Will I ever make my wildest and biggest dreams come true?

Hola lovelies 💕,

I wanted to write a more uplifting post today but I feel like I can’t. I cried last night for a few hours and I just have to write it down here. I always have to write about how I’m feeling on that moment because if I don’t do it that moment will pass and I wouldn’t be able to write about it anymore. It wouldn’t feel real anymore. I would never fake how I feel on my blog because then I wouldn’t be honest and authentic on my blog. I always want to be honest in real life and online. This blog post will be about some feelings and thoughts I have lately, why I cried last night, and about reaching our dreams.

So, last night I was just scrolling through Intagram when I saw a picture of one of my best friends with her boyfriend and then I saw something more and was in shock 🤯. I just couldn’t stop crying. My good friend got engaged and didn’t tell me anything. I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend. I was like what?! I felt left out and hurt. Some hours has passed and I still feel that way. I had to cry so much. I’m not jealous of her. I always want the best for everyone and want everyone to be happy. I’m also on my period so I’m even more emotional and sensitive for everything. Even though I’m sometimes in Spain for a few months and then I come back to The Netherlands I always love to keep in contact with my friends and family. When such a good friend doesn’t say such an important thing of their life well I guess it’s normally to feel left out and lonely. I also am afraid or friendship will change. I’m so afraid of loosing people. The break up of my first love makes me extremely afraid of people walking away from my life. Of course, I have to be happy for my friend which I’m but then I began to think negatively about my own life and how far behind I’m with the rest of my friends. I feel like I’m the only one not reaching milestones in life.

You know that moment you are lying in bed and you feel like your whole world is crashing down? Well, that’s what happened last night. It’s not only this news which makes me feel that way. I feel lost for so long in my life. For like two years I feel like I’m just surviving through life instead of living. I can’t move on in life because of anxiety 😔. My mother understand me the best and says I have to go to the doctor for it. I had some talks a few years ago with a social worker and got nauseous every time so yeah I don’t know if that would help. My mother takes valium so sometimes when I’m really anxious I take that from her too and I also have some anti anxiety meds being subscribed from the doctor in Spain. My father is also there for me but I would prefer if I ever ask for help as in therapy do it in Spain. There are really good professionals out there. To be honest I’m also afraid of asking for help and speaking up.

It’s something that I keep repeating and I’m sorry if I write about this much lately like I did in this blog post. It’s just how I feel often. It makes me depressed and anxious to see all people moving on with their lives while I can’t. Many of my friends are in a relationship, are getting jobs and moving in with each other. I feel like I will be the last one to settle down or will not reach anything in life. Do we have to reach some goal in life or is it all just a myth of society to keep us going? It’s not that I want to die even though I really say that a lot to my mother mostly and I also think it a lot. I will never do anything to myself. I would be too scared for that. It’s just and always have been that I’m afraid of death but also of life and therefore I can’t move on in life. It’s so hard. It’s though to feel this way as I don’t know what the solution would be.

What felt good last night was that in those bad moments I always write in the Yoga Girl Community on Facebook. It’s my safe space like this blog 💗🙏. It feels good to know that you aren’t alone with your thoughts and feelings. This all can feel too much and makes me feel so lonely. It makes me feel a bit better to know that there’s someone out there who also is feeling your feelings and maybe even in that moment. It makes it feel less isolating. Being a highly sensitive person is just so overwhelming sometimes. It’s a blessing but sometimes also a curse because every little thing hit me in life. I worry too much, I get anxious fast and I feel every emotion of all the people I love in life. It’s hard to be sensitive in a world where not everyone understands that.

What I’m the most afraid of is thinking that I won’t reach my dreams in life. I’m happy seeing my friends and all the people I love getting married, having babies and doing all the things they love. I just wish I will live the life I dream of too in the future. Yesterday I applied again to a job which is to work for the surf brand O’Neill in a shop in Spain. I just never get any reply back from a job and if I get one then it’s mostly negative. It makes me feel like I want to give up on everything in life. I’m tired. Really. I’m so tired of everything. I’m 26 years, still so young and have my life ahead of me. How can I say that? It’s just how I feel. Feeling anxious about a lot of things and going through life while feeling anxious is really exhausting. I just wish there would be a cure to that. I just also always feel like nothing makes sense if we all die one day. It makes me go in a negative state and it’s hard to let those thoughts go in that moment.

The most inspiring thing of all of this is that YES OF COURSE I HAVE DREAMS ✨. I want to be able to say I went for it and made them all come true. I just don’t know how to begin. I want to write a poetry book and maybe publish it. I want to be able to surf well and surf some waves 🏄‍♀️🌊. I want to travel the world and go to amazing places like Costa Rica, Hawaii, California and Aruba 🇦🇼 🌴. I want to take singing 🎶 classes or maybe join a choir again. I want to go to the yoga retreat of Yoga Girl in Aruba. I would love to have a house on the beach and see the sea every time I wake up. I just want to live a happy life, do the things I love, be surrounded by the people I love and not feel constantly anxious about everything. Most of all, I just want to heal myself while I heal others in this world 🌍. Is that too much to ask for? I want to be of service in this world and I know that will be the key to contribute to the world while feeling purposeful. Just writing these sentences makes me cry because deep down in my heart I know that I have a purpose. It’s just that I don’t know how to make all these dreams happen and I find it hard to find a specific job in something I love to do. Then I feel overwhelmed and get anxious of all of it and don’t do anything.

One of my best pen pal friends wrote me some lovely messages today and one of them was that I’m being too hard on myself. It’s definitely true and I always have been way too hard on myself. I also sometimes feel that I give more love then I will ever receive in my life which I wrote about in this blog post. I truly believe that there are some people born who give more love than they will ever receive back. I’m also one of them. I’m a giver. I give too much and you can’t go on in life when you are constantly giving and not receiving the same love back. It makes it all so exhausting. I have to be able to set more boundaries.

So back to my question. Will I ever be able to make my big dreams come true? Maybe I will but it all just takes time. It’s also okay if I think of new dreams and throw other dreams in the bin. Life changes constantly and so do we. Experiences change us. Our interest changes within the years through life. We have just this one life. We are all doing the best we can. It’s okay to cry, to be angry and to be happy. My most important lesson of today was that it’s okay to feel. Let it be 💗🙏.

To love and let go, love and let go, love and let go…it’s the single most important thing we can learn in this lifetime.– Rachel Brathen

Rachel Brathen also called Yoga Girl which is my biggest inspiration in life wrote a new book which is about loss, gratitude and love. She lost her best friend in a car accident while she was going through surgery for her appendix. It’s a heartbreaking story. I’m ready to heal my heart while reading this book. It will come this week by post. I need it. It’s about all kinds of loss in life.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also feel this way? What advice would you give me? How do I feel less lonely and more purposeful in life? How can we all reach our wildest dreams while being fearful and anxious all the time? Let me know lovelies. Your words and advice are always so appreciated 💗🙏. I love you all so much. Thank you for always holding space for me. I will be there for you too. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

Reflection on 2018 & happy new year to you all! 🎉✨💕💫

Hey lovelies 💕,

Happy new year to you all! ✨🎉 In this post I will talk about my 2018 and will show you how I celebrated New Year’s Eve. I’m glad I don’t have a cold amymore but just tonight I got my period so yeah that also sucks 😭 I’m glad I take medication for the cramps because otherwise I wouldn’t survive it. Besides, I’m also being anxious about my appointment of getting one of my wisdom teeth pulled out this week. I keep postponing the appointment. I know I have to do it but I’m so scared. H e l p. I also don’t want to do it in Holland. Here in Spain it’s much cheaper and the dentist understands my anxiety but I’m still so afraid and I just feel like I can’t cope. If anyone have some more tips to survive it I will be forever grateful 🙏💕 I can always take medication for anxiety if that’s enough to help me cope with it.

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We are already in 2019. A year has flown by. As usually I want to reflect on my year with this post and also write some important things for you all. Every year has its ups and downs. Every year consists of good things and bad things which happen to us. The most important thing is how we react to all these things. I know how hard it’s to stay positive in this sometimes dark world. I just keep believing that there are so many good things in the world and that there are indeed so many good people. You just have to find your tribe. I’m so glad I did.

I’m so happy with my blogging community, mental health community, Yoga Girl community and the goddess revolution community. I’m thankful that I joined these communities this year. They made me feel less alone and so much happier. If I’m in Holland I will maybe go to a meet up with some yoga girls. I also really wish that we will continue to all be friends and hopefully one day we will all meet ✨ I know the universe brought us all together for a reason which is to be connected with awesome people, share our struggles and feel supported.

I learned a lot this year. I learn every day from this world. This year I realized that there are truly lovely people who care about you and want you to be happy. I learned that it’s better to have a few good friends than a million of fake friends. The ones who love you will always be there for you no matter what. I learned that true love exists when I saw my brother getting married in August in Spain. I learned that this life is an adventure. Sometimes we win and sometimes we loose. We learn from every experience. I also learned that it’s okay if I’m not where I want to be in life. I still have a long way to go. I will find a career I love and will keep growing. It all takes time, pacience and trust in myself. I have to love myself, believe in myself and know that I can make my dreams come true such as working and living in Spain ✨

I also went to my first feminist strike in Valladolid, in Spain on International Women’s Day on the 8th of March with my mother. This was such an empowerful event. I never went to a demonstration before. I really wish 2019 will be the year that less women will be suffering from violence. I wish that women and men have the same human rights. Together we are starting a revolution. This is just the beginning. 2019 will be the year where women can be themselves, love themselves and love each other 💕

This year I also learned that music is the best thing in life 🎶 I would be lost without music. I went to so many amazing concerts such as the Operación Triunfo 2017 concert in Madrid with my friend Maria 💕 Operación Triunfo makes me so happy and full of life. I also enjoyed the concert of Pablo Alboran, Chenoa, Hombres G and Celtas Cortos with my mother in Valladolid. I also enjoyed so much the concert of Sofia Ellar with my friend Maria. I can’t wait to see her again. It was so lovely to meet Sofia and get a picture with her. She’s the best and I can’t wait to see her singing again 😍

This year I began to read again a lot which I loved to do so much when I was younger. I will continue reading this new year. I also kept writing and being creative. I hope to create more amazing content on this blog. Writing is amazing. I travelled to Madrid, Granada, Santander and Somo. I discovered Somo which is a beautiful surfing village in the north of Spain. In 2019 I really want to go to a surf camp again 🏄‍♀️🌊🌞. I didn’t go surfing for more than two years. I miss it so much. It’s also so good for my mental health. The sea is my home and cleans my soul. The beach is my favourite place on this earth. I can’t wait to travel to more amazing places and meet more amazing people.

Somo, Santander (September 2018)

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Granada, Andalucia (July 2018)

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La Rábita, Mediterranean Sea, Granada (July 2018)

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Madrid (March 2018)

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Maybe for some of you this year was a hard year. Maybe some of you have lost someone close to you. Maybe you just didn’t felt okay and were struggling. I’m here for you. It’s okay to grief. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel sad. Feelings change and emotions change but it all takes time. Try to not be hard on yourself next year. Remember, I’ll will always be there for you 💕 I hope you will invest in self love and self care this new year because that’s the most important thing that matters. I also encourage you all to surround yourself with people who love you and who bring you only good vibes because you deserve that ✨.

I celebrated my New Year’s Eve in Valladolid, in Spain. I decided to not go out with my friends. I also didn’t go out last year. I used to party every year but I don’t feel in the mood anymore. I have to do what feels good to me. I went to the hairdressers in the afternoon to cut the dead ends, my bangs and they made curls in my hair. I love to look good for myself. I dressed up at home and did my make up. My mother and I went to the house of the mother of the wife of my brother. We celebrated all together New Year’s Eve: Rafael, my mother, Véronica, Véronica’s mother and her brother. We enjoyed eating delicious Spanish food.

We ate cheese, jamon serrano, chorizo, bread and chicken. I didn’t eat the fish because I don’t like fish so much haha 😂 At 12 o’clock we watched the television and ate the 12 grapes. We also had champagne 🥂. It’s a tradition in Spain to eat the 12 grapes. They say it brings luck. We watched television where we were hearing beautiful music and we played Spanish card games. I really loved it so much. I love playing games with my family. At 3.30 am my mother and I went home and we stayed in watching some television. We went to bed at 6 am pretty late but doesn’t matter because it’s a special night. I’m glad I didn’t go out because as soon as we were home I got my period haha. On New Year’s Day we just stayed in and chilled. I saw the movie Grease. I just love that movie & the music so much 😍 I also saw the movie Paper Towns which I love so much from John Green. I already saw this movie with my best friend one day and loved it.

l wish you all an amazing new year full of love, happiness and luck 🍀✨✌️ Stay strong & stay safe. We are all in this together 💪 I love you all so so so much ❤️. Thank you all for reading. How was your New Year’s Eve? Did you stay at home or did you went to a party? Which are your goals or dreams to achieve in 2019? I would love to know. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

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Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

10 life lessons I’ve learned in 24 years 

Hola lovely bloggers 💕,

My birthday is exactly in two weeks. I will be 25 years old on the first of June. A quarter of a century… Omg so old hahah. This blog post will about 10 life lessons I’ve learned in 24 years. I hope you can all somehow relate to my life lessons. These 10 life lessons are not in any rank. I find them all equally important.

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1. Not because you took longer than others you failed

I had to do my final exam of college of a subject called Legal Dimension of Europe which was about law in August last year. I did that exam in June too but failed for 0.5 point. I felt overwhelming sad and stressed. I thought I was never being able to graduate. My study was 4 years but I took two years longer because of anxiety and the break up of my first love which was when I was 19 years old. I had to do a lot of subjects these last two years which I skipped before. I made myself feeling so stressed because of those negative thoughts that I would never graduate. At the end, I passed that exam with an 8 in August and could graduate. I learned to never give up because at the end you will succeed. I learned that it doesn’t matter if you took longer than others. It doesn’t mean you failed.

2. Everything will happen in the right time

This is also a point which relate to my words on the first life lesso. There’s not a rule in life which says that you have to graduate at 20, have your first real job at 22, get married at 25 or have children at 26 for example. I learned that everything will happen on my own time. I still sometimes find myself thinking that I have to have my life together now. It’s all okay and everything will happen when it’s your time and when feel ready for it. You have your whole life to make anything happen. Just be patient and try not to stress so much about it.

3. It’s better to have a few real friends than a million of fake friends

I’m now living in Spain and haven’t seen my friends in The Netherlands for like 6 months. I also have some friends around the whole world who I haven’t seen for years. I know they will always be my friends. The distance doesn’t matter if the friendship is real. I learned that it’s way better to have a few good friends than many fake friends. I always wanted to have a lot friends but I realised it isn’t worth to have so many friends. I’m happy I loose contact with fake people because they weren’t my friends. A friend would never bully you, laugh about you or talk behind your back. I learned that you can count your real friends on two hands and that they will always understand you and be there for you no matter what.

4. Blogging made me realise that there are still good people in this world

Sometimes I was thinking about all those horrible things that bad people do in this world. I know there are lot of bad people out there but let’s never forget that there are still good people out there. You just have to find the rights ones. I’m so glad that since I began this blogging adventure last year in August I came in contact with so many amazing people. People who have beautiful values such as being honest, sensitive, vulnerable and real. I love that I made so many great friends online. I love this blogging community so much. I love to make friends with authentic and awesome people like you all are! ❤ Thank you for always holding space for me and for understanding my thoughts and emotions. It means the world to me.

5. Saving money is really important

I have been studying two years more than my actually studies were. I’m not so much as debt as other people I know. I only have a debt around €2500 – €3000. For me, it sounded very much but then my parents said than when I earn money I can pay it soon back. Of course, I would need a well paying job. I have savings on my bank account and I’m trying to save money that I get for example for my birthday. I’m realizing this year that saving money is really important. I know that when I’m going to work I will save some money on my savings account. I could save this money for taking driving lessons once. I’m really afraid to take driving lessons once but I really want to be able to drive. In June, I’m going to have conversations in English with a child and get €12 each hour so I will save this money. The point is that I find saving money sometimes really difficult because I love to travel, buy concert tickets, buy books, buy food and clothes. I hope I can save this year more and more.

6. Family will always be there for you

I love my family so much. We can get along so well even though in some subjects we may agree. That’s all okay. What’s important is that I realised that my family definitely will always be there for me, in good and bad times. I have had some people in my life who were fake friends and left me alone when I felt bad. My family will always support me and not leave me when life gets though.

7. Let all the toxic people go in your life

I’m happy that I let all those toxic people go in my life. I just don’t want to have people in my life who bully me, talk behind my back and laugh at my face. Those are not what friends do to you. It’s really good to let those toxic people go because you will feel so lighter and happier. I only want good people in my life such as my real friends and family who will always support me and help me. Toxic people will only create drama, gossips and make you feel bad about youself. Life is too short for all that drama.

8. Follow only people who make you feel good about yourself on social media

I deleted and blocked a lot of people on my social media accounts because I don’t want to have people who only cause drama and negativity in my life. It isn’t worth it. Social media can be a storm of drama and negativity but it’s important to use it the right way. Unfollow accounts which make you bad about yourself such as a top model who look a certain way. You may think that if you look that way you will be happy with youself when it isn’t true. I love to follow people who inspire me and make me feel good about myself such as a famous international yoga teacher called Yoga Girl also known as Rachel Brathen. I love to follow real authentic people who share the good and the bad in life, who are vulnerable and real. I dislike those accounts who only share the good. Life isn’t perfect and on social media many people only share the good and I just don’t like that because it isn’t real. We all have ups and downs in life. The most authentic people on social media are the ones who show that like Yoga Girl and stay true to theirselves. That’s what make people authentic.

9. Always follow your heart and your dreams

I learned an important lesson as I’m 24 years old right now. This lesson is that you always have to follow your dreams even though you may fail. If you never try, you never know if you will make your dream come true. I’m a strong believer that following your dreams in life is really important and it makes your life purposeful. When I entered the contest to win a trip to New York City and speak at the United Nations I never knew I could win this contest. I won with writing an essay in Spanish about equality of women and men. If I never entered the contest I would never know if I could win. I was so happy to win. My dream was to go to New York City and speaking at the United Nations was just an amazing dream that came true. Always follow your heart and dreams. Deep down in your heart you know what you want but sometimes you are just too scared to take that first step forward to make your wildest and biggest dreams come true. I encourage you to do it because you never know what can happen. It will change your life and you will happy you took that first step forward. Keep on dreaming and dream big! 💕🌠

10. Travell as much as you can, as far as you can and as long as you can

Education will learn you many things but travelling will learn you things about life you don’t learn at school or in college. Travelling makes me come in contact with different cultures and languages. I love travelling and I will never stop travelling. New York City is the place I visited which was the most far away from my home in The Netherlands and Spain. I hope to visit it again and I hope to travel more and even more far away such Australia and South America. Never stop travelling. I’m so happy with all the friends I met. I have friends all over the world and I can’t wait to see them all again. Travelling will make your soul richer with every experience and will definitely make you come out of your comfortzone. You will not regret it. Go travel the world. The world is waiting for you to discover every place of it 🌍

I hope you all liked these 10 life lessons I’ve learned in 24 years. Let me know if you agree or relate to any of these lessons. I will speak to you all in my next blog post! Thank you all for reading.

Much love 😘,

xoxo Christina