I faced my anxiety again and got my second wisdom tooth extraction! πŸ’ͺπŸ¦·πŸ‘Š

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

On the 24th of August I faced my dentist anxiety again. By then I still had to get rid of three wisdom teeth. Now only two 🦷🦷 lol it sounds less which makes me feel a bit more calm and happier. Yeahhhh I say byebye again to one wisdom tooth! πŸ˜‚. In this blog post I will tell you about my experience. I always love to talk about the things I fear on my blog and also related to anxiety because I know I’m not the only one facing these fears. It makes me feel less alone and writing release some anxiety which always good. Writing means healing and letting go.

So, the night before I was SO anxious again 😭. People say that the more you do something, the less scared you are. It ain’t no true when you suffer from a mental illness like anxiety. I still feel anxious even if I do something a million times like flying or going to the dentist. My heart was beating fast the night before and the day itself which was Monday. My appointment was late in the afternoon. I felt nauseous too. I always don’t eat much when I do something which scares me because otherwise I have to tendency to vomit because of anxiety. It always makes me feel ashamed to admit that but it doesn’t matter because everyone has something. There’s no person in this world who is never anxious. I just feel it a million times more which makes it so hard. The last time I went for a wisdom tooth extraction was in January. This time I could except more what would happen which maybe made me feel a bit more grounded. I also went swimming a lot the days before and did some meditation but I still felt so anxious.

I deciced together with my dentist that the best thing is to do it one by one. People said to me why don’t you just get rid of the four in one time. That treatment would be longer, I would have more pain and even more anxiety. Here in Spain they do it one by one, much better. Besides, I have to do what makes me feel good and not what other people except me to do. As I suffer from anxiety, I prefer to do things in parts. If you are anxious about something like going to the dentist or studying for an exam, a good way to release some anxiety is to break that daunting task into little parts. This way your brain will take it better. For me it works. I get really overwhelmed when I have to do something scary all at once.

The thing which makes me keep going to the dentist even though I’m scared is trust. I trust this dentist and his team. I trust them with all my heart πŸ’–πŸ™. I’m always afraid of people hurting me because of being bullied in the past. It makes me trust people less. Here I feel safe and respected. If I’m anxious, so be it. If I cry then that’s okay too. Trusting in people whether those are professionals, your friends or family is so important. We all need this in life. It gives us a sense of safety. I had to wait at the dental clinic with my mother for more than a half hour because there were more people. I drank some water and prefered to wait there then go outside. I was the last one because they close at 8.30/9.00 PM. Fernando (the dentist) came and I was like bybye I will go run away 🀣. He found that funny. I love it how you can call them their first names and they do the same with me. It makes it all less scary and more familiar.

So, I lay down and said how I would prefer to be on a beach right now. He laughed. I really find it funny how dentists talk with their patients while they are doing stuff in their mouth it’s like halooooo how can I talk normally?! I know they do it to ease the tension and be less anxious. Just when he was putting the local anesthesia in my mouth he asked me if I was working or studying. I said no. I said that I spent my time crying and having anxiety in life. It’s not totally true but I said that I’m also writing for some poetry competitions. Unfortunately I didn’t win any of them. Then he said oh you can have a blog. I said that I have one. I said: “I wrote about you haha”. Fernando: “I hope it was something positive.” I said: “No haha πŸ˜‚.” He looked at me like big eyes πŸ‘€. I was like no of course something positive! πŸ’ž He was happy to hear that. End well haha. It’s so nice to talk to him because it feels like I’m talking to a friend instead of a doctor.

This time I felt the needle πŸ’‰ of the local anesthesia even less. I got again the squeeze shark haha 🦈. I have it in my hands and can squeeze it. It helps for people who are anxious. Fidget toys help too. Fernando is even specialised in people who have anxiety because he definitely makes me feel so at peace. He said breath in slowly, breath out slowly and it worked. Then my mouth was numb and he could take my teeth out. It took a bit more time to get this teeth out but eventually it went well. All the time he asked if I had pain and I said no. I just felt some pressure. Then I heard click and that moment was the one he took my teeth out. There wasn’t even much blood. This time I saved the teeth. It’s now at home haha I will keep it for the tooth fairy lol. I wish I were that young again. I don’t know what he does but he is amazing. Best dentist evah. I really love them so much 😍😭.

He prescribed me again antibiotics, probiotics and ibuprofen for the pain. We had a lovely chat afterwards. He said that maybe I could have low blood pressure if sometimes I’m dizzy and anxious. He wanted to go to Mallorca but this year he won’t go on holidays because of the pandemic. I told him he is very tan haha. He is just really handsome. We got a free toothpasta. He said he don’t watch so much news which is much better. Then he told us a horrible story. Fernando said a man from 82 years old died by suicide this year because he was done with reading only negative news πŸ˜”πŸ˜’. It really hit him because he was a patient of him. It happened in front of the dental clinic. It’s really horrible to know that so many people are suffering now from mental health illnesses and nobody is doing saying anything about it. This pandemic is hitting us all hard economically, health wise too and mentally. I stopped reading and watching the news these last months because I couldn’t cope with it too. I get into a negative and anxious spiral which is difficult to get out of. I just want to know some stuff regarding travelling because we are always between Spain and The Netherlands but that’s it. I know me, my mother and my friends follow the safety measures which are washing our hands, wearing a mask and do social distance. I can’t control others so that’s it. It makes me so sad that this man didn’t had any support and felt so low to end his life. My heart is with him.

After this talk Fernando said don’t forget to have the gauze 20 minutes. I said yes but uhhh it was 30 minutes, right?! He said 10 minutes has passed now haha talking. We both laughed lol I really these chats so much. Everything goes so smoothly and so chill. It feels like I’m chilling with a friend. I have felt so much emotions these days. I was feeling low and high on energy. After having so much anxiety I felt relief and I felt again the feeling of letting something go. I may loose all my wisdom teeth but at the end I gain wisdom from this experience. I felt also very tired these days, maybe it’s because of the meds. The first night I couldn’t sleep on the side I always sleep so it frustated me. I had pain for a few days and now I feel almost like normal again. I ate solid food, some soft bread, gazpacho which is a delicious cold Spanish soup, tortilla de patata, pasta and veggie pures. It was all so delicious. I miss pizza πŸ•πŸ˜‹ though haha.

On Wednesday I went again for a check up at the dentist I had this white dress on and make up. I love to look good for myself. Then I was sitting on the chair and he said that I looked very good (EstΓ‘s muy guapa). And then without thinking I said haha for you πŸ˜‚. This is me being direct always 🀭. Fernando found it funny lol. He also said that the lower wisdom teeth removal will hurt a bit more but nothing like a brave woman like me won’t be able to tolerate. I felt completely flattered. If more men would be like him, this world would definitely be a better place. Of course, I love to look well for me. I will never ever again change myself for anyone. In the past I’ve done that which means wearing high heels for my ex but I really hated it. He said it made me have more self confidence. Wrong!!!! I did that for him. He said all girls wear high heels. I let the wild woman roar 🐺, the more authentic and honest I’m with myself. Not everyone likes that but that doesn’t matter. This is me. I’m my beautiful self which is the best way I can be. I’m a wild woman, watch me rise up πŸ”₯

The thing is that sometimes I feel like I’m in love with this dentist 😍πŸ₯°. Maybe it’s just me being cray cray haha. I think this feeling is normal when doctors take such good care of you, respect you and know how to care about your mental health too. I come from a traumatic experience in The Netherlands where a dentist said I’m childish and 15 years old. Now, I have a totally different experience which makes me feel in awe with the world. There are so many good people out there who wants best for you. Someone who gets me when I’m anxious deserves it all. I really need it. I don’t know if these feelings are mutual lol in love what?! I guess he just knows how to be there for me and make me feel less anxious. I hope that the next two times I have to go will go also well even though I still will be anxious. That will not change because I’m an anxious person but of course it’s not part of my personality. It will never be. I’m a loving, sensitive and caring person who suffers from anxiety. That’s the difference. We are all in this together. We are never alone in our struggles. I’m always here for you all πŸ™.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you liked it. Did you also had to have a wisdom teeth extraction? Was it painful? What do you think of the things my dentist said to me? Is it love haha? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina

I see humans but no humanity πŸ’”πŸ˜’

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I wanted to write a more happier post but I always want to be honest on my blog so I won’t do that. I’m always vulnerable and real on my blog. I always write straight from my heart. Writing straight from my heart also gives me the most inspiration. I don’t like to plan blog posts. It has to flow like life too. These days I don’t feel okay so I will write about my feelings and thoughts. I hope you are all okay and safe. I’m here for you too. This blog post will be about my health, how I feel and about humanity. It feels good to write it all down and have a more sense of peace in my mind.

I was very happy the first days I arrived in Spain. I have been eating delicious tapas, ice creams 🍦🍨🍧, milkshakes, enjoyed the sunshine 🌞 and went swimming a lot πŸŠβ€β™€οΈ. The last days I have felt low and kinda depressed. I also had my period so I’m always more sensitive to everything during that time of the month. Besides, I’m really tired and my throat hurts a lot when I swallow, drink or eat something. It feels like it’s swollen too. If anyone knows me well, you know how anxious I’m about dentists or doctors so I will wait a few more days. The bad thing is that nowadays many people think easily oh no it’s Corona when you can have something else. I don’t have fever or anything. I just hope that it will go away soon. I really want to feel better again.

I also am beginning to feel anxious again to have to go to the dentist in two weeks. I still have to get rid of three wisdom teeth but it’s really draining me. I’m so done with it. It makes me so anxious 😒🦷. The dentist and his team are very lovely but it’s still no fun. Again feeling numb, then not eating a few days and taking meds for pain. It was worse than I imagined but still not fun. The anxiety I feel is always worse than the thing itself. Anxiety is a monster and I would love to be able to tame it one day. I will use valium to calm myself down. I’m so grateful for my mother who is always there for me to hold my hand and be at my side. I couldn’t do anything scary without her help. I really would be so lost. I love her so much. She is the kindest and most loveliest person ever.

I’m a highly sensitive person which means that I feel every emotion more. I feel others suffering more and also love more. It’s a gift but can also be a curse sometimes. I feel others pain deeply. Some of my friends are dealing with emotional stuff. I feel them. I feel people suffering from the pandemic. It hurts me so much to see so much pain in the world. I have been feeling very emotional and sad too these days. I can’t deal with people doing bad things to good people. It breaks my heart πŸ’”. Why is there so much hate in this world? Why can’t people just be nice and kind to each other or is that too much to ask for? I really would love to have some answers on that but I don’t have. I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. It’s so unfair.

I have felt this way too because of the harrasment which yoga_girl is receiving just because she said that’s better not to travel now to Aruba from a country with a high risk of the virus. Aruba suffers from an economic crisis because it depends on tourism. I can understand that but the health and safety of the citizens are more important. I think that’s obvious. I just can’t understand how people find it okay to treathening other people lives. It’s so scary. Rachel and her family have received hate and what’s worse than that is threats. They even stalked their house. I’m happy they are safe now. It would be a shame if they have to move because of some locals being aggressive to them. I’m so happy to be part of the yoga community and will forever be βœ¨πŸ™πŸ’–. We are all here for you guys. Rachel, you are such a light in this world and have healed so many hearts including mine. I’m still healing though. I can’t thank you enough. Be safe. I love you so much.

I have also noticed that I feel more like myself these days. The more I feel, the more I feel like myself because this is who I’m. I get anxious, I get depressed, I feel low but I also can be happy and feel gratitude in my heart. I feel it all. Even though sometimes I find it really hard to live in this world because there are so many scary things and bad people out there too. I’m grateful for the good people I have in my life. I’m so happy to have this beautiful blogging community too who’s always there for me too. I can’t wait to meet you all one day and thank you. You are always there for me when I’m sad and celebrate my happy days. We will always stick together forever.

I wish there would be more people like you all in this world πŸ’žπŸ™. Sometimes I definitely feel like there are so many bad people and things out there. I get scared and anxious and feel such a heavy feeling on my shoulders. I wish for peace, respect and compassion and being one with the world. What the world needs right now is union and not more separation 🌍. There’s already too much of that and it didn’t bring anything good.

May we all find the light and love in our own hearts and spread it to the world ✨. This world needs healing, so much love, compassion and kindness. It will never be enough. What this world needs right now is a group hug which would be now in distance with the pandemic but you all understand what I mean. More love, less hate. More compassion, less cold-hearted people.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you can understand and respect my feelings. How are you feeling lately? Are you also anxious of going to the doctor or dentist? What do you think of humanity? Do you also find it unfair that bad things happen to good people? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post. Be safe you all and remember we are never alone in our struggles. Like I always say, we are always in this together πŸ’ͺπŸ’–.

I love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

April favourites πŸ’•πŸŒž

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I have been sad for a few days and cried a lot because of the death of 5 surfers which I wrote in this blog post. When that sadness past I was griefing about a good friend of my mother who died a few days ago in Spain 😒. He had cancer. We knew it because of people posting sad posts on his Facebook and he didn’t answer anymore on Whatsapp. I felt so sad too and cried much because he was always so nice to us. I’m happy we can still have contact with his sister. He felt like a father for me and understood my anxiety and was always so supportive for me. Just writing this I cry again. I have enough of grief and crying really. I just hate death and I know it’s part of life but it’s the most horrible feeling ever. Life is just unfair because good and honest people always die earlier than the other ones. On a happy note, let’s move on to this blog post. I did some nice stuff in April. Who says being in lockdown has to be boring?! I will share the 30 days of space challenge I did by Yoga Girl πŸ™, the new leggings I bought and beautiful sunny days in the park.

Things I did with my lovely family πŸ‘ͺ:

First ice cream of the year 🍦

I love ice cream so much 😍🍧. I ate my first ice cream of the year with my mother. We went to IJsboertje which is just 5 min. away from our house. We had to take it with us and eat it somewhere else. We ate in the park. My flavours were white chocolate and vanilla and my mother had lemon ice cream. It was all so delicious. I can’t wait to go back!

My Spanish niece got a baby πŸ‘Ά

My Spanish niece got her first baby boy and I’m so happy for her!!! I can’t share a picture unfortunately because of privacy but he looked so cute. They live in Basque country. I can’t wait to be able to go again to Spain to visit them with my parents. My niece is 43 years old and it just reminds me that it’s never too late to have a baby at that age or be married or whatever. Society always creates those rules but we have to decide or own rules in life. We only have one life so let’s live it the way we want and not what society ask us to do.

Sunny days in the park & in the garden 🌞✌

We have had a beautiful April month of many days of sunshine and 20 degrees. I love to enjoy my time in the garden with my mother. I also loved to walk in the park and enjoy nature. It’s so nice to live so close near nature 😍. I also love to go to our lake because I always need to be surrounded by water. Water is still and makes me feel calm and peaceful. It’s all I need and I’m so grateful for that. I would literally die right now if I would be in a small flat. In Spain we don’t have a big house or garden so the lockdown would be worse for us. In the garden I read, chill, daydream, listen to music, write, meditate and just enjoy life.

Birthday of my brother and his wife πŸŽ‰πŸŽˆ

It was the birthday of my brother the 18th of April and of his wife at the end of April. We couldn’t celebrate it with the family of course. It made me sad but I know we will soon be reunited again when it’s possible. We wrote some cards for them and my present for them was a canvas with some pictures together. One is from the wedding of them, another one from the park and with the family together. I’m happy they liked it. My mother brought some flowers for them too. I only went one time to their appartment and saw them on a distance. It was nice to be able to talk to them but also strange. Not being able to hug your loved ones is just the most heartbreaking thing ever. I need hugs in life. The world need a group hug which will hopefully come soon again πŸ’–πŸ™.

Netflix subscription 🎬

I joined Netflix just for a few months which is really nice. I love to be able to watch series and movies on Netflix. The only thing I don’t like is that some movies or series are not on Netflix. I also would like to watch Disney movies but I don’t want to also have a subcription on Disney+ because of the money. I really love the movies and series which are only made for Netflix.

Easter time 🐣🐀πŸ₯

We always celebrate it with the whole family but of course this year is different. I’m happy I could celebrate it with my parents. We had a delicious fondue with potatoes. We also ate delicious chocolate eggs and cakes. It was all so delicious. What I loved the most was of course the blackberry juice with fruits and whipped cream πŸ˜πŸ‡. My daddy plucked those years ago and it’s a tradition of his family to make this. I LOVE these kinds of traditions so much. The juice is so delicious and so healthy too. I love my family forevah.

Other amazing things of April πŸ’–:

New leggings from Shein πŸ‘–

I bought some amazing yoga leggings from the website Shein. I really like them and they were not expensive at all. I really needed to have some nice leggings. They are colourful and have flowers πŸ’πŸŒΈ on it so I don’t need more. It fits perfectly. I’m really happy about it! I made some nice pictures in the park with them on.

Pen pal letters πŸ’Œ

I got some beautiful pen pal letters this month. I got some beautiful mail from Chloe who is one of my best friends ever. I love you so much soulsister. She makes beautiful art with a flower theme, a moon theme or anything beautiful for her page on Etsy. You can check it out. She made a beautiful painting of some flowers and sent me a nice letter together with stickers. I also got a cute letter from Rosie from UK. It was full of beautiful notes, glitter stickers with unicorns and hearts, quotes and a beautiful letter. I loved the stickers with the quote ”Friends are special treasures of the heart.” I also loved the card with the quote ”I am at peace with my age.” I agree that every age is beautiful and that society just creates expectations which aren’t real and only create unhappiness and unnecessary stress and anxiety.

I also got a beautiful letter from Agata from Poland. I loved the writing paper so much. I also loved the cute stickers and the card of Warsaw was beautiful. I loved the colours and the flowers on it. I wish to go to Poland once and visit you. I want to meet all of my online friends one day. I know that dream will come true one day and it will be the happiest day of my life. I love you all so much πŸ˜πŸ’• xoxo.

30 days of space challenge by Yoga Girl πŸ™

I did the 30 days of space challenge by Yoga Girl which is my biggest inspiration in life 😍. I never commited to a 30 days of yoga challenge so it was a nice way to enjoy yoga again. I only took some classes in my life and did it at home. Every day we did yoga on the website of Yoga Girl for free. This challenge was made to create space in our hearts, our bodies and our minds as we find ourselves in a time of physical space and distancing. Also, every day there was a theme. We meditated together, felt our feelings and pulled a card every day. One day we had to build our own sacred altar, go outside and enjoy nature or shake our bodies to remove negative energy. It was soooo good. I’m so happy I met amazing new pen pal friends. I love to be spiritual, do yoga, meditate, and there are not much many friends of mine who align with that aswell. It’s nice to have this beautiful Yoga Girl community. I love them so much.

Since that challenge is over I’m still doing yoga every damn day and it helps me so much with being more calm and easing anxiety πŸ™. Anxiety will not go away but yoga and meditation gives you the tool to sit with it and be able to let it go at some point. We have to sit with our feelings to be able to let them go. I also thought yoga was only about handstands and being flexible but it isn’t. I’m not that flexible but I have fun, feel my feelings, cry a lot and I’m happy when I practice. That’s yoga. I can’t wait to go to her retreat in Aruba one day. That’s one of my BIG dreams and is on my bucketlist 🌠✨.

Got a free month subscription for the Yoga Girl website 😍

When I was doing the 30 day challenge some strangers were gifting a free subscription to people. I also got a free month subscription. I felt very grateful and so happy. It’s so nice that people gift things without something in return. I wish more people were like that in real life too. I just don’t have much money for a subscription so it was nice to be able to do yoga for free on the website after the challenge. You also get free live classes with Yoga Girl which are SO amazing and a Yoga E-Book and astrology workbook. If you get the year subscription you get a t-shirt for free. I wish to have that one day.

Lush bath πŸ›

I had a nice bath and used a bath bomb from Lush. It was the intergalatic one. It had such a good smell of peppermint. The blue, pink colours and glitter that came out of it were beyond amazing! This was a beautiful experience where I could just bath in the universe itself 😍✨. It was like bathing in stardust. I 100% recommend this bath bomb for you all. I always listen to some beautiful music too while I’m laying in bath.

Watched To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You, Chicken Run and Isn’t it romantic 🎬

I watched some nice movies in April. I loved the second movie of To All the Boys. I love the actors and just everything. However, I loved the first movie more. In the second movie you knew a bit what would happen. I also watched the movie Chicken Run with my parents. It was a cute movie. The movie was about chickens who were living on a chicken farm and the mean owners wanted to make pie of them so they invented a plan to escape. I also watched Isn’t it romantic with my mother. I love the actress Rebel Wilson which also is known from Pitch Perfect. I love that it wasn’t a cliche love story. It had a great message about loving ourselves and the music was also nice. We don’t need someone to love ourselves because we are already whole.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. What was your favourite thing from my list? What did you do in April? Did you also enjoy some sunshine in the garden or park? Do you do love to do yoga, meditation or be spiritual? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

April book reviews πŸ“šπŸ’–

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I hope you are all doing fine while the world is going crazy 😱. I’m having anxiety some days and now feel not well with cramps, headaches and so tired. I just had my period too. I just hope I’m not getting sick again like in February or that it’s something more scary. I have sometimes anxiety about my health too. It gets overwhelming especially these days πŸ˜”. I just hope everything will be fine one day πŸ™. At least I’m still blogging, reading, writing, grouding myself, doing yoga, meditation and I’m still kinda alive.

I know this blog post is waaaay too late but it doesn’t matter haha πŸ˜‚. I already finished reading some other books but first I want to share some reviews of the books I’ve read last year. In this blog post I will review the books The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon and Moon Theory by R. M. Drake. I had to do these reviews earlier because it’s much easier to write a blog post when you just have read the books and it’s still fresh in your mind. Anyway, I hope you will like this post as I know many of you are also readers. Books are life! πŸ“šβ€οΈ

The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald

Summary:

The Great Gatsby is an important book of the writing career of F. Scott Fitzgerald. It’s considered one of the great classics of the twentieth-century literature. In his book he writes about the Jazz Age. The story is about Jay Gatsby who is very rich and about his new love called Daisy. Gatsby is famous for his big parties πŸŽ‰ where he invites a lot of people on Long Island. The story shows exactly how America was during the 1920s.

My review:

I love how Fitzgerald writes in this book because some sentences feels very poetic. It’s a good book which made you feel like you are living during the 1920s in America πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡Έ. I loved to read about the big parties and how fancy their clothes were. I would love to go to one of his parties even though I don’t drink at all haha. I have to admit that sometimes I found the writing style difficult because there were some words I didn’t understand so sometimes I found it difficult to keep reading. I’m used to reading Young Adult books so it was something different to read.

Quotes:

β€œAnd so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.”

β€œHe looked at her the way all women want to be looked at by a man.”

Stars: ⭐⭐⭐

I give this book three stars because I liked it but it isn’t one of my favourite books. I just prefer young adult books because they are much easier to read. However, it’s a good book and I’m sure many of you also liked it.

Everything, Everything – Nicola Yoon

Summary:

This book is about a girl called Madeline who has a rare disease. It’s a form of Severe Combined Immunodeficiency. She is allergic to everything and can’t leave her house. She hasn’t left her house for already 15 years. Her mother and her nurse Carla take care of her. One day everything change because some new neighbors came. Olly will change her life for good πŸ’•. She wants to feel alive and wants to do everything life has to offer. Madeline knows for sure that she is going to fall in love with Olly and that it will be a hell of a ride.

My review:

I have never read a book that fast for a long time. I finished this book in two weeks during last Summer 🌞. It was so AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL!!! πŸ˜πŸ’–It was also such an easy book to read. I love how the writer makes you fall in love with the characters so fast and made you feel like you actually live that story. It was just so incredible. The end was also a plot twist. I won’t say any spoilers for the ones who didn’t read it. I think it’s such an inspiring book and also such a beautiful love story but not in a cliche way. I definitely cried some tears. There are some really great quotes which I will share below with you.

Quotes:

β€œFrom so high above it, the world seems ordered and deliberate.
But I know it’s more than that. And less. It is structured and chaotic. Beautiful and strange.”

β€œLife is a gift. Don’t forget to live it.” 

β€œEverything’s a risk. Not doing anything is a risk, It’s up to you.”

β€œMaybe growing up means disappointing the people we love.”

β€œYou can find the meaning of life in a book.”

 β€œYou hate the ocean?
I don’t hate it. I respect it. Respect. It’s Mother Nature at her finest – awesome, beautiful, impersonal, murderous.”

Stars: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Definitely 5 stars! πŸŒŸπŸ’« It was a fun, beautiful and inspiring book. This is already one of my favourite books which I’ve ever read. I also loved the drawings in this book which were made by the hushband of Nicola Yoon. It fits perfectly with the story and made it even better. You could really live with the characters, live through their story and feel their emotions.

Moon Theory – Robert M. Drake

Summary:

This poetry book is about self love πŸ’–, love, life and everything in between. Robert M. Drake is a poet and became famous on Instagram. This book is a collection of many poems of him. Many poems are about being real, being yourself, standing up for yourself and feeling your feelings as they come and go. He has written loads of poetry books.

My review:

I loved this poetry book so much! πŸ˜„ It was so well written. All the poems were so beautiful and inspiring. I could really feel all of his emotions and also relate to them in my own life. It was just so good. Some of the poems made me emotional too. He also write poetry which is mental health related. It makes me feel less alone. We need those people so badly in this world especially this time πŸŒπŸ™. They are the ones who heal our hearts. While reading this book you can heal your own heart too. He is such a great writer. I will show some of my favourite poems below.

Stars: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I give this book 5 stars of course without any doubt! It was a beautiful poetry book. I wish to read more poetry books of him and also some novels he has written. I hope they will be as good as this one or maybe even better who knows.

Thank you so much for reading this blog post. Have you read any of these books? Did you like them? What are you reading right now? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina



International Women’s Day 2020 πŸ’ͺβ™€οΈπŸ’œ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I always find it so important to talk about women’s rights especially today. Today it’s International Women’s Day πŸ’œβ™€οΈ. Every day is women’s day but I find today just an important day to talk about feminism and women’s rights. I love to write poetry about this topic. I love to read about it. I love to speak up about it because we have the right to speak up. I will also share at the end a poem, a picture and a cover 🎢 I made for this subject. I will not say happy International Women’s Day because how can we be happy when there are still so many women suffering in this world? How can we be happy when we are still afraid walking at night? How can we be happy when we are always afraid of something happening to us? There still needs a lot to be done to have equal rights between men and women.

There’s still no equality between men and women in this world. We have to raise our voice and talk about it. Men still earn in many places more than women. Men still consider women as objects. Men still keep catcalling women on the street. Rape, sexual abuse and violence against women exists. It still happens. It happens in The Netherlands, in Spain and anywhere else in the world. It has nothing to do with undeveloped or developed countries. This is an issue which effects the whole world 🌍. I wish we wouldn’t live in a patriarchal world. To be honest, I’m sick of it. Women can be bosses too. We don’t need men to feel satisfied or be happy in life.

I have always been a feminist and also will be a feminst forever πŸ’œβ™€οΈπŸ”₯. Women and men deserve the same human rights. It’s that simple. Some men always think that if you are a feminist, you hate men. That isn’t the case at all. Of course, men can be a feminst too because this isn’t just about women, it’s also about men. We don’t want to have the power over men. We just want GENDER EQUALITY.

Girl support girls always

I have to admit that I still have a wall around me because of my ex. It’s been 7 years since the break up πŸ’”. I dated some guys sometimes but just short and nothing serious. I’m afraid to get hurt again. I liked guys which just wanted me because they wanted sex from me and I don’t want that. They saw me as an object and even one time one said that they thought I was sexual attractive. I was like fuck off πŸ‘†. You see, I’m fed up with these kind of comments. I want to be seen as a women for my qualities which means being sensitive, romantic, creative, compassionate and for being intelligent and having a good heart. When I see a man or get to know one I think of these qualities of that person whereas men always focus on our physically.

To be honest, I don’t blame men for those behaviours because they can be changed. Those are not great comments of course. Those behaviours are thought from an early age. Boys and girls are grown up differently. Boys have to be strong and like men stuff like cars 🚘 and football and girls are grown up having to be like a princess πŸ‘Έ, being sweet and sensitive and loving all cute and pink stuff. It’s the wrong way to have grown up. The moment a child doesn’t feel like fitting in, he or she fall outside the box in our society. So, I definitely think these male-dominated behaviours of catcalling and seeing women as an object comes from an early age.

I really do think we have to raise boys and girls the same way. Tell them it’s okay to be and like who they want to like. Tell the boys it’s okay to cry. Tell the girls it’s okay to be a warrior. This will also cause less mental health problems in the future. There are more men who die by suicide then women because they feel they can’t express their emotions and don’t have the right to cry and talk about their feelings.

As you can see, there is still a lot to do with achieving real equality between men and women. I’m a feminist by heart and I find it important to raise awareness about equality always. Therefor I made a poem πŸ“ for this day and this poem relates to the picture where you can see me with tape on my mouth. I made this picture a few years ago for an assignment for school. It was for my minor of photography. We had to show a contrast with two pictures. I had chosen the topic of freedom. This picture is the opposite of how I’m able to live my life. This picture relates to my poem below.

Picture of myself showing how some women can't speak up

𝑰 π’‚π’Ž 𝒂 π’˜π’π’Žπ’‚π’.
𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝑰 π’ˆπ’†π’• π’‘π’–π’π’Šπ’”π’‰π’†π’….
𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 π’˜π’†π’‚π’“ π’˜π’‰π’‚π’• 𝑰 π’˜π’‚π’π’•.
𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 𝒃𝒆 π’˜π’‰π’ 𝑰 π’˜π’‚π’π’• 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆.
𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 π’ˆπ’ π’”π’π’Žπ’†π’˜π’‰π’†π’“π’† 𝒂𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒆.
𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 π’…π’“π’Šπ’—π’†.
𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 π’˜π’π’“π’Œ π’π’–π’•π’”π’Šπ’…π’† 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆.
𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 π’Žπ’‚π’“π’“π’š π’”π’π’Žπ’†π’π’π’† 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 π’Žπ’†π’• 𝒐𝒓 𝒂 π’‡π’‚π’Žπ’Šπ’π’š π’Žπ’†π’Žπ’ƒπ’†π’“.
𝑰𝒇 𝑰’π’Ž π’π’–π’„π’Œπ’š 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏 π’Žπ’‚π’šπ’ƒπ’† π’Žπ’‚π’“π’“π’š π’”π’π’Žπ’†π’π’π’† π’˜π’‰π’†π’ 𝑰’π’Ž 20 π’šπ’†π’‚π’“π’” 𝒐𝒍𝒅.
π‘΄π’š π’‡π’“π’Šπ’†π’π’…π’” 𝒂𝒓𝒆 π’‚π’π’“π’†π’‚π’…π’š π’Žπ’‚π’“π’“π’Šπ’†π’… 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 π’•π’‰π’†π’Ž π’ƒπ’†π’Šπ’π’ˆ π’Œπ’Šπ’…π’”.
π‘΄π’‚π’“π’“π’šπ’Šπ’π’ˆ π’ƒπ’†π’Šπ’π’ˆ 𝒂 π’„π’‰π’Šπ’π’… π’Šπ’” 𝒔𝒐 π’π’π’“π’Žπ’‚π’ 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆.
𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 π’”π’‘π’†π’‚π’Œ 𝒖𝒑.
𝑰’π’Ž π’”π’Šπ’π’†π’π’„π’†π’….
𝑴𝒆𝒏 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 π’‘π’π’˜π’†π’“ 𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒖𝒔.
π‘»π’‰π’Šπ’” π’Šπ’” π’Žπ’š π’π’Šπ’‡π’†.

π‘»π’‰π’Šπ’” π’Šπ’” 𝒕𝒉𝒆 π’”π’•π’π’“π’š 𝒐𝒇 π’˜π’π’Žπ’†π’ π’π’Šπ’—π’Šπ’π’ˆ π’Šπ’ π’Žπ’‚π’π’š 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒅 π’„π’π’–π’π’•π’“π’Šπ’†π’” 𝒐𝒇 𝒐𝒖𝒓 π’˜π’π’“π’π’….
𝑰𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒑 π’„π’π’–π’π’•π’“π’Šπ’†π’” 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆’𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒔𝒐 π’”π’•π’Šπ’π’ 𝒂 𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝒐𝒇 π’Šπ’Žπ’‘π’“π’π’—π’†π’Žπ’†π’π’• 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒐 π’˜π’Šπ’•π’‰ π’˜π’π’Žπ’†π’’𝒔 π’“π’Šπ’ˆπ’‰π’•π’”.
𝑾𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 π’†π’™π’•π’“π’†π’Žπ’†π’π’š π’‘π’“π’Šπ’—π’Šπ’π’†π’ˆπ’†π’… 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 π’Œπ’π’π’˜ 𝒕𝒐 π’‡π’Šπ’ˆπ’‰π’• 𝒇𝒐𝒓 π’˜π’π’Žπ’†π’’𝒔 π’“π’Šπ’ˆπ’‰π’• 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 π’˜π’π’“π’π’….
𝑾𝒉𝒆𝒏 π’˜π’† π’”π’‘π’†π’‚π’Œ 𝒖𝒑, π’˜π’† 𝒅𝒐 π’Šπ’• 𝒂𝒍𝒍 π’•π’π’ˆπ’†π’•π’‰π’†π’“ πŸ’ͺ
𝑾𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒆 π’‚π’π’˜π’‚π’šπ’” π’Šπ’ π’•π’‰π’Šπ’” π’•π’π’ˆπ’†π’•π’‰π’†π’“.
π‘Ύπ’π’Žπ’†π’’𝒔 π’“π’Šπ’ˆπ’‰π’•π’” 𝒂𝒓𝒆 π’‰π’–π’Žπ’‚π’ π’“π’Šπ’ˆπ’‰π’•π’” 𝒂𝒏𝒅 π’π’π’ƒπ’π’…π’š 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒐𝒓 π’˜π’Šπ’π’ 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 π’•π’‚π’Œπ’† 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 π’‚π’˜π’‚π’š 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒖𝒔.
𝑨𝒍𝒍 π’˜π’π’Žπ’†π’ 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 π’π’Šπ’—π’† 𝒂 π’π’Šπ’‡π’† π’Šπ’ π’‡π’“π’†π’†π’…π’π’Ž.
𝑾𝒆 π’„π’‰π’‚π’π’ˆπ’† 𝒕𝒉𝒆 π’˜π’π’“π’π’… π’†π’—π’†π’“π’šπ’…π’‚π’š! 𝒀𝒆𝒔 π’˜π’† 𝒄𝒂𝒏 πŸ’œπŸ’œ

Besides, I also made this cover of the song La puerta violeta πŸ’œπŸŽΆ from rozalen. It’s such a beautiful Spanish song. Rozalen is such an amazing Spanish artist! This song is about violence against women and about freedom. She sings about drawing a violet door on the wall, running in the forest and being free and safe. It’s a song dedicated for the violence against women around the world.

I shared the cover on my instagram which you can find below.

View this post on Instagram

International Women's Day πŸ’ͺπŸ’œ . Yesterday it was International Women's Day πŸ’œπŸ’ͺ♀️It's been a long time since I shared a cover from a song 🎢. I made this cover of the song La puerta violeta from @rozalenmusic. It's such a beautiful Spanish song. Rozalen is amazing! This song is about violence against women and about freedom. She sings about drawing a violet door, running in the forest and being free and safe. 𝑷𝒆𝒓𝒐 π’…π’Šπ’ƒπ’–π’‹Γ© 𝒖𝒏𝒂 𝒑𝒖𝒆𝒓𝒕𝒂 π’—π’Šπ’π’π’†π’•π’‚ 𝒆𝒏 𝒍𝒂 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒀 𝒂𝒍 𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒓 π’Žπ’† π’π’Šπ’ƒπ’†π’“Γ© π‘ͺπ’π’Žπ’ 𝒔𝒆 π’…π’†π’”π’‘π’π’Šπ’†π’ˆπ’‚ 𝒍𝒂 𝒗𝒆𝒍𝒂 𝒅𝒆 𝒖𝒏 𝒃𝒂𝒓𝒄𝒐 𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒕é 𝒆𝒏 𝒖𝒏 𝒑𝒓𝒂𝒅𝒐 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒅𝒆 π’Žπ’–π’š 𝒍𝒆𝒋𝒐𝒔 𝒅𝒆 𝒂𝒒𝒖í π‘ͺ𝒐𝒓𝒓í, π’ˆπ’“π’Šπ’•Γ©, 𝒓𝒆í 𝑺é 𝒍𝒐 𝒒𝒖𝒆 𝒏𝒐 π’’π’–π’Šπ’†π’“π’ 𝑨𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒂 π’†π’”π’•π’π’š 𝒂 𝒔𝒂𝒍𝒗𝒐 I hope you all liked this song and we can change the world little by little. Women and men are equal. We all deserve the same human rights. Let's all stand together to make this happen and take action. Yes we can do it! πŸ’ͺπŸ’œπŸ’œ

A post shared by Sea of words 🌊 (@seaofwordsblog) on

I hope you all liked the poem and the song. It’s just so important to speak up for the ones who can’t speak up. We have to do it all together πŸ’ͺπŸ’–. We are all making a change every day by changing our thoughts and behaviour. We are all equal. Nobody is better. We are all human and deserve to be treated that way.

Thank you all for reading this important blog post about international women’s day, equality, human rights and feminism. I hope you all liked it and that it inspired you. Are you also a feminist? What do you think of equality? What do you think needs to change to achieve gender equality in the world? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Just be yourself poem πŸŒΈ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I would like to share a poem I made a few days ago about being myself and I also shared it online. It’s been a long time since I shared a poem on here. I love to express myself with writing. I will show a picture of me with this poem I made. I had a nice photoshoot one day in Spain. This picture is already 6 years old haha but sssht 🀫 I still look the same πŸ˜‚πŸ€­.

Picture of myself in Spain

I am sensitive.

I am caring.

I am beautiful.

I am creative.

I am inspiring.

I am strong.

I am lovable.

I am enough.

I am loved.

I am empathetic.

I am vulnerable.

I am honest.

I am open-minded.

I am intelligent.

I am sweet.

I am romantic.

I can be all of them.

I don’t have to choose between one of them.

Being human means being all of those things.

That’s the power of being human.

To be who you want to be without having to choose.

Being ourselves and loving ourselves unconditionally.

We are all human and matter.

Be yourself and love yourself.

Just be you.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope this poem inspired you to be just yourself with all your qualities and flaws. You are beautiful just the way you are πŸ’–. What do you think of my poem? What makes you you? Do you think it’s difficult to be yourself in our society? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I faced my fear of going to the dentist for my wisdom teeth removal πŸ’ͺ🦷

Hola lovelies πŸ’ž,

This blog post is going to be so important for me because I have had this fear for three years almost and kept postponing it. This blog post is about my wisdom teeth removal which happened today 🦷. While my mother is sleeping and I’m resting in bad I’m writing this blog post. I’m also crying because I feel so relieved. I’m so proud of myself.

So today I faced one of my biggest fears in life which is going to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth out 🦷. One of them is out now. Still three to go but at least this is done. Gotta love Spanish dentists who understand my anxiety and who are just so lovely. Also never mind my face is big because of the anesthesia. You can see that on the picture below. I basically had no choice to go today because I don’t want anyone forcing me in Holland. It’s more expensive there and they also do it in the hospital. I find hospitals even more scary 😒. It reminds me when my dad was there and almost died.

I got a trauma from going to the dentist for a root canal treatment in The Netherlands because I got called childish and 15 years old. That resulted in me having a panic attack. That’s not a good way to treat your patients. I know they are not all like that but that experience just made me soooo anxious. There are good and bad dentists and doctors everywhere. You just have to find the right one. Finding one you can trust is so important πŸ’–πŸ€ž It really makes you more calm which is exactly what I need. That’s the most important thing.

I was so anxious the past days. I couldn’t sleep well last night and kept feeling anxious and nauseous. Today I woke up crying and really didn’t want to go but I know I had to. It’s bad when a fear is keeping you from living your life for so long. It’s been three years and it’s a miracle that I didn’t have any infections just yet. My mother said today that they changed the appointment to 4 o’clock in the afternoon instead of 7 o’clock in the afternoon. In fact it was much better because I always wake up so late so it would make me have less time worrying, crying and being anxious. I almost didn’t eat because I didn’t want to vomit because of anxiety. I drank water, some cookies and that’s it. I also took half of Valium πŸ’Š.

I’m SO happy I went here in Spain. They are understanding and know how to deal with people who have anxiety. I took anti anxiety meds before. When I arrived at the clinic today they gave me a tila which is a Spanish tea to calm you down 🍡. I was like wow what a service thank you so much. Then they said the dentist wasn’t still there haha he was eating, lol typical Spanish times πŸ˜‚ Then it was time for me to do it. I almost didn’t felt the anesthesia. I remember from Holland that I felt it. They also give me something to squeeze haha a little shark 🦈 . They calmed me down with some breathing exercises like breathing slowly. This definitely helps so much. I tasted something like pepermint which was nice. I closed my eyes too which was better they said. It was the dentist and a woman who helped him. They were both so friendly.

Then they said I would feel like a bee 🐝 was pricking me but I almost felt nothing. That was done and then the dentist took the teeth away. My head was going left lol so I had to change my position and said sorry they were like no it’s okay. I’m always so used to say sorry for everything. I didn’t feel anything only that it took some strength to get that fucking wisdom teeth gone πŸ˜‚ That teeth was being mean haha but at the end the dentist won yeahhhh πŸ’ͺ🀣 Lucky man πŸ€ I saw it and he told me if I want to bring it home lol I said no way. Some people want to save it.

I didn’t even noticed the anesthesia at all. It was so smoothly all. In less than 15 minutes it was all down. I didn’t want that 🦷 teeth so they threw it away 🀣. I told them I love them very much and they said the same to me 😍😭. They said I was being really brave. Those words meant so much I could cry there. The dentist is also very handsome haha. That’s just a big plus πŸ’–. I’m not falling in love or am I lol cray cray πŸ˜‚. I would love to meet one day someone who would love me the way my dentist treated me today. I just want people in my life who treat me with kindness, compassion and understanding. I don’t ask for much more.

I have to go again next week to know if everything is okay and to know that I have no infections. I know it isn’t fun going to the dentist but maybe this experience will somehow also make me overcome this fear of the dentist. I feel like this is a learning like Yoga Girl would say. This is much more than just a wisdom teeth removal. This experience made me believe again in the good in people. I think in some way the universe is giving me all these experiences with good people to cover up all the bad experiences in the past like being bullied and having a broken heart.

Now, I got prescribed antibiotics, ibuprofen for pain and another medicine for darmflora because antibiotics can also have some side effects. I hope I won’t have too much pain and these meds will help πŸ™. I’m not a person who takes a lot of antibiotics. In The Netherlands they would not give you antibiotics. I also thought it’s strange to take that before I have an infection but it’s better. The health care system in Spain is really good and I love their professionality. I also love that it feels like you are talking with a friend lol πŸ˜‚πŸ’– I wouldn’t say in Holland that I love them so much. There you give the doctors a hand. Here my mother gave him two kisses wishing them happy new year πŸ˜‚πŸŽ‰. I think that also helps to decrease anxiety. I don’t like people being so serious. Life is already hard enough. We need more fun and laughs.

I don’t have to spit for a day and the meds I should take

Maybe this isn’t a big deal for some people but for me it is. I want to be real about my struggles in life online and in real life. I have been with this fear for so many years that I really feel a weight is off my shoulders. I know I’m not done with it but at least one 🦷 is out byebye. I still have to get rid of three. Little by little they will be gone. This definitely increased my confidence. I’m so proud of myself. Anxiety didn’t win today. I won today πŸ’ͺ I called my daddy and he was really happy I went. I know my family wants best for us. He doesn’t want that I have an infection. Everything is well. I know my anxiety tells me so many stuff which isn’t true. At the end, this fear was worse than the thing itself. It’s always the same but that’s anxiety. I thought even that I was going to die or have a panic attack but nothing happened.

I’m thankful that there exists people who are human, understanding and have compassion because that’s really what this world needs 🌍. We need more kind people. Kindness is never a weakness but a strength. I’m not afraid anymore to show my sensitivity because it’s makes me human. I know that there always will be good people πŸ’–πŸ’–

I’m also so thankful for all the people who have always been there for me, my good friends, my family, all the people I met online like my lovely bloggers, pen pals, people from The Yoga Girl Community and The Goddess community. I couldn’t have done this without all of you. Thank you for your endless support. We can achieve anything we want with the help of others. We are never alone πŸ’– I’m so blessed to have you all in my life. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also have a fear which you keep postponing? Do you also had to get rid of a wisdom teeth? What do think of my story? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

We meet everyone for a reason βœ¨

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Good news! ☺️ I feel somehow much better than some weeks ago were I really didn’t see the light at all and felt hopeless in life. It sounds pretty depressing but feeling anxious 24/7, feeling like you can’t breath, being nauseous all the time is really a hell. I hate anxiety so much 😭. It strange that I feel better now here I’m here in Holland because I’m always happier in Spain. To be honest, I never felt so low, depressed and anxious in Spain. I think because I associate it with going to the dentist which I didn’t do. I know it wasn’t a good idea to isolate myself for more than a week at home. In this blog post I will tell you about someone special I met on the airplane ✈️ back to Holland from Spain. I will tell you also some other travel stories. Oh how I love travelling 🌍. It’s the best and on those moments I can distract myself from my anxiety and meet people who really will change my life. I have to document these moments here on my blog because I’m afraid that otherwise I won’t remember them anymore. They are too precious to forget about them. In the moments that I felt so bad I even thought about not blogging anymore for a time but then I thought that would be a loss because that’s what I love to do the most. I have to keep doing the things I love to do or I would feel worse. Everything which brings me positivity is important to do πŸ’«.

So before I talk about the flight of a week ago back to Holland I want to talk about the flight I took in September. I was in Spain πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡Έ during the whole Summer and my mother and I got back to Holland in September. There was this guy sitting next to my mother in the other row who looked very friendly. He was around 36 years old. We had such good talks. He talked about how I could maybe find a job in Holland in a Dutch company and from there find a job in Spain. He said that I didn’t have to be insecure. He was Spanish and was working and living in The Netherlands. He gave me so much inspiration and so much good vibes, just what I needed in that moment. He told me that he was bullied too at school just like me. He told me that I’m a smart girl which can speak three languages: Spanish, English and Dutch and also graduated my studies. I know he is right about that. It’s just that I always feel so insecure and have a low self esteem. I guess that’s because of anxiety too. I never know what to do when people compliment me or say that I’m pretty. I got his FB but now never spoke again to him. I really liked talking to him with my mother.

Then I went again to Spain a few weeks ago with my mother. I was sitting next to a girl from Uruguay. I also have her Instagram now, haha I hope people don’t think I’m desperate to meet new people. This is just me being myself. My mother is also social as I’m. I’m not that girl who loves to isolate herself. It’s what my mental illness does to me. We talked a lot about the world, her country and my countries. We had such a nice talk. I always love to talk to people from different countries as we can learn so much from them.

So a week ago, we travelled back from Spain to Holland. I’ve never been that anxious to travel even though I’m always scared of flying. It’s just because I have felt so low all this time. I took valium many nights to sleep and also a bit for flying. I was just so afraid of having a panic attack and of course that didn’t happen. Most things we fear don’t happen, it’s just our minds which are playing tricks with us. Before we were at the airport we met a lovely woman at the train station. She talked about the political situation in Spain and said she is a journalist. She even gave her number to us and said that whenever we are in Madrid again we can drink something with her. Things like this always remind me of how many good people there are in this world ❀️🌍.

Later at the airport my mother saw a man who she knew from when she was working as a stewardess in a Spanish airline. He was working in the cafe we ordered a salad. What another beautiful coincidence was that I met my lovely Spanish teachers at the gate where I was waiting with my mother to fly to Holland. They came back in the same airplane and were just about to go to a conference. I didn’t see them anymore since I graduated my studies European Studies. I love them all so much πŸ’ž. I really miss that feeling of being a student in my life right now because I feel lost now in the big world. I told them something about being anxious and they told me that I’m a smart girl and that every little step is a step forward. I could also keep networking. I know finding a job in Spain is more difficult than in Holland as there’s more unemployment in Spain and for jobs in the public sector you need to pass a difficult exam which can take years. They still remembered how I spoke at the United Nations and did my internship at the University of Valladolid. We took a selfie and they would show it to another teacher which I also love so much.

Now comes the most important story I wanted to tell from the first place. I hope I didn’t ramble way too much haha πŸ˜‚. A week ago was the best flight I have ever had in my life because of someone special I met. You all know I’m a romantic and highly sensitive girl. I make up so many stories in my mind which is how I imagine the world to be, that rainbow coloured world where people are happy, flowers blossom and the sun is always shining πŸ˜πŸ’πŸŒžπŸŒˆ. That is the world which only exists in movies, books or in my mind. It’s pretty curious because maybe a week before I already dreamt of meeting a boy sitting next to me in the airplane. So I was already nervious thinking who is going to sit next to me at the window seat when a guy was going to sit next to me. We immediately begin to talk with no end. My mother also talked to him and find him very friendly and open.

It was one the most intense, beautiful, honest and inspiring talks I’ve ever had in my life ✨. I have had some really good talks in my life with people I love but with a stranger who you just met in the airplane not. This guy was so lovely, so cute and just so amazing 😍. Can you fall in love at first sight? πŸ’˜ I know I’m always so intense and have to be careful to not get my heart broken again but this connection we had in those few hours was so strong. We looked at each other many times. He listened carefully to what I had to say and me too. We talked about our lifes. He smiled a lot. We laughed a lot and made jokes. It’s in times that I haven’t felt such a strong connection with someone. He is an artist, 33 years old and works and study in the film industry 🎬. He has to travel a lot and goes to film events to present his documentaries. I find all of that so interesting. I love creative people with an open mind.

He loved my bracelets and touched them. We talked about our exes and everything. I’m always so open and sometimes that can be bad but I guess this day it was okay because he was also so open about everything, political view, his life and values. The way he looked at me made me nervous as I really felt such a strong attraction. It’s been so long that I didn’t have felt that. What I also loved about this guy is that he was honest and seemed sensitive. He also reminded me of a friend of me in Spain. He made me feel so calm and so peaceful. When I told him about how my ex wanted that I had to wear high heels because that would make me confident as he said, he said that it was wrong to change someone. He is so right because for me wearing high heels makes me feel unconfident.

Then we also talked about where he came from which is Basque country. I have my Spanish family living there too. We both had long distance relationships. Everything was such a coincidence and we seemed so similar as I’m also creative. He told me about that he also enjoyed surfing and swimming in the ocean. What I loved the most about our talk was when we began to talk about spirituality. I’m so in to that and not all my friends are. Since I’m reading the book “To love and let go” from Yoga Girl, I’m even more into that. I don’t think I believe in all things but I love astrology, the law of attraction and I believe the universe gives us what we want at the moment we need it πŸ™. He was talking about Ayahuasca ceremony. I don’t think I would ever try it as I think it would be dangerous for a person suffering from a mental illness. He told me I could do that but I didn’t told him all about my anxiety. It’s a kind of tea you drink where you go through a spiritual journey. You feel like you are going to die and then at the end you find the light again. I also read that in the book of Yoga Girl. It sounds very intense and it would make me so anxious to be honest.

This guy also told me that he did a tarrot reading. I always was very skeptical of it but somehow I feel like I could believe in it a bit. He told me he was an Emperor and that means that he likes to make feel people safe and make his dreams come true. I told him that once I was told to be a Mediator or helper and he said that fits me well. He is also an aquarius β™’ as zodiac sign and I’m geminis and I know that those zodiac signs are compatible. A friend of him also told him that he could get along well with geminis β™Š. I really like to believe in that.

I just felt so in the moment during this beautiful talk. I wish the flight would never have ended. I always get attached so much to people. I have his number and wrote him a message that it was nice to meet him and sent him some pictures we made. I really do hope we will meet each other again as he lives in Amsterdam until next Summer. He gave me a kiss on the cheek which is a normal Spanish way of greeting and also a hug. I never felt such a strong connection with someone. I do believe we meet all the people in life for a reason. They will teach us something. He texted me back a few days later and said he loved to have met me in the airplane too. He said seldom you find such honest and genuine people like me. He is thankful to have met me and also thanks me for the pictures I sent him. I also sent him a text back a few days later and told him the same. I also said that if he ever wants to meet up he can say that to me. The thing is, I also don’t want to be needy or obsessive as I can be really intense. I learned that from being in a relationship with my first love and other crushes. I do believe that whatever will be, will be. We don’t have to force anything. Anything which is meant to come into your life will come without forcing situations.

This universe is beautiful 🌌✨. This life is beautiful. I’m just so thankful for these special moments as they come in the moments I most need them. It’s like the universe is saying to me that my story isn’t over yet and that I can be happy and that good things will come my way. I really also know that I don’t have to get my hopes up but I just feel this fuzzy and warm feeling in my heart. I’m so thankful for everything. Thank you life for the hard and beautiful lessons. It reminds me that we are all here for a reason. I need to believe more in the universe and let it unfold itself. Stop controlling. Letting life flow. I just feel my heart full of gold right now 🌟.

“I believe in the good things coming πŸ’•”

Thank you all for reading this inspiring and long post. I felt very inspired to write this. What do you think of all of this? Do you believe we meet people for a reason? Are you a spiritual person? Do you believe in love at first sight? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Being vulnerable and honest is what matters most in life πŸ’–βœ¨

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I’m going to talk about my feelings and thoughts about being real and vulnerable. I will also show you that crying is okay and that it’s okay to feel all our feelings, the bad and the positive ones. It takes a lot of courage to be myself in a world where you are constantly being judged for being yourself. At the end, what’s most important in life is to be real with ourselves and with others. Only then we can have great relationships in our lives πŸ’–.

I’m always 100% myself on here, on my IG for my blog or in the communities such as the Yoga Girl Community I’m in. Being myself means sharing the good and bad in life. It’s about being raw, vulnerable and sensitive. Nowadays we live in a world where it’s better to hide our emotions and fake it until we make it. I’m so not into that. I’m loosing friends every year and thinking of that now, I’m happy about it. If people don’t align with me, respect me and care about me, why would I want to be friends with that person? Why invest so much time in people who aren’t worth our time? Our time is precious in life so better invest that in people who give you good vibes, love you for being yourself and who really care about you.

This is also a reason why I deactivated my Facebook account since a few days. I feel like social media does more wrong than good. I compare my life to others way too much. Then I begin to feel even more anxious. It’s also not good for my mental health. Maybe, I will activate it again one day. I just think I have to spend less time there because I don’t like all the fake people I see. There are even people I follow on social media who used to be friends with me and are showing their perfect lives which involves their travels, jobs and family life. I just can’t stand it. I’m not a person who’s jealous of that but it just makes me feel bad about myself. It always feels like the grass is greener on the other side. It’s like I don’t have my life together and seeing all those posts only increase my feeling of anxiety. I hope you all understand what I’m trying try to say.

People are just so fake in general. I know it isn’t attractive to see someone crying on a picture or reading about the though stuff in life like loosing someone we love, someone getting sick or any other tragic news. It’s just really necessary to show also the bad stuff in life because only then we can connect with others in a real way and feel less alone in our struggles. Of course, I don’t mean to only write about negative stuff and watch all the negative news which we are constantly being drowned by. I just mean that it’s important being real about our feelings and thoughts in life. I really can see how I and all the othee people struggling with their mental health or anything else in life can feel worse when people don’t talk about their struggles and only show the good in life. It makes us feel even more isolated.

Whenever I see those perfect feeds online I also feel like I don’t try hard enough in life to reach my goals. I feel like people don’t show often how hard it was to accomplish something in their life like getting that job you dreamt of, achieving other things in life such as finishing college or high school. Why do we not show more the journey to reach a certain goal? I think that could let us know that everything we want in life doesn’t come easy and that doing our best is more than enough. It will inspire us instead of making ourselves feel bad. I’m still applying for jobs in Spain and get a lot of rejections. It makes me feel demotivated. I feel like I won’t ever get a job I love because anxiety gets in the way. Today I applied again for a job to work online from home in Spain. I hope I will hear one day something positive about it πŸ€žπŸ€ I definitely know that it would make us feel better if we see how hard it is to reach things in life. Nobody talks about how hard it is to find a job when you are mentally ill. That makes me only feel more shameful when I didn’t choose to suffer from anxiety on the first place.

I also still struggle with going to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth pulled out. I need to do it one by one but I just feel exhausted by the thought of it. Anxiety makes me feel so exhausted in life πŸ˜”. I feel exhausted to through to those waves of anxiety again so I don’t do anything about it which also isn’t okay. Maybe, I need to ask for help but I also still don’t know if therapy would help or I’m just fooling myself and telling myself that story. Maybe, I’m just anxious about going through all of that and I think I deserve no help or healing. In the midst of all of this, I wanted to apply for a singing casting for a talent show in Spain. I don’t think I’m doing it because it cost me money to go to Madrid. However, maybe I will apply for another singing casting here in Valladolid 🎢🎀. This also makes me anxious but I also love to sing. It’s one of my biggest passions in life. You have to send some voice notes and if you pass, you will have a real life audition. This audition is to be able to sing in a women’s choir. I miss singing in a choir. I sang 11 years in a choir in The Netherlands. The only thing is that I’m not living in Spain right now so maybe it doesn’t make sense to apply. If I would get a job I could stay here.

What I also wanted to say is that anxiety is a real illness as well as other mental illnesses or invisible illnesses. With these pictures below I want to show you all how it looks like to suffer from anxiety. It takes a lot of courage for me to show you this side but I feel the need to be real in the most vulnerable way. It’s okay to cry and not be okay. There has to be no shame of that. You can see me smiling on the first picture. I was happy that day but there could be also times when I’m smiling but feel anxious. On the second picture I was crying and feeling anxious which was last weekend because I feel again pressure to get a job I don’t want because of my family. At the end, we have to decide what’s best for us. Anyone can give us an advice but only we know what our heart wants.

You see that you can never judge someone just based on how they look like. Someone can be smiling but feeling bad. We don’t know the struggles someone is facing so we always have to be kind. Someone can hide a lot behind a smile. Mental illnesses and other invisible illnesses are real. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t true. I wish people would understand that better or at least try to show some empathy and compassion. That’s what I need, you need and the whole world needs right now. We need to able to feel our feelings, show them and then eventually we can let them go. I’m blessed to have my family, friends both online and in real life who care about me. I’m so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You all mean the world to me πŸ’žπŸ™

You are not alone.
You are so loved.
You are allowed to feel your feelings.
You are allowed to cry.
You are allowed to be angry.
You are allowed to take up space in this universe.

You don’t have to do this alone. If we all look after each other we could definitely make this a better world to live in. We would feel less alone in our struggles, pain and though times in life. Let’s walk this journey together, step by side, side to side. We are all in this together.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I love to be real always. Do you find it hard to be real about your feelings in this fake world? How does social media make you feel? Any advice of the things I shared related to anxiety, the singing castings or the search for a job? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Right in this moment all is well

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I want to talk about what I have expierencing these last days together with some realizations I have got. It’s about sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with you as I have always done and always will do until the day I die. I hope this post will not turn into a depressive post but just so you know it before I begin to talk.

Last Friday I began to read the book of Yoga Girl called “To love and let go”. I will not tell you a lot about it because I really want to do one post about it when I have finished it. It just deserves a post on its own. It’s the most spiritual, healing and just best book I haver ever read πŸ’—βœ¨. It feels like my Bible πŸ“–. I’m at page 74 and it has more than 300 pages so I’m happy there is still so much more to read. I have always said that The fault in our stars is my favourite book but this book is a memoir, based on a real life story and I feel like this is my next favourite book. Yoga Girl also called Rachel Brathen is an international yoga teacher with her own yoga studio called Island Yoga in Aruba. She lives there with her hushband and daughter. Her story is about loss, love and gratitude. She lost her best friend in a car accident and right in that moment she had to go through surgery for her appendix in Bonaire. It’s a heart breaking story πŸ’”πŸ˜’.

Every chapter is amazing, just so beautiful, just out of the world 😍. In one chapter she is writing about how in this exact moment all is well and that anxiety and fear dissapears when we think of the present. There’s this book called “The power of now” which also talks about this. I want to read it one day. I think about this a lot as I have been sleeping so bad these last nights. I thought maybe it’s because of reading this book as it’s so beautiful but also heavy. I think way too much and then get anxious of having so many thoughts in my mind 😒. I wish I could turn them all off and be like it’s enough now and stop it. Anxiety doesn’t work that way. It’s so hard to be present when your mind is constantly in war with you. I also think social media plays a role in this too so these last days I have been using it less. I like it but it also increase my anxiety and makes me feel bad about myself. Blogging and being in communities is so much better. I can’t deal with fake people anymore. I want real connections where I can talk about real life stuff such as deep conversations about death, the universe, our dreams and struggles. Social media feels so fake. I want to learn new things and get inspired instead of getting impressed of people with their fake happiness in life.

Also I think a lot about life and death lately. I have always thought about it and now I think even more about it. I already wrote about my fear of death in this post. I have always been afraid of death ☠️ but also of life because my whole life I live out of fear instead of love. That’s my problem. Sometimes I’m afraid to sleep because of not waking up the next morning. Then I get panic at night and keep waking up. I just fear that everything will stop one day, that everyone I love will die one day and that all of this will stop existing one day. It’s a scary thought 😒. I fear dying but what I fear most is just the thought of being death. I hope I’m not sounding strange but when I shared it in the community of Yoga Girl on Facebook I was happy that I wasn’t alone in this. There are more people afraid of this. It makes me feel good that I’m not the only one thinking about this.

I talk about this with some of my friends or my parents. My daddy said why would you worry about it when you are death because you wouldn’t know it and he also said that before we were born we were also not here. Life is strange. I agree with him but it just still feels strange. I’m just always thinking about the past which includes being bullied, having my heart broken and all the negative stuff and then when that’s done I began to worry and think about the future and so I’m constant in fear and anxiety anticipating the worst things in life. I know we all will die one day and that death is part of life. I just have to find a way in living a life where I can be happy and at peace with my mind. I hope that we can all find that one day as we deserve it ✨

That’s also the reason why I don’t know if I will ever try therapy because I don’t know if it would help me as I have to move on from the past. I know I have to let it all out but I also have to let it go and not dwell in the past which only increase my anxiety. I also want to take yoga lessons πŸ§˜β€β™€οΈ in a class one day. From reading this book I’m learning that right now all is well. I do meditation sometimes with Yoga Girl’s podcasts which is amazing. I’m getting better with it than before. Sometimes I cry while meditating as I’m releasing my emotions. Children are always living in the present moment. I’m thinking about when we as adults stopped doing that. When did that happen? It’s sad because then everything makes sense. It’s normal to feel anxious when we are constantly thinking about the past or future. If we would think more often of the present, right now, how would we feel? I definitely would feel more at peace and less anxious. All is well. That’s going to be my mantra from now on. I know it’s difficult because anxiety often gets in the way but at least I can try.

Today was a good day too because I slept well last night and it was great weather. The sun was even shining a bit 🌞. I got beautiful pen pal mail and Christmas presents from my friends in UK. Selena Gomez and Duncan Laurence released a new song which I loved 🎢. I still didn’t get my period which for one reason is good but I also don’t want to get it when I’m travelling to Spain next week. I had also fun meeting up with my best friend and had a delicious lunch together in Haarlem πŸ˜πŸ˜‹. We also went stationery shopping which is just the best. You will see what I bought in another post. I also saw her family later which I loved because they are basically my second family haha. Her father always says I’m his adopted daughter.

When I came back home I was walking to my home from the bus stop. I was listening to the birds and saw the Autumn leaves πŸ‚πŸπŸƒ on the street. I saw the beautiful green trees. I could smell the Fall. I felt some wind on my face and right in that moment, I felt part of this universe. All is well I thought. Everything is exactly the way it’s because it’s suppose to be this way. I will find my way in life. The universe will always have my back. I’m so blessed so blessed to be alive right now. Thank you life for all the good and bad. I have tears in my eyes right now while writing this. I mean it. I really do. This life is so fragile. We really have to be thankful for all of it πŸ™βœ¨πŸ’—

“If I could stay in the moment and just be, I’d always come back to the same conclusion: all is well. Every time my mind took control, I challenged myself to not get pulled into panic mode.”

– To love and let go by Rachel Brathen

Thank you all for reading this post. I hope you understand what I just shared with you all. Do you also live more in the future than in the present moment? How does it make you feel? Do you also think a lot about life and death? Let me know lovelies. I’m always here for you πŸ’–. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina