I’m so done people making choices for me

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I prepared another blog post but I think it has to wait. I really need to share my feelings and thoughts and I can only do it here in my safe space πŸ™. I’m in Spain right now and again I feel so bad. It feels like every time I’m in Spain now I get a mental breakdown 😒. It’s horrible because it’s my fav place ever and I’m always so happy to be here. It’s heartbreaking that I’m again so sad, so anxious and so angry. I don’t want to feel bad in Spain again. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. It’s about people making choices for me. I’m sorry if this post is depressing but it’s just how I’m feeling. It’s also always when I feel the worst that I can speak the truth out loud in an authentic and vulnerable way. Maybe it will help others too who are feeling the same way. At the end, we all feel the same things just at different times. The picture below is me crying so hard. I just want to be really honest about that. Maybe it’s a cry of help but it just feels good to share on here.

The flight went well except that we had to walk so much because our luggage was in a different terminal. I’m exhausted from the trip to be honest. We ate some delicious pasta from the airplane, a bread with jamΓ³n serrano and I ate some delicious πŸ˜‹ yoghurt ice cream with smarties. We took the train to our home from Madrid. The bad stuff began when we talked with my family in The Netherlands.

I had an appointment for going to the dentist a few days ago in the afternoon and my mother in the morning for control. My family didn’t forget that and my mother said I wasn’t going that day but another day. I’m really exhausted. Then my family said well if you don’t go and come back to Holland then I will make an appointment to go there in the hospital. In Holland you can’t just go to a clinic or private thing because they aren’t specialized with getting wisdom teeth out. It cost more and you have to go to the hospital πŸ₯. The hospital makes me even more scared.

I said okay and we hang up. It was then when I felt so angry, anxious and sad. I can still feel my heart beating so fast πŸ˜’πŸ˜” I told my mother the most horrible things like I want to be dead. I wanted to run away and never come back. I slammed the doors so hard. Thank God nothing broke. I still feel bad. It’s not only the dentist thing which triggers me. It’s always people making decisions and choices for me in my life. Saying when I have to go to the dentist. Having to do things I don’t want to. I often do it because I’m a people pleaser. It’s not good. I’m so done with it. I’m always anxious of people being angry at me.

I don’t have the energy anymore. I really don’t. Yes of course I know I have to go to the dentist but just when I feel ready for it which is of course never because it’s a real phobia. I’m waiting for an infection silly me…. 😒. I know our family wants the best for us but not in a good way sometimes. You can’t just force someone. I just would like to feel that sense of having some control over my life. Now I feel that others control my life. I feel obligated to go. It isn’t healthy for me that lack of control over my own life. It’s draining me.

Also clearly some people doesn’t understand my anxiety or any other mental illnesses. It’s so hard to feel so many feelings when someone just don’t understand you. I now I have to calm down but I feel like I don’t want to speak to anyone anymore. I don’t want to see anyone. How can I live my own life when I still feel others have so much influence on me? A few years ago I went to a mental health worker for anxiety and she told me that some people have too much influence on me. I really do love them all but I think she’s right because I just feel like I can’t make my own decisions which at the end makes me so unhappy and anxious in life. It’s important to be able to make your own decisions and live life the way you want.

I know I really have to go to the dentist but it’s just a big phobia I have. I don’t know how to overcome it. At the end all worries are in our mind and it’s nothing like I expect it. Then some people will say you see, you were afraid of nothing. Well, yes but that’s because I suffer from anxiety. That’s also the reason I don’t know if therapy would work for me because my family isn’t in favor of that. I also don’t know if that would benefit me. I just know that after 26 years living on this earth 🌎 it’s time for me to make decisions on my own.

Maybe, I also overreact now much more because I’m so exhausted and didn’t sleep well and enough last night. I also feel so lonely lately. I feel like some friends don’t understand me as well and ignore me. I get angry so easily. I’m not doing okay again and it hurts. I don’t want to see people who don’t care about me. I feel also like I’m hurting my mom which is the one I love the most in this life. It breaks my heart to see her suffering because of me πŸ’”πŸ˜’. I don’t want to die of course but I also don’t want to feel like this and live life this way because it hurts me.

Thank you for reading this post. I hope it made any sense. Sorry for the rant. I don’t even know why I’m always apologizing for feeling my feelings. I’m here for you all too ❀️ What do you think of all of this? Any advice? Do you also feel like others decide decisions for you in your life? I would really appreciate any thoughts, messages or advice πŸ’–πŸ™.

Love you all so much πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina


10 thoughts on “I’m so done people making choices for me

  1. It’s very hard when other people are trying to make your decisions for you, and I can see why what your family said would be really upsetting.

    I think you’re right that you’ll never feel ready to go to the dentist, so maybe it would be a good idea to come up with a plan to prepare an appointment. Like maybe schedule some fun or relaxing things in the days leading up to an appointment, then the night before take some sedating medication, then the morning of take some more sedating medication and painkillers, or something like that. Then once you’re got your plan, book an appointment and move forward with it. I agree that it should be completely under your control without being forced by anybody.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your lovely words πŸ’•. Yes, I don’t like people pushing me. I know I have to face things I fear but this only increases my anxiety.

      Yes haha I never want to go πŸ˜‚ Before I die I will go no just kidding. You are so damn right beautiful. You gave me so much great advice. I will of course use valium which my mother also takes when she go. She also don’t like to go. I’m glad I’m not the only one with this fear. Thank you for being there for me and understanding me. Sending you all my love πŸ™β€οΈ

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dentists give me a lot of anxiety too and I’ve cried at the dentist before. I find that it also depends on the dentist and location. Some places don’t bother me as much so I go there instead which is NOT the place my mom goes to. Having no energy sucks. However, doing nothing is more energy draining than doing something. It could be a small something but something is better than doing nothing.

    I don’t like it when people tell me what to do either. It’s aggravating. It sounds like you may have said the things you did out of frustration. I say mean things to people when I’m angry or agitated. When I’m in this state I need my own space and can’t deal with people.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your lovely words πŸ’ž I also cry at the dentist because it makes me feel so anxious and also so uncomfortable. It’s one of my phobias. I’m afraid to have a panic attack while they get rid of my wisdom teeth. I know that most things we fear do not happen but I’m still so anxious about it. Yes that’s so true. The dentist here in Spain is lovely and understanding. You are so right. I’m here for you too πŸ’–πŸ’ͺ We are in this together.

      It only cause me more anxiety too. I’m happy you understands me. I also don’t mean the things I say when I’m angry. I can understand you as well.

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  3. Aww sweetie 😒β™₯οΈπŸ’” Never apologise for ranting.. it’s always better to get out the anger you are feeling…when I was younger my elder sister and family used to try and make decisions for me…they used to tell me how to dress and how to do things..like my mum when I say I want to have a different change in career..she’ll be like oh you’ll get bored of it…and I’m like how do you know…and I make my own decisions…she’s like oh okay alright you’re 38 it’s up to you.. I’m like yeah it is..and I stand my ground.. I suppose it’s easier said than done for me..that’s where I can be a hell of a lot stronger…that’s what you need to do..lovely but I suppose you’re parents just want what’s best for you!!! β™₯️ What would you love to do what are your goals and dreams for the future..do you keep a journal..don’t let your anxiety win..my darling. I know it’s hard..but try and stay focused…πŸ’• ..nobody can make you do anything you don’t want too..tell you parents your fears and be honest..don’t give up ✌🏼 Sorry for the long conversation…but I really understand you anxiety that to me is obviously what’s causing the anger and fear…take care …πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely for your sweet words and for your endless support πŸ’– I will be there for you too. You are right. It’s okay to share our feelings. I can understand you how that made you feel. It’s never good when others make decisions for us. It feels like a loose of control in our own lives. We have to make choices for our own and deserve that right. I don’t want to be unhappy. I know the people we love want the best for us but we also have a right to decide for our own. Yes anxiety is a monster and can keep me up all day, all night. Thank you for your understanding. Love you πŸ’‹

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Never apologise for how you’re feeling and for sharing that with us – you have no idea how many people it helps. I’m sorry that this is happening to you, I feel the same when other people speak / make decisions for me or act like they know what I do or don’t want / need. Nothing makes me angrier! I always think a nurturing attitude is the best way – coach people and be a little kinder and eventually they’ll come around to the idea. You have to help them to take baby steps and not plunge them in straight at the deep end. Love you .xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awhhh thank you so much beautiful πŸ’– You are so right. It’s okay to feel a lot. It makes us human. We know what’s good for us even though sometimes people want to help us. Sometimes that’s okay but it can also pressure us which isn’t okay at the end. We know ourselves the best. Thank you for your lovely words and advice. I totally agree with you. We don’t have to start a fight with those people but can just talk normally about our needs. Thank you for always being there for me. Love you loads πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

      Liked by 1 person

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