Life is fragile

Hey lovelies 💕,

I always am like I will write now this blog post and then suddenly my head is full of other ideas or something happens and I want to write about a different subject. I think it’s important to always blog about what you are feeling and thinking in that moment. This is a blog post which I just need to share because I feel this way in this moment. This blog post will be about that life is fragile, the loss of Lisa, a girl I know from my choir and how we often take for granted life and our health. I hope this post will not sound that sad but it’s just what I’m thinking and experiencing right now.

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I came back from Spain last Wednesday night. On Thursday when I woke up I was just checking my phone what I always do. I checked Facebook and read the bad news of Lisa. I read that she had died and I was like no way this can’t be true. Unfortunately, this sad news was true. I woke up cyring. Me and my parents couldn’t believe it. We were all shocked. Lisa got leucemia 8 years ago and almost died during that time. She also had to go to intensive care and went through many chemo therapies. The worst what happened after she was 8 years free of cancer was that this year she got leucemia back. The same form of cancer. This news was unbelievable hard. She has a blog too where she shared all her stories of her life with leucemia. I always read all those blog posts.

8 years ago I remember that I was always asking her sister when I saw her listening to the choir how Lisa was doing. It was the time my father also was in the hospital. This year she had to go again through chemotherapy. Last week she was going through her second chemotherapy. In the future she would have gone through a stam cell therapy too. It was all too much for her body. On Wednesday she was doing really bad and had to go to the intensive care. She died beacuse of liver problems because of the leucemia. She was just 29 years old. She also sang in my choir. I don’t think I was in the choir the same time as she because she was older than me but I saw her during concerts and other times we had to sing with the choir. It’s really so unbelievable sad and heartbreaking that she passed away so young. She was just married one year ago in May in the cathedral where we always sang in Haarlem.

What I admire of her is how positive she always remained on her blog. Lisa also wrote a book about her sickness which is called “Gebroken bloed”. You can buy it on Bol. Her blog is Lisa Hilders if anyone wants to read it but it’s in Dutch. Even though she went through so much she was such a fighter. In one of her last blogs she wrote about how our health is the most important thing in life. If we aren’t healthy we have nothing. I have a hard time dealing with anxiety in my life but I’m happy that I can walk, hear and see. So many people have illnesses and can’t do the things we can. Cancer is a horrible illness. Anxiety is a horrible illness but I can’t die from it. Even though sometimes I feel like dying when I have a panick attack or feel high anxious.

This just reminds me that life is a gift and that we can’t take it for granted. Life is fragile. Sometimes I get caught up in all the negativity and sadness of the world and make myself anxious for nothing. It isn’t worth to feel all of that. The loss of Lisa reminds me again how fragile life is. One second you live, and one second you are dying. We never know what tomorrow will brings us. We have to live for today even thought it’s sometimes difficult to stay present. I also find being grateful really important. In the blog of Lisa I could read how she felt grateful to be at her home during the chemo therapies and how she enjoyed that time to the fullest. We always take things in life for granted and began to think of the things when we don’t have it like our health. Writing this also makes me angry and sad because sometimes life can be so unfair. Why Lisa?! She was fighting to the end and I really was hoping that she would get out of this again. Cancer is just a horrible illness and still so many people die from it every day. I’m glad I donated money in the past for this organization to research more about cancer in that way to safe lives.

The female conductor of my choir wrote a message on the Facebook group of my choir where I’m still updated of news. She posted a post that Lisa passed away and if we wanted to sing two choir songs: Cantique de Jean Racine from Gabriel Fauré and an Irish Blessing. This would be at the cremation of Lisa this Wednesday. I first thought of singing but then I thought that maybe I would be too emotional if I sing so I send the conductor a message. She said that of course I’m welcome and that it’s important for the choir members to focus on this special role. They want to do this for the family of Lisa. I know it will be beautiful. She also said that it’s good that I said that maybe it’s too much for me because there will be many emotions during this cremation. I never went to a cremation before and I’m a bit anxious. I always escaping life and also everything about death. I guess it’s now time to go for the first time and experience this. My mother is also going with me. She worked at my primary school and know my choir members. I’m looking forward to see many of my choir members again because it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them.

This sad news just reminded me that we all can get sick and that we have to live each day as it’s our last. Nothing last forever. We all are going to die. Some earlier than others. I find it important to say I love you to my family and good friends often because you never know when will be the last time you will see a loved one. I don’t want to sound depressing but this is just real life. I’m already sad because of the loss of Lisa and think I would have a very difficult time if a family member or good friend would die. I still need to accept that death is part of life. I have thanatophobia which is a fear of death. I will write a blog post about this subject soon.

It’s good that I’m going this Wednesday with my mother and not alone. If I really get anxious I can always take some anti anxiety medication with me to be sure I’m okay. I do this for Lisa. You are not suffering anymore. I hope you didn’t suffer when you were dying. I wish your family, your hushband, friends and people who know Lisa my deepest condolences. I’m here for you all. I will light up a candle and pray for you 🙏❤. May she rest in peace. She will always be reminded as a beautiful women, a beautiful soul that left this world way too young. She will always be in our hearts.

My heart also goes for everybody who is fighting any form of cancer. You are all fighters and warriors. I wish you all a good revocery. I hope you will all beat this horrible illness. I’m here for you all. We’re all in this together. I think of you all. There’s a light in all this darkness. I hope that many organizations and doctors are going to research more and more and there will be better and more solutions for people suffering from cancer. Healthcare is improving and I’m sure that one day there will be even more and better treatments available. I wish that everyone can have a good treatment and get the help they need and deserve. Everyone deserve to be healthy.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also think life is fragile? Do you also have a family member who has or had cancer? Do you also think we take our health for granted? I wish you lots of strength and love 🙏💕. I’m always here for you if anyone of you need to talk.

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Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina


5 thoughts on “Life is fragile

  1. Death of a young person is always heartbreaking and traumatic… No one is expected to die when they could have so much to experience, so much life ahead of them. Also it’s so difficult to embrace the fact that someone no longer exists. Suddenly there is a gap in the structure of our world. How to explain this to heart and the mind? Someone is gone, but we have vivid memories, we know what someone would like, what they would say. Yet we have to continue without them, with the memories popping up in our minds, it’s impossible to forget. So difficult. And funerals are terrible, yet they are necessary to honor someone in last way. I attended three funerals this year. One of them was of my grandmother, two months ago. Still can’t believe this. Don’t want to think about how other people close to me could vanish. It’s good to have time for mourning and time for joy even so short after someone passing away, otherwise it’s just too difficult to handle.
    Stay strong during the ceremony, sadness is okay though when it will be happening. There will be many emotions of other people as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment beautiful ❤ Yes, it’s very heartbreaking. Life sometimes can be really unfair. This death already made me sad and I don’t know how I would cope if a loved one would die who mean the world to me such as my parents. It’s really hard and that’s life. Death is part of life. I never went to funeral before. Tomorrow I will go to the cremation with my mother and my choir will also sing so I think it will be a beautiful goodbye. I’m sorry for your loss too 🙏💕 I send you my deepest condolences and strength. That thought that we all are going to die one day makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable. You are right. We need both joy and sadness in life. Thank you for your support. Need it 🙏 You are so right. In funerals it’s more accepted to cry than just in general in life.

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