Living with trichotillomania

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I want to share a blog post about a mental health disorder which is trichotillomania. I feel ashamed to share it but I have to share it. I actually didn’t want to share this but today I find the courage and strength to share this in the hope others who are suffering from it too don’t feel alone. I also want to raise awareness and understanding. I have never been diagnosed of it but I know I have it because it isn’t normal what I do. I just feel I can share it here as it’s my safe space.

Picture of a girl pulling hair out because of trichotillomania

As you all know by reading my blog I suffer from anxiety which is hard and I’m not doing well lately. I also suffer from trichotillomania which I think is a consequence of feeling anxious. Trichotillomania is also called hair-pulling disorder, is a mental disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes or other areas of your body, despite trying to stop.

Explanation of trichotillomania

I wouldn’t pull my hair out but what I do is pulling my eyebrows and eyelashes out. I feel so ashamed and bad about it. I think I have had it all my life but lately it’s been really bad. Last year, I had basically one eyebrow in Spain because the other one I pulled almost completely out. It was really bad. I covered my face with my bangs because thanks god I have bangs otherwise everyone would have seen it.

I remember cancelling appointments with people because I felt so ashamed of it. I didn’t want my friends to see me that way. I would think that they think I’m crazy and out of control 😒 It really hurt me. Some people asked me once and I said it was an infection and that I went to the doctors. They believed me. I felt good about lying but I still made me feel bad. I wouldn’t like to see myself in the mirrow. I felt ugly because of it. Then I didn’t do it for a few months and on my birthday last year it was almost all good again. Until next time….

This year it happened again, this time it was the other eyebrow but I’m happy it grows fast but I had like open spaces. One day I was meeting my best friend in Holland and then she saw my eyebrow and said that I always had full eyebrows and asked what happened. At the end, I told her and felt so ashamed. I was so happy she understood me and said we all have our things. One is nail biting, the other one pulls their eyebrows out and the other one has another thing. My good friends know it too and respect me. They also are worried about me. I love to feel loved and it’s good to know that they care about me.

I also always think it could be worse. I never did self harm and never will do because I’m afraid of blood. I feel dizzy and nauseous when I see blood. However, what I do is also not okay and maybe I have to ask for help for it. I also would have to do that for anxiety and I’m not doing it because I’m so anxious of therapy. That’s just the truth. A few years ago I went to a sort of mental health worker in Holland and had to vomit every time I went so I don’t want to go through that again. Here I’m still so anxious about everything in life such as going through an interview in Spain for an internship in a hotel, getting my wisdom teeth pulled out one day and just everything in life. I’m not okay.

My eyebrows are kinda okay now. I searched a lot through internet and I read that castoroil would grow your eyebrows and eyelashes. It definitely does. My eyebrows have grown so much. I’m happy about that 😊. I’m not happy about this month that I begin to pull my eyelashes out as I have almost no eyelashes in one eye. It makes me feel so bad and ashamed again. My mother watch me doing it and said I make her nervous. She said just stop it but I just can’t. It’s so difficult to stop it. I hate it. I will keep using castoroil and hopefully for my next birthday the first of June I will have more eyelashes again. I feel like eyelashes grow less faster than eyebrows.

Conversation of someone having the mental illness trichotillomania

Sometimes I don’t do it for a time, could be days or even months but then I begin again and I just can’t stop until I made it so bad. I won’t share pictures because this feels already so hard to share. I hope you all don’t think I’m crazy because trust me I really wish I wouldn’t do this stupid thing. I just wish not many people will see it. Maybe, I have to buy fake eyelashes as I see many people and celebrities wearing it. I’m afraid it would destroy my eyes or hold on the growing of the eyelashes when using castoroil. I don’t know what to do. I also for now stopped using mascara as you would see that on one eye I have all my eyelashes and on one not. I love to wear make up but for now I don’t do it πŸ˜”.

Girl crying because of her illness trichotillomania

Thank you all for reading this vulnerable blog post. I feel good to share it here as I know you are always there for me. Thank you for holding space for me you have πŸ’— We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ Do you also suffer from trichotillomania? Do you have any tips? What would you do? Let me know as I would really appreciate your thoughts and help.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Fear of death

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I wrote this post a few months ago. I wanted to share it now with you all. Today I will talk about one of my biggest fears in life and which is also a real trigger for my anxiety. I hope this blog post will not sound that weird but I just need to write my thoughts and feelings about this subject down here. This is the only safe space where I can just vent knowing that every strange thing I will write about will be accepted haha πŸ˜‚. I’m going to talk about my fear of death. Fear of death is also named thanatophobia. I know I had/have this my whole life.

Since I’ve been little I’ve always been thinking about life and death. I was always wondering about life. Since I began to realise that we’re all going to die one day I completely paralised. It makes my anxiety disorder worse because every time I begin to think about this I feel so anxious. It’s pretty strange too because when I had a panic attack or felt so anxious I remember times I said to myself: “I just want to die. I can’t live with this intense pain anymore.” The thing is, I don’t want to die because I’m afraid of dying. I’m afraid of life too because of anxiety. It’s a constant circle of thoughts. The thought that we are all going to die and that the sun and just this whole world will stop one day too makes me really feel so anxious.

I remember times I was talking with my best friend about this subject and she said to me that she wouldn’t want to live forever. I also think that it will not be great if you see everyone around you dying and you are the only one who lives forever. Maybe, it’s okay that one day everything stops but still it feels scary and strange. I always thought like okay a person can maybe live 100 years so I was always counting how many years that person still could live before they turn 100. I know maybe this sounds really crazy haha but I always do that πŸ˜‚. Then I think ohhh this person still can live 50 years for example and I get a bit happier about the fact that he/she still has many years to live.

When I’m getting really deep in my thoughts I also begin to think that this life is precious and fragile. One day you live, the next day you die. You never know when it will happen to you. I begin to think how amazing all those little things in life are as seeing the flowers blossom, listening to your favourite music, hearing the waves of the ocean crashing to the shore, listening to the singing of the birds and so many other things that we often take for granted. The fact that we are a human being that lives and breath on this earth is just a beautiful miracle ✨

I have also always been afraid of growing older because of this fear. I know I have to be happy about growing older because not everyone get that privilege. I know so many times that during my childhood kids would say: β€œI can’t wait to grow older”. I always thought to myself: β€œI want to stay this little forever.” Growing older for me also meant being bullied at highschool, my first break up, anxiety disorder and so many other problems in life. I loved being little and careless. Every year my birthday arrives I get anxious and begin to think about my life. One year less to live. I also begin to think about the fact that I’m not living the life I want and still not have achieved the things I dream of. I know I’ve time but it just makes me anxious to think of that time is running out.

The worst part of the fear of death is thinking about loosing my parents one day. I think that’s the worst part of it all. I can already feel the tears in my eyes coming. I’m crying right now. This thought sometimes keeps me up at night and I remember so many times that I was crying about this at night. I remember that I googled it so many times. I just don’t know how I would cope without my mother and father. I love them so much. Maybe, this fear comes also from my teenage years where I almost lost my father. When I was 11 years old my father got accute pancreatis because of taking a medicine for high cholestrol. This was a side effect of that medicine. He had to go through 5 surgeries in 5 years of being ill. Basically, they cut a lot of his organs because he had so many complications during these years. I almost lost my father when I was just 11 years old 😒. A few times he was really in life danger and almost died.

I just remember how I was crying and praying that he would live. This fear of death was so real because I just felt it in all my bones. I’m so happy he survived it. He has now diabetics because they also cut his pancreatis to have no infection anymore. He’s living with that illness and hopefully he will live many more years. He still goes to controls every year. Even though I have a better relationship with my mother because she understand me so well I love them both of course. The thought of loosing my father or mother is just the worst. They are the ones who brought you to life and loosing them will make you feel like you are loosing something of yourself.

The worst thing about it is that I know of course that this will happen one day. Also when I think of loosing my best friends, brothers, family members or other loved ones it makes me so unbelievable sad. I don’t want to live in a world without them. I know I will have to. I never went to a funeral until last year in October. Lisa, a girl from my choir, died from leucemia. I went with my mother to this cremation. It was really a beautiful ceremony. I only saw the closed coffin. I’m glad I conquered this fear and went for the first time in my life. I know I will always have this fear but hopefully it will become better within time.

Maybe, death is also our teacher. After I went to this funeral I begin to think about life. When people die around you it teach you that life is fragile and that you only have one life. β€œLove the life you live. Live the life you love” as Bob Marley says ❀️. We have to always listen to our hearts and follow our dreams. I long of inspiring people and helping other people in need. I want to make this world a better place to live in. I want to travel the world. I have so many dreams that I want to achieve. This life is beautiful and death is part of it. Life is everything between birth and death. I hope I can let my mind become more still and less anxious about this fear of death. Let us all enjoy life and be happy. That’s what matters the most.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also have a fear of death? Can you relate to it? I would love to know your thoughts of this topic in the comment section. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

A to Z of my favourite things in life πŸ’•

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I always wanted to make this blog post. I saw many bloggers doing this too. I’m going to make a list from A to Z of my favourite things which makes me happy in life. I hope you are going to like this post and be inspired by it. I’m only choosing one word or more for every letter because it’s difficult for me to choose only one hahaha πŸ˜‚.

A – Art 🎨

I love art. The earth without art is just eh is one of my favourite quotes. It’s just so true. Art is beautiful. I love to go to museums and I really want to go more and enjoy paintings. I love every form of art such as paintings, photography, music, literature and dancing.

B – Books πŸ“š

Omgggg hell yeah books are one of my favourite things in life. I want to read more this year and for the rest of my life. You learn so much of life and from the world by reading. If people hurt you, books will always be there for you. You cry, laugh and just feel every feeling while reading a good book.

C – Cats & CuΓ©ntame como pasΓ³ πŸˆπŸ“Ί

I love cats. I used to be a dog person too because I was always carrying about the dogs in my neighbourhood in The Netherlands. However, I prefer cats now much more. They are so cute and fluffy 😍🐱😻 I don’t know if I would ever get a cat because I’m always travelling but I love to be around them. They are really cute except that random one cat who was biting me once πŸ˜‚

I love the Spanish serie CuΓ©ntame Como PasΓ³ so much. The actors are amazing. I also learn so much of the Spanish history with the serie. I cry, I laugh and just feel every feeling when I watch it. It’s about a Spanish family and shows how they live during that time. I can’t wait to watch the new season.

D – Dress πŸ‘—

I love to wear dresses in the Spring and Summer time. It’s basically my favourite thing to wear around this time. In Spain I can use them more because it’s much more sunnier than in The Netherlands. My favourite dresses are ones with flowers, my favourite green dress or jumpsuit.

E – Eating 🍴

I love food so much. I like to eat with friends or family at home or in a restaurant. I like to enjoy eating rather than to eat because you have to eat. Who doesn’t love to eat good food? πŸ˜‹ It’s such a nice pleasure.

F – Friends/family and flowers πŸ‘ͺπŸ’

Family is so important for me as well as my friends. Life is beautiful but also though so we all need a little bit of help from our family or friends. It’s so important to have the right people in your life who will love you and be there for you πŸ’•

I also love flowers so much. I love to see them blossom in the Summer months. Flowers are beautiful and they make me so damn happy 🌸🌻🌼 This picture is from the beautiful tulip park in Holland.

G – Grass 🌱

I love the smell of fresh grass and I love to sit on grass when it’s sunny. My favourite thing to do is laying in grass and watching the beautiful clouds go by. I also like to read a book on the grass.

H – Home and hearts πŸ‘πŸ’•

Home is where the heart is. I love home because it’s the place I feel the most safe. I love to live in a cozy home where I feel happy and at peace. I’m also blessed to have a home because I know there are many people living on the streets in this world. Thats just breaks my heart. We have to be happy of the things we have.

I also love hearts so much. They make me so happy. I always have stuff in my room covered with hearts. I also love to have clothes with hearts prints. I have to buy more of them.

I – Ice cream 🍧

Ice cream is one of my favourite things to eat in life. I love soft ice cream, italian ice cream and just everything about ice 🍦🍨. My favourite ice cream is italian ice cream and especially the chocolate, chocolate mint chip and coconut flavour. I also like to have a Mc Flurry at the McDonald’s. You can never eat enough ice and you can eat it whenever you want, not only in Summer. The picture below is from last Saturday when I enjoyed eating a delicious ice cream with discodip.

J – Juice🍹

I love when my mother makes natural orange juice or when we make together delicious fruit smoothies. It’s just the best. It’s healthy because it’s full of vitamins and also taste delicious.

K – Kiwi πŸ₯

I love eating kiwis so much. They are delicious and they are one of my favourite fruits. They are very healthy and full of vitamins too.

L – Love πŸ’–

Love is really the most important thing in life. You can love your parents, your husband/wife, your boyfriend/girlfriend or any of your friends. Every form of love is beautiful. Love is the essence of life. Life without love would be a hell. We can never have enough kindness and love in this world. Love just makes everything better in life.

M – Music & movies 🎢🎬

Music is life. I can’t imagine life without music. Music is always there for you. Music is there for you when you are sad, happy or just when you want to feel inspired. I love going to live concerts and meeting my favourite artists. I’m so blessed I live in this world where there are amazing artists and such amazing music to listen to 🎹🎧.

I love to watch movies at home. It’s been such a long time since I went to the cinema. I have to go again because I miss it. The last time I went I felt a panic attack upcoming so that’s why I don’t go anymore. I love watching movies because it makes you learn so much about life and transport you to another world.

N – Nature 🌍

Nature is just the most beautiful thing in this world. Nature is all that lives on this earth such as the flowers, trees and animals. I also love the different landscapes such as the mountains and the beach. I’m so blessed to live on such a beautiful planet. I also know that we have to take care of our planet. I can’t wait to discover and enjoy more nature this year 😍🌳 It always makes me feel so happy and calm. Nature gives us so many lessons such as to be present and enjoy the moment. This picture below is from the time I was in Mallorca. My favourite island ever! 😍 I can’t wait to go back. I have already been there 3 times.

O – Ocean 🌊

The ocean and the beach is my favourite place on this earth. The ocean is my home. It makes me feel so peaceful and so happy. I can’t wait to go to the sea soon and enjoy some surfing lessons and swim in the ocean. It’s the place where I feel young, wild and free. I love the quote of the surfer Laird Hamilton which is this one: “The biggest sin in the world would be if I lost my love for the ocean.”Β This is definitely that one quote which let you see how much I love the ocean.

P – Pizza, pasta, photography & Pretty Little Liars πŸ•πŸ“·πŸ’•

Pizza is my favourite food. I also love pasta so much. I love to eat this food so much. Who doesn’t love to eat a delicious pizza or delicious pasta? I always eat mini little pizzas at home. I also eat a lot of macoroni at home which my mother makes. She also makes a delicious natural tomato sause which makes it even better 😊

I also love photography. I have many cameras which includes a polaroid camera and a lomography camera. I want to make and share more pictures also on this blog to let you see my love for photography. My brother also loves photography for his whole life and has now his own wedding photography company with his wife.

One of my favourite series is Pretty Little Liars. I love to watch it even though sometimes I get scared. Who’s A haha πŸ˜‚ This serie is about 5 girls where one of them Alison get missed and they are trying to solve this mistery. There’s a person called A who’s blackmailing and stalking them all the time. They have to find out who it’s but things get complicated and people get murdered. I love all the actors and it’s such a good serie. I’m almost at season 6 now.

Q – Quotes πŸ“

I love quotes so much. We all need a good quote to live by. I find so much inspiration in beautiful quotes. Sometimes I find them on social media, on Tumblr, in a book or while watching a movie. It feels good to read a quote when you feel sad and want to feel less alone. They also makes me happy and feel inspired ✨

R – Rainbow and roses 🌈🌹

I love to see a rainbow. I think it’s such a beautiful wonder of nature. There always come sunshine after rain which is just like life. After bad times good times will come.

I also love roses so much. They are my favourite flowers among with beautiful daisies 🌼 Roses are so pretty to see and also smell so well. My favourite rose is the red rose.

S – Sun, Summer, sunflowers, singing and surfing πŸŒžπŸŒ»πŸŽ€πŸ„πŸ˜Ž

I had to think of so many things with the s. I already wrote ocean by the letter o so I didn’t use the sea here. I love the sun which gives us so many good vibes and warmth. Summer is my favourite season because of the sunshine and more daylight. Life is just so much prettier and better in Summer.

One of my other favourite flowers are also sunflowers. I love to ride along the sunflowers fields in Spain. In The Netherlands there’s less sunshine so they don’t grow that well as in Spain. Hopefully, one day I can make some beautiful pictures there and share them with all of you.

I love singing and surfing. They are one of my favourite hobbies. I used to sing in a choir in The Netherlands for 11 years. I really wish to sing more again. I also would love to go to a surf camp again in Spain this Summer. It’s been more than two years since I surfed. I also am craving that so much.

T – Tea and travelling 🍡✈️

Tea is my favourite hot drink. I always drink it even on hot Summer nights πŸ˜‚πŸ”₯ I just love drinking tea so much. My favourite brand is Yogi Tea because it contains quotes full of wisdom and also tastes delicious.

I love travelling so much. It’s my favourite thing to do in life. You learn so much from travelling. You learn from other new cultures and languages. Besides, meeting new friends is also so great while travelling. Travelling makes you have an open mind and I’m always into a great adventure alone, with friends or with family 😍

U – Underwater & universe 🐬🐳✨🌜

I love the underwater world. I don’t know if I will have courage to dive one day but I like snorkeling. I did that in Mallorca some years ago. I was amazed of seeing the beautiful fishes. The underwater world is also scary because of the unknown and there also creepy animals in the ocean. I still love to remind myself of the beautiful animals and corals there are in there and also the ones who still aren’t discovered yet. I also love swimming. It makes you feel so relaxed and calm.

I love astrology and I also love the universe so much. I love the stars, the moon, the sun and all the planets. It’s amazing how we live on this blue planet. It feels like a miracle. I love those Summer nights where I’m watching the stars and just think of how beautiful life is. I love the mistery of it.

V – Vacation πŸ–οΈπŸ•οΈπŸοΈ

Who doesn’t love to go on a nice vacation?! I love holidays. I love going away to a place I don’t know anyone & where I have never been. It always make me feel excited. There’s so much to see and do in this world. The world is waiting for you so whenever you get a chance take that vacation and goooo have fun πŸ’•

W – Writing and watermelon βœ’οΈπŸ‰

Writing is one of my biggest passions. That’s why I also began this blog. I love to write about topics I’m passionate about such as lifestyle, mental health, feminism, travelling, books, self care and self love. I also love to share more poetry in the future. I have always been a writer. I wrote in my diaries when I was younger. I still have some journals and I love scrapbooking. I also like to write handwritten letters. I also won some prizes while writing essays or poetry.

Watermelon is my favourite Summer fruit πŸ˜πŸ‰ I eat that so much in Spain during the hot Summer days. It’s so refreshing and so yummy.

X – Xmas & xoxo πŸŽ„πŸ˜˜

Xmas also known as Christmas is my favourite time of the year. I love Christmas because of spending time with your family, eating delicious food and feeling that Christmas spirit.

I love xoxo because I always use it to send texts or here on my blog. It means kisses and hugs. I also love it because it reminds me of my other favourite serie which is Gossip Girl. It’s about a group of friends that live in New York City and involves a lot of drama and gossips “You know you love me. xoxo Gossip girl.”

Y – Yoga girl πŸ§˜β€β™€οΈ

My biggest inspiration in life is Yoga Girl also known as Rachel Brathen. She’s a famous Swedish international yoga teacher who lives in Aruba with her husband Dennis and her little girl Lea Luna. I still am going to share a blog post I made about her soon. I love how authentic, vulnerable and honest she’s. I love her postcasts and everything she shares on the internet. I also want to take some yoga lessons again as I only did it twice and loved it. Hopefully one day I can go to a yoga retreat in her studio in Aruba πŸ˜πŸ‡¦πŸ‡Ό That would definitely be a dream coming true. I also love that I’m in the Facebook community group. We are never alone. We can all be a Yoga Girl and inspire and help others πŸ’•πŸ™.

Z – zzz 😴

I love sleeping. Sleeping is also so important for your health. If I don’t sleep enough I can’t function well. I get more anxious and feel bad. Sleeping feels peaceful as it makes you forget your problems for a while.

That was my list from A to Z of my happy and favourite things in life. Of course, there might be more things but I didn’t want to add more. This post is already long haha. I hope you all enjoyed it. Could you relate to my my list? What are your favourite things in life? Let me know in the comments. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Hey, you. Don’t give up, okay? πŸ’•βœ¨πŸ’—πŸ™

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

We all need this reminder. As I’m struggling in life right now with having anxiety about the future, being nauseous all the time, job anxiety and just about everything I need to know to not give up. I wrote this poem a few nights ago because when I can’t sleep at night and feel bad is when I feel the most inspired to write. I love to write poems and want to write and share more of them on my blog.Β It’s pretty amazing how that works, right?! Writing makes me feel so happy. I will never stop writing. I just wanted to write this for you all. I hope it will give you some hope βœ¨πŸ™

We all need to know that we will find a light through our darkest times.

We all need to know that we can go through hard times in life.

We all need to know that feelings come and go.

We all need to know that life’s is about the little moments.

We all need to know that better things are coming.

We all need to know that life’s about finding the balance between the good and the bad.

We all need to know that life’s hard but we are thougher.

We all need to know that we are loved.

We all need to know that we aren’t alone in our feelings and thoughts.

We all need to know that there’s someone who feels exactly the same way as we do.

We all need to know that this too shall pass.

We all need to know that we will find a purpose in life.

We all need to know that being alive is the greatest gift of all.

We all need to know that true happiness is loving yourself unconditionally.

We all need to know that there will be a time where we find our happiness again.

We all need to know that we are warriors and that we won’t give up πŸ’ͺ

We all need to know that we are all in this together and that we will stick together ❀️

Keep going lovelies, never give up!

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Did you like this poem? Did it make you feel happy and inspired? πŸ’« I would love to know your thoughts. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I’m fed up of people telling me how to live my life

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today is again a day to write about my feelings and thoughts. I will write about how I feel that I can’t live my life because of my parents controlling my life. I just cried so much. I’m back in The Netherlands since almost two weeks. When I’m alone with my mother everything is fine but now we are back in The Netherlands I knew my father would make me again push me to get a job. Here I’m again feeling like there are people controlling my life which increase my anxiety and makes me feel like I can’t follow my dreams because they don’t let me.

If-you-want-to-live-your-life-to-the-fullest.jpg

My mother is also always talking about how I have to search for a job etc. I’m searching, I really am but everything about searching for a job just gives me so much anxiety. I think they don’t understand it at all. Only the people who are going through this know how much a struggle all of this is and especially having an anxiety disorder makes it all even more complicated and difficult. I’m counting the days down when I will go to Spain again with my mother on the 27th of December. Even though my father booked a flight back in January I don’t want to go back to Holland. I want to live and work in Spain. That’s my dream. It feels like he don’t let me. All my life I’ve done what others expect me to do and I’m so done of that. It still feels like I can’t speak up because I know how he will act and that he would get angry. I’m afraid of speaking up. I always stay quiet and accept everything when it isn’t good for me at all. Two years ago I spoke about this subject with a mental health worker where I went for some therapy sessions and she said that I get so much influence of my family. I need to stop it and it’s just so true.

I love my family but I have to live this life my own way. It’s my life. I’m 25 years old. Yesterday my father already said that he had seen a job for me in Amsterdam of Hema. That’s a nice Dutch brand. That job was for native Spanish and Dutch speakers and was about helping in the customer service section. You would gain at least €1000 each month. Okay, it sounds nice but I’ve to decide if I want to do that job not my father. I just want to search and apply for jobs on my own like I’ve done these months. I got so many calls from a company from Portugal which I never pick up because I’m afraid but maybe I have to pick it up. Maybe, I have to start a life somewhere else. Today my father saw another vacancy which was about working in the international office of the University of Amsterdam. They could pay you like €2000 each month. Yeah, it sounds nice and the working tasks were all the tasks I did on my internship in Valladolid, in Spain last year. Just an hour ago, my father said okay you can make a cv and tomorrow you are going to apply. Just like that. I said yes. I already have my cv but fuck off I don’t want to apply just because he force and push me to apply for this job. I’m now looking into websites which has Dutch companies in Spain. I want to search for a job on my own because I want to not just because my father wants me to do that job. He even said that he would come to my interview. Then maybe I would say a lie like that they didn’t hire me.

I just want that they can all leave my alone. It gives me this feeling of wanting to give up in life because I can’t live my life my way. I always have to do what people except me to do in order to please them all and to never get anyone angry at me. I feel like I can not always do something for myself in my life and that really frustrates me. I also did some things for myself but I feel again that isn’t enough. I went on exchange to Spain because I wanted to. I did my intership last year in Spain because I wanted to. I remember how my father wasn’t positive about applying for the essay contest to get a free trip to New York City and speak at the United Nations. He thought I wouldn’t win and it was in the middle of my studies. I had to focus on my studies and blablabla. Well, I applied two years and I won the second year. So, fuck yeah I’m so proud of myself that I applied and didn’t listen to other people voices πŸ’ͺ. When I won he was happy and proud of me but that’s a bit too late in my eyes. You have to support me from the beginning. My mother always support me and was positive and said that I had a chance to win. I just can’t deal with negative and toxic people.

This weekend I cried so much and I felt so bad 😒. I was also beginning to think like really negative thoughts as that I just want to die and that I’m a failure. I was throwing pillows and was so angry alone in my room. I wanted to hurt myself and escape the pain. I never did self harm and I also won’t do it. I was feeling that I’m not in control with my body and mind. This situation makes me so anxious. I was at a point that I almost got a panic attack as I was breathing fast, crying and my heart was beating also too fast. I’m fed up of feeling this way and living at home. I’m afraid of living on my own and need to work to have money to be able to effort that one day. I just want to do what feels good for me.

I love my family, I really do but making all these dicisions for me isn’t helping me at all. My mother also said it’s for your best. Well, maybe what you think is for my best isn’t for me the best. I’m my own person. I’m not the person you want me to be. Parents sometimes think they can make the perfect daughter or son. I’m so against that. Just let your child be the person they want to be, free of judgment and just be themselves. I’ve always felt supported in life but also in someway not because I’ve always felt afraid of my father character to be angry at me for doing the wrong things or saying the wrong things. I always keep quiet and say yes to everything. I only saw my best friend last Sunday and some of my family and friends from my brother on the wedding party last Saturday in Haarlem. I also saw some people of my choir on the cremation of Lisa last Wednesday. For the rest, I’m only with my parents and it isn’t helping me at all. I need to be with people of my age who understand me and know what I’m going through just like you all.

You know me even better than people who know me in my real life. You know my ugly parts which I don’t show in real life. You know when I struggle and when I feel happy. You know when I feel vulnerable and need to share my thoughts and feelings to feel lighter in my mind. You know how anxiety makes me feel. You know how hard life can be living with a mental illness. You know my flaws and accept me for who I’m. I appreciate that so much. It’s really so special to find such good and understanding people nowadays. Many people live for their own. They seem to not care about others. I’m so happy I found my mental health community and my blogging community who will always be there for me. It really helps me a lot and makes me feel less alone in my struggles. I just wish to meet you all one day 🌍✈.

Tomorrow my father will make me apply for that job even though I don’t know if I want to do that. The money and job description isn’t that bad but on paper I read you have to work there one year. Maybe, you can quit earlier I don’t know. I don’t want to work here in Holland. I want to go to Spain. I also don’t want to apply just because someone force me to apply. It increase my anxiety and I feel again not good. I just don’t know what to do… I feel hopeless that I’m always struggling with this job vs family issue. Maybe, I’m going to see one of my good friends this week which I can always tell about everything and makes me feel less alone with this issue. There are more people struggling with this. It feels good to share your struggles with good friends and also talk about solutions.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope I didn’t sound like I wanted to complain and kept repeating myself. I just feel like this issue keeps repeating itselves and it doesn’t make me feel good. What would you do in my situation? Can you relate to not being able to live your life because other people want to control your life? I hope some of you may have some tips in dealing with this as it will help me a lot. Thank you all so much in advance πŸ™πŸ’•

Much love ❀,

xoxo Christina

Life is fragile

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I always am like I will write now this blog post and then suddenly my head is full of other ideas or something happens and I want to write about a different subject. I think it’s important to always blog about what you are feeling and thinking in that moment. This is a blog post which I just need to share because I feel this way in this moment. This blog post will be about that life is fragile, the loss of Lisa, a girl I know from my choir and how we often take for granted life and our health. I hope this post will not sound that sad but it’s just what I’m thinking and experiencing right now.

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I came back from Spain last Wednesday night. On Thursday when I woke up I was just checking my phone what I always do. I checked Facebook and read the bad news of Lisa. I read that she had died and I was like no way this can’t be true. Unfortunately, this sad news was true. I woke up cyring. Me and my parents couldn’t believe it. We were all shocked. Lisa got leucemia 8 years ago and almost died during that time. She also had to go to intensive care and went through many chemo therapies. The worst what happened after she was 8 years free of cancer was that this year she got leucemia back. The same form of cancer. This news was unbelievable hard. She has a blog too where she shared all her stories of her life with leucemia. I always read all those blog posts.

8 years ago I remember that I was always asking her sister when I saw her listening to the choir how Lisa was doing. It was the time my father also was in the hospital. This year she had to go again through chemotherapy. LastΒ week she was going through her second chemotherapy. In the future she would have gone through a stam cell therapy too. It was all too much for her body. On Wednesday she was doing really bad and had to go to the intensive care. She died beacuse of liver problems because of the leucemia. She was just 29 years old.Β She also sang in my choir. I don’t think I was in the choir the same time as she because she was older than me but I saw her during concerts and other times we had to sing with the choir. It’s really so unbelievable sad and heartbreaking that she passed away so young. She was just married one year ago in May in the cathedral where we always sang in Haarlem.

What I admire of her is how positive she always remained on her blog. Lisa also wrote a book about her sickness which is called β€œGebroken bloed”. You can buy it on Bol. Her blog is Lisa Hilders if anyone wants to read it but it’s in Dutch. Even though she went through so much she was such a fighter. In one of her last blogs she wrote about how our health is the most important thing in life. If we aren’t healthy we have nothing. I have a hard time dealing with anxiety in my life but I’m happy that I can walk, hear and see. So many people have illnesses and can’t do the things we can. Cancer is a horrible illness. Anxiety is a horrible illness but I can’t die from it. Even though sometimes I feel like dying when I have a panick attack or feel high anxious.

This just reminds me that life is a gift and that we can’t take it for granted. Life is fragile. Sometimes I get caught up in all the negativity and sadness of the world and make myself anxious for nothing. It isn’t worth to feel all of that. The loss of Lisa reminds me again how fragile life is. One second you live, and one second you are dying. We never know what tomorrow will brings us. We have to live for today even thought it’s sometimes difficult to stay present. I also find being grateful really important. In the blog of Lisa I could read how she felt grateful to be at her home during the chemo therapies and how she enjoyed that time to the fullest. We always take things in life for granted and began to think of the things when we don’t have it like our health. Writing this also makes me angry and sad because sometimes life can be so unfair. Why Lisa?! She was fighting to the end and I really was hoping that she would get out of this again. Cancer is just a horrible illness and still so many people die from it every day. I’m glad I donated money in the past for this organization to research more about cancer in that way to safe lives.

The female conductor of my choir wrote a message on the Facebook group of my choir where I’m still updated of news. She posted a post that Lisa passed away and if we wanted to sing two choir songs: Cantique de Jean Racine from Gabriel FaurΓ© and an Irish Blessing. This would be at the cremation of Lisa this Wednesday. I first thought of singing but then I thought that maybe I would be too emotional if I sing so I send the conductor a message. She said that of course I’m welcome and that it’s important for the choir members to focus on this special role. They want to do this for the family of Lisa. I know it will be beautiful. She also said that it’s good that I said that maybe it’s too much for me because there will be many emotions during this cremation. I never went to a cremation before and I’m a bit anxious. I always escaping life and also everything about death. I guess it’s now time to go for the first time and experience this. My mother is also going with me. She worked at my primary school and know my choir members. I’m looking forward to see many of my choir members again because it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them.

This sad news just reminded me that we all can get sick and that we have to live each day as it’s our last. Nothing last forever. We all are going to die. Some earlier than others. I find it important to say I love you to my family and good friends often because you never know when will be the last time you will see a loved one. I don’t want to sound depressing but this is just real life. I’m already sad because of the loss of Lisa and think I would have a very difficult time if a family member or good friend would die. I still need to accept that death is part of life. I have thanatophobia which is a fear of death. I will write a blog post about this subject soon.

It’s good that I’m going this Wednesday with my mother and not alone. If I really get anxious I can always take some anti anxiety medication with me to be sure I’m okay. I do this for Lisa. You are not suffering anymore. I hope you didn’t suffer when you were dying. I wish your family, your hushband, friends and people who know Lisa my deepest condolences. I’m here for you all. I will light up a candle and pray for you πŸ™β€. May she rest in peace. She will always be reminded as a beautiful women, a beautiful soul that left this world way too young. She will always be in our hearts.

My heart also goes for everybody who is fighting any form of cancer. You are all fighters and warriors. I wish you all a good revocery. I hope you will all beat this horrible illness. I’m here for you all. We’re all in this together. I think of you all. There’s a light in all this darkness. I hope that many organizations and doctors are going to research more and more and there will be better and more solutions for people suffering from cancer. Healthcare is improving and I’m sure that one day there will be even more and better treatments available. I wish that everyone can have a good treatment and get the help they need and deserve. Everyone deserve to be healthy.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also think life is fragile? Do you also have a family member who has or had cancer? Do you also think we take our health for granted? I wish you lots of strength and love πŸ™πŸ’•. I’m always here for you if anyone of you need to talk.

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Much love ❀,

xoxo Christina

Sometimes all you need is a trip to the ocean πŸŒŠπŸŒžπŸ„

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I’m really feeling like I’m in stuck lately. I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and I’m not. It feels like I’m not living at all but just surviving with these feelings and thoughts. I just have to take it day by day. My anxiety is getting bad again as you may you have read in my last blog posts. In this blog post I will tell you why I spontaneous planned a trip to the beach with my mum and why it will help my mental health so much.

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I edited this collage with beautiful beach quotes I found ✌

Last week, I enjoyed the fiestas of Valladolid which was 10 days long. I enjoyed the delicious tapas, I went to amazing concerts and I had fun with my mother and friends. Last Friday, I was waiting for an artist to get a picture with them and you never know who I saw also waiting for the artist: the dentist. The one I’ve to go and the one who did the dental implant of my mother. Hhahah it was so funny and also kinda awkward πŸ˜‚. I was all the time talking about how I’ve to go to the dentist and that I’m anxious about it. My mother said maybe that’s him. Then he turned around and he said “hola” to my mother and to me “oh so you are the one who is afraid.” I said yes haha feeling shy. He was with a girl and I saw them kissing a lot lol it was such a pretty random meeting. He was also smoking which I think is pretty strange if you are a dentist, right?! I think smoking isn’t that good for your tooth but hey, that’s my opinion. We talked a bit about the artists and he said he enjoyed the concert and then they walked away. He seemed pretty handsome πŸ˜†. He’s like 40 years I guess.

Last Wednesday, I entered the dentist clinic and I really had to force myself to make an appointment. I didn’t see the dentist. I went with my mother and we only talked to a woman in the reception. She seemed nice and they even had a video with ambiance music with nature sounds. Hahah, seems perfect for anxious people like me πŸ˜‚. She said we had to make an appointment because everything was full that day. I said I didn’t have any pain only that my wisdom teeth aren’t okay. I’ve an appointment for next Wednesday at 7.00 in the afternoon. I hope I’ll not again postpone it and don’t go. I know I’ve to go and that’s is the best for my health. It’s only to make a picture of my tooth and talk with the dentist. You all know I’ve airplane tickets to go back to The Netherlands on the 26 of September. So, I don’t know if I need to get a treatment for my wisdom teeth before and if there’s enough time for it. I prefer to do it here because if he really is nice and caring, it would be much better for me. It’s also cheaper in Spain. I’ve been thinking to send the dentist clinic a message on Facebook about my anxiety but maybe that would be strange.

So, Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep again and was thinking that I really need to get away to feel better. I had to something to feel less anxiety and be happy again. I knew exactly what it was. I wanted to go to a Surf Camp in Somo, Santander which is in the north of Spain for so long. I also wanted to surprise my mother because her birthday is on the 22th of September. My father’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I sent him via a website a pie with some designed pictures so I also wanted to do something special for my mother. I was looking for hotels and found a cheap hotel in Somo, a paradise for surfers. This hotel has also a delicious Italian restaurant. Pizza and a beach hotel is just the perfect combination πŸ•πŸŒŠ. I’m already hungry for the pizza I’m going to eat 😍. The hotel is just 150 meters from the beach. I booked spontaneous a hotel for two nights which costed €110 which is pretty cheap. We are going this Sunday until Tuesday. The reviews of this hotel were so good too. I’m not going to a Surf Camp because the last one was this weekend. Instead, I’m going to take surf classes for €30 πŸ„πŸŒŠπŸŒž. I didn’t surf since two years so I’m really looking forward to it. Maybe, I will take one or two. My mother is really happy with this present. I’m so excited to go away for a few days. We still have to pack. My mother already bought the train tickets. It was like €78 for both and with some discount cards. 

Sometimes you just have to do what your mind tells you to do as in ways of doing spontaneous things such as travelling. Travelling always make me so happy even though flying makes me anxious. I prefer to travel by bus or train. I know flying is safe but I still feel anxious on airplanes and especially when there are turbulences. I just need to go to a beautiful place to clear my mind and be at peace. The best place to go for me is the beach. Feeling the wind in my hair, tasting the salt sea, hearing the waves, watching the waves crashing into the rocks, smelling the salt air all creates me a sense of peace. The sea gives me so much happiness. It always makes me so happy. I feel more calm and my anxiety become less. When I’m at the beach I feel one with the world and I can’t think of any problems. It all disappear just at that moment. Whenever I take the first step on the sand I already feel that the world is a happy place and that I belong here. In another blog post, I will write more about my relationship with the sea. I’ve always loved the sea. In The Netherlands, I lived just 15 min by car or one hour by bike from the sea. Here in Spain, the nearest place for me is Santander. It takes 3 hours by train or 4 and a half hours by bus. The beach of Somo is 30 minutes away by bus or 15 min by boat from Santander. 

Somo is a beautiful beach to enjoy for especially surfers. I’ve always wanted to go there and now I’m finally going and I feel like I’m in heaven when I look at this two videos. The beach is so beautiful. It’s a paradise for beach lovers as me. You can swim in the ocean and take beautiful walks. I love to walk on the beach. I love to swim in the ocean. I love to surf. I love to read on the beach. I love to take pictures on the beach. You can do so many amazinf activities on the beach. The list is endless. This beach is more than 2000 km long and it’s a beach of sand which I love. I don’t like beaches with rocks or stones that much. It hurts me. I love to feel the soft sand in my toes. I’m always covered with sands haha whereas so many other people hate it. The sand is my friend hahaha πŸ˜‚. I love it all. Beautiful nature πŸ˜πŸ’•πŸŒŠπŸŒž.  

Just look at these two videos I found on Youtube and you will know what I mean.

The sea cures everything. The salty water is so good for your health. I’ve also felt afraid in the ocean and respect it much because it seems like a infinite place. I can swim very well but I’m afraid to drown. I never go too deep into the ocean just to be safe. I remember a time I went to a Surf Camp in Galicia in the north of Spain too and was afraid of the high waves there. There was also bad weather so it didn’t make it better. I was looking at the weather and it will be between 22 and 28 degrees the days we’re going so that’s perfect πŸ‘Œ. The water is always much colder than the south of Spain. It also rains a lot in this region (Cantabria) so I always check the weather before I go. I just love to be in the sea, swim and surf. I never catched a real wave so hopefully one day I will. I can stand on the surfboard. I’m just still learning and just having fun which is the most important. I didn’t do it for two years so I’m still a beginner. I have to look if I still fit in my wetsuit. The sea is my medicine. Everything about the sea makes me feel so calm. Nature definitely is so beautiful and we have to go there more and enjoy it more. Whenever I’m surfing, swimming or just walking at the beach I forget everything. I feel at peace at the moment. Just being present makes such a difference in my anxious mind. Not thinking about the past or not thinking about the future is just the best. I have to admit that I really have to focus more on the now even though it’s difficult. It makes such a different in your mindset.

I can’t wait to go on Sunday. I’m counting the hours to meet the real love of my life again, the ocean. My last time at the beach was at the end of July when I went to Granada. I already miss it so much. Here’s a little poem I wrote about the love I have for the ocean. I hope you like it. I want to share more poems which I wrote.

The love of the ocean 🌊

The ocean who is always there for me, in good and bad times.

The ocean who knows all my secrets.

The ocean who knows my fears.

The ocean who never let me down.

The ocean who calms my anxiety.

The ocean who cures everything.

The ocean who makes my heart so happy. 

The ocean is my home.

The ocean is where I belong.

I will never stop loving the ocean.

Sometimes all you need is vitamin sea. Just do the things which calm your soul and which makes you happy you are alive. We really have to do more things we love. At the end, we will only remember the trips we made, the people who love, the things as books, music and movies we listened and watched and which will hold deep memories. Do more of what makes you happy and free. We’ll always be young, wild, happy and free πŸ˜„βœŒπŸ’•.

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A beautiful picture and quote I edited. I took this picture some years ago at the beach Zandvoort in The Netherlands. I hope you like it πŸ˜„

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it inspired you to go on more spontaneous trips and do things which really make you happy in life. Do you also have dentist anxiety and do you have some tips to be calm? Do you also love to go on spontaneous trips? Do you love the sea as much as I do? Did you like my pictures and poem? I would love to know your thoughts and opinion πŸ˜„. I speak to you all soon in my next blog post which problably will be about this trip and maybe a photo diary.

Much love ❀,

xoxo Christina

10 self care tips πŸ’žπŸŒ 

Hey lovely bloggers 😍,

It’s been a long time since I wrote something related to self love/self care/mental health on my blog so I thought it’s about time now. Self care is so important in today’s world where everybody is always in rush and never take time to just be in the moment and to just take care about themselves. In this blog post I will share my 10 self care tips for you all. Of course, they are personal based on what I find useful. I hope you can find them useful too and can apply them in your life. These 10 tips are not in any rank ordered. They are all equally important. Some may will be pretty obvious but sometimes we forget about those little tips which would make us feel well. Feel free to comment your awesome self care tips aswell.

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1. Sleep enough hours at night

I think this is really an important one. I hate mornings so much and I can’t seem to enjoy them. It’s even more difficult for me when I didn’t had enough hours of sleep. I would feel miserable, my concentration decrease and my anxiety would increase because of the lack of sleep. Sleeping is so important for our well-being and just in general for our physical and mental health. If you slept enough hours and slept well, you will feel happy and full of energy the morning you wake up. Some people may think that if they catch up on sleep another day it will be all okay again. Catching up on sleep isn’t good enough. Adults have to sleep at least 8 hours at night and of course it depends on the person. I usually need 8 hours or even 9 to feel good.

2. Eat healthy

Eating the right food is really important for our health. I like to eat pizza a lot or other fastfood such as Mc Donalds or Burger King but sometimes when I ate that I feel bad afterwards. Fastfood isn’t good for our health and we sometimes crave it when we feel stressed or sad. If you eat once in a while it will not do any harm. With eating healthy I mean to eat many vegetables which are really so important for us. Fish and meat is good for our health too if you eat the right portions. I also read once that nuts are really good for our mental health. Of course, let’s not forget about fruits which are full of vitamins and so good for our health. Your body & soul will thank you after you have eaten healthy food.

3. Take a shower/bath

Sometimes I don’t feel like to take a shower in winter because of the cold. Of course, I do it but it will cost me more energy and effort haha. When I turn the van on I will feel warmer inside my bathroom. Taking a shower or taking a bath is so good for ourselves. It’s the perfect way to take care of ourselves. In The Netherlands I have a bath and I used to use some Lush products such as some bath bombs. I love it so much. Here in Spain, I have a shower without a bath but I also enjoy it. Whenever I’m in the shower I hear the water, I feel the warm water on my skin and just feel in the moment so peaceful. It’s just such a great form of relaxation. After taken the shower, I feel completely rested and fresh & fruity.

4. Hang out with your tribe

For me, this point is also a really important one. Hang out with your family or with your friends who understand you and respect you. It’s so important to find the right people. The right people will always be there for you, in the good and in the bad. I find it really helpful to have friends who also share the shame passions with me such as surfing, travelling and singing. I have had a lot of fake friends who bullied me in my life and totally didn’t respect me. I’m glad they aren’t in my life anymore. I encourage all of you to find people who will help you to grow as a person and live beautiful moments with them. You deserve people who will love for you who you are.

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5. Spend time in nature

When I have bad days, I feel like not going out and I just want to stay at home. I know this will not increase my mood and I will not be happy of it. Sometimes, the best thing to do on such days is to go outside and spend time in nature. I live near to a park and sometimes I take a walk and just spent time observing the beautiful nature while sitting on a bench alone or with my mother or with a friend. Spending time in nature will help you to feel good about yourself. It definitely increase our mood. It’s just so important to be in the moment and enjoy the beautiful nature which this beautiful earth has to offer us.

6. Read a book

I really want to read more books. I love reading and I’m sad I don’t do it as often as I want. Reading a book is really good for us. Whenever, I read a good book I forget the whole world arround me and I just am in the moment reading that book. It feels like I’m in another world. We also learn a lot about life while reading. I love reading novels but I also love to read some mental health/self love/self care books which useful tips to apply in my life. I will soon write a book review about some of them.

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7. Exercise

I don’t mean exercise in a way that you go jogging till you are totally out of energy. I know there are many people who exercise and feel worse after it. People suffering from anorexia for example exercise because they want to be skinny and be happier about themselves. The sad thing is that they are never going to achieve that goal. I think exercise is really good when you do it because it makes you happy. You can go for a walk or do yoga or go swimming. Yoga is really good for your physical and mental health aswell as swimming. I really like those sports because it increase my mood. It’s also really good for when I have back pain and shoulder pain. I also like to surf. All these forms of exercise make me feel good about ourselves and that’s the most important thing. I don’t do it to loose weight or anything but just to feel happy and increase my health.

8. Write

Writing is such an important form of healing. It definitely helps you to grow and inspire you. You can write in your journal or diary. I used to have a diary but now I prefer to have a journal and write poems or other things. I also to have a scrapbook and have all my memories of travels and moments with family & friends there. Writing can do so much good. I also love that I began this blog in August. After I wrote all my feelings and emotions down I feel really released and can let all the things which are bothering me go. Just write anything you want. Writing can be very therapeutic. It doesn’t matter if it’s all a mess which you are writing. That mess of writing can be very beautiful because all your thoughts and feelings are valid. Let it all out and let it all go.

9. Listen to music

Music is the best thing in life. Life without music would be a hell. Music will always be there for you, in good and bad times. I have found so many songs when I didn’t had the words to explain what I was feeling. Music always has the rights words when you need them the most. Listening to uplifting music can increase your mood so much. Music make us so happy. That’s why I love going to concerts so much too. Just being in the moment and listening to your favourite band/singer makes me so happy. It’s that feeling of being one with the world. Only good vibes! πŸ’žΒ On some days I prefer sad music that fits my mood, on other days I prefer music to dance and just be happy and on some days I love to sing karaoke. Singing is one of my biggest passions. Soon I will share some songs which I recorded. I sang in a choir for 11 years in The Netherlands. I told that once in other blog posts.

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10. Try to think positive thoughts

It’s difficult to think positive thoughts when you feel sad or bad about yourself. I’m a bit better in thinking positive thoughts than I was years before. Whenever, I have a bad thought I would think that that thought is true and most of the time it isn’t true. For example, if I think that I’m not worth it I will think that that thought is true. It isn’t true because I have so many good qualities and I’m capable of achieving all my dreams. Those are just negative thoughts but they have such a bad influence on our self esteem. Try to think positive thoughts and your perspective on life will change. Life will be sunnier when you think positive thoughts and try not to think the worst in many situations. I admit that I’m really good in thinking the worst all the time and that at the end it wasn’t worth to think those thoughts because my worst case scenario didn’t came true. Be happy and the rest will follow πŸ˜„πŸ’™

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I hope you all liked this list of mine 10 self care tips and can apply them in your life. Let me know of some other suggestions which you do to apply self care in your life. Let’s take time to take care of ourselves and love each other much ❀

Much love,

xoxo Christina

I’m not good enough πŸ’­

Hey sweeties 😍,

Today I wanna talk about something which has been stuck in my head for so long. Today I wanna talk about the thought: I’m not good enough. I have to confess that I have had this thought my whole life. I always have had the fear of not being good enough. I have wasted a lot of time in thinking that I’m not good enough. I think it’s also because I have been bullied that I feel this way. If you haven’t read this story yet, you can read that story here: My story of being bullied

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I think many of us have this thought in the back of our minds. That fear of not being succesful enough, not smart enough, not beautiful enough…. I think that society also creates this thought. Especially women always have to be thin and look a certain way to be good enough. I see that on social media accounts, magazines and on television. I just see that everywhere. I think this is also the reason why many women start a strong diet, fitness to loose weight and develop eating disorders…. They will never feel good enough because they are not doing fitness to feel good about themselves. They are doing fitness to look a certain way to feel good. They will never obtain that goal, it’s just an illusion. Even if they loose some weight, it just will never be good enough. They continue and that is really dangerous for their health. I like to swim, do yoga or other sports and afterwards I feel good about myself. I don’t do it to loose weight or look a certain way. That’s the big difference. Of course, this can also happen with boys but there are still many more women who suffer from this problem.

We have to look a certain way to feel good about ourselves. It’s just bullshit. I know sometimes I look to other girls and compare myself way too often. I would for example see a girl who looked perfect in my eyes and instantly think like why can’t I be as beautiful as her, wear awesome fashion as her…. I’m not very good in matching oufits and I’m always kinda jealous about girls who dress so perfectly well. Why can’t I be like her? Sometimes I meet people and they tell me about their career and perfect life. Then I always feel like a failure. Thoughts as why can’t I do awesome things in life and am I really a failure come up. I have to know that life isn’t perfect and that everything we see on social media ain’t not true. We all have our ups and downs in life even though you only see the highlights on social media.

Why do I always feel like I’m not good enough? I learned about self love and self-care these years but I still have to work a lot to feel like I’m good enough and worth it. I don’t have to be another person or look a certain way to be good enough. I just have to be myself, wear what I want and love myself the way I’m.

I also had this thought a lot when it comes to boys. When I had a boyfriend from 17 till 19 years old, I felt like I was worthy of love and felt good enough. This was a kinda stupid thought because I’m already beautiful and not just because I have a boyfriend. I always thought somebody had to love me to feel good enough about myself. When he broke up with me, I felt really lost because I never learned to love myself. Everything happens for a reason. The break up learned me to love myself for who I’m, to respect myself, to set boundaries and to know that I’m good enough. I also learned that I first have to love myself before I can love someone else. I really love the quote β€œWe accept the love, we think we deserve” from the Perks of being a wallflower – Stephen Chbosky. I love Emma Watson and Logan Lerman so much. I encourage anyone to read the book and see this beautiful movie. After he broke up with me, I felt really insecure and had a low self esteem. I attracted the wrong boys because I thought that that was the love I deserve. Now, I learned that I deserve someone who would really respect me and my boundaries, love me for the way I’m and just have a safe and loving relationship.

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I know there are still so many of us struggling with body image. I find that so incredible sad. We are born out of love and have to embrace our bodies. Our body is our temple and is beautiful just the way it’s. Society creates this image that we have to look a certain way to be beautiful. I hope you all are trying to learn to embrace your body and love yourself. You are loved, you are worth it, your body is beautiful and so are you ❀ I know I still have to learn a lot about this subject but every step forward is a big accomplishment. I have to try to stop comparing myself to others and know that I can be myself and be beautiful.

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I hope this blog post will help all the people who are struggling right now with their body image and with the thought of not being good enough. Remember, that you are not your thoughts. You are beautiful just the way you are. I advice you to practice self love every day and be surrounded by good people. For example, when you wake up and look at the mirrow you can look at yourself and tell yourself you are beautiful. Maybe, this will have a positive effect on yourself. Start doing little things which will replace this negative thoughts about yourself into good thoughts about yourself πŸ’• I know it’s hard but we are all in this together πŸ’ͺ❀ You can all achieve amazing things in life!

To end this blog post, I will share this beautiful song from Selena Gomez & The Scene. I love the lyrics so much because it’s exactly about what I have just written about. Her song is about being your own beautiful selves ❀❀❀You don’t have to be like anyone else. You don’t have to be a beauty queen but just your own beautiful self. Selena Gomez is such a role model for self love πŸ’• I love her and her beautiful songs so much. I’m going to make a blog post about self love songs soon because there are so many beautiful songs out there.

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I love you all so much πŸ’•

Much love ❀,

xoxo Christina

Crying is not a sign of weaknessΒ 

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’ž,

Today I wanna talk about a subject which I can relate to in so many ways. Today I wanna talk about crying and why crying is not a sign of weakness but a beautiful strength. I really do think crying is such a beautiful emotion. We are born with this emotion. The moment we are born, we cry. It’s a sign of being alive and letting everything out. 

I’m a highly sensitive person. Highly sensitive persons have nervous systems that are more sensitive than others and they process things more deeply. In other words, they feel more and love more. About 20% of the population has this personality trait. I just feel every emotion way more intense than people who aren’t highly sensitive. I love more but I also suffer way more intensly. This can feel sometimes so overwhelming. That’s why crying helps me to release emotions so much. It’s a way of letting all the things which I have been holding on to for so long out of my body. Just let it all go.


However, people can be so mean and judge people when they are crying all the time. I know, I cry so much all the time but I can’t help it. It’s the just the way I’m made. During high school when I got bullied, people used to call me cry baby and being childish. This really hurt me because I can’t change it. Now, I don’t care anymore if people would say that to me because I’m always being my authentic self and crying is part of me. If you don’t like that I’m crying and judge me for being senstive, then I guess we aren’t gonna be friends.

I also dislike people who say girls can only cry and if boys cry it’s weird and blahblahblah. Boys can cry too. Boys are human beings and have emotions too, remember?! They don’t have to feel ashamed when they are crying. They don’t have to be the strong man who never cries. That’s bullshit. Be a real man and cry because you deserve to let it all out. Your feelings are valid and real. You deserve to be treated with respect.

I also can’t stand people who just assume that someone who is crying is just overreacting and is seeking for attention. Hell yeah, I’m crying because someone has died or because I got a bad mark for an exam and you think I’m seeking attention?! Just fuck off man. Well, maybe the one who is crying is holding everything to theirselves and just want someone who cares about them and won’t judge them for once.


Crying isn’t a sign of weakness. Crying is a sign of strength because you have been holding all your feelings to yourself instead of letting them out. Crying release all the pain, struggles and tense you have been feeling for so long. I think crying is one of the best emotions ever. You cry and suddenly you feel so much lighter. It’s just an amazing feeling. Sometimes a good cry can help you to feel better again and have a more clearer view in life.


I also think crying of happiness is such a weird and beautiful thing. I had times in my life where I was so happy that I had to cry like at the wedding of my brother Edward. It was just such an amazing and beautiful moment that I was feeling so emotional and so happy that I had to cry. Do you also had a moment in your life where you cried of happiness? I would love to know it in my comment section.

When I felt really bad anxiety I cried and sometimes it really helped me to feel better again. I had times in life where I woke up crying and went to bed crying and spend the whole day crying. Those were really bad times where crying didn’t help me but made me feel even more miserable. That was because of high anxiety which made me feel so bad and depressed. Fortunately, thanks to taking my antidepressants I don’t have that anymore. I cry less and when I cry it helps me release my emotions and not making me feel worse. I feel better when I have had a good cry because aaaarghhh it just feel so good to let all your emotions out of your body with crying. Tears taste as salt like the sea. They say that salt helps you to release pain and it’s just so true. 


So, if you need to cry, have a good cry ❀ You are not being weak. You are so strong for holding everything to yourself. Break the walls and cry. Let it all go. You deserve to feel lighter and happy again. You don’t have to hold everything to yourself. You are going to be okay again. Every tear which is falling right now will make you a stronger and better person. You don’t have to be okay and strong all the time. Let it all go and find peace in your heart. The universe has your back πŸ’«β­

And remember, we are all in this together πŸ’ž

I love you all πŸ’œπŸ’œ

xoxo Christina