How being bullied in high school caused me anxiety

Hey lovely bloggers <3,

I wanna share my story about how I have been bullied during high school in The Netherlands. For anyone who suffers from bullying and anxiety, this story could maybe trigger them. So I already say this before I continue. I’ve always wanted to write it but found it hard to find the right words for everything I’ve experienced. It still cause me anxiety but writing about it is way of lettings all the hard stuff go. Writing is a form of healing and it definitely helps me a lot. I will give a brief summary in this blog post to analyse the most important things that happened to me, what it made me feel and why it all cause me having anxiety.

I’ve been bullied mostly during high school. Those years were the worst years of my life. I spent 5 years in high school, since 12 years until I turned 18. The first three years were the worst. I still remember that time were I bought an awesome bag in Spain with my father. I was so happy when I bought this bag with my daddy. This bag had a picture on it from a girl. I didn’t know that the hell was about to explode when I began high school. I’ve been bullied because of this bag because they began to call me barbie girl. It wasn’t a barbie. They said I was childish and I remember times that I was putting some books in my locker and began to sing me the song of “I’m a barbie girl” and laugh about me. I felt so horrible. How can somebody be so mean and bully you?!

Another story, I was friends with a girl and a group of bullies were bullying me and that girl. It was a horrible time. I’ve never done anything wrong to them. They just picked me out and that girl. They were calling us names. They called me big nose. If I think about it now, I laugh about it because I ain’t have a big nose and who the fuck are you to laugh about me?! They were calling me ugly. They were also pushing me in the corridors of my high school. The worst part of it was that they were not only bullying me in real life also online. Cyber bullying is as worse as real life bullying. During that time a Dutch website existed which doesn’t exists anymore. I was reading all those comments of how they were going to bully me and my friend and all those ugly names of us as calling us ugly. I also had a good friend where I’m still friends with, who helped me a lot during this time. I remember a time where the chat Messenger existed and a group of people were bullying me and threatening to kill me and my family.

tumblr_static_93oexl84itk44o488c8sw4kgc_640_v2.jpg

I think that part was the most anxious part ever. I didn’t felt safe at highschool anymore. I felt so anxious that one day they would fight with me. One day, they said they would give me a clap in my face and to my friend. I remember that day I was in class and my friend wasn’t there. It was the time she got a clap in her face… I felt horrible. They said to her that they didn’t had done it with me because I was too sweet. So strange….?! We talked with our teachers so many times, also after that fight but nothing helped. I know that some of the bullies got kicked out of school but many continued. I deleted all those bullies from that Dutch website and one day a whole group went to my locked and said why I’ve done that. I said that I don’t have contact with any of you and neither do I want. I felt so anxious and intimidated. This is also a reason why nowadays I’m afraid of groups. I feel that fear so intensly.

I also remember my gymnastics classes which were a hell. I remember so many times where I didn’t do things right in baseball or other sports and the bullies were laughing about me. I suck in those sports and can’t help that. I really forced myself to like gym but I didn’t like it at all. I also remember the times we had to dress ourselves in the changing room and everyone was watching you. I felt so insecure. I remember one day during gymnastics that a boy laughed about me and said that I didn’t had boobies and he said that I’m not a girl. It was such a stupid comment.

Another story which happened in the third year of high school, by that age I was 16 was about a boy. I liked a boy in my class. I thought he liked me too because he was always looking at me and really nice to me. Well, that was all part of the joke. I thought about writing him a love letter. During that time I was friends with another girl and went to his house to give him this letter. I was so anxious and closed the door. I should never have done it because the next day everyone in my highschool could read this personal letter explaining my feelings and thoughts about this boy. I still remember that I was about to go home and suddenly a popular girl who was always bullying me said to me if I’ve read my love letter which was hanging in school. She said to me were the letter was. I went into school, my heart racing and so anxious…. I saw my letter in the corridors and got it. I’ve found this letter a few years later in my room. I must have taken it to home. It is now destroyed. Farewell. I’ve learned to not do this again anymore, only if I know things are really serious when it comes to relationships. One girl who also bullied me a lot during my life said to me that I asked for being bullied. I’ve never fucking asked for it. I’m just being bullied for being myself and being too sweet and sensitive for this cold, hard and dark world.

c76a1dda570c4a3e0f5e77908d66c81d--bullying-quotes-anti-bullying.jpg

Being bullied stopped in the fourth and the last class. It wasn’t that hard anymore. My best friend also got bullied with me but we could both support each other and help each other. I’ve known her since I was with her in the same class in the third, fourth and last year. We are still best friends for like 9 years and I’m so damn grateful for that ❤ They would sometimes call us stupid nick names and we would say something back and then it stopped. We were also ignoring those bullies which also helps. It also stopped when I had a boyfriend from 17 till 19 years. We had a long distance relationship. He was from Switzerland and I was living in Spain by that time. That’s a story for another blog post. I posted pictures of us together on social media and they also saw me when he picked me up from high school. All those people who bullied me were saying to me that he was really handsome and wanted to know everything about him. I didn’t told them anything, only where he came from. It’s so stupid that that was also the point that they stopped bullying me. I felt proud and happy of having a boyfriend. The bad part was that when he broke up with me, I felt even worse than before. I didn’t love myself until my boyfriend loved me and felt so complete with him. I will explain all those details in another blog post.

So having told all those stories, being bullied caused me having anxiety. I’m still afraid of groups. Sometimes, I still feel that I can’t be myself in this world. I’m a highly sensitive person which means that I feel, love and suffer more. I still feel sometimes that I’m way too sensitive for this cold and dark world. I’m also always anxious about giving presentations and introducing myself. I feel that fear of judgment and that people will laugh and say rude comments about me. Sometimes, when I hear people laughing, I think it’s because of me when it ain’t no true. Those are all imaginations which aren’t true but caused with being bullied. Being bullied is a real trauma and I’m still recovering from it.

I’ve learned that the best way I can be in this world is to be myself and being proud of who I’m. I’ve learned to gain more confidence in myself and that self love is the most important relationship you can have in your life. I’ve learned that people who bully you, are insecure themselves and don’t know any other way than only causing harm to others. They are just jealous about you. My tips for people who are being bullied, would be to ignore those people and sometimes it’s good to speak up. I would also suggest you to talk about it with your teachers at highschool or wherever. Also, if you feel you need more professional help such as therapy to recovering from being bullied, that would be a good option too. It’s just so important to talk about your issues with a loved one, a professional one or a friend. This definitely helped me to overcome bullying. I had some therapy sessions 2 years ago and explained about what happened to me when I was bullied and this definitely helped me to came to the conclusion that it wasn’t my fault and that I’m perfect the way I’m. Those bullies are just jealous and feel insecure themselves.

9e05ec65d1861c6ff0bb76dfaa889cef.png

Sometimes I still cry and feel bad about what happened but I’m grateful that I’m still here and stronger and wiser than ever before. There were times I thought it would be better if I wasn’t alive anymore. I have never been suicidal but really anxious and feeling so low because all of what happened to me. I can remember times I wrote this in my diary and even wrote that the whole class was against me. I can say that I’m proud that I survived all of this and that eventually it made me stronger even though it was a hell of time. I wouldn’t want to experience it again. Never more.

We should all stand together and raise awareness about bullying. Bullying cause anxiety, depression, low self esteem and even suicide. This needs to stop and I hope to raise much awareness with this post. I’m here for you all. We are all in this together and we can stop it.

slide_8.jpg

Remember, you are beautiful, you are loved, you are enough and you are never alone. If you ever need to talk about something which bothers you, if it’s being bullied or something else, you know where to find me. I will always be there for you ❤ Thank you all for not judging me and for letting me write this story. I can stay my authentic self when I blog and that’s what I love the most. See you in my next blog post!

 

 

Love you all so much ❤

Much love <3,

xoxo Christina

10 mental health resolutions for this new year

Hey lovely bloggers <3,

Today I wanna share my 10 mental health resolutions for the new year. I think it’s really important to focus on our mental health because body and mind works together. If you have a mental illness like I have been diagnosed with anxiety, it’s really important to have some resolutions to feel better. Our brain is an organ too and many times people forget this. Our brain can misfunction too like any other organ in our body. We have to beat the stigma of mental health illnesses. They are real and nobody should feel ashamed of this. 1 out of 5 people have a mental health illness which is a lot. We shouldn’t feel alone in this. We are all in this together ❤

Screenshot-2018-1-15 Self love is the key in life 💕 ( christinax1993) • Instagram-foto's en -video's1. Read more awesome books

I love reading but I have to admit that I don’t do it a lot. I have bought some new awesome books online. I’m gonna share them with you all when I have finished them. I also wanna do more book reviews on my blog. Reading is so good. It definitely helps me a lot with my anxiety. I have a lot of self help books and it’s makes me realize that I don’t have to feel alone with suffering from anxiety. There are so many people who suffer from this along their lives. I also love to read about tips and apply them in my real life. Reading is really an important form of healing. Reading makes you wiser and makes you dive into a fantasy world which takes away the pain and suffering from the real world. I love to read and always forget the world around me, such an amazing feeling.

beb7d6f9b3a6eecc2c784e0936b42a15--chalkboard-printable-chalkboard-quotes

2. Keep writing poems and on my blog

I love writing so much. It’s such a great way of healing too. I always feel such a great satisfaction when I write all my thoughts and feelings down. It feels like I’m letting something of myself go which makes me feel lighter and happier. In this new year, I want to keep writing poems and share them with you. I also wish to continue writing on my blog. I love writing on my blog and it definitely is helping me so much with my anxiety. I came in contact with awesome people who experience the same and feel less alone. Thank you all so much for your lovely support. I’m so blessed to have you all in my life. I will forever cherish the great friendships I have made here ❤

6993bfd18e1b117cd4f81ae62b36859f

3. Go to yoga lessons

I love doing yoga at home with Youtube videos but I also really want to go to real yoga lessons in Valladolid, Spain, where I’m living right now. I love Yoga Girl. She is a swedish yoga teacher who is living together with her hushband Dennis and her little girl Lea Luna in Aruba. I will share a blog post about her soon because she is such a big inspiration in my life. She also has her own yoga studio in Aruba called Island Yoga. I would love to go to meet her and go on a yoga retreat in Aruba! That would be so awesome. She does yoga on her retreat week but also sharing and journalling. That’s just so good for healing and for my mental health.

Her real name is Rachel Brathen. She also has her own postcast on Itunes or Spotify every friday where she talks about anything in life, could be about anxiety, self love, marriage, work life, following your dreams, being bullied, death…… just everything in life, the good and the bad. I love how authentic she is. Yoga is really such an amazing way to have less anxiety in life and has so many benefits for your mental health. I did some classes in The Netherlands and afterwards I felt more relaxed and happier. Yoga is the best way to discover your inner self, be in the moment and let everything go. I really wanna search for a good studio here in Valladolid and have some awesome yoga lessons.

26172549_1559076720834563_4515973090460677292_o.jpg

                                   Lea Luna, Yoga Girl (Rachel Brathen) and Dennis

4. Care less about what people think of me

I still find this such a difficult one because I think it has to deal with being bullied during childhood and high school. I still care about what people think of me. If somebody laugh, I instantly think that they laugh about me when it isn’t even the case. I think to not care at all is not a realistic resolution because at the end I will still care a bit. I have to focus on my life and care less about what other people may think about me. If I care less, I become happier and less anxious. It would be such a great benefit for my mental health. I just have to let opinions of other people go and do the things which make me happy. I’m doing better than before but I still have to work a lot on this point in this new year.

5. Keep travelling

I just love travelling soooo much. Sometimes travelling can cause anxiety but when you plan your travels a long way before, it’s not a big deal. I have to admit that flying always cause me anxiety and that I have to take some meds before I go on an airplane. I love the view from the window, but I just hate turbulence. It makes me so anxious. However, I love travelling and it definitely is good for my mental health. In this new year, I will keep continue to travel around Europe and in Spain. I also would love to travel around the world but first I have to have more money. I also would love to do an interrail which means going by train and discovering many new countries in Europe with my friends. Maybe, I’m going to do that in the summer.  When I travel to a new place and discover new things, I let go all of the bad things in life. It helps me to distant myself from problems. I also love to be in contact with new cultures and making friends all over the world. I just love to learn about all the diferences and also know that at the end we are all the same: human and one with the world ❤ I learn so much about life from travelling so I will continue travelling as much, as far and as long as I can ❤

6. Stop comparing myself and my life with other people

This is such a bad habit that I have. When we scroll down on social media, we see all beautiful pictures of people who seem to have their life together. Everything looks perfect but trust me it ain’t the truth. Life has ups and downs. I like to show the truth about my life on my social media, especially on Instagram and on this blog. It is important to show the good and the bad in life. I often compare myself with others. I always feel the pressure of society like I already should have get married, and have babies and have a job and have my life together and blablabla. It makes me feel so overwhelmed. This new year I wanna learn that it’s okay to not have life together and to make little steps forward. I just graduated and I feel the pressure of having that dream job when I don’t even know what that means. I think this year I have to focus on myself and do things I love. I can have part time jobs and be happy. All things take time. I think if we spend less time in comparing our lives to other lives, we will end up happier and relaxer. Just focus on yourself and try to do things you enjoy. Everything in your life will come exactly at the right time, no rush.

7. Spend more time enjoying nature and less time on social media

I have to admit that I spend way too much time on social media. Of course, I run this blog and wanna spend time doing this. However, I should try to detox from social media once in a while. It’s really good to spend more time in nature. I love to walk around the park near to my house and breathing the fresh air. Sometimes I get really overwhelmed from all the social media. Sometimes it makes me anxious because I feel like I don’t have my life together and others have. It ain’t not true because most people only share their perfect pictures of their lives. Like I said in the point before, we compare our lives way too much on social media. If we spend less time on social media, we will feel more in contact with the world and more at peace with ourselves. Spending time with friends in real life is really important to not feel lonely and be social. I love to go for a walk with my friends, eat some delicious food “tapas” in Spain and have fun together.

8. Focus more on my creative passions like writing, singing and photography

Some of my passions are writing like I said before. I love to write in my journal, write poems and write on my blog. Writing is such a beautiful way of healing. I also love to sing so much. I used to sing in choir for 11 years. I really miss singing in a choir. Maybe, I’m gonna search for a new choir here in Spain or have some classes again. I enjoy singing so much. It makes me feel so relaxed and happy. Singing is a great way of letting all your feelings and thoughts go. I will show some videos of me singing in another blog post.

Furthermore, I also love photography. One of my brothers, Edward with his wife Elke have their own company of wedding photography. I learned a lot from them and I also learned a lot of photography taking a course during my studies. I have a lot of different cameras such as a Nikon, normal camera, polaroid Instax Mini 8 and a lomography camera Diana F+. I wanna continue to take all kinds of pictures again and share them with you. I hope you will all like them. Photography is a creative hobby and such a nice way to be active. I love to be creative and it’s really good for my anxiety. All these passions help me healing and make me happy. I once read that people who have anxiety or depression, tend to be more creative than other people. I think this is really true because I met many people with a mental illness and they all are so incredible talented and creative. Being creative is really a blessing in life. Earth without art is just “eh”.

earth-art-slider.jpg

9. Go to the beach and surf more

When I lived in the Netherlands I was just 15 minutes away by car from the beach. The bad thing is that it rains a lot in The Netherlands and you can’t spend that many days on the beach as in Spain. Right now, I’m living in Valladolid which is one hour from Madrid. The nearest beach is Santander which is a city in the north coast of Spain. It’s three hours away by train. I went to Santander twice last year and enjoyed some really great beach days. I love to swim in the ocean, feel the ocean breeze and hear the waves crashing down the shore. I like the salt ocean so much. It’s so good for your mental health. The ocean makes me feel so relax, peaceful and happy. This year, I wanna spend even more days on the beach. Last year, I went twice to the beach of Santander called “El Sardinero” and once to the beach of Granada, which is in the south of Spain, in Andalucia. I went to “La Rabita”. The beach is just my favourite place on this earth.

Salt_Water_t670.jpg

I also like to surf. Í have my own Rip Curl blue wetsuit. I hope I still can wear it because it has been two years since the last time I surfed. I really missed it. I’m a beginner and still have to learn how to catch waves. I can stand on a surf board and can enjoy it, which is the most important thing about surfing. I also made my thesis about the surfing lifestyle. Surfing is just a way of living and it so good for my anxiety. Surfing the waves makes me forget my anxiety, enjoy life and live in the moment ❤ It’s a total zen moment. I have surfed many times in The Netherlands and in Spain. I went twice to a surf camp in Spain near to Santander in Suances called Bio Surf Camp and Art Surf Camp in Galicia, Razo. In Razo, I surfed in the Atlantic Ocean and omg the waves were so high that I got scared and didn’t want to push myself too far and deep in the water. It’s all about practice and learning to let this fear go aswhile as in life. I wish to surf again this year and go on a surf camp because that’s the best way to learn surfing. Besides, I have made some incredible friends in these camps and had so many amazing adventures which I will never ever forget.

12366033_10203922913672965_8289615062733762404_o.jpg

                      Me at the Art Surf Camp in Galicia, Razo in the Summer of  2015

10. Having a better sleep routine

Since, I’m graduated and don’t study anymore my sleep routine is really messed up. I go really late to bed and wake up too late. I know it’s my fault and I have to change it. In the meantime that I’m searching for a (part-time) job, I have to focus on myself and trying to have a better sleep routine. I shouldn’t go too late to bed and wake up at a reasonable time. Having a sleep routine is just so important to feel good and not stressed out. It’s really important for our mental health. Everything begins with those habits. Sleeping is really important. We have to sleep 8 hours at least every night. If I don’t sleep 8 hours at night I’m already feeling so tired and feel even more anxious in life. Sleeping is as important as eating the right food and caring for ourselves. I know I can have a better sleep routine. I just have to get started and then it will work out.

I hope you all liked my 10 mental health resolutions for this new year, 2018. Have an amazing year you all! ❤ I wish you all a new year full of love, happiness and health. Let’s focus this year on ourselves. Love yourself and each other because that’s what this world needs: more love, no hate ❤

26165544_10208664785016785_47885011441304563_n.jpg
Love you all so much ❤

Much love,
xoxo Christina

 

Happy New Year to you all! 😍🌠🎉💃🎶✌💕

Hey lovely bloggers ❤,

I still needed to post some New Year posts. I was so busy with all the celebrations in December. It is never too late to wish each other a happy new year, right?! I will share in this blog post what I did on New Year’s Eve.

I wish you all a happy new year full of love, health, luck and happiness! 🌠💕❤ I really do hope that all your dreams come true because you all deserve that so much. I’m so grateful for my 131 followers. My blog keeps growing and I’m forever blessed for that. I never knew that anyone would actually read my blog posts. I wish that 2018 will be your year. Make it a 2018 to remember! ❤ Make your dreams come true! 💕 You are all beautiful human beings and I’m forever blessed to have you in my life. Let’s always be together and see what the future will brings us.

It was the first New Year’s Eve for me that I didn’t go out in Spain. It was the first night in 7 years that I didn’t went partying with my friends. Some of my friends went to a party and some not. It’s all okay. Don’t feel the social pressure to go out if you don’t want. Don’t drink too much alcohol just to be cool. Do what feels good for you ❤

I had a delicious dinner at home with my family and I drink some champagne 🍸 In Spain it’s a tradition to eat 12 grapes at midnight. It brings luck. I also enjoyed watching a Spanish programme on Antena 3 which was about singing songs together with my family. It was a cozy night in and I really enjoyed it 💕 I was happy to spend it at home. I enjoyed new year’s eve partying these last years but I also find it so crowdy and so expensive when you don’t drink so much. I enjoy dancing a lot but for me it’s better to go out another weekend 💕 What did you do this New Year’s Eve?

Here are some pictures from my night:


            I bought this dress last year for New Year’s Eve and this year I wore it again 

                       With Jairo, brother of Veronica (Girlfriend of my brother) 

I hope you all enjoyed this blog post. I will write some of my New Year’s resolutions in the next post. I will also share a blog post about the Three Kings which I celebrated last weekend. It’s an important day of celebration in Spain. Enjoy this beautiful new year!! 💕

Love you all so much ❤❤❤

Much love,

xoxo Christina