Hola lovelies 💕,
I need to write some thoughts I have lately on my mind down here. I always am 100% honest and vulnerable because this is my safe space. I’m so thankful for all your support and for all of you being there for me 🙏💖. It means the most to me. Right now, I just don’t feel okay. It’s not like that I feel really bad but I’m also not feeling really good. It’s a strange feeling. I also have headaches and can’t wait to soak up some sunshine 🌞 when I will go again to Spain in two months. This grey and rainy weather affects my mood and mental health so much 😢. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. I hope I’m not the only one feeling this way.
I feel lonely lately because I don’t leave the house much and if I leave the house I just go to the park or go shopping with my mother. I don’t see my friends a lot 😢. I feel isolated and bored. They are all busy. I just see some friends here or in Spain a few times in a month. Sometimes I feel I do all the effort in friendship/relationships. I’m so done with that because I can’t do that anymore. I’m a highly sensitive person and all my life I have felt that I love and do more for others than people do for me. I’m the helper. I’m the fixer. It’s nice to help others but I also would love that people do the same for me. Of course, I’m so thankful for my family especially my mother and my good friends in real life and online who are always there for me 💖🙌.
I just wish to meet more people in real life too. I want to share my struggles and open up. I love to do it here online but sharing your stuff with a person face to face is the most vulnerable thing ever. It’s so good to do that and I really miss that right now in my life 😔. I love my pen pals, blogging friends and friends I know from the Yoga Girl community but those are all people living far away from me. I really would love to be able to teletransport myself so that we could be together having fun and talking about real life topics. I know one day that dream will become true even though it may cost some time 🙏✨.
I also just feel like I’m just floating or trying to survive in life. I feel lost for so many years already and I just can’t see how to go out of that space. Lately I feel bored, uninspired and so tired about everything. I’m happy I faced my fear of going to the dentist last month in Spain but I still need to get three wisdom teeth out 🦷. I still need to face that fear three times more. I still need to get a job which just doesn’t seem to go well with me. I thought of maybe teaching kids English or Spanish. Life just feels like a never ending struggle. As I’m reading right now Looking for Alaska I feel that kind of struggle. It’s hard to feel it and to be in this space.
I also know that what I want from life is just to be truly happy. I want to be happy with myself. I have spend so many years being my own enemy that I’m done with it. It’s just to hard to heal in that way because whenever I feel anxious I doubt myself and say the worst things about myself. My inner-critic becomes loud and says that I’m not worth it, that I’m lazy for not having a job, that I’m not loved by anyone and that eventually everyone will leave me. This of course only makes me feel worse. Being bullied in high school caused me to have anxiety and these kinds of thoughts too. I have to listen more to my inner-bestfriend who tells me that I’m loved, worth it and that my worth has nothing to do whether I’m productive or not.
I also feel like I wouldn’t be happy with a 9 to 5 life or a routine. I feel like I would feel bored in one second. I want more out of life. I love adventure, travelling and meeting people which is sometimes a contrast of me having anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t form part of my personality even though sometimes I think it does because that voice gets so loud. The thing is that I have so many dreams but just never know how to make them happen because of insecurities, anxiety and just have no clue to make it all work. I would love to write a book 📝📖, travel the world 🌍, be able to surf the waves 🏄♀️🌊 and sometimes I even thought of being a singer. However, then I thought oh no that’s nothing for me because I don’t like attention. I don’t know if I would be happy if I would be famous.
Sometimes I love to isolate myself, hide myself, do yoga or meditation and just read books, write for my blog and write letters to my friends. There are also days that I like to go out, go to concerts with my friends and just have fun. I can be all of those things and don’t have to choose between one of another. I just wish I could really speak up more in real life and let myself seen. I have still a hard time doing that. I know it will make me happier in the long term.
Maybe we all know nothing of life and we are just trying to look like we have our life together when we don’t. Social media doesn’t give you a real view of what real life is. Sometimes I think of deleting it all as I tend to compare myself to others so much which ends up in feeling depressed and anxious of not having achieved certain milestones in life such as having a job, being married, having children and owning a car and a home. Then I always think to myself, is that what life is about? When you have all of that you are suppose to be “happy”. I really don’t know if all of that would make me happy to be honest.
Life for me is all about experiences, travels and connecting with wonderful people. I think what we miss right now in this society is trully being connected with someone and sharing our feelings. What I need right now is to be able to share my feelings and thoughts with someone. We all need to be able to laugh, cry, get a hug and have a real life connection. With the rise of social media this lack of connection is becoming a more serious issue. I love blogging and I love writing letters because the connection with someone is much stronger than writing a stupid whatsapp message. The next best thing is of course seeing that person. Maybe, that’s why I feel lonely too this month. I just wish that I can find my own happiness in life and achieve my dreams 🌠. We all deserve to be happy. Anxiety will never win. I have to believe in myself more and know that I will achieve my dreams. Thank you all for always being there for me because really that means the most to me. One day I will give you the biggest hug ever. I love you all so much 😍🤗💞.
Thank you all for reading my blog post. I hope you liked it and it inspired you in some way. Do you also feel lost in life sometimes? How do you deal with it? Do you miss connection in your life too? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.
Much love 💕,