Music of October πŸŽΆπŸ’ž

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I know I’m a bit late with this post but doesn’t matter, right?! I’m always late for everything so yeah that’s me πŸ˜‚. It’s never too late to share some good music of the month October. Last month some good Spanish music and other pop music have been released 🎢.

Camila Cabello – Cry for me

Camila Cabello is only releasing so many good songs 😍. I can’t wait for her new album “Romance”. I can’t wait for this beautiful album of songs related to love. I know I will like it as I have been loving all her new songs so much. I think this song is amazing and has such a nice beat.

Camila Cabello – Easy

Always thought I was hard to love till you made it seem so easy, seem so easy

What a beautiful song! πŸ’–πŸ‘Œ This is definitely one of my favs of Camila. I love her sweet voice and the lyrics is so relatable. I also find myself being needy and always overthinking. I think that I’m hard to love as well but it’s just that the right person will love you for who you are. Love has to be tender, easy and not complicated.

Harry Styles – Lights up

Harry Styles is back and I can’t also wait for his album too! This song is wonderful and he is so cute too. His voice is just amazing and only gets better and better. Also off topic, I really miss One Direction. I wish they will come back together one day.

Ed Sheeran ft. Camila Cabello & Cardi B – South of the border

This song was released already in Summer but the video not. I really like it. I also find Camila always so sweet and beautiful in the video. I love to hear her singing in Spanish too. This song has such a good vibe and makes me feel like dancing. It’s just very chill and relaxing.

Duncan Laurence – Love don’t hate it

“There are no boundaries, no limits when it comes to love. It’s the purest thing we have in this world and yet so many people, including myself, have to fight for it every single day”

BEAUTIFUL SONG FROM ONE OF MY FAV ARTISTS YASSSS!!! 😍 If you don’t know who Duncan is you have been living under a cave haha because I wrote so much about him. You can read all about him HERE. Long story short, he represented The Netherlands in Eurovision Song Contest this year and won. I’m still so happy that happened and would love to see it live next year. I also have concert tickets to see Duncan alive in Ziggo Dome Amsterdam in March 2020. He is such a cutie and so handsome. He is touring now through Europe. After Arcade this is his new single. I love it so much. It’s so good. It makes me dance the night away and makes me so happy. His voice is perfect. The quote you can read above is from his Instagram. He is bisexual and sexuality is still a somehow taboo in this society. This is a song about accepting yourself and who you choose to love. I love him so much.

Alfred GarcΓ­a – Londres

Alfred GarcΓ­a already released this song before but finally the video clip came out of this song. Londres is a beautiful song about London and it’s one my favs from Alfred. It’s amazing. I love the vintage vibes ✨. It also make me kinda nostalgic to when I saw the Spanish talent show because he wrote most of his songs of his album in the Academy. I would love to find someone to love like Alfred. I love his creativity, his passion for music and his sensibility. He has struggled with anxiety and depression and I love how open he always is about these topics because it’s so important to share. It can help yourself but also others too.

Melani – Marte (Representing Spain in Eurovision Junior Song Contest)

Melani is 12 years old and represented Spain in The Eurovision Junior Song Contest this year. She sings opera and also pop. It’s such a beautiful song with an important message. It’s about not throwing plastic in the ocean. It’s about climate change and to take care of our planet as we only have one 🌍🌊. Her voice is beautiful. Those high notes are incredible difficult to sing. She sings the song being the ocean itself.

In this video above you can watch Melani singing the song live at Junior Eurovision Song Contest in Poland last Sunday. She did so well and finally after 13 years Spain was back. I’m proud of her third place but I wished she won. I hope Spain will do well next year in the adult Eurovision too.

Melendi – Por encima de la bruma

Melendi is a well known Spanish artist and his songs always have such a beautiful message. I love this song as it’s also very emotional. It’s about women suffering from breath cancer. I wish everyone will get better as it’s a horrible sickness. Right now, I know a little child from 6 years old who is suffering from leucemia. I hope she will get better soon πŸ™. This song is about being brave and transforming fear into love. The money from this song are all donations for the Spanish association for cancer.

Selena Gomez – Lose you to love myself

“We’d always go into it blindly
I needed to lose you to find me
This dance, it was killing me softly
I needed to hate you to love me, yeah

I’m so happy Selena is back! πŸ’ž I have always loved her songs so much. This song is so beautiful and really made me tear up. It reminds me of my first love and how much that heartbreak hurt me. I needed to loose him to find myself again. Even though I’m still struggling from time to time with loving myself, low self esteem and also anxiety I love myself more than years ago. That’s already something to be proud of. Sometimes we have to lose someone we love so much to appreciate the love for ourselves more. At the end, our relationship with ourselves is the most important one we can have. This song is just perfect. She sings so beautifully. I love it. The black and white video fits perfect by this song.

Selena Gomez – Look at her now

“She knows she’ll find love (She knows)
Only if she wants it”

Selena is also releasing her new album in January. Everyone is releasing new albums and I’m not ready for it haha because that means YEAHHH buying concert tickets! I don’t have enough money for all of them. This is the other song she released and I love it. This song makes me feel proud to be a woman who is strong and fierce. All women are beautiful. Girl power!

JP Saxe ft. Julia Michaels – If the world was ending

This song is so beautiful. Anything with Julia Michaels is just perfect. Their voices together fit so perfectly. You can feel the emotion through their singing.

OG3NE – Straight to you

The sisters from the girl group OG3NE just released their new album. They represented The Netherlands a few years ago in Eurovision. They also have won The voice of Holland and Dance, Dance, Dance. I love their voices so much. The harmonies are beautiful. They lost their mother a few years ago because of cancer and I admire their strength to carry on and sing. They are such sweethearts and deserve the best. I wish to go to a concert once. I have already shared some songs of the album which were released before which were “First clash lovers” and “Starve”. Below I will share my three favourites of the whole album.

Og3ne – One world away

“We are stronger when we stand together
We are one world away from love
We gotta chance to make a difference
We got a chance to make it right

In this video they performed this song live. I love this song so much. I also love the lyrics so much. It’s definitely one of my favs. They sound so good together. This song makes me feel powerful and it’s just a feel good song.

Og3ne – You

Wow so beautiful. Their voices together are so magical. This song is wonderful. I could listen to it so many times and not get tired of it. I love this sound as it’s calming to listen to.

Og3ne – The end

Dear friend can you help me
Cause I got so much shit I can’t comprehend
I’m on a cliff so high, staring at the depths so low
And I got no where else to go

I’m looking for a shelter
A place I can run to
So don’t you leave me alone
It’s been a thousand times

That’s I’ve been there too, for you
You never had to ask me though
So this is your turn now
To give whatever I need
It’s not the time to shut the door
I’m so afraid of what could be

They sang this song live during the Summer. I think this song is beautiful and I just had to share the lyrics. It’s so relatable, honest and so pure. It’s important that friends are there for each other when we need it the most. Sometimes I find myself that I care way too much about other people than they care about me so then it was time to ask myself if that was a real friendship. I’m happy I only have authentic and people who care about me in my life right now. I don’t need fake friends. They sang so beautifully. I love their individual voices but when they sing together it’s so amazing πŸ‘ŒπŸ‘.

Thank you all for reading this post full of amazing music 🎡. What was your favourite song from my list? To which song or artist did you listen to in October? To which new album are you most looking forward to? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,



xoxo Christina

We meet everyone for a reason βœ¨

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Good news! ☺️ I feel somehow much better than some weeks ago were I really didn’t see the light at all and felt hopeless in life. It sounds pretty depressing but feeling anxious 24/7, feeling like you can’t breath, being nauseous all the time is really a hell. I hate anxiety so much 😭. It strange that I feel better now here I’m here in Holland because I’m always happier in Spain. To be honest, I never felt so low, depressed and anxious in Spain. I think because I associate it with going to the dentist which I didn’t do. I know it wasn’t a good idea to isolate myself for more than a week at home. In this blog post I will tell you about someone special I met on the airplane ✈️ back to Holland from Spain. I will tell you also some other travel stories. Oh how I love travelling 🌍. It’s the best and on those moments I can distract myself from my anxiety and meet people who really will change my life. I have to document these moments here on my blog because I’m afraid that otherwise I won’t remember them anymore. They are too precious to forget about them. In the moments that I felt so bad I even thought about not blogging anymore for a time but then I thought that would be a loss because that’s what I love to do the most. I have to keep doing the things I love to do or I would feel worse. Everything which brings me positivity is important to do πŸ’«.

So before I talk about the flight of a week ago back to Holland I want to talk about the flight I took in September. I was in Spain πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡Έ during the whole Summer and my mother and I got back to Holland in September. There was this guy sitting next to my mother in the other row who looked very friendly. He was around 36 years old. We had such good talks. He talked about how I could maybe find a job in Holland in a Dutch company and from there find a job in Spain. He said that I didn’t have to be insecure. He was Spanish and was working and living in The Netherlands. He gave me so much inspiration and so much good vibes, just what I needed in that moment. He told me that he was bullied too at school just like me. He told me that I’m a smart girl which can speak three languages: Spanish, English and Dutch and also graduated my studies. I know he is right about that. It’s just that I always feel so insecure and have a low self esteem. I guess that’s because of anxiety too. I never know what to do when people compliment me or say that I’m pretty. I got his FB but now never spoke again to him. I really liked talking to him with my mother.

Then I went again to Spain a few weeks ago with my mother. I was sitting next to a girl from Uruguay. I also have her Instagram now, haha I hope people don’t think I’m desperate to meet new people. This is just me being myself. My mother is also social as I’m. I’m not that girl who loves to isolate herself. It’s what my mental illness does to me. We talked a lot about the world, her country and my countries. We had such a nice talk. I always love to talk to people from different countries as we can learn so much from them.

So a week ago, we travelled back from Spain to Holland. I’ve never been that anxious to travel even though I’m always scared of flying. It’s just because I have felt so low all this time. I took valium many nights to sleep and also a bit for flying. I was just so afraid of having a panic attack and of course that didn’t happen. Most things we fear don’t happen, it’s just our minds which are playing tricks with us. Before we were at the airport we met a lovely woman at the train station. She talked about the political situation in Spain and said she is a journalist. She even gave her number to us and said that whenever we are in Madrid again we can drink something with her. Things like this always remind me of how many good people there are in this world ❀️🌍.

Later at the airport my mother saw a man who she knew from when she was working as a stewardess in a Spanish airline. He was working in the cafe we ordered a salad. What another beautiful coincidence was that I met my lovely Spanish teachers at the gate where I was waiting with my mother to fly to Holland. They came back in the same airplane and were just about to go to a conference. I didn’t see them anymore since I graduated my studies European Studies. I love them all so much πŸ’ž. I really miss that feeling of being a student in my life right now because I feel lost now in the big world. I told them something about being anxious and they told me that I’m a smart girl and that every little step is a step forward. I could also keep networking. I know finding a job in Spain is more difficult than in Holland as there’s more unemployment in Spain and for jobs in the public sector you need to pass a difficult exam which can take years. They still remembered how I spoke at the United Nations and did my internship at the University of Valladolid. We took a selfie and they would show it to another teacher which I also love so much.

Now comes the most important story I wanted to tell from the first place. I hope I didn’t ramble way too much haha πŸ˜‚. A week ago was the best flight I have ever had in my life because of someone special I met. You all know I’m a romantic and highly sensitive girl. I make up so many stories in my mind which is how I imagine the world to be, that rainbow coloured world where people are happy, flowers blossom and the sun is always shining πŸ˜πŸ’πŸŒžπŸŒˆ. That is the world which only exists in movies, books or in my mind. It’s pretty curious because maybe a week before I already dreamt of meeting a boy sitting next to me in the airplane. So I was already nervious thinking who is going to sit next to me at the window seat when a guy was going to sit next to me. We immediately begin to talk with no end. My mother also talked to him and find him very friendly and open.

It was one the most intense, beautiful, honest and inspiring talks I’ve ever had in my life ✨. I have had some really good talks in my life with people I love but with a stranger who you just met in the airplane not. This guy was so lovely, so cute and just so amazing 😍. Can you fall in love at first sight? πŸ’˜ I know I’m always so intense and have to be careful to not get my heart broken again but this connection we had in those few hours was so strong. We looked at each other many times. He listened carefully to what I had to say and me too. We talked about our lifes. He smiled a lot. We laughed a lot and made jokes. It’s in times that I haven’t felt such a strong connection with someone. He is an artist, 33 years old and works and study in the film industry 🎬. He has to travel a lot and goes to film events to present his documentaries. I find all of that so interesting. I love creative people with an open mind.

He loved my bracelets and touched them. We talked about our exes and everything. I’m always so open and sometimes that can be bad but I guess this day it was okay because he was also so open about everything, political view, his life and values. The way he looked at me made me nervous as I really felt such a strong attraction. It’s been so long that I didn’t have felt that. What I also loved about this guy is that he was honest and seemed sensitive. He also reminded me of a friend of me in Spain. He made me feel so calm and so peaceful. When I told him about how my ex wanted that I had to wear high heels because that would make me confident as he said, he said that it was wrong to change someone. He is so right because for me wearing high heels makes me feel unconfident.

Then we also talked about where he came from which is Basque country. I have my Spanish family living there too. We both had long distance relationships. Everything was such a coincidence and we seemed so similar as I’m also creative. He told me about that he also enjoyed surfing and swimming in the ocean. What I loved the most about our talk was when we began to talk about spirituality. I’m so in to that and not all my friends are. Since I’m reading the book “To love and let go” from Yoga Girl, I’m even more into that. I don’t think I believe in all things but I love astrology, the law of attraction and I believe the universe gives us what we want at the moment we need it πŸ™. He was talking about Ayahuasca ceremony. I don’t think I would ever try it as I think it would be dangerous for a person suffering from a mental illness. He told me I could do that but I didn’t told him all about my anxiety. It’s a kind of tea you drink where you go through a spiritual journey. You feel like you are going to die and then at the end you find the light again. I also read that in the book of Yoga Girl. It sounds very intense and it would make me so anxious to be honest.

This guy also told me that he did a tarrot reading. I always was very skeptical of it but somehow I feel like I could believe in it a bit. He told me he was an Emperor and that means that he likes to make feel people safe and make his dreams come true. I told him that once I was told to be a Mediator or helper and he said that fits me well. He is also an aquarius β™’ as zodiac sign and I’m geminis and I know that those zodiac signs are compatible. A friend of him also told him that he could get along well with geminis β™Š. I really like to believe in that.

I just felt so in the moment during this beautiful talk. I wish the flight would never have ended. I always get attached so much to people. I have his number and wrote him a message that it was nice to meet him and sent him some pictures we made. I really do hope we will meet each other again as he lives in Amsterdam until next Summer. He gave me a kiss on the cheek which is a normal Spanish way of greeting and also a hug. I never felt such a strong connection with someone. I do believe we meet all the people in life for a reason. They will teach us something. He texted me back a few days later and said he loved to have met me in the airplane too. He said seldom you find such honest and genuine people like me. He is thankful to have met me and also thanks me for the pictures I sent him. I also sent him a text back a few days later and told him the same. I also said that if he ever wants to meet up he can say that to me. The thing is, I also don’t want to be needy or obsessive as I can be really intense. I learned that from being in a relationship with my first love and other crushes. I do believe that whatever will be, will be. We don’t have to force anything. Anything which is meant to come into your life will come without forcing situations.

This universe is beautiful 🌌✨. This life is beautiful. I’m just so thankful for these special moments as they come in the moments I most need them. It’s like the universe is saying to me that my story isn’t over yet and that I can be happy and that good things will come my way. I really also know that I don’t have to get my hopes up but I just feel this fuzzy and warm feeling in my heart. I’m so thankful for everything. Thank you life for the hard and beautiful lessons. It reminds me that we are all here for a reason. I need to believe more in the universe and let it unfold itself. Stop controlling. Letting life flow. I just feel my heart full of gold right now 🌟.

“I believe in the good things coming πŸ’•”

Thank you all for reading this inspiring and long post. I felt very inspired to write this. What do you think of all of this? Do you believe we meet people for a reason? Are you a spiritual person? Do you believe in love at first sight? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Struggling so much with my mental health πŸ˜’

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I’m always honest and 100% vulnerable about my journey of mental health especially on my blog like I said in this blog post. In real life it’s much more difficult to be open about it because I still feel not everyone understands it. There is still a taboo surrounding mental health. People are getting more open but it will still take a lot of time for people to understand that we can get physically but also mentally ill and that there’s no shame to admit that we are struggling. It takes a lot of courage to be open so that’s what I’m going to do right now in this post. I will tell you how I’m feeling because letting these words out make me at least feel less alone. Even writing all of this takes me too much effort 😒.

So, to be honest I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel so hopeless. I’m not okay. I can’t see any point of living anymore in life. I feel like I’m getting depressed. I’m not in danger because I know I never would do something to harm me. I’m just exhausted to go through life while feeling anxious for everything I have to face all the time. I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. I know maybe asking for help would help. I just don’t know if therapy would really help me because I keep thinking of the time I had some form of therapy, 7 sessions and had to vomit every time and my anxiety even got worse…. I still have anti anxiety medication at home from when I got it subscribed by the doctor in Spain. My mother uses diazepam which she also sometimes can give me when I feel really bad. I know the medication benzodiazepines can be addictive but when you use it whenever you need it I guess it’s okay. I mean why are people always saying those bad and negative stuff about using medication for a mental illness when there are people taking medication for their physical health every day? There has to be no difference in this.

I know I’m doing bad because I don’t leave the house often. I can’t sleep good at night and my routine is a mess. I get anxious outside sometimes seeing so much people. Last week I went to a shopping mall and I got anxious in the bus twice. It felt like I couldn’t breath. I was happy to go outside the bus and walk home with my mother. I’m just always so afraid to get a panic attack because it’s the worst. I don’t want to go through that again. The thing is that the more I worry about that, the more it will likely to happen I think. I’m just so anxious about going to the dentist. I think that’s also now the underlying reason of all my anxiety. I keep postponing it when I have an appointment next month in Spain. I’m the most afraid to loose control and to experience a panic attack. I’m so done with experiencing the waves of anxiety. I’m still struggling with finding a job too as I don’t know how to face people and get only rejections. I just want to hide in my bed under a blanket forever. Unfortunately, I know that can’t happen but I still do it most of the time.

I really don’t know what to do to move forward in my life. I lost my hope and will to live. I’m not in crisis and I know I won’t do anything to harm myself. I just don’t know how to come out of this black hole I’m in. Anxiety keeps me from doing the things I love which means following my dreams. My whole existence cause me anxiety. Sometimes I experience anxiety for no reason. I could sit on a chair watching tv and feel that knot in my stomach and that sense of fear. It’s so hard to live your life that way. People sometimes ask me what gives me anxiety and the answer to that question is everything, this life. Sometimes I think anxiety is part of me but I have to know that I have it and that it’s not part of my personality but sometimes it feels that way.

Last night I experienced one of the worst moments of suffering from anxiety. I felt nauseous and was afraid to throw up. That always cause me even more anxiety because I keep thinking no don’t throw up. I had cold and hot flashes. I felt so bad, so bad. I deactivated FB again as social media only give me more anxiety right now and can’t deal with it. I wrote a message on FB of how I was doing and got some nice caring comments from people I care about but my heart was beating so fast then because I’m afraid to open up to people who know me. Here on this blog it’s different. At the end, I slept in my mother’s bed because there I feel more safe with her. I also took valium 4mg which she also takes. It helpt me feeling more calm and be able to sleep. I could finally sleep 11 hours. I just don’t know how to travel back to Holland in a few days in this state. I’m so afraid to get a panic attack or feel this way because it feels like I’m dying. Of course, I know it isn’t true but it’s just the worst thought. My mother already said how powerful our minds are. It’s so scary to be honest 😒. I wish to buy new funcional brains. If someone knows where to buy them, I will buy them in a quick second even if they have to come from Ebay China lol πŸ˜‚

I’m also a highly sensitive person who suffer from anxiety. It gets harder because I’m already so sensitive for everything. I suffer and cry more but I also love more. I can cry about everything. I get hurt easily when someone says a mean comment. I overthink a lot. I also empathize much more to other people, care about others and love deeper. I’m compassionate and creative. There are a lot of good things I also am but right now I focus too much on the negative things like I can’t do anything right in life.

Yesterday I listened to a podcast of Yoga Girl which was very inspiring and interesting. It was about how this world always value a person when we produce something. If you are working and producing to society you are worthy of love. It feels like we have to be worthy and to be seen when we are succeeding. There is so much wrong in that. I really do wish I could live a life I’m happy of and work in a job which I love but honestly right now I can’t because I’m sick. Capitalism is just so bad. We have to know that we are always worthy of love and that we aren’t alone. We are not what we produce. What matters is not what I do but who I’m. Those words of Yoga Girl sticked in my head and it relates well to this blog post. We are so much more than our jobs, the things we do in life. We are a person with feelings. We are human and we deserve all the love. We are not less than someone else just because we aren’t studying/working because we are physically, mentally or chronically ill. It’s not our fault.

I really wish to get better one day as it’s so exhausting to go through life while feeling anxious all the time. Recovery isn’t lineal and takes a lot of time. I just really don’t like to feel nauseous, dizzy, feeling like I can’t breath or feeling like I have no control over my body and mind. I also believe from what I said earlier that it’s okay to take a break from life. It’s okay to not study/work when you are ill. You deserve to take a rest. Nowadays it seems like being busy is the most important thing in life because of capitalism. It’s all about buying and doing when we just forget to live, to be still and present with our feelings and thoughts.

Always remember, we aren’t alone. We are all in this together. No matter how though life gets we will get through the other end. We will see the light after all the darkness. One step at a time.

Thank you all for reading this honest post about how I’m doing right now 😒. It took me a lot of courage to write this post. What would you advice me to do? What do you do in hard times? How are you feeling right now? I’m always here for you all. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina

October favourites 🍁

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

It’s already time for October favourites. This year is almost over. It always scares me how fast time is going because I always feel like I’m not living the life I want. It makes me anxious. I’m glad that at least I enjoyed some nice things in October such as going to the swimming pool with my brother, mother and lovely niece, having fun with my best friend, buying Christmas cards and receiving the book “To love and let go” πŸ’—.

Things I did with my family πŸ‘ͺ:

Going to the swimming pool 🏊

I went to the swimming pool with my brother, mother and my little niece who’s right now 4 years old πŸ‘§. I have always loved this swimming pool so much. I love the slide which is 60m. It has a side where you can go a bit outside. There are also jacuzzis and there’s another big swimming pool. Swimming is just the best thing ever 🏊 It always makes me feel so relaxed, inspired and happy afterwards. I want to go more often. Doing sports is so good for our physical and mental health. I went down the slide with my niece alone and we had loads of fun.

I even made a friend after swimming which was a girl from Syria πŸ‡ΈπŸ‡Ύ. I love to meet people from other countries, religions or nationalities. I believe that the diversity of the world is what makes this world a beautiful place to live in 🌍. Hearing her talk made me emotional. I also talked about the war which is going on there. I find it hard to talk about it because I can definitely feel how hard it must be to leave your country and live in another one where you don’t speak the language. In two years she learned Dutch, has her driving license, just got her swimming diploma and is studying. This made me feel bad too because sometimes I take too many things for granted in life such as my home, my freedom, food, water and all the things we have and so many others in this world don’t have.

Having delicious fondue with the family 🍽️

I had a delicious night of fondue with my brother, his wife and my parents the weekend before me and my mother were off to Spain. We ate delicious food such as potatoes with different sauces and vanilla ice cream with fruits πŸ˜‹. It’s always a tradition to have fondue like you can read in my posts.

Buying Sinterklaas presents 🎁

I bought presents for the feast Sinterklaas which we celebrate the 6th of December with my family. The official date of this feast is the 5th of December. It’s a celebration like Santa Claus πŸŽ‰. They say he comes from Spain to deliver presents. I wanted to buy almost all presents because I will spend most of November in Spain. Some Dutch families make surprises but we just buy presents for each other. I love to give and receive presents! I already wrapped all presents too.

Making a wish list for Sinterklaas πŸ“ƒ

I love to make lists and especially wish lists haha πŸ’–. I always make them for Sinterklaas, Christmas, The Three Kings Day and my birthday. I just update them every now and then. This year I ask for loads of nice books such as from Holly Bourne, of course nice stationery, yogi tea, book paper lovers from Flow and the calendar from Flow. Flow is such a nice Dutch magazine which makes loads of amazing and creative stuff. I also always want an advent calendar. I love to eat a chocolate 🍫 a day until Christmas.

Autumn in the park πŸπŸ‚πŸƒ

I enjoyed a nice walk in the park with my mother. I’m a Summer girl but I love the beautiful leaves in Autumn. The park was beautiful and we made some nice pictures. Afterwards, we went to the restaurant in the park and drank a delicious mint tea 🍡 with some cookies πŸͺ.

Trip to Spain ✈️πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡Έ

I’m in Spain right now since a week. I’m always happy to be in Spain but I also know that my body stays with me wherever I go so I have anxiety also wherever I go. I used to think that if I travel somewhere else, I would feel better. There’s some sunshine here which makes life a bit better. I’m also happy to see my friends in Spain, eat delicious food and have fun. I also know that I still have to go to the dentist which makes me so anxious but I hope to overcome this fear soon. To be honest, I’m struggling a lot with anxiety now 😒.

Buying Christmas cards πŸŽ„πŸŽ…

I already bought Christmas stuff such as washi tape, a silver and golden pen, stickers and Christmas cards because I want to begin writing Christmas cards in Spain. Maybe I’m also sending them from Spain. It’s better to do it earlier because otherwise I get stressed as December is always a busy month. It’s better to have it done already because this year I will write 30 cards, every year less than the year before because not everyone writes me back. I love to write them but the fun is also to get a card back πŸ’Œ.

Buying new stationery and bath products πŸ›€

When I went one day to the shopping mall near to my house with my mamita I bought loads of nice stationery. I bought a set of 20 cards with different designs. I love the blue, pink and purple colours and the quotes on it πŸ’™πŸ’œ. I also bought new washi tapes. I bought loads of bath products too which includes a blue mermaid bath bomb and bath salt with mixed flower petals and grapefruit scent. For the trip to Spain I bought nail polish remover pads πŸ’…, coconut body cream which I love so much as it smells so good, my favourite dry shampoo Batiste cherry and eye make-up remover oil pads from the Hema.

Things I did with my lovely friends πŸ’–:

Eating delicious food with my bestie πŸ½οΈπŸ’—

π‘¬π’—π’†π’“π’š π’ƒπ’π’π’π’…π’Šπ’† 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅𝒔 𝒂 π’ƒπ’“π’π’˜π’π’Šπ’† π’ƒπ’š 𝒉𝒆𝒓 π’”π’Šπ’…π’† πŸ’—

I’m so happy I saw my bestie again after 4 months twice. It’s always good to see my best friend 😍 I loved eating at Bagels and Beans as it’s one of my fav places. I had such a delicious bagel with avocado, salad, tomato, cheese and drank a mint tea. It doesn’t matter how long we don’t see each other because our friendship never changes. You know when the friendship is real, deep and honest when everything stays the same when you see each other again after a long time. I’m so so so thankful to have you in my life. I will be always there for you. Even writing this makes me emotional. We are both a highly sensitive person forever haha πŸ’— Thank you for guiding me through life. Thank you for being the light πŸ’‘ in the dark times. Thank you for being my best friend who is always there for me when I need it. Thank you for our real talks about politics, mental health, feminism, life, death, music, books, and just anything.

We all need a little help from our friends and it’s just so true. Being surrounded by good people make you feel less alone in your struggles. The moment I share something and I hear you or another loved one say me too I feel a bit better. We are never alone. We are all walking this life together. As long as I have you by my side I will be okay. 11 year friends. Forever besties. I love you so much, to infinity and beyond, to the moon and back πŸ’•πŸ’πŸ’–πŸŒœπŸŒ›πŸŒπŸŒ•

The second time we saw each other we went to La Place in the shop Hudson Bay which is a restaurant where you can see whole Haarlem. We ate a delicious tomato soup 🍜 with some cheese. We had some good talks, laughed a lot and afterwards we did some shopping. I bought some nice cards with quotes and some stickers. I’m going to miss this shop when it’s going away only for the stationery hahah. We also went to see her brother, his wife and parents because they were celebrating her brother’s birthday πŸŽ‚πŸŽ‰. I loved to see them all as I’m just one of the family. It’s nice to feel so connected and so loved.

Receiving beautiful pen pal letters πŸ–‹οΈ

I received some beautiful mail from my lovely pen pals. I received beautiful mail from Sophia which inluded some awesome unicorn writing paper and envelopes. I also loved your notes and stickers. The letter from Mollie was also amazing. I loved the goodies especially the whale card and the sticky notes. Thank you Vikki for your amazing mail too. I loved the friendship card, the other cards with quotes, the unicorn key ring and the feather sticky notes. I love all my pen pals so much. Writing is healing and makes me so happy 😍.

Other amazing things of October 🍁:

Receiving the book “To love and let go” by Rachel Brathen πŸ“–πŸ’ž

I finally received the book “To love and let go” by Yoga Girl. She’s my biggest inspiration in life 😍. I also wrote about her and her book in this post. I’m in the middle of this book and I already cried so much. It’s so heartbreaking, so beautiful and so real. In this book she wrote about how she lost her best friend, the divorce she suffered from her parents and the suicide attempts from her mother. She writes about loss, gratitude and love. This book is one of my favourite books ever now. I can’t wait to meet Rachel one day and go on a yoga retreat. Thank you so much for being the light in this sometimes dark world πŸ™πŸŒβœ¨. We need it. I’m so thankful for the Yoga Girl community where I met so many amazing people which I also hope to meet soon. It’s so important to hold space for others to feel our feelings. That’s exactly what this book is about. Feel our feelings, the good and the bad. Go through the dark times in life and eventually you will find the light.

Blas CantΓ³ is going to represent Spain for Eurovision Song Contest 2020 πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡ΈπŸŽ™οΈ

I was very happy to hear that Blas CantΓ³ is going to represent Spain in Eurovision in Rotterdam, The Netherlands next year. I hope to be able to see it live because it cost a lot of money but it’s been 44 years that Eurovision comes to The Netherlands. It’s a one in a lifetime experience πŸ‡³πŸ‡±. It would be great to see Spain winning in The Netherlands haha. Blas CantΓ³ is a very popular singer here and famous for his song “Γ‰l no soy no”. His voice is beautiful and I’m sure he will do really good in Eurovision.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all liked it. What kinds of fun things did you do in October? What are your favourites from my post? Did you like the new stationery I bought? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Being vulnerable and honest is what matters most in life πŸ’–βœ¨

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I’m going to talk about my feelings and thoughts about being real and vulnerable. I will also show you that crying is okay and that it’s okay to feel all our feelings, the bad and the positive ones. It takes a lot of courage to be myself in a world where you are constantly being judged for being yourself. At the end, what’s most important in life is to be real with ourselves and with others. Only then we can have great relationships in our lives πŸ’–.

I’m always 100% myself on here, on my IG for my blog or in the communities such as the Yoga Girl Community I’m in. Being myself means sharing the good and bad in life. It’s about being raw, vulnerable and sensitive. Nowadays we live in a world where it’s better to hide our emotions and fake it until we make it. I’m so not into that. I’m loosing friends every year and thinking of that now, I’m happy about it. If people don’t align with me, respect me and care about me, why would I want to be friends with that person? Why invest so much time in people who aren’t worth our time? Our time is precious in life so better invest that in people who give you good vibes, love you for being yourself and who really care about you.

This is also a reason why I deactivated my Facebook account since a few days. I feel like social media does more wrong than good. I compare my life to others way too much. Then I begin to feel even more anxious. It’s also not good for my mental health. Maybe, I will activate it again one day. I just think I have to spend less time there because I don’t like all the fake people I see. There are even people I follow on social media who used to be friends with me and are showing their perfect lives which involves their travels, jobs and family life. I just can’t stand it. I’m not a person who’s jealous of that but it just makes me feel bad about myself. It always feels like the grass is greener on the other side. It’s like I don’t have my life together and seeing all those posts only increase my feeling of anxiety. I hope you all understand what I’m trying try to say.

People are just so fake in general. I know it isn’t attractive to see someone crying on a picture or reading about the though stuff in life like loosing someone we love, someone getting sick or any other tragic news. It’s just really necessary to show also the bad stuff in life because only then we can connect with others in a real way and feel less alone in our struggles. Of course, I don’t mean to only write about negative stuff and watch all the negative news which we are constantly being drowned by. I just mean that it’s important being real about our feelings and thoughts in life. I really can see how I and all the othee people struggling with their mental health or anything else in life can feel worse when people don’t talk about their struggles and only show the good in life. It makes us feel even more isolated.

Whenever I see those perfect feeds online I also feel like I don’t try hard enough in life to reach my goals. I feel like people don’t show often how hard it was to accomplish something in their life like getting that job you dreamt of, achieving other things in life such as finishing college or high school. Why do we not show more the journey to reach a certain goal? I think that could let us know that everything we want in life doesn’t come easy and that doing our best is more than enough. It will inspire us instead of making ourselves feel bad. I’m still applying for jobs in Spain and get a lot of rejections. It makes me feel demotivated. I feel like I won’t ever get a job I love because anxiety gets in the way. Today I applied again for a job to work online from home in Spain. I hope I will hear one day something positive about it πŸ€žπŸ€ I definitely know that it would make us feel better if we see how hard it is to reach things in life. Nobody talks about how hard it is to find a job when you are mentally ill. That makes me only feel more shameful when I didn’t choose to suffer from anxiety on the first place.

I also still struggle with going to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth pulled out. I need to do it one by one but I just feel exhausted by the thought of it. Anxiety makes me feel so exhausted in life πŸ˜”. I feel exhausted to through to those waves of anxiety again so I don’t do anything about it which also isn’t okay. Maybe, I need to ask for help but I also still don’t know if therapy would help or I’m just fooling myself and telling myself that story. Maybe, I’m just anxious about going through all of that and I think I deserve no help or healing. In the midst of all of this, I wanted to apply for a singing casting for a talent show in Spain. I don’t think I’m doing it because it cost me money to go to Madrid. However, maybe I will apply for another singing casting here in Valladolid 🎢🎀. This also makes me anxious but I also love to sing. It’s one of my biggest passions in life. You have to send some voice notes and if you pass, you will have a real life audition. This audition is to be able to sing in a women’s choir. I miss singing in a choir. I sang 11 years in a choir in The Netherlands. The only thing is that I’m not living in Spain right now so maybe it doesn’t make sense to apply. If I would get a job I could stay here.

What I also wanted to say is that anxiety is a real illness as well as other mental illnesses or invisible illnesses. With these pictures below I want to show you all how it looks like to suffer from anxiety. It takes a lot of courage for me to show you this side but I feel the need to be real in the most vulnerable way. It’s okay to cry and not be okay. There has to be no shame of that. You can see me smiling on the first picture. I was happy that day but there could be also times when I’m smiling but feel anxious. On the second picture I was crying and feeling anxious which was last weekend because I feel again pressure to get a job I don’t want because of my family. At the end, we have to decide what’s best for us. Anyone can give us an advice but only we know what our heart wants.

You see that you can never judge someone just based on how they look like. Someone can be smiling but feeling bad. We don’t know the struggles someone is facing so we always have to be kind. Someone can hide a lot behind a smile. Mental illnesses and other invisible illnesses are real. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t true. I wish people would understand that better or at least try to show some empathy and compassion. That’s what I need, you need and the whole world needs right now. We need to able to feel our feelings, show them and then eventually we can let them go. I’m blessed to have my family, friends both online and in real life who care about me. I’m so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You all mean the world to me πŸ’žπŸ™

You are not alone.
You are so loved.
You are allowed to feel your feelings.
You are allowed to cry.
You are allowed to be angry.
You are allowed to take up space in this universe.

You don’t have to do this alone. If we all look after each other we could definitely make this a better world to live in. We would feel less alone in our struggles, pain and though times in life. Let’s walk this journey together, step by side, side to side. We are all in this together.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I love to be real always. Do you find it hard to be real about your feelings in this fake world? How does social media make you feel? Any advice of the things I shared related to anxiety, the singing castings or the search for a job? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina