Hey lovely bloggers 💕,
I wanted to write a blog post with a Summer theme or other happy blog post that I was thinking about but today I just can’t. If I did that I wouldn’t be real on this blog. I always want to be real, honest and authentic. I also don’t like to spread negative vibes here but it always feel good to just write about your feelings and thoughts that you bother with. Journalling is so good for your mental health. I love to write because after I write in my journal or on my blog I feel much better. Writing is a beautiful form of healing. This is my safe space to always be able to share what I’m feeling or thinking at the moment. I wrote this last night and shared it on my Instagram of @seaofwordsblog.
I just don’t feel okay right now. I love this poem from @rmdrk 💕 Robert M Drake is one of my favourite poetry writers. I have been crying all night. I think too much about everything, feel stressed which makes my mind go crazy and result in crying. I also find it hard to sleep lately because it’s so hot. What makes me crying is because my parents just don’t understand me. I’m now with my mother here in Spain and my father is in The Netherlands. My father asked in an email to my mother when would be a good time to return to the Netherlands and now he just booked a flight at the end of September. I got angry and cried at my mother because I just don’t wanna go back. I know one day I have to go to get all my stuff because maybe my parents are going to move to Spain. We have one house in The Netherlands and an appartment in Spain. I don’t like that my parents push me to do things I don’t want. I’m 25 years old, not a baby anymore…. You just can’t force me.
I just don’t wanna go back to The Netherlands. I want to look for a job here in Spain. I always prefered Spain over the Netherlands. I love the culture, the delicious food tapas and the lovely people. Spain is just so beautiful 😍My anxiety is getting in my way to look for a job but maybe I just have to jump outside of my comfortzone. I would love to find a job here in Valladolid but for many public jobs you have to take an exam and study for it. I would love to just apply for a job without doing that exam. Maybe, I have to go to Madrid or Barcelona but I don’t know many people there and I’m a bit afraid to be alone in a city. I like to be with my family too. I know they will be there for me too so it’s a bit a contrast. These are all thoughts that keep me up at night. I already wrote about this a few months ago Bad feelings & thoughts 😢. I really don’t like that my parents push me. I said to my mother that I’m not going back and will look for a job. Of course, I like to see my family and friends in The Netherlands and there will also be a party for my brother Rafael and Veronica’s wedding. I just don’t know what to do right now. I don’t want any fights but I also think that this is my life. The only one who is going to live it, it’s me. I just don’t like to be pressured. It makes me anxious and sad. Sometimes life can be though but we always have to remember to turn the light on. I think I’m also feeling bad because of my period and having cramps. Thank god I take Aleve Feminax naproxen for the cramps. This helps me soooo much. Magic pills 😂💊 .
I also have a lot of back pain lately. I think that’s because everytime I feel tense all the bad energy goes there. I really wanna take some yoga lessons this Summer. That will help me so much. I can’t wait to go swimming outside in the pools here in Spain. I enjoy that so much. I would love to be in the water all the time because that’s the only thing which calms me 100%. I’m a mermaid 🏊🌊🏄🌞 I can’t wait to go surfing and to go to the ocean too. The ocean is my home. Hopefully, I will live one day near to the beach. I can only dream of waking up and seeing and hearing the waves 😍
This is just a reminder for all of you that’s okay to not be okay. Sometimes you have to let all your emotions out. It isn’t good to bottle everything up. I do that so many times and then when I begin to cry about one thing, I end up crying about everything. Your feelings are valid. There are still so many amazing things to experience in life. We all have to take it day by day especially those who suffer from a mental illness like me with anxiety. Looking too much in the future will only increase my fear. Taking it day by day is much better. Remember, we’re all in this together ❤💪 You are not alone. You are loved. You are worth it. This life is sometimes really hard, though and a complete mess but also beautiful. Take care of yourselves. I hope I can sleep right now. Crying makes me always so tired.
Today, I feel a bit better. I slept really well and enough. I just have to do what feels good to me. If I find a job before September then I can stay in Spain. Maybe, my parents wouldn’t say nothing then. I could pay the flight if I’m not going back. Do you also relate to my words? Do you also feel pressured sometimes by your family or other people? I appreciate any advice because it will sure will help me a lot.
I love you all so much 💕,