Feeling done with this world πŸ˜’πŸ’”

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I will write a not so happy blog post. I like to share about my favourites and music reviews but I love to just write anything what’s on my mind because then I’m writing from my heart to yours. It makes me feel a bit better to let my thoughts go and I also hope it will help others to feel less alone. We all struggle in life with things only not at the same time. I hope I won’t sound too depressive but I just really don’t feel okay lately. Everything feels heavy and too much. I’m always my authentically self on this blog so I will try to be honest about my feelings and thoughts. When Summer ends I always feel this way because I’m a Summer girl forever. I don’t like dark days and less sun light.

I don’t know why I feel this way lately. Maybe it’s the thought of having to go back to Holland in two weeks. I have been SO happy here in Spain. I have been eating tapas a lot, drinking delicious milkshakes and ice creams, went swimming, went on a trip to the beach with my mother and surfed after 4 years πŸ„πŸŒŠ which I will share soon with you all, went for walks and saw my friends here a lot. I really have been enjoying life so much.

A few nights ago I cried about thinking having to go back to The Netherlands πŸ˜­πŸ’”. I don’t want. I’m just SO done with leaving my happy place. I love The Netherlands too. I love to see my friends and family there too of course. I’m just SO much happier in Spain. Just writing this makes me cry so much again. I just want to live here forever. I also experience anxiety here but at the end my heart longs for Spain. I’m also anxious that we won’t be able to go again for a long time because of the pandemic. I applied for jobs without any luck. If there’s one thing I know for sure is that I want to live in Spain permenantly.

I also feel anxious and depressed again to go to the dentist. I’m happy it went again well. In this blog post I talk about my experience of my second wisdom tooth removal. I still have to go twice but I’m more anxious for the lower wisdom teeth because they are in my gum. I don’t know whether to do it here now or in a few months. I’m really dreading it. I love this dentist but that doesn’t mean I’m not anxious to go anymore. Still feeling anxious and not okay. It’s still no fun. It isn’t a trauma and didn’t hurt that much afterwards. The only thing is that with the lower wisdom teeth extraction it will hurt a bit more. He said one or two points more, nothing like a brave women like you won’t be able to tolerate. It was really sweet what he said but I feel like I don’t want to be brave anymore.

I feel depressed lately and anxious 😞. I don’t know how to live life without feeling constantly anxious about something whether that’s going to the dentist, flying, going to an interview or anything else. I feel like I have no purpose and will never achieve my dreams because of anxiety. Then a friend of me said that it would be good to go to therapy. Well, I had some talks in the past and had to vomit every time and felt even more depressed and worse afterwards. I don’t want to go through that again. I also don’t like people giving me advice because like Yoga Girl said, we know ourselves the best. I love to get tips and recommendations but at the end this is my life. I just hate when people tell me what to do even though some will mean it well. I’m a helper and I have pleases way too many people in my life who didn’t deserve it. It’s my turn now to choose what’s right for me even though I sometimes don’t have any clue and feel lost as hell in life.

Everything what’s happening in this world right now also makes me feel totally not okay. I deactivated FB and my personal Instagram. Sometimes I think of deleting it all but that’s maybe too much I will just take a break. I’m done with seeing happy perfect pictures and fake lives. Inspiring people is what makes me happy and following others who inspire me too such as Yoga Girl, artists and other people. Social media often gived such as a false view of life. What you see isn’t real. I think that makes us all feel even worse especially when we are dealing with mental health illnesses such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, eating disorder or any other. To see people living their life best while you are not feeling okay will not help you. I giess it’s important to have a social media detox. I feel different while blogging because I’m just completely myself without feeling I will be judged. Blogging is my safe space and will always be πŸ™πŸ’–.

Everything feels too heavy for me lately. I decided to stop watching news or anything triggering my mental health too. It’s not being egoistic but I really can’t deal with any negative news happening in this world anymore. It’s too much for my highly sensitive brain. I can’t take it anymore. I think for the people who are already sensitive for negativity and also are struggling in life, this pandemic hit really hard. I remember when it all began in March and I was just lying in bed thinking about the world ending. I still sometimes think of this question: How can I cope in this world when I don’t see any light in the tunnel? When is this going to end? My anxiety goes to the roof when I don’t know the end point of something. I know that when I go to the dentist half hour later I feel okay again. With this it’s different. No one knows when this pandemic will end and if it will end one day. It makes it definitely more scary which makes me feel even more anxious.

I’m happy I live a more normal life here in Spain. For many months I was at home and only going on a few walks. I have been doing loads of fun stuff here but always doing social distance, wearing a mask which I hate because it gets so warm, and washing my hands a lot. I just feel that even though we have the internet, it makes us feel more isolated and lonelier too. Yes, video calls and chatting is nice but it will NEVER replace real human connection. Seeing each other face to face and hugging each other is the most valuable things ever in life. Having a vulnerable conversation with someone we love, crying on someone’s their shoulder, helping a stranger, giving someone a hug will never be the same online. The online world will never give you the same feelings. Seeing everyone being afraid of each other and not wanting to be near to them breaks my heart even more. Really?! What has the world become? I know they are many things to be grateful for like being more present, slowing down and spending time in nature. It’s just really hard sometimes.

This was basically my rant of how I feel in life regarding to the pandemic, this world and just my feelings. I hope we all have a safe space to be able to talk about our feelings without being judged. I’m here for you all and hope you are all being safe πŸ™πŸ’–.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. How are you all doing? What are some tips you have for me for coping with anxiety with everything what’s happening in this world? Do you also feel better when doing a social detox? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I faced my anxiety again and got my second wisdom tooth extraction! πŸ’ͺπŸ¦·πŸ‘Š

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

On the 24th of August I faced my dentist anxiety again. By then I still had to get rid of three wisdom teeth. Now only two 🦷🦷 lol it sounds less which makes me feel a bit more calm and happier. Yeahhhh I say byebye again to one wisdom tooth! πŸ˜‚. In this blog post I will tell you about my experience. I always love to talk about the things I fear on my blog and also related to anxiety because I know I’m not the only one facing these fears. It makes me feel less alone and writing release some anxiety which always good. Writing means healing and letting go.

So, the night before I was SO anxious again 😭. People say that the more you do something, the less scared you are. It ain’t no true when you suffer from a mental illness like anxiety. I still feel anxious even if I do something a million times like flying or going to the dentist. My heart was beating fast the night before and the day itself which was Monday. My appointment was late in the afternoon. I felt nauseous too. I always don’t eat much when I do something which scares me because otherwise I have to tendency to vomit because of anxiety. It always makes me feel ashamed to admit that but it doesn’t matter because everyone has something. There’s no person in this world who is never anxious. I just feel it a million times more which makes it so hard. The last time I went for a wisdom tooth extraction was in January. This time I could except more what would happen which maybe made me feel a bit more grounded. I also went swimming a lot the days before and did some meditation but I still felt so anxious.

I deciced together with my dentist that the best thing is to do it one by one. People said to me why don’t you just get rid of the four in one time. That treatment would be longer, I would have more pain and even more anxiety. Here in Spain they do it one by one, much better. Besides, I have to do what makes me feel good and not what other people except me to do. As I suffer from anxiety, I prefer to do things in parts. If you are anxious about something like going to the dentist or studying for an exam, a good way to release some anxiety is to break that daunting task into little parts. This way your brain will take it better. For me it works. I get really overwhelmed when I have to do something scary all at once.

The thing which makes me keep going to the dentist even though I’m scared is trust. I trust this dentist and his team. I trust them with all my heart πŸ’–πŸ™. I’m always afraid of people hurting me because of being bullied in the past. It makes me trust people less. Here I feel safe and respected. If I’m anxious, so be it. If I cry then that’s okay too. Trusting in people whether those are professionals, your friends or family is so important. We all need this in life. It gives us a sense of safety. I had to wait at the dental clinic with my mother for more than a half hour because there were more people. I drank some water and prefered to wait there then go outside. I was the last one because they close at 8.30/9.00 PM. Fernando (the dentist) came and I was like bybye I will go run away 🀣. He found that funny. I love it how you can call them their first names and they do the same with me. It makes it all less scary and more familiar.

So, I lay down and said how I would prefer to be on a beach right now. He laughed. I really find it funny how dentists talk with their patients while they are doing stuff in their mouth it’s like halooooo how can I talk normally?! I know they do it to ease the tension and be less anxious. Just when he was putting the local anesthesia in my mouth he asked me if I was working or studying. I said no. I said that I spent my time crying and having anxiety in life. It’s not totally true but I said that I’m also writing for some poetry competitions. Unfortunately I didn’t win any of them. Then he said oh you can have a blog. I said that I have one. I said: “I wrote about you haha”. Fernando: “I hope it was something positive.” I said: “No haha πŸ˜‚.” He looked at me like big eyes πŸ‘€. I was like no of course something positive! πŸ’ž He was happy to hear that. End well haha. It’s so nice to talk to him because it feels like I’m talking to a friend instead of a doctor.

This time I felt the needle πŸ’‰ of the local anesthesia even less. I got again the squeeze shark haha 🦈. I have it in my hands and can squeeze it. It helps for people who are anxious. Fidget toys help too. Fernando is even specialised in people who have anxiety because he definitely makes me feel so at peace. He said breath in slowly, breath out slowly and it worked. Then my mouth was numb and he could take my teeth out. It took a bit more time to get this teeth out but eventually it went well. All the time he asked if I had pain and I said no. I just felt some pressure. Then I heard click and that moment was the one he took my teeth out. There wasn’t even much blood. This time I saved the teeth. It’s now at home haha I will keep it for the tooth fairy lol. I wish I were that young again. I don’t know what he does but he is amazing. Best dentist evah. I really love them so much 😍😭.

He prescribed me again antibiotics, probiotics and ibuprofen for the pain. We had a lovely chat afterwards. He said that maybe I could have low blood pressure if sometimes I’m dizzy and anxious. He wanted to go to Mallorca but this year he won’t go on holidays because of the pandemic. I told him he is very tan haha. He is just really handsome. We got a free toothpasta. He said he don’t watch so much news which is much better. Then he told us a horrible story. Fernando said a man from 82 years old died by suicide this year because he was done with reading only negative news πŸ˜”πŸ˜’. It really hit him because he was a patient of him. It happened in front of the dental clinic. It’s really horrible to know that so many people are suffering now from mental health illnesses and nobody is doing saying anything about it. This pandemic is hitting us all hard economically, health wise too and mentally. I stopped reading and watching the news these last months because I couldn’t cope with it too. I get into a negative and anxious spiral which is difficult to get out of. I just want to know some stuff regarding travelling because we are always between Spain and The Netherlands but that’s it. I know me, my mother and my friends follow the safety measures which are washing our hands, wearing a mask and do social distance. I can’t control others so that’s it. It makes me so sad that this man didn’t had any support and felt so low to end his life. My heart is with him.

After this talk Fernando said don’t forget to have the gauze 20 minutes. I said yes but uhhh it was 30 minutes, right?! He said 10 minutes has passed now haha talking. We both laughed lol I really these chats so much. Everything goes so smoothly and so chill. It feels like I’m chilling with a friend. I have felt so much emotions these days. I was feeling low and high on energy. After having so much anxiety I felt relief and I felt again the feeling of letting something go. I may loose all my wisdom teeth but at the end I gain wisdom from this experience. I felt also very tired these days, maybe it’s because of the meds. The first night I couldn’t sleep on the side I always sleep so it frustated me. I had pain for a few days and now I feel almost like normal again. I ate solid food, some soft bread, gazpacho which is a delicious cold Spanish soup, tortilla de patata, pasta and veggie pures. It was all so delicious. I miss pizza πŸ•πŸ˜‹ though haha.

On Wednesday I went again for a check up at the dentist I had this white dress on and make up. I love to look good for myself. Then I was sitting on the chair and he said that I looked very good (EstΓ‘s muy guapa). And then without thinking I said haha for you πŸ˜‚. This is me being direct always 🀭. Fernando found it funny lol. He also said that the lower wisdom teeth removal will hurt a bit more but nothing like a brave woman like me won’t be able to tolerate. I felt completely flattered. If more men would be like him, this world would definitely be a better place. Of course, I love to look well for me. I will never ever again change myself for anyone. In the past I’ve done that which means wearing high heels for my ex but I really hated it. He said it made me have more self confidence. Wrong!!!! I did that for him. He said all girls wear high heels. I let the wild woman roar 🐺, the more authentic and honest I’m with myself. Not everyone likes that but that doesn’t matter. This is me. I’m my beautiful self which is the best way I can be. I’m a wild woman, watch me rise up πŸ”₯

The thing is that sometimes I feel like I’m in love with this dentist 😍πŸ₯°. Maybe it’s just me being cray cray haha. I think this feeling is normal when doctors take such good care of you, respect you and know how to care about your mental health too. I come from a traumatic experience in The Netherlands where a dentist said I’m childish and 15 years old. Now, I have a totally different experience which makes me feel in awe with the world. There are so many good people out there who wants best for you. Someone who gets me when I’m anxious deserves it all. I really need it. I don’t know if these feelings are mutual lol in love what?! I guess he just knows how to be there for me and make me feel less anxious. I hope that the next two times I have to go will go also well even though I still will be anxious. That will not change because I’m an anxious person but of course it’s not part of my personality. It will never be. I’m a loving, sensitive and caring person who suffers from anxiety. That’s the difference. We are all in this together. We are never alone in our struggles. I’m always here for you all πŸ™.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you liked it. Did you also had to have a wisdom teeth extraction? Was it painful? What do you think of the things my dentist said to me? Is it love haha? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina

I see humans but no humanity πŸ’”πŸ˜’

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I wanted to write a more happier post but I always want to be honest on my blog so I won’t do that. I’m always vulnerable and real on my blog. I always write straight from my heart. Writing straight from my heart also gives me the most inspiration. I don’t like to plan blog posts. It has to flow like life too. These days I don’t feel okay so I will write about my feelings and thoughts. I hope you are all okay and safe. I’m here for you too. This blog post will be about my health, how I feel and about humanity. It feels good to write it all down and have a more sense of peace in my mind.

I was very happy the first days I arrived in Spain. I have been eating delicious tapas, ice creams 🍦🍨🍧, milkshakes, enjoyed the sunshine 🌞 and went swimming a lot πŸŠβ€β™€οΈ. The last days I have felt low and kinda depressed. I also had my period so I’m always more sensitive to everything during that time of the month. Besides, I’m really tired and my throat hurts a lot when I swallow, drink or eat something. It feels like it’s swollen too. If anyone knows me well, you know how anxious I’m about dentists or doctors so I will wait a few more days. The bad thing is that nowadays many people think easily oh no it’s Corona when you can have something else. I don’t have fever or anything. I just hope that it will go away soon. I really want to feel better again.

I also am beginning to feel anxious again to have to go to the dentist in two weeks. I still have to get rid of three wisdom teeth but it’s really draining me. I’m so done with it. It makes me so anxious 😒🦷. The dentist and his team are very lovely but it’s still no fun. Again feeling numb, then not eating a few days and taking meds for pain. It was worse than I imagined but still not fun. The anxiety I feel is always worse than the thing itself. Anxiety is a monster and I would love to be able to tame it one day. I will use valium to calm myself down. I’m so grateful for my mother who is always there for me to hold my hand and be at my side. I couldn’t do anything scary without her help. I really would be so lost. I love her so much. She is the kindest and most loveliest person ever.

I’m a highly sensitive person which means that I feel every emotion more. I feel others suffering more and also love more. It’s a gift but can also be a curse sometimes. I feel others pain deeply. Some of my friends are dealing with emotional stuff. I feel them. I feel people suffering from the pandemic. It hurts me so much to see so much pain in the world. I have been feeling very emotional and sad too these days. I can’t deal with people doing bad things to good people. It breaks my heart πŸ’”. Why is there so much hate in this world? Why can’t people just be nice and kind to each other or is that too much to ask for? I really would love to have some answers on that but I don’t have. I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. It’s so unfair.

I have felt this way too because of the harrasment which yoga_girl is receiving just because she said that’s better not to travel now to Aruba from a country with a high risk of the virus. Aruba suffers from an economic crisis because it depends on tourism. I can understand that but the health and safety of the citizens are more important. I think that’s obvious. I just can’t understand how people find it okay to treathening other people lives. It’s so scary. Rachel and her family have received hate and what’s worse than that is threats. They even stalked their house. I’m happy they are safe now. It would be a shame if they have to move because of some locals being aggressive to them. I’m so happy to be part of the yoga community and will forever be βœ¨πŸ™πŸ’–. We are all here for you guys. Rachel, you are such a light in this world and have healed so many hearts including mine. I’m still healing though. I can’t thank you enough. Be safe. I love you so much.

I have also noticed that I feel more like myself these days. The more I feel, the more I feel like myself because this is who I’m. I get anxious, I get depressed, I feel low but I also can be happy and feel gratitude in my heart. I feel it all. Even though sometimes I find it really hard to live in this world because there are so many scary things and bad people out there too. I’m grateful for the good people I have in my life. I’m so happy to have this beautiful blogging community too who’s always there for me too. I can’t wait to meet you all one day and thank you. You are always there for me when I’m sad and celebrate my happy days. We will always stick together forever.

I wish there would be more people like you all in this world πŸ’žπŸ™. Sometimes I definitely feel like there are so many bad people and things out there. I get scared and anxious and feel such a heavy feeling on my shoulders. I wish for peace, respect and compassion and being one with the world. What the world needs right now is union and not more separation 🌍. There’s already too much of that and it didn’t bring anything good.

May we all find the light and love in our own hearts and spread it to the world ✨. This world needs healing, so much love, compassion and kindness. It will never be enough. What this world needs right now is a group hug which would be now in distance with the pandemic but you all understand what I mean. More love, less hate. More compassion, less cold-hearted people.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you can understand and respect my feelings. How are you feeling lately? Are you also anxious of going to the doctor or dentist? What do you think of humanity? Do you also find it unfair that bad things happen to good people? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post. Be safe you all and remember we are never alone in our struggles. Like I always say, we are always in this together πŸ’ͺπŸ’–.

I love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Holaaa from Spain after 7 months not being able to travel! πŸ˜πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡ΈπŸŒŠπŸŒžπŸŒ΄πŸŒ»

Hola lovelies πŸ₯°,

I’m finally back in Spain since last Tuesday. I CRY BECAUSE I MISSED IT SOOOO MUCH 😍πŸ₯ΊπŸ₯°. Just writing this makes me cry again and gets me so emotional. I’m behind some other posts but I think I’m not going to write them anymore. I have been feel a bit stressed about my blog lately like I have to blog about this, not miss this and it’s not good. I’m always a perfectionist so when I finally do something after procastinating then I want to do it good. I prefer quality blog posts then just posts for the sake of it. This blog post will be about my journey to Spain, how I feel, things I have on my mind and how things are right now due to this pandemic. I really missed having a good chat with you guys. This post is basically going to be a rant haha πŸ˜‚. I hope you will like it.

I can’t believe we are already in August like wtf this year is the longest and the shortest ever 😳. How do you feel about it? So much has happened in the world these months because of the pandemic. I really imagine myself cheering the new year last year and we all didn’t know what was about to come. It makes me feel bittersweet though. I don’t know how to feel about a new year coming because I don’t know what we have to except. The best thing is having no expectations and just going with the flow. I read a beautiful quote a few days ago which said that so much can happen in 6 months which is true. So, I hope these last 5 months will turn out fine or better than these last months.

In my life, not that much has happened. I still have no job but right now it’s even more difficult to find one related to what I studied. I studied European Studies which is a broad study with a wide range of subjects such as marketing, languages, international relations and politics. I also really find myself thinking of how I would love to make a living out of writing. I crave it so badly. I also love doing yoga, reading, travelling, singing and surfing so much. I’ve also sometimes dreamt about how amazing it would be to build a surf school related to mental health problems to provide people help and support while enjoying the ocean. I can’t wait to maybe go to the beach and surf this Summer in Spain πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡ΈπŸŒŠπŸ„β€β™€οΈ. I miss the sea so much. Maybe those dreams are wild but it would be so amazing. I still feel kinda stuck related to thinking about a career. I used to apply to some jobs in Spain but got no answer. I even did an interview for a internship and never heard back. It’s more difficult right now. I also got information to take an exam for a job in the public sector which is mandatory in Spain. I just don’t know and still feel lost after so many years. It’s normal I say to myself. Anxiety also gets in the way. Some people see it as excuse but they have no idea how hard it’s to live with it and being expected to do everyday stuff.

I also entered some writing competitions. I didn’t won the one from Barcelona. At least I tried. Besides, Barcelona is now more at risk so it’s better not to go. I will hear about the poetry contest about mental health next month. I will also maybe join another contest these days which is about my city Haarlem, in The Netherlands. They are looking for a city poet who will write for them and also earn €3000 euro each year and will even have the opportunity to publish a book about poems of Haarlem. I will join and we will see what happens next. I have already a no but you never know what may be the result.

Thanks to the pandemic which is also strange to I’m also grounding myself more and being present with all the things I have. I have been doing yoga and medititation many times in a week πŸ§˜β€β™€οΈβœ¨. It’s so good. I feel more lost and less calm when I don’t do it. It’s been a such a healing tool and I will stick to it forever. I can’t wait to be able to have a job, save money and go to a yoga retreat in Aruba and finally meet Yoga Girl and the whole community. I love it so much. I don’t have a yoga mat here in Spain but I will use maybe a camping mat until I have one here. I crave connection so much. It’s the best. It reminds me I’m never alone and that I always have people behind me. I did a sharing circle on Zoom with Yoga Girl and more than 60 people joined a few days ago which I will share more about in my July favourites. It was so special and omg I also felt anxious and strange. I had never done it before. In real life it would be even more intense. We did a meditation and then we got a sharing partner. We had to talk about our struggles and the other person listened and didn’t give advice. It’s much more powerful then just always interrumpting a person. Rachel Brathen (Yoga Girl) said that we have our answers in our heart. These sharings are so much more powerful than anything else πŸ’–. I got emotional when I listened and my partner too. I can’t wait to do it many more times.

I’m happy to be back in Spain but also feel mixed feelings. Nothing is normal anymore. Our trip went very well. I was so happy to go but never felt so anxious before a trip. I really didn’t like some of my family members and also a friend of my mother saying we are irresponsible to go to Spain when we are very careful. I couldn’t sleep the night before. I felt so unwell and anxious. I hate to get influenced but others because our trip went super well. We had to wear masks, do social distance and wash our hands often. Nothing new. I’m more used now to wearing a face mask almost all the time because it’s mandatory here in Spain 😷. In Holland it’s only mandatory in public transport and in a regio of Amsterdam and Rotterdam. I changed my mind and think it’s very important to wear it even though it’s a struggle in the heat. We passed the security in 15 min. We drank some tea and ate a croissant and went to the gate. Boarding was nice, the flight was great without any turbulence. There were almost no people. I watched High School Musical 🎢. I loved it. I had never watched it before.

When we landed in the airport of Madrid, they checked our QR-code which is the health paper you have to fill in before you go to Spain. Then you pass a control and there are camera’s above which check your temperature. There are also nurses there in case you are feeling bad. Everything is clean and well organised. We got our suitcases, took a taxi to the station of Madrid and there suddenly I saw my good friend Pedro and his girlfriend. I love to always meet people as a surprise. We ate delicious Spanish food with them and waited for the train. It takes one hour to go to Valladolid by the high speed train. Then we took a taxi home and in the afternoon we were safe and sound at home. I thought something would happen during the trip or I would feel more anxious. I felt more calm because everything went well. I don’t want to listen to scary stories anymore or watch too much news. We are safe and will do anything to stay safe. We can’t stay forever in our homes too.

These days I have been resting in Spain in our home, eating some delicicous tapas and just walking in nature. We also went already to the swimming pool which we love so much πŸŠβ€β™€οΈπŸŒž. I have to enjoy it now before I get my period which I hate even more in Summer. There’s no beach here so the pool is the best place to be. I’m just so much more happier here. It’s been so hot here, like 37 degrees. Right now, it’s 30 degrees. I love Summers in Spain so much. I really craved it. This week I will finally see my friends which I missed so much. I also saw a new restaurant with vegan food and poke bowls omggg can’t wait to try it. I will celebrate my birthday with my friends there πŸŽ‰πŸ€—. I also saw a new yoga studio. Maybe will go there too. I also will go the hairdresser soon. I can never cut much just the death ends and my bangs because I didn’t went for like a year. I also have to go to the dentist end of month to get rid again of one wisdom teeth 🦷. I’m anxious about that again but maybe a bit less than in January. I told about my experience here. It’s still a struggle so please guys be there for me and send me love. I need it. I just know I have no other choice because I have sometimes strange feelings and pain. I can’t wait to be able to say I faced this 4 times and it went well.

I’m really happy to be here but I also feel sadness in Spain. I see elderly walking and I get emotional thinking of how many people have died here and all over the world. In Spain people are so social and always together. The Netherlands has a individualistic culture. It’s so different. You see less people and people are afraid which is normal. Night life is different too. I don’t miss fiestas so much because what I need in life is more connection and deep talks rather than being drunk all the time. It’s been ages for me and I’m really happy to have gone a different way in drinking alcohol. I don’t need to drink much to have fun. The virus is still here and we have to be careful. They are putting some villages in Valladolid in lockdown again which just means that it isn’t over. I hope you all stay safe this Summer and have fun. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺπŸ™.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it wasn’t too boring. I hope you all liked it. What are you up to during this Summer? How are you feeling? How is your physical and mental health? What do you think of what I wrote? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Black lives matter πŸ–€πŸ‘Š

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I wanted to write a blog post about my birthday presents 🎁 but first I have to write a more important post which is a poem about Black Lives Matter. I will also talk more about racism in this post. We can’t close our eyes anymore for what has happened in our world and what is happening now. Racism exists in every form, not only in America. It also exists in Europe. White privilege and white supremacy is real. It’s so easy to ignore the pain of what black people have to go through because we don’t experience it on a daily basis. If we are black people and have to suffer this on a daily basis and watch people murdered just because of their skin colour, we would definitely think different about this whole situation. We can’t ignore racism anymore.

In America racism is more obvious because of the different cultures living there. In America you can also see the difference between poor and rich much more than in other countries in Europe. It’s more obvious I think. Slavery and racism have always existed. Europe exists because our countries made colonies and murdered people because of their colour. The Netherlands did that too. UK too and Spain and many more countries. It’s horrible to think that we as white people made this possible 😒. It’s our history. I want to read more about it because I want to educate myself better and understand everything. I think I will buy some books related to racism and white privilege.

I never talked before about the topic of racism because it makes me feel insecure sometimes. I find it uncomfortable if I don’t know enough about the subject. I don’t want to hurt other people. I think I don’t know enough of it to speak up. Now, I realise that that doesn’t matter. I can speak up and still learn new things and grow from what I know now. If we all think this way we are only just embracing our white privilege. We have to speak up about it because that’s the only way to help others. We have to be an ally for black people. Not speaking up is no option anymore. You can’t say that you are not a racist and being silent. That’s just not the right way to handle things. If nobody speaks up about a difficult topic nothing will change. We have to listen to the black people and do our learning process on our own.

I have a friend who is black and I always was with her in the church singing. I don’t see her much anymore but she still has a place in my heart. I have never seen her different because of her skin colour. Human beings learn within the years racist attitudes and thoughts. I remember she was playing with me in my neighbourhood and people called her mean names such as “chocolate” and wanted her to go away. I feel guilty now thinking of this because I didn’t do enough. I had to stand up for her. Now, I would do that. It is okay to see what I did wrong then and change my behaviour now and for the future.

It’s okay to look back to the mistakes we made. We can learn from it and grow from it. Now and always is the time to donate money to organizations which help back people. I already donated money for the organization which helps black people called “Black lives matter”. You can donate here. Every dollar or euro counts. I also signed a petition for the death of George Floyd. He was killed by a white police man putting his knee in his neck. 9 minutes long he wasn’t able to breath. I saw the pictures and it horrified me. This happened in America but to be honest this racism action exists everywhere. Maybe not in the same form but it still exists. Don’t look back from it but say something against it. We can’t let this happen again.

I will share with you now the poem I made for black lives matter. I hope it inspires others to educate yourself and be a real ally for black people.

Black lives matter

George Floyd got killed by a white police man in America

Just because he is a black man

Sandra Bland, Nia Wilson, Freddie Gray, Breonna Taylor

Those are just a few names who also got killed by their skin colour

How long are we going to go on with this without stopping racism?

We all have been way to ignorant with this problem

I admit that I feel guilty about that too

It’s so much easier to close our eyes for things we don’t want to feel

That’s called

White privilege

We can’t imagine how much pain black people go through so we close our eyes, heart and ignore it

So, we say ”I’m not racist, all lives matter” which is a wrong statement

Not all lives matter

Black people get killed because of their skin colour

It isn’t fair

Now it’s the time to speak up

Staying silence is only making things worse

Our discomfort is nothing compared to their pain

Educate yourself, read books, donate money, be a real ally for black people

Call people out when someone is making racist jokes

”Be the change you wish to see in the world 🌍❀️”

Come in action

Do it now, not later

Change is coming and it has to start with ourselves

Our thoughts and action matter

Let’s do it all together

We can do it, yes we can! πŸ’ͺπŸ’–πŸ‘Š


Thank you all for reading this important blog post πŸ™. We have to talk about racism always not only when something big is happening. This is happening for years and it’s time to fight against it. Speak up and be the change in the world. What do you do to be a good ally for black people? Which books are you reading and which ones would you recommend me to read? What do you think of racism? Have you ever experienced any form of racism? Let me know lovelies.

I’m always here for you. My blog is free from judgement. My blog is pro black people, pro mentally ill or any other illness, pro choice and anything. I will always fight for justice in the world. I’m a feminist, mental health warrior and will always speak up about any injustice in the world. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Today it’s my 27th birthday! πŸ˜πŸŽ‚πŸŽ‰πŸŽβœ¨πŸŽˆ Forever a gemini child β™Š and hippie girl yeahhh! βœŒ

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!! πŸ˜πŸŽ‰ OMG 27 YEARS YOUNG. I feel old lol πŸ˜‚. I have sometimes pain in my body like period cramps, back pain, feeling nauseous, teeth problems, suffering from anxiety but lol I still lived 27 years so I guess it’s okay. I feel like a grand mother πŸ‘΄ sometimes. This blog post will be about my birthday and some things I learned these years. It’s a kinda strange birthday because of this pandemic and lockdown but it’s also special. It’s the first birthday in 4 years that I’m again in The Netherlands celebrating it and not in Spain. My good friend is sleeping here. My brother, his wife, my bestie and her girlfriend are coming today but of course with distance. Better, than nothing. I miss face to face connection so much. I missed seeing them so much 😭.

I sometimes feel a bit depressed, anxious and emotional with my birthday because of society’s expectations. In 3 years I’m 30 years old but I still feel like a ”baby” in the world. I don’t have a job yet, no hushband, no baby, no driving license, no car or don’t own a home. Does that make me unsuccesful? Does that make me not worth it in this society? I just hate that society create those rules. It only makes me feel depressed and create more anxiety. I am where I am in live and it’s all okay. I’m realizing now more and more that who I’m is more important than what I do.

If there is one thing I’m realizing now during this pandemic and just this year in general is that I have to choose for myself. I have spent so much years of my life doing what other people expected of me. I have spent so much time in doing things I don’t like or being with the wrong people. It only drained me and made me feel bad about myself. I have wasted too much time in toxic relationships. It wasn’t worth it. I realized afterwards that all these people and boys had one thing in common: they didn’t deserve my love. I give so much to people and didn’t get that same amount of love back. They weren’t worth my time. If only I knew then what I know now I would not have done certain things or wasted my time on the wrong people. I failed, I learned and I grew from these mistakes. I will try to not repeat them in the future.

I have always hide myself and I still do that at times and I’m done with it. I hide myself because of being bullied 😒. Not many bullies seem to know what the consequences are of bullying. It’s really the worst for your mental health. I still suffer sometimes when someone is laughing or talking a bit loud. Then instantly I think it’s about me but of course it isn’t true. Anxiety is also being caused of being bullied. I’m done with hiding myself for who I’m. I’m happy that I’m being myself know more and more online and also in real life. I have the best friends in real life, online and family in the world πŸ˜πŸ’•.

I want to be completely myself in everything I do and in everything I am in life. I have always been afraid of growing older because of being afraid of death. I also talked about that topic in this blog post. Now, I’m realizing that growing older is also a privilege. Not everyone can grow older because of sickness. I have also been afraid of aging because I always thought I have to be a certain way in life. I can’t like or do the things I like now in a few years. Well, that’s a misconception. I will forever be the hippie girl ✌, mermaid and wild child I’m πŸ˜‚. I will not change for anyone. I WILL BE MY CRAZY SELF. I will keep reading young adult books πŸ“š, blogging, penpalling, surfing πŸ„, travelling the world, singing 🎢, loving the sea 🌊, listening to my favourite artists such as Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Julia Michaels, Sofia Ellar, Duncan Laurence, Aitana, Amaia, Alfred and keep having fun with my friends. I will keep being myself which means being romantic and sensitive. I’m a highly sensitive person and feel every emotion and also suffer more. I can’t take that away from me because otherwise I wouldn’t be me. Growing older doesn’t mean I have to change about what I like or not. I just grow wiser.

This year I faced one of my biggest fears which was going to the dentist to get one of my wisdom teeth pulled out. I’m SO proud of myself for doing this!!! πŸ’ͺ It’s a big achievement for me. I spent years in anxiety and I still know I have to get three out. The first step is there. It went all so great because of the lovely dentist and his team. He knew exactly how to support me and take care of me while I had so much anxiety. You can read it here. Sometimes I feel some problems in my teeth because I still have to get rid of three. I prefer to do it in Spain but we postponed our trip because of the pandemic. Maybe we can go in the Summer if it won’t be dangerous for any of us. I’m just really happy to have faced this fear. I hope with the next visits I will feel less anxiety. I know anxiety will be there always but hopefully a bit less now I know how things go. That’s also the reason I prefer to go in Spain because I know the dentist. I find it hard to trust again in someone new. It’s nice to go to some familiar places.

This year I also have had some amazing good times with my friends and family πŸ˜πŸ’ƒ. My last birthday was amazing because my friend from Granada came to visit me for the first time in Valladolid. Me and my Spanish friends ate all together in a creperie. We had such a great time together. I also enjoyed my time with my Dutch friends in Haarlem in November. I came back from having a hard time in Spain and being so anxious about having to go to the dentist and just life. It was nice to be able to enjoy some time all together eating delicous tapas in La Cubanita. In January I ate there again with my good friend. I also had a nice time with my family eating all together and celebrating birthdays. I really miss that but I know that time will come again.

I also travelled to beautiful places this year which were my second home Valladolid in Spain ✈πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡Έ. I’m so blessed to have that in my life. I love my Spanish friends and family so much. It’s home. I even feel more at home there than in The Netherlands where I have been born. Home is also where your favourite people are. I love both countries so much but Spain always more haha. In July I travelled again for the 4th time to Granada, one of my favourite cities in Spain. I have a good friend living there. My mother and I went to his appartment at the beach and also enjoyed the city itself. We always have an amazing time and I really can’t wait to go back!!!! 😍🌊 It’s a tradition to go each Summer but we don’t know if that will be possible this year. I also travelled to GijΓ³n which is in Asturias for the first time in August with one of my best friends in Spain. We had such a great time. We enjoyed the beach, had great fiestas haha, eat delicious tapas, went shopping and had such a great girl time.

It was years ago since I went with a friend again on a holiday. I really missed it and I can’t wait to do it again. I still remember that night we met some cool guys which invited us for drinks without anything in return. No bad boys for once yeahhh. They were partying with us the whole night. It was so much fun. One of their friends was about to marry. I just can’t wait to travel again to new places in Spain and wherever in the world because travelling makes me so happy and most importantly, it makes me feel ALIVE!!!! You make new friends, have fun, learn about different cultures and learn more about life and this world we live in 🌍.

Right now, I just submitted a story for a contest which is called ”A sea of words” just like my blog like what the hell?! The European Institute of the Mediterranean tagged me on a post in Instagram. Otherwise I would never have found it. My instagram for my blog is also called that way. It’s a contest which is every year and the topics can be about gender equality, climate change, environment or just anything related to make this world a better place. This year it was about young people faced with climate change in the Mediterranean and the 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development. First I wrote an essay but it wasn’t what they ask for so I had to change it into a story which was a bit more difficult. The story I wrote is about me being in the sea with my boat and then suddenly being stuck surrounded by plastic bottles. Then a man comes to help me and talks about how important it is to take action. I have always had that inner voice inside of me who says to take action and give some ideas. I already won an essay contest in 2015 and spoke at the United Nations in New York City πŸ—½ so I thought why not try again even though my inner critic is loud sometimes. The jury is now reviewing the stories. The 10 best winners will go to Barcelona at the end of September for free and will have a creative writing course and dicuss their ideas. It’s really so amazing. I will keep you informed if I win and if it’s even possible to travel.

A few days ago I also submitted my two poems πŸ“„ about vulnerability and strength for the organization MIND in The Netherlands. This organization helps people with mental health illnesses. My poems are about the sea and about being bullied and how that made me stronger and about accepting myself for the way I’m. The winner will be chosen online from the best 5 and the winner gets a poetry award. The 5 winners can speak their poem in an event. All these things make me super anxious and are so outside my comfortzone but I have to do it because I love writing and I know that I’m good at it. I have to stop bullying myself that I’m not good or smart enough. I will keep my fingers crossed βœŒπŸ™.

With all of these things I do and did in the past, I’m just being myself and embracing the person who I’m which loves to write, do yoga, sing, surf, travel the world, read and help other people and hopefully making this world a better place. I love La Pachamama!!! 🌍😍 Thank you all so much for forming part of my life. Thank you all for being there for me in good and bad times. I love you all so much. I wish you all peace, love & happiness! Forever young, wild and free! ✌️ We are all childs of the universe. This life is a gift ✨ Let’s hope this new year of life will be amazing too!

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I’m so happy to have you all in my life. Do you also join writing contests? Do you think 27 years is old? Do you think society creates rules for us? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Stop making a taboo about having periods

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I just had to write this blog post because I feel bad these days because of my upcoming period. I find it important to raise awareness about having our periods. I’m going to talk about period pain and periods in general. I already talked about it one day. I don’t understand why we don’t talk more about it and why it’s still considered a taboo when it’s something natural. I think we have to talk more about it so that women don’t feel alone while suffering each month from heavy pain, blood, mood swings and everything which comes with having our periods. Men often say that women get crazy when their period is coming well we aren’t crazy, our hormones are making us feel that way. It’s not something we choose for. I find it always so disgusting when people say that we like to be completely mad. If they would suffer from it, they wouldn’t say that because then they would know how it feels. You never know what’s someone is going through until you feel those feelings and those experiences by yourself.

So, Saturday night I experienced so much pain that I thought OMG I will die. I was sitting on the floor covering my tummy. My body was IN SO MUCH PAIN. I cried so much. I know almost certain that it has to do with my period coming and pms. It isn’t normal though. I have always had painful and heavy periods. I know I’m not the only woman suffering through this 😭. It’s so hard. The strange thing is that I never felt it that way and I still don’t have my period. I think it’s pms because for the rest I’m not sick or anything. I also feel angry and emotional. I also feel way more anxious before my period. I also have read that it’s because of our hormones. They make us feel like crazy. I always have mood swings before period and I’m so hungry. I just ate a pizza πŸ• last night haha. I craved it so badly πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‹.

There’s still a taboo talking about it. I know some men don’t like to hear it and find it gross. I remember one time I was on my period during high school and I always bleed so much. I knew my jeans were a bit red 😭. I wanted to go to the toilet but they didn’t let me. I didn’t say I had my period. I found it so uncomfortable. I also have heard of men who are super supportive and that makes me so happy. The friends I have in my life who are men are very supportive and care about me. That’s the direction we have to go. Well, it’s the most natural thing ever of being a women which has to be respected. Maybe if women had more information and resources, pain and other issues surrounding our moon would be more manageable. We can’t fix a problem when we can’t talk about it. Talking about it helps to raise awareness and will make us come to a solution all together. I also agree that women have to get more benefits surrounding their periods like free days at work and that pads, tampons and every other product for our periods doesn’t cost anything anymore. We don’t ask for it. Condoms are often given for free but we have to buy these products which also cost so much money. It is definitely not fair at all.

Years ago, women had their period always in sync with the full moon 🌜. That’s why they also call it our moon. It goes in sync with how we feel too. Before our period we may feel more emotional, heavy, sad, angry or just feel that something is off. That means the end of something. When our period begins we begin a new life, a new cycle. Maybe my period is coming on the full moon this Thursday. When I read this somewhere on the internet I felt in awe 🌝. The full moon has definitely an effect on us. I sleep worse the night before and feel more emotional. It’s so beautiful to think we can bring a life into this world. We women are magical creatures of the universe βœ¨πŸ’ž and have to embrace this with our whole heart. The thought of one day getting a baby is beautiful but at the same time it overwhelms me. I don’t know how to take sometimes good care of myself. How would I be able to take care of a child? Also, I’m afraid of getting pregnant and giving birth. I already feel so bad with having my period every month. How would I survive giving birth? I don’t think I’m the only thinking this. I also find it good that women don’t have to have children because it’s their choice like to do abortion too. Every women has the right to decide what to do with their bodies.

I think I will have to check this problem soon because what I felt last weekend was the worst 😒. I’m always anxious about going to the doctor so I don’t go only when I really have to. It gets worse every month. I hope I don’t have anything serious or like endometriose. I know many of my friends also suffer this way and some women don’t feel much. They are definitely the lucky ones. I wish my life was pain free, oh how a different world would that be. Sometimes I wouldn’t be able to walk because of so much cramps. I’m happy I have Aleve meds which is Naproxen and helps very well. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to cope at all. I just don’t know if I would like to take birth control because I also read some bad stories with side effects. I don’t know if that would be good for my mental health. I just don’t really know what is good or bad for my body.

I just really think we have to talk more about our periods without any shame. It’s 2020 and it’s about time to stop hiding our feelings or thoughts on important topics such as this one in the world. Only then we can come to a solution and feel less alone in our struggles. I’m so happy my mamita is always there to comfort me. Also, my daddy understands me because he sees me suffering every damn month 😒. I wish everyone has a person that is there for them. No one has to deal with hard stuff in life alone. No women has to go through this alone every time of the month. I hope you have friends, family and other loved ones who are there for you when you feel bad during that time of the month. You deserve that love and compassion so much. Your feelings are valid. You are not alone πŸ’žπŸŒˆπŸ™. You are loved. I love you all.

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. I found it important to talk about this subject. How are your periods? Do you take meds or birth control? What are some tips to ease the pain? I’m always here for you. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Just be yourself poem πŸŒΈ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I would like to share a poem I made a few days ago about being myself and I also shared it online. It’s been a long time since I shared a poem on here. I love to express myself with writing. I will show a picture of me with this poem I made. I had a nice photoshoot one day in Spain. This picture is already 6 years old haha but sssht 🀫 I still look the same πŸ˜‚πŸ€­.

Picture of myself in Spain

I am sensitive.

I am caring.

I am beautiful.

I am creative.

I am inspiring.

I am strong.

I am lovable.

I am enough.

I am loved.

I am empathetic.

I am vulnerable.

I am honest.

I am open-minded.

I am intelligent.

I am sweet.

I am romantic.

I can be all of them.

I don’t have to choose between one of them.

Being human means being all of those things.

That’s the power of being human.

To be who you want to be without having to choose.

Being ourselves and loving ourselves unconditionally.

We are all human and matter.

Be yourself and love yourself.

Just be you.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope this poem inspired you to be just yourself with all your qualities and flaws. You are beautiful just the way you are πŸ’–. What do you think of my poem? What makes you you? Do you think it’s difficult to be yourself in our society? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I’m so done people making choices for me

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I prepared another blog post but I think it has to wait. I really need to share my feelings and thoughts and I can only do it here in my safe space πŸ™. I’m in Spain right now and again I feel so bad. It feels like every time I’m in Spain now I get a mental breakdown 😒. It’s horrible because it’s my fav place ever and I’m always so happy to be here. It’s heartbreaking that I’m again so sad, so anxious and so angry. I don’t want to feel bad in Spain again. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. It’s about people making choices for me. I’m sorry if this post is depressing but it’s just how I’m feeling. It’s also always when I feel the worst that I can speak the truth out loud in an authentic and vulnerable way. Maybe it will help others too who are feeling the same way. At the end, we all feel the same things just at different times. The picture below is me crying so hard. I just want to be really honest about that. Maybe it’s a cry of help but it just feels good to share on here.

The flight went well except that we had to walk so much because our luggage was in a different terminal. I’m exhausted from the trip to be honest. We ate some delicious pasta from the airplane, a bread with jamΓ³n serrano and I ate some delicious πŸ˜‹ yoghurt ice cream with smarties. We took the train to our home from Madrid. The bad stuff began when we talked with my family in The Netherlands.

I had an appointment for going to the dentist a few days ago in the afternoon and my mother in the morning for control. My family didn’t forget that and my mother said I wasn’t going that day but another day. I’m really exhausted. Then my family said well if you don’t go and come back to Holland then I will make an appointment to go there in the hospital. In Holland you can’t just go to a clinic or private thing because they aren’t specialized with getting wisdom teeth out. It cost more and you have to go to the hospital πŸ₯. The hospital makes me even more scared.

I said okay and we hang up. It was then when I felt so angry, anxious and sad. I can still feel my heart beating so fast πŸ˜’πŸ˜” I told my mother the most horrible things like I want to be dead. I wanted to run away and never come back. I slammed the doors so hard. Thank God nothing broke. I still feel bad. It’s not only the dentist thing which triggers me. It’s always people making decisions and choices for me in my life. Saying when I have to go to the dentist. Having to do things I don’t want to. I often do it because I’m a people pleaser. It’s not good. I’m so done with it. I’m always anxious of people being angry at me.

I don’t have the energy anymore. I really don’t. Yes of course I know I have to go to the dentist but just when I feel ready for it which is of course never because it’s a real phobia. I’m waiting for an infection silly me…. 😒. I know our family wants the best for us but not in a good way sometimes. You can’t just force someone. I just would like to feel that sense of having some control over my life. Now I feel that others control my life. I feel obligated to go. It isn’t healthy for me that lack of control over my own life. It’s draining me.

Also clearly some people doesn’t understand my anxiety or any other mental illnesses. It’s so hard to feel so many feelings when someone just don’t understand you. I now I have to calm down but I feel like I don’t want to speak to anyone anymore. I don’t want to see anyone. How can I live my own life when I still feel others have so much influence on me? A few years ago I went to a mental health worker for anxiety and she told me that some people have too much influence on me. I really do love them all but I think she’s right because I just feel like I can’t make my own decisions which at the end makes me so unhappy and anxious in life. It’s important to be able to make your own decisions and live life the way you want.

I know I really have to go to the dentist but it’s just a big phobia I have. I don’t know how to overcome it. At the end all worries are in our mind and it’s nothing like I expect it. Then some people will say you see, you were afraid of nothing. Well, yes but that’s because I suffer from anxiety. That’s also the reason I don’t know if therapy would work for me because my family isn’t in favor of that. I also don’t know if that would benefit me. I just know that after 26 years living on this earth 🌎 it’s time for me to make decisions on my own.

Maybe, I also overreact now much more because I’m so exhausted and didn’t sleep well and enough last night. I also feel so lonely lately. I feel like some friends don’t understand me as well and ignore me. I get angry so easily. I’m not doing okay again and it hurts. I don’t want to see people who don’t care about me. I feel also like I’m hurting my mom which is the one I love the most in this life. It breaks my heart to see her suffering because of me πŸ’”πŸ˜’. I don’t want to die of course but I also don’t want to feel like this and live life this way because it hurts me.

Thank you for reading this post. I hope it made any sense. Sorry for the rant. I don’t even know why I’m always apologizing for feeling my feelings. I’m here for you all too ❀️ What do you think of all of this? Any advice? Do you also feel like others decide decisions for you in your life? I would really appreciate any thoughts, messages or advice πŸ’–πŸ™.

Love you all so much πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina

Struggling so much with my mental health πŸ˜’

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I’m always honest and 100% vulnerable about my journey of mental health especially on my blog like I said in this blog post. In real life it’s much more difficult to be open about it because I still feel not everyone understands it. There is still a taboo surrounding mental health. People are getting more open but it will still take a lot of time for people to understand that we can get physically but also mentally ill and that there’s no shame to admit that we are struggling. It takes a lot of courage to be open so that’s what I’m going to do right now in this post. I will tell you how I’m feeling because letting these words out make me at least feel less alone. Even writing all of this takes me too much effort 😒.

So, to be honest I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel so hopeless. I’m not okay. I can’t see any point of living anymore in life. I feel like I’m getting depressed. I’m not in danger because I know I never would do something to harm me. I’m just exhausted to go through life while feeling anxious for everything I have to face all the time. I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. I know maybe asking for help would help. I just don’t know if therapy would really help me because I keep thinking of the time I had some form of therapy, 7 sessions and had to vomit every time and my anxiety even got worse…. I still have anti anxiety medication at home from when I got it subscribed by the doctor in Spain. My mother uses diazepam which she also sometimes can give me when I feel really bad. I know the medication benzodiazepines can be addictive but when you use it whenever you need it I guess it’s okay. I mean why are people always saying those bad and negative stuff about using medication for a mental illness when there are people taking medication for their physical health every day? There has to be no difference in this.

I know I’m doing bad because I don’t leave the house often. I can’t sleep good at night and my routine is a mess. I get anxious outside sometimes seeing so much people. Last week I went to a shopping mall and I got anxious in the bus twice. It felt like I couldn’t breath. I was happy to go outside the bus and walk home with my mother. I’m just always so afraid to get a panic attack because it’s the worst. I don’t want to go through that again. The thing is that the more I worry about that, the more it will likely to happen I think. I’m just so anxious about going to the dentist. I think that’s also now the underlying reason of all my anxiety. I keep postponing it when I have an appointment next month in Spain. I’m the most afraid to loose control and to experience a panic attack. I’m so done with experiencing the waves of anxiety. I’m still struggling with finding a job too as I don’t know how to face people and get only rejections. I just want to hide in my bed under a blanket forever. Unfortunately, I know that can’t happen but I still do it most of the time.

I really don’t know what to do to move forward in my life. I lost my hope and will to live. I’m not in crisis and I know I won’t do anything to harm myself. I just don’t know how to come out of this black hole I’m in. Anxiety keeps me from doing the things I love which means following my dreams. My whole existence cause me anxiety. Sometimes I experience anxiety for no reason. I could sit on a chair watching tv and feel that knot in my stomach and that sense of fear. It’s so hard to live your life that way. People sometimes ask me what gives me anxiety and the answer to that question is everything, this life. Sometimes I think anxiety is part of me but I have to know that I have it and that it’s not part of my personality but sometimes it feels that way.

Last night I experienced one of the worst moments of suffering from anxiety. I felt nauseous and was afraid to throw up. That always cause me even more anxiety because I keep thinking no don’t throw up. I had cold and hot flashes. I felt so bad, so bad. I deactivated FB again as social media only give me more anxiety right now and can’t deal with it. I wrote a message on FB of how I was doing and got some nice caring comments from people I care about but my heart was beating so fast then because I’m afraid to open up to people who know me. Here on this blog it’s different. At the end, I slept in my mother’s bed because there I feel more safe with her. I also took valium 4mg which she also takes. It helpt me feeling more calm and be able to sleep. I could finally sleep 11 hours. I just don’t know how to travel back to Holland in a few days in this state. I’m so afraid to get a panic attack or feel this way because it feels like I’m dying. Of course, I know it isn’t true but it’s just the worst thought. My mother already said how powerful our minds are. It’s so scary to be honest 😒. I wish to buy new funcional brains. If someone knows where to buy them, I will buy them in a quick second even if they have to come from Ebay China lol πŸ˜‚

I’m also a highly sensitive person who suffer from anxiety. It gets harder because I’m already so sensitive for everything. I suffer and cry more but I also love more. I can cry about everything. I get hurt easily when someone says a mean comment. I overthink a lot. I also empathize much more to other people, care about others and love deeper. I’m compassionate and creative. There are a lot of good things I also am but right now I focus too much on the negative things like I can’t do anything right in life.

Yesterday I listened to a podcast of Yoga Girl which was very inspiring and interesting. It was about how this world always value a person when we produce something. If you are working and producing to society you are worthy of love. It feels like we have to be worthy and to be seen when we are succeeding. There is so much wrong in that. I really do wish I could live a life I’m happy of and work in a job which I love but honestly right now I can’t because I’m sick. Capitalism is just so bad. We have to know that we are always worthy of love and that we aren’t alone. We are not what we produce. What matters is not what I do but who I’m. Those words of Yoga Girl sticked in my head and it relates well to this blog post. We are so much more than our jobs, the things we do in life. We are a person with feelings. We are human and we deserve all the love. We are not less than someone else just because we aren’t studying/working because we are physically, mentally or chronically ill. It’s not our fault.

I really wish to get better one day as it’s so exhausting to go through life while feeling anxious all the time. Recovery isn’t lineal and takes a lot of time. I just really don’t like to feel nauseous, dizzy, feeling like I can’t breath or feeling like I have no control over my body and mind. I also believe from what I said earlier that it’s okay to take a break from life. It’s okay to not study/work when you are ill. You deserve to take a rest. Nowadays it seems like being busy is the most important thing in life because of capitalism. It’s all about buying and doing when we just forget to live, to be still and present with our feelings and thoughts.

Always remember, we aren’t alone. We are all in this together. No matter how though life gets we will get through the other end. We will see the light after all the darkness. One step at a time.

Thank you all for reading this honest post about how I’m doing right now 😒. It took me a lot of courage to write this post. What would you advice me to do? What do you do in hard times? How are you feeling right now? I’m always here for you all. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina