Hey lovelies 💕,
Today I want to share a blog post about a mental health disorder which is trichotillomania. I feel ashamed to share it but I have to share it. I actually didn’t want to share this but today I find the courage and strength to share this in the hope others who are suffering from it too don’t feel alone. I also want to raise awareness and understanding. I have never been diagnosed of it but I know I have it because it isn’t normal what I do. I just feel I can share it here as it’s my safe space.
As you all know by reading my blog I suffer from anxiety which is hard and I’m not doing well lately. I also suffer from trichotillomania which I think is a consequence of feeling anxious. Trichotillomania is also called hair-pulling disorder, is a mental disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes or other areas of your body, despite trying to stop.
I wouldn’t pull my hair out but what I do is pulling my eyebrows and eyelashes out. I feel so ashamed and bad about it. I think I have had it all my life but lately it’s been really bad. Last year, I had basically one eyebrow in Spain because the other one I pulled almost completely out. It was really bad. I covered my face with my bangs because thanks god I have bangs otherwise everyone would have seen it.
I remember cancelling appointments with people because I felt so ashamed of it. I didn’t want my friends to see me that way. I would think that they think I’m crazy and out of control 😢 It really hurt me. Some people asked me once and I said it was an infection and that I went to the doctors. They believed me. I felt good about lying but I still made me feel bad. I wouldn’t like to see myself in the mirrow. I felt ugly because of it. Then I didn’t do it for a few months and on my birthday last year it was almost all good again. Until next time….
This year it happened again, this time it was the other eyebrow but I’m happy it grows fast but I had like open spaces. One day I was meeting my best friend in Holland and then she saw my eyebrow and said that I always had full eyebrows and asked what happened. At the end, I told her and felt so ashamed. I was so happy she understood me and said we all have our things. One is nail biting, the other one pulls their eyebrows out and the other one has another thing. My good friends know it too and respect me. They also are worried about me. I love to feel loved and it’s good to know that they care about me.
I also always think it could be worse. I never did self harm and never will do because I’m afraid of blood. I feel dizzy and nauseous when I see blood. However, what I do is also not okay and maybe I have to ask for help for it. I also would have to do that for anxiety and I’m not doing it because I’m so anxious of therapy. That’s just the truth. A few years ago I went to a sort of mental health worker in Holland and had to vomit every time I went so I don’t want to go through that again. Here I’m still so anxious about everything in life such as going through an interview in Spain for an internship in a hotel, getting my wisdom teeth pulled out one day and just everything in life. I’m not okay.
My eyebrows are kinda okay now. I searched a lot through internet and I read that castoroil would grow your eyebrows and eyelashes. It definitely does. My eyebrows have grown so much. I’m happy about that 😊. I’m not happy about this month that I begin to pull my eyelashes out as I have almost no eyelashes in one eye. It makes me feel so bad and ashamed again. My mother watch me doing it and said I make her nervous. She said just stop it but I just can’t. It’s so difficult to stop it. I hate it. I will keep using castoroil and hopefully for my next birthday the first of June I will have more eyelashes again. I feel like eyelashes grow less faster than eyebrows.
Sometimes I don’t do it for a time, could be days or even months but then I begin again and I just can’t stop until I made it so bad. I won’t share pictures because this feels already so hard to share. I hope you all don’t think I’m crazy because trust me I really wish I wouldn’t do this stupid thing. I just wish not many people will see it. Maybe, I have to buy fake eyelashes as I see many people and celebrities wearing it. I’m afraid it would destroy my eyes or hold on the growing of the eyelashes when using castoroil. I don’t know what to do. I also for now stopped using mascara as you would see that on one eye I have all my eyelashes and on one not. I love to wear make up but for now I don’t do it 😔.
Thank you all for reading this vulnerable blog post. I feel good to share it here as I know you are always there for me. Thank you for holding space for me you have 💗 We are all in this together 💪 Do you also suffer from trichotillomania? Do you have any tips? What would you do? Let me know as I would really appreciate your thoughts and help.
Much love 💕,