World Suicide Prevention Day πŸ•―οΈπŸ’—πŸ™

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I wrote this for World Suicide Prevention Day and shared it on Instagram but never here. It was 10 September but it’s never too late to share it here too. September is also Suicide Prevention Month. It’s an important topic that has to be spoken about. Also as I consider myself a menta health blogger and advocate I keep on writing about this topic. I also suffer from anxiety as you know by now so writing about it makes me feel less alone. We can be there for each other. We have to be vulnerable, honest and help each other. Only then can we all heal in this world πŸ™πŸ’•βœ¨.

Today is an important day because it’s World Suicide Prevention Day. This has to be important every day, not only just today. There are two important projects/organizations which help people in need with the prevention of suicide which are TWLOHA and the Proyect Semicolon. It’s important that organizations and also NGO’s help all the people in need. There still has to be a lot of improvement in the help we all need. Waiting lists are way too long, help is not always available in the right time and also the treatment is not being right sometimes. So there still need to change a lot in the mental health sector to be better accessible for everyone in need πŸ’—.

Suicide is still one of the main causes of death in this world. More than 800.000 people die each year by suicide. That’s one person every 40 seconds. Women tend to have more suicidal thoughts whereas there are more men who die by suicide. Men are more silence about their struggles than women. I believe in equality so everyone has the right to speak up about their emotions or feelings regardless their gender. Speaking up is a sign of strength and is not a weakness. Crying is also not a weakness. We all cry. Sometimes we hold so much in us that at the end we fell apart. That means that you have been strong for way too long. It’s okay to fall apart as we find ourselves back with breaking apart and letting ourselves go. Let it all go ✨.

I think a person who has a mental illness can have suicidal thoughts. It’s more easier for them as they are already struggling with their mental health. I suffer from anxiety myself and also have these thoughts sometimes. I know that I will not act on it so I feel like my struggles don’t even matter. You have to know that no problem is worse than any other problem, how little or big it. We all matter and what we feel is real. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I just wish we would treat every mental illness with respect, compassion and understanding. Everyone deserve help and every experience is valid. Not because someone has it worse than you means that your feelings and thoughts don’t count.

I’m blessed for all the beautiful and amazing people I know in my life, online and in real life. Thank you for the friends and family who are always there for me ❀️ . I will also be there for anyone in this world who need to speak up about it. I still feel like I can speak about it easier online or with people who really understand me. It’s still somehow a taboo and this needs to end. The only way to help each other is to be able to speak up about our struggles in our mental health. We all have physical and mental health. We can all suffer from it and can suffer from a mental illness. It has no race, gender, sexuality or nationality.

The point is suicide is everywhere around us. We can’t close our eyes and act like we don’t see it. I really hate how people care about others when it’s too late. We have to check on our loved ones when we see the signs to be able to prevent suicide. Not all is lost if we keep raising awareness about it. Also instutions and mental health centers have to be able to help people in need whenever they need it. Nowadays I hear a lot of bad stories of how there’s only help available when it’s almost too late and also stories that doesn’t end well. You matter and your feelings are valid. When you are in crisis you need to be able to get the help you need in that moment and you deserve to have a great treatment afterwards to not fall back into crisis again. Also I think suicide prevention is very important. Workers in the mental health sector have to intervent early such as with suicide prevention. This hopefully could lead to less people dying by suicide.

I really know we can help each other and make this world a better place to live in if we all commit to it πŸŒπŸ’—πŸ™. There needs to be help available for everyone who needs it. I hope that I can help these people in the future. I hope to be of service for those who need it. Tomorrow needs me because my purpose in life is to heal myself while helping others. Remember, you are loved. You are worth it. You are enough even if you don’t feel that all the time. You really are SO enough. The world is brighter because of YOU! We need the darkness in life to find the light at the end of it. You are never alone πŸ’—. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. What do you think of suicide prevention? Do you think it would help? What do you think needs to change in the mental health sector to be it accessible for everyone? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I feel like everyone is living their best life, except me

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I just needed to write this down here and share it with you all. I hope my thoughts make some sense as these feelings and thoughts make me feel bad and sad 😒. I have this in my mind for so long right now that I just need to let it out. The best place to let it out is here on my blog writing about it. I’m going to write about how I feel right now. I feel like everyone is living their best life, except me. It’s like I’m stuck in this place in life and I don’t know how to seem to get out of it. It hurt me.

I feel like everyone is going on with their lives and enjoying their lives while I’m stuck in this hole. I’m stuck in a place and I don’t know how to get myself out of it. I’m not depressed but anxiety gets in my way and makes me also feel this way. I know everything you see on social media isn’t real because most people only show the good things in life like when they get a great job, are getting married πŸ’, have a baby or buy a house 🏑 . I see so many people I know achieving all big milestones in life while I just watch them from the sideline. It still hurt me sometimes to look at those pictures and think wow I’m 26 years old and I’m so behind in life. I struggle to find a job as you all know by now. I’m single and have no driver license. I sometimes get sad and also anxious about how I feel like nothing is going right in my life. I’m just surviving instead of living.

Some people I follow share their best travel pictures and go to amazing places where I dream of going to πŸŒŠπŸŒ΄πŸ„β€β™€οΈ 🌞. I know I also travel and have fun with my family and friends but that doesn’t mean it’s all okay. We all struggle but not everyone shows it in this world we live in. This is also the reason why I’m so looking into real friendships, relationships or any other connection may it be online or in real life. I crave honesty, empathy, compassion and understanding. I don’t want to be surrounded by toxic or fake people. I have done that in the past and it only made me feel worse in the long term. Being bullied during high school also makes me feel more careful around people now as I don’t want to get hurt again. It’s like I have a wall surrounding myself which is also not always good to have. I just wish people would be more real these days as I just can’t deal with all the fake people and things out there in this world πŸ’”. Is it too much to ask for realness in this world? Does it mean more for people to be fake just to impress others? I really don’t know. I just know that being real is what I want to be all my life even though that means loosing people who aren’t on the same vibe as I’m.

You know that feeling when you see someone who used to be your friend but you don’t even talk much anymore and then they ask you how are you are doing and about your life? Well, I just don’t want to talk about the truth with certain people as many people are only curious, want to gossip around about the things you said and don’t even care at all. They will tell you how awesome their life is and all that fake stuff which I can’t deal with. I just always have to lie about things in my life which I don’t like because I want to be real. In those moments I just don’t know what to say. I don’t like lying but I also don’t like to share intimate stuff with people who don’t even care. It’s none of their business you know. I have always been that sweet, innocent girl and I still am in some ways but I also don’t want that people take adventage of me anymore because of my soft personality.

I’m maybe not the only one who think they are behind in life. I know life is not a timeline of things we have to achieve at a certain age but society constantly throws it on our face. It’s hard to not look away from it and think about it in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. When I say to people in The Netherlands I still live at home they look strange at me. In Spain children live like for so long with their parents. I really love that family is important in Spain as when the parents are older the children care about them. I think that’s also a normal thing to do when your parents have cared about you your whole life. I love my parents and they are the most important people in my life together with my whole family and all my friends in real life and online of course πŸ’–. It’s just that society will not stop with these messages. We have to know that it’s our life and that everything is okay. We have to tell ourselves that everything we do in life is at the right time. We are all different and we all lead different lives. If we would be all the same it would be pretty boring.

I also have to remind myself that I’m doing my best and that that is enough. People think anxiety is an excuse for not doing certain things such as working. I would love to feel good and be able to do a good job. I’m applying for jobs but often don’t hear back. They will say I’m lazy, don’t try hard enough or that the things which takes me effort cause me anxiety. It’s true that working, going to the dentist, doctors and all that stuff scare me and cause me anxiety and sometimes also panic attacks. It’s not my fault. I don’t get anxiety when I travel only during the flight or when I have fun with my friends at a concert. I guess some people think that people who suffer from a mental illness just make everything up so that we don’t have to work or do scary stuff. I’m happy with the friends, family, blogging community, pen pals and the yoga girl community. I love all your support and appreciate it so much πŸ’—πŸ™. I also heard lately how I’m not doing an effort of feeling better because of suffering of anxiety. I don’t know if going to therapy would help me because I was vomiting and nauseous all the time when I went to speak to someone a few years ago. I don’t want to go through that again. Going to doctors, dentists and all that stuff makes me anxious so yeah it’s a circle where I don’t go of so I don’t know what to do.

I just wish that we all will achieve our dreams. I have so many dreams but I don’t know how to reach them and that’s when I get stuck and can’t move forward out of fear. We all deserve to achieve our dreams and live a life we are happy about. I hope that we can all find that happiness we are looking for ✨. I also just wish people would be more understanding these days especially for the ones who are struggling. I will keep raising awareness about mental health. It helps for me to be vulnerable enough to write it all down. Maybe it will help someone to feel less alone. Maybe you also feel this way and can share it with me. Maybe we can help each other and find a way out of this mess. Life is a beautiful mess and I’m so happy to be on this road all together. May we laugh. May we cry. May we always stick together for the end of our times πŸ’–.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all understand what I just told you about. Can you relate to my feelings? Do you also feel like everyone is living their best life while you feel behind? How are you doing in life right now? Let me know lovelies. I will be always be there for you like you all are there for me ❀️. That will never change. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Poem: How would my life be without fear?

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

This will be just a short post about a poem I made a month ago. I still feel this way though. It’s good to put my thoughts and feelings in words. I hope you will understand what I feel with this poem I made. I often feel like I’m just surviving and existing in life than that I’m really living the life I want. I’m afraid of death and I shared those thoughts in this blog post a while ago. However, I’m also afraid of life because I’m not living a life that brings me happiness because of anxiety. I hope that that will change in the future πŸ™.

π‘―π’π’˜ π’˜π’π’–π’π’… π’Žπ’š π’π’Šπ’‡π’† 𝒃𝒆 π’˜π’Šπ’•π’‰π’π’–π’• 𝒇𝒆𝒂𝒓?

My life would be so different because I wouldn’t feel so extremely anxious for everyday life things such as going to the dentist or going to the doctors.

I would follow my dreams and know that I can reach them like getting a job in Spain and writing a poetry book.

I would join a choir again or do something with singing for sure because I love to sing 🎢 It makes me so happy πŸ’—. Music is life like I always say.

I wouldn’t be afraid of death because I know that my life is purposeful and fulfilling.

I would speak up in real life more instead of hiding myself and avoiding people and confrontation.

I wouldn’t think all the time that people are angry at me.

I would be more happy with myself and with my life.

I would go into the ocean and learn to actually surf waves πŸŒŠπŸ„β€β™€οΈ and maybe even big waves.

I would let go of the past and be less afraid of the future.

I would deal better with having changes in my life.

I would travel the world 🌍 and go to amazing places like Aruba πŸ‡¦πŸ‡Ό, Costa Rica 🌞, Hawaii 🌴 and California 🌊. I would go to the @yoga_girl retreat in Aruba and have the time of my life.

I would live my life the way I want and be less afraid of what people think of me.

I would let go of others expectations.

I would know how to deal with anxiety better.

But most of all, 
I would just be much more happier, be more at peace with myself and live the life I dream of.

Hopefully, one day I can say that I made it πŸ’ͺπŸ’— after all the hard times I have faced in my life.

That’s what I and we all deserve.

To live a life we are happy about, do the things we love to do with the people we love.

Thank you all so much for reading my poem. I hope you all liked it πŸ’—. Do you also feel that way in life? How do you deal with fear in life? Are you more of facing your fears or running away from them? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Life is for the living πŸ’—πŸŒŒ

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

Today I want to write about something I thought one night and still think sometimes. These are some thoughts which I think a lot of and can’t seem to let them go. I hope you can understand them and can somehow relate to them. I miss sharing my thoughts and feelings on here which was also the reason I began this blog. I just felt the need to write them down and what better way to share them here on my blog.

So, one Summer night I was sitting in the car with my friends and we were driving back home from celebrating a birthday of our friend. I was looking at the stars from the window of the car and thought of life. I think a lot of this life we are living. I thought about the purpose of life. I think a lot of it actually. I thought of the universe ✨ . It always amazes me and also terrifies me at the same time. We are a drop in the ocean like a drop in the universe. We are nothing compared to the big universe yet we are everything. Life wouldn’t be the same without us all here. Sometimes when I feel bad I think this life is worthless and I don’t understand why I’m living. It makes me feel worse as I think of all the pain and injustice in the world. I often think that it’s difficult to be that sensitive girl in this hard world. People can be so mean and really life can be so so hard and break your whole heart πŸ’”.

However, I still believe even though during those times that I’m struggling or feeling anxious that we are here living this life for a reason. Even when life breaks our heart in many ways we are here for a reason. In those moments when I look up at the sky and see the stars ✨ shining so brightly and see the moon πŸŒœπŸŒ› following us while we are driving I get emotional. It’s just amazing to think how we all ended up here and our living this life in this beautiful world. We may not always find it beautiful and life can be so hard but there are still moments like this that make it all worth it. I truly believe in that. I’m grateful for all the good people I have in my life. I love my family and friends. I love my blogging friends, pen pal friends and I love to be in the Yoga Girl community. Life is all about sharing love to ourselves and giving that love to others πŸ’—. That’s why we are living this life.

Those moments I look up at the sky while being at the backseat of the car of my friend I began to think of my purpose in life. Am I doing some purposeful things in life? I’m still looking for a job and feel like I don’t have my life together. I’m still struggling with anxiety about getting a job, going to the dentist or other everyday life things. It’s all okay because I’m still living this life the best I can. I may not earn money from the things I do right now in life but at least I can say I’m making people happy. At least I’m trying, really I am. Even when some people from the outside think we aren’t doing our best, we really are. Don’t compare yourself to someone else their highs in life. We all go through ups and downs in life. Not everyone shows it. This blog means so much for me. I’m able to speak my thoughts and emotions out loud and can help people who struggle with life or feel alone. I have always thought that I’m here to help others and that helping others will heal me too πŸ’—. I truly believe that’s true. I love to share the truth, be honest and be vulnerable with myself and with you all.

Eventually the universe will give us what we want at the moment we need it. We have to take action but what’s meant to be, will be. At least, that’s what I believe in. I also believe that of course having a job and earning money is important to become independent and be able to care for yourself but the little moments in life are what makes life beautiful. You can earn millions of money, be famous and still feel unhappy. Maybe you are only doing it for the money but you don’t feel purposeful. That will not give you the happiness in life you need. We live for those little moments in life such as seeing a baby smiling at his parents, swimming in the ocean on a Summer day, feeling the warmth on your skin or drinking a tea with your mother during a cold Winter night. All the big things like getting a promotion at work, marriage or getting a new house will not mean anything if you don’t appreciate the little moments in between. Those extra ordinary moments are what make this life beautiful 🌟 .

At the end of our lives, it’s all about how much love you gave to yourself and to others. You will also remind yourself of all the beautiful memories you made, the friendships you made along the way, the places you have been to, the books you have read, the journals you have written, the music you have played and danced along. It’s all about love because that’s what matters the most in life. To love and be loved. You won’t remember the bad times as much as the good times. Your happiness is the most important thing that you will be reminded of. Never ever forget that. You deserve all the good things in life.

It’s all about living a life according to your values and not impressing people you don’t even like. When I got bullied during high school I was always thinking that if I changed myself maybe then those bullies would like me and treat me differently. Thinking of this back I know now that it wasn’t okay to think that way as I don’t have to change myself for anybody. We are all different and that’s what makes us all beautiful. We aren’t here to impress people. We are here to help ourselves and others. We are here to heal ourselves. We are here to feel peace within ourselves. We are here to love each other no matter what. We are here to give hope to people who have lost it. We are here to live because life is for the living.

This song also inspired me to write this post. I love the music of Passenger. This song is called Life’s for the living.

“Don’t you cry for the lost
Smile for the living
Get what you need and give what you’re given
Life’s for the living so live it
Or you’re better off dead”

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I really liked writing it. I wrote it when I got a lot of inspiration. I always get inspired by looking up at the sky and seeing the shining stars in the sky. Did you too get inspired? What do you think of living a purposeful life? What do you think your purpose is in life? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Life struggles

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I want to talk about how I’m feeling lately especially last week. I have been struggling with life, with myself and just everything in general. I love to always be honest here because this community as well as the Yoga Girl community on Facebook and the mental health community on Instagram are always there for me πŸ’–. In this fake world I’m so happy to have found a place where I can be πŸ’―% myself, vulnerable and honest. There are so many fake people out there who say they are your friend which isn’t true. They don’t care about how you are really feeling. They are just curious and want to gossip around. That’s just the sad reality.

So, I feel that life is a struggle lately. I’m having such a bad sleep routine like always. I’m sorry if I keep repeating myself. I can’t sleep the whole night and then have to sleep in the middle of the night until the afternoon. I really hope I can change this routine soon because it isn’t good for my health to live like this. I feel bad too because I saw my mother crying a few days ago. It hurts me the most to see her crying because she’s always so strong but at the end she breaks down like everyone. She was not feeling well and she also don’t like to see me suffering πŸ˜’πŸ’”.

I’m also struggling, feeling emotional and anxious because of being so afraid of going once to the dentist. I know I have to do it one day but I keep postponing it because of fear. My four wisdom teeth are impacted. I know my wisdom teeth need to get out since like two years ago or so. Dentist anxiety is real and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not the only one who suffers with this. I had a bad experience with a dentist in The Netherlands who called me childish and said I was acting like someone who has 15 years old. This caused me having a panic attack after the visit. This also increased my dental anxiety more.

Last September I went to the dentist here in Spain where my mother also had to do a dental implant. He is really handsome haha and also nice. He understands my anxiety and didn’t find it strange or weird that I was crying there. I know they are all 4 impacted but as the dentist here said it’s better to get it done one by one. I don’t want anyone to push me to do it so hopefully I can face this fear this Summer. Summer time is for happiness but I know I have to do it. I also felt strange things sometimes in my mouth, have a bad stomach and I’m nauseous sometimes. Maybe it is because of my wisdom teeth. I was crying these nights and being emotional also because I have my period. Maybe, I could take valium from my mother to use it when I go to the dentist. If anyone knows a tip or something I would really appeciate it. I know that at the end all my worries don’t come out. It’s just that horrible feeling of anxiety which makes me feel like I can’t cope with it. I know many people who suffer from a mental illness know how hard it is to not listen to our mind and all our worries. It isn’t so easily to snap out of it. I just can’t.

I also am still struggling with finding a job. My dream is to live and work in Spain but it’s difficult. If you want to work in the public sector in Spain you need to do an exam. Even then it is difficult to get the job. I apply for jobs in hotels on Infojobs and other websites but I don’t get an answer. I’m also so anxious to get a job because of anxiety. I just don’t know how to do it. I wish I could find a job that is meaningful and purposeful. I didn’t hear anything back from the internship interview in April. I think the hotel needed to have a confirmation for an agreement with my university. I can’t have that since I graduated two years ago. It just feels that my life is standing still while others are going on with their life. I’m just surviving. Afraid of life and afraid of death, what a way of existing.

Also Summer time is here and it’s my fav season 🌞🌊 but I also sometimes feel the pressure to be happy all the time. Anxiety doesn’t go away just because it’s Summer. I still can be anxious with things. I also don’t like the heatwave this week. Today it was 37 degrees and tomorrow it will be 41 degrees. I stayed at home today because I also don’t feel good because of this heatwave and having my period. I get these horrible cramps, feel dizzy and have headaches. Thanks to medication and paracatemol it makes it a bit better. 40 degrees is really too much for me and makes me feel sick. Together with my period it’s just the worst 😒. I hope I will survive it πŸ”₯

I really love Summer and enjoy being in the sunshine. I also love to go for walks with my mother or read a nice book or magazine on a bench or on the grass. I bought some nice books last week which I will share in a book haul soon when they arrive. Bad moments don’t go away just because it’s Summer. We have to accept that and live with it. I also can’t wait to really enjoy Summer time. I can’t wait to go surfing, swimming 🏊 and go to the beach πŸ„πŸŒŠπŸŒž. I also love blogging and penpalling. It’s important to do things we love to do and to have fun. I just hope we all can have a great Summer and enjoy it as we deserve it. I hope we will have good moments full of love, peace and happiness ✌️. I hope we can overcome the bad moments all together πŸ’ͺ We are always in this together πŸ’— It feels good to let my thoughts and feelings out here as I feel like I don’t have to carry it all on my own because that makes it too heavy.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it somehow made some sense to you. Do you also sometimes feel like life is a struggle? Can you relate to what I feel and how would you cope? Does Summer makes you feel like you have to be happy all the time? I hope you can give me some advice to overcome my fears as I would really appreciate it πŸ™πŸ’—. Thank you for always being there for me. It means the world to me. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Speak up for the people who can’t πŸ’ͺ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I just wanted to talk about something important. I will talk about how important it is to speak up for the people who can’t. Many people in our world can’t speak up for their human rights because they may live in countries where there’s a war and are afraid of speaking up. There can be consequences of speaking up. I will talk about many subjects related to this. I hope it will inspire people and make this world a better place to live in πŸŒβœ¨πŸ™

I was thinking about this topic when I was listening a few days ago to a postcast from Yoga Girl. It was about the abortion ban in some states in America. This is going on right now and it’s really scary. It felt good to hear this important topic which I also agreed on. I believe that every woman has the right to choose to do what they want with their body and whether they want to have children or not. I don’t want that we are going backwards in history.

It’s really terrifying what’s happening in America. This abortion ban will be bad for all women. Even women who are raped will not have the choice to do an abortion. It’s just a horrible thought for women to have a baby from being raped. You can choose to not do abortion for yourself but to ban it is just not aceptable. It’s a human right. It feels like they are now making a political issue of it. That’s why it’s so important to speak about this. We can’t just accept this. I was happy to go to the first feminist strike in Spain last year and speak up about all the injustice we women have to suffer. We live in a patriarchal world and this just has to change.

This subject isn’t only about women. Speaking up implies in many subjects. Racism still exists and people who say it doesn’t are just afraid to speak about it. They ignore it when it is there. I loved the postcast of Yoga Girl where she talked about white supremacy as I agree so much with it. It feels like an uncomfortable conversation but we have to talk about it and discuss it.

I don’t want the benefits of being a white person. I just want everyone in the world to be equal. I want them to have the same human rights. I want everyone have the same school and job opportunities. I don’t accept people of colour being rejected for a job. I have a good friend of Irak and I hear her stories. She had to leave her country because of war just like many people from Syria and other people from other countries are doing right now. I believe there has to be a good migration plan in every country. Some countries almost don’t accept immagration whereas other countries have an overflow. There has to be a better system for all where everyone feels comfortable, happy and equal.

Also I made this poem below for this blog post and also shared it on my Instagram Sea of words. I hope you will all like this poem. Being bullied made me scared and anxious to speak up. It made me be silenced. I still have a hard time to speak up but I’m learning it because it’s so important to do.

We have to speak up for the people who can’t speak up. I always love to see people speaking up about important topics such as mental health because it makes me feel less alone while struggling from anxiety. If we speak up about an important topic or issue it will make other people feel less alone. It also inspires other people to speak up and to make this world a better world to live in 🌍✨. Even if it makes us scared we have to speak up. Let’s do it all together! Yeahhh, we can do it! πŸ’ͺ

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it all inspired you and you loved it. What do you think of speaking up about important topics? Do you also speak up in life? Are you afraid of speaking up and how do you deal with it? Let me know lovelies 😘 I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

We humans complicate life when it’s really simple

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Before I will share with you a post about my birthday which is this Saturday πŸŽ‚πŸŽπŸŽˆπŸŽŠ I want to share something else. It’s a long time since I didn’t write a post about a topic and just rambled about it. I missed that. My last posts were only about music haha because music is life 🎢 I like to write about anything. This post will be about that humans complicate life when life is really simple.

I was thinking about this when I was laying in the sunshine in my garden in The Netherlands last week 🌞 The sun was shining brightly. It was 20 degrees and a blue sky. I just felt happy and peaceful sunbathing in the garden with my mother. I heard some birds whispering and there was some wind but it was okay. Feeling the sunshine on my skin was just perfect on that moment πŸ‘Œβ˜€οΈ I was thinking about how amazing life is when you just don’t think of anything and just enjoy the moment. To be present is so important for a calm mind.

I begin to think about how beautiful nature is and how we human complicate everything in life so much. It only brings us more negativity and bad vibes in life. Nature is just there and don’t want to compete against each other. It grows and blossom. We have to do the same. Humans always look up to other people and that makes them feel bad about themselves. I know I do it too. Comparing myself makes me feel worse. It feels like I won’t ever achieve my dreams or be as beautiful or enough as that person over there.

Also we often don’t want to take the first step in a friendship or relationship because of our ego. We wait until that person takes the first move. It’s better to wait or that’s what they say. We can wait our whole life and not get into that relationship because of ourselves because we are always complicating things. We are creating drama when life is easy. I know of a time I was with my choir singing in UK and one boy of the guest family told me I’m a drama queen hahah sorry I am such a person πŸ˜‚ It’s better now though. When we miss someone we want them to call or text us. It’s okay to take that first step. I think we have to trust and believe in ourselves more and show our feelings. Society tells us to bottle everything up and be emotionless. It isn’t good for you and you know that.

Tell your loved ones more often that you miss them and love them because that’s how you feel πŸ’• They have the right to know it. Do it before it’s too late. We know life isn’t forever but yet we live like it will go on forever. I know I do it myself too as I survive each day. Deep down I know time is ticking away and that time is not coming back. We can’t save time or pause the time. It’s not standing still. We have to enjoy our time and spend it doing things we love to do with the people we love.

Why do we complicate life quote

I say so many things to myself that I want to do and I don’t do it because of fear or judgment. I know many of us make false promises to ourselves. If we can’t commit to our promises then how are we ever be able to commit to people’s promises?! We have to do it for ourselves first. Practice what you preach. I’m also so good in helping other people and giving them advice but I fail to follow my own advices. I fail to ask for help because I’m afraid others see me as a weak person or one who can’t have her life together on her own. You see, we are the ones complicating life when things could be easier.

It’s much easier to just let all these thoughts go and just live our lives on our own way. If we don’t like our studies, job or whatever we have the right to change that and not complicate things in life. We can change, grow and do something we love. I’m a believer that deep down in our heart we know exactly what we want to do in life and how to full our time in life. We just have to find it. It can take some time but we will get there. I hope to find it too. We also have to be more in nature and learn from it. It learns us to enjoy our time in life, worry less and know that everything will slowly be better. Bad times won’t last forever nor will the good times. Everything always is constantly changing including ourselves. Seasons don’t come all at once. They come slowly and that’s how we have to live our lives.

I hope we can all live this way instead of complicating our lives. I know it’s difficult and things get our way. As I suffer from anxiety I find it hard to switch my thoughts as sometimes I just can’t. Nature calms me down. What calms me down the most is swimming in the sea. Also hearing the waves crashing on the shore is the most calming and healing thing ever. We all have something in our lives which calms us down and make us happy. It could be anything from books, music to going to the teatre. Enjoy your time on life and spread kindness, love and happiness. Stay away from drama.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it made sense and you all liked it. Do you think we complicate our own lives? What could we do instead in order to live a happy and simple life? What are your thoughts on this topic? Let me know lovelies πŸ’–.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I rocked my internship interview today! πŸ’ͺπŸ’—

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Before I want to share with you all my March favourites I want to share you this blog post. In this post I will write about how well I did my internship interview today at the 5 stars hotel in a village near to Valladolid called SardΓ³n de Duero. I already wrote in this blog post about how I applied for this internship and how I did my Skype interview. I was so anxious to do that and had to take a benzo medication for my anxiety before I did it. It went pretty well. After two weeks they emailed me back that they wanted to do a personal interview when I was going to Spain which brings me to here.

I was pretty excited about it but also super scared and anxious. Anxiety never leaves me and is pretty high lately so I suffer a lot. I had this personal interview planned two weeks ago but I was so anxious that I postponed it until today. I can’t keep postponing as it will not help me to face my fears. So I decided to do it today the 2th of April at 11.30 in the morning which is so early for me as my sleep routine is messed up as usually.

I went to bed last night with anxiety and took a benzo to calm me down. The strange thing is that it made my heartbeat faster when I just wanted to feel calm and have a normal heartbeat. I slept like 6 hours which is way too less for me and when I woke up I felt again anxious. I’m happy I did the interview today because yesterday I had to go to the toilet often because of drinking a milkshake in the weekend which was too cold together with my period coming and anxiety. I still felt anxious though so I took a benzo again but felt again like my heart was beating so fast. This time I wasn’t nauseous and I just ate some cookies so almost nothing to not vomit from anxiety. I also took some sugar to not be dizzy. I have to prepared for everything always.

I almost didn’t want to go again today but I went with my lovely mother. We were supposed to go with the taxi and then the bus from Valladolid but at the end we went with the taxi all the way to SardΓ³n de Duero because otherwise we would have to walk from that village to the hotel which was about 4 km. The woman who drove the taxi was very nice and gave us a discount of €15 because the total price was €30. In Holland it would be even more expensive. I was happy that we were on time. We still had to walk a bit to the hotel as the hotel is in such a beautiful place full of vine yards and beautiful nature πŸ©πŸŒ²πŸŒ³πŸ‡.

When we arrived at the main entrance of the hotel a woman came to us and said that we also could have gone with the taxi until the entrance. I said the name of the woman I was searching for the interview. Then we had to call by the wine office and they opened the door. All the doors are locked and there are cameras everywhere. I guess it’s normal because it’s a 5 stars hotel and also the best hotel in Spain and Portugal and one of the best in the world. We waited downstairs until the woman from my skype interview came downstairs and I could go upstairs to the office. She said that I could go to that room and then closed the door. That was the worst of it haha the waiting part. I felt soooo anxious and my heart was beating so fast πŸ˜₯. Maybe I waited for only 5 or 10 minutes but it felt much longer.

Finally, the woman from HR came and also the man who interviewed me through Skype who is the director of butlers. They asked me almost the same questions as through the Skype interview which I liked because I was prepared for it. I told my strengths and weaknesses. I told them I’m compassionate, sensitive and helpful person. I also said that I would have to improve dealing with pressure in work and in life and better planning. They told me about what I would do as a trainee. I would have to work being a recepcionist but also having personalised contact with the clients. This hotel is super special because there’s a special service of being a butler which means bringing a welcome drink to the room of the guests and putting flowers in the room before they arrive. These special things is what makes the guests come back because they love the personalised service in this unique hotel. This hotel also has a spa, makes their own wine and there are yoga classes and meditation. I really need to stay here once even though it cost €400 for one night but it’s definitely worth it πŸ‘ŒπŸ’—

I also talked in English to prove that I can speak well English. The only bad thing is that I need an agreement from my university and since I’m not studying anymore I don’t know if I will get that. It’s almost two years since I graduated. Hopefully, I can fix a paper or something. They also told me that I would get €250 and accomodation and food which depends of the shift. The morning shifts are really early from 7 o’clock till 3 o’clock and the afternoon shifts are from 3 o’clock till 11 o’clock. I would have to live with some other trainees in a house in the village of SardΓ³n de Duero which is 4 km from the hotel. I don’t know if I would walk to the hotel or go with someone. That also makes me anxious because I’m so used to live at home by my parents and that feels safe. I only lived once with a family during my exchange time and it went wrong. I felt so anxious and began to drink much which isn’t the case anymore but I still find it hard to trust people. I also love to have my privacy. They say they have people from all over the world doing an internship there.

I’m just happy I did it because it’s a huge milestone for me to overcome this fear today. It was definitely outside my comfortzone. They were all so friendly and I shouldn’t have been worried about it but that’s the curse of suffering with anxiety. The hotel is unbelievable beautiful and in the middle of nowhere full of pines, nature and vine yards πŸ˜πŸ‡. I love the smell of the pines. It creates a sense of peace and happiness ✨. At the end of the interview we said goodbye and they will tell me if I get the internship or not. It also depends if I get the agreement from my university as they are also going to contact my university. It’s going to be almost impossible to be honest. I went downstairs again where my mother was waiting and the woman of HR who was just a few years older than me showed us the way which we had to follow to go to the village to catch the bus to Valladolid. She was from the same village where my grandmother was a teacher. Such a coincidence. They almost even wanted to bring us by car but I said that we could walk it. They said it would be 10 minutes well my mother and I walked 35 minutes haha so much πŸ˜‚. It was a nice walk within the pines along side the river Duero. It was also sunny so it was okay πŸŒžπŸ‘Œ.

In the village we had to wait like almost two hours for the bus to Valladolid because that’s the bad thing of living in a village. There are not many buses during a day. One day I will have to learn to drive car even though I’m scared of that too. Sometimes it makes life easier. We ate at the bus station of Valladolid a delicious meal with potatoes, some meat, eggs and as dessert ice cream and yoghurt. I was then crying and I also cried a lot at home later because I felt emotional and anxious after the whole day.

Also I was angry because I don’t want to go again to Holland because I feel like I always have to go where my parents go because I have no money. I also don’t want to feel pressured again to search for a job there. I was also angry because I’m already two weeks in Spain and didn’t see any of my friends. I was suppose to meet one friend and again she couldn’t see me. I’m just so done with it all. I feel like I connect more with internet friends nowadays than real friends. I’m done being there always for everybody when almost nobody is there for me. It hurt so much 😒. I also went to the church today to light up some candles to bring peace in my heart πŸ™. Fortunately, I could make the suitcase today and watch a nice Spanish serie with my mother at home. I’m just happy this day is over πŸ’ͺ.

Thank you all for reading this blog post and listening to me. What do you think of this internship? Do you have any tips? How would I get that agreement of my university when I’m not studying there anymore? Let me know your thoughts. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Poem: Being real about suffering from anxiety

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I just always want to be 100% honest on my blog. I don’t like to lie on here. I don’t stand people always sharing their best lives and tell people online how perfect their lives is. Life isn’t always beautiful. I love to get inspired by people who share the truth, the good and the bad. I wrote this a few days ago because that’s how I felt in that moment.

I feel a bit better now because I planned a trip with my mother for tomorrow to go to the city Leon. Spontaneous trips make me the happiest. I also love to discover new cities where I have never been to. It’s two hours by bus from Valladolid. I just booked a beautiful three stars hotel with a spa. I can’t wait to relax, swim and go in the whirlpool. I love hotels with spa. I also can’t wait to enjoy this beautiful city. Leon is famous for their delicious tapas. For a drink you get a tapa for free. It’s also famous for the cathedral which is one of the most beautiful ones in the world. I can’t wait to share you my trip with you all.

For now, I want to share with you all this poem. I feel like this sometimes. It’s really hard to suffer from anxiety but we are all in this together πŸ’ͺπŸ’—

Being real about suffering from anxiety

I feel so anxious lately

I’m doing bad again

I’m isolating myself

I’m hiding myself

I’m only seeing my family

I don’t see my friends often

Most of them are busy living their lives

I feel lost and lonely

I feel like I can’t do the everyday life things such as going to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth out or do the internship interview to work in a hotel in Spain

It all takes me too much energy

Too much anxiety

For me it’s hard but for others who aren’t suffering from a mental illness it will be easy

I believe everyone experience hard times and anxiety in their lives

For me it’s an illness, a never ending struggle which makes living so hard

I’m afraid to ask for help

I’m afraid of life

But

I’m also afraid of dying

Is that really living or existing?

I have to go on

All I can see now is darkness

I know I won’t do anything bad to myself but feeling this way is also not okay

Hopefully within time I will feel better

All I need is to get better πŸ™

To be happy again

To follow & achieve my dreams ✨🌠

I know we all can do it

For anyone else struggling right now

You are not alone

You are loved πŸ’—

We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ

Thank you for reading this blog post. Thank you for being there for me πŸ’— Did you like my poem? Can you relate to it? How are you feeling in life right now? Let me know your thoughts. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Living with trichotillomania

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I want to share a blog post about a mental health disorder which is trichotillomania. I feel ashamed to share it but I have to share it. I actually didn’t want to share this but today I find the courage and strength to share this in the hope others who are suffering from it too don’t feel alone. I also want to raise awareness and understanding. I have never been diagnosed of it but I know I have it because it isn’t normal what I do. I just feel I can share it here as it’s my safe space.

Picture of a girl pulling hair out because of trichotillomania

As you all know by reading my blog I suffer from anxiety which is hard and I’m not doing well lately. I also suffer from trichotillomania which I think is a consequence of feeling anxious. Trichotillomania is also called hair-pulling disorder, is a mental disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes or other areas of your body, despite trying to stop.

Explanation of trichotillomania

I wouldn’t pull my hair out but what I do is pulling my eyebrows and eyelashes out. I feel so ashamed and bad about it. I think I have had it all my life but lately it’s been really bad. Last year, I had basically one eyebrow in Spain because the other one I pulled almost completely out. It was really bad. I covered my face with my bangs because thanks god I have bangs otherwise everyone would have seen it.

I remember cancelling appointments with people because I felt so ashamed of it. I didn’t want my friends to see me that way. I would think that they think I’m crazy and out of control 😒 It really hurt me. Some people asked me once and I said it was an infection and that I went to the doctors. They believed me. I felt good about lying but I still made me feel bad. I wouldn’t like to see myself in the mirrow. I felt ugly because of it. Then I didn’t do it for a few months and on my birthday last year it was almost all good again. Until next time….

This year it happened again, this time it was the other eyebrow but I’m happy it grows fast but I had like open spaces. One day I was meeting my best friend in Holland and then she saw my eyebrow and said that I always had full eyebrows and asked what happened. At the end, I told her and felt so ashamed. I was so happy she understood me and said we all have our things. One is nail biting, the other one pulls their eyebrows out and the other one has another thing. My good friends know it too and respect me. They also are worried about me. I love to feel loved and it’s good to know that they care about me.

I also always think it could be worse. I never did self harm and never will do because I’m afraid of blood. I feel dizzy and nauseous when I see blood. However, what I do is also not okay and maybe I have to ask for help for it. I also would have to do that for anxiety and I’m not doing it because I’m so anxious of therapy. That’s just the truth. A few years ago I went to a sort of mental health worker in Holland and had to vomit every time I went so I don’t want to go through that again. Here I’m still so anxious about everything in life such as going through an interview in Spain for an internship in a hotel, getting my wisdom teeth pulled out one day and just everything in life. I’m not okay.

My eyebrows are kinda okay now. I searched a lot through internet and I read that castoroil would grow your eyebrows and eyelashes. It definitely does. My eyebrows have grown so much. I’m happy about that 😊. I’m not happy about this month that I begin to pull my eyelashes out as I have almost no eyelashes in one eye. It makes me feel so bad and ashamed again. My mother watch me doing it and said I make her nervous. She said just stop it but I just can’t. It’s so difficult to stop it. I hate it. I will keep using castoroil and hopefully for my next birthday the first of June I will have more eyelashes again. I feel like eyelashes grow less faster than eyebrows.

Conversation of someone having the mental illness trichotillomania

Sometimes I don’t do it for a time, could be days or even months but then I begin again and I just can’t stop until I made it so bad. I won’t share pictures because this feels already so hard to share. I hope you all don’t think I’m crazy because trust me I really wish I wouldn’t do this stupid thing. I just wish not many people will see it. Maybe, I have to buy fake eyelashes as I see many people and celebrities wearing it. I’m afraid it would destroy my eyes or hold on the growing of the eyelashes when using castoroil. I don’t know what to do. I also for now stopped using mascara as you would see that on one eye I have all my eyelashes and on one not. I love to wear make up but for now I don’t do it πŸ˜”.

Girl crying because of her illness trichotillomania

Thank you all for reading this vulnerable blog post. I feel good to share it here as I know you are always there for me. Thank you for holding space for me you have πŸ’— We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ Do you also suffer from trichotillomania? Do you have any tips? What would you do? Let me know as I would really appreciate your thoughts and help.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina