Hey beautiful people ❤,
I wrote this last night. I wanted to write a travel blog post about Madrid but will share that another time. I feel really bad right now and I just had to share it somewhere so I thought my blog would be the best way to share what I’m experiencing right now in my life. Since June 2017 I’m living with my mother in Valladolid, in Spain. My parents aren’t divorced. My father is living in The Netherlands. My mother is in Spain because she is busy doing a dental implant. I graduated college in August but got my official degree in December 2017, just 3 months ago. I’m searching for a job well in fact I’m searching but not applying and I’m not telling anyone that. As you know from my blog, I suffer from anxiety for like my whole life.
Since February 2017 I take 20 mg of antidepressants Lantanon and I also got subscriped a benzo when I feel really high anxiety. I almost don’t experience that anymore but I still suffer from anxiety. Maybe, I will forever suffer from anxiety but just have to learn how to cope with it. Back to the point why I write this blog post. My father came to visit us in November and it was all well. In December 2017, my mother and I went to The Netherlands to celebrate Christmas with the whole family which was awesome. Now, my father is here again for like two weeks. He leaves the 31 of March. Right now, I’m my room of the appartment and just can’t stop crying. I get along much better with my mum than with my dad. I just feel like I can tell my mum everything without any form of judgment or being anxious. She always understands me and supports me. I can always tell her secrets which she doesn’t tell my dad because otherwise he would get angry.
My father had an acute pancreatitis when I was 11 years old. He has been going to hospitals for 5 years. He got many operations and was really sick. Right now, he has diabetis. I know I love him and was afraid of loosing him. I have a good relationship with both of my parents but there’s still something with my dad that just never clicks. Right now, I feel the need to run away from home. Everything was okay until today he was talking about the fact that I have to go to the dentist. I already have for like two years caries in one of my wisdom teeth and also one of my wisdom teeth is not growing well… that kind of problems. I have a huge fear of dentists. I think he just don’t understand that.
Once I had to go to a special dentist clinic in The Netherlands to do a root canal treatment. When I was 11 years old I fall down on one of my teeth. If I didn’t do the root canal treatment a few years ago, my tooth would get infected. I’m a highly sensitive person which means that I’m extremely sensitive for everything. I felt anxious for months before this treatment. The day before I almost didn’t sleep and felt so nauseous. The first day I went to get to know this special dentist he said that I’m childish and am like 15 years old. Since that point, my fear of the dentist became extremly high. When I went to do this treatment it didn’t hurt and he didn’t say anything wrong to me again. That comment before made me feel so bad and anxious like I almost couldn’t breath. I said to my parents that I was going to the beach alone. I couldn’t stop crying. After that day, I still went to the root canal treatment which was in a few months. I remember that on the day itself I took valium and felt so dizzy and my father just didn’t understand it.
It’s just like now. He just said you must go to the dentist. I know I have to go so that I will not have problems and no infection but I fucking suffer from anxiety. Pushing me to do something which scares me as hell isn’t helping me at all. He is just blaming me for not taking care of myself and for not listening to him. Afterwards, he said I don’t mind what my children are doing with their lives. If you have problems with your tooth, you will have to pay it by yourself. I’ve a bit of savings but not much because I don’t work…. Maybe he was just being grumpy and I make everything in my mind 10000 worse than it’s but that’s me…. I’m also afraid he is going to push me with the fact that I don’t have a job. Once in December 2017, he said like yeah you have to do something for it, it doesn’t come on it’s own. It just always feel like I’m worthless and lazy and can’t get my life together. It’s not that I don’t want go to the dentist or get a job. I suffer from anxiety and am a highly sensitive person. For me those daily activities which for some people are easy, are for me very hard and difficult. Right now, I feel again that feeling like my life is worthless. I didn’t shared those feelings these last months with you all. I’m so sorry but I don’t want to make this blog an unhappy place.
I have never been suicidal but thoughts of my life is worthless and what’s the point of it all and why I’m not good enough are sometimes in my head. Right now, they are. My father also said that he doesn’t care what his children will do with their lives. We were talking about if I would marry an older men. I said that I wouldn’t do that. He said he wouldn’t like it and then I said something like it’s my life and I’m like 25 years old on the first of June and then he said angry like he doesn’t care if I don’t go to the dentist and it’s my life blablabla. My father always have had a hard character and could get angry really fast. He changed a lot but I’m still afraid. I dislike that so much and can’t stand it because I always feel below him. One of my brothers ran away from house because he only was fighting with my dad and they never were on one line. My brother was wearing long hair and didn’t want to finish high school and my father couldn’t stand it and then there would be a fight. I know running away is not an option and they were both wrong. My father didn’t talk or saw my brother for like 3 years. Now, everything is allright again. I’m really happy about that. My other brother had problems with my father because of not doing enough at home/having his own routine and then my father would make a calendar and cross every day until the day he had to leave our house.
This all makes me so scared. I feel my heart beating really fast. I don’t want to experience that. I told this all to a kinda social worker where I went for some therapy sessions a few years ago in The Netherlands. She said that I wouldn’t have to be afraid because he won’t do that to a girl like he is more protective. She also said to me that I’m not my parents and that this is my life. She also explained to me that most of all when a person is angry this person is not feeling good about themselves and then acts angry to you. I guess I agree with that because when my father has high diabetis he can also act kinda strange and grumpy. I hope I can have one day a home, get a nice job, pay my own bills and hopefully have a soulmate which who I can share my life with and have a family with. All I want is to be happy. I love both of my parents so much but I just don’t like that my father doesn’t understand me, blame me for everything which cause me anxiety. Right now, I can’t wait till I can peacefully live with my mother again. When I had a boyfriend I didn’t tell them one day that I slept in a hotel. When they knew it, my father was angry for one month and didn’t talk to me and said that I’m a whore. He also don’t like when I wear a red lipstick. He also judges people who wear tattoos. I really dislike that.
You can be who you want to be and follow the dreams you want to achieve. Never let anyone judge you, also not your parents. You are perfect just the way you are. I’m feeling a bit better now I’ve written this piece of text. Crying and writing are such important healing tools. Let it all go…. It’s just I really love my parents and all what they do for me but I can’t stand this behaviour and it has a big effect on my anxiety. It makes it so much worse. I hope I didn’t ramble too much but I just felt the need to write this because I’m feeling bad, anxious and sad right now. Have you ever experienced this or something similar? Feel free to comment. If you know some tips feel free to comment aswell. Nothing works in this situation. I always just hide myself, cry and ignore and say yes even though I don’t agree on points…..
Thank you all for making my life better and this world a better place to live in.
I love you all, my community ❤