Hey lovelies 💕,
Today is again a day to write about my feelings and thoughts. I will write about how I feel that I can’t live my life because of my parents controlling my life. I just cried so much. I’m back in The Netherlands since almost two weeks. When I’m alone with my mother everything is fine but now we are back in The Netherlands I knew my father would make me again push me to get a job. Here I’m again feeling like there are people controlling my life which increase my anxiety and makes me feel like I can’t follow my dreams because they don’t let me.
My mother is also always talking about how I have to search for a job etc. I’m searching, I really am but everything about searching for a job just gives me so much anxiety. I think they don’t understand it at all. Only the people who are going through this know how much a struggle all of this is and especially having an anxiety disorder makes it all even more complicated and difficult. I’m counting the days down when I will go to Spain again with my mother on the 27th of December. Even though my father booked a flight back in January I don’t want to go back to Holland. I want to live and work in Spain. That’s my dream. It feels like he don’t let me. All my life I’ve done what others expect me to do and I’m so done of that. It still feels like I can’t speak up because I know how he will act and that he would get angry. I’m afraid of speaking up. I always stay quiet and accept everything when it isn’t good for me at all. Two years ago I spoke about this subject with a mental health worker where I went for some therapy sessions and she said that I get so much influence of my family. I need to stop it and it’s just so true.
I love my family but I have to live this life my own way. It’s my life. I’m 25 years old. Yesterday my father already said that he had seen a job for me in Amsterdam of Hema. That’s a nice Dutch brand. That job was for native Spanish and Dutch speakers and was about helping in the customer service section. You would gain at least €1000 each month. Okay, it sounds nice but I’ve to decide if I want to do that job not my father. I just want to search and apply for jobs on my own like I’ve done these months. I got so many calls from a company from Portugal which I never pick up because I’m afraid but maybe I have to pick it up. Maybe, I have to start a life somewhere else. Today my father saw another vacancy which was about working in the international office of the University of Amsterdam. They could pay you like €2000 each month. Yeah, it sounds nice and the working tasks were all the tasks I did on my internship in Valladolid, in Spain last year. Just an hour ago, my father said okay you can make a cv and tomorrow you are going to apply. Just like that. I said yes. I already have my cv but fuck off I don’t want to apply just because he force and push me to apply for this job. I’m now looking into websites which has Dutch companies in Spain. I want to search for a job on my own because I want to not just because my father wants me to do that job. He even said that he would come to my interview. Then maybe I would say a lie like that they didn’t hire me.
I just want that they can all leave my alone. It gives me this feeling of wanting to give up in life because I can’t live my life my way. I always have to do what people except me to do in order to please them all and to never get anyone angry at me. I feel like I can not always do something for myself in my life and that really frustrates me. I also did some things for myself but I feel again that isn’t enough. I went on exchange to Spain because I wanted to. I did my intership last year in Spain because I wanted to. I remember how my father wasn’t positive about applying for the essay contest to get a free trip to New York City and speak at the United Nations. He thought I wouldn’t win and it was in the middle of my studies. I had to focus on my studies and blablabla. Well, I applied two years and I won the second year. So, fuck yeah I’m so proud of myself that I applied and didn’t listen to other people voices 💪. When I won he was happy and proud of me but that’s a bit too late in my eyes. You have to support me from the beginning. My mother always support me and was positive and said that I had a chance to win. I just can’t deal with negative and toxic people.
This weekend I cried so much and I felt so bad 😢. I was also beginning to think like really negative thoughts as that I just want to die and that I’m a failure. I was throwing pillows and was so angry alone in my room. I wanted to hurt myself and escape the pain. I never did self harm and I also won’t do it. I was feeling that I’m not in control with my body and mind. This situation makes me so anxious. I was at a point that I almost got a panic attack as I was breathing fast, crying and my heart was beating also too fast. I’m fed up of feeling this way and living at home. I’m afraid of living on my own and need to work to have money to be able to effort that one day. I just want to do what feels good for me.
I love my family, I really do but making all these dicisions for me isn’t helping me at all. My mother also said it’s for your best. Well, maybe what you think is for my best isn’t for me the best. I’m my own person. I’m not the person you want me to be. Parents sometimes think they can make the perfect daughter or son. I’m so against that. Just let your child be the person they want to be, free of judgment and just be themselves. I’ve always felt supported in life but also in someway not because I’ve always felt afraid of my father character to be angry at me for doing the wrong things or saying the wrong things. I always keep quiet and say yes to everything. I only saw my best friend last Sunday and some of my family and friends from my brother on the wedding party last Saturday in Haarlem. I also saw some people of my choir on the cremation of Lisa last Wednesday. For the rest, I’m only with my parents and it isn’t helping me at all. I need to be with people of my age who understand me and know what I’m going through just like you all.
You know me even better than people who know me in my real life. You know my ugly parts which I don’t show in real life. You know when I struggle and when I feel happy. You know when I feel vulnerable and need to share my thoughts and feelings to feel lighter in my mind. You know how anxiety makes me feel. You know how hard life can be living with a mental illness. You know my flaws and accept me for who I’m. I appreciate that so much. It’s really so special to find such good and understanding people nowadays. Many people live for their own. They seem to not care about others. I’m so happy I found my mental health community and my blogging community who will always be there for me. It really helps me a lot and makes me feel less alone in my struggles. I just wish to meet you all one day 🌍✈.
Tomorrow my father will make me apply for that job even though I don’t know if I want to do that. The money and job description isn’t that bad but on paper I read you have to work there one year. Maybe, you can quit earlier I don’t know. I don’t want to work here in Holland. I want to go to Spain. I also don’t want to apply just because someone force me to apply. It increase my anxiety and I feel again not good. I just don’t know what to do… I feel hopeless that I’m always struggling with this job vs family issue. Maybe, I’m going to see one of my good friends this week which I can always tell about everything and makes me feel less alone with this issue. There are more people struggling with this. It feels good to share your struggles with good friends and also talk about solutions.
Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope I didn’t sound like I wanted to complain and kept repeating myself. I just feel like this issue keeps repeating itselves and it doesn’t make me feel good. What would you do in my situation? Can you relate to not being able to live your life because other people want to control your life? I hope some of you may have some tips in dealing with this as it will help me a lot. Thank you all so much in advance 🙏💕
Much love ❤,