I see humans but no humanity πŸ’”πŸ˜’

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I wanted to write a more happier post but I always want to be honest on my blog so I won’t do that. I’m always vulnerable and real on my blog. I always write straight from my heart. Writing straight from my heart also gives me the most inspiration. I don’t like to plan blog posts. It has to flow like life too. These days I don’t feel okay so I will write about my feelings and thoughts. I hope you are all okay and safe. I’m here for you too. This blog post will be about my health, how I feel and about humanity. It feels good to write it all down and have a more sense of peace in my mind.

I was very happy the first days I arrived in Spain. I have been eating delicious tapas, ice creams 🍦🍨🍧, milkshakes, enjoyed the sunshine 🌞 and went swimming a lot πŸŠβ€β™€οΈ. The last days I have felt low and kinda depressed. I also had my period so I’m always more sensitive to everything during that time of the month. Besides, I’m really tired and my throat hurts a lot when I swallow, drink or eat something. It feels like it’s swollen too. If anyone knows me well, you know how anxious I’m about dentists or doctors so I will wait a few more days. The bad thing is that nowadays many people think easily oh no it’s Corona when you can have something else. I don’t have fever or anything. I just hope that it will go away soon. I really want to feel better again.

I also am beginning to feel anxious again to have to go to the dentist in two weeks. I still have to get rid of three wisdom teeth but it’s really draining me. I’m so done with it. It makes me so anxious 😒🦷. The dentist and his team are very lovely but it’s still no fun. Again feeling numb, then not eating a few days and taking meds for pain. It was worse than I imagined but still not fun. The anxiety I feel is always worse than the thing itself. Anxiety is a monster and I would love to be able to tame it one day. I will use valium to calm myself down. I’m so grateful for my mother who is always there for me to hold my hand and be at my side. I couldn’t do anything scary without her help. I really would be so lost. I love her so much. She is the kindest and most loveliest person ever.

I’m a highly sensitive person which means that I feel every emotion more. I feel others suffering more and also love more. It’s a gift but can also be a curse sometimes. I feel others pain deeply. Some of my friends are dealing with emotional stuff. I feel them. I feel people suffering from the pandemic. It hurts me so much to see so much pain in the world. I have been feeling very emotional and sad too these days. I can’t deal with people doing bad things to good people. It breaks my heart πŸ’”. Why is there so much hate in this world? Why can’t people just be nice and kind to each other or is that too much to ask for? I really would love to have some answers on that but I don’t have. I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. It’s so unfair.

I have felt this way too because of the harrasment which yoga_girl is receiving just because she said that’s better not to travel now to Aruba from a country with a high risk of the virus. Aruba suffers from an economic crisis because it depends on tourism. I can understand that but the health and safety of the citizens are more important. I think that’s obvious. I just can’t understand how people find it okay to treathening other people lives. It’s so scary. Rachel and her family have received hate and what’s worse than that is threats. They even stalked their house. I’m happy they are safe now. It would be a shame if they have to move because of some locals being aggressive to them. I’m so happy to be part of the yoga community and will forever be βœ¨πŸ™πŸ’–. We are all here for you guys. Rachel, you are such a light in this world and have healed so many hearts including mine. I’m still healing though. I can’t thank you enough. Be safe. I love you so much.

I have also noticed that I feel more like myself these days. The more I feel, the more I feel like myself because this is who I’m. I get anxious, I get depressed, I feel low but I also can be happy and feel gratitude in my heart. I feel it all. Even though sometimes I find it really hard to live in this world because there are so many scary things and bad people out there too. I’m grateful for the good people I have in my life. I’m so happy to have this beautiful blogging community too who’s always there for me too. I can’t wait to meet you all one day and thank you. You are always there for me when I’m sad and celebrate my happy days. We will always stick together forever.

I wish there would be more people like you all in this world πŸ’žπŸ™. Sometimes I definitely feel like there are so many bad people and things out there. I get scared and anxious and feel such a heavy feeling on my shoulders. I wish for peace, respect and compassion and being one with the world. What the world needs right now is union and not more separation 🌍. There’s already too much of that and it didn’t bring anything good.

May we all find the light and love in our own hearts and spread it to the world ✨. This world needs healing, so much love, compassion and kindness. It will never be enough. What this world needs right now is a group hug which would be now in distance with the pandemic but you all understand what I mean. More love, less hate. More compassion, less cold-hearted people.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you can understand and respect my feelings. How are you feeling lately? Are you also anxious of going to the doctor or dentist? What do you think of humanity? Do you also find it unfair that bad things happen to good people? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post. Be safe you all and remember we are never alone in our struggles. Like I always say, we are always in this together πŸ’ͺπŸ’–.

I love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

The 50 bookish questions book tag πŸ“šπŸ’žπŸ’«βœ¨πŸ“–

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

This is going to be a different blog post then what I normally do as I have never done this before. I searched for a book tag on here and I came across some nice questions about books. I found the 50 bookish questions on this blog post. I really like reading and want to read more. I keep buying books but I’m a slow reader so it doesn’t work that well I guess haha. I hope you will like this tag. I’m sure there are more book lovers out there πŸ˜πŸ“–. I already know some of my lovely blogging friends who love to read too. This is for all of you. I hope you will like it.

1.) What was the last book you read?

To love and let go: A memoir of love, loss and gratitude by Rachel Brathen (Yoga Girl).

2). Was it a good one?

YEAHHH OMG IT WAS AMAZING. ONE OF MY FAV BOOKS EVER 😍😭. I cried so much.

3.) What made it good?

I don’t want to say a lot about it because I want to dedicate one blog post reviewing this book because it was so beautiful. It needs it’s own post. It was such a beautiful book because it was so raw, vulnerable and emotional. It was the real life story of Rachel about love, loss and gratitude. I love that in the hardships of life she finds gratitude. She just wrote this book from her heart. I wish to meet her one day and go on a retreat. I’m really amazed how good she can write about her experiences in life.

4.) Would you recommend it to other people?

Yes of course! This book will heal your heart whether you are going through grief or any other struggle in life.

5.) How often do you read?

A few days in a week. I just read sometimes. If I would have a busier life I would maybe have less time to read but I would still read.

6.) Do you like to read?

Yeahhh!

7.) What was the last bad book you read?

I think that must be The big sleep by Raymond Chandler.

8.) What made you dislike it?

I read this book years ago during high school. It was boring and I don’t like those detective stories. I also had to read it for school and when I have to do something I often don’t like it that much πŸ˜‚.

9.) Do you wish to be a writer?

YEAH OMGGG MY DREAM πŸ˜πŸ’–. I already consider my a writer because I own this blog but I would love to write books especially some poetry books. I hope to make this dream come true one day. If anyone has tips for publishing your own books and how things work I would love to know that.

10.) Has any book ever influenced you greatly?

Yes of course. You learn so much from books. The books which had the most influence on me are The Fault in Our Stars by John Green and To love and let go by Rachel Brathen. These are two beautiful books which tell a honest and beautiful story.

11.) Do you read fan-fiction?

No, I’ve never read fan-fiction.

12.) Do you write fan-fiction?

Nope and to be honest I also don’t think I’m that interested in this.

13.) What is your favourite book?

I have some favourite books which are Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon, The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, To love and let go by Rachel Brathen and The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. These are my three favourite books ever πŸ’žπŸ™.

14.) What is your least favourite book?

I don’t know. Maybe one I had to read during high school which is called The big sleep. I just didn’t like that story.

15.) Do you prefer physical books or ready on a device (like Kindle)?

Physical books always. I don’t have a tablet and to be honest it’s so much better to have a book in your hands. I love to feel the paper and smell it haha πŸ˜‚πŸ“–.

16.) When did you learn to read?

I think when I began to go to school so when I was 4/5 years old.

17.) What is your favourite book you had to read in school?

I had to read The Kite Runner during high school. I loved it. This story was so touching, heartbreaking and everything.

18.) What is your favourite book series?

The Spinster Club Series by Holly Bourne. I still need to read some of her books from this serie. I’ve read Am I normal yet? and I loved it!!! In that book she writes about a girl who has OCD and suffers from anxiety too. It’s a book about friendship, love, mental health and feminism. It’s so good.

19.) Who is your favourite author?

I have so many favourite authors but my all time favourite are John Green, Rachel Brathen and Holly Bourne.

20.) What is your favourite genre?

Young Adult always πŸ’–.

21.) Who is your favourite character in a book series?

I really like Evie from the book Am I normal yet as I can relate so much with her thoughts about anxiety. I don’t have OCD but as I struggle from anxiety I can also make myself go crazy with so many things in my mind which aren’t even going to come true. It’s so exhausting. This book made me feel less alone.

22.) Has a book ever transported you somewhere else?

Yes, books always transport me to beautiful places and countries. I love to imagine myself in the stories and think about what would I do faced in a certain situation.

23.) Which book do you wish had a sequel?

Everything, Everything because when I ended reading it I felt like I wanted to know how the story would go on. It would be really nice to read that.

24.) Which book do you wish DIDN’T have a sequel?

I don’t know. I think sequels can be good.

25.) How long does it take you to read a book?

Sometimes two weeks but often a month or a few months. I like to take my time to read some good books.

26.) Do you like when books become movies?

I love it! 🎬 I think think it’s really nice when they do it right.

27.) Which book was ruined by its movie adaptation?

I don’t know. I only know that when I watched Everything, Everything I thought that some things were a bit different than in the book. I thought it could have been better.

28.) Which movie has done a book justice?

The Fault in Our Stars was such a beautiful movie and was just like the book. It’s my fav book and movie ever. I cried, laughed and just had all the feels. I also loved the movie The Kite Runner but sometimes it was a bit hard to watch because of the things which were showed. I can’t deal with hard stuff as being a highly sensitive person. I also love the Harry Potter movies but I have to admit that I never read the books, just one. Maybe one day I will have to do that haha.

29.) Do you read newspapers?

Not that much. Sometimes I read it for the wheather, horoscope or some news which interests me such as Eurovision or news about feminism.

30.) Do you read magazines?

I love to read magazines especially the ones I buy in The Netherlands which are Flow and Psychology magazine. Flow is about mindfullness, slow life and being present. It comes with stationery and beautiful insights. I also shared in this blog post that I got some magazines of Flow for Sinterklaas. I also love Psychology magazine because it’s about mental health. I love to read about people who also suffer from anxiety because it makes me feel less alone πŸ™βœ¨. I love to read about some tips how to go through it. It’s an inspiring and interesting magazine. For the rest I also sometimes like The Cosmopolitan which I buy in Spain. I like to buy it in the Summer for holidays on the beach. I’m not that much that girl who loves to read about the newest fashion trends but some stuff is nice haha.

31.) Do you prefer newspapers or magazines?

Magazines always because newspapers can be quiet depressing.

32.) Do you read while in bed?

Yeahhh always because it’s the best, safest, warmest and coziest place to read πŸ›οΈπŸ’ž.

33.) Do you read while on the toilet?

No, but I use my mobile phone sometimes to read something haha.

34.) Do you read while in the car?

I can’t read in the car because I get sick but sometimes I can read in the train.

35.) Do you read while in the bath?

No, because I’m afraid the books will get wet. I would love to have a table which I sometimes see on Instagram posts to put your book on.

36.) Are you a fast reader?

No normally not. Just sometimes it happens that when I really love a book it can take me two weeks to read it.

37.) Are you a slow reader?

YES. I can take some months to read a book haha. I just want to enjoy it and not rush everything. I also want to really be present with what I’m reading and think about the story.

38.) Where is your favourite place to read?

In my bed, on the beach 🌊🌴🌞 (fav place ever) because it’s so calming to hear the waves crashing down the shore, and I also love to read in the garden in The Netherlands. I can’t wait for those days again in the sunshine. I need it.

39.) Is it hard for you to concentrate when you read?

Yes, so that’s why I prefer to read in a silent room, at the beach or at the swimming pool. I can easily get distracted by sounds.

40.) Do you need a room to be silent while you read?

Always otherwise I can’t read.

41.) Who gave you your love for reading?

I think maybe my father because he reads a lot, also writes books as he was a teacher of teology. He also used to tell me stories about witches and other fantasies before bedtime when I was little. He made them all up and it was incredible. My daddy has so much imagination haha. I find it fascinating to be honest.

42.) What book is next on your list to read?

Right now I’m reading Looking for Alaska by John Green. Next, I think I want to read the poetry book about mental health of my friend Andrew from Instagram.

43.) When did you start to read chapter books?

I don’t know, maybe I was 8 years old.

44.) Who is your favourite children’s book author?

I really love the Dutch autors Jacques Vriens and Francine Oomen. I always loved to read these children books.

45.) Which author would you most want to interview?

I would love to interview John Green because I think he is such an interesting person and knows about mental health illnesses such as anxiety and depression. His books are amazing so I think it would be amazing to talk to him. He has such a beautiful inner world.

46.) Which author do you think you would be friends with?

Holly Bourne and Rachel Brathen! I love them both so much 😍. Holly Bourne writes amazing books about mental health, feminism and friendship. I also love Rachel Brathen, Yoga Girl, so much. She’s my biggest inspiration in life so I think we would get along so well with. I would feel at peace when I met her one day and could talk about my struggles and just everything in life. I love her honesty and vulnerability so much.

47.) What book have you reread the most?

I’m a slow reader so to be honest I didn’t have reread a book. I only can think of maybe a Dutch book serie called The five which I read loads of books from. It was always so interesting to read. It was about children who have amazing adventures together.

48.) Which books do you consider β€œclassics?”

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee and The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. I have to read the first two because I heard good reviews about them. The last one I’ve already read and a review is coming soon.

49.) Which books do you think should be taught in every school?

I think The Fault in Our Stars because it tells such a vulnerable and beautiful story about a girl and a boy with cancer which fall in love with each other. It’s a beautiful and touching story. You learn so much about life and the world with this book. I also think the Spinster Club Series books from Holly Bourne would be really great because it’s about feminism, friendship and mental health. Those are all important topics to talk about and learn about through books.

50.) Which books should be banned from all schools?

Books are amazing but I’m in favor of banning books which cause hate such as books of homophobia, racism and anything. If it wouldn’t benefit a person and would cause harm then it should be banned at school.

Thank you all for reading this blog post ☺️. I hope you liked this book tag with loads of questions about books and reading. Can you relate to some of my answers? What kind of books do you love to read? What are your favourite books/writers? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Right in this moment all is well

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I want to talk about what I have expierencing these last days together with some realizations I have got. It’s about sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with you as I have always done and always will do until the day I die. I hope this post will not turn into a depressive post but just so you know it before I begin to talk.

Last Friday I began to read the book of Yoga Girl called “To love and let go”. I will not tell you a lot about it because I really want to do one post about it when I have finished it. It just deserves a post on its own. It’s the most spiritual, healing and just best book I haver ever read πŸ’—βœ¨. It feels like my Bible πŸ“–. I’m at page 74 and it has more than 300 pages so I’m happy there is still so much more to read. I have always said that The fault in our stars is my favourite book but this book is a memoir, based on a real life story and I feel like this is my next favourite book. Yoga Girl also called Rachel Brathen is an international yoga teacher with her own yoga studio called Island Yoga in Aruba. She lives there with her hushband and daughter. Her story is about loss, love and gratitude. She lost her best friend in a car accident and right in that moment she had to go through surgery for her appendix in Bonaire. It’s a heart breaking story πŸ’”πŸ˜’.

Every chapter is amazing, just so beautiful, just out of the world 😍. In one chapter she is writing about how in this exact moment all is well and that anxiety and fear dissapears when we think of the present. There’s this book called “The power of now” which also talks about this. I want to read it one day. I think about this a lot as I have been sleeping so bad these last nights. I thought maybe it’s because of reading this book as it’s so beautiful but also heavy. I think way too much and then get anxious of having so many thoughts in my mind 😒. I wish I could turn them all off and be like it’s enough now and stop it. Anxiety doesn’t work that way. It’s so hard to be present when your mind is constantly in war with you. I also think social media plays a role in this too so these last days I have been using it less. I like it but it also increase my anxiety and makes me feel bad about myself. Blogging and being in communities is so much better. I can’t deal with fake people anymore. I want real connections where I can talk about real life stuff such as deep conversations about death, the universe, our dreams and struggles. Social media feels so fake. I want to learn new things and get inspired instead of getting impressed of people with their fake happiness in life.

Also I think a lot about life and death lately. I have always thought about it and now I think even more about it. I already wrote about my fear of death in this post. I have always been afraid of death ☠️ but also of life because my whole life I live out of fear instead of love. That’s my problem. Sometimes I’m afraid to sleep because of not waking up the next morning. Then I get panic at night and keep waking up. I just fear that everything will stop one day, that everyone I love will die one day and that all of this will stop existing one day. It’s a scary thought 😒. I fear dying but what I fear most is just the thought of being death. I hope I’m not sounding strange but when I shared it in the community of Yoga Girl on Facebook I was happy that I wasn’t alone in this. There are more people afraid of this. It makes me feel good that I’m not the only one thinking about this.

I talk about this with some of my friends or my parents. My daddy said why would you worry about it when you are death because you wouldn’t know it and he also said that before we were born we were also not here. Life is strange. I agree with him but it just still feels strange. I’m just always thinking about the past which includes being bullied, having my heart broken and all the negative stuff and then when that’s done I began to worry and think about the future and so I’m constant in fear and anxiety anticipating the worst things in life. I know we all will die one day and that death is part of life. I just have to find a way in living a life where I can be happy and at peace with my mind. I hope that we can all find that one day as we deserve it ✨

That’s also the reason why I don’t know if I will ever try therapy because I don’t know if it would help me as I have to move on from the past. I know I have to let it all out but I also have to let it go and not dwell in the past which only increase my anxiety. I also want to take yoga lessons πŸ§˜β€β™€οΈ in a class one day. From reading this book I’m learning that right now all is well. I do meditation sometimes with Yoga Girl’s podcasts which is amazing. I’m getting better with it than before. Sometimes I cry while meditating as I’m releasing my emotions. Children are always living in the present moment. I’m thinking about when we as adults stopped doing that. When did that happen? It’s sad because then everything makes sense. It’s normal to feel anxious when we are constantly thinking about the past or future. If we would think more often of the present, right now, how would we feel? I definitely would feel more at peace and less anxious. All is well. That’s going to be my mantra from now on. I know it’s difficult because anxiety often gets in the way but at least I can try.

Today was a good day too because I slept well last night and it was great weather. The sun was even shining a bit 🌞. I got beautiful pen pal mail and Christmas presents from my friends in UK. Selena Gomez and Duncan Laurence released a new song which I loved 🎢. I still didn’t get my period which for one reason is good but I also don’t want to get it when I’m travelling to Spain next week. I had also fun meeting up with my best friend and had a delicious lunch together in Haarlem πŸ˜πŸ˜‹. We also went stationery shopping which is just the best. You will see what I bought in another post. I also saw her family later which I loved because they are basically my second family haha. Her father always says I’m his adopted daughter.

When I came back home I was walking to my home from the bus stop. I was listening to the birds and saw the Autumn leaves πŸ‚πŸπŸƒ on the street. I saw the beautiful green trees. I could smell the Fall. I felt some wind on my face and right in that moment, I felt part of this universe. All is well I thought. Everything is exactly the way it’s because it’s suppose to be this way. I will find my way in life. The universe will always have my back. I’m so blessed so blessed to be alive right now. Thank you life for all the good and bad. I have tears in my eyes right now while writing this. I mean it. I really do. This life is so fragile. We really have to be thankful for all of it πŸ™βœ¨πŸ’—

“If I could stay in the moment and just be, I’d always come back to the same conclusion: all is well. Every time my mind took control, I challenged myself to not get pulled into panic mode.”

– To love and let go by Rachel Brathen

Thank you all for reading this post. I hope you understand what I just shared with you all. Do you also live more in the future than in the present moment? How does it make you feel? Do you also think a lot about life and death? Let me know lovelies. I’m always here for you πŸ’–. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina