Hey warrior, keep going 💪❤️

Hey lovelies 💕,

I wanted to write this blog post before I share some other posts I’ve in my mind such as a travel diary and a photo diary from my last trip to Somo, Santander with my mother and a shopping haul. This letter is for all of you and for myself ❤️ We all need to hear those words. I just felt inspired to write this. I hope this letter is going to make you smile.

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Hey you beautiful and awesome human being ❤️,

I know you want to give up. I know you have had enough of feeling bad all the time. I know having a mental illness is really hard and the stigma makes it harder to ask for help and get the right help. I know it’s all too much for you. I know you don’t want to suffer anymore. Always remember that even if you feel like giving up you aren’t alone in your suffering. There are so many more people who feel the same way, just like you. They may not feel the same feeling at the same time in their lives but will feel it too one day. It’s normal to feel your feelings. Your feelings are valid. Not because someone may have it worse doesn’t mean your struggles don’t count. They all count. Feel your feelings and let them go. The only way to let them go is to feel them and not bottling them up. Write about it, be angry, cry, ask for help or talk about it.

Remember, you are a fighter. You are a warrior 💪 You can’t just give up. You have come from such a long journey. Maybe you have been bullied, had trauma in your life or had your heart broken. Maybe you have lost someone in your life. You have made it until today with all the bad experiences. You also may have experienced great things like a pass on your exam, graduated or had fun with your friends. Life is all the good and bad. Even if you feel alone know that there are people who care about you. Sometimes those people are people you know and sometimes those are strangers. A few nights ago I asked for help at @7cupssupport and it felt great that strangers were listening to my struggles. Last night I listened to people who were struggling. When the chat ended they were feeling a bit better and thanked me. The world needs more people that help each other and love each other. The world needs more positivity.

Helping other people in need when you are struggling yourself is a big strength. I’m happy to see that that’s one of my good qualities. We all have good qualities. Sometimes we just are focusing more on the negative ones. It’s easier to be our own enemies than to be our inner best friend. We criticize ourselves way too often and fast. We tell ourselves we aren’t good enough. We tell ourselves we aren’t beautiful. This isn’t true. We don’t have to look a certain way to be considered beautiful. Society is wrong. All body sizes are beautiful.

I’m learning to say to myself that I’m worth it and that I’m beautiful. You are beautiful too. You are enough. I’m sure we are all capable of doing amazing things in life. It’s okay if it takes time. All good things come with pacience. I believe in the good things coming. I believe in the law of attraction. We always attract what we think of or what we feel. Energy never lies. I find it still difficult to think positively because it’s hard but every day I’m learning. Every day we grow as a person and learn new things. We are art. We aren’t meant to stay the same way. Life would be a routine and boring if we would never experience new things and grow. Going out of your comfortzone is such a great way to use your qualities and know that you are capable of things you even didn’t know you could do. I find it still hard but I’m trying to go out of my comfortzone more and more. Life begins at the end of your comfortzone. That’s were the magic begins. Great things start to happen there.

Don’t give up. If you ever need to talk, I will be here for you all 🙏❤️ Together we are stronger. This too shall pass. Your story isn’t over. Tomorrow needs you. Tomorrow needs you because the world wouldn’t be the same without you. Tomorrow needs you because you are such a strong human being. Tomorrow needs you because there are people out there who never met you and will love you. Tomorrow needs you because you help people and inspire others with sharing your story. Tomorrow needs you because you can achieve your biggest dreams. Always dream big. We can do this all together 💜🙏

The world wouldn’t be the same without you. I know you will hear this often but it’s true. You are made out of galaxies and stars 💫🌠⭐ You are unique. This world is a miracle too. It’s magic. We are all magic. Even though there’s a lot of darkness in the world there’s also light. You light up this beautiful world with your beautiful smile, your laugh, your honesty, your values and sensitivity. You are amazing. No other person could be you. That’s why I always say stay yourself. There’s nothing better than just be yourself. If you try to please others and be like others you won’t end up happy. Not everyone is going to be your friend and that’s okay. Be with people who care about you and love you unconditionally. Leave toxic people and relationships. Unfollow these people on social media. Get inspired by people who lift you up and motivates you. You don’t deserve people who bring you down. Your time in life is precious so use it wisely and spend it with people who spread good vibes and are good energy for you.

The world is a better place with you. I’m so thankful for all the people I’ve met online. There’s something special about these people. Maybe, we aren’t so broken as we think. Our struggles become our strengths. We heal ourselves with helping each other, by being vulnerable and honest. I get tears in my eyes and cry of thinking how much I love you all ❤️😭

This beautiful connection we all have together will never go away. I’m so blessed to have friends like you all. I never knew I could find such amazing people who respect me and never judge me. Thank you for holding space for me to be real, honest and vulnerable. Thank you for understanding me when I don’t understand myself and when I feel alone. I really wish to meet you all soon one day 🌍 Be strong and safe my lovely fighters.

I hope you all liked this post 😄. I wanted to write something new. Did you love my letter? Did it make you feel better and inspired you? Let me know in the comments. Speak to you all soon 😘😘😘

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

10 tips on how to face your fears & overcoming my dentist fear

Hey lovelies 💕,

I’m back from my trip to Somo, Santander last Tuesday. I just went three days. I will soon share a blog post about this trip and a photo diary. Today I want to share something I really need to write about which is about how to face your fears. It’s just going to be some personal tips. Maybe they will not all be helpful for everyone. Feel free to add a tip in the comment section. I’m also sharing how I’m going to overcome my dentist fear. Facing a fear is a topic which I struggle a lot with because of suffering from anxiety. I know everyone gets nervous or can be scared of something. People suffering from a mental illness can experience it so bad that they feel physical and emotional symptoms. I always feel extremely anxious when I do something I’m afraid of.

When I get high anxiety, I can feel very emotional, cry a lot, feel like I’m dying, feeling nauseous, dizzy, hiperventilation and feel a racing heart beat and so many more symptoms. It’s really the worst. I know we all get scared but when you suffering from an anxiety disorder a fear can become a real obstacle in life. Maybe, you all know about the fight, freeze or flight response. When you are in a situation you fear you can either fight and go for it and overcome it. You can also do nothing and just freeze. You can also flight which is the one I always do. I’m way too good at escaping everything I fear in life. I will cover myself in blankets in bed and will think what a peaceful and lovely world. The world is full of danger but in my world and my bed I’m safe and sound. I know it isn’t a great way.

It’s so important to overcome our fears. When we overcome our fears we grow as a person. I have let fears consume my life and because I run away from them they only became bigger which is worse for my anxiety. It becomes a much more struggle when we run away from everything we fear then when we face it. I know it’s easier said than done. I still have to practice and learn a lot. Now, I’m going to share 10 tips on how I think you can overcome a fear.

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1. Journal about your fear

It doesn’t matter which fear you have. Are you scared of snakes, flying, public speaking, hospitals or anything else? I find it great to write about my fear like I do on my blog or in my journal. Whenever you write about your fear it feels like you can let it a bit go. Write down why you are afraid and some experiences in the past with this fear. Analysing a fear is important as you can come to a conclusion why you have this fear. For example, I fear public speaking not because I don’t like to talk to people. I fear public speaking because I don’t like to be in the middle of attention and I don’t like it because I’m afraid to make a fool out of myself. I’m afraid to fail and embarrass myself in front of all people.

2. Take little steps to overcome your fear

If you fear something it’s important to face a fear with baby steps. If you are afraid of travelling on your own then I think it’s not a good idea to go and travel the whole world on your own at once. You can for example take little trips in your country and then for example in your continent and then when you are ready you will be able to overcome your fear and can travel the world. Taking little steps will give you the courage to overcome your fear. It helps me a lot to not feel overwhelmed about a big fear.

3. Feel your feelings and accept them

If you feel anxious or scared feel it and admit that you are anxious. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. You have the right to feel this way. If you are hiding and bottlling up your emotions, one day you will break down because it will be too much for you. Accept that you are afraid to do something. Even when you feel like a fear can consume you, you have to know that you have the power and control over it. You can control your fears.

4. Believe in yourself

It’s important when you are going to overcome a fear to believe in yourself. If you are constantly saying negative things about yourself you will only feel worse. Say to yourself I can do this. I can overcome this fear even though I’m anxious. I’m a warrior 💪🍀 How many times did I think I couldn’t do something and at the end I could do it because I felt strong enough to face my fears. We all have that strength in us.

5. Think of all the positive things you’ve achieved in your life

To think back of all your victories in life is a great way to feel positive about facing your fear. You have done something scary before and you could do it. The feeling of achieving something you felt scared of is just so great. It’s a great emotion and can make you feel stronger to constantly facing a fear in life whether it’s a big or a little fear.

6. Get help and support from your friends and family

I love to know that I’ve a lovely family and some good friends who will always be there for me. It can really help to have a great tribe of people who encourage you when you have to face a fear. Their support and encouragment can make a huge difference. I remember how scared I was to do my speech at the United Nations in NYC a few years ago. My family and good friends encouraged me and said that I could do it. I started to feel positive. Whenever I don’t believe in myself they will always believe in me. We are our worst enemies right. We have to be our inner best friends and tell us that we can do it.

7. Take action

I know so many times that I think of something I fear and I just don’t take action and only think about the fear. This will not solve anything at all. I remember so many times that I was for example afraid of doing an exam because I was afraid to fail. I ended up not doing the exam. Then, I learned for the exam and I made the exam and I passed. Taking action on facing a fear is so important. You can’t let the fear rule your life. Action builds courage and strength.

8. Know the difference between a rational and irrational fear

A great way to face a fear is analysing a fear and asking yourself questions. A rational fear is a real fear which can be a death or an illness. An irrational fear is a fear of something harmless or potentially dangerous, but whose probability of occuring is low or not possible. For example, if I know one of my family members has cancer and the doctor says he has a posibility to die then it’s a rational fear.

I have always had more irrational fears in my life. For example, whenever I’m flying I think the airplane will crash and get myself very anxious. Of course, it can happen but the facts show that flying is way more safer than riding a car and that the possibility to die in a plain crash is really low. Airplane have the newest technology and there are 1000000 airplanes flying every second. It’s good to distinct your fears. Ask yourself if it’s worth to be fearful and if there’s a high chance that the thing you fear will come true or if your mind is playing tricks with you. Most of the things I was anxious about never happened.

9. If you can’t overcome a fear alone ask for a friend or family member to come with you

I always go to the doctors or dentist with my mother or father. I prefer to go with someone I trust and who can help me to overcome that fear. If I go alone I would feel even more anxious. You don’t have to do it your alone. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s also much easier to face your fear with someone then on your own.

10. Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts

I know this one is easier said than done. I just believe so much in the law of attraction. Energy never lies and we attract the things we feel and think. I have had moments in my life that I thought every bad thing was happening to me. When I began to think more positive thoughts I could feel the good energy flowing into my life. I remember a time that I lost something and find it back. I remember when I helped a man find a hostel here in Valladolid and then he invited me for a free diner in a tapas restaurant. Negative thoughts will only make you more fearful. Positive thoughts will make you believe you can overcome your fear and you will 💪💕 We are all in this together.


As I’m done sharing my 10 tips of overcomig a fear I would like to share a little bit more about my dentist fear and how I’m going to overcome it. Last Wednesday was a very emotional and nerve-wracking day. I had an appointment with the dentist here in Valladolid. I have problems with my wisdom teeth as you already know. I knew I had to go to the dentist to ask a second opinion here in Spain. After two years of postponing it I went to check it. I went with my mother. They made a picture of my teeth. One woman at the reception asked me to sign a paper and she asked if I take medication. I was silence and then told her I take antidepressants and that I have anxiety. I still find it hard to open up about my mental health illness even to doctors. I don’t want that they think I’m crazy. Then I had to wait for a while and finally it was time to enter the scary room of the dentist haha 😂😨

The first thing I did when I sat down on the dentist chair was crying. I cried so much. I felt ashamed to be so anxious and that I had to cry. He said: “it’s okay you can cry.” I was thinking like what?! I can be sensitive and cry hell yes 👊. He said: “I also cry.” I find that really amazing that he said that because there are so many men who say they never cry and appear strong. We all cry. We are all human. He checked my teeth and said I had caries in the four wisdom teeth. They all need to be pulled out. This scared me a lot. He told me I don’t have to worry because I will not feel any pain. He will give me medication and antibiotics. He even said if I wanted to do it today or tomorrow lol I was like no way. The assistant came and said yes you can do it tomorrow. The he said don’t pressure her, you can decide it. I have never felt so understood and comfortable at the dentist. Besides, he is so handsome omggg 😍

I made an appointment to get one pulled out one monday. I hope I’m not going to cancel the appointment because of way too much fear. I’m still scared as hell. I tell myself it’s going to be okay. He said it will only take 15 minutes. I told him too about having anxiety in life and searching for a job. He said that I’ve to accept that your dream job doesn’t come at once. Everything takes time. I have to face my fears which is just so true. I have to stop running away from everything I fear. I can do this 🙏 I will take an anti anxiety medication on Monday and the night before. The other 3 wisdom teeth will be pulled out when I’m back in Spain. Just one at a time. That’s the best for me. I’m a warrior 💪💪

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Thank you all for reading. I hope you learned a lot about these 10 tips in facing a fear. I hope you can you use them too in your daily lives. We are all fighters 💪 We can go through it all together. Can you relate to these tips? How would you face a fear? Do you also have dentist anxiety and how are you overcoming this fear? Did you ever get a tooth pulled out? Let me know in the comments your thoughts and experience.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

Sometimes all you need is a trip to the ocean 🌊🌞🏄

Hola lovelies 💕,

I’m really feeling like I’m in stuck lately. I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and I’m not. It feels like I’m not living at all but just surviving with these feelings and thoughts. I just have to take it day by day. My anxiety is getting bad again as you may you have read in my last blog posts. In this blog post I will tell you why I spontaneous planned a trip to the beach with my mum and why it will help my mental health so much.

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I edited this collage with beautiful beach quotes I found ✌

Last week, I enjoyed the fiestas of Valladolid which was 10 days long. I enjoyed the delicious tapas, I went to amazing concerts and I had fun with my mother and friends. Last Friday, I was waiting for an artist to get a picture with them and you never know who I saw also waiting for the artist: the dentist. The one I’ve to go and the one who did the dental implant of my mother. Hhahah it was so funny and also kinda awkward 😂. I was all the time talking about how I’ve to go to the dentist and that I’m anxious about it. My mother said maybe that’s him. Then he turned around and he said “hola” to my mother and to me “oh so you are the one who is afraid.” I said yes haha feeling shy. He was with a girl and I saw them kissing a lot lol it was such a pretty random meeting. He was also smoking which I think is pretty strange if you are a dentist, right?! I think smoking isn’t that good for your tooth but hey, that’s my opinion. We talked a bit about the artists and he said he enjoyed the concert and then they walked away. He seemed pretty handsome 😆. He’s like 40 years I guess.

Last Wednesday, I entered the dentist clinic and I really had to force myself to make an appointment. I didn’t see the dentist. I went with my mother and we only talked to a woman in the reception. She seemed nice and they even had a video with ambiance music with nature sounds. Hahah, seems perfect for anxious people like me 😂. She said we had to make an appointment because everything was full that day. I said I didn’t have any pain only that my wisdom teeth aren’t okay. I’ve an appointment for next Wednesday at 7.00 in the afternoon. I hope I’ll not again postpone it and don’t go. I know I’ve to go and that’s is the best for my health. It’s only to make a picture of my tooth and talk with the dentist. You all know I’ve airplane tickets to go back to The Netherlands on the 26 of September. So, I don’t know if I need to get a treatment for my wisdom teeth before and if there’s enough time for it. I prefer to do it here because if he really is nice and caring, it would be much better for me. It’s also cheaper in Spain. I’ve been thinking to send the dentist clinic a message on Facebook about my anxiety but maybe that would be strange.

So, Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep again and was thinking that I really need to get away to feel better. I had to something to feel less anxiety and be happy again. I knew exactly what it was. I wanted to go to a Surf Camp in Somo, Santander which is in the north of Spain for so long. I also wanted to surprise my mother because her birthday is on the 22th of September. My father’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I sent him via a website a pie with some designed pictures so I also wanted to do something special for my mother. I was looking for hotels and found a cheap hotel in Somo, a paradise for surfers. This hotel has also a delicious Italian restaurant. Pizza and a beach hotel is just the perfect combination 🍕🌊. I’m already hungry for the pizza I’m going to eat 😍. The hotel is just 150 meters from the beach. I booked spontaneous a hotel for two nights which costed €110 which is pretty cheap. We are going this Sunday until Tuesday. The reviews of this hotel were so good too. I’m not going to a Surf Camp because the last one was this weekend. Instead, I’m going to take surf classes for €30 🏄🌊🌞. I didn’t surf since two years so I’m really looking forward to it. Maybe, I will take one or two. My mother is really happy with this present. I’m so excited to go away for a few days. We still have to pack. My mother already bought the train tickets. It was like €78 for both and with some discount cards. 

Sometimes you just have to do what your mind tells you to do as in ways of doing spontaneous things such as travelling. Travelling always make me so happy even though flying makes me anxious. I prefer to travel by bus or train. I know flying is safe but I still feel anxious on airplanes and especially when there are turbulences. I just need to go to a beautiful place to clear my mind and be at peace. The best place to go for me is the beach. Feeling the wind in my hair, tasting the salt sea, hearing the waves, watching the waves crashing into the rocks, smelling the salt air all creates me a sense of peace. The sea gives me so much happiness. It always makes me so happy. I feel more calm and my anxiety become less. When I’m at the beach I feel one with the world and I can’t think of any problems. It all disappear just at that moment. Whenever I take the first step on the sand I already feel that the world is a happy place and that I belong here. In another blog post, I will write more about my relationship with the sea. I’ve always loved the sea. In The Netherlands, I lived just 15 min by car or one hour by bike from the sea. Here in Spain, the nearest place for me is Santander. It takes 3 hours by train or 4 and a half hours by bus. The beach of Somo is 30 minutes away by bus or 15 min by boat from Santander. 

Somo is a beautiful beach to enjoy for especially surfers. I’ve always wanted to go there and now I’m finally going and I feel like I’m in heaven when I look at this two videos. The beach is so beautiful. It’s a paradise for beach lovers as me. You can swim in the ocean and take beautiful walks. I love to walk on the beach. I love to swim in the ocean. I love to surf. I love to read on the beach. I love to take pictures on the beach. You can do so many amazinf activities on the beach. The list is endless. This beach is more than 2000 km long and it’s a beach of sand which I love. I don’t like beaches with rocks or stones that much. It hurts me. I love to feel the soft sand in my toes. I’m always covered with sands haha whereas so many other people hate it. The sand is my friend hahaha 😂. I love it all. Beautiful nature 😍💕🌊🌞.  

Just look at these two videos I found on Youtube and you will know what I mean.

The sea cures everything. The salty water is so good for your health. I’ve also felt afraid in the ocean and respect it much because it seems like a infinite place. I can swim very well but I’m afraid to drown. I never go too deep into the ocean just to be safe. I remember a time I went to a Surf Camp in Galicia in the north of Spain too and was afraid of the high waves there. There was also bad weather so it didn’t make it better. I was looking at the weather and it will be between 22 and 28 degrees the days we’re going so that’s perfect 👌. The water is always much colder than the south of Spain. It also rains a lot in this region (Cantabria) so I always check the weather before I go. I just love to be in the sea, swim and surf. I never catched a real wave so hopefully one day I will. I can stand on the surfboard. I’m just still learning and just having fun which is the most important. I didn’t do it for two years so I’m still a beginner. I have to look if I still fit in my wetsuit. The sea is my medicine. Everything about the sea makes me feel so calm. Nature definitely is so beautiful and we have to go there more and enjoy it more. Whenever I’m surfing, swimming or just walking at the beach I forget everything. I feel at peace at the moment. Just being present makes such a difference in my anxious mind. Not thinking about the past or not thinking about the future is just the best. I have to admit that I really have to focus more on the now even though it’s difficult. It makes such a different in your mindset.

I can’t wait to go on Sunday. I’m counting the hours to meet the real love of my life again, the ocean. My last time at the beach was at the end of July when I went to Granada. I already miss it so much. Here’s a little poem I wrote about the love I have for the ocean. I hope you like it. I want to share more poems which I wrote.

The love of the ocean 🌊

The ocean who is always there for me, in good and bad times.

The ocean who knows all my secrets.

The ocean who knows my fears.

The ocean who never let me down.

The ocean who calms my anxiety.

The ocean who cures everything.

The ocean who makes my heart so happy. 

The ocean is my home.

The ocean is where I belong.

I will never stop loving the ocean.

Sometimes all you need is vitamin sea. Just do the things which calm your soul and which makes you happy you are alive. We really have to do more things we love. At the end, we will only remember the trips we made, the people who love, the things as books, music and movies we listened and watched and which will hold deep memories. Do more of what makes you happy and free. We’ll always be young, wild, happy and free 😄✌💕.

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A beautiful picture and quote I edited. I took this picture some years ago at the beach Zandvoort in The Netherlands. I hope you like it 😄

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it inspired you to go on more spontaneous trips and do things which really make you happy in life. Do you also have dentist anxiety and do you have some tips to be calm? Do you also love to go on spontaneous trips? Do you love the sea as much as I do? Did you like my pictures and poem? I would love to know your thoughts and opinion 😄. I speak to you all soon in my next blog post which problably will be about this trip and maybe a photo diary.

Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina

10 September: World Suicide Prevention Day 

Hey lovelies 💕,

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments on my last blog post. I hope that I will feel soon okay and that everything will be allright. This is my 100th post on WordPress. I just can’t believe I’ve wrote so many posts already. It’s an incredible adventure. I’m really so thankful to be part of this beautiful blogging community. Thank you all for always holding space and for always being there. I’m here to stay and will always create great content. I’m also happy to write new content. You guys mean the world to me and I wish to meet you all soon. I want to be able to give you all a hug, chat and have fun together. I love you all so much ❤

Today I want to talk about something really important which I also shared last year on my blog. It’s about world suicide prevention day. I want to add more things and also share a beautiful text from To Write Love On Her Arms. TWLOHA is a beautiful non-provit movement dedicated to presenting hope & finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. There’s also an other proyect called Proyect Semicolon which is an organization dedicated to the prevention of suicide. Through raising public awareness, educating communities, and equipping every person with the right rools, they know that they can save lives.

Today is an important day in the world. Today is world suicide prevention day. More than 800.000 people die each year of commiting suicide. That’s one person every 40 seconds. This is just so horrible. Suicide is still one of the main causes of death in the world. It’s really a shocking fact.

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I think a person who has a mental illness can have suicidal thoughts. Of course, I will not say everybody because there are some people who don’t have these thoughts. I will admit that suffering from anxiety myself I have these thoughts. I still feel sometimes ashamed to have these thoughts. People always say when someone commit suicide how selfish this person is to leave all his/her beloved ones. Now, I know that it isn’t selfish at all. A person who commit suicide didn’t had enough help or support and just couldn’t stand any longer the pain they feel in life.

I know from myself that I will never do anything to harm myself or be in danger. I just have sometimes negative thoughts like it would be better if I die because nobody loves me or because I’m not worth it. I only remember a time at college where I really began to feel extremely bad. I don’t know if I really felt suicidal but I began to have so many negative thoughts, couldn’t sleep at night, felt really anxious and was completely withdrawing my social life. I didn’t leave my house for like two months while working on a proyect of photography for school. This was really not okay. My good friends also began to notice that something wasn’t allright. This also happened in Spain this year twice where I didn’t left the house in two weeks. I still feel a bit scared to share my story because it feels like I can’t label myself for a person who is really in danger you know. I just wish we would treat every mental illness with respect and understanding. Everyone deserve help and every experience is valid. Not because someone has it worse than you means that your feelings and thoughts don’t count.

I’m glad I have a supportive family and friends. I’m glad I can get help whenever I need to. Lately, I’ve been thinking to really go to therapy because maybe I need it too besides taking antidepressants and anti anxiety medication. I’m again struggling with anxiety and with the things I explained in My last blog post. I tried 7 sessions with a social worker in The Netherlands and I was all the time too anxious to go and it made it worse until the point I had to vomit each time. So, I still don’t know if I will try it again or if it will work out. It’s just important to have support and help whenever you need to.

The point is suicide is everywhere around us. I don’t want to sound depressing but it’s. I’ve heard of some people from my high school who commited suicide. I didn’t know them but still it hits me. We all know that so many artists commited suicide. It’s really painful. Last year Chester Benningston commited suicide. This year Avicii, Kate Spade and Mc Miller commited suicide. Also Demi Lovato did an overdose which could have been really bad but I’m so thankful that she got the help she need to recover now. There are so many artists to name to the endless list. It’s really sad. What I think is important is that we have to talk about suicide every day not only when a famous one dies of suicide. It’s a difficult subject but we have to spread awareness. Every day there are people commiting suicide. Also to mention the dead of Mc Miller this weekend. People are blaming Ariana Grande for his death which I found really not right. He was a drug addict and she felt she was in a toxic relationship. She has the right to walk away. At the end, the responsibility of one who commit suicide is always theirs.

I still believe that suicide isn’t an option because there’s help and treatment possible. Society needs to raise more awareness and talk about it. The number of people commiting suicide needs to be much less. I was afraid to speak up about my anxiety but I’m so glad I did. There shouldn’t be a stigma around mental health illnesses aymore. Every day we are breaking this stigma with talking about it. It’s so important to talk about it, find support and get help. There needs to be help available for people who haven’t much money. Sometimes a treatment can be very expensive and not all people can pay that amount of people. There needs to be organizations who cover those costs so that everyone can get the treatment without any problem. I hope that maybe in the future I can help these people in need. Even though I’m struggling myself I’m always here to help people.


To end this post I want to share something I find so beautiful on the blog of TWLOHA:

Tomorrow needs you.

Tomorrow needs you to be a good friend.
Tomorrow needs you to hold your little sister’s hand.
Tomorrow needs you to be an uncle, a classmate, a roommate, a cousin.
Tomorrow needs you to laugh. To dance. To build. To dream.

Tomorrow needs you to stay for all the things you love.
Your favorite song still needs you to sing.
You still need to hear your child’s voice.
Your favorite film needs you to watch it once again.
Your favorite meal, favorite city, favorite beach, and favorite book.
Your favorite place to watch the sunset.

Won’t you stay to see the sun rise?

Tomorrow needs you to write that novel, record that podcast, share that poem.
Because no one else has your voice.
Because no one else can play your part.

More than anything, tomorrow needs you to love and be loved.
You don’t have to perform or impress or achieve.
You can if you want but tomorrow needs you just to be yourself.
To love the people you love and to be loved by all the ones who love you.

If you need tomorrow to heal and to recover, it’s okay.
If you need ten tomorrows or a hundred or a whole year, it’s okay.
There’s no rush and you won’t have to go alone.

Today is not the day your story ends.
Today is not the day the darkness wins.
Today needs you to know this world needs you.
Today needs you to know that you can say your pain out loud.
Today needs you to know that it’s okay to ask for help.
Today needs you to know that you can get the help you need.

Because tomorrow needs you.

I also want to write my own statement:

Tomorrow needs me because I’m here to help myself and other people.

Tomorrow needs me because my family and friends love me.

Tomorrow needs me to inspire the world with my writing.

You can also make it by yourself. Start by downloading the response card and fill the “Tomorrow needs me because…” prompt. You can share it online and use #WSPD18 and #TomorrowNeedsYou when you share your picture. Don’t forget to tag @twloha on Twitter and Instagram so that they can see it. It’s important to raise our voice and share our story online.

ResponseCardWSPD18LandingPage-CampaignSocial


To all the people suffering right now from mental health issues: please reach out. Don’t be ashamed to admit that you are feeling bad. It isn’t your fault. I know from experience that sometimes I find it hard to open up when I feel bad. It can be a good thing to ask someone how are you and ask them if they are really okay. When good friends or family asked me that and looked me into the eyes I cried because I couldn’t lie again about how I’m feeling. I told them the truth of how I felt. Not every person with a mental illness can reach other so I suggest that we all reach out. When we see someone struggling help them when they can’t help themselves. Let’s make this world a better place with more love, hope, support and understanding 🌍

Always remember mental health is as important as physical health. You don’t have to do it alone. There will always people out there that wants to help you when you are struggling. We have to help each other. You are worth it. Life is though but we are thougher. We can go through it all together. You deserve the help you need. You can do it. You are never alone 💕💫 We are all in this together 💪

youarenotalone

I send you all so much love and light in life 💕💫 ,

xoxo Christina

The girl who appears strong and cries herself to sleep 

Hey lovelies 💕,

I didn’t want to write this sad and negative blog post right now but as you know I always want to be real and 100% honest on my blog I did. I don’t want to fake anything. This is my place where I can be myself without feeling judged. Here I can write all my thoughts and feelings down. It always feels so good to get everything out. Let it all go.

I’m not feeling okay lately. Maybe, I haven’t felt okay for a year now. I’m already one and a half year living in Spain. The first half year I did my internship at the International Relations Office of the University of Valladolid. It was such an amazing time. Even though I also experienced panick attacks and was not coping well with my anxiety during that time. I went to the doctors here in Spain last year and got antidepressants. I’m still taking it for one and a half year just 20 mg each day. One in the morning and one at night. I also got subscriped 1.5 mg of bromazepam which is a benzodiazepine which I took when I felt high anxiety for example when I took my last exam of college in August. I only take that when I feel high anxiety.

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep. I just can’t stop crying 😢. I really have to change my sleep schedule because it’s all messed up. I literally feel like a mess and a failure. I told myself after graduating last year in August that I would chase my dreams and get a job in Spain. I always wanted to live in Spain and I really do. I feel like I’m just a lazy person but I’m really not. During my internship last year I worked really hard and enjoyed it. I learned a lot and had amazing co-workers. It was hard to be get in touch with the working world because I’ve never done an intership or work 35 hours each week. I think it’s also harder for people with a mental illness. I just wish people would understand that and respect that more.

I feel like a failure right now because I still haven’t a job in Spain. All I have done is nothing. Well, I enjoyed my time here in Spain and went to concerts with my friends, lately I have been reading books again, eat delicious tapas, celebrated birthdays, celebrated new year’s eve, went to the concert of Operación Triunfo in March in Madrid with my friend, went to the swimming pool 13 times this Summer, started this blog, made singing videos again to show the world, wrote poetry, took a lot of pictures, travelled to Granada with my mother in July and went to the wedding of my brother and his wife last month. I also have been feeling more inspired and listened to the postcasts of Yoga Girl which helps me a lot. I still want to go three days to a Surf Camp in Santander in Spain this month. The ocean always cleans my soul and makes me happy.

I’ve done a lot of fun things and I’m grateful for that. I also have done a lot of things which I couldn’t when I was still studying. Maybe, if I still were in college I wouldn’t have made this blog because it takes a lot of time. Maybe it wasn’t the right time then but for me it was. I just need to have a job now. I still live at home but I know that earning money gives you freedom. It’s important. I’m just so anxious about the working world because I’ve never worked only that half year during my internship and one day at a party by a bar. I still remember that day. I did everything wrong well it just felt that way and I always blame myself for everything. Also because one girl got angry at me for doing it wrong.

I talked in my other blog post when I was in Granada that I didn’t feel okay lately. Well, this is the truth. Right now, I’m enjoying the fiestas week of Valladolid which are 10 days of eating delicious tapas and going to concerts. They began on Friday and end this Sunday. It’s a lot of fun. I enjoyes these days with my friend and the concert of Operación Triunfo which is a Spanish talentshow was amazing. I talk about that a lot because I’m such a big fan and music saves lives. It makes me so happy. Then today it hits me again how empty and lost I feel. I was with friends today and I laughed and smiled but I wasn’t happy. They are my real friends and I feel like I even can’t be honest with them 100%. I told them some stuff I bother with but I just didn’t say much about it today. I feel like if I talk about how I feel a failure and feel so anxious for searching for a job I will break into tears. I don’t want to ruin a great moment with my friends.

So there I sat today with my friends feeling strange and sad. In my house and bedroom I can be myself and cry everything out. I’m done with faking how I feel. Today I also met a teacher of a friend and said to her how I felt lost in life. She said I would find a job here in Spain and that she wish me much luck. I love those beautiful compliments from strangers. They make my day. So, I’m going to be 100% honest right now. There are three things which bother me right now and have been for a long time. They aren’t in any order as they are all important to me.

1. I just don’t know where to begin to search for a job

I feel like nobody helps you with this after graduating college. I didn’t do nothing for searching for a job. I did something but not enough I think. I made a new cv and updated it. I have my cv on toplanguages.com. This is a website which searchs for international jobs with languages such as Dutch, Spanish and English. I can speak this three languages almost fluently. Well, my level of English will be high but not as a native speaker. I also have my cv on Spanish websites such as Infojobs.es or my internship website. A company called me once that they wanted an English teacher but I’m not a teacher. My mother answered that call because I was too afraid. When I talked with the man, they already had one person and I felt I missed a chance.

I also got a lot of calls on my phone and on email from companies all over the world like UK, Poland, Malta, Portugal, Ireland and many more. I wrote on my CV that I was looking for a job in Spain but other countries called me. I never aswered any of them back. The one of Portugal is still calling me sometimes. I also think I missed a chance from the one who I really applied. It was a job in Lisbon, in Portugal and was called Teleperformance. I sent my cv and got through the first round that was suppose to be a phone call. I answered the email with that I’m not interested anymore because I was afraid. I wanted to be in Spain but Portugal would be nice too but I didn’t do it. Maybe, I would have passed all the tests. They even offered me an accomodation and a flight for free.

I know there are a lot of jobs in bigger cities than Valladolid in Spain like Madrid or Barcelona. The thing is, we have a home in Valladolid. I know some people in Madrid but haven’t real friends there. I’m afraid to feel alone. I love that city but I don’t know if all of that changes will make me even more anxious and if that will be worth it. In Spain there’s a different system to look for a job than in Holland. Many students after graduating study for a special exam and when they pass that exam they are able to work in the public sector. You can do interviews but that’s only if you want to work in a company in the private sector. Many of these students fail that exam the first time and could be studying for years after graduating without having a job. If I would work in Madrid I also have to earn a lot of money like €1500 or more to be able to afford myself. The salaries in Spain are less than in The Netherlands and I’m pretty much aware of that. However, the costs of living are higher in The Netherlands.

2. I’m also feeling anxious about going to the dentist

Maybe, this fear is even worse than getting a job right now. My father was in August here for the wedding of my brother and was pushing myself again to go to the dentist. He and my mother even made an appointment and I never went. My mother only knows. I just hate that he always push me to do everything I’m anxious about. I have problems in my wisdom teeth. I have a caries in one of them and some are not growing well and sometimes it feels strange. I’m escaping of life. I know this huge fear is consuming me. This week I have been having nightmares that I was in The Netherlands in the hospital to get my wisdom teeth pulled out. I woke up so anxious. In the Netherlands, you have to go to the dentist twice a year. In Spain, people are afraid to go to the dentist and just don’t take care of it. I know it’s important but I’m scared as hell. In The Netherlands it’s way more expensive to get them pulled out and there also less human than here and you have to go to the hospital.

My mother is living in Spain with me right now for a year because she was doing a dental implant. One of her front teeth felt down when she was eating a bread here in Spain. My mother went to the private clinic near to our house, just 5min. away. She said he’s friendly, caring and did it so good without having any pain. She also got antibiotics and other medication afterwards and it was all allright.

I’m just so afraid. My father bought the airplane tickets to The Netherlands on the 26 of September. I don’t want to go. If I don’t go to the dentist here in Spain, I know for sure my father is going to push me in The Netherlands and we will have big fights. I have to go now in Spain and still have time and can do it with my mother. My daddy wants the best for me but I just feel like he doesn’t understand that pushing is not a great way to help me. He would even pay for it which I would be grateful for as I have no incomes. I’m afraid of pain, needles and the unknown. I’m also afraid that the dentist here doesn’t understand my anxiety like the one in The Netherlands who called me childish and said that I was acting as an 15 year old when I had to do a root canal treatment a few years ago. This comment led to a panick attack after that appointment. I should go right before I will experience real pain?! I have to stop escaping everything I fear in my life. If I tell the dentist my anxiety I hope it will be okay. If any of you have any advice how to deal with this I would be forever thankful. Anyone else have anxiety for the dentist?!

3. I’m feeling sad because my father bought the airplane tickets to The Netherlands on the 26 of September which is in three weeks

I just don’t want to go. Even if I would have a job right now, would they accept me to stay here when he bought the tickets and everything is paid? I’m not going to run away from home. My brother did it with 17 years because he couldn’t get along with him. It was a hard time and my father didn’t speak for three years with him. I love my family, I really do. I just feel like they are controlling my life as in where I have to go and what I have to do. Maybe, my parents want to sell their house in the Netherlands. They always speak about that. Of course, then I have to be there and pack my stuff. My father also bought airplane tickets to go back to Spain on the 26 of December to the 9th of January. Again, I would have to go back and I’m just so angry about that. My question is if I would get a job now here in Spain then would I be able to stay here?! I’m also afraid he’s going to push me for searching a job in Holland when I don’t want to live there or will call me bad words which will hurt me for not working.

I’ve never been living for such a long time in Spain. I’m now living in Spain for one year and a half. I went to Holland 3 times to do my last exam last June and in August. The last time I went was with my mother with Christmas. I’ve never been for 9 months in Spain and not going once to Holland. I love Holland too. I was born there. I was born in Haarlem which is a city near to Amsterdam, just 15 minutes away.

I just have always felt more happier in Spain than in The Netherlands. I know that if I’m not happy in myself I can’t be in any country. The thing is that every time I had to go back to home Holland I was always crying and it took me a lot of time to adjust to the lifestyle there. I was always counting the days to go to Spain on holiday again. I also did my exchange in Spain a few years ago. Every time I landed in Spain I was crying from happiness. I love Holland and I miss my good friends and family. Spain has such a special place in my heart ❤❤❤. I love these two countries but my heart always tells me that I want to live and work in Spain. I know it’s more difficult because of the salaries and the system but nothing is impossible, right?! Spain is such a beautiful country. I love the weather, the friendly people, the beautiful landscape, the delicious food and just everything.

These were the points that bother me right now. Everytime I’m telling my dreams someone says that I’m not going to achieve them. I have to tell them I can and will achieve anything I want in life. Always dream big and follow your heart no matter what 💕. Your heart always have the answers. Trust it because it never lies.

Sorry for this rant. I hope it wasn’t too borring or negative to read. I just always want to be 100% honest here. If I can’t be honest all the time in real life then I will be here. Thank you all for reading. Do you have any advice of searching for a job (in Spain), dealing with dentist anxiety or not wanting to go back to Holland? I would appreciate your thoughts and advice so much. Thank you for holding space to me. Writing this made me already feel a bit lighter. It feels great to let things go.

I hope I will be okay and that everything will be allright soon. I love you all so much from the bottom of my heart 💕

Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina