Hey lovely bloggers <3,
I always wanted to write about this. It’s just a subject which is so close to my heart. It’s something which always make me think about it and reflect about it. You must love yourself before you can love someone else. This is just so damn true.
I had a two year relationship from 17 till 19 years old. We had a long distance relationship. I was living in The Netherlands and he was living in Switzerland. We saw each other like once in two or three months. He was my first love so the break up was really hard. After he broke up with me because of the distance, family problems and not the right timing, I felt so bad. He broke up with me just before Christmas face to face so every time it’s almost Christmas I begin to feel sad. Christmas time make me feel lonely and kinda depressed. It reminds me of that time. I still love Christmas so much but it still hurts sometimes.
This Christmas it will be almost 5 years since the break up. After the break up I went on an exchange to Spain for 5 months. During that time I was a completely mess. I started to drink so much alcohol, got drunk many times and then ended up crying and feeling sick. I kissed many boys without having feelings for them, just for fun. They all used me because I was in such a bad place. I was too sensitive and emotional. At night I had panick attacks. My heart was beating fast and felt just so bad. I wanted to give up on life. I know from myself that I would never do anything to myself such as self harm or commit suicide. I just can’t. However, I really felt so low for about three years I think. It’s just these last two years that I finally begin to feel like myself again.
Feeling like myself again? What does that even mean? It means that I don’t give my heart away to people who would only abuse it and cause me pain. It means that I don’t have to drink alcohol when I go out dancing with my friends. I can just say NO and feel good about it. Feeling like myself again means that I totally respect myself and love myself. I still have times where I make bad decisions like everybody else but I’m more aware of the choices I make. Now, I know that during that hard time I just didn’t love myself enough to make the right decisions for myself. I felt worthless and not good enough so I attracted the bad boys. I thought that I deserve that. This reminds me that if you feel good about yourself and love yourself, you will attract good people and make good choices because you feel that you deserve that.
I always thought that if someone loved me, I would feel whole. It’s just not true. I already had anxiety and low self confidence when I met my first love. I felt whole during that relationship because I thought like YEAHHH finally someone loves me so I’m worth it. It’s just a miss conception that somebody should love you so that you can love yourself. I always thought that somebody had to make me happy. I always thought that I need to heal my broken heart with not letting me feel the pain such as with drinking much alcohol and kissing bad boys. This would not let me feel the pain. It was just not the right thing to do. You will only heal when you sit down with your pain, feel it and cry about it. You have to let it out and talk about it with a good friend or a loved one. It’s the only way to heal your broken heart. Now, I’m just so happy that I didn’t give up. I’m just so happy that I moved on. Now, I know what’s right for me. I shouldn’t give my heart to people who will just cause me pain and let me suffer. I almost don’t drink any alcohol anymore. It made me cause even more anxiety and no good. I’m not a loser because I don’t drink alcohol. I do what feels right to me and my body.
If you are in a relationship now, I’m happy for you. Be with someone who understands you and makes you happy 💜 Do what feels right to you. Say no more often. If this person only makes you feel about yourself and doesn’t respect your NO, then it’s time to leave this relationship. Nobody should make you feel bad about yourself. Leave that toxic relationship. You deserve so much more 💖
For anybody being single, don’t rush yourself with finding your soulmate. You have your whole life ahead of you. I thought my whole life that I should have a soulmate to feel whole. It’s just not true. You are already whole. You don’t need just a person to love you to make you feel loved. You have to make yourself happy. Nobody can do that for you. Travel the world. Be with real friends. Do things that make you happy and then if you find someone who loves you, you already feel whole 💜💜💜 .
Everything will fall into place if you love yourself and put yourself first before anything else in life 😘 This is your life and you have the right to live it your way 👌💜 Life is beautiful after all 🌠
Much love 💕💕💕,