I rocked my internship interview today! πŸ’ͺπŸ’—

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Before I want to share with you all my March favourites I want to share you this blog post. In this post I will write about how well I did my internship interview today at the 5 stars hotel in a village near to Valladolid called SardΓ³n de Duero. I already wrote in this blog post about how I applied for this internship and how I did my Skype interview. I was so anxious to do that and had to take a benzo medication for my anxiety before I did it. It went pretty well. After two weeks they emailed me back that they wanted to do a personal interview when I was going to Spain which brings me to here.

I was pretty excited about it but also super scared and anxious. Anxiety never leaves me and is pretty high lately so I suffer a lot. I had this personal interview planned two weeks ago but I was so anxious that I postponed it until today. I can’t keep postponing as it will not help me to face my fears. So I decided to do it today the 2th of April at 11.30 in the morning which is so early for me as my sleep routine is messed up as usually.

I went to bed last night with anxiety and took a benzo to calm me down. The strange thing is that it made my heartbeat faster when I just wanted to feel calm and have a normal heartbeat. I slept like 6 hours which is way too less for me and when I woke up I felt again anxious. I’m happy I did the interview today because yesterday I had to go to the toilet often because of drinking a milkshake in the weekend which was too cold together with my period coming and anxiety. I still felt anxious though so I took a benzo again but felt again like my heart was beating so fast. This time I wasn’t nauseous and I just ate some cookies so almost nothing to not vomit from anxiety. I also took some sugar to not be dizzy. I have to prepared for everything always.

I almost didn’t want to go again today but I went with my lovely mother. We were supposed to go with the taxi and then the bus from Valladolid but at the end we went with the taxi all the way to SardΓ³n de Duero because otherwise we would have to walk from that village to the hotel which was about 4 km. The woman who drove the taxi was very nice and gave us a discount of €15 because the total price was €30. In Holland it would be even more expensive. I was happy that we were on time. We still had to walk a bit to the hotel as the hotel is in such a beautiful place full of vine yards and beautiful nature πŸ©πŸŒ²πŸŒ³πŸ‡.

When we arrived at the main entrance of the hotel a woman came to us and said that we also could have gone with the taxi until the entrance. I said the name of the woman I was searching for the interview. Then we had to call by the wine office and they opened the door. All the doors are locked and there are cameras everywhere. I guess it’s normal because it’s a 5 stars hotel and also the best hotel in Spain and Portugal and one of the best in the world. We waited downstairs until the woman from my skype interview came downstairs and I could go upstairs to the office. She said that I could go to that room and then closed the door. That was the worst of it haha the waiting part. I felt soooo anxious and my heart was beating so fast πŸ˜₯. Maybe I waited for only 5 or 10 minutes but it felt much longer.

Finally, the woman from HR came and also the man who interviewed me through Skype who is the director of butlers. They asked me almost the same questions as through the Skype interview which I liked because I was prepared for it. I told my strengths and weaknesses. I told them I’m compassionate, sensitive and helpful person. I also said that I would have to improve dealing with pressure in work and in life and better planning. They told me about what I would do as a trainee. I would have to work being a recepcionist but also having personalised contact with the clients. This hotel is super special because there’s a special service of being a butler which means bringing a welcome drink to the room of the guests and putting flowers in the room before they arrive. These special things is what makes the guests come back because they love the personalised service in this unique hotel. This hotel also has a spa, makes their own wine and there are yoga classes and meditation. I really need to stay here once even though it cost €400 for one night but it’s definitely worth it πŸ‘ŒπŸ’—

I also talked in English to prove that I can speak well English. The only bad thing is that I need an agreement from my university and since I’m not studying anymore I don’t know if I will get that. It’s almost two years since I graduated. Hopefully, I can fix a paper or something. They also told me that I would get €250 and accomodation and food which depends of the shift. The morning shifts are really early from 7 o’clock till 3 o’clock and the afternoon shifts are from 3 o’clock till 11 o’clock. I would have to live with some other trainees in a house in the village of SardΓ³n de Duero which is 4 km from the hotel. I don’t know if I would walk to the hotel or go with someone. That also makes me anxious because I’m so used to live at home by my parents and that feels safe. I only lived once with a family during my exchange time and it went wrong. I felt so anxious and began to drink much which isn’t the case anymore but I still find it hard to trust people. I also love to have my privacy. They say they have people from all over the world doing an internship there.

I’m just happy I did it because it’s a huge milestone for me to overcome this fear today. It was definitely outside my comfortzone. They were all so friendly and I shouldn’t have been worried about it but that’s the curse of suffering with anxiety. The hotel is unbelievable beautiful and in the middle of nowhere full of pines, nature and vine yards πŸ˜πŸ‡. I love the smell of the pines. It creates a sense of peace and happiness ✨. At the end of the interview we said goodbye and they will tell me if I get the internship or not. It also depends if I get the agreement from my university as they are also going to contact my university. It’s going to be almost impossible to be honest. I went downstairs again where my mother was waiting and the woman of HR who was just a few years older than me showed us the way which we had to follow to go to the village to catch the bus to Valladolid. She was from the same village where my grandmother was a teacher. Such a coincidence. They almost even wanted to bring us by car but I said that we could walk it. They said it would be 10 minutes well my mother and I walked 35 minutes haha so much πŸ˜‚. It was a nice walk within the pines along side the river Duero. It was also sunny so it was okay πŸŒžπŸ‘Œ.

In the village we had to wait like almost two hours for the bus to Valladolid because that’s the bad thing of living in a village. There are not many buses during a day. One day I will have to learn to drive car even though I’m scared of that too. Sometimes it makes life easier. We ate at the bus station of Valladolid a delicious meal with potatoes, some meat, eggs and as dessert ice cream and yoghurt. I was then crying and I also cried a lot at home later because I felt emotional and anxious after the whole day.

Also I was angry because I don’t want to go again to Holland because I feel like I always have to go where my parents go because I have no money. I also don’t want to feel pressured again to search for a job there. I was also angry because I’m already two weeks in Spain and didn’t see any of my friends. I was suppose to meet one friend and again she couldn’t see me. I’m just so done with it all. I feel like I connect more with internet friends nowadays than real friends. I’m done being there always for everybody when almost nobody is there for me. It hurt so much 😒. I also went to the church today to light up some candles to bring peace in my heart πŸ™. Fortunately, I could make the suitcase today and watch a nice Spanish serie with my mother at home. I’m just happy this day is over πŸ’ͺ.

Thank you all for reading this blog post and listening to me. What do you think of this internship? Do you have any tips? How would I get that agreement of my university when I’m not studying there anymore? Let me know your thoughts. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Poem: Being real about suffering from anxiety

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I just always want to be 100% honest on my blog. I don’t like to lie on here. I don’t stand people always sharing their best lives and tell people online how perfect their lives is. Life isn’t always beautiful. I love to get inspired by people who share the truth, the good and the bad. I wrote this a few days ago because that’s how I felt in that moment.

I feel a bit better now because I planned a trip with my mother for tomorrow to go to the city Leon. Spontaneous trips make me the happiest. I also love to discover new cities where I have never been to. It’s two hours by bus from Valladolid. I just booked a beautiful three stars hotel with a spa. I can’t wait to relax, swim and go in the whirlpool. I love hotels with spa. I also can’t wait to enjoy this beautiful city. Leon is famous for their delicious tapas. For a drink you get a tapa for free. It’s also famous for the cathedral which is one of the most beautiful ones in the world. I can’t wait to share you my trip with you all.

For now, I want to share with you all this poem. I feel like this sometimes. It’s really hard to suffer from anxiety but we are all in this together πŸ’ͺπŸ’—

Being real about suffering from anxiety

I feel so anxious lately

I’m doing bad again

I’m isolating myself

I’m hiding myself

I’m only seeing my family

I don’t see my friends often

Most of them are busy living their lives

I feel lost and lonely

I feel like I can’t do the everyday life things such as going to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth out or do the internship interview to work in a hotel in Spain

It all takes me too much energy

Too much anxiety

For me it’s hard but for others who aren’t suffering from a mental illness it will be easy

I believe everyone experience hard times and anxiety in their lives

For me it’s an illness, a never ending struggle which makes living so hard

I’m afraid to ask for help

I’m afraid of life

But

I’m also afraid of dying

Is that really living or existing?

I have to go on

All I can see now is darkness

I know I won’t do anything bad to myself but feeling this way is also not okay

Hopefully within time I will feel better

All I need is to get better πŸ™

To be happy again

To follow & achieve my dreams ✨🌠

I know we all can do it

For anyone else struggling right now

You are not alone

You are loved πŸ’—

We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ

Thank you for reading this blog post. Thank you for being there for me πŸ’— Did you like my poem? Can you relate to it? How are you feeling in life right now? Let me know your thoughts. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Living with trichotillomania

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I want to share a blog post about a mental health disorder which is trichotillomania. I feel ashamed to share it but I have to share it. I actually didn’t want to share this but today I find the courage and strength to share this in the hope others who are suffering from it too don’t feel alone. I also want to raise awareness and understanding. I have never been diagnosed of it but I know I have it because it isn’t normal what I do. I just feel I can share it here as it’s my safe space.

Picture of a girl pulling hair out because of trichotillomania

As you all know by reading my blog I suffer from anxiety which is hard and I’m not doing well lately. I also suffer from trichotillomania which I think is a consequence of feeling anxious. Trichotillomania is also called hair-pulling disorder, is a mental disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes or other areas of your body, despite trying to stop.

Explanation of trichotillomania

I wouldn’t pull my hair out but what I do is pulling my eyebrows and eyelashes out. I feel so ashamed and bad about it. I think I have had it all my life but lately it’s been really bad. Last year, I had basically one eyebrow in Spain because the other one I pulled almost completely out. It was really bad. I covered my face with my bangs because thanks god I have bangs otherwise everyone would have seen it.

I remember cancelling appointments with people because I felt so ashamed of it. I didn’t want my friends to see me that way. I would think that they think I’m crazy and out of control 😒 It really hurt me. Some people asked me once and I said it was an infection and that I went to the doctors. They believed me. I felt good about lying but I still made me feel bad. I wouldn’t like to see myself in the mirrow. I felt ugly because of it. Then I didn’t do it for a few months and on my birthday last year it was almost all good again. Until next time….

This year it happened again, this time it was the other eyebrow but I’m happy it grows fast but I had like open spaces. One day I was meeting my best friend in Holland and then she saw my eyebrow and said that I always had full eyebrows and asked what happened. At the end, I told her and felt so ashamed. I was so happy she understood me and said we all have our things. One is nail biting, the other one pulls their eyebrows out and the other one has another thing. My good friends know it too and respect me. They also are worried about me. I love to feel loved and it’s good to know that they care about me.

I also always think it could be worse. I never did self harm and never will do because I’m afraid of blood. I feel dizzy and nauseous when I see blood. However, what I do is also not okay and maybe I have to ask for help for it. I also would have to do that for anxiety and I’m not doing it because I’m so anxious of therapy. That’s just the truth. A few years ago I went to a sort of mental health worker in Holland and had to vomit every time I went so I don’t want to go through that again. Here I’m still so anxious about everything in life such as going through an interview in Spain for an internship in a hotel, getting my wisdom teeth pulled out one day and just everything in life. I’m not okay.

My eyebrows are kinda okay now. I searched a lot through internet and I read that castoroil would grow your eyebrows and eyelashes. It definitely does. My eyebrows have grown so much. I’m happy about that 😊. I’m not happy about this month that I begin to pull my eyelashes out as I have almost no eyelashes in one eye. It makes me feel so bad and ashamed again. My mother watch me doing it and said I make her nervous. She said just stop it but I just can’t. It’s so difficult to stop it. I hate it. I will keep using castoroil and hopefully for my next birthday the first of June I will have more eyelashes again. I feel like eyelashes grow less faster than eyebrows.

Conversation of someone having the mental illness trichotillomania

Sometimes I don’t do it for a time, could be days or even months but then I begin again and I just can’t stop until I made it so bad. I won’t share pictures because this feels already so hard to share. I hope you all don’t think I’m crazy because trust me I really wish I wouldn’t do this stupid thing. I just wish not many people will see it. Maybe, I have to buy fake eyelashes as I see many people and celebrities wearing it. I’m afraid it would destroy my eyes or hold on the growing of the eyelashes when using castoroil. I don’t know what to do. I also for now stopped using mascara as you would see that on one eye I have all my eyelashes and on one not. I love to wear make up but for now I don’t do it πŸ˜”.

Girl crying because of her illness trichotillomania

Thank you all for reading this vulnerable blog post. I feel good to share it here as I know you are always there for me. Thank you for holding space for me you have πŸ’— We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ Do you also suffer from trichotillomania? Do you have any tips? What would you do? Let me know as I would really appreciate your thoughts and help.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Turtles all the way down by John Green book review & my favourite quotes πŸ“–πŸ’—πŸ’

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

It’s time for a book post again yeahhh! It takes me so long to read a book to be honest. I love to read every day 10 pages so it takes me a few months to read one book. I’m a slow reader πŸ˜‚ I finally finished the amazing young adult book Turtles all the way down by John Green. This post will be a review of the book and I will also share my favourite quotes from it. I hope you are going to love it as much as I do.

Turtles all the way down – John Green πŸ’šπŸ’

Summary:

It’s the latest novel of John Green. This book is about the 16 year old Aza who suffers from anxiety and OCD. Her best friend is called Daisy. It’s a story about love, friendship, Star Wars fan fiction, mistery and loss. Together they are trying to solve a mistery case of the fugitive billionaire and the promise is a cash reward. In the book you can read the ever-tightening spiral of Aza’a own thoughts. She’s always afraid to get sick and die.

My review:

I really loved this book so much. It’s so raw, real and honest. John Green suffered from OCD and anxiety in his teenage years. This book is so beautiful. I can relate so much to the thoughts of Aza. I also experience that never ending spiral of thoughts which cause me anxiety. He described the thoughts of Aza so real that you can understand it so well. I also love Daisy who’s her best friend and who’s more rational. She doesn’t suffer from a mental illness but helps her best friend so well. Their friendship is beautiful with their ups and downs. I love the writing style from John Green so much. My favourite book from him is The fault in our stars. I still have to read many more of him. I also likes that this book is easy to read.

Stars: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

I give this book 4 stars because I loved to read it. However, sometimes they were some difficult words written such as from an illness which I didn’t know. I also give it 4 stars because I would have liked a little bit more information of the fugitive billionaire. It was an amazing book to read because it’s so honest and true. I find it hard to deal with anxiety and any mental illness such as anxiety or OCD needs awareness and understanding. I hope many teeangers, young adults and just anyone read this amazing book to understand what it feels to have those thoughts every day. Then they can understand how exhausting it is. John Green is such an amazing writer! I love him so much and hope he continues to write beautiful books! 😍

My favourite quotes:

I would love to share now my favourites quotes from this book. They inspire me and make me feel so much emotions. I hope it inspires you as well.

β€œWe never really talked much or even looked at each other, but it didn’t matter because we were looking at the same sky together, which is maybe even more intimate than eye contact anyway. I mean, anybody can look at you. It’s quite rare to find someone who sees the same world you see.”

β€œThe problem with happy endings is that they’re either not really happy, or not really endings, you know? In real life, some things get better and some things get worse. And then eventually you die.”

β€œNo, it’s not, Holmesy. You pick your endings, and your beginnings. You get to pick the frame, you know? Maybe you don’t choose what’s in the picture, but you decide the frame.”

β€œOur hearts were broken in the same places. That’s something like love, but maybe not quite the thing itself.”

β€œWe always say we are beneath the stars. We aren’t, of courseβ€”there is no up or down, and anyway the stars surround us. But we say we are beneath them, which is nice. So often English glorifies the humanβ€”we are whos, other animals are thatβ€”but English puts us beneath the stars, at least.”

β€œEvery loss is unprecedented. You can’t ever know someone else’s hurt, not really – just like touching someone else’s body isn’t the same as having someone else’s body.”

β€œIt’s so weird, to know you’re crazy and not be able to do anything about it, you know? It’s not like you believe yourself to be normal. You know there is a problem. But you can’t figure a way through to fixing it. Because you can’t be sure, you know?”

β€œI get that nothing lasts. But why do I have to miss everybody so much?”

β€œYou feeling scared?”
β€œKinda.”
β€œOf what?”
β€œIt’s not like that. The sentence doesn’t have, like, an object. I’m just scared.”

β€œThoughts are only thoughts.They are not you, you belong to yourself even when your thoughts don’t.”

β€œYou remember your first love because they show you, prove to you, that you can love and be loved, that nothing in this world is deserved except for love, that love is both how you become a person, and why.”

β€œAnd the thing is, when you lose someone, you realize you’ll eventually lose everyone.”

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all liked this book review. Did you read Turtles all the way down? Did you like it? Did you read any book of John Green? What was your last read? Let me know. I would love to know your thoughts. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

February favourites πŸŽ‰πŸŽΆ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I loved to make this post last month so I’m doing it again this month. It’s nice to write about your favourites things every month. I ate delicious food with my friends this month. I was happy to finally have fun with my friends again as I didn’t see them in so many months. I really missed it. I will also let you know other things I did, which serie I enjoyed this month, what my favourite music was this month & some other good things of February πŸ’—

My favourite music πŸŽΆπŸ’ž:

Ariana Grande – Thank u, next album

I basically only listened to the new album called Thank u, next of ARIANA GRANDE!!!! It’s so good. If you haven’t listened to it yet, do it! You won’t regret it. I have always liked her music but I consider myself definitely a fan of her now. I would love to go to her concert and meet her. She’s such a queen and I love her so much πŸ‘Έ. This album is so real, honest and so beautiful. My favourite songs are “Needy”, “Bloodline”, “Fake Smile”, “Thank u, next” and “Break up with your girlfriend, I’m bored.” I love all the songs, the lyrics and music so much but these are my favourites 🎢

My favourite serie I watched πŸ“Ί:

Amar es para siempre

I watch this Spanish serie every day of the week in the evening with my mother. We love it. This serie is already so many years on television. Love is forever is the title in English. It’s about different families and things happen. Right now, I love the story of Lusita and Amelia which is a lesbian couple. They are so cute together πŸ‘­πŸŒˆ. I love this story as it’s important for society to accept that love is love.

This serie is played in the 80s where in Spain society was still not so open for it so they have to hide all the time. I’m curious how the story will go. There’s also another story in this serie of a toxic relationship where a man called Gabriel is trying to make Natalia falling in love with him. She’s in love with his brother. It’s very complicated and Gabriel is really such a dangerous man. I hope she can escape and it will end well. We will see πŸ€—

My favourite movie I watched 🎬:

Valentine’s Day

I didn’t see this movie in a long time and I love it so much. It’s one of my favourite movies. It was the right time to see it this month πŸ’—. I love the actors so much such as Ashton Kutcher, Anne Hathaway, Taylor Lautner, Taylor Swift, Julia Roberts and Emma Roberts. Those are my favourites πŸ’•. I also loved the songs in the movie so much such as “Today was a fairytale” and “Jump then fall” by Taylor Swift. I always listened to these songs when I was in love and I still love them. I also love the song “Stay here forever” from Jewel so much. I like all the stories in this movie so much. At the end you never know how things will go but we all deserve good love.

DVD of Valentine's Day

My favourite gifts/things I got πŸ’•πŸŽ:

Valentine’s Day gifts

I may not have a romantic Valentine but I have my mommy who always gives me presents on Valentine’s Day 🌹. She makes me happy and feel less lonely on this day. It’s a day to celebrate love in all it’s forms. I love her so much. She’s the most important person in my life. She bought me delicious chocolate, a lavender bath bomb, a cute card and a bag. I also got the magazine Happinez which is a nice magazine full of wisdom, self care and self love tips. She got it for free from a woman in the shop who didn’t want it hahah better for me πŸ˜‚ I also gave some chocolate and presents to my best friend. She also gave me a card and a lovely present.

Receiving letters and a dress πŸ’ŒπŸ‘—:

I received a pen pal letter from my good friend Mollie which I met on Instagram. I love to receive letters so much. I also received a beautiful letter from one of my blogging best friends Chloe. I also bought a white dress from Daphne which I also met on Instagram. It was just €10 and I really love that dress. It’s perfect for this Spring and Summer time 🌞❀️ I love you all so much. Receiving something always makes me so happy.

My favourite trip we booked πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡ΈβœˆοΈ:

Flight tickets to Spain

My father booked the flight tickets for me and my mother to go to Spain in March πŸ’•πŸŒžπŸŒŽπŸŒ». I can’t wait to go again as I have missed it so much. I’m already two months in The Netherlands. I can never stay too long in The Netherlands πŸ˜‚ I really feel sad and lonely this time. Sunshine makes me feel happy and less anxious. I feel like I lack so much energy these days to do anything.

I need the sunshine β˜€οΈπŸŒŠπŸ„β€β™€οΈ. I can’t wait to see my Spanish friends again and eat delicious tapas. I also am thinking of planning a trip to the beach and I would love to surf soon again. I just can’t wait to go away.

Quote of travelling with a map and airplane

My favourite food I have eaten 🍴:

Pancakes made by my daddy

Typical pancakes in The Netherlands are called pannenkoeken. I love the homemade pancakes made by my daddy so much! He always makes the best ones 😍πŸ₯žπŸ΄βœŒοΈ They were so delicious mmm.

Lunch at Cups and Leafs in Haarlem with my bestie πŸ’•

I finally saw my bestie after three months! 😍 I love Socialdeal. You can find on this website great discounts to eat in a restaurant. We had a delicious lunch at Cups and Leafs in Haarlem. It’s such a cute and cozy place. I love those kinds of lunch/tea places so much. We enjoyed a delicious tomato soup, a delicious bread with mozzarella, pesto, rucola and cherry tomatoes and a dessert. I had a chocolate dessert with biscuits and marshmallows and my bestie had a salt dessert. I had to take mine to home as I was so full πŸ˜‚. For drinks we enjoyed a delicious sunny berry juice and I had a wildberries smoothie. It was all so delicious! I can’t wait to go again. I love you πŸ’—

Drinking healthy smoothies, tomato soup and bread with mozzarella, pesto and rucola with my best friend in Cups of Leafs in Haarlem

Tapas night at Tapasbar El Pincho in Haarlem with my friends πŸ΄πŸ˜‹

I had such a great night on the 24th of February with my friends. My bestie and her girlfriend, two other good friends from my studies and one other friend I know came. I’m happy to finally meet up with a group of friends as it’s so much fun. We ate delicious Spanish tapas. This restaurant is so good as I already ate here two times and keep going back with my friends πŸ˜πŸ€—. We ate bread with tapanade and aioli, tortilla, jamΓ³n serrano, champignons, aubergine, vegetable croquettes, vegetables, olives, patatas bravas, and so much more. As dessert I had crema catalana which I love so much πŸ’• You could also choose pie with ice cream. Spanish vibes always πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡Έ

Friends who love food are the best friends you can ask for 😍🍴We laughed and talked so much. I’m so grateful to have you all in my life. There was even a time my face hurt because of smiling and laughing so hard hahah that’s always a good sign of having fun. Friends forever πŸ’—πŸ’ƒLove you all so much 😘

Tea and apple pie at the Restaurant Cruquius with my mother

I enjoyed a nice bike ride with my mother in our park 🚲. It was sunny and about 12 degrees 🌞. Flowers are already growing in our garden. Spring time is coming soon. I can’t wait for Spring to finally arrive! πŸŒΈπŸ’ I’m so done with the cold winter brrrrrr. We went to the restaurant Cruquius to drink a delicious mint tea & apple pie with cream! πŸ˜πŸ˜‹ I have to go outside more and move more because it’s so good for your physical and mental health.

Other things I did πŸ’»πŸ΅:

Seeing my oldest brother and his wife – Family time πŸ‘ͺ

I’m happy that I saw my oldest brother Rafael and VΓ©ronica twice this month. We live 10/15 minutes away by car from them. One time me and my mother went to their apartment to drink a delicious mint tea and eat some cookies. The other time they went to our home to drink a tea with me and my parents and ate apple pie. It was nice to see them again. They also brought delicious chocolate for Easter πŸ«πŸ˜‹. I miss seeing my brothers. I wish to see my other brother, his wife and niece also soon. The last time we saw them was with Christmas πŸŽ„.

Took a lavender bath πŸ’—πŸ›€

My mother bought me a bath bomb of lavender for Valentine’s Day. I used it for the bath. It was so amazing. I love the colour, the smell and it’s just so relaxing 😍.

Applying for internships/Summer job and facing my fear

I applied to do an internship in a 5 stars hotel in Spain in a village near to Valladolid. It would be for 6 months. I would earn €250. It’s such a beautiful hotel. I loved looking to all the pictures online. It was a monastery and is totally restaurated. It has a spa, inside swimming pool and outside too. It’s a luxe hotel and is famous because of the vine yards πŸ·πŸ‡. I thought why not give an internship a try. The only thing is that for me it’s also important that I have Summer holidays as it’s the only time of the year I’m happy to enjoy the beach, swim in the ocean, have time with my friends, going to concerts, go surfing and travelling. I will have to mention that.

I was so anxious to do the Skype interview three weeks ago. I woke up with high anxiety and took a medication benzo to have less anxiety. That helped a lot as I was feeling so nauseous and bad. I was close to crying. It went very well as usually when I’m anxious to do something stressful. There were two people from the hotel interviewing me. I answered all the questions. I talked about my studies and I also talked in English. The only bad thing is that they would have to give me accommodation and food as it’s too far from our home there. However, I feel more safe in my home so I don’t know if I will feel comfortable in the hotel. You also need a certificate from your university and since I’m not studying anymore that would be impossible to get. Maybe, they don’t consider it important anymore. I got an email back last week that they want to do a personal interview when I’m in Spain. I guess that’s a good sign. I’m also so anxious to do that as I haven’t done that before. I’m just happy and proud of myself of facing my anxiety rather than always hiding from my fears πŸ’ͺ

I also applied for another internship at a 5 stars hotel in Valladolid. That’s also a spa hotel. There you would earn €400 and they could even hire you when you finish your internship. I applied to do a Summer job too which is to help at a surf school and surf camp in the north of Spain in Cantabria. You would get accommodation and food in return of working a few hours. You can also go surfing which is what I really want to do soon. It’s been way too long! πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠ I will wait for all the answers. All of these things will not make me rich haha πŸ˜‚ but it’s worth the experience. What do you guys think? Let me know your thoughts.

Thank you all for reading my February favourites post. I hope you all enjoy it. It’s nice to focus on all the positive things during a month rather than always staying with the bad things. It’s much easier to think negative than positive. What were your favourites of my list? Do you also love to eat in a restaurant as much as I do? πŸ˜‹πŸ΄What did you enjoy last month? Let me know. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Being sick, sad and confused πŸ’­

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

In this blog post I will talk about how I’ve being sick this time of the year. I will also talk about feeling sad and lonely. I will also write about feeling confused of making a certain decision which will change my life for the better or for worse. I hope that with writing this blog post I can make somehow my mind up or at least feel a bit better after I’ve written this.Β I’m not doing well lately because I’m sick. Before New Year’s Eve in Spain I had a cold. I got this cold in The Netherlands. I thought that I was done with being sick. I got my period after that which also sucks. Then my mother got sick with coughing so much, vomiting and also having fever.

Last Tuesday I got sick again and I think I have the flu because I have not been eating anything only drinking, my muscles hurt, I feel very weak, sneezing, running nose, fever of 38.4 degrees and coughing all the time. Sometimes I’m even afraid of coughing because it makes me feel like I almost am going to vomit even when I didn’t eat anything these days. I also had to travel this week without eating anything. I only drank water, citrosan which is a Dutch medicine (hot drink with lemon and paracetamol) and a Spanish kind of soup with vegetables and pumpkin. It was delicious and I waa happy to be able to drink that.Β I hope that I feel better soon. It’s already the fifth day that I don’t eat anything. I hate not being able to eat because I love food πŸ˜πŸ˜‹. If I don’t eat I soon feel dizzy or weak. My father for example can go many days without eating and still feels strong πŸ˜‚ He is such a lucky man hahah. Unfortunately, my body doesn’t work that way. I’m happy that my lovely mama bought soup, tissues, hot drink, honey and lots of other stuff. I hope it works to make me feel good again.

Being sick also increase my anxiety like I begin to worry more about my life. Lately, I also feel sad because I don’t feel supported in life by my real life friends. I talked to some of my good friends and nobody talks to me back. I’m feeling so lonely and also angry because I’m always there for everyone. When I’m feeling bad nobody is there for me. It’s just how I feel. I’m so done with feeling that way. I also expected one good friend coming to visit me in Valladolid. It never happened and didn’t wrote me back. It makes me feel sad 😒.Β I feel more supportive by my online internet friends than people in real life. Maybe it’s just a sign of the universe that those are the people who matter. You will see who belong in your life just with seeing their actions and not their words. Words are broken promises. I hope I will meet many people from this blogging community, mental health community, Yoga Girl community and many more communities this year. I would love to have deep talks with you all, have fun and go on adventures. I’m sure we will have an awesome time πŸ’•βœ¨πŸ‘Œ

I’m also feeling confused lately. I applied for some jobs via a Dutch website who helps people find a job abroad. I applied for a job in Athens, Barcelona and Lisbon. So, a few days ago a Dutch recruiter called me when I was in Spain. I was very anxious to receive this call because I hate calling. I definitely have phone anxiety. The call went very well. I liked the job in Lisbon the most because they would pay you the appartment there and help you with everything. You would live with your co-workers. With the other jobs you have to find your own appartment and do everything on your own.Β The call was just the recruiter that gave me general information about everything. She said that I had to complete some tests afterwards and that she would send me my cv to the Dutch recruiter in Lisbon. She also said that during the selection time I will have to send a certification of my degree. I’m glad she was very friendly and that the call went well. We talked for like 10 minutes. There were no awkward silences only just one time but then soon we talked again. Next week I will have a call with the Dutch recruiter in Lisbon. First she said that the call would be in English but then she said that it was a mistake and that it will be in Dutch. That’s much better. I also really don’t like to talk English when we can talk Dutch. That just feels strange to me. She also seem very nice and even send smilies in the emails.

We will discuss the online tests I made during that call. The first test was about answering some customer service emails. They want to know how I react with an angry customer or just someone who has a problem. I had to answer two emails in Dutch and one in English. The second test was a speed test. I had to write down what I was seeing but then my laptop crashed. I couldn’t make the test again. The third test was a Dutch grammer test which was sometimes even difficult hahaha πŸ˜‚ I’m so used to talk Spanish or English. The fourth test was a test about my knowledge of English. I wasn’t that bad I think. The last test was a test about computer knowledge. I think I also was pretty good at it haha. I hope I made them all well.

The thing what makes me confused is that I have never worked before or lived abroad in a place which isn’t my home such as Lisbon. The Netherlands and Spain are my two homes. I don’t know if it will be a good idea to move abroad while suffering from anxiety and being far away from my family and friends. I don’t know if I would cope well. Also, I don’t know if I see myself living with co-workers in one appartement. I love to live in my own home. I’ve never lived with people who I don’t know only with a family once in Spain. I love to have my own space and feel uncomfortable sharing a home with people I don’t know or can trust.

The thing which also keeps me thinking is that I searched the company Teleperformance on Glassdoor. I would be working for them for a Dutch project such as bol.com website at the Customer Service Sector. I saw so many negative reviews that I got very anxious. They said that it’s better not to work there because the environment is horrible, that you are treated like you are a number and robot and that they won’t treat you well. What more alarming was the fact that I read that the co-workers take marijuana and cocaine during work and also at the appartement. I also read that they are noisy. I don’t want to live with those kind of people. I wouldn’t feel comfortable and happy. They also said that the management and organisation of this company is very bad. With all of this said, I really don’t know if I should trust this company and work here if they hire me. I also read online that people can be really negative on the website Glassdoor and maybe not everything is true but it’s still negative information of the company.

Next week, I will get that call from the Dutch recruiter in Lisbon. She will discuss my cv, the tests I’ve made and also give me information about the company. Maybe, I have to say something about these negative reviews. I just don’t know if I should go for it if I get this job. I have never been good in making decisions. I think that still deep in my heart I have to keep searching for a job in Spain because that’s what I want the most. It also feels more safe for me. Even though I didn’t heard back from some jobs I just have to keep going and send my cv. It’s my dream to live and work in Spain so I gotta keep chasing this dream, right? 🌠✨

Thank you all so much for reading this blog post. I hope it wasn’t too messy πŸ˜‚ I just had so many thoughts and feelings to explain haha. Can you relate to my feelings? What would you do in my situation? Did you heard about the company Teleperformance and would you trust the negative reviews? What would be your advice for me? I would love to know your thoughts or opinion as it will help me so much. Thank you so much already for holding space for me πŸ™πŸ’•

I love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Poem: This is what anxiety looks like

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

This blog post will be about a picture and a poem written by myself. So I never shared such an emotional picture of me crying but I just felt the need to do it. I have never been this vulnerable. The picture where I’m smiling on the left was taken yesterday afternoon. The other picture on the right where I was crying was taken last night. I was crying last night and feeling like I couldn’t cope with life. I keep being so anxious about getting one of my wisdom teeth pulled out. I really have to face this fear. I’m also on my period and not feeling that well. I’m also keep thinking about that I don’t have a job because of feeing anxious. These two pictures are just taken within a few hours of difference. I will now write a little poem about these pictures.

This is what anxiety looks like

Suffering from anxiety is being anxious but still smiling.

Suffering from anxiety means crying.

Suffering from anxiety is feeling nauseous.

Suffering from anxiety is having constant worries.

Suffering from anxiety is overthinking all the time.

Suffering from anxiety is feeling dizzy.

Suffering from anxiety is being afraid to die during a panic attack.

Suffering from anxiety is being afraid to leave your home.

Suffering from anxiety is cancelling plans with your friends.

Suffering from anxiety is not knowing what is wrong.

Suffering from anxiety is constant living between escaping your fears or facing them and feeling anxious.

Suffering from anxiety is being tired of feeling anxious all the time.

Suffering from anxiety is a hell.

Suffering from anxiety is being afraid of searching for a job or going to school.

Suffering from anxiety is being afraid of doing daily things.

Suffering from anxiety means feeling your heart beating fast.

Suffering from anxiety is hard because it’s an invisible mental illness.

Suffering from anxiety is not something choose.

Suffering from anxiety is an illness which you have to fight every day with.

I just wanted to write this poem because it’s related to these pictures. Having anxiety or any other mental illness or invisible illness is hard because you don’t see the illness. Just because someone is smiling doesn’t mean they are happy. They can feel anxious or be depressed. You don’t know what someone is going through. I also hide my anxiety behind my smile. People always assume I’m happy and that’s draining me. I just smile and laugh a lot because it’s part of my personality.

Of course, I’m also happy at times but there are also times I’m not and I still smile because that’s part of who I’m. I just want to let you all know that it’s important to not judge someone by their looks. Ask them how they are really feeling and be there for that person. They need your support. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺπŸ’•

Thank you all for reading this blog post and poem. Could you relate to it? Do you also smile because it’s part of your personality? Did you like my poem? I would love to know your thoughts. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Reflection on 2018 & happy new year to you all! πŸŽ‰βœ¨πŸ’•πŸ’«

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Happy new year to you all! βœ¨πŸŽ‰ In this post I will talk about my 2018 and will show you how I celebrated New Year’s Eve. I’m glad I don’t have a cold amymore but just tonight I got my period so yeah that also sucks 😭 I’m glad I take medication for the cramps because otherwise I wouldn’t survive it. Besides, I’m also being anxious about my appointment of getting one of my wisdom teeth pulled out this week. I keep postponing the appointment. I know I have to do it but I’m so scared. H e l p. I also don’t want to do it in Holland. Here in Spain it’s much cheaper and the dentist understands my anxiety but I’m still so afraid and I just feel like I can’t cope. If anyone have some more tips to survive it I will be forever grateful πŸ™πŸ’• I can always take medication for anxiety if that’s enough to help me cope with it.

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We are already in 2019. A year has flown by. As usually I want to reflect on my year with this post and also write some important things for you all. Every year has its ups and downs. Every year consists of good things and bad things which happen to us. The most important thing is how we react to all these things. I know how hard it’s to stay positive in this sometimes dark world. I just keep believing that there are so many good things in the world and that there are indeed so many good people. You just have to find your tribe. I’m so glad I did.

I’m so happy with my blogging community, mental health community, Yoga Girl community and the goddess revolution community. I’m thankful that I joined these communities this year. They made me feel less alone and so much happier. If I’m in Holland I will maybe go to a meet up with some yoga girls. I also really wish that we will continue to all be friends and hopefully one day we will all meet ✨ I know the universe brought us all together for a reason which is to be connected with awesome people, share our struggles and feel supported.

I learned a lot this year. I learn every day from this world. This year I realized that there are truly lovely people who care about you and want you to be happy. I learned that it’s better to have a few good friends than a million of fake friends. The ones who love you will always be there for you no matter what. I learned that true love exists when I saw my brother getting married in August in Spain. I learned that this life is an adventure. Sometimes we win and sometimes we loose. We learn from every experience. I also learned that it’s okay if I’m not where I want to be in life. I still have a long way to go. I will find a career I love and will keep growing. It all takes time, pacience and trust in myself. I have to love myself, believe in myself and know that I can make my dreams come true such as working and living in Spain ✨

I also went to my first feminist strike in Valladolid, in Spain on International Women’s Day on the 8th of March with my mother. This was such an empowerful event. I never went to a demonstration before. I really wish 2019 will be the year that less women will be suffering from violence. I wish that women and men have the same human rights. Together we are starting a revolution. This is just the beginning. 2019 will be the year where women can be themselves, love themselves and love each other πŸ’•

This year I also learned that music is the best thing in life 🎢 I would be lost without music. I went to so many amazing concerts such as the OperaciΓ³n Triunfo 2017 concert in Madrid with my friend Maria πŸ’• OperaciΓ³n Triunfo makes me so happy and full of life. I also enjoyed the concert of Pablo Alboran, Chenoa, Hombres G and Celtas Cortos with my mother in Valladolid. I also enjoyed so much the concert of Sofia Ellar with my friend Maria. I can’t wait to see her again. It was so lovely to meet Sofia and get a picture with her. She’s the best and I can’t wait to see her singing again 😍

This year I began to read again a lot which I loved to do so much when I was younger. I will continue reading this new year. I also kept writing and being creative. I hope to create more amazing content on this blog. Writing is amazing. I travelled to Madrid, Granada, Santander and Somo. I discovered Somo which is a beautiful surfing village in the north of Spain. In 2019 I really want to go to a surf camp again πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠπŸŒž. I didn’t go surfing for more than two years. I miss it so much. It’s also so good for my mental health. The sea is my home and cleans my soul. The beach is my favourite place on this earth. I can’t wait to travel to more amazing places and meet more amazing people.

Somo, Santander (September 2018)

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Granada, Andalucia (July 2018)

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La RΓ‘bita, Mediterranean Sea, Granada (July 2018)

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Madrid (March 2018)

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Maybe for some of you this year was a hard year. Maybe some of you have lost someone close to you. Maybe you just didn’t felt okay and were struggling. I’m here for you. It’s okay to grief. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel sad. Feelings change and emotions change but it all takes time. Try to not be hard on yourself next year. Remember, I’ll will always be there for you πŸ’• I hope you will invest in self love and self care this new year because that’s the most important thing that matters. I also encourage you all to surround yourself with people who love you and who bring you only good vibes because you deserve that ✨.

I celebrated my New Year’s Eve in Valladolid, in Spain. I decided to not go out with my friends. I also didn’t go out last year. I used to party every year but I don’t feel in the mood anymore. I have to do what feels good to me. I went to the hairdressers in the afternoon to cut the dead ends, my bangs and they made curls in my hair. I love to look good for myself. I dressed up at home and did my make up. My mother and I went to the house of the mother of the wife of my brother. We celebrated all together New Year’s Eve: Rafael, my mother, VΓ©ronica, VΓ©ronica’s mother and her brother. We enjoyed eating delicious Spanish food.

We ate cheese, jamon serrano, chorizo, bread and chicken. I didn’t eat the fish because I don’t like fish so much haha πŸ˜‚ At 12 o’clock we watched the television and ate the 12 grapes. We also had champagne πŸ₯‚. It’s a tradition in Spain to eat the 12 grapes. They say it brings luck. We watched television where we were hearing beautiful music and we played Spanish card games. I really loved it so much. I love playing games with my family. At 3.30 am my mother and I went home and we stayed in watching some television. We went to bed at 6 am pretty late but doesn’t matter because it’s a special night. I’m glad I didn’t go out because as soon as we were home I got my period haha. On New Year’s Day we just stayed in and chilled. I saw the movie Grease. I just love that movie & the music so much 😍 I also saw the movie Paper Towns which I love so much from John Green. I already saw this movie with my best friend one day and loved it.

l wish you all an amazing new year full of love, happiness and luck πŸ€βœ¨βœŒοΈ Stay strong & stay safe. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ I love you all so so so much ❀️. Thank you all for reading. How was your New Year’s Eve? Did you stay at home or did you went to a party? Which are your goals or dreams to achieve in 2019? I would love to know. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

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Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I wish I was normal

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

This blog post will be just a rambling of thoughts about how I wish to be normal while living with an anxiety disorder. I will share my thoughts and feelings about this. I just need to vent because it always makes my mind feel less heavy. Only on this blog and on my instagram page Sea of words blog I can be myself. I feel I can be 100% real, honest and vulnerable on here. This is my safe space. So thank you all so much for holding space for me to be myself without any filters. This is me with all my messy thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes I wish I was normal. I wish I wasn’t a person who lives with an anxiety disorder. I wish I wasn’t crazy. Maybe, I’m not a crazy person but my anxiety tells me that I’m crazy for constantly worrying about everything in life. Constantly feeling like something bad will happen. Those thoughts makes me overthink and prefer to stay at home then to face people and feel uncomfortable. That’s how I feel most of the time. I wish I was normal to do the every day things in life without feeling constantly anxious or feeling uncapable of doing it. I wish I could live a normal life like normal people do. That’s my wish.

I wish I wasn’t that girl who is so afraid of the dentist, searching for a job and knowing what I want in life. I wish I wasn’t afraid of the unknown, of changes and of people. I wish I wasn’t afraid of looking people in the eyes. I wish I wasn’t that girl who’s afraid of her own shadow. Life is hard but for people with a mental illness it’s even harder. It’s just the truth. Everyone will struggle in their lives but having a mental illness makes everything 100000 times worse. It’s a constant battle with your mind every day. Fighting a war which is inside your head is so exhausting. Everything feels so difficult and heavy. The worst part is that there are still so many people who don’t take these illnesses serious. Even though a mental illness is invisible doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

I wish I could just live a normal life, not being afraid of taking a job, having my life together and maybe have a relationship again. It’s already been almost 6 years since my first love left me. I’ve been feeling so alone all these time. With time it gets better but I still feel pretty lonely. I wish I was normal. Normal people go to school, have jobs and have their life together not like me who is sleeping much or thinking their time away. Normal people have fun and don’t care about what other people think of them. I have all the time negative thoughts of myself like people will laugh about me and judge me. Normal people don’t have such a loud inner critic who tells them all the time how they aren’t worth it and how they aren’t enough.

Normal people aren’t crazy in their mind like me. Who wants to be with someone who’s anxious all the time? Who wants to be with someone who always think of the worst thing? Who wants to be with someone who’s always overthinking? Normal people don’t overthink 24/7 all the time. Normal people go on with their lives when something bad happens even though they can be sad. I’m a highly sensitive person and when something bad happens to me it takes me such a long time to heal from it and go on with life. I can’t just go on with life and pretend nothing has happened. I just can’t. If you take away my sensitivity I wouldn’t be me so that makes me who I’m. I’m still learning to live with it and embrace this. Even though I may suffer more in life I also experience life in a beautiful way. I feel everything so deeply and life is all about feeling your feelings, right?

Having an anxiety disorder doesn’t make me who I’m. I have an anxiety disorder but I’m not anxiety. It isn’t part of my personality even though sometimes I think it’s. It’s an illness. Maybe I’m not that crazy as I think I’m. Maybe, normal people don’t exist and we all are crazy but don’t say it out loud. We all have to go through struggles day by day. Life is beautiful but also so hard for everyone. The best way I can be is to be myself. It’s not that I want to have an anxiety disorder. I didn’t choose for it. I got sick like someone who gets the flu or someone who has cancer.

What’s being normal? If everyone acts in a correct way life would be pretty borring. The people who are standing out from the crowd are mostly the ones who are the most beautiful, amazing and honest people ever. We need authentic people who are brave enough to share their stories, struggles, thoughts and feelings. We are here to feel it all. I wish to also be able to learn to live with my anxiety and be able to cope better in life. I hope I will get better but recovery takes time. My medication as in antidepressants and anti anxiety medication helps me but maybe I have to also try therapy even though it makes me feel anxious too.

I will be my beautiful self even though it might means that I feel different than other people because hey that’s okay. Life is strange too. We are born out of the blue put into this blue planet 🌍 where the sun circles around us 🌞. That’s pure magic. We are the stars from the universe 🌠. We are made out of magic and magic doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be real. Being a mess is okay. I will be that star that shines in the dark times and be there for you all. Let’s be crazy together because life is way too short to be just like a normal person.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all liked this little rambling/story. Could you relate to it? Did you like it? Do you also wish to be like a normal person or do you prefer to be an awesome crazy person? Let me know in the comments. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ❀,

xoxo Christina

I’m fed up of people telling me how to live my life

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today is again a day to write about my feelings and thoughts. I will write about how I feel that I can’t live my life because of my parents controlling my life. I just cried so much. I’m back in The Netherlands since almost two weeks. When I’m alone with my mother everything is fine but now we are back in The Netherlands I knew my father would make me again push me to get a job. Here I’m again feeling like there are people controlling my life which increase my anxiety and makes me feel like I can’t follow my dreams because they don’t let me.

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My mother is also always talking about how I have to search for a job etc. I’m searching, I really am but everything about searching for a job just gives me so much anxiety. I think they don’t understand it at all. Only the people who are going through this know how much a struggle all of this is and especially having an anxiety disorder makes it all even more complicated and difficult. I’m counting the days down when I will go to Spain again with my mother on the 27th of December. Even though my father booked a flight back in January I don’t want to go back to Holland. I want to live and work in Spain. That’s my dream. It feels like he don’t let me. All my life I’ve done what others expect me to do and I’m so done of that. It still feels like I can’t speak up because I know how he will act and that he would get angry. I’m afraid of speaking up. I always stay quiet and accept everything when it isn’t good for me at all. Two years ago I spoke about this subject with a mental health worker where I went for some therapy sessions and she said that I get so much influence of my family. I need to stop it and it’s just so true.

I love my family but I have to live this life my own way. It’s my life. I’m 25 years old. Yesterday my father already said that he had seen a job for me in Amsterdam of Hema. That’s a nice Dutch brand. That job was for native Spanish and Dutch speakers and was about helping in the customer service section. You would gain at least €1000 each month. Okay, it sounds nice but I’ve to decide if I want to do that job not my father. I just want to search and apply for jobs on my own like I’ve done these months. I got so many calls from a company from Portugal which I never pick up because I’m afraid but maybe I have to pick it up. Maybe, I have to start a life somewhere else. Today my father saw another vacancy which was about working in the international office of the University of Amsterdam. They could pay you like €2000 each month. Yeah, it sounds nice and the working tasks were all the tasks I did on my internship in Valladolid, in Spain last year. Just an hour ago, my father said okay you can make a cv and tomorrow you are going to apply. Just like that. I said yes. I already have my cv but fuck off I don’t want to apply just because he force and push me to apply for this job. I’m now looking into websites which has Dutch companies in Spain. I want to search for a job on my own because I want to not just because my father wants me to do that job. He even said that he would come to my interview. Then maybe I would say a lie like that they didn’t hire me.

I just want that they can all leave my alone. It gives me this feeling of wanting to give up in life because I can’t live my life my way. I always have to do what people except me to do in order to please them all and to never get anyone angry at me. I feel like I can not always do something for myself in my life and that really frustrates me. I also did some things for myself but I feel again that isn’t enough. I went on exchange to Spain because I wanted to. I did my intership last year in Spain because I wanted to. I remember how my father wasn’t positive about applying for the essay contest to get a free trip to New York City and speak at the United Nations. He thought I wouldn’t win and it was in the middle of my studies. I had to focus on my studies and blablabla. Well, I applied two years and I won the second year. So, fuck yeah I’m so proud of myself that I applied and didn’t listen to other people voices πŸ’ͺ. When I won he was happy and proud of me but that’s a bit too late in my eyes. You have to support me from the beginning. My mother always support me and was positive and said that I had a chance to win. I just can’t deal with negative and toxic people.

This weekend I cried so much and I felt so bad 😒. I was also beginning to think like really negative thoughts as that I just want to die and that I’m a failure. I was throwing pillows and was so angry alone in my room. I wanted to hurt myself and escape the pain. I never did self harm and I also won’t do it. I was feeling that I’m not in control with my body and mind. This situation makes me so anxious. I was at a point that I almost got a panic attack as I was breathing fast, crying and my heart was beating also too fast. I’m fed up of feeling this way and living at home. I’m afraid of living on my own and need to work to have money to be able to effort that one day. I just want to do what feels good for me.

I love my family, I really do but making all these dicisions for me isn’t helping me at all. My mother also said it’s for your best. Well, maybe what you think is for my best isn’t for me the best. I’m my own person. I’m not the person you want me to be. Parents sometimes think they can make the perfect daughter or son. I’m so against that. Just let your child be the person they want to be, free of judgment and just be themselves. I’ve always felt supported in life but also in someway not because I’ve always felt afraid of my father character to be angry at me for doing the wrong things or saying the wrong things. I always keep quiet and say yes to everything. I only saw my best friend last Sunday and some of my family and friends from my brother on the wedding party last Saturday in Haarlem. I also saw some people of my choir on the cremation of Lisa last Wednesday. For the rest, I’m only with my parents and it isn’t helping me at all. I need to be with people of my age who understand me and know what I’m going through just like you all.

You know me even better than people who know me in my real life. You know my ugly parts which I don’t show in real life. You know when I struggle and when I feel happy. You know when I feel vulnerable and need to share my thoughts and feelings to feel lighter in my mind. You know how anxiety makes me feel. You know how hard life can be living with a mental illness. You know my flaws and accept me for who I’m. I appreciate that so much. It’s really so special to find such good and understanding people nowadays. Many people live for their own. They seem to not care about others. I’m so happy I found my mental health community and my blogging community who will always be there for me. It really helps me a lot and makes me feel less alone in my struggles. I just wish to meet you all one day 🌍✈.

Tomorrow my father will make me apply for that job even though I don’t know if I want to do that. The money and job description isn’t that bad but on paper I read you have to work there one year. Maybe, you can quit earlier I don’t know. I don’t want to work here in Holland. I want to go to Spain. I also don’t want to apply just because someone force me to apply. It increase my anxiety and I feel again not good. I just don’t know what to do… I feel hopeless that I’m always struggling with this job vs family issue. Maybe, I’m going to see one of my good friends this week which I can always tell about everything and makes me feel less alone with this issue. There are more people struggling with this. It feels good to share your struggles with good friends and also talk about solutions.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope I didn’t sound like I wanted to complain and kept repeating myself. I just feel like this issue keeps repeating itselves and it doesn’t make me feel good. What would you do in my situation? Can you relate to not being able to live your life because other people want to control your life? I hope some of you may have some tips in dealing with this as it will help me a lot. Thank you all so much in advance πŸ™πŸ’•

Much love ❀,

xoxo Christina