It’s okay to not be okay πŸŒΉ

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

I wanted to write a blog post with a Summer theme or other happy blog post that I was thinking about but today I just can’t. If I did that I wouldn’t be real on this blog. I always want to be real, honest and authentic. I also don’t like to spread negative vibes here but it always feel good to just write about your feelings and thoughts that you bother with. Journalling is so good for your mental health. I love to write because after I write in my journal or on my blog I feel much better. Writing is a beautiful form of healing. This is my safe space to always be able to share what I’m feeling or thinking at the moment. I wrote this last night and shared it on my Instagram of @seaofwordsblog.

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I just don’t feel okay right now. I love this poem from @rmdrk πŸ’• Robert M Drake is one of my favourite poetry writers. I have been crying all night. I think too much about everything, feel stressed which makes my mind go crazy and result in crying. I also find it hard to sleep lately because it’s so hot. What makes me crying is because my parents just don’t understand me. I’m now with my mother here in Spain and my father is in The Netherlands. My father asked in an email to my mother when would be a good time to return to the Netherlands and now he just booked a flight at the end of September. I got angry and cried at my mother because I just don’t wanna go back. I know one day I have to go to get all my stuff because maybe my parents are going to move to Spain. We have one house in The Netherlands and an appartment in Spain. I don’t like that my parents push me to do things I don’t want. I’m 25 years old, not a baby anymore…. You just can’t force me.

I just don’t wanna go back to The Netherlands. I want to look for a job here in Spain. I always prefered Spain over the Netherlands. I love the culture, the delicious food tapas and the lovely people. Spain is just so beautiful 😍My anxiety is getting in my way to look for a job but maybe I just have to jump outside of my comfortzone. I would love to find a job here in Valladolid but for many public jobs you have to take an exam and study for it. I would love to just apply for a job without doing that exam. Maybe, I have to go to Madrid or Barcelona but I don’t know many people there and I’m a bit afraid to be alone in a city. I like to be with my family too. I know they will be there for me too so it’s a bit a contrast. These are all thoughts that keep me up at night. I already wrote about this a few months ago Bad feelings & thoughts 😒. I really don’t like that my parents push me. I said to my mother that I’m not going back and will look for a job. Of course, I like to see my family and friends in The Netherlands and there will also be a party for my brother Rafael and Veronica’s wedding. I just don’t know what to do right now. I don’t want any fights but I also think that this is my life. The only one who is going to live it, it’s me. I just don’t like to be pressured. It makes me anxious and sad. Sometimes life can be though but we always have to remember to turn the light on. I think I’m also feeling bad because of my period and having cramps. Thank god I take Aleve Feminax naproxen for the cramps. This helps me soooo much. Magic pills πŸ˜‚πŸ’Š .

I also have a lot of back pain lately. I think that’s because everytime I feel tense all the bad energy goes there. I really wanna take some yoga lessons this Summer. That will help me so much. I can’t wait to go swimming outside in the pools here in Spain. I enjoy that so much. I would love to be in the water all the time because that’s the only thing which calms me 100%. I’m a mermaid πŸŠπŸŒŠπŸ„πŸŒž I can’t wait to go surfing and to go to the ocean too. The ocean is my home. Hopefully, I will live one day near to the beach. I can only dream of waking up and seeing and hearing the waves 😍

This is just a reminder for all of you that’s okay to not be okay. Sometimes you have to let all your emotions out. It isn’t good to bottle everything up. I do that so many times and then when I begin to cry about one thing, I end up crying about everything. Your feelings are valid. There are still so many amazing things to experience in life. We all have to take it day by day especially those who suffer from a mental illness like me with anxiety. Looking too much in the future will only increase my fear. Taking it day by day is much better. Remember, we’re all in this together ❀πŸ’ͺ You are not alone. You are loved. You are worth it. This life is sometimes really hard, though and a complete mess but also beautiful. Take care of yourselves. I hope I can sleep right now. Crying makes me always so tired.

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Today, I feel a bit better. I slept really well and enough. I just have to do what feels good to me. If I find a job before September then I can stay in Spain. Maybe, my parents wouldn’t say nothing then. I could pay the flight if I’m not going back. Do you also relate to my words? Do you also feel pressured sometimes by your family or other people? I appreciate any advice because it will sure will help me a lot.

I love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Bad feelings & thoughts πŸ˜’

Hey beautiful people ❀,

I wrote this last night. I wanted to write a travel blog post about Madrid but will share that another time. I feel really bad right now and I just had to share it somewhere so I thought my blog would be the best way to share what I’m experiencing right now in my life. Since June 2017 I’m living with my mother in Valladolid, in Spain. My parents aren’t divorced. My father is living in The Netherlands. My mother is in Spain because she is busy doing a dental implant. I graduated college in August but got my official degree in December 2017, just 3 months ago. I’m searching for a job well in fact I’m searching but not applying and I’m not telling anyone that. As you know from my blog, I suffer from anxiety for like my whole life.

Since February 2017 I take 20 mg of antidepressants Lantanon and I also got subscriped a benzo when I feel really high anxiety. I almost don’t experience that anymore but I still suffer from anxiety. Maybe, I will forever suffer from anxiety but just have to learn how to cope with it. Back to the point why I write this blog post. My father came to visit us in November and it was all well. In December 2017, my mother and I went to The Netherlands to celebrate Christmas with the whole family which was awesome. Now, my father is here again for like two weeks. He leaves the 31 of March. Right now, I’m my room of the appartment and just can’t stop crying. I get along much better with my mum than with my dad. I just feel like I can tell my mum everything without any form of judgment or being anxious. She always understands me and supports me. I can always tell her secrets which she doesn’t tell my dad because otherwise he would get angry.

My father had an acute pancreatitis when I was 11 years old. He has been going to hospitals for 5 years. He got many operations and was really sick. Right now, he has diabetis. I know I love him and was afraid of loosing him. I have a good relationship with both of my parents but there’s still something with my dad that just never clicks. Right now, I feel the need to run away from home. Everything was okay until today he was talking about the fact that I have to go to the dentist. I already have for like two years caries in one of my wisdom teeth and also one of my wisdom teeth is not growing well… that kind of problems. I have a huge fear of dentists. I think he just don’t understand that.

Once I had to go to a special dentist clinic in The Netherlands to do a root canal treatment. When I was 11 years old I fall down on one of my teeth. If I didn’t do the root canal treatment a few years ago, my tooth would get infected. I’m a highly sensitive person which means that I’m extremely sensitive for everything. I felt anxious for months before this treatment. The day before I almost didn’t sleep and felt so nauseous. The first day I went to get to know this special dentist he said that I’m childish and am like 15 years old. Since that point, my fear of the dentist became extremly high. When I went to do this treatment it didn’t hurt and he didn’t say anything wrong to me again. That comment before made me feel so bad and anxious like I almost couldn’t breath. I said to my parents that I was going to the beach alone. I couldn’t stop crying. After that day, I still went to the root canal treatment which was in a few months. I remember that on the day itself I took valium and felt so dizzy and my father just didn’t understand it.

It’s just like now. He just said you must go to the dentist. I know I have to go so that I will not have problems and no infection but I fucking suffer from anxiety. Pushing me to do something which scares me as hell isn’t helping me at all. He is just blaming me for not taking care of myself and for not listening to him. Afterwards, he said I don’t mind what my children are doing with their lives. If you have problems with your tooth, you will have to pay it by yourself. I’ve a bit of savings but not much because I don’t work…. Maybe he was just being grumpy and I make everything in my mind 10000 worse than it’s but that’s me…. I’m also afraid he is going to push me with the fact that I don’t have a job. Once in December 2017, he said like yeah you have to do something for it, it doesn’t come on it’s own. It just always feel like I’m worthless and lazy and can’t get my life together. It’s not that I don’t want go to the dentist or get a job. I suffer from anxiety and am a highly sensitive person. For me those daily activities which for some people are easy, are for me very hard and difficult. Right now, I feel again that feeling like my life is worthless. I didn’t shared those feelings these last months with you all. I’m so sorry but I don’t want to make this blog an unhappy place.

I have never been suicidal but thoughts of my life is worthless and what’s the point of it all and why I’m not good enough are sometimes in my head. Right now, they are. My father also said that he doesn’t care what his children will do with their lives. We were talking about if I would marry an older men. I said that I wouldn’t do that. He said he wouldn’t like it and then I said something like it’s my life and I’m like 25 years old on the first of June and then he said angry like he doesn’t care if I don’t go to the dentist and it’s my life blablabla. My father always have had a hard character and could get angry really fast. He changed a lot but I’m still afraid. I dislike that so much and can’t stand it because I always feel below him. One of my brothers ran away from house because he only was fighting with my dad and they never were on one line. My brother was wearing long hair and didn’t want to finish high school and my father couldn’t stand it and then there would be a fight. I know running away is not an option and they were both wrong. My father didn’t talk or saw my brother for like 3 years. Now, everything is allright again. I’m really happy about that. My other brother had problems with my father because of not doing enough at home/having his own routine and then my father would make a calendar and cross every day until the day he had to leave our house.

This all makes me so scared. I feel my heart beating really fast. I don’t want to experience that. I told this all to a kinda social worker where I went for some therapy sessions a few years ago in The Netherlands. She said that I wouldn’t have to be afraid because he won’t do that to a girl like he is more protective. She also said to me that I’m not my parents and that this is my life. She also explained to me that most of all when a person is angry this person is not feeling good about themselves and then acts angry to you. I guess I agree with that because when my father has high diabetis he can also act kinda strange and grumpy. I hope I can have one day a home, get a nice job, pay my own bills and hopefully have a soulmate which who I can share my life with and have a family with. All I want is to be happy. I love both of my parents so much but I just don’t like that my father doesn’t understand me, blame me for everything which cause me anxiety. Right now, I can’t wait till I can peacefully live with my mother again. When I had a boyfriend I didn’t tell them one day that I slept in a hotel. When they knew it, my father was angry for one month and didn’t talk to me and said that I’m a whore. He also don’t like when I wear a red lipstick. He also judges people who wear tattoos. I really dislike that.

You can be who you want to be and follow the dreams you want to achieve. Never let anyone judge you, also not your parents. You are perfect just the way you are. I’m feeling a bit better now I’ve written this piece of text. Crying and writing are such important healing tools. Let it all go…. It’s just I really love my parents and all what they do for me but I can’t stand this behaviour and it has a big effect on my anxiety. It makes it so much worse. I hope I didn’t ramble too much but I just felt the need to write this because I’m feeling bad, anxious and sad right now. Have you ever experienced this or something similar? Feel free to comment. If you know some tips feel free to comment aswell. Nothing works in this situation. I always just hide myself, cry and ignore and say yes even though I don’t agree on points…..

Thank you all for making my life better and this world a better place to live in.

I love you all, my community ❀

xoxo Christina

Crying is not a sign of weaknessΒ 

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’ž,

Today I wanna talk about a subject which I can relate to in so many ways. Today I wanna talk about crying and why crying is not a sign of weakness but a beautiful strength. I really do think crying is such a beautiful emotion. We are born with this emotion. The moment we are born, we cry. It’s a sign of being alive and letting everything out. 

I’m a highly sensitive person. Highly sensitive persons have nervous systems that are more sensitive than others and they process things more deeply. In other words, they feel more and love more. About 20% of the population has this personality trait. I just feel every emotion way more intense than people who aren’t highly sensitive. I love more but I also suffer way more intensly. This can feel sometimes so overwhelming. That’s why crying helps me to release emotions so much. It’s a way of letting all the things which I have been holding on to for so long out of my body. Just let it all go.


However, people can be so mean and judge people when they are crying all the time. I know, I cry so much all the time but I can’t help it. It’s the just the way I’m made. During high school when I got bullied, people used to call me cry baby and being childish. This really hurt me because I can’t change it. Now, I don’t care anymore if people would say that to me because I’m always being my authentic self and crying is part of me. If you don’t like that I’m crying and judge me for being senstive, then I guess we aren’t gonna be friends.

I also dislike people who say girls can only cry and if boys cry it’s weird and blahblahblah. Boys can cry too. Boys are human beings and have emotions too, remember?! They don’t have to feel ashamed when they are crying. They don’t have to be the strong man who never cries. That’s bullshit. Be a real man and cry because you deserve to let it all out. Your feelings are valid and real. You deserve to be treated with respect.

I also can’t stand people who just assume that someone who is crying is just overreacting and is seeking for attention. Hell yeah, I’m crying because someone has died or because I got a bad mark for an exam and you think I’m seeking attention?! Just fuck off man. Well, maybe the one who is crying is holding everything to theirselves and just want someone who cares about them and won’t judge them for once.


Crying isn’t a sign of weakness. Crying is a sign of strength because you have been holding all your feelings to yourself instead of letting them out. Crying release all the pain, struggles and tense you have been feeling for so long. I think crying is one of the best emotions ever. You cry and suddenly you feel so much lighter. It’s just an amazing feeling. Sometimes a good cry can help you to feel better again and have a more clearer view in life.


I also think crying of happiness is such a weird and beautiful thing. I had times in my life where I was so happy that I had to cry like at the wedding of my brother Edward. It was just such an amazing and beautiful moment that I was feeling so emotional and so happy that I had to cry. Do you also had a moment in your life where you cried of happiness? I would love to know it in my comment section.

When I felt really bad anxiety I cried and sometimes it really helped me to feel better again. I had times in life where I woke up crying and went to bed crying and spend the whole day crying. Those were really bad times where crying didn’t help me but made me feel even more miserable. That was because of high anxiety which made me feel so bad and depressed. Fortunately, thanks to taking my antidepressants I don’t have that anymore. I cry less and when I cry it helps me release my emotions and not making me feel worse. I feel better when I have had a good cry because aaaarghhh it just feel so good to let all your emotions out of your body with crying. Tears taste as salt like the sea. They say that salt helps you to release pain and it’s just so true. 


So, if you need to cry, have a good cry ❀ You are not being weak. You are so strong for holding everything to yourself. Break the walls and cry. Let it all go. You deserve to feel lighter and happy again. You don’t have to hold everything to yourself. You are going to be okay again. Every tear which is falling right now will make you a stronger and better person. You don’t have to be okay and strong all the time. Let it all go and find peace in your heart. The universe has your back πŸ’«β­

And remember, we are all in this together πŸ’ž

I love you all πŸ’œπŸ’œ

xoxo Christina

We have to feel the pain in order to move on in lifeΒ 

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

​I once made this quote and wrote it in my journal πŸ’­βœ’. I mean it’s just so true. 

We can feel an intense pain during hard times such as a when we get our heart broken or suffer from a loss of a loved one. We feel as if we can’t survive so much pain. Sometimes we try do ignore this pain because we think that if we have to feel this pain it will be just too much to handle. There will be too much tears. So, we try to escape. We try to escape in alcohol, bad relationships, social media, just anything to not feel this pain. We try to be numb instead of feeling our emotions.

This isn’t the way to heal yourself. You have to feel the pain in order to heal yourself from the unbelievable pain you are escaping from. It sounds strange but it really is the only way to feel better. If you are angry, be angry. If you feel the need to cry, cry as much as you want. If you feel alone, talk with a loved one about your feelings.

Within time, this pain will slowly fade away. Trust me, you will be okay again. It just take time. I experienced a really awful heartbreak. The person who loved me for two years left me heartbroken. I couldn’t think that the person who said he would never leave me wouldn’t keep his promise. I tried to escape in dating other boys, getting used, having more anxiety, feeling even worse about myself and drinking the pain away. This never worked out well for me… πŸ’” I wish I knew it before I did all of this. 

However, I learned from it. I stopped escaping from the pain and I let myself cry whenever I want to escape from the pain. I tried to do things which made me happy like reading, writing, blogging and travelling. I also talked with good friends and family about my feelings. All this made me feel so much happier than before πŸ’«πŸ™

So, please don’t escape from your pain. Feel the pain in order to move in life. The pain will not last forever. You will be okay my lovelies πŸ’•

Much love,

xoxo