Today it’s my 27th birthday! ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŽ‚๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽโœจ๐ŸŽˆ Forever a gemini child โ™Š and hippie girl yeahhh! โœŒ

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!! ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŽ‰ OMG 27 YEARS YOUNG. I feel old lol ๐Ÿ˜‚. I have sometimes pain in my body like period cramps, back pain, feeling nauseous, teeth problems, suffering from anxiety but lol I still lived 27 years so I guess it’s okay. I feel like a grand mother ๐Ÿ‘ด sometimes. This blog post will be about my birthday and some things I learned these years. It’s a kinda strange birthday because of this pandemic and lockdown but it’s also special. It’s the first birthday in 4 years that I’m again in The Netherlands celebrating it and not in Spain. My good friend is sleeping here. My brother, his wife, my bestie and her girlfriend are coming today but of course with distance. Better, than nothing. I miss face to face connection so much. I missed seeing them so much ๐Ÿ˜ญ.

I sometimes feel a bit depressed, anxious and emotional with my birthday because of society’s expectations. In 3 years I’m 30 years old but I still feel like a ”baby” in the world. I don’t have a job yet, no hushband, no baby, no driving license, no car or don’t own a home. Does that make me unsuccesful? Does that make me not worth it in this society? I just hate that society create those rules. It only makes me feel depressed and create more anxiety. I am where I am in live and it’s all okay. I’m realizing now more and more that who I’m is more important than what I do.

If there is one thing I’m realizing now during this pandemic and just this year in general is that I have to choose for myself. I have spent so much years of my life doing what other people expected of me. I have spent so much time in doing things I don’t like or being with the wrong people. It only drained me and made me feel bad about myself. I have wasted too much time in toxic relationships. It wasn’t worth it. I realized afterwards that all these people and boys had one thing in common: they didn’t deserve my love. I give so much to people and didn’t get that same amount of love back. They weren’t worth my time. If only I knew then what I know now I would not have done certain things or wasted my time on the wrong people. I failed, I learned and I grew from these mistakes. I will try to not repeat them in the future.

I have always hide myself and I still do that at times and I’m done with it. I hide myself because of being bullied ๐Ÿ˜ข. Not many bullies seem to know what the consequences are of bullying. It’s really the worst for your mental health. I still suffer sometimes when someone is laughing or talking a bit loud. Then instantly I think it’s about me but of course it isn’t true. Anxiety is also being caused of being bullied. I’m done with hiding myself for who I’m. I’m happy that I’m being myself know more and more online and also in real life. I have the best friends in real life, online and family in the world ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’•.

I want to be completely myself in everything I do and in everything I am in life. I have always been afraid of growing older because of being afraid of death. I also talked about that topic in this blog post. Now, I’m realizing that growing older is also a privilege. Not everyone can grow older because of sickness. I have also been afraid of aging because I always thought I have to be a certain way in life. I can’t like or do the things I like now in a few years. Well, that’s a misconception. I will forever be the hippie girl โœŒ, mermaid and wild child I’m ๐Ÿ˜‚. I will not change for anyone. I WILL BE MY CRAZY SELF. I will keep reading young adult books ๐Ÿ“š, blogging, penpalling, surfing ๐Ÿ„, travelling the world, singing ๐ŸŽถ, loving the sea ๐ŸŒŠ, listening to my favourite artists such as Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Julia Michaels, Sofia Ellar, Duncan Laurence, Aitana, Amaia, Alfred and keep having fun with my friends. I will keep being myself which means being romantic and sensitive. I’m a highly sensitive person and feel every emotion and also suffer more. I can’t take that away from me because otherwise I wouldn’t be me. Growing older doesn’t mean I have to change about what I like or not. I just grow wiser.

This year I faced one of my biggest fears which was going to the dentist to get one of my wisdom teeth pulled out. I’m SO proud of myself for doing this!!! ๐Ÿ’ช It’s a big achievement for me. I spent years in anxiety and I still know I have to get three out. The first step is there. It went all so great because of the lovely dentist and his team. He knew exactly how to support me and take care of me while I had so much anxiety. You can read it here. Sometimes I feel some problems in my teeth because I still have to get rid of three. I prefer to do it in Spain but we postponed our trip because of the pandemic. Maybe we can go in the Summer if it won’t be dangerous for any of us. I’m just really happy to have faced this fear. I hope with the next visits I will feel less anxiety. I know anxiety will be there always but hopefully a bit less now I know how things go. That’s also the reason I prefer to go in Spain because I know the dentist. I find it hard to trust again in someone new. It’s nice to go to some familiar places.

This year I also have had some amazing good times with my friends and family ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’ƒ. My last birthday was amazing because my friend from Granada came to visit me for the first time in Valladolid. Me and my Spanish friends ate all together in a creperie. We had such a great time together. I also enjoyed my time with my Dutch friends in Haarlem in November. I came back from having a hard time in Spain and being so anxious about having to go to the dentist and just life. It was nice to be able to enjoy some time all together eating delicous tapas in La Cubanita. In January I ate there again with my good friend. I also had a nice time with my family eating all together and celebrating birthdays. I really miss that but I know that time will come again.

I also travelled to beautiful places this year which were my second home Valladolid in Spain โœˆ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ธ. I’m so blessed to have that in my life. I love my Spanish friends and family so much. It’s home. I even feel more at home there than in The Netherlands where I have been born. Home is also where your favourite people are. I love both countries so much but Spain always more haha. In July I travelled again for the 4th time to Granada, one of my favourite cities in Spain. I have a good friend living there. My mother and I went to his appartment at the beach and also enjoyed the city itself. We always have an amazing time and I really can’t wait to go back!!!! ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŒŠ It’s a tradition to go each Summer but we don’t know if that will be possible this year. I also travelled to Gijรณn which is in Asturias for the first time in August with one of my best friends in Spain. We had such a great time. We enjoyed the beach, had great fiestas haha, eat delicious tapas, went shopping and had such a great girl time.

It was years ago since I went with a friend again on a holiday. I really missed it and I can’t wait to do it again. I still remember that night we met some cool guys which invited us for drinks without anything in return. No bad boys for once yeahhh. They were partying with us the whole night. It was so much fun. One of their friends was about to marry. I just can’t wait to travel again to new places in Spain and wherever in the world because travelling makes me so happy and most importantly, it makes me feel ALIVE!!!! You make new friends, have fun, learn about different cultures and learn more about life and this world we live in ๐ŸŒ.

Right now, I just submitted a story for a contest which is called ”A sea of words” just like my blog like what the hell?! The European Institute of the Mediterranean tagged me on a post in Instagram. Otherwise I would never have found it. My instagram for my blog is also called that way. It’s a contest which is every year and the topics can be about gender equality, climate change, environment or just anything related to make this world a better place. This year it was about young people faced with climate change in the Mediterranean and the 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development. First I wrote an essay but it wasn’t what they ask for so I had to change it into a story which was a bit more difficult. The story I wrote is about me being in the sea with my boat and then suddenly being stuck surrounded by plastic bottles. Then a man comes to help me and talks about how important it is to take action. I have always had that inner voice inside of me who says to take action and give some ideas. I already won an essay contest in 2015 and spoke at the United Nations in New York City ๐Ÿ—ฝ so I thought why not try again even though my inner critic is loud sometimes. The jury is now reviewing the stories. The 10 best winners will go to Barcelona at the end of September for free and will have a creative writing course and dicuss their ideas. It’s really so amazing. I will keep you informed if I win and if it’s even possible to travel.

A few days ago I also submitted my two poems ๐Ÿ“„ about vulnerability and strength for the organization MIND in The Netherlands. This organization helps people with mental health illnesses. My poems are about the sea and about being bullied and how that made me stronger and about accepting myself for the way I’m. The winner will be chosen online from the best 5 and the winner gets a poetry award. The 5 winners can speak their poem in an event. All these things make me super anxious and are so outside my comfortzone but I have to do it because I love writing and I know that I’m good at it. I have to stop bullying myself that I’m not good or smart enough. I will keep my fingers crossed โœŒ๐Ÿ™.

With all of these things I do and did in the past, I’m just being myself and embracing the person who I’m which loves to write, do yoga, sing, surf, travel the world, read and help other people and hopefully making this world a better place. I love La Pachamama!!! ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ˜ Thank you all so much for forming part of my life. Thank you all for being there for me in good and bad times. I love you all so much. I wish you all peace, love & happiness! Forever young, wild and free! โœŒ๏ธ We are all childs of the universe. This life is a gift โœจ Let’s hope this new year of life will be amazing too!

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I’m so happy to have you all in my life. Do you also join writing contests? Do you think 27 years is old? Do you think society creates rules for us? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Stop making a taboo about having periods

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I just had to write this blog post because I feel bad these days because of my upcoming period. I find it important to raise awareness about having our periods. I’m going to talk about period pain and periods in general. I already talked about it one day. I don’t understand why we don’t talk more about it and why it’s still considered a taboo when it’s something natural. I think we have to talk more about it so that women don’t feel alone while suffering each month from heavy pain, blood, mood swings and everything which comes with having our periods. Men often say that women get crazy when their period is coming well we aren’t crazy, our hormones are making us feel that way. It’s not something we choose for. I find it always so disgusting when people say that we like to be completely mad. If they would suffer from it, they wouldn’t say that because then they would know how it feels. You never know what’s someone is going through until you feel those feelings and those experiences by yourself.

So, Saturday night I experienced so much pain that I thought OMG I will die. I was sitting on the floor covering my tummy. My body was IN SO MUCH PAIN. I cried so much. I know almost certain that it has to do with my period coming and pms. It isn’t normal though. I have always had painful and heavy periods. I know I’m not the only woman suffering through this ๐Ÿ˜ญ. It’s so hard. The strange thing is that I never felt it that way and I still don’t have my period. I think it’s pms because for the rest I’m not sick or anything. I also feel angry and emotional. I also feel way more anxious before my period. I also have read that it’s because of our hormones. They make us feel like crazy. I always have mood swings before period and I’m so hungry. I just ate a pizza ๐Ÿ• last night haha. I craved it so badly ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‹.

There’s still a taboo talking about it. I know some men don’t like to hear it and find it gross. I remember one time I was on my period during high school and I always bleed so much. I knew my jeans were a bit red ๐Ÿ˜ญ. I wanted to go to the toilet but they didn’t let me. I didn’t say I had my period. I found it so uncomfortable. I also have heard of men who are super supportive and that makes me so happy. The friends I have in my life who are men are very supportive and care about me. That’s the direction we have to go. Well, it’s the most natural thing ever of being a women which has to be respected. Maybe if women had more information and resources, pain and other issues surrounding our moon would be more manageable. We can’t fix a problem when we can’t talk about it. Talking about it helps to raise awareness and will make us come to a solution all together. I also agree that women have to get more benefits surrounding their periods like free days at work and that pads, tampons and every other product for our periods doesn’t cost anything anymore. We don’t ask for it. Condoms are often given for free but we have to buy these products which also cost so much money. It is definitely not fair at all.

Years ago, women had their period always in sync with the full moon ๐ŸŒœ. That’s why they also call it our moon. It goes in sync with how we feel too. Before our period we may feel more emotional, heavy, sad, angry or just feel that something is off. That means the end of something. When our period begins we begin a new life, a new cycle. Maybe my period is coming on the full moon this Thursday. When I read this somewhere on the internet I felt in awe ๐ŸŒ. The full moon has definitely an effect on us. I sleep worse the night before and feel more emotional. It’s so beautiful to think we can bring a life into this world. We women are magical creatures of the universe โœจ๐Ÿ’ž and have to embrace this with our whole heart. The thought of one day getting a baby is beautiful but at the same time it overwhelms me. I don’t know how to take sometimes good care of myself. How would I be able to take care of a child? Also, I’m afraid of getting pregnant and giving birth. I already feel so bad with having my period every month. How would I survive giving birth? I don’t think I’m the only thinking this. I also find it good that women don’t have to have children because it’s their choice like to do abortion too. Every women has the right to decide what to do with their bodies.

I think I will have to check this problem soon because what I felt last weekend was the worst ๐Ÿ˜ข. I’m always anxious about going to the doctor so I don’t go only when I really have to. It gets worse every month. I hope I don’t have anything serious or like endometriose. I know many of my friends also suffer this way and some women don’t feel much. They are definitely the lucky ones. I wish my life was pain free, oh how a different world would that be. Sometimes I wouldn’t be able to walk because of so much cramps. I’m happy I have Aleve meds which is Naproxen and helps very well. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to cope at all. I just don’t know if I would like to take birth control because I also read some bad stories with side effects. I don’t know if that would be good for my mental health. I just don’t really know what is good or bad for my body.

I just really think we have to talk more about our periods without any shame. It’s 2020 and it’s about time to stop hiding our feelings or thoughts on important topics such as this one in the world. Only then we can come to a solution and feel less alone in our struggles. I’m so happy my mamita is always there to comfort me. Also, my daddy understands me because he sees me suffering every damn month ๐Ÿ˜ข. I wish everyone has a person that is there for them. No one has to deal with hard stuff in life alone. No women has to go through this alone every time of the month. I hope you have friends, family and other loved ones who are there for you when you feel bad during that time of the month. You deserve that love and compassion so much. Your feelings are valid. You are not alone ๐Ÿ’ž๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿ™. You are loved. I love you all.

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. I found it important to talk about this subject. How are your periods? Do you take meds or birth control? What are some tips to ease the pain? I’m always here for you. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

A to Z of things to do while being in self isolation ๐Ÿก๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ™

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I have not been doing well at times because of anxiety. I get overwhelmed by all what’s happening in the world. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night sweating and felt also cold. I was so anxious to get sick ๐Ÿ˜ข. I had cramps. It will get over though. I also have my period soon so everything is harder. At least the sun shines brightly this weekend ๐ŸŒž and we can enjoy it in the garden and in the park. I know many bloggers and other people are writing these kinds of posts which I love to read. They all inspire me so much. I thought about writing my own post about it but different than others. One day I wrote a post which was called A to Z of my favourite things in life. I loved to make it as it was much fun. I hope you will like it too and that it inspires you during this though time ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’–.

A – Make art ๐ŸŽจ

It’s the perfect time to get creative, draw, paint and write ๐Ÿ“.

BBaking ๐Ÿฒ and bath time ๐Ÿ›€

I can’t bake well but I would love to learn to do it more. I used to bake some cookies ๐Ÿช with my daddy when I was little and I loved it. I love to take a bath so much. It’s so relaxing and calming. I just bought some amazing Lush bubble bars and bath bombs which I can’t wait to use.

C – Make a collage ๐Ÿ’–

I used to love making collages in journals and for school too. It’s a great time to do this now. Get creative and put your favourite things of your life in it. You could even later use it for your room as decoration.

DDrawing ๐Ÿ–๏ธ and dancing ๐Ÿ’ƒ

I can’t draw very well but I know so many of you can. Take the time to draw something nice. I love to have some good old dance parties in my room too while listening to my fav artist Taylor Swift ๐Ÿ˜. It’s so good for us to move.

EEating ๐Ÿด

Hahah I mean I can’t live without eating some good food ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‹. Now is the perfect time to eat some healthy food and also enjoy some nice chocolate and whatever you would like. I would love to make some delicious fruit smoothies too. I always make them during Summer months.

FFacetime with your friends and family ๐Ÿ‘ช and feel your feelings ๐Ÿ™

It’s important to stay in contact with our loved ones even though we can’t see them. I don’t use Facetime because I have no iPhone but of course Skype, Zoom, Whatsapp videocall or whatever works for you exists too. At least you can see that person and talk to them. It’s a great way to release emotions to. It’s so important to feel our feelings whether that’s happiness, anger, sadness or whatever comes up. Your feelings are valid. Right now we are all suffering and surviving on our way. Find a way to feel your feelings, release them and then let them go.

G Gaming ๐ŸŽฎ

I don’t play at all games but I love Sims. I wish to play it again. I also loved to play Rollercoaster Tycoon, Sonic and Super Mario Bros. I wish to have that at home right now. It’s a great time to do some nice games.

H Horse riding ๐Ÿด and house cleaning ๐Ÿงฝ

This one sounds maybe strange because many people can’t leave the house. In The Netherlands it’s still alowed to go horse riding, walking or being outside in nature if there are not much people around. It’s really nice for the ones who are able to do it. I have never been such a fan of horses but some of them are really beautiful. One day I also rode one little horse haha omggg I was scared. They are so huge! You could also use this time to clean your house. I already cleaned a bit of my room but I have to do it way more and also organize some stuff.

IImagine yourself at a beautiful place ๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒŠ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒด

I always love to daydream and to imagine myself on a beautiful island enjoying the beach, the sunshine and being under a palmtree. I’m forever a hippie and Summer girl ๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒŠ๐Ÿฆ„๐Ÿค™. Whenever I imagine myself on a beautiful place I feel calmer and I sometimes use it to be able to sleep better. It makes you happier, more hopeful and just lighter. We need imagination to feel better especially during these though times where the whole world feels scary and uncertain.

J Journalling ๐Ÿ“

Journalling is so nice. I do it sometimes but I wish to do it more. I also would love to begin one day with a bullet journal. I’m just not so consistent like with my blog. Some bullet journals which I have seen online are so beautiful. I love to be that creative one day.

K – To be kind ๐Ÿ˜Š and kissing ๐Ÿ’‹

Being kind is so important especially nowadays. Be kind to yourself and to others. You can write someone a letter, be there for them and help them with anything they need. Also, if you are self-isolated with the people you love it can be possible to kiss that person or otherwise blow some kisses in the air haha.

L Learn something new ๐Ÿ’ญ and listen to some good music ๐ŸŽถ

It’s a great time to learn something new. Maybe learn a new language, learn to play an instrument or try to learn a dance. There are many ways to learn something new with the internet. I would love to learn to play guitar and piano one day. Unfortunately I don’t have them at home. I love to listen to some music. It makes me happier and calmer too. Music is life.

MMovie time ๐ŸŽฌ and meditate ๐Ÿ™

There are SO many amazing, beautiful and inspiring movies to watch. You can use Netflix, Kodi, Disney+โœจor any other channel you use to watch movies. I’m so happy with the Google Chromecast which we got from my brother. I’m watching loads of movies with my mother and also Spanish series. I also love to do meditation. I do it every day now with the meditation sessions of Yoga girl.

N – Paint your nails ๐Ÿ’…

I always love to pain my nails even though I’m not a professional at all haha. I love to paint them in the colours I feel. During the Summer months I often use more bright colours such as blue, violet and purple than during the Winter months. During Christmas I love to use glitter nail polish.

OOffer some help to someone who needs it ๐Ÿ™

Be of service and offer some help to those who need it. Maybe you can help some elderly with doing groceries. Maybe you can call someone who is having a hard time right now. Listen to people and be there for them like you want the same for yourself too. We are all in this together. It’s time to all help each other.

PPainting ๐ŸŽจ, listening to some podcasts ๐Ÿ‘‚ and penpalling ๐Ÿ’Œ

I loved to paint when I was younger. I would love to pick that up someday as well. It’s good to let ourselves have fun and letting our inner child out while painting. I also love to listen to podcasts. The one I listen to is the one of Yoga Girl, my biggest inspiration in life ๐Ÿ˜. You can find her podcasts on Spotify. There are so many good podcasts out there. I also love to penpal as you guys know. Penpalling is writing handwritten letters to friends all over the world while sending them nice crafts, stickers, things you make, sticky notes, washi tape or anything nice.

QQuilting ๐Ÿงถ

I have seen people doing quilting on my social media. It wouldn’t be something for me because I think I wouldn’t be patient enough but it would be a nice hobby to do during this time.

RReading ๐Ÿ“š

Of course reading has to be on this list! I love to read. I’m currently reading a poetry book mental health related. I can’t wait to read more unread books I have at home. I also have more in Spain but unfortunately I’m not there right now. You will see a review soon of some amazing books I’ve read.

SSleeping ๐Ÿ˜ด and watching series ๐Ÿ“บ

Sleeping for me is even more important than eating. If I don’t sleep well I feel more anxious and just generally bad. It’s time to rest now and sleep more. We need it. Also, you can never fail with watching some nice series. My favourite Spanish series are Amar es para siempre, Luimelia and Cuรฉntame cรณmo pasรณ and of course Pretty Little Liars and Gossip Girl. Now is the time to watch your favourite serie!

TTidying up the Marie Kondo way ๐Ÿ—ƒ๏ธ and drinking a delicious tea ๐Ÿต

Marie Kondo is the famous Japanese cleaning consultant. She knows how to organize stuff at home. It’s beautiful to watch. I have to watch her series and read her book. I also have to take action on it as I’m so lazy to organizing things. I’m so attached to stuff and find it hard to do clothes away. It would be nice to declutter and only have things in my closet which sparks me joy. Also, drinking tea is always a nice way to calm yourself down and just enjoy the moment. My favourite tea is Yogi Tea.

U – Play ukulele ๐ŸŽธ

I wish to be able to play guitar or ukulele. It would be nice to sing along while playing. Make some time for it if you have one at home.

V – Plant some vegetables ๐ŸŒฑ

This weekend it’s going to be a sunny weekend with almost 20 degrees here ๐ŸŒž๐Ÿ˜Ž. I really want to start to plant some flowers in my garden. Planting some vegetables would be nice too. Many people are gardening now as it’s the time to do it. It’s nice to be back to the basics like planting a seed and watching it grow.

W Walking ๐Ÿšถ and writing ๐Ÿ–‹๏ธ

I’m happy we are still alowed to go for a walk in nature where there are not many people around. I love to walk in the park with my mother. There is so much space to walk around. There are also beautiful fields of sheeps and cows. Fresh air is so good for our health especially our mental health. We need vitamine D too ๐ŸŒž. I also love of course to write. Writing is the best thing ever. I’m writing a lot for my blog and I also am thinking of joining an essay competition. You have to write about climate change and could win a trip to Barcelona in September. It would be SO amazing! ๐Ÿ˜ I already won in 2015 an essay competition and spoke at the United Nations. These contests make me so happy and inspired. I have to give myself more credits of being a great writer.

X – Watching Xoxo Gossip Girl ๐Ÿ“บ๐Ÿ’‹

Watching Gossip Girl is always an amazing plan! I have watched all seasons but I never get bored of watching them again. One of the best series ever. I love the parties, Serena and Blair, their dresses and just everything. I can’t believe that in 2015 I’ve been to New York City ๐Ÿ—ฝ. It was a dream came true when I won that essay contest. It has always been on my bucketlist.

Y – Do yoga ๐Ÿง˜โ€โ™€๏ธ

I’m doing yoga every damn day now and it’s been so beautiful to practice 30 days for this challenge called #30daysofspace by Yoga Girl. The classes are for free. You can find them here. You only have to make a free account. I wish to have money to upgrade my account afterwards. I also practice yoga for free with Adriene on Youtube. Yoga is just so good for our health. My mental health is better when I practice and it’s also good for my back pain.

ZZzzz ๐Ÿ’ค

Take a nap whenever you need it. In Spain this is called siesta time haha ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ˜‚. We need that rest. You don’t have to feel guilty for needing to rest. The world has paused. I never like those people who are rushing through life and who always say they are busy. That’s not enjoying life. Rest is our birth right. That’s mother earth her biggest lesson for us.

Thank you all for reading this fun post. I hope all liked it. What are you doing from my list? What would you like to try? Any more suggestions? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Coronavirus: Is this a wake up call for the world?! ๐ŸŒ

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I know all we can talk about now in the world is the coronavirus (Covid-19). I wanted to post a blog post about some happy stuff such as some book reviews but I really need to talk about this. I have to describe my feelings and thoughts on it as I always do with important topics such as mental health, feminism, injustice in the world and other topics. I need to let my thoughts go and write it down here or I will feel that I explode ๐Ÿ˜ฅ. My mind is so full these days. I’m not doing okay.

So, I can’t sleep well anymore. I feel so bad and anxious. I’m crying every day ๐Ÿ˜ข. I don’t know how to cope. I have cramps in my stomach. It’s in times I didn’t felt so bad. This virus only increased my anxiety. How can I feel less anxious when the situation is getting worse every day and people are dying? I feel hopeless. There’s an outbreak of a pandemic in the world right now. The coronavirus feels like the flu but it’s worse because you have fever, cough and it effects your lungs. It all began in China in December. They eat a lot of strange food there such as living animals such as cats, dogs and whatever. My daddy said that the virus comes from bats. I’m of course not a doctor and don’t know much about viruses but all we know is that it’s spreading to every country. If I’m affected I could infect three other people.

I have sometimes health anxiety so I’m also a bit worried to get this virus to be honest. I think it’s normal that we are worried because our health is the most important thing in life. What I’m also worried about is the people who are vulnerable and the elderly people. My father for example has diabetics so it could be dangerous for him. What I don’t like about what’s happening now is that many people especially young people think oh only the old people die or the sick ones. That’s being so EGOISTIC. Writing this I feel tears in my eyes coming because I CARE. I care sometimes way too much about people, this earth and everyone because of being a highly sensitive person and also suffering from anxiety. I care about someone dying being 75 years old of coronavirus even though I don’t know that person. It could be your father, daughter, grandmother. Every one deserves a good life and deserves to live and be treaten well ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™.

Everything is cancelled right now ๐Ÿšซ. In The Netherlands there are no concerts, theater, cinema, sport events happening anymore and all schools are closed. I’m worried about that Eurovision in May will be cancelled too. I hope to go another day. I was so happy when this year began because of this event and good stuff. I’m worried about my friends in Italy being locked down. Spain has now declared an emergency state. I’m worried about my family and friends there. They only can leave the house for meds, work or to go to the supermarket. My mother and I are supposed to go in two weeks but that isn’t possible anymore. Tonight they closed the borders. It makes me sad to not be able to go as we never experienced this. None of us does. It feels lik a movie but it’s happening and it’s real. Scary stuff ๐Ÿ˜ข. I just hope we can enjoy Summer time ๐ŸŒž in Spain because otherwise I will get so depressed and anxious. I don’t like Summer in The Netherlands because the sun doesn’t shine that much. I’m just always so happy in Spain. Holy week in Spain is cancelled too. I would have to go to the dentist in Spain too but right now it isn’t an emegerncy as I have no pain.

I’m a highly sensitive person, an empath and suffer from anxiety. This is maybe not the best combination in the midst of the Coronavirus. I care always so much about others and everything that it all affects me emotionally. I suffer more but I also love more. I’m here for all the ones in need. You can always talk to me. We are not alone ๐Ÿ’ช We are all in this together.

I just got inspired to write this post too because of Melissa Wells. Maybe everything what’s happening now is a wake up call for the damn world. Care about the elderly. Help people in need. Think of the ones working in the hospital sector and supermarkts. I’m seeing also very good deeds this week such as people donating blood in Spain for the people who need it. Doctors from China are helping Italy and Spain with medical products. The supermarkets are almost empty here and also in the rest of the world. I don’t find that at all funny. Maybe this pandemic virus is a wake up call for the world like that we have to be more compassionate, less egostic and think of others. Don’t buy so much stuff in the supermarkets because then someone else can’t buy toilet paper or hand gel or food. Think more of others than of yourself.

All people think of nowadays is me, myself and I. It’s the wrong way. We are all human and we all long for the same things such as food security, love, safety and being healthy. I also feel that this lack of control and uncertainty is making me more anxious. All governments and society thinks about is money and power. I’m a hippie by heart and just never feel like I approve with the society we are living in. Maybe more people feel that way.

Citizens have to be responsible for their actions too. In Italy and Spain they aren’t allowed to go outside or have fun with friends in some bar. Take these measures seriously. Many young people can’t die from it, but if you do get infected you can make others infected like people who are in a vulnerable state or older people. Your actions could be the death of someone else. Buy responsibly ๐Ÿ›’. My mother wanted to buy paracetamol today and saw everyone being greedy and getting them. That isn’t the way to handle things in life. I saw a picture where Italy has almost no pollution in the air and is clear. You see, we can fight climate change all together ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿค—. I saw people donating loads of blood in Spain. Good things happen every day. We can all make a change in this world.

I will stay mostly at home now. It’s time to slow down. It’s time to help others and not think of me, myself and I. Let’s be compassionate, solidair and less egoistic. Follow the health instructions. Don’t buy everything you see in the supermarkets because then there will be nothing left for others. We have to be all strong together and help each other. We are all in this together. I’m also anxious right now but I hope this situation will be solved as long as we take all measures seriously. Wash your hands well and focus less on social media. I also have to watch less news as that only increase my anxiety and doesn’t solve anything. We will see what will happening the coming days. Stay safe at home ๐Ÿก, read books ๐Ÿ“š, blog, watch series and movies ๐ŸŽฌ, or listen to podcasts. There are so many nice things to do at home. We don’t always have to be outside to have fun.

It’s time that countries work together with each other to combate this pandemic of Coronavirus. We are all together in this. 2020 is the year that will change our view of the world because of this health crisis. We will make it out stronger and hopefully we will learn to be more responsible for this earth and for all its people ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ’•.

At the end, everything will be allright. Take care, stay safe and love because that will never be cancelled ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿค—โœจI’m here for you all. I love you all so much!

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. I hope it didn’t sound depressing. I just wanted to share the good and the bad like always. How do you feel about the Coronavirus? Are you anxious? How’s it in your country? What do you do to calm yourself down? I really need some support right now. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Just be yourself poem ๐ŸŒธ

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I would like to share a poem I made a few days ago about being myself and I also shared it online. It’s been a long time since I shared a poem on here. I love to express myself with writing. I will show a picture of me with this poem I made. I had a nice photoshoot one day in Spain. This picture is already 6 years old haha but sssht ๐Ÿคซ I still look the same ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคญ.

Picture of myself in Spain

I am sensitive.

I am caring.

I am beautiful.

I am creative.

I am inspiring.

I am strong.

I am lovable.

I am enough.

I am loved.

I am empathetic.

I am vulnerable.

I am honest.

I am open-minded.

I am intelligent.

I am sweet.

I am romantic.

I can be all of them.

I don’t have to choose between one of them.

Being human means being all of those things.

That’s the power of being human.

To be who you want to be without having to choose.

Being ourselves and loving ourselves unconditionally.

We are all human and matter.

Be yourself and love yourself.

Just be you.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope this poem inspired you to be just yourself with all your qualities and flaws. You are beautiful just the way you are ๐Ÿ’–. What do you think of my poem? What makes you you? Do you think it’s difficult to be yourself in our society? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I just want to be truly happy

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I need to write some thoughts I have lately on my mind down here. I always am 100% honest and vulnerable because this is my safe space. I’m so thankful for all your support and for all of you being there for me ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’–. It means the most to me. Right now, I just don’t feel okay. It’s not like that I feel really bad but I’m also not feeling really good. It’s a strange feeling. I also have headaches and can’t wait to soak up some sunshine ๐ŸŒž when I will go again to Spain in two months. This grey and rainy weather affects my mood and mental health so much ๐Ÿ˜ข. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. I hope I’m not the only one feeling this way.

I feel lonely lately because I don’t leave the house much and if I leave the house I just go to the park or go shopping with my mother. I don’t see my friends a lot ๐Ÿ˜ข. I feel isolated and bored. They are all busy. I just see some friends here or in Spain a few times in a month. Sometimes I feel I do all the effort in friendship/relationships. I’m so done with that because I can’t do that anymore. I’m a highly sensitive person and all my life I have felt that I love and do more for others than people do for me. I’m the helper. I’m the fixer. It’s nice to help others but I also would love that people do the same for me. Of course, I’m so thankful for my family especially my mother and my good friends in real life and online who are always there for me ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™Œ.

I just wish to meet more people in real life too. I want to share my struggles and open up. I love to do it here online but sharing your stuff with a person face to face is the most vulnerable thing ever. It’s so good to do that and I really miss that right now in my life ๐Ÿ˜”. I love my pen pals, blogging friends and friends I know from the Yoga Girl community but those are all people living far away from me. I really would love to be able to teletransport myself so that we could be together having fun and talking about real life topics. I know one day that dream will become true even though it may cost some time ๐Ÿ™โœจ.

I also just feel like I’m just floating or trying to survive in life. I feel lost for so many years already and I just can’t see how to go out of that space. Lately I feel bored, uninspired and so tired about everything. I’m happy I faced my fear of going to the dentist last month in Spain but I still need to get three wisdom teeth out ๐Ÿฆท. I still need to face that fear three times more. I still need to get a job which just doesn’t seem to go well with me. I thought of maybe teaching kids English or Spanish. Life just feels like a never ending struggle. As I’m reading right now Looking for Alaska I feel that kind of struggle. It’s hard to feel it and to be in this space.

I also know that what I want from life is just to be truly happy. I want to be happy with myself. I have spend so many years being my own enemy that I’m done with it. It’s just to hard to heal in that way because whenever I feel anxious I doubt myself and say the worst things about myself. My inner-critic becomes loud and says that I’m not worth it, that I’m lazy for not having a job, that I’m not loved by anyone and that eventually everyone will leave me. This of course only makes me feel worse. Being bullied in high school caused me to have anxiety and these kinds of thoughts too. I have to listen more to my inner-bestfriend who tells me that I’m loved, worth it and that my worth has nothing to do whether I’m productive or not.

I also feel like I wouldn’t be happy with a 9 to 5 life or a routine. I feel like I would feel bored in one second. I want more out of life. I love adventure, travelling and meeting people which is sometimes a contrast of me having anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t form part of my personality even though sometimes I think it does because that voice gets so loud. The thing is that I have so many dreams but just never know how to make them happen because of insecurities, anxiety and just have no clue to make it all work. I would love to write a book ๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ“–, travel the world ๐ŸŒ, be able to surf the waves ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ๐ŸŒŠ and sometimes I even thought of being a singer. However, then I thought oh no that’s nothing for me because I don’t like attention. I don’t know if I would be happy if I would be famous.

Sometimes I love to isolate myself, hide myself, do yoga or meditation and just read books, write for my blog and write letters to my friends. There are also days that I like to go out, go to concerts with my friends and just have fun. I can be all of those things and don’t have to choose between one of another. I just wish I could really speak up more in real life and let myself seen. I have still a hard time doing that. I know it will make me happier in the long term.

Maybe we all know nothing of life and we are just trying to look like we have our life together when we don’t. Social media doesn’t give you a real view of what real life is. Sometimes I think of deleting it all as I tend to compare myself to others so much which ends up in feeling depressed and anxious of not having achieved certain milestones in life such as having a job, being married, having children and owning a car and a home. Then I always think to myself, is that what life is about? When you have all of that you are suppose to be “happy”. I really don’t know if all of that would make me happy to be honest.

Life for me is all about experiences, travels and connecting with wonderful people. I think what we miss right now in this society is trully being connected with someone and sharing our feelings. What I need right now is to be able to share my feelings and thoughts with someone. We all need to be able to laugh, cry, get a hug and have a real life connection. With the rise of social media this lack of connection is becoming a more serious issue. I love blogging and I love writing letters because the connection with someone is much stronger than writing a stupid whatsapp message. The next best thing is of course seeing that person. Maybe, that’s why I feel lonely too this month. I just wish that I can find my own happiness in life and achieve my dreams ๐ŸŒ . We all deserve to be happy. Anxiety will never win. I have to believe in myself more and know that I will achieve my dreams. Thank you all for always being there for me because really that means the most to me. One day I will give you the biggest hug ever. I love you all so much ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ’ž.

Thank you all for reading my blog post. I hope you liked it and it inspired you in some way. Do you also feel lost in life sometimes? How do you deal with it? Do you miss connection in your life too? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

Reflection on 2019 & happy new year to you all! โœจ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’ซ๐Ÿฅณ๐Ÿค—

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I’m doing a bit better than when I wrote my last blog. However, I’m having a cold now and my period is coming soon so always something bad. In this blog post I will make a short reflection on 2019. I will write about some low and highs of this year which I also wrote in a journal. Every year has good and bad things. I also wish you all a beautiful new year! ๐Ÿฅณ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’– May all your wildest and biggest dreams come true!

A new year has arrived: 2020. A new decade too. I’m happy to leave this decade because it came with good things but also with bad things. In this decade I met my first love and also got my heart broken at the end of 2012. I’m already 7 years single haha let’s keep up that way ๐Ÿ˜‚. I also experienced beautiful things this decade like graduating college ๐ŸŽ“ and speaking at the United Nations in NYC ๐Ÿ—ฝ because I won an essay competition in Spanish. This happened in the Summer of 2015. I think this was definitely one of the biggest milestones this decade. I guess we can all relate to good and bad moments during this decade. I just really wish 2020 will be a better year for all of us ๐Ÿ™. I hope we will experience beautiful things. I also hope we will survive and grow from the bad things.

My speech about ending hunger in the world at The United Nations ๐Ÿ—ฝ the 24th of July 2015

This year I learned some important life lessons which I will take with me in 2020. I learned that sometimes we can feel more connected to people we have never met than to the ones who are next to us. I love you all so much. You all mean the world to me. I learned that a real friend will be there for you in good and bad times. I learned that life has lows and highs and that most people only share the highs on social media. I learned that it’s good to spend less time online because I only compare myself to others online which makes my mental health worse. It isn’t real life. I also am learning to sit with every emotion whether that’s a negative one such as fear or anger. We have to feel it all, go through it until we can let go. It’s hard because when I feel anxious I just want that feeling to go away as soon as possible as it makes me feel so unwell. I just hope to know how to live with anxiety this next year.

This new year my intention is to listen more to my inner voice and let my heart guide me through life instead of my mind. 2020 will be the year of self love, growth and achieving my dreams. I will use the power that I have of being my authentic and sensitive self. I hope I will be able to get a job I love and which is good for my mental health. I also hope to meet more people I have met on the internet because I align so good with you all. My intention is to feel peace and know how to go through the waves of anxiety. I know I have to overcome some fears such as going to the dentist. Anxiety just doesn’t disappear because it’s the new year. I listened to the podcast of Yoga Girl and did the intention setting ceremony. I think setting intentions is much better than resolutions. Mostly we don’t achieve all resolutions we set for ourselves or it gives us too much pressure.

In 2019 I experienced a lot of amazing things like travelling to new places like Leรณn in March with my mother. I also went to Granada again in July with my lovely mother and met my friend there. In August I went to Gijรณn with my Spanish friend. I want to travel more with friends and also go to a surf camp again this new year ๐ŸŒŠ๐ŸŒž๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ. This year I went to the beautiful tulip fields in The Netherlands ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŒทThis year I also read more amazing books. To love and let go by Yoga Girl changed my life and I’m forever thankful for that. It was spiritual and beautiful. I will share a review about this book soon. This new year I will keep reading, writing, singing, travelling and doing all things I love. This year I also went to the concert of Alfred Garcia which I loved. Next year I really do hope to go to more concerts like the one of Taylor Swift. I’m dying to see her live as it’s my dream ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŽถ I also hope to see Yoga Girl one day. I also hope to get tickets for Eurovision live.

Tulip fields in The Netherlands ๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ฑ๐ŸŒท๐Ÿ˜

Travelling to Leรณn with mama ๐Ÿ˜

Travelling with my Spanish friend to Gijรณn ๐Ÿ’–๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒŠ๐Ÿ„โ€โ™€๏ธ

Awesome trip to Granada with my mother in July ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŒž

I also faced a fear this year which was having a first interview for an internship in a hotel ๐Ÿฉ in Spain. At the end they didn’t call me back but I went there and did my best. I hate interviews so it’s a good thing that I did well even though my heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to die ๐Ÿ˜ญ.

An important event this year was The Netherlands ๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ฑ winning Eurovision after 44 years ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿฅ‡๐ŸŽถ This was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. It was a dream coming dream. I’m being a fan of Eurovision all my life so to see this happening was just so amazing and beautiful. I can’t wait to go to the concert of Duncan Laurence soon.

I want to give thanks to my family, friends and all the people I met this year. I’m so happy I met more amazing people. I’m thankful for my pen pals which I met this year. I’m thankful for the Goddess community, the Yoga Girl Community and this community. This mental health community is so important for my well-being. You make my life so much better. It’s so much better to know that I’m not alone with my feelings. We all feel the same things just not at the same time. It’s okay if you have had a hard year. I’m always here for you all. I hope this new year will make our heart glow of golden glitter โœจ.

I celebrated New Year’s Eve with my mother at the home of the mother of Verรณnica and her brother. It was strange to be there without my brother and Vรฉronica. They couldn’t be in Valladolid this time. We ate a delicious meal which was some meat, potatoes and bread with avocado and cheese sauce. I loved the chorizo and jamรณn serrano too which is typical Spanish food. In Spain it’s also typical to eat 12 grapes at twelve o’clock so we did that. I love to watch las campanadas ๐Ÿ‡๐Ÿ˜. We also drank some champagne ๐Ÿฅ‚ We watched a program on tv which I love because it’s about Spanish artists singing. I love singing programs ๐ŸŽถ. Later I also played Mario Kart Deluxe and Mario Bros with the Nintendo Switch from the brother of Verรณnica. I really loved it so much and was pretty good at it. I was bad at Just Dance haha ๐ŸŽฎ๐Ÿ˜‚ On New Year’s Day I was chilling, resting and watching the movie Notting Hill.

Happy new year my lovely friends! ๐ŸŽ‰ ๐Ÿ’–โœจ I believe in the good things coming and hopefully it will be in abundance this new year. We all deserve it so much. I wish you all love, health and happiness โœจ I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž. Thank you for being there for me always. We are always in this together ๐Ÿ’ช

Thank you all for reading this blog post, the first one of the new year yeahhhh โœจ I hope you all liked it. How are you feeling about this new year? What is an intention you have set for yourself this new year? How did you celebrate new year’s eve? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina

I’m so done people making choices for me

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I prepared another blog post but I think it has to wait. I really need to share my feelings and thoughts and I can only do it here in my safe space ๐Ÿ™. I’m in Spain right now and again I feel so bad. It feels like every time I’m in Spain now I get a mental breakdown ๐Ÿ˜ข. It’s horrible because it’s my fav place ever and I’m always so happy to be here. It’s heartbreaking that I’m again so sad, so anxious and so angry. I don’t want to feel bad in Spain again. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. It’s about people making choices for me. I’m sorry if this post is depressing but it’s just how I’m feeling. It’s also always when I feel the worst that I can speak the truth out loud in an authentic and vulnerable way. Maybe it will help others too who are feeling the same way. At the end, we all feel the same things just at different times. The picture below is me crying so hard. I just want to be really honest about that. Maybe it’s a cry of help but it just feels good to share on here.

The flight went well except that we had to walk so much because our luggage was in a different terminal. I’m exhausted from the trip to be honest. We ate some delicious pasta from the airplane, a bread with jamรณn serrano and I ate some delicious ๐Ÿ˜‹ yoghurt ice cream with smarties. We took the train to our home from Madrid. The bad stuff began when we talked with my family in The Netherlands.

I had an appointment for going to the dentist a few days ago in the afternoon and my mother in the morning for control. My family didn’t forget that and my mother said I wasn’t going that day but another day. I’m really exhausted. Then my family said well if you don’t go and come back to Holland then I will make an appointment to go there in the hospital. In Holland you can’t just go to a clinic or private thing because they aren’t specialized with getting wisdom teeth out. It cost more and you have to go to the hospital ๐Ÿฅ. The hospital makes me even more scared.

I said okay and we hang up. It was then when I felt so angry, anxious and sad. I can still feel my heart beating so fast ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ˜” I told my mother the most horrible things like I want to be dead. I wanted to run away and never come back. I slammed the doors so hard. Thank God nothing broke. I still feel bad. It’s not only the dentist thing which triggers me. It’s always people making decisions and choices for me in my life. Saying when I have to go to the dentist. Having to do things I don’t want to. I often do it because I’m a people pleaser. It’s not good. I’m so done with it. I’m always anxious of people being angry at me.

I don’t have the energy anymore. I really don’t. Yes of course I know I have to go to the dentist but just when I feel ready for it which is of course never because it’s a real phobia. I’m waiting for an infection silly me…. ๐Ÿ˜ข. I know our family wants the best for us but not in a good way sometimes. You can’t just force someone. I just would like to feel that sense of having some control over my life. Now I feel that others control my life. I feel obligated to go. It isn’t healthy for me that lack of control over my own life. It’s draining me.

Also clearly some people doesn’t understand my anxiety or any other mental illnesses. It’s so hard to feel so many feelings when someone just don’t understand you. I now I have to calm down but I feel like I don’t want to speak to anyone anymore. I don’t want to see anyone. How can I live my own life when I still feel others have so much influence on me? A few years ago I went to a mental health worker for anxiety and she told me that some people have too much influence on me. I really do love them all but I think she’s right because I just feel like I can’t make my own decisions which at the end makes me so unhappy and anxious in life. It’s important to be able to make your own decisions and live life the way you want.

I know I really have to go to the dentist but it’s just a big phobia I have. I don’t know how to overcome it. At the end all worries are in our mind and it’s nothing like I expect it. Then some people will say you see, you were afraid of nothing. Well, yes but that’s because I suffer from anxiety. That’s also the reason I don’t know if therapy would work for me because my family isn’t in favor of that. I also don’t know if that would benefit me. I just know that after 26 years living on this earth ๐ŸŒŽ it’s time for me to make decisions on my own.

Maybe, I also overreact now much more because I’m so exhausted and didn’t sleep well and enough last night. I also feel so lonely lately. I feel like some friends don’t understand me as well and ignore me. I get angry so easily. I’m not doing okay again and it hurts. I don’t want to see people who don’t care about me. I feel also like I’m hurting my mom which is the one I love the most in this life. It breaks my heart to see her suffering because of me ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข. I don’t want to die of course but I also don’t want to feel like this and live life this way because it hurts me.

Thank you for reading this post. I hope it made any sense. Sorry for the rant. I don’t even know why I’m always apologizing for feeling my feelings. I’m here for you all too โค๏ธ What do you think of all of this? Any advice? Do you also feel like others decide decisions for you in your life? I would really appreciate any thoughts, messages or advice ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ™.

Love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina

November favourites ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿด

Hola lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I’m happy that my November month turned positive because in the middle of November I felt so depressed, low and anxious in Spain ๐Ÿ˜ข. I know it’s because I associate Spain now with going to the dentist which increase my anxiety. I just don’t want to feel those horrible feelings again as it makes me feel so bad. It’s just the worst. Sometimes I also think maybe the universe wants me to learn me something. I had a bad experience a few years ago with a dentist who said I was childish and was acting like a 15 years old because I was anxious and cried. This dentist in Spain is so lovely and nice so if I get all my wisdom teeth out there maybe that will cover the bad experience I had with that dentist in Holland and will feel less fearful in the future. The universe always give us situations to learn something from them ๐ŸŒŒ. I’m happy to share with you now my favourites of November which includes eating delicious tapas with my friends, shopping time in the Primark, stationery shopping and finishing writing Christmas cards ๐ŸŽ„.

Things I did with my family ๐Ÿ‘ช:

Tapas night with mamita ๐Ÿด

I enjoyed some delicious tapas with my mother ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‹. This is a very funny story to be honest. We were in a famous bar in Valladolid to eat some croquetas. My mother heard some guys talking and she thought they were from another country. Suddenly they began to talk to us. One of them was from India and was working in a company in Chicago. The other man was Spanish and had his own company. They were both married. They invited us for some tapas, croquetas and a drink. My mother drank a glass of wine and I had mosto which is grape juice. Then they invited us to a second bar hahah my mother thought wow what?! It was nice to get all free food and drinks. In the second bar we ate some delicious jamรณn serrano. Then something uncomfortable happened for me. We talked about life and jobs and I said I was looking for a job. Then this Spanish man said he could offer me a job in the marketing sector in his own company. I laughed and didn’t say anything. He then said that I don’t have attitude and that isn’t good when you are looking for a job. Well, I’m not going to say anything about my anxiety and why I acted that way ๐Ÿ˜•. My mother asked for his contact details but that’s it. I don’t find it normal that a stranger says that to you. What do you think? I’m also always very careful and don’t trust people that easily. I’m not good in making choices too.

Dinner at Erchus ๐Ÿด

I had a delicious tortilla de patata with bread at Erchus. It’s not that far from us and cheap. My mother ate some delicious churros with chocolate โ˜•. This is typical Spanish and you often eat it during the cold Winter months. I love the chocolate but for a drink I prefer the hot chocolate even though this is the real chocolate drink.

Shopping time in Rio Shopping ๐Ÿ›’

One day we went to Rio Shopping in Valladolid. You have to take the bus to go there. I wasn’t feeling well in the bus twice. The second time was worse because I felt like I couldn’t breath. I know it’s anxiety but I guess it’s also because it’s always so hot everywhere which triggers my anxiety. I’m happy that afterwards we walked home from the city. I needed some fresh air. However, I enjoyed some shopping time in this big mall. I bought a nice book which is The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time in Fnac. I heard a lot of good things about this book ๐Ÿ“–. My daddy has that book at home in Dutch. I also went to Primark with my mother and bought some nice things such as fluffy purple socks, frozen socks which I love, stationery set of Harry Potter, black heart panties, and a necklace from Disney which says be yourself which is already broken now. Afterwards, we went to Ikea and enjoyed some delicious hotdogs with fries ๐ŸŸ. I also loved that we could drink as much as we want. I had some lemon drink.

Dinner at El Corte Inglรฉs ๐Ÿด

I had a delicious dinner with my mother in the big shop El Corte Inglรฉs ๐Ÿ˜‹. We always love to eat sandwich ham & cheese with potatoes. My mother drank some tea and I had an ice tea. I also bought a blue striped jeans in Bershka. It’s been some time since I bought some clothes. I also bought some Christmas stickers ๐ŸŽ…๐Ÿคถ at Tiger.

Watched the movie To all the boys I’ve loved before ๐Ÿ’˜๐ŸŽฌ

Finally I watched the movie To all the boys I’ve loved before with my mother at home. I want to also buy this book and read it. This movie is about Lara Jean who writes letters to all of her past loves, the letters are meant for her eyes only. Until one day when all the love letters are sent out to her previous loves. Her life is soon thrown into chaos when her foregoing loves confront her one by one. I loved this movie so much! ๐Ÿ˜ It’s a funny and romantic movie. I find the story very funny and the end is also so good. I wish I could have that happy ending too.

Buying stationery ๐Ÿ›๏ธโœ’๏ธ

I bought some amazing stationery with my mother at my favourite shop which is Action in The Netherlands. I bought some calligraphy rose gold pens, some nice stickers with dog and cats and quotes on it and a design paperpad deluxe with glitter which has 26 pages full of colours, quotes and unicorn print ๐Ÿฆ„. I also bought a mystery designpad with all pages covered of the universe, stars, astrology signs and beautiful purple and blue colours. Aaaah it’s so damn beautiful! ๐Ÿ˜โœจ๐ŸŒŒ I can use it to write quotes on it and sent that to my lovely pen pals.

Buying bath products and envelopes at Hema ๐Ÿ›€โค๏ธ

I bought some nice bath products ๐Ÿ›€ at the Hema. I bought hand cream with shea butter and eucalyptus oil and a glitter hair spray for Christmas ๐ŸŽ„โœจ I love to care about my body with great products. They smell so well and I love the design and colours. I also bought some set of envelopes, three with bubble paper and the other 20 are self adhesive which is very useful.

Inspiring talks on the airplane โœจโœˆ๏ธ

I had some good talks on the airplane this month. On the way to Spain I met a nice girl from Uruguay and the way back to Holland I met a guy from Spain. I had such a beautiful connection with him. It makes me sad that he doesn’t talk to me anymore but I’m happy that I had that conversations as sometimes you just need some good talks to get inspired and be more positive in life. We all need some positive words and some kindness. You can read about those talks in this post. I also met my lovely Spanish teacher at the airport in Madrid ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ธ.

Watching Junior Eurovision Song Contest 2019 ๐ŸŽถ

I watched Junior Eurovision Song Contest with my mother in The Netherlands. I always loved to watch it because it’s so cute to see kids singing. Spain returned after 13 years again. I’m so proud Melani got the third place with the beautiful song Marte which is about climate change and plastic waste in the ocean ๐ŸŒŠ. I wrote about her song in this post. The Netherlands got the fourth place with a dance song. I wished Spain would have won instead of Poland again. It was fun to watch.

Lovely things I did with my friends ๐Ÿ’–:

Tapas night with my lovely friends in Haarlem ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿด

๐‘ฐ ๐’ˆ๐’†๐’• ๐’ƒ๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’•๐’‰ ๐’‚ ๐’๐’Š๐’•๐’•๐’๐’† ๐’‰๐’†๐’๐’‘ ๐’‡๐’“๐’๐’Ž ๐’Ž๐’š ๐’‡๐’“๐’Š๐’†๐’๐’…๐’” ๐Ÿ’ž

The tapas night with my friends was awesome as always. I ate with my lovely friends at @lacubanitahaarlem. This time we changed from restaurant as we always ate in El Pincho. I love both of these restaurants so much. The tapas were delicious, service was fast and they were friendly and it’s not that expensive ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿค—๐Ÿด I loved the albรณndigas with tomato sauce, sweet potatoes with curry, quesadillas, croquettes, tomatoes with mozarella and jamรณn serrano with melon. I also drank a virgen cocktail with coconut syrup and pineapple.

We ate so much all together as we could eat as much as we want because it’s a fixed price. As dessert my friends enjoyed a brownie, velvet cake ๐Ÿฐ and ice cream. I always eat the dame blanche which is vanilla ice cream with warm chocolate sauce and whipped cream ๐Ÿจ. I can never have enough of that as it’s my favourite dessert. We were the last ones in leaving the restaurant hahaha ๐Ÿ˜‚. Time flies when you are having fun. Afterwards, we went to see a bit of a live concert in cafรฉ Stiels.

Thank you so much for this lovely evening my friends ๐Ÿ’–. Whenever I’m with the people I love everything is fine. Thank you for always being there for me. I really needed to spend some time with my good friends as that’s also good for my mental health. It’s so important to be surrounded by people who actually care about you. Spanish vibes always ๐ŸŽ‰ I’m so blessed to have you all in my life. Real friends are the ones who are there for you in good and bad times. I’m happy I found my tribe haha. Friends who love food are the best friends you can ask for ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿด Friends forever ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ‘ฌ๐Ÿ‘ญ๐Ÿ’ƒ We will see each other soon again. Love you all so much ๐Ÿ˜˜ xoxo

Pen pal letters ๐Ÿ’Œ

I got some lovely pen pal letters from pen pals in America. One was handwritten and the other one was typed. I love to receive mail so much as it always make me so happy. These two girls are from the Yoga Girl Community. I hope to meet them one day. I also get a nice letter from Jess. I loved the quotes and the lovely cactus stickers. It was all so cute ๐Ÿ’ž.

Finished writing Christmas cards ๐ŸŽ„

I wrote 32 Christmas cards for my family and friends all over the world. I’m sending 20 with the post. I always love to give and receive Christmas cards. It’s just such a nice tradition. I decorate them with washi tape, stickers and glitter. In some of them I also have a surprise which is a golden or silver star. I like to make them personal. I hope they will like them ๐Ÿ˜Š.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all liked it. What was your favourite from my list? What did you enjoy in November? Do you also write Christmas cards? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ๐Ÿ’•,

xoxo Christina




Struggling so much with my mental health ๐Ÿ˜ข

Hey lovelies ๐Ÿ’•,

I’m always honest and 100% vulnerable about my journey of mental health especially on my blog like I said in this blog post. In real life it’s much more difficult to be open about it because I still feel not everyone understands it. There is still a taboo surrounding mental health. People are getting more open but it will still take a lot of time for people to understand that we can get physically but also mentally ill and that there’s no shame to admit that we are struggling. It takes a lot of courage to be open so that’s what I’m going to do right now in this post. I will tell you how I’m feeling because letting these words out make me at least feel less alone. Even writing all of this takes me too much effort ๐Ÿ˜ข.

So, to be honest I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel so hopeless. I’m not okay. I can’t see any point of living anymore in life. I feel like I’m getting depressed. I’m not in danger because I know I never would do something to harm me. I’m just exhausted to go through life while feeling anxious for everything I have to face all the time. I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. I know maybe asking for help would help. I just don’t know if therapy would really help me because I keep thinking of the time I had some form of therapy, 7 sessions and had to vomit every time and my anxiety even got worse…. I still have anti anxiety medication at home from when I got it subscribed by the doctor in Spain. My mother uses diazepam which she also sometimes can give me when I feel really bad. I know the medication benzodiazepines can be addictive but when you use it whenever you need it I guess it’s okay. I mean why are people always saying those bad and negative stuff about using medication for a mental illness when there are people taking medication for their physical health every day? There has to be no difference in this.

I know I’m doing bad because I don’t leave the house often. I can’t sleep good at night and my routine is a mess. I get anxious outside sometimes seeing so much people. Last week I went to a shopping mall and I got anxious in the bus twice. It felt like I couldn’t breath. I was happy to go outside the bus and walk home with my mother. I’m just always so afraid to get a panic attack because it’s the worst. I don’t want to go through that again. The thing is that the more I worry about that, the more it will likely to happen I think. I’m just so anxious about going to the dentist. I think that’s also now the underlying reason of all my anxiety. I keep postponing it when I have an appointment next month in Spain. I’m the most afraid to loose control and to experience a panic attack. I’m so done with experiencing the waves of anxiety. I’m still struggling with finding a job too as I don’t know how to face people and get only rejections. I just want to hide in my bed under a blanket forever. Unfortunately, I know that can’t happen but I still do it most of the time.

I really don’t know what to do to move forward in my life. I lost my hope and will to live. I’m not in crisis and I know I won’t do anything to harm myself. I just don’t know how to come out of this black hole I’m in. Anxiety keeps me from doing the things I love which means following my dreams. My whole existence cause me anxiety. Sometimes I experience anxiety for no reason. I could sit on a chair watching tv and feel that knot in my stomach and that sense of fear. It’s so hard to live your life that way. People sometimes ask me what gives me anxiety and the answer to that question is everything, this life. Sometimes I think anxiety is part of me but I have to know that I have it and that it’s not part of my personality but sometimes it feels that way.

Last night I experienced one of the worst moments of suffering from anxiety. I felt nauseous and was afraid to throw up. That always cause me even more anxiety because I keep thinking no don’t throw up. I had cold and hot flashes. I felt so bad, so bad. I deactivated FB again as social media only give me more anxiety right now and can’t deal with it. I wrote a message on FB of how I was doing and got some nice caring comments from people I care about but my heart was beating so fast then because I’m afraid to open up to people who know me. Here on this blog it’s different. At the end, I slept in my mother’s bed because there I feel more safe with her. I also took valium 4mg which she also takes. It helpt me feeling more calm and be able to sleep. I could finally sleep 11 hours. I just don’t know how to travel back to Holland in a few days in this state. I’m so afraid to get a panic attack or feel this way because it feels like I’m dying. Of course, I know it isn’t true but it’s just the worst thought. My mother already said how powerful our minds are. It’s so scary to be honest ๐Ÿ˜ข. I wish to buy new funcional brains. If someone knows where to buy them, I will buy them in a quick second even if they have to come from Ebay China lol ๐Ÿ˜‚

I’m also a highly sensitive person who suffer from anxiety. It gets harder because I’m already so sensitive for everything. I suffer and cry more but I also love more. I can cry about everything. I get hurt easily when someone says a mean comment. I overthink a lot. I also empathize much more to other people, care about others and love deeper. I’m compassionate and creative. There are a lot of good things I also am but right now I focus too much on the negative things like I can’t do anything right in life.

Yesterday I listened to a podcast of Yoga Girl which was very inspiring and interesting. It was about how this world always value a person when we produce something. If you are working and producing to society you are worthy of love. It feels like we have to be worthy and to be seen when we are succeeding. There is so much wrong in that. I really do wish I could live a life I’m happy of and work in a job which I love but honestly right now I can’t because I’m sick. Capitalism is just so bad. We have to know that we are always worthy of love and that we aren’t alone. We are not what we produce. What matters is not what I do but who I’m. Those words of Yoga Girl sticked in my head and it relates well to this blog post. We are so much more than our jobs, the things we do in life. We are a person with feelings. We are human and we deserve all the love. We are not less than someone else just because we aren’t studying/working because we are physically, mentally or chronically ill. It’s not our fault.

I really wish to get better one day as it’s so exhausting to go through life while feeling anxious all the time. Recovery isn’t lineal and takes a lot of time. I just really don’t like to feel nauseous, dizzy, feeling like I can’t breath or feeling like I have no control over my body and mind. I also believe from what I said earlier that it’s okay to take a break from life. It’s okay to not study/work when you are ill. You deserve to take a rest. Nowadays it seems like being busy is the most important thing in life because of capitalism. It’s all about buying and doing when we just forget to live, to be still and present with our feelings and thoughts.

Always remember, we aren’t alone. We are all in this together. No matter how though life gets we will get through the other end. We will see the light after all the darkness. One step at a time.

Thank you all for reading this honest post about how I’m doing right now ๐Ÿ˜ข. It took me a lot of courage to write this post. What would you advice me to do? What do you do in hard times? How are you feeling right now? I’m always here for you all. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much ๐Ÿ’ž,

xoxo Christina