I wish I was normal

Hey lovelies 💕,

This blog post will be just a rambling of thoughts about how I wish to be normal while living with an anxiety disorder. I will share my thoughts and feelings about this. I just need to vent because it always makes my mind feel less heavy. Only on this blog and on my instagram page Sea of words blog I can be myself. I feel I can be 100% real, honest and vulnerable on here. This is my safe space. So thank you all so much for holding space for me to be myself without any filters. This is me with all my messy thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes I wish I was normal. I wish I wasn’t a person who lives with an anxiety disorder. I wish I wasn’t crazy. Maybe, I’m not a crazy person but my anxiety tells me that I’m crazy for constantly worrying about everything in life. Constantly feeling like something bad will happen. Those thoughts makes me overthink and prefer to stay at home then to face people and feel uncomfortable. That’s how I feel most of the time. I wish I was normal to do the every day things in life without feeling constantly anxious or feeling uncapable of doing it. I wish I could live a normal life like normal people do. That’s my wish.

I wish I wasn’t that girl who is so afraid of the dentist, searching for a job and knowing what I want in life. I wish I wasn’t afraid of the unknown, of changes and of people. I wish I wasn’t afraid of looking people in the eyes. I wish I wasn’t that girl who’s afraid of her own shadow. Life is hard but for people with a mental illness it’s even harder. It’s just the truth. Everyone will struggle in their lives but having a mental illness makes everything 100000 times worse. It’s a constant battle with your mind every day. Fighting a war which is inside your head is so exhausting. Everything feels so difficult and heavy. The worst part is that there are still so many people who don’t take these illnesses serious. Even though a mental illness is invisible doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

I wish I could just live a normal life, not being afraid of taking a job, having my life together and maybe have a relationship again. It’s already been almost 6 years since my first love left me. I’ve been feeling so alone all these time. With time it gets better but I still feel pretty lonely. I wish I was normal. Normal people go to school, have jobs and have their life together not like me who is sleeping much or thinking their time away. Normal people have fun and don’t care about what other people think of them. I have all the time negative thoughts of myself like people will laugh about me and judge me. Normal people don’t have such a loud inner critic who tells them all the time how they aren’t worth it and how they aren’t enough.

Normal people aren’t crazy in their mind like me. Who wants to be with someone who’s anxious all the time? Who wants to be with someone who always think of the worst thing? Who wants to be with someone who’s always overthinking? Normal people don’t overthink 24/7 all the time. Normal people go on with their lives when something bad happens even though they can be sad. I’m a highly sensitive person and when something bad happens to me it takes me such a long time to heal from it and go on with life. I can’t just go on with life and pretend nothing has happened. I just can’t. If you take away my sensitivity I wouldn’t be me so that makes me who I’m. I’m still learning to live with it and embrace this. Even though I may suffer more in life I also experience life in a beautiful way. I feel everything so deeply and life is all about feeling your feelings, right?

Having an anxiety disorder doesn’t make me who I’m. I have an anxiety disorder but I’m not anxiety. It isn’t part of my personality even though sometimes I think it’s. It’s an illness. Maybe I’m not that crazy as I think I’m. Maybe, normal people don’t exist and we all are crazy but don’t say it out loud. We all have to go through struggles day by day. Life is beautiful but also so hard for everyone. The best way I can be is to be myself. It’s not that I want to have an anxiety disorder. I didn’t choose for it. I got sick like someone who gets the flu or someone who has cancer.

What’s being normal? If everyone acts in a correct way life would be pretty borring. The people who are standing out from the crowd are mostly the ones who are the most beautiful, amazing and honest people ever. We need authentic people who are brave enough to share their stories, struggles, thoughts and feelings. We are here to feel it all. I wish to also be able to learn to live with my anxiety and be able to cope better in life. I hope I will get better but recovery takes time. My medication as in antidepressants and anti anxiety medication helps me but maybe I have to also try therapy even though it makes me feel anxious too.

I will be my beautiful self even though it might means that I feel different than other people because hey that’s okay. Life is strange too. We are born out of the blue put into this blue planet 🌍 where the sun circles around us 🌞. That’s pure magic. We are the stars from the universe 🌠. We are made out of magic and magic doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be real. Being a mess is okay. I will be that star that shines in the dark times and be there for you all. Let’s be crazy together because life is way too short to be just like a normal person.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all liked this little rambling/story. Could you relate to it? Did you like it? Do you also wish to be like a normal person or do you prefer to be an awesome crazy person? Let me know in the comments. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina


6 thoughts on “I wish I was normal

  1. I hear you. Anxiety is exhausting. I hate I can’t go to the dentist, or the hairdressers, or anywhere really, without a great deal of stress, and worry. There are lots of people though who will want to be with you, anxiety and all. Sometimes it takes a while to find them. But like you said what’s normal? Everyone has their little quirks.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for reading. I feel exactly the same way. There are always good people out there who will be there for you of course. Life is pretty crazy too so it’s all okay. We need to let those judgments go

      Like

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