Hola lovelies 💕,
I wanted to write a more uplifting post today but I feel like I can’t. I cried last night for a few hours and I just have to write it down here. I always have to write about how I’m feeling on that moment because if I don’t do it that moment will pass and I wouldn’t be able to write about it anymore. It wouldn’t feel real anymore. I would never fake how I feel on my blog because then I wouldn’t be honest and authentic on my blog. I always want to be honest in real life and online. This blog post will be about some feelings and thoughts I have lately, why I cried last night, and about reaching our dreams.
So, last night I was just scrolling through Intagram when I saw a picture of one of my best friends with her boyfriend and then I saw something more and was in shock 🤯. I just couldn’t stop crying. My good friend got engaged and didn’t tell me anything. I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend. I was like what?! I felt left out and hurt. Some hours has passed and I still feel that way. I had to cry so much. I’m not jealous of her. I always want the best for everyone and want everyone to be happy. I’m also on my period so I’m even more emotional and sensitive for everything. Even though I’m sometimes in Spain for a few months and then I come back to The Netherlands I always love to keep in contact with my friends and family. When such a good friend doesn’t say such an important thing of their life well I guess it’s normally to feel left out and lonely. I also am afraid or friendship will change. I’m so afraid of loosing people. The break up of my first love makes me extremely afraid of people walking away from my life. Of course, I have to be happy for my friend which I’m but then I began to think negatively about my own life and how far behind I’m with the rest of my friends. I feel like I’m the only one not reaching milestones in life.
You know that moment you are lying in bed and you feel like your whole world is crashing down? Well, that’s what happened last night. It’s not only this news which makes me feel that way. I feel lost for so long in my life. For like two years I feel like I’m just surviving through life instead of living. I can’t move on in life because of anxiety 😔. My mother understand me the best and says I have to go to the doctor for it. I had some talks a few years ago with a social worker and got nauseous every time so yeah I don’t know if that would help. My mother takes valium so sometimes when I’m really anxious I take that from her too and I also have some anti anxiety meds being subscribed from the doctor in Spain. My father is also there for me but I would prefer if I ever ask for help as in therapy do it in Spain. There are really good professionals out there. To be honest I’m also afraid of asking for help and speaking up.
It’s something that I keep repeating and I’m sorry if I write about this much lately like I did in this blog post. It’s just how I feel often. It makes me depressed and anxious to see all people moving on with their lives while I can’t. Many of my friends are in a relationship, are getting jobs and moving in with each other. I feel like I will be the last one to settle down or will not reach anything in life. Do we have to reach some goal in life or is it all just a myth of society to keep us going? It’s not that I want to die even though I really say that a lot to my mother mostly and I also think it a lot. I will never do anything to myself. I would be too scared for that. It’s just and always have been that I’m afraid of death but also of life and therefore I can’t move on in life. It’s so hard. It’s though to feel this way as I don’t know what the solution would be.
What felt good last night was that in those bad moments I always write in the Yoga Girl Community on Facebook. It’s my safe space like this blog 💗🙏. It feels good to know that you aren’t alone with your thoughts and feelings. This all can feel too much and makes me feel so lonely. It makes me feel a bit better to know that there’s someone out there who also is feeling your feelings and maybe even in that moment. It makes it feel less isolating. Being a highly sensitive person is just so overwhelming sometimes. It’s a blessing but sometimes also a curse because every little thing hit me in life. I worry too much, I get anxious fast and I feel every emotion of all the people I love in life. It’s hard to be sensitive in a world where not everyone understands that.
What I’m the most afraid of is thinking that I won’t reach my dreams in life. I’m happy seeing my friends and all the people I love getting married, having babies and doing all the things they love. I just wish I will live the life I dream of too in the future. Yesterday I applied again to a job which is to work for the surf brand O’Neill in a shop in Spain. I just never get any reply back from a job and if I get one then it’s mostly negative. It makes me feel like I want to give up on everything in life. I’m tired. Really. I’m so tired of everything. I’m 26 years, still so young and have my life ahead of me. How can I say that? It’s just how I feel. Feeling anxious about a lot of things and going through life while feeling anxious is really exhausting. I just wish there would be a cure to that. I just also always feel like nothing makes sense if we all die one day. It makes me go in a negative state and it’s hard to let those thoughts go in that moment.
The most inspiring thing of all of this is that YES OF COURSE I HAVE DREAMS ✨. I want to be able to say I went for it and made them all come true. I just don’t know how to begin. I want to write a poetry book and maybe publish it. I want to be able to surf well and surf some waves 🏄♀️🌊. I want to travel the world and go to amazing places like Costa Rica, Hawaii, California and Aruba 🇦🇼 🌴. I want to take singing 🎶 classes or maybe join a choir again. I want to go to the yoga retreat of Yoga Girl in Aruba. I would love to have a house on the beach and see the sea every time I wake up. I just want to live a happy life, do the things I love, be surrounded by the people I love and not feel constantly anxious about everything. Most of all, I just want to heal myself while I heal others in this world 🌍. Is that too much to ask for? I want to be of service in this world and I know that will be the key to contribute to the world while feeling purposeful. Just writing these sentences makes me cry because deep down in my heart I know that I have a purpose. It’s just that I don’t know how to make all these dreams happen and I find it hard to find a specific job in something I love to do. Then I feel overwhelmed and get anxious of all of it and don’t do anything.
One of my best pen pal friends wrote me some lovely messages today and one of them was that I’m being too hard on myself. It’s definitely true and I always have been way too hard on myself. I also sometimes feel that I give more love then I will ever receive in my life which I wrote about in this blog post. I truly believe that there are some people born who give more love than they will ever receive back. I’m also one of them. I’m a giver. I give too much and you can’t go on in life when you are constantly giving and not receiving the same love back. It makes it all so exhausting. I have to be able to set more boundaries.
So back to my question. Will I ever be able to make my big dreams come true? Maybe I will but it all just takes time. It’s also okay if I think of new dreams and throw other dreams in the bin. Life changes constantly and so do we. Experiences change us. Our interest changes within the years through life. We have just this one life. We are all doing the best we can. It’s okay to cry, to be angry and to be happy. My most important lesson of today was that it’s okay to feel. Let it be 💗🙏.
“To love and let go, love and let go, love and let go…it’s the single most important thing we can learn in this lifetime.” – Rachel Brathen
Rachel Brathen also called Yoga Girl which is my biggest inspiration in life wrote a new book which is about loss, gratitude and love. She lost her best friend in a car accident while she was going through surgery for her appendix. It’s a heartbreaking story. I’m ready to heal my heart while reading this book. It will come this week by post. I need it. It’s about all kinds of loss in life.
Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also feel this way? What advice would you give me? How do I feel less lonely and more purposeful in life? How can we all reach our wildest dreams while being fearful and anxious all the time? Let me know lovelies. Your words and advice are always so appreciated 💗🙏. I love you all so much. Thank you for always holding space for me. I will be there for you too. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.
Much love 💕,