Feeling done with this world πŸ˜’πŸ’”

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I will write a not so happy blog post. I like to share about my favourites and music reviews but I love to just write anything what’s on my mind because then I’m writing from my heart to yours. It makes me feel a bit better to let my thoughts go and I also hope it will help others to feel less alone. We all struggle in life with things only not at the same time. I hope I won’t sound too depressive but I just really don’t feel okay lately. Everything feels heavy and too much. I’m always my authentically self on this blog so I will try to be honest about my feelings and thoughts. When Summer ends I always feel this way because I’m a Summer girl forever. I don’t like dark days and less sun light.

I don’t know why I feel this way lately. Maybe it’s the thought of having to go back to Holland in two weeks. I have been SO happy here in Spain. I have been eating tapas a lot, drinking delicious milkshakes and ice creams, went swimming, went on a trip to the beach with my mother and surfed after 4 years πŸ„πŸŒŠ which I will share soon with you all, went for walks and saw my friends here a lot. I really have been enjoying life so much.

A few nights ago I cried about thinking having to go back to The Netherlands πŸ˜­πŸ’”. I don’t want. I’m just SO done with leaving my happy place. I love The Netherlands too. I love to see my friends and family there too of course. I’m just SO much happier in Spain. Just writing this makes me cry so much again. I just want to live here forever. I also experience anxiety here but at the end my heart longs for Spain. I’m also anxious that we won’t be able to go again for a long time because of the pandemic. I applied for jobs without any luck. If there’s one thing I know for sure is that I want to live in Spain permenantly.

I also feel anxious and depressed again to go to the dentist. I’m happy it went again well. In this blog post I talk about my experience of my second wisdom tooth removal. I still have to go twice but I’m more anxious for the lower wisdom teeth because they are in my gum. I don’t know whether to do it here now or in a few months. I’m really dreading it. I love this dentist but that doesn’t mean I’m not anxious to go anymore. Still feeling anxious and not okay. It’s still no fun. It isn’t a trauma and didn’t hurt that much afterwards. The only thing is that with the lower wisdom teeth extraction it will hurt a bit more. He said one or two points more, nothing like a brave women like you won’t be able to tolerate. It was really sweet what he said but I feel like I don’t want to be brave anymore.

I feel depressed lately and anxious 😞. I don’t know how to live life without feeling constantly anxious about something whether that’s going to the dentist, flying, going to an interview or anything else. I feel like I have no purpose and will never achieve my dreams because of anxiety. Then a friend of me said that it would be good to go to therapy. Well, I had some talks in the past and had to vomit every time and felt even more depressed and worse afterwards. I don’t want to go through that again. I also don’t like people giving me advice because like Yoga Girl said, we know ourselves the best. I love to get tips and recommendations but at the end this is my life. I just hate when people tell me what to do even though some will mean it well. I’m a helper and I have pleases way too many people in my life who didn’t deserve it. It’s my turn now to choose what’s right for me even though I sometimes don’t have any clue and feel lost as hell in life.

Everything what’s happening in this world right now also makes me feel totally not okay. I deactivated FB and my personal Instagram. Sometimes I think of deleting it all but that’s maybe too much I will just take a break. I’m done with seeing happy perfect pictures and fake lives. Inspiring people is what makes me happy and following others who inspire me too such as Yoga Girl, artists and other people. Social media often gived such as a false view of life. What you see isn’t real. I think that makes us all feel even worse especially when we are dealing with mental health illnesses such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, eating disorder or any other. To see people living their life best while you are not feeling okay will not help you. I giess it’s important to have a social media detox. I feel different while blogging because I’m just completely myself without feeling I will be judged. Blogging is my safe space and will always be πŸ™πŸ’–.

Everything feels too heavy for me lately. I decided to stop watching news or anything triggering my mental health too. It’s not being egoistic but I really can’t deal with any negative news happening in this world anymore. It’s too much for my highly sensitive brain. I can’t take it anymore. I think for the people who are already sensitive for negativity and also are struggling in life, this pandemic hit really hard. I remember when it all began in March and I was just lying in bed thinking about the world ending. I still sometimes think of this question: How can I cope in this world when I don’t see any light in the tunnel? When is this going to end? My anxiety goes to the roof when I don’t know the end point of something. I know that when I go to the dentist half hour later I feel okay again. With this it’s different. No one knows when this pandemic will end and if it will end one day. It makes it definitely more scary which makes me feel even more anxious.

I’m happy I live a more normal life here in Spain. For many months I was at home and only going on a few walks. I have been doing loads of fun stuff here but always doing social distance, wearing a mask which I hate because it gets so warm, and washing my hands a lot. I just feel that even though we have the internet, it makes us feel more isolated and lonelier too. Yes, video calls and chatting is nice but it will NEVER replace real human connection. Seeing each other face to face and hugging each other is the most valuable things ever in life. Having a vulnerable conversation with someone we love, crying on someone’s their shoulder, helping a stranger, giving someone a hug will never be the same online. The online world will never give you the same feelings. Seeing everyone being afraid of each other and not wanting to be near to them breaks my heart even more. Really?! What has the world become? I know they are many things to be grateful for like being more present, slowing down and spending time in nature. It’s just really hard sometimes.

This was basically my rant of how I feel in life regarding to the pandemic, this world and just my feelings. I hope we all have a safe space to be able to talk about our feelings without being judged. I’m here for you all and hope you are all being safe πŸ™πŸ’–.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. How are you all doing? What are some tips you have for me for coping with anxiety with everything what’s happening in this world? Do you also feel better when doing a social detox? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I see humans but no humanity πŸ’”πŸ˜’

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I wanted to write a more happier post but I always want to be honest on my blog so I won’t do that. I’m always vulnerable and real on my blog. I always write straight from my heart. Writing straight from my heart also gives me the most inspiration. I don’t like to plan blog posts. It has to flow like life too. These days I don’t feel okay so I will write about my feelings and thoughts. I hope you are all okay and safe. I’m here for you too. This blog post will be about my health, how I feel and about humanity. It feels good to write it all down and have a more sense of peace in my mind.

I was very happy the first days I arrived in Spain. I have been eating delicious tapas, ice creams 🍦🍨🍧, milkshakes, enjoyed the sunshine 🌞 and went swimming a lot πŸŠβ€β™€οΈ. The last days I have felt low and kinda depressed. I also had my period so I’m always more sensitive to everything during that time of the month. Besides, I’m really tired and my throat hurts a lot when I swallow, drink or eat something. It feels like it’s swollen too. If anyone knows me well, you know how anxious I’m about dentists or doctors so I will wait a few more days. The bad thing is that nowadays many people think easily oh no it’s Corona when you can have something else. I don’t have fever or anything. I just hope that it will go away soon. I really want to feel better again.

I also am beginning to feel anxious again to have to go to the dentist in two weeks. I still have to get rid of three wisdom teeth but it’s really draining me. I’m so done with it. It makes me so anxious 😒🦷. The dentist and his team are very lovely but it’s still no fun. Again feeling numb, then not eating a few days and taking meds for pain. It was worse than I imagined but still not fun. The anxiety I feel is always worse than the thing itself. Anxiety is a monster and I would love to be able to tame it one day. I will use valium to calm myself down. I’m so grateful for my mother who is always there for me to hold my hand and be at my side. I couldn’t do anything scary without her help. I really would be so lost. I love her so much. She is the kindest and most loveliest person ever.

I’m a highly sensitive person which means that I feel every emotion more. I feel others suffering more and also love more. It’s a gift but can also be a curse sometimes. I feel others pain deeply. Some of my friends are dealing with emotional stuff. I feel them. I feel people suffering from the pandemic. It hurts me so much to see so much pain in the world. I have been feeling very emotional and sad too these days. I can’t deal with people doing bad things to good people. It breaks my heart πŸ’”. Why is there so much hate in this world? Why can’t people just be nice and kind to each other or is that too much to ask for? I really would love to have some answers on that but I don’t have. I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. It’s so unfair.

I have felt this way too because of the harrasment which yoga_girl is receiving just because she said that’s better not to travel now to Aruba from a country with a high risk of the virus. Aruba suffers from an economic crisis because it depends on tourism. I can understand that but the health and safety of the citizens are more important. I think that’s obvious. I just can’t understand how people find it okay to treathening other people lives. It’s so scary. Rachel and her family have received hate and what’s worse than that is threats. They even stalked their house. I’m happy they are safe now. It would be a shame if they have to move because of some locals being aggressive to them. I’m so happy to be part of the yoga community and will forever be βœ¨πŸ™πŸ’–. We are all here for you guys. Rachel, you are such a light in this world and have healed so many hearts including mine. I’m still healing though. I can’t thank you enough. Be safe. I love you so much.

I have also noticed that I feel more like myself these days. The more I feel, the more I feel like myself because this is who I’m. I get anxious, I get depressed, I feel low but I also can be happy and feel gratitude in my heart. I feel it all. Even though sometimes I find it really hard to live in this world because there are so many scary things and bad people out there too. I’m grateful for the good people I have in my life. I’m so happy to have this beautiful blogging community too who’s always there for me too. I can’t wait to meet you all one day and thank you. You are always there for me when I’m sad and celebrate my happy days. We will always stick together forever.

I wish there would be more people like you all in this world πŸ’žπŸ™. Sometimes I definitely feel like there are so many bad people and things out there. I get scared and anxious and feel such a heavy feeling on my shoulders. I wish for peace, respect and compassion and being one with the world. What the world needs right now is union and not more separation 🌍. There’s already too much of that and it didn’t bring anything good.

May we all find the light and love in our own hearts and spread it to the world ✨. This world needs healing, so much love, compassion and kindness. It will never be enough. What this world needs right now is a group hug which would be now in distance with the pandemic but you all understand what I mean. More love, less hate. More compassion, less cold-hearted people.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you can understand and respect my feelings. How are you feeling lately? Are you also anxious of going to the doctor or dentist? What do you think of humanity? Do you also find it unfair that bad things happen to good people? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post. Be safe you all and remember we are never alone in our struggles. Like I always say, we are always in this together πŸ’ͺπŸ’–.

I love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

5 surfers died doing what they loved to do the most in The North Sea πŸ˜’πŸ’”πŸ‡³πŸ‡±

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I wanted to write a more happy blog post but I just can’t. I have to always write what’s on my mind. Right now, I feel so much loss and I am so sad. I feel heartbroken πŸ’”. I cried this whole week SO much. I will talk about the tragedy which happened on Monday afternoon in the beach Scheveningen πŸŒŠπŸ‡³πŸ‡±πŸ˜’. 5 surfers died doing what they loved to do the most. I also wrote a poem abou it which I will let you see below. This is also my 200th post on my blog which I’m proud about but today’s blog post is something more important. Some people will maybe not understand me but I can grief so hard for people I don’t know. I’m a sensitive person and an empath. That’s how I live my life now and forever. I will not change that for anyone if you like it or not.

On Monday afternoon in Scheveningen at 7 o’clock a group of surfers came in problems. There was a strong wind and current. They didn’t surf near to the port because it’s more dangerous there. They know the sea so well because they were experienced and even life guards. They found the two bodies on Monday and the other two on Tuesday. They are still searching for the fifth body. Even the rescue team had problems in finding them. Some people were saved, a man who was 40 years old and other people. A friend of them was saved. They were all from the regio of The Hague. The ones who died were between 20 and 30 years old. It’s so heartbreaking that the sea took their lives. It was even on the news of the World Surf League which is the association of surfing professionals. They died suffocated in the foam. This is very strange because that doesn’t happen often. Now they will further investigate it. I hate when people say it’s their fault. I find it disrespectful when people say that. The rescue team in The Netherlands saved one person who also had a baby, a family together. That person was friends with the ones who died. I wouldn’t know how to cope when I know my best friends died but I got saved. I think it must be so heartbreaking.

I know surfing is sometimes a risky sport but surfers know that. I love surfing and even made my thesis about surfing for graduating college. I wrote about the surf brand O’Neill and the surfing lifestyle. I love to live that lifestyle like all surfers are living that. It means to enjoy the sea, having respect for nature, for the environment and for every living being. I’m a beginner surfer by heart. The sea is my home. I also surfed on the beach of Scheveningen many times. It makes me the most happy person ever. Even though I’m not good at catching waves yet, I have fun and feel the most alive on my surfboard. They died doing what they loved to do. I just don’t think there’s anything poetic about that because it must be a horrible death being drowned by the sea. I’m so sorry for them 😒. I think they suffered a lot and did all they could to be saved. Since I heard the news I couldn’t stop crying. I wrote a poem about what happened. It’s also on my poetry account on Instagram. I can’t think of anything else right now.

The wild sea

I love the sea

It’s my favourite place in the world

I love to hear the waves crashing to the shore


I love to smell the salty air


I love to feel the wind in my face


I love the taste of the salt sea


I love to see the waves


What I love the most of surving


Is the feeling of being alive


It makes me so happy


At the same time the sea scares me


Last night a tragedy happened in Scheveningen


5 experienced body surfers lost their lives


The wind & the big waves took their lives


How can nature be so cruel?


How can be something so beautiful at the same time kill people?


It’s mother nature at their wildest


I spent the day crying


I don’t know you but I feel the losses in my heart


Being an empath and highly sensitive person makes you grief people you don’t even know

I’m so sorry Joost, Sander, Pim, Max and Matthijs

The sea took your life


May you rest in peace


You were all too young


You died doing what you loved to do


We are mourning the losses


The sky is crying with you


You are all an inspiration for us

You will not forgotten

I send all my love to the friends and family


You are all loved

The surfing community will always be there for each other

We will stick together

Love you
πŸ’•

A sea of words

I hope you all liked my poem. The picture is from someone on Instagram. I love to see sunsets on the beach. They are the most magical ever. I truly believe these heroes are somewhere there watching us from above. We will continue surfing remembering them. I just always have to write a poem when a tragedy happens, especially one so close to home. Scheveningen is a place I come often to surf, chill and enjoy the beach. It’s close to The Hague where I went to college to. I often celebrate my birthday at the surf school Hart Beach. These men were from another surf school but they were all surf teachers and know the sea very well. They know the dangers. The meters of foam happened suddenly when they were body surfing. I love the community of surfers so much. They are all so lovely and connected with each other. I have some friends who surfed with me but I would love to find more people who could surf with me. Sometimes I was also thinking to get a job in the surf industry. It would be so amazing! Caring about the environment, enjoying nature and loving the sea is everything I stand for in life. I know some of my studies live there and are also heartbroken about the news. Also one girl from my studies know some people who have died. She’s a professional surfer who surfed with them too.

It’s so sad that life can be over in just one second. We never know when will be the last day we are living. We never know when we will die. It terrifies me but at the same time it also makes me think that I want to live the life of my dreams. I would love to learn to be able to surf well and catch some good waves. It makes me feel alive, happy and feel less anxious. The sea cures everything but sometimes it’s a monster which takes people. I always have much respect for the sea. It’s mother nature at it’s wildest 🌊. We can learn how to surf the waves but we can’t go against the sea. The sea will always be stronger than us at the end. Nature will always be stronger than human beings and can destroy us whenever we least except it, thinking of natural disasters such as earthquakes or tsunami’s. We really have to care more about mother nature. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world and also sometimes the scariest thing ever 😒. We have absolutely no control of it.

Today, our hearts go out to the 5 families and friends of the people we lost in Scheveningen yesterday. The 5 surfers where body surfing and were experienced. They didn’t come home after their session. Even though I don’t know them I feel this loss so deeply. I am an empath and highly sensitive person and always feel everything so deeply. I don’t have to know someone personally to feel what others are going through. I can feel their feelings so deeply. This is the prize I take for feeling so much. I also suffer so much too. I don’t know how I would cope when someone I know dies. This is a black day for the Dutch surf community and we wish all who are involved the strength to deal with this loss πŸ˜’πŸŒŠπŸ™πŸ„πŸ‡³πŸ‡±. We are all mourning their losses. The sea is so wild and strong. It takes and gives. I am here for you all. Sending you all my love and strength πŸ’•πŸ™. I hope this poem made you feel less alone in mourning their grief.

Always when something like this happen I would love to help other people and be of service. I know I can’t make the death surfers come back into life. I wish that power would exist. If I lived near to Scheveningen I would bring flowers to the surf school. Everyone is doing that and they are griefing all together around the place where the tragedy happened. Maybe, I’m going to sent the surf school a card and flowers letting them know they aren’t alone in their pain. The families and friends need to grief right now and need their privacy. I also am going to donate money for the KNRM which is the The Royal Netherlands Sea Rescue Institution. They are always rescuing people and it’s important to donate money even though you may not have much money. You can donate on this website: KNRM.

This is a beautiful poem I found on Instagram. It sounds better in Dutch of course but I loved it.

”If mermen really existed,
at home on the coast and could go as fishes through the water
then they were named surfers
and everyone in Scheveningen would know that
the sea belongs to them and they belong to the sea
her waves took the men forever with her.”

Thank you all for reading this heartbreaking but necessary blog post. It was my 200th blog post. I just had to write about this tragedy. What do you think of my poem? Are you a sea lover? Does the sea scares you? Does anything similiar happened in your country? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Coronavirus: Is this a wake up call for the world?! πŸŒ

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I know all we can talk about now in the world is the coronavirus (Covid-19). I wanted to post a blog post about some happy stuff such as some book reviews but I really need to talk about this. I have to describe my feelings and thoughts on it as I always do with important topics such as mental health, feminism, injustice in the world and other topics. I need to let my thoughts go and write it down here or I will feel that I explode πŸ˜₯. My mind is so full these days. I’m not doing okay.

So, I can’t sleep well anymore. I feel so bad and anxious. I’m crying every day 😒. I don’t know how to cope. I have cramps in my stomach. It’s in times I didn’t felt so bad. This virus only increased my anxiety. How can I feel less anxious when the situation is getting worse every day and people are dying? I feel hopeless. There’s an outbreak of a pandemic in the world right now. The coronavirus feels like the flu but it’s worse because you have fever, cough and it effects your lungs. It all began in China in December. They eat a lot of strange food there such as living animals such as cats, dogs and whatever. My daddy said that the virus comes from bats. I’m of course not a doctor and don’t know much about viruses but all we know is that it’s spreading to every country. If I’m affected I could infect three other people.

I have sometimes health anxiety so I’m also a bit worried to get this virus to be honest. I think it’s normal that we are worried because our health is the most important thing in life. What I’m also worried about is the people who are vulnerable and the elderly people. My father for example has diabetics so it could be dangerous for him. What I don’t like about what’s happening now is that many people especially young people think oh only the old people die or the sick ones. That’s being so EGOISTIC. Writing this I feel tears in my eyes coming because I CARE. I care sometimes way too much about people, this earth and everyone because of being a highly sensitive person and also suffering from anxiety. I care about someone dying being 75 years old of coronavirus even though I don’t know that person. It could be your father, daughter, grandmother. Every one deserves a good life and deserves to live and be treaten well πŸ’–πŸ™.

Everything is cancelled right now 🚫. In The Netherlands there are no concerts, theater, cinema, sport events happening anymore and all schools are closed. I’m worried about that Eurovision in May will be cancelled too. I hope to go another day. I was so happy when this year began because of this event and good stuff. I’m worried about my friends in Italy being locked down. Spain has now declared an emergency state. I’m worried about my family and friends there. They only can leave the house for meds, work or to go to the supermarket. My mother and I are supposed to go in two weeks but that isn’t possible anymore. Tonight they closed the borders. It makes me sad to not be able to go as we never experienced this. None of us does. It feels lik a movie but it’s happening and it’s real. Scary stuff 😒. I just hope we can enjoy Summer time 🌞 in Spain because otherwise I will get so depressed and anxious. I don’t like Summer in The Netherlands because the sun doesn’t shine that much. I’m just always so happy in Spain. Holy week in Spain is cancelled too. I would have to go to the dentist in Spain too but right now it isn’t an emegerncy as I have no pain.

I’m a highly sensitive person, an empath and suffer from anxiety. This is maybe not the best combination in the midst of the Coronavirus. I care always so much about others and everything that it all affects me emotionally. I suffer more but I also love more. I’m here for all the ones in need. You can always talk to me. We are not alone πŸ’ͺ We are all in this together.

I just got inspired to write this post too because of Melissa Wells. Maybe everything what’s happening now is a wake up call for the damn world. Care about the elderly. Help people in need. Think of the ones working in the hospital sector and supermarkts. I’m seeing also very good deeds this week such as people donating blood in Spain for the people who need it. Doctors from China are helping Italy and Spain with medical products. The supermarkets are almost empty here and also in the rest of the world. I don’t find that at all funny. Maybe this pandemic virus is a wake up call for the world like that we have to be more compassionate, less egostic and think of others. Don’t buy so much stuff in the supermarkets because then someone else can’t buy toilet paper or hand gel or food. Think more of others than of yourself.

All people think of nowadays is me, myself and I. It’s the wrong way. We are all human and we all long for the same things such as food security, love, safety and being healthy. I also feel that this lack of control and uncertainty is making me more anxious. All governments and society thinks about is money and power. I’m a hippie by heart and just never feel like I approve with the society we are living in. Maybe more people feel that way.

Citizens have to be responsible for their actions too. In Italy and Spain they aren’t allowed to go outside or have fun with friends in some bar. Take these measures seriously. Many young people can’t die from it, but if you do get infected you can make others infected like people who are in a vulnerable state or older people. Your actions could be the death of someone else. Buy responsibly πŸ›’. My mother wanted to buy paracetamol today and saw everyone being greedy and getting them. That isn’t the way to handle things in life. I saw a picture where Italy has almost no pollution in the air and is clear. You see, we can fight climate change all together πŸ’ͺπŸ€—. I saw people donating loads of blood in Spain. Good things happen every day. We can all make a change in this world.

I will stay mostly at home now. It’s time to slow down. It’s time to help others and not think of me, myself and I. Let’s be compassionate, solidair and less egoistic. Follow the health instructions. Don’t buy everything you see in the supermarkets because then there will be nothing left for others. We have to be all strong together and help each other. We are all in this together. I’m also anxious right now but I hope this situation will be solved as long as we take all measures seriously. Wash your hands well and focus less on social media. I also have to watch less news as that only increase my anxiety and doesn’t solve anything. We will see what will happening the coming days. Stay safe at home 🏑, read books πŸ“š, blog, watch series and movies 🎬, or listen to podcasts. There are so many nice things to do at home. We don’t always have to be outside to have fun.

It’s time that countries work together with each other to combate this pandemic of Coronavirus. We are all together in this. 2020 is the year that will change our view of the world because of this health crisis. We will make it out stronger and hopefully we will learn to be more responsible for this earth and for all its people πŸŒπŸ’•.

At the end, everything will be allright. Take care, stay safe and love because that will never be cancelled πŸ’–πŸ’‹πŸ€—βœ¨I’m here for you all. I love you all so much!

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. I hope it didn’t sound depressing. I just wanted to share the good and the bad like always. How do you feel about the Coronavirus? Are you anxious? How’s it in your country? What do you do to calm yourself down? I really need some support right now. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

We meet everyone for a reason βœ¨

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Good news! ☺️ I feel somehow much better than some weeks ago were I really didn’t see the light at all and felt hopeless in life. It sounds pretty depressing but feeling anxious 24/7, feeling like you can’t breath, being nauseous all the time is really a hell. I hate anxiety so much 😭. It strange that I feel better now here I’m here in Holland because I’m always happier in Spain. To be honest, I never felt so low, depressed and anxious in Spain. I think because I associate it with going to the dentist which I didn’t do. I know it wasn’t a good idea to isolate myself for more than a week at home. In this blog post I will tell you about someone special I met on the airplane ✈️ back to Holland from Spain. I will tell you also some other travel stories. Oh how I love travelling 🌍. It’s the best and on those moments I can distract myself from my anxiety and meet people who really will change my life. I have to document these moments here on my blog because I’m afraid that otherwise I won’t remember them anymore. They are too precious to forget about them. In the moments that I felt so bad I even thought about not blogging anymore for a time but then I thought that would be a loss because that’s what I love to do the most. I have to keep doing the things I love to do or I would feel worse. Everything which brings me positivity is important to do πŸ’«.

So before I talk about the flight of a week ago back to Holland I want to talk about the flight I took in September. I was in Spain πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡Έ during the whole Summer and my mother and I got back to Holland in September. There was this guy sitting next to my mother in the other row who looked very friendly. He was around 36 years old. We had such good talks. He talked about how I could maybe find a job in Holland in a Dutch company and from there find a job in Spain. He said that I didn’t have to be insecure. He was Spanish and was working and living in The Netherlands. He gave me so much inspiration and so much good vibes, just what I needed in that moment. He told me that he was bullied too at school just like me. He told me that I’m a smart girl which can speak three languages: Spanish, English and Dutch and also graduated my studies. I know he is right about that. It’s just that I always feel so insecure and have a low self esteem. I guess that’s because of anxiety too. I never know what to do when people compliment me or say that I’m pretty. I got his FB but now never spoke again to him. I really liked talking to him with my mother.

Then I went again to Spain a few weeks ago with my mother. I was sitting next to a girl from Uruguay. I also have her Instagram now, haha I hope people don’t think I’m desperate to meet new people. This is just me being myself. My mother is also social as I’m. I’m not that girl who loves to isolate herself. It’s what my mental illness does to me. We talked a lot about the world, her country and my countries. We had such a nice talk. I always love to talk to people from different countries as we can learn so much from them.

So a week ago, we travelled back from Spain to Holland. I’ve never been that anxious to travel even though I’m always scared of flying. It’s just because I have felt so low all this time. I took valium many nights to sleep and also a bit for flying. I was just so afraid of having a panic attack and of course that didn’t happen. Most things we fear don’t happen, it’s just our minds which are playing tricks with us. Before we were at the airport we met a lovely woman at the train station. She talked about the political situation in Spain and said she is a journalist. She even gave her number to us and said that whenever we are in Madrid again we can drink something with her. Things like this always remind me of how many good people there are in this world ❀️🌍.

Later at the airport my mother saw a man who she knew from when she was working as a stewardess in a Spanish airline. He was working in the cafe we ordered a salad. What another beautiful coincidence was that I met my lovely Spanish teachers at the gate where I was waiting with my mother to fly to Holland. They came back in the same airplane and were just about to go to a conference. I didn’t see them anymore since I graduated my studies European Studies. I love them all so much πŸ’ž. I really miss that feeling of being a student in my life right now because I feel lost now in the big world. I told them something about being anxious and they told me that I’m a smart girl and that every little step is a step forward. I could also keep networking. I know finding a job in Spain is more difficult than in Holland as there’s more unemployment in Spain and for jobs in the public sector you need to pass a difficult exam which can take years. They still remembered how I spoke at the United Nations and did my internship at the University of Valladolid. We took a selfie and they would show it to another teacher which I also love so much.

Now comes the most important story I wanted to tell from the first place. I hope I didn’t ramble way too much haha πŸ˜‚. A week ago was the best flight I have ever had in my life because of someone special I met. You all know I’m a romantic and highly sensitive girl. I make up so many stories in my mind which is how I imagine the world to be, that rainbow coloured world where people are happy, flowers blossom and the sun is always shining πŸ˜πŸ’πŸŒžπŸŒˆ. That is the world which only exists in movies, books or in my mind. It’s pretty curious because maybe a week before I already dreamt of meeting a boy sitting next to me in the airplane. So I was already nervious thinking who is going to sit next to me at the window seat when a guy was going to sit next to me. We immediately begin to talk with no end. My mother also talked to him and find him very friendly and open.

It was one the most intense, beautiful, honest and inspiring talks I’ve ever had in my life ✨. I have had some really good talks in my life with people I love but with a stranger who you just met in the airplane not. This guy was so lovely, so cute and just so amazing 😍. Can you fall in love at first sight? πŸ’˜ I know I’m always so intense and have to be careful to not get my heart broken again but this connection we had in those few hours was so strong. We looked at each other many times. He listened carefully to what I had to say and me too. We talked about our lifes. He smiled a lot. We laughed a lot and made jokes. It’s in times that I haven’t felt such a strong connection with someone. He is an artist, 33 years old and works and study in the film industry 🎬. He has to travel a lot and goes to film events to present his documentaries. I find all of that so interesting. I love creative people with an open mind.

He loved my bracelets and touched them. We talked about our exes and everything. I’m always so open and sometimes that can be bad but I guess this day it was okay because he was also so open about everything, political view, his life and values. The way he looked at me made me nervous as I really felt such a strong attraction. It’s been so long that I didn’t have felt that. What I also loved about this guy is that he was honest and seemed sensitive. He also reminded me of a friend of me in Spain. He made me feel so calm and so peaceful. When I told him about how my ex wanted that I had to wear high heels because that would make me confident as he said, he said that it was wrong to change someone. He is so right because for me wearing high heels makes me feel unconfident.

Then we also talked about where he came from which is Basque country. I have my Spanish family living there too. We both had long distance relationships. Everything was such a coincidence and we seemed so similar as I’m also creative. He told me about that he also enjoyed surfing and swimming in the ocean. What I loved the most about our talk was when we began to talk about spirituality. I’m so in to that and not all my friends are. Since I’m reading the book “To love and let go” from Yoga Girl, I’m even more into that. I don’t think I believe in all things but I love astrology, the law of attraction and I believe the universe gives us what we want at the moment we need it πŸ™. He was talking about Ayahuasca ceremony. I don’t think I would ever try it as I think it would be dangerous for a person suffering from a mental illness. He told me I could do that but I didn’t told him all about my anxiety. It’s a kind of tea you drink where you go through a spiritual journey. You feel like you are going to die and then at the end you find the light again. I also read that in the book of Yoga Girl. It sounds very intense and it would make me so anxious to be honest.

This guy also told me that he did a tarrot reading. I always was very skeptical of it but somehow I feel like I could believe in it a bit. He told me he was an Emperor and that means that he likes to make feel people safe and make his dreams come true. I told him that once I was told to be a Mediator or helper and he said that fits me well. He is also an aquarius β™’ as zodiac sign and I’m geminis and I know that those zodiac signs are compatible. A friend of him also told him that he could get along well with geminis β™Š. I really like to believe in that.

I just felt so in the moment during this beautiful talk. I wish the flight would never have ended. I always get attached so much to people. I have his number and wrote him a message that it was nice to meet him and sent him some pictures we made. I really do hope we will meet each other again as he lives in Amsterdam until next Summer. He gave me a kiss on the cheek which is a normal Spanish way of greeting and also a hug. I never felt such a strong connection with someone. I do believe we meet all the people in life for a reason. They will teach us something. He texted me back a few days later and said he loved to have met me in the airplane too. He said seldom you find such honest and genuine people like me. He is thankful to have met me and also thanks me for the pictures I sent him. I also sent him a text back a few days later and told him the same. I also said that if he ever wants to meet up he can say that to me. The thing is, I also don’t want to be needy or obsessive as I can be really intense. I learned that from being in a relationship with my first love and other crushes. I do believe that whatever will be, will be. We don’t have to force anything. Anything which is meant to come into your life will come without forcing situations.

This universe is beautiful 🌌✨. This life is beautiful. I’m just so thankful for these special moments as they come in the moments I most need them. It’s like the universe is saying to me that my story isn’t over yet and that I can be happy and that good things will come my way. I really also know that I don’t have to get my hopes up but I just feel this fuzzy and warm feeling in my heart. I’m so thankful for everything. Thank you life for the hard and beautiful lessons. It reminds me that we are all here for a reason. I need to believe more in the universe and let it unfold itself. Stop controlling. Letting life flow. I just feel my heart full of gold right now 🌟.

“I believe in the good things coming πŸ’•”

Thank you all for reading this inspiring and long post. I felt very inspired to write this. What do you think of all of this? Do you believe we meet people for a reason? Are you a spiritual person? Do you believe in love at first sight? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I feel like everyone is living their best life, except me

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I just needed to write this down here and share it with you all. I hope my thoughts make some sense as these feelings and thoughts make me feel bad and sad 😒. I have this in my mind for so long right now that I just need to let it out. The best place to let it out is here on my blog writing about it. I’m going to write about how I feel right now. I feel like everyone is living their best life, except me. It’s like I’m stuck in this place in life and I don’t know how to seem to get out of it. It hurt me.

I feel like everyone is going on with their lives and enjoying their lives while I’m stuck in this hole. I’m stuck in a place and I don’t know how to get myself out of it. I’m not depressed but anxiety gets in my way and makes me also feel this way. I know everything you see on social media isn’t real because most people only show the good things in life like when they get a great job, are getting married πŸ’, have a baby or buy a house 🏑 . I see so many people I know achieving all big milestones in life while I just watch them from the sideline. It still hurt me sometimes to look at those pictures and think wow I’m 26 years old and I’m so behind in life. I struggle to find a job as you all know by now. I’m single and have no driver license. I sometimes get sad and also anxious about how I feel like nothing is going right in my life. I’m just surviving instead of living.

Some people I follow share their best travel pictures and go to amazing places where I dream of going to πŸŒŠπŸŒ΄πŸ„β€β™€οΈ 🌞. I know I also travel and have fun with my family and friends but that doesn’t mean it’s all okay. We all struggle but not everyone shows it in this world we live in. This is also the reason why I’m so looking into real friendships, relationships or any other connection may it be online or in real life. I crave honesty, empathy, compassion and understanding. I don’t want to be surrounded by toxic or fake people. I have done that in the past and it only made me feel worse in the long term. Being bullied during high school also makes me feel more careful around people now as I don’t want to get hurt again. It’s like I have a wall surrounding myself which is also not always good to have. I just wish people would be more real these days as I just can’t deal with all the fake people and things out there in this world πŸ’”. Is it too much to ask for realness in this world? Does it mean more for people to be fake just to impress others? I really don’t know. I just know that being real is what I want to be all my life even though that means loosing people who aren’t on the same vibe as I’m.

You know that feeling when you see someone who used to be your friend but you don’t even talk much anymore and then they ask you how are you are doing and about your life? Well, I just don’t want to talk about the truth with certain people as many people are only curious, want to gossip around about the things you said and don’t even care at all. They will tell you how awesome their life is and all that fake stuff which I can’t deal with. I just always have to lie about things in my life which I don’t like because I want to be real. In those moments I just don’t know what to say. I don’t like lying but I also don’t like to share intimate stuff with people who don’t even care. It’s none of their business you know. I have always been that sweet, innocent girl and I still am in some ways but I also don’t want that people take adventage of me anymore because of my soft personality.

I’m maybe not the only one who think they are behind in life. I know life is not a timeline of things we have to achieve at a certain age but society constantly throws it on our face. It’s hard to not look away from it and think about it in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. When I say to people in The Netherlands I still live at home they look strange at me. In Spain children live like for so long with their parents. I really love that family is important in Spain as when the parents are older the children care about them. I think that’s also a normal thing to do when your parents have cared about you your whole life. I love my parents and they are the most important people in my life together with my whole family and all my friends in real life and online of course πŸ’–. It’s just that society will not stop with these messages. We have to know that it’s our life and that everything is okay. We have to tell ourselves that everything we do in life is at the right time. We are all different and we all lead different lives. If we would be all the same it would be pretty boring.

I also have to remind myself that I’m doing my best and that that is enough. People think anxiety is an excuse for not doing certain things such as working. I would love to feel good and be able to do a good job. I’m applying for jobs but often don’t hear back. They will say I’m lazy, don’t try hard enough or that the things which takes me effort cause me anxiety. It’s true that working, going to the dentist, doctors and all that stuff scare me and cause me anxiety and sometimes also panic attacks. It’s not my fault. I don’t get anxiety when I travel only during the flight or when I have fun with my friends at a concert. I guess some people think that people who suffer from a mental illness just make everything up so that we don’t have to work or do scary stuff. I’m happy with the friends, family, blogging community, pen pals and the yoga girl community. I love all your support and appreciate it so much πŸ’—πŸ™. I also heard lately how I’m not doing an effort of feeling better because of suffering of anxiety. I don’t know if going to therapy would help me because I was vomiting and nauseous all the time when I went to speak to someone a few years ago. I don’t want to go through that again. Going to doctors, dentists and all that stuff makes me anxious so yeah it’s a circle where I don’t go of so I don’t know what to do.

I just wish that we all will achieve our dreams. I have so many dreams but I don’t know how to reach them and that’s when I get stuck and can’t move forward out of fear. We all deserve to achieve our dreams and live a life we are happy about. I hope that we can all find that happiness we are looking for ✨. I also just wish people would be more understanding these days especially for the ones who are struggling. I will keep raising awareness about mental health. It helps for me to be vulnerable enough to write it all down. Maybe it will help someone to feel less alone. Maybe you also feel this way and can share it with me. Maybe we can help each other and find a way out of this mess. Life is a beautiful mess and I’m so happy to be on this road all together. May we laugh. May we cry. May we always stick together for the end of our times πŸ’–.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all understand what I just told you about. Can you relate to my feelings? Do you also feel like everyone is living their best life while you feel behind? How are you doing in life right now? Let me know lovelies. I will be always be there for you like you all are there for me ❀️. That will never change. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Poem: That’s what real love is πŸ’•

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I was just in the mood of writing poetry. I would love to share my last written poem with you all. It’s about loving a person for who they are. I wrote it for myself and for every woman out there who may feel this way. We all want to be loved for being ourselves. I hope you will like this poem.

That’s what real love is πŸ’•

She is vulnerable and sensitive

She is funny but oh so fragile

She is wild and crazy

She is beautiful and smart

She is romantic and creative

She is all you ever wanted

But

She is also the girl who cries herself to sleep

She can feel sad for no reason

She get anxious very fast

She has mood swings

She is sometimes hard to deal with

If you really want to love her you will have to love every part of her because that’s what love is about

Accepting the person for who they are and loving them unconditionally

Then you know it’s real love πŸ’•

Thank you all for reading this poem. I loved writing it. I always get inspired at night. Can you relate to it? Did you like this poem? Would you love to see more poetry that I wrote on my blog? ✨ I would love to know your thoughts. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Reflection on 2018 & happy new year to you all! πŸŽ‰βœ¨πŸ’•πŸ’«

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Happy new year to you all! βœ¨πŸŽ‰ In this post I will talk about my 2018 and will show you how I celebrated New Year’s Eve. I’m glad I don’t have a cold amymore but just tonight I got my period so yeah that also sucks 😭 I’m glad I take medication for the cramps because otherwise I wouldn’t survive it. Besides, I’m also being anxious about my appointment of getting one of my wisdom teeth pulled out this week. I keep postponing the appointment. I know I have to do it but I’m so scared. H e l p. I also don’t want to do it in Holland. Here in Spain it’s much cheaper and the dentist understands my anxiety but I’m still so afraid and I just feel like I can’t cope. If anyone have some more tips to survive it I will be forever grateful πŸ™πŸ’• I can always take medication for anxiety if that’s enough to help me cope with it.

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We are already in 2019. A year has flown by. As usually I want to reflect on my year with this post and also write some important things for you all. Every year has its ups and downs. Every year consists of good things and bad things which happen to us. The most important thing is how we react to all these things. I know how hard it’s to stay positive in this sometimes dark world. I just keep believing that there are so many good things in the world and that there are indeed so many good people. You just have to find your tribe. I’m so glad I did.

I’m so happy with my blogging community, mental health community, Yoga Girl community and the goddess revolution community. I’m thankful that I joined these communities this year. They made me feel less alone and so much happier. If I’m in Holland I will maybe go to a meet up with some yoga girls. I also really wish that we will continue to all be friends and hopefully one day we will all meet ✨ I know the universe brought us all together for a reason which is to be connected with awesome people, share our struggles and feel supported.

I learned a lot this year. I learn every day from this world. This year I realized that there are truly lovely people who care about you and want you to be happy. I learned that it’s better to have a few good friends than a million of fake friends. The ones who love you will always be there for you no matter what. I learned that true love exists when I saw my brother getting married in August in Spain. I learned that this life is an adventure. Sometimes we win and sometimes we loose. We learn from every experience. I also learned that it’s okay if I’m not where I want to be in life. I still have a long way to go. I will find a career I love and will keep growing. It all takes time, pacience and trust in myself. I have to love myself, believe in myself and know that I can make my dreams come true such as working and living in Spain ✨

I also went to my first feminist strike in Valladolid, in Spain on International Women’s Day on the 8th of March with my mother. This was such an empowerful event. I never went to a demonstration before. I really wish 2019 will be the year that less women will be suffering from violence. I wish that women and men have the same human rights. Together we are starting a revolution. This is just the beginning. 2019 will be the year where women can be themselves, love themselves and love each other πŸ’•

This year I also learned that music is the best thing in life 🎢 I would be lost without music. I went to so many amazing concerts such as the OperaciΓ³n Triunfo 2017 concert in Madrid with my friend Maria πŸ’• OperaciΓ³n Triunfo makes me so happy and full of life. I also enjoyed the concert of Pablo Alboran, Chenoa, Hombres G and Celtas Cortos with my mother in Valladolid. I also enjoyed so much the concert of Sofia Ellar with my friend Maria. I can’t wait to see her again. It was so lovely to meet Sofia and get a picture with her. She’s the best and I can’t wait to see her singing again 😍

This year I began to read again a lot which I loved to do so much when I was younger. I will continue reading this new year. I also kept writing and being creative. I hope to create more amazing content on this blog. Writing is amazing. I travelled to Madrid, Granada, Santander and Somo. I discovered Somo which is a beautiful surfing village in the north of Spain. In 2019 I really want to go to a surf camp again πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠπŸŒž. I didn’t go surfing for more than two years. I miss it so much. It’s also so good for my mental health. The sea is my home and cleans my soul. The beach is my favourite place on this earth. I can’t wait to travel to more amazing places and meet more amazing people.

Somo, Santander (September 2018)

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Granada, Andalucia (July 2018)

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La RΓ‘bita, Mediterranean Sea, Granada (July 2018)

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Madrid (March 2018)

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Maybe for some of you this year was a hard year. Maybe some of you have lost someone close to you. Maybe you just didn’t felt okay and were struggling. I’m here for you. It’s okay to grief. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel sad. Feelings change and emotions change but it all takes time. Try to not be hard on yourself next year. Remember, I’ll will always be there for you πŸ’• I hope you will invest in self love and self care this new year because that’s the most important thing that matters. I also encourage you all to surround yourself with people who love you and who bring you only good vibes because you deserve that ✨.

I celebrated my New Year’s Eve in Valladolid, in Spain. I decided to not go out with my friends. I also didn’t go out last year. I used to party every year but I don’t feel in the mood anymore. I have to do what feels good to me. I went to the hairdressers in the afternoon to cut the dead ends, my bangs and they made curls in my hair. I love to look good for myself. I dressed up at home and did my make up. My mother and I went to the house of the mother of the wife of my brother. We celebrated all together New Year’s Eve: Rafael, my mother, VΓ©ronica, VΓ©ronica’s mother and her brother. We enjoyed eating delicious Spanish food.

We ate cheese, jamon serrano, chorizo, bread and chicken. I didn’t eat the fish because I don’t like fish so much haha πŸ˜‚ At 12 o’clock we watched the television and ate the 12 grapes. We also had champagne πŸ₯‚. It’s a tradition in Spain to eat the 12 grapes. They say it brings luck. We watched television where we were hearing beautiful music and we played Spanish card games. I really loved it so much. I love playing games with my family. At 3.30 am my mother and I went home and we stayed in watching some television. We went to bed at 6 am pretty late but doesn’t matter because it’s a special night. I’m glad I didn’t go out because as soon as we were home I got my period haha. On New Year’s Day we just stayed in and chilled. I saw the movie Grease. I just love that movie & the music so much 😍 I also saw the movie Paper Towns which I love so much from John Green. I already saw this movie with my best friend one day and loved it.

l wish you all an amazing new year full of love, happiness and luck πŸ€βœ¨βœŒοΈ Stay strong & stay safe. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ I love you all so so so much ❀️. Thank you all for reading. How was your New Year’s Eve? Did you stay at home or did you went to a party? Which are your goals or dreams to achieve in 2019? I would love to know. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

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Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Epiphany: I don’t want to be seen

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I just need to talk about a topic which is coming into my mind these last weeks. It’s also making me very anxious. I’m going to talk about how my blog is my safe space and how anxious I’m that people in real life find my blog. The thought makes me very uncomfortable. I’m going to talk about a epiphany I had. It’s a realization I have had for so long. I was even looking for making this blog private when people told me they found my blog but I don’t think that would be fun. I love the interaction with my community, the traffic of new followers and finding new inspirational blogs πŸ’–πŸ™.

A week ago I got a lovely mail from the mother of Lisa. I wrote about her loss in this blog post: Life is fragile. She died from Leucemia at just 28 years old. I also went to her cremation with my mother in October. I’m still very proud of myself that I went as I have such a huge fear of death and never went before to a funeral. Her mother wrote me such a beautiful and touching mail. I got really anxious after I knew that her family knew about my blog. They have read everything and if they are reading this: Hi lovelies ❀️. They are such a lovely family and can of course read my blog posts. I care about them and love them very much. She said I wrote so beautiful about her daughter. I was just so touched by this story and cried a lot about her loss. I even didn’t know her that well but our choir members are always so connected.

I know why I’m anxious about people finding my blog. I know my blog is public but just the thought of real life people finding my blog makes me want to hide in bed and hide from the world forever. Why do you think? I already shared that I have been bullied during high school. I’m so afraid of any bullies finding my blog. Just as I’m reading a book about how to cope with anxiety I felt more calm. I also took some anti anxiety medications a week ago because I couldn’t cope. I was overthinking all the time 😒. I’m worth it and I’m enough. I tried to change my thoughts from negative to more realistic and positive thoughts. I’m also learning that in an online chat which I take with people who are also struggling with that. It really helps me to feel a bit more peaceful πŸ™βœ¨πŸ’•

I have to know that not everyone would even care about reading my blog. I also don’t even have contact with all those bad people anymore. The family of Lisa is so lovely and also another man from the choir who I always feel calm and happy with. I just have to surround myself with people who gets me and supports me πŸ’–

It’s just that this blog and also my Instagram Seaofwordsblog is a safe space for me. It’s the only space I go to when I feel sad, anxious, happy or inspired. It’s a place where I go to when I’m crying and just need to let my feelings out and write about my thoughts. This is the only space where I’m 100% honest, vulnerable and authentic. I don’t want to be afraid all the time of people who I know finding my blog. I wouldn’t be able to write anymore about anything.

The mother of Lisa also read about my anxiety. She don’t judge me and understands me. I felt so loved reading her mails. I was also looking for tickets for the Christmas concert for this weekend in the cathedral. I used to sing in that choir. Then I got an email back that I could have the tickets for free. That’s really so sweet of them πŸ’•. I’m always happy to see my choir singing but also feel anxious that I get a panic attack or feel anxious in the church. There are just some experiences in my choir which made me feel anxious and insecure. I got bullied there and I also felt like I wasn’t good enough. When one time I sang a solo, they preferred that someone else had to sing it. Again a confirmation that I’m just not good enough even for singing when it’s one of my biggest passions in life. I also got a sh*t teacher who once said that I was going to get bullied in high school. Well, that happened. F*ck it πŸ˜”. Maybe, one day I will go to see some of my choir members who are nice to me but I still feel anxious about going.

I didn’t went to the Christmas concert because of this fear and also because it always bring up memories from the past with my ex boyfriend πŸ’”. Long story short, I met my first love when I was 17 years old during a choir tour in Cambridge in UK. The same city where my parents also met each other but they are still together for more than 40 years πŸ˜‚ Their love story ended well. He broke up with me when I was 19 years old during Christmas. It’s already 6 years ago and I’m over him but I still think that you can’t be completely over your first love. Every time I see my choir singing I get emotional because of these memories. I’m feeling a bit guilty now that I didn’t went because I got free tickets and some people were happy to see me but maybe I can go to another concert or go to the church at Christmas eve which I do often. My mother went alone to the concert. Maybe, I will just have to face this fear but it’s so hard for me 😭

Lately, I’m just so afraid of seeing someone I know in public. I don’t want everyone to know about my anxiety or getting asked questions about what I’m doing with my life. I’m living and surviving okay. I don’t know what I’m doing with life. I just know that this blog is everything for me. If you take this away from me I would feel even more hopeless and anxious. Here I can be vulnerable, open and honest without feeling judgment. I love this blogging and mental health community so much. It’s everything for me πŸ’•.

I think I just have to stop thinking about whether people in real life will find my blog or not. I’m safe here and will continue sharing my journey of coping with an anxiety disorder, the daily struggles and hardships of life and all the good things in life. I have to stop being scared all the time of people and about what they would think of me. It’s just really hard because I don’t trust many people anymore only my good friends, my online friends, online communities and my family. It’s so hard for me to find new friends or people because I’m always so scared to get bullied again or that someone will hurt me. I can’t deal with that anymore in life so I stay away from people, isolate myself and live in my own peaceful world with my music, blog, books, movies, postcasts and hide away from the real world 🌍.

I know the biggest reason why I don’t want to see anyone I know on the streets is that I just don’t want to be seen. I just always want to hide away in my bed, room or house. I know it isn’t that good but it’s really part of who I’m. People think I’m that outgoing social girl but I’m only crazy, completely myself and comfortable when I know you well. We have to best friends or good friends before I can trust you. I’ve always been that girl who never want to be in the center of attention. My father even said to me that I used to hide myself in boxes when I was a child πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚ I see where that’s coming from. When I was a teenager I would hide myself in a wardrobe when there was a visit. Nowadays, I hide myself in my bed covered with blankets and stuffed animals. Not much has changed just the place of were I’m hiding myself hahaha omg πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈπŸ€£ I’m always playing hide and seek in life.

I just am getting an epiphany. I love that word which Yoga Girl use so much. A few years ago I had some therapy sessions and also this lovely woman said to me that I just don’t want to be seen. That was also the reason why I always got uncomfortable, anxious, nauseous and even vommited times before I had to go to talk to her. I’m afraid to ask for help and support because I don’t want to be seen or take any space in this world.

It feels good to come to this realization because this is something I’m struggling all my life with. I’m always escaping from everything I fear in life simply because I want to hide away and I don’t want to do it. That’s it. I really hope with taking little baby steps forward I can change this in 2019 and the upcoming years. If I need more support as in therapy for my anxiety disorder then I have to take that step and do it even if I feel so scared. I have to let myself seen to get better in coping with anxiety and just in general in life. I can do it πŸ’ͺ. I only have to let myself seen and not hide in boxes, wardrobes or a bed anymore haha πŸ˜‚ That’s sounds like really simple but it will be difficult. I have to know that not everyone is going to judge me. I can speak up and be myself in this world. This blog is already such a big step for me to be seen in this world and I’m so damn proud I made this blog πŸ’• I will continue this amazing adventure with all of you ✨

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you can all understand my story. It felt good to write this as I was beginning to realize many things going on in my life. Can you relate to my story? Are you also afraid of people you know finding your blog? Do you also struggle with letting yourself seen in life? How do you cope with it? Let me know in the comments. I would love to hear your thoughts and if you have any tips for me they are also appreciated πŸ’—.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

The night that music made me cry and think of the world πŸŒ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

For I begin with this post I have to say that I don’t like when they change things like they did on WordPress. I don’t understand this new system of layout blocks that much. It always takes me a lot of time to get used to these new systems…arghh technology. I always used to justify my text for my blog post because I find that more beautiful but now I can’t do that anymore. Does anyone know a solution for this? I don’t want to pay WordPress bussiness to just get a plugin for this. I also tried some key short cuts but it didn’t work out. If anyone else has this problem or know a solution I would be forever grateful. Today’s blog post will about last Saturday evening where I just couldn’t stop crying 😒. Sometimes I have those nights. I cried so much that evening and here I’m going to explain what was going on that evening. Crying is good for you and your body. Sometimes we just have to let it all go in order to move on in life and feel better. When you cry, you release emotions and tension which is build up in your body. I will always be such an emotional person. It’s just who I’m and part of me. This post will be a post full of my thoughts and emotions during that night.

It was Saturday evening. I just ate dinner with my parents. After dinner we watched “Kinderen voor kinderen” which is a Dutch children’s choir maintained by public broadcaster VARA. The translation would be “Children for children.” Every year they record a cd and sing these songs during a live show on Dutch tv. I loved the songs more in the past because it made me feel more but I still love it so much. Music is life 🎢. I will never be too old for any type of music. This will be always be part of my childhood.

Here’s one of the popular songs which was also in the charts years ago. I love the clothes and the old school microphone hahah.

Kinderen voor kinderen – Op een onbewoond eiland
(They sing about how they want to live on a island where nobody lives and where every day is a happy day 🌴🌞)

The kids sing about war, high school problems, death, anxiety, being bullied, love, broken heart, family, travelling, injustice, saving the planet, feeling lonely and just everything. They sing such great songs with touching themes. I love it so much and all these beautiful songs will be forever remembered. I felt so much nostalgia when I saw this show that day. I see this liveshow almost every year. I grew up listening to all those amazing songs. In the newest cd they sang some beautiful songs about how important it’s to save our planet, save the bees and tigers. They also sang an amazing song about being bullied. I had to cry so much but I didn’t do it with my parents. I  prefered to cry on my own upstairs.

I went upstairs and began listening to other songs from years ago. I didn’t heard some beautiful songs yet and wow damn I felt two songs so deeply. I just couldn’t stop crying 😭. I felt so emotional. It was also maybe because I only slept 6 hours that night. There were two songs which really broke my heart. They were so beautiful that I began to think, cry, replay them and sing them. They sang one song “Waarom moet ik gaan” (Why do I have to leave) which was about a girl who’s refugee and came to the Netherlands 6 years ago. She asked herself the question why she has to go back to her country where there’s war. The Netherlands is sending her back. They also sang about how they don’t understand the law. Just writing about it now makes me again tear up. Since I’m also reading The sun and her flowers from Rupi Kaur I’m thinking a lot more about this subject. Here poems are beautiful and the poems in the part of rooting are just wow so beautiful. One of my good friends is also a refugee and came from Iraq to The Netherlands. Her story is so sad and heartbreaking.

When I was listening to this song from the Dutch choir I couldn’t stop crying. The lyrics was beautiful. The melody was amazing. The story was so sad. I also don’t understand why countries have to send refugees back when there’s war in their country. If there would be a war here or in Spain, I also would want to go away from the country where there’s war and be safe. I really hope to one day be able to help this people and maybe work in a organisation that helps refugees. I can’t deal with this feeling of hopeless. I want to be able to heal this world and make this world a better place to live in. Here you can listen to this song. It’s in Dutch but music has no language, right?! The kids are so cuteee 😍.

Kinderen voor kinderen – Waarom moet ik gaan
(Why do I have to leave, a beautiful and touching song about a girl who’s refugee and has to leave The Netherlands after 6 years)

Then there was another song which also made me tear up which was called “Leef met elkaar” (Live with each other). It was about bullying. I love that they sing often about this subject because it’s so important to raise awareness about it. This song was about how important it’s to end bullying. They sing about how kids bully each other and how much it hurts. The child feels lonely and is suffering. She is afraid to go to school because they run after her. She’s a bit smaller than the rest and she doesn’t understand why she get bullied. They also sing about how amazing the world is with all their differences in colours, flowers, seasons and animals. Humans destroy it because they are bullying each other which I agree with so much. We are all unique so we have to live with each other,  love each other and be there for each other ❀.

This was exactly how I felt when I got being bullied in my teenage years. I was so afraid of going to school. I was afraid to feel lonely again at school and hear the bullies laughing about me. It made me feel so insecure. Sometimes I still feel that I can’t let this past so easily go because it still hurts me so much. It also shaped me into the person I’m now. A big influence of having anxiety and low self esteem is because I’ve been bullied. As I was listening to this song I also felt hope in my heart. I truly believe that we are all unique and that we have to embrace our differences. This world is beautiful because of all the different nationalities, races, colour, sexualities, just everything. We are all unique human beings. If everyone would be the same this world would be pretty boring. I love the diversity but also would love that everyone would be treated as equal. It’s still not the case in this world but hopefully in the future it will.

Here below you can hear the song. It’s such a beautiful song.

Kinderen voor kinderen – Leef met elkaar
(Live with each other, a beautiful song about how much bullying hurts and that we have to love each other)

Sometimes all you need is a good cry. I truly believe that the way to heal ourselves is to feel every emotion. Let’s not run away from our feelings. I continued crying in the living room with my mother by my side. She always understands me so well. Sometimes you just have to let everything out to clean yourself. I just have always had a hard time dealing with the injustice in this world. Being a highly sensitive person makes me feel everything so deeply that I just can’t move on easily from it. I always have the thought that I could do more in this world in order to make a real change. Hopefully, I will get a career that fits my personality and can make a real change for this world. I believe that I’m alive to help each other and be inspired by everyone on this planet. Together we will make this world a better place πŸ™πŸŒ Just take little steps forward. “Be the change you want to see in the world” as Gandhi says.

Thank you all for reading this post. I hope you can all understand me. Did you like the songs? Can you relate to my thoughts and emotions? Do you also sometimes tear up listening to touching songs which make you think of this world? I would love to know your thoughts on this. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina