I just want to be truly happy

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I need to write some thoughts I have lately on my mind down here. I always am 100% honest and vulnerable because this is my safe space. I’m so thankful for all your support and for all of you being there for me ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’–. It means the most to me. Right now, I just don’t feel okay. It’s not like that I feel really bad but I’m also not feeling really good. It’s a strange feeling. I also have headaches and can’t wait to soak up some sunshine ๐ŸŒž when I will go again to Spain in two months. This grey and rainy weather affects my mood and mental health so much ๐Ÿ˜ข. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. I hope I’m not the only one feeling this way.

I feel lonely lately because I don’t leave the house much and if I leave the house I just go to the park or go shopping with my mother. I don’t see my friends a lot ๐Ÿ˜ข. I feel isolated and bored. They are all busy. I just see some friends here or in Spain a few times in a month. Sometimes I feel I do all the effort in friendship/relationships. I’m so done with that because I can’t do that anymore. I’m a highly sensitive person and all my life I have felt that I love and do more for others than people do for me. I’m the helper. I’m the fixer. It’s nice to help others but I also would love that people do the same for me. Of course, I’m so thankful for my family especially my mother and my good friends in real life and online who are always there for me ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™Œ.

I just wish to meet more people in real life too. I want to share my struggles and open up. I love to do it here online but sharing your stuff with a person face to face is the most vulnerable thing ever. It’s so good to do that and I really miss that right now in my life ๐Ÿ˜”. I love my pen pals, blogging friends and friends I know from the Yoga Girl community but those are all people living far away from me. I really would love to be able to teletransport myself so that we could be together having fun and talking about real life topics. I know one day that dream will become true even though it may cost some time ๐Ÿ™โœจ.

I also just feel like I’m just floating or trying to survive in life. I feel lost for so many years already and I just can’t see how to go out of that space. Lately I feel bored, uninspired and so tired about everything. I’m happy I faced my fear of going to the dentist last month in Spain but I still need to get three wisdom teeth out ๐Ÿฆท. I still need to face that fear three times more. I still need to get a job which just doesn’t seem to go well with me. I thought of maybe teaching kids English or Spanish. Life just feels like a never ending struggle. As I’m reading right now Looking for Alaska I feel that kind of struggle. It’s hard to feel it and to be in this space.

I also know that what I want from life is just to be truly happy. I want to be happy with myself. I have spend so many years being my own enemy that I’m done with it. It’s just to hard to heal in that way because whenever I feel anxious I doubt myself and say the worst things about myself. My inner-critic becomes loud and says that I’m not worth it, that I’m lazy for not having a job, that I’m not loved by anyone and that eventually everyone will leave me. This of course only makes me feel worse. Being bullied in high school caused me to have anxiety and these kinds of thoughts too. I have to listen more to my inner-bestfriend who tells me that I’m loved, worth it and that my worth has nothing to do whether I’m productive or not.

I also feel like I wouldn’t be happy with a 9 to 5 life or a routine. I feel like I would feel bored in one second. I want more out of life. I love adventure, travelling and meeting people which is sometimes a contrast of me having anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t form part of my personality even though sometimes I think it does because that voice gets so loud. The thing is that I have so many dreams but just never know how to make them happen because of insecurities, anxiety and just have no clue to make it all work. I would love to write a book ๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ“–, travel the world ๐ŸŒ, be able to surf the waves ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ๐ŸŒŠ and sometimes I even thought of being a singer. However, then I thought oh no that’s nothing for me because I don’t like attention. I don’t know if I would be happy if I would be famous.

Sometimes I love to isolate myself, hide myself, do yoga or meditation and just read books, write for my blog and write letters to my friends. There are also days that I like to go out, go to concerts with my friends and just have fun. I can be all of those things and don’t have to choose between one of another. I just wish I could really speak up more in real life and let myself seen. I have still a hard time doing that. I know it will make me happier in the long term.

Maybe we all know nothing of life and we are just trying to look like we have our life together when we don’t. Social media doesn’t give you a real view of what real life is. Sometimes I think of deleting it all as I tend to compare myself to others so much which ends up in feeling depressed and anxious of not having achieved certain milestones in life such as having a job, being married, having children and owning a car and a home. Then I always think to myself, is that what life is about? When you have all of that you are suppose to be “happy”. I really don’t know if all of that would make me happy to be honest.

Life for me is all about experiences, travels and connecting with wonderful people. I think what we miss right now in this society is trully being connected with someone and sharing our feelings. What I need right now is to be able to share my feelings and thoughts with someone. We all need to be able to laugh, cry, get a hug and have a real life connection. With the rise of social media this lack of connection is becoming a more serious issue. I love blogging and I love writing letters because the connection with someone is much stronger than writing a stupid whatsapp message. The next best thing is of course seeing that person. Maybe, that’s why I feel lonely too this month. I just wish that I can find my own happiness in life and achieve my dreams ๐ŸŒ . We all deserve to be happy. Anxiety will never win. I have to believe in myself more and know that I will achieve my dreams. Thank you all for always being there for me because really that means the most to me. One day I will give you the biggest hug ever. I love you all so much ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ’ž.

Thank you all for reading my blog post. I hope you liked it and it inspired you in some way. Do you also feel lost in life sometimes? How do you deal with it? Do you miss connection in your life too? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I faced my fear of going to the dentist for my wisdom teeth removal ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿฆท

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’ž,

This blog post is going to be so important for me because I have had this fear for three years almost and kept postponing it. This blog post is about my wisdom teeth removal which happened today ๐Ÿฆท. While my mother is sleeping and I’m resting in bad I’m writing this blog post. I’m also crying because I feel so relieved. I’m so proud of myself.

So today I faced one of my biggest fears in life which is going to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth out ๐Ÿฆท. One of them is out now. Still three to go but at least this is done. Gotta love Spanish dentists who understand my anxiety and who are just so lovely. Also never mind my face is big because of the anesthesia. You can see that on the picture below. I basically had no choice to go today because I don’t want anyone forcing me in Holland. It’s more expensive there and they also do it in the hospital. I find hospitals even more scary ๐Ÿ˜ข. It reminds me when my dad was there and almost died.

I got a trauma from going to the dentist for a root canal treatment in The Netherlands because I got called childish and 15 years old. That resulted in me having a panic attack. That’s not a good way to treat your patients. I know they are not all like that but that experience just made me soooo anxious. There are good and bad dentists and doctors everywhere. You just have to find the right one. Finding one you can trust is so important ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿคž It really makes you more calm which is exactly what I need. That’s the most important thing.

I was so anxious the past days. I couldn’t sleep well last night and kept feeling anxious and nauseous. Today I woke up crying and really didn’t want to go but I know I had to. It’s bad when a fear is keeping you from living your life for so long. It’s been three years and it’s a miracle that I didn’t have any infections just yet. My mother said today that they changed the appointment to 4 o’clock in the afternoon instead of 7 o’clock in the afternoon. In fact it was much better because I always wake up so late so it would make me have less time worrying, crying and being anxious. I almost didn’t eat because I didn’t want to vomit because of anxiety. I drank water, some cookies and that’s it. I also took half of Valium ๐Ÿ’Š.

I’m SO happy I went here in Spain. They are understanding and know how to deal with people who have anxiety. I took anti anxiety meds before. When I arrived at the clinic today they gave me a tila which is a Spanish tea to calm you down ๐Ÿต. I was like wow what a service thank you so much. Then they said the dentist wasn’t still there haha he was eating, lol typical Spanish times ๐Ÿ˜‚ Then it was time for me to do it. I almost didn’t felt the anesthesia. I remember from Holland that I felt it. They also give me something to squeeze haha a little shark ๐Ÿฆˆ . They calmed me down with some breathing exercises like breathing slowly. This definitely helps so much. I tasted something like pepermint which was nice. I closed my eyes too which was better they said. It was the dentist and a woman who helped him. They were both so friendly.

Then they said I would feel like a bee ๐Ÿ was pricking me but I almost felt nothing. That was done and then the dentist took the teeth away. My head was going left lol so I had to change my position and said sorry they were like no it’s okay. I’m always so used to say sorry for everything. I didn’t feel anything only that it took some strength to get that fucking wisdom teeth gone ๐Ÿ˜‚ That teeth was being mean haha but at the end the dentist won yeahhhh ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿคฃ Lucky man ๐Ÿ€ I saw it and he told me if I want to bring it home lol I said no way. Some people want to save it.

I didn’t even noticed the anesthesia at all. It was so smoothly all. In less than 15 minutes it was all down. I didn’t want that ๐Ÿฆท teeth so they threw it away ๐Ÿคฃ. I told them I love them very much and they said the same to me ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ญ. They said I was being really brave. Those words meant so much I could cry there. The dentist is also very handsome haha. That’s just a big plus ๐Ÿ’–. I’m not falling in love or am I lol cray cray ๐Ÿ˜‚. I would love to meet one day someone who would love me the way my dentist treated me today. I just want people in my life who treat me with kindness, compassion and understanding. I don’t ask for much more.

I have to go again next week to know if everything is okay and to know that I have no infections. I know it isn’t fun going to the dentist but maybe this experience will somehow also make me overcome this fear of the dentist. I feel like this is a learning like Yoga Girl would say. This is much more than just a wisdom teeth removal. This experience made me believe again in the good in people. I think in some way the universe is giving me all these experiences with good people to cover up all the bad experiences in the past like being bullied and having a broken heart.

Now, I got prescribed antibiotics, ibuprofen for pain and another medicine for darmflora because antibiotics can also have some side effects. I hope I won’t have too much pain and these meds will help ๐Ÿ™. I’m not a person who takes a lot of antibiotics. In The Netherlands they would not give you antibiotics. I also thought it’s strange to take that before I have an infection but it’s better. The health care system in Spain is really good and I love their professionality. I also love that it feels like you are talking with a friend lol ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’– I wouldn’t say in Holland that I love them so much. There you give the doctors a hand. Here my mother gave him two kisses wishing them happy new year ๐Ÿ˜‚๐ŸŽ‰. I think that also helps to decrease anxiety. I don’t like people being so serious. Life is already hard enough. We need more fun and laughs.

I don’t have to spit for a day and the meds I should take

Maybe this isn’t a big deal for some people but for me it is. I want to be real about my struggles in life online and in real life. I have been with this fear for so many years that I really feel a weight is off my shoulders. I know I’m not done with it but at least one ๐Ÿฆท is out byebye. I still have to get rid of three. Little by little they will be gone. This definitely increased my confidence. I’m so proud of myself. Anxiety didn’t win today. I won today ๐Ÿ’ช I called my daddy and he was really happy I went. I know my family wants best for us. He doesn’t want that I have an infection. Everything is well. I know my anxiety tells me so many stuff which isn’t true. At the end, this fear was worse than the thing itself. It’s always the same but that’s anxiety. I thought even that I was going to die or have a panic attack but nothing happened.

I’m thankful that there exists people who are human, understanding and have compassion because that’s really what this world needs ๐ŸŒ. We need more kind people. Kindness is never a weakness but a strength. I’m not afraid anymore to show my sensitivity because it’s makes me human. I know that there always will be good people ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–

I’m also so thankful for all the people who have always been there for me, my good friends, my family, all the people I met online like my lovely bloggers, pen pals, people from The Yoga Girl Community and The Goddess community. I couldn’t have done this without all of you. Thank you for your endless support. We can achieve anything we want with the help of others. We are never alone ๐Ÿ’– I’m so blessed to have you all in my life. We are all in this together ๐Ÿ’ช

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also have a fear which you keep postponing? Do you also had to get rid of a wisdom teeth? What do think of my story? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I’m so done people making choices for me

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I prepared another blog post but I think it has to wait. I really need to share my feelings and thoughts and I can only do it here in my safe space ๐Ÿ™. I’m in Spain right now and again I feel so bad. It feels like every time I’m in Spain now I get a mental breakdown ๐Ÿ˜ข. It’s horrible because it’s my fav place ever and I’m always so happy to be here. It’s heartbreaking that I’m again so sad, so anxious and so angry. I don’t want to feel bad in Spain again. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. It’s about people making choices for me. I’m sorry if this post is depressing but it’s just how I’m feeling. It’s also always when I feel the worst that I can speak the truth out loud in an authentic and vulnerable way. Maybe it will help others too who are feeling the same way. At the end, we all feel the same things just at different times. The picture below is me crying so hard. I just want to be really honest about that. Maybe it’s a cry of help but it just feels good to share on here.

The flight went well except that we had to walk so much because our luggage was in a different terminal. I’m exhausted from the trip to be honest. We ate some delicious pasta from the airplane, a bread with jamรณn serrano and I ate some delicious ๐Ÿ˜‹ yoghurt ice cream with smarties. We took the train to our home from Madrid. The bad stuff began when we talked with my family in The Netherlands.

I had an appointment for going to the dentist a few days ago in the afternoon and my mother in the morning for control. My family didn’t forget that and my mother said I wasn’t going that day but another day. I’m really exhausted. Then my family said well if you don’t go and come back to Holland then I will make an appointment to go there in the hospital. In Holland you can’t just go to a clinic or private thing because they aren’t specialized with getting wisdom teeth out. It cost more and you have to go to the hospital ๐Ÿฅ. The hospital makes me even more scared.

I said okay and we hang up. It was then when I felt so angry, anxious and sad. I can still feel my heart beating so fast ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ˜” I told my mother the most horrible things like I want to be dead. I wanted to run away and never come back. I slammed the doors so hard. Thank God nothing broke. I still feel bad. It’s not only the dentist thing which triggers me. It’s always people making decisions and choices for me in my life. Saying when I have to go to the dentist. Having to do things I don’t want to. I often do it because I’m a people pleaser. It’s not good. I’m so done with it. I’m always anxious of people being angry at me.

I don’t have the energy anymore. I really don’t. Yes of course I know I have to go to the dentist but just when I feel ready for it which is of course never because it’s a real phobia. I’m waiting for an infection silly me…. ๐Ÿ˜ข. I know our family wants the best for us but not in a good way sometimes. You can’t just force someone. I just would like to feel that sense of having some control over my life. Now I feel that others control my life. I feel obligated to go. It isn’t healthy for me that lack of control over my own life. It’s draining me.

Also clearly some people doesn’t understand my anxiety or any other mental illnesses. It’s so hard to feel so many feelings when someone just don’t understand you. I now I have to calm down but I feel like I don’t want to speak to anyone anymore. I don’t want to see anyone. How can I live my own life when I still feel others have so much influence on me? A few years ago I went to a mental health worker for anxiety and she told me that some people have too much influence on me. I really do love them all but I think she’s right because I just feel like I can’t make my own decisions which at the end makes me so unhappy and anxious in life. It’s important to be able to make your own decisions and live life the way you want.

I know I really have to go to the dentist but it’s just a big phobia I have. I don’t know how to overcome it. At the end all worries are in our mind and it’s nothing like I expect it. Then some people will say you see, you were afraid of nothing. Well, yes but that’s because I suffer from anxiety. That’s also the reason I don’t know if therapy would work for me because my family isn’t in favor of that. I also don’t know if that would benefit me. I just know that after 26 years living on this earth ๐ŸŒŽ it’s time for me to make decisions on my own.

Maybe, I also overreact now much more because I’m so exhausted and didn’t sleep well and enough last night. I also feel so lonely lately. I feel like some friends don’t understand me as well and ignore me. I get angry so easily. I’m not doing okay again and it hurts. I don’t want to see people who don’t care about me. I feel also like I’m hurting my mom which is the one I love the most in this life. It breaks my heart to see her suffering because of me ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข. I don’t want to die of course but I also don’t want to feel like this and live life this way because it hurts me.

Thank you for reading this post. I hope it made any sense. Sorry for the rant. I don’t even know why I’m always apologizing for feeling my feelings. I’m here for you all too โค๏ธ What do you think of all of this? Any advice? Do you also feel like others decide decisions for you in your life? I would really appreciate any thoughts, messages or advice ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™.

Love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

We meet everyone for a reason โœจ

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Good news! โ˜บ๏ธ I feel somehow much better than some weeks ago were I really didn’t see the light at all and felt hopeless in life. It sounds pretty depressing but feeling anxious 24/7, feeling like you can’t breath, being nauseous all the time is really a hell. I hate anxiety so much ๐Ÿ˜ญ. It strange that I feel better now here I’m here in Holland because I’m always happier in Spain. To be honest, I never felt so low, depressed and anxious in Spain. I think because I associate it with going to the dentist which I didn’t do. I know it wasn’t a good idea to isolate myself for more than a week at home. In this blog post I will tell you about someone special I met on the airplane โœˆ๏ธ back to Holland from Spain. I will tell you also some other travel stories. Oh how I love travelling ๐ŸŒ. It’s the best and on those moments I can distract myself from my anxiety and meet people who really will change my life. I have to document these moments here on my blog because I’m afraid that otherwise I won’t remember them anymore. They are too precious to forget about them. In the moments that I felt so bad I even thought about not blogging anymore for a time but then I thought that would be a loss because that’s what I love to do the most. I have to keep doing the things I love to do or I would feel worse. Everything which brings me positivity is important to do ๐Ÿ’ซ.

So before I talk about the flight of a week ago back to Holland I want to talk about the flight I took in September. I was in Spain ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ธ during the whole Summer and my mother and I got back to Holland in September. There was this guy sitting next to my mother in the other row who looked very friendly. He was around 36 years old. We had such good talks. He talked about how I could maybe find a job in Holland in a Dutch company and from there find a job in Spain. He said that I didn’t have to be insecure. He was Spanish and was working and living in The Netherlands. He gave me so much inspiration and so much good vibes, just what I needed in that moment. He told me that he was bullied too at school just like me. He told me that I’m a smart girl which can speak three languages: Spanish, English and Dutch and also graduated my studies. I know he is right about that. It’s just that I always feel so insecure and have a low self esteem. I guess that’s because of anxiety too. I never know what to do when people compliment me or say that I’m pretty. I got his FB but now never spoke again to him. I really liked talking to him with my mother.

Then I went again to Spain a few weeks ago with my mother. I was sitting next to a girl from Uruguay. I also have her Instagram now, haha I hope people don’t think I’m desperate to meet new people. This is just me being myself. My mother is also social as I’m. I’m not that girl who loves to isolate herself. It’s what my mental illness does to me. We talked a lot about the world, her country and my countries. We had such a nice talk. I always love to talk to people from different countries as we can learn so much from them.

So a week ago, we travelled back from Spain to Holland. I’ve never been that anxious to travel even though I’m always scared of flying. It’s just because I have felt so low all this time. I took valium many nights to sleep and also a bit for flying. I was just so afraid of having a panic attack and of course that didn’t happen. Most things we fear don’t happen, it’s just our minds which are playing tricks with us. Before we were at the airport we met a lovely woman at the train station. She talked about the political situation in Spain and said she is a journalist. She even gave her number to us and said that whenever we are in Madrid again we can drink something with her. Things like this always remind me of how many good people there are in this world โค๏ธ๐ŸŒ.

Later at the airport my mother saw a man who she knew from when she was working as a stewardess in a Spanish airline. He was working in the cafe we ordered a salad. What another beautiful coincidence was that I met my lovely Spanish teachers at the gate where I was waiting with my mother to fly to Holland. They came back in the same airplane and were just about to go to a conference. I didn’t see them anymore since I graduated my studies European Studies. I love them all so much ๐Ÿ’ž. I really miss that feeling of being a student in my life right now because I feel lost now in the big world. I told them something about being anxious and they told me that I’m a smart girl and that every little step is a step forward. I could also keep networking. I know finding a job in Spain is more difficult than in Holland as there’s more unemployment in Spain and for jobs in the public sector you need to pass a difficult exam which can take years. They still remembered how I spoke at the United Nations and did my internship at the University of Valladolid. We took a selfie and they would show it to another teacher which I also love so much.

Now comes the most important story I wanted to tell from the first place. I hope I didn’t ramble way too much haha ๐Ÿ˜‚. A week ago was the best flight I have ever had in my life because of someone special I met. You all know I’m a romantic and highly sensitive girl. I make up so many stories in my mind which is how I imagine the world to be, that rainbow coloured world where people are happy, flowers blossom and the sun is always shining ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒˆ. That is the world which only exists in movies, books or in my mind. It’s pretty curious because maybe a week before I already dreamt of meeting a boy sitting next to me in the airplane. So I was already nervious thinking who is going to sit next to me at the window seat when a guy was going to sit next to me. We immediately begin to talk with no end. My mother also talked to him and find him very friendly and open.

It was one the most intense, beautiful, honest and inspiring talks I’ve ever had in my life โœจ. I have had some really good talks in my life with people I love but with a stranger who you just met in the airplane not. This guy was so lovely, so cute and just so amazing ๐Ÿ˜. Can you fall in love at first sight? ๐Ÿ’˜ I know I’m always so intense and have to be careful to not get my heart broken again but this connection we had in those few hours was so strong. We looked at each other many times. He listened carefully to what I had to say and me too. We talked about our lifes. He smiled a lot. We laughed a lot and made jokes. It’s in times that I haven’t felt such a strong connection with someone. He is an artist, 33 years old and works and study in the film industry ๐ŸŽฌ. He has to travel a lot and goes to film events to present his documentaries. I find all of that so interesting. I love creative people with an open mind.

He loved my bracelets and touched them. We talked about our exes and everything. I’m always so open and sometimes that can be bad but I guess this day it was okay because he was also so open about everything, political view, his life and values. The way he looked at me made me nervous as I really felt such a strong attraction. It’s been so long that I didn’t have felt that. What I also loved about this guy is that he was honest and seemed sensitive. He also reminded me of a friend of me in Spain. He made me feel so calm and so peaceful. When I told him about how my ex wanted that I had to wear high heels because that would make me confident as he said, he said that it was wrong to change someone. He is so right because for me wearing high heels makes me feel unconfident.

Then we also talked about where he came from which is Basque country. I have my Spanish family living there too. We both had long distance relationships. Everything was such a coincidence and we seemed so similar as I’m also creative. He told me about that he also enjoyed surfing and swimming in the ocean. What I loved the most about our talk was when we began to talk about spirituality. I’m so in to that and not all my friends are. Since I’m reading the book “To love and let go” from Yoga Girl, I’m even more into that. I don’t think I believe in all things but I love astrology, the law of attraction and I believe the universe gives us what we want at the moment we need it ๐Ÿ™. He was talking about Ayahuasca ceremony. I don’t think I would ever try it as I think it would be dangerous for a person suffering from a mental illness. He told me I could do that but I didn’t told him all about my anxiety. It’s a kind of tea you drink where you go through a spiritual journey. You feel like you are going to die and then at the end you find the light again. I also read that in the book of Yoga Girl. It sounds very intense and it would make me so anxious to be honest.

This guy also told me that he did a tarrot reading. I always was very skeptical of it but somehow I feel like I could believe in it a bit. He told me he was an Emperor and that means that he likes to make feel people safe and make his dreams come true. I told him that once I was told to be a Mediator or helper and he said that fits me well. He is also an aquarius โ™’ as zodiac sign and I’m geminis and I know that those zodiac signs are compatible. A friend of him also told him that he could get along well with geminis โ™Š. I really like to believe in that.

I just felt so in the moment during this beautiful talk. I wish the flight would never have ended. I always get attached so much to people. I have his number and wrote him a message that it was nice to meet him and sent him some pictures we made. I really do hope we will meet each other again as he lives in Amsterdam until next Summer. He gave me a kiss on the cheek which is a normal Spanish way of greeting and also a hug. I never felt such a strong connection with someone. I do believe we meet all the people in life for a reason. They will teach us something. He texted me back a few days later and said he loved to have met me in the airplane too. He said seldom you find such honest and genuine people like me. He is thankful to have met me and also thanks me for the pictures I sent him. I also sent him a text back a few days later and told him the same. I also said that if he ever wants to meet up he can say that to me. The thing is, I also don’t want to be needy or obsessive as I can be really intense. I learned that from being in a relationship with my first love and other crushes. I do believe that whatever will be, will be. We don’t have to force anything. Anything which is meant to come into your life will come without forcing situations.

This universe is beautiful ๐ŸŒŒโœจ. This life is beautiful. I’m just so thankful for these special moments as they come in the moments I most need them. It’s like the universe is saying to me that my story isn’t over yet and that I can be happy and that good things will come my way. I really also know that I don’t have to get my hopes up but I just feel this fuzzy and warm feeling in my heart. I’m so thankful for everything. Thank you life for the hard and beautiful lessons. It reminds me that we are all here for a reason. I need to believe more in the universe and let it unfold itself. Stop controlling. Letting life flow. I just feel my heart full of gold right now ๐ŸŒŸ.

“I believe in the good things coming ๐Ÿ’•”

Thank you all for reading this inspiring and long post. I felt very inspired to write this. What do you think of all of this? Do you believe we meet people for a reason? Are you a spiritual person? Do you believe in love at first sight? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Struggling so much with my mental health ๐Ÿ˜ข

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I’m always honest and 100% vulnerable about my journey of mental health especially on my blog like I said in this blog post. In real life it’s much more difficult to be open about it because I still feel not everyone understands it. There is still a taboo surrounding mental health. People are getting more open but it will still take a lot of time for people to understand that we can get physically but also mentally ill and that there’s no shame to admit that we are struggling. It takes a lot of courage to be open so that’s what I’m going to do right now in this post. I will tell you how I’m feeling because letting these words out make me at least feel less alone. Even writing all of this takes me too much effort ๐Ÿ˜ข.

So, to be honest I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel so hopeless. I’m not okay. I can’t see any point of living anymore in life. I feel like I’m getting depressed. I’m not in danger because I know I never would do something to harm me. I’m just exhausted to go through life while feeling anxious for everything I have to face all the time. I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. I know maybe asking for help would help. I just don’t know if therapy would really help me because I keep thinking of the time I had some form of therapy, 7 sessions and had to vomit every time and my anxiety even got worse…. I still have anti anxiety medication at home from when I got it subscribed by the doctor in Spain. My mother uses diazepam which she also sometimes can give me when I feel really bad. I know the medication benzodiazepines can be addictive but when you use it whenever you need it I guess it’s okay. I mean why are people always saying those bad and negative stuff about using medication for a mental illness when there are people taking medication for their physical health every day? There has to be no difference in this.

I know I’m doing bad because I don’t leave the house often. I can’t sleep good at night and my routine is a mess. I get anxious outside sometimes seeing so much people. Last week I went to a shopping mall and I got anxious in the bus twice. It felt like I couldn’t breath. I was happy to go outside the bus and walk home with my mother. I’m just always so afraid to get a panic attack because it’s the worst. I don’t want to go through that again. The thing is that the more I worry about that, the more it will likely to happen I think. I’m just so anxious about going to the dentist. I think that’s also now the underlying reason of all my anxiety. I keep postponing it when I have an appointment next month in Spain. I’m the most afraid to loose control and to experience a panic attack. I’m so done with experiencing the waves of anxiety. I’m still struggling with finding a job too as I don’t know how to face people and get only rejections. I just want to hide in my bed under a blanket forever. Unfortunately, I know that can’t happen but I still do it most of the time.

I really don’t know what to do to move forward in my life. I lost my hope and will to live. I’m not in crisis and I know I won’t do anything to harm myself. I just don’t know how to come out of this black hole I’m in. Anxiety keeps me from doing the things I love which means following my dreams. My whole existence cause me anxiety. Sometimes I experience anxiety for no reason. I could sit on a chair watching tv and feel that knot in my stomach and that sense of fear. It’s so hard to live your life that way. People sometimes ask me what gives me anxiety and the answer to that question is everything, this life. Sometimes I think anxiety is part of me but I have to know that I have it and that it’s not part of my personality but sometimes it feels that way.

Last night I experienced one of the worst moments of suffering from anxiety. I felt nauseous and was afraid to throw up. That always cause me even more anxiety because I keep thinking no don’t throw up. I had cold and hot flashes. I felt so bad, so bad. I deactivated FB again as social media only give me more anxiety right now and can’t deal with it. I wrote a message on FB of how I was doing and got some nice caring comments from people I care about but my heart was beating so fast then because I’m afraid to open up to people who know me. Here on this blog it’s different. At the end, I slept in my mother’s bed because there I feel more safe with her. I also took valium 4mg which she also takes. It helpt me feeling more calm and be able to sleep. I could finally sleep 11 hours. I just don’t know how to travel back to Holland in a few days in this state. I’m so afraid to get a panic attack or feel this way because it feels like I’m dying. Of course, I know it isn’t true but it’s just the worst thought. My mother already said how powerful our minds are. It’s so scary to be honest ๐Ÿ˜ข. I wish to buy new funcional brains. If someone knows where to buy them, I will buy them in a quick second even if they have to come from Ebay China lol ๐Ÿ˜‚

I’m also a highly sensitive person who suffer from anxiety. It gets harder because I’m already so sensitive for everything. I suffer and cry more but I also love more. I can cry about everything. I get hurt easily when someone says a mean comment. I overthink a lot. I also empathize much more to other people, care about others and love deeper. I’m compassionate and creative. There are a lot of good things I also am but right now I focus too much on the negative things like I can’t do anything right in life.

Yesterday I listened to a podcast of Yoga Girl which was very inspiring and interesting. It was about how this world always value a person when we produce something. If you are working and producing to society you are worthy of love. It feels like we have to be worthy and to be seen when we are succeeding. There is so much wrong in that. I really do wish I could live a life I’m happy of and work in a job which I love but honestly right now I can’t because I’m sick. Capitalism is just so bad. We have to know that we are always worthy of love and that we aren’t alone. We are not what we produce. What matters is not what I do but who I’m. Those words of Yoga Girl sticked in my head and it relates well to this blog post. We are so much more than our jobs, the things we do in life. We are a person with feelings. We are human and we deserve all the love. We are not less than someone else just because we aren’t studying/working because we are physically, mentally or chronically ill. It’s not our fault.

I really wish to get better one day as it’s so exhausting to go through life while feeling anxious all the time. Recovery isn’t lineal and takes a lot of time. I just really don’t like to feel nauseous, dizzy, feeling like I can’t breath or feeling like I have no control over my body and mind. I also believe from what I said earlier that it’s okay to take a break from life. It’s okay to not study/work when you are ill. You deserve to take a rest. Nowadays it seems like being busy is the most important thing in life because of capitalism. It’s all about buying and doing when we just forget to live, to be still and present with our feelings and thoughts.

Always remember, we aren’t alone. We are all in this together. No matter how though life gets we will get through the other end. We will see the light after all the darkness. One step at a time.

Thank you all for reading this honest post about how I’m doing right now ๐Ÿ˜ข. It took me a lot of courage to write this post. What would you advice me to do? What do you do in hard times? How are you feeling right now? I’m always here for you all. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

Being vulnerable and honest is what matters most in life ๐Ÿ’–โœจ

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Today I’m going to talk about my feelings and thoughts about being real and vulnerable. I will also show you that crying is okay and that it’s okay to feel all our feelings, the bad and the positive ones. It takes a lot of courage to be myself in a world where you are constantly being judged for being yourself. At the end, what’s most important in life is to be real with ourselves and with others. Only then we can have great relationships in our lives ๐Ÿ’–.

I’m always 100% myself on here, on my IG for my blog or in the communities such as the Yoga Girl Community I’m in. Being myself means sharing the good and bad in life. It’s about being raw, vulnerable and sensitive. Nowadays we live in a world where it’s better to hide our emotions and fake it until we make it. I’m so not into that. I’m loosing friends every year and thinking of that now, I’m happy about it. If people don’t align with me, respect me and care about me, why would I want to be friends with that person? Why invest so much time in people who aren’t worth our time? Our time is precious in life so better invest that in people who give you good vibes, love you for being yourself and who really care about you.

This is also a reason why I deactivated my Facebook account since a few days. I feel like social media does more wrong than good. I compare my life to others way too much. Then I begin to feel even more anxious. It’s also not good for my mental health. Maybe, I will activate it again one day. I just think I have to spend less time there because I don’t like all the fake people I see. There are even people I follow on social media who used to be friends with me and are showing their perfect lives which involves their travels, jobs and family life. I just can’t stand it. I’m not a person who’s jealous of that but it just makes me feel bad about myself. It always feels like the grass is greener on the other side. It’s like I don’t have my life together and seeing all those posts only increase my feeling of anxiety. I hope you all understand what I’m trying try to say.

People are just so fake in general. I know it isn’t attractive to see someone crying on a picture or reading about the though stuff in life like loosing someone we love, someone getting sick or any other tragic news. It’s just really necessary to show also the bad stuff in life because only then we can connect with others in a real way and feel less alone in our struggles. Of course, I don’t mean to only write about negative stuff and watch all the negative news which we are constantly being drowned by. I just mean that it’s important being real about our feelings and thoughts in life. I really can see how I and all the othee people struggling with their mental health or anything else in life can feel worse when people don’t talk about their struggles and only show the good in life. It makes us feel even more isolated.

Whenever I see those perfect feeds online I also feel like I don’t try hard enough in life to reach my goals. I feel like people don’t show often how hard it was to accomplish something in their life like getting that job you dreamt of, achieving other things in life such as finishing college or high school. Why do we not show more the journey to reach a certain goal? I think that could let us know that everything we want in life doesn’t come easy and that doing our best is more than enough. It will inspire us instead of making ourselves feel bad. I’m still applying for jobs in Spain and get a lot of rejections. It makes me feel demotivated. I feel like I won’t ever get a job I love because anxiety gets in the way. Today I applied again for a job to work online from home in Spain. I hope I will hear one day something positive about it ๐Ÿคž๐Ÿ€ I definitely know that it would make us feel better if we see how hard it is to reach things in life. Nobody talks about how hard it is to find a job when you are mentally ill. That makes me only feel more shameful when I didn’t choose to suffer from anxiety on the first place.

I also still struggle with going to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth pulled out. I need to do it one by one but I just feel exhausted by the thought of it. Anxiety makes me feel so exhausted in life ๐Ÿ˜”. I feel exhausted to through to those waves of anxiety again so I don’t do anything about it which also isn’t okay. Maybe, I need to ask for help but I also still don’t know if therapy would help or I’m just fooling myself and telling myself that story. Maybe, I’m just anxious about going through all of that and I think I deserve no help or healing. In the midst of all of this, I wanted to apply for a singing casting for a talent show in Spain. I don’t think I’m doing it because it cost me money to go to Madrid. However, maybe I will apply for another singing casting here in Valladolid ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽค. This also makes me anxious but I also love to sing. It’s one of my biggest passions in life. You have to send some voice notes and if you pass, you will have a real life audition. This audition is to be able to sing in a women’s choir. I miss singing in a choir. I sang 11 years in a choir in The Netherlands. The only thing is that I’m not living in Spain right now so maybe it doesn’t make sense to apply. If I would get a job I could stay here.

What I also wanted to say is that anxiety is a real illness as well as other mental illnesses or invisible illnesses. With these pictures below I want to show you all how it looks like to suffer from anxiety. It takes a lot of courage for me to show you this side but I feel the need to be real in the most vulnerable way. It’s okay to cry and not be okay. There has to be no shame of that. You can see me smiling on the first picture. I was happy that day but there could be also times when I’m smiling but feel anxious. On the second picture I was crying and feeling anxious which was last weekend because I feel again pressure to get a job I don’t want because of my family. At the end, we have to decide what’s best for us. Anyone can give us an advice but only we know what our heart wants.

You see that you can never judge someone just based on how they look like. Someone can be smiling but feeling bad. We don’t know the struggles someone is facing so we always have to be kind. Someone can hide a lot behind a smile. Mental illnesses and other invisible illnesses are real. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t true. I wish people would understand that better or at least try to show some empathy and compassion. That’s what I need, you need and the whole world needs right now. We need to able to feel our feelings, show them and then eventually we can let them go. I’m blessed to have my family, friends both online and in real life who care about me. I’m so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You all mean the world to me ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ™

You are not alone.
You are so loved.
You are allowed to feel your feelings.
You are allowed to cry.
You are allowed to be angry.
You are allowed to take up space in this universe.

You don’t have to do this alone. If we all look after each other we could definitely make this a better world to live in. We would feel less alone in our struggles, pain and though times in life. Let’s walk this journey together, step by side, side to side. We are all in this together.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I love to be real always. Do you find it hard to be real about your feelings in this fake world? How does social media make you feel? Any advice of the things I shared related to anxiety, the singing castings or the search for a job? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Love you all so much ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Right in this moment all is well

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Today I want to talk about what I have expierencing these last days together with some realizations I have got. It’s about sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with you as I have always done and always will do until the day I die. I hope this post will not turn into a depressive post but just so you know it before I begin to talk.

Last Friday I began to read the book of Yoga Girl called “To love and let go”. I will not tell you a lot about it because I really want to do one post about it when I have finished it. It just deserves a post on its own. It’s the most spiritual, healing and just best book I haver ever read ๐Ÿ’—โœจ. It feels like my Bible ๐Ÿ“–. I’m at page 74 and it has more than 300 pages so I’m happy there is still so much more to read. I have always said that The fault in our stars is my favourite book but this book is a memoir, based on a real life story and I feel like this is my next favourite book. Yoga Girl also called Rachel Brathen is an international yoga teacher with her own yoga studio called Island Yoga in Aruba. She lives there with her hushband and daughter. Her story is about loss, love and gratitude. She lost her best friend in a car accident and right in that moment she had to go through surgery for her appendix in Bonaire. It’s a heart breaking story ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข.

Every chapter is amazing, just so beautiful, just out of the world ๐Ÿ˜. In one chapter she is writing about how in this exact moment all is well and that anxiety and fear dissapears when we think of the present. There’s this book called “The power of now” which also talks about this. I want to read it one day. I think about this a lot as I have been sleeping so bad these last nights. I thought maybe it’s because of reading this book as it’s so beautiful but also heavy. I think way too much and then get anxious of having so many thoughts in my mind ๐Ÿ˜ข. I wish I could turn them all off and be like it’s enough now and stop it. Anxiety doesn’t work that way. It’s so hard to be present when your mind is constantly in war with you. I also think social media plays a role in this too so these last days I have been using it less. I like it but it also increase my anxiety and makes me feel bad about myself. Blogging and being in communities is so much better. I can’t deal with fake people anymore. I want real connections where I can talk about real life stuff such as deep conversations about death, the universe, our dreams and struggles. Social media feels so fake. I want to learn new things and get inspired instead of getting impressed of people with their fake happiness in life.

Also I think a lot about life and death lately. I have always thought about it and now I think even more about it. I already wrote about my fear of death in this post. I have always been afraid of death โ˜ ๏ธ but also of life because my whole life I live out of fear instead of love. That’s my problem. Sometimes I’m afraid to sleep because of not waking up the next morning. Then I get panic at night and keep waking up. I just fear that everything will stop one day, that everyone I love will die one day and that all of this will stop existing one day. It’s a scary thought ๐Ÿ˜ข. I fear dying but what I fear most is just the thought of being death. I hope I’m not sounding strange but when I shared it in the community of Yoga Girl on Facebook I was happy that I wasn’t alone in this. There are more people afraid of this. It makes me feel good that I’m not the only one thinking about this.

I talk about this with some of my friends or my parents. My daddy said why would you worry about it when you are death because you wouldn’t know it and he also said that before we were born we were also not here. Life is strange. I agree with him but it just still feels strange. I’m just always thinking about the past which includes being bullied, having my heart broken and all the negative stuff and then when that’s done I began to worry and think about the future and so I’m constant in fear and anxiety anticipating the worst things in life. I know we all will die one day and that death is part of life. I just have to find a way in living a life where I can be happy and at peace with my mind. I hope that we can all find that one day as we deserve it โœจ

That’s also the reason why I don’t know if I will ever try therapy because I don’t know if it would help me as I have to move on from the past. I know I have to let it all out but I also have to let it go and not dwell in the past which only increase my anxiety. I also want to take yoga lessons ๐Ÿง˜โ€โ™€๏ธ in a class one day. From reading this book I’m learning that right now all is well. I do meditation sometimes with Yoga Girl’s podcasts which is amazing. I’m getting better with it than before. Sometimes I cry while meditating as I’m releasing my emotions. Children are always living in the present moment. I’m thinking about when we as adults stopped doing that. When did that happen? It’s sad because then everything makes sense. It’s normal to feel anxious when we are constantly thinking about the past or future. If we would think more often of the present, right now, how would we feel? I definitely would feel more at peace and less anxious. All is well. That’s going to be my mantra from now on. I know it’s difficult because anxiety often gets in the way but at least I can try.

Today was a good day too because I slept well last night and it was great weather. The sun was even shining a bit ๐ŸŒž. I got beautiful pen pal mail and Christmas presents from my friends in UK. Selena Gomez and Duncan Laurence released a new song which I loved ๐ŸŽถ. I still didn’t get my period which for one reason is good but I also don’t want to get it when I’m travelling to Spain next week. I had also fun meeting up with my best friend and had a delicious lunch together in Haarlem ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‹. We also went stationery shopping which is just the best. You will see what I bought in another post. I also saw her family later which I loved because they are basically my second family haha. Her father always says I’m his adopted daughter.

When I came back home I was walking to my home from the bus stop. I was listening to the birds and saw the Autumn leaves ๐Ÿ‚๐Ÿ๐Ÿƒ on the street. I saw the beautiful green trees. I could smell the Fall. I felt some wind on my face and right in that moment, I felt part of this universe. All is well I thought. Everything is exactly the way it’s because it’s suppose to be this way. I will find my way in life. The universe will always have my back. I’m so blessed so blessed to be alive right now. Thank you life for all the good and bad. I have tears in my eyes right now while writing this. I mean it. I really do. This life is so fragile. We really have to be thankful for all of it ๐Ÿ™โœจ๐Ÿ’—

“If I could stay in the moment and just be, I’d always come back to the same conclusion: all is well. Every time my mind took control, I challenged myself to not get pulled into panic mode.”

– To love and let go by Rachel Brathen

Thank you all for reading this post. I hope you understand what I just shared with you all. Do you also live more in the future than in the present moment? How does it make you feel? Do you also think a lot about life and death? Let me know lovelies. I’m always here for you ๐Ÿ’–. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

World Mental Health Day 2019, you are never alone ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ’—

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Today is a very important day in the world ๐ŸŒ. October the 10th is World Mental Health Day. I write about this every year as I find it so important. You can find my post of 2017 here and my post of 2018 here. I never want to write exactly the same every year because otherwise it would be borring haha. I suffer from a mental illness which is anxiety. They say 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness in their lives at one point. Suicide rates are really high and statistics have shown that there are more men who die by suicide than women. This is really shocking to know. I also read it in this article of BBC news. Today I’m going to talk about mental health stigma, anxiety and mental health related to gender.

To begin with, we all have mental and physical health. Our brains work together with our whole body. Some ignorant people still forget that. When I feel anxious I begin to have negative thoughts about life and death. I feel like I can’t move on in life. Right now, I’m again struggling with my mental health. I also think it’s because of the change from Summer to the Winter months. I never deal well with having less sunshine and daylight ๐Ÿ˜ญ. I can’t understand why people don’t understand that our body and mine are one and that everything is connected. So, when I begin to have unrealistic thoughts and think about all the bad things which can happen if I do a certain thing then I already begin to feel anxious. This means that I begin to feel nauseous, dizzy, feel my heart beating really fast, feel my breath becoming faster and just feel so bad. This eventually can get worse which can result in having a panic attack, totally feeling out of control and in my case also having to vomit. What I fear the most is going through that again and it just feels like I’m going to die.

We are all living in the 21th century. It’s 2019 and there are still people who feel like it’s okay to judge someone who is struggling with their mental health. I really can’t understand that. How can that be possible?! It makes me sad but most of all it makes me so angry ๐Ÿ˜ก. Life is though for everyone of us. We all deal with our own problems and struggles in life. I really do believe life is even thougher for someone going with a mental illness. The mind plays with us which makes it dangerous. How can someone say to one who is dealing with an eating disorder that they just have to eat a bit more or eat less? Why do people say to someone who is going through anxiety to just be happy and stop worrying? How they hell can people say to just go out of bed when someone is struggling with a severe depression? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT ๐Ÿ™„. Some people don’t know what it’s like to go through a mental illness because they have never gone through it but there are also some other people who just want to hurt others with their hurtful comments.

I just had to say this because I’m done with these comments. I’m done hearing from a “friend” say to me that I don’t try hard enough to get a job and move on in life. I’m done with hearing I’m lazy because I sleep a lot. I’m done hearing to snap out of it because I just can’t. Having a mental illness is a complex and difficult think to have and for others to understand. I don’t even understand my brain so how can someone help me when I can’t explain it either. If I could snap out of it all then I would already have done it. Give me that magic bottle of that witch ๐Ÿง™โ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ”ฎ and I will drink it all. WHOEHOEEE NO ANXIETY ANYMORE I’M SO HAPPY. Well, unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. I really wish it would be that simple. I’m not going to therapy and still don’t know if I will go one day. I already said a few posts ago that I went to a woman who wasn’t a real psychologist a few years ago and had to vomit every time I had to go. I told it to her and she said it could be that I just don’t want to let myself seen. It’s really true. I hide myself all the time. I always avoid everything I fear and everything what makes me uncomfortable such as going to the dentist and other social situations. I also don’t know if therapy would really work for me. I don’t know if I will ever be free of anxiety. If I talk about anxiety, I get anxious. For me, what would be helpful is talking about the things I struggle with while taking action. Solving problems and thoughtful thinking.

Therapy isn’t for everyone as well as medication isn’t good for everyone. Natural medication doesn’t help my anxiety as I have tried lots of stuff such as St. John’s Wort and Valerian Root. I also took for two years a low dose of antidepressants just 20mg and it didn’t work as I think it was too less. What works for me is an anti anxiety medication such as Valium or Bromazepam. I only take this when I feel high anxiety or when I’m close to a panic attack. I know it isn’t good to take it often but sometimes you just need it. Taking medication for a physical health illness is okay so why would it be shameful to take something for our mental illness? Our mental health is as important as our physical health.

What for me also helps in dealing with anxiety is doing the things which makes me happy to be alive such as my passions. I love loads of things. As Taylor Swift says, we are the things we love ๐Ÿ’—. I love writing, reading good books ๐Ÿ“š, blogging (of course lol!), singing ๐ŸŽถ, surfing ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ, listening to music, swimming in the sea, having fun with my friends and family, photography and travelling. What I also love is following people like on this blog or on Instagram who make me feel good about myself and who inspire me. I love to follow artists such as Ariana Grande, Julia Michaels, Talor Swift, Duncan Laurence, Aitana, Alfred Garcรญa, Rosalรญa, Amaia, Sofia Ellar, Alvaro Soler, Ed Sheeran, Passenger and many more who make me happy and who align with my being โœจ. I also love Yoga Girl her postcasts so much and everything she does for this world. She’s my biggest inspiration in life ๐Ÿ˜. I really am so happy to have these people in my life as they make me so happy. I wish to meet them all (I met some of them) and enjoy their concerts live.

I really do believe that having a community such as the blogging community, Yoga Girl community or pen pal community makes our life better. Being surrounded by people who make us feel good about ourselves is so important as it can make us feel less alone. It makes us feel that we belong somewhere and that everything we feel is real and valid ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’—. I love to be honest, vulnerable and sensitive. I really do believe that the only way we can heal our hearts is with opening our hearts and share all the ugly and beautiful things in life. We heal the world with healing ourselves first. All my friends in real life or online, my family or the people I follow on social media are honest about themselves. I only crave real connections in life. I’m done with all those fake people with their fake bodies and lives. That only makes me feel worse especially when I feel anxious.

What I would like to see in the upcoming year and all the years which have to come is that we all can talk openly about our mental health and mental illnesses. I would like people to be more compassionate and show empathy. We need that in order to speak up. When you see someone struggling, be there for that person. Sometimes we need advice but sometimes all we need is someone who says that they will be there for us and give us a hug. It’s the little things which count. I also would like that society treats women and men equally in this subject of mental health. Men are not less a man because they show their emotions or because they have to cry. Women are not crazy for showing their emotions or for being more emotional. We all show our emotions in our own ways and are equal. Hopefully then the rates of suicide will be less.

I also do believe we all need the help we deserve. Going through a mental illness can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what your nationality is or what gender you have. It can effect anyone of us at any moment in our lives. There needs to be better treatment available which makes asking for helping easier. The waiting lists has to change, people need to get good help after being in crisis, and just a lot of other things need to change in this system so that it can be available for everyone. People with a low income or those who are unemployed also have to get the help they need. It breaks my heart to see how in some countries there are people struggling with their mental health with no help at all ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข.

Always remember that you are loved and that you are not alone in this. Every day is world mental health day. Let’s stay together to end this taboo of mental health stigma. We arenโ€™t crazy in our minds. We are sick. We all need help, support and compassion. To raise awareness about world mental health day you can donate money to a mental health organization, you can draw a circle on your hand with the hastag #iamwhole or wear something yellow with the hastag #helloyellow and post it on social media. Let’s do this all together ๐Ÿ’ชโค๏ธ

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. Thank you for always being there for me like I will always be there for you all too. We are all in this together. Which mental illness do you suffer from? What helps you to feel better? What do you think of the mental health stigma? What do you think has to improve in the mental health system? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Will I ever make my wildest and biggest dreams come true?

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I wanted to write a more uplifting post today but I feel like I can’t. I cried last night for a few hours and I just have to write it down here. I always have to write about how I’m feeling on that moment because if I don’t do it that moment will pass and I wouldn’t be able to write about it anymore. It wouldn’t feel real anymore. I would never fake how I feel on my blog because then I wouldn’t be honest and authentic on my blog. I always want to be honest in real life and online. This blog post will be about some feelings and thoughts I have lately, why I cried last night, and about reaching our dreams.

So, last night I was just scrolling through Intagram when I saw a picture of one of my best friends with her boyfriend and then I saw something more and was in shock ๐Ÿคฏ. I just couldn’t stop crying. My good friend got engaged and didn’t tell me anything. I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend. I was like what?! I felt left out and hurt. Some hours has passed and I still feel that way. I had to cry so much. I’m not jealous of her. I always want the best for everyone and want everyone to be happy. I’m also on my period so I’m even more emotional and sensitive for everything. Even though I’m sometimes in Spain for a few months and then I come back to The Netherlands I always love to keep in contact with my friends and family. When such a good friend doesn’t say such an important thing of their life well I guess it’s normally to feel left out and lonely. I also am afraid or friendship will change. I’m so afraid of loosing people. The break up of my first love makes me extremely afraid of people walking away from my life. Of course, I have to be happy for my friend which I’m but then I began to think negatively about my own life and how far behind I’m with the rest of my friends. I feel like I’m the only one not reaching milestones in life.

You know that moment you are lying in bed and you feel like your whole world is crashing down? Well, that’s what happened last night. It’s not only this news which makes me feel that way. I feel lost for so long in my life. For like two years I feel like I’m just surviving through life instead of living. I can’t move on in life because of anxiety ๐Ÿ˜”. My mother understand me the best and says I have to go to the doctor for it. I had some talks a few years ago with a social worker and got nauseous every time so yeah I don’t know if that would help. My mother takes valium so sometimes when I’m really anxious I take that from her too and I also have some anti anxiety meds being subscribed from the doctor in Spain. My father is also there for me but I would prefer if I ever ask for help as in therapy do it in Spain. There are really good professionals out there. To be honest I’m also afraid of asking for help and speaking up.

It’s something that I keep repeating and I’m sorry if I write about this much lately like I did in this blog post. It’s just how I feel often. It makes me depressed and anxious to see all people moving on with their lives while I can’t. Many of my friends are in a relationship, are getting jobs and moving in with each other. I feel like I will be the last one to settle down or will not reach anything in life. Do we have to reach some goal in life or is it all just a myth of society to keep us going? It’s not that I want to die even though I really say that a lot to my mother mostly and I also think it a lot. I will never do anything to myself. I would be too scared for that. It’s just and always have been that I’m afraid of death but also of life and therefore I can’t move on in life. It’s so hard. It’s though to feel this way as I don’t know what the solution would be.

What felt good last night was that in those bad moments I always write in the Yoga Girl Community on Facebook. It’s my safe space like this blog ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™. It feels good to know that you aren’t alone with your thoughts and feelings. This all can feel too much and makes me feel so lonely. It makes me feel a bit better to know that there’s someone out there who also is feeling your feelings and maybe even in that moment. It makes it feel less isolating. Being a highly sensitive person is just so overwhelming sometimes. It’s a blessing but sometimes also a curse because every little thing hit me in life. I worry too much, I get anxious fast and I feel every emotion of all the people I love in life. It’s hard to be sensitive in a world where not everyone understands that.

What I’m the most afraid of is thinking that I won’t reach my dreams in life. I’m happy seeing my friends and all the people I love getting married, having babies and doing all the things they love. I just wish I will live the life I dream of too in the future. Yesterday I applied again to a job which is to work for the surf brand O’Neill in a shop in Spain. I just never get any reply back from a job and if I get one then it’s mostly negative. It makes me feel like I want to give up on everything in life. I’m tired. Really. I’m so tired of everything. I’m 26 years, still so young and have my life ahead of me. How can I say that? It’s just how I feel. Feeling anxious about a lot of things and going through life while feeling anxious is really exhausting. I just wish there would be a cure to that. I just also always feel like nothing makes sense if we all die one day. It makes me go in a negative state and it’s hard to let those thoughts go in that moment.

The most inspiring thing of all of this is that YES OF COURSE I HAVE DREAMS โœจ. I want to be able to say I went for it and made them all come true. I just don’t know how to begin. I want to write a poetry book and maybe publish it. I want to be able to surf well and surf some waves ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ๐ŸŒŠ. I want to travel the world and go to amazing places like Costa Rica, Hawaii, California and Aruba ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡ผ ๐ŸŒด. I want to take singing ๐ŸŽถ classes or maybe join a choir again. I want to go to the yoga retreat of Yoga Girl in Aruba. I would love to have a house on the beach and see the sea every time I wake up. I just want to live a happy life, do the things I love, be surrounded by the people I love and not feel constantly anxious about everything. Most of all, I just want to heal myself while I heal others in this world ๐ŸŒ. Is that too much to ask for? I want to be of service in this world and I know that will be the key to contribute to the world while feeling purposeful. Just writing these sentences makes me cry because deep down in my heart I know that I have a purpose. It’s just that I don’t know how to make all these dreams happen and I find it hard to find a specific job in something I love to do. Then I feel overwhelmed and get anxious of all of it and don’t do anything.

One of my best pen pal friends wrote me some lovely messages today and one of them was that I’m being too hard on myself. It’s definitely true and I always have been way too hard on myself. I also sometimes feel that I give more love then I will ever receive in my life which I wrote about in this blog post. I truly believe that there are some people born who give more love than they will ever receive back. I’m also one of them. I’m a giver. I give too much and you can’t go on in life when you are constantly giving and not receiving the same love back. It makes it all so exhausting. I have to be able to set more boundaries.

So back to my question. Will I ever be able to make my big dreams come true? Maybe I will but it all just takes time. It’s also okay if I think of new dreams and throw other dreams in the bin. Life changes constantly and so do we. Experiences change us. Our interest changes within the years through life. We have just this one life. We are all doing the best we can. It’s okay to cry, to be angry and to be happy. My most important lesson of today was that it’s okay to feel. Let it be ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™.

To love and let go, love and let go, love and let go…it’s the single most important thing we can learn in this lifetime.– Rachel Brathen

Rachel Brathen also called Yoga Girl which is my biggest inspiration in life wrote a new book which is about loss, gratitude and love. She lost her best friend in a car accident while she was going through surgery for her appendix. It’s a heartbreaking story. I’m ready to heal my heart while reading this book. It will come this week by post. I need it. It’s about all kinds of loss in life.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also feel this way? What advice would you give me? How do I feel less lonely and more purposeful in life? How can we all reach our wildest dreams while being fearful and anxious all the time? Let me know lovelies. Your words and advice are always so appreciated ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™. I love you all so much. Thank you for always holding space for me. I will be there for you too. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

World Suicide Prevention Day ๐Ÿ•ฏ๏ธ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I wrote this for World Suicide Prevention Day and shared it on Instagram but never here. It was 10 September but it’s never too late to share it here too. September is also Suicide Prevention Month. It’s an important topic that has to be spoken about. Also as I consider myself a menta health blogger and advocate I keep on writing about this topic. I also suffer from anxiety as you know by now so writing about it makes me feel less alone. We can be there for each other. We have to be vulnerable, honest and help each other. Only then can we all heal in this world ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•โœจ.

Today is an important day because it’s World Suicide Prevention Day. This has to be important every day, not only just today. There are two important projects/organizations which help people in need with the prevention of suicide which are TWLOHA and the Proyect Semicolon. It’s important that organizations and also NGO’s help all the people in need. There still has to be a lot of improvement in the help we all need. Waiting lists are way too long, help is not always available in the right time and also the treatment is not being right sometimes. So there still need to change a lot in the mental health sector to be better accessible for everyone in need ๐Ÿ’—.

Suicide is still one of the main causes of death in this world. More than 800.000 people die each year by suicide. That’s one person every 40 seconds. Women tend to have more suicidal thoughts whereas there are more men who die by suicide. Men are more silence about their struggles than women. I believe in equality so everyone has the right to speak up about their emotions or feelings regardless their gender. Speaking up is a sign of strength and is not a weakness. Crying is also not a weakness. We all cry. Sometimes we hold so much in us that at the end we fell apart. That means that you have been strong for way too long. It’s okay to fall apart as we find ourselves back with breaking apart and letting ourselves go. Let it all go โœจ.

I think a person who has a mental illness can have suicidal thoughts. It’s more easier for them as they are already struggling with their mental health. I suffer from anxiety myself and also have these thoughts sometimes. I know that I will not act on it so I feel like my struggles don’t even matter. You have to know that no problem is worse than any other problem, how little or big it. We all matter and what we feel is real. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I just wish we would treat every mental illness with respect, compassion and understanding. Everyone deserve help and every experience is valid. Not because someone has it worse than you means that your feelings and thoughts don’t count.

I’m blessed for all the beautiful and amazing people I know in my life, online and in real life. Thank you for the friends and family who are always there for me โค๏ธ . I will also be there for anyone in this world who need to speak up about it. I still feel like I can speak about it easier online or with people who really understand me. It’s still somehow a taboo and this needs to end. The only way to help each other is to be able to speak up about our struggles in our mental health. We all have physical and mental health. We can all suffer from it and can suffer from a mental illness. It has no race, gender, sexuality or nationality.

The point is suicide is everywhere around us. We can’t close our eyes and act like we don’t see it. I really hate how people care about others when it’s too late. We have to check on our loved ones when we see the signs to be able to prevent suicide. Not all is lost if we keep raising awareness about it. Also instutions and mental health centers have to be able to help people in need whenever they need it. Nowadays I hear a lot of bad stories of how there’s only help available when it’s almost too late and also stories that doesn’t end well. You matter and your feelings are valid. When you are in crisis you need to be able to get the help you need in that moment and you deserve to have a great treatment afterwards to not fall back into crisis again. Also I think suicide prevention is very important. Workers in the mental health sector have to intervent early such as with suicide prevention. This hopefully could lead to less people dying by suicide.

I really know we can help each other and make this world a better place to live in if we all commit to it ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™. There needs to be help available for everyone who needs it. I hope that I can help these people in the future. I hope to be of service for those who need it. Tomorrow needs me because my purpose in life is to heal myself while helping others. Remember, you are loved. You are worth it. You are enough even if you don’t feel that all the time. You really are SO enough. The world is brighter because of YOU! We need the darkness in life to find the light at the end of it. You are never alone ๐Ÿ’—. We are all in this together ๐Ÿ’ช

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. What do you think of suicide prevention? Do you think it would help? What do you think needs to change in the mental health sector to be it accessible for everyone? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina