Right in this moment all is well

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I want to talk about what I have expierencing these last days together with some realizations I have got. It’s about sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with you as I have always done and always will do until the day I die. I hope this post will not turn into a depressive post but just so you know it before I begin to talk.

Last Friday I began to read the book of Yoga Girl called “To love and let go”. I will not tell you a lot about it because I really want to do one post about it when I have finished it. It just deserves a post on its own. It’s the most spiritual, healing and just best book I haver ever read πŸ’—βœ¨. It feels like my Bible πŸ“–. I’m at page 74 and it has more than 300 pages so I’m happy there is still so much more to read. I have always said that The fault in our stars is my favourite book but this book is a memoir, based on a real life story and I feel like this is my next favourite book. Yoga Girl also called Rachel Brathen is an international yoga teacher with her own yoga studio called Island Yoga in Aruba. She lives there with her hushband and daughter. Her story is about loss, love and gratitude. She lost her best friend in a car accident and right in that moment she had to go through surgery for her appendix in Bonaire. It’s a heart breaking story πŸ’”πŸ˜’.

Every chapter is amazing, just so beautiful, just out of the world 😍. In one chapter she is writing about how in this exact moment all is well and that anxiety and fear dissapears when we think of the present. There’s this book called “The power of now” which also talks about this. I want to read it one day. I think about this a lot as I have been sleeping so bad these last nights. I thought maybe it’s because of reading this book as it’s so beautiful but also heavy. I think way too much and then get anxious of having so many thoughts in my mind 😒. I wish I could turn them all off and be like it’s enough now and stop it. Anxiety doesn’t work that way. It’s so hard to be present when your mind is constantly in war with you. I also think social media plays a role in this too so these last days I have been using it less. I like it but it also increase my anxiety and makes me feel bad about myself. Blogging and being in communities is so much better. I can’t deal with fake people anymore. I want real connections where I can talk about real life stuff such as deep conversations about death, the universe, our dreams and struggles. Social media feels so fake. I want to learn new things and get inspired instead of getting impressed of people with their fake happiness in life.

Also I think a lot about life and death lately. I have always thought about it and now I think even more about it. I already wrote about my fear of death in this post. I have always been afraid of death ☠️ but also of life because my whole life I live out of fear instead of love. That’s my problem. Sometimes I’m afraid to sleep because of not waking up the next morning. Then I get panic at night and keep waking up. I just fear that everything will stop one day, that everyone I love will die one day and that all of this will stop existing one day. It’s a scary thought 😒. I fear dying but what I fear most is just the thought of being death. I hope I’m not sounding strange but when I shared it in the community of Yoga Girl on Facebook I was happy that I wasn’t alone in this. There are more people afraid of this. It makes me feel good that I’m not the only one thinking about this.

I talk about this with some of my friends or my parents. My daddy said why would you worry about it when you are death because you wouldn’t know it and he also said that before we were born we were also not here. Life is strange. I agree with him but it just still feels strange. I’m just always thinking about the past which includes being bullied, having my heart broken and all the negative stuff and then when that’s done I began to worry and think about the future and so I’m constant in fear and anxiety anticipating the worst things in life. I know we all will die one day and that death is part of life. I just have to find a way in living a life where I can be happy and at peace with my mind. I hope that we can all find that one day as we deserve it ✨

That’s also the reason why I don’t know if I will ever try therapy because I don’t know if it would help me as I have to move on from the past. I know I have to let it all out but I also have to let it go and not dwell in the past which only increase my anxiety. I also want to take yoga lessons πŸ§˜β€β™€οΈ in a class one day. From reading this book I’m learning that right now all is well. I do meditation sometimes with Yoga Girl’s podcasts which is amazing. I’m getting better with it than before. Sometimes I cry while meditating as I’m releasing my emotions. Children are always living in the present moment. I’m thinking about when we as adults stopped doing that. When did that happen? It’s sad because then everything makes sense. It’s normal to feel anxious when we are constantly thinking about the past or future. If we would think more often of the present, right now, how would we feel? I definitely would feel more at peace and less anxious. All is well. That’s going to be my mantra from now on. I know it’s difficult because anxiety often gets in the way but at least I can try.

Today was a good day too because I slept well last night and it was great weather. The sun was even shining a bit 🌞. I got beautiful pen pal mail and Christmas presents from my friends in UK. Selena Gomez and Duncan Laurence released a new song which I loved 🎢. I still didn’t get my period which for one reason is good but I also don’t want to get it when I’m travelling to Spain next week. I had also fun meeting up with my best friend and had a delicious lunch together in Haarlem πŸ˜πŸ˜‹. We also went stationery shopping which is just the best. You will see what I bought in another post. I also saw her family later which I loved because they are basically my second family haha. Her father always says I’m his adopted daughter.

When I came back home I was walking to my home from the bus stop. I was listening to the birds and saw the Autumn leaves πŸ‚πŸπŸƒ on the street. I saw the beautiful green trees. I could smell the Fall. I felt some wind on my face and right in that moment, I felt part of this universe. All is well I thought. Everything is exactly the way it’s because it’s suppose to be this way. I will find my way in life. The universe will always have my back. I’m so blessed so blessed to be alive right now. Thank you life for all the good and bad. I have tears in my eyes right now while writing this. I mean it. I really do. This life is so fragile. We really have to be thankful for all of it πŸ™βœ¨πŸ’—

“If I could stay in the moment and just be, I’d always come back to the same conclusion: all is well. Every time my mind took control, I challenged myself to not get pulled into panic mode.”

– To love and let go by Rachel Brathen

Thank you all for reading this post. I hope you understand what I just shared with you all. Do you also live more in the future than in the present moment? How does it make you feel? Do you also think a lot about life and death? Let me know lovelies. I’m always here for you πŸ’–. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina

Life struggles

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I want to talk about how I’m feeling lately especially last week. I have been struggling with life, with myself and just everything in general. I love to always be honest here because this community as well as the Yoga Girl community on Facebook and the mental health community on Instagram are always there for me πŸ’–. In this fake world I’m so happy to have found a place where I can be πŸ’―% myself, vulnerable and honest. There are so many fake people out there who say they are your friend which isn’t true. They don’t care about how you are really feeling. They are just curious and want to gossip around. That’s just the sad reality.

So, I feel that life is a struggle lately. I’m having such a bad sleep routine like always. I’m sorry if I keep repeating myself. I can’t sleep the whole night and then have to sleep in the middle of the night until the afternoon. I really hope I can change this routine soon because it isn’t good for my health to live like this. I feel bad too because I saw my mother crying a few days ago. It hurts me the most to see her crying because she’s always so strong but at the end she breaks down like everyone. She was not feeling well and she also don’t like to see me suffering πŸ˜’πŸ’”.

I’m also struggling, feeling emotional and anxious because of being so afraid of going once to the dentist. I know I have to do it one day but I keep postponing it because of fear. My four wisdom teeth are impacted. I know my wisdom teeth need to get out since like two years ago or so. Dentist anxiety is real and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not the only one who suffers with this. I had a bad experience with a dentist in The Netherlands who called me childish and said I was acting like someone who has 15 years old. This caused me having a panic attack after the visit. This also increased my dental anxiety more.

Last September I went to the dentist here in Spain where my mother also had to do a dental implant. He is really handsome haha and also nice. He understands my anxiety and didn’t find it strange or weird that I was crying there. I know they are all 4 impacted but as the dentist here said it’s better to get it done one by one. I don’t want anyone to push me to do it so hopefully I can face this fear this Summer. Summer time is for happiness but I know I have to do it. I also felt strange things sometimes in my mouth, have a bad stomach and I’m nauseous sometimes. Maybe it is because of my wisdom teeth. I was crying these nights and being emotional also because I have my period. Maybe, I could take valium from my mother to use it when I go to the dentist. If anyone knows a tip or something I would really appeciate it. I know that at the end all my worries don’t come out. It’s just that horrible feeling of anxiety which makes me feel like I can’t cope with it. I know many people who suffer from a mental illness know how hard it is to not listen to our mind and all our worries. It isn’t so easily to snap out of it. I just can’t.

I also am still struggling with finding a job. My dream is to live and work in Spain but it’s difficult. If you want to work in the public sector in Spain you need to do an exam. Even then it is difficult to get the job. I apply for jobs in hotels on Infojobs and other websites but I don’t get an answer. I’m also so anxious to get a job because of anxiety. I just don’t know how to do it. I wish I could find a job that is meaningful and purposeful. I didn’t hear anything back from the internship interview in April. I think the hotel needed to have a confirmation for an agreement with my university. I can’t have that since I graduated two years ago. It just feels that my life is standing still while others are going on with their life. I’m just surviving. Afraid of life and afraid of death, what a way of existing.

Also Summer time is here and it’s my fav season 🌞🌊 but I also sometimes feel the pressure to be happy all the time. Anxiety doesn’t go away just because it’s Summer. I still can be anxious with things. I also don’t like the heatwave this week. Today it was 37 degrees and tomorrow it will be 41 degrees. I stayed at home today because I also don’t feel good because of this heatwave and having my period. I get these horrible cramps, feel dizzy and have headaches. Thanks to medication and paracatemol it makes it a bit better. 40 degrees is really too much for me and makes me feel sick. Together with my period it’s just the worst 😒. I hope I will survive it πŸ”₯

I really love Summer and enjoy being in the sunshine. I also love to go for walks with my mother or read a nice book or magazine on a bench or on the grass. I bought some nice books last week which I will share in a book haul soon when they arrive. Bad moments don’t go away just because it’s Summer. We have to accept that and live with it. I also can’t wait to really enjoy Summer time. I can’t wait to go surfing, swimming 🏊 and go to the beach πŸ„πŸŒŠπŸŒž. I also love blogging and penpalling. It’s important to do things we love to do and to have fun. I just hope we all can have a great Summer and enjoy it as we deserve it. I hope we will have good moments full of love, peace and happiness ✌️. I hope we can overcome the bad moments all together πŸ’ͺ We are always in this together πŸ’— It feels good to let my thoughts and feelings out here as I feel like I don’t have to carry it all on my own because that makes it too heavy.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it somehow made some sense to you. Do you also sometimes feel like life is a struggle? Can you relate to what I feel and how would you cope? Does Summer makes you feel like you have to be happy all the time? I hope you can give me some advice to overcome my fears as I would really appreciate it πŸ™πŸ’—. Thank you for always being there for me. It means the world to me. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Speak up for the people who can’t πŸ’ͺ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I just wanted to talk about something important. I will talk about how important it is to speak up for the people who can’t. Many people in our world can’t speak up for their human rights because they may live in countries where there’s a war and are afraid of speaking up. There can be consequences of speaking up. I will talk about many subjects related to this. I hope it will inspire people and make this world a better place to live in πŸŒβœ¨πŸ™

I was thinking about this topic when I was listening a few days ago to a postcast from Yoga Girl. It was about the abortion ban in some states in America. This is going on right now and it’s really scary. It felt good to hear this important topic which I also agreed on. I believe that every woman has the right to choose to do what they want with their body and whether they want to have children or not. I don’t want that we are going backwards in history.

It’s really terrifying what’s happening in America. This abortion ban will be bad for all women. Even women who are raped will not have the choice to do an abortion. It’s just a horrible thought for women to have a baby from being raped. You can choose to not do abortion for yourself but to ban it is just not aceptable. It’s a human right. It feels like they are now making a political issue of it. That’s why it’s so important to speak about this. We can’t just accept this. I was happy to go to the first feminist strike in Spain last year and speak up about all the injustice we women have to suffer. We live in a patriarchal world and this just has to change.

This subject isn’t only about women. Speaking up implies in many subjects. Racism still exists and people who say it doesn’t are just afraid to speak about it. They ignore it when it is there. I loved the postcast of Yoga Girl where she talked about white supremacy as I agree so much with it. It feels like an uncomfortable conversation but we have to talk about it and discuss it.

I don’t want the benefits of being a white person. I just want everyone in the world to be equal. I want them to have the same human rights. I want everyone have the same school and job opportunities. I don’t accept people of colour being rejected for a job. I have a good friend of Irak and I hear her stories. She had to leave her country because of war just like many people from Syria and other people from other countries are doing right now. I believe there has to be a good migration plan in every country. Some countries almost don’t accept immagration whereas other countries have an overflow. There has to be a better system for all where everyone feels comfortable, happy and equal.

Also I made this poem below for this blog post and also shared it on my Instagram Sea of words. I hope you will all like this poem. Being bullied made me scared and anxious to speak up. It made me be silenced. I still have a hard time to speak up but I’m learning it because it’s so important to do.

We have to speak up for the people who can’t speak up. I always love to see people speaking up about important topics such as mental health because it makes me feel less alone while struggling from anxiety. If we speak up about an important topic or issue it will make other people feel less alone. It also inspires other people to speak up and to make this world a better world to live in 🌍✨. Even if it makes us scared we have to speak up. Let’s do it all together! Yeahhh, we can do it! πŸ’ͺ

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it all inspired you and you loved it. What do you think of speaking up about important topics? Do you also speak up in life? Are you afraid of speaking up and how do you deal with it? Let me know lovelies 😘 I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

We humans complicate life when it’s really simple

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Before I will share with you a post about my birthday which is this Saturday πŸŽ‚πŸŽπŸŽˆπŸŽŠ I want to share something else. It’s a long time since I didn’t write a post about a topic and just rambled about it. I missed that. My last posts were only about music haha because music is life 🎢 I like to write about anything. This post will be about that humans complicate life when life is really simple.

I was thinking about this when I was laying in the sunshine in my garden in The Netherlands last week 🌞 The sun was shining brightly. It was 20 degrees and a blue sky. I just felt happy and peaceful sunbathing in the garden with my mother. I heard some birds whispering and there was some wind but it was okay. Feeling the sunshine on my skin was just perfect on that moment πŸ‘Œβ˜€οΈ I was thinking about how amazing life is when you just don’t think of anything and just enjoy the moment. To be present is so important for a calm mind.

I begin to think about how beautiful nature is and how we human complicate everything in life so much. It only brings us more negativity and bad vibes in life. Nature is just there and don’t want to compete against each other. It grows and blossom. We have to do the same. Humans always look up to other people and that makes them feel bad about themselves. I know I do it too. Comparing myself makes me feel worse. It feels like I won’t ever achieve my dreams or be as beautiful or enough as that person over there.

Also we often don’t want to take the first step in a friendship or relationship because of our ego. We wait until that person takes the first move. It’s better to wait or that’s what they say. We can wait our whole life and not get into that relationship because of ourselves because we are always complicating things. We are creating drama when life is easy. I know of a time I was with my choir singing in UK and one boy of the guest family told me I’m a drama queen hahah sorry I am such a person πŸ˜‚ It’s better now though. When we miss someone we want them to call or text us. It’s okay to take that first step. I think we have to trust and believe in ourselves more and show our feelings. Society tells us to bottle everything up and be emotionless. It isn’t good for you and you know that.

Tell your loved ones more often that you miss them and love them because that’s how you feel πŸ’• They have the right to know it. Do it before it’s too late. We know life isn’t forever but yet we live like it will go on forever. I know I do it myself too as I survive each day. Deep down I know time is ticking away and that time is not coming back. We can’t save time or pause the time. It’s not standing still. We have to enjoy our time and spend it doing things we love to do with the people we love.

Why do we complicate life quote

I say so many things to myself that I want to do and I don’t do it because of fear or judgment. I know many of us make false promises to ourselves. If we can’t commit to our promises then how are we ever be able to commit to people’s promises?! We have to do it for ourselves first. Practice what you preach. I’m also so good in helping other people and giving them advice but I fail to follow my own advices. I fail to ask for help because I’m afraid others see me as a weak person or one who can’t have her life together on her own. You see, we are the ones complicating life when things could be easier.

It’s much easier to just let all these thoughts go and just live our lives on our own way. If we don’t like our studies, job or whatever we have the right to change that and not complicate things in life. We can change, grow and do something we love. I’m a believer that deep down in our heart we know exactly what we want to do in life and how to full our time in life. We just have to find it. It can take some time but we will get there. I hope to find it too. We also have to be more in nature and learn from it. It learns us to enjoy our time in life, worry less and know that everything will slowly be better. Bad times won’t last forever nor will the good times. Everything always is constantly changing including ourselves. Seasons don’t come all at once. They come slowly and that’s how we have to live our lives.

I hope we can all live this way instead of complicating our lives. I know it’s difficult and things get our way. As I suffer from anxiety I find it hard to switch my thoughts as sometimes I just can’t. Nature calms me down. What calms me down the most is swimming in the sea. Also hearing the waves crashing on the shore is the most calming and healing thing ever. We all have something in our lives which calms us down and make us happy. It could be anything from books, music to going to the teatre. Enjoy your time on life and spread kindness, love and happiness. Stay away from drama.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it made sense and you all liked it. Do you think we complicate our own lives? What could we do instead in order to live a happy and simple life? What are your thoughts on this topic? Let me know lovelies πŸ’–.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Being sick, sad and confused πŸ’­

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

In this blog post I will talk about how I’ve being sick this time of the year. I will also talk about feeling sad and lonely. I will also write about feeling confused of making a certain decision which will change my life for the better or for worse. I hope that with writing this blog post I can make somehow my mind up or at least feel a bit better after I’ve written this.Β I’m not doing well lately because I’m sick. Before New Year’s Eve in Spain I had a cold. I got this cold in The Netherlands. I thought that I was done with being sick. I got my period after that which also sucks. Then my mother got sick with coughing so much, vomiting and also having fever.

Last Tuesday I got sick again and I think I have the flu because I have not been eating anything only drinking, my muscles hurt, I feel very weak, sneezing, running nose, fever of 38.4 degrees and coughing all the time. Sometimes I’m even afraid of coughing because it makes me feel like I almost am going to vomit even when I didn’t eat anything these days. I also had to travel this week without eating anything. I only drank water, citrosan which is a Dutch medicine (hot drink with lemon and paracetamol) and a Spanish kind of soup with vegetables and pumpkin. It was delicious and I waa happy to be able to drink that.Β I hope that I feel better soon. It’s already the fifth day that I don’t eat anything. I hate not being able to eat because I love food πŸ˜πŸ˜‹. If I don’t eat I soon feel dizzy or weak. My father for example can go many days without eating and still feels strong πŸ˜‚ He is such a lucky man hahah. Unfortunately, my body doesn’t work that way. I’m happy that my lovely mama bought soup, tissues, hot drink, honey and lots of other stuff. I hope it works to make me feel good again.

Being sick also increase my anxiety like I begin to worry more about my life. Lately, I also feel sad because I don’t feel supported in life by my real life friends. I talked to some of my good friends and nobody talks to me back. I’m feeling so lonely and also angry because I’m always there for everyone. When I’m feeling bad nobody is there for me. It’s just how I feel. I’m so done with feeling that way. I also expected one good friend coming to visit me in Valladolid. It never happened and didn’t wrote me back. It makes me feel sad 😒.Β I feel more supportive by my online internet friends than people in real life. Maybe it’s just a sign of the universe that those are the people who matter. You will see who belong in your life just with seeing their actions and not their words. Words are broken promises. I hope I will meet many people from this blogging community, mental health community, Yoga Girl community and many more communities this year. I would love to have deep talks with you all, have fun and go on adventures. I’m sure we will have an awesome time πŸ’•βœ¨πŸ‘Œ

I’m also feeling confused lately. I applied for some jobs via a Dutch website who helps people find a job abroad. I applied for a job in Athens, Barcelona and Lisbon. So, a few days ago a Dutch recruiter called me when I was in Spain. I was very anxious to receive this call because I hate calling. I definitely have phone anxiety. The call went very well. I liked the job in Lisbon the most because they would pay you the appartment there and help you with everything. You would live with your co-workers. With the other jobs you have to find your own appartment and do everything on your own.Β The call was just the recruiter that gave me general information about everything. She said that I had to complete some tests afterwards and that she would send me my cv to the Dutch recruiter in Lisbon. She also said that during the selection time I will have to send a certification of my degree. I’m glad she was very friendly and that the call went well. We talked for like 10 minutes. There were no awkward silences only just one time but then soon we talked again. Next week I will have a call with the Dutch recruiter in Lisbon. First she said that the call would be in English but then she said that it was a mistake and that it will be in Dutch. That’s much better. I also really don’t like to talk English when we can talk Dutch. That just feels strange to me. She also seem very nice and even send smilies in the emails.

We will discuss the online tests I made during that call. The first test was about answering some customer service emails. They want to know how I react with an angry customer or just someone who has a problem. I had to answer two emails in Dutch and one in English. The second test was a speed test. I had to write down what I was seeing but then my laptop crashed. I couldn’t make the test again. The third test was a Dutch grammer test which was sometimes even difficult hahaha πŸ˜‚ I’m so used to talk Spanish or English. The fourth test was a test about my knowledge of English. I wasn’t that bad I think. The last test was a test about computer knowledge. I think I also was pretty good at it haha. I hope I made them all well.

The thing what makes me confused is that I have never worked before or lived abroad in a place which isn’t my home such as Lisbon. The Netherlands and Spain are my two homes. I don’t know if it will be a good idea to move abroad while suffering from anxiety and being far away from my family and friends. I don’t know if I would cope well. Also, I don’t know if I see myself living with co-workers in one appartement. I love to live in my own home. I’ve never lived with people who I don’t know only with a family once in Spain. I love to have my own space and feel uncomfortable sharing a home with people I don’t know or can trust.

The thing which also keeps me thinking is that I searched the company Teleperformance on Glassdoor. I would be working for them for a Dutch project such as bol.com website at the Customer Service Sector. I saw so many negative reviews that I got very anxious. They said that it’s better not to work there because the environment is horrible, that you are treated like you are a number and robot and that they won’t treat you well. What more alarming was the fact that I read that the co-workers take marijuana and cocaine during work and also at the appartement. I also read that they are noisy. I don’t want to live with those kind of people. I wouldn’t feel comfortable and happy. They also said that the management and organisation of this company is very bad. With all of this said, I really don’t know if I should trust this company and work here if they hire me. I also read online that people can be really negative on the website Glassdoor and maybe not everything is true but it’s still negative information of the company.

Next week, I will get that call from the Dutch recruiter in Lisbon. She will discuss my cv, the tests I’ve made and also give me information about the company. Maybe, I have to say something about these negative reviews. I just don’t know if I should go for it if I get this job. I have never been good in making decisions. I think that still deep in my heart I have to keep searching for a job in Spain because that’s what I want the most. It also feels more safe for me. Even though I didn’t heard back from some jobs I just have to keep going and send my cv. It’s my dream to live and work in Spain so I gotta keep chasing this dream, right? 🌠✨

Thank you all so much for reading this blog post. I hope it wasn’t too messy πŸ˜‚ I just had so many thoughts and feelings to explain haha. Can you relate to my feelings? What would you do in my situation? Did you heard about the company Teleperformance and would you trust the negative reviews? What would be your advice for me? I would love to know your thoughts or opinion as it will help me so much. Thank you so much already for holding space for me πŸ™πŸ’•

I love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Reflection on 2018 & happy new year to you all! πŸŽ‰βœ¨πŸ’•πŸ’«

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Happy new year to you all! βœ¨πŸŽ‰ In this post I will talk about my 2018 and will show you how I celebrated New Year’s Eve. I’m glad I don’t have a cold amymore but just tonight I got my period so yeah that also sucks 😭 I’m glad I take medication for the cramps because otherwise I wouldn’t survive it. Besides, I’m also being anxious about my appointment of getting one of my wisdom teeth pulled out this week. I keep postponing the appointment. I know I have to do it but I’m so scared. H e l p. I also don’t want to do it in Holland. Here in Spain it’s much cheaper and the dentist understands my anxiety but I’m still so afraid and I just feel like I can’t cope. If anyone have some more tips to survive it I will be forever grateful πŸ™πŸ’• I can always take medication for anxiety if that’s enough to help me cope with it.

IMG_20181228_221316.jpg

We are already in 2019. A year has flown by. As usually I want to reflect on my year with this post and also write some important things for you all. Every year has its ups and downs. Every year consists of good things and bad things which happen to us. The most important thing is how we react to all these things. I know how hard it’s to stay positive in this sometimes dark world. I just keep believing that there are so many good things in the world and that there are indeed so many good people. You just have to find your tribe. I’m so glad I did.

I’m so happy with my blogging community, mental health community, Yoga Girl community and the goddess revolution community. I’m thankful that I joined these communities this year. They made me feel less alone and so much happier. If I’m in Holland I will maybe go to a meet up with some yoga girls. I also really wish that we will continue to all be friends and hopefully one day we will all meet ✨ I know the universe brought us all together for a reason which is to be connected with awesome people, share our struggles and feel supported.

I learned a lot this year. I learn every day from this world. This year I realized that there are truly lovely people who care about you and want you to be happy. I learned that it’s better to have a few good friends than a million of fake friends. The ones who love you will always be there for you no matter what. I learned that true love exists when I saw my brother getting married in August in Spain. I learned that this life is an adventure. Sometimes we win and sometimes we loose. We learn from every experience. I also learned that it’s okay if I’m not where I want to be in life. I still have a long way to go. I will find a career I love and will keep growing. It all takes time, pacience and trust in myself. I have to love myself, believe in myself and know that I can make my dreams come true such as working and living in Spain ✨

I also went to my first feminist strike in Valladolid, in Spain on International Women’s Day on the 8th of March with my mother. This was such an empowerful event. I never went to a demonstration before. I really wish 2019 will be the year that less women will be suffering from violence. I wish that women and men have the same human rights. Together we are starting a revolution. This is just the beginning. 2019 will be the year where women can be themselves, love themselves and love each other πŸ’•

This year I also learned that music is the best thing in life 🎢 I would be lost without music. I went to so many amazing concerts such as the OperaciΓ³n Triunfo 2017 concert in Madrid with my friend Maria πŸ’• OperaciΓ³n Triunfo makes me so happy and full of life. I also enjoyed the concert of Pablo Alboran, Chenoa, Hombres G and Celtas Cortos with my mother in Valladolid. I also enjoyed so much the concert of Sofia Ellar with my friend Maria. I can’t wait to see her again. It was so lovely to meet Sofia and get a picture with her. She’s the best and I can’t wait to see her singing again 😍

This year I began to read again a lot which I loved to do so much when I was younger. I will continue reading this new year. I also kept writing and being creative. I hope to create more amazing content on this blog. Writing is amazing. I travelled to Madrid, Granada, Santander and Somo. I discovered Somo which is a beautiful surfing village in the north of Spain. In 2019 I really want to go to a surf camp again πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠπŸŒž. I didn’t go surfing for more than two years. I miss it so much. It’s also so good for my mental health. The sea is my home and cleans my soul. The beach is my favourite place on this earth. I can’t wait to travel to more amazing places and meet more amazing people.

Somo, Santander (September 2018)

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Granada, Andalucia (July 2018)

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La RΓ‘bita, Mediterranean Sea, Granada (July 2018)

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Madrid (March 2018)

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Maybe for some of you this year was a hard year. Maybe some of you have lost someone close to you. Maybe you just didn’t felt okay and were struggling. I’m here for you. It’s okay to grief. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel sad. Feelings change and emotions change but it all takes time. Try to not be hard on yourself next year. Remember, I’ll will always be there for you πŸ’• I hope you will invest in self love and self care this new year because that’s the most important thing that matters. I also encourage you all to surround yourself with people who love you and who bring you only good vibes because you deserve that ✨.

I celebrated my New Year’s Eve in Valladolid, in Spain. I decided to not go out with my friends. I also didn’t go out last year. I used to party every year but I don’t feel in the mood anymore. I have to do what feels good to me. I went to the hairdressers in the afternoon to cut the dead ends, my bangs and they made curls in my hair. I love to look good for myself. I dressed up at home and did my make up. My mother and I went to the house of the mother of the wife of my brother. We celebrated all together New Year’s Eve: Rafael, my mother, VΓ©ronica, VΓ©ronica’s mother and her brother. We enjoyed eating delicious Spanish food.

We ate cheese, jamon serrano, chorizo, bread and chicken. I didn’t eat the fish because I don’t like fish so much haha πŸ˜‚ At 12 o’clock we watched the television and ate the 12 grapes. We also had champagne πŸ₯‚. It’s a tradition in Spain to eat the 12 grapes. They say it brings luck. We watched television where we were hearing beautiful music and we played Spanish card games. I really loved it so much. I love playing games with my family. At 3.30 am my mother and I went home and we stayed in watching some television. We went to bed at 6 am pretty late but doesn’t matter because it’s a special night. I’m glad I didn’t go out because as soon as we were home I got my period haha. On New Year’s Day we just stayed in and chilled. I saw the movie Grease. I just love that movie & the music so much 😍 I also saw the movie Paper Towns which I love so much from John Green. I already saw this movie with my best friend one day and loved it.

l wish you all an amazing new year full of love, happiness and luck πŸ€βœ¨βœŒοΈ Stay strong & stay safe. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ I love you all so so so much ❀️. Thank you all for reading. How was your New Year’s Eve? Did you stay at home or did you went to a party? Which are your goals or dreams to achieve in 2019? I would love to know. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

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Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Epiphany: I don’t want to be seen

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I just need to talk about a topic which is coming into my mind these last weeks. It’s also making me very anxious. I’m going to talk about how my blog is my safe space and how anxious I’m that people in real life find my blog. The thought makes me very uncomfortable. I’m going to talk about a epiphany I had. It’s a realization I have had for so long. I was even looking for making this blog private when people told me they found my blog but I don’t think that would be fun. I love the interaction with my community, the traffic of new followers and finding new inspirational blogs πŸ’–πŸ™.

A week ago I got a lovely mail from the mother of Lisa. I wrote about her loss in this blog post: Life is fragile. She died from Leucemia at just 28 years old. I also went to her cremation with my mother in October. I’m still very proud of myself that I went as I have such a huge fear of death and never went before to a funeral. Her mother wrote me such a beautiful and touching mail. I got really anxious after I knew that her family knew about my blog. They have read everything and if they are reading this: Hi lovelies ❀️. They are such a lovely family and can of course read my blog posts. I care about them and love them very much. She said I wrote so beautiful about her daughter. I was just so touched by this story and cried a lot about her loss. I even didn’t know her that well but our choir members are always so connected.

I know why I’m anxious about people finding my blog. I know my blog is public but just the thought of real life people finding my blog makes me want to hide in bed and hide from the world forever. Why do you think? I already shared that I have been bullied during high school. I’m so afraid of any bullies finding my blog. Just as I’m reading a book about how to cope with anxiety I felt more calm. I also took some anti anxiety medications a week ago because I couldn’t cope. I was overthinking all the time 😒. I’m worth it and I’m enough. I tried to change my thoughts from negative to more realistic and positive thoughts. I’m also learning that in an online chat which I take with people who are also struggling with that. It really helps me to feel a bit more peaceful πŸ™βœ¨πŸ’•

I have to know that not everyone would even care about reading my blog. I also don’t even have contact with all those bad people anymore. The family of Lisa is so lovely and also another man from the choir who I always feel calm and happy with. I just have to surround myself with people who gets me and supports me πŸ’–

It’s just that this blog and also my Instagram Seaofwordsblog is a safe space for me. It’s the only space I go to when I feel sad, anxious, happy or inspired. It’s a place where I go to when I’m crying and just need to let my feelings out and write about my thoughts. This is the only space where I’m 100% honest, vulnerable and authentic. I don’t want to be afraid all the time of people who I know finding my blog. I wouldn’t be able to write anymore about anything.

The mother of Lisa also read about my anxiety. She don’t judge me and understands me. I felt so loved reading her mails. I was also looking for tickets for the Christmas concert for this weekend in the cathedral. I used to sing in that choir. Then I got an email back that I could have the tickets for free. That’s really so sweet of them πŸ’•. I’m always happy to see my choir singing but also feel anxious that I get a panic attack or feel anxious in the church. There are just some experiences in my choir which made me feel anxious and insecure. I got bullied there and I also felt like I wasn’t good enough. When one time I sang a solo, they preferred that someone else had to sing it. Again a confirmation that I’m just not good enough even for singing when it’s one of my biggest passions in life. I also got a sh*t teacher who once said that I was going to get bullied in high school. Well, that happened. F*ck it πŸ˜”. Maybe, one day I will go to see some of my choir members who are nice to me but I still feel anxious about going.

I didn’t went to the Christmas concert because of this fear and also because it always bring up memories from the past with my ex boyfriend πŸ’”. Long story short, I met my first love when I was 17 years old during a choir tour in Cambridge in UK. The same city where my parents also met each other but they are still together for more than 40 years πŸ˜‚ Their love story ended well. He broke up with me when I was 19 years old during Christmas. It’s already 6 years ago and I’m over him but I still think that you can’t be completely over your first love. Every time I see my choir singing I get emotional because of these memories. I’m feeling a bit guilty now that I didn’t went because I got free tickets and some people were happy to see me but maybe I can go to another concert or go to the church at Christmas eve which I do often. My mother went alone to the concert. Maybe, I will just have to face this fear but it’s so hard for me 😭

Lately, I’m just so afraid of seeing someone I know in public. I don’t want everyone to know about my anxiety or getting asked questions about what I’m doing with my life. I’m living and surviving okay. I don’t know what I’m doing with life. I just know that this blog is everything for me. If you take this away from me I would feel even more hopeless and anxious. Here I can be vulnerable, open and honest without feeling judgment. I love this blogging and mental health community so much. It’s everything for me πŸ’•.

I think I just have to stop thinking about whether people in real life will find my blog or not. I’m safe here and will continue sharing my journey of coping with an anxiety disorder, the daily struggles and hardships of life and all the good things in life. I have to stop being scared all the time of people and about what they would think of me. It’s just really hard because I don’t trust many people anymore only my good friends, my online friends, online communities and my family. It’s so hard for me to find new friends or people because I’m always so scared to get bullied again or that someone will hurt me. I can’t deal with that anymore in life so I stay away from people, isolate myself and live in my own peaceful world with my music, blog, books, movies, postcasts and hide away from the real world 🌍.

I know the biggest reason why I don’t want to see anyone I know on the streets is that I just don’t want to be seen. I just always want to hide away in my bed, room or house. I know it isn’t that good but it’s really part of who I’m. People think I’m that outgoing social girl but I’m only crazy, completely myself and comfortable when I know you well. We have to best friends or good friends before I can trust you. I’ve always been that girl who never want to be in the center of attention. My father even said to me that I used to hide myself in boxes when I was a child πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚ I see where that’s coming from. When I was a teenager I would hide myself in a wardrobe when there was a visit. Nowadays, I hide myself in my bed covered with blankets and stuffed animals. Not much has changed just the place of were I’m hiding myself hahaha omg πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈπŸ€£ I’m always playing hide and seek in life.

I just am getting an epiphany. I love that word which Yoga Girl use so much. A few years ago I had some therapy sessions and also this lovely woman said to me that I just don’t want to be seen. That was also the reason why I always got uncomfortable, anxious, nauseous and even vommited times before I had to go to talk to her. I’m afraid to ask for help and support because I don’t want to be seen or take any space in this world.

It feels good to come to this realization because this is something I’m struggling all my life with. I’m always escaping from everything I fear in life simply because I want to hide away and I don’t want to do it. That’s it. I really hope with taking little baby steps forward I can change this in 2019 and the upcoming years. If I need more support as in therapy for my anxiety disorder then I have to take that step and do it even if I feel so scared. I have to let myself seen to get better in coping with anxiety and just in general in life. I can do it πŸ’ͺ. I only have to let myself seen and not hide in boxes, wardrobes or a bed anymore haha πŸ˜‚ That’s sounds like really simple but it will be difficult. I have to know that not everyone is going to judge me. I can speak up and be myself in this world. This blog is already such a big step for me to be seen in this world and I’m so damn proud I made this blog πŸ’• I will continue this amazing adventure with all of you ✨

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you can all understand my story. It felt good to write this as I was beginning to realize many things going on in my life. Can you relate to my story? Are you also afraid of people you know finding your blog? Do you also struggle with letting yourself seen in life? How do you cope with it? Let me know in the comments. I would love to hear your thoughts and if you have any tips for me they are also appreciated πŸ’—.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Conversations & having fun with my 3 year old niece πŸ’•πŸ‘§

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I will write a different blog post because I think it’s really fun to share. I hope you all will like it πŸ˜„. I will share some funny conversations I had with my niece and how much I love being an aunt. It’s so much fun and you learn so much from children. My brother Edward lives with his wife Elke and Noanne in the south of The Netherlands. They live near to Eindhoven. I don’t see them that often because they live far away from us like two hours by car/train. I was also living in Spain for a long time. Now that I’m back for a time in The Netherlands I see them more often. I really love that.

Two weeks ago my niece and brother came to our house in Haarlem. They came at 10.30 in the mornings and I had to wake up early πŸ˜‚ I slept only 6 hours that day so I was really tired. It was so nice to see them again. I took some nice pictures of Noanne with me in my room but I can’t share them online because my brother and his wife don’t want that. Of course I respect their privacy even though I really would like to share them…. maybe in the future who knows.

The last time I saw my niece and brother was on the wedding of my brother Rafael in August in Spain. It was nice to spend time with each other again. She’s now 3 years old and she can already talk a bit. We went upstairs to my room. I was afraid that she would fall from the stairs but she could climb the stairs upstairs alone. She said to me: “I’m a big girl, I can do it alone.” When we were upstairs in my room she felt like she was on a fair 🎑🎒🎠 I have so many stuffed animals, colours and things in my room hahaha πŸ˜‚ She was really happy to be in my room.

She began to analyse and look to my things and pick some stuff from my room. Then she looked on my floor where I had my antidepressants lying on the floor next to some books. She looked to my medication and said to me: “What’s that?” I was like uuuuhhh πŸ˜… Do I have to explain it or just stay silence? I stayed silence and let it be. Maybe, one day I will explain it when she gets older. I don’t think she will understand it anyway because she’s so little.

She’s just so curious about everything. I think it’s really important in a child to be curious of the world, ask questions so you get to know how things work. I still feel curious about so many things and would love to ask questions but then I get scared because of judgment. Then out of the blue she said and looked to my bedside table: “Why do you have a snow ball on your bedside table?” I felt confused and thought I began to go crazy πŸ˜‚ I didn’t know what she meant but I guess she meant the fluffed snowman which had a little book. I had to read the little story for her. We had a nice time with the family.

Last Saturday my mother and I went to Eindhoven, which is a city in The South of The Netherlands. I really love this region so much. It’s called Brabant. We went to the light festival Glow which is every year. Maybe I will post another blog post with some videos and pictures of this event. When we arrived at the station of Eindhoven we met my brother and Noanne. As we were sitting in the car suddenly Noanne said: “When we are older we die.” I was like wow is it normal to talk about these things when you are only three years old?! 😱 My brother and Elke talk about everything with her. We went to the house of my brother in Geldrop. We also ate there during the evening.

I remember that I went to the toilet to do my make up and brush my hair to be ready to go to the light festival. Noanne was talking to me while I was in the toilet haha πŸ˜‚. I opened the door and she said: “What are you doing?” I said that I was doing my make up. Then she said: “Do you do that every day?” I said that I don’t do it everyday. I was brushing my hair and did all my hair for my eyes so that you couldn’t see me. Noanne then said: “You are hiding” and “Beautiful brown hair.” Then she said that I’m a monkey hahah πŸ˜‚ She’s so crazy πŸ’• I love it. I said that I have clits in my hair and then she said that she also has that and that it hurts.

I love that she always says that I’m really sweet. She’s such an adorable child πŸ’– Her favourite colour is black hahah which is really rare. She loves to colour and is such a crazy lovely child. She laughs a lot and is always happy. I wish I was a child again. It’s so great to be so little and be innocent. When we were leaving she grabbed me and I felt down on the ground and then she said: “I want to stay with you.” Then she did such her mouth in the form of a kiss and said that she also want lipstick. She’s just so cute. I really love her so much.

If only she could stay this young forever. When I look in her eyes and see the way she acts I feel happy. When you are that young you are just going with the flow in life and don’t know the dangers of the world. Everything is nice and funny. I really wish I could go back to that time again because I was such a happy child. It was in my teenage years that I begin to feel bad because of anxiety, being bullied and having my first heart break. Sometimes I really wish we could be able to travel back in time and relive those moments of true happiness again. Hopefully, I will live such moments again in my life. I’m sure that that time will come too.

Noanne makes me feel happy and and makes me think of how simple life is. Adults complicate life so much when real happiness is so simple like a laugh, being crazy and enjoying the little things in life. We are never growing up like Peter Pan. We always have child in us and we have to play with our inner child every day. On the 1th of December we are celebrating Sinterklaas with the whole family so we will be back in Brabant. I can’t wait to see them all again and get presents. I love that time of the year so much.

Thank you all for reading. I hope you all liked this blog post about conversations with my little niece Noanne. Do you also have these kind of conversations with your niece/nephew? Do you also love the joy and innocence of children? Do you also wish to go back in time and be a child again? Let me know in the comments. I would love to know your thoughts.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

The night that music made me cry and think of the world πŸŒ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

For I begin with this post I have to say that I don’t like when they change things like they did on WordPress. I don’t understand this new system of layout blocks that much. It always takes me a lot of time to get used to these new systems…arghh technology. I always used to justify my text for my blog post because I find that more beautiful but now I can’t do that anymore. Does anyone know a solution for this? I don’t want to pay WordPress bussiness to just get a plugin for this. I also tried some key short cuts but it didn’t work out. If anyone else has this problem or know a solution I would be forever grateful. Today’s blog post will about last Saturday evening where I just couldn’t stop crying 😒. Sometimes I have those nights. I cried so much that evening and here I’m going to explain what was going on that evening. Crying is good for you and your body. Sometimes we just have to let it all go in order to move on in life and feel better. When you cry, you release emotions and tension which is build up in your body. I will always be such an emotional person. It’s just who I’m and part of me. This post will be a post full of my thoughts and emotions during that night.

It was Saturday evening. I just ate dinner with my parents. After dinner we watched “Kinderen voor kinderen” which is a Dutch children’s choir maintained by public broadcaster VARA. The translation would be “Children for children.” Every year they record a cd and sing these songs during a live show on Dutch tv. I loved the songs more in the past because it made me feel more but I still love it so much. Music is life 🎢. I will never be too old for any type of music. This will be always be part of my childhood.

Here’s one of the popular songs which was also in the charts years ago. I love the clothes and the old school microphone hahah.

Kinderen voor kinderen – Op een onbewoond eiland
(They sing about how they want to live on a island where nobody lives and where every day is a happy day 🌴🌞)

The kids sing about war, high school problems, death, anxiety, being bullied, love, broken heart, family, travelling, injustice, saving the planet, feeling lonely and just everything. They sing such great songs with touching themes. I love it so much and all these beautiful songs will be forever remembered. I felt so much nostalgia when I saw this show that day. I see this liveshow almost every year. I grew up listening to all those amazing songs. In the newest cd they sang some beautiful songs about how important it’s to save our planet, save the bees and tigers. They also sang an amazing song about being bullied. I had to cry so much but I didn’t do it with my parents. I  prefered to cry on my own upstairs.

I went upstairs and began listening to other songs from years ago. I didn’t heard some beautiful songs yet and wow damn I felt two songs so deeply. I just couldn’t stop crying 😭. I felt so emotional. It was also maybe because I only slept 6 hours that night. There were two songs which really broke my heart. They were so beautiful that I began to think, cry, replay them and sing them. They sang one song “Waarom moet ik gaan” (Why do I have to leave) which was about a girl who’s refugee and came to the Netherlands 6 years ago. She asked herself the question why she has to go back to her country where there’s war. The Netherlands is sending her back. They also sang about how they don’t understand the law. Just writing about it now makes me again tear up. Since I’m also reading The sun and her flowers from Rupi Kaur I’m thinking a lot more about this subject. Here poems are beautiful and the poems in the part of rooting are just wow so beautiful. One of my good friends is also a refugee and came from Iraq to The Netherlands. Her story is so sad and heartbreaking.

When I was listening to this song from the Dutch choir I couldn’t stop crying. The lyrics was beautiful. The melody was amazing. The story was so sad. I also don’t understand why countries have to send refugees back when there’s war in their country. If there would be a war here or in Spain, I also would want to go away from the country where there’s war and be safe. I really hope to one day be able to help this people and maybe work in a organisation that helps refugees. I can’t deal with this feeling of hopeless. I want to be able to heal this world and make this world a better place to live in. Here you can listen to this song. It’s in Dutch but music has no language, right?! The kids are so cuteee 😍.

Kinderen voor kinderen – Waarom moet ik gaan
(Why do I have to leave, a beautiful and touching song about a girl who’s refugee and has to leave The Netherlands after 6 years)

Then there was another song which also made me tear up which was called “Leef met elkaar” (Live with each other). It was about bullying. I love that they sing often about this subject because it’s so important to raise awareness about it. This song was about how important it’s to end bullying. They sing about how kids bully each other and how much it hurts. The child feels lonely and is suffering. She is afraid to go to school because they run after her. She’s a bit smaller than the rest and she doesn’t understand why she get bullied. They also sing about how amazing the world is with all their differences in colours, flowers, seasons and animals. Humans destroy it because they are bullying each other which I agree with so much. We are all unique so we have to live with each other,  love each other and be there for each other ❀.

This was exactly how I felt when I got being bullied in my teenage years. I was so afraid of going to school. I was afraid to feel lonely again at school and hear the bullies laughing about me. It made me feel so insecure. Sometimes I still feel that I can’t let this past so easily go because it still hurts me so much. It also shaped me into the person I’m now. A big influence of having anxiety and low self esteem is because I’ve been bullied. As I was listening to this song I also felt hope in my heart. I truly believe that we are all unique and that we have to embrace our differences. This world is beautiful because of all the different nationalities, races, colour, sexualities, just everything. We are all unique human beings. If everyone would be the same this world would be pretty boring. I love the diversity but also would love that everyone would be treated as equal. It’s still not the case in this world but hopefully in the future it will.

Here below you can hear the song. It’s such a beautiful song.

Kinderen voor kinderen – Leef met elkaar
(Live with each other, a beautiful song about how much bullying hurts and that we have to love each other)

Sometimes all you need is a good cry. I truly believe that the way to heal ourselves is to feel every emotion. Let’s not run away from our feelings. I continued crying in the living room with my mother by my side. She always understands me so well. Sometimes you just have to let everything out to clean yourself. I just have always had a hard time dealing with the injustice in this world. Being a highly sensitive person makes me feel everything so deeply that I just can’t move on easily from it. I always have the thought that I could do more in this world in order to make a real change. Hopefully, I will get a career that fits my personality and can make a real change for this world. I believe that I’m alive to help each other and be inspired by everyone on this planet. Together we will make this world a better place πŸ™πŸŒ Just take little steps forward. “Be the change you want to see in the world” as Gandhi says.

Thank you all for reading this post. I hope you can all understand me. Did you like the songs? Can you relate to my thoughts and emotions? Do you also sometimes tear up listening to touching songs which make you think of this world? I would love to know your thoughts on this. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Feeling lonely and the love of communities πŸ’•

Hola sweeties πŸ’•,

In this blog post I will write about feeling lonely which I’m feeling for a long time right now. I’m feeling this feeling even stronger here in The Netherlands. I also felt this feeling in Spain but much less. I’m going to talk about feeling lonely and about the differences of living in Spain or The Netherlands. Loneliness is a feeling that many people will not want to admit. Everybody can feel lonely in life. I think it’s important to write about it because I often feel in life that not many people want to talk about it or they feel ashamed to feel this way. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Those are your feelings and you have every right to feel them.

I know why I feel this feeling stronger here in The Netherlands than in Spain. A big reason is that in Spain I have a group of friends where I hang out with mostly in the weekends. We eat tapas together, have a fiesta or just meet each other and talk. I also have good friends here in The Netherlands but it seems like everyone is busy living their lives. My friends in Spain also have their lives but the Spanish people in general are more social and it’s easier to meet new people. In Spain people make time to see each other and also make time to eat with friends and family. Since I’m back in Holland I only saw one time my best friend, another day my other good friend and another day another good friend. I’m already a month here. For the rest, I only go out with my mother. So, basically I’m only with my parents. I’m happy that I bought concert tickets last weekend to go to the concert of Vance joy this friday in Paradiso Amsterdam. I can’t wait to hear the song Riptide live 😍. I’m going with my best friend and I can’t wait to enjoy a concert together again. It’s been such a long time since I went to concerts here in Holland. Music is life πŸŽΆπŸ’•.

I’m not only feeling lonely because I don’t see a lot of friends here in The Netherlands. I’m also feeling lonely because I don’t see my family that often. I don’t see my brothers that often and also not my little niece from three years. I miss my family so much. As you know I have two older brothers. Rafael has just married with his Spanish wife VerΓ³nica in August. They live like 15 minutes away from us by bike. I saw them only twice in a month. One time with the wedding party in Haarlem and the other time at the beach for a short time. Fortunately, they are both coming to eat in two weeks at our home. My other brother Edward lives with his wife Elke and their cute little girl Noanne 2 hours away from us by car in the south of The Netherlands. They are always busy with their jobs and also have their own company of wedding photography. We are all still waiting for the pictures of the wedding of Rafael. I saw them once last year only with Christmas because I was in Spain all the time. This year I have also only see them once with the wedding in Spain. Hopefully, I will see them next month with the light festival Glow in Eindhoven with my mother. Glow is such a beautiful event. All the buildings and the church are with lights. It’s beautiful to see. I will make pictures and videos and maybe let you all see what I mean πŸ’‘.

This feeling of loneliness is pretty normal for me and especially living in the Netherlands. You all know by now that I love Spain more than The Netherlands. I love both countries but I just feel more Spanish in the way I’m. I feel more at home in Spain. In Spain family is number one and also friends are really important. They always make time to see each other no matter how busy their lives are. What I also love in Spain is that a friend can just text me or call me and say hey do you want to go to eat some tapas tonight? Of course, I say yes and then we will go out. Here in The Netherlands you always have to plan when you are going to meet each other and it’s difficult to make a plan because the people are telling you all the time I’m so busy omg I’m so busy. I really dislike that sentence so much. Of course, there are a lot of things to do in life but I think you really have to make time to also see your loved ones if that’s important for you.

There’s such a big difference in culture between Spain and The Netherlands. Spain has a collectivist culture and The Netherlands is an individualistic country. In Spain when I meet my friends sometimes more friends will join and it’s all spontaneous whereas here people are looking to their agendas to find a day when they can all meet. People here just like to live their lives alone. I can feel this feeling of loneliness much more here than in Spain. Whenever I have a problem people are more likely to help me in Spain than here. In Spain there’s a high rate of unemployment but still families help each other and find a way out. I really admire their strength and positivity.

Even though I go out almost every day with my mother I’m still feeling lonely. I went twice to the beach last month, drove on my bike and had walks in the park near to my house. I know another big factor of my loneliness is that I don’t study anymore. I’m searching for jobs in Spain and also applied for some jobs. One was about promoting the brand Holland in Madrid and another one was working in the surf shop O’Neill in Madrid. I hope they will answer me soon. I also applied for a job vacancy to work in a surf shop here in Holland. Maybe, I can do that these months to earn some money before I go to Spain in December. I really want to make a living there. When I studied in college I hang out with my classmates and it was all fun. Now, I feel lost in life. I guess my anxiety disorder also makes me feel lonely. I always feel alone in my feelings and thoughts. I’m so happy to have found this blogging community and also my mental health community on my blog and on Instagram. You are all so kind and so amazing. I’m also into reading again and want to write more awesome new content like book reviews on my blog.

Last month I also entered a new community which is the Yoga Girl community on Facebook. I will still write a blog post about her because I have a lot to say about her and she’s just my biggest inspiration in life. I will just keep it short now. Yoga Girl is a famous international yoga teacher and has her own studio Island Yoga in Aruba. She is married with Dennis Schoneveld and has a lovely child called Lea Luna. This community makes me also feel less alone. There are now 12000 people in this group. Everyone is sharing their lifes stories. I read a lot of stories about death, self love, mental illnesses such as anxiety, ocd, depression or anything else, trauma, abuse, yoga, following your dreams and so much more. Everyone is openly sharing. We are all looking for acceptance and understanding in life and that’s what I found in this group. Some people give advice and others are just there for you. Sometimes the best advice you can give to someone is to be there for them. I cried of happiness while reading these amazing stories. I’m so happy to be part of this beautiful community πŸŒΈπŸ™.

I’ve always felt that the world is a scary place and awful things happen but maybe those thoughts are also caused by my anxiety disorder. I just always felt like I can’t be myself and have to change myself so that people will like me. I’ve been bullied during my high school years which I also shared on this blog and that made me cause low self esteeem. Every day I’m learning more about myself. I’m learning to really love myself. I’m a highly sensitive person and I feel every emotion. I suffer more but also feel more. I’m just so happy to have found my blogging community, yoga girl community and mental health community online. These communites are so amazing. It reminds me that even though in my past and in this world there are bad people there are also so many good people. You just have to find the right people which is your tribe. Those people will always be there for you no matter whatπŸ’•. Communities are there to make people feel less alone and lonely, to share and be honest with each other.

The support I see in all these communities with each other and which I also receive are just from another planet 🌍. I wish to meet many of you because you seem all so lovely, understanding and caring. The worlds needs more people like you all ❀. I often feel that there are so many people who don’t show their real feelings in life. It feels like it’s better to not feel at all in life. I disagree with that because feeling all those emotions bad or good like anger, happiness, loneliness, sadness is so important. I made the best friends and connections online and in real life with people who are real, honest and can be vulnerable with each other. We have to feel it all in order to let things go in life.

I already made many new friends on Facebook from the Yoga Girl community. Now, I feel less alone. Some of them are Dutch and living in Amsterdam or Leiden so I’m going to meet some of them. I’m just so in need of new friends too because it feels amazing to be able to have deep talks, do yoga and just be surrounded by authentic people. I just wanted to say that even though I never met any of you I know our paths will cross and that this community will heal us all. One of my biggest dreams in life is to go on a Yoga Retreat in Island Yoga and meet Rachel and all those amazing people. Always remember, you are loved. You are enough and you are all so beautiful. You are never alone πŸ’•.

I hope you all liked this blog post. Do you also feel lonely sometimes? What do you do when you feel lonely? Do you also love to be part of a community? It always makes me feel less alone so I encourage anyone to join a community online whether it will be online or in real life. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Love, peace & happiness to you all ❀

xoxo Christina