I faced my anxiety again and got my second wisdom tooth extraction! πŸ’ͺπŸ¦·πŸ‘Š

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

On the 24th of August I faced my dentist anxiety again. By then I still had to get rid of three wisdom teeth. Now only two 🦷🦷 lol it sounds less which makes me feel a bit more calm and happier. Yeahhhh I say byebye again to one wisdom tooth! πŸ˜‚. In this blog post I will tell you about my experience. I always love to talk about the things I fear on my blog and also related to anxiety because I know I’m not the only one facing these fears. It makes me feel less alone and writing release some anxiety which always good. Writing means healing and letting go.

So, the night before I was SO anxious again 😭. People say that the more you do something, the less scared you are. It ain’t no true when you suffer from a mental illness like anxiety. I still feel anxious even if I do something a million times like flying or going to the dentist. My heart was beating fast the night before and the day itself which was Monday. My appointment was late in the afternoon. I felt nauseous too. I always don’t eat much when I do something which scares me because otherwise I have to tendency to vomit because of anxiety. It always makes me feel ashamed to admit that but it doesn’t matter because everyone has something. There’s no person in this world who is never anxious. I just feel it a million times more which makes it so hard. The last time I went for a wisdom tooth extraction was in January. This time I could except more what would happen which maybe made me feel a bit more grounded. I also went swimming a lot the days before and did some meditation but I still felt so anxious.

I deciced together with my dentist that the best thing is to do it one by one. People said to me why don’t you just get rid of the four in one time. That treatment would be longer, I would have more pain and even more anxiety. Here in Spain they do it one by one, much better. Besides, I have to do what makes me feel good and not what other people except me to do. As I suffer from anxiety, I prefer to do things in parts. If you are anxious about something like going to the dentist or studying for an exam, a good way to release some anxiety is to break that daunting task into little parts. This way your brain will take it better. For me it works. I get really overwhelmed when I have to do something scary all at once.

The thing which makes me keep going to the dentist even though I’m scared is trust. I trust this dentist and his team. I trust them with all my heart πŸ’–πŸ™. I’m always afraid of people hurting me because of being bullied in the past. It makes me trust people less. Here I feel safe and respected. If I’m anxious, so be it. If I cry then that’s okay too. Trusting in people whether those are professionals, your friends or family is so important. We all need this in life. It gives us a sense of safety. I had to wait at the dental clinic with my mother for more than a half hour because there were more people. I drank some water and prefered to wait there then go outside. I was the last one because they close at 8.30/9.00 PM. Fernando (the dentist) came and I was like bybye I will go run away 🀣. He found that funny. I love it how you can call them their first names and they do the same with me. It makes it all less scary and more familiar.

So, I lay down and said how I would prefer to be on a beach right now. He laughed. I really find it funny how dentists talk with their patients while they are doing stuff in their mouth it’s like halooooo how can I talk normally?! I know they do it to ease the tension and be less anxious. Just when he was putting the local anesthesia in my mouth he asked me if I was working or studying. I said no. I said that I spent my time crying and having anxiety in life. It’s not totally true but I said that I’m also writing for some poetry competitions. Unfortunately I didn’t win any of them. Then he said oh you can have a blog. I said that I have one. I said: “I wrote about you haha”. Fernando: “I hope it was something positive.” I said: “No haha πŸ˜‚.” He looked at me like big eyes πŸ‘€. I was like no of course something positive! πŸ’ž He was happy to hear that. End well haha. It’s so nice to talk to him because it feels like I’m talking to a friend instead of a doctor.

This time I felt the needle πŸ’‰ of the local anesthesia even less. I got again the squeeze shark haha 🦈. I have it in my hands and can squeeze it. It helps for people who are anxious. Fidget toys help too. Fernando is even specialised in people who have anxiety because he definitely makes me feel so at peace. He said breath in slowly, breath out slowly and it worked. Then my mouth was numb and he could take my teeth out. It took a bit more time to get this teeth out but eventually it went well. All the time he asked if I had pain and I said no. I just felt some pressure. Then I heard click and that moment was the one he took my teeth out. There wasn’t even much blood. This time I saved the teeth. It’s now at home haha I will keep it for the tooth fairy lol. I wish I were that young again. I don’t know what he does but he is amazing. Best dentist evah. I really love them so much 😍😭.

He prescribed me again antibiotics, probiotics and ibuprofen for the pain. We had a lovely chat afterwards. He said that maybe I could have low blood pressure if sometimes I’m dizzy and anxious. He wanted to go to Mallorca but this year he won’t go on holidays because of the pandemic. I told him he is very tan haha. He is just really handsome. We got a free toothpasta. He said he don’t watch so much news which is much better. Then he told us a horrible story. Fernando said a man from 82 years old died by suicide this year because he was done with reading only negative news πŸ˜”πŸ˜’. It really hit him because he was a patient of him. It happened in front of the dental clinic. It’s really horrible to know that so many people are suffering now from mental health illnesses and nobody is doing saying anything about it. This pandemic is hitting us all hard economically, health wise too and mentally. I stopped reading and watching the news these last months because I couldn’t cope with it too. I get into a negative and anxious spiral which is difficult to get out of. I just want to know some stuff regarding travelling because we are always between Spain and The Netherlands but that’s it. I know me, my mother and my friends follow the safety measures which are washing our hands, wearing a mask and do social distance. I can’t control others so that’s it. It makes me so sad that this man didn’t had any support and felt so low to end his life. My heart is with him.

After this talk Fernando said don’t forget to have the gauze 20 minutes. I said yes but uhhh it was 30 minutes, right?! He said 10 minutes has passed now haha talking. We both laughed lol I really these chats so much. Everything goes so smoothly and so chill. It feels like I’m chilling with a friend. I have felt so much emotions these days. I was feeling low and high on energy. After having so much anxiety I felt relief and I felt again the feeling of letting something go. I may loose all my wisdom teeth but at the end I gain wisdom from this experience. I felt also very tired these days, maybe it’s because of the meds. The first night I couldn’t sleep on the side I always sleep so it frustated me. I had pain for a few days and now I feel almost like normal again. I ate solid food, some soft bread, gazpacho which is a delicious cold Spanish soup, tortilla de patata, pasta and veggie pures. It was all so delicious. I miss pizza πŸ•πŸ˜‹ though haha.

On Wednesday I went again for a check up at the dentist I had this white dress on and make up. I love to look good for myself. Then I was sitting on the chair and he said that I looked very good (EstΓ‘s muy guapa). And then without thinking I said haha for you πŸ˜‚. This is me being direct always 🀭. Fernando found it funny lol. He also said that the lower wisdom teeth removal will hurt a bit more but nothing like a brave woman like me won’t be able to tolerate. I felt completely flattered. If more men would be like him, this world would definitely be a better place. Of course, I love to look well for me. I will never ever again change myself for anyone. In the past I’ve done that which means wearing high heels for my ex but I really hated it. He said it made me have more self confidence. Wrong!!!! I did that for him. He said all girls wear high heels. I let the wild woman roar 🐺, the more authentic and honest I’m with myself. Not everyone likes that but that doesn’t matter. This is me. I’m my beautiful self which is the best way I can be. I’m a wild woman, watch me rise up πŸ”₯

The thing is that sometimes I feel like I’m in love with this dentist 😍πŸ₯°. Maybe it’s just me being cray cray haha. I think this feeling is normal when doctors take such good care of you, respect you and know how to care about your mental health too. I come from a traumatic experience in The Netherlands where a dentist said I’m childish and 15 years old. Now, I have a totally different experience which makes me feel in awe with the world. There are so many good people out there who wants best for you. Someone who gets me when I’m anxious deserves it all. I really need it. I don’t know if these feelings are mutual lol in love what?! I guess he just knows how to be there for me and make me feel less anxious. I hope that the next two times I have to go will go also well even though I still will be anxious. That will not change because I’m an anxious person but of course it’s not part of my personality. It will never be. I’m a loving, sensitive and caring person who suffers from anxiety. That’s the difference. We are all in this together. We are never alone in our struggles. I’m always here for you all πŸ™.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you liked it. Did you also had to have a wisdom teeth extraction? Was it painful? What do you think of the things my dentist said to me? Is it love haha? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina

Stop making a taboo about having periods

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I just had to write this blog post because I feel bad these days because of my upcoming period. I find it important to raise awareness about having our periods. I’m going to talk about period pain and periods in general. I already talked about it one day. I don’t understand why we don’t talk more about it and why it’s still considered a taboo when it’s something natural. I think we have to talk more about it so that women don’t feel alone while suffering each month from heavy pain, blood, mood swings and everything which comes with having our periods. Men often say that women get crazy when their period is coming well we aren’t crazy, our hormones are making us feel that way. It’s not something we choose for. I find it always so disgusting when people say that we like to be completely mad. If they would suffer from it, they wouldn’t say that because then they would know how it feels. You never know what’s someone is going through until you feel those feelings and those experiences by yourself.

So, Saturday night I experienced so much pain that I thought OMG I will die. I was sitting on the floor covering my tummy. My body was IN SO MUCH PAIN. I cried so much. I know almost certain that it has to do with my period coming and pms. It isn’t normal though. I have always had painful and heavy periods. I know I’m not the only woman suffering through this 😭. It’s so hard. The strange thing is that I never felt it that way and I still don’t have my period. I think it’s pms because for the rest I’m not sick or anything. I also feel angry and emotional. I also feel way more anxious before my period. I also have read that it’s because of our hormones. They make us feel like crazy. I always have mood swings before period and I’m so hungry. I just ate a pizza πŸ• last night haha. I craved it so badly πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‹.

There’s still a taboo talking about it. I know some men don’t like to hear it and find it gross. I remember one time I was on my period during high school and I always bleed so much. I knew my jeans were a bit red 😭. I wanted to go to the toilet but they didn’t let me. I didn’t say I had my period. I found it so uncomfortable. I also have heard of men who are super supportive and that makes me so happy. The friends I have in my life who are men are very supportive and care about me. That’s the direction we have to go. Well, it’s the most natural thing ever of being a women which has to be respected. Maybe if women had more information and resources, pain and other issues surrounding our moon would be more manageable. We can’t fix a problem when we can’t talk about it. Talking about it helps to raise awareness and will make us come to a solution all together. I also agree that women have to get more benefits surrounding their periods like free days at work and that pads, tampons and every other product for our periods doesn’t cost anything anymore. We don’t ask for it. Condoms are often given for free but we have to buy these products which also cost so much money. It is definitely not fair at all.

Years ago, women had their period always in sync with the full moon 🌜. That’s why they also call it our moon. It goes in sync with how we feel too. Before our period we may feel more emotional, heavy, sad, angry or just feel that something is off. That means the end of something. When our period begins we begin a new life, a new cycle. Maybe my period is coming on the full moon this Thursday. When I read this somewhere on the internet I felt in awe 🌝. The full moon has definitely an effect on us. I sleep worse the night before and feel more emotional. It’s so beautiful to think we can bring a life into this world. We women are magical creatures of the universe βœ¨πŸ’ž and have to embrace this with our whole heart. The thought of one day getting a baby is beautiful but at the same time it overwhelms me. I don’t know how to take sometimes good care of myself. How would I be able to take care of a child? Also, I’m afraid of getting pregnant and giving birth. I already feel so bad with having my period every month. How would I survive giving birth? I don’t think I’m the only thinking this. I also find it good that women don’t have to have children because it’s their choice like to do abortion too. Every women has the right to decide what to do with their bodies.

I think I will have to check this problem soon because what I felt last weekend was the worst 😒. I’m always anxious about going to the doctor so I don’t go only when I really have to. It gets worse every month. I hope I don’t have anything serious or like endometriose. I know many of my friends also suffer this way and some women don’t feel much. They are definitely the lucky ones. I wish my life was pain free, oh how a different world would that be. Sometimes I wouldn’t be able to walk because of so much cramps. I’m happy I have Aleve meds which is Naproxen and helps very well. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to cope at all. I just don’t know if I would like to take birth control because I also read some bad stories with side effects. I don’t know if that would be good for my mental health. I just don’t really know what is good or bad for my body.

I just really think we have to talk more about our periods without any shame. It’s 2020 and it’s about time to stop hiding our feelings or thoughts on important topics such as this one in the world. Only then we can come to a solution and feel less alone in our struggles. I’m so happy my mamita is always there to comfort me. Also, my daddy understands me because he sees me suffering every damn month 😒. I wish everyone has a person that is there for them. No one has to deal with hard stuff in life alone. No women has to go through this alone every time of the month. I hope you have friends, family and other loved ones who are there for you when you feel bad during that time of the month. You deserve that love and compassion so much. Your feelings are valid. You are not alone πŸ’žπŸŒˆπŸ™. You are loved. I love you all.

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. I found it important to talk about this subject. How are your periods? Do you take meds or birth control? What are some tips to ease the pain? I’m always here for you. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Coronavirus: Is this a wake up call for the world?! πŸŒ

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I know all we can talk about now in the world is the coronavirus (Covid-19). I wanted to post a blog post about some happy stuff such as some book reviews but I really need to talk about this. I have to describe my feelings and thoughts on it as I always do with important topics such as mental health, feminism, injustice in the world and other topics. I need to let my thoughts go and write it down here or I will feel that I explode πŸ˜₯. My mind is so full these days. I’m not doing okay.

So, I can’t sleep well anymore. I feel so bad and anxious. I’m crying every day 😒. I don’t know how to cope. I have cramps in my stomach. It’s in times I didn’t felt so bad. This virus only increased my anxiety. How can I feel less anxious when the situation is getting worse every day and people are dying? I feel hopeless. There’s an outbreak of a pandemic in the world right now. The coronavirus feels like the flu but it’s worse because you have fever, cough and it effects your lungs. It all began in China in December. They eat a lot of strange food there such as living animals such as cats, dogs and whatever. My daddy said that the virus comes from bats. I’m of course not a doctor and don’t know much about viruses but all we know is that it’s spreading to every country. If I’m affected I could infect three other people.

I have sometimes health anxiety so I’m also a bit worried to get this virus to be honest. I think it’s normal that we are worried because our health is the most important thing in life. What I’m also worried about is the people who are vulnerable and the elderly people. My father for example has diabetics so it could be dangerous for him. What I don’t like about what’s happening now is that many people especially young people think oh only the old people die or the sick ones. That’s being so EGOISTIC. Writing this I feel tears in my eyes coming because I CARE. I care sometimes way too much about people, this earth and everyone because of being a highly sensitive person and also suffering from anxiety. I care about someone dying being 75 years old of coronavirus even though I don’t know that person. It could be your father, daughter, grandmother. Every one deserves a good life and deserves to live and be treaten well πŸ’–πŸ™.

Everything is cancelled right now 🚫. In The Netherlands there are no concerts, theater, cinema, sport events happening anymore and all schools are closed. I’m worried about that Eurovision in May will be cancelled too. I hope to go another day. I was so happy when this year began because of this event and good stuff. I’m worried about my friends in Italy being locked down. Spain has now declared an emergency state. I’m worried about my family and friends there. They only can leave the house for meds, work or to go to the supermarket. My mother and I are supposed to go in two weeks but that isn’t possible anymore. Tonight they closed the borders. It makes me sad to not be able to go as we never experienced this. None of us does. It feels lik a movie but it’s happening and it’s real. Scary stuff 😒. I just hope we can enjoy Summer time 🌞 in Spain because otherwise I will get so depressed and anxious. I don’t like Summer in The Netherlands because the sun doesn’t shine that much. I’m just always so happy in Spain. Holy week in Spain is cancelled too. I would have to go to the dentist in Spain too but right now it isn’t an emegerncy as I have no pain.

I’m a highly sensitive person, an empath and suffer from anxiety. This is maybe not the best combination in the midst of the Coronavirus. I care always so much about others and everything that it all affects me emotionally. I suffer more but I also love more. I’m here for all the ones in need. You can always talk to me. We are not alone πŸ’ͺ We are all in this together.

I just got inspired to write this post too because of Melissa Wells. Maybe everything what’s happening now is a wake up call for the damn world. Care about the elderly. Help people in need. Think of the ones working in the hospital sector and supermarkts. I’m seeing also very good deeds this week such as people donating blood in Spain for the people who need it. Doctors from China are helping Italy and Spain with medical products. The supermarkets are almost empty here and also in the rest of the world. I don’t find that at all funny. Maybe this pandemic virus is a wake up call for the world like that we have to be more compassionate, less egostic and think of others. Don’t buy so much stuff in the supermarkets because then someone else can’t buy toilet paper or hand gel or food. Think more of others than of yourself.

All people think of nowadays is me, myself and I. It’s the wrong way. We are all human and we all long for the same things such as food security, love, safety and being healthy. I also feel that this lack of control and uncertainty is making me more anxious. All governments and society thinks about is money and power. I’m a hippie by heart and just never feel like I approve with the society we are living in. Maybe more people feel that way.

Citizens have to be responsible for their actions too. In Italy and Spain they aren’t allowed to go outside or have fun with friends in some bar. Take these measures seriously. Many young people can’t die from it, but if you do get infected you can make others infected like people who are in a vulnerable state or older people. Your actions could be the death of someone else. Buy responsibly πŸ›’. My mother wanted to buy paracetamol today and saw everyone being greedy and getting them. That isn’t the way to handle things in life. I saw a picture where Italy has almost no pollution in the air and is clear. You see, we can fight climate change all together πŸ’ͺπŸ€—. I saw people donating loads of blood in Spain. Good things happen every day. We can all make a change in this world.

I will stay mostly at home now. It’s time to slow down. It’s time to help others and not think of me, myself and I. Let’s be compassionate, solidair and less egoistic. Follow the health instructions. Don’t buy everything you see in the supermarkets because then there will be nothing left for others. We have to be all strong together and help each other. We are all in this together. I’m also anxious right now but I hope this situation will be solved as long as we take all measures seriously. Wash your hands well and focus less on social media. I also have to watch less news as that only increase my anxiety and doesn’t solve anything. We will see what will happening the coming days. Stay safe at home 🏑, read books πŸ“š, blog, watch series and movies 🎬, or listen to podcasts. There are so many nice things to do at home. We don’t always have to be outside to have fun.

It’s time that countries work together with each other to combate this pandemic of Coronavirus. We are all together in this. 2020 is the year that will change our view of the world because of this health crisis. We will make it out stronger and hopefully we will learn to be more responsible for this earth and for all its people πŸŒπŸ’•.

At the end, everything will be allright. Take care, stay safe and love because that will never be cancelled πŸ’–πŸ’‹πŸ€—βœ¨I’m here for you all. I love you all so much!

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. I hope it didn’t sound depressing. I just wanted to share the good and the bad like always. How do you feel about the Coronavirus? Are you anxious? How’s it in your country? What do you do to calm yourself down? I really need some support right now. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Poem: Life is unfair

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I wrote this a few days ago because I was feeling emotional and had to cry. It’s about an illness you all know: cancer. I wrote a poem about it too.

Lately I can’t sleep well so last night was not an exception. What do I do when I can’t sleep? Writing, writing and writing. I love to write especially poems as well. When there’s so much in my mind I need to let it go. You know that feeling that even though when you are struggling yourself you want to help people who are struggling too? That feeling of impotence is what I feel right now. It makes me even feel guilty to have fun in life sometimes because I see so much pain in this world which breaks my whole heart πŸ’”πŸ˜’

I’m really feeling all the feels. I feel emotional and I also feel anger. Life is so unfair. I cried when I heard the awful news that Lisa from my choir died from cancer which I wrote in this post. I cried when I heard that my neighbour died last month because of cancer. I cried when I heard that someone I know very well has cancer now. Here I’m crying again because Lisanne has another form of cancer again 😒 It’s just so awful. She has neuroblastoma and now she has leucemia too. Lisanne is almost 6 years old. She is a child from a man which I know from my choir too. I’m thinking that this could happen to any child like my niece too.

I just had to write this poem in respect for everyone who has lost someone because of cancer or is going through this sickness. I also shared it on my poetry account seaofwordsx. I’m here for you all πŸ’—. In the past I donated money for a cancer organization and also for the organization for neuroblastoma. I will keep doing that in the future because I hope that that will cure more people of cancer πŸ™.

I’m always here for anyone who needs me. I love to help people and will keep doing that forever. We are always in this together πŸ’ͺ I’m sending you all my love and strength. I love you all so so so much πŸ’ž

Thank you all for reading this blog post and my poem. I hope you liked it and it inspired you ✨. Did you love my poem? Do you also know someone who suffers from cancer? Do you also sometimes feel impotence when you see so many people suffering in the world and you don’t know how to help them? I will speak you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Reflection on 2018 & happy new year to you all! πŸŽ‰βœ¨πŸ’•πŸ’«

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Happy new year to you all! βœ¨πŸŽ‰ In this post I will talk about my 2018 and will show you how I celebrated New Year’s Eve. I’m glad I don’t have a cold amymore but just tonight I got my period so yeah that also sucks 😭 I’m glad I take medication for the cramps because otherwise I wouldn’t survive it. Besides, I’m also being anxious about my appointment of getting one of my wisdom teeth pulled out this week. I keep postponing the appointment. I know I have to do it but I’m so scared. H e l p. I also don’t want to do it in Holland. Here in Spain it’s much cheaper and the dentist understands my anxiety but I’m still so afraid and I just feel like I can’t cope. If anyone have some more tips to survive it I will be forever grateful πŸ™πŸ’• I can always take medication for anxiety if that’s enough to help me cope with it.

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We are already in 2019. A year has flown by. As usually I want to reflect on my year with this post and also write some important things for you all. Every year has its ups and downs. Every year consists of good things and bad things which happen to us. The most important thing is how we react to all these things. I know how hard it’s to stay positive in this sometimes dark world. I just keep believing that there are so many good things in the world and that there are indeed so many good people. You just have to find your tribe. I’m so glad I did.

I’m so happy with my blogging community, mental health community, Yoga Girl community and the goddess revolution community. I’m thankful that I joined these communities this year. They made me feel less alone and so much happier. If I’m in Holland I will maybe go to a meet up with some yoga girls. I also really wish that we will continue to all be friends and hopefully one day we will all meet ✨ I know the universe brought us all together for a reason which is to be connected with awesome people, share our struggles and feel supported.

I learned a lot this year. I learn every day from this world. This year I realized that there are truly lovely people who care about you and want you to be happy. I learned that it’s better to have a few good friends than a million of fake friends. The ones who love you will always be there for you no matter what. I learned that true love exists when I saw my brother getting married in August in Spain. I learned that this life is an adventure. Sometimes we win and sometimes we loose. We learn from every experience. I also learned that it’s okay if I’m not where I want to be in life. I still have a long way to go. I will find a career I love and will keep growing. It all takes time, pacience and trust in myself. I have to love myself, believe in myself and know that I can make my dreams come true such as working and living in Spain ✨

I also went to my first feminist strike in Valladolid, in Spain on International Women’s Day on the 8th of March with my mother. This was such an empowerful event. I never went to a demonstration before. I really wish 2019 will be the year that less women will be suffering from violence. I wish that women and men have the same human rights. Together we are starting a revolution. This is just the beginning. 2019 will be the year where women can be themselves, love themselves and love each other πŸ’•

This year I also learned that music is the best thing in life 🎢 I would be lost without music. I went to so many amazing concerts such as the OperaciΓ³n Triunfo 2017 concert in Madrid with my friend Maria πŸ’• OperaciΓ³n Triunfo makes me so happy and full of life. I also enjoyed the concert of Pablo Alboran, Chenoa, Hombres G and Celtas Cortos with my mother in Valladolid. I also enjoyed so much the concert of Sofia Ellar with my friend Maria. I can’t wait to see her again. It was so lovely to meet Sofia and get a picture with her. She’s the best and I can’t wait to see her singing again 😍

This year I began to read again a lot which I loved to do so much when I was younger. I will continue reading this new year. I also kept writing and being creative. I hope to create more amazing content on this blog. Writing is amazing. I travelled to Madrid, Granada, Santander and Somo. I discovered Somo which is a beautiful surfing village in the north of Spain. In 2019 I really want to go to a surf camp again πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠπŸŒž. I didn’t go surfing for more than two years. I miss it so much. It’s also so good for my mental health. The sea is my home and cleans my soul. The beach is my favourite place on this earth. I can’t wait to travel to more amazing places and meet more amazing people.

Somo, Santander (September 2018)

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Granada, Andalucia (July 2018)

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La RΓ‘bita, Mediterranean Sea, Granada (July 2018)

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Madrid (March 2018)

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Maybe for some of you this year was a hard year. Maybe some of you have lost someone close to you. Maybe you just didn’t felt okay and were struggling. I’m here for you. It’s okay to grief. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel sad. Feelings change and emotions change but it all takes time. Try to not be hard on yourself next year. Remember, I’ll will always be there for you πŸ’• I hope you will invest in self love and self care this new year because that’s the most important thing that matters. I also encourage you all to surround yourself with people who love you and who bring you only good vibes because you deserve that ✨.

I celebrated my New Year’s Eve in Valladolid, in Spain. I decided to not go out with my friends. I also didn’t go out last year. I used to party every year but I don’t feel in the mood anymore. I have to do what feels good to me. I went to the hairdressers in the afternoon to cut the dead ends, my bangs and they made curls in my hair. I love to look good for myself. I dressed up at home and did my make up. My mother and I went to the house of the mother of the wife of my brother. We celebrated all together New Year’s Eve: Rafael, my mother, VΓ©ronica, VΓ©ronica’s mother and her brother. We enjoyed eating delicious Spanish food.

We ate cheese, jamon serrano, chorizo, bread and chicken. I didn’t eat the fish because I don’t like fish so much haha πŸ˜‚ At 12 o’clock we watched the television and ate the 12 grapes. We also had champagne πŸ₯‚. It’s a tradition in Spain to eat the 12 grapes. They say it brings luck. We watched television where we were hearing beautiful music and we played Spanish card games. I really loved it so much. I love playing games with my family. At 3.30 am my mother and I went home and we stayed in watching some television. We went to bed at 6 am pretty late but doesn’t matter because it’s a special night. I’m glad I didn’t go out because as soon as we were home I got my period haha. On New Year’s Day we just stayed in and chilled. I saw the movie Grease. I just love that movie & the music so much 😍 I also saw the movie Paper Towns which I love so much from John Green. I already saw this movie with my best friend one day and loved it.

l wish you all an amazing new year full of love, happiness and luck πŸ€βœ¨βœŒοΈ Stay strong & stay safe. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ I love you all so so so much ❀️. Thank you all for reading. How was your New Year’s Eve? Did you stay at home or did you went to a party? Which are your goals or dreams to achieve in 2019? I would love to know. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

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Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

World Mental Health Day; Remember, you are not alone πŸ’•

Hola sweeties 😍,

Before I begin with this blog post I would like to share a short summary of the cremation of Lisa where I went last Wednesday. In case you didn’t read my last blog post here’s the link: Life is fragile. I know her from my choir. She got leucemia 8 years ago and got it back this year. She died at such a young age, only 29 years old. Me and my mother had to go one hour by bus to Lisse from Haarlem. We had to walk through a street surrounded by nature. Then we saw a woman in a car who asked us where the cremation was. She was also going and invited us for a ride which was really lovely of her. We were already near. When we arrived I saw some people from my choir and gave them a hug. It was really nice to see everyone again. They were so nice to me. The cerenomy almost looked like a catholic cremation because Lisa and her whole family are catholic.

We could see pictures and videos of Lisa. The choir sang some beautiful songs and also the brother of Lisa sang solo Ave Maria. It was so beautiful and even didn’t feel like a funeral. It was heartbreaking, emotional but also so beautiful. There were some beautiful speeches from her mother, her sister, her brother and her husband. Especially her sister and her hushband had a difficult time speaking. You could hear them crying which was so sad 😒. I didn’t cry that much. I cried already so much at home. It felt strange because I always cry so much. I could see everyone crying. At the end of the cerenomy we had to walk near to the coffin and first I was afraid but it wasn’t so scarry. I didn’t see her dead. The coffin was closed with flowers. I was sad seeing the family in the first row all crying. Then the rest of the cremation was only for the family, friends and some choir members.

Afterwards, I saw some teachers of my primary school and they hugged me and they were all in tears. Also one lovely man of the choir talked with me and I received a message afterwards that he wanted to talk longer with me. He said that I’m always welcome to go fridays after choir repetition to see my choir even if I don’t sing in my choir anymore. I will go once because he always understand me so well. I also told him once about my anxiety and everything. He support me so much. I will always be there for the family, friends and everyone who knows Lisa. I hope she’s in a better place now πŸ™β€. My heart is with all of the people suffering from cancer or any illness.

Now, I’m going to talk about something really important too. This blog post will be about mental health. Today, October the 10th is a really important day in the world. Today it’s world mental health day. This topic is really close to my heart because as you all know I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I have had anxiety my whole life. Some days, months, years are better than others. People always told me that everyone gets nervous for an exam or for big changes in life such as moving out or getting a new job. It’s true that everyone get nervous or anxious. We all have physical and mental health. This two are not separated from each other. They’re connected to each other. Body and mind are one. I also talked about the difference between anxiety and an anxiety disorder in this blog post.

Here are some pictures of beach time 🌊🌞 today in The Netherlands πŸ‡³πŸ‡± I especially bought and wear this shirt of Positive Pages to spread awareness about mental health.

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When you feel like you can’t go trough life and your mental health is affecting all aspects in your life you may have a mental illness. When I get really anxious I feel so sick as in being dizzy, nauseous, heart beating fast, crying, feeling like you are going to die, shaking, and even throw up in some cases. That aren’t just nerves. That’s an anxiety disorder. This is my life. My anxiety disorder effects every aspect of my life. Right now, I’m struggling with my dentist fear and with my fear of trying something new such as getting my first job. It makes me feel so uncomfortable that sometimes I feel like giving up πŸ˜”.

Having a mental illness is so exhausting. I’m not ashamed of sharing my story anymore especially online. In real life I still feel sometimes that I can’t open up 100% and that it’s better to not be real because people wouldn’t understand it. I learned that there will always be people who would understand me and some people won’t. It doesn’t matter. I hope with sharing my story on my blog and on Instagram to inspire other people to be open and talk about it. Spreading awareness about mental health illnesses is just so important. You can also suffer even if you don’t have a mental health illness.

Sometimes I also even felt that my anxiety disorder isn’t such a big deal as there are people who have depression, commited suicide, self harm, bipolar, borderline, ocd, eating disorders and many other mental health illnesses. I’ve learned that every illness counts. Just because someone has it worse than you doesn’t mean your struggles or illnesses don’t count. Every feeling and thought is valid because you are feeling it. You are the only one who suffers from a mental illness every day.

I think the best way to help a loved one who is going through a mental health illness is just to be there for them. Listen to them. Sometimes the best thing you can do is give them a hug and say that you’ll be there for them. Often people give the wrong advice and that doesn’t help at all. For me, knowing that my family, some good friends and my online mental health community on my blog and Instagram will be there for me in good and bad times already makes a difference in my life. I love that I can be real, vulnerable and honest here without feeling judged. I think that’s so important.

There are people who always want to give advice to people and don’t want to hurt that person with their advice but in some way it isn’t good for the person who is suffering. They would say to someone suffering from depression to go for a walk and try to be happy. They would say to me to try to think positive and don’t always think about the worst and to stop worrying. It just isn’t that simple right. I hope that every day we are breaking this taboo of mental health with speaking up about it πŸ’ͺ. Mental health illnesses are real and everyone who suffer from them need support and professional help. How many times did I think I was crazy in my head?! So many times. The thing is I’m not. My mind is sick, this is my story but I’m more things that just a woman with an anxiety disorder. I’m brave to share my story and inspire people. I’m honest. I’m a highly sensitive person. I’m flawed but I’m beautiful and enough. So are you πŸ’œ.

The cure for recovering from a mental health illness is different for anyone. Some try therapy, others try natural meds (in my case it didn’t work out), others take medication such as antidepressants and others try other things or a combination of therapy and medication. I tried some therapy sessions two years ago but it seem to make me even more anxious and I always threw up before I go. I still don’t know if therapy would be good for me. Maybe, I can try therapy in Spain when I hopefully found work there and live there. I’m already taking antidepressants since February 2017, almost two years. It works well but sometimes I can still feel high anxious. I also got subscriped in Spain anti anxiety medication. This really helps me to cope in situations when I feel really anxious such as going to the dentist.

The stigma of taking medication for our mental health illnesses needs to end too. Taking medication can save lives. If it’s okay to go through chemotherapy to cure cancer or to take parecatamol for our headache then it’s okay too to take medication to cure our depression or anxiety. We need this to make us feel a bit better. We don’t have the natural neurotransmitters. We need some help with it. Those aren’t magic pills but will just keep us cope with life.

The thing is there’s no magic cure for curing a mental health illness. It all takes time. Recovery is hard. I think I will have anxiety my whole life but I just find along my way things which help me cope a bit better with it within time. Therapy, medication or other ways… there’s no right way. You just need to do what feels good for you. I hope anyone reading this who is struggling right now with their mental health can get the help and support they need. Speak up and go to a professional. They can help you further. I also know how difficult it’s to speak up so if anyone sees someone struggling or acting different than you are used to, talk with them and ask them how they’re really doing. It’s so important to be able to speak about our feelings and thoughts without feeling judged.

You don’t have to talk about it with everyone. I always thought that if I said I’m doing well and it wasn’t true that I wasn’t 100% real or honest. I got some comments on my blog post a few months ago that it’s okay to not tell everyone everything. I’m always so used to be open. I’m an open book. It’s just important to be able to talk about heavy and uncomfortable stuff with people you trust. Be careful who you let in your life. I hope to not make again mistakes as in way of telling people personal things so that they can hurt me with it. Find friends who love and support you unconditionally. If you feel like you haven’t someone you can trust, remember I’ll always be there for you all πŸ™β€.

Here’s a list of things I do which makes me feel good. It really helps me with living with an anxiety disorder. Maybe, there are things on this list which will help you too.

  • Surfing πŸ„πŸŒŠπŸŒž: I really feel sad that I still didn’t surf since two years. I can’t wait to surf again. The feeling of standing on your surfboard and hearing the waves creates a sense of freedom. I’m forever a beach girl and the ocean is my home.
  • Reading πŸ“š: Lately, I’m into reading again. I used to read so many books in my childhood. It makes me so happy to read great novels and also self helps books which help me cope with living with anxiety.
  • Writing/blogging βœ’πŸ’­: I love to write in my journal or use a scrapbook for all my memories, thoughts and feelings. I also love to write poems. Blogging also always makes me feel better. I’m so happy to have this amazing blog and community where I can write and let everything go. Writing for me is such an important tool to just let all my thoughts go.
  • Singing/Listening to music 🎀🎢: I used to sing in a choir for 11 years. I really miss that time. Hopefully, I will sing in the future again in a choir or something. Singing also always release my emotions and make me feel so happy. I love to record covers and share them. Listening to music also always make me feel so peaceful. It feels great to listen to songs with a lyrics that you feel like it’s written for you. Music is life and will always be there for you in good and bad times.
  • Taking medication πŸ’Š: It can be antidepressants, anti anxiety medication or other medication. Just anything that makes you feel better. Medication saves lives and are important when you need them.
  • Being surrounded by my family and friends who support me πŸ’•: It feels great to talk about your struggles with people you can trust too and who will be there for you. Find your tribe/community. Try to share your inner feelings and thoughts.
  • Enjoying nature πŸŒ³πŸŒΉπŸŒ»πŸ‚πŸƒ: Going for a walk or just being outside in nature can do so many good things for your physical and mental health. Fresh air is all you need to just stay present.
  • Photography πŸ“·: I would like to pick up this hobby again because I love to take pictures. I once used a lomography camera and I’ve made some really mysterious and beautiful pictures. Maybe, one day I will share them on my blog.
  • Being creative 🎨: I love to create a mess of art. I love wreck this journal, paint something abstract or just decorate my room. It feels good to let everything out of your mind and create something with the mess in my mind.
  • Travelling 🌍✈: I love to discover new beautiful places on this big world. Whenever I travel I can distance myself from all the worries I have. Then I feel like my worries aren’t that big compared to the whole universe. Travelling gives me another perspective of life.
  • Swimming 🏊: Swimming is soooo good for your health in general. It makes me feel more peaceful and happier. It’s also good for my back pain and muscles. I need to swim again because it also makes me sleep better and is so good to have less anxiety in life. Swimming is just so relaxing.
  • Yoga πŸ™‡: I tried some yoga classes a few times in my life and I loved it. It made me feel more relax. Yoga create a sense of calm. Yoga is really good for your health too. I have to go to do some classes again.
  • Yoga girl postcasts πŸ™: Rachel Brathen is a famous Swedish international yoga teacher. I will soon share a blog post about her because she is just the best. She’s my biggest inspiration in life. I can’t wait to go on one of her yoga retreats in Aruba in her yoga studio Island Yoga. Her postcasts are out every Friday on Spotify or Itunes. She also has a Youtube Channel. I love her postcasts so much. They are full wisdom and inspiration. They are about parenthood, trauma, self-love, mental health, anxiety, yoga, body positivity, rape, family, grief, achieving your dreams, and so much more. You can also now join her Yoga Girl community on Facebook.
  • Eating and sleeping well 🍴😴: Eating the right food is so important to feel good in your body and good for your mind. Also sleeping enough and sleeping well is really important for your wellbeing. If I don’t sleep enough I feel even more anxious the next day and I can’t concentrate well.

There are so many other things too which you can do to feel good. You just have to find what’s best for you. You know yourself as the best. Remember, to always be kind to yourself. You are loved and not alone. You have so many gifts to offer to this world. Together we are going to end this mental health stigma πŸ’ͺπŸ’•πŸ’Š. Every day is world mental health day not just today.

Mental health is as important as physical health. There are still so many people from all different ages and nationalities suffering. They all need help and we need to end the stigma around this issue. We aren’t crazy in our minds. We are sick. We all need help, support and compassion. To raise awareness about world mental health day you can donate money to a mental health organization, you can draw a circle on your hand with the hastag #iamwhole or wear something yellow with the hastag #helloyellow and post it on social media.

I hope that you all liked this blog post. I hope it made you feel that you belong in this world. I’ll always be there for you all. Keep going my fighters and warriors πŸ’ͺ We are all in this together. Do you also have a mental illness? What do you do to feel better? Can you relate to my words? I would love to know your thoughts in the comment section.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

The differences between everyday anxiety and an anxiety disorder

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

Today I want to write again about a mental health topic. As you all know I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I think it’s important to write about this issue. Today I’m going to talk about the differences of every day anxiety and having an anxiety disorder. I’m not a doctor or working in the mental health sector. This is just based on my own experience of having an anxiety disorder.

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This picture is from Google. I think it definitely explains really well the differences between every day anxiety and having an anxiety disorder. It’s a good way to understand the differences. Of course, if you want to get a real diagnosis you need to go to a doctor. All my life I thought that I just nervous and that it wasn’t a real illness. However, deep in my heart I knew that my anxiety wasn’t okay. Being nervous and actually having an anxiety disorder is much more than just being having a bit of nerves. Every one experience stress or anxiety in their lives. It can be stress or feeling nerves to do an exam or to give a presentation. An anxiety disorder is much more than just being worried about every day life. An anxiety disorder is constantly worrying which don’t let you live a normal life. It seems like you can’t go on with your life because your anxiety is in the way. If you can’t seem to let your anxieties go, you may have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is a real mental illness.

If I fear a social situation or a situation that makes me uncomfortable than I would rather run away from it and avoid it. Having an anxiety disorder makes me avoid many times situations. For example, I fear going to the dentist and and up not going but I know I have to go. This will only increase my anxiety and make it worse. Avoidance isn’t working but is caused because of my anxiety disorder. It’s really hard to go through life and wanting to avoid everything which makes me anxious. I know overcoming a fear will be worth it and eventually I would think that it wasn’t that scarry. I still avoid situation that makes me anxious. I’ve learnt to overcome some of them but I’m still in the process which is hard.

Also having panic attacks on the regular basis may be also a sign of having an anxiety disorder. Panick attacks are really the worst thing ever. I’m glad it’s such a long time ago that I had one but I still remember how awful it feels. I think it was months ago that I experienced one. I know of one panick attack that happened in my home city Valladolid, in Spain almost two years ago. I was alone in the busy shopping street and felt like crying, felt dizzy, my heart was beating fast, felt so anxious and was afraid to not get to home safe as I was afraid of falling down because of feeling so dizzy and strange. I came home crying but I was safe. I just wanted to get to home safe and sound. I remember that it took me so time to understand that just because it happened doesn’t mean it will happen again. The thing with panic attacks is that you fear to have another one and that makes it really scarry. After that happened I was afraid to walk through that street again because it reminded me of the bad time. Now, I overcame that fear and I can walk through that street normally.

I also remember another time I had a panick attack which was in August last Summer the night before my exam. It was the last exam I had to take to graduate my studies. In June I made the same exam about law and failed for 0.5 point. It made me feel so anxious and emotional. I just wanted to graduate. I was afraid I would never graduate. The night before I had to take the exam again in August I had a panick attack. I felt so anxious, naouseous, dizzy, my body shaking, feeling my heart beating fast again, feeling cold and warm at the same time and crying. I slept only a few hours and also ended up in the bed of my mother. Fortunately she was there for me. I also took a 1.5 mg of bromazepam which is a benzodiazepine that helps to beat my anxiety. It definitely calmed myself down and I could sleep a few hours before my exam. At the end, my exam went so well and I got as a mark an 8 and could graduate.

I think one of the worst things of having an anxiety disorder is just the fear that you are going to die or like you go completely crazy. I know I will not die but feeling like you breath fast and feeling dizzy make you feel that way. I always get scared when I feel that way because I fear to have another panic attack. I’m glad I didn’t have one since months ago but I still fear that. It’s a horrible thing to experience. I hope nobody who’s reading this have to experience this. If you have experience this, I hope you are feeling better right now. I’m always here for anyone who wants to talk with me. I’m not a professional doctor but I will be there for you β€οΈπŸ™

All these thoughts of thinking that like you are going to fail an exam, feeling that you are going to die or thinking that you aren’t good enough are irrational thoughts. They aren’t real. You just believe them and that will at the end make you feel bad about yourself. If you say to yourself every day that you aren’t worth it, sooner or later you are going to believe it. These thoughts turn into feelings. You are also going to feel you aren’t worth it and that will turn into actions. You are going to neglect yourself as for example not drinking enough water or not eating well. I’m learning not to believe those irrational thoughts but it’s really hard. I just hate all those thoughts and feelings I have when I feel anxiety. I know many of the situations I fear don’t cause me any danger but my mind thinks different because it’s sick.

It’s normal to feel anxious and have rational thoughts when you are in life danger such as when you have an accident. Feeling so much anxiety for example for an presentation and feel like you are going to mess up isn’t that realistic. You learned enough and just do your best. That’s really enough. It’s just your mind that makes you think all these negative thoughts about yourself which you believe. A good way to replace these irrational thoughts is with rational thoughts. Ask yourself if your thoughts are realistic or if it’s your mind that’s playing a game with you.

Also having nightmares and having constantly flashbacks about a traumatic event can be a sign of having an anxiety disorder. If something traumatic happened in your life and you just can’t seem to let it go it would be a good idea to ask for help and get professional help. I remember that I had bad dreams of being bullied again and was experiencing it again in my dream. I’m glad I could talk about it during some counselling sessions a few years ago. I realized it wasn’t my fault that I got bullied of course and that those people were just mean. I have and always have been enough. I’m glad I don’t have those bad dreams anymore.

I still take antidepressants since one year and a half. It’s just 20 mg but definitely helps. I still have to learn to live with anxiety my whole life. I also take a benzo when I feel high anxiety. I hope you all liked this blog post. I hope I explained the differences between every day anxiety and actually having an anxiety disorder well. I’m not a doctor. This is all just based on my own experience. Do you also have an anxiety disorder and can relate to it? Did you ever experience a panic attack? Do you get help? I would love to know your thoughts and opinion about it. I would also love to help anyone who feels bad or is struggling right now. I will always be here for you all ❀️

I love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

It’s okay to not be okay πŸŒΉ

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

I wanted to write a blog post with a Summer theme or other happy blog post that I was thinking about but today I just can’t. If I did that I wouldn’t be real on this blog. I always want to be real, honest and authentic. I also don’t like to spread negative vibes here but it always feel good to just write about your feelings and thoughts that you bother with. Journalling is so good for your mental health. I love to write because after I write in my journal or on my blog I feel much better. Writing is a beautiful form of healing. This is my safe space to always be able to share what I’m feeling or thinking at the moment. I wrote this last night and shared it on my Instagram of @seaofwordsblog.

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I just don’t feel okay right now. I love this poem from @rmdrk πŸ’• Robert M Drake is one of my favourite poetry writers. I have been crying all night. I think too much about everything, feel stressed which makes my mind go crazy and result in crying. I also find it hard to sleep lately because it’s so hot. What makes me crying is because my parents just don’t understand me. I’m now with my mother here in Spain and my father is in The Netherlands. My father asked in an email to my mother when would be a good time to return to the Netherlands and now he just booked a flight at the end of September. I got angry and cried at my mother because I just don’t wanna go back. I know one day I have to go to get all my stuff because maybe my parents are going to move to Spain. We have one house in The Netherlands and an appartment in Spain. I don’t like that my parents push me to do things I don’t want. I’m 25 years old, not a baby anymore…. You just can’t force me.

I just don’t wanna go back to The Netherlands. I want to look for a job here in Spain. I always prefered Spain over the Netherlands. I love the culture, the delicious food tapas and the lovely people. Spain is just so beautiful 😍My anxiety is getting in my way to look for a job but maybe I just have to jump outside of my comfortzone. I would love to find a job here in Valladolid but for many public jobs you have to take an exam and study for it. I would love to just apply for a job without doing that exam. Maybe, I have to go to Madrid or Barcelona but I don’t know many people there and I’m a bit afraid to be alone in a city. I like to be with my family too. I know they will be there for me too so it’s a bit a contrast. These are all thoughts that keep me up at night. I already wrote about this a few months ago Bad feelings & thoughts 😒. I really don’t like that my parents push me. I said to my mother that I’m not going back and will look for a job. Of course, I like to see my family and friends in The Netherlands and there will also be a party for my brother Rafael and Veronica’s wedding. I just don’t know what to do right now. I don’t want any fights but I also think that this is my life. The only one who is going to live it, it’s me. I just don’t like to be pressured. It makes me anxious and sad. Sometimes life can be though but we always have to remember to turn the light on. I think I’m also feeling bad because of my period and having cramps. Thank god I take Aleve Feminax naproxen for the cramps. This helps me soooo much. Magic pills πŸ˜‚πŸ’Š .

I also have a lot of back pain lately. I think that’s because everytime I feel tense all the bad energy goes there. I really wanna take some yoga lessons this Summer. That will help me so much. I can’t wait to go swimming outside in the pools here in Spain. I enjoy that so much. I would love to be in the water all the time because that’s the only thing which calms me 100%. I’m a mermaid πŸŠπŸŒŠπŸ„πŸŒž I can’t wait to go surfing and to go to the ocean too. The ocean is my home. Hopefully, I will live one day near to the beach. I can only dream of waking up and seeing and hearing the waves 😍

This is just a reminder for all of you that’s okay to not be okay. Sometimes you have to let all your emotions out. It isn’t good to bottle everything up. I do that so many times and then when I begin to cry about one thing, I end up crying about everything. Your feelings are valid. There are still so many amazing things to experience in life. We all have to take it day by day especially those who suffer from a mental illness like me with anxiety. Looking too much in the future will only increase my fear. Taking it day by day is much better. Remember, we’re all in this together ❀πŸ’ͺ You are not alone. You are loved. You are worth it. This life is sometimes really hard, though and a complete mess but also beautiful. Take care of yourselves. I hope I can sleep right now. Crying makes me always so tired.

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Today, I feel a bit better. I slept really well and enough. I just have to do what feels good to me. If I find a job before September then I can stay in Spain. Maybe, my parents wouldn’t say nothing then. I could pay the flight if I’m not going back. Do you also relate to my words? Do you also feel pressured sometimes by your family or other people? I appreciate any advice because it will sure will help me a lot.

I love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Why I quit drinking alcohol and how it improved my life πŸ‘πŸš«

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

Today I would like to talk about the fact that I quit drinking alcohol and how it improved my life. I’m going to tell you some stories of my experiences with alcohol and how the decision of quitting drinking alcohol was the best one ever. It’s a topic that I always wanted to write about and I just need to get some things out of my mind. I’m happy to know what you think about it. Maybe, we can have a discussion in the comment section 😊.

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So, I quit drinking alcohol since february 2017 because I began to take antidepressants for my anxiety disorder.  A few months before that I already didn’t drink much anymore. So I guess you all know by reading my blog that I suffer from anxiety. Alcohol is also an antidepressant itself and can make you feel anxious, depressed and emotional. You also loose your concentration or get sleepy when you are drinking too much. When I was on exchange in Spain a few years ago I began to drink so much. Before this exchange time I drank also a lot but during my exchange time in Spain much more. You have to know that I never been an alcoholic just to make that clear. I wasn’t addicted to alcohol. I just drank a lot of alcohol.

I was never really drinking much alcohol, just one or two glasses of wine that’s it. It was until I went on exchange to the city of LogroΓ±o in Spain that I began to drink. This city is famous for their delicious wine and undergound restaurants called bodegas where you can eat and where they make the wine. It was the perfect combination to drink lots of wine πŸ˜‚. I don’t like beer only Sol or Desesperados so I drank a lot of wine there. I remember that the first time I met some exchange students a girl said to me why I didn’t drink and then well I began to drink. It was also more than a half year ago that my ex boyfriend, my first love broke up with me. I didn’t want to be the outsider so I began to drink. Every party we were with people from all over the world drinking and playing drinking games, dancing and going to bars and clubs. I felt really socially pressured to drink.

I was always that party girl but I wasn’t that person. It was not the real me. I drank to please others but not to please myself. I remember many times that I wake up and I felt so bad that I had to vommit and couldn’t eat the whole day. I have bad memories with alcohol. I remember the times I went running and crying through the streets in LogroΓ±o and calling my ex’s name. I even called him once but of course he didn’t pick up. I was so lost. Alcohol made me feel much more anxious, increases my anxiety, made me feel a completely mess and made me feel so low. It was that time that I began to have panic attacks during the night. I was awake feeling anxious and crying the whole night until 8 o’clock and sleeping the whole day.

I didn’t go to many classes. I was supposed to be studying that semester but I only achieved 15 points out of 30 which was pretty much for the times that I partied…. I passed two subjects and the Spanish course. When I remember those times now I feel ashamed but I’ve learnt from my mistakes. Alcohol isn’t good for your health. Of course, a glass of wine or two are nice and make you feel happy but not more. Alcohol increase your anxiety, depression and just make you feel bad. I first always thought that alcohol would make me happy and in the beginning of the night it was true but at the end I was a completely mess. Every morning I regretted to drink and then in the weekends I began again. Drinking alcohol made me feel more confidence to talk to boys. At the end, it wasn’t worth it.

During this time that I take medication I sometimes have been drinking a bit of wine but just some sips. I’m afraid to even drink one glass of wine with combination of antidepressants. That’s why I decided to quit and I’m happy that I quit drinking. Of course, I miss drinking a glass of wine but maybe in the future when I quit one day my medication I can drink that glass of wine. Until then, I’m not missing out of anything. My father quit drinking alcohol for 10 years because of having acute pancreatitis. Just to be clear he didn’t got it because of drinking too much. The doctors said it would be better if he didn’t drink. Now, he can drink again one or two glasses of wine or beer.

The only thing that I hate of not drinking anything is that people seem to not respect me. My real friends understand me and don’t push me. I just went to a party this weekend from a friend and some friends of her said that I was being borring and one said it’s strange to see you not drinking and being drunk. I’m not that person anymore. I never been that party girl. I’m an extroverted introvert. I love to be alone, do my own things and enjoy music by myself. I love to go to concerts with friends. I don’t have to drink to have fun. I love to dance and sing. I had a bad moment this weekend which was that one friend said yeah you should come here with my friends. It was in the middle of the crowd and sorry no not sorry I’m not doing that. I said no so many times. I suffer from anxiety and hate crowds and yes I love going to concerts and parties but I am always near to exit. That friend went to their friends and I cried afterwards with another friend. I felt pressure and not okay. I’m sensitive and don’t like to pushed to do things I don’t want to do and when I say no they have to stop pushing me. Is it so difficult to just respect me? I remember a time that I was in the front and felt so dizzy that I almost fainted so I don’t want to experience that again.

What I just want is that people should respect my decisions. This is my life. I will never say to someone that he or she has to drink to be more fun and crazy. You just do what it’s good for you and you respect others decisions. I don’t want to make excuses all the time or feel bad or an outsider because I don’t drink. I still feel that way sometimes and sometimes I’m saying then that I can’t drink because I take a medication for my period which I do but the main reason is the medication for my anxiety. I’m not telling that to strangers or not good friends. I just want to be at peace and do what feels good to me. At the end of the day, you are all by yourself and you have to be happy about your decisions in life. I will encourage anyone to make their decisions and if anyone ever felt left out know that you are awesome the way you are. The people who drink are not cooler than the people who don’t drink. The people who bully others for that aren’t the right people. I would love to know your experiences. Do you drink alcohol? If not, do you feel like an outsider? What does alcohol make you feel?

I hope you all liked this blog post and will speak to you all in my next blog post. I will write about my second birthday haul and celebration which I had this weekend. My birthday moment is definitely over right now πŸ˜‚. I also will create many Summer related posts for the upcoming months. My blog is going to have a Summer theme yeahhh 🌞❀

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

10 mental health resolutions for this new year

Hey lovely bloggers <3,

Today I wanna share my 10 mental health resolutions for the new year. I think it’s really important to focus on our mental health because body and mind works together. If you have a mental illness like I have been diagnosed with anxiety, it’s really important to have some resolutions to feel better. Our brain is an organ too and many times people forget this. Our brain can misfunction too like any other organ in our body. We have to beat the stigma of mental health illnesses. They are real and nobody should feel ashamed of this. 1 out of 5 people have a mental health illness which is a lot. We shouldn’t feel alone in this. We are all in this together ❀

Screenshot-2018-1-15 Self love is the key in life πŸ’• ( christinax1993) β€’ Instagram-foto's en -video's1. Read more awesome books

I love reading but I have to admit that I don’t do it a lot. I have bought some new awesome books online. I’m gonna share them with you all when I have finished them. I also wanna do more book reviews on my blog. Reading is so good. It definitely helps me a lot with my anxiety. I have a lot of self help books and it’s makes me realize that I don’t have to feel alone with suffering from anxiety. There are so many people who suffer from this along their lives. I also love to read about tips and apply them in my real life. Reading is really an important form of healing. Reading makes you wiser and makes you dive into a fantasy world which takes away the pain and suffering from the real world. I love to read and always forget the world around me, such an amazing feeling.

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2. Keep writing poems and on my blog

I love writing so much. It’s such a great way of healing too. I always feel such a great satisfaction when I write all my thoughts and feelings down. It feels like I’m letting something of myself go which makes me feel lighter and happier. In this new year, I want to keep writing poems and share them with you. I also wish to continue writing on my blog. I love writing on my blog and it definitely is helping me so much with my anxiety. I came in contact with awesome people who experience the same and feel less alone. Thank you all so much for your lovely support. I’m so blessed to have you all in my life. I will forever cherish the great friendships I have made here ❀

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3. Go to yoga lessons

I love doing yoga at home with Youtube videos but I also really want to go to real yoga lessons in Valladolid, Spain, where I’m living right now. I love Yoga Girl. She is a swedish yoga teacher who is living together with her hushband Dennis and her little girl Lea Luna in Aruba. I will share a blog post about her soon because she is such a big inspiration in my life. She also has her own yoga studio in Aruba called Island Yoga. I would love to go to meet her and go on a yoga retreat in Aruba! That would be so awesome. She does yoga on her retreat week but also sharing and journalling. That’s just so good for healing and for my mental health.

Her real name is Rachel Brathen. She also has her own postcast on Itunes or Spotify every friday where she talks about anything in life, could be about anxiety, self love, marriage, work life, following your dreams, being bullied, death…… just everything in life, the good and the bad. I love how authentic she is. Yoga is really such an amazing way to have less anxiety in life and has so many benefits for your mental health. I did some classes in The Netherlands and afterwards I felt more relaxed and happier. Yoga is the best way to discover your inner self, be in the moment and let everything go. I really wanna search for a good studio here in Valladolid and have some awesome yoga lessons.

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Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β  Lea Luna, Yoga Girl (Rachel Brathen) and Dennis

4. Care less about what people think of me

I still find this such a difficult one because I think it has to deal with being bullied during childhood and high school. I still care about what people think of me. If somebody laugh, I instantly think that they laugh about me when it isn’t even the case. I think to not care at all is not a realistic resolution because at the end I will still care a bit. I have to focus on my life and care less about what other people may think about me. If I care less, I become happier and less anxious. It would be such a great benefit for my mental health. I just have to let opinions of other people go and do the things which make me happy. I’m doing better than before but I still have to work a lot on this point in this new year.

5. Keep travelling

I just love travelling soooo much. Sometimes travelling can cause anxiety but when you plan your travels a long way before, it’s not a big deal. I have to admit that flying always cause me anxiety and that I have to take some meds before I go on an airplane. I love the view from the window, but I just hate turbulence. It makes me so anxious. However, I love travelling and it definitely is good for my mental health. In this new year, I will keep continue to travel around Europe and in Spain. I also would love to travel around the world but first I have to have more money. I also would love to do an interrail which means going by train and discovering many new countries in Europe with my friends. Maybe, I’m going to do that in the summer.Β  When I travel to a new place and discover new things, I let go all of the bad things in life. It helps me to distant myself from problems. I also love to be in contact with new cultures and making friends all over the world. I just love to learn about all the diferences and also know that at the end we are all the same: human and one with the world ❀ I learn so much about life from travelling so I will continue travelling as much, as far and as long as I can ❀

6. Stop comparing myself and my life with other people

This is such a bad habit that I have. When we scroll down on social media, we see all beautiful pictures of people who seem to have their life together. Everything looks perfect but trust me it ain’t the truth. Life has ups and downs. I like to show the truth about my life on my social media, especially on Instagram and on this blog. It is important to show the good and the bad in life. I often compare myself with others. I always feel the pressure of society like I already should have get married, and have babies and have a job and have my life together and blablabla. It makes me feel so overwhelmed. This new year I wanna learn that it’s okay to not have life together and to make little steps forward. I just graduated and I feel the pressure of having that dream job when I don’t even know what that means. I think this year I have to focus on myself and do things I love. I can have part time jobs and be happy. All things take time. I think if we spend less time in comparing our lives to other lives, we will end up happier and relaxer. Just focus on yourself and try to do things you enjoy. Everything in your life will come exactly at the right time, no rush.

7. Spend more time enjoying nature and less time on social media

I have to admit that I spend way too much time on social media. Of course, I run this blog and wanna spend time doing this. However, I should try to detox from social media once in a while. It’s really good to spend more time in nature. I love to walk around the park near to my house and breathing the fresh air. Sometimes I get really overwhelmed from all the social media. Sometimes it makes me anxious because I feel like I don’t have my life together and others have. It ain’t not true because most people only share their perfect pictures of their lives. Like I said in the point before, we compare our lives way too much on social media. If we spend less time on social media, we will feel more in contact with the world and more at peace with ourselves. Spending time with friends in real life is really important to not feel lonely and be social. I love to go for a walk with my friends, eat some delicious food β€œtapas” in Spain and have fun together.

8. Focus more on my creative passions like writing, singing and photography

Some of my passions are writing like I said before. I love to write in my journal, write poems and write on my blog. Writing is such a beautiful way of healing. I also love to sing so much. I used to sing in choir for 11 years. I really miss singing in a choir. Maybe, I’m gonna search for a new choir here in Spain or have some classes again. I enjoy singing so much. It makes me feel so relaxed and happy. Singing is a great way of letting all your feelings and thoughts go. I will show some videos of me singing in another blog post.

Furthermore, I also love photography. One of my brothers, Edward with his wife Elke have their own company of wedding photography. I learned a lot from them and I also learned a lot of photography taking a course during my studies. I have a lot of different cameras such as a Nikon, normal camera, polaroid Instax Mini 8 and a lomography camera Diana F+. I wanna continue to take all kinds of pictures again and share them with you. I hope you will all like them. Photography is a creative hobby and such a nice way to be active. I love to be creative and it’s really good for my anxiety. All these passions help me healing and make me happy. I once read that people who have anxiety or depression, tend to be more creative than other people. I think this is really true because I met many people with a mental illness and they all are so incredible talented and creative. Being creative is really a blessing in life. Earth without art is just “eh”.

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9. Go to the beach and surf more

When I lived in the Netherlands I was just 15 minutes away by car from the beach. The bad thing is that it rains a lot in The Netherlands and you can’t spend that many days on the beach as in Spain. Right now, I’m living in Valladolid which is one hour from Madrid. The nearest beach is Santander which is a city in the north coast of Spain. It’s three hours away by train. I went to Santander twice last year and enjoyed some really great beach days. I love to swim in the ocean, feel the ocean breeze and hear the waves crashing down the shore. I like the salt ocean so much. It’s so good for your mental health. The ocean makes me feel so relax, peaceful and happy. This year, I wanna spend even more days on the beach. Last year, I went twice to the beach of Santander called β€œEl Sardinero” and once to the beach of Granada, which is in the south of Spain, in Andalucia. I went to β€œLa Rabita”. The beach is just my favourite place on this earth.

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I also like to surf. Í have my own Rip Curl blue wetsuit. I hope I still can wear it because it has been two years since the last time I surfed. I really missed it. I’m a beginner and still have to learn how to catch waves. I can stand on a surf board and can enjoy it, which is the most important thing about surfing. I also made my thesis about the surfing lifestyle. Surfing is just a way of living and it so good for my anxiety. Surfing the waves makes me forget my anxiety, enjoy life and live in the moment ❀ It’s a total zen moment. I have surfed many times in The Netherlands and in Spain. I went twice to a surf camp in Spain near to Santander in Suances called Bio Surf Camp and Art Surf Camp in Galicia, Razo. In Razo, I surfed in the Atlantic Ocean and omg the waves were so high that I got scared and didn’t want to push myself too far and deep in the water. It’s all about practice and learning to let this fear go aswhile as in life. I wish to surf again this year and go on a surf camp because that’s the best way to learn surfing. Besides, I have made some incredible friends in these camps and had so many amazing adventures which I will never ever forget.

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Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β  Β Β  Β Β Β  Me at the Art Surf Camp in Galicia, Razo in the Summer ofΒ  2015

10. Having a better sleep routine

Since, I’m graduated and don’t study anymore my sleep routine is really messed up. I go really late to bed and wake up too late. I know it’s my fault and I have to change it. In the meantime that I’m searching for a (part-time) job, I have to focus on myself and trying to have a better sleep routine. I shouldn’t go too late to bed and wake up at a reasonable time. Having a sleep routine is just so important to feel good and not stressed out. It’s really important for our mental health. Everything begins with those habits. Sleeping is really important. We have to sleep 8 hours at least every night. If I don’t sleep 8 hours at night I’m already feeling so tired and feel even more anxious in life. Sleeping is as important as eating the right food and caring for ourselves. I know I can have a better sleep routine. I just have to get started and then it will work out.

I hope you all liked my 10 mental health resolutions for this new year, 2018. Have an amazing year you all! ❀ I wish you all a new year full of love, happiness and health. Let’s focus this year on ourselves. Love yourself and each other because that’s what this world needs: more love, no hate ❀

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Love you all so much ❀

Much love,
xoxo Christina