The girl who appears strong and cries herself to sleep 

Hey lovelies 💕,

I didn’t want to write this sad and negative blog post right now but as you know I always want to be real and 100% honest on my blog I did. I don’t want to fake anything. This is my place where I can be myself without feeling judged. Here I can write all my thoughts and feelings down. It always feels so good to get everything out. Let it all go.

I’m not feeling okay lately. Maybe, I haven’t felt okay for a year now. I’m already one and a half year living in Spain. The first half year I did my internship at the International Relations Office of the University of Valladolid. It was such an amazing time. Even though I also experienced panick attacks and was not coping well with my anxiety during that time. I went to the doctors here in Spain last year and got antidepressants. I’m still taking it for one and a half year just 20 mg each day. One in the morning and one at night. I also got subscriped 1.5 mg of bromazepam which is a benzodiazepine which I took when I felt high anxiety for example when I took my last exam of college in August. I only take that when I feel high anxiety.

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep. I just can’t stop crying 😢. I really have to change my sleep schedule because it’s all messed up. I literally feel like a mess and a failure. I told myself after graduating last year in August that I would chase my dreams and get a job in Spain. I always wanted to live in Spain and I really do. I feel like I’m just a lazy person but I’m really not. During my internship last year I worked really hard and enjoyed it. I learned a lot and had amazing co-workers. It was hard to be get in touch with the working world because I’ve never done an intership or work 35 hours each week. I think it’s also harder for people with a mental illness. I just wish people would understand that and respect that more.

I feel like a failure right now because I still haven’t a job in Spain. All I have done is nothing. Well, I enjoyed my time here in Spain and went to concerts with my friends, lately I have been reading books again, eat delicious tapas, celebrated birthdays, celebrated new year’s eve, went to the concert of Operación Triunfo in March in Madrid with my friend, went to the swimming pool 13 times this Summer, started this blog, made singing videos again to show the world, wrote poetry, took a lot of pictures, travelled to Granada with my mother in July and went to the wedding of my brother and his wife last month. I also have been feeling more inspired and listened to the postcasts of Yoga Girl which helps me a lot. I still want to go three days to a Surf Camp in Santander in Spain this month. The ocean always cleans my soul and makes me happy.

I’ve done a lot of fun things and I’m grateful for that. I also have done a lot of things which I couldn’t when I was still studying. Maybe, if I still were in college I wouldn’t have made this blog because it takes a lot of time. Maybe it wasn’t the right time then but for me it was. I just need to have a job now. I still live at home but I know that earning money gives you freedom. It’s important. I’m just so anxious about the working world because I’ve never worked only that half year during my internship and one day at a party by a bar. I still remember that day. I did everything wrong well it just felt that way and I always blame myself for everything. Also because one girl got angry at me for doing it wrong.

I talked in my other blog post when I was in Granada that I didn’t feel okay lately. Well, this is the truth. Right now, I’m enjoying the fiestas week of Valladolid which are 10 days of eating delicious tapas and going to concerts. They began on Friday and end this Sunday. It’s a lot of fun. I enjoyes these days with my friend and the concert of Operación Triunfo which is a Spanish talentshow was amazing. I talk about that a lot because I’m such a big fan and music saves lives. It makes me so happy. Then today it hits me again how empty and lost I feel. I was with friends today and I laughed and smiled but I wasn’t happy. They are my real friends and I feel like I even can’t be honest with them 100%. I told them some stuff I bother with but I just didn’t say much about it today. I feel like if I talk about how I feel a failure and feel so anxious for searching for a job I will break into tears. I don’t want to ruin a great moment with my friends.

So there I sat today with my friends feeling strange and sad. In my house and bedroom I can be myself and cry everything out. I’m done with faking how I feel. Today I also met a teacher of a friend and said to her how I felt lost in life. She said I would find a job here in Spain and that she wish me much luck. I love those beautiful compliments from strangers. They make my day. So, I’m going to be 100% honest right now. There are three things which bother me right now and have been for a long time. They aren’t in any order as they are all important to me.

1. I just don’t know where to begin to search for a job

I feel like nobody helps you with this after graduating college. I didn’t do nothing for searching for a job. I did something but not enough I think. I made a new cv and updated it. I have my cv on toplanguages.com. This is a website which searchs for international jobs with languages such as Dutch, Spanish and English. I can speak this three languages almost fluently. Well, my level of English will be high but not as a native speaker. I also have my cv on Spanish websites such as Infojobs.es or my internship website. A company called me once that they wanted an English teacher but I’m not a teacher. My mother answered that call because I was too afraid. When I talked with the man, they already had one person and I felt I missed a chance.

I also got a lot of calls on my phone and on email from companies all over the world like UK, Poland, Malta, Portugal, Ireland and many more. I wrote on my CV that I was looking for a job in Spain but other countries called me. I never aswered any of them back. The one of Portugal is still calling me sometimes. I also think I missed a chance from the one who I really applied. It was a job in Lisbon, in Portugal and was called Teleperformance. I sent my cv and got through the first round that was suppose to be a phone call. I answered the email with that I’m not interested anymore because I was afraid. I wanted to be in Spain but Portugal would be nice too but I didn’t do it. Maybe, I would have passed all the tests. They even offered me an accomodation and a flight for free.

I know there are a lot of jobs in bigger cities than Valladolid in Spain like Madrid or Barcelona. The thing is, we have a home in Valladolid. I know some people in Madrid but haven’t real friends there. I’m afraid to feel alone. I love that city but I don’t know if all of that changes will make me even more anxious and if that will be worth it. In Spain there’s a different system to look for a job than in Holland. Many students after graduating study for a special exam and when they pass that exam they are able to work in the public sector. You can do interviews but that’s only if you want to work in a company in the private sector. Many of these students fail that exam the first time and could be studying for years after graduating without having a job. If I would work in Madrid I also have to earn a lot of money like €1500 or more to be able to afford myself. The salaries in Spain are less than in The Netherlands and I’m pretty much aware of that. However, the costs of living are higher in The Netherlands.

2. I’m also feeling anxious about going to the dentist

Maybe, this fear is even worse than getting a job right now. My father was in August here for the wedding of my brother and was pushing myself again to go to the dentist. He and my mother even made an appointment and I never went. My mother only knows. I just hate that he always push me to do everything I’m anxious about. I have problems in my wisdom teeth. I have a caries in one of them and some are not growing well and sometimes it feels strange. I’m escaping of life. I know this huge fear is consuming me. This week I have been having nightmares that I was in The Netherlands in the hospital to get my wisdom teeth pulled out. I woke up so anxious. In the Netherlands, you have to go to the dentist twice a year. In Spain, people are afraid to go to the dentist and just don’t take care of it. I know it’s important but I’m scared as hell. In The Netherlands it’s way more expensive to get them pulled out and there also less human than here and you have to go to the hospital.

My mother is living in Spain with me right now for a year because she was doing a dental implant. One of her front teeth felt down when she was eating a bread here in Spain. My mother went to the private clinic near to our house, just 5min. away. She said he’s friendly, caring and did it so good without having any pain. She also got antibiotics and other medication afterwards and it was all allright.

I’m just so afraid. My father bought the airplane tickets to The Netherlands on the 26 of September. I don’t want to go. If I don’t go to the dentist here in Spain, I know for sure my father is going to push me in The Netherlands and we will have big fights. I have to go now in Spain and still have time and can do it with my mother. My daddy wants the best for me but I just feel like he doesn’t understand that pushing is not a great way to help me. He would even pay for it which I would be grateful for as I have no incomes. I’m afraid of pain, needles and the unknown. I’m also afraid that the dentist here doesn’t understand my anxiety like the one in The Netherlands who called me childish and said that I was acting as an 15 year old when I had to do a root canal treatment a few years ago. This comment led to a panick attack after that appointment. I should go right before I will experience real pain?! I have to stop escaping everything I fear in my life. If I tell the dentist my anxiety I hope it will be okay. If any of you have any advice how to deal with this I would be forever thankful. Anyone else have anxiety for the dentist?!

3. I’m feeling sad because my father bought the airplane tickets to The Netherlands on the 26 of September which is in three weeks

I just don’t want to go. Even if I would have a job right now, would they accept me to stay here when he bought the tickets and everything is paid? I’m not going to run away from home. My brother did it with 17 years because he couldn’t get along with him. It was a hard time and my father didn’t speak for three years with him. I love my family, I really do. I just feel like they are controlling my life as in where I have to go and what I have to do. Maybe, my parents want to sell their house in the Netherlands. They always speak about that. Of course, then I have to be there and pack my stuff. My father also bought airplane tickets to go back to Spain on the 26 of December to the 9th of January. Again, I would have to go back and I’m just so angry about that. My question is if I would get a job now here in Spain then would I be able to stay here?! I’m also afraid he’s going to push me for searching a job in Holland when I don’t want to live there or will call me bad words which will hurt me for not working.

I’ve never been living for such a long time in Spain. I’m now living in Spain for one year and a half. I went to Holland 3 times to do my last exam last June and in August. The last time I went was with my mother with Christmas. I’ve never been for 9 months in Spain and not going once to Holland. I love Holland too. I was born there. I was born in Haarlem which is a city near to Amsterdam, just 15 minutes away.

I just have always felt more happier in Spain than in The Netherlands. I know that if I’m not happy in myself I can’t be in any country. The thing is that every time I had to go back to home Holland I was always crying and it took me a lot of time to adjust to the lifestyle there. I was always counting the days to go to Spain on holiday again. I also did my exchange in Spain a few years ago. Every time I landed in Spain I was crying from happiness. I love Holland and I miss my good friends and family. Spain has such a special place in my heart ❤❤❤. I love these two countries but my heart always tells me that I want to live and work in Spain. I know it’s more difficult because of the salaries and the system but nothing is impossible, right?! Spain is such a beautiful country. I love the weather, the friendly people, the beautiful landscape, the delicious food and just everything.

These were the points that bother me right now. Everytime I’m telling my dreams someone says that I’m not going to achieve them. I have to tell them I can and will achieve anything I want in life. Always dream big and follow your heart no matter what 💕. Your heart always have the answers. Trust it because it never lies.

Sorry for this rant. I hope it wasn’t too borring or negative to read. I just always want to be 100% honest here. If I can’t be honest all the time in real life then I will be here. Thank you all for reading. Do you have any advice of searching for a job (in Spain), dealing with dentist anxiety or not wanting to go back to Holland? I would appreciate your thoughts and advice so much. Thank you for holding space to me. Writing this made me already feel a bit lighter. It feels great to let things go.

I hope I will be okay and that everything will be allright soon. I love you all so much from the bottom of my heart 💕

Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina


15 thoughts on “The girl who appears strong and cries herself to sleep 

  1. I take lorazepam and quetiapine to sedate me before I go to the dentist, and that helps. Hopefully you’ll be able to get it taken care of in Spain so it won’t become an issue with your dad. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I still have bromazepam at home which also helps for anxiety. Thank you so much ❤ Yes, I really need to go even though I’m scared as hell. It will be better to do it in Spain because it’s cheaper too and I don’t want my daddy to push me which only increase my anxiety.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It sounds like you have a lot going on and you are overwhelmed; I can understand. For people with mental illness; it is difficult to gain independence and step into the workforce. I relate to depression and feeling like I am not as far along I would like to be. But what I will say is that I am happy you have supportive friends; I hope that makes a difference. I hope things improve for you. y recuerdas que tu eres muy importante y tienes que cuidarte incuyendo y salud de mental. espero lo mejor para ti. cuidate

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment. Yes, I really have. It’s difficult as my anxiety is again bad and I’m feeling bad. Hopefully, I’ll be okay soon. I can understand you. Everything happens at our own time. I really have to let go other peoples opinions and take care of myself and try not to compare even though it’s hard. Muchas gracias. Lo mismo digo. Todo irá bien 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I know how it feels with the work issue. But I can see how you are additionally torn between the two countries. I think it would be difficult even for a person who doesn’t struggle currently with emotional issues to decide about how to deal with this. It’s not an easy situation, so no wonder it keeps you awake at night. Also, a combination of your gentleness and sensitive personality and of a strong personality of your father is a huge issue and something I’ve experienced as well. It’s just impossible to explain internal world to people who have never felt in some ways and are very adamant about what has to be done in life.
    I think that it will take time for you to sort all this, because it’s a bit like transforming into a butterfly. You don’t do it in one day, you have to do it gradually and persistently try to be gentle and show up for yourself with emotional self-care during all those times when others will be giving you hard time,and when life will be throwing sand in your face. Self care is crucial, the whole list of small things you love and that make you feel better is super important and can never be neglected! It’s not easy to be a gentle soul and not easy to survive in this world with it. That’s why I wrote that you will need time to figure out how to make things YOUR way while keeping emotional balance as much as possible. Solutions that people who have very strong psyche take,do not always have to work for us.
    I can’t give you any magical advice, also because I’m struggling myself,but I can offer understanding. I feel like you would want the world,especially the people who are close to you,to always understand why you feel and behave in some ways at certain times. I would want that too,to be understood by people who think that I’m nuts at time,.. But you know, it’s impossible because it all refers to internal experience. Focusing on making others understand you at all cost will drain your energy… Also making others both understand accept your choices and support them in 100% is rather impossible too. I had impression,while reading, that you would prefer so that your family allows you to stay in Spain and encourage you to do it. But they might not. But you still have right to do it. To pick favorite place in the world to stay in. Maybe not before this flight now, but in long term. I know it’s upsetting to not be able to solve the problem right away , but you can do it later, there is no way for you to not fulfill this dream, just with the pace that won’t make your soul crush under the huge pressure of family and time and own thoughts. So please don’t think that if you don’t manage to instantly make your life look like you want it means you never will. You will!

    Also, I was thinking if it would be maybe possible if you started with small steps. I know you have a university degree, but maybe you could try and start with working in a shop in Valladolid with some products you like? Just to get used to working habit? And then you could of course give yourself enough time to aim higher but having your own income then and taking own decisions when they feel right. If the thought of it is overwhelming right now, I’m sorry to have mentioned it. All I meant was a good inspiration. Sending you tons of hugs ❤

    Ps. With the dentist-if only you could somehow get to the moment of local anesthetic with the hated needle after this you wouldn't feel anything and maybe you could survive? And also plan some great ,deserved reward after (?). I know,easier said than done,but please think of it!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You have so much going on at the moment, and I’m sorry it’s such a hard time for you. But remember that you are not a failure, you’re an amazing person! 🙂 And I know lots of people who take things to calm them down before popping to the dentist, if you ask your dentist they should be able to prescribe you something to help. x Sending hugs. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much lovely ❤️ I’m happy that you understand me. You are so right. I have some pills at home for anxiety. So I guess that would help me. The dentist is just one of my biggest fears ughhh. I really need to overcome it. I hope when I go he will understand it too as I have been to one in Holland and wasn’t at all kind. He said I was being childish and I was acting like a 15 years old. It’s just so important to have a dentist who will understand your anxiety and helps you. Thank you for being there for me. Much love ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. He sounds like a rubbish dentist! I know lots of adults who find going to the dentist really scary, and dentists should understand that. Telling someone they’re being childish never helps anyone! x When are you going? Do you have an appointment booked? Sending lots of hugs. xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I truly appreciate your transparency as I am going through a lot of the same emotions at the moment. You will get through it. Speak only positivity. Hugs! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment and supporting me ❤️🙏 I hope you will feel better soon. I’m also here for you. We are all in this together 💪You are right. xxx ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I an really happy that you are always honest and genuine. Quite frankly, today was very overwhelming for me in many many ways as a matter fact this whole week was. I feel you but I hope you remember that this too shall pass everything is temporary and you’re going to be I promise. Sending you an infinite amount of love❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your lovely words ❤️ I will always be honest. Thank you for holding space so that I can be myself and not feel judged. I hope you too feel better soon. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk. Every thought and feeling pass even though sometimes it feels like you are stuck in it. I love you so much ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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