Feeling done with this world ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ’”

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Today I will write a not so happy blog post. I like to share about my favourites and music reviews but I love to just write anything what’s on my mind because then I’m writing from my heart to yours. It makes me feel a bit better to let my thoughts go and I also hope it will help others to feel less alone. We all struggle in life with things only not at the same time. I hope I won’t sound too depressive but I just really don’t feel okay lately. Everything feels heavy and too much. I’m always my authentically self on this blog so I will try to be honest about my feelings and thoughts. When Summer ends I always feel this way because I’m a Summer girl forever. I don’t like dark days and less sun light.

I don’t know why I feel this way lately. Maybe it’s the thought of having to go back to Holland in two weeks. I have been SO happy here in Spain. I have been eating tapas a lot, drinking delicious milkshakes and ice creams, went swimming, went on a trip to the beach with my mother and surfed after 4 years ๐Ÿ„๐ŸŒŠ which I will share soon with you all, went for walks and saw my friends here a lot. I really have been enjoying life so much.

A few nights ago I cried about thinking having to go back to The Netherlands ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ’”. I don’t want. I’m just SO done with leaving my happy place. I love The Netherlands too. I love to see my friends and family there too of course. I’m just SO much happier in Spain. Just writing this makes me cry so much again. I just want to live here forever. I also experience anxiety here but at the end my heart longs for Spain. I’m also anxious that we won’t be able to go again for a long time because of the pandemic. I applied for jobs without any luck. If there’s one thing I know for sure is that I want to live in Spain permenantly.

I also feel anxious and depressed again to go to the dentist. I’m happy it went again well. In this blog post I talk about my experience of my second wisdom tooth removal. I still have to go twice but I’m more anxious for the lower wisdom teeth because they are in my gum. I don’t know whether to do it here now or in a few months. I’m really dreading it. I love this dentist but that doesn’t mean I’m not anxious to go anymore. Still feeling anxious and not okay. It’s still no fun. It isn’t a trauma and didn’t hurt that much afterwards. The only thing is that with the lower wisdom teeth extraction it will hurt a bit more. He said one or two points more, nothing like a brave women like you won’t be able to tolerate. It was really sweet what he said but I feel like I don’t want to be brave anymore.

I feel depressed lately and anxious ๐Ÿ˜ž. I don’t know how to live life without feeling constantly anxious about something whether that’s going to the dentist, flying, going to an interview or anything else. I feel like I have no purpose and will never achieve my dreams because of anxiety. Then a friend of me said that it would be good to go to therapy. Well, I had some talks in the past and had to vomit every time and felt even more depressed and worse afterwards. I don’t want to go through that again. I also don’t like people giving me advice because like Yoga Girl said, we know ourselves the best. I love to get tips and recommendations but at the end this is my life. I just hate when people tell me what to do even though some will mean it well. I’m a helper and I have pleases way too many people in my life who didn’t deserve it. It’s my turn now to choose what’s right for me even though I sometimes don’t have any clue and feel lost as hell in life.

Everything what’s happening in this world right now also makes me feel totally not okay. I deactivated FB and my personal Instagram. Sometimes I think of deleting it all but that’s maybe too much I will just take a break. I’m done with seeing happy perfect pictures and fake lives. Inspiring people is what makes me happy and following others who inspire me too such as Yoga Girl, artists and other people. Social media often gived such as a false view of life. What you see isn’t real. I think that makes us all feel even worse especially when we are dealing with mental health illnesses such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, eating disorder or any other. To see people living their life best while you are not feeling okay will not help you. I giess it’s important to have a social media detox. I feel different while blogging because I’m just completely myself without feeling I will be judged. Blogging is my safe space and will always be ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’–.

Everything feels too heavy for me lately. I decided to stop watching news or anything triggering my mental health too. It’s not being egoistic but I really can’t deal with any negative news happening in this world anymore. It’s too much for my highly sensitive brain. I can’t take it anymore. I think for the people who are already sensitive for negativity and also are struggling in life, this pandemic hit really hard. I remember when it all began in March and I was just lying in bed thinking about the world ending. I still sometimes think of this question: How can I cope in this world when I don’t see any light in the tunnel? When is this going to end? My anxiety goes to the roof when I don’t know the end point of something. I know that when I go to the dentist half hour later I feel okay again. With this it’s different. No one knows when this pandemic will end and if it will end one day. It makes it definitely more scary which makes me feel even more anxious.

I’m happy I live a more normal life here in Spain. For many months I was at home and only going on a few walks. I have been doing loads of fun stuff here but always doing social distance, wearing a mask which I hate because it gets so warm, and washing my hands a lot. I just feel that even though we have the internet, it makes us feel more isolated and lonelier too. Yes, video calls and chatting is nice but it will NEVER replace real human connection. Seeing each other face to face and hugging each other is the most valuable things ever in life. Having a vulnerable conversation with someone we love, crying on someone’s their shoulder, helping a stranger, giving someone a hug will never be the same online. The online world will never give you the same feelings. Seeing everyone being afraid of each other and not wanting to be near to them breaks my heart even more. Really?! What has the world become? I know they are many things to be grateful for like being more present, slowing down and spending time in nature. It’s just really hard sometimes.

This was basically my rant of how I feel in life regarding to the pandemic, this world and just my feelings. I hope we all have a safe space to be able to talk about our feelings without being judged. I’m here for you all and hope you are all being safe ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’–.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. How are you all doing? What are some tips you have for me for coping with anxiety with everything what’s happening in this world? Do you also feel better when doing a social detox? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I faced my anxiety again and got my second wisdom tooth extraction! ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿฆท๐Ÿ‘Š

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

On the 24th of August I faced my dentist anxiety again. By then I still had to get rid of three wisdom teeth. Now only two ๐Ÿฆท๐Ÿฆท lol it sounds less which makes me feel a bit more calm and happier. Yeahhhh I say byebye again to one wisdom tooth! ๐Ÿ˜‚. In this blog post I will tell you about my experience. I always love to talk about the things I fear on my blog and also related to anxiety because I know I’m not the only one facing these fears. It makes me feel less alone and writing release some anxiety which always good. Writing means healing and letting go.

So, the night before I was SO anxious again ๐Ÿ˜ญ. People say that the more you do something, the less scared you are. It ain’t no true when you suffer from a mental illness like anxiety. I still feel anxious even if I do something a million times like flying or going to the dentist. My heart was beating fast the night before and the day itself which was Monday. My appointment was late in the afternoon. I felt nauseous too. I always don’t eat much when I do something which scares me because otherwise I have to tendency to vomit because of anxiety. It always makes me feel ashamed to admit that but it doesn’t matter because everyone has something. There’s no person in this world who is never anxious. I just feel it a million times more which makes it so hard. The last time I went for a wisdom tooth extraction was in January. This time I could except more what would happen which maybe made me feel a bit more grounded. I also went swimming a lot the days before and did some meditation but I still felt so anxious.

I deciced together with my dentist that the best thing is to do it one by one. People said to me why don’t you just get rid of the four in one time. That treatment would be longer, I would have more pain and even more anxiety. Here in Spain they do it one by one, much better. Besides, I have to do what makes me feel good and not what other people except me to do. As I suffer from anxiety, I prefer to do things in parts. If you are anxious about something like going to the dentist or studying for an exam, a good way to release some anxiety is to break that daunting task into little parts. This way your brain will take it better. For me it works. I get really overwhelmed when I have to do something scary all at once.

The thing which makes me keep going to the dentist even though I’m scared is trust. I trust this dentist and his team. I trust them with all my heart ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™. I’m always afraid of people hurting me because of being bullied in the past. It makes me trust people less. Here I feel safe and respected. If I’m anxious, so be it. If I cry then that’s okay too. Trusting in people whether those are professionals, your friends or family is so important. We all need this in life. It gives us a sense of safety. I had to wait at the dental clinic with my mother for more than a half hour because there were more people. I drank some water and prefered to wait there then go outside. I was the last one because they close at 8.30/9.00 PM. Fernando (the dentist) came and I was like bybye I will go run away ๐Ÿคฃ. He found that funny. I love it how you can call them their first names and they do the same with me. It makes it all less scary and more familiar.

So, I lay down and said how I would prefer to be on a beach right now. He laughed. I really find it funny how dentists talk with their patients while they are doing stuff in their mouth it’s like halooooo how can I talk normally?! I know they do it to ease the tension and be less anxious. Just when he was putting the local anesthesia in my mouth he asked me if I was working or studying. I said no. I said that I spent my time crying and having anxiety in life. It’s not totally true but I said that I’m also writing for some poetry competitions. Unfortunately I didn’t win any of them. Then he said oh you can have a blog. I said that I have one. I said: “I wrote about you haha”. Fernando: “I hope it was something positive.” I said: “No haha ๐Ÿ˜‚.” He looked at me like big eyes ๐Ÿ‘€. I was like no of course something positive! ๐Ÿ’ž He was happy to hear that. End well haha. It’s so nice to talk to him because it feels like I’m talking to a friend instead of a doctor.

This time I felt the needle ๐Ÿ’‰ of the local anesthesia even less. I got again the squeeze shark haha ๐Ÿฆˆ. I have it in my hands and can squeeze it. It helps for people who are anxious. Fidget toys help too. Fernando is even specialised in people who have anxiety because he definitely makes me feel so at peace. He said breath in slowly, breath out slowly and it worked. Then my mouth was numb and he could take my teeth out. It took a bit more time to get this teeth out but eventually it went well. All the time he asked if I had pain and I said no. I just felt some pressure. Then I heard click and that moment was the one he took my teeth out. There wasn’t even much blood. This time I saved the teeth. It’s now at home haha I will keep it for the tooth fairy lol. I wish I were that young again. I don’t know what he does but he is amazing. Best dentist evah. I really love them so much ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ญ.

He prescribed me again antibiotics, probiotics and ibuprofen for the pain. We had a lovely chat afterwards. He said that maybe I could have low blood pressure if sometimes I’m dizzy and anxious. He wanted to go to Mallorca but this year he won’t go on holidays because of the pandemic. I told him he is very tan haha. He is just really handsome. We got a free toothpasta. He said he don’t watch so much news which is much better. Then he told us a horrible story. Fernando said a man from 82 years old died by suicide this year because he was done with reading only negative news ๐Ÿ˜”๐Ÿ˜ข. It really hit him because he was a patient of him. It happened in front of the dental clinic. It’s really horrible to know that so many people are suffering now from mental health illnesses and nobody is doing saying anything about it. This pandemic is hitting us all hard economically, health wise too and mentally. I stopped reading and watching the news these last months because I couldn’t cope with it too. I get into a negative and anxious spiral which is difficult to get out of. I just want to know some stuff regarding travelling because we are always between Spain and The Netherlands but that’s it. I know me, my mother and my friends follow the safety measures which are washing our hands, wearing a mask and do social distance. I can’t control others so that’s it. It makes me so sad that this man didn’t had any support and felt so low to end his life. My heart is with him.

After this talk Fernando said don’t forget to have the gauze 20 minutes. I said yes but uhhh it was 30 minutes, right?! He said 10 minutes has passed now haha talking. We both laughed lol I really these chats so much. Everything goes so smoothly and so chill. It feels like I’m chilling with a friend. I have felt so much emotions these days. I was feeling low and high on energy. After having so much anxiety I felt relief and I felt again the feeling of letting something go. I may loose all my wisdom teeth but at the end I gain wisdom from this experience. I felt also very tired these days, maybe it’s because of the meds. The first night I couldn’t sleep on the side I always sleep so it frustated me. I had pain for a few days and now I feel almost like normal again. I ate solid food, some soft bread, gazpacho which is a delicious cold Spanish soup, tortilla de patata, pasta and veggie pures. It was all so delicious. I miss pizza ๐Ÿ•๐Ÿ˜‹ though haha.

On Wednesday I went again for a check up at the dentist I had this white dress on and make up. I love to look good for myself. Then I was sitting on the chair and he said that I looked very good (Estรกs muy guapa). And then without thinking I said haha for you ๐Ÿ˜‚. This is me being direct always ๐Ÿคญ. Fernando found it funny lol. He also said that the lower wisdom teeth removal will hurt a bit more but nothing like a brave woman like me won’t be able to tolerate. I felt completely flattered. If more men would be like him, this world would definitely be a better place. Of course, I love to look well for me. I will never ever again change myself for anyone. In the past I’ve done that which means wearing high heels for my ex but I really hated it. He said it made me have more self confidence. Wrong!!!! I did that for him. He said all girls wear high heels. I let the wild woman roar ๐Ÿบ, the more authentic and honest I’m with myself. Not everyone likes that but that doesn’t matter. This is me. I’m my beautiful self which is the best way I can be. I’m a wild woman, watch me rise up ๐Ÿ”ฅ

The thing is that sometimes I feel like I’m in love with this dentist ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿฅฐ. Maybe it’s just me being cray cray haha. I think this feeling is normal when doctors take such good care of you, respect you and know how to care about your mental health too. I come from a traumatic experience in The Netherlands where a dentist said I’m childish and 15 years old. Now, I have a totally different experience which makes me feel in awe with the world. There are so many good people out there who wants best for you. Someone who gets me when I’m anxious deserves it all. I really need it. I don’t know if these feelings are mutual lol in love what?! I guess he just knows how to be there for me and make me feel less anxious. I hope that the next two times I have to go will go also well even though I still will be anxious. That will not change because I’m an anxious person but of course it’s not part of my personality. It will never be. I’m a loving, sensitive and caring person who suffers from anxiety. That’s the difference. We are all in this together. We are never alone in our struggles. I’m always here for you all ๐Ÿ™.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you liked it. Did you also had to have a wisdom teeth extraction? Was it painful? What do you think of the things my dentist said to me? Is it love haha? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

I see humans but no humanity ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I wanted to write a more happier post but I always want to be honest on my blog so I won’t do that. I’m always vulnerable and real on my blog. I always write straight from my heart. Writing straight from my heart also gives me the most inspiration. I don’t like to plan blog posts. It has to flow like life too. These days I don’t feel okay so I will write about my feelings and thoughts. I hope you are all okay and safe. I’m here for you too. This blog post will be about my health, how I feel and about humanity. It feels good to write it all down and have a more sense of peace in my mind.

I was very happy the first days I arrived in Spain. I have been eating delicious tapas, ice creams ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿจ๐Ÿง, milkshakes, enjoyed the sunshine ๐ŸŒž and went swimming a lot ๐ŸŠโ€โ™€๏ธ. The last days I have felt low and kinda depressed. I also had my period so I’m always more sensitive to everything during that time of the month. Besides, I’m really tired and my throat hurts a lot when I swallow, drink or eat something. It feels like it’s swollen too. If anyone knows me well, you know how anxious I’m about dentists or doctors so I will wait a few more days. The bad thing is that nowadays many people think easily oh no it’s Corona when you can have something else. I don’t have fever or anything. I just hope that it will go away soon. I really want to feel better again.

I also am beginning to feel anxious again to have to go to the dentist in two weeks. I still have to get rid of three wisdom teeth but it’s really draining me. I’m so done with it. It makes me so anxious ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿฆท. The dentist and his team are very lovely but it’s still no fun. Again feeling numb, then not eating a few days and taking meds for pain. It was worse than I imagined but still not fun. The anxiety I feel is always worse than the thing itself. Anxiety is a monster and I would love to be able to tame it one day. I will use valium to calm myself down. I’m so grateful for my mother who is always there for me to hold my hand and be at my side. I couldn’t do anything scary without her help. I really would be so lost. I love her so much. She is the kindest and most loveliest person ever.

I’m a highly sensitive person which means that I feel every emotion more. I feel others suffering more and also love more. It’s a gift but can also be a curse sometimes. I feel others pain deeply. Some of my friends are dealing with emotional stuff. I feel them. I feel people suffering from the pandemic. It hurts me so much to see so much pain in the world. I have been feeling very emotional and sad too these days. I can’t deal with people doing bad things to good people. It breaks my heart ๐Ÿ’”. Why is there so much hate in this world? Why can’t people just be nice and kind to each other or is that too much to ask for? I really would love to have some answers on that but I don’t have. I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. It’s so unfair.

I have felt this way too because of the harrasment which yoga_girl is receiving just because she said that’s better not to travel now to Aruba from a country with a high risk of the virus. Aruba suffers from an economic crisis because it depends on tourism. I can understand that but the health and safety of the citizens are more important. I think that’s obvious. I just can’t understand how people find it okay to treathening other people lives. It’s so scary. Rachel and her family have received hate and what’s worse than that is threats. They even stalked their house. I’m happy they are safe now. It would be a shame if they have to move because of some locals being aggressive to them. I’m so happy to be part of the yoga community and will forever be โœจ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’–. We are all here for you guys. Rachel, you are such a light in this world and have healed so many hearts including mine. I’m still healing though. I can’t thank you enough. Be safe. I love you so much.

I have also noticed that I feel more like myself these days. The more I feel, the more I feel like myself because this is who I’m. I get anxious, I get depressed, I feel low but I also can be happy and feel gratitude in my heart. I feel it all. Even though sometimes I find it really hard to live in this world because there are so many scary things and bad people out there too. I’m grateful for the good people I have in my life. I’m so happy to have this beautiful blogging community too who’s always there for me too. I can’t wait to meet you all one day and thank you. You are always there for me when I’m sad and celebrate my happy days. We will always stick together forever.

I wish there would be more people like you all in this world ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ™. Sometimes I definitely feel like there are so many bad people and things out there. I get scared and anxious and feel such a heavy feeling on my shoulders. I wish for peace, respect and compassion and being one with the world. What the world needs right now is union and not more separation ๐ŸŒ. There’s already too much of that and it didn’t bring anything good.

May we all find the light and love in our own hearts and spread it to the world โœจ. This world needs healing, so much love, compassion and kindness. It will never be enough. What this world needs right now is a group hug which would be now in distance with the pandemic but you all understand what I mean. More love, less hate. More compassion, less cold-hearted people.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you can understand and respect my feelings. How are you feeling lately? Are you also anxious of going to the doctor or dentist? What do you think of humanity? Do you also find it unfair that bad things happen to good people? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post. Be safe you all and remember we are never alone in our struggles. Like I always say, we are always in this together ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿ’–.

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

A to Z of things to do while being in self isolation ๐Ÿก๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ™

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I have not been doing well at times because of anxiety. I get overwhelmed by all what’s happening in the world. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night sweating and felt also cold. I was so anxious to get sick ๐Ÿ˜ข. I had cramps. It will get over though. I also have my period soon so everything is harder. At least the sun shines brightly this weekend ๐ŸŒž and we can enjoy it in the garden and in the park. I know many bloggers and other people are writing these kinds of posts which I love to read. They all inspire me so much. I thought about writing my own post about it but different than others. One day I wrote a post which was called A to Z of my favourite things in life. I loved to make it as it was much fun. I hope you will like it too and that it inspires you during this though time ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’–.

A – Make art ๐ŸŽจ

It’s the perfect time to get creative, draw, paint and write ๐Ÿ“.

BBaking ๐Ÿฒ and bath time ๐Ÿ›€

I can’t bake well but I would love to learn to do it more. I used to bake some cookies ๐Ÿช with my daddy when I was little and I loved it. I love to take a bath so much. It’s so relaxing and calming. I just bought some amazing Lush bubble bars and bath bombs which I can’t wait to use.

C – Make a collage ๐Ÿ’–

I used to love making collages in journals and for school too. It’s a great time to do this now. Get creative and put your favourite things of your life in it. You could even later use it for your room as decoration.

DDrawing ๐Ÿ–๏ธ and dancing ๐Ÿ’ƒ

I can’t draw very well but I know so many of you can. Take the time to draw something nice. I love to have some good old dance parties in my room too while listening to my fav artist Taylor Swift ๐Ÿ˜. It’s so good for us to move.

EEating ๐Ÿด

Hahah I mean I can’t live without eating some good food ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‹. Now is the perfect time to eat some healthy food and also enjoy some nice chocolate and whatever you would like. I would love to make some delicious fruit smoothies too. I always make them during Summer months.

FFacetime with your friends and family ๐Ÿ‘ช and feel your feelings ๐Ÿ™

It’s important to stay in contact with our loved ones even though we can’t see them. I don’t use Facetime because I have no iPhone but of course Skype, Zoom, Whatsapp videocall or whatever works for you exists too. At least you can see that person and talk to them. It’s a great way to release emotions to. It’s so important to feel our feelings whether that’s happiness, anger, sadness or whatever comes up. Your feelings are valid. Right now we are all suffering and surviving on our way. Find a way to feel your feelings, release them and then let them go.

G Gaming ๐ŸŽฎ

I don’t play at all games but I love Sims. I wish to play it again. I also loved to play Rollercoaster Tycoon, Sonic and Super Mario Bros. I wish to have that at home right now. It’s a great time to do some nice games.

H Horse riding ๐Ÿด and house cleaning ๐Ÿงฝ

This one sounds maybe strange because many people can’t leave the house. In The Netherlands it’s still alowed to go horse riding, walking or being outside in nature if there are not much people around. It’s really nice for the ones who are able to do it. I have never been such a fan of horses but some of them are really beautiful. One day I also rode one little horse haha omggg I was scared. They are so huge! You could also use this time to clean your house. I already cleaned a bit of my room but I have to do it way more and also organize some stuff.

IImagine yourself at a beautiful place ๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒŠ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒด

I always love to daydream and to imagine myself on a beautiful island enjoying the beach, the sunshine and being under a palmtree. I’m forever a hippie and Summer girl ๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒŠ๐Ÿฆ„๐Ÿค™. Whenever I imagine myself on a beautiful place I feel calmer and I sometimes use it to be able to sleep better. It makes you happier, more hopeful and just lighter. We need imagination to feel better especially during these though times where the whole world feels scary and uncertain.

J Journalling ๐Ÿ“

Journalling is so nice. I do it sometimes but I wish to do it more. I also would love to begin one day with a bullet journal. I’m just not so consistent like with my blog. Some bullet journals which I have seen online are so beautiful. I love to be that creative one day.

K – To be kind ๐Ÿ˜Š and kissing ๐Ÿ’‹

Being kind is so important especially nowadays. Be kind to yourself and to others. You can write someone a letter, be there for them and help them with anything they need. Also, if you are self-isolated with the people you love it can be possible to kiss that person or otherwise blow some kisses in the air haha.

L Learn something new ๐Ÿ’ญ and listen to some good music ๐ŸŽถ

It’s a great time to learn something new. Maybe learn a new language, learn to play an instrument or try to learn a dance. There are many ways to learn something new with the internet. I would love to learn to play guitar and piano one day. Unfortunately I don’t have them at home. I love to listen to some music. It makes me happier and calmer too. Music is life.

MMovie time ๐ŸŽฌ and meditate ๐Ÿ™

There are SO many amazing, beautiful and inspiring movies to watch. You can use Netflix, Kodi, Disney+โœจor any other channel you use to watch movies. I’m so happy with the Google Chromecast which we got from my brother. I’m watching loads of movies with my mother and also Spanish series. I also love to do meditation. I do it every day now with the meditation sessions of Yoga girl.

N – Paint your nails ๐Ÿ’…

I always love to pain my nails even though I’m not a professional at all haha. I love to paint them in the colours I feel. During the Summer months I often use more bright colours such as blue, violet and purple than during the Winter months. During Christmas I love to use glitter nail polish.

OOffer some help to someone who needs it ๐Ÿ™

Be of service and offer some help to those who need it. Maybe you can help some elderly with doing groceries. Maybe you can call someone who is having a hard time right now. Listen to people and be there for them like you want the same for yourself too. We are all in this together. It’s time to all help each other.

PPainting ๐ŸŽจ, listening to some podcasts ๐Ÿ‘‚ and penpalling ๐Ÿ’Œ

I loved to paint when I was younger. I would love to pick that up someday as well. It’s good to let ourselves have fun and letting our inner child out while painting. I also love to listen to podcasts. The one I listen to is the one of Yoga Girl, my biggest inspiration in life ๐Ÿ˜. You can find her podcasts on Spotify. There are so many good podcasts out there. I also love to penpal as you guys know. Penpalling is writing handwritten letters to friends all over the world while sending them nice crafts, stickers, things you make, sticky notes, washi tape or anything nice.

QQuilting ๐Ÿงถ

I have seen people doing quilting on my social media. It wouldn’t be something for me because I think I wouldn’t be patient enough but it would be a nice hobby to do during this time.

RReading ๐Ÿ“š

Of course reading has to be on this list! I love to read. I’m currently reading a poetry book mental health related. I can’t wait to read more unread books I have at home. I also have more in Spain but unfortunately I’m not there right now. You will see a review soon of some amazing books I’ve read.

SSleeping ๐Ÿ˜ด and watching series ๐Ÿ“บ

Sleeping for me is even more important than eating. If I don’t sleep well I feel more anxious and just generally bad. It’s time to rest now and sleep more. We need it. Also, you can never fail with watching some nice series. My favourite Spanish series are Amar es para siempre, Luimelia and Cuรฉntame cรณmo pasรณ and of course Pretty Little Liars and Gossip Girl. Now is the time to watch your favourite serie!

TTidying up the Marie Kondo way ๐Ÿ—ƒ๏ธ and drinking a delicious tea ๐Ÿต

Marie Kondo is the famous Japanese cleaning consultant. She knows how to organize stuff at home. It’s beautiful to watch. I have to watch her series and read her book. I also have to take action on it as I’m so lazy to organizing things. I’m so attached to stuff and find it hard to do clothes away. It would be nice to declutter and only have things in my closet which sparks me joy. Also, drinking tea is always a nice way to calm yourself down and just enjoy the moment. My favourite tea is Yogi Tea.

U – Play ukulele ๐ŸŽธ

I wish to be able to play guitar or ukulele. It would be nice to sing along while playing. Make some time for it if you have one at home.

V – Plant some vegetables ๐ŸŒฑ

This weekend it’s going to be a sunny weekend with almost 20 degrees here ๐ŸŒž๐Ÿ˜Ž. I really want to start to plant some flowers in my garden. Planting some vegetables would be nice too. Many people are gardening now as it’s the time to do it. It’s nice to be back to the basics like planting a seed and watching it grow.

W Walking ๐Ÿšถ and writing ๐Ÿ–‹๏ธ

I’m happy we are still alowed to go for a walk in nature where there are not many people around. I love to walk in the park with my mother. There is so much space to walk around. There are also beautiful fields of sheeps and cows. Fresh air is so good for our health especially our mental health. We need vitamine D too ๐ŸŒž. I also love of course to write. Writing is the best thing ever. I’m writing a lot for my blog and I also am thinking of joining an essay competition. You have to write about climate change and could win a trip to Barcelona in September. It would be SO amazing! ๐Ÿ˜ I already won in 2015 an essay competition and spoke at the United Nations. These contests make me so happy and inspired. I have to give myself more credits of being a great writer.

X – Watching Xoxo Gossip Girl ๐Ÿ“บ๐Ÿ’‹

Watching Gossip Girl is always an amazing plan! I have watched all seasons but I never get bored of watching them again. One of the best series ever. I love the parties, Serena and Blair, their dresses and just everything. I can’t believe that in 2015 I’ve been to New York City ๐Ÿ—ฝ. It was a dream came true when I won that essay contest. It has always been on my bucketlist.

Y – Do yoga ๐Ÿง˜โ€โ™€๏ธ

I’m doing yoga every damn day now and it’s been so beautiful to practice 30 days for this challenge called #30daysofspace by Yoga Girl. The classes are for free. You can find them here. You only have to make a free account. I wish to have money to upgrade my account afterwards. I also practice yoga for free with Adriene on Youtube. Yoga is just so good for our health. My mental health is better when I practice and it’s also good for my back pain.

ZZzzz ๐Ÿ’ค

Take a nap whenever you need it. In Spain this is called siesta time haha ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ˜‚. We need that rest. You don’t have to feel guilty for needing to rest. The world has paused. I never like those people who are rushing through life and who always say they are busy. That’s not enjoying life. Rest is our birth right. That’s mother earth her biggest lesson for us.

Thank you all for reading this fun post. I hope all liked it. What are you doing from my list? What would you like to try? Any more suggestions? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Coronavirus: Is this a wake up call for the world?! ๐ŸŒ

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I know all we can talk about now in the world is the coronavirus (Covid-19). I wanted to post a blog post about some happy stuff such as some book reviews but I really need to talk about this. I have to describe my feelings and thoughts on it as I always do with important topics such as mental health, feminism, injustice in the world and other topics. I need to let my thoughts go and write it down here or I will feel that I explode ๐Ÿ˜ฅ. My mind is so full these days. I’m not doing okay.

So, I can’t sleep well anymore. I feel so bad and anxious. I’m crying every day ๐Ÿ˜ข. I don’t know how to cope. I have cramps in my stomach. It’s in times I didn’t felt so bad. This virus only increased my anxiety. How can I feel less anxious when the situation is getting worse every day and people are dying? I feel hopeless. There’s an outbreak of a pandemic in the world right now. The coronavirus feels like the flu but it’s worse because you have fever, cough and it effects your lungs. It all began in China in December. They eat a lot of strange food there such as living animals such as cats, dogs and whatever. My daddy said that the virus comes from bats. I’m of course not a doctor and don’t know much about viruses but all we know is that it’s spreading to every country. If I’m affected I could infect three other people.

I have sometimes health anxiety so I’m also a bit worried to get this virus to be honest. I think it’s normal that we are worried because our health is the most important thing in life. What I’m also worried about is the people who are vulnerable and the elderly people. My father for example has diabetics so it could be dangerous for him. What I don’t like about what’s happening now is that many people especially young people think oh only the old people die or the sick ones. That’s being so EGOISTIC. Writing this I feel tears in my eyes coming because I CARE. I care sometimes way too much about people, this earth and everyone because of being a highly sensitive person and also suffering from anxiety. I care about someone dying being 75 years old of coronavirus even though I don’t know that person. It could be your father, daughter, grandmother. Every one deserves a good life and deserves to live and be treaten well ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™.

Everything is cancelled right now ๐Ÿšซ. In The Netherlands there are no concerts, theater, cinema, sport events happening anymore and all schools are closed. I’m worried about that Eurovision in May will be cancelled too. I hope to go another day. I was so happy when this year began because of this event and good stuff. I’m worried about my friends in Italy being locked down. Spain has now declared an emergency state. I’m worried about my family and friends there. They only can leave the house for meds, work or to go to the supermarket. My mother and I are supposed to go in two weeks but that isn’t possible anymore. Tonight they closed the borders. It makes me sad to not be able to go as we never experienced this. None of us does. It feels lik a movie but it’s happening and it’s real. Scary stuff ๐Ÿ˜ข. I just hope we can enjoy Summer time ๐ŸŒž in Spain because otherwise I will get so depressed and anxious. I don’t like Summer in The Netherlands because the sun doesn’t shine that much. I’m just always so happy in Spain. Holy week in Spain is cancelled too. I would have to go to the dentist in Spain too but right now it isn’t an emegerncy as I have no pain.

I’m a highly sensitive person, an empath and suffer from anxiety. This is maybe not the best combination in the midst of the Coronavirus. I care always so much about others and everything that it all affects me emotionally. I suffer more but I also love more. I’m here for all the ones in need. You can always talk to me. We are not alone ๐Ÿ’ช We are all in this together.

I just got inspired to write this post too because of Melissa Wells. Maybe everything what’s happening now is a wake up call for the damn world. Care about the elderly. Help people in need. Think of the ones working in the hospital sector and supermarkts. I’m seeing also very good deeds this week such as people donating blood in Spain for the people who need it. Doctors from China are helping Italy and Spain with medical products. The supermarkets are almost empty here and also in the rest of the world. I don’t find that at all funny. Maybe this pandemic virus is a wake up call for the world like that we have to be more compassionate, less egostic and think of others. Don’t buy so much stuff in the supermarkets because then someone else can’t buy toilet paper or hand gel or food. Think more of others than of yourself.

All people think of nowadays is me, myself and I. It’s the wrong way. We are all human and we all long for the same things such as food security, love, safety and being healthy. I also feel that this lack of control and uncertainty is making me more anxious. All governments and society thinks about is money and power. I’m a hippie by heart and just never feel like I approve with the society we are living in. Maybe more people feel that way.

Citizens have to be responsible for their actions too. In Italy and Spain they aren’t allowed to go outside or have fun with friends in some bar. Take these measures seriously. Many young people can’t die from it, but if you do get infected you can make others infected like people who are in a vulnerable state or older people. Your actions could be the death of someone else. Buy responsibly ๐Ÿ›’. My mother wanted to buy paracetamol today and saw everyone being greedy and getting them. That isn’t the way to handle things in life. I saw a picture where Italy has almost no pollution in the air and is clear. You see, we can fight climate change all together ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿค—. I saw people donating loads of blood in Spain. Good things happen every day. We can all make a change in this world.

I will stay mostly at home now. It’s time to slow down. It’s time to help others and not think of me, myself and I. Let’s be compassionate, solidair and less egoistic. Follow the health instructions. Don’t buy everything you see in the supermarkets because then there will be nothing left for others. We have to be all strong together and help each other. We are all in this together. I’m also anxious right now but I hope this situation will be solved as long as we take all measures seriously. Wash your hands well and focus less on social media. I also have to watch less news as that only increase my anxiety and doesn’t solve anything. We will see what will happening the coming days. Stay safe at home ๐Ÿก, read books ๐Ÿ“š, blog, watch series and movies ๐ŸŽฌ, or listen to podcasts. There are so many nice things to do at home. We don’t always have to be outside to have fun.

It’s time that countries work together with each other to combate this pandemic of Coronavirus. We are all together in this. 2020 is the year that will change our view of the world because of this health crisis. We will make it out stronger and hopefully we will learn to be more responsible for this earth and for all its people ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ’•.

At the end, everything will be allright. Take care, stay safe and love because that will never be cancelled ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿค—โœจI’m here for you all. I love you all so much!

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. I hope it didn’t sound depressing. I just wanted to share the good and the bad like always. How do you feel about the Coronavirus? Are you anxious? How’s it in your country? What do you do to calm yourself down? I really need some support right now. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I just want to be truly happy

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I need to write some thoughts I have lately on my mind down here. I always am 100% honest and vulnerable because this is my safe space. I’m so thankful for all your support and for all of you being there for me ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’–. It means the most to me. Right now, I just don’t feel okay. It’s not like that I feel really bad but I’m also not feeling really good. It’s a strange feeling. I also have headaches and can’t wait to soak up some sunshine ๐ŸŒž when I will go again to Spain in two months. This grey and rainy weather affects my mood and mental health so much ๐Ÿ˜ข. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. I hope I’m not the only one feeling this way.

I feel lonely lately because I don’t leave the house much and if I leave the house I just go to the park or go shopping with my mother. I don’t see my friends a lot ๐Ÿ˜ข. I feel isolated and bored. They are all busy. I just see some friends here or in Spain a few times in a month. Sometimes I feel I do all the effort in friendship/relationships. I’m so done with that because I can’t do that anymore. I’m a highly sensitive person and all my life I have felt that I love and do more for others than people do for me. I’m the helper. I’m the fixer. It’s nice to help others but I also would love that people do the same for me. Of course, I’m so thankful for my family especially my mother and my good friends in real life and online who are always there for me ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™Œ.

I just wish to meet more people in real life too. I want to share my struggles and open up. I love to do it here online but sharing your stuff with a person face to face is the most vulnerable thing ever. It’s so good to do that and I really miss that right now in my life ๐Ÿ˜”. I love my pen pals, blogging friends and friends I know from the Yoga Girl community but those are all people living far away from me. I really would love to be able to teletransport myself so that we could be together having fun and talking about real life topics. I know one day that dream will become true even though it may cost some time ๐Ÿ™โœจ.

I also just feel like I’m just floating or trying to survive in life. I feel lost for so many years already and I just can’t see how to go out of that space. Lately I feel bored, uninspired and so tired about everything. I’m happy I faced my fear of going to the dentist last month in Spain but I still need to get three wisdom teeth out ๐Ÿฆท. I still need to face that fear three times more. I still need to get a job which just doesn’t seem to go well with me. I thought of maybe teaching kids English or Spanish. Life just feels like a never ending struggle. As I’m reading right now Looking for Alaska I feel that kind of struggle. It’s hard to feel it and to be in this space.

I also know that what I want from life is just to be truly happy. I want to be happy with myself. I have spend so many years being my own enemy that I’m done with it. It’s just to hard to heal in that way because whenever I feel anxious I doubt myself and say the worst things about myself. My inner-critic becomes loud and says that I’m not worth it, that I’m lazy for not having a job, that I’m not loved by anyone and that eventually everyone will leave me. This of course only makes me feel worse. Being bullied in high school caused me to have anxiety and these kinds of thoughts too. I have to listen more to my inner-bestfriend who tells me that I’m loved, worth it and that my worth has nothing to do whether I’m productive or not.

I also feel like I wouldn’t be happy with a 9 to 5 life or a routine. I feel like I would feel bored in one second. I want more out of life. I love adventure, travelling and meeting people which is sometimes a contrast of me having anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t form part of my personality even though sometimes I think it does because that voice gets so loud. The thing is that I have so many dreams but just never know how to make them happen because of insecurities, anxiety and just have no clue to make it all work. I would love to write a book ๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ“–, travel the world ๐ŸŒ, be able to surf the waves ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ๐ŸŒŠ and sometimes I even thought of being a singer. However, then I thought oh no that’s nothing for me because I don’t like attention. I don’t know if I would be happy if I would be famous.

Sometimes I love to isolate myself, hide myself, do yoga or meditation and just read books, write for my blog and write letters to my friends. There are also days that I like to go out, go to concerts with my friends and just have fun. I can be all of those things and don’t have to choose between one of another. I just wish I could really speak up more in real life and let myself seen. I have still a hard time doing that. I know it will make me happier in the long term.

Maybe we all know nothing of life and we are just trying to look like we have our life together when we don’t. Social media doesn’t give you a real view of what real life is. Sometimes I think of deleting it all as I tend to compare myself to others so much which ends up in feeling depressed and anxious of not having achieved certain milestones in life such as having a job, being married, having children and owning a car and a home. Then I always think to myself, is that what life is about? When you have all of that you are suppose to be “happy”. I really don’t know if all of that would make me happy to be honest.

Life for me is all about experiences, travels and connecting with wonderful people. I think what we miss right now in this society is trully being connected with someone and sharing our feelings. What I need right now is to be able to share my feelings and thoughts with someone. We all need to be able to laugh, cry, get a hug and have a real life connection. With the rise of social media this lack of connection is becoming a more serious issue. I love blogging and I love writing letters because the connection with someone is much stronger than writing a stupid whatsapp message. The next best thing is of course seeing that person. Maybe, that’s why I feel lonely too this month. I just wish that I can find my own happiness in life and achieve my dreams ๐ŸŒ . We all deserve to be happy. Anxiety will never win. I have to believe in myself more and know that I will achieve my dreams. Thank you all for always being there for me because really that means the most to me. One day I will give you the biggest hug ever. I love you all so much ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ’ž.

Thank you all for reading my blog post. I hope you liked it and it inspired you in some way. Do you also feel lost in life sometimes? How do you deal with it? Do you miss connection in your life too? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I faced my fear of going to the dentist for my wisdom teeth removal ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿฆท

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’ž,

This blog post is going to be so important for me because I have had this fear for three years almost and kept postponing it. This blog post is about my wisdom teeth removal which happened today ๐Ÿฆท. While my mother is sleeping and I’m resting in bad I’m writing this blog post. I’m also crying because I feel so relieved. I’m so proud of myself.

So today I faced one of my biggest fears in life which is going to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth out ๐Ÿฆท. One of them is out now. Still three to go but at least this is done. Gotta love Spanish dentists who understand my anxiety and who are just so lovely. Also never mind my face is big because of the anesthesia. You can see that on the picture below. I basically had no choice to go today because I don’t want anyone forcing me in Holland. It’s more expensive there and they also do it in the hospital. I find hospitals even more scary ๐Ÿ˜ข. It reminds me when my dad was there and almost died.

I got a trauma from going to the dentist for a root canal treatment in The Netherlands because I got called childish and 15 years old. That resulted in me having a panic attack. That’s not a good way to treat your patients. I know they are not all like that but that experience just made me soooo anxious. There are good and bad dentists and doctors everywhere. You just have to find the right one. Finding one you can trust is so important ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿคž It really makes you more calm which is exactly what I need. That’s the most important thing.

I was so anxious the past days. I couldn’t sleep well last night and kept feeling anxious and nauseous. Today I woke up crying and really didn’t want to go but I know I had to. It’s bad when a fear is keeping you from living your life for so long. It’s been three years and it’s a miracle that I didn’t have any infections just yet. My mother said today that they changed the appointment to 4 o’clock in the afternoon instead of 7 o’clock in the afternoon. In fact it was much better because I always wake up so late so it would make me have less time worrying, crying and being anxious. I almost didn’t eat because I didn’t want to vomit because of anxiety. I drank water, some cookies and that’s it. I also took half of Valium ๐Ÿ’Š.

I’m SO happy I went here in Spain. They are understanding and know how to deal with people who have anxiety. I took anti anxiety meds before. When I arrived at the clinic today they gave me a tila which is a Spanish tea to calm you down ๐Ÿต. I was like wow what a service thank you so much. Then they said the dentist wasn’t still there haha he was eating, lol typical Spanish times ๐Ÿ˜‚ Then it was time for me to do it. I almost didn’t felt the anesthesia. I remember from Holland that I felt it. They also give me something to squeeze haha a little shark ๐Ÿฆˆ . They calmed me down with some breathing exercises like breathing slowly. This definitely helps so much. I tasted something like pepermint which was nice. I closed my eyes too which was better they said. It was the dentist and a woman who helped him. They were both so friendly.

Then they said I would feel like a bee ๐Ÿ was pricking me but I almost felt nothing. That was done and then the dentist took the teeth away. My head was going left lol so I had to change my position and said sorry they were like no it’s okay. I’m always so used to say sorry for everything. I didn’t feel anything only that it took some strength to get that fucking wisdom teeth gone ๐Ÿ˜‚ That teeth was being mean haha but at the end the dentist won yeahhhh ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿคฃ Lucky man ๐Ÿ€ I saw it and he told me if I want to bring it home lol I said no way. Some people want to save it.

I didn’t even noticed the anesthesia at all. It was so smoothly all. In less than 15 minutes it was all down. I didn’t want that ๐Ÿฆท teeth so they threw it away ๐Ÿคฃ. I told them I love them very much and they said the same to me ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ญ. They said I was being really brave. Those words meant so much I could cry there. The dentist is also very handsome haha. That’s just a big plus ๐Ÿ’–. I’m not falling in love or am I lol cray cray ๐Ÿ˜‚. I would love to meet one day someone who would love me the way my dentist treated me today. I just want people in my life who treat me with kindness, compassion and understanding. I don’t ask for much more.

I have to go again next week to know if everything is okay and to know that I have no infections. I know it isn’t fun going to the dentist but maybe this experience will somehow also make me overcome this fear of the dentist. I feel like this is a learning like Yoga Girl would say. This is much more than just a wisdom teeth removal. This experience made me believe again in the good in people. I think in some way the universe is giving me all these experiences with good people to cover up all the bad experiences in the past like being bullied and having a broken heart.

Now, I got prescribed antibiotics, ibuprofen for pain and another medicine for darmflora because antibiotics can also have some side effects. I hope I won’t have too much pain and these meds will help ๐Ÿ™. I’m not a person who takes a lot of antibiotics. In The Netherlands they would not give you antibiotics. I also thought it’s strange to take that before I have an infection but it’s better. The health care system in Spain is really good and I love their professionality. I also love that it feels like you are talking with a friend lol ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’– I wouldn’t say in Holland that I love them so much. There you give the doctors a hand. Here my mother gave him two kisses wishing them happy new year ๐Ÿ˜‚๐ŸŽ‰. I think that also helps to decrease anxiety. I don’t like people being so serious. Life is already hard enough. We need more fun and laughs.

I don’t have to spit for a day and the meds I should take

Maybe this isn’t a big deal for some people but for me it is. I want to be real about my struggles in life online and in real life. I have been with this fear for so many years that I really feel a weight is off my shoulders. I know I’m not done with it but at least one ๐Ÿฆท is out byebye. I still have to get rid of three. Little by little they will be gone. This definitely increased my confidence. I’m so proud of myself. Anxiety didn’t win today. I won today ๐Ÿ’ช I called my daddy and he was really happy I went. I know my family wants best for us. He doesn’t want that I have an infection. Everything is well. I know my anxiety tells me so many stuff which isn’t true. At the end, this fear was worse than the thing itself. It’s always the same but that’s anxiety. I thought even that I was going to die or have a panic attack but nothing happened.

I’m thankful that there exists people who are human, understanding and have compassion because that’s really what this world needs ๐ŸŒ. We need more kind people. Kindness is never a weakness but a strength. I’m not afraid anymore to show my sensitivity because it’s makes me human. I know that there always will be good people ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–

I’m also so thankful for all the people who have always been there for me, my good friends, my family, all the people I met online like my lovely bloggers, pen pals, people from The Yoga Girl Community and The Goddess community. I couldn’t have done this without all of you. Thank you for your endless support. We can achieve anything we want with the help of others. We are never alone ๐Ÿ’– I’m so blessed to have you all in my life. We are all in this together ๐Ÿ’ช

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also have a fear which you keep postponing? Do you also had to get rid of a wisdom teeth? What do think of my story? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I’m so done people making choices for me

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I prepared another blog post but I think it has to wait. I really need to share my feelings and thoughts and I can only do it here in my safe space ๐Ÿ™. I’m in Spain right now and again I feel so bad. It feels like every time I’m in Spain now I get a mental breakdown ๐Ÿ˜ข. It’s horrible because it’s my fav place ever and I’m always so happy to be here. It’s heartbreaking that I’m again so sad, so anxious and so angry. I don’t want to feel bad in Spain again. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. It’s about people making choices for me. I’m sorry if this post is depressing but it’s just how I’m feeling. It’s also always when I feel the worst that I can speak the truth out loud in an authentic and vulnerable way. Maybe it will help others too who are feeling the same way. At the end, we all feel the same things just at different times. The picture below is me crying so hard. I just want to be really honest about that. Maybe it’s a cry of help but it just feels good to share on here.

The flight went well except that we had to walk so much because our luggage was in a different terminal. I’m exhausted from the trip to be honest. We ate some delicious pasta from the airplane, a bread with jamรณn serrano and I ate some delicious ๐Ÿ˜‹ yoghurt ice cream with smarties. We took the train to our home from Madrid. The bad stuff began when we talked with my family in The Netherlands.

I had an appointment for going to the dentist a few days ago in the afternoon and my mother in the morning for control. My family didn’t forget that and my mother said I wasn’t going that day but another day. I’m really exhausted. Then my family said well if you don’t go and come back to Holland then I will make an appointment to go there in the hospital. In Holland you can’t just go to a clinic or private thing because they aren’t specialized with getting wisdom teeth out. It cost more and you have to go to the hospital ๐Ÿฅ. The hospital makes me even more scared.

I said okay and we hang up. It was then when I felt so angry, anxious and sad. I can still feel my heart beating so fast ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ˜” I told my mother the most horrible things like I want to be dead. I wanted to run away and never come back. I slammed the doors so hard. Thank God nothing broke. I still feel bad. It’s not only the dentist thing which triggers me. It’s always people making decisions and choices for me in my life. Saying when I have to go to the dentist. Having to do things I don’t want to. I often do it because I’m a people pleaser. It’s not good. I’m so done with it. I’m always anxious of people being angry at me.

I don’t have the energy anymore. I really don’t. Yes of course I know I have to go to the dentist but just when I feel ready for it which is of course never because it’s a real phobia. I’m waiting for an infection silly me…. ๐Ÿ˜ข. I know our family wants the best for us but not in a good way sometimes. You can’t just force someone. I just would like to feel that sense of having some control over my life. Now I feel that others control my life. I feel obligated to go. It isn’t healthy for me that lack of control over my own life. It’s draining me.

Also clearly some people doesn’t understand my anxiety or any other mental illnesses. It’s so hard to feel so many feelings when someone just don’t understand you. I now I have to calm down but I feel like I don’t want to speak to anyone anymore. I don’t want to see anyone. How can I live my own life when I still feel others have so much influence on me? A few years ago I went to a mental health worker for anxiety and she told me that some people have too much influence on me. I really do love them all but I think she’s right because I just feel like I can’t make my own decisions which at the end makes me so unhappy and anxious in life. It’s important to be able to make your own decisions and live life the way you want.

I know I really have to go to the dentist but it’s just a big phobia I have. I don’t know how to overcome it. At the end all worries are in our mind and it’s nothing like I expect it. Then some people will say you see, you were afraid of nothing. Well, yes but that’s because I suffer from anxiety. That’s also the reason I don’t know if therapy would work for me because my family isn’t in favor of that. I also don’t know if that would benefit me. I just know that after 26 years living on this earth ๐ŸŒŽ it’s time for me to make decisions on my own.

Maybe, I also overreact now much more because I’m so exhausted and didn’t sleep well and enough last night. I also feel so lonely lately. I feel like some friends don’t understand me as well and ignore me. I get angry so easily. I’m not doing okay again and it hurts. I don’t want to see people who don’t care about me. I feel also like I’m hurting my mom which is the one I love the most in this life. It breaks my heart to see her suffering because of me ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข. I don’t want to die of course but I also don’t want to feel like this and live life this way because it hurts me.

Thank you for reading this post. I hope it made any sense. Sorry for the rant. I don’t even know why I’m always apologizing for feeling my feelings. I’m here for you all too โค๏ธ What do you think of all of this? Any advice? Do you also feel like others decide decisions for you in your life? I would really appreciate any thoughts, messages or advice ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™.

Love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

We meet everyone for a reason โœจ

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Good news! โ˜บ๏ธ I feel somehow much better than some weeks ago were I really didn’t see the light at all and felt hopeless in life. It sounds pretty depressing but feeling anxious 24/7, feeling like you can’t breath, being nauseous all the time is really a hell. I hate anxiety so much ๐Ÿ˜ญ. It strange that I feel better now here I’m here in Holland because I’m always happier in Spain. To be honest, I never felt so low, depressed and anxious in Spain. I think because I associate it with going to the dentist which I didn’t do. I know it wasn’t a good idea to isolate myself for more than a week at home. In this blog post I will tell you about someone special I met on the airplane โœˆ๏ธ back to Holland from Spain. I will tell you also some other travel stories. Oh how I love travelling ๐ŸŒ. It’s the best and on those moments I can distract myself from my anxiety and meet people who really will change my life. I have to document these moments here on my blog because I’m afraid that otherwise I won’t remember them anymore. They are too precious to forget about them. In the moments that I felt so bad I even thought about not blogging anymore for a time but then I thought that would be a loss because that’s what I love to do the most. I have to keep doing the things I love to do or I would feel worse. Everything which brings me positivity is important to do ๐Ÿ’ซ.

So before I talk about the flight of a week ago back to Holland I want to talk about the flight I took in September. I was in Spain ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ธ during the whole Summer and my mother and I got back to Holland in September. There was this guy sitting next to my mother in the other row who looked very friendly. He was around 36 years old. We had such good talks. He talked about how I could maybe find a job in Holland in a Dutch company and from there find a job in Spain. He said that I didn’t have to be insecure. He was Spanish and was working and living in The Netherlands. He gave me so much inspiration and so much good vibes, just what I needed in that moment. He told me that he was bullied too at school just like me. He told me that I’m a smart girl which can speak three languages: Spanish, English and Dutch and also graduated my studies. I know he is right about that. It’s just that I always feel so insecure and have a low self esteem. I guess that’s because of anxiety too. I never know what to do when people compliment me or say that I’m pretty. I got his FB but now never spoke again to him. I really liked talking to him with my mother.

Then I went again to Spain a few weeks ago with my mother. I was sitting next to a girl from Uruguay. I also have her Instagram now, haha I hope people don’t think I’m desperate to meet new people. This is just me being myself. My mother is also social as I’m. I’m not that girl who loves to isolate herself. It’s what my mental illness does to me. We talked a lot about the world, her country and my countries. We had such a nice talk. I always love to talk to people from different countries as we can learn so much from them.

So a week ago, we travelled back from Spain to Holland. I’ve never been that anxious to travel even though I’m always scared of flying. It’s just because I have felt so low all this time. I took valium many nights to sleep and also a bit for flying. I was just so afraid of having a panic attack and of course that didn’t happen. Most things we fear don’t happen, it’s just our minds which are playing tricks with us. Before we were at the airport we met a lovely woman at the train station. She talked about the political situation in Spain and said she is a journalist. She even gave her number to us and said that whenever we are in Madrid again we can drink something with her. Things like this always remind me of how many good people there are in this world โค๏ธ๐ŸŒ.

Later at the airport my mother saw a man who she knew from when she was working as a stewardess in a Spanish airline. He was working in the cafe we ordered a salad. What another beautiful coincidence was that I met my lovely Spanish teachers at the gate where I was waiting with my mother to fly to Holland. They came back in the same airplane and were just about to go to a conference. I didn’t see them anymore since I graduated my studies European Studies. I love them all so much ๐Ÿ’ž. I really miss that feeling of being a student in my life right now because I feel lost now in the big world. I told them something about being anxious and they told me that I’m a smart girl and that every little step is a step forward. I could also keep networking. I know finding a job in Spain is more difficult than in Holland as there’s more unemployment in Spain and for jobs in the public sector you need to pass a difficult exam which can take years. They still remembered how I spoke at the United Nations and did my internship at the University of Valladolid. We took a selfie and they would show it to another teacher which I also love so much.

Now comes the most important story I wanted to tell from the first place. I hope I didn’t ramble way too much haha ๐Ÿ˜‚. A week ago was the best flight I have ever had in my life because of someone special I met. You all know I’m a romantic and highly sensitive girl. I make up so many stories in my mind which is how I imagine the world to be, that rainbow coloured world where people are happy, flowers blossom and the sun is always shining ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒˆ. That is the world which only exists in movies, books or in my mind. It’s pretty curious because maybe a week before I already dreamt of meeting a boy sitting next to me in the airplane. So I was already nervious thinking who is going to sit next to me at the window seat when a guy was going to sit next to me. We immediately begin to talk with no end. My mother also talked to him and find him very friendly and open.

It was one the most intense, beautiful, honest and inspiring talks I’ve ever had in my life โœจ. I have had some really good talks in my life with people I love but with a stranger who you just met in the airplane not. This guy was so lovely, so cute and just so amazing ๐Ÿ˜. Can you fall in love at first sight? ๐Ÿ’˜ I know I’m always so intense and have to be careful to not get my heart broken again but this connection we had in those few hours was so strong. We looked at each other many times. He listened carefully to what I had to say and me too. We talked about our lifes. He smiled a lot. We laughed a lot and made jokes. It’s in times that I haven’t felt such a strong connection with someone. He is an artist, 33 years old and works and study in the film industry ๐ŸŽฌ. He has to travel a lot and goes to film events to present his documentaries. I find all of that so interesting. I love creative people with an open mind.

He loved my bracelets and touched them. We talked about our exes and everything. I’m always so open and sometimes that can be bad but I guess this day it was okay because he was also so open about everything, political view, his life and values. The way he looked at me made me nervous as I really felt such a strong attraction. It’s been so long that I didn’t have felt that. What I also loved about this guy is that he was honest and seemed sensitive. He also reminded me of a friend of me in Spain. He made me feel so calm and so peaceful. When I told him about how my ex wanted that I had to wear high heels because that would make me confident as he said, he said that it was wrong to change someone. He is so right because for me wearing high heels makes me feel unconfident.

Then we also talked about where he came from which is Basque country. I have my Spanish family living there too. We both had long distance relationships. Everything was such a coincidence and we seemed so similar as I’m also creative. He told me about that he also enjoyed surfing and swimming in the ocean. What I loved the most about our talk was when we began to talk about spirituality. I’m so in to that and not all my friends are. Since I’m reading the book “To love and let go” from Yoga Girl, I’m even more into that. I don’t think I believe in all things but I love astrology, the law of attraction and I believe the universe gives us what we want at the moment we need it ๐Ÿ™. He was talking about Ayahuasca ceremony. I don’t think I would ever try it as I think it would be dangerous for a person suffering from a mental illness. He told me I could do that but I didn’t told him all about my anxiety. It’s a kind of tea you drink where you go through a spiritual journey. You feel like you are going to die and then at the end you find the light again. I also read that in the book of Yoga Girl. It sounds very intense and it would make me so anxious to be honest.

This guy also told me that he did a tarrot reading. I always was very skeptical of it but somehow I feel like I could believe in it a bit. He told me he was an Emperor and that means that he likes to make feel people safe and make his dreams come true. I told him that once I was told to be a Mediator or helper and he said that fits me well. He is also an aquarius โ™’ as zodiac sign and I’m geminis and I know that those zodiac signs are compatible. A friend of him also told him that he could get along well with geminis โ™Š. I really like to believe in that.

I just felt so in the moment during this beautiful talk. I wish the flight would never have ended. I always get attached so much to people. I have his number and wrote him a message that it was nice to meet him and sent him some pictures we made. I really do hope we will meet each other again as he lives in Amsterdam until next Summer. He gave me a kiss on the cheek which is a normal Spanish way of greeting and also a hug. I never felt such a strong connection with someone. I do believe we meet all the people in life for a reason. They will teach us something. He texted me back a few days later and said he loved to have met me in the airplane too. He said seldom you find such honest and genuine people like me. He is thankful to have met me and also thanks me for the pictures I sent him. I also sent him a text back a few days later and told him the same. I also said that if he ever wants to meet up he can say that to me. The thing is, I also don’t want to be needy or obsessive as I can be really intense. I learned that from being in a relationship with my first love and other crushes. I do believe that whatever will be, will be. We don’t have to force anything. Anything which is meant to come into your life will come without forcing situations.

This universe is beautiful ๐ŸŒŒโœจ. This life is beautiful. I’m just so thankful for these special moments as they come in the moments I most need them. It’s like the universe is saying to me that my story isn’t over yet and that I can be happy and that good things will come my way. I really also know that I don’t have to get my hopes up but I just feel this fuzzy and warm feeling in my heart. I’m so thankful for everything. Thank you life for the hard and beautiful lessons. It reminds me that we are all here for a reason. I need to believe more in the universe and let it unfold itself. Stop controlling. Letting life flow. I just feel my heart full of gold right now ๐ŸŒŸ.

“I believe in the good things coming ๐Ÿ’•”

Thank you all for reading this inspiring and long post. I felt very inspired to write this. What do you think of all of this? Do you believe we meet people for a reason? Are you a spiritual person? Do you believe in love at first sight? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Struggling so much with my mental health ๐Ÿ˜ข

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I’m always honest and 100% vulnerable about my journey of mental health especially on my blog like I said in this blog post. In real life it’s much more difficult to be open about it because I still feel not everyone understands it. There is still a taboo surrounding mental health. People are getting more open but it will still take a lot of time for people to understand that we can get physically but also mentally ill and that there’s no shame to admit that we are struggling. It takes a lot of courage to be open so that’s what I’m going to do right now in this post. I will tell you how I’m feeling because letting these words out make me at least feel less alone. Even writing all of this takes me too much effort ๐Ÿ˜ข.

So, to be honest I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel so hopeless. I’m not okay. I can’t see any point of living anymore in life. I feel like I’m getting depressed. I’m not in danger because I know I never would do something to harm me. I’m just exhausted to go through life while feeling anxious for everything I have to face all the time. I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. I know maybe asking for help would help. I just don’t know if therapy would really help me because I keep thinking of the time I had some form of therapy, 7 sessions and had to vomit every time and my anxiety even got worse…. I still have anti anxiety medication at home from when I got it subscribed by the doctor in Spain. My mother uses diazepam which she also sometimes can give me when I feel really bad. I know the medication benzodiazepines can be addictive but when you use it whenever you need it I guess it’s okay. I mean why are people always saying those bad and negative stuff about using medication for a mental illness when there are people taking medication for their physical health every day? There has to be no difference in this.

I know I’m doing bad because I don’t leave the house often. I can’t sleep good at night and my routine is a mess. I get anxious outside sometimes seeing so much people. Last week I went to a shopping mall and I got anxious in the bus twice. It felt like I couldn’t breath. I was happy to go outside the bus and walk home with my mother. I’m just always so afraid to get a panic attack because it’s the worst. I don’t want to go through that again. The thing is that the more I worry about that, the more it will likely to happen I think. I’m just so anxious about going to the dentist. I think that’s also now the underlying reason of all my anxiety. I keep postponing it when I have an appointment next month in Spain. I’m the most afraid to loose control and to experience a panic attack. I’m so done with experiencing the waves of anxiety. I’m still struggling with finding a job too as I don’t know how to face people and get only rejections. I just want to hide in my bed under a blanket forever. Unfortunately, I know that can’t happen but I still do it most of the time.

I really don’t know what to do to move forward in my life. I lost my hope and will to live. I’m not in crisis and I know I won’t do anything to harm myself. I just don’t know how to come out of this black hole I’m in. Anxiety keeps me from doing the things I love which means following my dreams. My whole existence cause me anxiety. Sometimes I experience anxiety for no reason. I could sit on a chair watching tv and feel that knot in my stomach and that sense of fear. It’s so hard to live your life that way. People sometimes ask me what gives me anxiety and the answer to that question is everything, this life. Sometimes I think anxiety is part of me but I have to know that I have it and that it’s not part of my personality but sometimes it feels that way.

Last night I experienced one of the worst moments of suffering from anxiety. I felt nauseous and was afraid to throw up. That always cause me even more anxiety because I keep thinking no don’t throw up. I had cold and hot flashes. I felt so bad, so bad. I deactivated FB again as social media only give me more anxiety right now and can’t deal with it. I wrote a message on FB of how I was doing and got some nice caring comments from people I care about but my heart was beating so fast then because I’m afraid to open up to people who know me. Here on this blog it’s different. At the end, I slept in my mother’s bed because there I feel more safe with her. I also took valium 4mg which she also takes. It helpt me feeling more calm and be able to sleep. I could finally sleep 11 hours. I just don’t know how to travel back to Holland in a few days in this state. I’m so afraid to get a panic attack or feel this way because it feels like I’m dying. Of course, I know it isn’t true but it’s just the worst thought. My mother already said how powerful our minds are. It’s so scary to be honest ๐Ÿ˜ข. I wish to buy new funcional brains. If someone knows where to buy them, I will buy them in a quick second even if they have to come from Ebay China lol ๐Ÿ˜‚

I’m also a highly sensitive person who suffer from anxiety. It gets harder because I’m already so sensitive for everything. I suffer and cry more but I also love more. I can cry about everything. I get hurt easily when someone says a mean comment. I overthink a lot. I also empathize much more to other people, care about others and love deeper. I’m compassionate and creative. There are a lot of good things I also am but right now I focus too much on the negative things like I can’t do anything right in life.

Yesterday I listened to a podcast of Yoga Girl which was very inspiring and interesting. It was about how this world always value a person when we produce something. If you are working and producing to society you are worthy of love. It feels like we have to be worthy and to be seen when we are succeeding. There is so much wrong in that. I really do wish I could live a life I’m happy of and work in a job which I love but honestly right now I can’t because I’m sick. Capitalism is just so bad. We have to know that we are always worthy of love and that we aren’t alone. We are not what we produce. What matters is not what I do but who I’m. Those words of Yoga Girl sticked in my head and it relates well to this blog post. We are so much more than our jobs, the things we do in life. We are a person with feelings. We are human and we deserve all the love. We are not less than someone else just because we aren’t studying/working because we are physically, mentally or chronically ill. It’s not our fault.

I really wish to get better one day as it’s so exhausting to go through life while feeling anxious all the time. Recovery isn’t lineal and takes a lot of time. I just really don’t like to feel nauseous, dizzy, feeling like I can’t breath or feeling like I have no control over my body and mind. I also believe from what I said earlier that it’s okay to take a break from life. It’s okay to not study/work when you are ill. You deserve to take a rest. Nowadays it seems like being busy is the most important thing in life because of capitalism. It’s all about buying and doing when we just forget to live, to be still and present with our feelings and thoughts.

Always remember, we aren’t alone. We are all in this together. No matter how though life gets we will get through the other end. We will see the light after all the darkness. One step at a time.

Thank you all for reading this honest post about how I’m doing right now ๐Ÿ˜ข. It took me a lot of courage to write this post. What would you advice me to do? What do you do in hard times? How are you feeling right now? I’m always here for you all. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina