Will I ever make my wildest and biggest dreams come true?

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I wanted to write a more uplifting post today but I feel like I can’t. I cried last night for a few hours and I just have to write it down here. I always have to write about how I’m feeling on that moment because if I don’t do it that moment will pass and I wouldn’t be able to write about it anymore. It wouldn’t feel real anymore. I would never fake how I feel on my blog because then I wouldn’t be honest and authentic on my blog. I always want to be honest in real life and online. This blog post will be about some feelings and thoughts I have lately, why I cried last night, and about reaching our dreams.

So, last night I was just scrolling through Intagram when I saw a picture of one of my best friends with her boyfriend and then I saw something more and was in shock 🀯. I just couldn’t stop crying. My good friend got engaged and didn’t tell me anything. I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend. I was like what?! I felt left out and hurt. Some hours has passed and I still feel that way. I had to cry so much. I’m not jealous of her. I always want the best for everyone and want everyone to be happy. I’m also on my period so I’m even more emotional and sensitive for everything. Even though I’m sometimes in Spain for a few months and then I come back to The Netherlands I always love to keep in contact with my friends and family. When such a good friend doesn’t say such an important thing of their life well I guess it’s normally to feel left out and lonely. I also am afraid or friendship will change. I’m so afraid of loosing people. The break up of my first love makes me extremely afraid of people walking away from my life. Of course, I have to be happy for my friend which I’m but then I began to think negatively about my own life and how far behind I’m with the rest of my friends. I feel like I’m the only one not reaching milestones in life.

You know that moment you are lying in bed and you feel like your whole world is crashing down? Well, that’s what happened last night. It’s not only this news which makes me feel that way. I feel lost for so long in my life. For like two years I feel like I’m just surviving through life instead of living. I can’t move on in life because of anxiety πŸ˜”. My mother understand me the best and says I have to go to the doctor for it. I had some talks a few years ago with a social worker and got nauseous every time so yeah I don’t know if that would help. My mother takes valium so sometimes when I’m really anxious I take that from her too and I also have some anti anxiety meds being subscribed from the doctor in Spain. My father is also there for me but I would prefer if I ever ask for help as in therapy do it in Spain. There are really good professionals out there. To be honest I’m also afraid of asking for help and speaking up.

It’s something that I keep repeating and I’m sorry if I write about this much lately like I did in this blog post. It’s just how I feel often. It makes me depressed and anxious to see all people moving on with their lives while I can’t. Many of my friends are in a relationship, are getting jobs and moving in with each other. I feel like I will be the last one to settle down or will not reach anything in life. Do we have to reach some goal in life or is it all just a myth of society to keep us going? It’s not that I want to die even though I really say that a lot to my mother mostly and I also think it a lot. I will never do anything to myself. I would be too scared for that. It’s just and always have been that I’m afraid of death but also of life and therefore I can’t move on in life. It’s so hard. It’s though to feel this way as I don’t know what the solution would be.

What felt good last night was that in those bad moments I always write in the Yoga Girl Community on Facebook. It’s my safe space like this blog πŸ’—πŸ™. It feels good to know that you aren’t alone with your thoughts and feelings. This all can feel too much and makes me feel so lonely. It makes me feel a bit better to know that there’s someone out there who also is feeling your feelings and maybe even in that moment. It makes it feel less isolating. Being a highly sensitive person is just so overwhelming sometimes. It’s a blessing but sometimes also a curse because every little thing hit me in life. I worry too much, I get anxious fast and I feel every emotion of all the people I love in life. It’s hard to be sensitive in a world where not everyone understands that.

What I’m the most afraid of is thinking that I won’t reach my dreams in life. I’m happy seeing my friends and all the people I love getting married, having babies and doing all the things they love. I just wish I will live the life I dream of too in the future. Yesterday I applied again to a job which is to work for the surf brand O’Neill in a shop in Spain. I just never get any reply back from a job and if I get one then it’s mostly negative. It makes me feel like I want to give up on everything in life. I’m tired. Really. I’m so tired of everything. I’m 26 years, still so young and have my life ahead of me. How can I say that? It’s just how I feel. Feeling anxious about a lot of things and going through life while feeling anxious is really exhausting. I just wish there would be a cure to that. I just also always feel like nothing makes sense if we all die one day. It makes me go in a negative state and it’s hard to let those thoughts go in that moment.

The most inspiring thing of all of this is that YES OF COURSE I HAVE DREAMS ✨. I want to be able to say I went for it and made them all come true. I just don’t know how to begin. I want to write a poetry book and maybe publish it. I want to be able to surf well and surf some waves πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠ. I want to travel the world and go to amazing places like Costa Rica, Hawaii, California and Aruba πŸ‡¦πŸ‡Ό 🌴. I want to take singing 🎢 classes or maybe join a choir again. I want to go to the yoga retreat of Yoga Girl in Aruba. I would love to have a house on the beach and see the sea every time I wake up. I just want to live a happy life, do the things I love, be surrounded by the people I love and not feel constantly anxious about everything. Most of all, I just want to heal myself while I heal others in this world 🌍. Is that too much to ask for? I want to be of service in this world and I know that will be the key to contribute to the world while feeling purposeful. Just writing these sentences makes me cry because deep down in my heart I know that I have a purpose. It’s just that I don’t know how to make all these dreams happen and I find it hard to find a specific job in something I love to do. Then I feel overwhelmed and get anxious of all of it and don’t do anything.

One of my best pen pal friends wrote me some lovely messages today and one of them was that I’m being too hard on myself. It’s definitely true and I always have been way too hard on myself. I also sometimes feel that I give more love then I will ever receive in my life which I wrote about in this blog post. I truly believe that there are some people born who give more love than they will ever receive back. I’m also one of them. I’m a giver. I give too much and you can’t go on in life when you are constantly giving and not receiving the same love back. It makes it all so exhausting. I have to be able to set more boundaries.

So back to my question. Will I ever be able to make my big dreams come true? Maybe I will but it all just takes time. It’s also okay if I think of new dreams and throw other dreams in the bin. Life changes constantly and so do we. Experiences change us. Our interest changes within the years through life. We have just this one life. We are all doing the best we can. It’s okay to cry, to be angry and to be happy. My most important lesson of today was that it’s okay to feel. Let it be πŸ’—πŸ™.

To love and let go, love and let go, love and let go…it’s the single most important thing we can learn in this lifetime.– Rachel Brathen

Rachel Brathen also called Yoga Girl which is my biggest inspiration in life wrote a new book which is about loss, gratitude and love. She lost her best friend in a car accident while she was going through surgery for her appendix. It’s a heartbreaking story. I’m ready to heal my heart while reading this book. It will come this week by post. I need it. It’s about all kinds of loss in life.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also feel this way? What advice would you give me? How do I feel less lonely and more purposeful in life? How can we all reach our wildest dreams while being fearful and anxious all the time? Let me know lovelies. Your words and advice are always so appreciated πŸ’—πŸ™. I love you all so much. Thank you for always holding space for me. I will be there for you too. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Duncan Laurence from The Netherlands won Eurovision Song Contest 2019 with the song Arcade!!! πŸ˜πŸ’•πŸŽ‰πŸŽΆπŸ‡³πŸ‡±πŸŽ™οΈ

OMGGGG HI LOVELIES πŸ’•,

I’m so excited. I just can’t hide it. I’m about to loose control and I think I like it hahah πŸ˜‚πŸŽΆ. I just needed to write this blog post because I feel so emotional and so excited since Saturday night. I felt it already these months when I heard the song Arcade. This blog post will about how I experienced one of the best nights in my life which I will never ever forget. I will write about the victory of The Netherlands winning Eurovision Song Contest 2019 after 44 years. I will also share more about who Duncan is as a person and artist.

I’m such a eurofan and I’ve always been. I love Eurovision Song Contest so much. It’s my favourite music event of the year. I’m always looking forward to it. I’m always most looking forward to the songs of The Netherlands and Spain. I also love to hear the songs of other countries. I’m into pop, indie, latin music, some house music, classic and choir music which I used to sing in my choir and I just love music so much. It makes me the happiest person on earth 🌎😍. Going to a concert and seeing your favourite artist live is just the best thing ever. Meeting them in person and talking with them is even better. Getting a picture with them is just the best too.

I get inspired by many artists and what I find the most important thing of an artist is that they are authentic, stay true to themselves and can be vulnerable. So, the first time I heard that Duncan Laurence was going to represent The Netherlands this year I was like who?! Who is that? Normally popular and famous artists of The Netherlands go to Eurovision. Last year Waylon went and in 2014 The Common Linnets went which were Ilse DeLange together with Waylon. They song a beautiful song which ended at the second place. The song was a lovely country song called “Calm after the storm.”

The Common Linnets – Calm after the storm (Eurovision Song Contest 2014)

So first in January they said that Duncan Laurence was going to represent The Netherlands. I saw some videos of him singing in The Voice of Holland on Youtube and was already impressed by his beautiful voice. He reached the semi-finals. He had as coach Ilse DeLange.

Duncan Laurence – Sing (The blind auditions of The Voice of Holland of 2014)

Then I also listened to the video below which is especially made as an assignment for the Rock Academy. After singing in the Voice of Holland he went to the Rock Pop Academy in Tilburg. He made his own version of the song “Stolen Dance” by Milky Chance. It’s one of my favourite songs and hearing it with Duncan’s voice gave me goosebumps and makes me cry every time 😭. His voice is so pure and so beautiful. I could listen all day and all night to it 😍🎢

Another video I found on Youtube of a song he wrote called “Come back Home”

He is such an amazing singer-songwriter. I’m really so impressed. He went through a hard time during his school years because he got bullied. He got bullied because of being different. He wore braces, had glasses and a different body size. He found his passion of music through this experience. He could be himself when he was making music at home and also in the Rock Pop Academy in Tilburg. Music was his safe place where he could be his self. He also told in some interviews how he was covered in his insecurities. He was afraid to be open and vulnerable.

Writing his song Arcade in The Rock Pop Academy in Tilburg

He also said that it is important to not build a wall. It reminds myself of my own experience with bullying. I build a wall and I still haven’t break it fully like it still influences me as a person when someone is rude to me. I think often when I hear a stranger laughing that it’s about me. I still have to break this wall just like Duncan did. The most beautiful words of him during an interview in Tel Aviv in Israel where these ones:

“Don’t build a wall. Don’t focus on the ones who don’t like you, stick to the ones who like you and love you and inpire you. I tried to change myself and focused too much on the ones who didn’t like me.”

I so agree with what he said because it’s just so true. Whenever I’m with my family or good friends I feel happy because they love me for who I’m and accept me. Those are the people who you need in life and not the toxic ones. Being bullied isn’t our fault. Most of the time the bullies are insecure themselves. I wrote about my experience of bullying in this blog post. He also said that with his music he wants to be the voice for those who have a soul which is damaged by others. He is going to tell their stories and let us see that we aren’t alone. He such a bubbly, beautiful and humble pereson that I tear up 😍😭

Ilse DeLange was his coach in The Voice of Holland and always had contact with Duncan after he participated in this talentshow. Two years ago he was writing the song “Arcade”. He put that song together with other songs in a Dropbox file. Ilse heard this song and was impressed. A few months ago before Eurovision began she called him on a Sunday morning and asked him if he wanted to represent The Netherlands this year. The whole delegation of The Netherlands was impressed by this song. Of course he said YEAHHHH and then the adventure began. I don’t want to repeat myself because I already told a lot about this song in other posts like in this post. There I sang my own cover of Arcade 🎢.

β€œβ€˜Arcade’ is about a lost love. And hoping for that love to return. But it doesn’t. All the emotion, rawness, bitterness, angriness or happiness or hope that comes within that. That’s what I tried to capture in β€˜Arcade’. It is indeed a story about myself, about a love that I once lost when I was younger.”

Duncan lost someone very special in his life. This woman only turned 40 years old. She was hoping that her love came back but he didn’t. She stayed in love with her loved one until she died. Duncan wrote this song about that story. The song, lyrics, melody everything describes these real feelings and emotions. It’s so honest and vulnerable just WOW. He is naked in the clip and you can see his butt haha which is very beautiful indeed.

Duncan Laurence – Arcade (Official Music Video for Eurovision Song Contest 2019 in Israel)

β€œWe tried to capture the vulnerability of a human being. The most vulnerable you can be is naked. Being completely nude leaves you all vulnerable in that massive water world, with the surface representing the hope and everything you long for. The struggle, the fight that comes with it to get there. That is what we try to capture.”

Since I listened to this I have had winner vibes. I knew this song could win because it’s the best song I’ve heard. I get so emotional and have goosebumps all the time I listen to this song. I’m even thinking now to get a tattoo with something of the lyrics of this song. My favourite sentence is: “Loving you is a loosing game.” I’m afraid of needles so don’t know if I will get a tattoo but this just sticks in my head. Since he released his song he was number one in the bookmakers and that didn’t change.

I watched everything from Eurovision such as all his interviews which were so nice to see. I watched the first semi-final of Eurovision last week even though he didn’t had to sing. He was singing in the second femi-final which was last thursday on the 16th of May. It was incredible and I had to cry so much. My father only watched that song with me because he doesn’t like Eurovision. I always watch it with my mother. Of course he passed through the finals which was last Saturday the 18th of May. I was so happy when they said The Netherlands as second name to pass. Normally they say it almost at the end.

Duncan performing his song Arcade during the second semi-final of Eurovision Song Contest 2019
Singing Arcade during the second semi-final

He sings Arcade every time so beautiful and every time it’s different. I like that so much because you can feel the emotion. He really feels it at that moment and sings it from his heart. During the final he had to sing at the 12th place and it was even better and more beautiful than in the semi-finals. It’s just incredible how good and beautiful he sings. I feel his emotion all the time when he sings it πŸ’•. We all feel it. We can all relate to this story.

THE FINAL PERFORMANCE!!!!
The Netherlands – Live performance of Arcade from Duncan Laurence

I was so nervous and anxious this whole week too and couldn’t sleep well. It even felt like I had to sing hahah instead of Duncan who always stayed calm. I was just so excited of thinking that he could win πŸ˜‚. During the jury votes I was getting so nervous. I was happy when we got 12 points from Portugal, Sweden, France, Israel, Lithuania and Latvia. Thank you so much! Sweden won the jury votes but everyting could change during the televotes. They begin with the last country and told every country how much televotes it got. The Netherlands got 261 which made them first. I was already so excited but there was only one country left to tell them their points which was Sweden. If they got more points than The Netherlands they would have won. Duncan was so nervous and me too. We all were. At the end they said 93 points for Sweden.

THE NETHERLANDS WON YEAHHH!!!

I began to scream and cry so hard. This was definitely one of the best nights in my life. I couldn’t sleep well that night. I had also stomach cramps but I already have them these months so it’s not only because of Eurovision I guess. My father was sleeping so I didn’t scream that hard hahah πŸ˜‚. He doesn’t understand all my emotion and happiness around it. It’s just incredible that an unkown artist won with such a beautiful song. I’m also a highly sensitive person so everything makes me feel so much. I feel every emotion deep. My country, The Netherlands won after 44 years! πŸ˜πŸ‡³πŸ‡±πŸŽΆπŸŽ‰πŸŽ™οΈ I still can’t believe we are going to organise Eurovision next year. My dream is seeing it live so I hope I can get tickets. My dream was also to see The Netherlands or Spain win so I’m so happy and so proud! πŸ’ͺ

His winner’s performance was so emotional too. Hearing the crowd singing the song is just the best feeling ever. He also was looking up to the sky because he sings this song to the one he lost.

Duncan wrote history. Everyone knows him now. His song is number one in many iTunes charts. I will never get tired of this beautiful song or of him. I love him so much πŸ’—. I’m so grateful to have a new artist in my life who I admire so much. He is already writing more songs so I can’t wait to hear them. I also would love to see him live. All his concerts are sold out now. His voice makes me crack my soul open and make me feel so many feelings. I have to admit that this song also reminds me of my break up with my first love πŸ’” I kept hoping after I lost him that he would come back but until today he didn’t. Maybe that’s why I get so emotional with this song. I can still feel how my heart broke but I also feel the hope in this song. There will be new people to love and experiences to live.

Duncan kissing the trophy of Eurovision. He really deserved to win!
“This is for dreaming big, this is to music first, always!” – Duncan Laurence

Thank you Duncan for being real and from growing from a wallflower to a beautiful artist who stand for things. He is bisexual and open about it. He told about his bullying experience. He is honest. He is vulnerable. I’m so thankful that you are real in this sometimes fake and dark world. Thank for coming in our lives. You give me hope in my life to reach my dreams 🌠✨. Thank you for making us happy and feel inspired. You are one of my fav artists now. I will never stop loving you 🎢. Loving you is a winning game! 😍✨ i love u forever cutieeee πŸ’—

In Tel Aviv, Israel. He such a cutie just look at him. I get so angry that kids bullied him because he is such a beatiful person inside & out.
Duncan singing live an acoustic version of Arcade on De Wereld Draait Door before he went to Israel

Life wouldn’t be the same without music. It makes us feel things, we feel less alone and it will never leave us. I will also keep singing as I love to sing. I don’t know if being famous is something for me but joining a choir again or having singing classes would be amazing. I would love to learn guitar or piano too one day. I miss that so much to be honest 😭. With singing I can release emotions and it makes me so happy 😍

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you find this post as inspiring as I found it to write it. What do you think of the song Arcade and the story behind it? Did you watch Eurovision? Do you also tear up with beautiful songs? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Reflection on 2018 & happy new year to you all! πŸŽ‰βœ¨πŸ’•πŸ’«

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Happy new year to you all! βœ¨πŸŽ‰ In this post I will talk about my 2018 and will show you how I celebrated New Year’s Eve. I’m glad I don’t have a cold amymore but just tonight I got my period so yeah that also sucks 😭 I’m glad I take medication for the cramps because otherwise I wouldn’t survive it. Besides, I’m also being anxious about my appointment of getting one of my wisdom teeth pulled out this week. I keep postponing the appointment. I know I have to do it but I’m so scared. H e l p. I also don’t want to do it in Holland. Here in Spain it’s much cheaper and the dentist understands my anxiety but I’m still so afraid and I just feel like I can’t cope. If anyone have some more tips to survive it I will be forever grateful πŸ™πŸ’• I can always take medication for anxiety if that’s enough to help me cope with it.

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We are already in 2019. A year has flown by. As usually I want to reflect on my year with this post and also write some important things for you all. Every year has its ups and downs. Every year consists of good things and bad things which happen to us. The most important thing is how we react to all these things. I know how hard it’s to stay positive in this sometimes dark world. I just keep believing that there are so many good things in the world and that there are indeed so many good people. You just have to find your tribe. I’m so glad I did.

I’m so happy with my blogging community, mental health community, Yoga Girl community and the goddess revolution community. I’m thankful that I joined these communities this year. They made me feel less alone and so much happier. If I’m in Holland I will maybe go to a meet up with some yoga girls. I also really wish that we will continue to all be friends and hopefully one day we will all meet ✨ I know the universe brought us all together for a reason which is to be connected with awesome people, share our struggles and feel supported.

I learned a lot this year. I learn every day from this world. This year I realized that there are truly lovely people who care about you and want you to be happy. I learned that it’s better to have a few good friends than a million of fake friends. The ones who love you will always be there for you no matter what. I learned that true love exists when I saw my brother getting married in August in Spain. I learned that this life is an adventure. Sometimes we win and sometimes we loose. We learn from every experience. I also learned that it’s okay if I’m not where I want to be in life. I still have a long way to go. I will find a career I love and will keep growing. It all takes time, pacience and trust in myself. I have to love myself, believe in myself and know that I can make my dreams come true such as working and living in Spain ✨

I also went to my first feminist strike in Valladolid, in Spain on International Women’s Day on the 8th of March with my mother. This was such an empowerful event. I never went to a demonstration before. I really wish 2019 will be the year that less women will be suffering from violence. I wish that women and men have the same human rights. Together we are starting a revolution. This is just the beginning. 2019 will be the year where women can be themselves, love themselves and love each other πŸ’•

This year I also learned that music is the best thing in life 🎢 I would be lost without music. I went to so many amazing concerts such as the OperaciΓ³n Triunfo 2017 concert in Madrid with my friend Maria πŸ’• OperaciΓ³n Triunfo makes me so happy and full of life. I also enjoyed the concert of Pablo Alboran, Chenoa, Hombres G and Celtas Cortos with my mother in Valladolid. I also enjoyed so much the concert of Sofia Ellar with my friend Maria. I can’t wait to see her again. It was so lovely to meet Sofia and get a picture with her. She’s the best and I can’t wait to see her singing again 😍

This year I began to read again a lot which I loved to do so much when I was younger. I will continue reading this new year. I also kept writing and being creative. I hope to create more amazing content on this blog. Writing is amazing. I travelled to Madrid, Granada, Santander and Somo. I discovered Somo which is a beautiful surfing village in the north of Spain. In 2019 I really want to go to a surf camp again πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠπŸŒž. I didn’t go surfing for more than two years. I miss it so much. It’s also so good for my mental health. The sea is my home and cleans my soul. The beach is my favourite place on this earth. I can’t wait to travel to more amazing places and meet more amazing people.

Somo, Santander (September 2018)

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Granada, Andalucia (July 2018)

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La RΓ‘bita, Mediterranean Sea, Granada (July 2018)

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Madrid (March 2018)

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Maybe for some of you this year was a hard year. Maybe some of you have lost someone close to you. Maybe you just didn’t felt okay and were struggling. I’m here for you. It’s okay to grief. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel sad. Feelings change and emotions change but it all takes time. Try to not be hard on yourself next year. Remember, I’ll will always be there for you πŸ’• I hope you will invest in self love and self care this new year because that’s the most important thing that matters. I also encourage you all to surround yourself with people who love you and who bring you only good vibes because you deserve that ✨.

I celebrated my New Year’s Eve in Valladolid, in Spain. I decided to not go out with my friends. I also didn’t go out last year. I used to party every year but I don’t feel in the mood anymore. I have to do what feels good to me. I went to the hairdressers in the afternoon to cut the dead ends, my bangs and they made curls in my hair. I love to look good for myself. I dressed up at home and did my make up. My mother and I went to the house of the mother of the wife of my brother. We celebrated all together New Year’s Eve: Rafael, my mother, VΓ©ronica, VΓ©ronica’s mother and her brother. We enjoyed eating delicious Spanish food.

We ate cheese, jamon serrano, chorizo, bread and chicken. I didn’t eat the fish because I don’t like fish so much haha πŸ˜‚ At 12 o’clock we watched the television and ate the 12 grapes. We also had champagne πŸ₯‚. It’s a tradition in Spain to eat the 12 grapes. They say it brings luck. We watched television where we were hearing beautiful music and we played Spanish card games. I really loved it so much. I love playing games with my family. At 3.30 am my mother and I went home and we stayed in watching some television. We went to bed at 6 am pretty late but doesn’t matter because it’s a special night. I’m glad I didn’t go out because as soon as we were home I got my period haha. On New Year’s Day we just stayed in and chilled. I saw the movie Grease. I just love that movie & the music so much 😍 I also saw the movie Paper Towns which I love so much from John Green. I already saw this movie with my best friend one day and loved it.

l wish you all an amazing new year full of love, happiness and luck πŸ€βœ¨βœŒοΈ Stay strong & stay safe. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ I love you all so so so much ❀️. Thank you all for reading. How was your New Year’s Eve? Did you stay at home or did you went to a party? Which are your goals or dreams to achieve in 2019? I would love to know. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

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Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Body positivity: I’m thin and that’s okay πŸ’•

Hey lovely bloggers 😍,

Today I want to talk about body positivity. This is such an important subject. There are still so many people suffering with this subject. Women and men suffer from this subject. We often think that only women suffer from not feeling good enough in their bodies. It isn’t true. Also men suffer from not feeling good enough. They don’t feel good enough or feel like they have to look a certain way to be happy. I want to talk about body positivity with this picture. I made this picture in La Alhambra in Granada, in Spain last Summer. Something I struggled with through my life is the fact that I’m thin. I’m happy with my body but I struggled with the fact that people bullied me for being thin. You may think people will praise you because you are thin. It isn’t true. People critice every body size.

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When I was in high school I got comments that I’m not a woman because I don’t have big breasts or they said that I’m only bones. I also got worse comments which was that they said and asked me if I had anorexia. Those bad comments really hurt me and made me feel insecure about myself. I don’t have any eating disorder. This is such a mean comment and also an insult for those who really struggle with eating disorders. I really wish that those who suffer from an eating disorder can all recover and be happy with their body and theirselves. They really deserve that. It’s such a serious illness that has to be taken seriously because many people die from it every year. They saw that I ate a lot of chocolate and that I didn’t get any weight. I’m sorry but that it’s not my fault. This is just the way I’m made. I remember a girl said once to me that I will get thick when I’m older. I was like wtf why are you saying that to me?! I guess all those people were just jealous and enjoyed causing me hurt with their words.

I also remember many times that I went to eat with my Spanish family and they were all the time saying: “Wow you look really skinny”, “You have to eat more”, “Are you okay?”. I’m fucking okay but not with all those stupid comments. I know my family cares about me but those words just only caused me anxiety about my body image. In Spain, people love food and if they are not eating, they are cooking or thinking about food. I like food and eat well but I don’t like to eat that much as they do in Spain. It’s really insane how much they can eat here hahaha. I don’t want to be nauseous because of eating too much. I think that’s why sometimes when I feel uncomfortable at a place while eating I get nauseous. I fear again the comments people would make me. I felt like I had to eat much food so that nobody would critice me. Now, I just eat what I want and don’t care that much about what they say to me. This is my body and I’m happy with it. However, sometimes those words can still hurt me but I try to care less.

I also think society is causing a lot of damage to our body image. When we watch television or read a magazine we see all those perfect people with their perfect bodies. We began to think that we also have to look that way in order to be happy with our bodies and ourselves. It’s just a bad illusion. Most of those pictures you see are photoshop and aren’t even real. Do you really think you would be happy if you would look like that model in the magazine?! I think not because if you aren’t accepting yourself now, you won’t accept yourself if you would look different. It’s just creating a negative influence on your confidence. You have to accept yourself and your body now. I’m in favour or people doing sports in order to feel happy. I’m not in favour of people who are doing sports in order to loose so much weight to be happy. Trust me, it won’t make you happy. If you are doing sports because you have to do it it won’t create the benefits when you a sport because you love to do it and because it makes you happy. When I go swimming I feel refreshed and happy. Do something because it makes you feel good about yourself and not as punishment.

I wish everybody could embrace their bodies instead of criticising it. We have one body. Our body is our temple and we have to live in it until we die. It’s time to start a revolution and love our body and care for it. Your scars, stretch marks, flaws, curves and everything about your body is perfect the way you are.  Eat the right food, take care of it and practise self love. You only have one body so it’s important to take good care of it. Don’t listen to what society tells us to be. We are perfect the way we are. You are already enough. We don’t have to look a certain way to be happy about ourselves. We are more than our body, we are a person with beautiful values and a personality.

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Sometimes I really wish I could gain more weight. I really wish that but I just can’t. I learned to accept that this is my body size. Maybe in the future when I maybe will get pregnant I will gain some weight but I guess it won’t be that much. My mother has the same body size and also gain a bit weight when she got pregnant. This is the way we were made. I’m never hiding it and always make pictures in Summer and with my bikini. I learned to be proud of my body despite the negativity or judgmental comments people would make me. I’m more than my body size. I’m a person with great values and have a caring heart. I think that means much more than a body size. We are all different and that’s what make us unique and beautiful ❀ I wish we can all start a revolution of loving our bodies because all bodies are beautiful.

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I hope you all liked this blog post. I wish you all can’t relate to it because it makes me feel sad that so many people on this world still don’t love their bodies. You are all beautiful. It doesn’t matter which size you are. Remember that you are always enough. Love yourself no matter what πŸ’•

Much love πŸ’œ,

xoxo Christina

10 life lessons I’ve learned in 24 yearsΒ 

Hola lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

My birthday is exactly in two weeks. I will be 25 years old on the first of June. A quarter of a century… Omg so old hahah. This blog post will about 10 life lessons I’ve learned in 24 years. I hope you can all somehow relate to my life lessons. These 10 life lessons are not in any rank. I find them all equally important.

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1. Not because you took longer than others you failed

I had to do my final exam of college of a subject called Legal Dimension of Europe which was about law in August last year. I did that exam in June too but failed for 0.5 point. I felt overwhelming sad and stressed. I thought I was never being able to graduate. My study was 4 years but I took two years longer because of anxiety and the break up of my first love which was when I was 19 years old. I had to do a lot of subjects these last two years which I skipped before. I made myself feeling so stressed because of those negative thoughts that I would never graduate. At the end, I passed that exam with an 8 in August and could graduate. I learned to never give up because at the end you will succeed. I learned that it doesn’t matter if you took longer than others. It doesn’t mean you failed.

2. Everything will happen in the right time

This is also a point which relate to my words on the first life lesso. There’s not a rule in life which says that you have to graduate at 20, have your first real job at 22, get married at 25 or have children at 26 for example. I learned that everything will happen on my own time. I still sometimes find myself thinking that I have to have my life together now. It’s all okay and everything will happen when it’s your time and when feel ready for it. You have your whole life to make anything happen. Just be patient and try not to stress so much about it.

3. It’s better to have a few real friends than a million of fake friends

I’m now living in Spain and haven’t seen my friends in The Netherlands for like 6 months. I also have some friends around the whole world who I haven’t seen for years. I know they will always be my friends. The distance doesn’t matter if the friendship is real. I learned that it’s way better to have a few good friends than many fake friends. I always wanted to have a lot friends but I realised it isn’t worth to have so many friends. I’m happy I loose contact with fake people because they weren’t my friends. A friend would never bully you, laugh about you or talk behind your back. I learned that you can count your real friends on two hands and that they will always understand you and be there for you no matter what.

4. Blogging made me realise that there are still good people in this world

Sometimes I was thinking about all those horrible things that bad people do in this world. I know there are lot of bad people out there but let’s never forget that there are still good people out there. You just have to find the rights ones. I’m so glad that since I began this blogging adventure last year in August I came in contact with so many amazing people. People who have beautiful values such as being honest, sensitive, vulnerable and real. I love that I made so many great friends online. I love this blogging community so much. I love to make friends with authentic and awesome people like you all are! ❀ Thank you for always holding space for me and for understanding my thoughts and emotions. It means the world to me.

5. Saving money is really important

I have been studying two years more than my actually studies were. I’m not so much as debt as other people I know. I only have a debt around €2500 – €3000. For me, it sounded very much but then my parents said than when I earn money I can pay it soon back. Of course, I would need a well paying job. I have savings on my bank account and I’m trying to save money that I get for example for my birthday. I’m realizing this year that saving money is really important. I know that when I’m going to work I will save some money on my savings account. I could save this money for taking driving lessons once. I’m really afraid to take driving lessons once but I really want to be able to drive. In June, I’m going to have conversations in English with a child and get €12 each hour so I will save this money. The point is that I find saving money sometimes really difficult because I love to travel, buy concert tickets, buy books, buy food and clothes. I hope I can save this year more and more.

6. Family will always be there for you

I love my family so much. We can get along so well even though in some subjects we may agree. That’s all okay. What’s important is that I realised that my family definitely will always be there for me, in good and bad times. I have had some people in my life who were fake friends and left me alone when I felt bad. My family will always support me and not leave me when life gets though.

7. Let all the toxic people go in your life

I’m happy that I let all those toxic people go in my life. I just don’t want to have people in my life who bully me, talk behind my back and laugh at my face. Those are not what friends do to you. It’s really good to let those toxic people go because you will feel so lighter and happier. I only want good people in my life such as my real friends and family who will always support me and help me. Toxic people will only create drama, gossips and make you feel bad about youself. Life is too short for all that drama.

8. Follow only people who make you feel good about yourself on social media

I deleted and blocked a lot of people on my social media accounts because I don’t want to have people who only cause drama and negativity in my life. It isn’t worth it. Social media can be a storm of drama and negativity but it’s important to use it the right way. Unfollow accounts which make you bad about yourself such as a top model who look a certain way. You may think that if you look that way you will be happy with youself when it isn’t true. I love to follow people who inspire me and make me feel good about myself such as a famous international yoga teacher called Yoga Girl also known as Rachel Brathen. I love to follow real authentic people who share the good and the bad in life, who are vulnerable and real. I dislike those accounts who only share the good. Life isn’t perfect and on social media many people only share the good and I just don’t like that because it isn’t real. We all have ups and downs in life. The most authentic people on social media are the ones who show that like Yoga Girl and stay true to theirselves. That’s what make people authentic.

9. Always follow your heart and your dreams

I learned an important lesson as I’m 24 years old right now. This lesson is that you always have to follow your dreams even though you may fail. If you never try, you never know if you will make your dream come true. I’m a strong believer that following your dreams in life is really important and it makes your life purposeful. When I entered the contest to win a trip to New York City and speak at the United Nations I never knew I could win this contest. I won with writing an essay in Spanish about equality of women and men. If I never entered the contest I would never know if I could win. I was so happy to win. My dream was to go to New York City and speaking at the United Nations was just an amazing dream that came true. Always follow your heart and dreams. Deep down in your heart you know what you want but sometimes you are just too scared to take that first step forward to make your wildest and biggest dreams come true. I encourage you to do it because you never know what can happen. It will change your life and you will happy you took that first step forward. Keep on dreaming and dream big! πŸ’•πŸŒ 

10. Travell as much as you can, as far as you can and as long as you can

Education will learn you many things but travelling will learn you things about life you don’t learn at school or in college. Travelling makes me come in contact with different cultures and languages. I love travelling and I will never stop travelling. New York City is the place I visited which was the most far away from my home in The Netherlands and Spain. I hope to visit it again and I hope to travel more and even more far away such Australia and South America. Never stop travelling. I’m so happy with all the friends I met. I have friends all over the world and I can’t wait to see them all again. Travelling will make your soul richer with every experience and will definitely make you come out of your comfortzone. You will not regret it. Go travel the world. The world is waiting for you to discover every place of it 🌍

I hope you all liked these 10 life lessons I’ve learned in 24 years. Let me know if you agree or relate to any of these lessons. I will speak to you all in my next blog post! Thank you all for reading.

Much love 😘,

xoxo Christina

I’m not good enough πŸ’­

Hey sweeties 😍,

Today I wanna talk about something which has been stuck in my head for so long. Today I wanna talk about the thought: I’m not good enough. I have to confess that I have had this thought my whole life. I always have had the fear of not being good enough. I have wasted a lot of time in thinking that I’m not good enough. I think it’s also because I have been bullied that I feel this way. If you haven’t read this story yet, you can read that story here: My story of being bullied

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I think many of us have this thought in the back of our minds. That fear of not being succesful enough, not smart enough, not beautiful enough…. I think that society also creates this thought. Especially women always have to be thin and look a certain way to be good enough. I see that on social media accounts, magazines and on television. I just see that everywhere. I think this is also the reason why many women start a strong diet, fitness to loose weight and develop eating disorders…. They will never feel good enough because they are not doing fitness to feel good about themselves. They are doing fitness to look a certain way to feel good. They will never obtain that goal, it’s just an illusion. Even if they loose some weight, it just will never be good enough. They continue and that is really dangerous for their health. I like to swim, do yoga or other sports and afterwards I feel good about myself. I don’t do it to loose weight or look a certain way. That’s the big difference. Of course, this can also happen with boys but there are still many more women who suffer from this problem.

We have to look a certain way to feel good about ourselves. It’s just bullshit. I know sometimes I look to other girls and compare myself way too often. I would for example see a girl who looked perfect in my eyes and instantly think like why can’t I be as beautiful as her, wear awesome fashion as her…. I’m not very good in matching oufits and I’m always kinda jealous about girls who dress so perfectly well. Why can’t I be like her? Sometimes I meet people and they tell me about their career and perfect life. Then I always feel like a failure. Thoughts as why can’t I do awesome things in life and am I really a failure come up. I have to know that life isn’t perfect and that everything we see on social media ain’t not true. We all have our ups and downs in life even though you only see the highlights on social media.

Why do I always feel like I’m not good enough? I learned about self love and self-care these years but I still have to work a lot to feel like I’m good enough and worth it. I don’t have to be another person or look a certain way to be good enough. I just have to be myself, wear what I want and love myself the way I’m.

I also had this thought a lot when it comes to boys. When I had a boyfriend from 17 till 19 years old, I felt like I was worthy of love and felt good enough. This was a kinda stupid thought because I’m already beautiful and not just because I have a boyfriend. I always thought somebody had to love me to feel good enough about myself. When he broke up with me, I felt really lost because I never learned to love myself. Everything happens for a reason. The break up learned me to love myself for who I’m, to respect myself, to set boundaries and to know that I’m good enough. I also learned that I first have to love myself before I can love someone else. I really love the quote β€œWe accept the love, we think we deserve” from the Perks of being a wallflower – Stephen Chbosky. I love Emma Watson and Logan Lerman so much. I encourage anyone to read the book and see this beautiful movie. After he broke up with me, I felt really insecure and had a low self esteem. I attracted the wrong boys because I thought that that was the love I deserve. Now, I learned that I deserve someone who would really respect me and my boundaries, love me for the way I’m and just have a safe and loving relationship.

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I know there are still so many of us struggling with body image. I find that so incredible sad. We are born out of love and have to embrace our bodies. Our body is our temple and is beautiful just the way it’s. Society creates this image that we have to look a certain way to be beautiful. I hope you all are trying to learn to embrace your body and love yourself. You are loved, you are worth it, your body is beautiful and so are you ❀ I know I still have to learn a lot about this subject but every step forward is a big accomplishment. I have to try to stop comparing myself to others and know that I can be myself and be beautiful.

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I hope this blog post will help all the people who are struggling right now with their body image and with the thought of not being good enough. Remember, that you are not your thoughts. You are beautiful just the way you are. I advice you to practice self love every day and be surrounded by good people. For example, when you wake up and look at the mirrow you can look at yourself and tell yourself you are beautiful. Maybe, this will have a positive effect on yourself. Start doing little things which will replace this negative thoughts about yourself into good thoughts about yourself πŸ’• I know it’s hard but we are all in this together πŸ’ͺ❀ You can all achieve amazing things in life!

To end this blog post, I will share this beautiful song from Selena Gomez & The Scene. I love the lyrics so much because it’s exactly about what I have just written about. Her song is about being your own beautiful selves ❀❀❀You don’t have to be like anyone else. You don’t have to be a beauty queen but just your own beautiful self. Selena Gomez is such a role model for self love πŸ’• I love her and her beautiful songs so much. I’m going to make a blog post about self love songs soon because there are so many beautiful songs out there.

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I love you all so much πŸ’•

Much love ❀,

xoxo Christina

10 reasons why I love December πŸ˜πŸŽ„

Hello lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

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YEAHHHH ASDFGHJKL it’s December and I’m so happy that it’s finally December! It’s my favourite month of the year. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right? I find December so special because it’s all about celebrating Christmas and New Year’s Eve with your loved ones and spread love and happiness in the world. This sometimes dark world needs that so much. Especially during that time we have to give more love to those who need it the most.

I’m gonna share now my 10 reasons why I love December so much! πŸ˜€ I hope you all agree and if you wanna add something, just write a comment below πŸ™‚ I would love to hear the things you love about this special month: DECEMBER.

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  1. Christmas lights

I think this is one of my favourite things of December. Everywhere you go you see Christmas lights. It’s getting darker and winter is coming. However, all those lights really light up my life and increase my happiness. I love it so much. I have lights in my room too. It’s just makes everything more cozy. I find it so nice to go shopping, to go to a restaurant or go outside and see all those Christmas lights around me. Christmas lights are everywhere. Gotta love it! ❀

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  1. Christmas songs and movies 

I’m so in love with Christmas movies. I love to watch Christmas movies and drink a hot  chocolate with cream or a cup of tea. My favourite Christmas movie is Love Actually. It’s a beautiful movie and all about Christmas and love. My favourite things in life! ❀ I also love the actors. It’s just such a cute movie. I also like the song “Christmas is all around us” in this movie. It’s just so funny! If you never watched this movie, you definitely should watch it πŸ™‚ I also love the movies Home Alone and The Holiday. What’s your favourite Christmas movie? I would love to know. I also love to hear Christmas songs. They makes me feel so happy. My favourite songs are “All I  want for Christmas is you” – Mariah Carey and “Last Christmas” – Wham! 

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  1. Christmas decorations

I love Christmas and its decorations so much. My mother is really obsessed about it too  haha. We have our home in Spain and in The Netherlands always decorated. I really like to  chill in the living room with the Christmas tree and its lights on. It just creates such a  nice and cozy feeling. Its the perfect ambiance. I also love the Christmas decorations  outside and just anywhere you go. It really increase that Christmas spirit.

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  1. Celebrations with your family and friends

This is an important reason why I love December so much. I love to have celebrations with my family and good friends. I love to celebrate Christmas with my family. This is  just such a beautiful time to spend extra time with your loved ones. I didn’t see some good  friends for almost a half year and one of my brothers a year ago because I live in Spain right now. This is the perfect time to see each other again and spread the love. I always celebrate Christmas in The Netherlands at home with my family. I always celebrate New Year’s Eve in Spain with my family. In Spain it’s a tradition to eat 12 grapes at 12 o’clock on NYE. We watch this tradition on the Spanish television. Afterwards, I always go out and celebrate New Year’s Eve with my good friends here in Spain.c45e97fb688cb6b3c83047cf35e0f60e.jpg

  1. Christmas cards

I love to write Christmas cards. I always write a lot of Christmas cards haha this year I wrote again 45 Christmas cards, which includes my dear family and good friends. I love to get Christmas cards. I love handwritten letters in general so much. It means the world to get them. This year I also draw some Christmas cards on my own. I hang all those Christmas cards in my room. Here’s a picture of some cards I draw and wrote this year.

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  1. Presents

I’m not in favor of luxery gifts such as really expensive gifts because it makes me feel spoiled. I find that Christmas sometimes is only about spending much money on expensive gifts and luxery food. I’m always thinking about the people who don’t have that much to spend or children in war. I prefer small gifts and things I really need. Maybe, I’m gonna make a blog post about the gifts I will get this Christmas. I really love to get presents but just little things and cheap things. They makes me so happy! πŸ™‚ Some gift wishes for me this year are a calendar for my room from New York City and a cinema light box. I really want a cinema light box since so long. It will look amazing in my room here in Spain. It’s a box with letters and lights. I also want a bucketlist calendar for my room which looks really cool with quotes and everyday there will be an awesome thing that you can do. I’m so excited for the presents which I will get this year under the Christmas tree!

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  1. Food/drinks

I love the food and drinks in December. I don’t love to eat so much that I get nauseous. I just love to eat little things and enough. In Spain, many people eat way tooo much omg like I don’t know how they will not throw up ugghh xD. I don’t like too much, just enough is good for me πŸ™‚ I love the cookies, sweets and chocolate. My favourite drinks during the cold months is definitely tea and hot chocolate. I love the brand name yogi tea where you can find a quote full of happiness and wisdom ❀ I also love a hot choolate so much. I make them at home with cream and marshmallows mmm ❀ This is my favourite cup of hot chocolate with xoxo. That reminds me of one of my favourite series Gossip Girl haha.

Here’s a picture of a hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows which I made a few days ago in my favourite cup xoxo.

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I also love to have my favourite Christmas blanket and advent calendar! I got this calendar from my mommy. It’s always a tradition for me to eat a chocolate every day until Christmas. Every day it’s a different form and has something to do with Christmas πŸŽ„πŸŽ… December begins for me with the advent calendar! I love it haha. It really makes me feel like a child again, so happy and excited πŸ˜πŸ˜‚ . What’s your favourite Christmas tradition? πŸ’­

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  1. Christmas spirit

I think I never mentioned this on my blog before but I’m catholic. Many people forget that  Christmas is celebrating the birth of Jesus. I used to sing in a choir for 11 years. I always had to sing on Christmas eve and at night. It was really so beautiful to sing all those wonderful Christmas carols. I believe in god and I believe that there’s something more. Sometimes I find it hard to believe because there is so much cruelty and war in this world. There are still good people out there even though it sometimes is a dark world. For me, the Christmas spirit isn’t getting the most luxery gifts or eat so much that you will explode. The Christmas spirit is all about giving love to your loved ones and be there for all the people in need.

5 years ago my first love broke up with me and I felt horrible. I felt so sad. I still get sad sometimes with Christmas because it reminds me of that time. I’m forever blessed to have an amazing family and good friends who are always there for me to cheer me up and make me happy. There are many people who feel lonely and sad with Christmas. There are many people suffering with a mental illness, like myself with anxiety, or any other illness or even commit suicide around this time. I would like to think of that people and be there for somebody in need. I always think of the refugees and people who are suffering during a war too. This makes me realise how grateful I have to be for all the things I have in my life. It’s a time of reflection and giving thanks to all the things you have in your life while others don’t have that. We should never take that for granted.

“Serious Request is a family of annual multiday, multimedia fundraising events for International Red Cross initiatives, typically hosted by radio stations in the week before Christmas. During the Dutch 3FM Serious Request, three popular Radio DJs are locked up for six days in a small temporary radio studio (the “Glass House”), placed in a main square in a different city each year. Living on a juice-only fast, the DJs make a interactive, themed broadcast around the clock, while regular programming on the station is suspended. Funds are raised in a few different ways. While the DJs are in residence, they play songs requested by listeners and visitors, in return for their donations. Straightforward donations are made into the project’s bankaccount, and by physical vistors depositing cash and cheques into the house’s letterbox.”

I love this event in The Netherlands so much. Every year it’s a different project. I always ask for a song and donate money. I find it important to donate money to a charity especially around Christmas because I know there are a lot of people who need help and support. I hope you all think of something and help those people in need. They need your support and love! ❀

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  1. Snow

I’m always celebrating Christmas in The Netherlands. It doesn’t snow in the winters months like years before. I don’t like the cold but I love the snow haha pretty strange xD I love a snow landscape so much. I used to take a lot of pictures because it looks just so wonderful and beautiful and omg I’m in just so in love with winter wonderland. The best Christmas feeling is waking up on Christmas day with snow! The best Christmas feeling is a white Christmas! ❀ I really hope that this Christmas it will snow again in The Netherlands. Let’s pray for the best hahah! Who else love snow on Christmas day?

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  1. Lettings things go and new beginnings

I’m also one of those people who make a list of resolutions for the new year and then doesn’t accomplish almost half of it hahah xD. Who else does this? I think every day is a new day to accomplish things and do the things you love. However, the ending of the year always reminds me of letting go all the bad things that happened this year and think of all the things I have learned. I think I’m going to make a blog post about this one too. This one would be about some resolutions for the new year and things I ‘ve learned this year.

A new year is coming and we have to keep everything we have learned this year. It’s all wisdom. I don’t like that sentence of New Year, New Me. I still feel the same when it’s January the first hahah. Every year I learn new things and experience new things in life which makes me grow. That’s what I believe. We can change our life every day and it doesn’t have to be just with this new year arriving. A  year has ended and we are ready for all the new experiences. It’s a time of letting all the bad things go and for new beginnings. I really like that. It makes me happy to let all the bad things go and let all the love for new beginnings and happiness fill my heart <3.

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I hope you all liked reading this blog post. I found it very nice to write this one. Be prepared for more amazing Christmas/New Year related blog posts. I will already say to all of you: Have an amazing holiday season with your loved ones! ❀

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Love you all so much ❀ ❀ ❀

Xoxo Christina

You must love yourself before you can love someone else πŸ’•

Hey lovely bloggers <3,

I always wanted to write about this. It’s just a subject which is so close to my heart. It’s something which always make me think about it and reflect about it. You must love yourself before you can love someone else. This is just so damn true.

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I had a two year relationship from 17 till 19 years old. We had a long distance relationship. I was living in The Netherlands and he was living in Switzerland. We saw each other like once in two or three months. He was my first love so the break up was really hard. After he broke up with me because of the distance, family problems and not the right timing, I felt so bad. He broke up with me just before Christmas face to face so every time it’s almost Christmas I begin to feel sad. Christmas time make me feel lonely and kinda depressed. It reminds me of that time. I still love Christmas so much but it still hurts sometimes.

This Christmas it will be almost 5 years since the break up. After the break up I went on an exchange to Spain for 5 months. During that time I was a completely mess. I started to drink so much alcohol, got drunk many times and then ended up crying and feeling sick. I kissed many boys without having feelings for them, just for fun. They all used me because I was in such a bad place. I was too sensitive and emotional. At night I had panick attacks. My heart was beating fast and felt just so bad. I wanted to give up on life. I know from myself that I would never do anything to myself such as self harm or commit suicide. I just can’t. However, I really felt so low for about three years I think. It’s just these last two years that I finally begin to feel like myself again.

Feeling like myself again? What does that even mean? It means that I don’t give my heart away to people who would only abuse it and cause me pain. It means that I don’t have to drink alcohol when I go out dancing with my friends. I can just say NO and feel good about it. Feeling like myself again means that I totally respect myself and love myself. I still have times where I make bad decisions like everybody else but I’m more aware of the choices I make. Now, I know that during that hard time I just didn’t love myself enough to make the right decisions for myself. I felt worthless and not good enough so I attracted the bad boys. I thought that I deserve that. This reminds me that if you feel good about yourself and love yourself, you will attract good people and make good choices because you feel that you deserve that.

I always thought that if someone loved me, I would feel whole. It’s just not true. I already had anxiety and low self confidence when I met my first love. I felt whole during that relationship because I thought like YEAHHH finally someone loves me so I’m worth it. It’s just a miss conception that somebody should love you so that you can love yourself. I always thought that somebody had to make me happy. I always thought that I need to heal my broken heart with not letting me feel the pain such as with drinking much alcohol and kissing bad boys. This would not let me feel the pain. It was just not the right thing to do. You will only heal when you sit down with your pain, feel it and cry about it. You have to let it out and talk about it with a good friend or a loved one. It’s the only way to heal your broken heart. Now, I’m just so happy that I didn’t give up. I’m just so happy that I moved on. Now, I know what’s right for me. I shouldn’t give my heart to people who will just cause me pain and let me suffer. I almost don’t drink any alcohol anymore. It made me cause even more anxiety and no good. I’m not a loser because I don’t drink alcohol. I do what feels right to me and my body.

If you are in a relationship now, I’m happy for you. Be with someone who understands you and makes you happy πŸ’œ Do what feels right to you. Say no more often. If this person only makes you feel about yourself and doesn’t respect your NO, then it’s time to leave this relationship. Nobody should make you feel bad about yourself. Leave that toxic relationship. You deserve so much more πŸ’–

For anybody being single, don’t rush yourself with finding your soulmate. You have your whole life ahead of you. I thought my whole life that I should have a soulmate to feel whole. It’s just not true. You are already whole. You don’t need just a person to love you to make you feel loved. You have to make yourself happy. Nobody can do that for you. Travel the world. Be with real friends. Do things that make you happy and then if you find someone who loves you, you already feel whole πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ .

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Everything will fall into place if you love yourself and put yourself first before anything else in life 😘 This is your life and you have the right to live it your way πŸ‘ŒπŸ’œ Life is beautiful after all 🌠

Much love πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Sometimes I really miss my childhood πŸ˜’πŸ’•πŸ‘ΈπŸŒˆπŸŒ 

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

I wanna talk in this blog post about how I miss my childhood sometimes. I think many bloggers can relate to this aswell, if of course you had a good childhood. Not everybody has that privilige especially kids in underdeveloped countries which I find so sad 😒. I remember one time that I made a box with toys and gave it to a church and they send it to those kids. They were so happy. They even wrote a card back to me. That just made my day! πŸ’•

This is little me, don’t know how old, maybe 5/6. I was dressing up as a beautiful princess haha πŸ‘‘πŸ‘Έ I always liked to play that. I would still do that for a theme party. It’s just so fun. I really like to dress up. I can’t wait to celebrate Halloween this Saturday with my friends here in Spain and dress up like a witch like I do ever year πŸ˜‚.

Sometimes I really do miss being this little. If I think of it I cry a bit. This was the time that I could be myself without a damn care in the world. This was the time that I could wake up at Christmas day and just be sooooo full of excitment. You know that feeling?! That’s just so beautiful. I still love Christmas so much but while having anxiety I find it sometimes stressing to be surrounded by all my family and get asked questions about what I’m doing with my life, career and all that stuff. I just don’t know what to say then. Back then nobody asked those questions. Life was just so simple. I really miss that. I could be happy with little things. As you grow older into an adult it all has to be big things such having a great job, a great partner and so on. Life is made about all those little things. 

This picture was made during Sinterklaas. I always made these crazy moves with my hand haha πŸ˜‚ This is a feast which we celebrate on the 5th of December. He brings presents to the kids. It’s so lovely that we all believed in this. We all believed in Sinterklaas, Santa Claus and The three kings when it wasn’t true. I was really shocked when I knew my parents were the ones who gave me presents. It was that time that I started not to believe the things people were telling me. I felt like everything was a lie. I was 8 years old. It’s just so magical to believe in all of this as a little child. 

That time I turned five years old. I love that the table is covered with images of beer hahaha xD. 

Everything was fun when I was little. I didn’t had periods pain. I played a lot and met great friends in primary school. I was really happy this time. It was at high school that I got bullied and things just changed. It was then that I knew the world wasn’t so colourful as I imagined. It was dark sometimes and sometimes really dark. I got a boyfriend when I was 17 and then at 19 he broke up with me and my whole life felt apart. I’m going to write about that love story in another blog post. It all felt apart in just in one second.

I miss this time where I could be innocent. I miss this time because I felt safe and loved in this wold. I didn’t knew anything yet about the dangers of the world. I just felt so happy and free like everything is fun and could smile and laugh the whole day. I miss this time because my heart was full of love and not broken. I miss this time because I wasn’t afraid of anything. I didn’t know the concept of fear in life. I was climbing on the trees and I didn’t think of falling out of the tree. That thought just didn’t came into my mind. If I would do that now, I would think of being careful and only do it if it will be 100% safe to do because I don’t wanna get hurt. When you are a child you just don’t think of all that stuff. 

What I really do miss is not being able to just not think about one second and not to worry all the time. Now I’m 24, and I worry so much. I guess I believed in too many fairytales. We all have so much to do in life and have to rush to do all those stuff. Adults seem to not be able to enjoy the present moment anymore and just sit still and do yoga and meditate. Those are such great tools to get that present moment and peaceful feeling back.

This picture was made during a holiday in Spain. I love the swing and still play on that sometimes. I just such a carefree feeling. 

This picture was also made in Spain in the Basque country. I was supporting these people hahaha πŸ˜‚

I have grown up with scars in my heart with being bullied in high school, having my heart broken and my father who almost died when I was 11 years old. This all caused me so much anxiety and sadness in life. After all, I’m thankful that this happened to me. It was all so hard but it shaped me. After my first love left me I couldn’t be happy and now after almost 5 years I’m able to be happy again. I now I won’t be this little innocent girl anymore but I have learnt from this all.

I learnt that life isn’t a fairytale but that it’s still so beautiful. We can make it beautiful. Its important to have deep and meaningful relationships with your family and friends. I learnt that we can add colour into our lives. I learnt that your family will always love you no matter how old you are. Your family will always be there for you πŸ’–

Those are my two older brothers. I love them till infinity and beyond. The middle: Rafael is 39 and the left one called Edward is 35. Edward is married and has a beautiful two years old daughter so yeahhh I’m already aunt! πŸ’•πŸ’–πŸ˜ Rafael has a Spanish girlfriend now for two years. 

I learnt that its normal to get nostalgic and sometimes wanna go back in time but its the past. We have to let it all go and move on. The future will be bright, it really will be 🌠 I learnt that we still have that child in our hearts. It’s still there but we have to set it free and be creative. I know the dangers of the world and am more careful but I still believe in the good people. I may be a real princess one day, who knows haha. What I really know is that I will be a dreamer & hippie for life. My heart will always be full of love and light because I so believe that even though the world can be seem really dark, there’s always a light that is shining out there πŸ’«

This is me also in Spain, Basque country in the garden of my lovely Spanish family 😍

Much love,

Christina xoxo 

Would you be friends with people who spoke to you the way you speak to yourself? πŸ’­

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

I saw this picture on Tumblr. This is just so true. We spend so much time doubting, hating and making fun of ourselves. Instead, we should love ourselves more for what we are. I can relate to this so much. I find it hard too. I remember so many times that I have said to myself that I’m not good enough or other bad thoughts such as that I’m not looking good or that I’m not beautiful. I still find it hard to trust these thoughts. However, I learned to not trust “this voice” in my head all the time even though it’s really difficult sometimes.

If a friend would spoke to me the way I speak to myself sometimes, I really wouldn’t be their friend anymore. How can you be friends with someone who is constantly saying negative things about you?! You don’t wanna be around with such a negative person. Why do we find it so damn easy to say things like we aren’t worth it, we aren’t good enough, we aren’t pretty like her/him to ourselves? We would never ever say that to a friend. We know those are bad thoughts πŸ’­.

I think the reason why we find it so easy to say those things to ourselves lies also in society and media. We always see those perfect famous people; with all their glamour and perfect bodies that we increase this mis conception of not feeling good about ourselves. We see those lives and we feel like we aren’t good enough. We scroll through social media and see all those perfect people and wanna be like them. It ain’t perfect. They have problems too but only the good parts are showed. That’s media. Trust me, being famous isn’t always a happy life if you look to the facts that many famous people can’t cope with their lives and take a lot of drugs, alcohol and even suicide…. I find that really sad. 

Society increase those feelings of not feeling good enough constantly. We are so much aware of it. We see those examples in magazines, on social media, on television, just everywhere. It really annoys me. We have to excercise a lot, look skinnier, gain much money, have a perfect job, have a perfect family, travel to the best places on earth, buy a bigger house… It’s always about having more and being better. I don’t like that about our competitive society. It’s never good enough. 

I love this poem which I found on Google. It shows us how society will always find something to tear us down and how we would never be good enough. We shouldn’t listen to that negative voice but focus on how to feel good about ourselves.

Instead we should focus on what we have and achieve inner peace. Inner peace will bring us to self love. If we are happy about ourselves, we also focus on making good choices for our lives. If we feel good in our skin, we will excersise and eat healthy but not to be skinnier. I hate those fitness and diet pages so much. It only increase that negative feeling about yourself. I’m a believer of making good choices for yourself just to feel about yourself. If you all the time try to be skinnier and skinnier, you will never feel happy. It will never be good enough. 

We can eat healthier and do things we love just to feel good about ourselves and increase our health but not to obtain a certain imaginary goal which can’t never be achieved.

Fuck whats society tells you. Don’t believe them. You are good enough. You are beautiful with all your curves. Be proud of yourself. If you have a bad thought coming into your head of not being good enough, you could think of the things what makes you YOU. You are unique and have so many good qualities. You can be romantic, sensitive, kind, social, compasionate… Those are all good qualities. I know you must have all of these too and so muh more πŸ’«

Being beautiful for me means not something temporary like the looks of a person. No. Being beautiful for me means how a person thinks and feels. Being beautiful goes beyond someone’s looks. It’s all about their qualities and dreams in life. Take all the superficial things away and you have that beautiful person. Being beautiful lays down in your soul. Looks will fade away with the years, but that personality and soul will always stick with you for the rest of your life.

Let the world talk. Make good choices for yourself and always out of love. Love yourself for what you are. Stop doubting about yourself. Know you are worth it and achieve all the dreams that you have. 

Believe in yourself, because YOU are beautiful and good enough. Never ever doubt that πŸ’œπŸ’‹

Much love,

xoxo