Hey lovelies 💕,
I wrote this post a few months ago. I wanted to share it now with you all. Today I will talk about one of my biggest fears in life and which is also a real trigger for my anxiety. I hope this blog post will not sound that weird but I just need to write my thoughts and feelings about this subject down here. This is the only safe space where I can just vent knowing that every strange thing I will write about will be accepted haha 😂. I’m going to talk about my fear of death. Fear of death is also named thanatophobia. I know I had/have this my whole life.
Since I’ve been little I’ve always been thinking about life and death. I was always wondering about life. Since I began to realise that we’re all going to die one day I completely paralised. It makes my anxiety disorder worse because every time I begin to think about this I feel so anxious. It’s pretty strange too because when I had a panic attack or felt so anxious I remember times I said to myself: “I just want to die. I can’t live with this intense pain anymore.” The thing is, I don’t want to die because I’m afraid of dying. I’m afraid of life too because of anxiety. It’s a constant circle of thoughts. The thought that we are all going to die and that the sun and just this whole world will stop one day too makes me really feel so anxious.
I remember times I was talking with my best friend about this subject and she said to me that she wouldn’t want to live forever. I also think that it will not be great if you see everyone around you dying and you are the only one who lives forever. Maybe, it’s okay that one day everything stops but still it feels scary and strange. I always thought like okay a person can maybe live 100 years so I was always counting how many years that person still could live before they turn 100. I know maybe this sounds really crazy haha but I always do that 😂. Then I think ohhh this person still can live 50 years for example and I get a bit happier about the fact that he/she still has many years to live.
When I’m getting really deep in my thoughts I also begin to think that this life is precious and fragile. One day you live, the next day you die. You never know when it will happen to you. I begin to think how amazing all those little things in life are as seeing the flowers blossom, listening to your favourite music, hearing the waves of the ocean crashing to the shore, listening to the singing of the birds and so many other things that we often take for granted. The fact that we are a human being that lives and breath on this earth is just a beautiful miracle ✨
I have also always been afraid of growing older because of this fear. I know I have to be happy about growing older because not everyone get that privilege. I know so many times that during my childhood kids would say: “I can’t wait to grow older”. I always thought to myself: “I want to stay this little forever.” Growing older for me also meant being bullied at highschool, my first break up, anxiety disorder and so many other problems in life. I loved being little and careless. Every year my birthday arrives I get anxious and begin to think about my life. One year less to live. I also begin to think about the fact that I’m not living the life I want and still not have achieved the things I dream of. I know I’ve time but it just makes me anxious to think of that time is running out.
The worst part of the fear of death is thinking about loosing my parents one day. I think that’s the worst part of it all. I can already feel the tears in my eyes coming. I’m crying right now. This thought sometimes keeps me up at night and I remember so many times that I was crying about this at night. I remember that I googled it so many times. I just don’t know how I would cope without my mother and father. I love them so much. Maybe, this fear comes also from my teenage years where I almost lost my father. When I was 11 years old my father got accute pancreatis because of taking a medicine for high cholestrol. This was a side effect of that medicine. He had to go through 5 surgeries in 5 years of being ill. Basically, they cut a lot of his organs because he had so many complications during these years. I almost lost my father when I was just 11 years old 😢. A few times he was really in life danger and almost died.
I just remember how I was crying and praying that he would live. This fear of death was so real because I just felt it in all my bones. I’m so happy he survived it. He has now diabetics because they also cut his pancreatis to have no infection anymore. He’s living with that illness and hopefully he will live many more years. He still goes to controls every year. Even though I have a better relationship with my mother because she understand me so well I love them both of course. The thought of loosing my father or mother is just the worst. They are the ones who brought you to life and loosing them will make you feel like you are loosing something of yourself.
The worst thing about it is that I know of course that this will happen one day. Also when I think of loosing my best friends, brothers, family members or other loved ones it makes me so unbelievable sad. I don’t want to live in a world without them. I know I will have to. I never went to a funeral until last year in October. Lisa, a girl from my choir, died from leucemia. I went with my mother to this cremation. It was really a beautiful ceremony. I only saw the closed coffin. I’m glad I conquered this fear and went for the first time in my life. I know I will always have this fear but hopefully it will become better within time.
Maybe, death is also our teacher. After I went to this funeral I begin to think about life. When people die around you it teach you that life is fragile and that you only have one life. “Love the life you live. Live the life you love” as Bob Marley says ❤️. We have to always listen to our hearts and follow our dreams. I long of inspiring people and helping other people in need. I want to make this world a better place to live in. I want to travel the world. I have so many dreams that I want to achieve. This life is beautiful and death is part of it. Life is everything between birth and death. I hope I can let my mind become more still and less anxious about this fear of death. Let us all enjoy life and be happy. That’s what matters the most.
Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also have a fear of death? Can you relate to it? I would love to know your thoughts of this topic in the comment section. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.
Much love 💕,