Today it’s my 27th birthday! ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŽ‚๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽโœจ๐ŸŽˆ Forever a gemini child โ™Š and hippie girl yeahhh! โœŒ

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!! ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŽ‰ OMG 27 YEARS YOUNG. I feel old lol ๐Ÿ˜‚. I have sometimes pain in my body like period cramps, back pain, feeling nauseous, teeth problems, suffering from anxiety but lol I still lived 27 years so I guess it’s okay. I feel like a grand mother ๐Ÿ‘ด sometimes. This blog post will be about my birthday and some things I learned these years. It’s a kinda strange birthday because of this pandemic and lockdown but it’s also special. It’s the first birthday in 4 years that I’m again in The Netherlands celebrating it and not in Spain. My good friend is sleeping here. My brother, his wife, my bestie and her girlfriend are coming today but of course with distance. Better, than nothing. I miss face to face connection so much. I missed seeing them so much ๐Ÿ˜ญ.

I sometimes feel a bit depressed, anxious and emotional with my birthday because of society’s expectations. In 3 years I’m 30 years old but I still feel like a ”baby” in the world. I don’t have a job yet, no hushband, no baby, no driving license, no car or don’t own a home. Does that make me unsuccesful? Does that make me not worth it in this society? I just hate that society create those rules. It only makes me feel depressed and create more anxiety. I am where I am in live and it’s all okay. I’m realizing now more and more that who I’m is more important than what I do.

If there is one thing I’m realizing now during this pandemic and just this year in general is that I have to choose for myself. I have spent so much years of my life doing what other people expected of me. I have spent so much time in doing things I don’t like or being with the wrong people. It only drained me and made me feel bad about myself. I have wasted too much time in toxic relationships. It wasn’t worth it. I realized afterwards that all these people and boys had one thing in common: they didn’t deserve my love. I give so much to people and didn’t get that same amount of love back. They weren’t worth my time. If only I knew then what I know now I would not have done certain things or wasted my time on the wrong people. I failed, I learned and I grew from these mistakes. I will try to not repeat them in the future.

I have always hide myself and I still do that at times and I’m done with it. I hide myself because of being bullied ๐Ÿ˜ข. Not many bullies seem to know what the consequences are of bullying. It’s really the worst for your mental health. I still suffer sometimes when someone is laughing or talking a bit loud. Then instantly I think it’s about me but of course it isn’t true. Anxiety is also being caused of being bullied. I’m done with hiding myself for who I’m. I’m happy that I’m being myself know more and more online and also in real life. I have the best friends in real life, online and family in the world ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’•.

I want to be completely myself in everything I do and in everything I am in life. I have always been afraid of growing older because of being afraid of death. I also talked about that topic in this blog post. Now, I’m realizing that growing older is also a privilege. Not everyone can grow older because of sickness. I have also been afraid of aging because I always thought I have to be a certain way in life. I can’t like or do the things I like now in a few years. Well, that’s a misconception. I will forever be the hippie girl โœŒ, mermaid and wild child I’m ๐Ÿ˜‚. I will not change for anyone. I WILL BE MY CRAZY SELF. I will keep reading young adult books ๐Ÿ“š, blogging, penpalling, surfing ๐Ÿ„, travelling the world, singing ๐ŸŽถ, loving the sea ๐ŸŒŠ, listening to my favourite artists such as Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Julia Michaels, Sofia Ellar, Duncan Laurence, Aitana, Amaia, Alfred and keep having fun with my friends. I will keep being myself which means being romantic and sensitive. I’m a highly sensitive person and feel every emotion and also suffer more. I can’t take that away from me because otherwise I wouldn’t be me. Growing older doesn’t mean I have to change about what I like or not. I just grow wiser.

This year I faced one of my biggest fears which was going to the dentist to get one of my wisdom teeth pulled out. I’m SO proud of myself for doing this!!! ๐Ÿ’ช It’s a big achievement for me. I spent years in anxiety and I still know I have to get three out. The first step is there. It went all so great because of the lovely dentist and his team. He knew exactly how to support me and take care of me while I had so much anxiety. You can read it here. Sometimes I feel some problems in my teeth because I still have to get rid of three. I prefer to do it in Spain but we postponed our trip because of the pandemic. Maybe we can go in the Summer if it won’t be dangerous for any of us. I’m just really happy to have faced this fear. I hope with the next visits I will feel less anxiety. I know anxiety will be there always but hopefully a bit less now I know how things go. That’s also the reason I prefer to go in Spain because I know the dentist. I find it hard to trust again in someone new. It’s nice to go to some familiar places.

This year I also have had some amazing good times with my friends and family ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’ƒ. My last birthday was amazing because my friend from Granada came to visit me for the first time in Valladolid. Me and my Spanish friends ate all together in a creperie. We had such a great time together. I also enjoyed my time with my Dutch friends in Haarlem in November. I came back from having a hard time in Spain and being so anxious about having to go to the dentist and just life. It was nice to be able to enjoy some time all together eating delicous tapas in La Cubanita. In January I ate there again with my good friend. I also had a nice time with my family eating all together and celebrating birthdays. I really miss that but I know that time will come again.

I also travelled to beautiful places this year which were my second home Valladolid in Spain โœˆ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ธ. I’m so blessed to have that in my life. I love my Spanish friends and family so much. It’s home. I even feel more at home there than in The Netherlands where I have been born. Home is also where your favourite people are. I love both countries so much but Spain always more haha. In July I travelled again for the 4th time to Granada, one of my favourite cities in Spain. I have a good friend living there. My mother and I went to his appartment at the beach and also enjoyed the city itself. We always have an amazing time and I really can’t wait to go back!!!! ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŒŠ It’s a tradition to go each Summer but we don’t know if that will be possible this year. I also travelled to Gijรณn which is in Asturias for the first time in August with one of my best friends in Spain. We had such a great time. We enjoyed the beach, had great fiestas haha, eat delicious tapas, went shopping and had such a great girl time.

It was years ago since I went with a friend again on a holiday. I really missed it and I can’t wait to do it again. I still remember that night we met some cool guys which invited us for drinks without anything in return. No bad boys for once yeahhh. They were partying with us the whole night. It was so much fun. One of their friends was about to marry. I just can’t wait to travel again to new places in Spain and wherever in the world because travelling makes me so happy and most importantly, it makes me feel ALIVE!!!! You make new friends, have fun, learn about different cultures and learn more about life and this world we live in ๐ŸŒ.

Right now, I just submitted a story for a contest which is called ”A sea of words” just like my blog like what the hell?! The European Institute of the Mediterranean tagged me on a post in Instagram. Otherwise I would never have found it. My instagram for my blog is also called that way. It’s a contest which is every year and the topics can be about gender equality, climate change, environment or just anything related to make this world a better place. This year it was about young people faced with climate change in the Mediterranean and the 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development. First I wrote an essay but it wasn’t what they ask for so I had to change it into a story which was a bit more difficult. The story I wrote is about me being in the sea with my boat and then suddenly being stuck surrounded by plastic bottles. Then a man comes to help me and talks about how important it is to take action. I have always had that inner voice inside of me who says to take action and give some ideas. I already won an essay contest in 2015 and spoke at the United Nations in New York City ๐Ÿ—ฝ so I thought why not try again even though my inner critic is loud sometimes. The jury is now reviewing the stories. The 10 best winners will go to Barcelona at the end of September for free and will have a creative writing course and dicuss their ideas. It’s really so amazing. I will keep you informed if I win and if it’s even possible to travel.

A few days ago I also submitted my two poems ๐Ÿ“„ about vulnerability and strength for the organization MIND in The Netherlands. This organization helps people with mental health illnesses. My poems are about the sea and about being bullied and how that made me stronger and about accepting myself for the way I’m. The winner will be chosen online from the best 5 and the winner gets a poetry award. The 5 winners can speak their poem in an event. All these things make me super anxious and are so outside my comfortzone but I have to do it because I love writing and I know that I’m good at it. I have to stop bullying myself that I’m not good or smart enough. I will keep my fingers crossed โœŒ๐Ÿ™.

With all of these things I do and did in the past, I’m just being myself and embracing the person who I’m which loves to write, do yoga, sing, surf, travel the world, read and help other people and hopefully making this world a better place. I love La Pachamama!!! ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ˜ Thank you all so much for forming part of my life. Thank you all for being there for me in good and bad times. I love you all so much. I wish you all peace, love & happiness! Forever young, wild and free! โœŒ๏ธ We are all childs of the universe. This life is a gift โœจ Let’s hope this new year of life will be amazing too!

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I’m so happy to have you all in my life. Do you also join writing contests? Do you think 27 years is old? Do you think society creates rules for us? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Coronavirus: Is this a wake up call for the world?! ๐ŸŒ

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I know all we can talk about now in the world is the coronavirus (Covid-19). I wanted to post a blog post about some happy stuff such as some book reviews but I really need to talk about this. I have to describe my feelings and thoughts on it as I always do with important topics such as mental health, feminism, injustice in the world and other topics. I need to let my thoughts go and write it down here or I will feel that I explode ๐Ÿ˜ฅ. My mind is so full these days. I’m not doing okay.

So, I can’t sleep well anymore. I feel so bad and anxious. I’m crying every day ๐Ÿ˜ข. I don’t know how to cope. I have cramps in my stomach. It’s in times I didn’t felt so bad. This virus only increased my anxiety. How can I feel less anxious when the situation is getting worse every day and people are dying? I feel hopeless. There’s an outbreak of a pandemic in the world right now. The coronavirus feels like the flu but it’s worse because you have fever, cough and it effects your lungs. It all began in China in December. They eat a lot of strange food there such as living animals such as cats, dogs and whatever. My daddy said that the virus comes from bats. I’m of course not a doctor and don’t know much about viruses but all we know is that it’s spreading to every country. If I’m affected I could infect three other people.

I have sometimes health anxiety so I’m also a bit worried to get this virus to be honest. I think it’s normal that we are worried because our health is the most important thing in life. What I’m also worried about is the people who are vulnerable and the elderly people. My father for example has diabetics so it could be dangerous for him. What I don’t like about what’s happening now is that many people especially young people think oh only the old people die or the sick ones. That’s being so EGOISTIC. Writing this I feel tears in my eyes coming because I CARE. I care sometimes way too much about people, this earth and everyone because of being a highly sensitive person and also suffering from anxiety. I care about someone dying being 75 years old of coronavirus even though I don’t know that person. It could be your father, daughter, grandmother. Every one deserves a good life and deserves to live and be treaten well ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™.

Everything is cancelled right now ๐Ÿšซ. In The Netherlands there are no concerts, theater, cinema, sport events happening anymore and all schools are closed. I’m worried about that Eurovision in May will be cancelled too. I hope to go another day. I was so happy when this year began because of this event and good stuff. I’m worried about my friends in Italy being locked down. Spain has now declared an emergency state. I’m worried about my family and friends there. They only can leave the house for meds, work or to go to the supermarket. My mother and I are supposed to go in two weeks but that isn’t possible anymore. Tonight they closed the borders. It makes me sad to not be able to go as we never experienced this. None of us does. It feels lik a movie but it’s happening and it’s real. Scary stuff ๐Ÿ˜ข. I just hope we can enjoy Summer time ๐ŸŒž in Spain because otherwise I will get so depressed and anxious. I don’t like Summer in The Netherlands because the sun doesn’t shine that much. I’m just always so happy in Spain. Holy week in Spain is cancelled too. I would have to go to the dentist in Spain too but right now it isn’t an emegerncy as I have no pain.

I’m a highly sensitive person, an empath and suffer from anxiety. This is maybe not the best combination in the midst of the Coronavirus. I care always so much about others and everything that it all affects me emotionally. I suffer more but I also love more. I’m here for all the ones in need. You can always talk to me. We are not alone ๐Ÿ’ช We are all in this together.

I just got inspired to write this post too because of Melissa Wells. Maybe everything what’s happening now is a wake up call for the damn world. Care about the elderly. Help people in need. Think of the ones working in the hospital sector and supermarkts. I’m seeing also very good deeds this week such as people donating blood in Spain for the people who need it. Doctors from China are helping Italy and Spain with medical products. The supermarkets are almost empty here and also in the rest of the world. I don’t find that at all funny. Maybe this pandemic virus is a wake up call for the world like that we have to be more compassionate, less egostic and think of others. Don’t buy so much stuff in the supermarkets because then someone else can’t buy toilet paper or hand gel or food. Think more of others than of yourself.

All people think of nowadays is me, myself and I. It’s the wrong way. We are all human and we all long for the same things such as food security, love, safety and being healthy. I also feel that this lack of control and uncertainty is making me more anxious. All governments and society thinks about is money and power. I’m a hippie by heart and just never feel like I approve with the society we are living in. Maybe more people feel that way.

Citizens have to be responsible for their actions too. In Italy and Spain they aren’t allowed to go outside or have fun with friends in some bar. Take these measures seriously. Many young people can’t die from it, but if you do get infected you can make others infected like people who are in a vulnerable state or older people. Your actions could be the death of someone else. Buy responsibly ๐Ÿ›’. My mother wanted to buy paracetamol today and saw everyone being greedy and getting them. That isn’t the way to handle things in life. I saw a picture where Italy has almost no pollution in the air and is clear. You see, we can fight climate change all together ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿค—. I saw people donating loads of blood in Spain. Good things happen every day. We can all make a change in this world.

I will stay mostly at home now. It’s time to slow down. It’s time to help others and not think of me, myself and I. Let’s be compassionate, solidair and less egoistic. Follow the health instructions. Don’t buy everything you see in the supermarkets because then there will be nothing left for others. We have to be all strong together and help each other. We are all in this together. I’m also anxious right now but I hope this situation will be solved as long as we take all measures seriously. Wash your hands well and focus less on social media. I also have to watch less news as that only increase my anxiety and doesn’t solve anything. We will see what will happening the coming days. Stay safe at home ๐Ÿก, read books ๐Ÿ“š, blog, watch series and movies ๐ŸŽฌ, or listen to podcasts. There are so many nice things to do at home. We don’t always have to be outside to have fun.

It’s time that countries work together with each other to combate this pandemic of Coronavirus. We are all together in this. 2020 is the year that will change our view of the world because of this health crisis. We will make it out stronger and hopefully we will learn to be more responsible for this earth and for all its people ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ’•.

At the end, everything will be allright. Take care, stay safe and love because that will never be cancelled ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿค—โœจI’m here for you all. I love you all so much!

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. I hope it didn’t sound depressing. I just wanted to share the good and the bad like always. How do you feel about the Coronavirus? Are you anxious? How’s it in your country? What do you do to calm yourself down? I really need some support right now. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I just want to be truly happy

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I need to write some thoughts I have lately on my mind down here. I always am 100% honest and vulnerable because this is my safe space. I’m so thankful for all your support and for all of you being there for me ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’–. It means the most to me. Right now, I just don’t feel okay. It’s not like that I feel really bad but I’m also not feeling really good. It’s a strange feeling. I also have headaches and can’t wait to soak up some sunshine ๐ŸŒž when I will go again to Spain in two months. This grey and rainy weather affects my mood and mental health so much ๐Ÿ˜ข. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. I hope I’m not the only one feeling this way.

I feel lonely lately because I don’t leave the house much and if I leave the house I just go to the park or go shopping with my mother. I don’t see my friends a lot ๐Ÿ˜ข. I feel isolated and bored. They are all busy. I just see some friends here or in Spain a few times in a month. Sometimes I feel I do all the effort in friendship/relationships. I’m so done with that because I can’t do that anymore. I’m a highly sensitive person and all my life I have felt that I love and do more for others than people do for me. I’m the helper. I’m the fixer. It’s nice to help others but I also would love that people do the same for me. Of course, I’m so thankful for my family especially my mother and my good friends in real life and online who are always there for me ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™Œ.

I just wish to meet more people in real life too. I want to share my struggles and open up. I love to do it here online but sharing your stuff with a person face to face is the most vulnerable thing ever. It’s so good to do that and I really miss that right now in my life ๐Ÿ˜”. I love my pen pals, blogging friends and friends I know from the Yoga Girl community but those are all people living far away from me. I really would love to be able to teletransport myself so that we could be together having fun and talking about real life topics. I know one day that dream will become true even though it may cost some time ๐Ÿ™โœจ.

I also just feel like I’m just floating or trying to survive in life. I feel lost for so many years already and I just can’t see how to go out of that space. Lately I feel bored, uninspired and so tired about everything. I’m happy I faced my fear of going to the dentist last month in Spain but I still need to get three wisdom teeth out ๐Ÿฆท. I still need to face that fear three times more. I still need to get a job which just doesn’t seem to go well with me. I thought of maybe teaching kids English or Spanish. Life just feels like a never ending struggle. As I’m reading right now Looking for Alaska I feel that kind of struggle. It’s hard to feel it and to be in this space.

I also know that what I want from life is just to be truly happy. I want to be happy with myself. I have spend so many years being my own enemy that I’m done with it. It’s just to hard to heal in that way because whenever I feel anxious I doubt myself and say the worst things about myself. My inner-critic becomes loud and says that I’m not worth it, that I’m lazy for not having a job, that I’m not loved by anyone and that eventually everyone will leave me. This of course only makes me feel worse. Being bullied in high school caused me to have anxiety and these kinds of thoughts too. I have to listen more to my inner-bestfriend who tells me that I’m loved, worth it and that my worth has nothing to do whether I’m productive or not.

I also feel like I wouldn’t be happy with a 9 to 5 life or a routine. I feel like I would feel bored in one second. I want more out of life. I love adventure, travelling and meeting people which is sometimes a contrast of me having anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t form part of my personality even though sometimes I think it does because that voice gets so loud. The thing is that I have so many dreams but just never know how to make them happen because of insecurities, anxiety and just have no clue to make it all work. I would love to write a book ๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ“–, travel the world ๐ŸŒ, be able to surf the waves ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ๐ŸŒŠ and sometimes I even thought of being a singer. However, then I thought oh no that’s nothing for me because I don’t like attention. I don’t know if I would be happy if I would be famous.

Sometimes I love to isolate myself, hide myself, do yoga or meditation and just read books, write for my blog and write letters to my friends. There are also days that I like to go out, go to concerts with my friends and just have fun. I can be all of those things and don’t have to choose between one of another. I just wish I could really speak up more in real life and let myself seen. I have still a hard time doing that. I know it will make me happier in the long term.

Maybe we all know nothing of life and we are just trying to look like we have our life together when we don’t. Social media doesn’t give you a real view of what real life is. Sometimes I think of deleting it all as I tend to compare myself to others so much which ends up in feeling depressed and anxious of not having achieved certain milestones in life such as having a job, being married, having children and owning a car and a home. Then I always think to myself, is that what life is about? When you have all of that you are suppose to be “happy”. I really don’t know if all of that would make me happy to be honest.

Life for me is all about experiences, travels and connecting with wonderful people. I think what we miss right now in this society is trully being connected with someone and sharing our feelings. What I need right now is to be able to share my feelings and thoughts with someone. We all need to be able to laugh, cry, get a hug and have a real life connection. With the rise of social media this lack of connection is becoming a more serious issue. I love blogging and I love writing letters because the connection with someone is much stronger than writing a stupid whatsapp message. The next best thing is of course seeing that person. Maybe, that’s why I feel lonely too this month. I just wish that I can find my own happiness in life and achieve my dreams ๐ŸŒ . We all deserve to be happy. Anxiety will never win. I have to believe in myself more and know that I will achieve my dreams. Thank you all for always being there for me because really that means the most to me. One day I will give you the biggest hug ever. I love you all so much ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ’ž.

Thank you all for reading my blog post. I hope you liked it and it inspired you in some way. Do you also feel lost in life sometimes? How do you deal with it? Do you miss connection in your life too? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I faced my fear of going to the dentist for my wisdom teeth removal ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿฆท

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’ž,

This blog post is going to be so important for me because I have had this fear for three years almost and kept postponing it. This blog post is about my wisdom teeth removal which happened today ๐Ÿฆท. While my mother is sleeping and I’m resting in bad I’m writing this blog post. I’m also crying because I feel so relieved. I’m so proud of myself.

So today I faced one of my biggest fears in life which is going to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth out ๐Ÿฆท. One of them is out now. Still three to go but at least this is done. Gotta love Spanish dentists who understand my anxiety and who are just so lovely. Also never mind my face is big because of the anesthesia. You can see that on the picture below. I basically had no choice to go today because I don’t want anyone forcing me in Holland. It’s more expensive there and they also do it in the hospital. I find hospitals even more scary ๐Ÿ˜ข. It reminds me when my dad was there and almost died.

I got a trauma from going to the dentist for a root canal treatment in The Netherlands because I got called childish and 15 years old. That resulted in me having a panic attack. That’s not a good way to treat your patients. I know they are not all like that but that experience just made me soooo anxious. There are good and bad dentists and doctors everywhere. You just have to find the right one. Finding one you can trust is so important ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿคž It really makes you more calm which is exactly what I need. That’s the most important thing.

I was so anxious the past days. I couldn’t sleep well last night and kept feeling anxious and nauseous. Today I woke up crying and really didn’t want to go but I know I had to. It’s bad when a fear is keeping you from living your life for so long. It’s been three years and it’s a miracle that I didn’t have any infections just yet. My mother said today that they changed the appointment to 4 o’clock in the afternoon instead of 7 o’clock in the afternoon. In fact it was much better because I always wake up so late so it would make me have less time worrying, crying and being anxious. I almost didn’t eat because I didn’t want to vomit because of anxiety. I drank water, some cookies and that’s it. I also took half of Valium ๐Ÿ’Š.

I’m SO happy I went here in Spain. They are understanding and know how to deal with people who have anxiety. I took anti anxiety meds before. When I arrived at the clinic today they gave me a tila which is a Spanish tea to calm you down ๐Ÿต. I was like wow what a service thank you so much. Then they said the dentist wasn’t still there haha he was eating, lol typical Spanish times ๐Ÿ˜‚ Then it was time for me to do it. I almost didn’t felt the anesthesia. I remember from Holland that I felt it. They also give me something to squeeze haha a little shark ๐Ÿฆˆ . They calmed me down with some breathing exercises like breathing slowly. This definitely helps so much. I tasted something like pepermint which was nice. I closed my eyes too which was better they said. It was the dentist and a woman who helped him. They were both so friendly.

Then they said I would feel like a bee ๐Ÿ was pricking me but I almost felt nothing. That was done and then the dentist took the teeth away. My head was going left lol so I had to change my position and said sorry they were like no it’s okay. I’m always so used to say sorry for everything. I didn’t feel anything only that it took some strength to get that fucking wisdom teeth gone ๐Ÿ˜‚ That teeth was being mean haha but at the end the dentist won yeahhhh ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿคฃ Lucky man ๐Ÿ€ I saw it and he told me if I want to bring it home lol I said no way. Some people want to save it.

I didn’t even noticed the anesthesia at all. It was so smoothly all. In less than 15 minutes it was all down. I didn’t want that ๐Ÿฆท teeth so they threw it away ๐Ÿคฃ. I told them I love them very much and they said the same to me ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ญ. They said I was being really brave. Those words meant so much I could cry there. The dentist is also very handsome haha. That’s just a big plus ๐Ÿ’–. I’m not falling in love or am I lol cray cray ๐Ÿ˜‚. I would love to meet one day someone who would love me the way my dentist treated me today. I just want people in my life who treat me with kindness, compassion and understanding. I don’t ask for much more.

I have to go again next week to know if everything is okay and to know that I have no infections. I know it isn’t fun going to the dentist but maybe this experience will somehow also make me overcome this fear of the dentist. I feel like this is a learning like Yoga Girl would say. This is much more than just a wisdom teeth removal. This experience made me believe again in the good in people. I think in some way the universe is giving me all these experiences with good people to cover up all the bad experiences in the past like being bullied and having a broken heart.

Now, I got prescribed antibiotics, ibuprofen for pain and another medicine for darmflora because antibiotics can also have some side effects. I hope I won’t have too much pain and these meds will help ๐Ÿ™. I’m not a person who takes a lot of antibiotics. In The Netherlands they would not give you antibiotics. I also thought it’s strange to take that before I have an infection but it’s better. The health care system in Spain is really good and I love their professionality. I also love that it feels like you are talking with a friend lol ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’– I wouldn’t say in Holland that I love them so much. There you give the doctors a hand. Here my mother gave him two kisses wishing them happy new year ๐Ÿ˜‚๐ŸŽ‰. I think that also helps to decrease anxiety. I don’t like people being so serious. Life is already hard enough. We need more fun and laughs.

I don’t have to spit for a day and the meds I should take

Maybe this isn’t a big deal for some people but for me it is. I want to be real about my struggles in life online and in real life. I have been with this fear for so many years that I really feel a weight is off my shoulders. I know I’m not done with it but at least one ๐Ÿฆท is out byebye. I still have to get rid of three. Little by little they will be gone. This definitely increased my confidence. I’m so proud of myself. Anxiety didn’t win today. I won today ๐Ÿ’ช I called my daddy and he was really happy I went. I know my family wants best for us. He doesn’t want that I have an infection. Everything is well. I know my anxiety tells me so many stuff which isn’t true. At the end, this fear was worse than the thing itself. It’s always the same but that’s anxiety. I thought even that I was going to die or have a panic attack but nothing happened.

I’m thankful that there exists people who are human, understanding and have compassion because that’s really what this world needs ๐ŸŒ. We need more kind people. Kindness is never a weakness but a strength. I’m not afraid anymore to show my sensitivity because it’s makes me human. I know that there always will be good people ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–

I’m also so thankful for all the people who have always been there for me, my good friends, my family, all the people I met online like my lovely bloggers, pen pals, people from The Yoga Girl Community and The Goddess community. I couldn’t have done this without all of you. Thank you for your endless support. We can achieve anything we want with the help of others. We are never alone ๐Ÿ’– I’m so blessed to have you all in my life. We are all in this together ๐Ÿ’ช

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also have a fear which you keep postponing? Do you also had to get rid of a wisdom teeth? What do think of my story? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I’m so done people making choices for me

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I prepared another blog post but I think it has to wait. I really need to share my feelings and thoughts and I can only do it here in my safe space ๐Ÿ™. I’m in Spain right now and again I feel so bad. It feels like every time I’m in Spain now I get a mental breakdown ๐Ÿ˜ข. It’s horrible because it’s my fav place ever and I’m always so happy to be here. It’s heartbreaking that I’m again so sad, so anxious and so angry. I don’t want to feel bad in Spain again. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. It’s about people making choices for me. I’m sorry if this post is depressing but it’s just how I’m feeling. It’s also always when I feel the worst that I can speak the truth out loud in an authentic and vulnerable way. Maybe it will help others too who are feeling the same way. At the end, we all feel the same things just at different times. The picture below is me crying so hard. I just want to be really honest about that. Maybe it’s a cry of help but it just feels good to share on here.

The flight went well except that we had to walk so much because our luggage was in a different terminal. I’m exhausted from the trip to be honest. We ate some delicious pasta from the airplane, a bread with jamรณn serrano and I ate some delicious ๐Ÿ˜‹ yoghurt ice cream with smarties. We took the train to our home from Madrid. The bad stuff began when we talked with my family in The Netherlands.

I had an appointment for going to the dentist a few days ago in the afternoon and my mother in the morning for control. My family didn’t forget that and my mother said I wasn’t going that day but another day. I’m really exhausted. Then my family said well if you don’t go and come back to Holland then I will make an appointment to go there in the hospital. In Holland you can’t just go to a clinic or private thing because they aren’t specialized with getting wisdom teeth out. It cost more and you have to go to the hospital ๐Ÿฅ. The hospital makes me even more scared.

I said okay and we hang up. It was then when I felt so angry, anxious and sad. I can still feel my heart beating so fast ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ˜” I told my mother the most horrible things like I want to be dead. I wanted to run away and never come back. I slammed the doors so hard. Thank God nothing broke. I still feel bad. It’s not only the dentist thing which triggers me. It’s always people making decisions and choices for me in my life. Saying when I have to go to the dentist. Having to do things I don’t want to. I often do it because I’m a people pleaser. It’s not good. I’m so done with it. I’m always anxious of people being angry at me.

I don’t have the energy anymore. I really don’t. Yes of course I know I have to go to the dentist but just when I feel ready for it which is of course never because it’s a real phobia. I’m waiting for an infection silly me…. ๐Ÿ˜ข. I know our family wants the best for us but not in a good way sometimes. You can’t just force someone. I just would like to feel that sense of having some control over my life. Now I feel that others control my life. I feel obligated to go. It isn’t healthy for me that lack of control over my own life. It’s draining me.

Also clearly some people doesn’t understand my anxiety or any other mental illnesses. It’s so hard to feel so many feelings when someone just don’t understand you. I now I have to calm down but I feel like I don’t want to speak to anyone anymore. I don’t want to see anyone. How can I live my own life when I still feel others have so much influence on me? A few years ago I went to a mental health worker for anxiety and she told me that some people have too much influence on me. I really do love them all but I think she’s right because I just feel like I can’t make my own decisions which at the end makes me so unhappy and anxious in life. It’s important to be able to make your own decisions and live life the way you want.

I know I really have to go to the dentist but it’s just a big phobia I have. I don’t know how to overcome it. At the end all worries are in our mind and it’s nothing like I expect it. Then some people will say you see, you were afraid of nothing. Well, yes but that’s because I suffer from anxiety. That’s also the reason I don’t know if therapy would work for me because my family isn’t in favor of that. I also don’t know if that would benefit me. I just know that after 26 years living on this earth ๐ŸŒŽ it’s time for me to make decisions on my own.

Maybe, I also overreact now much more because I’m so exhausted and didn’t sleep well and enough last night. I also feel so lonely lately. I feel like some friends don’t understand me as well and ignore me. I get angry so easily. I’m not doing okay again and it hurts. I don’t want to see people who don’t care about me. I feel also like I’m hurting my mom which is the one I love the most in this life. It breaks my heart to see her suffering because of me ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข. I don’t want to die of course but I also don’t want to feel like this and live life this way because it hurts me.

Thank you for reading this post. I hope it made any sense. Sorry for the rant. I don’t even know why I’m always apologizing for feeling my feelings. I’m here for you all too โค๏ธ What do you think of all of this? Any advice? Do you also feel like others decide decisions for you in your life? I would really appreciate any thoughts, messages or advice ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™.

Love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

Merry Christmas to all of you! ๐ŸŽ„๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’ƒ๐ŸŒŸโœจ๐ŸŽ…

HO HO HO lovelies ๐Ÿ’ž,

In this blog post I will share some pictures of my Christmas, some thoughts about Christmas and wish you all a Merry Christmas ๐ŸŽ„. I’m still feeling a bit bad. Sometimes I have some cramps or pain in the right side of my stomach. I’m thinking that maybe it could be ovulation pain. My parents thought the same. I hope to feel better soon. At least I have less headaches and my throat is doing better again too. I also have had some problems with my blog as my posts don’t show up in the public reader when you search some tags. I don’t know why. Hopefully, anyone can help me out with this. I would really appreciate that. I was also packing before Christmas to go to Spain this weekend to be able to enjoy Christmas without stressing about that ๐Ÿ˜‚.

Now, let’s talk about Christmas time again. We can get pressured around this time of the year because we are bombarded with positive messages of being happy and of having to enjoy Christmas. While I’m a bit struggling with my health I find it difficult to just be happy because I have to do. I think that’s an unrealistic thought. We have to enjoy Christmas on our way. Do what you love to do. Spend time with your loves ones. Eat what you want to eat and don’t feel any pressure by it. I’m here for anyone who needs it ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ™. It’s okay if your Christmas isn’t happy or if you are struggling. I’m here for you and wish you all the love you need. You are not alone.

This time of the year always makes us reflect on this past year. It make us think of all the people we love. It can make us feel sad and happy. This time of the year can be a hard time for those who are missing someone. I’m thinking of those who are struggling these days with their mental health, physical health or any other struggle of life. You are in my prayers ๐Ÿ™โœจ .

I also really do think that Christmas is about giving and don’t like the consumism and materalism stuff ๐ŸŽ. We don’t have much presents with Christmas because we already celebrated Sinterklaas before. I got amazing presents which you can read in this blog post. I always like to give money for charities and help others in need, not only during Christmas time. A few days ago I donated โ‚ฌ15 for Prinses Mรกxima Centrum which is a hospital dedicated for children with cancer in The Netherlands. I hope my money can help the investigation to make more children better. I also know a little child who has leucemia and is being treated there. She’s a little child, only 6 years old. I know them because of my choir. I wish that she and every little child can get better. They all deserve that so much. I think it’s so important to donate money to good charities and help people in need.

I encourage anyone to give something back this Christmas and whenever you can. Christmas isn’t all about presents, food and all that materialistic stuff. Christmas is about making other people happy and being there for people who need it the most ๐Ÿ’• Make a change and please donate to any charity you like. You will be so thankful and happy that you did. You can also help someone without giving money but give them your time, love and showing them your heart. If someone you know or a stranger is struggling, be there for them. Be the light in those dark times ๐Ÿ’ก. Everyone needs someone sometimes.

I will give this love and light this time to the ones I love and to the ones who need it. We can be each other lights. We can give that light to someone who’s struggling in the darkness. Be that light for someone in need. If that could safe someone’s life and make them feel better then that’s all what counts. There’s nothing what makes me more happier than seeing someone smile because of something I did or some words I said. I wish all of you so much happiness that your heart will glow from golden glitter.

Christmas time for me begins on the 23th of December because it’s such a special date before Christmas. It makes me cry writing and thinking about it ๐Ÿ˜ญ. It’s the wedding anniversary of my parents ๐Ÿ’’. This year they are already 43 years married. I wish them many more years of happiness, luck and love to come. I love them so much ๐Ÿ˜. They are the best parents I could wish for. Thank you mama and papa for always being there for me and for making me believe that real love exists. I’m so blessed to have them in my life. I really can’t live without their love. When I think of someone dying I cry and panic but I have to tell myself to live in the present and that everything is okay now. My daddy was so sick and almost died when I was 11 years old because of an infection in his pancreas and many complications so this universe give him a new opportunity to live. I’m so thankful for that. In the evening my parents are going to the cathedral with an old lady they know. My mother used to clean her house. I used to sing “The nine lessons and carols” but I’m not in that choir anymore. I don’t go because sometimes I get anxiety because of memories. I always use this time to enjoy a bath ๐Ÿ›€ with a Lush bath bomb and paint my nails ๐Ÿ’…. I love to get ready for Christmas and take time for myself. I need me time.

The 24th of December we always celebrate Christmas with the family but this time we celebrated it with the whole family on the 26th which is boxing day. It’s the Second Day of Christmas in The Netherlands. On Christmas Eve my brother Rafael and Verรณnica came to our house and we ate a delicious simple meal. This time my brother, his wife, me and my mother aren’t going to the cathedral but to the church near to our house for the mass. It’s really a tradition to go to church with Christmas ๐ŸŽ„โ›ช. I’m Catholic but don’t know if I believe in God but yes I believe in something, in the universe for sure. There’s a beautiful choir singing. I always feel more safe in this church as it’s more familiar. I don’t want to see all people I know asking questions about my life like when I go to the cathedral. The mass was beautiful. It always makes me feel the Christmas spirit.

I also always wear this Christmas costume like Santa Claus because I enjoy wearing it. My bestie said haha are you going to wear again that wore dress?! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคถ Lol, it’s a bit short that’s why she said that. I never wear it outside though haha it’s way too cold for that. It makes me feel sexy and beautiful. I still can wear it so yeah I enjoy to wear it at home. My family also loves it especially my 4 year old niece. It’s a tradition for me to always wear it until I don’t fit it.

On Christmas day the 25th I enjoyed watching some Christmas movies ๐ŸŽฌ with my parents. Maybe my mother and I would go to the appartment of my brother to see their Christmas tree. The next day, on Boxing Day we celebrated Christmas with the whole family which means with my parents, my two brothers and their wifes and my little niece. We ate a delicious meal which was some meat, potatoes with different sauces and salad. As dessert we had fruits, red fruit mascarpone ice cream ๐Ÿจ and also blackberry juice which my father makes. I loved that so much as it’s very special and so sweet ๐Ÿ˜. His mother also made it when she was alive so the tradition continues. We had such a nice and peaceful time together.

I had a beautiful Christmas time. I also want to say thanks to the mother of my ex lol because we always sent present to her and she to us. It’s already 7 years ago when he broke up with me during Christmas time but I’m finally these last years a bit happy with Christmas and don’t feel that dark cloud so much because of that horrible memory when I felt my world breaking in pieces ๐Ÿ’”. I’m thankful for her beautiful presents which will arrive a week later. I’m also thankful for all the Christmas cards I got from pen pals, blogging friends, friends and family ๐Ÿ’–. I feel all your love. I’m also thankful for the presents I got from Elsie. I loved your presents so much. She sent me this beautiful notebook and the presents you can see below. Thank you Sophia for your amazing presents too. I loved the nail polish as I really need some new ones as most of them are dry haha. I also loved the plate and the wallet. Turqouise is such a beautiful colour. I’m really blessed to be friends with you all. From my brother and his wife I got snowman marshmallows ๐Ÿ˜โ›„ I love to put them in a cup of hot chocolate. It’s delicious ๐Ÿ˜‹

I hope you all will enjoy a beautiful Christmas with the ones you love ๐Ÿ’–. Merry Christmas to all of you! I wish you all love, happiness and luck. I’m so blessed to be part of this beautiful community. I think that’s the best Christmas present I could wish for. Be safe lovelies and enjoy Christmas time on your own way.

Thank you for reading this blog post about Christmas time ๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ…โœจ. I hope you all liked it. How do you celebrate Christmas? Did you enjoy it? What are some traditions you do on Christmas? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

Sinterklaas haul yeahhh ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’ž

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Today I will share with you all a nice Sinterklaas haul ๐ŸŽ. We celebrated Sinterklaas last Friday at my brother’s appartment with the family. It’s a typical Dutch celebration. I always am looking so forward to this celebration all year long ๐ŸŽ‰. The official day of the celebration is the 5th of December but we celebrated it on the 6th. They say that Sinterklaas is a saint which comes from Spain ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ธ in a boat. If you have been a good child you would get presents. If not, they would make pepernoten of you which are some Dutch sweets and you would be put into the zak van Sinterklaas which goes to Spain hahaha. Some people make surprises on this day, hide presents and make poems. Our family just buys presents for each one of us. I’m excited to share with you all the amazing stuff which I got this year.

A yoga mat!!! ๐Ÿง˜โ€โ™€๏ธ

Finally, I got a yoga mat ๐Ÿ™โœจ. I’m so happy with it. I really hope to use it much at home. I love to practise yoga with Adrienne on Youtube. I have to do it more. I only took some lessons in my life and I really want to go to some lessons when I have more money. The yoga mat is pink and from a real Yoga brand. I don’t know which one because my brother and his wife didn’t told me hahah. It was a nice surprise. It was put into a big box of Samsung and my brother wrote Samsung unstoppable as it’s that slogan. I really do love this yoga mat as it’s beautiful so I really need to get myself on the mat now. My biggest inspiration alive is Yoga Girl ๐Ÿ˜ and I love the Yoga Community. I hope to be able to go to one of her lessons and also go on a retreat in Aruba ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡ผ one day. This is already the first step in making my dream come true. Now, I want to practise it more and become better in it. It could also help me with my back pain and it’s so good for your mental health too. It would make me feel more calm like meditation also does.

Flow magazines ๐Ÿ“š

In the box where the yoga mat was in there were also 5 Flow magazines. I love the Dutch and Belgian Flow magazine. It’s so creative and inspiring. I love the quotes and the stories written. You can find stories of mental health, how to live a simple life, tips to increase happiness and many other inspiring stories. It’s about letting life flow without any hurry and staying in the present moment. With the magazine also come free goodies such as a laptop sticker, notebook, quotes, little cards, stationery. I love that so much.

Flow tear-off calendar ๐Ÿ—“๏ธ

I love those kinds of calendars so much. I always have one in my room. This year I had one of The Bucketlist with quotes and things to do. This year I have again one from Flow ๐ŸŒธ. It isn’t only a magazine, they sell lots of stationery and other things too like this amazing calender. I love the quote on it “It is all about finding calm in the chaos”. This year it comes full of inspiring quotes, advice, photography, life lessons, insights, tips and pages about mental health, psychology and lifestyle. It’s great to begin the day with reading something inspiring โœจ.

Flow book for paper lovers ๐ŸŒธ๐Ÿ˜

THIS IS DEFINITELY ONE OF MY FAV PRESENTS EVAH!!! ๐Ÿ˜ This book from Flow is so amazing and really heaven for any stationery lover. It cointains beautiful writing paper, stickers, quotes, cards, posters and even wrapping paper for presents. I already have one at home but this is the seventh edition which contains much more beautiful and amazing stationery.

Christmas tree pen ๐ŸŽ„๐Ÿ–‹๏ธ

This is a beautiful Christmas tree pen I got. It even has some things on it like little bells haha ๐ŸŽ…. It’s really cute! Maybe it’s a bit difficult to write with it but it could be a nice decoration too.

Advent candle ๐Ÿ•ฏ๏ธ

I got a beautiful hearts advent candle. I love it so much. Anything with hearts is always a must have! I’m the queen of hearts and have loads of stuff in my room with hearts. Yes, I’m that romantic and sensitive girl. The only bad thing is that we use electronic candles at home because my parents are afraid to use real candles โœจ. I still hope to use this one one day hahah ๐Ÿ˜‚.

Chocolate advent calendar ๐Ÿ—“๏ธ๐Ÿซ

I love to have a chocolate advent calendar ๐Ÿ˜. I can’t begin December without one. I have now two because my daddy also got me one when I came back from Spain. That one is a bit messed up because the chocolates got messed up but well now I can eat even more chocolate every day. I have to be careful I don’t get sick of too much chocolate.

Chocolate heaven ๐Ÿซ๐Ÿซ๐Ÿซ

I got so much delicious chocolate. I love it so much. It’s typical to get letters of chocolate. I have got money out of chocolate, two chocolate letters with the letter C (one is with white chocolate with sea salt and the other one with milk), a white chocolate of Sinterklaas, spice nuts also called kruidnoten in The Netherlands with milk chocolate and white chocolats. I also got milk chocolate pralines in a beautiful package. Lastly but not least, I got a delicious marzipan with chocolate. I think I have enough chocolate now haha. Chocolate is just the best and a girl’s best friend โค๏ธ๐Ÿ‘Œ.

Pickwick Joy of tea – Green tropical ๐Ÿต๐Ÿ’ž

Of course, I got tea as I love to drink tea so much. I love to drink Yogi tea which always comes with a quote. I like to try different teas ๐Ÿ’–. This one is from Pickwick and it’s green tropical. It contains ginger, pineapple, coconut and lemon. I think this will be a delicious one.

Christmas socks ๐ŸŽ„

I love these Christmas socks from Primark so much. One pair is with a reindeer on it with little balls and the other one has Christmas balls and rings on it. I love them and I’m sure they are also very cozy.

A mug to paint ๐ŸŽจ

In Spain I have another mug that I still need to paint. Now, I got another mug to paint ๐Ÿ’–. This one is a beautiful swan ๐Ÿฆข. I love to be creative so this would be a nice thing to do as I’ve never done this before. When the painting is finished you have to let it dry in the microwave. I hope it doesn’t explode lol ๐Ÿ˜‚.

Squeeze animal ๐Ÿ˜

This is the squeeze animal I lost in Granada this Summer. I had it in my bed in the hotel but the cleaners threw it away without knowing. It made me really sad. I’m happy to have got the same one back. It’s so cute and it’s good to squeeze it when I’m stressed. It makes me feel more calm ๐Ÿ’œ.

Beauty products ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿšฟ

I got a pink Batiste Dry Shampoo which is the one of Blush – floral and flirty haha. I love it but I also have to use it a bit less because otherwise my hair feels sometimes a bit dry. It’s good for my bangs as that easily gets oily which I don’t like. I also got a Vogue Girl Deodorant. I love the cats one ๐Ÿ˜ป. It smells so good.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you liked my Sinterklaas haul. Which present was your favourite of mine list? Did you love the stationery I got? What’s on your Christmas list this year? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Struggling so much with my mental health ๐Ÿ˜ข

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I’m always honest and 100% vulnerable about my journey of mental health especially on my blog like I said in this blog post. In real life it’s much more difficult to be open about it because I still feel not everyone understands it. There is still a taboo surrounding mental health. People are getting more open but it will still take a lot of time for people to understand that we can get physically but also mentally ill and that there’s no shame to admit that we are struggling. It takes a lot of courage to be open so that’s what I’m going to do right now in this post. I will tell you how I’m feeling because letting these words out make me at least feel less alone. Even writing all of this takes me too much effort ๐Ÿ˜ข.

So, to be honest I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel so hopeless. I’m not okay. I can’t see any point of living anymore in life. I feel like I’m getting depressed. I’m not in danger because I know I never would do something to harm me. I’m just exhausted to go through life while feeling anxious for everything I have to face all the time. I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. I know maybe asking for help would help. I just don’t know if therapy would really help me because I keep thinking of the time I had some form of therapy, 7 sessions and had to vomit every time and my anxiety even got worse…. I still have anti anxiety medication at home from when I got it subscribed by the doctor in Spain. My mother uses diazepam which she also sometimes can give me when I feel really bad. I know the medication benzodiazepines can be addictive but when you use it whenever you need it I guess it’s okay. I mean why are people always saying those bad and negative stuff about using medication for a mental illness when there are people taking medication for their physical health every day? There has to be no difference in this.

I know I’m doing bad because I don’t leave the house often. I can’t sleep good at night and my routine is a mess. I get anxious outside sometimes seeing so much people. Last week I went to a shopping mall and I got anxious in the bus twice. It felt like I couldn’t breath. I was happy to go outside the bus and walk home with my mother. I’m just always so afraid to get a panic attack because it’s the worst. I don’t want to go through that again. The thing is that the more I worry about that, the more it will likely to happen I think. I’m just so anxious about going to the dentist. I think that’s also now the underlying reason of all my anxiety. I keep postponing it when I have an appointment next month in Spain. I’m the most afraid to loose control and to experience a panic attack. I’m so done with experiencing the waves of anxiety. I’m still struggling with finding a job too as I don’t know how to face people and get only rejections. I just want to hide in my bed under a blanket forever. Unfortunately, I know that can’t happen but I still do it most of the time.

I really don’t know what to do to move forward in my life. I lost my hope and will to live. I’m not in crisis and I know I won’t do anything to harm myself. I just don’t know how to come out of this black hole I’m in. Anxiety keeps me from doing the things I love which means following my dreams. My whole existence cause me anxiety. Sometimes I experience anxiety for no reason. I could sit on a chair watching tv and feel that knot in my stomach and that sense of fear. It’s so hard to live your life that way. People sometimes ask me what gives me anxiety and the answer to that question is everything, this life. Sometimes I think anxiety is part of me but I have to know that I have it and that it’s not part of my personality but sometimes it feels that way.

Last night I experienced one of the worst moments of suffering from anxiety. I felt nauseous and was afraid to throw up. That always cause me even more anxiety because I keep thinking no don’t throw up. I had cold and hot flashes. I felt so bad, so bad. I deactivated FB again as social media only give me more anxiety right now and can’t deal with it. I wrote a message on FB of how I was doing and got some nice caring comments from people I care about but my heart was beating so fast then because I’m afraid to open up to people who know me. Here on this blog it’s different. At the end, I slept in my mother’s bed because there I feel more safe with her. I also took valium 4mg which she also takes. It helpt me feeling more calm and be able to sleep. I could finally sleep 11 hours. I just don’t know how to travel back to Holland in a few days in this state. I’m so afraid to get a panic attack or feel this way because it feels like I’m dying. Of course, I know it isn’t true but it’s just the worst thought. My mother already said how powerful our minds are. It’s so scary to be honest ๐Ÿ˜ข. I wish to buy new funcional brains. If someone knows where to buy them, I will buy them in a quick second even if they have to come from Ebay China lol ๐Ÿ˜‚

I’m also a highly sensitive person who suffer from anxiety. It gets harder because I’m already so sensitive for everything. I suffer and cry more but I also love more. I can cry about everything. I get hurt easily when someone says a mean comment. I overthink a lot. I also empathize much more to other people, care about others and love deeper. I’m compassionate and creative. There are a lot of good things I also am but right now I focus too much on the negative things like I can’t do anything right in life.

Yesterday I listened to a podcast of Yoga Girl which was very inspiring and interesting. It was about how this world always value a person when we produce something. If you are working and producing to society you are worthy of love. It feels like we have to be worthy and to be seen when we are succeeding. There is so much wrong in that. I really do wish I could live a life I’m happy of and work in a job which I love but honestly right now I can’t because I’m sick. Capitalism is just so bad. We have to know that we are always worthy of love and that we aren’t alone. We are not what we produce. What matters is not what I do but who I’m. Those words of Yoga Girl sticked in my head and it relates well to this blog post. We are so much more than our jobs, the things we do in life. We are a person with feelings. We are human and we deserve all the love. We are not less than someone else just because we aren’t studying/working because we are physically, mentally or chronically ill. It’s not our fault.

I really wish to get better one day as it’s so exhausting to go through life while feeling anxious all the time. Recovery isn’t lineal and takes a lot of time. I just really don’t like to feel nauseous, dizzy, feeling like I can’t breath or feeling like I have no control over my body and mind. I also believe from what I said earlier that it’s okay to take a break from life. It’s okay to not study/work when you are ill. You deserve to take a rest. Nowadays it seems like being busy is the most important thing in life because of capitalism. It’s all about buying and doing when we just forget to live, to be still and present with our feelings and thoughts.

Always remember, we aren’t alone. We are all in this together. No matter how though life gets we will get through the other end. We will see the light after all the darkness. One step at a time.

Thank you all for reading this honest post about how I’m doing right now ๐Ÿ˜ข. It took me a lot of courage to write this post. What would you advice me to do? What do you do in hard times? How are you feeling right now? I’m always here for you all. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

World Mental Health Day 2019, you are never alone ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ’—

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Today is a very important day in the world ๐ŸŒ. October the 10th is World Mental Health Day. I write about this every year as I find it so important. You can find my post of 2017 here and my post of 2018 here. I never want to write exactly the same every year because otherwise it would be borring haha. I suffer from a mental illness which is anxiety. They say 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness in their lives at one point. Suicide rates are really high and statistics have shown that there are more men who die by suicide than women. This is really shocking to know. I also read it in this article of BBC news. Today I’m going to talk about mental health stigma, anxiety and mental health related to gender.

To begin with, we all have mental and physical health. Our brains work together with our whole body. Some ignorant people still forget that. When I feel anxious I begin to have negative thoughts about life and death. I feel like I can’t move on in life. Right now, I’m again struggling with my mental health. I also think it’s because of the change from Summer to the Winter months. I never deal well with having less sunshine and daylight ๐Ÿ˜ญ. I can’t understand why people don’t understand that our body and mine are one and that everything is connected. So, when I begin to have unrealistic thoughts and think about all the bad things which can happen if I do a certain thing then I already begin to feel anxious. This means that I begin to feel nauseous, dizzy, feel my heart beating really fast, feel my breath becoming faster and just feel so bad. This eventually can get worse which can result in having a panic attack, totally feeling out of control and in my case also having to vomit. What I fear the most is going through that again and it just feels like I’m going to die.

We are all living in the 21th century. It’s 2019 and there are still people who feel like it’s okay to judge someone who is struggling with their mental health. I really can’t understand that. How can that be possible?! It makes me sad but most of all it makes me so angry ๐Ÿ˜ก. Life is though for everyone of us. We all deal with our own problems and struggles in life. I really do believe life is even thougher for someone going with a mental illness. The mind plays with us which makes it dangerous. How can someone say to one who is dealing with an eating disorder that they just have to eat a bit more or eat less? Why do people say to someone who is going through anxiety to just be happy and stop worrying? How they hell can people say to just go out of bed when someone is struggling with a severe depression? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT ๐Ÿ™„. Some people don’t know what it’s like to go through a mental illness because they have never gone through it but there are also some other people who just want to hurt others with their hurtful comments.

I just had to say this because I’m done with these comments. I’m done hearing from a “friend” say to me that I don’t try hard enough to get a job and move on in life. I’m done with hearing I’m lazy because I sleep a lot. I’m done hearing to snap out of it because I just can’t. Having a mental illness is a complex and difficult think to have and for others to understand. I don’t even understand my brain so how can someone help me when I can’t explain it either. If I could snap out of it all then I would already have done it. Give me that magic bottle of that witch ๐Ÿง™โ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ”ฎ and I will drink it all. WHOEHOEEE NO ANXIETY ANYMORE I’M SO HAPPY. Well, unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. I really wish it would be that simple. I’m not going to therapy and still don’t know if I will go one day. I already said a few posts ago that I went to a woman who wasn’t a real psychologist a few years ago and had to vomit every time I had to go. I told it to her and she said it could be that I just don’t want to let myself seen. It’s really true. I hide myself all the time. I always avoid everything I fear and everything what makes me uncomfortable such as going to the dentist and other social situations. I also don’t know if therapy would really work for me. I don’t know if I will ever be free of anxiety. If I talk about anxiety, I get anxious. For me, what would be helpful is talking about the things I struggle with while taking action. Solving problems and thoughtful thinking.

Therapy isn’t for everyone as well as medication isn’t good for everyone. Natural medication doesn’t help my anxiety as I have tried lots of stuff such as St. John’s Wort and Valerian Root. I also took for two years a low dose of antidepressants just 20mg and it didn’t work as I think it was too less. What works for me is an anti anxiety medication such as Valium or Bromazepam. I only take this when I feel high anxiety or when I’m close to a panic attack. I know it isn’t good to take it often but sometimes you just need it. Taking medication for a physical health illness is okay so why would it be shameful to take something for our mental illness? Our mental health is as important as our physical health.

What for me also helps in dealing with anxiety is doing the things which makes me happy to be alive such as my passions. I love loads of things. As Taylor Swift says, we are the things we love ๐Ÿ’—. I love writing, reading good books ๐Ÿ“š, blogging (of course lol!), singing ๐ŸŽถ, surfing ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ, listening to music, swimming in the sea, having fun with my friends and family, photography and travelling. What I also love is following people like on this blog or on Instagram who make me feel good about myself and who inspire me. I love to follow artists such as Ariana Grande, Julia Michaels, Talor Swift, Duncan Laurence, Aitana, Alfred Garcรญa, Rosalรญa, Amaia, Sofia Ellar, Alvaro Soler, Ed Sheeran, Passenger and many more who make me happy and who align with my being โœจ. I also love Yoga Girl her postcasts so much and everything she does for this world. She’s my biggest inspiration in life ๐Ÿ˜. I really am so happy to have these people in my life as they make me so happy. I wish to meet them all (I met some of them) and enjoy their concerts live.

I really do believe that having a community such as the blogging community, Yoga Girl community or pen pal community makes our life better. Being surrounded by people who make us feel good about ourselves is so important as it can make us feel less alone. It makes us feel that we belong somewhere and that everything we feel is real and valid ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’—. I love to be honest, vulnerable and sensitive. I really do believe that the only way we can heal our hearts is with opening our hearts and share all the ugly and beautiful things in life. We heal the world with healing ourselves first. All my friends in real life or online, my family or the people I follow on social media are honest about themselves. I only crave real connections in life. I’m done with all those fake people with their fake bodies and lives. That only makes me feel worse especially when I feel anxious.

What I would like to see in the upcoming year and all the years which have to come is that we all can talk openly about our mental health and mental illnesses. I would like people to be more compassionate and show empathy. We need that in order to speak up. When you see someone struggling, be there for that person. Sometimes we need advice but sometimes all we need is someone who says that they will be there for us and give us a hug. It’s the little things which count. I also would like that society treats women and men equally in this subject of mental health. Men are not less a man because they show their emotions or because they have to cry. Women are not crazy for showing their emotions or for being more emotional. We all show our emotions in our own ways and are equal. Hopefully then the rates of suicide will be less.

I also do believe we all need the help we deserve. Going through a mental illness can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what your nationality is or what gender you have. It can effect anyone of us at any moment in our lives. There needs to be better treatment available which makes asking for helping easier. The waiting lists has to change, people need to get good help after being in crisis, and just a lot of other things need to change in this system so that it can be available for everyone. People with a low income or those who are unemployed also have to get the help they need. It breaks my heart to see how in some countries there are people struggling with their mental health with no help at all ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข.

Always remember that you are loved and that you are not alone in this. Every day is world mental health day. Let’s stay together to end this taboo of mental health stigma. We arenโ€™t crazy in our minds. We are sick. We all need help, support and compassion. To raise awareness about world mental health day you can donate money to a mental health organization, you can draw a circle on your hand with the hastag #iamwhole or wear something yellow with the hastag #helloyellow and post it on social media. Let’s do this all together ๐Ÿ’ชโค๏ธ

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. Thank you for always being there for me like I will always be there for you all too. We are all in this together. Which mental illness do you suffer from? What helps you to feel better? What do you think of the mental health stigma? What do you think has to improve in the mental health system? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

September favourites ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿฅง

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

September has flown away already! It’s time for another favourites post of all the nice things I did in September. Even though I feel bad right now and I’m struggling with my mental health I find it important to look back on the positive things that happened each month. There always things to be grateful for even though we may feel bad in that moment ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™. It helps to bring at least a bit of light into the dark times. It rained a lot in The Netherlands last week and in Spain it’s sunny. The transition from Summer to the Winter months also makes me go into a bad mood. I’m just a Summer girl forever and want to live under the palmtrees at the beach forevah ๐Ÿ–๐ŸŒŠ๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒด. Yeah, that’s me always day dreaming. Hopefully one day I can make that dream come true. However, in September I enjoyed the fiestas of Valladolid, celebrated both my parents birthdays, bought beautiful stationery and ate some delicious food.

Things I did with my family ๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ง:

My daddy’s 70th birthday ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‚๐ŸŽˆ

I had a cold on his birthday so we didn’t went to a restaurant in Spain like we planned to go. Instead we went to El Corte Inglรฉs shop and ate a delicious sandwich with ham & cheese ๐Ÿฅช together with potatoes ๐ŸŸ. My mother drank wine, my daddy had a beer and I drank some tea haha give me all the tea.

I’m so thankful you are still here daddy. Writing these words out loud makes me feel emotional and make me have tears in my eyes ๐Ÿ˜ข. Life would be so different if you would have died when I was 11 years old. It’s been more than 10 years since you left the hospital. Thank God you left it. I remember you saying that it’s your second home ๐Ÿก. I’m happy you aren’t living in your second home anymore. My father had an infection in the pancreas and had to go through to 6 operations together with all the complications he suffered. It was a horrible time. Now he has diabetis. However, we still make jokes about how he lives without many organs ๐Ÿ˜‚ It’s a miracle. Love you so much! ๐Ÿ’—

Eating fondue with the family for both my parents birthdays ๐Ÿด๐Ÿ’—

We celebrated my mother’s birthday and my father’s birthday which was earlier this month together in The Netherlands too ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‚๐ŸŽˆ Two birthdays in one day! I bought this amazing cake delivered and made by @greetz.nl ๐Ÿ˜ It turned out so well and it was also so delicious ๐Ÿ˜‹. It’s a pie with whipped cream, chocolate and strawberries. The picture you can see is from the wedding of my brother last year. I also made some beautiful cards for my parents. They loved it so much. I love to be creative yeahhh. It’s always great to be with the family all together celebrating birthdays. The fondue was delicious like always. We also ate vanilla ice cream and fruits. Het was heel gezellig haha like we say in Dutch. Love you all ๐Ÿ’—

Bike trip to the Cruquius for my mother’s birthday ๐Ÿšฒ

You may think we celebrate all our birthdays in the family 10000 times hahah well it’s true ๐Ÿ˜‚. My daddy always says my birthday is not just one day but a whole month lol. We had fondue on Saturday and Sunday the 22th of September was the official birthday from my mother. On that day it was so sunny and like 24 degrees. We went biking to a place where you take a ferry boat to the other side. It’s for free and we always give the volunteers some money. Then they always ring the bell. We drank a delicious mint tea ๐Ÿต in the restaurant. Afterwards, went biking to home as you can also take the bridge to the park and go home. I love living by a great park. Nature is the best natural medicine in the world. It always makes me so happy.

Enjoying a delicious tiramisu ๐Ÿฅง

Last week I enjoyed a delicious tiramisu as dessert with my mother and a friend in the restaurant De Molenplas which is in the park. I loved it! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‹ I really like to eat only the desserts haha ๐Ÿ˜‚ It was a delicious tiramisu pie with lemon ice cream, grapes, dragon fruit, chocolate sauce, whipped cream and berries. My mother and the friend ate a delicious apple pie. We also drank a nice mint tea which is one my fav flavours of tea.

Pie and shopping time in the Hema ๐Ÿฅง๐Ÿ›๏ธ

I bought some nice stationery in the Dutch shop The Hema ๐Ÿ˜. It’s definitely one of my favourite shops. The stationery is beautiful. I bought some nice stickers with a mermaid theme and aaah I love it so much. It has mermaids ๐Ÿงœโ€โ™€๏ธ, sea shells and seahorses on it. I also bought washi tape of this theme. I also bought some design paper. It’s beautiful as it contains gold paper with glitter, blue paper with glitter and also other pages with stars and flowers. I can use that for my pen pals and write some nice quotes on it. I really love beautiful paper. My mother and I also enjoyed some delicious pie with a cup of tea. I had a chocolate pie and my mother had a strawberry one.

Watched some nice movies with my parents ๐ŸŽฌ

I love to watch movies downstairs with my parents especially when it’s getting colder as the living room is very cozy. We watched Boyhood but only until the half of it as I got scared when I saw a man being angry. I don’t want to say some spoilers. I’m a highly sensitive person so I can’t watch scary movies because it makes me anxious. However, later I watched the movie in my room and it was okay. I expected somehow more of the movie as it won some prizes as an Oscar. It’s the story of a 6 year old boy who you see growing up. I loved to see the people growing up in the movie and there were some beautiful quotes at the end. It’s just that the movie takes 3 hours and there isn’t an important plot like in other movies.

“You know how everyone’s always saying seize the moment? I don’t know, I’m kinda thinking it’s the other way around. You know, like the moment seizes us.”

I also watched the movie Brave which is such a lovely animated movie ๐Ÿ’—. I really loved the music so much, the story of the princess who don’t want to marry the prince but just want to go wild and do archery ๐ŸŽฏ. Then she runs away from the house and some magical things happen. I loved to see Merida being brave as I really do hope to be brave one day too suffering from anxiety. Lastly, I also saw the Spanish documantary Lots of kids, a monkey and a castle. It tells us the story of Julita and I find it really hilarious. She is such a great actress. This documentary also won a lot of prizes and I’m really glad about that. In one point in the documentary they have to leave the castle where they were living so they have to move all their stuff to their home which is way too much ๐Ÿ˜‚. The family is also seraching for the vertebra of Julia’s grandmother in their house. She was killed during the civil war in Spain.

Fun afternoon with my mother at the shopping mall ๐Ÿ›’๐Ÿ’—

While I was in Spain I won a prize for a free Subway menu for me and my mother. The people of the FB site said to me that it wasn’t a problem to use it now in September. So, last week we went to Subway and this man sounded grumpy and said like it was too late but he made an expection for us. I always am afraid that people are angry at me but that’s just because I’m sensitive about everything always ๐Ÿ˜ข. I was happy that we still could enjoy the menu. They didn’t told us that we had to go there between two weeks. Anyways, we had a delicious menu with a Sub 30cm with chicken, salad, olives, vegies, tomato and as sauce sweet onion. We really loved it so much ๐Ÿ˜ . I had a rainbow cookie and my mother a chocolate one. I drank green ice tea and my mother sparkling water with lemon. It was all so delicious.

I also did some shopping ๐Ÿ›’. My mother bought me beatiful nail polish of the colour light green, blue with glitters and a pink lipgloss. It was all on sale in the Hema. We also went to my favourite shop which is Action and bought some nice stationery. You can never have enough. I bought some beautiful colourful hobby carton, cardboard patters full of hearts, ice creams, donuts and other cute stuff, and a map where I can put all stickers, notes and quotes I get from my lovely pen pals.

Things I did with my lovely friends ๐Ÿ’—:

Receiving a beautiful pen pal letter from Chloe โœ’๏ธโœ‰๏ธ

I always LOVE to receive pen pal letters so much! Receiving post is just one of my happy things in life. I was happy to receive this month beautiful post from Chloe who I love so much. Thank you for your beautiful letter and for all the lovely stickers, notes, postcard and all cute stuff. You are so lovely and I can’t wait to meet you one day. I love your handwriting too so much. I wish mine wasn’t that messy hahah. Thank you for being one of my best friends. I love you so much! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’•

Fiestas of Valladolid ๐ŸŽ‰

At the beginning of September it was fiesta time in Valladolid which is also called Feria y fiestas de la Virgen de San Lorenzo ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ’ƒ. It’s the Catholic patroness of Valladolid. I love this week so much. I ate delicious tapas like croquetas, bread with solomillo and roquefort, paella, pizza, delicious desserts like pie and ice with hot chocolate and fajitas. I also loved the nutella crรชpe with whipped cream we ate after the concert. IT WAS SO DELICIOUS LIKE OMGGGGGG GIVE ME ALL THE CHOCOLATE ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿซ๐Ÿ˜‹ I liked the cotton candy too which reminded me of my childhood aahhh good vibes. You can all eat these tapas at stands in the whole city. You can also watch the fireworks at night but we didn’t went because it’s always so crowded. I also always love to go to concerts with my friends and my mother ๐ŸŽถ. I went to see Gloria Gaynor (Who sings the popular song I will survive), Ana Belรฉn, and the flamenco kinda pop group Camela. I also wanted to see Maldita Nerea but it was raining that night so I didn’t go out. I always enjoy this week so much.

Other amazing things of September:

Reaching 400 followers ๐Ÿ’—

I’m so happy I reached 400 followers on my blog. Each one of you mean so much to me. I know not everyone interacts with me as there are a lot of marketing and dating blogs who love to follow me lol I have no idea why ๐Ÿ˜‚. I’m thankful for all the friendships I made. Thank you for all being there for me in good and worst times. WE WILL ALWAYS BE UNITED TOGETHER GOING THROUGH LIFE UNTIL THE END OF TIMES. I just had to shout this, okay? Okay. I love you all so much.

Contribution in the new book of Ashley L. Peterson ๐Ÿ“™

I feel so blessed and happy to have contributed to the book “Making sense of psychiatric diagnosis” of Ashley. She is such an amazing blogger and writer. “It covers the DSM-5 criteria for a variety of mental illnesses, including whatโ€™s involved in making a diagnosis, the symptom criteria for each diagnosis, and an explanation of what the various symptoms actually look like.ย It will explain why a personโ€™s diagnoses may change over time, and discuss some of the weaknesses in this kind of diagnostic system.” I wrote about how it is to live with generalised anxiety disorder. I’m sure you book will help a lot of people ๐Ÿ’—. Keep being you!

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all liked my favourites of this month. What did you do in September? What are your favourites from my post? Do you like the movies I have watched? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina