Today it’s my 27th birthday! ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŽ‚๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽโœจ๐ŸŽˆ Forever a gemini child โ™Š and hippie girl yeahhh! โœŒ

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!! ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŽ‰ OMG 27 YEARS YOUNG. I feel old lol ๐Ÿ˜‚. I have sometimes pain in my body like period cramps, back pain, feeling nauseous, teeth problems, suffering from anxiety but lol I still lived 27 years so I guess it’s okay. I feel like a grand mother ๐Ÿ‘ด sometimes. This blog post will be about my birthday and some things I learned these years. It’s a kinda strange birthday because of this pandemic and lockdown but it’s also special. It’s the first birthday in 4 years that I’m again in The Netherlands celebrating it and not in Spain. My good friend is sleeping here. My brother, his wife, my bestie and her girlfriend are coming today but of course with distance. Better, than nothing. I miss face to face connection so much. I missed seeing them so much ๐Ÿ˜ญ.

I sometimes feel a bit depressed, anxious and emotional with my birthday because of society’s expectations. In 3 years I’m 30 years old but I still feel like a ”baby” in the world. I don’t have a job yet, no hushband, no baby, no driving license, no car or don’t own a home. Does that make me unsuccesful? Does that make me not worth it in this society? I just hate that society create those rules. It only makes me feel depressed and create more anxiety. I am where I am in live and it’s all okay. I’m realizing now more and more that who I’m is more important than what I do.

If there is one thing I’m realizing now during this pandemic and just this year in general is that I have to choose for myself. I have spent so much years of my life doing what other people expected of me. I have spent so much time in doing things I don’t like or being with the wrong people. It only drained me and made me feel bad about myself. I have wasted too much time in toxic relationships. It wasn’t worth it. I realized afterwards that all these people and boys had one thing in common: they didn’t deserve my love. I give so much to people and didn’t get that same amount of love back. They weren’t worth my time. If only I knew then what I know now I would not have done certain things or wasted my time on the wrong people. I failed, I learned and I grew from these mistakes. I will try to not repeat them in the future.

I have always hide myself and I still do that at times and I’m done with it. I hide myself because of being bullied ๐Ÿ˜ข. Not many bullies seem to know what the consequences are of bullying. It’s really the worst for your mental health. I still suffer sometimes when someone is laughing or talking a bit loud. Then instantly I think it’s about me but of course it isn’t true. Anxiety is also being caused of being bullied. I’m done with hiding myself for who I’m. I’m happy that I’m being myself know more and more online and also in real life. I have the best friends in real life, online and family in the world ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’•.

I want to be completely myself in everything I do and in everything I am in life. I have always been afraid of growing older because of being afraid of death. I also talked about that topic in this blog post. Now, I’m realizing that growing older is also a privilege. Not everyone can grow older because of sickness. I have also been afraid of aging because I always thought I have to be a certain way in life. I can’t like or do the things I like now in a few years. Well, that’s a misconception. I will forever be the hippie girl โœŒ, mermaid and wild child I’m ๐Ÿ˜‚. I will not change for anyone. I WILL BE MY CRAZY SELF. I will keep reading young adult books ๐Ÿ“š, blogging, penpalling, surfing ๐Ÿ„, travelling the world, singing ๐ŸŽถ, loving the sea ๐ŸŒŠ, listening to my favourite artists such as Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Julia Michaels, Sofia Ellar, Duncan Laurence, Aitana, Amaia, Alfred and keep having fun with my friends. I will keep being myself which means being romantic and sensitive. I’m a highly sensitive person and feel every emotion and also suffer more. I can’t take that away from me because otherwise I wouldn’t be me. Growing older doesn’t mean I have to change about what I like or not. I just grow wiser.

This year I faced one of my biggest fears which was going to the dentist to get one of my wisdom teeth pulled out. I’m SO proud of myself for doing this!!! ๐Ÿ’ช It’s a big achievement for me. I spent years in anxiety and I still know I have to get three out. The first step is there. It went all so great because of the lovely dentist and his team. He knew exactly how to support me and take care of me while I had so much anxiety. You can read it here. Sometimes I feel some problems in my teeth because I still have to get rid of three. I prefer to do it in Spain but we postponed our trip because of the pandemic. Maybe we can go in the Summer if it won’t be dangerous for any of us. I’m just really happy to have faced this fear. I hope with the next visits I will feel less anxiety. I know anxiety will be there always but hopefully a bit less now I know how things go. That’s also the reason I prefer to go in Spain because I know the dentist. I find it hard to trust again in someone new. It’s nice to go to some familiar places.

This year I also have had some amazing good times with my friends and family ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’ƒ. My last birthday was amazing because my friend from Granada came to visit me for the first time in Valladolid. Me and my Spanish friends ate all together in a creperie. We had such a great time together. I also enjoyed my time with my Dutch friends in Haarlem in November. I came back from having a hard time in Spain and being so anxious about having to go to the dentist and just life. It was nice to be able to enjoy some time all together eating delicous tapas in La Cubanita. In January I ate there again with my good friend. I also had a nice time with my family eating all together and celebrating birthdays. I really miss that but I know that time will come again.

I also travelled to beautiful places this year which were my second home Valladolid in Spain โœˆ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ธ. I’m so blessed to have that in my life. I love my Spanish friends and family so much. It’s home. I even feel more at home there than in The Netherlands where I have been born. Home is also where your favourite people are. I love both countries so much but Spain always more haha. In July I travelled again for the 4th time to Granada, one of my favourite cities in Spain. I have a good friend living there. My mother and I went to his appartment at the beach and also enjoyed the city itself. We always have an amazing time and I really can’t wait to go back!!!! ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŒŠ It’s a tradition to go each Summer but we don’t know if that will be possible this year. I also travelled to Gijรณn which is in Asturias for the first time in August with one of my best friends in Spain. We had such a great time. We enjoyed the beach, had great fiestas haha, eat delicious tapas, went shopping and had such a great girl time.

It was years ago since I went with a friend again on a holiday. I really missed it and I can’t wait to do it again. I still remember that night we met some cool guys which invited us for drinks without anything in return. No bad boys for once yeahhh. They were partying with us the whole night. It was so much fun. One of their friends was about to marry. I just can’t wait to travel again to new places in Spain and wherever in the world because travelling makes me so happy and most importantly, it makes me feel ALIVE!!!! You make new friends, have fun, learn about different cultures and learn more about life and this world we live in ๐ŸŒ.

Right now, I just submitted a story for a contest which is called ”A sea of words” just like my blog like what the hell?! The European Institute of the Mediterranean tagged me on a post in Instagram. Otherwise I would never have found it. My instagram for my blog is also called that way. It’s a contest which is every year and the topics can be about gender equality, climate change, environment or just anything related to make this world a better place. This year it was about young people faced with climate change in the Mediterranean and the 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development. First I wrote an essay but it wasn’t what they ask for so I had to change it into a story which was a bit more difficult. The story I wrote is about me being in the sea with my boat and then suddenly being stuck surrounded by plastic bottles. Then a man comes to help me and talks about how important it is to take action. I have always had that inner voice inside of me who says to take action and give some ideas. I already won an essay contest in 2015 and spoke at the United Nations in New York City ๐Ÿ—ฝ so I thought why not try again even though my inner critic is loud sometimes. The jury is now reviewing the stories. The 10 best winners will go to Barcelona at the end of September for free and will have a creative writing course and dicuss their ideas. It’s really so amazing. I will keep you informed if I win and if it’s even possible to travel.

A few days ago I also submitted my two poems ๐Ÿ“„ about vulnerability and strength for the organization MIND in The Netherlands. This organization helps people with mental health illnesses. My poems are about the sea and about being bullied and how that made me stronger and about accepting myself for the way I’m. The winner will be chosen online from the best 5 and the winner gets a poetry award. The 5 winners can speak their poem in an event. All these things make me super anxious and are so outside my comfortzone but I have to do it because I love writing and I know that I’m good at it. I have to stop bullying myself that I’m not good or smart enough. I will keep my fingers crossed โœŒ๐Ÿ™.

With all of these things I do and did in the past, I’m just being myself and embracing the person who I’m which loves to write, do yoga, sing, surf, travel the world, read and help other people and hopefully making this world a better place. I love La Pachamama!!! ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ˜ Thank you all so much for forming part of my life. Thank you all for being there for me in good and bad times. I love you all so much. I wish you all peace, love & happiness! Forever young, wild and free! โœŒ๏ธ We are all childs of the universe. This life is a gift โœจ Let’s hope this new year of life will be amazing too!

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I’m so happy to have you all in my life. Do you also join writing contests? Do you think 27 years is old? Do you think society creates rules for us? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

April favourites ๐Ÿ’•๐ŸŒž

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I have been sad for a few days and cried a lot because of the death of 5 surfers which I wrote in this blog post. When that sadness past I was griefing about a good friend of my mother who died a few days ago in Spain ๐Ÿ˜ข. He had cancer. We knew it because of people posting sad posts on his Facebook and he didn’t answer anymore on Whatsapp. I felt so sad too and cried much because he was always so nice to us. I’m happy we can still have contact with his sister. He felt like a father for me and understood my anxiety and was always so supportive for me. Just writing this I cry again. I have enough of grief and crying really. I just hate death and I know it’s part of life but it’s the most horrible feeling ever. Life is just unfair because good and honest people always die earlier than the other ones. On a happy note, let’s move on to this blog post. I did some nice stuff in April. Who says being in lockdown has to be boring?! I will share the 30 days of space challenge I did by Yoga Girl ๐Ÿ™, the new leggings I bought and beautiful sunny days in the park.

Things I did with my lovely family ๐Ÿ‘ช:

First ice cream of the year ๐Ÿฆ

I love ice cream so much ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿง. I ate my first ice cream of the year with my mother. We went to IJsboertje which is just 5 min. away from our house. We had to take it with us and eat it somewhere else. We ate in the park. My flavours were white chocolate and vanilla and my mother had lemon ice cream. It was all so delicious. I can’t wait to go back!

My Spanish niece got a baby ๐Ÿ‘ถ

My Spanish niece got her first baby boy and I’m so happy for her!!! I can’t share a picture unfortunately because of privacy but he looked so cute. They live in Basque country. I can’t wait to be able to go again to Spain to visit them with my parents. My niece is 43 years old and it just reminds me that it’s never too late to have a baby at that age or be married or whatever. Society always creates those rules but we have to decide or own rules in life. We only have one life so let’s live it the way we want and not what society ask us to do.

Sunny days in the park & in the garden ๐ŸŒžโœŒ

We have had a beautiful April month of many days of sunshine and 20 degrees. I love to enjoy my time in the garden with my mother. I also loved to walk in the park and enjoy nature. It’s so nice to live so close near nature ๐Ÿ˜. I also love to go to our lake because I always need to be surrounded by water. Water is still and makes me feel calm and peaceful. It’s all I need and I’m so grateful for that. I would literally die right now if I would be in a small flat. In Spain we don’t have a big house or garden so the lockdown would be worse for us. In the garden I read, chill, daydream, listen to music, write, meditate and just enjoy life.

Birthday of my brother and his wife ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽˆ

It was the birthday of my brother the 18th of April and of his wife at the end of April. We couldn’t celebrate it with the family of course. It made me sad but I know we will soon be reunited again when it’s possible. We wrote some cards for them and my present for them was a canvas with some pictures together. One is from the wedding of them, another one from the park and with the family together. I’m happy they liked it. My mother brought some flowers for them too. I only went one time to their appartment and saw them on a distance. It was nice to be able to talk to them but also strange. Not being able to hug your loved ones is just the most heartbreaking thing ever. I need hugs in life. The world need a group hug which will hopefully come soon again ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™.

Netflix subscription ๐ŸŽฌ

I joined Netflix just for a few months which is really nice. I love to be able to watch series and movies on Netflix. The only thing I don’t like is that some movies or series are not on Netflix. I also would like to watch Disney movies but I don’t want to also have a subcription on Disney+ because of the money. I really love the movies and series which are only made for Netflix.

Easter time ๐Ÿฃ๐Ÿค๐Ÿฅ

We always celebrate it with the whole family but of course this year is different. I’m happy I could celebrate it with my parents. We had a delicious fondue with potatoes. We also ate delicious chocolate eggs and cakes. It was all so delicious. What I loved the most was of course the blackberry juice with fruits and whipped cream ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‡. My daddy plucked those years ago and it’s a tradition of his family to make this. I LOVE these kinds of traditions so much. The juice is so delicious and so healthy too. I love my family forevah.

Other amazing things of April ๐Ÿ’–:

New leggings from Shein ๐Ÿ‘–

I bought some amazing yoga leggings from the website Shein. I really like them and they were not expensive at all. I really needed to have some nice leggings. They are colourful and have flowers ๐Ÿ’๐ŸŒธ on it so I don’t need more. It fits perfectly. I’m really happy about it! I made some nice pictures in the park with them on.

Pen pal letters ๐Ÿ’Œ

I got some beautiful pen pal letters this month. I got some beautiful mail from Chloe who is one of my best friends ever. I love you so much soulsister. She makes beautiful art with a flower theme, a moon theme or anything beautiful for her page on Etsy. You can check it out. She made a beautiful painting of some flowers and sent me a nice letter together with stickers. I also got a cute letter from Rosie from UK. It was full of beautiful notes, glitter stickers with unicorns and hearts, quotes and a beautiful letter. I loved the stickers with the quote ”Friends are special treasures of the heart.” I also loved the card with the quote ”I am at peace with my age.” I agree that every age is beautiful and that society just creates expectations which aren’t real and only create unhappiness and unnecessary stress and anxiety.

I also got a beautiful letter from Agata from Poland. I loved the writing paper so much. I also loved the cute stickers and the card of Warsaw was beautiful. I loved the colours and the flowers on it. I wish to go to Poland once and visit you. I want to meet all of my online friends one day. I know that dream will come true one day and it will be the happiest day of my life. I love you all so much ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’• xoxo.

30 days of space challenge by Yoga Girl ๐Ÿ™

I did the 30 days of space challenge by Yoga Girl which is my biggest inspiration in life ๐Ÿ˜. I never commited to a 30 days of yoga challenge so it was a nice way to enjoy yoga again. I only took some classes in my life and did it at home. Every day we did yoga on the website of Yoga Girl for free. This challenge was made to create space in our hearts, our bodies and our minds as we find ourselves in a time of physical space and distancing. Also, every day there was a theme. We meditated together, felt our feelings and pulled a card every day. One day we had to build our own sacred altar, go outside and enjoy nature or shake our bodies to remove negative energy. It was soooo good. I’m so happy I met amazing new pen pal friends. I love to be spiritual, do yoga, meditate, and there are not much many friends of mine who align with that aswell. It’s nice to have this beautiful Yoga Girl community. I love them so much.

Since that challenge is over I’m still doing yoga every damn day and it helps me so much with being more calm and easing anxiety ๐Ÿ™. Anxiety will not go away but yoga and meditation gives you the tool to sit with it and be able to let it go at some point. We have to sit with our feelings to be able to let them go. I also thought yoga was only about handstands and being flexible but it isn’t. I’m not that flexible but I have fun, feel my feelings, cry a lot and I’m happy when I practice. That’s yoga. I can’t wait to go to her retreat in Aruba one day. That’s one of my BIG dreams and is on my bucketlist ๐ŸŒ โœจ.

Got a free month subscription for the Yoga Girl website ๐Ÿ˜

When I was doing the 30 day challenge some strangers were gifting a free subscription to people. I also got a free month subscription. I felt very grateful and so happy. It’s so nice that people gift things without something in return. I wish more people were like that in real life too. I just don’t have much money for a subscription so it was nice to be able to do yoga for free on the website after the challenge. You also get free live classes with Yoga Girl which are SO amazing and a Yoga E-Book and astrology workbook. If you get the year subscription you get a t-shirt for free. I wish to have that one day.

Lush bath ๐Ÿ›

I had a nice bath and used a bath bomb from Lush. It was the intergalatic one. It had such a good smell of peppermint. The blue, pink colours and glitter that came out of it were beyond amazing! This was a beautiful experience where I could just bath in the universe itself ๐Ÿ˜โœจ. It was like bathing in stardust. I 100% recommend this bath bomb for you all. I always listen to some beautiful music too while I’m laying in bath.

Watched To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You, Chicken Run and Isn’t it romantic ๐ŸŽฌ

I watched some nice movies in April. I loved the second movie of To All the Boys. I love the actors and just everything. However, I loved the first movie more. In the second movie you knew a bit what would happen. I also watched the movie Chicken Run with my parents. It was a cute movie. The movie was about chickens who were living on a chicken farm and the mean owners wanted to make pie of them so they invented a plan to escape. I also watched Isn’t it romantic with my mother. I love the actress Rebel Wilson which also is known from Pitch Perfect. I love that it wasn’t a cliche love story. It had a great message about loving ourselves and the music was also nice. We don’t need someone to love ourselves because we are already whole.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. What was your favourite thing from my list? What did you do in April? Did you also enjoy some sunshine in the garden or park? Do you do love to do yoga, meditation or be spiritual? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Coronavirus: Is this a wake up call for the world?! ๐ŸŒ

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I know all we can talk about now in the world is the coronavirus (Covid-19). I wanted to post a blog post about some happy stuff such as some book reviews but I really need to talk about this. I have to describe my feelings and thoughts on it as I always do with important topics such as mental health, feminism, injustice in the world and other topics. I need to let my thoughts go and write it down here or I will feel that I explode ๐Ÿ˜ฅ. My mind is so full these days. I’m not doing okay.

So, I can’t sleep well anymore. I feel so bad and anxious. I’m crying every day ๐Ÿ˜ข. I don’t know how to cope. I have cramps in my stomach. It’s in times I didn’t felt so bad. This virus only increased my anxiety. How can I feel less anxious when the situation is getting worse every day and people are dying? I feel hopeless. There’s an outbreak of a pandemic in the world right now. The coronavirus feels like the flu but it’s worse because you have fever, cough and it effects your lungs. It all began in China in December. They eat a lot of strange food there such as living animals such as cats, dogs and whatever. My daddy said that the virus comes from bats. I’m of course not a doctor and don’t know much about viruses but all we know is that it’s spreading to every country. If I’m affected I could infect three other people.

I have sometimes health anxiety so I’m also a bit worried to get this virus to be honest. I think it’s normal that we are worried because our health is the most important thing in life. What I’m also worried about is the people who are vulnerable and the elderly people. My father for example has diabetics so it could be dangerous for him. What I don’t like about what’s happening now is that many people especially young people think oh only the old people die or the sick ones. That’s being so EGOISTIC. Writing this I feel tears in my eyes coming because I CARE. I care sometimes way too much about people, this earth and everyone because of being a highly sensitive person and also suffering from anxiety. I care about someone dying being 75 years old of coronavirus even though I don’t know that person. It could be your father, daughter, grandmother. Every one deserves a good life and deserves to live and be treaten well ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™.

Everything is cancelled right now ๐Ÿšซ. In The Netherlands there are no concerts, theater, cinema, sport events happening anymore and all schools are closed. I’m worried about that Eurovision in May will be cancelled too. I hope to go another day. I was so happy when this year began because of this event and good stuff. I’m worried about my friends in Italy being locked down. Spain has now declared an emergency state. I’m worried about my family and friends there. They only can leave the house for meds, work or to go to the supermarket. My mother and I are supposed to go in two weeks but that isn’t possible anymore. Tonight they closed the borders. It makes me sad to not be able to go as we never experienced this. None of us does. It feels lik a movie but it’s happening and it’s real. Scary stuff ๐Ÿ˜ข. I just hope we can enjoy Summer time ๐ŸŒž in Spain because otherwise I will get so depressed and anxious. I don’t like Summer in The Netherlands because the sun doesn’t shine that much. I’m just always so happy in Spain. Holy week in Spain is cancelled too. I would have to go to the dentist in Spain too but right now it isn’t an emegerncy as I have no pain.

I’m a highly sensitive person, an empath and suffer from anxiety. This is maybe not the best combination in the midst of the Coronavirus. I care always so much about others and everything that it all affects me emotionally. I suffer more but I also love more. I’m here for all the ones in need. You can always talk to me. We are not alone ๐Ÿ’ช We are all in this together.

I just got inspired to write this post too because of Melissa Wells. Maybe everything what’s happening now is a wake up call for the damn world. Care about the elderly. Help people in need. Think of the ones working in the hospital sector and supermarkts. I’m seeing also very good deeds this week such as people donating blood in Spain for the people who need it. Doctors from China are helping Italy and Spain with medical products. The supermarkets are almost empty here and also in the rest of the world. I don’t find that at all funny. Maybe this pandemic virus is a wake up call for the world like that we have to be more compassionate, less egostic and think of others. Don’t buy so much stuff in the supermarkets because then someone else can’t buy toilet paper or hand gel or food. Think more of others than of yourself.

All people think of nowadays is me, myself and I. It’s the wrong way. We are all human and we all long for the same things such as food security, love, safety and being healthy. I also feel that this lack of control and uncertainty is making me more anxious. All governments and society thinks about is money and power. I’m a hippie by heart and just never feel like I approve with the society we are living in. Maybe more people feel that way.

Citizens have to be responsible for their actions too. In Italy and Spain they aren’t allowed to go outside or have fun with friends in some bar. Take these measures seriously. Many young people can’t die from it, but if you do get infected you can make others infected like people who are in a vulnerable state or older people. Your actions could be the death of someone else. Buy responsibly ๐Ÿ›’. My mother wanted to buy paracetamol today and saw everyone being greedy and getting them. That isn’t the way to handle things in life. I saw a picture where Italy has almost no pollution in the air and is clear. You see, we can fight climate change all together ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿค—. I saw people donating loads of blood in Spain. Good things happen every day. We can all make a change in this world.

I will stay mostly at home now. It’s time to slow down. It’s time to help others and not think of me, myself and I. Let’s be compassionate, solidair and less egoistic. Follow the health instructions. Don’t buy everything you see in the supermarkets because then there will be nothing left for others. We have to be all strong together and help each other. We are all in this together. I’m also anxious right now but I hope this situation will be solved as long as we take all measures seriously. Wash your hands well and focus less on social media. I also have to watch less news as that only increase my anxiety and doesn’t solve anything. We will see what will happening the coming days. Stay safe at home ๐Ÿก, read books ๐Ÿ“š, blog, watch series and movies ๐ŸŽฌ, or listen to podcasts. There are so many nice things to do at home. We don’t always have to be outside to have fun.

It’s time that countries work together with each other to combate this pandemic of Coronavirus. We are all together in this. 2020 is the year that will change our view of the world because of this health crisis. We will make it out stronger and hopefully we will learn to be more responsible for this earth and for all its people ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ’•.

At the end, everything will be allright. Take care, stay safe and love because that will never be cancelled ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿค—โœจI’m here for you all. I love you all so much!

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. I hope it didn’t sound depressing. I just wanted to share the good and the bad like always. How do you feel about the Coronavirus? Are you anxious? How’s it in your country? What do you do to calm yourself down? I really need some support right now. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I just want to be truly happy

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I need to write some thoughts I have lately on my mind down here. I always am 100% honest and vulnerable because this is my safe space. I’m so thankful for all your support and for all of you being there for me ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’–. It means the most to me. Right now, I just don’t feel okay. It’s not like that I feel really bad but I’m also not feeling really good. It’s a strange feeling. I also have headaches and can’t wait to soak up some sunshine ๐ŸŒž when I will go again to Spain in two months. This grey and rainy weather affects my mood and mental health so much ๐Ÿ˜ข. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. I hope I’m not the only one feeling this way.

I feel lonely lately because I don’t leave the house much and if I leave the house I just go to the park or go shopping with my mother. I don’t see my friends a lot ๐Ÿ˜ข. I feel isolated and bored. They are all busy. I just see some friends here or in Spain a few times in a month. Sometimes I feel I do all the effort in friendship/relationships. I’m so done with that because I can’t do that anymore. I’m a highly sensitive person and all my life I have felt that I love and do more for others than people do for me. I’m the helper. I’m the fixer. It’s nice to help others but I also would love that people do the same for me. Of course, I’m so thankful for my family especially my mother and my good friends in real life and online who are always there for me ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™Œ.

I just wish to meet more people in real life too. I want to share my struggles and open up. I love to do it here online but sharing your stuff with a person face to face is the most vulnerable thing ever. It’s so good to do that and I really miss that right now in my life ๐Ÿ˜”. I love my pen pals, blogging friends and friends I know from the Yoga Girl community but those are all people living far away from me. I really would love to be able to teletransport myself so that we could be together having fun and talking about real life topics. I know one day that dream will become true even though it may cost some time ๐Ÿ™โœจ.

I also just feel like I’m just floating or trying to survive in life. I feel lost for so many years already and I just can’t see how to go out of that space. Lately I feel bored, uninspired and so tired about everything. I’m happy I faced my fear of going to the dentist last month in Spain but I still need to get three wisdom teeth out ๐Ÿฆท. I still need to face that fear three times more. I still need to get a job which just doesn’t seem to go well with me. I thought of maybe teaching kids English or Spanish. Life just feels like a never ending struggle. As I’m reading right now Looking for Alaska I feel that kind of struggle. It’s hard to feel it and to be in this space.

I also know that what I want from life is just to be truly happy. I want to be happy with myself. I have spend so many years being my own enemy that I’m done with it. It’s just to hard to heal in that way because whenever I feel anxious I doubt myself and say the worst things about myself. My inner-critic becomes loud and says that I’m not worth it, that I’m lazy for not having a job, that I’m not loved by anyone and that eventually everyone will leave me. This of course only makes me feel worse. Being bullied in high school caused me to have anxiety and these kinds of thoughts too. I have to listen more to my inner-bestfriend who tells me that I’m loved, worth it and that my worth has nothing to do whether I’m productive or not.

I also feel like I wouldn’t be happy with a 9 to 5 life or a routine. I feel like I would feel bored in one second. I want more out of life. I love adventure, travelling and meeting people which is sometimes a contrast of me having anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t form part of my personality even though sometimes I think it does because that voice gets so loud. The thing is that I have so many dreams but just never know how to make them happen because of insecurities, anxiety and just have no clue to make it all work. I would love to write a book ๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ“–, travel the world ๐ŸŒ, be able to surf the waves ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ๐ŸŒŠ and sometimes I even thought of being a singer. However, then I thought oh no that’s nothing for me because I don’t like attention. I don’t know if I would be happy if I would be famous.

Sometimes I love to isolate myself, hide myself, do yoga or meditation and just read books, write for my blog and write letters to my friends. There are also days that I like to go out, go to concerts with my friends and just have fun. I can be all of those things and don’t have to choose between one of another. I just wish I could really speak up more in real life and let myself seen. I have still a hard time doing that. I know it will make me happier in the long term.

Maybe we all know nothing of life and we are just trying to look like we have our life together when we don’t. Social media doesn’t give you a real view of what real life is. Sometimes I think of deleting it all as I tend to compare myself to others so much which ends up in feeling depressed and anxious of not having achieved certain milestones in life such as having a job, being married, having children and owning a car and a home. Then I always think to myself, is that what life is about? When you have all of that you are suppose to be “happy”. I really don’t know if all of that would make me happy to be honest.

Life for me is all about experiences, travels and connecting with wonderful people. I think what we miss right now in this society is trully being connected with someone and sharing our feelings. What I need right now is to be able to share my feelings and thoughts with someone. We all need to be able to laugh, cry, get a hug and have a real life connection. With the rise of social media this lack of connection is becoming a more serious issue. I love blogging and I love writing letters because the connection with someone is much stronger than writing a stupid whatsapp message. The next best thing is of course seeing that person. Maybe, that’s why I feel lonely too this month. I just wish that I can find my own happiness in life and achieve my dreams ๐ŸŒ . We all deserve to be happy. Anxiety will never win. I have to believe in myself more and know that I will achieve my dreams. Thank you all for always being there for me because really that means the most to me. One day I will give you the biggest hug ever. I love you all so much ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ’ž.

Thank you all for reading my blog post. I hope you liked it and it inspired you in some way. Do you also feel lost in life sometimes? How do you deal with it? Do you miss connection in your life too? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

December 2019 favourites ๐ŸŽ„โœจ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ’ž

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

This blog post is maybe a bit too late lol but that doesn’t matter, right? ๐Ÿ˜‚ I’m always too late for everything in life. I’m better from my wisdom teeth extraction which was two weeks ago. I still sometimes felt strange things in my mouth but I have to stop obsessing otherwise I get even more anxious about it. I’m in Holland again. The next time I’m in Spain I will get rid of another wisdom teeth ๐Ÿฆท until I have no teeth left haha no just kidding. I have to do it three times more. I can do it. Hopefully I will have less anxiety for the next times. I trust this dentist so all will be well ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™. Now, I have a cold too but I guess it’s that time of the year. I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and I hope this new year begin well for you all. In this blog post I will share my favourites of December which are celebrating Christmas with my family, going to the Christmas market, getting nice presents, winning some things and so much more.

Things I did with my lovely family ๐Ÿ‘ช:

Celebrating Sinterklaas with the family ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ

I celebrated the Dutch feast Sinterklaas the 6th of December. It was a nice celebration and I got loads of amazing presents. I wrote a Sinterklaas haul post which can find here. I loved the yoga mat, Flow magazines and the loads of chocolate I got ๐Ÿ˜. I still have chocolate at home from this celebration hahaha ๐Ÿ˜‚. Does anyone of you wants some chocolate? ๐Ÿซ It’s still good until March or April. I always love to celebrate Sinterklaas with the family. It’s such a nice tradition.

My parents 43th wedding anniversary ๐Ÿ’’๐ŸŒน๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’

My parents had their 43th wedding anniversary the 23th of December. We didn’t do anything special besides that they went to church and I stayed home. I was already going to church on Christmas Eve. When they had their 40th anniversary we ate all together but maybe with the 45th anniversary we will do something with the family. It’s a special day which remind me that true love exists. I love my parents so much and I wish them many more years together full of health, love and happiness ๐Ÿ’ž.

Watching some Christmas movies with mama ๐ŸŽ…๐ŸŽฌ

I love to watch Christmas movies. I’m sad this Christmas we didn’t watch Love Actually. We were busy packing for Spain too so at the end we didn’t watch it. Maybe, I will watch it now haha that movie is my fav movie ever. We watched Elf, The Polar Express and The Holiday. I love The Holiday so much. It’s also one of my favourite movies. I wish my life could be like that too and I could meet the love of my life that way haha. That English cottage is just so cute. I love all the actresses and actors. So beautiful. I also loved the movie Elf as I had never watched it before. It’s really cute! The Polar Express is also a classic. I think I’ve read the book when I was younger too.

Christmas time with the family ๐ŸŽ„

We had an amazing Christmas with the family. I went to church โ›ช on Christmas Eve with my mother, brother and his wife. It was lovely. We went to their appartment on Christmas day and just relaxed. We ate dinner all together on boxing day. It’s always so nice when we are all together especially when my little niece who’s 4 year old comes. It’s play time haha! ๐Ÿ˜‚ We had a delicious meal of some meat, stewed pears which my mother made and delicious fruit and ice cream ๐Ÿจ. My daddy always love to put whipped cream into the mouth of my niece haha she loves it very much. Spending time with family is one of the most important things in life. You never know when will be the last time you seen them, so do it and love them very much. I don’t want to sound depressing but it’s the truth. Nothing is forever so we have to not take these things for granted ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’–.

New Year’s Eve in Spain ๐ŸŽ‰โœจ๐ŸŽ†

My mother and I celebrated New Year’s Eve in Spain with the family of Verรณnica. We had a nice time with the brother and her mother. We ate some delicious meat like chorizo, jamรณn serrano. There was also bread and different sauces like avocado and cheese sauce. We also drank some champagne which I don’t like that much. I loved the Spanish cookies more. Afterwards, me and the brother of Verรณnica played Mario Kart Deluxe and Super Mario with the Nintendo Switch ๐ŸŽฎ. I really loved it so much and I got nostalgic from the times I played it when I was little. Those were one of my favourites games. My favourite game ever was Super Mario 64 with the different worlds and rooms. Such an awesome game. Also The Sims is amazing.

Stationery shopping ๐Ÿ›’

I went stationery shopping with my mother earlier in December. Action is my favourite shop in Holland. It’s cheap and has so many nice stationery. I bought some foam stickers. I love those stickers because they are bold and have an amazing design. The design is made for a hippie girl like me with lovely feathers, dreamcatchers, beautiful colours and quotes. I also love the sticker sheets I bought which contains 28 sheets full of stickers with a mermaid design ๐ŸŒŠ๐Ÿงœโ€โ™€๏ธ. It’s so beautiful. Anything with a sea theme is always made for me. You could also use these stickers for bullet journals. For the rest I also bought some nice rhinestones. They look like pearls. I also love the gluemarkers which I bought but I still didn’t have use them. I hope it works. You could put some glue on a paper, then add glitter and it would be amazing to decorate cards for my pen pals with it.

Awesome things I did with my lovely friends ๐Ÿ’ž:

Christmas market in Haarlem ๐ŸŽ„

I went to the Christmas market in Haarlem with my best friend and her girlfriend. We had such a good time. I always love to go because these Christmas markets are really special in The Netherlands and in Germany too. I love to drink hot chocolate or gluhwein โ˜•. This time I didn’t drink anything. I only bought something to make hot chocolate with. We made some nice pictures with the Christmas tree and enjoyed the beautiful lights โœจ. All the things which are sold on this market are handmade which I love so much.

Winning the book (Un)limited by the mind by A.O.Ewen ๐Ÿฅ‡๐Ÿ“–

My lovely friend Andrew from Instagram always write such beautiful poetry. He wrote a book and I took part of the giveaway. I never win something from Instagram so this was really a big surprise. I was so happy to have won this book because it’s beautiful ๐Ÿ˜. I still have to finish it reading. I already read some poems and I loved it. I love his honesty and vulnerability. It’s a collection of his poetry about experiences with mental health. He suffers from anxiety and ocd. I can relate so much to his poems and feel less alone when I read it. It’s good that he wrote about the light and the darkness because that makes me feel hopeful that things always can change for the better. I wish also to write a book one day because it’s one of my dreams. Thank you Andrew for your Christmas card too and for our friendship. I also love what you wrote in the inside for me. I love you very much. I will always support you! ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™

Receiving Christmas cards and presents from my lovely friends ๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ

I’m so happy with all the Christmas cards I got from my friends online and in real life. I love my blogging friends, my pen pals and family so much. I love to receive handwritten letters and Christmas cards so much. I also loved the Christmas presents I got from my pen pal Vikki which was a unicorn garden suncatcher and some cute key rings. I also loved the presents I got from Sophia so much. I loved the handmade jewelry, the nail polish ๐Ÿ’… (I used it for Christmas time yeahhh) and the turqoise wallet is beautiful. Also a big thanks to my lovely blogging friend Elsie for her beautiful presents. I loved the golden journal! I can use that to write some blogging ideas inside. I also love the cute pen and sweets. I’m so thankful for your friendship. Love you all! ๐Ÿ’ž

Other amazing things of this month ๐Ÿ’–:

Winner of The Goddess Collective Scholarship ๐Ÿ†

This year I joined again the Self Love Advent Challenge by Melissa Wells. She’s a bestselling Hay House Author, Worldwide Speaker, and the UKโ€™s leading Eating Psychology Coach and Self Love Expert, dedicated to helping you completely transform the relationship you have with yourself, your body and your food. I really like her community and her challenges so much. Every day until Christmas I posted something on Instagram and on her Facebook group for this challenge. One day it was about treating ourselves, another day it was doing self care and more. I’m happy to announce that for the first time I won something from participating in this challenge. OMGGGG asdfghjkl I won an amazing prize ๐Ÿ†. I won The Goddess Collective Scholarschip which is such a big prize. It has the value of more than โ‚ฌ550 for a year. This was definitely the best Christmas present ever ๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ. 

I’m so happy to form part of this beautiful community with all amazing goddesses โœจ๐Ÿ’— I will learn so much about goal and intention setting. There are also workshops about creativity, managing anxiety, female friendships, menstrual magic, finding your purpose, starting a business and so much more. There will also be moonology ๐ŸŒœ๐ŸŒ› readings and a book area ๐Ÿ“–. This is just everything what I need right now in my life. It will help me so much with everything. I really can’t wait to get started and really begin to improve my life, dive into the magic of the universe and follow my dreams. I also hope to meet all other goddesses and go on a retreat one day. I’m so blessed to have this opportunity. Thank you Melissa for being such an inspiration to do so much good in this world. Thank you for this beautiful community. We are all loved and not alone ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™ Love you all! ๐Ÿ˜˜

New books ๐Ÿ“š

I bought two new books which are Looking for Alaska by John Green and The Places I’ve cried in public by Holly Bourne. I’ve heard always so many good reviews about Looking for Alaska so I’m happy to finally been reading this book. John green is an amazing writer. My other favourite writer is Holly Bourne and I couldn’t wait to buy her new book. I still have to read so many books of her. This book is about Amelie who loved Reese. And she thought he loved her. But sheโ€™s starting to realise love isnโ€™t supposed to hurt like this. So now sheโ€™s retracing their story and untangling what happened by revisiting all the places he made her cry. Maybe she can get over him if that way. I think it will be an interesting and heartbreaking story. I can’t wait to read it!

Enjoying a relaxing bath with Lush bath bomb ๐Ÿ›€

I enjoyed a nice bath with an awesome Lush bath bomb. It was called Goddess which reminds me of the song God is a woman from Ariana Grande. The bath bomb is heavenly scent, jasmine absolute seduces you into lilac and silver waters, while the darkness of oudh and the richness of sandalwood keep you there, lingering a little longer. Lila is my favourite colour and I love glitter so it was just a perfect bath time โœจ๐Ÿ’–.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all enjoyed reading about my favourites of December 2019. Byebye 2019 haha. What were your favourites from my post? Did you have a nice Christmas time with your family? Have you read any of the books I bought? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Reflection on 2019 & happy new year to you all! โœจ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’ซ๐Ÿฅณ๐Ÿค—

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I’m doing a bit better than when I wrote my last blog. However, I’m having a cold now and my period is coming soon so always something bad. In this blog post I will make a short reflection on 2019. I will write about some low and highs of this year which I also wrote in a journal. Every year has good and bad things. I also wish you all a beautiful new year! ๐Ÿฅณ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’– May all your wildest and biggest dreams come true!

A new year has arrived: 2020. A new decade too. I’m happy to leave this decade because it came with good things but also with bad things. In this decade I met my first love and also got my heart broken at the end of 2012. I’m already 7 years single haha let’s keep up that way ๐Ÿ˜‚. I also experienced beautiful things this decade like graduating college ๐ŸŽ“ and speaking at the United Nations in NYC ๐Ÿ—ฝ because I won an essay competition in Spanish. This happened in the Summer of 2015. I think this was definitely one of the biggest milestones this decade. I guess we can all relate to good and bad moments during this decade. I just really wish 2020 will be a better year for all of us ๐Ÿ™. I hope we will experience beautiful things. I also hope we will survive and grow from the bad things.

My speech about ending hunger in the world at The United Nations ๐Ÿ—ฝ the 24th of July 2015

This year I learned some important life lessons which I will take with me in 2020. I learned that sometimes we can feel more connected to people we have never met than to the ones who are next to us. I love you all so much. You all mean the world to me. I learned that a real friend will be there for you in good and bad times. I learned that life has lows and highs and that most people only share the highs on social media. I learned that it’s good to spend less time online because I only compare myself to others online which makes my mental health worse. It isn’t real life. I also am learning to sit with every emotion whether that’s a negative one such as fear or anger. We have to feel it all, go through it until we can let go. It’s hard because when I feel anxious I just want that feeling to go away as soon as possible as it makes me feel so unwell. I just hope to know how to live with anxiety this next year.

This new year my intention is to listen more to my inner voice and let my heart guide me through life instead of my mind. 2020 will be the year of self love, growth and achieving my dreams. I will use the power that I have of being my authentic and sensitive self. I hope I will be able to get a job I love and which is good for my mental health. I also hope to meet more people I have met on the internet because I align so good with you all. My intention is to feel peace and know how to go through the waves of anxiety. I know I have to overcome some fears such as going to the dentist. Anxiety just doesn’t disappear because it’s the new year. I listened to the podcast of Yoga Girl and did the intention setting ceremony. I think setting intentions is much better than resolutions. Mostly we don’t achieve all resolutions we set for ourselves or it gives us too much pressure.

In 2019 I experienced a lot of amazing things like travelling to new places like Leรณn in March with my mother. I also went to Granada again in July with my lovely mother and met my friend there. In August I went to Gijรณn with my Spanish friend. I want to travel more with friends and also go to a surf camp again this new year ๐ŸŒŠ๐ŸŒž๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ. This year I went to the beautiful tulip fields in The Netherlands ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŒทThis year I also read more amazing books. To love and let go by Yoga Girl changed my life and I’m forever thankful for that. It was spiritual and beautiful. I will share a review about this book soon. This new year I will keep reading, writing, singing, travelling and doing all things I love. This year I also went to the concert of Alfred Garcia which I loved. Next year I really do hope to go to more concerts like the one of Taylor Swift. I’m dying to see her live as it’s my dream ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŽถ I also hope to see Yoga Girl one day. I also hope to get tickets for Eurovision live.

Tulip fields in The Netherlands ๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ฑ๐ŸŒท๐Ÿ˜

Travelling to Leรณn with mama ๐Ÿ˜

Travelling with my Spanish friend to Gijรณn ๐Ÿ’–๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒŠ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ

Awesome trip to Granada with my mother in July ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŒž

I also faced a fear this year which was having a first interview for an internship in a hotel ๐Ÿฉ in Spain. At the end they didn’t call me back but I went there and did my best. I hate interviews so it’s a good thing that I did well even though my heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to die ๐Ÿ˜ญ.

An important event this year was The Netherlands ๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ฑ winning Eurovision after 44 years ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿฅ‡๐ŸŽถ This was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. It was a dream coming dream. I’m being a fan of Eurovision all my life so to see this happening was just so amazing and beautiful. I can’t wait to go to the concert of Duncan Laurence soon.

I want to give thanks to my family, friends and all the people I met this year. I’m so happy I met more amazing people. I’m thankful for my pen pals which I met this year. I’m thankful for the Goddess community, the Yoga Girl Community and this community. This mental health community is so important for my well-being. You make my life so much better. It’s so much better to know that I’m not alone with my feelings. We all feel the same things just not at the same time. It’s okay if you have had a hard year. I’m always here for you all. I hope this new year will make our heart glow of golden glitter โœจ.

I celebrated New Year’s Eve with my mother at the home of the mother of Verรณnica and her brother. It was strange to be there without my brother and Vรฉronica. They couldn’t be in Valladolid this time. We ate a delicious meal which was some meat, potatoes and bread with avocado and cheese sauce. I loved the chorizo and jamรณn serrano too which is typical Spanish food. In Spain it’s also typical to eat 12 grapes at twelve o’clock so we did that. I love to watch las campanadas ๐Ÿ‡๐Ÿ˜. We also drank some champagne ๐Ÿฅ‚ We watched a program on tv which I love because it’s about Spanish artists singing. I love singing programs ๐ŸŽถ. Later I also played Mario Kart Deluxe and Mario Bros with the Nintendo Switch from the brother of Verรณnica. I really loved it so much and was pretty good at it. I was bad at Just Dance haha ๐ŸŽฎ๐Ÿ˜‚ On New Year’s Day I was chilling, resting and watching the movie Notting Hill.

Happy new year my lovely friends! ๐ŸŽ‰ ๐Ÿ’–โœจ I believe in the good things coming and hopefully it will be in abundance this new year. We all deserve it so much. I wish you all love, health and happiness โœจ I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž. Thank you for being there for me always. We are always in this together ๐Ÿ’ช

Thank you all for reading this blog post, the first one of the new year yeahhhh โœจ I hope you all liked it. How are you feeling about this new year? What is an intention you have set for yourself this new year? How did you celebrate new year’s eve? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I’m so done people making choices for me

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I prepared another blog post but I think it has to wait. I really need to share my feelings and thoughts and I can only do it here in my safe space ๐Ÿ™. I’m in Spain right now and again I feel so bad. It feels like every time I’m in Spain now I get a mental breakdown ๐Ÿ˜ข. It’s horrible because it’s my fav place ever and I’m always so happy to be here. It’s heartbreaking that I’m again so sad, so anxious and so angry. I don’t want to feel bad in Spain again. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. It’s about people making choices for me. I’m sorry if this post is depressing but it’s just how I’m feeling. It’s also always when I feel the worst that I can speak the truth out loud in an authentic and vulnerable way. Maybe it will help others too who are feeling the same way. At the end, we all feel the same things just at different times. The picture below is me crying so hard. I just want to be really honest about that. Maybe it’s a cry of help but it just feels good to share on here.

The flight went well except that we had to walk so much because our luggage was in a different terminal. I’m exhausted from the trip to be honest. We ate some delicious pasta from the airplane, a bread with jamรณn serrano and I ate some delicious ๐Ÿ˜‹ yoghurt ice cream with smarties. We took the train to our home from Madrid. The bad stuff began when we talked with my family in The Netherlands.

I had an appointment for going to the dentist a few days ago in the afternoon and my mother in the morning for control. My family didn’t forget that and my mother said I wasn’t going that day but another day. I’m really exhausted. Then my family said well if you don’t go and come back to Holland then I will make an appointment to go there in the hospital. In Holland you can’t just go to a clinic or private thing because they aren’t specialized with getting wisdom teeth out. It cost more and you have to go to the hospital ๐Ÿฅ. The hospital makes me even more scared.

I said okay and we hang up. It was then when I felt so angry, anxious and sad. I can still feel my heart beating so fast ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ˜” I told my mother the most horrible things like I want to be dead. I wanted to run away and never come back. I slammed the doors so hard. Thank God nothing broke. I still feel bad. It’s not only the dentist thing which triggers me. It’s always people making decisions and choices for me in my life. Saying when I have to go to the dentist. Having to do things I don’t want to. I often do it because I’m a people pleaser. It’s not good. I’m so done with it. I’m always anxious of people being angry at me.

I don’t have the energy anymore. I really don’t. Yes of course I know I have to go to the dentist but just when I feel ready for it which is of course never because it’s a real phobia. I’m waiting for an infection silly me…. ๐Ÿ˜ข. I know our family wants the best for us but not in a good way sometimes. You can’t just force someone. I just would like to feel that sense of having some control over my life. Now I feel that others control my life. I feel obligated to go. It isn’t healthy for me that lack of control over my own life. It’s draining me.

Also clearly some people doesn’t understand my anxiety or any other mental illnesses. It’s so hard to feel so many feelings when someone just don’t understand you. I now I have to calm down but I feel like I don’t want to speak to anyone anymore. I don’t want to see anyone. How can I live my own life when I still feel others have so much influence on me? A few years ago I went to a mental health worker for anxiety and she told me that some people have too much influence on me. I really do love them all but I think she’s right because I just feel like I can’t make my own decisions which at the end makes me so unhappy and anxious in life. It’s important to be able to make your own decisions and live life the way you want.

I know I really have to go to the dentist but it’s just a big phobia I have. I don’t know how to overcome it. At the end all worries are in our mind and it’s nothing like I expect it. Then some people will say you see, you were afraid of nothing. Well, yes but that’s because I suffer from anxiety. That’s also the reason I don’t know if therapy would work for me because my family isn’t in favor of that. I also don’t know if that would benefit me. I just know that after 26 years living on this earth ๐ŸŒŽ it’s time for me to make decisions on my own.

Maybe, I also overreact now much more because I’m so exhausted and didn’t sleep well and enough last night. I also feel so lonely lately. I feel like some friends don’t understand me as well and ignore me. I get angry so easily. I’m not doing okay again and it hurts. I don’t want to see people who don’t care about me. I feel also like I’m hurting my mom which is the one I love the most in this life. It breaks my heart to see her suffering because of me ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข. I don’t want to die of course but I also don’t want to feel like this and live life this way because it hurts me.

Thank you for reading this post. I hope it made any sense. Sorry for the rant. I don’t even know why I’m always apologizing for feeling my feelings. I’m here for you all too โค๏ธ What do you think of all of this? Any advice? Do you also feel like others decide decisions for you in your life? I would really appreciate any thoughts, messages or advice ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™.

Love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

Merry Christmas to all of you! ๐ŸŽ„๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’ƒ๐ŸŒŸโœจ๐ŸŽ…

HO HO HO lovelies ๐Ÿ’ž,

In this blog post I will share some pictures of my Christmas, some thoughts about Christmas and wish you all a Merry Christmas ๐ŸŽ„. I’m still feeling a bit bad. Sometimes I have some cramps or pain in the right side of my stomach. I’m thinking that maybe it could be ovulation pain. My parents thought the same. I hope to feel better soon. At least I have less headaches and my throat is doing better again too. I also have had some problems with my blog as my posts don’t show up in the public reader when you search some tags. I don’t know why. Hopefully, anyone can help me out with this. I would really appreciate that. I was also packing before Christmas to go to Spain this weekend to be able to enjoy Christmas without stressing about that ๐Ÿ˜‚.

Now, let’s talk about Christmas time again. We can get pressured around this time of the year because we are bombarded with positive messages of being happy and of having to enjoy Christmas. While I’m a bit struggling with my health I find it difficult to just be happy because I have to do. I think that’s an unrealistic thought. We have to enjoy Christmas on our way. Do what you love to do. Spend time with your loves ones. Eat what you want to eat and don’t feel any pressure by it. I’m here for anyone who needs it ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ™. It’s okay if your Christmas isn’t happy or if you are struggling. I’m here for you and wish you all the love you need. You are not alone.

This time of the year always makes us reflect on this past year. It make us think of all the people we love. It can make us feel sad and happy. This time of the year can be a hard time for those who are missing someone. I’m thinking of those who are struggling these days with their mental health, physical health or any other struggle of life. You are in my prayers ๐Ÿ™โœจ .

I also really do think that Christmas is about giving and don’t like the consumism and materalism stuff ๐ŸŽ. We don’t have much presents with Christmas because we already celebrated Sinterklaas before. I got amazing presents which you can read in this blog post. I always like to give money for charities and help others in need, not only during Christmas time. A few days ago I donated โ‚ฌ15 for Prinses Mรกxima Centrum which is a hospital dedicated for children with cancer in The Netherlands. I hope my money can help the investigation to make more children better. I also know a little child who has leucemia and is being treated there. She’s a little child, only 6 years old. I know them because of my choir. I wish that she and every little child can get better. They all deserve that so much. I think it’s so important to donate money to good charities and help people in need.

I encourage anyone to give something back this Christmas and whenever you can. Christmas isn’t all about presents, food and all that materialistic stuff. Christmas is about making other people happy and being there for people who need it the most ๐Ÿ’• Make a change and please donate to any charity you like. You will be so thankful and happy that you did. You can also help someone without giving money but give them your time, love and showing them your heart. If someone you know or a stranger is struggling, be there for them. Be the light in those dark times ๐Ÿ’ก. Everyone needs someone sometimes.

I will give this love and light this time to the ones I love and to the ones who need it. We can be each other lights. We can give that light to someone who’s struggling in the darkness. Be that light for someone in need. If that could safe someone’s life and make them feel better then that’s all what counts. There’s nothing what makes me more happier than seeing someone smile because of something I did or some words I said. I wish all of you so much happiness that your heart will glow from golden glitter.

Christmas time for me begins on the 23th of December because it’s such a special date before Christmas. It makes me cry writing and thinking about it ๐Ÿ˜ญ. It’s the wedding anniversary of my parents ๐Ÿ’’. This year they are already 43 years married. I wish them many more years of happiness, luck and love to come. I love them so much ๐Ÿ˜. They are the best parents I could wish for. Thank you mama and papa for always being there for me and for making me believe that real love exists. I’m so blessed to have them in my life. I really can’t live without their love. When I think of someone dying I cry and panic but I have to tell myself to live in the present and that everything is okay now. My daddy was so sick and almost died when I was 11 years old because of an infection in his pancreas and many complications so this universe give him a new opportunity to live. I’m so thankful for that. In the evening my parents are going to the cathedral with an old lady they know. My mother used to clean her house. I used to sing “The nine lessons and carols” but I’m not in that choir anymore. I don’t go because sometimes I get anxiety because of memories. I always use this time to enjoy a bath ๐Ÿ›€ with a Lush bath bomb and paint my nails ๐Ÿ’…. I love to get ready for Christmas and take time for myself. I need me time.

The 24th of December we always celebrate Christmas with the family but this time we celebrated it with the whole family on the 26th which is boxing day. It’s the Second Day of Christmas in The Netherlands. On Christmas Eve my brother Rafael and Verรณnica came to our house and we ate a delicious simple meal. This time my brother, his wife, me and my mother aren’t going to the cathedral but to the church near to our house for the mass. It’s really a tradition to go to church with Christmas ๐ŸŽ„โ›ช. I’m Catholic but don’t know if I believe in God but yes I believe in something, in the universe for sure. There’s a beautiful choir singing. I always feel more safe in this church as it’s more familiar. I don’t want to see all people I know asking questions about my life like when I go to the cathedral. The mass was beautiful. It always makes me feel the Christmas spirit.

I also always wear this Christmas costume like Santa Claus because I enjoy wearing it. My bestie said haha are you going to wear again that wore dress?! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคถ Lol, it’s a bit short that’s why she said that. I never wear it outside though haha it’s way too cold for that. It makes me feel sexy and beautiful. I still can wear it so yeah I enjoy to wear it at home. My family also loves it especially my 4 year old niece. It’s a tradition for me to always wear it until I don’t fit it.

On Christmas day the 25th I enjoyed watching some Christmas movies ๐ŸŽฌ with my parents. Maybe my mother and I would go to the appartment of my brother to see their Christmas tree. The next day, on Boxing Day we celebrated Christmas with the whole family which means with my parents, my two brothers and their wifes and my little niece. We ate a delicious meal which was some meat, potatoes with different sauces and salad. As dessert we had fruits, red fruit mascarpone ice cream ๐Ÿจ and also blackberry juice which my father makes. I loved that so much as it’s very special and so sweet ๐Ÿ˜. His mother also made it when she was alive so the tradition continues. We had such a nice and peaceful time together.

I had a beautiful Christmas time. I also want to say thanks to the mother of my ex lol because we always sent present to her and she to us. It’s already 7 years ago when he broke up with me during Christmas time but I’m finally these last years a bit happy with Christmas and don’t feel that dark cloud so much because of that horrible memory when I felt my world breaking in pieces ๐Ÿ’”. I’m thankful for her beautiful presents which will arrive a week later. I’m also thankful for all the Christmas cards I got from pen pals, blogging friends, friends and family ๐Ÿ’–. I feel all your love. I’m also thankful for the presents I got from Elsie. I loved your presents so much. She sent me this beautiful notebook and the presents you can see below. Thank you Sophia for your amazing presents too. I loved the nail polish as I really need some new ones as most of them are dry haha. I also loved the plate and the wallet. Turqouise is such a beautiful colour. I’m really blessed to be friends with you all. From my brother and his wife I got snowman marshmallows ๐Ÿ˜โ›„ I love to put them in a cup of hot chocolate. It’s delicious ๐Ÿ˜‹

I hope you all will enjoy a beautiful Christmas with the ones you love ๐Ÿ’–. Merry Christmas to all of you! I wish you all love, happiness and luck. I’m so blessed to be part of this beautiful community. I think that’s the best Christmas present I could wish for. Be safe lovelies and enjoy Christmas time on your own way.

Thank you for reading this blog post about Christmas time ๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ…โœจ. I hope you all liked it. How do you celebrate Christmas? Did you enjoy it? What are some traditions you do on Christmas? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

Sinterklaas haul yeahhh ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’ž

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

Today I will share with you all a nice Sinterklaas haul ๐ŸŽ. We celebrated Sinterklaas last Friday at my brother’s appartment with the family. It’s a typical Dutch celebration. I always am looking so forward to this celebration all year long ๐ŸŽ‰. The official day of the celebration is the 5th of December but we celebrated it on the 6th. They say that Sinterklaas is a saint which comes from Spain ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ธ in a boat. If you have been a good child you would get presents. If not, they would make pepernoten of you which are some Dutch sweets and you would be put into the zak van Sinterklaas which goes to Spain hahaha. Some people make surprises on this day, hide presents and make poems. Our family just buys presents for each one of us. I’m excited to share with you all the amazing stuff which I got this year.

A yoga mat!!! ๐Ÿง˜โ€โ™€๏ธ

Finally, I got a yoga mat ๐Ÿ™โœจ. I’m so happy with it. I really hope to use it much at home. I love to practise yoga with Adrienne on Youtube. I have to do it more. I only took some lessons in my life and I really want to go to some lessons when I have more money. The yoga mat is pink and from a real Yoga brand. I don’t know which one because my brother and his wife didn’t told me hahah. It was a nice surprise. It was put into a big box of Samsung and my brother wrote Samsung unstoppable as it’s that slogan. I really do love this yoga mat as it’s beautiful so I really need to get myself on the mat now. My biggest inspiration alive is Yoga Girl ๐Ÿ˜ and I love the Yoga Community. I hope to be able to go to one of her lessons and also go on a retreat in Aruba ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡ผ one day. This is already the first step in making my dream come true. Now, I want to practise it more and become better in it. It could also help me with my back pain and it’s so good for your mental health too. It would make me feel more calm like meditation also does.

Flow magazines ๐Ÿ“š

In the box where the yoga mat was in there were also 5 Flow magazines. I love the Dutch and Belgian Flow magazine. It’s so creative and inspiring. I love the quotes and the stories written. You can find stories of mental health, how to live a simple life, tips to increase happiness and many other inspiring stories. It’s about letting life flow without any hurry and staying in the present moment. With the magazine also come free goodies such as a laptop sticker, notebook, quotes, little cards, stationery. I love that so much.

Flow tear-off calendar ๐Ÿ—“๏ธ

I love those kinds of calendars so much. I always have one in my room. This year I had one of The Bucketlist with quotes and things to do. This year I have again one from Flow ๐ŸŒธ. It isn’t only a magazine, they sell lots of stationery and other things too like this amazing calender. I love the quote on it “It is all about finding calm in the chaos”. This year it comes full of inspiring quotes, advice, photography, life lessons, insights, tips and pages about mental health, psychology and lifestyle. It’s great to begin the day with reading something inspiring โœจ.

Flow book for paper lovers ๐ŸŒธ๐Ÿ˜

THIS IS DEFINITELY ONE OF MY FAV PRESENTS EVAH!!! ๐Ÿ˜ This book from Flow is so amazing and really heaven for any stationery lover. It cointains beautiful writing paper, stickers, quotes, cards, posters and even wrapping paper for presents. I already have one at home but this is the seventh edition which contains much more beautiful and amazing stationery.

Christmas tree pen ๐ŸŽ„๐Ÿ–‹๏ธ

This is a beautiful Christmas tree pen I got. It even has some things on it like little bells haha ๐ŸŽ…. It’s really cute! Maybe it’s a bit difficult to write with it but it could be a nice decoration too.

Advent candle ๐Ÿ•ฏ๏ธ

I got a beautiful hearts advent candle. I love it so much. Anything with hearts is always a must have! I’m the queen of hearts and have loads of stuff in my room with hearts. Yes, I’m that romantic and sensitive girl. The only bad thing is that we use electronic candles at home because my parents are afraid to use real candles โœจ. I still hope to use this one one day hahah ๐Ÿ˜‚.

Chocolate advent calendar ๐Ÿ—“๏ธ๐Ÿซ

I love to have a chocolate advent calendar ๐Ÿ˜. I can’t begin December without one. I have now two because my daddy also got me one when I came back from Spain. That one is a bit messed up because the chocolates got messed up but well now I can eat even more chocolate every day. I have to be careful I don’t get sick of too much chocolate.

Chocolate heaven ๐Ÿซ๐Ÿซ๐Ÿซ

I got so much delicious chocolate. I love it so much. It’s typical to get letters of chocolate. I have got money out of chocolate, two chocolate letters with the letter C (one is with white chocolate with sea salt and the other one with milk), a white chocolate of Sinterklaas, spice nuts also called kruidnoten in The Netherlands with milk chocolate and white chocolats. I also got milk chocolate pralines in a beautiful package. Lastly but not least, I got a delicious marzipan with chocolate. I think I have enough chocolate now haha. Chocolate is just the best and a girl’s best friend โค๏ธ๐Ÿ‘Œ.

Pickwick Joy of tea – Green tropical ๐Ÿต๐Ÿ’ž

Of course, I got tea as I love to drink tea so much. I love to drink Yogi tea which always comes with a quote. I like to try different teas ๐Ÿ’–. This one is from Pickwick and it’s green tropical. It contains ginger, pineapple, coconut and lemon. I think this will be a delicious one.

Christmas socks ๐ŸŽ„

I love these Christmas socks from Primark so much. One pair is with a reindeer on it with little balls and the other one has Christmas balls and rings on it. I love them and I’m sure they are also very cozy.

A mug to paint ๐ŸŽจ

In Spain I have another mug that I still need to paint. Now, I got another mug to paint ๐Ÿ’–. This one is a beautiful swan ๐Ÿฆข. I love to be creative so this would be a nice thing to do as I’ve never done this before. When the painting is finished you have to let it dry in the microwave. I hope it doesn’t explode lol ๐Ÿ˜‚.

Squeeze animal ๐Ÿ˜

This is the squeeze animal I lost in Granada this Summer. I had it in my bed in the hotel but the cleaners threw it away without knowing. It made me really sad. I’m happy to have got the same one back. It’s so cute and it’s good to squeeze it when I’m stressed. It makes me feel more calm ๐Ÿ’œ.

Beauty products ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿšฟ

I got a pink Batiste Dry Shampoo which is the one of Blush – floral and flirty haha. I love it but I also have to use it a bit less because otherwise my hair feels sometimes a bit dry. It’s good for my bangs as that easily gets oily which I don’t like. I also got a Vogue Girl Deodorant. I love the cats one ๐Ÿ˜ป. It smells so good.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you liked my Sinterklaas haul. Which present was your favourite of mine list? Did you love the stationery I got? What’s on your Christmas list this year? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Struggling so much with my mental health ๐Ÿ˜ข

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I’m always honest and 100% vulnerable about my journey of mental health especially on my blog like I said in this blog post. In real life it’s much more difficult to be open about it because I still feel not everyone understands it. There is still a taboo surrounding mental health. People are getting more open but it will still take a lot of time for people to understand that we can get physically but also mentally ill and that there’s no shame to admit that we are struggling. It takes a lot of courage to be open so that’s what I’m going to do right now in this post. I will tell you how I’m feeling because letting these words out make me at least feel less alone. Even writing all of this takes me too much effort ๐Ÿ˜ข.

So, to be honest I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel so hopeless. I’m not okay. I can’t see any point of living anymore in life. I feel like I’m getting depressed. I’m not in danger because I know I never would do something to harm me. I’m just exhausted to go through life while feeling anxious for everything I have to face all the time. I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. I know maybe asking for help would help. I just don’t know if therapy would really help me because I keep thinking of the time I had some form of therapy, 7 sessions and had to vomit every time and my anxiety even got worse…. I still have anti anxiety medication at home from when I got it subscribed by the doctor in Spain. My mother uses diazepam which she also sometimes can give me when I feel really bad. I know the medication benzodiazepines can be addictive but when you use it whenever you need it I guess it’s okay. I mean why are people always saying those bad and negative stuff about using medication for a mental illness when there are people taking medication for their physical health every day? There has to be no difference in this.

I know I’m doing bad because I don’t leave the house often. I can’t sleep good at night and my routine is a mess. I get anxious outside sometimes seeing so much people. Last week I went to a shopping mall and I got anxious in the bus twice. It felt like I couldn’t breath. I was happy to go outside the bus and walk home with my mother. I’m just always so afraid to get a panic attack because it’s the worst. I don’t want to go through that again. The thing is that the more I worry about that, the more it will likely to happen I think. I’m just so anxious about going to the dentist. I think that’s also now the underlying reason of all my anxiety. I keep postponing it when I have an appointment next month in Spain. I’m the most afraid to loose control and to experience a panic attack. I’m so done with experiencing the waves of anxiety. I’m still struggling with finding a job too as I don’t know how to face people and get only rejections. I just want to hide in my bed under a blanket forever. Unfortunately, I know that can’t happen but I still do it most of the time.

I really don’t know what to do to move forward in my life. I lost my hope and will to live. I’m not in crisis and I know I won’t do anything to harm myself. I just don’t know how to come out of this black hole I’m in. Anxiety keeps me from doing the things I love which means following my dreams. My whole existence cause me anxiety. Sometimes I experience anxiety for no reason. I could sit on a chair watching tv and feel that knot in my stomach and that sense of fear. It’s so hard to live your life that way. People sometimes ask me what gives me anxiety and the answer to that question is everything, this life. Sometimes I think anxiety is part of me but I have to know that I have it and that it’s not part of my personality but sometimes it feels that way.

Last night I experienced one of the worst moments of suffering from anxiety. I felt nauseous and was afraid to throw up. That always cause me even more anxiety because I keep thinking no don’t throw up. I had cold and hot flashes. I felt so bad, so bad. I deactivated FB again as social media only give me more anxiety right now and can’t deal with it. I wrote a message on FB of how I was doing and got some nice caring comments from people I care about but my heart was beating so fast then because I’m afraid to open up to people who know me. Here on this blog it’s different. At the end, I slept in my mother’s bed because there I feel more safe with her. I also took valium 4mg which she also takes. It helpt me feeling more calm and be able to sleep. I could finally sleep 11 hours. I just don’t know how to travel back to Holland in a few days in this state. I’m so afraid to get a panic attack or feel this way because it feels like I’m dying. Of course, I know it isn’t true but it’s just the worst thought. My mother already said how powerful our minds are. It’s so scary to be honest ๐Ÿ˜ข. I wish to buy new funcional brains. If someone knows where to buy them, I will buy them in a quick second even if they have to come from Ebay China lol ๐Ÿ˜‚

I’m also a highly sensitive person who suffer from anxiety. It gets harder because I’m already so sensitive for everything. I suffer and cry more but I also love more. I can cry about everything. I get hurt easily when someone says a mean comment. I overthink a lot. I also empathize much more to other people, care about others and love deeper. I’m compassionate and creative. There are a lot of good things I also am but right now I focus too much on the negative things like I can’t do anything right in life.

Yesterday I listened to a podcast of Yoga Girl which was very inspiring and interesting. It was about how this world always value a person when we produce something. If you are working and producing to society you are worthy of love. It feels like we have to be worthy and to be seen when we are succeeding. There is so much wrong in that. I really do wish I could live a life I’m happy of and work in a job which I love but honestly right now I can’t because I’m sick. Capitalism is just so bad. We have to know that we are always worthy of love and that we aren’t alone. We are not what we produce. What matters is not what I do but who I’m. Those words of Yoga Girl sticked in my head and it relates well to this blog post. We are so much more than our jobs, the things we do in life. We are a person with feelings. We are human and we deserve all the love. We are not less than someone else just because we aren’t studying/working because we are physically, mentally or chronically ill. It’s not our fault.

I really wish to get better one day as it’s so exhausting to go through life while feeling anxious all the time. Recovery isn’t lineal and takes a lot of time. I just really don’t like to feel nauseous, dizzy, feeling like I can’t breath or feeling like I have no control over my body and mind. I also believe from what I said earlier that it’s okay to take a break from life. It’s okay to not study/work when you are ill. You deserve to take a rest. Nowadays it seems like being busy is the most important thing in life because of capitalism. It’s all about buying and doing when we just forget to live, to be still and present with our feelings and thoughts.

Always remember, we aren’t alone. We are all in this together. No matter how though life gets we will get through the other end. We will see the light after all the darkness. One step at a time.

Thank you all for reading this honest post about how I’m doing right now ๐Ÿ˜ข. It took me a lot of courage to write this post. What would you advice me to do? What do you do in hard times? How are you feeling right now? I’m always here for you all. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina