Right in this moment all is well

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I want to talk about what I have expierencing these last days together with some realizations I have got. It’s about sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with you as I have always done and always will do until the day I die. I hope this post will not turn into a depressive post but just so you know it before I begin to talk.

Last Friday I began to read the book of Yoga Girl called “To love and let go”. I will not tell you a lot about it because I really want to do one post about it when I have finished it. It just deserves a post on its own. It’s the most spiritual, healing and just best book I haver ever read πŸ’—βœ¨. It feels like my Bible πŸ“–. I’m at page 74 and it has more than 300 pages so I’m happy there is still so much more to read. I have always said that The fault in our stars is my favourite book but this book is a memoir, based on a real life story and I feel like this is my next favourite book. Yoga Girl also called Rachel Brathen is an international yoga teacher with her own yoga studio called Island Yoga in Aruba. She lives there with her hushband and daughter. Her story is about loss, love and gratitude. She lost her best friend in a car accident and right in that moment she had to go through surgery for her appendix in Bonaire. It’s a heart breaking story πŸ’”πŸ˜’.

Every chapter is amazing, just so beautiful, just out of the world 😍. In one chapter she is writing about how in this exact moment all is well and that anxiety and fear dissapears when we think of the present. There’s this book called “The power of now” which also talks about this. I want to read it one day. I think about this a lot as I have been sleeping so bad these last nights. I thought maybe it’s because of reading this book as it’s so beautiful but also heavy. I think way too much and then get anxious of having so many thoughts in my mind 😒. I wish I could turn them all off and be like it’s enough now and stop it. Anxiety doesn’t work that way. It’s so hard to be present when your mind is constantly in war with you. I also think social media plays a role in this too so these last days I have been using it less. I like it but it also increase my anxiety and makes me feel bad about myself. Blogging and being in communities is so much better. I can’t deal with fake people anymore. I want real connections where I can talk about real life stuff such as deep conversations about death, the universe, our dreams and struggles. Social media feels so fake. I want to learn new things and get inspired instead of getting impressed of people with their fake happiness in life.

Also I think a lot about life and death lately. I have always thought about it and now I think even more about it. I already wrote about my fear of death in this post. I have always been afraid of death ☠️ but also of life because my whole life I live out of fear instead of love. That’s my problem. Sometimes I’m afraid to sleep because of not waking up the next morning. Then I get panic at night and keep waking up. I just fear that everything will stop one day, that everyone I love will die one day and that all of this will stop existing one day. It’s a scary thought 😒. I fear dying but what I fear most is just the thought of being death. I hope I’m not sounding strange but when I shared it in the community of Yoga Girl on Facebook I was happy that I wasn’t alone in this. There are more people afraid of this. It makes me feel good that I’m not the only one thinking about this.

I talk about this with some of my friends or my parents. My daddy said why would you worry about it when you are death because you wouldn’t know it and he also said that before we were born we were also not here. Life is strange. I agree with him but it just still feels strange. I’m just always thinking about the past which includes being bullied, having my heart broken and all the negative stuff and then when that’s done I began to worry and think about the future and so I’m constant in fear and anxiety anticipating the worst things in life. I know we all will die one day and that death is part of life. I just have to find a way in living a life where I can be happy and at peace with my mind. I hope that we can all find that one day as we deserve it ✨

That’s also the reason why I don’t know if I will ever try therapy because I don’t know if it would help me as I have to move on from the past. I know I have to let it all out but I also have to let it go and not dwell in the past which only increase my anxiety. I also want to take yoga lessons πŸ§˜β€β™€οΈ in a class one day. From reading this book I’m learning that right now all is well. I do meditation sometimes with Yoga Girl’s podcasts which is amazing. I’m getting better with it than before. Sometimes I cry while meditating as I’m releasing my emotions. Children are always living in the present moment. I’m thinking about when we as adults stopped doing that. When did that happen? It’s sad because then everything makes sense. It’s normal to feel anxious when we are constantly thinking about the past or future. If we would think more often of the present, right now, how would we feel? I definitely would feel more at peace and less anxious. All is well. That’s going to be my mantra from now on. I know it’s difficult because anxiety often gets in the way but at least I can try.

Today was a good day too because I slept well last night and it was great weather. The sun was even shining a bit 🌞. I got beautiful pen pal mail and Christmas presents from my friends in UK. Selena Gomez and Duncan Laurence released a new song which I loved 🎢. I still didn’t get my period which for one reason is good but I also don’t want to get it when I’m travelling to Spain next week. I had also fun meeting up with my best friend and had a delicious lunch together in Haarlem πŸ˜πŸ˜‹. We also went stationery shopping which is just the best. You will see what I bought in another post. I also saw her family later which I loved because they are basically my second family haha. Her father always says I’m his adopted daughter.

When I came back home I was walking to my home from the bus stop. I was listening to the birds and saw the Autumn leaves πŸ‚πŸπŸƒ on the street. I saw the beautiful green trees. I could smell the Fall. I felt some wind on my face and right in that moment, I felt part of this universe. All is well I thought. Everything is exactly the way it’s because it’s suppose to be this way. I will find my way in life. The universe will always have my back. I’m so blessed so blessed to be alive right now. Thank you life for all the good and bad. I have tears in my eyes right now while writing this. I mean it. I really do. This life is so fragile. We really have to be thankful for all of it πŸ™βœ¨πŸ’—

“If I could stay in the moment and just be, I’d always come back to the same conclusion: all is well. Every time my mind took control, I challenged myself to not get pulled into panic mode.”

– To love and let go by Rachel Brathen

Thank you all for reading this post. I hope you understand what I just shared with you all. Do you also live more in the future than in the present moment? How does it make you feel? Do you also think a lot about life and death? Let me know lovelies. I’m always here for you πŸ’–. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina

December goals πŸŽ„πŸŽπŸŽ‰πŸŽ…

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

Yeahhhh it’s December, one of my favourite months in the year πŸŽ‰. I love holiday season. I just love Sinterklaas, Christmas and New Year’s eve so much. It’s all about love, light and happiness. It feels good to spend it with family and friends, just the ones you love. I really liked to write the post of my November goals so today I will write about my December goals. I would be really happy if I stick to these kind of blog posts every month. It’s fun to do and also keeps me motivated to achieve all of my goals. I achieved almost every goal last month so I’m really proud of myself. The goals for December will be related to Christmas, self care, Spain and more.

  • Finishing writing Christmas cards and sending them or giving them

I already wrote 28 Christmas cards from the 31 Christmas cards which is a lot. Every year I write less because I also love to receive Christmas cards πŸ’Œ. I’m doing a great job in writing something personal, decorating them with stickers and washi tape. I love stationery stuff so much. I still have to write 3 Christmas cards and then I’m done. I have to send some cards by post and some I can just give to my friends and family. I really love to exchange Christmas cards so much. It makes me really happy to know that someone made an effort to write me something personal and I also love handwritten cards so much.

  • Celebrating Sinterklaas with my family

On the first of December we are going to celebrate Sinterklaas. This is a typical feast in The Netherlands. It’s really fun to give and receive presents. We are going to celebrate it with my two brothers, my niece and their wifes and my parents in the south of Holland: Brabant. It’s like two hours by car. I really love car rides haha adventure time. I’m just going to listen to music and enjoy life. I also can’t wait to receive presents 🎁 haha I’m not that materalistic but I love to get presents that mean something for me and are personal. Maybe I will write a Sinterklaas haul after the celebration.

  • Posting Christmas content on my blog

I want to post a Christmas carol sang by me this Christmas. I also always want to post something special for Christmas, how my Christmas was and let you guys see my Christmas decorations at home. My mother always makes home so beautiful and I love the big Christmas tree. Some friends of mine even said that my home looks like a home in America all decorated hahah πŸŽ„πŸ˜‚. I also always post a special post for New Year.

  • Celebrating Christmas with my family

Every year I celebrate Christmas with my family at home. We are 8 people, my two brothers, niece, their wifes and my parents. It’s really cozy at our home and also with all the Christmas decorations I really feel the Christmas spirit. I also sometimes go to the church at night. I used to sang in that choir. I also sometimes watch “All you need is love” which is a Dutch programme on tv which brings long distance couples and families together for Christmas. It’s so beautiful and emotional to see. I always have to cry a lot. I’m also wearing my special Christmas dress which you will see on my pictures.

  • Packing my suitcase for Spain

I will have to pack my suitcase before the 27th of December to go to Spain. I really can’t wait to go to Spain. I also really wish that before I go I hear back from a job I applied in Spain which is working in El Corte Ingles, a famous Spanish shop. I just want to live in Spain. I can’t wait to see my Spanish friends again. I also really missed the delicious tapas and the sunshine. I can’t stand that the there’s no sunshine these days. In Spain it’s also cold but the sun is there so it makes winter a bit better. I need vitamine D! 🌞

  • Keep applying for jobs

I already said that in my November goals 🍁 blog post that I have to apply for jobs. I did apply for some jobs in Spain. I also applied to work in a famous shop in Spain called El Corte InglΓ©s but I still didn’t heard back. A few days ago at night I was crying because I feel like I really do much effort in writing a cv and motivation letters and I keep hearing nothing back. I don’t know what I have to change in order to get a job. It still makes me anxious and all….

  • Going to the Christmas market in Haarlem with my bff and family

Every year there’s a Christmas market in different cities in The Netherlands. It’s like the Christmas markets you see in Germany. It’s really beautiful. You can buy handmade cards, stationery stuff or products for home. You can buy just so many nice stuff. You can also drink a delicious gluhwein and eat delicious food. I always like to drink soup which keeps me warm. Next weekend is the Christmas market in Haarlem. I’m going with my best friend and also with my family one day. I will take pictures and share them. I also love the Christmas music which they are playing.

  • Beginning to read the book “Your bullsh*t free guide to live with anxiety” from Caroline Foran

I would love to keep reading amazing books as this book. This book will help me with coping with anxiety. I heard it’s a great book so I’m very excited to begin to read it. When I’m finished with this book I will maybe make a book review of it.

  • Having a better sleep schedule

I think this is one of the most important goals which I always seem to not achieve hahah omg πŸ˜‚. If I would have a job or study I would have a routine. Now I’m sleeping at 4 am and waking up at 1 pm…. xD That’s my life. I really need to sleep earlier and wake up a bit earlier but I seem to not get my life together. Hopefully, I can change this a bit. It’s also important for my health. I know I will never be a morning person but I really do hope to change my sleep routine πŸ’€

  • Use bath bomb of Lush

I need to have a bath in December πŸ›€ because I only had a bath once since I’m in The Netherlands. I just always shower because it’s faster. In Spain we don’t have a bath so I need to enjoy it and use it more here. My mother bought me in October an amazing bath bomb of Lush which I really need to try. She bought me the Avobath which contains avocado oil and lemongrass. It really smells so well. It really would make me feel so good. Self care is so important πŸ’•. Alaways take time for yourself. You deserve to do things that makes you feel good about yourself.

  • Celebrating New Year’s Eve with my friends in Spain

I always go out on New Year’s eve after eating the 12 grapes at 00.00 which is a typical tradition and Spain. It brings luck haha I need that. Last year I didn’t go out for the first time since years because I just didn’t want to go out πŸŽ‰. I think it’s also okay to stay at home. Do what you like. I also don’t drink because of taking antidepressants and I just don’t feel like drinking.

This year I will go and will go the hairdresser to do curls in my hair and maybe buy a new dress for that night. If I get tired or I want to leave before 6 am then it’s okay. I will just enjoy it. I always liked fiestas but lately I feel more anxious surrounded by much people and just don’t like all the parties so much. I feel more at home during a concert because the people are there to just enjoy the music. I don’t like when at a party a boy is touching me without my consent and staring at me. I just feel very uncomfortable then. I love to dance with my friends and have fun 🎢. It’s just the environment that isn’t my place.

These were all my goals for December. I hope you enjoyed reading it. Can you relate to this list? What are your December goals? Let me know in the comments. I hope we will all achieve these goals this month. I wish you all good luck πŸ€πŸ€ž

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina