World Mental Health Day 2020 💚💪

Hey lovelies 💕,

Today is World Mental Health Day. Mental health is important every damn day. Mental health is as important as physical health. Today I want to share a poem about mental health. I’m here for you all 🙏💞. This year is even harder for all of us because of being more isolated this year. More people died by suicide and are struggling with their mental health because of the pandemic. I definitely feel this year is really such a struggle. It’s important that we all help each other.

Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness on a daily basis. I can say that we are done about speaking up. It’s time to change the whole mental health care system. The waiting lists are too long, the help is too late at times and there are no funds for good treatments. This is a worldwide issue which definitely need to change in all countries. Voting a political party which listen to our needs could make a change. There needs to be done so much in our society until everyone can get the help they need whenever they need it.

I’m so thankful for the support I have here online. I love the blogging mental health community. I love the support I get from my family especially my mother. She knows how to care for me and love me especially on the days I feel bad. I love my friends, pen pals and online friends so much too. I take anti anxiety meds when I need them like when I go to the dentist, have to fly or any other situation which makes me anxious and out of control. Everyone deals with it on their own way. There’s no right way. I don’t know whether I will go therapy once and that would help me. It’s also not okay to push someone into doing something they don’t think would help. Healing and recovery isn’t linear and it different for everyone. I think sometimes we just have to find a way with living with it. Writing, doing yoga, blogging, singing, listening to music, being with my loved ones, walks in nature, the sea, surfing, reading, meditation, speaking with someone I trust are all important tools that make me feel better. I hope you also have some great resources that will help you in your life. Mental health illnesses are so complexed, different and hard to treat. I guess at one point it will get better. We have to fight for that day and stay together.

This is the most vulnerable video I made. It’s a spoken poem for today. I hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggle and know that we are all in this together ❤️💪 I love you all so much.

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Today it's World Mental Health Day. This has to be every day and not just one day in a year. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness on a daily basis. I can say that we are done about speaking up. It's time to change the whole mental health care system. The waiting lists are too long, the help is too late at times and there are no funds for good treatments. This is a worldwide issue which definitely need to change in all countries. Voting a political party which listen to our needs could make a change. There needs to be done so much in our society until everyone can get the help they need whenever they need it. This is the most vulnerable video I made. It's a spoken poem for today. I hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggle and know that we are all in this together ❤️💪 I love you all so much. I close my eyes All I see and feel is darkness I feel lost I'm not myself anymore My chest feels tight I'm breathing faster My heart rate is racing So many thoughts about the future I'm nauseous I'm getting dizzy Cold Warm I'm getting crazy Why can't I just feel like a normal person? I began to cry What's happening to me? This is what it feels to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks It's the worst 1 of 5 people suffer on a daily basis with their mental health Depression, bipolar, borderline, eating disorder, psychoses, anxiety, ocd Any person can suffer from one or more of them They all matter No matter your nationality, gender, age, race Mental illnesses are real There's no need to shame What we need is compassion, support and respect A better mental health system Every illness counts Time is ticking It's time to save lives Change the mental health care system We don't want more deaths We want better treatments available for all Because We all deserve to feel safe, loved and get the help we need whenever we need it Our time is now Let's all fight for a better system and society We are not alone We are all in this together always 💪❤️ We are warriors 💪 Love you all Amen ❤️🙏

A post shared by Sea of words 🌊 (@seaofwordsblog) on

I close my eyes
All I see and feel is darkness
I feel lost
I’m not myself anymore
My chest feels tight
I’m breathing faster
My heart rate is racing
So many thoughts about the future
I’m nauseous
I’m getting dizzy
Cold
Warm
I’m getting crazy
Why can’t I just feel like a normal person?
I began to cry
What’s happening to me?

This is what it feels to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks
It’s the worst
1 of 5 people suffer on a daily basis with their mental health
Depression, bipolar, borderline, eating disorder, psychoses, anxiety, ocd
Any person can suffer from one or more of them
They all matter
No matter your nationality, gender, age, race
Mental illnesses are real
There’s no need to shame
What we need is compassion, support and respect
A better mental health system
Every illness counts
Time is ticking
It’s time to save lives
Change the mental health care system
We don’t want more deaths
We want better treatments available for all
Because
We all deserve to feel safe, loved and get the help we need whenever we need it
Our time is now
Let’s all fight for a better system and society
We are not alone
We are all in this together always 💪❤️
We are warriors 💪
Love you all
Amen ❤️🙏

Remember, you are never alone. Like Ram Dass says, we are walking each other home. We are here for each other. I really wouldn’t know where I would be without all of you. My blog. My safe space. It’s so good to have a place where you feel like you can be yourself. I never felt this way before. I have always felt the feeling that I don’t belong anywhere. I never felt at home until I went to NYC and spoke at the United Nations and when I did my internship in Valladolid. Those places reminded me that good people exists. I also never felt at home until I began this blog. I didn’t knew so many awesome, inspirational and good people exists. Sometimes we forget it because of all what’s going on in the world. When there’s so much negative news we sometimes go into a dark hole and can only see the negative side of this world. I’m happy that thanks to blogging I know there are so many people who want you to be happy, healthy and will support you along your way.

Thank you a million times for always being there for me. There will be good and hard times in life. As long as we are together we will be fine because we will support each other along the way in this crazy adventure called life. I hope we can all meet one day, have deep talks and enjoy life together. I can’t wait to see you all making your wildest and biggest dreams coming true. I will always be cheering you from the side. You are not alone. You are kind. You are loved. Always remember too, you are enough. Don’t let society make you feel like you are not. Your mental health illness doesn’t define you as a person. I sometimes also feel like I’m an anxious person but it’s more like I suffer from anxiety. I’m not my anxiety. We aren’t our illness. We are much more than that. It isn’t our choice to be sick.

Thank you all for reading and watching my video. I hope it made you feel less alone and inspired you 🌌🌠. What do you think need to change in the mental health care system? What does make you feel better? How are you feeling now? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

Feeling done with this world 😢💔

Hey lovelies 💕,

Today I will write a not so happy blog post. I like to share about my favourites and music reviews but I love to just write anything what’s on my mind because then I’m writing from my heart to yours. It makes me feel a bit better to let my thoughts go and I also hope it will help others to feel less alone. We all struggle in life with things only not at the same time. I hope I won’t sound too depressive but I just really don’t feel okay lately. Everything feels heavy and too much. I’m always my authentically self on this blog so I will try to be honest about my feelings and thoughts. When Summer ends I always feel this way because I’m a Summer girl forever. I don’t like dark days and less sun light.

I don’t know why I feel this way lately. Maybe it’s the thought of having to go back to Holland in two weeks. I have been SO happy here in Spain. I have been eating tapas a lot, drinking delicious milkshakes and ice creams, went swimming, went on a trip to the beach with my mother and surfed after 4 years 🏄🌊 which I will share soon with you all, went for walks and saw my friends here a lot. I really have been enjoying life so much.

A few nights ago I cried about thinking having to go back to The Netherlands 😭💔. I don’t want. I’m just SO done with leaving my happy place. I love The Netherlands too. I love to see my friends and family there too of course. I’m just SO much happier in Spain. Just writing this makes me cry so much again. I just want to live here forever. I also experience anxiety here but at the end my heart longs for Spain. I’m also anxious that we won’t be able to go again for a long time because of the pandemic. I applied for jobs without any luck. If there’s one thing I know for sure is that I want to live in Spain permenantly.

I also feel anxious and depressed again to go to the dentist. I’m happy it went again well. In this blog post I talk about my experience of my second wisdom tooth removal. I still have to go twice but I’m more anxious for the lower wisdom teeth because they are in my gum. I don’t know whether to do it here now or in a few months. I’m really dreading it. I love this dentist but that doesn’t mean I’m not anxious to go anymore. Still feeling anxious and not okay. It’s still no fun. It isn’t a trauma and didn’t hurt that much afterwards. The only thing is that with the lower wisdom teeth extraction it will hurt a bit more. He said one or two points more, nothing like a brave women like you won’t be able to tolerate. It was really sweet what he said but I feel like I don’t want to be brave anymore.

I feel depressed lately and anxious 😞. I don’t know how to live life without feeling constantly anxious about something whether that’s going to the dentist, flying, going to an interview or anything else. I feel like I have no purpose and will never achieve my dreams because of anxiety. Then a friend of me said that it would be good to go to therapy. Well, I had some talks in the past and had to vomit every time and felt even more depressed and worse afterwards. I don’t want to go through that again. I also don’t like people giving me advice because like Yoga Girl said, we know ourselves the best. I love to get tips and recommendations but at the end this is my life. I just hate when people tell me what to do even though some will mean it well. I’m a helper and I have pleases way too many people in my life who didn’t deserve it. It’s my turn now to choose what’s right for me even though I sometimes don’t have any clue and feel lost as hell in life.

Everything what’s happening in this world right now also makes me feel totally not okay. I deactivated FB and my personal Instagram. Sometimes I think of deleting it all but that’s maybe too much I will just take a break. I’m done with seeing happy perfect pictures and fake lives. Inspiring people is what makes me happy and following others who inspire me too such as Yoga Girl, artists and other people. Social media often gived such as a false view of life. What you see isn’t real. I think that makes us all feel even worse especially when we are dealing with mental health illnesses such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, eating disorder or any other. To see people living their life best while you are not feeling okay will not help you. I giess it’s important to have a social media detox. I feel different while blogging because I’m just completely myself without feeling I will be judged. Blogging is my safe space and will always be 🙏💖.

Everything feels too heavy for me lately. I decided to stop watching news or anything triggering my mental health too. It’s not being egoistic but I really can’t deal with any negative news happening in this world anymore. It’s too much for my highly sensitive brain. I can’t take it anymore. I think for the people who are already sensitive for negativity and also are struggling in life, this pandemic hit really hard. I remember when it all began in March and I was just lying in bed thinking about the world ending. I still sometimes think of this question: How can I cope in this world when I don’t see any light in the tunnel? When is this going to end? My anxiety goes to the roof when I don’t know the end point of something. I know that when I go to the dentist half hour later I feel okay again. With this it’s different. No one knows when this pandemic will end and if it will end one day. It makes it definitely more scary which makes me feel even more anxious.

I’m happy I live a more normal life here in Spain. For many months I was at home and only going on a few walks. I have been doing loads of fun stuff here but always doing social distance, wearing a mask which I hate because it gets so warm, and washing my hands a lot. I just feel that even though we have the internet, it makes us feel more isolated and lonelier too. Yes, video calls and chatting is nice but it will NEVER replace real human connection. Seeing each other face to face and hugging each other is the most valuable things ever in life. Having a vulnerable conversation with someone we love, crying on someone’s their shoulder, helping a stranger, giving someone a hug will never be the same online. The online world will never give you the same feelings. Seeing everyone being afraid of each other and not wanting to be near to them breaks my heart even more. Really?! What has the world become? I know they are many things to be grateful for like being more present, slowing down and spending time in nature. It’s just really hard sometimes.

This was basically my rant of how I feel in life regarding to the pandemic, this world and just my feelings. I hope we all have a safe space to be able to talk about our feelings without being judged. I’m here for you all and hope you are all being safe 🙏💖.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. How are you all doing? What are some tips you have for me for coping with anxiety with everything what’s happening in this world? Do you also feel better when doing a social detox? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

Struggling so much with my mental health 😢

Hey lovelies 💕,

I’m always honest and 100% vulnerable about my journey of mental health especially on my blog like I said in this blog post. In real life it’s much more difficult to be open about it because I still feel not everyone understands it. There is still a taboo surrounding mental health. People are getting more open but it will still take a lot of time for people to understand that we can get physically but also mentally ill and that there’s no shame to admit that we are struggling. It takes a lot of courage to be open so that’s what I’m going to do right now in this post. I will tell you how I’m feeling because letting these words out make me at least feel less alone. Even writing all of this takes me too much effort 😢.

So, to be honest I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel so hopeless. I’m not okay. I can’t see any point of living anymore in life. I feel like I’m getting depressed. I’m not in danger because I know I never would do something to harm me. I’m just exhausted to go through life while feeling anxious for everything I have to face all the time. I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. I know maybe asking for help would help. I just don’t know if therapy would really help me because I keep thinking of the time I had some form of therapy, 7 sessions and had to vomit every time and my anxiety even got worse…. I still have anti anxiety medication at home from when I got it subscribed by the doctor in Spain. My mother uses diazepam which she also sometimes can give me when I feel really bad. I know the medication benzodiazepines can be addictive but when you use it whenever you need it I guess it’s okay. I mean why are people always saying those bad and negative stuff about using medication for a mental illness when there are people taking medication for their physical health every day? There has to be no difference in this.

I know I’m doing bad because I don’t leave the house often. I can’t sleep good at night and my routine is a mess. I get anxious outside sometimes seeing so much people. Last week I went to a shopping mall and I got anxious in the bus twice. It felt like I couldn’t breath. I was happy to go outside the bus and walk home with my mother. I’m just always so afraid to get a panic attack because it’s the worst. I don’t want to go through that again. The thing is that the more I worry about that, the more it will likely to happen I think. I’m just so anxious about going to the dentist. I think that’s also now the underlying reason of all my anxiety. I keep postponing it when I have an appointment next month in Spain. I’m the most afraid to loose control and to experience a panic attack. I’m so done with experiencing the waves of anxiety. I’m still struggling with finding a job too as I don’t know how to face people and get only rejections. I just want to hide in my bed under a blanket forever. Unfortunately, I know that can’t happen but I still do it most of the time.

I really don’t know what to do to move forward in my life. I lost my hope and will to live. I’m not in crisis and I know I won’t do anything to harm myself. I just don’t know how to come out of this black hole I’m in. Anxiety keeps me from doing the things I love which means following my dreams. My whole existence cause me anxiety. Sometimes I experience anxiety for no reason. I could sit on a chair watching tv and feel that knot in my stomach and that sense of fear. It’s so hard to live your life that way. People sometimes ask me what gives me anxiety and the answer to that question is everything, this life. Sometimes I think anxiety is part of me but I have to know that I have it and that it’s not part of my personality but sometimes it feels that way.

Last night I experienced one of the worst moments of suffering from anxiety. I felt nauseous and was afraid to throw up. That always cause me even more anxiety because I keep thinking no don’t throw up. I had cold and hot flashes. I felt so bad, so bad. I deactivated FB again as social media only give me more anxiety right now and can’t deal with it. I wrote a message on FB of how I was doing and got some nice caring comments from people I care about but my heart was beating so fast then because I’m afraid to open up to people who know me. Here on this blog it’s different. At the end, I slept in my mother’s bed because there I feel more safe with her. I also took valium 4mg which she also takes. It helpt me feeling more calm and be able to sleep. I could finally sleep 11 hours. I just don’t know how to travel back to Holland in a few days in this state. I’m so afraid to get a panic attack or feel this way because it feels like I’m dying. Of course, I know it isn’t true but it’s just the worst thought. My mother already said how powerful our minds are. It’s so scary to be honest 😢. I wish to buy new funcional brains. If someone knows where to buy them, I will buy them in a quick second even if they have to come from Ebay China lol 😂

I’m also a highly sensitive person who suffer from anxiety. It gets harder because I’m already so sensitive for everything. I suffer and cry more but I also love more. I can cry about everything. I get hurt easily when someone says a mean comment. I overthink a lot. I also empathize much more to other people, care about others and love deeper. I’m compassionate and creative. There are a lot of good things I also am but right now I focus too much on the negative things like I can’t do anything right in life.

Yesterday I listened to a podcast of Yoga Girl which was very inspiring and interesting. It was about how this world always value a person when we produce something. If you are working and producing to society you are worthy of love. It feels like we have to be worthy and to be seen when we are succeeding. There is so much wrong in that. I really do wish I could live a life I’m happy of and work in a job which I love but honestly right now I can’t because I’m sick. Capitalism is just so bad. We have to know that we are always worthy of love and that we aren’t alone. We are not what we produce. What matters is not what I do but who I’m. Those words of Yoga Girl sticked in my head and it relates well to this blog post. We are so much more than our jobs, the things we do in life. We are a person with feelings. We are human and we deserve all the love. We are not less than someone else just because we aren’t studying/working because we are physically, mentally or chronically ill. It’s not our fault.

I really wish to get better one day as it’s so exhausting to go through life while feeling anxious all the time. Recovery isn’t lineal and takes a lot of time. I just really don’t like to feel nauseous, dizzy, feeling like I can’t breath or feeling like I have no control over my body and mind. I also believe from what I said earlier that it’s okay to take a break from life. It’s okay to not study/work when you are ill. You deserve to take a rest. Nowadays it seems like being busy is the most important thing in life because of capitalism. It’s all about buying and doing when we just forget to live, to be still and present with our feelings and thoughts.

Always remember, we aren’t alone. We are all in this together. No matter how though life gets we will get through the other end. We will see the light after all the darkness. One step at a time.

Thank you all for reading this honest post about how I’m doing right now 😢. It took me a lot of courage to write this post. What would you advice me to do? What do you do in hard times? How are you feeling right now? I’m always here for you all. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much 💞,

xoxo Christina

10 September: World Suicide Prevention Day 

Hey lovelies 💕,

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments on my last blog post. I hope that I will feel soon okay and that everything will be allright. This is my 100th post on WordPress. I just can’t believe I’ve wrote so many posts already. It’s an incredible adventure. I’m really so thankful to be part of this beautiful blogging community. Thank you all for always holding space and for always being there. I’m here to stay and will always create great content. I’m also happy to write new content. You guys mean the world to me and I wish to meet you all soon. I want to be able to give you all a hug, chat and have fun together. I love you all so much ❤

Today I want to talk about something really important which I also shared last year on my blog. It’s about world suicide prevention day. I want to add more things and also share a beautiful text from To Write Love On Her Arms. TWLOHA is a beautiful non-provit movement dedicated to presenting hope & finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. There’s also an other proyect called Proyect Semicolon which is an organization dedicated to the prevention of suicide. Through raising public awareness, educating communities, and equipping every person with the right rools, they know that they can save lives.

Today is an important day in the world. Today is world suicide prevention day. More than 800.000 people die each year of commiting suicide. That’s one person every 40 seconds. This is just so horrible. Suicide is still one of the main causes of death in the world. It’s really a shocking fact.

World-Suicide-Prevention-Day1

I think a person who has a mental illness can have suicidal thoughts. Of course, I will not say everybody because there are some people who don’t have these thoughts. I will admit that suffering from anxiety myself I have these thoughts. I still feel sometimes ashamed to have these thoughts. People always say when someone commit suicide how selfish this person is to leave all his/her beloved ones. Now, I know that it isn’t selfish at all. A person who commit suicide didn’t had enough help or support and just couldn’t stand any longer the pain they feel in life.

I know from myself that I will never do anything to harm myself or be in danger. I just have sometimes negative thoughts like it would be better if I die because nobody loves me or because I’m not worth it. I only remember a time at college where I really began to feel extremely bad. I don’t know if I really felt suicidal but I began to have so many negative thoughts, couldn’t sleep at night, felt really anxious and was completely withdrawing my social life. I didn’t leave my house for like two months while working on a proyect of photography for school. This was really not okay. My good friends also began to notice that something wasn’t allright. This also happened in Spain this year twice where I didn’t left the house in two weeks. I still feel a bit scared to share my story because it feels like I can’t label myself for a person who is really in danger you know. I just wish we would treat every mental illness with respect and understanding. Everyone deserve help and every experience is valid. Not because someone has it worse than you means that your feelings and thoughts don’t count.

I’m glad I have a supportive family and friends. I’m glad I can get help whenever I need to. Lately, I’ve been thinking to really go to therapy because maybe I need it too besides taking antidepressants and anti anxiety medication. I’m again struggling with anxiety and with the things I explained in My last blog post. I tried 7 sessions with a social worker in The Netherlands and I was all the time too anxious to go and it made it worse until the point I had to vomit each time. So, I still don’t know if I will try it again or if it will work out. It’s just important to have support and help whenever you need to.

The point is suicide is everywhere around us. I don’t want to sound depressing but it’s. I’ve heard of some people from my high school who commited suicide. I didn’t know them but still it hits me. We all know that so many artists commited suicide. It’s really painful. Last year Chester Benningston commited suicide. This year Avicii, Kate Spade and Mc Miller commited suicide. Also Demi Lovato did an overdose which could have been really bad but I’m so thankful that she got the help she need to recover now. There are so many artists to name to the endless list. It’s really sad. What I think is important is that we have to talk about suicide every day not only when a famous one dies of suicide. It’s a difficult subject but we have to spread awareness. Every day there are people commiting suicide. Also to mention the dead of Mc Miller this weekend. People are blaming Ariana Grande for his death which I found really not right. He was a drug addict and she felt she was in a toxic relationship. She has the right to walk away. At the end, the responsibility of one who commit suicide is always theirs.

I still believe that suicide isn’t an option because there’s help and treatment possible. Society needs to raise more awareness and talk about it. The number of people commiting suicide needs to be much less. I was afraid to speak up about my anxiety but I’m so glad I did. There shouldn’t be a stigma around mental health illnesses aymore. Every day we are breaking this stigma with talking about it. It’s so important to talk about it, find support and get help. There needs to be help available for people who haven’t much money. Sometimes a treatment can be very expensive and not all people can pay that amount of people. There needs to be organizations who cover those costs so that everyone can get the treatment without any problem. I hope that maybe in the future I can help these people in need. Even though I’m struggling myself I’m always here to help people.


To end this post I want to share something I find so beautiful on the blog of TWLOHA:

Tomorrow needs you.

Tomorrow needs you to be a good friend.
Tomorrow needs you to hold your little sister’s hand.
Tomorrow needs you to be an uncle, a classmate, a roommate, a cousin.
Tomorrow needs you to laugh. To dance. To build. To dream.

Tomorrow needs you to stay for all the things you love.
Your favorite song still needs you to sing.
You still need to hear your child’s voice.
Your favorite film needs you to watch it once again.
Your favorite meal, favorite city, favorite beach, and favorite book.
Your favorite place to watch the sunset.

Won’t you stay to see the sun rise?

Tomorrow needs you to write that novel, record that podcast, share that poem.
Because no one else has your voice.
Because no one else can play your part.

More than anything, tomorrow needs you to love and be loved.
You don’t have to perform or impress or achieve.
You can if you want but tomorrow needs you just to be yourself.
To love the people you love and to be loved by all the ones who love you.

If you need tomorrow to heal and to recover, it’s okay.
If you need ten tomorrows or a hundred or a whole year, it’s okay.
There’s no rush and you won’t have to go alone.

Today is not the day your story ends.
Today is not the day the darkness wins.
Today needs you to know this world needs you.
Today needs you to know that you can say your pain out loud.
Today needs you to know that it’s okay to ask for help.
Today needs you to know that you can get the help you need.

Because tomorrow needs you.

I also want to write my own statement:

Tomorrow needs me because I’m here to help myself and other people.

Tomorrow needs me because my family and friends love me.

Tomorrow needs me to inspire the world with my writing.

You can also make it by yourself. Start by downloading the response card and fill the “Tomorrow needs me because…” prompt. You can share it online and use #WSPD18 and #TomorrowNeedsYou when you share your picture. Don’t forget to tag @twloha on Twitter and Instagram so that they can see it. It’s important to raise our voice and share our story online.

ResponseCardWSPD18LandingPage-CampaignSocial


To all the people suffering right now from mental health issues: please reach out. Don’t be ashamed to admit that you are feeling bad. It isn’t your fault. I know from experience that sometimes I find it hard to open up when I feel bad. It can be a good thing to ask someone how are you and ask them if they are really okay. When good friends or family asked me that and looked me into the eyes I cried because I couldn’t lie again about how I’m feeling. I told them the truth of how I felt. Not every person with a mental illness can reach other so I suggest that we all reach out. When we see someone struggling help them when they can’t help themselves. Let’s make this world a better place with more love, hope, support and understanding 🌍

Always remember mental health is as important as physical health. You don’t have to do it alone. There will always people out there that wants to help you when you are struggling. We have to help each other. You are worth it. Life is though but we are thougher. We can go through it all together. You deserve the help you need. You can do it. You are never alone 💕💫 We are all in this together 💪

youarenotalone

I send you all so much love and light in life 💕💫 ,

xoxo Christina

Grieving about a celebrity is not crazy 

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Hola lovelies 💕,

Last Friday one of the most famous DJ’s named Avicii died. This Swedish DJ was just a legend, a genius, a beautiful human being. I spoke about his death in this blog post: R.I.P. Legend DJ Avicii 💔🎶😢 I never knew this news would hit me so hard. I don’t want to repeat myself but today I’m going to write about Avicii again and that’s not crazy to grief about someone you have never met such as a celebrity. I gues I’m not the only one who have experienced this. Does anyone of you have experienced this one day?  I would love to know your story in the comments.

So many legends die so young such as musicians, writers, actors, singers, models….. I can name a few important names who have left us so early which are Michael Jackson – 50 years old, Whitney Houston – 48 years old, Amy Winehouse – 27 years old, Marilyn Monroe which is one of my favourite actresses died when she was only 37 years old and many more. Marilyn Monroe was born the first of June just like me. I could add many more to this list which is really sad. Most of the famous people die because of suicide, being alcoholic and taking too much drugs. They all face a lot of stress and anxiety in their lives and in order to cope with it they use those methods which makes their health worse. The death of Avicii came to a shock to me. I guess to all of us. The whole world couldn’t believe it. I really like house music mostly because of him. His style of Electronic Dance Music was just so amazing. His songs were so inspiring and happy. It always made me have a smile on my face. He was loved by the whole world. This weekend there was a tribute in Stockholm, the place he came from. Some of his music was played and all his fans were crying. They were remembering him. Also in The Netherlands, the Dom Tower in Utrecht played some of his songs and in Spain during the Pre Party of Eurovision Alfred and Laura played Wake me up in Sala Riviera in Madrid. I saw it on the internet and it was so beautiful to see how we all know the lyrics and sing it out loud.

He was loved by the whole world. I never knew I was going to be so sad for so many days and grief about someone who I’ve never met. Of course, I also have gone through some grief when my Spanish grandmother died but I was too young to understand death. I will write a blog post soon about why I’m so afraid of death. It’s a phobia in my life. I’ve never went to a funeral in my life. My parents said that I was too young to go. It’s not crazy to grief about a celebrity even though you have never met them. I guess many of us feel connected to some celebrities. I feel connected to Avicii because of his songs and lyrics. I played the songs all the time. My first love, ex boyfriend was a huge fan of Avicii and his favourite song was Seek Bromance with the edit of Avicii. I don’t know if he’s still a fan because I don’t talk to him anymore. I always listened to this song with him and it became a part of my life.

The fact that Avicii died at such a young age, only 28 years old hits me really hard because sometimes it feels like we are just surviving through life but not really living. I feel that way sometimes. I can relate to his lyrics from The Nights so much like: “One day you”ll leave this world behind so live a life you will remember”. I really want to live this way but yet my anxiety don’t always let me. I’m feeling happier than a few years ago but I still need to find myself. I need to get my life together but I’m scared. His lyrics helps me to go on and to remind myself to live a life I’m happy about. Also the lyrics about the song Wake me up relate to me. “Feeling my way through the darkness guided by a beating heart”. I’ve experienced a lot of anxiety in my life which made me difficult to see the light but at the end there is a light and your life has a purpose even though sometimes you may not see it. I also love the sentence: “Hope I get the chance to travel the world and wish that I could stay forever this young”. I do hope to travel around the world as much as I can, as far as I can and as long as I can. I love this sentence too: “Life’s a game made for everyone and love is a prize” I trully believe we are alive to love each other and that life is worth it 💕

This weekend I watched the documentary on Netflix of Avicii which is called True Stories. I made me think about my life because he was also going through a lot of stress and anxiety in life. The reason why he died is still not released. I just really hope it isn’t suicide. I wish people would care more about each other and ask more often how are you doing. I wish people would ask that in the way to help someone and not because they are interested and just wanna judge you. In this documentary you see that Avicii was really vulnerable, sensitive and also an introvert. His manager Ash pushed him sometimes to keep touring but he couldn’t do it because he felt ill. He was afraid to dissapoint his manager, agencies and fans. Sometimes I feel that way too in my life. I’m always afraid to dissapoint people. Besides, Avicii had pancreatis just like my father had. That’s also a point why this death hits me hard. My father almost died when I was 11 years old. I will also make an apart blog post about this. Long story but I will tell it short. He had to go through 7 surgeries in 5 years time with many complications. Now, he has diabetis but he’s alive and that’s the most important thing which counts for me. Avicii also had to go through surgery and they took his appendix and gal bladder out. My father also don’t have the gal bladder anymore.

In the documentary True Stories, I also saw how he suffered from anxiety and stress just like I do in my life. It’s really sad that not much people understand this. It’s still a stigma and needs to end. I feel like suicide, depression, anxiety, eating disorders etc is even a bigger stigma in the famous world then in the non-famous world. People just assume that famous people have their lives together and that everything’s perfect when it isn’t at all. I guess they have so much more stress to go than a normal person. When you are famous, you don’t have any privacy. Avicii started to drink alcohol because he felt anxious when he had to go on stage. A few drinks of alcohol made him feel a bit happier and less anxious to do his concerts. I really can understand him but it wasn’t good for his health. He came in a negative cycle which contribute to pancreatitis. I liked the documentary because it showed the real life of Avicii, his ups and downs. It showed that he had his own struggles just like we all have. We assume that famous people are some kind of gods with perfect lives but it isn’t true a all.

I didn’t know I could go through grief so hard when I don’t know Avicii. I’ve never met him. I’m a fan but I’m not his family or friends. Now,  I know that it isn’t crazy to grief about a celebrity. Your grief count. Your feelings are valid. I went to his concert in Amsterdam on the 22 of February of 2014. It was just so amazing. I could feel all the energy and good vibes. I’m sure I can find the videos and pictures on my computer but they are in The Netherlands. I will forever cherish this beautiful moment. I’m so glad I went to this concert. It was €70 I think but it was definitely so worth it. Now, we can’t go to his concert anymore. It’s really sad. I read some news that he had almost finished a new album. I hope somebody will release this album to enjoy the new music of Avicii.

It’s sad that we can’t enjoy any concerts of him anymore. He stopped touring in 2016 because of his health problems. Now, he died…. At least, we have the legacy of all his music and we can always play it. I hope he’s in paradise now. We will never ever forget him. His music will make our tears dry and make us happy. Good vibes only! 🎶💕 Music is life! 🎤❤🙏

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I’ll speak to you all soon!

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

How being bullied in high school caused me anxiety

Hey lovely bloggers <3,

I wanna share my story about how I have been bullied during high school in The Netherlands. For anyone who suffers from bullying and anxiety, this story could maybe trigger them. So I already say this before I continue. I’ve always wanted to write it but found it hard to find the right words for everything I’ve experienced. It still cause me anxiety but writing about it is way of lettings all the hard stuff go. Writing is a form of healing and it definitely helps me a lot. I will give a brief summary in this blog post to analyse the most important things that happened to me, what it made me feel and why it all cause me having anxiety.

I’ve been bullied mostly during high school. Those years were the worst years of my life. I spent 5 years in high school, since 12 years until I turned 18. The first three years were the worst. I still remember that time were I bought an awesome bag in Spain with my father. I was so happy when I bought this bag with my daddy. This bag had a picture on it from a girl. I didn’t know that the hell was about to explode when I began high school. I’ve been bullied because of this bag because they began to call me barbie girl. It wasn’t a barbie. They said I was childish and I remember times that I was putting some books in my locker and began to sing me the song of “I’m a barbie girl” and laugh about me. I felt so horrible. How can somebody be so mean and bully you?!

Another story, I was friends with a girl and a group of bullies were bullying me and that girl. It was a horrible time. I’ve never done anything wrong to them. They just picked me out and that girl. They were calling us names. They called me big nose. If I think about it now, I laugh about it because I ain’t have a big nose and who the fuck are you to laugh about me?! They were calling me ugly. They were also pushing me in the corridors of my high school. The worst part of it was that they were not only bullying me in real life also online. Cyber bullying is as worse as real life bullying. During that time a Dutch website existed which doesn’t exists anymore. I was reading all those comments of how they were going to bully me and my friend and all those ugly names of us as calling us ugly. I also had a good friend where I’m still friends with, who helped me a lot during this time. I remember a time where the chat Messenger existed and a group of people were bullying me and threatening to kill me and my family.

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I think that part was the most anxious part ever. I didn’t felt safe at highschool anymore. I felt so anxious that one day they would fight with me. One day, they said they would give me a clap in my face and to my friend. I remember that day I was in class and my friend wasn’t there. It was the time she got a clap in her face… I felt horrible. They said to her that they didn’t had done it with me because I was too sweet. So strange….?! We talked with our teachers so many times, also after that fight but nothing helped. I know that some of the bullies got kicked out of school but many continued. I deleted all those bullies from that Dutch website and one day a whole group went to my locked and said why I’ve done that. I said that I don’t have contact with any of you and neither do I want. I felt so anxious and intimidated. This is also a reason why nowadays I’m afraid of groups. I feel that fear so intensly.

I also remember my gymnastics classes which were a hell. I remember so many times where I didn’t do things right in baseball or other sports and the bullies were laughing about me. I suck in those sports and can’t help that. I really forced myself to like gym but I didn’t like it at all. I also remember the times we had to dress ourselves in the changing room and everyone was watching you. I felt so insecure. I remember one day during gymnastics that a boy laughed about me and said that I didn’t had boobies and he said that I’m not a girl. It was such a stupid comment.

Another story which happened in the third year of high school, by that age I was 16 was about a boy. I liked a boy in my class. I thought he liked me too because he was always looking at me and really nice to me. Well, that was all part of the joke. I thought about writing him a love letter. During that time I was friends with another girl and went to his house to give him this letter. I was so anxious and closed the door. I should never have done it because the next day everyone in my highschool could read this personal letter explaining my feelings and thoughts about this boy. I still remember that I was about to go home and suddenly a popular girl who was always bullying me said to me if I’ve read my love letter which was hanging in school. She said to me were the letter was. I went into school, my heart racing and so anxious…. I saw my letter in the corridors and got it. I’ve found this letter a few years later in my room. I must have taken it to home. It is now destroyed. Farewell. I’ve learned to not do this again anymore, only if I know things are really serious when it comes to relationships. One girl who also bullied me a lot during my life said to me that I asked for being bullied. I’ve never fucking asked for it. I’m just being bullied for being myself and being too sweet and sensitive for this cold, hard and dark world.

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Being bullied stopped in the fourth and the last class. It wasn’t that hard anymore. My best friend also got bullied with me but we could both support each other and help each other. I’ve known her since I was with her in the same class in the third, fourth and last year. We are still best friends for like 9 years and I’m so damn grateful for that ❤ They would sometimes call us stupid nick names and we would say something back and then it stopped. We were also ignoring those bullies which also helps. It also stopped when I had a boyfriend from 17 till 19 years. We had a long distance relationship. He was from Switzerland and I was living in Spain by that time. That’s a story for another blog post. I posted pictures of us together on social media and they also saw me when he picked me up from high school. All those people who bullied me were saying to me that he was really handsome and wanted to know everything about him. I didn’t told them anything, only where he came from. It’s so stupid that that was also the point that they stopped bullying me. I felt proud and happy of having a boyfriend. The bad part was that when he broke up with me, I felt even worse than before. I didn’t love myself until my boyfriend loved me and felt so complete with him. I will explain all those details in another blog post.

So having told all those stories, being bullied caused me having anxiety. I’m still afraid of groups. Sometimes, I still feel that I can’t be myself in this world. I’m a highly sensitive person which means that I feel, love and suffer more. I still feel sometimes that I’m way too sensitive for this cold and dark world. I’m also always anxious about giving presentations and introducing myself. I feel that fear of judgment and that people will laugh and say rude comments about me. Sometimes, when I hear people laughing, I think it’s because of me when it ain’t no true. Those are all imaginations which aren’t true but caused with being bullied. Being bullied is a real trauma and I’m still recovering from it.

I’ve learned that the best way I can be in this world is to be myself and being proud of who I’m. I’ve learned to gain more confidence in myself and that self love is the most important relationship you can have in your life. I’ve learned that people who bully you, are insecure themselves and don’t know any other way than only causing harm to others. They are just jealous about you. My tips for people who are being bullied, would be to ignore those people and sometimes it’s good to speak up. I would also suggest you to talk about it with your teachers at highschool or wherever. Also, if you feel you need more professional help such as therapy to recovering from being bullied, that would be a good option too. It’s just so important to talk about your issues with a loved one, a professional one or a friend. This definitely helped me to overcome bullying. I had some therapy sessions 2 years ago and explained about what happened to me when I was bullied and this definitely helped me to came to the conclusion that it wasn’t my fault and that I’m perfect the way I’m. Those bullies are just jealous and feel insecure themselves.

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Sometimes I still cry and feel bad about what happened but I’m grateful that I’m still here and stronger and wiser than ever before. There were times I thought it would be better if I wasn’t alive anymore. I have never been suicidal but really anxious and feeling so low because all of what happened to me. I can remember times I wrote this in my diary and even wrote that the whole class was against me. I can say that I’m proud that I survived all of this and that eventually it made me stronger even though it was a hell of time. I wouldn’t want to experience it again. Never more.

We should all stand together and raise awareness about bullying. Bullying cause anxiety, depression, low self esteem and even suicide. This needs to stop and I hope to raise much awareness with this post. I’m here for you all. We are all in this together and we can stop it.

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Remember, you are beautiful, you are loved, you are enough and you are never alone. If you ever need to talk about something which bothers you, if it’s being bullied or something else, you know where to find me. I will always be there for you ❤ Thank you all for not judging me and for letting me write this story. I can stay my authentic self when I blog and that’s what I love the most. See you in my next blog post!

 

 

Love you all so much ❤

Much love <3,

xoxo Christina

Would you be friends with people who spoke to you the way you speak to yourself? 💭

Hey lovely bloggers 💕,

I saw this picture on Tumblr. This is just so true. We spend so much time doubting, hating and making fun of ourselves. Instead, we should love ourselves more for what we are. I can relate to this so much. I find it hard too. I remember so many times that I have said to myself that I’m not good enough or other bad thoughts such as that I’m not looking good or that I’m not beautiful. I still find it hard to trust these thoughts. However, I learned to not trust “this voice” in my head all the time even though it’s really difficult sometimes.

If a friend would spoke to me the way I speak to myself sometimes, I really wouldn’t be their friend anymore. How can you be friends with someone who is constantly saying negative things about you?! You don’t wanna be around with such a negative person. Why do we find it so damn easy to say things like we aren’t worth it, we aren’t good enough, we aren’t pretty like her/him to ourselves? We would never ever say that to a friend. We know those are bad thoughts 💭.

I think the reason why we find it so easy to say those things to ourselves lies also in society and media. We always see those perfect famous people; with all their glamour and perfect bodies that we increase this mis conception of not feeling good about ourselves. We see those lives and we feel like we aren’t good enough. We scroll through social media and see all those perfect people and wanna be like them. It ain’t perfect. They have problems too but only the good parts are showed. That’s media. Trust me, being famous isn’t always a happy life if you look to the facts that many famous people can’t cope with their lives and take a lot of drugs, alcohol and even suicide…. I find that really sad. 

Society increase those feelings of not feeling good enough constantly. We are so much aware of it. We see those examples in magazines, on social media, on television, just everywhere. It really annoys me. We have to excercise a lot, look skinnier, gain much money, have a perfect job, have a perfect family, travel to the best places on earth, buy a bigger house… It’s always about having more and being better. I don’t like that about our competitive society. It’s never good enough. 

I love this poem which I found on Google. It shows us how society will always find something to tear us down and how we would never be good enough. We shouldn’t listen to that negative voice but focus on how to feel good about ourselves.

Instead we should focus on what we have and achieve inner peace. Inner peace will bring us to self love. If we are happy about ourselves, we also focus on making good choices for our lives. If we feel good in our skin, we will excersise and eat healthy but not to be skinnier. I hate those fitness and diet pages so much. It only increase that negative feeling about yourself. I’m a believer of making good choices for yourself just to feel about yourself. If you all the time try to be skinnier and skinnier, you will never feel happy. It will never be good enough. 

We can eat healthier and do things we love just to feel good about ourselves and increase our health but not to obtain a certain imaginary goal which can’t never be achieved.

Fuck whats society tells you. Don’t believe them. You are good enough. You are beautiful with all your curves. Be proud of yourself. If you have a bad thought coming into your head of not being good enough, you could think of the things what makes you YOU. You are unique and have so many good qualities. You can be romantic, sensitive, kind, social, compasionate… Those are all good qualities. I know you must have all of these too and so muh more 💫

Being beautiful for me means not something temporary like the looks of a person. No. Being beautiful for me means how a person thinks and feels. Being beautiful goes beyond someone’s looks. It’s all about their qualities and dreams in life. Take all the superficial things away and you have that beautiful person. Being beautiful lays down in your soul. Looks will fade away with the years, but that personality and soul will always stick with you for the rest of your life.

Let the world talk. Make good choices for yourself and always out of love. Love yourself for what you are. Stop doubting about yourself. Know you are worth it and achieve all the dreams that you have. 

Believe in yourself, because YOU are beautiful and good enough. Never ever doubt that 💜💋

Much love,

xoxo

10 reasons why I love blogging so damn much 💕

Hey lovely bloggers,

I’m gonna share 10 reasons why I love blogging so much 💜 I’m so happy I made WordPress almost three months ago. I never regret any second of it.

  1. Blogging brings me so much happiness to my life. Whenever I feel bad I can read some inspirational posts or quotes and feel happier again. 
  2. The blogging community is just the most awesome community ever. You are all so kind, lovely, beautiful, sensitive and so supportive. It just gives me goosebumps because it makes me remember that there are so many good people out there in this sometimes dark world.
  3. It inspires me so much. I learn so much of reading your blog posts. I can learn how to paint my nails for halloween, how to stay healthy, book reviews, travel tips, inspirational quotes, how to search for a job, how to handle my anxiety, improve self love and just soooo much more. I think blogging is such a good tool for inspiration.
  4. I love writing so much. Here I can write about anything. I love writing poems, my thoughts and feelings.
  5. It’s so good for my mental health. I have anxiety for like my whole life. Since I begin to share all my thoughts and feelings I feel less alone. I feel so supportive. There are more people on here who have a mental illness. I love the fact that not only the people who have a mental illness but also the ones who don’t have it understand me. I think that’s just so magical. In real life, there’s still a stigma around it and some people just don’t get it. Here it’s different 💜
  6. I feel safe here. Even though my blog is an open space I still feel safe and kinda privated. I just can write about anything and feel respected. I can wrote about how people have bullied me in high school, how I suffer from anxiety and how my first love broke up with me and it’s just all okay. Nobody will judge me and for that I’m so damn blessed. You are da best! 💕
  7. There are no rules how to blog. In life there are many rules on how you have to do this and this but with blogging there are just no rules. Everything you write is okay. It doesn’t matter about what you write. It doesn’t matter if you write about your bad day or how you are stressing about an exam. Everything is okay because those are your feelings, thoughts and experiences. It’s your blog and you decide about what you are going to blog. 
  8. There is not a specific time when you should blog. You can just blog whenever you want. It doesn’t matter if you blog in the early morning, afternoon or late at night. It’s all okay. Just do it whenever you want.
  9. You can blog anywhere you want. This is also an important reason why I love blogging so much. You can just do it anywhere, may it be in a cafe, at school or in your garden. You just have to have your laptop or mobile phone with you. Then you can start to write. 
  10. It’s free. While other hobbies cost something like going swimming or doing a yoga class, blogging is totally free. You can have a premium account on WordPress if you want. It’s up to you. I don’t have one. Blogging is free and you can even gain money out of it but I don’t know how that works 😂 Maybe one day I can make that happen… don’t know.

Are there any other reasons why you love blogging? Tell me, I would love to hear! 💜

I love you all so much 💕💕💕 I hope that you are all doing fine. In case you are not, I’m here for you. You are strong. You are all beautiful human beings. 

Much love to all of you,

Christina xoxo

World mental health day; Remember, you are not alone 💞

Hey lovelies 💕💕💕,

Today is an important day in the world. Today it’s world mental health day. This subject is close to my heart because I have struggled and still struggle with anxiety for like my whole life. I have already shared a lot about having anxiety on my blog. I was always feeling anxious for new things, changes in life, presentations, for dentists or doctors appointments, just anything that make me feel uncomfortable. Everybody can feel this way in their lives.

However, I felt it way more heavy than others. I’m also a highly sensitive person which means that I feel more. I feel every emotion so deep, may it be a bad or good emotion. I’m also a person who analyse and overthink every situation which makes my anxiety even worse. 

Last year I went to the doctor in The Netherlands and got some therapy sessions but it didn’t seem to work. It made my anxiety even worse. It ain’t for everybody. I also took some natural meds such as St. Jans Wort but it didn’t seem to work. Since I went to the doctor here in Spain and got subscriped antidepressants I feel sooo much better than before. These weeks I feel bad again, but it’s the transition of college to real life. I know this energy will shift again. There are just bad and good periods in my life. 

For anybody suffering from a mental health issue please talk with a loved one, get support and help and do what feels right to you. If therapy sessions makes you feel better, do it. If exercise as yoga, swimming or surfing helps, do it. Don’t feel ashamed. I was so ashamed of taking antidepressants because I felt like that if I take that I would be crazy in my head. We can take meds for physical pain but not for mental pain?! Like there needs to be a different mindset. Just do what feels good to you.

For me these things make me feel good about myself:

  • Surfing: I really can’t wait to surf again and feel so free
  • Reading: I love to read novels and self help books
  • Writing: I love to write poems 
  • Blogging: I love to write on this blog. It’s my safe space with such a lovely community 💞 
  • Singing: I used to sing in a choir for 11 years
  • Being surrounded by my family and friends who support me
  • Nature: It’s just the best for our health 💞💞💞 Fresh air 🍁🍂🍃
  • Photography
  • Being creative
  • Travelling: I love to go to new places and can distance myself from all the worries I have
  • Swimming
  • Yoga
  • Eating and sleeping well

There are so many other things that you can do to make you feel good. You just have to find what’s best for you. You know yourself as it best. Remember, to always be kind to yourself. You are loved and not alone. 

We need to end the mental health stigma. Every day is mental health day. Mental health is as important as physical health. There are still so many people from all different ages and nationalities suffering. They all need help and we need to end the stigma around this issue. They are not crazy in their minds, they need help, support and compassion. To raise awareness you can draw a circle on your hand with the hastag #iamwhole or wear something yellow with the the hastag #helloyellow and post it on social media.

Remember, we are all in this together, you are not alone 💜💕💫

Much love,

xoxo 💞💞💞

World suicide prevention day

Hey all 💕,

Today is an important day in the world. Today is world suicide prevention day. More than 800.000 people die each year of commiting suicide. That’s one person every 40 seconds. This is a horrible fact.

This number needs to be less. There shouldn’t be a stigma around mental health illnesses aymore. It is so important to talk about it, find support and get help.

Suffering from anxiety myself I had a period long time ago where I felt suicidal. I know from myself that I wouldn’t do anything but I had really negative thoughts, couldn’t sleep at night, felt really anxious and was completely withdrawing my social life. I didn’t leave my house for like two months while working on a proyect for school. This was really not okay.

I’m so glad I past that horrible time. I can still feel negative thoughts and sometimes feel worthless but support and antidepressants really saved my life. I’m so glad I take them now since 7 months.

To all the people suffering right now from mental health issues: please reach out. Don’t be ashamed to admit that you are feeling bad. It isn’t your fault. Mental health is as important as physical health. You deserve the help you need. You are never alone 💕💫

Much love,

xoxo