I just want to be truly happy

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I need to write some thoughts I have lately on my mind down here. I always am 100% honest and vulnerable because this is my safe space. I’m so thankful for all your support and for all of you being there for me πŸ™πŸ’–. It means the most to me. Right now, I just don’t feel okay. It’s not like that I feel really bad but I’m also not feeling really good. It’s a strange feeling. I also have headaches and can’t wait to soak up some sunshine 🌞 when I will go again to Spain in two months. This grey and rainy weather affects my mood and mental health so much 😒. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. I hope I’m not the only one feeling this way.

I feel lonely lately because I don’t leave the house much and if I leave the house I just go to the park or go shopping with my mother. I don’t see my friends a lot 😒. I feel isolated and bored. They are all busy. I just see some friends here or in Spain a few times in a month. Sometimes I feel I do all the effort in friendship/relationships. I’m so done with that because I can’t do that anymore. I’m a highly sensitive person and all my life I have felt that I love and do more for others than people do for me. I’m the helper. I’m the fixer. It’s nice to help others but I also would love that people do the same for me. Of course, I’m so thankful for my family especially my mother and my good friends in real life and online who are always there for me πŸ’–πŸ™Œ.

I just wish to meet more people in real life too. I want to share my struggles and open up. I love to do it here online but sharing your stuff with a person face to face is the most vulnerable thing ever. It’s so good to do that and I really miss that right now in my life πŸ˜”. I love my pen pals, blogging friends and friends I know from the Yoga Girl community but those are all people living far away from me. I really would love to be able to teletransport myself so that we could be together having fun and talking about real life topics. I know one day that dream will become true even though it may cost some time πŸ™βœ¨.

I also just feel like I’m just floating or trying to survive in life. I feel lost for so many years already and I just can’t see how to go out of that space. Lately I feel bored, uninspired and so tired about everything. I’m happy I faced my fear of going to the dentist last month in Spain but I still need to get three wisdom teeth out 🦷. I still need to face that fear three times more. I still need to get a job which just doesn’t seem to go well with me. I thought of maybe teaching kids English or Spanish. Life just feels like a never ending struggle. As I’m reading right now Looking for Alaska I feel that kind of struggle. It’s hard to feel it and to be in this space.

I also know that what I want from life is just to be truly happy. I want to be happy with myself. I have spend so many years being my own enemy that I’m done with it. It’s just to hard to heal in that way because whenever I feel anxious I doubt myself and say the worst things about myself. My inner-critic becomes loud and says that I’m not worth it, that I’m lazy for not having a job, that I’m not loved by anyone and that eventually everyone will leave me. This of course only makes me feel worse. Being bullied in high school caused me to have anxiety and these kinds of thoughts too. I have to listen more to my inner-bestfriend who tells me that I’m loved, worth it and that my worth has nothing to do whether I’m productive or not.

I also feel like I wouldn’t be happy with a 9 to 5 life or a routine. I feel like I would feel bored in one second. I want more out of life. I love adventure, travelling and meeting people which is sometimes a contrast of me having anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t form part of my personality even though sometimes I think it does because that voice gets so loud. The thing is that I have so many dreams but just never know how to make them happen because of insecurities, anxiety and just have no clue to make it all work. I would love to write a book πŸ“πŸ“–, travel the world 🌍, be able to surf the waves πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠ and sometimes I even thought of being a singer. However, then I thought oh no that’s nothing for me because I don’t like attention. I don’t know if I would be happy if I would be famous.

Sometimes I love to isolate myself, hide myself, do yoga or meditation and just read books, write for my blog and write letters to my friends. There are also days that I like to go out, go to concerts with my friends and just have fun. I can be all of those things and don’t have to choose between one of another. I just wish I could really speak up more in real life and let myself seen. I have still a hard time doing that. I know it will make me happier in the long term.

Maybe we all know nothing of life and we are just trying to look like we have our life together when we don’t. Social media doesn’t give you a real view of what real life is. Sometimes I think of deleting it all as I tend to compare myself to others so much which ends up in feeling depressed and anxious of not having achieved certain milestones in life such as having a job, being married, having children and owning a car and a home. Then I always think to myself, is that what life is about? When you have all of that you are suppose to be “happy”. I really don’t know if all of that would make me happy to be honest.

Life for me is all about experiences, travels and connecting with wonderful people. I think what we miss right now in this society is trully being connected with someone and sharing our feelings. What I need right now is to be able to share my feelings and thoughts with someone. We all need to be able to laugh, cry, get a hug and have a real life connection. With the rise of social media this lack of connection is becoming a more serious issue. I love blogging and I love writing letters because the connection with someone is much stronger than writing a stupid whatsapp message. The next best thing is of course seeing that person. Maybe, that’s why I feel lonely too this month. I just wish that I can find my own happiness in life and achieve my dreams 🌠. We all deserve to be happy. Anxiety will never win. I have to believe in myself more and know that I will achieve my dreams. Thank you all for always being there for me because really that means the most to me. One day I will give you the biggest hug ever. I love you all so much πŸ˜πŸ€—πŸ’ž.

Thank you all for reading my blog post. I hope you liked it and it inspired you in some way. Do you also feel lost in life sometimes? How do you deal with it? Do you miss connection in your life too? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

16 thoughts on “I just want to be truly happy

    1. As someone who has tried Meetup.com, I’ve had a good experience with this app so far. I’ve even attended a few writing meetups through Meetup. It’s a good way to meet new people and socialize without feeling obligated to commit to anything.

      Liked by 3 people

    2. Oh yeah I think I signed up one time but I didn’t do anything with it. I think it would be great 😊 Much better that than dating lol yikes πŸ˜‚. Even though I get anxious of groups but I will see. Thank you for the tip Ashley and also Hilary πŸ’– Writing groups sound awesome!!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Very beautiful post. Thank you for being so vulnerable.

    I understand what you mean about wanting to share your feelings face-to-face. Have you looked up if there are any depression and/ or anxiety support groups around you? I am sure there are some. Try googling and see what you come up with. After my experience at the psych clinic, I can tell you honestly that it feels so good to say “Hey guys. I am not okay. This is what I am going through.” People will listen and help. Trust me.

    How are you finding “Looking For Alaska?” It is on my ‘To Read’ list. I think I will hopefully get it after I read the book I am currently reading. It is so funny that you are reading a book and relating to it so much. I read a book about depression during my stay at the psych clinic. I cried when I finished it. I still think about it to this day and I do not think I will ever forget it. These books are powerful and they show you that you are not alone. The author of “Looking For Alaska,” John Green, was also bullied in high school. He also went through what we are all going through and when he got older he used all his experiences to write his books. You can do the same thing too. You can write a book. I believe in you.

    Being a celebrity does come at a price, and a lot of them ill tell you that sometimes it can be so depressing, but it does get better. Take Billie Eilish for example. In an interview at the end of last year, she revealed that although her popularity blew up in 2018 and she was doing well musically, she was so sad and bleak and depressed, and she felt like she did not want to be famous anymore. Look at her now. She has said she is much happier and has learnt to deal with it. She finds the friendships and relationships that keep her grounded and loved, especially with her brother Finneas. They make music together and they do everything together, and they will do anything for each other. We have to find these relationships and friendships that will help us live better lives. You can find them. I know you can.

    I think taking a break from social media will do you some good. I do it from time to time and it helps clear my mind. I also go on long walks around my neighbourhood, especially at night. I love the night sky and the breeze. I think I will take one tonight, haha.

    You will be okay, Christina. Thinking of you always xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel like happiness is fleeting. It is impossible to feel happy all of the time, every single day. Is it happiness that you seek or fulfillment that you are looking for? I feel like many of us are struggling to find fulfillment (including myself), but I feel like we would truly feel happier and content with life once we are able to find it. πŸ™πŸ’•

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so right lovely πŸ’– Thank you for reading. Happiness isn’t constant. Life has ups and downs. You have me thinking right now. I I think deep down it’s fulfillment which at the end will make me happy. I hope to able to live a life which makes me feel purposeful and I hope to find a career in that path too. You aren’t alone my friend. We will find our way 😘

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is a truly a beautiful post…don’t let anything try and stop you my lovely 😊 you are still so young…If you love teaching.. try a few online courses, I know sometimes our anxieties, take control which is horrible..I understand…but don’t let it take hold of you, your strong.. start some writing techniques…try a creative class… for beginners, that’s what helps me with my poetry… I’m taking creative writing classes at the moment, and I love it…so that can help you more with wanting to write a book..if you love writing..I know I making sound easy due to your anxious feelings and emotions… but take one step forward at a time..and you will get there..πŸ’—πŸ’— remember sweetie your the one who is in control of yourself β™₯️😘 not anxiety!!! If you need a chat anytime, just drop me an email…πŸ’— take care…hunny..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much beautiful Kim for being there for me and taking your time to listen to my words πŸ’–. I appreciate that so much. You are right. I’m 26 years old but I feel so old always πŸ˜‚πŸ‘΅. I think teaching kids Spanish or English at home is a safe thing to do and maybe wouldn’t make me so anxious. When I think of a job with a lot of people I get anxious. You are so right πŸ’–πŸ‘. Maybe, I will have to look for writing classes if it don’t cost a lot. It sounds awesome. It’s so inspiring that you are doing that now. Your poetry is amazing. It’s all about the little steps because I guess eventually everything in life will fall into place. Yes, but sometimes it feels like anxiety takes over my life. It will not win! We are stronger than that πŸ’ͺ Awhhh thank you so much 😍 You can also always write me! Lots of love πŸ’– xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I relate to every single thing you say so so much. I am in a state of nothingness currently and I don’t know how to get out. Its been years. I wish there was some way I can lift you out of this. Live near you, be your friend, hang out with you, surf with you, go with you to the dentist, I’m so intrigued by the beautiful soul you have that isn’t just another person fitting another one of society’s molds.
    It hurts me when I see how much you pain you hold everyday on Instagram and I wish I had something magical or good to say but I don’t.
    All I know is, I am in this journey with you. Its bonkers how we share the same journey but are soo far apart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much beautiful for your lovely message and sweet words πŸ˜πŸ’ž I appreciate that so much. I feel exactly the same way as you. It’s crazy how far we live from each other and feel the exact same things at the exact time. We are definitely soulmates. I’m so happy to be friends with you. You are always there for me and understand me so well. I’m also here for you lovely. Awhhh I would that too. I would also go with you to the dentist or doctor haha. I would love to eat delicious tapas with you, go to concerts together and go surfing πŸ˜πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠ. It would be so amazing. Yes so true. It’s hard to want different things out of life when society all the time tries to fit you in a box. I just don’t want that because it would make me unhappy. I think we all deserve the freedom to choose what we want to do in our lives. Your words already mean so much to me. You are already making my life so much better πŸ’–. We will meet one day I’m sure. Love you loads πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You’re a very brave lady for sharing this, Christina. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I feel.your pain because I was there.

    Like you, I was also bullied in high school and as a result, suffered from extreme shyness during my early adulthood, around the time my children were born.

    I only kept to my family and didn’t have many friends. And I used being a new mom and having babies to take care of as my reason.

    But it wasn’t. It was because I no longer trusted people and had lost faith in humanity.

    I want you to know that I understand how you feel and that you have so many people who are in your corner. Know that we’re here for you.
    And I promise you that one day, things are going to be much better for you! Believe in yourself because we believe in you! ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your lovely words πŸ’ž. I feel you and understand you too. Being bullied is so hard. I wish kids would understand what the consequences of that act is so that it won’t happen again. I think you are an amazing mother. I also sometimes loose faith in humanity to be honest. I’m happy to be in the blogging community because it makes me feel like I belong somewhere and there are so many good people out there. I’m also here for you all. Thank you so much for your support beautiful. I will try to believe in myself more even though at times it’s difficult. Lots of love β€οΈπŸ€—

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you so much 😊… 26 yrs old….you have your own life ahead of you..β™₯️ the classes are quite affordable, I know it’s hard when anxiety takes control, at I don’t like big crowds..much, it makes me feel nervous most of the time..you’ll get there sweetie..πŸ’— take care..xxxx

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  7. Looking for Alaska is one of my favourite books of all time, I read it in 2013 when I was in a very dark place and that book made me feel so comforted because I realised I wasn’t alone. I’ll always be so thankful for that. You’re never alone angel, there are so many people who love and care about you (including me !!!) and I am always here for you, always, always. Life is a struggle but we’ll get there πŸ’™ one step at a time my little love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much lovely for always being there for me 😍 I’m so happy and blessed to have you in my life. I can understand you. You read it during the time your best friend passed away, right? Books are so amazing because they make us feel less alone in all what we feel and experience in life. I can’t wait to meet you one day. That will be one of the best days of my life ✨ Life is hard but also beautiful. You are so right. Love you so much ❀️❀️❀️

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