Duncan Laurence from The Netherlands won Eurovision Song Contest 2019 with the song Arcade!!! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’•๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽถ๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ฑ๐ŸŽ™๏ธ

OMGGGG HI LOVELIES ๐Ÿ’•,

I’m so excited. I just can’t hide it. I’m about to loose control and I think I like it hahah ๐Ÿ˜‚๐ŸŽถ. I just needed to write this blog post because I feel so emotional and so excited since Saturday night. I felt it already these months when I heard the song Arcade. This blog post will about how I experienced one of the best nights in my life which I will never ever forget. I will write about the victory of The Netherlands winning Eurovision Song Contest 2019 after 44 years. I will also share more about who Duncan is as a person and artist.

I’m such a eurofan and I’ve always been. I love Eurovision Song Contest so much. It’s my favourite music event of the year. I’m always looking forward to it. I’m always most looking forward to the songs of The Netherlands and Spain. I also love to hear the songs of other countries. I’m into pop, indie, latin music, some house music, classic and choir music which I used to sing in my choir and I just love music so much. It makes me the happiest person on earth ๐ŸŒŽ๐Ÿ˜. Going to a concert and seeing your favourite artist live is just the best thing ever. Meeting them in person and talking with them is even better. Getting a picture with them is just the best too.

I get inspired by many artists and what I find the most important thing of an artist is that they are authentic, stay true to themselves and can be vulnerable. So, the first time I heard that Duncan Laurence was going to represent The Netherlands this year I was like who?! Who is that? Normally popular and famous artists of The Netherlands go to Eurovision. Last year Waylon went and in 2014 The Common Linnets went which were Ilse DeLange together with Waylon. They song a beautiful song which ended at the second place. The song was a lovely country song called “Calm after the storm.”

The Common Linnets – Calm after the storm (Eurovision Song Contest 2014)

So first in January they said that Duncan Laurence was going to represent The Netherlands. I saw some videos of him singing in The Voice of Holland on Youtube and was already impressed by his beautiful voice. He reached the semi-finals. He had as coach Ilse DeLange.

Duncan Laurence – Sing (The blind auditions of The Voice of Holland of 2014)

Then I also listened to the video below which is especially made as an assignment for the Rock Academy. After singing in the Voice of Holland he went to the Rock Pop Academy in Tilburg. He made his own version of the song “Stolen Dance” by Milky Chance. It’s one of my favourite songs and hearing it with Duncan’s voice gave me goosebumps and makes me cry every time ๐Ÿ˜ญ. His voice is so pure and so beautiful. I could listen all day and all night to it ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŽถ

Another video I found on Youtube of a song he wrote called “Come back Home”

He is such an amazing singer-songwriter. I’m really so impressed. He went through a hard time during his school years because he got bullied. He got bullied because of being different. He wore braces, had glasses and a different body size. He found his passion of music through this experience. He could be himself when he was making music at home and also in the Rock Pop Academy in Tilburg. Music was his safe place where he could be his self. He also told in some interviews how he was covered in his insecurities. He was afraid to be open and vulnerable.

Writing his song Arcade in The Rock Pop Academy in Tilburg

He also said that it is important to not build a wall. It reminds myself of my own experience with bullying. I build a wall and I still haven’t break it fully like it still influences me as a person when someone is rude to me. I think often when I hear a stranger laughing that it’s about me. I still have to break this wall just like Duncan did. The most beautiful words of him during an interview in Tel Aviv in Israel where these ones:

“Don’t build a wall. Don’t focus on the ones who don’t like you, stick to the ones who like you and love you and inpire you. I tried to change myself and focused too much on the ones who didn’t like me.”

I so agree with what he said because it’s just so true. Whenever I’m with my family or good friends I feel happy because they love me for who I’m and accept me. Those are the people who you need in life and not the toxic ones. Being bullied isn’t our fault. Most of the time the bullies are insecure themselves. I wrote about my experience of bullying in this blog post. He also said that with his music he wants to be the voice for those who have a soul which is damaged by others. He is going to tell their stories and let us see that we aren’t alone. He such a bubbly, beautiful and humble pereson that I tear up ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ญ

Ilse DeLange was his coach in The Voice of Holland and always had contact with Duncan after he participated in this talentshow. Two years ago he was writing the song “Arcade”. He put that song together with other songs in a Dropbox file. Ilse heard this song and was impressed. A few months ago before Eurovision began she called him on a Sunday morning and asked him if he wanted to represent The Netherlands this year. The whole delegation of The Netherlands was impressed by this song. Of course he said YEAHHHH and then the adventure began. I don’t want to repeat myself because I already told a lot about this song in other posts like in this post. There I sang my own cover of Arcade ๐ŸŽถ.

โ€œโ€˜Arcadeโ€™ is about a lost love. And hoping for that love to return. But it doesnโ€™t. All the emotion, rawness, bitterness, angriness or happiness or hope that comes within that. Thatโ€™s what I tried to capture in โ€˜Arcadeโ€™. It is indeed a story about myself, about a love that I once lost when I was younger.โ€

Duncan lost someone very special in his life. This woman only turned 40 years old. She was hoping that her love came back but he didn’t. She stayed in love with her loved one until she died. Duncan wrote this song about that story. The song, lyrics, melody everything describes these real feelings and emotions. It’s so honest and vulnerable just WOW. He is naked in the clip and you can see his butt haha which is very beautiful indeed.

Duncan Laurence – Arcade (Official Music Video for Eurovision Song Contest 2019 in Israel)

โ€œWe tried to capture the vulnerability of a human being. The most vulnerable you can be is naked. Being completely nude leaves you all vulnerable in that massive water world, with the surface representing the hope and everything you long for. The struggle, the fight that comes with it to get there. That is what we try to capture.โ€

Since I listened to this I have had winner vibes. I knew this song could win because it’s the best song I’ve heard. I get so emotional and have goosebumps all the time I listen to this song. I’m even thinking now to get a tattoo with something of the lyrics of this song. My favourite sentence is: “Loving you is a loosing game.” I’m afraid of needles so don’t know if I will get a tattoo but this just sticks in my head. Since he released his song he was number one in the bookmakers and that didn’t change.

I watched everything from Eurovision such as all his interviews which were so nice to see. I watched the first semi-final of Eurovision last week even though he didn’t had to sing. He was singing in the second femi-final which was last thursday on the 16th of May. It was incredible and I had to cry so much. My father only watched that song with me because he doesn’t like Eurovision. I always watch it with my mother. Of course he passed through the finals which was last Saturday the 18th of May. I was so happy when they said The Netherlands as second name to pass. Normally they say it almost at the end.

Duncan performing his song Arcade during the second semi-final of Eurovision Song Contest 2019
Singing Arcade during the second semi-final

He sings Arcade every time so beautiful and every time it’s different. I like that so much because you can feel the emotion. He really feels it at that moment and sings it from his heart. During the final he had to sing at the 12th place and it was even better and more beautiful than in the semi-finals. It’s just incredible how good and beautiful he sings. I feel his emotion all the time when he sings it ๐Ÿ’•. We all feel it. We can all relate to this story.

THE FINAL PERFORMANCE!!!!
The Netherlands – Live performance of Arcade from Duncan Laurence

I was so nervous and anxious this whole week too and couldn’t sleep well. It even felt like I had to sing hahah instead of Duncan who always stayed calm. I was just so excited of thinking that he could win ๐Ÿ˜‚. During the jury votes I was getting so nervous. I was happy when we got 12 points from Portugal, Sweden, France, Israel, Lithuania and Latvia. Thank you so much! Sweden won the jury votes but everyting could change during the televotes. They begin with the last country and told every country how much televotes it got. The Netherlands got 261 which made them first. I was already so excited but there was only one country left to tell them their points which was Sweden. If they got more points than The Netherlands they would have won. Duncan was so nervous and me too. We all were. At the end they said 93 points for Sweden.

THE NETHERLANDS WON YEAHHH!!!

I began to scream and cry so hard. This was definitely one of the best nights in my life. I couldn’t sleep well that night. I had also stomach cramps but I already have them these months so it’s not only because of Eurovision I guess. My father was sleeping so I didn’t scream that hard hahah ๐Ÿ˜‚. He doesn’t understand all my emotion and happiness around it. It’s just incredible that an unkown artist won with such a beautiful song. I’m also a highly sensitive person so everything makes me feel so much. I feel every emotion deep. My country, The Netherlands won after 44 years! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ฑ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ™๏ธ I still can’t believe we are going to organise Eurovision next year. My dream is seeing it live so I hope I can get tickets. My dream was also to see The Netherlands or Spain win so I’m so happy and so proud! ๐Ÿ’ช

His winner’s performance was so emotional too. Hearing the crowd singing the song is just the best feeling ever. He also was looking up to the sky because he sings this song to the one he lost.

Duncan wrote history. Everyone knows him now. His song is number one in many iTunes charts. I will never get tired of this beautiful song or of him. I love him so much ๐Ÿ’—. I’m so grateful to have a new artist in my life who I admire so much. He is already writing more songs so I can’t wait to hear them. I also would love to see him live. All his concerts are sold out now. His voice makes me crack my soul open and make me feel so many feelings. I have to admit that this song also reminds me of my break up with my first love ๐Ÿ’” I kept hoping after I lost him that he would come back but until today he didn’t. Maybe that’s why I get so emotional with this song. I can still feel how my heart broke but I also feel the hope in this song. There will be new people to love and experiences to live.

Duncan kissing the trophy of Eurovision. He really deserved to win!
“This is for dreaming big, this is to music first, always!” – Duncan Laurence

Thank you Duncan for being real and from growing from a wallflower to a beautiful artist who stand for things. He is bisexual and open about it. He told about his bullying experience. He is honest. He is vulnerable. I’m so thankful that you are real in this sometimes fake and dark world. Thank for coming in our lives. You give me hope in my life to reach my dreams ๐ŸŒ โœจ. Thank you for making us happy and feel inspired. You are one of my fav artists now. I will never stop loving you ๐ŸŽถ. Loving you is a winning game! ๐Ÿ˜โœจ i love u forever cutieeee ๐Ÿ’—

In Tel Aviv, Israel. He such a cutie just look at him. I get so angry that kids bullied him because he is such a beatiful person inside & out.
Duncan singing live an acoustic version of Arcade on De Wereld Draait Door before he went to Israel

Life wouldn’t be the same without music. It makes us feel things, we feel less alone and it will never leave us. I will also keep singing as I love to sing. I don’t know if being famous is something for me but joining a choir again or having singing classes would be amazing. I would love to learn guitar or piano too one day. I miss that so much to be honest ๐Ÿ˜ญ. With singing I can release emotions and it makes me so happy ๐Ÿ˜

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you find this post as inspiring as I found it to write it. What do you think of the song Arcade and the story behind it? Did you watch Eurovision? Do you also tear up with beautiful songs? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

How can we prevent bullying at schools?

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Thank you all for the endless support on my last blog posts and also on my instagram Sea of words blog. I’m so thankful to have this mental health and blogging community. I recently also joined the yoga community of Yoga Girl. She’s a big inspiration in my life. I’m blown away by the fact that there are so many supportive and good people out there in the world. You just have to find the right ones โค. Today’s blog post will be about how I got bullied through high school and which ways I think are important in order to prevent bullying at schools. I already shared my bullying story in January in this blog post: How being bullied in high school caused me anxiety. I would like to add some new things in this blog post.

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Trigger warning for this post โ—

October is not only the month of Halloween, Autumn, falling leaves and sweater weather. October is also the month of something really important. October is national bullying prevention/awareness month so I thought it would be important to write about this subject again. I’ve been bullied for so many years during high school and also some years before high school. Bullying is a real trauma. So many kids, teenagers and also adults suffer from this. It can happen anywhere like at schools, on the workplace etc. and everywhere on the world. The things I wrote on this picture below were some of the things the bullies said to me. I don’t want to make someone feel pity for me. I just want to let people know the truth about bullying and how much those words hurt.

Words can kill you like a knife. Words make you believe you are worthless. Words make you believe you aren’t good enough and that it would be better if you didn’t exist. Words can kill people. The bullies said a lot of other things to me than only the words you can see on the picture. The bullies also did a lot of more stuff such as pushing me in the halls of the high school, coming with groups to my locker and intimidate and laugh about me. I still find it hard to let all those things go.

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Words are so easy said. Forgetting the ugly words they’ve said to you is a lot harder. I’m still learning in letting them all go. I remember that in high school I liked the band Tokio Hotel and wore these big hippie purple jeans which you can see on the picture. I got them from the ex girlfriend of my brother. I wore those jeans to school. They were all laughing at me and were calling me a gothic. I wasn’t gothic. I just liked to wear those clothes. I also wore a lot of clothes with skeletons just because I liked it. I wouldn’t wear that right now because right now my fashion style has changed. I think it’s just important to be yourself and wear what you like and not what others may like. You will never be beautiful or enough for others. You have to feel good in your own skin.

There was also another time during my teenage years that I wore clothes and stuff from The Power Puff Girls. This was and still is my favourite show ever. I love that show so much. It holds so many great childhood memories. I still have lots of products as books, parfum and everything from them at home. Again the bullies were laughing about me and called me that I was way too childish for wearing a dress from The Power Puff Girls. I remember that I was so happy to wear that and the moment I got laughed about it I felt bad and I didn’t wear it again anymore. I felt ashamed which is just so sad ๐Ÿ˜ข. I let them win that time…

I also have always been insecure about my nose. The bullies at high school were always calling me big nose. In that time there was a Dutch website which we used to be in contact with each other. I always saw the words big nose and knew that they were writing about me. It was just open and public. It really hurted me so much to see all those negative words written about me. I’ve never done anybody harm. Why are they bullying me? Is it just because I’m the easy target and because I’m a highly sensitive person? I was thinking maybe I really do have a big nose. Maybe, there’s really something wrong about me. Why would they call me otherwise big nose all the time? Now I know that my nose is fine and my body is perfect the way it’s.

The bullies also said one day that they wanted to kill me and my family. I still can remember the horrible chats on Messenger. Every day I thought that that would be my last day at school and that it was happening today. They never hit me. They were just threathing me all the time but it definitely made me develop my anxiety disorder. Nowadays, I’m still afraid of groups of people because of these bad memories.

Those were just horrible years which I would rather forget. I’m feeling more confident than years before. However, I’m still learning to love myself and embrace myself for who I’m. I never ever want to go back to that time. In another blog post I will write about all the negative effects bullying had on me. I was already writing that blog post some time ago. Now, I would like to write about some ways in which I think we can prevent bullying.

Bullying prevention system at schools

I think it’s crucial to have a good bullying prevention system at schools. My school didn’t do enough when I was suffering from bullying. They talked with me and the bullies but afterwards they bullied me again and again. I think it’s important to handle these situations better. The teachers and the principal of the schools have to know that bullying is really serious. They have to watch for signs when they see it happening in their class rooms and take action. They need a strong policy about it.

Classes about bullying

I think it’s really important to have classes at schools where they talk about what’s bullying and how they can prevent that together with the teachers and kids. Everyone have to know the differences between teasing and really bullying someone. When they know the differences and also the consequences of bullying they hopefully will bully less. The consequences of bullying can be really dangerous as in people commiting suicide. I once read that there’s a high rate of kids commiting suicide because of bullying. We need to teach kids to be more kind to each other and to have respect to each other.

Stand up for someone who is getting bullied

I think this point is also so important. When we see someone is getting bullied, stand up and speak up for that person. I know I was afraid to stand up for myself but the moment my best friend helped me and stood up for me, was the moment I felt supported and stronger. It’s just so important to be there for that person. It can help to stop the bullies.

Get professional help when you need it

Kids, teenagers and anyone who’s being bullied have to know that there’s a a great support system and professional help available when they need it. Bullying have so many negative effects as developing many mental health illnesses as depression, anxiety and even lead to suicide. The earlier we analyse this, the better we can prevent the negative effects of bullying. Therapy, medication and whatever you need is availlable for you. I hope everyone can get the help they need because you deserve that ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•.

Campaigns about raising awareness of stop bullying now

Campaigns and organisations which raise awareness of bullying are so important. During the time I was at high school there wasn’t that much awareness of this. Nowadays, there is social media and there’s just much more information about it. I really hope that this will prevent bullying now and in the future more and more.

Encourage kids to speak to an adult when they are getting bullied

I know many of us feel ashamed to tell our story. There’s nothing to be ashamed about because being bullied isn’t our fault. Sometimes people bully because they are jealous of somebody or just because they feel bad themselves. It’s important that kids are speaking up about getting bullied to a trusted adult to prevent bullying getting worse. That trusted adult can be your teacher or your parent. It can help the child to ask for help and provide them support and comfort. We all want someone that will listen to our stories without feeling judged. We just want someone that will be there for us in this difficult time.

Of course, there will be many other ways to prevent bullying but I just thought about these 6 important points. I will never stop sharing my story about bullying. I think it’s just so important to raise awareness about bullying. I hope that these points will hopefully prevent bullying. I hope to be able to help others with speaking up about my story of being bullied.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you think these tips in preventing bullying at schools will help? Do you have some other ways in which we can prevent bullying? Do you also got bullied? I would love to hear your thoughts and stories. Rembemer, you are not alone. You are beautiful. You are enough. Let’s be kind to each other. We are all in this together ๐Ÿ’ช

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Much love ๐ŸŒน,

xoxo Christina

I’m not good enough ๐Ÿ’ญ

Hey sweeties ๐Ÿ˜,

Today I wanna talk about something which has been stuck in my head for so long. Today I wanna talk about the thought: Iโ€™m not good enough. I have to confess that I have had this thought my whole life. I always have had the fear of not being good enough. I have wasted a lot of time in thinking that Iโ€™m not good enough. I think itโ€™s also because I have been bullied that I feel this way. If you haven’t read this story yet, you can read that story here: My story of being bullied

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I think many of us have this thought in the back of our minds. That fear of not being succesful enough, not smart enough, not beautiful enough…. I think that society also creates this thought. Especially women always have to be thin and look a certain way to be good enough. I see that on social media accounts, magazines and on television. I just see that everywhere. I think this is also the reason why many women start a strong diet, fitness to loose weight and develop eating disorders…. They will never feel good enough because they are not doing fitness to feel good about themselves. They are doing fitness to look a certain way to feel good. They will never obtain that goal, itโ€™s just an illusion. Even if they loose some weight, it just will never be good enough. They continue and that is really dangerous for their health. I like to swim, do yoga or other sports and afterwards I feel good about myself. I don’t do it to loose weight or look a certain way. Thatโ€™s the big difference. Of course, this can also happen with boys but there are still many more women who suffer from this problem.

We have to look a certain way to feel good about ourselves. Itโ€™s just bullshit. I know sometimes I look to other girls and compare myself way too often. I would for example see a girl who looked perfect in my eyes and instantly think like why canโ€™t I be as beautiful as her, wear awesome fashion as her…. Iโ€™m not very good in matching oufits and Iโ€™m always kinda jealous about girls who dress so perfectly well. Why canโ€™t I be like her? Sometimes I meet people and they tell me about their career and perfect life. Then I always feel like a failure. Thoughts as why canโ€™t I do awesome things in life and am I really a failure come up. I have to know that life isnโ€™t perfect and that everything we see on social media ainโ€™t not true. We all have our ups and downs in life even though you only see the highlights on social media.

Why do I always feel like Iโ€™m not good enough? I learned about self love and self-care these years but I still have to work a lot to feel like Iโ€™m good enough and worth it. I donโ€™t have to be another person or look a certain way to be good enough. I just have to be myself, wear what I want and love myself the way I’m.

I also had this thought a lot when it comes to boys. When I had a boyfriend from 17 till 19 years old, I felt like I was worthy of love and felt good enough. This was a kinda stupid thought because Iโ€™m already beautiful and not just because I have a boyfriend. I always thought somebody had to love me to feel good enough about myself. When he broke up with me, I felt really lost because I never learned to love myself. Everything happens for a reason. The break up learned me to love myself for who Iโ€™m, to respect myself, to set boundaries and to know that Iโ€™m good enough. I also learned that I first have to love myself before I can love someone else. I really love the quote โ€œWe accept the love, we think we deserveโ€ from the Perks of being a wallflower – Stephen Chbosky. I love Emma Watson and Logan Lerman so much. I encourage anyone to read the book and see this beautiful movie. After he broke up with me, I felt really insecure and had a low self esteem. I attracted the wrong boys because I thought that that was the love I deserve. Now, I learned that I deserve someone who would really respect me and my boundaries, love me for the way Iโ€™m and just have a safe and loving relationship.

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I know there are still so many of us struggling with body image. I find that so incredible sad. We are born out of love and have to embrace our bodies. Our body is our temple and is beautiful just the way itโ€™s. Society creates this image that we have to look a certain way to be beautiful. I hope you all are trying to learn to embrace your body and love yourself. You are loved, you are worth it, your body is beautiful and so are you โค I know I still have to learn a lot about this subject but every step forward is a big accomplishment. I have to try to stop comparing myself to others and know that I can be myself and be beautiful.

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I hope this blog post will help all the people who are struggling right now with their body image and with the thought of not being good enough. Remember, that you are not your thoughts. You are beautiful just the way you are. I advice you to practice self love every day and be surrounded by good people. For example, when you wake up and look at the mirrow you can look at yourself and tell yourself you are beautiful. Maybe, this will have a positive effect on yourself. Start doing little things which will replace this negative thoughts about yourself into good thoughts about yourself ๐Ÿ’• I know itโ€™s hard but we are all in this together ๐Ÿ’ชโค You can all achieve amazing things in life!

To end this blog post, I will share this beautiful song from Selena Gomez & The Scene. I love the lyrics so much because itโ€™s exactly about what I have just written about. Her song is about being your own beautiful selves โคโคโคYou don’t have to be like anyone else. You donโ€™t have to be a beauty queen but just your own beautiful self. Selena Gomez is such a role model for self love ๐Ÿ’• I love her and her beautiful songs so much. Iโ€™m going to make a blog post about self love songs soon because there are so many beautiful songs out there.

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I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’•

Much love โค,

xoxo Christina

How being bullied in high school caused me anxiety

Hey lovely bloggers <3,

I wanna share my story about how I have been bullied during high school in The Netherlands. For anyone who suffers from bullying and anxiety, this story could maybe trigger them. So I already say this before I continue. Iโ€™ve always wanted to write it but found it hard to find the right words for everything Iโ€™ve experienced. It still cause me anxiety but writing about it is way of lettings all the hard stuff go. Writing is a form of healing and it definitely helps me a lot. I will give a brief summary in this blog post to analyse the most important things that happened to me, what it made me feel and why it all cause me having anxiety.

Iโ€™ve been bullied mostly during high school. Those years were the worst years of my life. I spent 5 years in high school, since 12 years until I turned 18. The first three years were the worst. I still remember that time were I bought an awesome bag in Spain with my father. I was so happy when I bought this bag with my daddy. This bag had a picture on it from a girl. I didnโ€™t know that the hell was about to explode when I began high school. Iโ€™ve been bullied because of this bag because they began to call me barbie girl. It wasnโ€™t a barbie. They said I was childish and I remember times that I was putting some books in my locker and began to sing me the song of โ€œIโ€™m a barbie girlโ€ and laugh about me. I felt so horrible. How can somebody be so mean and bully you?!

Another story, I was friends with a girl and a group of bullies were bullying me and that girl. It was a horrible time. Iโ€™ve never done anything wrong to them. They just picked me out and that girl. They were calling us names. They called me big nose. If I think about it now, I laugh about it because I ainโ€™t have a big nose and who the fuck are you to laugh about me?! They were calling me ugly. They were also pushing me in the corridors of my high school. The worst part of it was that they were not only bullying me in real life also online. Cyber bullying is as worse as real life bullying. During that time a Dutch website existed which doesnโ€™t exists anymore. I was reading all those comments of how they were going to bully me and my friend and all those ugly names of us as calling us ugly. I also had a good friend where Iโ€™m still friends with, who helped me a lot during this time. I remember a time where the chat Messenger existed and a group of people were bullying me and threatening to kill me and my family.

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I think that part was the most anxious part ever. I didnโ€™t felt safe at highschool anymore. I felt so anxious that one day they would fight with me. One day, they said they would give me a clap in my face and to my friend. I remember that day I was in class and my friend wasnโ€™t there. It was the time she got a clap in her face… I felt horrible. They said to her that they didnโ€™t had done it with me because I was too sweet. So strange….?! We talked with our teachers so many times, also after that fight but nothing helped. I know that some of the bullies got kicked out of school but many continued. I deleted all those bullies from that Dutch website and one day a whole group went to my locked and said why Iโ€™ve done that. I said that I donโ€™t have contact with any of you and neither do I want. I felt so anxious and intimidated. This is also a reason why nowadays Iโ€™m afraid of groups. I feel that fear so intensly.

I also remember my gymnastics classes which were a hell. I remember so many times where I didnโ€™t do things right in baseball or other sports and the bullies were laughing about me. I suck in those sports and canโ€™t help that. I really forced myself to like gym but I didnโ€™t like it at all. I also remember the times we had to dress ourselves in the changing room and everyone was watching you. I felt so insecure. I remember one day during gymnastics that a boy laughed about me and said that I didnโ€™t had boobies and he said that Iโ€™m not a girl. It was such a stupid comment.

Another story which happened in the third year of high school, by that age I was 16 was about a boy. I liked a boy in my class. I thought he liked me too because he was always looking at me and really nice to me. Well, that was all part of the joke. I thought about writing him a love letter. During that time I was friends with another girl and went to his house to give him this letter. I was so anxious and closed the door. I should never have done it because the next day everyone in my highschool could read this personal letter explaining my feelings and thoughts about this boy. I still remember that I was about to go home and suddenly a popular girl who was always bullying me said to me if Iโ€™ve read my love letter which was hanging in school. She said to me were the letter was. I went into school, my heart racing and so anxious…. I saw my letter in the corridors and got it. Iโ€™ve found this letter a few years later in my room. I must have taken it to home. It is now destroyed. Farewell. Iโ€™ve learned to not do this again anymore, only if I know things are really serious when it comes to relationships. One girl who also bullied me a lot during my life said to me that I asked for being bullied. Iโ€™ve never fucking asked for it. Iโ€™m just being bullied for being myself and being too sweet and sensitive for this cold, hard and dark world.

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Being bullied stopped in the fourth and the last class. It wasnโ€™t that hard anymore. My best friend also got bullied with me but we could both support each other and help each other. Iโ€™ve known her since I was with her in the same class in the third, fourth and last year. We are still best friends for like 9 years and Iโ€™m so damn grateful for that โค They would sometimes call us stupid nick names and we would say something back and then it stopped. We were also ignoring those bullies which also helps. It also stopped when I had a boyfriend from 17 till 19 years. We had a long distance relationship. He was from Switzerland and I was living in Spain by that time. Thatโ€™s a story for another blog post. I posted pictures of us together on social media and they also saw me when he picked me up from high school. All those people who bullied me were saying to me that he was really handsome and wanted to know everything about him. I didnโ€™t told them anything, only where he came from. Itโ€™s so stupid that that was also the point that they stopped bullying me. I felt proud and happy of having a boyfriend. The bad part was that when he broke up with me, I felt even worse than before. I didnโ€™t love myself until my boyfriend loved me and felt so complete with him. I will explain all those details in another blog post.

So having told all those stories, being bullied caused me having anxiety. Iโ€™m still afraid of groups. Sometimes, I still feel that I canโ€™t be myself in this world. Iโ€™m a highly sensitive person which means that I feel, love and suffer more. I still feel sometimes that Iโ€™m way too sensitive for this cold and dark world. Iโ€™m also always anxious about giving presentations and introducing myself. I feel that fear of judgment and that people will laugh and say rude comments about me. Sometimes, when I hear people laughing, I think itโ€™s because of me when it ainโ€™t no true. Those are all imaginations which arenโ€™t true but caused with being bullied. Being bullied is a real trauma and Iโ€™m still recovering from it.

Iโ€™ve learned that the best way I can be in this world is to be myself and being proud of who Iโ€™m. Iโ€™ve learned to gain more confidence in myself and that self love is the most important relationship you can have in your life. Iโ€™ve learned that people who bully you, are insecure themselves and donโ€™t know any other way than only causing harm to others. They are just jealous about you. My tips for people who are being bullied, would be to ignore those people and sometimes itโ€™s good to speak up. I would also suggest you to talk about it with your teachers at highschool or wherever. Also, if you feel you need more professional help such as therapy to recovering from being bullied, that would be a good option too. Itโ€™s just so important to talk about your issues with a loved one, a professional one or a friend. This definitely helped me to overcome bullying. I had some therapy sessions 2 years ago and explained about what happened to me when I was bullied and this definitely helped me to came to the conclusion that it wasnโ€™t my fault and that Iโ€™m perfect the way Iโ€™m. Those bullies are just jealous and feel insecure themselves.

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Sometimes I still cry and feel bad about what happened but Iโ€™m grateful that Iโ€™m still here and stronger and wiser than ever before. There were times I thought it would be better if I wasnโ€™t alive anymore. I have never been suicidal but really anxious and feeling so low because all of what happened to me. I can remember times I wrote this in my diary and even wrote that the whole class was against me. I can say that Iโ€™m proud that I survived all of this and that eventually it made me stronger even though it was a hell of time. I wouldnโ€™t want to experience it again. Never more.

We should all stand together and raise awareness about bullying. Bullying cause anxiety, depression, low self esteem and even suicide. This needs to stop and I hope to raise much awareness with this post. Iโ€™m here for you all. We are all in this together and we can stop it.

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Remember, you are beautiful, you are loved, you are enough and you are never alone. If you ever need to talk about something which bothers you, if itโ€™s being bullied or something else, you know where to find me. I will always be there for you โค Thank you all for not judging me and for letting me write this story. I can stay my authentic self when I blog and thatโ€™s what I love the most. See you in my next blog post!

 

 

Love you all so much โค

Much love <3,

xoxo Christina

Sometimes I really miss my childhood ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ‘ธ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒ 

Hey lovely bloggers ๐Ÿ’•,

I wanna talk in this blog post about how I miss my childhood sometimes. I think many bloggers can relate to this aswell, if of course you had a good childhood. Not everybody has that privilige especially kids in underdeveloped countries which I find so sad ๐Ÿ˜ข. I remember one time that I made a box with toys and gave it to a church and they send it to those kids. They were so happy. They even wrote a card back to me. That just made my day! ๐Ÿ’•

This is little me, don’t know how old, maybe 5/6. I was dressing up as a beautiful princess haha ๐Ÿ‘‘๐Ÿ‘ธ I always liked to play that. I would still do that for a theme party. It’s just so fun. I really like to dress up. I can’t wait to celebrate Halloween this Saturday with my friends here in Spain and dress up like a witch like I do ever year ๐Ÿ˜‚.

Sometimes I really do miss being this little. If I think of it I cry a bit. This was the time that I could be myself without a damn care in the world. This was the time that I could wake up at Christmas day and just be sooooo full of excitment. You know that feeling?! That’s just so beautiful. I still love Christmas so much but while having anxiety I find it sometimes stressing to be surrounded by all my family and get asked questions about what I’m doing with my life, career and all that stuff. I just don’t know what to say then. Back then nobody asked those questions. Life was just so simple. I really miss that. I could be happy with little things. As you grow older into an adult it all has to be big things such having a great job, a great partner and so on. Life is made about all those little things. 

This picture was made during Sinterklaas. I always made these crazy moves with my hand haha ๐Ÿ˜‚ This is a feast which we celebrate on the 5th of December. He brings presents to the kids. It’s so lovely that we all believed in this. We all believed in Sinterklaas, Santa Claus and The three kings when it wasn’t true. I was really shocked when I knew my parents were the ones who gave me presents. It was that time that I started not to believe the things people were telling me. I felt like everything was a lie. I was 8 years old. It’s just so magical to believe in all of this as a little child. 

That time I turned five years old. I love that the table is covered with images of beer hahaha xD. 

Everything was fun when I was little. I didn’t had periods pain. I played a lot and met great friends in primary school. I was really happy this time. It was at high school that I got bullied and things just changed. It was then that I knew the world wasn’t so colourful as I imagined. It was dark sometimes and sometimes really dark. I got a boyfriend when I was 17 and then at 19 he broke up with me and my whole life felt apart. I’m going to write about that love story in another blog post. It all felt apart in just in one second.

I miss this time where I could be innocent. I miss this time because I felt safe and loved in this wold. I didn’t knew anything yet about the dangers of the world. I just felt so happy and free like everything is fun and could smile and laugh the whole day. I miss this time because my heart was full of love and not broken. I miss this time because I wasn’t afraid of anything. I didn’t know the concept of fear in life. I was climbing on the trees and I didn’t think of falling out of the tree. That thought just didn’t came into my mind. If I would do that now, I would think of being careful and only do it if it will be 100% safe to do because I don’t wanna get hurt. When you are a child you just don’t think of all that stuff. 

What I really do miss is not being able to just not think about one second and not to worry all the time. Now I’m 24, and I worry so much. I guess I believed in too many fairytales. We all have so much to do in life and have to rush to do all those stuff. Adults seem to not be able to enjoy the present moment anymore and just sit still and do yoga and meditate. Those are such great tools to get that present moment and peaceful feeling back.

This picture was made during a holiday in Spain. I love the swing and still play on that sometimes. I just such a carefree feeling. 

This picture was also made in Spain in the Basque country. I was supporting these people hahaha ๐Ÿ˜‚

I have grown up with scars in my heart with being bullied in high school, having my heart broken and my father who almost died when I was 11 years old. This all caused me so much anxiety and sadness in life. After all, I’m thankful that this happened to me. It was all so hard but it shaped me. After my first love left me I couldn’t be happy and now after almost 5 years I’m able to be happy again. I now I won’t be this little innocent girl anymore but I have learnt from this all.

I learnt that life isn’t a fairytale but that it’s still so beautiful. We can make it beautiful. Its important to have deep and meaningful relationships with your family and friends. I learnt that we can add colour into our lives. I learnt that your family will always love you no matter how old you are. Your family will always be there for you ๐Ÿ’–

Those are my two older brothers. I love them till infinity and beyond. The middle: Rafael is 39 and the left one called Edward is 35. Edward is married and has a beautiful two years old daughter so yeahhh I’m already aunt! ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ˜ Rafael has a Spanish girlfriend now for two years. 

I learnt that its normal to get nostalgic and sometimes wanna go back in time but its the past. We have to let it all go and move on. The future will be bright, it really will be ๐ŸŒ  I learnt that we still have that child in our hearts. It’s still there but we have to set it free and be creative. I know the dangers of the world and am more careful but I still believe in the good people. I may be a real princess one day, who knows haha. What I really know is that I will be a dreamer & hippie for life. My heart will always be full of love and light because I so believe that even though the world can be seem really dark, there’s always a light that is shining out there ๐Ÿ’ซ

This is me also in Spain, Basque country in the garden of my lovely Spanish family ๐Ÿ˜

Much love,

Christina xoxo 

Would you be friends with people who spoke to you the way you speak to yourself? ๐Ÿ’ญ

Hey lovely bloggers ๐Ÿ’•,

I saw this picture on Tumblr. This is just so true. We spend so much time doubting, hating and making fun of ourselves. Instead, we should love ourselves more for what we are. I can relate to this so much. I find it hard too. I remember so many times that I have said to myself that I’m not good enough or other bad thoughts such as that I’m not looking good or that I’m not beautiful. I still find it hard to trust these thoughts. However, I learned to not trust “this voice” in my head all the time even though it’s really difficult sometimes.

If a friend would spoke to me the way I speak to myself sometimes, I really wouldn’t be their friend anymore. How can you be friends with someone who is constantly saying negative things about you?! You don’t wanna be around with such a negative person. Why do we find it so damn easy to say things like we aren’t worth it, we aren’t good enough, we aren’t pretty like her/him to ourselves? We would never ever say that to a friend. We know those are bad thoughts ๐Ÿ’ญ.

I think the reason why we find it so easy to say those things to ourselves lies also in society and media. We always see those perfect famous people; with all their glamour and perfect bodies that we increase this mis conception of not feeling good about ourselves. We see those lives and we feel like we aren’t good enough. We scroll through social media and see all those perfect people and wanna be like them. It ain’t perfect. They have problems too but only the good parts are showed. That’s media. Trust me, being famous isn’t always a happy life if you look to the facts that many famous people can’t cope with their lives and take a lot of drugs, alcohol and even suicide…. I find that really sad. 

Society increase those feelings of not feeling good enough constantly. We are so much aware of it. We see those examples in magazines, on social media, on television, just everywhere. It really annoys me. We have to excercise a lot, look skinnier, gain much money, have a perfect job, have a perfect family, travel to the best places on earth, buy a bigger house… It’s always about having more and being better. I don’t like that about our competitive society. It’s never good enough. 

I love this poem which I found on Google. It shows us how society will always find something to tear us down and how we would never be good enough. We shouldn’t listen to that negative voice but focus on how to feel good about ourselves.

Instead we should focus on what we have and achieve inner peace. Inner peace will bring us to self love. If we are happy about ourselves, we also focus on making good choices for our lives. If we feel good in our skin, we will excersise and eat healthy but not to be skinnier. I hate those fitness and diet pages so much. It only increase that negative feeling about yourself. I’m a believer of making good choices for yourself just to feel about yourself. If you all the time try to be skinnier and skinnier, you will never feel happy. It will never be good enough. 

We can eat healthier and do things we love just to feel good about ourselves and increase our health but not to obtain a certain imaginary goal which can’t never be achieved.

Fuck whats society tells you. Don’t believe them. You are good enough. You are beautiful with all your curves. Be proud of yourself. If you have a bad thought coming into your head of not being good enough, you could think of the things what makes you YOU. You are unique and have so many good qualities. You can be romantic, sensitive, kind, social, compasionate… Those are all good qualities. I know you must have all of these too and so muh more ๐Ÿ’ซ

Being beautiful for me means not something temporary like the looks of a person. No. Being beautiful for me means how a person thinks and feels. Being beautiful goes beyond someone’s looks. It’s all about their qualities and dreams in life. Take all the superficial things away and you have that beautiful person. Being beautiful lays down in your soul. Looks will fade away with the years, but that personality and soul will always stick with you for the rest of your life.

Let the world talk. Make good choices for yourself and always out of love. Love yourself for what you are. Stop doubting about yourself. Know you are worth it and achieve all the dreams that you have. 

Believe in yourself, because YOU are beautiful and good enough. Never ever doubt that ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’‹

Much love,

xoxo

10 reasons why I love blogging so damn much ๐Ÿ’•

Hey lovely bloggers,

I’m gonna share 10 reasons why I love blogging so much ๐Ÿ’œ I’m so happy I made WordPress almost three months ago. I never regret any second of it.

  1. Blogging brings me so much happiness to my life. Whenever I feel bad I can read some inspirational posts or quotes and feel happier again. 
  2. The blogging community is just the most awesome community ever. You are all so kind, lovely, beautiful, sensitive and so supportive. It just gives me goosebumps because it makes me remember that there are so many good people out there in this sometimes dark world.
  3. It inspires me so much. I learn so much of reading your blog posts. I can learn how to paint my nails for halloween, how to stay healthy, book reviews, travel tips, inspirational quotes, how to search for a job, how to handle my anxiety, improve self love and just soooo much more. I think blogging is such a good tool for inspiration.
  4. I love writing so much. Here I can write about anything. I love writing poems, my thoughts and feelings.
  5. It’s so good for my mental health. I have anxiety for like my whole life. Since I begin to share all my thoughts and feelings I feel less alone. I feel so supportive. There are more people on here who have a mental illness. I love the fact that not only the people who have a mental illness but also the ones who don’t have it understand me. I think that’s just so magical. In real life, there’s still a stigma around it and some people just don’t get it. Here it’s different ๐Ÿ’œ
  6. I feel safe here. Even though my blog is an open space I still feel safe and kinda privated. I just can write about anything and feel respected. I can wrote about how people have bullied me in high school, how I suffer from anxiety and how my first love broke up with me and it’s just all okay. Nobody will judge me and for that I’m so damn blessed. You are da best! ๐Ÿ’•
  7. There are no rules how to blog. In life there are many rules on how you have to do this and this but with blogging there are just no rules. Everything you write is okay. It doesn’t matter about what you write. It doesn’t matter if you write about your bad day or how you are stressing about an exam. Everything is okay because those are your feelings, thoughts and experiences. It’s your blog and you decide about what you are going to blog. 
  8. There is not a specific time when you should blog. You can just blog whenever you want. It doesn’t matter if you blog in the early morning, afternoon or late at night. It’s all okay. Just do it whenever you want.
  9. You can blog anywhere you want. This is also an important reason why I love blogging so much. You can just do it anywhere, may it be in a cafe, at school or in your garden. You just have to have your laptop or mobile phone with you. Then you can start to write. 
  10. It’s free. While other hobbies cost something like going swimming or doing a yoga class, blogging is totally free. You can have a premium account on WordPress if you want. It’s up to you. I don’t have one. Blogging is free and you can even gain money out of it but I don’t know how that works ๐Ÿ˜‚ Maybe one day I can make that happen… don’t know.

Are there any other reasons why you love blogging? Tell me, I would love to hear! ๐Ÿ’œ

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’• I hope that you are all doing fine. In case you are not, I’m here for you. You are strong. You are all beautiful human beings. 

Much love to all of you,

Christina xoxo

All of my kindness is taken for weaknessย 

Hey lovely bloggers ๐Ÿ’ž,

โ€‹I think of this quote so much. It is from the song FourFiveSeconds from Rihanna and some other artists. This relates so much to my experiences in life and interaction with people. I always treat people with respect and am always kind. Unfortunately, all of my kindness is taken for weakness. Why do you think? ๐Ÿ’ญ

Kindness in today’s world is so rare that whenever people come across with someone that is kind, they assume it to be weakness. It is so much easier to hate and be judgmental. I don’t see kindness as a weakness. I see it as a strength. Being kind in a sometimes dark world takes so much courage.

Unfortunately, the kind people are the ones who suffer the most. I have had so many times that people took advantage of me and bullied me because of my kindness. They know I will never become angry or hateful. I am an easy target. However, I tried to change. I wanna be mean sometimes but I just fucking can’t. It’s not in my personality to be mean at people.

I have learned that kindness is a strength. I have learned that I don’t have to change and become this angry person because that won’t bring me any good in my life. I have learned that I can stay myself. I just have to set boundaries for people and say no more often and don’t let people taking advantage of me. I have learned to stay away from negative and judgemental people.

Why should you change yourself to be accepted in this world? No, fucking no. Even though in my opinion there are a lot of bad people out there, there are still so many good and kind people out there too. You just have to find them. We need people who are kind to each other in this world. You never know what they are going through.

It’s just sooo important to be surrounded with people who support and care about you. Kindness is such a good thing. If there wouldn’t be any kind person on this planet, it would be a really dark world. Shout out to all those beautiful kind people who take the fucking courage to be kind even though they have been hurt! ๐Ÿ‘

Don’t let the world make you hate or break your own heart. Never change. Stay kind and true to yourself ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ’ซ You are beautiful just the way you are ๐Ÿ’ž

Much love to all of you ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo

World mental health day; Remember, you are not alone ๐Ÿ’ž

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•,

Today is an important day in the world. Today it’s world mental health day. This subject is close to my heart because I have struggled and still struggle with anxiety for like my whole life. I have already shared a lot about having anxiety on my blog. I was always feeling anxious for new things, changes in life, presentations, for dentists or doctors appointments, just anything that make me feel uncomfortable. Everybody can feel this way in their lives.

However, I felt it way more heavy than others. I’m also a highly sensitive person which means that I feel more. I feel every emotion so deep, may it be a bad or good emotion. I’m also a person who analyse and overthink every situation which makes my anxiety even worse. 

Last year I went to the doctor in The Netherlands and got some therapy sessions but it didn’t seem to work. It made my anxiety even worse. It ain’t for everybody. I also took some natural meds such as St. Jans Wort but it didn’t seem to work. Since I went to the doctor here in Spain and got subscriped antidepressants I feel sooo much better than before. These weeks I feel bad again, but it’s the transition of college to real life. I know this energy will shift again. There are just bad and good periods in my life. 

For anybody suffering from a mental health issue please talk with a loved one, get support and help and do what feels right to you. If therapy sessions makes you feel better, do it. If exercise as yoga, swimming or surfing helps, do it. Don’t feel ashamed. I was so ashamed of taking antidepressants because I felt like that if I take that I would be crazy in my head. We can take meds for physical pain but not for mental pain?! Like there needs to be a different mindset. Just do what feels good to you.

For me these things make me feel good about myself:

  • Surfing: I really can’t wait to surf again and feel so free
  • Reading: I love to read novels and self help books
  • Writing: I love to write poems 
  • Blogging: I love to write on this blog. It’s my safe space with such a lovely community ๐Ÿ’ž 
  • Singing: I used to sing in a choir for 11 years
  • Being surrounded by my family and friends who support me
  • Nature: It’s just the best for our health ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž Fresh air ๐Ÿ๐Ÿ‚๐Ÿƒ
  • Photography
  • Being creative
  • Travelling: I love to go to new places and can distance myself from all the worries I have
  • Swimming
  • Yoga
  • Eating and sleeping well

There are so many other things that you can do to make you feel good. You just have to find what’s best for you. You know yourself as it best. Remember, to always be kind to yourself. You are loved and not alone. 

We need to end the mental health stigma. Every day is mental health day. Mental health is as important as physical health. There are still so many people from all different ages and nationalities suffering. They all need help and we need to end the stigma around this issue. They are not crazy in their minds, they need help, support and compassion. To raise awareness you can draw a circle on your hand with the hastag #iamwhole or wear something yellow with the the hastag #helloyellow and post it on social media.

Remember, we are all in this together, you are not alone ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’ซ

Much love,

xoxo ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž

You can either run from your past or learn from it ๐Ÿ’ซ

Hey lovely bloggers ๐Ÿ’•,

I just love this quote so much from R.M. Drake from Instagram ๐Ÿ’œ. You can all follow him on Instagram. I love his poetry and books he has written. This is exactly the way I’m feeling right now. If anybody feels this way too, remember you are not alone in this. Sometimes I still feel the the pain of my past. The pain of having my heart broken and giving my heart to the wrong people. It still fucking hurts ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข .

I wish I could hate you and write everything that I hate about you… but I just can’t. There’s still a little piece in my heart that loves you, and maybe always will. First loves always hurt. First break ups even more. This Christmas it will be already 5 years since you left me. It’s such a long time ago. I’m so much better than before and almost don’t cry about you anymore but sometimes it still hits me how you broke my heart into pieces. We were too young.  I wanna feel love again and I know I can. It just takes time. My heart needs to heal. 

I also feel the hurt of people who hurt me in the past. I can still remember of people bullying me and making me feel worthless. When I meet new people I’m afraid to open up. When I know they are good people I can make life long friendships. I just have to feel safe. I have to remember myself that I’m not my past. I have to remember myself that I’m strong enough to let it all go.

If anybody feels this way too, remember that you are loved and not alone. We all go through hard times, just not at the same time. We all have to deal with toxic people in our lives. The best thing ever I did was to let those people go and only surround myself with good people, the ones who lift you up and will love you no matter what happens. You can either run from your past or learn from it like they say in The Lion King ๐Ÿ’• .

Learn from it, grow and be the best version of yourself because you fucking deserve all the good things of the world. You are beautiful and loved ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’ซโœŒ

Much love,

xoxo ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•