Struggling so much with my mental health ๐Ÿ˜ข

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I’m always honest and 100% vulnerable about my journey of mental health especially on my blog like I said in this blog post. In real life it’s much more difficult to be open about it because I still feel not everyone understands it. There is still a taboo surrounding mental health. People are getting more open but it will still take a lot of time for people to understand that we can get physically but also mentally ill and that there’s no shame to admit that we are struggling. It takes a lot of courage to be open so that’s what I’m going to do right now in this post. I will tell you how I’m feeling because letting these words out make me at least feel less alone. Even writing all of this takes me too much effort ๐Ÿ˜ข.

So, to be honest I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel so hopeless. I’m not okay. I can’t see any point of living anymore in life. I feel like I’m getting depressed. I’m not in danger because I know I never would do something to harm me. I’m just exhausted to go through life while feeling anxious for everything I have to face all the time. I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. I know maybe asking for help would help. I just don’t know if therapy would really help me because I keep thinking of the time I had some form of therapy, 7 sessions and had to vomit every time and my anxiety even got worse…. I still have anti anxiety medication at home from when I got it subscribed by the doctor in Spain. My mother uses diazepam which she also sometimes can give me when I feel really bad. I know the medication benzodiazepines can be addictive but when you use it whenever you need it I guess it’s okay. I mean why are people always saying those bad and negative stuff about using medication for a mental illness when there are people taking medication for their physical health every day? There has to be no difference in this.

I know I’m doing bad because I don’t leave the house often. I can’t sleep good at night and my routine is a mess. I get anxious outside sometimes seeing so much people. Last week I went to a shopping mall and I got anxious in the bus twice. It felt like I couldn’t breath. I was happy to go outside the bus and walk home with my mother. I’m just always so afraid to get a panic attack because it’s the worst. I don’t want to go through that again. The thing is that the more I worry about that, the more it will likely to happen I think. I’m just so anxious about going to the dentist. I think that’s also now the underlying reason of all my anxiety. I keep postponing it when I have an appointment next month in Spain. I’m the most afraid to loose control and to experience a panic attack. I’m so done with experiencing the waves of anxiety. I’m still struggling with finding a job too as I don’t know how to face people and get only rejections. I just want to hide in my bed under a blanket forever. Unfortunately, I know that can’t happen but I still do it most of the time.

I really don’t know what to do to move forward in my life. I lost my hope and will to live. I’m not in crisis and I know I won’t do anything to harm myself. I just don’t know how to come out of this black hole I’m in. Anxiety keeps me from doing the things I love which means following my dreams. My whole existence cause me anxiety. Sometimes I experience anxiety for no reason. I could sit on a chair watching tv and feel that knot in my stomach and that sense of fear. It’s so hard to live your life that way. People sometimes ask me what gives me anxiety and the answer to that question is everything, this life. Sometimes I think anxiety is part of me but I have to know that I have it and that it’s not part of my personality but sometimes it feels that way.

Last night I experienced one of the worst moments of suffering from anxiety. I felt nauseous and was afraid to throw up. That always cause me even more anxiety because I keep thinking no don’t throw up. I had cold and hot flashes. I felt so bad, so bad. I deactivated FB again as social media only give me more anxiety right now and can’t deal with it. I wrote a message on FB of how I was doing and got some nice caring comments from people I care about but my heart was beating so fast then because I’m afraid to open up to people who know me. Here on this blog it’s different. At the end, I slept in my mother’s bed because there I feel more safe with her. I also took valium 4mg which she also takes. It helpt me feeling more calm and be able to sleep. I could finally sleep 11 hours. I just don’t know how to travel back to Holland in a few days in this state. I’m so afraid to get a panic attack or feel this way because it feels like I’m dying. Of course, I know it isn’t true but it’s just the worst thought. My mother already said how powerful our minds are. It’s so scary to be honest ๐Ÿ˜ข. I wish to buy new funcional brains. If someone knows where to buy them, I will buy them in a quick second even if they have to come from Ebay China lol ๐Ÿ˜‚

I’m also a highly sensitive person who suffer from anxiety. It gets harder because I’m already so sensitive for everything. I suffer and cry more but I also love more. I can cry about everything. I get hurt easily when someone says a mean comment. I overthink a lot. I also empathize much more to other people, care about others and love deeper. I’m compassionate and creative. There are a lot of good things I also am but right now I focus too much on the negative things like I can’t do anything right in life.

Yesterday I listened to a podcast of Yoga Girl which was very inspiring and interesting. It was about how this world always value a person when we produce something. If you are working and producing to society you are worthy of love. It feels like we have to be worthy and to be seen when we are succeeding. There is so much wrong in that. I really do wish I could live a life I’m happy of and work in a job which I love but honestly right now I can’t because I’m sick. Capitalism is just so bad. We have to know that we are always worthy of love and that we aren’t alone. We are not what we produce. What matters is not what I do but who I’m. Those words of Yoga Girl sticked in my head and it relates well to this blog post. We are so much more than our jobs, the things we do in life. We are a person with feelings. We are human and we deserve all the love. We are not less than someone else just because we aren’t studying/working because we are physically, mentally or chronically ill. It’s not our fault.

I really wish to get better one day as it’s so exhausting to go through life while feeling anxious all the time. Recovery isn’t lineal and takes a lot of time. I just really don’t like to feel nauseous, dizzy, feeling like I can’t breath or feeling like I have no control over my body and mind. I also believe from what I said earlier that it’s okay to take a break from life. It’s okay to not study/work when you are ill. You deserve to take a rest. Nowadays it seems like being busy is the most important thing in life because of capitalism. It’s all about buying and doing when we just forget to live, to be still and present with our feelings and thoughts.

Always remember, we aren’t alone. We are all in this together. No matter how though life gets we will get through the other end. We will see the light after all the darkness. One step at a time.

Thank you all for reading this honest post about how I’m doing right now ๐Ÿ˜ข. It took me a lot of courage to write this post. What would you advice me to do? What do you do in hard times? How are you feeling right now? I’m always here for you all. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

Being vulnerable and honest is what matters most in life ๐Ÿ’–โœจ

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Today I’m going to talk about my feelings and thoughts about being real and vulnerable. I will also show you that crying is okay and that it’s okay to feel all our feelings, the bad and the positive ones. It takes a lot of courage to be myself in a world where you are constantly being judged for being yourself. At the end, what’s most important in life is to be real with ourselves and with others. Only then we can have great relationships in our lives ๐Ÿ’–.

I’m always 100% myself on here, on my IG for my blog or in the communities such as the Yoga Girl Community I’m in. Being myself means sharing the good and bad in life. It’s about being raw, vulnerable and sensitive. Nowadays we live in a world where it’s better to hide our emotions and fake it until we make it. I’m so not into that. I’m loosing friends every year and thinking of that now, I’m happy about it. If people don’t align with me, respect me and care about me, why would I want to be friends with that person? Why invest so much time in people who aren’t worth our time? Our time is precious in life so better invest that in people who give you good vibes, love you for being yourself and who really care about you.

This is also a reason why I deactivated my Facebook account since a few days. I feel like social media does more wrong than good. I compare my life to others way too much. Then I begin to feel even more anxious. It’s also not good for my mental health. Maybe, I will activate it again one day. I just think I have to spend less time there because I don’t like all the fake people I see. There are even people I follow on social media who used to be friends with me and are showing their perfect lives which involves their travels, jobs and family life. I just can’t stand it. I’m not a person who’s jealous of that but it just makes me feel bad about myself. It always feels like the grass is greener on the other side. It’s like I don’t have my life together and seeing all those posts only increase my feeling of anxiety. I hope you all understand what I’m trying try to say.

People are just so fake in general. I know it isn’t attractive to see someone crying on a picture or reading about the though stuff in life like loosing someone we love, someone getting sick or any other tragic news. It’s just really necessary to show also the bad stuff in life because only then we can connect with others in a real way and feel less alone in our struggles. Of course, I don’t mean to only write about negative stuff and watch all the negative news which we are constantly being drowned by. I just mean that it’s important being real about our feelings and thoughts in life. I really can see how I and all the othee people struggling with their mental health or anything else in life can feel worse when people don’t talk about their struggles and only show the good in life. It makes us feel even more isolated.

Whenever I see those perfect feeds online I also feel like I don’t try hard enough in life to reach my goals. I feel like people don’t show often how hard it was to accomplish something in their life like getting that job you dreamt of, achieving other things in life such as finishing college or high school. Why do we not show more the journey to reach a certain goal? I think that could let us know that everything we want in life doesn’t come easy and that doing our best is more than enough. It will inspire us instead of making ourselves feel bad. I’m still applying for jobs in Spain and get a lot of rejections. It makes me feel demotivated. I feel like I won’t ever get a job I love because anxiety gets in the way. Today I applied again for a job to work online from home in Spain. I hope I will hear one day something positive about it ๐Ÿคž๐Ÿ€ I definitely know that it would make us feel better if we see how hard it is to reach things in life. Nobody talks about how hard it is to find a job when you are mentally ill. That makes me only feel more shameful when I didn’t choose to suffer from anxiety on the first place.

I also still struggle with going to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth pulled out. I need to do it one by one but I just feel exhausted by the thought of it. Anxiety makes me feel so exhausted in life ๐Ÿ˜”. I feel exhausted to through to those waves of anxiety again so I don’t do anything about it which also isn’t okay. Maybe, I need to ask for help but I also still don’t know if therapy would help or I’m just fooling myself and telling myself that story. Maybe, I’m just anxious about going through all of that and I think I deserve no help or healing. In the midst of all of this, I wanted to apply for a singing casting for a talent show in Spain. I don’t think I’m doing it because it cost me money to go to Madrid. However, maybe I will apply for another singing casting here in Valladolid ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽค. This also makes me anxious but I also love to sing. It’s one of my biggest passions in life. You have to send some voice notes and if you pass, you will have a real life audition. This audition is to be able to sing in a women’s choir. I miss singing in a choir. I sang 11 years in a choir in The Netherlands. The only thing is that I’m not living in Spain right now so maybe it doesn’t make sense to apply. If I would get a job I could stay here.

What I also wanted to say is that anxiety is a real illness as well as other mental illnesses or invisible illnesses. With these pictures below I want to show you all how it looks like to suffer from anxiety. It takes a lot of courage for me to show you this side but I feel the need to be real in the most vulnerable way. It’s okay to cry and not be okay. There has to be no shame of that. You can see me smiling on the first picture. I was happy that day but there could be also times when I’m smiling but feel anxious. On the second picture I was crying and feeling anxious which was last weekend because I feel again pressure to get a job I don’t want because of my family. At the end, we have to decide what’s best for us. Anyone can give us an advice but only we know what our heart wants.

You see that you can never judge someone just based on how they look like. Someone can be smiling but feeling bad. We don’t know the struggles someone is facing so we always have to be kind. Someone can hide a lot behind a smile. Mental illnesses and other invisible illnesses are real. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t true. I wish people would understand that better or at least try to show some empathy and compassion. That’s what I need, you need and the whole world needs right now. We need to able to feel our feelings, show them and then eventually we can let them go. I’m blessed to have my family, friends both online and in real life who care about me. I’m so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You all mean the world to me ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ™

You are not alone.
You are so loved.
You are allowed to feel your feelings.
You are allowed to cry.
You are allowed to be angry.
You are allowed to take up space in this universe.

You don’t have to do this alone. If we all look after each other we could definitely make this a better world to live in. We would feel less alone in our struggles, pain and though times in life. Let’s walk this journey together, step by side, side to side. We are all in this together.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I love to be real always. Do you find it hard to be real about your feelings in this fake world? How does social media make you feel? Any advice of the things I shared related to anxiety, the singing castings or the search for a job? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Love you all so much ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Right in this moment all is well

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Today I want to talk about what I have expierencing these last days together with some realizations I have got. It’s about sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with you as I have always done and always will do until the day I die. I hope this post will not turn into a depressive post but just so you know it before I begin to talk.

Last Friday I began to read the book of Yoga Girl called “To love and let go”. I will not tell you a lot about it because I really want to do one post about it when I have finished it. It just deserves a post on its own. It’s the most spiritual, healing and just best book I haver ever read ๐Ÿ’—โœจ. It feels like my Bible ๐Ÿ“–. I’m at page 74 and it has more than 300 pages so I’m happy there is still so much more to read. I have always said that The fault in our stars is my favourite book but this book is a memoir, based on a real life story and I feel like this is my next favourite book. Yoga Girl also called Rachel Brathen is an international yoga teacher with her own yoga studio called Island Yoga in Aruba. She lives there with her hushband and daughter. Her story is about loss, love and gratitude. She lost her best friend in a car accident and right in that moment she had to go through surgery for her appendix in Bonaire. It’s a heart breaking story ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข.

Every chapter is amazing, just so beautiful, just out of the world ๐Ÿ˜. In one chapter she is writing about how in this exact moment all is well and that anxiety and fear dissapears when we think of the present. There’s this book called “The power of now” which also talks about this. I want to read it one day. I think about this a lot as I have been sleeping so bad these last nights. I thought maybe it’s because of reading this book as it’s so beautiful but also heavy. I think way too much and then get anxious of having so many thoughts in my mind ๐Ÿ˜ข. I wish I could turn them all off and be like it’s enough now and stop it. Anxiety doesn’t work that way. It’s so hard to be present when your mind is constantly in war with you. I also think social media plays a role in this too so these last days I have been using it less. I like it but it also increase my anxiety and makes me feel bad about myself. Blogging and being in communities is so much better. I can’t deal with fake people anymore. I want real connections where I can talk about real life stuff such as deep conversations about death, the universe, our dreams and struggles. Social media feels so fake. I want to learn new things and get inspired instead of getting impressed of people with their fake happiness in life.

Also I think a lot about life and death lately. I have always thought about it and now I think even more about it. I already wrote about my fear of death in this post. I have always been afraid of death โ˜ ๏ธ but also of life because my whole life I live out of fear instead of love. That’s my problem. Sometimes I’m afraid to sleep because of not waking up the next morning. Then I get panic at night and keep waking up. I just fear that everything will stop one day, that everyone I love will die one day and that all of this will stop existing one day. It’s a scary thought ๐Ÿ˜ข. I fear dying but what I fear most is just the thought of being death. I hope I’m not sounding strange but when I shared it in the community of Yoga Girl on Facebook I was happy that I wasn’t alone in this. There are more people afraid of this. It makes me feel good that I’m not the only one thinking about this.

I talk about this with some of my friends or my parents. My daddy said why would you worry about it when you are death because you wouldn’t know it and he also said that before we were born we were also not here. Life is strange. I agree with him but it just still feels strange. I’m just always thinking about the past which includes being bullied, having my heart broken and all the negative stuff and then when that’s done I began to worry and think about the future and so I’m constant in fear and anxiety anticipating the worst things in life. I know we all will die one day and that death is part of life. I just have to find a way in living a life where I can be happy and at peace with my mind. I hope that we can all find that one day as we deserve it โœจ

That’s also the reason why I don’t know if I will ever try therapy because I don’t know if it would help me as I have to move on from the past. I know I have to let it all out but I also have to let it go and not dwell in the past which only increase my anxiety. I also want to take yoga lessons ๐Ÿง˜โ€โ™€๏ธ in a class one day. From reading this book I’m learning that right now all is well. I do meditation sometimes with Yoga Girl’s podcasts which is amazing. I’m getting better with it than before. Sometimes I cry while meditating as I’m releasing my emotions. Children are always living in the present moment. I’m thinking about when we as adults stopped doing that. When did that happen? It’s sad because then everything makes sense. It’s normal to feel anxious when we are constantly thinking about the past or future. If we would think more often of the present, right now, how would we feel? I definitely would feel more at peace and less anxious. All is well. That’s going to be my mantra from now on. I know it’s difficult because anxiety often gets in the way but at least I can try.

Today was a good day too because I slept well last night and it was great weather. The sun was even shining a bit ๐ŸŒž. I got beautiful pen pal mail and Christmas presents from my friends in UK. Selena Gomez and Duncan Laurence released a new song which I loved ๐ŸŽถ. I still didn’t get my period which for one reason is good but I also don’t want to get it when I’m travelling to Spain next week. I had also fun meeting up with my best friend and had a delicious lunch together in Haarlem ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‹. We also went stationery shopping which is just the best. You will see what I bought in another post. I also saw her family later which I loved because they are basically my second family haha. Her father always says I’m his adopted daughter.

When I came back home I was walking to my home from the bus stop. I was listening to the birds and saw the Autumn leaves ๐Ÿ‚๐Ÿ๐Ÿƒ on the street. I saw the beautiful green trees. I could smell the Fall. I felt some wind on my face and right in that moment, I felt part of this universe. All is well I thought. Everything is exactly the way it’s because it’s suppose to be this way. I will find my way in life. The universe will always have my back. I’m so blessed so blessed to be alive right now. Thank you life for all the good and bad. I have tears in my eyes right now while writing this. I mean it. I really do. This life is so fragile. We really have to be thankful for all of it ๐Ÿ™โœจ๐Ÿ’—

“If I could stay in the moment and just be, I’d always come back to the same conclusion: all is well. Every time my mind took control, I challenged myself to not get pulled into panic mode.”

– To love and let go by Rachel Brathen

Thank you all for reading this post. I hope you understand what I just shared with you all. Do you also live more in the future than in the present moment? How does it make you feel? Do you also think a lot about life and death? Let me know lovelies. I’m always here for you ๐Ÿ’–. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

World Mental Health Day 2019, you are never alone ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ’—

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Today is a very important day in the world ๐ŸŒ. October the 10th is World Mental Health Day. I write about this every year as I find it so important. You can find my post of 2017 here and my post of 2018 here. I never want to write exactly the same every year because otherwise it would be borring haha. I suffer from a mental illness which is anxiety. They say 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness in their lives at one point. Suicide rates are really high and statistics have shown that there are more men who die by suicide than women. This is really shocking to know. I also read it in this article of BBC news. Today I’m going to talk about mental health stigma, anxiety and mental health related to gender.

To begin with, we all have mental and physical health. Our brains work together with our whole body. Some ignorant people still forget that. When I feel anxious I begin to have negative thoughts about life and death. I feel like I can’t move on in life. Right now, I’m again struggling with my mental health. I also think it’s because of the change from Summer to the Winter months. I never deal well with having less sunshine and daylight ๐Ÿ˜ญ. I can’t understand why people don’t understand that our body and mine are one and that everything is connected. So, when I begin to have unrealistic thoughts and think about all the bad things which can happen if I do a certain thing then I already begin to feel anxious. This means that I begin to feel nauseous, dizzy, feel my heart beating really fast, feel my breath becoming faster and just feel so bad. This eventually can get worse which can result in having a panic attack, totally feeling out of control and in my case also having to vomit. What I fear the most is going through that again and it just feels like I’m going to die.

We are all living in the 21th century. It’s 2019 and there are still people who feel like it’s okay to judge someone who is struggling with their mental health. I really can’t understand that. How can that be possible?! It makes me sad but most of all it makes me so angry ๐Ÿ˜ก. Life is though for everyone of us. We all deal with our own problems and struggles in life. I really do believe life is even thougher for someone going with a mental illness. The mind plays with us which makes it dangerous. How can someone say to one who is dealing with an eating disorder that they just have to eat a bit more or eat less? Why do people say to someone who is going through anxiety to just be happy and stop worrying? How they hell can people say to just go out of bed when someone is struggling with a severe depression? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT ๐Ÿ™„. Some people don’t know what it’s like to go through a mental illness because they have never gone through it but there are also some other people who just want to hurt others with their hurtful comments.

I just had to say this because I’m done with these comments. I’m done hearing from a “friend” say to me that I don’t try hard enough to get a job and move on in life. I’m done with hearing I’m lazy because I sleep a lot. I’m done hearing to snap out of it because I just can’t. Having a mental illness is a complex and difficult think to have and for others to understand. I don’t even understand my brain so how can someone help me when I can’t explain it either. If I could snap out of it all then I would already have done it. Give me that magic bottle of that witch ๐Ÿง™โ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ”ฎ and I will drink it all. WHOEHOEEE NO ANXIETY ANYMORE I’M SO HAPPY. Well, unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. I really wish it would be that simple. I’m not going to therapy and still don’t know if I will go one day. I already said a few posts ago that I went to a woman who wasn’t a real psychologist a few years ago and had to vomit every time I had to go. I told it to her and she said it could be that I just don’t want to let myself seen. It’s really true. I hide myself all the time. I always avoid everything I fear and everything what makes me uncomfortable such as going to the dentist and other social situations. I also don’t know if therapy would really work for me. I don’t know if I will ever be free of anxiety. If I talk about anxiety, I get anxious. For me, what would be helpful is talking about the things I struggle with while taking action. Solving problems and thoughtful thinking.

Therapy isn’t for everyone as well as medication isn’t good for everyone. Natural medication doesn’t help my anxiety as I have tried lots of stuff such as St. John’s Wort and Valerian Root. I also took for two years a low dose of antidepressants just 20mg and it didn’t work as I think it was too less. What works for me is an anti anxiety medication such as Valium or Bromazepam. I only take this when I feel high anxiety or when I’m close to a panic attack. I know it isn’t good to take it often but sometimes you just need it. Taking medication for a physical health illness is okay so why would it be shameful to take something for our mental illness? Our mental health is as important as our physical health.

What for me also helps in dealing with anxiety is doing the things which makes me happy to be alive such as my passions. I love loads of things. As Taylor Swift says, we are the things we love ๐Ÿ’—. I love writing, reading good books ๐Ÿ“š, blogging (of course lol!), singing ๐ŸŽถ, surfing ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ, listening to music, swimming in the sea, having fun with my friends and family, photography and travelling. What I also love is following people like on this blog or on Instagram who make me feel good about myself and who inspire me. I love to follow artists such as Ariana Grande, Julia Michaels, Talor Swift, Duncan Laurence, Aitana, Alfred Garcรญa, Rosalรญa, Amaia, Sofia Ellar, Alvaro Soler, Ed Sheeran, Passenger and many more who make me happy and who align with my being โœจ. I also love Yoga Girl her postcasts so much and everything she does for this world. She’s my biggest inspiration in life ๐Ÿ˜. I really am so happy to have these people in my life as they make me so happy. I wish to meet them all (I met some of them) and enjoy their concerts live.

I really do believe that having a community such as the blogging community, Yoga Girl community or pen pal community makes our life better. Being surrounded by people who make us feel good about ourselves is so important as it can make us feel less alone. It makes us feel that we belong somewhere and that everything we feel is real and valid ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’—. I love to be honest, vulnerable and sensitive. I really do believe that the only way we can heal our hearts is with opening our hearts and share all the ugly and beautiful things in life. We heal the world with healing ourselves first. All my friends in real life or online, my family or the people I follow on social media are honest about themselves. I only crave real connections in life. I’m done with all those fake people with their fake bodies and lives. That only makes me feel worse especially when I feel anxious.

What I would like to see in the upcoming year and all the years which have to come is that we all can talk openly about our mental health and mental illnesses. I would like people to be more compassionate and show empathy. We need that in order to speak up. When you see someone struggling, be there for that person. Sometimes we need advice but sometimes all we need is someone who says that they will be there for us and give us a hug. It’s the little things which count. I also would like that society treats women and men equally in this subject of mental health. Men are not less a man because they show their emotions or because they have to cry. Women are not crazy for showing their emotions or for being more emotional. We all show our emotions in our own ways and are equal. Hopefully then the rates of suicide will be less.

I also do believe we all need the help we deserve. Going through a mental illness can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what your nationality is or what gender you have. It can effect anyone of us at any moment in our lives. There needs to be better treatment available which makes asking for helping easier. The waiting lists has to change, people need to get good help after being in crisis, and just a lot of other things need to change in this system so that it can be available for everyone. People with a low income or those who are unemployed also have to get the help they need. It breaks my heart to see how in some countries there are people struggling with their mental health with no help at all ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข.

Always remember that you are loved and that you are not alone in this. Every day is world mental health day. Let’s stay together to end this taboo of mental health stigma. We arenโ€™t crazy in our minds. We are sick. We all need help, support and compassion. To raise awareness about world mental health day you can donate money to a mental health organization, you can draw a circle on your hand with the hastag #iamwhole or wear something yellow with the hastag #helloyellow and post it on social media. Let’s do this all together ๐Ÿ’ชโค๏ธ

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. Thank you for always being there for me like I will always be there for you all too. We are all in this together. Which mental illness do you suffer from? What helps you to feel better? What do you think of the mental health stigma? What do you think has to improve in the mental health system? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Will I ever make my wildest and biggest dreams come true?

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I wanted to write a more uplifting post today but I feel like I can’t. I cried last night for a few hours and I just have to write it down here. I always have to write about how I’m feeling on that moment because if I don’t do it that moment will pass and I wouldn’t be able to write about it anymore. It wouldn’t feel real anymore. I would never fake how I feel on my blog because then I wouldn’t be honest and authentic on my blog. I always want to be honest in real life and online. This blog post will be about some feelings and thoughts I have lately, why I cried last night, and about reaching our dreams.

So, last night I was just scrolling through Intagram when I saw a picture of one of my best friends with her boyfriend and then I saw something more and was in shock ๐Ÿคฏ. I just couldn’t stop crying. My good friend got engaged and didn’t tell me anything. I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend. I was like what?! I felt left out and hurt. Some hours has passed and I still feel that way. I had to cry so much. I’m not jealous of her. I always want the best for everyone and want everyone to be happy. I’m also on my period so I’m even more emotional and sensitive for everything. Even though I’m sometimes in Spain for a few months and then I come back to The Netherlands I always love to keep in contact with my friends and family. When such a good friend doesn’t say such an important thing of their life well I guess it’s normally to feel left out and lonely. I also am afraid or friendship will change. I’m so afraid of loosing people. The break up of my first love makes me extremely afraid of people walking away from my life. Of course, I have to be happy for my friend which I’m but then I began to think negatively about my own life and how far behind I’m with the rest of my friends. I feel like I’m the only one not reaching milestones in life.

You know that moment you are lying in bed and you feel like your whole world is crashing down? Well, that’s what happened last night. It’s not only this news which makes me feel that way. I feel lost for so long in my life. For like two years I feel like I’m just surviving through life instead of living. I can’t move on in life because of anxiety ๐Ÿ˜”. My mother understand me the best and says I have to go to the doctor for it. I had some talks a few years ago with a social worker and got nauseous every time so yeah I don’t know if that would help. My mother takes valium so sometimes when I’m really anxious I take that from her too and I also have some anti anxiety meds being subscribed from the doctor in Spain. My father is also there for me but I would prefer if I ever ask for help as in therapy do it in Spain. There are really good professionals out there. To be honest I’m also afraid of asking for help and speaking up.

It’s something that I keep repeating and I’m sorry if I write about this much lately like I did in this blog post. It’s just how I feel often. It makes me depressed and anxious to see all people moving on with their lives while I can’t. Many of my friends are in a relationship, are getting jobs and moving in with each other. I feel like I will be the last one to settle down or will not reach anything in life. Do we have to reach some goal in life or is it all just a myth of society to keep us going? It’s not that I want to die even though I really say that a lot to my mother mostly and I also think it a lot. I will never do anything to myself. I would be too scared for that. It’s just and always have been that I’m afraid of death but also of life and therefore I can’t move on in life. It’s so hard. It’s though to feel this way as I don’t know what the solution would be.

What felt good last night was that in those bad moments I always write in the Yoga Girl Community on Facebook. It’s my safe space like this blog ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™. It feels good to know that you aren’t alone with your thoughts and feelings. This all can feel too much and makes me feel so lonely. It makes me feel a bit better to know that there’s someone out there who also is feeling your feelings and maybe even in that moment. It makes it feel less isolating. Being a highly sensitive person is just so overwhelming sometimes. It’s a blessing but sometimes also a curse because every little thing hit me in life. I worry too much, I get anxious fast and I feel every emotion of all the people I love in life. It’s hard to be sensitive in a world where not everyone understands that.

What I’m the most afraid of is thinking that I won’t reach my dreams in life. I’m happy seeing my friends and all the people I love getting married, having babies and doing all the things they love. I just wish I will live the life I dream of too in the future. Yesterday I applied again to a job which is to work for the surf brand O’Neill in a shop in Spain. I just never get any reply back from a job and if I get one then it’s mostly negative. It makes me feel like I want to give up on everything in life. I’m tired. Really. I’m so tired of everything. I’m 26 years, still so young and have my life ahead of me. How can I say that? It’s just how I feel. Feeling anxious about a lot of things and going through life while feeling anxious is really exhausting. I just wish there would be a cure to that. I just also always feel like nothing makes sense if we all die one day. It makes me go in a negative state and it’s hard to let those thoughts go in that moment.

The most inspiring thing of all of this is that YES OF COURSE I HAVE DREAMS โœจ. I want to be able to say I went for it and made them all come true. I just don’t know how to begin. I want to write a poetry book and maybe publish it. I want to be able to surf well and surf some waves ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ๐ŸŒŠ. I want to travel the world and go to amazing places like Costa Rica, Hawaii, California and Aruba ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡ผ ๐ŸŒด. I want to take singing ๐ŸŽถ classes or maybe join a choir again. I want to go to the yoga retreat of Yoga Girl in Aruba. I would love to have a house on the beach and see the sea every time I wake up. I just want to live a happy life, do the things I love, be surrounded by the people I love and not feel constantly anxious about everything. Most of all, I just want to heal myself while I heal others in this world ๐ŸŒ. Is that too much to ask for? I want to be of service in this world and I know that will be the key to contribute to the world while feeling purposeful. Just writing these sentences makes me cry because deep down in my heart I know that I have a purpose. It’s just that I don’t know how to make all these dreams happen and I find it hard to find a specific job in something I love to do. Then I feel overwhelmed and get anxious of all of it and don’t do anything.

One of my best pen pal friends wrote me some lovely messages today and one of them was that I’m being too hard on myself. It’s definitely true and I always have been way too hard on myself. I also sometimes feel that I give more love then I will ever receive in my life which I wrote about in this blog post. I truly believe that there are some people born who give more love than they will ever receive back. I’m also one of them. I’m a giver. I give too much and you can’t go on in life when you are constantly giving and not receiving the same love back. It makes it all so exhausting. I have to be able to set more boundaries.

So back to my question. Will I ever be able to make my big dreams come true? Maybe I will but it all just takes time. It’s also okay if I think of new dreams and throw other dreams in the bin. Life changes constantly and so do we. Experiences change us. Our interest changes within the years through life. We have just this one life. We are all doing the best we can. It’s okay to cry, to be angry and to be happy. My most important lesson of today was that it’s okay to feel. Let it be ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™.

To love and let go, love and let go, love and let go…it’s the single most important thing we can learn in this lifetime.– Rachel Brathen

Rachel Brathen also called Yoga Girl which is my biggest inspiration in life wrote a new book which is about loss, gratitude and love. She lost her best friend in a car accident while she was going through surgery for her appendix. It’s a heartbreaking story. I’m ready to heal my heart while reading this book. It will come this week by post. I need it. It’s about all kinds of loss in life.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also feel this way? What advice would you give me? How do I feel less lonely and more purposeful in life? How can we all reach our wildest dreams while being fearful and anxious all the time? Let me know lovelies. Your words and advice are always so appreciated ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™. I love you all so much. Thank you for always holding space for me. I will be there for you too. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

World Suicide Prevention Day ๐Ÿ•ฏ๏ธ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I wrote this for World Suicide Prevention Day and shared it on Instagram but never here. It was 10 September but it’s never too late to share it here too. September is also Suicide Prevention Month. It’s an important topic that has to be spoken about. Also as I consider myself a menta health blogger and advocate I keep on writing about this topic. I also suffer from anxiety as you know by now so writing about it makes me feel less alone. We can be there for each other. We have to be vulnerable, honest and help each other. Only then can we all heal in this world ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•โœจ.

Today is an important day because it’s World Suicide Prevention Day. This has to be important every day, not only just today. There are two important projects/organizations which help people in need with the prevention of suicide which are TWLOHA and the Proyect Semicolon. It’s important that organizations and also NGO’s help all the people in need. There still has to be a lot of improvement in the help we all need. Waiting lists are way too long, help is not always available in the right time and also the treatment is not being right sometimes. So there still need to change a lot in the mental health sector to be better accessible for everyone in need ๐Ÿ’—.

Suicide is still one of the main causes of death in this world. More than 800.000 people die each year by suicide. That’s one person every 40 seconds. Women tend to have more suicidal thoughts whereas there are more men who die by suicide. Men are more silence about their struggles than women. I believe in equality so everyone has the right to speak up about their emotions or feelings regardless their gender. Speaking up is a sign of strength and is not a weakness. Crying is also not a weakness. We all cry. Sometimes we hold so much in us that at the end we fell apart. That means that you have been strong for way too long. It’s okay to fall apart as we find ourselves back with breaking apart and letting ourselves go. Let it all go โœจ.

I think a person who has a mental illness can have suicidal thoughts. It’s more easier for them as they are already struggling with their mental health. I suffer from anxiety myself and also have these thoughts sometimes. I know that I will not act on it so I feel like my struggles don’t even matter. You have to know that no problem is worse than any other problem, how little or big it. We all matter and what we feel is real. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I just wish we would treat every mental illness with respect, compassion and understanding. Everyone deserve help and every experience is valid. Not because someone has it worse than you means that your feelings and thoughts don’t count.

I’m blessed for all the beautiful and amazing people I know in my life, online and in real life. Thank you for the friends and family who are always there for me โค๏ธ . I will also be there for anyone in this world who need to speak up about it. I still feel like I can speak about it easier online or with people who really understand me. It’s still somehow a taboo and this needs to end. The only way to help each other is to be able to speak up about our struggles in our mental health. We all have physical and mental health. We can all suffer from it and can suffer from a mental illness. It has no race, gender, sexuality or nationality.

The point is suicide is everywhere around us. We can’t close our eyes and act like we don’t see it. I really hate how people care about others when it’s too late. We have to check on our loved ones when we see the signs to be able to prevent suicide. Not all is lost if we keep raising awareness about it. Also instutions and mental health centers have to be able to help people in need whenever they need it. Nowadays I hear a lot of bad stories of how there’s only help available when it’s almost too late and also stories that doesn’t end well. You matter and your feelings are valid. When you are in crisis you need to be able to get the help you need in that moment and you deserve to have a great treatment afterwards to not fall back into crisis again. Also I think suicide prevention is very important. Workers in the mental health sector have to intervent early such as with suicide prevention. This hopefully could lead to less people dying by suicide.

I really know we can help each other and make this world a better place to live in if we all commit to it ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™. There needs to be help available for everyone who needs it. I hope that I can help these people in the future. I hope to be of service for those who need it. Tomorrow needs me because my purpose in life is to heal myself while helping others. Remember, you are loved. You are worth it. You are enough even if you don’t feel that all the time. You really are SO enough. The world is brighter because of YOU! We need the darkness in life to find the light at the end of it. You are never alone ๐Ÿ’—. We are all in this together ๐Ÿ’ช

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. What do you think of suicide prevention? Do you think it would help? What do you think needs to change in the mental health sector to be it accessible for everyone? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I feel like everyone is living their best life, except me

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I just needed to write this down here and share it with you all. I hope my thoughts make some sense as these feelings and thoughts make me feel bad and sad ๐Ÿ˜ข. I have this in my mind for so long right now that I just need to let it out. The best place to let it out is here on my blog writing about it. I’m going to write about how I feel right now. I feel like everyone is living their best life, except me. It’s like I’m stuck in this place in life and I don’t know how to seem to get out of it. It hurt me.

I feel like everyone is going on with their lives and enjoying their lives while I’m stuck in this hole. I’m stuck in a place and I don’t know how to get myself out of it. I’m not depressed but anxiety gets in my way and makes me also feel this way. I know everything you see on social media isn’t real because most people only show the good things in life like when they get a great job, are getting married ๐Ÿ’, have a baby or buy a house ๐Ÿก . I see so many people I know achieving all big milestones in life while I just watch them from the sideline. It still hurt me sometimes to look at those pictures and think wow I’m 26 years old and I’m so behind in life. I struggle to find a job as you all know by now. I’m single and have no driver license. I sometimes get sad and also anxious about how I feel like nothing is going right in my life. I’m just surviving instead of living.

Some people I follow share their best travel pictures and go to amazing places where I dream of going to ๐ŸŒŠ๐ŸŒด๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ ๐ŸŒž. I know I also travel and have fun with my family and friends but that doesn’t mean it’s all okay. We all struggle but not everyone shows it in this world we live in. This is also the reason why I’m so looking into real friendships, relationships or any other connection may it be online or in real life. I crave honesty, empathy, compassion and understanding. I don’t want to be surrounded by toxic or fake people. I have done that in the past and it only made me feel worse in the long term. Being bullied during high school also makes me feel more careful around people now as I don’t want to get hurt again. It’s like I have a wall surrounding myself which is also not always good to have. I just wish people would be more real these days as I just can’t deal with all the fake people and things out there in this world ๐Ÿ’”. Is it too much to ask for realness in this world? Does it mean more for people to be fake just to impress others? I really don’t know. I just know that being real is what I want to be all my life even though that means loosing people who aren’t on the same vibe as I’m.

You know that feeling when you see someone who used to be your friend but you don’t even talk much anymore and then they ask you how are you are doing and about your life? Well, I just don’t want to talk about the truth with certain people as many people are only curious, want to gossip around about the things you said and don’t even care at all. They will tell you how awesome their life is and all that fake stuff which I can’t deal with. I just always have to lie about things in my life which I don’t like because I want to be real. In those moments I just don’t know what to say. I don’t like lying but I also don’t like to share intimate stuff with people who don’t even care. It’s none of their business you know. I have always been that sweet, innocent girl and I still am in some ways but I also don’t want that people take adventage of me anymore because of my soft personality.

I’m maybe not the only one who think they are behind in life. I know life is not a timeline of things we have to achieve at a certain age but society constantly throws it on our face. It’s hard to not look away from it and think about it in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. When I say to people in The Netherlands I still live at home they look strange at me. In Spain children live like for so long with their parents. I really love that family is important in Spain as when the parents are older the children care about them. I think that’s also a normal thing to do when your parents have cared about you your whole life. I love my parents and they are the most important people in my life together with my whole family and all my friends in real life and online of course ๐Ÿ’–. It’s just that society will not stop with these messages. We have to know that it’s our life and that everything is okay. We have to tell ourselves that everything we do in life is at the right time. We are all different and we all lead different lives. If we would be all the same it would be pretty boring.

I also have to remind myself that I’m doing my best and that that is enough. People think anxiety is an excuse for not doing certain things such as working. I would love to feel good and be able to do a good job. I’m applying for jobs but often don’t hear back. They will say I’m lazy, don’t try hard enough or that the things which takes me effort cause me anxiety. It’s true that working, going to the dentist, doctors and all that stuff scare me and cause me anxiety and sometimes also panic attacks. It’s not my fault. I don’t get anxiety when I travel only during the flight or when I have fun with my friends at a concert. I guess some people think that people who suffer from a mental illness just make everything up so that we don’t have to work or do scary stuff. I’m happy with the friends, family, blogging community, pen pals and the yoga girl community. I love all your support and appreciate it so much ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™. I also heard lately how I’m not doing an effort of feeling better because of suffering of anxiety. I don’t know if going to therapy would help me because I was vomiting and nauseous all the time when I went to speak to someone a few years ago. I don’t want to go through that again. Going to doctors, dentists and all that stuff makes me anxious so yeah it’s a circle where I don’t go of so I don’t know what to do.

I just wish that we all will achieve our dreams. I have so many dreams but I don’t know how to reach them and that’s when I get stuck and can’t move forward out of fear. We all deserve to achieve our dreams and live a life we are happy about. I hope that we can all find that happiness we are looking for โœจ. I also just wish people would be more understanding these days especially for the ones who are struggling. I will keep raising awareness about mental health. It helps for me to be vulnerable enough to write it all down. Maybe it will help someone to feel less alone. Maybe you also feel this way and can share it with me. Maybe we can help each other and find a way out of this mess. Life is a beautiful mess and I’m so happy to be on this road all together. May we laugh. May we cry. May we always stick together for the end of our times ๐Ÿ’–.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all understand what I just told you about. Can you relate to my feelings? Do you also feel like everyone is living their best life while you feel behind? How are you doing in life right now? Let me know lovelies. I will be always be there for you like you all are there for me โค๏ธ. That will never change. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Poem: How would my life be without fear?

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

This will be just a short post about a poem I made a month ago. I still feel this way though. It’s good to put my thoughts and feelings in words. I hope you will understand what I feel with this poem I made. I often feel like I’m just surviving and existing in life than that I’m really living the life I want. I’m afraid of death and I shared those thoughts in this blog post a while ago. However, I’m also afraid of life because I’m not living a life that brings me happiness because of anxiety. I hope that that will change in the future ๐Ÿ™.

๐‘ฏ๐’๐’˜ ๐’˜๐’๐’–๐’๐’… ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’๐’Š๐’‡๐’† ๐’ƒ๐’† ๐’˜๐’Š๐’•๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’‡๐’†๐’‚๐’“?

My life would be so different because I wouldn’t feel so extremely anxious for everyday life things such as going to the dentist or going to the doctors.

I would follow my dreams and know that I can reach them like getting a job in Spain and writing a poetry book.

I would join a choir again or do something with singing for sure because I love to sing ๐ŸŽถ It makes me so happy ๐Ÿ’—. Music is life like I always say.

I wouldn’t be afraid of death because I know that my life is purposeful and fulfilling.

I would speak up in real life more instead of hiding myself and avoiding people and confrontation.

I wouldn’t think all the time that people are angry at me.

I would be more happy with myself and with my life.

I would go into the ocean and learn to actually surf waves ๐ŸŒŠ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ and maybe even big waves.

I would let go of the past and be less afraid of the future.

I would deal better with having changes in my life.

I would travel the world ๐ŸŒ and go to amazing places like Aruba ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡ผ, Costa Rica ๐ŸŒž, Hawaii ๐ŸŒด and California ๐ŸŒŠ. I would go to the @yoga_girl retreat in Aruba and have the time of my life.

I would live my life the way I want and be less afraid of what people think of me.

I would let go of others expectations.

I would know how to deal with anxiety better.

But most of all, 
I would just be much more happier, be more at peace with myself and live the life I dream of.

Hopefully, one day I can say that I made it ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿ’— after all the hard times I have faced in my life.

That’s what I and we all deserve.

To live a life we are happy about, do the things we love to do with the people we love.

Thank you all so much for reading my poem. I hope you all liked it ๐Ÿ’—. Do you also feel that way in life? How do you deal with fear in life? Are you more of facing your fears or running away from them? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Life is for the living ๐Ÿ’—๐ŸŒŒ

Hey lovely bloggers ๐Ÿ’•,

Today I want to write about something I thought one night and still think sometimes. These are some thoughts which I think a lot of and can’t seem to let them go. I hope you can understand them and can somehow relate to them. I miss sharing my thoughts and feelings on here which was also the reason I began this blog. I just felt the need to write them down and what better way to share them here on my blog.

So, one Summer night I was sitting in the car with my friends and we were driving back home from celebrating a birthday of our friend. I was looking at the stars from the window of the car and thought of life. I think a lot of this life we are living. I thought about the purpose of life. I think a lot of it actually. I thought of the universe โœจ . It always amazes me and also terrifies me at the same time. We are a drop in the ocean like a drop in the universe. We are nothing compared to the big universe yet we are everything. Life wouldn’t be the same without us all here. Sometimes when I feel bad I think this life is worthless and I don’t understand why I’m living. It makes me feel worse as I think of all the pain and injustice in the world. I often think that it’s difficult to be that sensitive girl in this hard world. People can be so mean and really life can be so so hard and break your whole heart ๐Ÿ’”.

However, I still believe even though during those times that I’m struggling or feeling anxious that we are here living this life for a reason. Even when life breaks our heart in many ways we are here for a reason. In those moments when I look up at the sky and see the stars โœจ shining so brightly and see the moon ๐ŸŒœ๐ŸŒ› following us while we are driving I get emotional. It’s just amazing to think how we all ended up here and our living this life in this beautiful world. We may not always find it beautiful and life can be so hard but there are still moments like this that make it all worth it. I truly believe in that. I’m grateful for all the good people I have in my life. I love my family and friends. I love my blogging friends, pen pal friends and I love to be in the Yoga Girl community. Life is all about sharing love to ourselves and giving that love to others ๐Ÿ’—. That’s why we are living this life.

Those moments I look up at the sky while being at the backseat of the car of my friend I began to think of my purpose in life. Am I doing some purposeful things in life? I’m still looking for a job and feel like I don’t have my life together. I’m still struggling with anxiety about getting a job, going to the dentist or other everyday life things. It’s all okay because I’m still living this life the best I can. I may not earn money from the things I do right now in life but at least I can say I’m making people happy. At least I’m trying, really I am. Even when some people from the outside think we aren’t doing our best, we really are. Don’t compare yourself to someone else their highs in life. We all go through ups and downs in life. Not everyone shows it. This blog means so much for me. I’m able to speak my thoughts and emotions out loud and can help people who struggle with life or feel alone. I have always thought that I’m here to help others and that helping others will heal me too ๐Ÿ’—. I truly believe that’s true. I love to share the truth, be honest and be vulnerable with myself and with you all.

Eventually the universe will give us what we want at the moment we need it. We have to take action but what’s meant to be, will be. At least, that’s what I believe in. I also believe that of course having a job and earning money is important to become independent and be able to care for yourself but the little moments in life are what makes life beautiful. You can earn millions of money, be famous and still feel unhappy. Maybe you are only doing it for the money but you don’t feel purposeful. That will not give you the happiness in life you need. We live for those little moments in life such as seeing a baby smiling at his parents, swimming in the ocean on a Summer day, feeling the warmth on your skin or drinking a tea with your mother during a cold Winter night. All the big things like getting a promotion at work, marriage or getting a new house will not mean anything if you don’t appreciate the little moments in between. Those extra ordinary moments are what make this life beautiful ๐ŸŒŸ .

At the end of our lives, it’s all about how much love you gave to yourself and to others. You will also remind yourself of all the beautiful memories you made, the friendships you made along the way, the places you have been to, the books you have read, the journals you have written, the music you have played and danced along. It’s all about love because that’s what matters the most in life. To love and be loved. You won’t remember the bad times as much as the good times. Your happiness is the most important thing that you will be reminded of. Never ever forget that. You deserve all the good things in life.

It’s all about living a life according to your values and not impressing people you don’t even like. When I got bullied during high school I was always thinking that if I changed myself maybe then those bullies would like me and treat me differently. Thinking of this back I know now that it wasn’t okay to think that way as I don’t have to change myself for anybody. We are all different and that’s what makes us all beautiful. We aren’t here to impress people. We are here to help ourselves and others. We are here to heal ourselves. We are here to feel peace within ourselves. We are here to love each other no matter what. We are here to give hope to people who have lost it. We are here to live because life is for the living.

This song also inspired me to write this post. I love the music of Passenger. This song is called Life’s for the living.

“Don’t you cry for the lost
Smile for the living
Get what you need and give what you’re given
Life’s for the living so live it
Or you’re better off dead”

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I really liked writing it. I wrote it when I got a lot of inspiration. I always get inspired by looking up at the sky and seeing the shining stars in the sky. Did you too get inspired? What do you think of living a purposeful life? What do you think your purpose is in life? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Life struggles

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Today I want to talk about how I’m feeling lately especially last week. I have been struggling with life, with myself and just everything in general. I love to always be honest here because this community as well as the Yoga Girl community on Facebook and the mental health community on Instagram are always there for me ๐Ÿ’–. In this fake world I’m so happy to have found a place where I can be ๐Ÿ’ฏ% myself, vulnerable and honest. There are so many fake people out there who say they are your friend which isn’t true. They don’t care about how you are really feeling. They are just curious and want to gossip around. That’s just the sad reality.

So, I feel that life is a struggle lately. I’m having such a bad sleep routine like always. I’m sorry if I keep repeating myself. I can’t sleep the whole night and then have to sleep in the middle of the night until the afternoon. I really hope I can change this routine soon because it isn’t good for my health to live like this. I feel bad too because I saw my mother crying a few days ago. It hurts me the most to see her crying because she’s always so strong but at the end she breaks down like everyone. She was not feeling well and she also don’t like to see me suffering ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ’”.

I’m also struggling, feeling emotional and anxious because of being so afraid of going once to the dentist. I know I have to do it one day but I keep postponing it because of fear. My four wisdom teeth are impacted. I know my wisdom teeth need to get out since like two years ago or so. Dentist anxiety is real and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not the only one who suffers with this. I had a bad experience with a dentist in The Netherlands who called me childish and said I was acting like someone who has 15 years old. This caused me having a panic attack after the visit. This also increased my dental anxiety more.

Last September I went to the dentist here in Spain where my mother also had to do a dental implant. He is really handsome haha and also nice. He understands my anxiety and didn’t find it strange or weird that I was crying there. I know they are all 4 impacted but as the dentist here said it’s better to get it done one by one. I don’t want anyone to push me to do it so hopefully I can face this fear this Summer. Summer time is for happiness but I know I have to do it. I also felt strange things sometimes in my mouth, have a bad stomach and I’m nauseous sometimes. Maybe it is because of my wisdom teeth. I was crying these nights and being emotional also because I have my period. Maybe, I could take valium from my mother to use it when I go to the dentist. If anyone knows a tip or something I would really appeciate it. I know that at the end all my worries don’t come out. It’s just that horrible feeling of anxiety which makes me feel like I can’t cope with it. I know many people who suffer from a mental illness know how hard it is to not listen to our mind and all our worries. It isn’t so easily to snap out of it. I just can’t.

I also am still struggling with finding a job. My dream is to live and work in Spain but it’s difficult. If you want to work in the public sector in Spain you need to do an exam. Even then it is difficult to get the job. I apply for jobs in hotels on Infojobs and other websites but I don’t get an answer. I’m also so anxious to get a job because of anxiety. I just don’t know how to do it. I wish I could find a job that is meaningful and purposeful. I didn’t hear anything back from the internship interview in April. I think the hotel needed to have a confirmation for an agreement with my university. I can’t have that since I graduated two years ago. It just feels that my life is standing still while others are going on with their life. I’m just surviving. Afraid of life and afraid of death, what a way of existing.

Also Summer time is here and it’s my fav season ๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒŠ but I also sometimes feel the pressure to be happy all the time. Anxiety doesn’t go away just because it’s Summer. I still can be anxious with things. I also don’t like the heatwave this week. Today it was 37 degrees and tomorrow it will be 41 degrees. I stayed at home today because I also don’t feel good because of this heatwave and having my period. I get these horrible cramps, feel dizzy and have headaches. Thanks to medication and paracatemol it makes it a bit better. 40 degrees is really too much for me and makes me feel sick. Together with my period it’s just the worst ๐Ÿ˜ข. I hope I will survive it ๐Ÿ”ฅ

I really love Summer and enjoy being in the sunshine. I also love to go for walks with my mother or read a nice book or magazine on a bench or on the grass. I bought some nice books last week which I will share in a book haul soon when they arrive. Bad moments don’t go away just because it’s Summer. We have to accept that and live with it. I also can’t wait to really enjoy Summer time. I can’t wait to go surfing, swimming ๐ŸŠ and go to the beach ๐Ÿ„๐ŸŒŠ๐ŸŒž. I also love blogging and penpalling. It’s important to do things we love to do and to have fun. I just hope we all can have a great Summer and enjoy it as we deserve it. I hope we will have good moments full of love, peace and happiness โœŒ๏ธ. I hope we can overcome the bad moments all together ๐Ÿ’ช We are always in this together ๐Ÿ’— It feels good to let my thoughts and feelings out here as I feel like I don’t have to carry it all on my own because that makes it too heavy.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it somehow made some sense to you. Do you also sometimes feel like life is a struggle? Can you relate to what I feel and how would you cope? Does Summer makes you feel like you have to be happy all the time? I hope you can give me some advice to overcome my fears as I would really appreciate it ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’—. Thank you for always being there for me. It means the world to me. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina