World Mental Health Day 2020 πŸ’šπŸ’ͺ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today is World Mental Health Day. Mental health is important every damn day. Mental health is as important as physical health. Today I want to share a poem about mental health. I’m here for you all πŸ™πŸ’ž. This year is even harder for all of us because of being more isolated this year. More people died by suicide and are struggling with their mental health because of the pandemic. I definitely feel this year is really such a struggle. It’s important that we all help each other.

Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness on a daily basis. I can say that we are done about speaking up. It’s time to change the whole mental health care system. The waiting lists are too long, the help is too late at times and there are no funds for good treatments. This is a worldwide issue which definitely need to change in all countries. Voting a political party which listen to our needs could make a change. There needs to be done so much in our society until everyone can get the help they need whenever they need it.

I’m so thankful for the support I have here online. I love the blogging mental health community. I love the support I get from my family especially my mother. She knows how to care for me and love me especially on the days I feel bad. I love my friends, pen pals and online friends so much too. I take anti anxiety meds when I need them like when I go to the dentist, have to fly or any other situation which makes me anxious and out of control. Everyone deals with it on their own way. There’s no right way. I don’t know whether I will go therapy once and that would help me. It’s also not okay to push someone into doing something they don’t think would help. Healing and recovery isn’t linear and it different for everyone. I think sometimes we just have to find a way with living with it. Writing, doing yoga, blogging, singing, listening to music, being with my loved ones, walks in nature, the sea, surfing, reading, meditation, speaking with someone I trust are all important tools that make me feel better. I hope you also have some great resources that will help you in your life. Mental health illnesses are so complexed, different and hard to treat. I guess at one point it will get better. We have to fight for that day and stay together.

This is the most vulnerable video I made. It’s a spoken poem for today. I hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggle and know that we are all in this together ❀️πŸ’ͺ I love you all so much.

View this post on Instagram

Today it's World Mental Health Day. This has to be every day and not just one day in a year. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness on a daily basis. I can say that we are done about speaking up. It's time to change the whole mental health care system. The waiting lists are too long, the help is too late at times and there are no funds for good treatments. This is a worldwide issue which definitely need to change in all countries. Voting a political party which listen to our needs could make a change. There needs to be done so much in our society until everyone can get the help they need whenever they need it. This is the most vulnerable video I made. It's a spoken poem for today. I hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggle and know that we are all in this together ❀️πŸ’ͺ I love you all so much. I close my eyes All I see and feel is darkness I feel lost I'm not myself anymore My chest feels tight I'm breathing faster My heart rate is racing So many thoughts about the future I'm nauseous I'm getting dizzy Cold Warm I'm getting crazy Why can't I just feel like a normal person? I began to cry What's happening to me? This is what it feels to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks It's the worst 1 of 5 people suffer on a daily basis with their mental health Depression, bipolar, borderline, eating disorder, psychoses, anxiety, ocd Any person can suffer from one or more of them They all matter No matter your nationality, gender, age, race Mental illnesses are real There's no need to shame What we need is compassion, support and respect A better mental health system Every illness counts Time is ticking It's time to save lives Change the mental health care system We don't want more deaths We want better treatments available for all Because We all deserve to feel safe, loved and get the help we need whenever we need it Our time is now Let's all fight for a better system and society We are not alone We are all in this together always πŸ’ͺ❀️ We are warriors πŸ’ͺ Love you all Amen β€οΈπŸ™

A post shared by Sea of words 🌊 (@seaofwordsblog) on

I close my eyes
All I see and feel is darkness
I feel lost
I’m not myself anymore
My chest feels tight
I’m breathing faster
My heart rate is racing
So many thoughts about the future
I’m nauseous
I’m getting dizzy
Cold
Warm
I’m getting crazy
Why can’t I just feel like a normal person?
I began to cry
What’s happening to me?

This is what it feels to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks
It’s the worst
1 of 5 people suffer on a daily basis with their mental health
Depression, bipolar, borderline, eating disorder, psychoses, anxiety, ocd
Any person can suffer from one or more of them
They all matter
No matter your nationality, gender, age, race
Mental illnesses are real
There’s no need to shame
What we need is compassion, support and respect
A better mental health system
Every illness counts
Time is ticking
It’s time to save lives
Change the mental health care system
We don’t want more deaths
We want better treatments available for all
Because
We all deserve to feel safe, loved and get the help we need whenever we need it
Our time is now
Let’s all fight for a better system and society
We are not alone
We are all in this together always πŸ’ͺ❀️
We are warriors πŸ’ͺ
Love you all
Amen β€οΈπŸ™

Remember, you are never alone. Like Ram Dass says, we are walking each other home. We are here for each other. I really wouldn’t know where I would be without all of you. My blog. My safe space. It’s so good to have a place where you feel like you can be yourself. I never felt this way before. I have always felt the feeling that I don’t belong anywhere. I never felt at home until I went to NYC and spoke at the United Nations and when I did my internship in Valladolid. Those places reminded me that good people exists. I also never felt at home until I began this blog. I didn’t knew so many awesome, inspirational and good people exists. Sometimes we forget it because of all what’s going on in the world. When there’s so much negative news we sometimes go into a dark hole and can only see the negative side of this world. I’m happy that thanks to blogging I know there are so many people who want you to be happy, healthy and will support you along your way.

Thank you a million times for always being there for me. There will be good and hard times in life. As long as we are together we will be fine because we will support each other along the way in this crazy adventure called life. I hope we can all meet one day, have deep talks and enjoy life together. I can’t wait to see you all making your wildest and biggest dreams coming true. I will always be cheering you from the side. You are not alone. You are kind. You are loved. Always remember too, you are enough. Don’t let society make you feel like you are not. Your mental health illness doesn’t define you as a person. I sometimes also feel like I’m an anxious person but it’s more like I suffer from anxiety. I’m not my anxiety. We aren’t our illness. We are much more than that. It isn’t our choice to be sick.

Thank you all for reading and watching my video. I hope it made you feel less alone and inspired you 🌌🌠. What do you think need to change in the mental health care system? What does make you feel better? How are you feeling now? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Feeling done with this world πŸ˜’πŸ’”

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I will write a not so happy blog post. I like to share about my favourites and music reviews but I love to just write anything what’s on my mind because then I’m writing from my heart to yours. It makes me feel a bit better to let my thoughts go and I also hope it will help others to feel less alone. We all struggle in life with things only not at the same time. I hope I won’t sound too depressive but I just really don’t feel okay lately. Everything feels heavy and too much. I’m always my authentically self on this blog so I will try to be honest about my feelings and thoughts. When Summer ends I always feel this way because I’m a Summer girl forever. I don’t like dark days and less sun light.

I don’t know why I feel this way lately. Maybe it’s the thought of having to go back to Holland in two weeks. I have been SO happy here in Spain. I have been eating tapas a lot, drinking delicious milkshakes and ice creams, went swimming, went on a trip to the beach with my mother and surfed after 4 years πŸ„πŸŒŠ which I will share soon with you all, went for walks and saw my friends here a lot. I really have been enjoying life so much.

A few nights ago I cried about thinking having to go back to The Netherlands πŸ˜­πŸ’”. I don’t want. I’m just SO done with leaving my happy place. I love The Netherlands too. I love to see my friends and family there too of course. I’m just SO much happier in Spain. Just writing this makes me cry so much again. I just want to live here forever. I also experience anxiety here but at the end my heart longs for Spain. I’m also anxious that we won’t be able to go again for a long time because of the pandemic. I applied for jobs without any luck. If there’s one thing I know for sure is that I want to live in Spain permenantly.

I also feel anxious and depressed again to go to the dentist. I’m happy it went again well. In this blog post I talk about my experience of my second wisdom tooth removal. I still have to go twice but I’m more anxious for the lower wisdom teeth because they are in my gum. I don’t know whether to do it here now or in a few months. I’m really dreading it. I love this dentist but that doesn’t mean I’m not anxious to go anymore. Still feeling anxious and not okay. It’s still no fun. It isn’t a trauma and didn’t hurt that much afterwards. The only thing is that with the lower wisdom teeth extraction it will hurt a bit more. He said one or two points more, nothing like a brave women like you won’t be able to tolerate. It was really sweet what he said but I feel like I don’t want to be brave anymore.

I feel depressed lately and anxious 😞. I don’t know how to live life without feeling constantly anxious about something whether that’s going to the dentist, flying, going to an interview or anything else. I feel like I have no purpose and will never achieve my dreams because of anxiety. Then a friend of me said that it would be good to go to therapy. Well, I had some talks in the past and had to vomit every time and felt even more depressed and worse afterwards. I don’t want to go through that again. I also don’t like people giving me advice because like Yoga Girl said, we know ourselves the best. I love to get tips and recommendations but at the end this is my life. I just hate when people tell me what to do even though some will mean it well. I’m a helper and I have pleases way too many people in my life who didn’t deserve it. It’s my turn now to choose what’s right for me even though I sometimes don’t have any clue and feel lost as hell in life.

Everything what’s happening in this world right now also makes me feel totally not okay. I deactivated FB and my personal Instagram. Sometimes I think of deleting it all but that’s maybe too much I will just take a break. I’m done with seeing happy perfect pictures and fake lives. Inspiring people is what makes me happy and following others who inspire me too such as Yoga Girl, artists and other people. Social media often gived such as a false view of life. What you see isn’t real. I think that makes us all feel even worse especially when we are dealing with mental health illnesses such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, eating disorder or any other. To see people living their life best while you are not feeling okay will not help you. I giess it’s important to have a social media detox. I feel different while blogging because I’m just completely myself without feeling I will be judged. Blogging is my safe space and will always be πŸ™πŸ’–.

Everything feels too heavy for me lately. I decided to stop watching news or anything triggering my mental health too. It’s not being egoistic but I really can’t deal with any negative news happening in this world anymore. It’s too much for my highly sensitive brain. I can’t take it anymore. I think for the people who are already sensitive for negativity and also are struggling in life, this pandemic hit really hard. I remember when it all began in March and I was just lying in bed thinking about the world ending. I still sometimes think of this question: How can I cope in this world when I don’t see any light in the tunnel? When is this going to end? My anxiety goes to the roof when I don’t know the end point of something. I know that when I go to the dentist half hour later I feel okay again. With this it’s different. No one knows when this pandemic will end and if it will end one day. It makes it definitely more scary which makes me feel even more anxious.

I’m happy I live a more normal life here in Spain. For many months I was at home and only going on a few walks. I have been doing loads of fun stuff here but always doing social distance, wearing a mask which I hate because it gets so warm, and washing my hands a lot. I just feel that even though we have the internet, it makes us feel more isolated and lonelier too. Yes, video calls and chatting is nice but it will NEVER replace real human connection. Seeing each other face to face and hugging each other is the most valuable things ever in life. Having a vulnerable conversation with someone we love, crying on someone’s their shoulder, helping a stranger, giving someone a hug will never be the same online. The online world will never give you the same feelings. Seeing everyone being afraid of each other and not wanting to be near to them breaks my heart even more. Really?! What has the world become? I know they are many things to be grateful for like being more present, slowing down and spending time in nature. It’s just really hard sometimes.

This was basically my rant of how I feel in life regarding to the pandemic, this world and just my feelings. I hope we all have a safe space to be able to talk about our feelings without being judged. I’m here for you all and hope you are all being safe πŸ™πŸ’–.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. How are you all doing? What are some tips you have for me for coping with anxiety with everything what’s happening in this world? Do you also feel better when doing a social detox? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

July favourites πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡ΈπŸŒŠ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I’m really behind some blog posts like my favourites and music reviews which I do every month. I don’t want to feel like blogging is chore because otherwise it ain’t no fun anymore. It just makes me frustrated at times. I still want to keep this series going but not if I get frustrated of not writing it one month. It doesn’t matter right?! It’s okay to write it whenever I feel the passion for it. Let’s move on to my favourites of July. It was a beautiful month πŸ’•. It seems SO long time ago when it’s just two months ago. I experienced beautiful things such as finally going to Spain, beach days in The Netherlands, had a lunch date with my bestie, bought a beautiful bikini from the surf brand Billabong and more I will share below.

Things I did with my lovely family πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘¦:

Celebrating the birthday of my brother and niece πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‚πŸŽˆ

Finally after more than a half year I saw my brother and niece πŸ˜πŸŽ‰. We hadn’t seen them since Christmas time. They live in the South of The Netherlands. It’s almost two hours by car. Due to the pandemic we haven’t seen them which made me feel so sad. Of course we used video call a lot but it’s not the same. My brother’s birthday was on the 14th of July and my niece turned 5 years on the 16th of July. I bought my niece a snow ball to colour in the pages and some glitter stickers which she loves a lot (and me too!! haha!!). I bought my brother some stuff for the kitchen which he needed and Happy Socks 🧦 which he loves a lot. He was very happy with the presents. I missed them so much.

I wish my niece could stay always that little. She’s a lovely princess πŸ‘Έ. Sometimes I wish to be that little again because you see the world with different eyes. I loved how she whispered in my ears if we could go to my room and play. My room is a fair for her 🎑. It’s full of stuff and colours and cute items. Noanne also said that I’m so sweet. My heart melts with her sweet words. She said she would find shells on the beach and think of me. She learns me how to love myself on the moments when I feel I can’t love myself. I love to hear her talking about the universe, the sun 🌞, the moon 🌜, the stars ✨, dinosaurs and everything. They say you learn the most of children which is so true. Their beliefs aren’t shaped. The world is their playground. I truly believe and feel with all that’s happening in the world, we have to go back and find our inner child and play. I don’t mean ignoring the pain and suffering in the world. I just think it’s important to have a balance with that and to always be reminded that there’s still a child in us who would love to be free, wild and making their biggest dreams come true. We need to care about our inner child always. Love yourself just like a child does.

Travelling to Spain ✈️πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡Έ

I’m SO happy to be back in Spain after 7 months. I’ve missed it so much. I’m happy to see my friends again. You can read about my trip with my mother HERE. I never want to go back to The Netherlands. I love Spain so much and really can’t wait to find work here and live here forever 😍. I love the people, the food, the sunshine every day and it’s such a beautiful country where you can enjoy mountains, beaches, desserts, forest and just anything. I was anxious to travel but everything went well. I hope that we can keep coming back because I don’t want again to wait so long to go back to Spain. I was also happy to see my friends from my studies at the station of Madrid. It was such a coincidence. I hope to see you guys soon.

Beach days in The Netherlands 🌊🌞

I finally went to the beach after almost one year. My heart was craving it so much. I missed my happy home, my paradise πŸ’ž. The sea heals everything. I’m forever a mermaid πŸ§œβ€β™€οΈ. One day I will live at the ocean and will never have to leave again. We went biking for 18 km. We ate delicious kibbeling, potatoes, salad and a swirl ice cream. It was delicious. Fortunately, it was only raining a bit and we could enjoy the sunshine. Pura vida! We also saw bambi in the dunes. So cute! So blessed with this beautiful world we live in. It’s the little things which mean the most in life. I loved seeing my dear friend from primary school and from my choir at the beach. I missed you so much! It’s been years since we saw each other. I hope to see each other soon again.

Golden hour at the beach πŸŒ…

I’m happy we finally went swimming in the sea. That day we ate a delicious salad at a beach restaurant. We enjoyed a beautiful sunset on the beach. It’s one of those beautiful moments you wish that last forever. So magical and pure πŸ₯°. My wild heart is full of freedom, love and happiness on the beach. The bad thing was that we biked 🚲 for 30 km long haha . On the way back home the bridge was broken so we had to go through whole Haarlem to go back home. Our home is surrounded by water so we really needed to through another bridge to come home lol. It was a beautiful and unforgettable day.

Enjoying ice creams πŸ¨πŸ˜‹

I enjoyed some delicious ice creams with my mother. I love the Italian ice creams near to where my brother lives. We always go by bike. I had one with mint chocolate chip ice cream and straciatella. My mother had one with lemon and whipped cream. It was all so delicious!

Watched The Beauty and the Beast, Grease and Up for love 🎬

I watched some nice movies with my mother. I loved The Beauty and the Beast so much. One of my favourite actresses is Emma Watson. She is the best! I cried watching this beautiful movie. I loved it so much. I also loved watching Grease on a Summer night in Holland. Grease is just such a feel good movie and perfect for the Summer. I love the songs so much. They make me SO happy. I watched with my parents Up for love too which is a movie about a man who is very little and falls in love with a woman. They make jokes about him because of his length. It’s a great movie which let us see that everyone deserve the right to live a good life and that people have to be more kind to each other and not judge anyone.

Things I did with my lovely friends πŸ’•:

Lunch date with my bestie along the river in Haarlem πŸ’ž

I had such a great day with my bestie in Haarlem. We basically ate and drank all day long hahaha. That’s why we are best friends 😍🍴. We had a delicious lunch at Ted’s place. We loved it so much. My bestie ate a portobello sandwich with hummus and spinach and I had a delicious vegan French toast with fruits, almond milk, cinnamon sugar and maple syrup. I also loved the fruit smoothie so much with acai, strawberry, blueberry, blackberry, banana and more. It was such a aesthetic place to eat. The sun was shining too which was perfect. I’m also happy I finally bought some Summer clothes. As dinner we ate at Freakin Vegan. We loved the burger, wrap and green tea. We ate the whole day vegan and I LOVED IT. I can’t wait to eat more vegan food because it’s better for the environment, good for your health and it’s delicious too πŸ˜‹.

Beautiful pen pal letters πŸ’Œ

I got some beautiful letters this month. I got one from Rosie which I loved so much. I loved the goodies too. I loved the quote card. I got a new pen pal friend too. I loved the post from Katherine. I also loved the mail from my lovely friend Chloe. The handmade card from sunshines is so cute and makes me SO happy!! I also love the moon card and the stickers. Thank you for being one of my best friends. I love you all so much.

Sharing circle with Yoga Girl πŸ’–βœ¨

I loved the first sharing circle I joined on Zoom. I was anxious to do it. It was the best thing ever. It’s so special and so sacred. Thank you Rachel and the whole Yoga Girl team for making this happen. I love this community so much. Together with more than 60 people we entered a safe space to share our feelings, thoughts and we hold space for each other. We listened and did meditation all together. It was SO pure, honest and beautiful I cried. Then we met our partner and talked about our struggles with them. One has to speak and the other has to stay silent. You think that’s easy but it isn’t. We are so tend to intreput each other and give each other advice. Rachel said we have the answers in our own heart. We always seek advice from others but we know ourselves the best. We have to listen more in life instead of talking. We need our hearts to hold space for us. I loved my sharing partner from Germany. It was an amazing talk. Thank you so much! I can’t wait to go to a yoga retreat in Aruba πŸ‡¦πŸ‡Ό too. We are all walking each other home. Love you all! πŸ’–

Other amazing things of July πŸ’–:

New bikini from Billabong πŸ‘™

I finally got a new bikini!!! I really needed one because the ones I have are too big now. I think it’s because of washing them. I bought one online and thank God it fit perfectly. I love all the surf brands πŸ„β€β™€οΈ. Billabong is one of my favourites. I love the new bikini which is green, black together with sunflowers on it. I’m using it a lot this Summer. It costed €40 instead of €70 so big sale. I bought it on Zalando. I love this website.

New dresses and floral shorts πŸ‘—

I bought some nice clothes the day I went on a lunch with my bestie in H&M. I bought some nice floral shorts and a red dress. I didn’t had any Summer clothes in The Netherlands so I really needed to have some haha. I also bought a beautiful blue floral dress from Shein. I’m happy with my new clothes.

Virtual concert of Operación Triunfo 🎢

I saw a virtual concert of the Spanish talent show OperaciΓ³n Triunfo. It was from Madrid, WiZink Center. I loved it so much. I was also a virtual public there. They could see us from the stage. I danced a lot, sang and had lots of fun πŸ’ƒπŸŽ€. Of course, I miss going to concerts. I really can’t wait to go to a concert again because it has been more than a year since I last went to one. There’s nothing more precious than being in a concert and seeing your favourite artist live. It gives me so much happiness and makes me feel so alive!!

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you liked it. Do you like my new bikini and new clothes? Do you like to eat vegan food? What did you do in July? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I faced my anxiety again and got my second wisdom tooth extraction! πŸ’ͺπŸ¦·πŸ‘Š

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

On the 24th of August I faced my dentist anxiety again. By then I still had to get rid of three wisdom teeth. Now only two 🦷🦷 lol it sounds less which makes me feel a bit more calm and happier. Yeahhhh I say byebye again to one wisdom tooth! πŸ˜‚. In this blog post I will tell you about my experience. I always love to talk about the things I fear on my blog and also related to anxiety because I know I’m not the only one facing these fears. It makes me feel less alone and writing release some anxiety which always good. Writing means healing and letting go.

So, the night before I was SO anxious again 😭. People say that the more you do something, the less scared you are. It ain’t no true when you suffer from a mental illness like anxiety. I still feel anxious even if I do something a million times like flying or going to the dentist. My heart was beating fast the night before and the day itself which was Monday. My appointment was late in the afternoon. I felt nauseous too. I always don’t eat much when I do something which scares me because otherwise I have to tendency to vomit because of anxiety. It always makes me feel ashamed to admit that but it doesn’t matter because everyone has something. There’s no person in this world who is never anxious. I just feel it a million times more which makes it so hard. The last time I went for a wisdom tooth extraction was in January. This time I could except more what would happen which maybe made me feel a bit more grounded. I also went swimming a lot the days before and did some meditation but I still felt so anxious.

I deciced together with my dentist that the best thing is to do it one by one. People said to me why don’t you just get rid of the four in one time. That treatment would be longer, I would have more pain and even more anxiety. Here in Spain they do it one by one, much better. Besides, I have to do what makes me feel good and not what other people except me to do. As I suffer from anxiety, I prefer to do things in parts. If you are anxious about something like going to the dentist or studying for an exam, a good way to release some anxiety is to break that daunting task into little parts. This way your brain will take it better. For me it works. I get really overwhelmed when I have to do something scary all at once.

The thing which makes me keep going to the dentist even though I’m scared is trust. I trust this dentist and his team. I trust them with all my heart πŸ’–πŸ™. I’m always afraid of people hurting me because of being bullied in the past. It makes me trust people less. Here I feel safe and respected. If I’m anxious, so be it. If I cry then that’s okay too. Trusting in people whether those are professionals, your friends or family is so important. We all need this in life. It gives us a sense of safety. I had to wait at the dental clinic with my mother for more than a half hour because there were more people. I drank some water and prefered to wait there then go outside. I was the last one because they close at 8.30/9.00 PM. Fernando (the dentist) came and I was like bybye I will go run away 🀣. He found that funny. I love it how you can call them their first names and they do the same with me. It makes it all less scary and more familiar.

So, I lay down and said how I would prefer to be on a beach right now. He laughed. I really find it funny how dentists talk with their patients while they are doing stuff in their mouth it’s like halooooo how can I talk normally?! I know they do it to ease the tension and be less anxious. Just when he was putting the local anesthesia in my mouth he asked me if I was working or studying. I said no. I said that I spent my time crying and having anxiety in life. It’s not totally true but I said that I’m also writing for some poetry competitions. Unfortunately I didn’t win any of them. Then he said oh you can have a blog. I said that I have one. I said: “I wrote about you haha”. Fernando: “I hope it was something positive.” I said: “No haha πŸ˜‚.” He looked at me like big eyes πŸ‘€. I was like no of course something positive! πŸ’ž He was happy to hear that. End well haha. It’s so nice to talk to him because it feels like I’m talking to a friend instead of a doctor.

This time I felt the needle πŸ’‰ of the local anesthesia even less. I got again the squeeze shark haha 🦈. I have it in my hands and can squeeze it. It helps for people who are anxious. Fidget toys help too. Fernando is even specialised in people who have anxiety because he definitely makes me feel so at peace. He said breath in slowly, breath out slowly and it worked. Then my mouth was numb and he could take my teeth out. It took a bit more time to get this teeth out but eventually it went well. All the time he asked if I had pain and I said no. I just felt some pressure. Then I heard click and that moment was the one he took my teeth out. There wasn’t even much blood. This time I saved the teeth. It’s now at home haha I will keep it for the tooth fairy lol. I wish I were that young again. I don’t know what he does but he is amazing. Best dentist evah. I really love them so much 😍😭.

He prescribed me again antibiotics, probiotics and ibuprofen for the pain. We had a lovely chat afterwards. He said that maybe I could have low blood pressure if sometimes I’m dizzy and anxious. He wanted to go to Mallorca but this year he won’t go on holidays because of the pandemic. I told him he is very tan haha. He is just really handsome. We got a free toothpasta. He said he don’t watch so much news which is much better. Then he told us a horrible story. Fernando said a man from 82 years old died by suicide this year because he was done with reading only negative news πŸ˜”πŸ˜’. It really hit him because he was a patient of him. It happened in front of the dental clinic. It’s really horrible to know that so many people are suffering now from mental health illnesses and nobody is doing saying anything about it. This pandemic is hitting us all hard economically, health wise too and mentally. I stopped reading and watching the news these last months because I couldn’t cope with it too. I get into a negative and anxious spiral which is difficult to get out of. I just want to know some stuff regarding travelling because we are always between Spain and The Netherlands but that’s it. I know me, my mother and my friends follow the safety measures which are washing our hands, wearing a mask and do social distance. I can’t control others so that’s it. It makes me so sad that this man didn’t had any support and felt so low to end his life. My heart is with him.

After this talk Fernando said don’t forget to have the gauze 20 minutes. I said yes but uhhh it was 30 minutes, right?! He said 10 minutes has passed now haha talking. We both laughed lol I really these chats so much. Everything goes so smoothly and so chill. It feels like I’m chilling with a friend. I have felt so much emotions these days. I was feeling low and high on energy. After having so much anxiety I felt relief and I felt again the feeling of letting something go. I may loose all my wisdom teeth but at the end I gain wisdom from this experience. I felt also very tired these days, maybe it’s because of the meds. The first night I couldn’t sleep on the side I always sleep so it frustated me. I had pain for a few days and now I feel almost like normal again. I ate solid food, some soft bread, gazpacho which is a delicious cold Spanish soup, tortilla de patata, pasta and veggie pures. It was all so delicious. I miss pizza πŸ•πŸ˜‹ though haha.

On Wednesday I went again for a check up at the dentist I had this white dress on and make up. I love to look good for myself. Then I was sitting on the chair and he said that I looked very good (EstΓ‘s muy guapa). And then without thinking I said haha for you πŸ˜‚. This is me being direct always 🀭. Fernando found it funny lol. He also said that the lower wisdom teeth removal will hurt a bit more but nothing like a brave woman like me won’t be able to tolerate. I felt completely flattered. If more men would be like him, this world would definitely be a better place. Of course, I love to look well for me. I will never ever again change myself for anyone. In the past I’ve done that which means wearing high heels for my ex but I really hated it. He said it made me have more self confidence. Wrong!!!! I did that for him. He said all girls wear high heels. I let the wild woman roar 🐺, the more authentic and honest I’m with myself. Not everyone likes that but that doesn’t matter. This is me. I’m my beautiful self which is the best way I can be. I’m a wild woman, watch me rise up πŸ”₯

The thing is that sometimes I feel like I’m in love with this dentist 😍πŸ₯°. Maybe it’s just me being cray cray haha. I think this feeling is normal when doctors take such good care of you, respect you and know how to care about your mental health too. I come from a traumatic experience in The Netherlands where a dentist said I’m childish and 15 years old. Now, I have a totally different experience which makes me feel in awe with the world. There are so many good people out there who wants best for you. Someone who gets me when I’m anxious deserves it all. I really need it. I don’t know if these feelings are mutual lol in love what?! I guess he just knows how to be there for me and make me feel less anxious. I hope that the next two times I have to go will go also well even though I still will be anxious. That will not change because I’m an anxious person but of course it’s not part of my personality. It will never be. I’m a loving, sensitive and caring person who suffers from anxiety. That’s the difference. We are all in this together. We are never alone in our struggles. I’m always here for you all πŸ™.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you liked it. Did you also had to have a wisdom teeth extraction? Was it painful? What do you think of the things my dentist said to me? Is it love haha? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina

Happy three year blogging anniversary! πŸŽ‰πŸŒ»βœ¨πŸŒˆβœŒοΈπŸ˜πŸŽˆ

Hey lovelies πŸ’ž,

I’m so happy to write this blog post! On the 16th of August my blog turned three years πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‚πŸΎπŸŒˆπŸ˜. Happy three years blogging anniversary to my lovely blog and safe space! ✨ I can’t believe I’m blogging for three years already. I even forgot that it was today due to the crazy times we live in right now. I never take my blog for granted. I’m so proud of this achievement. My life wouldn’t be the same without my blog. It’s a seed 🌱 I planted 3 years ago which grew. I’ve almost 500 followers now. I will tell about some blogging plans I have in this blog post, some statistics and just some thank you words because I’m so grateful for all of you who have supported me during this crazy adventure. I love you all so much πŸ’ž.

I have always loved writing. I used to write in journals and diaries πŸ“. I still write some of my thoughts and poetry in a journal. I would love to use it more though. Writing is a form of expressing myself in a way I can’t while speaking. I also would love to be able to write some songs because I love singing too. Writing definitely heals our heart. We are told to not share our struggles or our feelings when it’s so much better if we do it in order to heal our hearts. Blogging makes me so happy. I never knew that I would meet so many amazing and beautiful people like you all are. You all mean the world to me. I really wouldn’t know what I would do without you all. Your support and love makes my heart glow from happiness. You all mean so much to me. You make me all so happy and I love to get inspiration from you all. I hope you also get inspired ✨ by my words and feel less alone.

To be honest, I never expected my blog to grow and find such inspirational people on there. I remember I was searching on Google three years ago on how to gain followers or grow my blog. If I knew back then that it will just happen day by day. I just have to be myself and create quality content. It has to make me happy and if it makes me happy then it can make others happy too. Not everyone has to like you and you have to be okay with that. There will be always people out there who won’t agree with you but that doesn’t make you a bad person. Not everything is about us. The internet can be a nasty place but also such a beautiful one. The blogging community is the loveliest community ever. We all respect each other and are there for each other. It’s so rare to find nowadays. I love to write about mental health, self love, feminism, travel trips, poetry, books, new music which comes out and just anything I love or want to share. I don’t like to have a special niche because I love to write about anything I like without having to limitate myself. I’ve always a lot on my mind so I love to share it with you guys haha πŸ˜‚β€οΈ.

Now, I would love to share some blogging statistics from this year. I love to be able to look back and think about how much my blog grew during these three years.

Some blogging statistics from this year:

Followers: 499 (Almost 500 whoehoe, last year I had 379)

Blog posts: 211

Views: 20.384 (Wow over 20K!)

Visitors: 12.584

Best day: April the 7th 2019, the day I got the most views

Day most popular: Monday, a new week! (18%)

Hour most popular: 11:00 PM (6%)

Some of my blog posts wich are the most popular and got the most views were:

I will never hurt people the way they hurt me (444 views)

Hey, you. Don’t give up, okay? βœ¨ (394 views)

I feel like everyone is living their best life, except me (311 views)

A to Z of my favourite things in life (300 views)

Do you think it’s possible that some people are born to give more love than they will ever get back in return? πŸ’• (1002 views, I guess many followers come to my blog from this blog post, it’s also one of my favourite posts)

Top 10 countries that have visited my blog 🌍:

I find this such an amazing thing to look at when I look at the statistics. So many people from all over the world visit my blog. It’s so crazy! I think it’s amazing. Sometimes I also see countries which I don’t know such as Palau, Togo or The European Union lol which is not a country. I exactly know which bloggers friends visit my blog when I look at the stats haha.

1. United States (3713 views)

2. United Kingdom (937 views)

3. India (866 views)

4. Canada (465 views)

5. The Netherlands (453 views, including my views haha)

6. Philippines (338 views including me)

7. South Africa (313 views)

8. Indonesia (259 views)

9. Australia (246 views)

10. Singapore (210 views)

One of my blogging plans in the future would be to go self hosted one day. I will do that when I don’t have any free space left. I’m anxious to do that because I heard stories of bloggers loosing their content. If you do it on WordPress it wouldn’t be a problem, right?! I would love to learn more about this topic. I also would love to be able to maybe earn money from my blog. I invest so much time in it and I’m still looking for a career. I would love to be able to gain money while being a writer. I hear people saying how difficult it is. I know that already but what if I make my dreams come true. What if we all make our wildest and biggest dreams come true? 🌠 It doesn’t matter what others tells us because we have the right to persue whatever we want to achieve. I believe the universe has a plan for all of us.

One of my other goals is to gain 1000 followers. It isn’t about the followers but it’s nice to be able to reach this blogging milestone. It will take time and patience and I will keep blogging. I don’t like all those influencers and people only focusing on followers and numbers because it isn’t the most important thing. It isn’t real. I would rather have less followers but the ones I have being active and not passive followers or ghost followers which exists a lot these days. I also don’t like those bots on Instagram which only post disgusting comments always. It’s annoying πŸ˜’.

I also would love to be able to meet you all one day 😍. That’s one of my biggest dreams because it would be so nice to finally be able to see you and hug you all. We can’t hug now due to this pandemic but hopefully soon we can. I would love to guide you in Spain or in The Netherlands. I would also love to be able to travel to your country and see more of the world. I love travelling the world. I would love to talk with you about my life, dreams, fears, the things I love or just anything. We could go for a drink, eat some delicious tapas, go to a concert together 🎢, write blog posts together, sing, dance πŸ’ƒ, surf πŸ„β€β™€οΈ, take pictures and just enjoy each other’s company. It would make me the happiest girl in the world. I’ve made life long friends because of blogging.

I just want to say thank you for everything. I’m so blessed to have you all in my life πŸ™βœ¨ I love my real life friends and online friends so much.  Everytime I feel my life is turning upside down and I feel like the clouds are crying with me I turn to my blog and I begin to write about everything what’s on my mind no matter how dark or heavy it’s. You guys always help me in these moments. You are always there for me. I appreciate that so much. It feels good to know that I’m not alone in my struggles and that there’s someone who understands me and cares about me even when we have never have met. Online friends are real friends too. I can’t wait to meet you all one day. We will ALWAYS be friends ❀️ yeahhh.

Thank you all for reading this happy blog post. I hope you liked it. What do you love about my blog? Do you think we will ever meet? Do you think that internet friends can be real friends too? What are some blogging plans you have? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much πŸ˜πŸ’žβœ¨,

xoxo Christina

Holaaa from Spain after 7 months not being able to travel! πŸ˜πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡ΈπŸŒŠπŸŒžπŸŒ΄πŸŒ»

Hola lovelies πŸ₯°,

I’m finally back in Spain since last Tuesday. I CRY BECAUSE I MISSED IT SOOOO MUCH 😍πŸ₯ΊπŸ₯°. Just writing this makes me cry again and gets me so emotional. I’m behind some other posts but I think I’m not going to write them anymore. I have been feel a bit stressed about my blog lately like I have to blog about this, not miss this and it’s not good. I’m always a perfectionist so when I finally do something after procastinating then I want to do it good. I prefer quality blog posts then just posts for the sake of it. This blog post will be about my journey to Spain, how I feel, things I have on my mind and how things are right now due to this pandemic. I really missed having a good chat with you guys. This post is basically going to be a rant haha πŸ˜‚. I hope you will like it.

I can’t believe we are already in August like wtf this year is the longest and the shortest ever 😳. How do you feel about it? So much has happened in the world these months because of the pandemic. I really imagine myself cheering the new year last year and we all didn’t know what was about to come. It makes me feel bittersweet though. I don’t know how to feel about a new year coming because I don’t know what we have to except. The best thing is having no expectations and just going with the flow. I read a beautiful quote a few days ago which said that so much can happen in 6 months which is true. So, I hope these last 5 months will turn out fine or better than these last months.

In my life, not that much has happened. I still have no job but right now it’s even more difficult to find one related to what I studied. I studied European Studies which is a broad study with a wide range of subjects such as marketing, languages, international relations and politics. I also really find myself thinking of how I would love to make a living out of writing. I crave it so badly. I also love doing yoga, reading, travelling, singing and surfing so much. I’ve also sometimes dreamt about how amazing it would be to build a surf school related to mental health problems to provide people help and support while enjoying the ocean. I can’t wait to maybe go to the beach and surf this Summer in Spain πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡ΈπŸŒŠπŸ„β€β™€οΈ. I miss the sea so much. Maybe those dreams are wild but it would be so amazing. I still feel kinda stuck related to thinking about a career. I used to apply to some jobs in Spain but got no answer. I even did an interview for a internship and never heard back. It’s more difficult right now. I also got information to take an exam for a job in the public sector which is mandatory in Spain. I just don’t know and still feel lost after so many years. It’s normal I say to myself. Anxiety also gets in the way. Some people see it as excuse but they have no idea how hard it’s to live with it and being expected to do everyday stuff.

I also entered some writing competitions. I didn’t won the one from Barcelona. At least I tried. Besides, Barcelona is now more at risk so it’s better not to go. I will hear about the poetry contest about mental health next month. I will also maybe join another contest these days which is about my city Haarlem, in The Netherlands. They are looking for a city poet who will write for them and also earn €3000 euro each year and will even have the opportunity to publish a book about poems of Haarlem. I will join and we will see what happens next. I have already a no but you never know what may be the result.

Thanks to the pandemic which is also strange to I’m also grounding myself more and being present with all the things I have. I have been doing yoga and medititation many times in a week πŸ§˜β€β™€οΈβœ¨. It’s so good. I feel more lost and less calm when I don’t do it. It’s been a such a healing tool and I will stick to it forever. I can’t wait to be able to have a job, save money and go to a yoga retreat in Aruba and finally meet Yoga Girl and the whole community. I love it so much. I don’t have a yoga mat here in Spain but I will use maybe a camping mat until I have one here. I crave connection so much. It’s the best. It reminds me I’m never alone and that I always have people behind me. I did a sharing circle on Zoom with Yoga Girl and more than 60 people joined a few days ago which I will share more about in my July favourites. It was so special and omg I also felt anxious and strange. I had never done it before. In real life it would be even more intense. We did a meditation and then we got a sharing partner. We had to talk about our struggles and the other person listened and didn’t give advice. It’s much more powerful then just always interrumpting a person. Rachel Brathen (Yoga Girl) said that we have our answers in our heart. These sharings are so much more powerful than anything else πŸ’–. I got emotional when I listened and my partner too. I can’t wait to do it many more times.

I’m happy to be back in Spain but also feel mixed feelings. Nothing is normal anymore. Our trip went very well. I was so happy to go but never felt so anxious before a trip. I really didn’t like some of my family members and also a friend of my mother saying we are irresponsible to go to Spain when we are very careful. I couldn’t sleep the night before. I felt so unwell and anxious. I hate to get influenced but others because our trip went super well. We had to wear masks, do social distance and wash our hands often. Nothing new. I’m more used now to wearing a face mask almost all the time because it’s mandatory here in Spain 😷. In Holland it’s only mandatory in public transport and in a regio of Amsterdam and Rotterdam. I changed my mind and think it’s very important to wear it even though it’s a struggle in the heat. We passed the security in 15 min. We drank some tea and ate a croissant and went to the gate. Boarding was nice, the flight was great without any turbulence. There were almost no people. I watched High School Musical 🎢. I loved it. I had never watched it before.

When we landed in the airport of Madrid, they checked our QR-code which is the health paper you have to fill in before you go to Spain. Then you pass a control and there are camera’s above which check your temperature. There are also nurses there in case you are feeling bad. Everything is clean and well organised. We got our suitcases, took a taxi to the station of Madrid and there suddenly I saw my good friend Pedro and his girlfriend. I love to always meet people as a surprise. We ate delicious Spanish food with them and waited for the train. It takes one hour to go to Valladolid by the high speed train. Then we took a taxi home and in the afternoon we were safe and sound at home. I thought something would happen during the trip or I would feel more anxious. I felt more calm because everything went well. I don’t want to listen to scary stories anymore or watch too much news. We are safe and will do anything to stay safe. We can’t stay forever in our homes too.

These days I have been resting in Spain in our home, eating some delicicous tapas and just walking in nature. We also went already to the swimming pool which we love so much πŸŠβ€β™€οΈπŸŒž. I have to enjoy it now before I get my period which I hate even more in Summer. There’s no beach here so the pool is the best place to be. I’m just so much more happier here. It’s been so hot here, like 37 degrees. Right now, it’s 30 degrees. I love Summers in Spain so much. I really craved it. This week I will finally see my friends which I missed so much. I also saw a new restaurant with vegan food and poke bowls omggg can’t wait to try it. I will celebrate my birthday with my friends there πŸŽ‰πŸ€—. I also saw a new yoga studio. Maybe will go there too. I also will go the hairdresser soon. I can never cut much just the death ends and my bangs because I didn’t went for like a year. I also have to go to the dentist end of month to get rid again of one wisdom teeth 🦷. I’m anxious about that again but maybe a bit less than in January. I told about my experience here. It’s still a struggle so please guys be there for me and send me love. I need it. I just know I have no other choice because I have sometimes strange feelings and pain. I can’t wait to be able to say I faced this 4 times and it went well.

I’m really happy to be here but I also feel sadness in Spain. I see elderly walking and I get emotional thinking of how many people have died here and all over the world. In Spain people are so social and always together. The Netherlands has a individualistic culture. It’s so different. You see less people and people are afraid which is normal. Night life is different too. I don’t miss fiestas so much because what I need in life is more connection and deep talks rather than being drunk all the time. It’s been ages for me and I’m really happy to have gone a different way in drinking alcohol. I don’t need to drink much to have fun. The virus is still here and we have to be careful. They are putting some villages in Valladolid in lockdown again which just means that it isn’t over. I hope you all stay safe this Summer and have fun. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺπŸ™.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it wasn’t too boring. I hope you all liked it. What are you up to during this Summer? How are you feeling? How is your physical and mental health? What do you think of what I wrote? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Today it’s my 27th birthday! πŸ˜πŸŽ‚πŸŽ‰πŸŽβœ¨πŸŽˆ Forever a gemini child β™Š and hippie girl yeahhh! βœŒ

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!! πŸ˜πŸŽ‰ OMG 27 YEARS YOUNG. I feel old lol πŸ˜‚. I have sometimes pain in my body like period cramps, back pain, feeling nauseous, teeth problems, suffering from anxiety but lol I still lived 27 years so I guess it’s okay. I feel like a grand mother πŸ‘΄ sometimes. This blog post will be about my birthday and some things I learned these years. It’s a kinda strange birthday because of this pandemic and lockdown but it’s also special. It’s the first birthday in 4 years that I’m again in The Netherlands celebrating it and not in Spain. My good friend is sleeping here. My brother, his wife, my bestie and her girlfriend are coming today but of course with distance. Better, than nothing. I miss face to face connection so much. I missed seeing them so much 😭.

I sometimes feel a bit depressed, anxious and emotional with my birthday because of society’s expectations. In 3 years I’m 30 years old but I still feel like a ”baby” in the world. I don’t have a job yet, no hushband, no baby, no driving license, no car or don’t own a home. Does that make me unsuccesful? Does that make me not worth it in this society? I just hate that society create those rules. It only makes me feel depressed and create more anxiety. I am where I am in live and it’s all okay. I’m realizing now more and more that who I’m is more important than what I do.

If there is one thing I’m realizing now during this pandemic and just this year in general is that I have to choose for myself. I have spent so much years of my life doing what other people expected of me. I have spent so much time in doing things I don’t like or being with the wrong people. It only drained me and made me feel bad about myself. I have wasted too much time in toxic relationships. It wasn’t worth it. I realized afterwards that all these people and boys had one thing in common: they didn’t deserve my love. I give so much to people and didn’t get that same amount of love back. They weren’t worth my time. If only I knew then what I know now I would not have done certain things or wasted my time on the wrong people. I failed, I learned and I grew from these mistakes. I will try to not repeat them in the future.

I have always hide myself and I still do that at times and I’m done with it. I hide myself because of being bullied 😒. Not many bullies seem to know what the consequences are of bullying. It’s really the worst for your mental health. I still suffer sometimes when someone is laughing or talking a bit loud. Then instantly I think it’s about me but of course it isn’t true. Anxiety is also being caused of being bullied. I’m done with hiding myself for who I’m. I’m happy that I’m being myself know more and more online and also in real life. I have the best friends in real life, online and family in the world πŸ˜πŸ’•.

I want to be completely myself in everything I do and in everything I am in life. I have always been afraid of growing older because of being afraid of death. I also talked about that topic in this blog post. Now, I’m realizing that growing older is also a privilege. Not everyone can grow older because of sickness. I have also been afraid of aging because I always thought I have to be a certain way in life. I can’t like or do the things I like now in a few years. Well, that’s a misconception. I will forever be the hippie girl ✌, mermaid and wild child I’m πŸ˜‚. I will not change for anyone. I WILL BE MY CRAZY SELF. I will keep reading young adult books πŸ“š, blogging, penpalling, surfing πŸ„, travelling the world, singing 🎢, loving the sea 🌊, listening to my favourite artists such as Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Julia Michaels, Sofia Ellar, Duncan Laurence, Aitana, Amaia, Alfred and keep having fun with my friends. I will keep being myself which means being romantic and sensitive. I’m a highly sensitive person and feel every emotion and also suffer more. I can’t take that away from me because otherwise I wouldn’t be me. Growing older doesn’t mean I have to change about what I like or not. I just grow wiser.

This year I faced one of my biggest fears which was going to the dentist to get one of my wisdom teeth pulled out. I’m SO proud of myself for doing this!!! πŸ’ͺ It’s a big achievement for me. I spent years in anxiety and I still know I have to get three out. The first step is there. It went all so great because of the lovely dentist and his team. He knew exactly how to support me and take care of me while I had so much anxiety. You can read it here. Sometimes I feel some problems in my teeth because I still have to get rid of three. I prefer to do it in Spain but we postponed our trip because of the pandemic. Maybe we can go in the Summer if it won’t be dangerous for any of us. I’m just really happy to have faced this fear. I hope with the next visits I will feel less anxiety. I know anxiety will be there always but hopefully a bit less now I know how things go. That’s also the reason I prefer to go in Spain because I know the dentist. I find it hard to trust again in someone new. It’s nice to go to some familiar places.

This year I also have had some amazing good times with my friends and family πŸ˜πŸ’ƒ. My last birthday was amazing because my friend from Granada came to visit me for the first time in Valladolid. Me and my Spanish friends ate all together in a creperie. We had such a great time together. I also enjoyed my time with my Dutch friends in Haarlem in November. I came back from having a hard time in Spain and being so anxious about having to go to the dentist and just life. It was nice to be able to enjoy some time all together eating delicous tapas in La Cubanita. In January I ate there again with my good friend. I also had a nice time with my family eating all together and celebrating birthdays. I really miss that but I know that time will come again.

I also travelled to beautiful places this year which were my second home Valladolid in Spain ✈πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡Έ. I’m so blessed to have that in my life. I love my Spanish friends and family so much. It’s home. I even feel more at home there than in The Netherlands where I have been born. Home is also where your favourite people are. I love both countries so much but Spain always more haha. In July I travelled again for the 4th time to Granada, one of my favourite cities in Spain. I have a good friend living there. My mother and I went to his appartment at the beach and also enjoyed the city itself. We always have an amazing time and I really can’t wait to go back!!!! 😍🌊 It’s a tradition to go each Summer but we don’t know if that will be possible this year. I also travelled to GijΓ³n which is in Asturias for the first time in August with one of my best friends in Spain. We had such a great time. We enjoyed the beach, had great fiestas haha, eat delicious tapas, went shopping and had such a great girl time.

It was years ago since I went with a friend again on a holiday. I really missed it and I can’t wait to do it again. I still remember that night we met some cool guys which invited us for drinks without anything in return. No bad boys for once yeahhh. They were partying with us the whole night. It was so much fun. One of their friends was about to marry. I just can’t wait to travel again to new places in Spain and wherever in the world because travelling makes me so happy and most importantly, it makes me feel ALIVE!!!! You make new friends, have fun, learn about different cultures and learn more about life and this world we live in 🌍.

Right now, I just submitted a story for a contest which is called ”A sea of words” just like my blog like what the hell?! The European Institute of the Mediterranean tagged me on a post in Instagram. Otherwise I would never have found it. My instagram for my blog is also called that way. It’s a contest which is every year and the topics can be about gender equality, climate change, environment or just anything related to make this world a better place. This year it was about young people faced with climate change in the Mediterranean and the 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development. First I wrote an essay but it wasn’t what they ask for so I had to change it into a story which was a bit more difficult. The story I wrote is about me being in the sea with my boat and then suddenly being stuck surrounded by plastic bottles. Then a man comes to help me and talks about how important it is to take action. I have always had that inner voice inside of me who says to take action and give some ideas. I already won an essay contest in 2015 and spoke at the United Nations in New York City πŸ—½ so I thought why not try again even though my inner critic is loud sometimes. The jury is now reviewing the stories. The 10 best winners will go to Barcelona at the end of September for free and will have a creative writing course and dicuss their ideas. It’s really so amazing. I will keep you informed if I win and if it’s even possible to travel.

A few days ago I also submitted my two poems πŸ“„ about vulnerability and strength for the organization MIND in The Netherlands. This organization helps people with mental health illnesses. My poems are about the sea and about being bullied and how that made me stronger and about accepting myself for the way I’m. The winner will be chosen online from the best 5 and the winner gets a poetry award. The 5 winners can speak their poem in an event. All these things make me super anxious and are so outside my comfortzone but I have to do it because I love writing and I know that I’m good at it. I have to stop bullying myself that I’m not good or smart enough. I will keep my fingers crossed βœŒπŸ™.

With all of these things I do and did in the past, I’m just being myself and embracing the person who I’m which loves to write, do yoga, sing, surf, travel the world, read and help other people and hopefully making this world a better place. I love La Pachamama!!! 🌍😍 Thank you all so much for forming part of my life. Thank you all for being there for me in good and bad times. I love you all so much. I wish you all peace, love & happiness! Forever young, wild and free! ✌️ We are all childs of the universe. This life is a gift ✨ Let’s hope this new year of life will be amazing too!

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I’m so happy to have you all in my life. Do you also join writing contests? Do you think 27 years is old? Do you think society creates rules for us? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

April favourites πŸ’•πŸŒž

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I have been sad for a few days and cried a lot because of the death of 5 surfers which I wrote in this blog post. When that sadness past I was griefing about a good friend of my mother who died a few days ago in Spain 😒. He had cancer. We knew it because of people posting sad posts on his Facebook and he didn’t answer anymore on Whatsapp. I felt so sad too and cried much because he was always so nice to us. I’m happy we can still have contact with his sister. He felt like a father for me and understood my anxiety and was always so supportive for me. Just writing this I cry again. I have enough of grief and crying really. I just hate death and I know it’s part of life but it’s the most horrible feeling ever. Life is just unfair because good and honest people always die earlier than the other ones. On a happy note, let’s move on to this blog post. I did some nice stuff in April. Who says being in lockdown has to be boring?! I will share the 30 days of space challenge I did by Yoga Girl πŸ™, the new leggings I bought and beautiful sunny days in the park.

Things I did with my lovely family πŸ‘ͺ:

First ice cream of the year 🍦

I love ice cream so much 😍🍧. I ate my first ice cream of the year with my mother. We went to IJsboertje which is just 5 min. away from our house. We had to take it with us and eat it somewhere else. We ate in the park. My flavours were white chocolate and vanilla and my mother had lemon ice cream. It was all so delicious. I can’t wait to go back!

My Spanish niece got a baby πŸ‘Ά

My Spanish niece got her first baby boy and I’m so happy for her!!! I can’t share a picture unfortunately because of privacy but he looked so cute. They live in Basque country. I can’t wait to be able to go again to Spain to visit them with my parents. My niece is 43 years old and it just reminds me that it’s never too late to have a baby at that age or be married or whatever. Society always creates those rules but we have to decide or own rules in life. We only have one life so let’s live it the way we want and not what society ask us to do.

Sunny days in the park & in the garden 🌞✌

We have had a beautiful April month of many days of sunshine and 20 degrees. I love to enjoy my time in the garden with my mother. I also loved to walk in the park and enjoy nature. It’s so nice to live so close near nature 😍. I also love to go to our lake because I always need to be surrounded by water. Water is still and makes me feel calm and peaceful. It’s all I need and I’m so grateful for that. I would literally die right now if I would be in a small flat. In Spain we don’t have a big house or garden so the lockdown would be worse for us. In the garden I read, chill, daydream, listen to music, write, meditate and just enjoy life.

Birthday of my brother and his wife πŸŽ‰πŸŽˆ

It was the birthday of my brother the 18th of April and of his wife at the end of April. We couldn’t celebrate it with the family of course. It made me sad but I know we will soon be reunited again when it’s possible. We wrote some cards for them and my present for them was a canvas with some pictures together. One is from the wedding of them, another one from the park and with the family together. I’m happy they liked it. My mother brought some flowers for them too. I only went one time to their appartment and saw them on a distance. It was nice to be able to talk to them but also strange. Not being able to hug your loved ones is just the most heartbreaking thing ever. I need hugs in life. The world need a group hug which will hopefully come soon again πŸ’–πŸ™.

Netflix subscription 🎬

I joined Netflix just for a few months which is really nice. I love to be able to watch series and movies on Netflix. The only thing I don’t like is that some movies or series are not on Netflix. I also would like to watch Disney movies but I don’t want to also have a subcription on Disney+ because of the money. I really love the movies and series which are only made for Netflix.

Easter time 🐣🐀πŸ₯

We always celebrate it with the whole family but of course this year is different. I’m happy I could celebrate it with my parents. We had a delicious fondue with potatoes. We also ate delicious chocolate eggs and cakes. It was all so delicious. What I loved the most was of course the blackberry juice with fruits and whipped cream πŸ˜πŸ‡. My daddy plucked those years ago and it’s a tradition of his family to make this. I LOVE these kinds of traditions so much. The juice is so delicious and so healthy too. I love my family forevah.

Other amazing things of April πŸ’–:

New leggings from Shein πŸ‘–

I bought some amazing yoga leggings from the website Shein. I really like them and they were not expensive at all. I really needed to have some nice leggings. They are colourful and have flowers πŸ’πŸŒΈ on it so I don’t need more. It fits perfectly. I’m really happy about it! I made some nice pictures in the park with them on.

Pen pal letters πŸ’Œ

I got some beautiful pen pal letters this month. I got some beautiful mail from Chloe who is one of my best friends ever. I love you so much soulsister. She makes beautiful art with a flower theme, a moon theme or anything beautiful for her page on Etsy. You can check it out. She made a beautiful painting of some flowers and sent me a nice letter together with stickers. I also got a cute letter from Rosie from UK. It was full of beautiful notes, glitter stickers with unicorns and hearts, quotes and a beautiful letter. I loved the stickers with the quote ”Friends are special treasures of the heart.” I also loved the card with the quote ”I am at peace with my age.” I agree that every age is beautiful and that society just creates expectations which aren’t real and only create unhappiness and unnecessary stress and anxiety.

I also got a beautiful letter from Agata from Poland. I loved the writing paper so much. I also loved the cute stickers and the card of Warsaw was beautiful. I loved the colours and the flowers on it. I wish to go to Poland once and visit you. I want to meet all of my online friends one day. I know that dream will come true one day and it will be the happiest day of my life. I love you all so much πŸ˜πŸ’• xoxo.

30 days of space challenge by Yoga Girl πŸ™

I did the 30 days of space challenge by Yoga Girl which is my biggest inspiration in life 😍. I never commited to a 30 days of yoga challenge so it was a nice way to enjoy yoga again. I only took some classes in my life and did it at home. Every day we did yoga on the website of Yoga Girl for free. This challenge was made to create space in our hearts, our bodies and our minds as we find ourselves in a time of physical space and distancing. Also, every day there was a theme. We meditated together, felt our feelings and pulled a card every day. One day we had to build our own sacred altar, go outside and enjoy nature or shake our bodies to remove negative energy. It was soooo good. I’m so happy I met amazing new pen pal friends. I love to be spiritual, do yoga, meditate, and there are not much many friends of mine who align with that aswell. It’s nice to have this beautiful Yoga Girl community. I love them so much.

Since that challenge is over I’m still doing yoga every damn day and it helps me so much with being more calm and easing anxiety πŸ™. Anxiety will not go away but yoga and meditation gives you the tool to sit with it and be able to let it go at some point. We have to sit with our feelings to be able to let them go. I also thought yoga was only about handstands and being flexible but it isn’t. I’m not that flexible but I have fun, feel my feelings, cry a lot and I’m happy when I practice. That’s yoga. I can’t wait to go to her retreat in Aruba one day. That’s one of my BIG dreams and is on my bucketlist 🌠✨.

Got a free month subscription for the Yoga Girl website 😍

When I was doing the 30 day challenge some strangers were gifting a free subscription to people. I also got a free month subscription. I felt very grateful and so happy. It’s so nice that people gift things without something in return. I wish more people were like that in real life too. I just don’t have much money for a subscription so it was nice to be able to do yoga for free on the website after the challenge. You also get free live classes with Yoga Girl which are SO amazing and a Yoga E-Book and astrology workbook. If you get the year subscription you get a t-shirt for free. I wish to have that one day.

Lush bath πŸ›

I had a nice bath and used a bath bomb from Lush. It was the intergalatic one. It had such a good smell of peppermint. The blue, pink colours and glitter that came out of it were beyond amazing! This was a beautiful experience where I could just bath in the universe itself 😍✨. It was like bathing in stardust. I 100% recommend this bath bomb for you all. I always listen to some beautiful music too while I’m laying in bath.

Watched To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You, Chicken Run and Isn’t it romantic 🎬

I watched some nice movies in April. I loved the second movie of To All the Boys. I love the actors and just everything. However, I loved the first movie more. In the second movie you knew a bit what would happen. I also watched the movie Chicken Run with my parents. It was a cute movie. The movie was about chickens who were living on a chicken farm and the mean owners wanted to make pie of them so they invented a plan to escape. I also watched Isn’t it romantic with my mother. I love the actress Rebel Wilson which also is known from Pitch Perfect. I love that it wasn’t a cliche love story. It had a great message about loving ourselves and the music was also nice. We don’t need someone to love ourselves because we are already whole.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. What was your favourite thing from my list? What did you do in April? Did you also enjoy some sunshine in the garden or park? Do you do love to do yoga, meditation or be spiritual? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Coronavirus: Is this a wake up call for the world?! πŸŒ

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I know all we can talk about now in the world is the coronavirus (Covid-19). I wanted to post a blog post about some happy stuff such as some book reviews but I really need to talk about this. I have to describe my feelings and thoughts on it as I always do with important topics such as mental health, feminism, injustice in the world and other topics. I need to let my thoughts go and write it down here or I will feel that I explode πŸ˜₯. My mind is so full these days. I’m not doing okay.

So, I can’t sleep well anymore. I feel so bad and anxious. I’m crying every day 😒. I don’t know how to cope. I have cramps in my stomach. It’s in times I didn’t felt so bad. This virus only increased my anxiety. How can I feel less anxious when the situation is getting worse every day and people are dying? I feel hopeless. There’s an outbreak of a pandemic in the world right now. The coronavirus feels like the flu but it’s worse because you have fever, cough and it effects your lungs. It all began in China in December. They eat a lot of strange food there such as living animals such as cats, dogs and whatever. My daddy said that the virus comes from bats. I’m of course not a doctor and don’t know much about viruses but all we know is that it’s spreading to every country. If I’m affected I could infect three other people.

I have sometimes health anxiety so I’m also a bit worried to get this virus to be honest. I think it’s normal that we are worried because our health is the most important thing in life. What I’m also worried about is the people who are vulnerable and the elderly people. My father for example has diabetics so it could be dangerous for him. What I don’t like about what’s happening now is that many people especially young people think oh only the old people die or the sick ones. That’s being so EGOISTIC. Writing this I feel tears in my eyes coming because I CARE. I care sometimes way too much about people, this earth and everyone because of being a highly sensitive person and also suffering from anxiety. I care about someone dying being 75 years old of coronavirus even though I don’t know that person. It could be your father, daughter, grandmother. Every one deserves a good life and deserves to live and be treaten well πŸ’–πŸ™.

Everything is cancelled right now 🚫. In The Netherlands there are no concerts, theater, cinema, sport events happening anymore and all schools are closed. I’m worried about that Eurovision in May will be cancelled too. I hope to go another day. I was so happy when this year began because of this event and good stuff. I’m worried about my friends in Italy being locked down. Spain has now declared an emergency state. I’m worried about my family and friends there. They only can leave the house for meds, work or to go to the supermarket. My mother and I are supposed to go in two weeks but that isn’t possible anymore. Tonight they closed the borders. It makes me sad to not be able to go as we never experienced this. None of us does. It feels lik a movie but it’s happening and it’s real. Scary stuff 😒. I just hope we can enjoy Summer time 🌞 in Spain because otherwise I will get so depressed and anxious. I don’t like Summer in The Netherlands because the sun doesn’t shine that much. I’m just always so happy in Spain. Holy week in Spain is cancelled too. I would have to go to the dentist in Spain too but right now it isn’t an emegerncy as I have no pain.

I’m a highly sensitive person, an empath and suffer from anxiety. This is maybe not the best combination in the midst of the Coronavirus. I care always so much about others and everything that it all affects me emotionally. I suffer more but I also love more. I’m here for all the ones in need. You can always talk to me. We are not alone πŸ’ͺ We are all in this together.

I just got inspired to write this post too because of Melissa Wells. Maybe everything what’s happening now is a wake up call for the damn world. Care about the elderly. Help people in need. Think of the ones working in the hospital sector and supermarkts. I’m seeing also very good deeds this week such as people donating blood in Spain for the people who need it. Doctors from China are helping Italy and Spain with medical products. The supermarkets are almost empty here and also in the rest of the world. I don’t find that at all funny. Maybe this pandemic virus is a wake up call for the world like that we have to be more compassionate, less egostic and think of others. Don’t buy so much stuff in the supermarkets because then someone else can’t buy toilet paper or hand gel or food. Think more of others than of yourself.

All people think of nowadays is me, myself and I. It’s the wrong way. We are all human and we all long for the same things such as food security, love, safety and being healthy. I also feel that this lack of control and uncertainty is making me more anxious. All governments and society thinks about is money and power. I’m a hippie by heart and just never feel like I approve with the society we are living in. Maybe more people feel that way.

Citizens have to be responsible for their actions too. In Italy and Spain they aren’t allowed to go outside or have fun with friends in some bar. Take these measures seriously. Many young people can’t die from it, but if you do get infected you can make others infected like people who are in a vulnerable state or older people. Your actions could be the death of someone else. Buy responsibly πŸ›’. My mother wanted to buy paracetamol today and saw everyone being greedy and getting them. That isn’t the way to handle things in life. I saw a picture where Italy has almost no pollution in the air and is clear. You see, we can fight climate change all together πŸ’ͺπŸ€—. I saw people donating loads of blood in Spain. Good things happen every day. We can all make a change in this world.

I will stay mostly at home now. It’s time to slow down. It’s time to help others and not think of me, myself and I. Let’s be compassionate, solidair and less egoistic. Follow the health instructions. Don’t buy everything you see in the supermarkets because then there will be nothing left for others. We have to be all strong together and help each other. We are all in this together. I’m also anxious right now but I hope this situation will be solved as long as we take all measures seriously. Wash your hands well and focus less on social media. I also have to watch less news as that only increase my anxiety and doesn’t solve anything. We will see what will happening the coming days. Stay safe at home 🏑, read books πŸ“š, blog, watch series and movies 🎬, or listen to podcasts. There are so many nice things to do at home. We don’t always have to be outside to have fun.

It’s time that countries work together with each other to combate this pandemic of Coronavirus. We are all together in this. 2020 is the year that will change our view of the world because of this health crisis. We will make it out stronger and hopefully we will learn to be more responsible for this earth and for all its people πŸŒπŸ’•.

At the end, everything will be allright. Take care, stay safe and love because that will never be cancelled πŸ’–πŸ’‹πŸ€—βœ¨I’m here for you all. I love you all so much!

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. I hope it didn’t sound depressing. I just wanted to share the good and the bad like always. How do you feel about the Coronavirus? Are you anxious? How’s it in your country? What do you do to calm yourself down? I really need some support right now. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I just want to be truly happy

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I need to write some thoughts I have lately on my mind down here. I always am 100% honest and vulnerable because this is my safe space. I’m so thankful for all your support and for all of you being there for me πŸ™πŸ’–. It means the most to me. Right now, I just don’t feel okay. It’s not like that I feel really bad but I’m also not feeling really good. It’s a strange feeling. I also have headaches and can’t wait to soak up some sunshine 🌞 when I will go again to Spain in two months. This grey and rainy weather affects my mood and mental health so much 😒. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. I hope I’m not the only one feeling this way.

I feel lonely lately because I don’t leave the house much and if I leave the house I just go to the park or go shopping with my mother. I don’t see my friends a lot 😒. I feel isolated and bored. They are all busy. I just see some friends here or in Spain a few times in a month. Sometimes I feel I do all the effort in friendship/relationships. I’m so done with that because I can’t do that anymore. I’m a highly sensitive person and all my life I have felt that I love and do more for others than people do for me. I’m the helper. I’m the fixer. It’s nice to help others but I also would love that people do the same for me. Of course, I’m so thankful for my family especially my mother and my good friends in real life and online who are always there for me πŸ’–πŸ™Œ.

I just wish to meet more people in real life too. I want to share my struggles and open up. I love to do it here online but sharing your stuff with a person face to face is the most vulnerable thing ever. It’s so good to do that and I really miss that right now in my life πŸ˜”. I love my pen pals, blogging friends and friends I know from the Yoga Girl community but those are all people living far away from me. I really would love to be able to teletransport myself so that we could be together having fun and talking about real life topics. I know one day that dream will become true even though it may cost some time πŸ™βœ¨.

I also just feel like I’m just floating or trying to survive in life. I feel lost for so many years already and I just can’t see how to go out of that space. Lately I feel bored, uninspired and so tired about everything. I’m happy I faced my fear of going to the dentist last month in Spain but I still need to get three wisdom teeth out 🦷. I still need to face that fear three times more. I still need to get a job which just doesn’t seem to go well with me. I thought of maybe teaching kids English or Spanish. Life just feels like a never ending struggle. As I’m reading right now Looking for Alaska I feel that kind of struggle. It’s hard to feel it and to be in this space.

I also know that what I want from life is just to be truly happy. I want to be happy with myself. I have spend so many years being my own enemy that I’m done with it. It’s just to hard to heal in that way because whenever I feel anxious I doubt myself and say the worst things about myself. My inner-critic becomes loud and says that I’m not worth it, that I’m lazy for not having a job, that I’m not loved by anyone and that eventually everyone will leave me. This of course only makes me feel worse. Being bullied in high school caused me to have anxiety and these kinds of thoughts too. I have to listen more to my inner-bestfriend who tells me that I’m loved, worth it and that my worth has nothing to do whether I’m productive or not.

I also feel like I wouldn’t be happy with a 9 to 5 life or a routine. I feel like I would feel bored in one second. I want more out of life. I love adventure, travelling and meeting people which is sometimes a contrast of me having anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t form part of my personality even though sometimes I think it does because that voice gets so loud. The thing is that I have so many dreams but just never know how to make them happen because of insecurities, anxiety and just have no clue to make it all work. I would love to write a book πŸ“πŸ“–, travel the world 🌍, be able to surf the waves πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠ and sometimes I even thought of being a singer. However, then I thought oh no that’s nothing for me because I don’t like attention. I don’t know if I would be happy if I would be famous.

Sometimes I love to isolate myself, hide myself, do yoga or meditation and just read books, write for my blog and write letters to my friends. There are also days that I like to go out, go to concerts with my friends and just have fun. I can be all of those things and don’t have to choose between one of another. I just wish I could really speak up more in real life and let myself seen. I have still a hard time doing that. I know it will make me happier in the long term.

Maybe we all know nothing of life and we are just trying to look like we have our life together when we don’t. Social media doesn’t give you a real view of what real life is. Sometimes I think of deleting it all as I tend to compare myself to others so much which ends up in feeling depressed and anxious of not having achieved certain milestones in life such as having a job, being married, having children and owning a car and a home. Then I always think to myself, is that what life is about? When you have all of that you are suppose to be “happy”. I really don’t know if all of that would make me happy to be honest.

Life for me is all about experiences, travels and connecting with wonderful people. I think what we miss right now in this society is trully being connected with someone and sharing our feelings. What I need right now is to be able to share my feelings and thoughts with someone. We all need to be able to laugh, cry, get a hug and have a real life connection. With the rise of social media this lack of connection is becoming a more serious issue. I love blogging and I love writing letters because the connection with someone is much stronger than writing a stupid whatsapp message. The next best thing is of course seeing that person. Maybe, that’s why I feel lonely too this month. I just wish that I can find my own happiness in life and achieve my dreams 🌠. We all deserve to be happy. Anxiety will never win. I have to believe in myself more and know that I will achieve my dreams. Thank you all for always being there for me because really that means the most to me. One day I will give you the biggest hug ever. I love you all so much πŸ˜πŸ€—πŸ’ž.

Thank you all for reading my blog post. I hope you liked it and it inspired you in some way. Do you also feel lost in life sometimes? How do you deal with it? Do you miss connection in your life too? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina