Epiphany: I don’t want to be seen

Hey lovelies 💕,

I just need to talk about a topic which is coming into my mind these last weeks. It’s also making me very anxious. I’m going to talk about how my blog is my safe space and how anxious I’m that people in real life find my blog. The thought makes me very uncomfortable. I’m going to talk about a epiphany I had. It’s a realization I have had for so long. I was even looking for making this blog private when people told me they found my blog but I don’t think that would be fun. I love the interaction with my community, the traffic of new followers and finding new inspirational blogs 💖🙏.

A week ago I got a lovely mail from the mother of Lisa. I wrote about her loss in this blog post: Life is fragile. She died from Leucemia at just 28 years old. I also went to her cremation with my mother in October. I’m still very proud of myself that I went as I have such a huge fear of death and never went before to a funeral. Her mother wrote me such a beautiful and touching mail. I got really anxious after I knew that her family knew about my blog. They have read everything and if they are reading this: Hi lovelies ❤️. They are such a lovely family and can of course read my blog posts. I care about them and love them very much. She said I wrote so beautiful about her daughter. I was just so touched by this story and cried a lot about her loss. I even didn’t know her that well but our choir members are always so connected.

I know why I’m anxious about people finding my blog. I know my blog is public but just the thought of real life people finding my blog makes me want to hide in bed and hide from the world forever. Why do you think? I already shared that I have been bullied during high school. I’m so afraid of any bullies finding my blog. Just as I’m reading a book about how to cope with anxiety I felt more calm. I also took some anti anxiety medications a week ago because I couldn’t cope. I was overthinking all the time 😢. I’m worth it and I’m enough. I tried to change my thoughts from negative to more realistic and positive thoughts. I’m also learning that in an online chat which I take with people who are also struggling with that. It really helps me to feel a bit more peaceful 🙏✨💕

I have to know that not everyone would even care about reading my blog. I also don’t even have contact with all those bad people anymore. The family of Lisa is so lovely and also another man from the choir who I always feel calm and happy with. I just have to surround myself with people who gets me and supports me 💖

It’s just that this blog and also my Instagram Seaofwordsblog is a safe space for me. It’s the only space I go to when I feel sad, anxious, happy or inspired. It’s a place where I go to when I’m crying and just need to let my feelings out and write about my thoughts. This is the only space where I’m 100% honest, vulnerable and authentic. I don’t want to be afraid all the time of people who I know finding my blog. I wouldn’t be able to write anymore about anything.

The mother of Lisa also read about my anxiety. She don’t judge me and understands me. I felt so loved reading her mails. I was also looking for tickets for the Christmas concert for this weekend in the cathedral. I used to sing in that choir. Then I got an email back that I could have the tickets for free. That’s really so sweet of them 💕. I’m always happy to see my choir singing but also feel anxious that I get a panic attack or feel anxious in the church. There are just some experiences in my choir which made me feel anxious and insecure. I got bullied there and I also felt like I wasn’t good enough. When one time I sang a solo, they preferred that someone else had to sing it. Again a confirmation that I’m just not good enough even for singing when it’s one of my biggest passions in life. I also got a sh*t teacher who once said that I was going to get bullied in high school. Well, that happened. F*ck it 😔. Maybe, one day I will go to see some of my choir members who are nice to me but I still feel anxious about going.

I didn’t went to the Christmas concert because of this fear and also because it always bring up memories from the past with my ex boyfriend 💔. Long story short, I met my first love when I was 17 years old during a choir tour in Cambridge in UK. The same city where my parents also met each other but they are still together for more than 40 years 😂 Their love story ended well. He broke up with me when I was 19 years old during Christmas. It’s already 6 years ago and I’m over him but I still think that you can’t be completely over your first love. Every time I see my choir singing I get emotional because of these memories. I’m feeling a bit guilty now that I didn’t went because I got free tickets and some people were happy to see me but maybe I can go to another concert or go to the church at Christmas eve which I do often. My mother went alone to the concert. Maybe, I will just have to face this fear but it’s so hard for me 😭

Lately, I’m just so afraid of seeing someone I know in public. I don’t want everyone to know about my anxiety or getting asked questions about what I’m doing with my life. I’m living and surviving okay. I don’t know what I’m doing with life. I just know that this blog is everything for me. If you take this away from me I would feel even more hopeless and anxious. Here I can be vulnerable, open and honest without feeling judgment. I love this blogging and mental health community so much. It’s everything for me 💕.

I think I just have to stop thinking about whether people in real life will find my blog or not. I’m safe here and will continue sharing my journey of coping with an anxiety disorder, the daily struggles and hardships of life and all the good things in life. I have to stop being scared all the time of people and about what they would think of me. It’s just really hard because I don’t trust many people anymore only my good friends, my online friends, online communities and my family. It’s so hard for me to find new friends or people because I’m always so scared to get bullied again or that someone will hurt me. I can’t deal with that anymore in life so I stay away from people, isolate myself and live in my own peaceful world with my music, blog, books, movies, postcasts and hide away from the real world 🌍.

I know the biggest reason why I don’t want to see anyone I know on the streets is that I just don’t want to be seen. I just always want to hide away in my bed, room or house. I know it isn’t that good but it’s really part of who I’m. People think I’m that outgoing social girl but I’m only crazy, completely myself and comfortable when I know you well. We have to best friends or good friends before I can trust you. I’ve always been that girl who never want to be in the center of attention. My father even said to me that I used to hide myself in boxes when I was a child 😅😂 I see where that’s coming from. When I was a teenager I would hide myself in a wardrobe when there was a visit. Nowadays, I hide myself in my bed covered with blankets and stuffed animals. Not much has changed just the place of were I’m hiding myself hahaha omg 🤦‍♀️🤣 I’m always playing hide and seek in life.

I just am getting an epiphany. I love that word which Yoga Girl use so much. A few years ago I had some therapy sessions and also this lovely woman said to me that I just don’t want to be seen. That was also the reason why I always got uncomfortable, anxious, nauseous and even vommited times before I had to go to talk to her. I’m afraid to ask for help and support because I don’t want to be seen or take any space in this world.

It feels good to come to this realization because this is something I’m struggling all my life with. I’m always escaping from everything I fear in life simply because I want to hide away and I don’t want to do it. That’s it. I really hope with taking little baby steps forward I can change this in 2019 and the upcoming years. If I need more support as in therapy for my anxiety disorder then I have to take that step and do it even if I feel so scared. I have to let myself seen to get better in coping with anxiety and just in general in life. I can do it 💪. I only have to let myself seen and not hide in boxes, wardrobes or a bed anymore haha 😂 That’s sounds like really simple but it will be difficult. I have to know that not everyone is going to judge me. I can speak up and be myself in this world. This blog is already such a big step for me to be seen in this world and I’m so damn proud I made this blog 💕 I will continue this amazing adventure with all of you ✨

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you can all understand my story. It felt good to write this as I was beginning to realize many things going on in my life. Can you relate to my story? Are you also afraid of people you know finding your blog? Do you also struggle with letting yourself seen in life? How do you cope with it? Let me know in the comments. I would love to hear your thoughts and if you have any tips for me they are also appreciated 💗.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina