Life struggles

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I want to talk about how I’m feeling lately especially last week. I have been struggling with life, with myself and just everything in general. I love to always be honest here because this community as well as the Yoga Girl community on Facebook and the mental health community on Instagram are always there for me πŸ’–. In this fake world I’m so happy to have found a place where I can be πŸ’―% myself, vulnerable and honest. There are so many fake people out there who say they are your friend which isn’t true. They don’t care about how you are really feeling. They are just curious and want to gossip around. That’s just the sad reality.

So, I feel that life is a struggle lately. I’m having such a bad sleep routine like always. I’m sorry if I keep repeating myself. I can’t sleep the whole night and then have to sleep in the middle of the night until the afternoon. I really hope I can change this routine soon because it isn’t good for my health to live like this. I feel bad too because I saw my mother crying a few days ago. It hurts me the most to see her crying because she’s always so strong but at the end she breaks down like everyone. She was not feeling well and she also don’t like to see me suffering πŸ˜’πŸ’”.

I’m also struggling, feeling emotional and anxious because of being so afraid of going once to the dentist. I know I have to do it one day but I keep postponing it because of fear. My four wisdom teeth are impacted. I know my wisdom teeth need to get out since like two years ago or so. Dentist anxiety is real and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not the only one who suffers with this. I had a bad experience with a dentist in The Netherlands who called me childish and said I was acting like someone who has 15 years old. This caused me having a panic attack after the visit. This also increased my dental anxiety more.

Last September I went to the dentist here in Spain where my mother also had to do a dental implant. He is really handsome haha and also nice. He understands my anxiety and didn’t find it strange or weird that I was crying there. I know they are all 4 impacted but as the dentist here said it’s better to get it done one by one. I don’t want anyone to push me to do it so hopefully I can face this fear this Summer. Summer time is for happiness but I know I have to do it. I also felt strange things sometimes in my mouth, have a bad stomach and I’m nauseous sometimes. Maybe it is because of my wisdom teeth. I was crying these nights and being emotional also because I have my period. Maybe, I could take valium from my mother to use it when I go to the dentist. If anyone knows a tip or something I would really appeciate it. I know that at the end all my worries don’t come out. It’s just that horrible feeling of anxiety which makes me feel like I can’t cope with it. I know many people who suffer from a mental illness know how hard it is to not listen to our mind and all our worries. It isn’t so easily to snap out of it. I just can’t.

I also am still struggling with finding a job. My dream is to live and work in Spain but it’s difficult. If you want to work in the public sector in Spain you need to do an exam. Even then it is difficult to get the job. I apply for jobs in hotels on Infojobs and other websites but I don’t get an answer. I’m also so anxious to get a job because of anxiety. I just don’t know how to do it. I wish I could find a job that is meaningful and purposeful. I didn’t hear anything back from the internship interview in April. I think the hotel needed to have a confirmation for an agreement with my university. I can’t have that since I graduated two years ago. It just feels that my life is standing still while others are going on with their life. I’m just surviving. Afraid of life and afraid of death, what a way of existing.

Also Summer time is here and it’s my fav season 🌞🌊 but I also sometimes feel the pressure to be happy all the time. Anxiety doesn’t go away just because it’s Summer. I still can be anxious with things. I also don’t like the heatwave this week. Today it was 37 degrees and tomorrow it will be 41 degrees. I stayed at home today because I also don’t feel good because of this heatwave and having my period. I get these horrible cramps, feel dizzy and have headaches. Thanks to medication and paracatemol it makes it a bit better. 40 degrees is really too much for me and makes me feel sick. Together with my period it’s just the worst 😒. I hope I will survive it πŸ”₯

I really love Summer and enjoy being in the sunshine. I also love to go for walks with my mother or read a nice book or magazine on a bench or on the grass. I bought some nice books last week which I will share in a book haul soon when they arrive. Bad moments don’t go away just because it’s Summer. We have to accept that and live with it. I also can’t wait to really enjoy Summer time. I can’t wait to go surfing, swimming 🏊 and go to the beach πŸ„πŸŒŠπŸŒž. I also love blogging and penpalling. It’s important to do things we love to do and to have fun. I just hope we all can have a great Summer and enjoy it as we deserve it. I hope we will have good moments full of love, peace and happiness ✌️. I hope we can overcome the bad moments all together πŸ’ͺ We are always in this together πŸ’— It feels good to let my thoughts and feelings out here as I feel like I don’t have to carry it all on my own because that makes it too heavy.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it somehow made some sense to you. Do you also sometimes feel like life is a struggle? Can you relate to what I feel and how would you cope? Does Summer makes you feel like you have to be happy all the time? I hope you can give me some advice to overcome my fears as I would really appreciate it πŸ™πŸ’—. Thank you for always being there for me. It means the world to me. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Loving you is a loosing game πŸŽΆ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

It’s time again for a singing cover 🎢. I once shared a cover from the song Supermarket flower by Ed Sheeran in this post. I hope you all like this cover I made a few days ago. As a eurofan of Eurovision Song Contest I wanted to make a cover of Arcade from Duncan Laurence who will represent The Netherlands in Eurovision this year πŸ’—πŸŽΆπŸ‡³πŸ‡± .

You can listen to my cover here:

View this post on Instagram

Cover Arcade – @itsduncanlaurence πŸ’—πŸŽΆπŸ‡³πŸ‡± . I spent all of the love I've saved We were always a losing game Small-town boy in a big arcade I got addicted to a losing game Ooh, ooh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game @itsduncanlaurence will represent The Netherlands with this beautiful song called Arcade in Eurovision Song Contest this year. Thursday is the second semi final and I hope that Duncan will go to the finals and of course win Eurovision! Every time I listen to this song I get emotional and cry. It makes me feel so much. All the feels. It's a beautiful song and has a beautiful melody which I can't get out of my mind. The lyrics is so good too. Duncan is an amazing singer songwriter. I love him because he is so down to earth, bubbly and sensitive πŸ’• He is such a cutie. Everything about this song and about him is WOW. I can imagine how many people can relate to this song and get emotional when they listen to it. The videoclip was made in the water. His inspiration came from a loved one that passed away at an early age. She was hoping for her loved one to come back but he didn't. Arcade is a story about the search for the love of your life. It’s about the hope to reach something that seems unreachable. The water surface in the video represents the hope. The nude reflects the vulnerability and perhaps the rebirth from the hope. We all can relate to this story in our own lives too like when a dream can't be reached, when someone is dying or when you heart is broken and you are still longing for that person to come back. I really do hope The Netherlands wins after 44 years with this unbelievable beautiful song which gives me goosebumps every time I listen to it. If a song can make you feel so much emotion and if the singer also brings that emotion to the audience then for me it's definitely a winner πŸ†πŸ˜ I really want to be able to see The Netherlands and also Spain win Eurovision Song Contest for once in my life. Good luck Duncan! Whole Europe already loves you as you are still number one in the bookmakers. I guess that's already a good sign. I can't wait for Thursday and Saturday! πŸŽ‰πŸ‡³πŸ‡± Let's gooo and win yeahhh! πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—

A post shared by Sea of words 🌊 (@seaofwordsblog) on

I spent all of the love I’ve saved
We were always a losing game
Small-town boy in a big arcade
I got addicted to a losing game

Ooh, ooh
All I know, all I know
Loving you is a losing game

Duncan Laurence will represent The Netherlands with this beautiful song called Arcade in Eurovision Song Contest. Thursday is the second semi final and I hope that Duncan will go to the finals and of course win Eurovision! Every time I listen to this song I get emotional and cry. It makes me feel so much. All the feels. It’s a beautiful song and has a beautiful melody which I can’t get out of my mind. The lyrics is so good too. Duncan is an amazing singer-songwriter. I love him because he is so down to earth, bubbly and sensitive πŸ’• He is such a cutie.

Everything about this song and about him is WOW. I can imagine how many people can relate to this song and get emotional when they listen to it. The videoclip was made in the water. His inspiration came from a loved one that passed away at an early age. She was hoping for her loved one to come back but he didn’t. Arcade is a story about the search for the love of your life. It’s about the hope to reach something that seems unreachable. The water surface in the video represents the hope. The nude reflects the vulnerability and perhaps the rebirth from the hope. We all can relate to this story in our own lives too like when a dream can’t be reached, when someone is dying or when you heart is broken and you are still longing for that person to come back.

I will share again the videoclip because it’s just too beautiful to not watch it:

IT’S JUST THE BEST VIDEOCLIP I HAVE SEEN ❀ OKAY? OKAY. BYE

I really do hope The Netherlands wins after 44 years with this unbelievable beautiful song which gives me goosebumps every time I listen to it. If a song can make you feel so much emotion and if the singer also brings that emotion to the audience then for me it’s definitely a winner πŸ†πŸ˜ I really want to be able to see The Netherlands and also Spain win Eurovision Song Contest for once in my life. Good luck Duncan! Whole Europe already loves you as you are still number one in the bookmakers. I guess that’s already a good sign. I can’t wait for Thursday and Saturday! πŸŽ‰πŸ‡³πŸ‡± Let’s gooo and win yeahhh! πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—

Thank you all for reading this blog post and listening to my cover. Did you like my cover and this song? Are you going to watch Eurovision Song Contest? Which is your favourite song/artist from Eurovision this year? Let me know in the comments. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Poem: Being real about suffering from anxiety

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I just always want to be 100% honest on my blog. I don’t like to lie on here. I don’t stand people always sharing their best lives and tell people online how perfect their lives is. Life isn’t always beautiful. I love to get inspired by people who share the truth, the good and the bad. I wrote this a few days ago because that’s how I felt in that moment.

I feel a bit better now because I planned a trip with my mother for tomorrow to go to the city Leon. Spontaneous trips make me the happiest. I also love to discover new cities where I have never been to. It’s two hours by bus from Valladolid. I just booked a beautiful three stars hotel with a spa. I can’t wait to relax, swim and go in the whirlpool. I love hotels with spa. I also can’t wait to enjoy this beautiful city. Leon is famous for their delicious tapas. For a drink you get a tapa for free. It’s also famous for the cathedral which is one of the most beautiful ones in the world. I can’t wait to share you my trip with you all.

For now, I want to share with you all this poem. I feel like this sometimes. It’s really hard to suffer from anxiety but we are all in this together πŸ’ͺπŸ’—

Being real about suffering from anxiety

I feel so anxious lately

I’m doing bad again

I’m isolating myself

I’m hiding myself

I’m only seeing my family

I don’t see my friends often

Most of them are busy living their lives

I feel lost and lonely

I feel like I can’t do the everyday life things such as going to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth out or do the internship interview to work in a hotel in Spain

It all takes me too much energy

Too much anxiety

For me it’s hard but for others who aren’t suffering from a mental illness it will be easy

I believe everyone experience hard times and anxiety in their lives

For me it’s an illness, a never ending struggle which makes living so hard

I’m afraid to ask for help

I’m afraid of life

But

I’m also afraid of dying

Is that really living or existing?

I have to go on

All I can see now is darkness

I know I won’t do anything bad to myself but feeling this way is also not okay

Hopefully within time I will feel better

All I need is to get better πŸ™

To be happy again

To follow & achieve my dreams ✨🌠

I know we all can do it

For anyone else struggling right now

You are not alone

You are loved πŸ’—

We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ

Thank you for reading this blog post. Thank you for being there for me πŸ’— Did you like my poem? Can you relate to it? How are you feeling in life right now? Let me know your thoughts. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Living with trichotillomania

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I want to share a blog post about a mental health disorder which is trichotillomania. I feel ashamed to share it but I have to share it. I actually didn’t want to share this but today I find the courage and strength to share this in the hope others who are suffering from it too don’t feel alone. I also want to raise awareness and understanding. I have never been diagnosed of it but I know I have it because it isn’t normal what I do. I just feel I can share it here as it’s my safe space.

Picture of a girl pulling hair out because of trichotillomania

As you all know by reading my blog I suffer from anxiety which is hard and I’m not doing well lately. I also suffer from trichotillomania which I think is a consequence of feeling anxious. Trichotillomania is also called hair-pulling disorder, is a mental disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes or other areas of your body, despite trying to stop.

Explanation of trichotillomania

I wouldn’t pull my hair out but what I do is pulling my eyebrows and eyelashes out. I feel so ashamed and bad about it. I think I have had it all my life but lately it’s been really bad. Last year, I had basically one eyebrow in Spain because the other one I pulled almost completely out. It was really bad. I covered my face with my bangs because thanks god I have bangs otherwise everyone would have seen it.

I remember cancelling appointments with people because I felt so ashamed of it. I didn’t want my friends to see me that way. I would think that they think I’m crazy and out of control 😒 It really hurt me. Some people asked me once and I said it was an infection and that I went to the doctors. They believed me. I felt good about lying but I still made me feel bad. I wouldn’t like to see myself in the mirrow. I felt ugly because of it. Then I didn’t do it for a few months and on my birthday last year it was almost all good again. Until next time….

This year it happened again, this time it was the other eyebrow but I’m happy it grows fast but I had like open spaces. One day I was meeting my best friend in Holland and then she saw my eyebrow and said that I always had full eyebrows and asked what happened. At the end, I told her and felt so ashamed. I was so happy she understood me and said we all have our things. One is nail biting, the other one pulls their eyebrows out and the other one has another thing. My good friends know it too and respect me. They also are worried about me. I love to feel loved and it’s good to know that they care about me.

I also always think it could be worse. I never did self harm and never will do because I’m afraid of blood. I feel dizzy and nauseous when I see blood. However, what I do is also not okay and maybe I have to ask for help for it. I also would have to do that for anxiety and I’m not doing it because I’m so anxious of therapy. That’s just the truth. A few years ago I went to a sort of mental health worker in Holland and had to vomit every time I went so I don’t want to go through that again. Here I’m still so anxious about everything in life such as going through an interview in Spain for an internship in a hotel, getting my wisdom teeth pulled out one day and just everything in life. I’m not okay.

My eyebrows are kinda okay now. I searched a lot through internet and I read that castoroil would grow your eyebrows and eyelashes. It definitely does. My eyebrows have grown so much. I’m happy about that 😊. I’m not happy about this month that I begin to pull my eyelashes out as I have almost no eyelashes in one eye. It makes me feel so bad and ashamed again. My mother watch me doing it and said I make her nervous. She said just stop it but I just can’t. It’s so difficult to stop it. I hate it. I will keep using castoroil and hopefully for my next birthday the first of June I will have more eyelashes again. I feel like eyelashes grow less faster than eyebrows.

Conversation of someone having the mental illness trichotillomania

Sometimes I don’t do it for a time, could be days or even months but then I begin again and I just can’t stop until I made it so bad. I won’t share pictures because this feels already so hard to share. I hope you all don’t think I’m crazy because trust me I really wish I wouldn’t do this stupid thing. I just wish not many people will see it. Maybe, I have to buy fake eyelashes as I see many people and celebrities wearing it. I’m afraid it would destroy my eyes or hold on the growing of the eyelashes when using castoroil. I don’t know what to do. I also for now stopped using mascara as you would see that on one eye I have all my eyelashes and on one not. I love to wear make up but for now I don’t do it πŸ˜”.

Girl crying because of her illness trichotillomania

Thank you all for reading this vulnerable blog post. I feel good to share it here as I know you are always there for me. Thank you for holding space for me you have πŸ’— We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ Do you also suffer from trichotillomania? Do you have any tips? What would you do? Let me know as I would really appreciate your thoughts and help.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Reflection on 2018 & happy new year to you all! πŸŽ‰βœ¨πŸ’•πŸ’«

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Happy new year to you all! βœ¨πŸŽ‰ In this post I will talk about my 2018 and will show you how I celebrated New Year’s Eve. I’m glad I don’t have a cold amymore but just tonight I got my period so yeah that also sucks 😭 I’m glad I take medication for the cramps because otherwise I wouldn’t survive it. Besides, I’m also being anxious about my appointment of getting one of my wisdom teeth pulled out this week. I keep postponing the appointment. I know I have to do it but I’m so scared. H e l p. I also don’t want to do it in Holland. Here in Spain it’s much cheaper and the dentist understands my anxiety but I’m still so afraid and I just feel like I can’t cope. If anyone have some more tips to survive it I will be forever grateful πŸ™πŸ’• I can always take medication for anxiety if that’s enough to help me cope with it.

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We are already in 2019. A year has flown by. As usually I want to reflect on my year with this post and also write some important things for you all. Every year has its ups and downs. Every year consists of good things and bad things which happen to us. The most important thing is how we react to all these things. I know how hard it’s to stay positive in this sometimes dark world. I just keep believing that there are so many good things in the world and that there are indeed so many good people. You just have to find your tribe. I’m so glad I did.

I’m so happy with my blogging community, mental health community, Yoga Girl community and the goddess revolution community. I’m thankful that I joined these communities this year. They made me feel less alone and so much happier. If I’m in Holland I will maybe go to a meet up with some yoga girls. I also really wish that we will continue to all be friends and hopefully one day we will all meet ✨ I know the universe brought us all together for a reason which is to be connected with awesome people, share our struggles and feel supported.

I learned a lot this year. I learn every day from this world. This year I realized that there are truly lovely people who care about you and want you to be happy. I learned that it’s better to have a few good friends than a million of fake friends. The ones who love you will always be there for you no matter what. I learned that true love exists when I saw my brother getting married in August in Spain. I learned that this life is an adventure. Sometimes we win and sometimes we loose. We learn from every experience. I also learned that it’s okay if I’m not where I want to be in life. I still have a long way to go. I will find a career I love and will keep growing. It all takes time, pacience and trust in myself. I have to love myself, believe in myself and know that I can make my dreams come true such as working and living in Spain ✨

I also went to my first feminist strike in Valladolid, in Spain on International Women’s Day on the 8th of March with my mother. This was such an empowerful event. I never went to a demonstration before. I really wish 2019 will be the year that less women will be suffering from violence. I wish that women and men have the same human rights. Together we are starting a revolution. This is just the beginning. 2019 will be the year where women can be themselves, love themselves and love each other πŸ’•

This year I also learned that music is the best thing in life 🎢 I would be lost without music. I went to so many amazing concerts such as the OperaciΓ³n Triunfo 2017 concert in Madrid with my friend Maria πŸ’• OperaciΓ³n Triunfo makes me so happy and full of life. I also enjoyed the concert of Pablo Alboran, Chenoa, Hombres G and Celtas Cortos with my mother in Valladolid. I also enjoyed so much the concert of Sofia Ellar with my friend Maria. I can’t wait to see her again. It was so lovely to meet Sofia and get a picture with her. She’s the best and I can’t wait to see her singing again 😍

This year I began to read again a lot which I loved to do so much when I was younger. I will continue reading this new year. I also kept writing and being creative. I hope to create more amazing content on this blog. Writing is amazing. I travelled to Madrid, Granada, Santander and Somo. I discovered Somo which is a beautiful surfing village in the north of Spain. In 2019 I really want to go to a surf camp again πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠπŸŒž. I didn’t go surfing for more than two years. I miss it so much. It’s also so good for my mental health. The sea is my home and cleans my soul. The beach is my favourite place on this earth. I can’t wait to travel to more amazing places and meet more amazing people.

Somo, Santander (September 2018)

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Granada, Andalucia (July 2018)

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La RΓ‘bita, Mediterranean Sea, Granada (July 2018)

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Madrid (March 2018)

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Maybe for some of you this year was a hard year. Maybe some of you have lost someone close to you. Maybe you just didn’t felt okay and were struggling. I’m here for you. It’s okay to grief. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel sad. Feelings change and emotions change but it all takes time. Try to not be hard on yourself next year. Remember, I’ll will always be there for you πŸ’• I hope you will invest in self love and self care this new year because that’s the most important thing that matters. I also encourage you all to surround yourself with people who love you and who bring you only good vibes because you deserve that ✨.

I celebrated my New Year’s Eve in Valladolid, in Spain. I decided to not go out with my friends. I also didn’t go out last year. I used to party every year but I don’t feel in the mood anymore. I have to do what feels good to me. I went to the hairdressers in the afternoon to cut the dead ends, my bangs and they made curls in my hair. I love to look good for myself. I dressed up at home and did my make up. My mother and I went to the house of the mother of the wife of my brother. We celebrated all together New Year’s Eve: Rafael, my mother, VΓ©ronica, VΓ©ronica’s mother and her brother. We enjoyed eating delicious Spanish food.

We ate cheese, jamon serrano, chorizo, bread and chicken. I didn’t eat the fish because I don’t like fish so much haha πŸ˜‚ At 12 o’clock we watched the television and ate the 12 grapes. We also had champagne πŸ₯‚. It’s a tradition in Spain to eat the 12 grapes. They say it brings luck. We watched television where we were hearing beautiful music and we played Spanish card games. I really loved it so much. I love playing games with my family. At 3.30 am my mother and I went home and we stayed in watching some television. We went to bed at 6 am pretty late but doesn’t matter because it’s a special night. I’m glad I didn’t go out because as soon as we were home I got my period haha. On New Year’s Day we just stayed in and chilled. I saw the movie Grease. I just love that movie & the music so much 😍 I also saw the movie Paper Towns which I love so much from John Green. I already saw this movie with my best friend one day and loved it.

l wish you all an amazing new year full of love, happiness and luck πŸ€βœ¨βœŒοΈ Stay strong & stay safe. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ I love you all so so so much ❀️. Thank you all for reading. How was your New Year’s Eve? Did you stay at home or did you went to a party? Which are your goals or dreams to achieve in 2019? I would love to know. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

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Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

The night that music made me cry and think of the world πŸŒ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

For I begin with this post I have to say that I don’t like when they change things like they did on WordPress. I don’t understand this new system of layout blocks that much. It always takes me a lot of time to get used to these new systems…arghh technology. I always used to justify my text for my blog post because I find that more beautiful but now I can’t do that anymore. Does anyone know a solution for this? I don’t want to pay WordPress bussiness to just get a plugin for this. I also tried some key short cuts but it didn’t work out. If anyone else has this problem or know a solution I would be forever grateful. Today’s blog post will about last Saturday evening where I just couldn’t stop crying 😒. Sometimes I have those nights. I cried so much that evening and here I’m going to explain what was going on that evening. Crying is good for you and your body. Sometimes we just have to let it all go in order to move on in life and feel better. When you cry, you release emotions and tension which is build up in your body. I will always be such an emotional person. It’s just who I’m and part of me. This post will be a post full of my thoughts and emotions during that night.

It was Saturday evening. I just ate dinner with my parents. After dinner we watched “Kinderen voor kinderen” which is a Dutch children’s choir maintained by public broadcaster VARA. The translation would be “Children for children.” Every year they record a cd and sing these songs during a live show on Dutch tv. I loved the songs more in the past because it made me feel more but I still love it so much. Music is life 🎢. I will never be too old for any type of music. This will be always be part of my childhood.

Here’s one of the popular songs which was also in the charts years ago. I love the clothes and the old school microphone hahah.

Kinderen voor kinderen – Op een onbewoond eiland
(They sing about how they want to live on a island where nobody lives and where every day is a happy day 🌴🌞)

The kids sing about war, high school problems, death, anxiety, being bullied, love, broken heart, family, travelling, injustice, saving the planet, feeling lonely and just everything. They sing such great songs with touching themes. I love it so much and all these beautiful songs will be forever remembered. I felt so much nostalgia when I saw this show that day. I see this liveshow almost every year. I grew up listening to all those amazing songs. In the newest cd they sang some beautiful songs about how important it’s to save our planet, save the bees and tigers. They also sang an amazing song about being bullied. I had to cry so much but I didn’t do it with my parents. I  prefered to cry on my own upstairs.

I went upstairs and began listening to other songs from years ago. I didn’t heard some beautiful songs yet and wow damn I felt two songs so deeply. I just couldn’t stop crying 😭. I felt so emotional. It was also maybe because I only slept 6 hours that night. There were two songs which really broke my heart. They were so beautiful that I began to think, cry, replay them and sing them. They sang one song “Waarom moet ik gaan” (Why do I have to leave) which was about a girl who’s refugee and came to the Netherlands 6 years ago. She asked herself the question why she has to go back to her country where there’s war. The Netherlands is sending her back. They also sang about how they don’t understand the law. Just writing about it now makes me again tear up. Since I’m also reading The sun and her flowers from Rupi Kaur I’m thinking a lot more about this subject. Here poems are beautiful and the poems in the part of rooting are just wow so beautiful. One of my good friends is also a refugee and came from Iraq to The Netherlands. Her story is so sad and heartbreaking.

When I was listening to this song from the Dutch choir I couldn’t stop crying. The lyrics was beautiful. The melody was amazing. The story was so sad. I also don’t understand why countries have to send refugees back when there’s war in their country. If there would be a war here or in Spain, I also would want to go away from the country where there’s war and be safe. I really hope to one day be able to help this people and maybe work in a organisation that helps refugees. I can’t deal with this feeling of hopeless. I want to be able to heal this world and make this world a better place to live in. Here you can listen to this song. It’s in Dutch but music has no language, right?! The kids are so cuteee 😍.

Kinderen voor kinderen – Waarom moet ik gaan
(Why do I have to leave, a beautiful and touching song about a girl who’s refugee and has to leave The Netherlands after 6 years)

Then there was another song which also made me tear up which was called “Leef met elkaar” (Live with each other). It was about bullying. I love that they sing often about this subject because it’s so important to raise awareness about it. This song was about how important it’s to end bullying. They sing about how kids bully each other and how much it hurts. The child feels lonely and is suffering. She is afraid to go to school because they run after her. She’s a bit smaller than the rest and she doesn’t understand why she get bullied. They also sing about how amazing the world is with all their differences in colours, flowers, seasons and animals. Humans destroy it because they are bullying each other which I agree with so much. We are all unique so we have to live with each other,  love each other and be there for each other ❀.

This was exactly how I felt when I got being bullied in my teenage years. I was so afraid of going to school. I was afraid to feel lonely again at school and hear the bullies laughing about me. It made me feel so insecure. Sometimes I still feel that I can’t let this past so easily go because it still hurts me so much. It also shaped me into the person I’m now. A big influence of having anxiety and low self esteem is because I’ve been bullied. As I was listening to this song I also felt hope in my heart. I truly believe that we are all unique and that we have to embrace our differences. This world is beautiful because of all the different nationalities, races, colour, sexualities, just everything. We are all unique human beings. If everyone would be the same this world would be pretty boring. I love the diversity but also would love that everyone would be treated as equal. It’s still not the case in this world but hopefully in the future it will.

Here below you can hear the song. It’s such a beautiful song.

Kinderen voor kinderen – Leef met elkaar
(Live with each other, a beautiful song about how much bullying hurts and that we have to love each other)

Sometimes all you need is a good cry. I truly believe that the way to heal ourselves is to feel every emotion. Let’s not run away from our feelings. I continued crying in the living room with my mother by my side. She always understands me so well. Sometimes you just have to let everything out to clean yourself. I just have always had a hard time dealing with the injustice in this world. Being a highly sensitive person makes me feel everything so deeply that I just can’t move on easily from it. I always have the thought that I could do more in this world in order to make a real change. Hopefully, I will get a career that fits my personality and can make a real change for this world. I believe that I’m alive to help each other and be inspired by everyone on this planet. Together we will make this world a better place πŸ™πŸŒ Just take little steps forward. “Be the change you want to see in the world” as Gandhi says.

Thank you all for reading this post. I hope you can all understand me. Did you like the songs? Can you relate to my thoughts and emotions? Do you also sometimes tear up listening to touching songs which make you think of this world? I would love to know your thoughts on this. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I wish I was normal

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

This blog post will be just a rambling of thoughts about how I wish to be normal while living with an anxiety disorder. I will share my thoughts and feelings about this. I just need to vent because it always makes my mind feel less heavy. Only on this blog and on my instagram page Sea of words blog I can be myself. I feel I can be 100% real, honest and vulnerable on here. This is my safe space. So thank you all so much for holding space for me to be myself without any filters. This is me with all my messy thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes I wish I was normal. I wish I wasn’t a person who lives with an anxiety disorder. I wish I wasn’t crazy. Maybe, I’m not a crazy person but my anxiety tells me that I’m crazy for constantly worrying about everything in life. Constantly feeling like something bad will happen. Those thoughts makes me overthink and prefer to stay at home then to face people and feel uncomfortable. That’s how I feel most of the time. I wish I was normal to do the every day things in life without feeling constantly anxious or feeling uncapable of doing it. I wish I could live a normal life like normal people do. That’s my wish.

I wish I wasn’t that girl who is so afraid of the dentist, searching for a job and knowing what I want in life. I wish I wasn’t afraid of the unknown, of changes and of people. I wish I wasn’t afraid of looking people in the eyes. I wish I wasn’t that girl who’s afraid of her own shadow. Life is hard but for people with a mental illness it’s even harder. It’s just the truth. Everyone will struggle in their lives but having a mental illness makes everything 100000 times worse. It’s a constant battle with your mind every day. Fighting a war which is inside your head is so exhausting. Everything feels so difficult and heavy. The worst part is that there are still so many people who don’t take these illnesses serious. Even though a mental illness is invisible doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

I wish I could just live a normal life, not being afraid of taking a job, having my life together and maybe have a relationship again. It’s already been almost 6 years since my first love left me. I’ve been feeling so alone all these time. With time it gets better but I still feel pretty lonely. I wish I was normal. Normal people go to school, have jobs and have their life together not like me who is sleeping much or thinking their time away. Normal people have fun and don’t care about what other people think of them. I have all the time negative thoughts of myself like people will laugh about me and judge me. Normal people don’t have such a loud inner critic who tells them all the time how they aren’t worth it and how they aren’t enough.

Normal people aren’t crazy in their mind like me. Who wants to be with someone who’s anxious all the time? Who wants to be with someone who always think of the worst thing? Who wants to be with someone who’s always overthinking? Normal people don’t overthink 24/7 all the time. Normal people go on with their lives when something bad happens even though they can be sad. I’m a highly sensitive person and when something bad happens to me it takes me such a long time to heal from it and go on with life. I can’t just go on with life and pretend nothing has happened. I just can’t. If you take away my sensitivity I wouldn’t be me so that makes me who I’m. I’m still learning to live with it and embrace this. Even though I may suffer more in life I also experience life in a beautiful way. I feel everything so deeply and life is all about feeling your feelings, right?

Having an anxiety disorder doesn’t make me who I’m. I have an anxiety disorder but I’m not anxiety. It isn’t part of my personality even though sometimes I think it’s. It’s an illness. Maybe I’m not that crazy as I think I’m. Maybe, normal people don’t exist and we all are crazy but don’t say it out loud. We all have to go through struggles day by day. Life is beautiful but also so hard for everyone. The best way I can be is to be myself. It’s not that I want to have an anxiety disorder. I didn’t choose for it. I got sick like someone who gets the flu or someone who has cancer.

What’s being normal? If everyone acts in a correct way life would be pretty borring. The people who are standing out from the crowd are mostly the ones who are the most beautiful, amazing and honest people ever. We need authentic people who are brave enough to share their stories, struggles, thoughts and feelings. We are here to feel it all. I wish to also be able to learn to live with my anxiety and be able to cope better in life. I hope I will get better but recovery takes time. My medication as in antidepressants and anti anxiety medication helps me but maybe I have to also try therapy even though it makes me feel anxious too.

I will be my beautiful self even though it might means that I feel different than other people because hey that’s okay. Life is strange too. We are born out of the blue put into this blue planet 🌍 where the sun circles around us 🌞. That’s pure magic. We are the stars from the universe 🌠. We are made out of magic and magic doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be real. Being a mess is okay. I will be that star that shines in the dark times and be there for you all. Let’s be crazy together because life is way too short to be just like a normal person.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all liked this little rambling/story. Could you relate to it? Did you like it? Do you also wish to be like a normal person or do you prefer to be an awesome crazy person? Let me know in the comments. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ❀,

xoxo Christina

Bad feelings & thoughts πŸ˜’

Hey beautiful people ❀,

I wrote this last night. I wanted to write a travel blog post about Madrid but will share that another time. I feel really bad right now and I just had to share it somewhere so I thought my blog would be the best way to share what I’m experiencing right now in my life. Since June 2017 I’m living with my mother in Valladolid, in Spain. My parents aren’t divorced. My father is living in The Netherlands. My mother is in Spain because she is busy doing a dental implant. I graduated college in August but got my official degree in December 2017, just 3 months ago. I’m searching for a job well in fact I’m searching but not applying and I’m not telling anyone that. As you know from my blog, I suffer from anxiety for like my whole life.

Since February 2017 I take 20 mg of antidepressants Lantanon and I also got subscriped a benzo when I feel really high anxiety. I almost don’t experience that anymore but I still suffer from anxiety. Maybe, I will forever suffer from anxiety but just have to learn how to cope with it. Back to the point why I write this blog post. My father came to visit us in November and it was all well. In December 2017, my mother and I went to The Netherlands to celebrate Christmas with the whole family which was awesome. Now, my father is here again for like two weeks. He leaves the 31 of March. Right now, I’m my room of the appartment and just can’t stop crying. I get along much better with my mum than with my dad. I just feel like I can tell my mum everything without any form of judgment or being anxious. She always understands me and supports me. I can always tell her secrets which she doesn’t tell my dad because otherwise he would get angry.

My father had an acute pancreatitis when I was 11 years old. He has been going to hospitals for 5 years. He got many operations and was really sick. Right now, he has diabetis. I know I love him and was afraid of loosing him. I have a good relationship with both of my parents but there’s still something with my dad that just never clicks. Right now, I feel the need to run away from home. Everything was okay until today he was talking about the fact that I have to go to the dentist. I already have for like two years caries in one of my wisdom teeth and also one of my wisdom teeth is not growing well… that kind of problems. I have a huge fear of dentists. I think he just don’t understand that.

Once I had to go to a special dentist clinic in The Netherlands to do a root canal treatment. When I was 11 years old I fall down on one of my teeth. If I didn’t do the root canal treatment a few years ago, my tooth would get infected. I’m a highly sensitive person which means that I’m extremely sensitive for everything. I felt anxious for months before this treatment. The day before I almost didn’t sleep and felt so nauseous. The first day I went to get to know this special dentist he said that I’m childish and am like 15 years old. Since that point, my fear of the dentist became extremly high. When I went to do this treatment it didn’t hurt and he didn’t say anything wrong to me again. That comment before made me feel so bad and anxious like I almost couldn’t breath. I said to my parents that I was going to the beach alone. I couldn’t stop crying. After that day, I still went to the root canal treatment which was in a few months. I remember that on the day itself I took valium and felt so dizzy and my father just didn’t understand it.

It’s just like now. He just said you must go to the dentist. I know I have to go so that I will not have problems and no infection but I fucking suffer from anxiety. Pushing me to do something which scares me as hell isn’t helping me at all. He is just blaming me for not taking care of myself and for not listening to him. Afterwards, he said I don’t mind what my children are doing with their lives. If you have problems with your tooth, you will have to pay it by yourself. I’ve a bit of savings but not much because I don’t work…. Maybe he was just being grumpy and I make everything in my mind 10000 worse than it’s but that’s me…. I’m also afraid he is going to push me with the fact that I don’t have a job. Once in December 2017, he said like yeah you have to do something for it, it doesn’t come on it’s own. It just always feel like I’m worthless and lazy and can’t get my life together. It’s not that I don’t want go to the dentist or get a job. I suffer from anxiety and am a highly sensitive person. For me those daily activities which for some people are easy, are for me very hard and difficult. Right now, I feel again that feeling like my life is worthless. I didn’t shared those feelings these last months with you all. I’m so sorry but I don’t want to make this blog an unhappy place.

I have never been suicidal but thoughts of my life is worthless and what’s the point of it all and why I’m not good enough are sometimes in my head. Right now, they are. My father also said that he doesn’t care what his children will do with their lives. We were talking about if I would marry an older men. I said that I wouldn’t do that. He said he wouldn’t like it and then I said something like it’s my life and I’m like 25 years old on the first of June and then he said angry like he doesn’t care if I don’t go to the dentist and it’s my life blablabla. My father always have had a hard character and could get angry really fast. He changed a lot but I’m still afraid. I dislike that so much and can’t stand it because I always feel below him. One of my brothers ran away from house because he only was fighting with my dad and they never were on one line. My brother was wearing long hair and didn’t want to finish high school and my father couldn’t stand it and then there would be a fight. I know running away is not an option and they were both wrong. My father didn’t talk or saw my brother for like 3 years. Now, everything is allright again. I’m really happy about that. My other brother had problems with my father because of not doing enough at home/having his own routine and then my father would make a calendar and cross every day until the day he had to leave our house.

This all makes me so scared. I feel my heart beating really fast. I don’t want to experience that. I told this all to a kinda social worker where I went for some therapy sessions a few years ago in The Netherlands. She said that I wouldn’t have to be afraid because he won’t do that to a girl like he is more protective. She also said to me that I’m not my parents and that this is my life. She also explained to me that most of all when a person is angry this person is not feeling good about themselves and then acts angry to you. I guess I agree with that because when my father has high diabetis he can also act kinda strange and grumpy. I hope I can have one day a home, get a nice job, pay my own bills and hopefully have a soulmate which who I can share my life with and have a family with. All I want is to be happy. I love both of my parents so much but I just don’t like that my father doesn’t understand me, blame me for everything which cause me anxiety. Right now, I can’t wait till I can peacefully live with my mother again. When I had a boyfriend I didn’t tell them one day that I slept in a hotel. When they knew it, my father was angry for one month and didn’t talk to me and said that I’m a whore. He also don’t like when I wear a red lipstick. He also judges people who wear tattoos. I really dislike that.

You can be who you want to be and follow the dreams you want to achieve. Never let anyone judge you, also not your parents. You are perfect just the way you are. I’m feeling a bit better now I’ve written this piece of text. Crying and writing are such important healing tools. Let it all go…. It’s just I really love my parents and all what they do for me but I can’t stand this behaviour and it has a big effect on my anxiety. It makes it so much worse. I hope I didn’t ramble too much but I just felt the need to write this because I’m feeling bad, anxious and sad right now. Have you ever experienced this or something similar? Feel free to comment. If you know some tips feel free to comment aswell. Nothing works in this situation. I always just hide myself, cry and ignore and say yes even though I don’t agree on points…..

Thank you all for making my life better and this world a better place to live in.

I love you all, my community ❀

xoxo Christina

Sometimes I really miss my childhood πŸ˜’πŸ’•πŸ‘ΈπŸŒˆπŸŒ 

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

I wanna talk in this blog post about how I miss my childhood sometimes. I think many bloggers can relate to this aswell, if of course you had a good childhood. Not everybody has that privilige especially kids in underdeveloped countries which I find so sad 😒. I remember one time that I made a box with toys and gave it to a church and they send it to those kids. They were so happy. They even wrote a card back to me. That just made my day! πŸ’•

This is little me, don’t know how old, maybe 5/6. I was dressing up as a beautiful princess haha πŸ‘‘πŸ‘Έ I always liked to play that. I would still do that for a theme party. It’s just so fun. I really like to dress up. I can’t wait to celebrate Halloween this Saturday with my friends here in Spain and dress up like a witch like I do ever year πŸ˜‚.

Sometimes I really do miss being this little. If I think of it I cry a bit. This was the time that I could be myself without a damn care in the world. This was the time that I could wake up at Christmas day and just be sooooo full of excitment. You know that feeling?! That’s just so beautiful. I still love Christmas so much but while having anxiety I find it sometimes stressing to be surrounded by all my family and get asked questions about what I’m doing with my life, career and all that stuff. I just don’t know what to say then. Back then nobody asked those questions. Life was just so simple. I really miss that. I could be happy with little things. As you grow older into an adult it all has to be big things such having a great job, a great partner and so on. Life is made about all those little things. 

This picture was made during Sinterklaas. I always made these crazy moves with my hand haha πŸ˜‚ This is a feast which we celebrate on the 5th of December. He brings presents to the kids. It’s so lovely that we all believed in this. We all believed in Sinterklaas, Santa Claus and The three kings when it wasn’t true. I was really shocked when I knew my parents were the ones who gave me presents. It was that time that I started not to believe the things people were telling me. I felt like everything was a lie. I was 8 years old. It’s just so magical to believe in all of this as a little child. 

That time I turned five years old. I love that the table is covered with images of beer hahaha xD. 

Everything was fun when I was little. I didn’t had periods pain. I played a lot and met great friends in primary school. I was really happy this time. It was at high school that I got bullied and things just changed. It was then that I knew the world wasn’t so colourful as I imagined. It was dark sometimes and sometimes really dark. I got a boyfriend when I was 17 and then at 19 he broke up with me and my whole life felt apart. I’m going to write about that love story in another blog post. It all felt apart in just in one second.

I miss this time where I could be innocent. I miss this time because I felt safe and loved in this wold. I didn’t knew anything yet about the dangers of the world. I just felt so happy and free like everything is fun and could smile and laugh the whole day. I miss this time because my heart was full of love and not broken. I miss this time because I wasn’t afraid of anything. I didn’t know the concept of fear in life. I was climbing on the trees and I didn’t think of falling out of the tree. That thought just didn’t came into my mind. If I would do that now, I would think of being careful and only do it if it will be 100% safe to do because I don’t wanna get hurt. When you are a child you just don’t think of all that stuff. 

What I really do miss is not being able to just not think about one second and not to worry all the time. Now I’m 24, and I worry so much. I guess I believed in too many fairytales. We all have so much to do in life and have to rush to do all those stuff. Adults seem to not be able to enjoy the present moment anymore and just sit still and do yoga and meditate. Those are such great tools to get that present moment and peaceful feeling back.

This picture was made during a holiday in Spain. I love the swing and still play on that sometimes. I just such a carefree feeling. 

This picture was also made in Spain in the Basque country. I was supporting these people hahaha πŸ˜‚

I have grown up with scars in my heart with being bullied in high school, having my heart broken and my father who almost died when I was 11 years old. This all caused me so much anxiety and sadness in life. After all, I’m thankful that this happened to me. It was all so hard but it shaped me. After my first love left me I couldn’t be happy and now after almost 5 years I’m able to be happy again. I now I won’t be this little innocent girl anymore but I have learnt from this all.

I learnt that life isn’t a fairytale but that it’s still so beautiful. We can make it beautiful. Its important to have deep and meaningful relationships with your family and friends. I learnt that we can add colour into our lives. I learnt that your family will always love you no matter how old you are. Your family will always be there for you πŸ’–

Those are my two older brothers. I love them till infinity and beyond. The middle: Rafael is 39 and the left one called Edward is 35. Edward is married and has a beautiful two years old daughter so yeahhh I’m already aunt! πŸ’•πŸ’–πŸ˜ Rafael has a Spanish girlfriend now for two years. 

I learnt that its normal to get nostalgic and sometimes wanna go back in time but its the past. We have to let it all go and move on. The future will be bright, it really will be 🌠 I learnt that we still have that child in our hearts. It’s still there but we have to set it free and be creative. I know the dangers of the world and am more careful but I still believe in the good people. I may be a real princess one day, who knows haha. What I really know is that I will be a dreamer & hippie for life. My heart will always be full of love and light because I so believe that even though the world can be seem really dark, there’s always a light that is shining out there πŸ’«

This is me also in Spain, Basque country in the garden of my lovely Spanish family 😍

Much love,

Christina xoxo 

Would you be friends with people who spoke to you the way you speak to yourself? πŸ’­

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

I saw this picture on Tumblr. This is just so true. We spend so much time doubting, hating and making fun of ourselves. Instead, we should love ourselves more for what we are. I can relate to this so much. I find it hard too. I remember so many times that I have said to myself that I’m not good enough or other bad thoughts such as that I’m not looking good or that I’m not beautiful. I still find it hard to trust these thoughts. However, I learned to not trust “this voice” in my head all the time even though it’s really difficult sometimes.

If a friend would spoke to me the way I speak to myself sometimes, I really wouldn’t be their friend anymore. How can you be friends with someone who is constantly saying negative things about you?! You don’t wanna be around with such a negative person. Why do we find it so damn easy to say things like we aren’t worth it, we aren’t good enough, we aren’t pretty like her/him to ourselves? We would never ever say that to a friend. We know those are bad thoughts πŸ’­.

I think the reason why we find it so easy to say those things to ourselves lies also in society and media. We always see those perfect famous people; with all their glamour and perfect bodies that we increase this mis conception of not feeling good about ourselves. We see those lives and we feel like we aren’t good enough. We scroll through social media and see all those perfect people and wanna be like them. It ain’t perfect. They have problems too but only the good parts are showed. That’s media. Trust me, being famous isn’t always a happy life if you look to the facts that many famous people can’t cope with their lives and take a lot of drugs, alcohol and even suicide…. I find that really sad. 

Society increase those feelings of not feeling good enough constantly. We are so much aware of it. We see those examples in magazines, on social media, on television, just everywhere. It really annoys me. We have to excercise a lot, look skinnier, gain much money, have a perfect job, have a perfect family, travel to the best places on earth, buy a bigger house… It’s always about having more and being better. I don’t like that about our competitive society. It’s never good enough. 

I love this poem which I found on Google. It shows us how society will always find something to tear us down and how we would never be good enough. We shouldn’t listen to that negative voice but focus on how to feel good about ourselves.

Instead we should focus on what we have and achieve inner peace. Inner peace will bring us to self love. If we are happy about ourselves, we also focus on making good choices for our lives. If we feel good in our skin, we will excersise and eat healthy but not to be skinnier. I hate those fitness and diet pages so much. It only increase that negative feeling about yourself. I’m a believer of making good choices for yourself just to feel about yourself. If you all the time try to be skinnier and skinnier, you will never feel happy. It will never be good enough. 

We can eat healthier and do things we love just to feel good about ourselves and increase our health but not to obtain a certain imaginary goal which can’t never be achieved.

Fuck whats society tells you. Don’t believe them. You are good enough. You are beautiful with all your curves. Be proud of yourself. If you have a bad thought coming into your head of not being good enough, you could think of the things what makes you YOU. You are unique and have so many good qualities. You can be romantic, sensitive, kind, social, compasionate… Those are all good qualities. I know you must have all of these too and so muh more πŸ’«

Being beautiful for me means not something temporary like the looks of a person. No. Being beautiful for me means how a person thinks and feels. Being beautiful goes beyond someone’s looks. It’s all about their qualities and dreams in life. Take all the superficial things away and you have that beautiful person. Being beautiful lays down in your soul. Looks will fade away with the years, but that personality and soul will always stick with you for the rest of your life.

Let the world talk. Make good choices for yourself and always out of love. Love yourself for what you are. Stop doubting about yourself. Know you are worth it and achieve all the dreams that you have. 

Believe in yourself, because YOU are beautiful and good enough. Never ever doubt that πŸ’œπŸ’‹

Much love,

xoxo