World Mental Health Day 2020 πŸ’šπŸ’ͺ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today is World Mental Health Day. Mental health is important every damn day. Mental health is as important as physical health. Today I want to share a poem about mental health. I’m here for you all πŸ™πŸ’ž. This year is even harder for all of us because of being more isolated this year. More people died by suicide and are struggling with their mental health because of the pandemic. I definitely feel this year is really such a struggle. It’s important that we all help each other.

Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness on a daily basis. I can say that we are done about speaking up. It’s time to change the whole mental health care system. The waiting lists are too long, the help is too late at times and there are no funds for good treatments. This is a worldwide issue which definitely need to change in all countries. Voting a political party which listen to our needs could make a change. There needs to be done so much in our society until everyone can get the help they need whenever they need it.

I’m so thankful for the support I have here online. I love the blogging mental health community. I love the support I get from my family especially my mother. She knows how to care for me and love me especially on the days I feel bad. I love my friends, pen pals and online friends so much too. I take anti anxiety meds when I need them like when I go to the dentist, have to fly or any other situation which makes me anxious and out of control. Everyone deals with it on their own way. There’s no right way. I don’t know whether I will go therapy once and that would help me. It’s also not okay to push someone into doing something they don’t think would help. Healing and recovery isn’t linear and it different for everyone. I think sometimes we just have to find a way with living with it. Writing, doing yoga, blogging, singing, listening to music, being with my loved ones, walks in nature, the sea, surfing, reading, meditation, speaking with someone I trust are all important tools that make me feel better. I hope you also have some great resources that will help you in your life. Mental health illnesses are so complexed, different and hard to treat. I guess at one point it will get better. We have to fight for that day and stay together.

This is the most vulnerable video I made. It’s a spoken poem for today. I hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggle and know that we are all in this together ❀️πŸ’ͺ I love you all so much.

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Today it's World Mental Health Day. This has to be every day and not just one day in a year. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness on a daily basis. I can say that we are done about speaking up. It's time to change the whole mental health care system. The waiting lists are too long, the help is too late at times and there are no funds for good treatments. This is a worldwide issue which definitely need to change in all countries. Voting a political party which listen to our needs could make a change. There needs to be done so much in our society until everyone can get the help they need whenever they need it. This is the most vulnerable video I made. It's a spoken poem for today. I hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggle and know that we are all in this together ❀️πŸ’ͺ I love you all so much. I close my eyes All I see and feel is darkness I feel lost I'm not myself anymore My chest feels tight I'm breathing faster My heart rate is racing So many thoughts about the future I'm nauseous I'm getting dizzy Cold Warm I'm getting crazy Why can't I just feel like a normal person? I began to cry What's happening to me? This is what it feels to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks It's the worst 1 of 5 people suffer on a daily basis with their mental health Depression, bipolar, borderline, eating disorder, psychoses, anxiety, ocd Any person can suffer from one or more of them They all matter No matter your nationality, gender, age, race Mental illnesses are real There's no need to shame What we need is compassion, support and respect A better mental health system Every illness counts Time is ticking It's time to save lives Change the mental health care system We don't want more deaths We want better treatments available for all Because We all deserve to feel safe, loved and get the help we need whenever we need it Our time is now Let's all fight for a better system and society We are not alone We are all in this together always πŸ’ͺ❀️ We are warriors πŸ’ͺ Love you all Amen β€οΈπŸ™

A post shared by Sea of words 🌊 (@seaofwordsblog) on

I close my eyes
All I see and feel is darkness
I feel lost
I’m not myself anymore
My chest feels tight
I’m breathing faster
My heart rate is racing
So many thoughts about the future
I’m nauseous
I’m getting dizzy
Cold
Warm
I’m getting crazy
Why can’t I just feel like a normal person?
I began to cry
What’s happening to me?

This is what it feels to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks
It’s the worst
1 of 5 people suffer on a daily basis with their mental health
Depression, bipolar, borderline, eating disorder, psychoses, anxiety, ocd
Any person can suffer from one or more of them
They all matter
No matter your nationality, gender, age, race
Mental illnesses are real
There’s no need to shame
What we need is compassion, support and respect
A better mental health system
Every illness counts
Time is ticking
It’s time to save lives
Change the mental health care system
We don’t want more deaths
We want better treatments available for all
Because
We all deserve to feel safe, loved and get the help we need whenever we need it
Our time is now
Let’s all fight for a better system and society
We are not alone
We are all in this together always πŸ’ͺ❀️
We are warriors πŸ’ͺ
Love you all
Amen β€οΈπŸ™

Remember, you are never alone. Like Ram Dass says, we are walking each other home. We are here for each other. I really wouldn’t know where I would be without all of you. My blog. My safe space. It’s so good to have a place where you feel like you can be yourself. I never felt this way before. I have always felt the feeling that I don’t belong anywhere. I never felt at home until I went to NYC and spoke at the United Nations and when I did my internship in Valladolid. Those places reminded me that good people exists. I also never felt at home until I began this blog. I didn’t knew so many awesome, inspirational and good people exists. Sometimes we forget it because of all what’s going on in the world. When there’s so much negative news we sometimes go into a dark hole and can only see the negative side of this world. I’m happy that thanks to blogging I know there are so many people who want you to be happy, healthy and will support you along your way.

Thank you a million times for always being there for me. There will be good and hard times in life. As long as we are together we will be fine because we will support each other along the way in this crazy adventure called life. I hope we can all meet one day, have deep talks and enjoy life together. I can’t wait to see you all making your wildest and biggest dreams coming true. I will always be cheering you from the side. You are not alone. You are kind. You are loved. Always remember too, you are enough. Don’t let society make you feel like you are not. Your mental health illness doesn’t define you as a person. I sometimes also feel like I’m an anxious person but it’s more like I suffer from anxiety. I’m not my anxiety. We aren’t our illness. We are much more than that. It isn’t our choice to be sick.

Thank you all for reading and watching my video. I hope it made you feel less alone and inspired you 🌌🌠. What do you think need to change in the mental health care system? What does make you feel better? How are you feeling now? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Feeling done with this world πŸ˜’πŸ’”

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I will write a not so happy blog post. I like to share about my favourites and music reviews but I love to just write anything what’s on my mind because then I’m writing from my heart to yours. It makes me feel a bit better to let my thoughts go and I also hope it will help others to feel less alone. We all struggle in life with things only not at the same time. I hope I won’t sound too depressive but I just really don’t feel okay lately. Everything feels heavy and too much. I’m always my authentically self on this blog so I will try to be honest about my feelings and thoughts. When Summer ends I always feel this way because I’m a Summer girl forever. I don’t like dark days and less sun light.

I don’t know why I feel this way lately. Maybe it’s the thought of having to go back to Holland in two weeks. I have been SO happy here in Spain. I have been eating tapas a lot, drinking delicious milkshakes and ice creams, went swimming, went on a trip to the beach with my mother and surfed after 4 years πŸ„πŸŒŠ which I will share soon with you all, went for walks and saw my friends here a lot. I really have been enjoying life so much.

A few nights ago I cried about thinking having to go back to The Netherlands πŸ˜­πŸ’”. I don’t want. I’m just SO done with leaving my happy place. I love The Netherlands too. I love to see my friends and family there too of course. I’m just SO much happier in Spain. Just writing this makes me cry so much again. I just want to live here forever. I also experience anxiety here but at the end my heart longs for Spain. I’m also anxious that we won’t be able to go again for a long time because of the pandemic. I applied for jobs without any luck. If there’s one thing I know for sure is that I want to live in Spain permenantly.

I also feel anxious and depressed again to go to the dentist. I’m happy it went again well. In this blog post I talk about my experience of my second wisdom tooth removal. I still have to go twice but I’m more anxious for the lower wisdom teeth because they are in my gum. I don’t know whether to do it here now or in a few months. I’m really dreading it. I love this dentist but that doesn’t mean I’m not anxious to go anymore. Still feeling anxious and not okay. It’s still no fun. It isn’t a trauma and didn’t hurt that much afterwards. The only thing is that with the lower wisdom teeth extraction it will hurt a bit more. He said one or two points more, nothing like a brave women like you won’t be able to tolerate. It was really sweet what he said but I feel like I don’t want to be brave anymore.

I feel depressed lately and anxious 😞. I don’t know how to live life without feeling constantly anxious about something whether that’s going to the dentist, flying, going to an interview or anything else. I feel like I have no purpose and will never achieve my dreams because of anxiety. Then a friend of me said that it would be good to go to therapy. Well, I had some talks in the past and had to vomit every time and felt even more depressed and worse afterwards. I don’t want to go through that again. I also don’t like people giving me advice because like Yoga Girl said, we know ourselves the best. I love to get tips and recommendations but at the end this is my life. I just hate when people tell me what to do even though some will mean it well. I’m a helper and I have pleases way too many people in my life who didn’t deserve it. It’s my turn now to choose what’s right for me even though I sometimes don’t have any clue and feel lost as hell in life.

Everything what’s happening in this world right now also makes me feel totally not okay. I deactivated FB and my personal Instagram. Sometimes I think of deleting it all but that’s maybe too much I will just take a break. I’m done with seeing happy perfect pictures and fake lives. Inspiring people is what makes me happy and following others who inspire me too such as Yoga Girl, artists and other people. Social media often gived such as a false view of life. What you see isn’t real. I think that makes us all feel even worse especially when we are dealing with mental health illnesses such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, eating disorder or any other. To see people living their life best while you are not feeling okay will not help you. I giess it’s important to have a social media detox. I feel different while blogging because I’m just completely myself without feeling I will be judged. Blogging is my safe space and will always be πŸ™πŸ’–.

Everything feels too heavy for me lately. I decided to stop watching news or anything triggering my mental health too. It’s not being egoistic but I really can’t deal with any negative news happening in this world anymore. It’s too much for my highly sensitive brain. I can’t take it anymore. I think for the people who are already sensitive for negativity and also are struggling in life, this pandemic hit really hard. I remember when it all began in March and I was just lying in bed thinking about the world ending. I still sometimes think of this question: How can I cope in this world when I don’t see any light in the tunnel? When is this going to end? My anxiety goes to the roof when I don’t know the end point of something. I know that when I go to the dentist half hour later I feel okay again. With this it’s different. No one knows when this pandemic will end and if it will end one day. It makes it definitely more scary which makes me feel even more anxious.

I’m happy I live a more normal life here in Spain. For many months I was at home and only going on a few walks. I have been doing loads of fun stuff here but always doing social distance, wearing a mask which I hate because it gets so warm, and washing my hands a lot. I just feel that even though we have the internet, it makes us feel more isolated and lonelier too. Yes, video calls and chatting is nice but it will NEVER replace real human connection. Seeing each other face to face and hugging each other is the most valuable things ever in life. Having a vulnerable conversation with someone we love, crying on someone’s their shoulder, helping a stranger, giving someone a hug will never be the same online. The online world will never give you the same feelings. Seeing everyone being afraid of each other and not wanting to be near to them breaks my heart even more. Really?! What has the world become? I know they are many things to be grateful for like being more present, slowing down and spending time in nature. It’s just really hard sometimes.

This was basically my rant of how I feel in life regarding to the pandemic, this world and just my feelings. I hope we all have a safe space to be able to talk about our feelings without being judged. I’m here for you all and hope you are all being safe πŸ™πŸ’–.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. How are you all doing? What are some tips you have for me for coping with anxiety with everything what’s happening in this world? Do you also feel better when doing a social detox? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Happy three year blogging anniversary! πŸŽ‰πŸŒ»βœ¨πŸŒˆβœŒοΈπŸ˜πŸŽˆ

Hey lovelies πŸ’ž,

I’m so happy to write this blog post! On the 16th of August my blog turned three years πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‚πŸΎπŸŒˆπŸ˜. Happy three years blogging anniversary to my lovely blog and safe space! ✨ I can’t believe I’m blogging for three years already. I even forgot that it was today due to the crazy times we live in right now. I never take my blog for granted. I’m so proud of this achievement. My life wouldn’t be the same without my blog. It’s a seed 🌱 I planted 3 years ago which grew. I’ve almost 500 followers now. I will tell about some blogging plans I have in this blog post, some statistics and just some thank you words because I’m so grateful for all of you who have supported me during this crazy adventure. I love you all so much πŸ’ž.

I have always loved writing. I used to write in journals and diaries πŸ“. I still write some of my thoughts and poetry in a journal. I would love to use it more though. Writing is a form of expressing myself in a way I can’t while speaking. I also would love to be able to write some songs because I love singing too. Writing definitely heals our heart. We are told to not share our struggles or our feelings when it’s so much better if we do it in order to heal our hearts. Blogging makes me so happy. I never knew that I would meet so many amazing and beautiful people like you all are. You all mean the world to me. I really wouldn’t know what I would do without you all. Your support and love makes my heart glow from happiness. You all mean so much to me. You make me all so happy and I love to get inspiration from you all. I hope you also get inspired ✨ by my words and feel less alone.

To be honest, I never expected my blog to grow and find such inspirational people on there. I remember I was searching on Google three years ago on how to gain followers or grow my blog. If I knew back then that it will just happen day by day. I just have to be myself and create quality content. It has to make me happy and if it makes me happy then it can make others happy too. Not everyone has to like you and you have to be okay with that. There will be always people out there who won’t agree with you but that doesn’t make you a bad person. Not everything is about us. The internet can be a nasty place but also such a beautiful one. The blogging community is the loveliest community ever. We all respect each other and are there for each other. It’s so rare to find nowadays. I love to write about mental health, self love, feminism, travel trips, poetry, books, new music which comes out and just anything I love or want to share. I don’t like to have a special niche because I love to write about anything I like without having to limitate myself. I’ve always a lot on my mind so I love to share it with you guys haha πŸ˜‚β€οΈ.

Now, I would love to share some blogging statistics from this year. I love to be able to look back and think about how much my blog grew during these three years.

Some blogging statistics from this year:

Followers: 499 (Almost 500 whoehoe, last year I had 379)

Blog posts: 211

Views: 20.384 (Wow over 20K!)

Visitors: 12.584

Best day: April the 7th 2019, the day I got the most views

Day most popular: Monday, a new week! (18%)

Hour most popular: 11:00 PM (6%)

Some of my blog posts wich are the most popular and got the most views were:

I will never hurt people the way they hurt me (444 views)

Hey, you. Don’t give up, okay? βœ¨ (394 views)

I feel like everyone is living their best life, except me (311 views)

A to Z of my favourite things in life (300 views)

Do you think it’s possible that some people are born to give more love than they will ever get back in return? πŸ’• (1002 views, I guess many followers come to my blog from this blog post, it’s also one of my favourite posts)

Top 10 countries that have visited my blog 🌍:

I find this such an amazing thing to look at when I look at the statistics. So many people from all over the world visit my blog. It’s so crazy! I think it’s amazing. Sometimes I also see countries which I don’t know such as Palau, Togo or The European Union lol which is not a country. I exactly know which bloggers friends visit my blog when I look at the stats haha.

1. United States (3713 views)

2. United Kingdom (937 views)

3. India (866 views)

4. Canada (465 views)

5. The Netherlands (453 views, including my views haha)

6. Philippines (338 views including me)

7. South Africa (313 views)

8. Indonesia (259 views)

9. Australia (246 views)

10. Singapore (210 views)

One of my blogging plans in the future would be to go self hosted one day. I will do that when I don’t have any free space left. I’m anxious to do that because I heard stories of bloggers loosing their content. If you do it on WordPress it wouldn’t be a problem, right?! I would love to learn more about this topic. I also would love to be able to maybe earn money from my blog. I invest so much time in it and I’m still looking for a career. I would love to be able to gain money while being a writer. I hear people saying how difficult it is. I know that already but what if I make my dreams come true. What if we all make our wildest and biggest dreams come true? 🌠 It doesn’t matter what others tells us because we have the right to persue whatever we want to achieve. I believe the universe has a plan for all of us.

One of my other goals is to gain 1000 followers. It isn’t about the followers but it’s nice to be able to reach this blogging milestone. It will take time and patience and I will keep blogging. I don’t like all those influencers and people only focusing on followers and numbers because it isn’t the most important thing. It isn’t real. I would rather have less followers but the ones I have being active and not passive followers or ghost followers which exists a lot these days. I also don’t like those bots on Instagram which only post disgusting comments always. It’s annoying πŸ˜’.

I also would love to be able to meet you all one day 😍. That’s one of my biggest dreams because it would be so nice to finally be able to see you and hug you all. We can’t hug now due to this pandemic but hopefully soon we can. I would love to guide you in Spain or in The Netherlands. I would also love to be able to travel to your country and see more of the world. I love travelling the world. I would love to talk with you about my life, dreams, fears, the things I love or just anything. We could go for a drink, eat some delicious tapas, go to a concert together 🎢, write blog posts together, sing, dance πŸ’ƒ, surf πŸ„β€β™€οΈ, take pictures and just enjoy each other’s company. It would make me the happiest girl in the world. I’ve made life long friends because of blogging.

I just want to say thank you for everything. I’m so blessed to have you all in my life πŸ™βœ¨ I love my real life friends and online friends so much.  Everytime I feel my life is turning upside down and I feel like the clouds are crying with me I turn to my blog and I begin to write about everything what’s on my mind no matter how dark or heavy it’s. You guys always help me in these moments. You are always there for me. I appreciate that so much. It feels good to know that I’m not alone in my struggles and that there’s someone who understands me and cares about me even when we have never have met. Online friends are real friends too. I can’t wait to meet you all one day. We will ALWAYS be friends ❀️ yeahhh.

Thank you all for reading this happy blog post. I hope you liked it. What do you love about my blog? Do you think we will ever meet? Do you think that internet friends can be real friends too? What are some blogging plans you have? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much πŸ˜πŸ’žβœ¨,

xoxo Christina

I see humans but no humanity πŸ’”πŸ˜’

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I wanted to write a more happier post but I always want to be honest on my blog so I won’t do that. I’m always vulnerable and real on my blog. I always write straight from my heart. Writing straight from my heart also gives me the most inspiration. I don’t like to plan blog posts. It has to flow like life too. These days I don’t feel okay so I will write about my feelings and thoughts. I hope you are all okay and safe. I’m here for you too. This blog post will be about my health, how I feel and about humanity. It feels good to write it all down and have a more sense of peace in my mind.

I was very happy the first days I arrived in Spain. I have been eating delicious tapas, ice creams 🍦🍨🍧, milkshakes, enjoyed the sunshine 🌞 and went swimming a lot πŸŠβ€β™€οΈ. The last days I have felt low and kinda depressed. I also had my period so I’m always more sensitive to everything during that time of the month. Besides, I’m really tired and my throat hurts a lot when I swallow, drink or eat something. It feels like it’s swollen too. If anyone knows me well, you know how anxious I’m about dentists or doctors so I will wait a few more days. The bad thing is that nowadays many people think easily oh no it’s Corona when you can have something else. I don’t have fever or anything. I just hope that it will go away soon. I really want to feel better again.

I also am beginning to feel anxious again to have to go to the dentist in two weeks. I still have to get rid of three wisdom teeth but it’s really draining me. I’m so done with it. It makes me so anxious 😒🦷. The dentist and his team are very lovely but it’s still no fun. Again feeling numb, then not eating a few days and taking meds for pain. It was worse than I imagined but still not fun. The anxiety I feel is always worse than the thing itself. Anxiety is a monster and I would love to be able to tame it one day. I will use valium to calm myself down. I’m so grateful for my mother who is always there for me to hold my hand and be at my side. I couldn’t do anything scary without her help. I really would be so lost. I love her so much. She is the kindest and most loveliest person ever.

I’m a highly sensitive person which means that I feel every emotion more. I feel others suffering more and also love more. It’s a gift but can also be a curse sometimes. I feel others pain deeply. Some of my friends are dealing with emotional stuff. I feel them. I feel people suffering from the pandemic. It hurts me so much to see so much pain in the world. I have been feeling very emotional and sad too these days. I can’t deal with people doing bad things to good people. It breaks my heart πŸ’”. Why is there so much hate in this world? Why can’t people just be nice and kind to each other or is that too much to ask for? I really would love to have some answers on that but I don’t have. I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. It’s so unfair.

I have felt this way too because of the harrasment which yoga_girl is receiving just because she said that’s better not to travel now to Aruba from a country with a high risk of the virus. Aruba suffers from an economic crisis because it depends on tourism. I can understand that but the health and safety of the citizens are more important. I think that’s obvious. I just can’t understand how people find it okay to treathening other people lives. It’s so scary. Rachel and her family have received hate and what’s worse than that is threats. They even stalked their house. I’m happy they are safe now. It would be a shame if they have to move because of some locals being aggressive to them. I’m so happy to be part of the yoga community and will forever be βœ¨πŸ™πŸ’–. We are all here for you guys. Rachel, you are such a light in this world and have healed so many hearts including mine. I’m still healing though. I can’t thank you enough. Be safe. I love you so much.

I have also noticed that I feel more like myself these days. The more I feel, the more I feel like myself because this is who I’m. I get anxious, I get depressed, I feel low but I also can be happy and feel gratitude in my heart. I feel it all. Even though sometimes I find it really hard to live in this world because there are so many scary things and bad people out there too. I’m grateful for the good people I have in my life. I’m so happy to have this beautiful blogging community too who’s always there for me too. I can’t wait to meet you all one day and thank you. You are always there for me when I’m sad and celebrate my happy days. We will always stick together forever.

I wish there would be more people like you all in this world πŸ’žπŸ™. Sometimes I definitely feel like there are so many bad people and things out there. I get scared and anxious and feel such a heavy feeling on my shoulders. I wish for peace, respect and compassion and being one with the world. What the world needs right now is union and not more separation 🌍. There’s already too much of that and it didn’t bring anything good.

May we all find the light and love in our own hearts and spread it to the world ✨. This world needs healing, so much love, compassion and kindness. It will never be enough. What this world needs right now is a group hug which would be now in distance with the pandemic but you all understand what I mean. More love, less hate. More compassion, less cold-hearted people.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you can understand and respect my feelings. How are you feeling lately? Are you also anxious of going to the doctor or dentist? What do you think of humanity? Do you also find it unfair that bad things happen to good people? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post. Be safe you all and remember we are never alone in our struggles. Like I always say, we are always in this together πŸ’ͺπŸ’–.

I love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

5 surfers died doing what they loved to do the most in The North Sea πŸ˜’πŸ’”πŸ‡³πŸ‡±

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I wanted to write a more happy blog post but I just can’t. I have to always write what’s on my mind. Right now, I feel so much loss and I am so sad. I feel heartbroken πŸ’”. I cried this whole week SO much. I will talk about the tragedy which happened on Monday afternoon in the beach Scheveningen πŸŒŠπŸ‡³πŸ‡±πŸ˜’. 5 surfers died doing what they loved to do the most. I also wrote a poem abou it which I will let you see below. This is also my 200th post on my blog which I’m proud about but today’s blog post is something more important. Some people will maybe not understand me but I can grief so hard for people I don’t know. I’m a sensitive person and an empath. That’s how I live my life now and forever. I will not change that for anyone if you like it or not.

On Monday afternoon in Scheveningen at 7 o’clock a group of surfers came in problems. There was a strong wind and current. They didn’t surf near to the port because it’s more dangerous there. They know the sea so well because they were experienced and even life guards. They found the two bodies on Monday and the other two on Tuesday. They are still searching for the fifth body. Even the rescue team had problems in finding them. Some people were saved, a man who was 40 years old and other people. A friend of them was saved. They were all from the regio of The Hague. The ones who died were between 20 and 30 years old. It’s so heartbreaking that the sea took their lives. It was even on the news of the World Surf League which is the association of surfing professionals. They died suffocated in the foam. This is very strange because that doesn’t happen often. Now they will further investigate it. I hate when people say it’s their fault. I find it disrespectful when people say that. The rescue team in The Netherlands saved one person who also had a baby, a family together. That person was friends with the ones who died. I wouldn’t know how to cope when I know my best friends died but I got saved. I think it must be so heartbreaking.

I know surfing is sometimes a risky sport but surfers know that. I love surfing and even made my thesis about surfing for graduating college. I wrote about the surf brand O’Neill and the surfing lifestyle. I love to live that lifestyle like all surfers are living that. It means to enjoy the sea, having respect for nature, for the environment and for every living being. I’m a beginner surfer by heart. The sea is my home. I also surfed on the beach of Scheveningen many times. It makes me the most happy person ever. Even though I’m not good at catching waves yet, I have fun and feel the most alive on my surfboard. They died doing what they loved to do. I just don’t think there’s anything poetic about that because it must be a horrible death being drowned by the sea. I’m so sorry for them 😒. I think they suffered a lot and did all they could to be saved. Since I heard the news I couldn’t stop crying. I wrote a poem about what happened. It’s also on my poetry account on Instagram. I can’t think of anything else right now.

The wild sea

I love the sea

It’s my favourite place in the world

I love to hear the waves crashing to the shore


I love to smell the salty air


I love to feel the wind in my face


I love the taste of the salt sea


I love to see the waves


What I love the most of surving


Is the feeling of being alive


It makes me so happy


At the same time the sea scares me


Last night a tragedy happened in Scheveningen


5 experienced body surfers lost their lives


The wind & the big waves took their lives


How can nature be so cruel?


How can be something so beautiful at the same time kill people?


It’s mother nature at their wildest


I spent the day crying


I don’t know you but I feel the losses in my heart


Being an empath and highly sensitive person makes you grief people you don’t even know

I’m so sorry Joost, Sander, Pim, Max and Matthijs

The sea took your life


May you rest in peace


You were all too young


You died doing what you loved to do


We are mourning the losses


The sky is crying with you


You are all an inspiration for us

You will not forgotten

I send all my love to the friends and family


You are all loved

The surfing community will always be there for each other

We will stick together

Love you
πŸ’•

A sea of words

I hope you all liked my poem. The picture is from someone on Instagram. I love to see sunsets on the beach. They are the most magical ever. I truly believe these heroes are somewhere there watching us from above. We will continue surfing remembering them. I just always have to write a poem when a tragedy happens, especially one so close to home. Scheveningen is a place I come often to surf, chill and enjoy the beach. It’s close to The Hague where I went to college to. I often celebrate my birthday at the surf school Hart Beach. These men were from another surf school but they were all surf teachers and know the sea very well. They know the dangers. The meters of foam happened suddenly when they were body surfing. I love the community of surfers so much. They are all so lovely and connected with each other. I have some friends who surfed with me but I would love to find more people who could surf with me. Sometimes I was also thinking to get a job in the surf industry. It would be so amazing! Caring about the environment, enjoying nature and loving the sea is everything I stand for in life. I know some of my studies live there and are also heartbroken about the news. Also one girl from my studies know some people who have died. She’s a professional surfer who surfed with them too.

It’s so sad that life can be over in just one second. We never know when will be the last day we are living. We never know when we will die. It terrifies me but at the same time it also makes me think that I want to live the life of my dreams. I would love to learn to be able to surf well and catch some good waves. It makes me feel alive, happy and feel less anxious. The sea cures everything but sometimes it’s a monster which takes people. I always have much respect for the sea. It’s mother nature at it’s wildest 🌊. We can learn how to surf the waves but we can’t go against the sea. The sea will always be stronger than us at the end. Nature will always be stronger than human beings and can destroy us whenever we least except it, thinking of natural disasters such as earthquakes or tsunami’s. We really have to care more about mother nature. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world and also sometimes the scariest thing ever 😒. We have absolutely no control of it.

Today, our hearts go out to the 5 families and friends of the people we lost in Scheveningen yesterday. The 5 surfers where body surfing and were experienced. They didn’t come home after their session. Even though I don’t know them I feel this loss so deeply. I am an empath and highly sensitive person and always feel everything so deeply. I don’t have to know someone personally to feel what others are going through. I can feel their feelings so deeply. This is the prize I take for feeling so much. I also suffer so much too. I don’t know how I would cope when someone I know dies. This is a black day for the Dutch surf community and we wish all who are involved the strength to deal with this loss πŸ˜’πŸŒŠπŸ™πŸ„πŸ‡³πŸ‡±. We are all mourning their losses. The sea is so wild and strong. It takes and gives. I am here for you all. Sending you all my love and strength πŸ’•πŸ™. I hope this poem made you feel less alone in mourning their grief.

Always when something like this happen I would love to help other people and be of service. I know I can’t make the death surfers come back into life. I wish that power would exist. If I lived near to Scheveningen I would bring flowers to the surf school. Everyone is doing that and they are griefing all together around the place where the tragedy happened. Maybe, I’m going to sent the surf school a card and flowers letting them know they aren’t alone in their pain. The families and friends need to grief right now and need their privacy. I also am going to donate money for the KNRM which is the The Royal Netherlands Sea Rescue Institution. They are always rescuing people and it’s important to donate money even though you may not have much money. You can donate on this website: KNRM.

This is a beautiful poem I found on Instagram. It sounds better in Dutch of course but I loved it.

”If mermen really existed,
at home on the coast and could go as fishes through the water
then they were named surfers
and everyone in Scheveningen would know that
the sea belongs to them and they belong to the sea
her waves took the men forever with her.”

Thank you all for reading this heartbreaking but necessary blog post. It was my 200th blog post. I just had to write about this tragedy. What do you think of my poem? Are you a sea lover? Does the sea scares you? Does anything similiar happened in your country? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Struggling so much with my mental health πŸ˜’

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I’m always honest and 100% vulnerable about my journey of mental health especially on my blog like I said in this blog post. In real life it’s much more difficult to be open about it because I still feel not everyone understands it. There is still a taboo surrounding mental health. People are getting more open but it will still take a lot of time for people to understand that we can get physically but also mentally ill and that there’s no shame to admit that we are struggling. It takes a lot of courage to be open so that’s what I’m going to do right now in this post. I will tell you how I’m feeling because letting these words out make me at least feel less alone. Even writing all of this takes me too much effort 😒.

So, to be honest I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel so hopeless. I’m not okay. I can’t see any point of living anymore in life. I feel like I’m getting depressed. I’m not in danger because I know I never would do something to harm me. I’m just exhausted to go through life while feeling anxious for everything I have to face all the time. I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. I know maybe asking for help would help. I just don’t know if therapy would really help me because I keep thinking of the time I had some form of therapy, 7 sessions and had to vomit every time and my anxiety even got worse…. I still have anti anxiety medication at home from when I got it subscribed by the doctor in Spain. My mother uses diazepam which she also sometimes can give me when I feel really bad. I know the medication benzodiazepines can be addictive but when you use it whenever you need it I guess it’s okay. I mean why are people always saying those bad and negative stuff about using medication for a mental illness when there are people taking medication for their physical health every day? There has to be no difference in this.

I know I’m doing bad because I don’t leave the house often. I can’t sleep good at night and my routine is a mess. I get anxious outside sometimes seeing so much people. Last week I went to a shopping mall and I got anxious in the bus twice. It felt like I couldn’t breath. I was happy to go outside the bus and walk home with my mother. I’m just always so afraid to get a panic attack because it’s the worst. I don’t want to go through that again. The thing is that the more I worry about that, the more it will likely to happen I think. I’m just so anxious about going to the dentist. I think that’s also now the underlying reason of all my anxiety. I keep postponing it when I have an appointment next month in Spain. I’m the most afraid to loose control and to experience a panic attack. I’m so done with experiencing the waves of anxiety. I’m still struggling with finding a job too as I don’t know how to face people and get only rejections. I just want to hide in my bed under a blanket forever. Unfortunately, I know that can’t happen but I still do it most of the time.

I really don’t know what to do to move forward in my life. I lost my hope and will to live. I’m not in crisis and I know I won’t do anything to harm myself. I just don’t know how to come out of this black hole I’m in. Anxiety keeps me from doing the things I love which means following my dreams. My whole existence cause me anxiety. Sometimes I experience anxiety for no reason. I could sit on a chair watching tv and feel that knot in my stomach and that sense of fear. It’s so hard to live your life that way. People sometimes ask me what gives me anxiety and the answer to that question is everything, this life. Sometimes I think anxiety is part of me but I have to know that I have it and that it’s not part of my personality but sometimes it feels that way.

Last night I experienced one of the worst moments of suffering from anxiety. I felt nauseous and was afraid to throw up. That always cause me even more anxiety because I keep thinking no don’t throw up. I had cold and hot flashes. I felt so bad, so bad. I deactivated FB again as social media only give me more anxiety right now and can’t deal with it. I wrote a message on FB of how I was doing and got some nice caring comments from people I care about but my heart was beating so fast then because I’m afraid to open up to people who know me. Here on this blog it’s different. At the end, I slept in my mother’s bed because there I feel more safe with her. I also took valium 4mg which she also takes. It helpt me feeling more calm and be able to sleep. I could finally sleep 11 hours. I just don’t know how to travel back to Holland in a few days in this state. I’m so afraid to get a panic attack or feel this way because it feels like I’m dying. Of course, I know it isn’t true but it’s just the worst thought. My mother already said how powerful our minds are. It’s so scary to be honest 😒. I wish to buy new funcional brains. If someone knows where to buy them, I will buy them in a quick second even if they have to come from Ebay China lol πŸ˜‚

I’m also a highly sensitive person who suffer from anxiety. It gets harder because I’m already so sensitive for everything. I suffer and cry more but I also love more. I can cry about everything. I get hurt easily when someone says a mean comment. I overthink a lot. I also empathize much more to other people, care about others and love deeper. I’m compassionate and creative. There are a lot of good things I also am but right now I focus too much on the negative things like I can’t do anything right in life.

Yesterday I listened to a podcast of Yoga Girl which was very inspiring and interesting. It was about how this world always value a person when we produce something. If you are working and producing to society you are worthy of love. It feels like we have to be worthy and to be seen when we are succeeding. There is so much wrong in that. I really do wish I could live a life I’m happy of and work in a job which I love but honestly right now I can’t because I’m sick. Capitalism is just so bad. We have to know that we are always worthy of love and that we aren’t alone. We are not what we produce. What matters is not what I do but who I’m. Those words of Yoga Girl sticked in my head and it relates well to this blog post. We are so much more than our jobs, the things we do in life. We are a person with feelings. We are human and we deserve all the love. We are not less than someone else just because we aren’t studying/working because we are physically, mentally or chronically ill. It’s not our fault.

I really wish to get better one day as it’s so exhausting to go through life while feeling anxious all the time. Recovery isn’t lineal and takes a lot of time. I just really don’t like to feel nauseous, dizzy, feeling like I can’t breath or feeling like I have no control over my body and mind. I also believe from what I said earlier that it’s okay to take a break from life. It’s okay to not study/work when you are ill. You deserve to take a rest. Nowadays it seems like being busy is the most important thing in life because of capitalism. It’s all about buying and doing when we just forget to live, to be still and present with our feelings and thoughts.

Always remember, we aren’t alone. We are all in this together. No matter how though life gets we will get through the other end. We will see the light after all the darkness. One step at a time.

Thank you all for reading this honest post about how I’m doing right now 😒. It took me a lot of courage to write this post. What would you advice me to do? What do you do in hard times? How are you feeling right now? I’m always here for you all. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina

Happy two year blogging anniversary! πŸŽ‰πŸŒ»βœŒοΈπŸ˜πŸŽˆπŸŽ‚

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I want to talk about something really important which is about this special day. Today my blog turned two years old! πŸŽ‰ I’m so happy about it and also feel very proud of this accomplishment. To be honest I always get easily bored and also quit easily when things get hard. I’m happy that I sticked around and never gave up on blogging because it makes me so happy. I wouldn’t know where I would be without my blog. I can’t believe how fast time is going by. They always say time flies when you are having fun and that’s definitely true. I will share you in this post some of the reasons why I started blogging, some words about my appreciation for you all and some funny statistics like I did last year in this blog post πŸ’•.

Yeahhh the official announcement! πŸ˜πŸŽ‰
The collage I made for all of you! 😍

I’m just so happy that I kept blogging and never stopped. I used to blog more but now I prefer to post 4 or 5 times a month. I don’t have another blogging schedule. I prefer to post just when I have inspiration and want to. I never want to turn my blog in something that I have to do. I do it because it’s fun and I love it. Blogging makes me so happy. I love to interact with you all. I never knew that I would meet so many amazing and beautiful people like you all are 😍 You all mean the world to me. I really wouldn’t know what I would do without you all.

I also always felt the need to write πŸ“ . I have loved writing since I have been little. I used to write in a diary when I was younger. I still have so many journals and notebooks at home but I don’t use it that much. I only write there sometimes some poems or use it as scrapbook. I want to use it more or make a bullet journal. I always say that I’m going to that and at the end nothing happens πŸ˜‚. I find blogging easier to do so whenever I have some thoughts or emotions I want to let go of. I always use my blog for that.

I never knew that my blog would grow so much and would attract so many people. I love to write about mental health, self love, feminism, travel trips, photography, poetry and books. I love to not have a niche as I love to write about a lot of things. This year I wrote some book related posts such as hauls and reviews. I also love that I share almost every month a music post about the music I loved that month or new music which came out 🎢. I love to discover new music too. I would love to share more singing covers as I love to sing and I would love to share that more with you all 😍🎀. I also thought of making a YouTube channel but I still don’t know if I will ever make that happen. If anyone has any ideas of posts you want to see on my blog, please let me know.

I’m just so grateful to have you all in my life πŸ’—πŸ™ . I like that my blog is growing and that I get more followers but what’s more important than all the numbers are all the friendships I’ve made through blogging. You guys are da best and mean the most to me. I love my real life friends, pen pals and the friends I made through blogging. This community is just so powerful and so beautiful ✨. Everytime I feel my life is turning upside down and I feel like the clouds are crying with me I turn to my blog and I begin to write about everything what’s on my mind no matter how dark or heavy it’s.

You are always there for me and listen to me. I appreciate that so much. I love your advice but what I love the most is just to know that I’m not alone in my struggles and that theres’s someone who understands me and cares about me even when we never have met. I truly believe that online friends are real friends too. I can’t wait to meet you all one day. We will ALWAYS be friends ❀️🌹. I don’t say that just to say something nice. I really mean it.

I keep saying that nowadays we live in such a fake world where we are told to hide our feelings and not be vulnerable. We are told not to share our struggles because it’s better to not fall apart. Well, sometimes it’s good to fall apart and to cry. We have to let everything go. For me, singing and writing is a beautiful form of letting my thoughts go. It’s a way of healing. We all have our own ways of how to go through life. I think it’s important to have that because otherwise we hold everything in ourselves which at the end is much worse. We can’t have all our thoughts in our mind because at the end we will explode. We have to let it out in any form which works for you.

I also would like to share now some nice statistics of this blogging year. I hope you find them interesting too haha πŸ˜‚ . I have so many more views and visitors compared to last year so I’m really happy about that.

Some blogging statistics:

Followers: 379 (Last year I had 212, so I gain 167 followers yeahhh!)

Blog posts: 158

Visitors: 5239

Views: 9742 (Almost 10.000 wow!)

Best day: April the 7th, the day I got the most views

Day most popular: Friday, yeahhh weekend vibes! (19%)

Hour most popular: 9:00 PM (7%)

Some of my blog posts wich are the most popular and got the most views were:

The differences between everyday anxiety and an anxiety disorder (65 views)

Today it’s my 26th birthday forever young yeahhh (66 views)

April favourites (73 views)

Loving you is a loosing game (86 views)

Do you think it’s possible that some people are born to give more love than they will ever get back in return (534 views, this post is from September 2017 and still get so many views which I’m very proud of)

Top 10 countries that have visited my blog:

I find this such an amazing thing to look at when I look at the statistics. So many people from all over the world visit my blog 🌍. It’s crazy! I think it’s amazing. Sometimes I also see countries which I don’t know such as Swaziland, Lesotho or The European Union lol that’s not a country. I exactly know which bloggers friends visit my blog when I look at the stats haha. Thank you all so much! πŸ’•

1. United States (1682 views)

2. United Kingdom (792 views)

3. Netherlands (597 views including me when I’m there haha)

4. India (431 views)

5. Canada (294 views)

6. Spain (288 views including me)

7. Australia (218 views)

8. South Africa (151 views)

9. Ireland (144 views)

10. Philippines (86 views)

Thank you all so much for following my blog and for giving me so much love with all the comments and likes you give me. I’m thankful for all the lessons I learned this year. I still don’t know if I ever am going to earn money with blogging. What was funny one day when I was at home in Holland with my family was that my father said how you could earn money while blogging. He said that it must be something for me as he knows I love to write. I never told him as I don’t want everyone to know about my blog. I just love this safe space where I can share freely without being afraid of judgment. I love that like almost everyone on here are people who I don’t know in real life. I would love to meet you all but I just love that I can be 100% myself and be honest without thinking oh no that person knows me from this, I can’t say that. This is my blog without any filters. It’s just the truth.

However, maybe in the future I would love to upgrade my account to premium or even business to have more space and to design my blog better. First, I need money for that. I just will keep blogging my whole life. Sometimes I will blog more and sometimes less. I will always stick to be myself. I never want to impress people. I just want to help others in need and heal myself too while writing. Everyone here is welcome no matter what your religion, sexuality, race or nationality is. We are all one. We are all human. I hope you will all follow this adventure called life with the ups and the downs with me. I love you all with my whole heart β™₯.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. What do you love about my blog? What kind of changes or topics would you love to see on my blog? Do you also think that writing can heal our hearts? Do you also think that internet friends can be real friends too? Do you think we will ever meet in person? I would love to know your thoughts on this. I will keep writing from the heart. Always. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much, to infinity and beyond, to the moon and back πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸŒœπŸŒ›πŸŒŸβœ¨,

xoxo Christina

Reflection on 2018 & happy new year to you all! πŸŽ‰βœ¨πŸ’•πŸ’«

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Happy new year to you all! βœ¨πŸŽ‰ In this post I will talk about my 2018 and will show you how I celebrated New Year’s Eve. I’m glad I don’t have a cold amymore but just tonight I got my period so yeah that also sucks 😭 I’m glad I take medication for the cramps because otherwise I wouldn’t survive it. Besides, I’m also being anxious about my appointment of getting one of my wisdom teeth pulled out this week. I keep postponing the appointment. I know I have to do it but I’m so scared. H e l p. I also don’t want to do it in Holland. Here in Spain it’s much cheaper and the dentist understands my anxiety but I’m still so afraid and I just feel like I can’t cope. If anyone have some more tips to survive it I will be forever grateful πŸ™πŸ’• I can always take medication for anxiety if that’s enough to help me cope with it.

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We are already in 2019. A year has flown by. As usually I want to reflect on my year with this post and also write some important things for you all. Every year has its ups and downs. Every year consists of good things and bad things which happen to us. The most important thing is how we react to all these things. I know how hard it’s to stay positive in this sometimes dark world. I just keep believing that there are so many good things in the world and that there are indeed so many good people. You just have to find your tribe. I’m so glad I did.

I’m so happy with my blogging community, mental health community, Yoga Girl community and the goddess revolution community. I’m thankful that I joined these communities this year. They made me feel less alone and so much happier. If I’m in Holland I will maybe go to a meet up with some yoga girls. I also really wish that we will continue to all be friends and hopefully one day we will all meet ✨ I know the universe brought us all together for a reason which is to be connected with awesome people, share our struggles and feel supported.

I learned a lot this year. I learn every day from this world. This year I realized that there are truly lovely people who care about you and want you to be happy. I learned that it’s better to have a few good friends than a million of fake friends. The ones who love you will always be there for you no matter what. I learned that true love exists when I saw my brother getting married in August in Spain. I learned that this life is an adventure. Sometimes we win and sometimes we loose. We learn from every experience. I also learned that it’s okay if I’m not where I want to be in life. I still have a long way to go. I will find a career I love and will keep growing. It all takes time, pacience and trust in myself. I have to love myself, believe in myself and know that I can make my dreams come true such as working and living in Spain ✨

I also went to my first feminist strike in Valladolid, in Spain on International Women’s Day on the 8th of March with my mother. This was such an empowerful event. I never went to a demonstration before. I really wish 2019 will be the year that less women will be suffering from violence. I wish that women and men have the same human rights. Together we are starting a revolution. This is just the beginning. 2019 will be the year where women can be themselves, love themselves and love each other πŸ’•

This year I also learned that music is the best thing in life 🎢 I would be lost without music. I went to so many amazing concerts such as the OperaciΓ³n Triunfo 2017 concert in Madrid with my friend Maria πŸ’• OperaciΓ³n Triunfo makes me so happy and full of life. I also enjoyed the concert of Pablo Alboran, Chenoa, Hombres G and Celtas Cortos with my mother in Valladolid. I also enjoyed so much the concert of Sofia Ellar with my friend Maria. I can’t wait to see her again. It was so lovely to meet Sofia and get a picture with her. She’s the best and I can’t wait to see her singing again 😍

This year I began to read again a lot which I loved to do so much when I was younger. I will continue reading this new year. I also kept writing and being creative. I hope to create more amazing content on this blog. Writing is amazing. I travelled to Madrid, Granada, Santander and Somo. I discovered Somo which is a beautiful surfing village in the north of Spain. In 2019 I really want to go to a surf camp again πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠπŸŒž. I didn’t go surfing for more than two years. I miss it so much. It’s also so good for my mental health. The sea is my home and cleans my soul. The beach is my favourite place on this earth. I can’t wait to travel to more amazing places and meet more amazing people.

Somo, Santander (September 2018)

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Granada, Andalucia (July 2018)

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La RΓ‘bita, Mediterranean Sea, Granada (July 2018)

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Madrid (March 2018)

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Maybe for some of you this year was a hard year. Maybe some of you have lost someone close to you. Maybe you just didn’t felt okay and were struggling. I’m here for you. It’s okay to grief. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel sad. Feelings change and emotions change but it all takes time. Try to not be hard on yourself next year. Remember, I’ll will always be there for you πŸ’• I hope you will invest in self love and self care this new year because that’s the most important thing that matters. I also encourage you all to surround yourself with people who love you and who bring you only good vibes because you deserve that ✨.

I celebrated my New Year’s Eve in Valladolid, in Spain. I decided to not go out with my friends. I also didn’t go out last year. I used to party every year but I don’t feel in the mood anymore. I have to do what feels good to me. I went to the hairdressers in the afternoon to cut the dead ends, my bangs and they made curls in my hair. I love to look good for myself. I dressed up at home and did my make up. My mother and I went to the house of the mother of the wife of my brother. We celebrated all together New Year’s Eve: Rafael, my mother, VΓ©ronica, VΓ©ronica’s mother and her brother. We enjoyed eating delicious Spanish food.

We ate cheese, jamon serrano, chorizo, bread and chicken. I didn’t eat the fish because I don’t like fish so much haha πŸ˜‚ At 12 o’clock we watched the television and ate the 12 grapes. We also had champagne πŸ₯‚. It’s a tradition in Spain to eat the 12 grapes. They say it brings luck. We watched television where we were hearing beautiful music and we played Spanish card games. I really loved it so much. I love playing games with my family. At 3.30 am my mother and I went home and we stayed in watching some television. We went to bed at 6 am pretty late but doesn’t matter because it’s a special night. I’m glad I didn’t go out because as soon as we were home I got my period haha. On New Year’s Day we just stayed in and chilled. I saw the movie Grease. I just love that movie & the music so much 😍 I also saw the movie Paper Towns which I love so much from John Green. I already saw this movie with my best friend one day and loved it.

l wish you all an amazing new year full of love, happiness and luck πŸ€βœ¨βœŒοΈ Stay strong & stay safe. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ I love you all so so so much ❀️. Thank you all for reading. How was your New Year’s Eve? Did you stay at home or did you went to a party? Which are your goals or dreams to achieve in 2019? I would love to know. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

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Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Epiphany: I don’t want to be seen

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I just need to talk about a topic which is coming into my mind these last weeks. It’s also making me very anxious. I’m going to talk about how my blog is my safe space and how anxious I’m that people in real life find my blog. The thought makes me very uncomfortable. I’m going to talk about a epiphany I had. It’s a realization I have had for so long. I was even looking for making this blog private when people told me they found my blog but I don’t think that would be fun. I love the interaction with my community, the traffic of new followers and finding new inspirational blogs πŸ’–πŸ™.

A week ago I got a lovely mail from the mother of Lisa. I wrote about her loss in this blog post: Life is fragile. She died from Leucemia at just 28 years old. I also went to her cremation with my mother in October. I’m still very proud of myself that I went as I have such a huge fear of death and never went before to a funeral. Her mother wrote me such a beautiful and touching mail. I got really anxious after I knew that her family knew about my blog. They have read everything and if they are reading this: Hi lovelies ❀️. They are such a lovely family and can of course read my blog posts. I care about them and love them very much. She said I wrote so beautiful about her daughter. I was just so touched by this story and cried a lot about her loss. I even didn’t know her that well but our choir members are always so connected.

I know why I’m anxious about people finding my blog. I know my blog is public but just the thought of real life people finding my blog makes me want to hide in bed and hide from the world forever. Why do you think? I already shared that I have been bullied during high school. I’m so afraid of any bullies finding my blog. Just as I’m reading a book about how to cope with anxiety I felt more calm. I also took some anti anxiety medications a week ago because I couldn’t cope. I was overthinking all the time 😒. I’m worth it and I’m enough. I tried to change my thoughts from negative to more realistic and positive thoughts. I’m also learning that in an online chat which I take with people who are also struggling with that. It really helps me to feel a bit more peaceful πŸ™βœ¨πŸ’•

I have to know that not everyone would even care about reading my blog. I also don’t even have contact with all those bad people anymore. The family of Lisa is so lovely and also another man from the choir who I always feel calm and happy with. I just have to surround myself with people who gets me and supports me πŸ’–

It’s just that this blog and also my Instagram Seaofwordsblog is a safe space for me. It’s the only space I go to when I feel sad, anxious, happy or inspired. It’s a place where I go to when I’m crying and just need to let my feelings out and write about my thoughts. This is the only space where I’m 100% honest, vulnerable and authentic. I don’t want to be afraid all the time of people who I know finding my blog. I wouldn’t be able to write anymore about anything.

The mother of Lisa also read about my anxiety. She don’t judge me and understands me. I felt so loved reading her mails. I was also looking for tickets for the Christmas concert for this weekend in the cathedral. I used to sing in that choir. Then I got an email back that I could have the tickets for free. That’s really so sweet of them πŸ’•. I’m always happy to see my choir singing but also feel anxious that I get a panic attack or feel anxious in the church. There are just some experiences in my choir which made me feel anxious and insecure. I got bullied there and I also felt like I wasn’t good enough. When one time I sang a solo, they preferred that someone else had to sing it. Again a confirmation that I’m just not good enough even for singing when it’s one of my biggest passions in life. I also got a sh*t teacher who once said that I was going to get bullied in high school. Well, that happened. F*ck it πŸ˜”. Maybe, one day I will go to see some of my choir members who are nice to me but I still feel anxious about going.

I didn’t went to the Christmas concert because of this fear and also because it always bring up memories from the past with my ex boyfriend πŸ’”. Long story short, I met my first love when I was 17 years old during a choir tour in Cambridge in UK. The same city where my parents also met each other but they are still together for more than 40 years πŸ˜‚ Their love story ended well. He broke up with me when I was 19 years old during Christmas. It’s already 6 years ago and I’m over him but I still think that you can’t be completely over your first love. Every time I see my choir singing I get emotional because of these memories. I’m feeling a bit guilty now that I didn’t went because I got free tickets and some people were happy to see me but maybe I can go to another concert or go to the church at Christmas eve which I do often. My mother went alone to the concert. Maybe, I will just have to face this fear but it’s so hard for me 😭

Lately, I’m just so afraid of seeing someone I know in public. I don’t want everyone to know about my anxiety or getting asked questions about what I’m doing with my life. I’m living and surviving okay. I don’t know what I’m doing with life. I just know that this blog is everything for me. If you take this away from me I would feel even more hopeless and anxious. Here I can be vulnerable, open and honest without feeling judgment. I love this blogging and mental health community so much. It’s everything for me πŸ’•.

I think I just have to stop thinking about whether people in real life will find my blog or not. I’m safe here and will continue sharing my journey of coping with an anxiety disorder, the daily struggles and hardships of life and all the good things in life. I have to stop being scared all the time of people and about what they would think of me. It’s just really hard because I don’t trust many people anymore only my good friends, my online friends, online communities and my family. It’s so hard for me to find new friends or people because I’m always so scared to get bullied again or that someone will hurt me. I can’t deal with that anymore in life so I stay away from people, isolate myself and live in my own peaceful world with my music, blog, books, movies, postcasts and hide away from the real world 🌍.

I know the biggest reason why I don’t want to see anyone I know on the streets is that I just don’t want to be seen. I just always want to hide away in my bed, room or house. I know it isn’t that good but it’s really part of who I’m. People think I’m that outgoing social girl but I’m only crazy, completely myself and comfortable when I know you well. We have to best friends or good friends before I can trust you. I’ve always been that girl who never want to be in the center of attention. My father even said to me that I used to hide myself in boxes when I was a child πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚ I see where that’s coming from. When I was a teenager I would hide myself in a wardrobe when there was a visit. Nowadays, I hide myself in my bed covered with blankets and stuffed animals. Not much has changed just the place of were I’m hiding myself hahaha omg πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈπŸ€£ I’m always playing hide and seek in life.

I just am getting an epiphany. I love that word which Yoga Girl use so much. A few years ago I had some therapy sessions and also this lovely woman said to me that I just don’t want to be seen. That was also the reason why I always got uncomfortable, anxious, nauseous and even vommited times before I had to go to talk to her. I’m afraid to ask for help and support because I don’t want to be seen or take any space in this world.

It feels good to come to this realization because this is something I’m struggling all my life with. I’m always escaping from everything I fear in life simply because I want to hide away and I don’t want to do it. That’s it. I really hope with taking little baby steps forward I can change this in 2019 and the upcoming years. If I need more support as in therapy for my anxiety disorder then I have to take that step and do it even if I feel so scared. I have to let myself seen to get better in coping with anxiety and just in general in life. I can do it πŸ’ͺ. I only have to let myself seen and not hide in boxes, wardrobes or a bed anymore haha πŸ˜‚ That’s sounds like really simple but it will be difficult. I have to know that not everyone is going to judge me. I can speak up and be myself in this world. This blog is already such a big step for me to be seen in this world and I’m so damn proud I made this blog πŸ’• I will continue this amazing adventure with all of you ✨

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you can all understand my story. It felt good to write this as I was beginning to realize many things going on in my life. Can you relate to my story? Are you also afraid of people you know finding your blog? Do you also struggle with letting yourself seen in life? How do you cope with it? Let me know in the comments. I would love to hear your thoughts and if you have any tips for me they are also appreciated πŸ’—.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

November goals 🍁

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I will introduce something new on my blog. Maybe I will do these kinds of blog posts every month. I’m never organised in my life so also not on my blog. My zodiac sign is gemini so I always get easily bored πŸ˜‚.We will see if I will make this blog post an every month thing haha. I saw many bloggers making these kind of lists so it inspired me to do one too. Today I will write about my November goals and explain them. Hopefully, this will also motivate me to keep going and to achieve them. I have always loved to make lists. It keeps my mind a little bit organised in all the messy thoughts.

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  • Make a lot of amazing blog posts

I have some drafts and also ideas in my head of writing great content for my blog. I just need to get started, write, create and post. I’m planning to do a book review post for the first time of some amazing books I just read. I also am thinking to share some singing covers and plan to share other amazing things for Christmas.

  • Make a wish list for Sinterklaas/Christmas/Three Kings Day

In The Netherlands we celebrate Sinterklaas on the 5th of December. We always celebrate it on the weekend. They say Sinterklaas came from Spain to The Netherlands on a boat to give the children presents. We have some bags of Sinterklaas where we put all the presents inside and then on that day we unwrap the presents. I really love this festive so much. In Spain we have Three Kings Day which is on the 6th of January. They also give presents to the kids. Of course, I also have Santa Claus so yeah three times that I’m getting presents haha yessss 🎁. I always make a wish list of two pages almost  and I use it all year around so also for my birthday. I want to finish it this month and give it to my family so that they know which presents I want.

I made these pictures this week at the shopping mall in Haarlem near to my house. You can see Sinterklaas. They always decorate it for December.

  • Keep applying for jobs

I applied for a job in Spain but unfortunately they aren’t looking for people right now. They said that the will save my CV and get back to me when they have a job for me. I also applied for working for the surf brand O’Neill in Madrid, in Spain but I didn’t got any response back. It will take some time. I also applied for a job here in Holland to work in a surf shop but I also didn’t got any response back. Even though working makes me trigger my anxiety I will keep looking for jobs in Spain. I will just keep applying and search on websites which would help me. Maybe, I could also apply for part time jobs here in Holland for the period before Christmas. I just wish my father won’t push me and leave me alone because it only makes the search of looking for work much worse.

  • Ask for help when I need it

Lately I’ve been feeling very lonely and also struggle much more with my anxiety  because of the anxiety about finding a job. Even though I still take my antidepressants and anti anxiety medication when I need it, I still feel that maybe it isn’t enough. Maybe, I really need to go to therapy to get better. I would prefer to do it in Spain because I also got subscriped for my medication there. I don’t know what to do and I also don’t know if therapy would really help me. Two years ago I had 7 sessions in Holland but it wasn’t real therapy. I had to vomit every time I had to go and it even made my anxiety worse…. I just need to ask for help when I need it. I feel that I’m isolating myself and not asking for what I really need. Even though maybe not everyone will agree with my decicions I need to do what’s good for me and my health.

  • Finish the book The sun and her flowers from Rupi Kaur

I have to finish reading this amazing book this month. This is also going to be one of the books which I’m writing about in my first book review post. I can already say that I love this book so much. I love poetry books. Rupi Kaur is just such an amazing writer 😍

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  • Have a friends reunion in a tapas restaurant in Haarlem

I already saw my best friend twice since I’m back in Holland and my other good friend Shams also twice as she stayed at my home last week. There are still some good friends I didn’t see so I’m planning a great night with my friends on the 24th of November. We are going to eat in the same tapas restaurant where we went last year. The tapas are more expensive than in Spain but are also so delicious. The restaurant is called El Pincho. The service is perfect and it’s really cozy inside. I can’t wait to eat there with my friends and have an amazing night all together.

  • Go to Glow Eindhoven with my mother and see my brother, his wife and my niece

Glow Eindhoven is a light festival which begins on the 10th of November and ends on the 17th of November. Whenever I’m in Holland I always go with my mother. I really love it so much. All these buildings are covered with lights and there are light shows. It’s just really so amazing to see. I hope that I will go this year again in the weekend of 16th November. I also can’t wait to see my brother Edward, Elke and their little girl Noanne. I’m happy to annouce that Edward and Noanne are coming also this Saturday to our home. I’m really looking forward to it. I didn’t see them since the wedding of Rafael and VerΓ³nica in Spain which was in August. If I go to the light festival then I will of course take a lot of pictures and maybe share them in a blog post.

These are some pictures from Glow Eindhoven a few years ago. I made the picture on the right. It’s just beautiful to see all the lights and the light show projected on different buildings in Eindhoven such as on the church.

  • Begin with writing Christmas cards

I always send and give a lot of Christmas cards. Some years I made more than 50 and send them all over the world to people which I know. This year I’m writing much less just 29 haha. I already made the list. Last year I also got only 15 cards back so I will only write this year to good friends and to my family. I don’t want to do that much effort to get nothing back you know. I also love to receive Christmas cards. Sometimes I make them myself but now I already bought many Christmas cards. I bought some nice washi tape, a lot of stickers and pens. I will show it to you all soon in a blog post. I want to begin this month already with writing them so that they will arrive on time and that I can be done with it because it takes a lot of work. I really love to make it personal πŸ’ŒπŸŽ„.

  • Meet a new friend from the Yoga Girl Community on Facebook

I made some friends of the Yoga Girl Community on Facebook. One girl is really nice and we are hopefully going to meet up this month. I find it nice to meet people who are openminded, caring and understand me. It’s nice to find new friends to hang out with and have fun with. It’s also lovely that at the same time you can share your fears, struggles and insecurities too.

  • Opening up to people I know

Last weekend I went to my neighbours with my good friend Shams and my parents and I really love them so much. I used to go alone sometimes too to talk with them. I talked a lot with the women because she just understands me so well. She’s also a highly sensitive person and also understands my anxiety disorder and everything. She already said that I’m welcome to come to chat again with her. Maybe, I’m going again this month to open up about my struggles. I’m just anxious always because I feel like I’m going to cry but it’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay.

I also need to go to my choir once on a Friday after my choir is done with choir practice. There’s this lovely man which I have contact with and always is there for me. His daughter from 5 years old has neuroblastoma cancer and is fortunately doing a lot better now but isn’t officially cancer free. I always talked a lot about my life, fears, anxiety and just everything with him. The last time I saw him was during the cremation of Lisa. Then he wrote me a message on Facebook that he would loved to talk more with me. I really have to go once and open up.

Opening up still feels soooo hard for me. You all may think I’m open but yeah on the internet I’m that open person but in real life I have a hard time to open up. Of course, find it a bit easier to open up to people I know than to complete strangers. Also not everyone has to know your story. Just the people you know they will care about you. I think these talks will do me good and also make me feel a bit better. It’s good to know that there are people who care about you and love you.

So, these were all my goals for November. I hope to achieve them all of course πŸ˜„. Can you relate to this list? What are your November goals? Let me know in the comments. I wish you all a happy November full of happiness, love and luck. Together we will motivate each other to achieve our November goals πŸ’ͺ.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina