World Mental Health Day 2020 πŸ’šπŸ’ͺ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today is World Mental Health Day. Mental health is important every damn day. Mental health is as important as physical health. Today I want to share a poem about mental health. I’m here for you all πŸ™πŸ’ž. This year is even harder for all of us because of being more isolated this year. More people died by suicide and are struggling with their mental health because of the pandemic. I definitely feel this year is really such a struggle. It’s important that we all help each other.

Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness on a daily basis. I can say that we are done about speaking up. It’s time to change the whole mental health care system. The waiting lists are too long, the help is too late at times and there are no funds for good treatments. This is a worldwide issue which definitely need to change in all countries. Voting a political party which listen to our needs could make a change. There needs to be done so much in our society until everyone can get the help they need whenever they need it.

I’m so thankful for the support I have here online. I love the blogging mental health community. I love the support I get from my family especially my mother. She knows how to care for me and love me especially on the days I feel bad. I love my friends, pen pals and online friends so much too. I take anti anxiety meds when I need them like when I go to the dentist, have to fly or any other situation which makes me anxious and out of control. Everyone deals with it on their own way. There’s no right way. I don’t know whether I will go therapy once and that would help me. It’s also not okay to push someone into doing something they don’t think would help. Healing and recovery isn’t linear and it different for everyone. I think sometimes we just have to find a way with living with it. Writing, doing yoga, blogging, singing, listening to music, being with my loved ones, walks in nature, the sea, surfing, reading, meditation, speaking with someone I trust are all important tools that make me feel better. I hope you also have some great resources that will help you in your life. Mental health illnesses are so complexed, different and hard to treat. I guess at one point it will get better. We have to fight for that day and stay together.

This is the most vulnerable video I made. It’s a spoken poem for today. I hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggle and know that we are all in this together ❀️πŸ’ͺ I love you all so much.

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Today it's World Mental Health Day. This has to be every day and not just one day in a year. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness on a daily basis. I can say that we are done about speaking up. It's time to change the whole mental health care system. The waiting lists are too long, the help is too late at times and there are no funds for good treatments. This is a worldwide issue which definitely need to change in all countries. Voting a political party which listen to our needs could make a change. There needs to be done so much in our society until everyone can get the help they need whenever they need it. This is the most vulnerable video I made. It's a spoken poem for today. I hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggle and know that we are all in this together ❀️πŸ’ͺ I love you all so much. I close my eyes All I see and feel is darkness I feel lost I'm not myself anymore My chest feels tight I'm breathing faster My heart rate is racing So many thoughts about the future I'm nauseous I'm getting dizzy Cold Warm I'm getting crazy Why can't I just feel like a normal person? I began to cry What's happening to me? This is what it feels to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks It's the worst 1 of 5 people suffer on a daily basis with their mental health Depression, bipolar, borderline, eating disorder, psychoses, anxiety, ocd Any person can suffer from one or more of them They all matter No matter your nationality, gender, age, race Mental illnesses are real There's no need to shame What we need is compassion, support and respect A better mental health system Every illness counts Time is ticking It's time to save lives Change the mental health care system We don't want more deaths We want better treatments available for all Because We all deserve to feel safe, loved and get the help we need whenever we need it Our time is now Let's all fight for a better system and society We are not alone We are all in this together always πŸ’ͺ❀️ We are warriors πŸ’ͺ Love you all Amen β€οΈπŸ™

A post shared by Sea of words 🌊 (@seaofwordsblog) on

I close my eyes
All I see and feel is darkness
I feel lost
I’m not myself anymore
My chest feels tight
I’m breathing faster
My heart rate is racing
So many thoughts about the future
I’m nauseous
I’m getting dizzy
Cold
Warm
I’m getting crazy
Why can’t I just feel like a normal person?
I began to cry
What’s happening to me?

This is what it feels to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks
It’s the worst
1 of 5 people suffer on a daily basis with their mental health
Depression, bipolar, borderline, eating disorder, psychoses, anxiety, ocd
Any person can suffer from one or more of them
They all matter
No matter your nationality, gender, age, race
Mental illnesses are real
There’s no need to shame
What we need is compassion, support and respect
A better mental health system
Every illness counts
Time is ticking
It’s time to save lives
Change the mental health care system
We don’t want more deaths
We want better treatments available for all
Because
We all deserve to feel safe, loved and get the help we need whenever we need it
Our time is now
Let’s all fight for a better system and society
We are not alone
We are all in this together always πŸ’ͺ❀️
We are warriors πŸ’ͺ
Love you all
Amen β€οΈπŸ™

Remember, you are never alone. Like Ram Dass says, we are walking each other home. We are here for each other. I really wouldn’t know where I would be without all of you. My blog. My safe space. It’s so good to have a place where you feel like you can be yourself. I never felt this way before. I have always felt the feeling that I don’t belong anywhere. I never felt at home until I went to NYC and spoke at the United Nations and when I did my internship in Valladolid. Those places reminded me that good people exists. I also never felt at home until I began this blog. I didn’t knew so many awesome, inspirational and good people exists. Sometimes we forget it because of all what’s going on in the world. When there’s so much negative news we sometimes go into a dark hole and can only see the negative side of this world. I’m happy that thanks to blogging I know there are so many people who want you to be happy, healthy and will support you along your way.

Thank you a million times for always being there for me. There will be good and hard times in life. As long as we are together we will be fine because we will support each other along the way in this crazy adventure called life. I hope we can all meet one day, have deep talks and enjoy life together. I can’t wait to see you all making your wildest and biggest dreams coming true. I will always be cheering you from the side. You are not alone. You are kind. You are loved. Always remember too, you are enough. Don’t let society make you feel like you are not. Your mental health illness doesn’t define you as a person. I sometimes also feel like I’m an anxious person but it’s more like I suffer from anxiety. I’m not my anxiety. We aren’t our illness. We are much more than that. It isn’t our choice to be sick.

Thank you all for reading and watching my video. I hope it made you feel less alone and inspired you 🌌🌠. What do you think need to change in the mental health care system? What does make you feel better? How are you feeling now? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I just want to be truly happy

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I need to write some thoughts I have lately on my mind down here. I always am 100% honest and vulnerable because this is my safe space. I’m so thankful for all your support and for all of you being there for me πŸ™πŸ’–. It means the most to me. Right now, I just don’t feel okay. It’s not like that I feel really bad but I’m also not feeling really good. It’s a strange feeling. I also have headaches and can’t wait to soak up some sunshine 🌞 when I will go again to Spain in two months. This grey and rainy weather affects my mood and mental health so much 😒. I will tell you all about it in this blog post. I hope I’m not the only one feeling this way.

I feel lonely lately because I don’t leave the house much and if I leave the house I just go to the park or go shopping with my mother. I don’t see my friends a lot 😒. I feel isolated and bored. They are all busy. I just see some friends here or in Spain a few times in a month. Sometimes I feel I do all the effort in friendship/relationships. I’m so done with that because I can’t do that anymore. I’m a highly sensitive person and all my life I have felt that I love and do more for others than people do for me. I’m the helper. I’m the fixer. It’s nice to help others but I also would love that people do the same for me. Of course, I’m so thankful for my family especially my mother and my good friends in real life and online who are always there for me πŸ’–πŸ™Œ.

I just wish to meet more people in real life too. I want to share my struggles and open up. I love to do it here online but sharing your stuff with a person face to face is the most vulnerable thing ever. It’s so good to do that and I really miss that right now in my life πŸ˜”. I love my pen pals, blogging friends and friends I know from the Yoga Girl community but those are all people living far away from me. I really would love to be able to teletransport myself so that we could be together having fun and talking about real life topics. I know one day that dream will become true even though it may cost some time πŸ™βœ¨.

I also just feel like I’m just floating or trying to survive in life. I feel lost for so many years already and I just can’t see how to go out of that space. Lately I feel bored, uninspired and so tired about everything. I’m happy I faced my fear of going to the dentist last month in Spain but I still need to get three wisdom teeth out 🦷. I still need to face that fear three times more. I still need to get a job which just doesn’t seem to go well with me. I thought of maybe teaching kids English or Spanish. Life just feels like a never ending struggle. As I’m reading right now Looking for Alaska I feel that kind of struggle. It’s hard to feel it and to be in this space.

I also know that what I want from life is just to be truly happy. I want to be happy with myself. I have spend so many years being my own enemy that I’m done with it. It’s just to hard to heal in that way because whenever I feel anxious I doubt myself and say the worst things about myself. My inner-critic becomes loud and says that I’m not worth it, that I’m lazy for not having a job, that I’m not loved by anyone and that eventually everyone will leave me. This of course only makes me feel worse. Being bullied in high school caused me to have anxiety and these kinds of thoughts too. I have to listen more to my inner-bestfriend who tells me that I’m loved, worth it and that my worth has nothing to do whether I’m productive or not.

I also feel like I wouldn’t be happy with a 9 to 5 life or a routine. I feel like I would feel bored in one second. I want more out of life. I love adventure, travelling and meeting people which is sometimes a contrast of me having anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t form part of my personality even though sometimes I think it does because that voice gets so loud. The thing is that I have so many dreams but just never know how to make them happen because of insecurities, anxiety and just have no clue to make it all work. I would love to write a book πŸ“πŸ“–, travel the world 🌍, be able to surf the waves πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠ and sometimes I even thought of being a singer. However, then I thought oh no that’s nothing for me because I don’t like attention. I don’t know if I would be happy if I would be famous.

Sometimes I love to isolate myself, hide myself, do yoga or meditation and just read books, write for my blog and write letters to my friends. There are also days that I like to go out, go to concerts with my friends and just have fun. I can be all of those things and don’t have to choose between one of another. I just wish I could really speak up more in real life and let myself seen. I have still a hard time doing that. I know it will make me happier in the long term.

Maybe we all know nothing of life and we are just trying to look like we have our life together when we don’t. Social media doesn’t give you a real view of what real life is. Sometimes I think of deleting it all as I tend to compare myself to others so much which ends up in feeling depressed and anxious of not having achieved certain milestones in life such as having a job, being married, having children and owning a car and a home. Then I always think to myself, is that what life is about? When you have all of that you are suppose to be “happy”. I really don’t know if all of that would make me happy to be honest.

Life for me is all about experiences, travels and connecting with wonderful people. I think what we miss right now in this society is trully being connected with someone and sharing our feelings. What I need right now is to be able to share my feelings and thoughts with someone. We all need to be able to laugh, cry, get a hug and have a real life connection. With the rise of social media this lack of connection is becoming a more serious issue. I love blogging and I love writing letters because the connection with someone is much stronger than writing a stupid whatsapp message. The next best thing is of course seeing that person. Maybe, that’s why I feel lonely too this month. I just wish that I can find my own happiness in life and achieve my dreams 🌠. We all deserve to be happy. Anxiety will never win. I have to believe in myself more and know that I will achieve my dreams. Thank you all for always being there for me because really that means the most to me. One day I will give you the biggest hug ever. I love you all so much πŸ˜πŸ€—πŸ’ž.

Thank you all for reading my blog post. I hope you liked it and it inspired you in some way. Do you also feel lost in life sometimes? How do you deal with it? Do you miss connection in your life too? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

World Suicide Prevention Day πŸ•―οΈπŸ’—πŸ™

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I wrote this for World Suicide Prevention Day and shared it on Instagram but never here. It was 10 September but it’s never too late to share it here too. September is also Suicide Prevention Month. It’s an important topic that has to be spoken about. Also as I consider myself a menta health blogger and advocate I keep on writing about this topic. I also suffer from anxiety as you know by now so writing about it makes me feel less alone. We can be there for each other. We have to be vulnerable, honest and help each other. Only then can we all heal in this world πŸ™πŸ’•βœ¨.

Today is an important day because it’s World Suicide Prevention Day. This has to be important every day, not only just today. There are two important projects/organizations which help people in need with the prevention of suicide which are TWLOHA and the Proyect Semicolon. It’s important that organizations and also NGO’s help all the people in need. There still has to be a lot of improvement in the help we all need. Waiting lists are way too long, help is not always available in the right time and also the treatment is not being right sometimes. So there still need to change a lot in the mental health sector to be better accessible for everyone in need πŸ’—.

Suicide is still one of the main causes of death in this world. More than 800.000 people die each year by suicide. That’s one person every 40 seconds. Women tend to have more suicidal thoughts whereas there are more men who die by suicide. Men are more silence about their struggles than women. I believe in equality so everyone has the right to speak up about their emotions or feelings regardless their gender. Speaking up is a sign of strength and is not a weakness. Crying is also not a weakness. We all cry. Sometimes we hold so much in us that at the end we fell apart. That means that you have been strong for way too long. It’s okay to fall apart as we find ourselves back with breaking apart and letting ourselves go. Let it all go ✨.

I think a person who has a mental illness can have suicidal thoughts. It’s more easier for them as they are already struggling with their mental health. I suffer from anxiety myself and also have these thoughts sometimes. I know that I will not act on it so I feel like my struggles don’t even matter. You have to know that no problem is worse than any other problem, how little or big it. We all matter and what we feel is real. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I just wish we would treat every mental illness with respect, compassion and understanding. Everyone deserve help and every experience is valid. Not because someone has it worse than you means that your feelings and thoughts don’t count.

I’m blessed for all the beautiful and amazing people I know in my life, online and in real life. Thank you for the friends and family who are always there for me ❀️ . I will also be there for anyone in this world who need to speak up about it. I still feel like I can speak about it easier online or with people who really understand me. It’s still somehow a taboo and this needs to end. The only way to help each other is to be able to speak up about our struggles in our mental health. We all have physical and mental health. We can all suffer from it and can suffer from a mental illness. It has no race, gender, sexuality or nationality.

The point is suicide is everywhere around us. We can’t close our eyes and act like we don’t see it. I really hate how people care about others when it’s too late. We have to check on our loved ones when we see the signs to be able to prevent suicide. Not all is lost if we keep raising awareness about it. Also instutions and mental health centers have to be able to help people in need whenever they need it. Nowadays I hear a lot of bad stories of how there’s only help available when it’s almost too late and also stories that doesn’t end well. You matter and your feelings are valid. When you are in crisis you need to be able to get the help you need in that moment and you deserve to have a great treatment afterwards to not fall back into crisis again. Also I think suicide prevention is very important. Workers in the mental health sector have to intervent early such as with suicide prevention. This hopefully could lead to less people dying by suicide.

I really know we can help each other and make this world a better place to live in if we all commit to it πŸŒπŸ’—πŸ™. There needs to be help available for everyone who needs it. I hope that I can help these people in the future. I hope to be of service for those who need it. Tomorrow needs me because my purpose in life is to heal myself while helping others. Remember, you are loved. You are worth it. You are enough even if you don’t feel that all the time. You really are SO enough. The world is brighter because of YOU! We need the darkness in life to find the light at the end of it. You are never alone πŸ’—. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ

Thank you all for reading this important blog post. What do you think of suicide prevention? Do you think it would help? What do you think needs to change in the mental health sector to be it accessible for everyone? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Poem: Life is unfair

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I wrote this a few days ago because I was feeling emotional and had to cry. It’s about an illness you all know: cancer. I wrote a poem about it too.

Lately I can’t sleep well so last night was not an exception. What do I do when I can’t sleep? Writing, writing and writing. I love to write especially poems as well. When there’s so much in my mind I need to let it go. You know that feeling that even though when you are struggling yourself you want to help people who are struggling too? That feeling of impotence is what I feel right now. It makes me even feel guilty to have fun in life sometimes because I see so much pain in this world which breaks my whole heart πŸ’”πŸ˜’

I’m really feeling all the feels. I feel emotional and I also feel anger. Life is so unfair. I cried when I heard the awful news that Lisa from my choir died from cancer which I wrote in this post. I cried when I heard that my neighbour died last month because of cancer. I cried when I heard that someone I know very well has cancer now. Here I’m crying again because Lisanne has another form of cancer again 😒 It’s just so awful. She has neuroblastoma and now she has leucemia too. Lisanne is almost 6 years old. She is a child from a man which I know from my choir too. I’m thinking that this could happen to any child like my niece too.

I just had to write this poem in respect for everyone who has lost someone because of cancer or is going through this sickness. I also shared it on my poetry account seaofwordsx. I’m here for you all πŸ’—. In the past I donated money for a cancer organization and also for the organization for neuroblastoma. I will keep doing that in the future because I hope that that will cure more people of cancer πŸ™.

I’m always here for anyone who needs me. I love to help people and will keep doing that forever. We are always in this together πŸ’ͺ I’m sending you all my love and strength. I love you all so so so much πŸ’ž

Thank you all for reading this blog post and my poem. I hope you liked it and it inspired you ✨. Did you love my poem? Do you also know someone who suffers from cancer? Do you also sometimes feel impotence when you see so many people suffering in the world and you don’t know how to help them? I will speak you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Spanish spoken poetry: Venezuela will be free πŸ’—πŸ™

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I just had to write this poem about what’s happening in Venezuela right now. I made a spoken poetry video of it. It breaks my heart and I cry about it πŸ’”πŸ˜­ I always feel inspired to write when something touches my heart. I’m not from Venezuela and never been there but I can feel their pain. I’m a sensitive person.

I find it so hard to understand why someone would not want to help their citizens. It’s just so inhumane. The citizens need help, food and medications. There are so many people dying in Venezuela. I really hope a solution will come soon πŸ‡»πŸ‡ͺπŸ™ You are not alone. The video is in Spanish because that’s the main language there. I also wrote an English translation.

This is the video of my poem:

Here’s the Spanish written version:

Venezuela serΓ‘ libre πŸ’ͺπŸ’—

Voy andando por las calles

Me pregunto quΓ© occure?

Veo los Venezolanos asustados

Les veo llorando y gritando

Me pregunto quΓ© estΓ‘ pasando?

En pocos minutos me doy cuenta quΓ© estΓ‘ pasando

El dictador Maduro estΓ‘ impediendo la ayuda humanitaria y los camiones con alimentos y medicinas en la frontera de Venezuela

Mientras tanto hay gente muriendose en Venezuela

Mi corazΓ³n se parte en cachos

Me preguntΓ³ porquΓ© se ha llegado a este punto

La violencia sΓ³lo mata a personas y no soluciona nada

El amor siempre gana

Va a ver una soluciΓ³n pronto

Juan GuaidΓ³ y todo el mundo estΓ‘ con vosotros

Venezuela serΓ‘ libre!

Va a llegar el dΓ­a en que los Venezolanos puedan vivir en paz

Si hoy luchan

MaΓ±ana tendran LA LIBERTAD! πŸ‡»πŸ‡ͺπŸ’ͺπŸ’—


Here’s the English translation:

Venezuela will be free πŸ‡»πŸ‡ͺπŸ’ͺπŸ’—

I’m walking down the streets

I ask myself what’s happening?

I see the Venezuelans being scared

I see them crying and shouting

I ask myself what’s going on?

In a few minutes I know what’s happening

The dictator Maduro is preventing the humanitarian aid and the trucks with food and medication at the border of Venezuela

Meanwhile people are dying in Venezuela

My heart falls into pieces

I ask myself how did it come so far

Violence only kills people and it doesn’t solve anything

Love always win

There will be a solution soon

Juan GuaidΓ³ and the whole world is there for you all

Venezuela will be free

The day will come that the Venezuelans can live in peace

If they fight today

Tomorrow they will have FREEDOM! πŸ‡»πŸ‡ͺπŸ’ͺπŸ’—

Thank you all for reading and watching my poem about what’s happening in Venezuela. Do you have heard or read about what’s happening? Did you like my poem? Let me know your opinion. I’m here for you all. We are all in this together always! πŸ’ͺπŸ’— You are never alone.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Reflection on 2018 & happy new year to you all! πŸŽ‰βœ¨πŸ’•πŸ’«

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Happy new year to you all! βœ¨πŸŽ‰ In this post I will talk about my 2018 and will show you how I celebrated New Year’s Eve. I’m glad I don’t have a cold amymore but just tonight I got my period so yeah that also sucks 😭 I’m glad I take medication for the cramps because otherwise I wouldn’t survive it. Besides, I’m also being anxious about my appointment of getting one of my wisdom teeth pulled out this week. I keep postponing the appointment. I know I have to do it but I’m so scared. H e l p. I also don’t want to do it in Holland. Here in Spain it’s much cheaper and the dentist understands my anxiety but I’m still so afraid and I just feel like I can’t cope. If anyone have some more tips to survive it I will be forever grateful πŸ™πŸ’• I can always take medication for anxiety if that’s enough to help me cope with it.

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We are already in 2019. A year has flown by. As usually I want to reflect on my year with this post and also write some important things for you all. Every year has its ups and downs. Every year consists of good things and bad things which happen to us. The most important thing is how we react to all these things. I know how hard it’s to stay positive in this sometimes dark world. I just keep believing that there are so many good things in the world and that there are indeed so many good people. You just have to find your tribe. I’m so glad I did.

I’m so happy with my blogging community, mental health community, Yoga Girl community and the goddess revolution community. I’m thankful that I joined these communities this year. They made me feel less alone and so much happier. If I’m in Holland I will maybe go to a meet up with some yoga girls. I also really wish that we will continue to all be friends and hopefully one day we will all meet ✨ I know the universe brought us all together for a reason which is to be connected with awesome people, share our struggles and feel supported.

I learned a lot this year. I learn every day from this world. This year I realized that there are truly lovely people who care about you and want you to be happy. I learned that it’s better to have a few good friends than a million of fake friends. The ones who love you will always be there for you no matter what. I learned that true love exists when I saw my brother getting married in August in Spain. I learned that this life is an adventure. Sometimes we win and sometimes we loose. We learn from every experience. I also learned that it’s okay if I’m not where I want to be in life. I still have a long way to go. I will find a career I love and will keep growing. It all takes time, pacience and trust in myself. I have to love myself, believe in myself and know that I can make my dreams come true such as working and living in Spain ✨

I also went to my first feminist strike in Valladolid, in Spain on International Women’s Day on the 8th of March with my mother. This was such an empowerful event. I never went to a demonstration before. I really wish 2019 will be the year that less women will be suffering from violence. I wish that women and men have the same human rights. Together we are starting a revolution. This is just the beginning. 2019 will be the year where women can be themselves, love themselves and love each other πŸ’•

This year I also learned that music is the best thing in life 🎢 I would be lost without music. I went to so many amazing concerts such as the OperaciΓ³n Triunfo 2017 concert in Madrid with my friend Maria πŸ’• OperaciΓ³n Triunfo makes me so happy and full of life. I also enjoyed the concert of Pablo Alboran, Chenoa, Hombres G and Celtas Cortos with my mother in Valladolid. I also enjoyed so much the concert of Sofia Ellar with my friend Maria. I can’t wait to see her again. It was so lovely to meet Sofia and get a picture with her. She’s the best and I can’t wait to see her singing again 😍

This year I began to read again a lot which I loved to do so much when I was younger. I will continue reading this new year. I also kept writing and being creative. I hope to create more amazing content on this blog. Writing is amazing. I travelled to Madrid, Granada, Santander and Somo. I discovered Somo which is a beautiful surfing village in the north of Spain. In 2019 I really want to go to a surf camp again πŸ„β€β™€οΈπŸŒŠπŸŒž. I didn’t go surfing for more than two years. I miss it so much. It’s also so good for my mental health. The sea is my home and cleans my soul. The beach is my favourite place on this earth. I can’t wait to travel to more amazing places and meet more amazing people.

Somo, Santander (September 2018)

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Granada, Andalucia (July 2018)

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La RΓ‘bita, Mediterranean Sea, Granada (July 2018)

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Madrid (March 2018)

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Maybe for some of you this year was a hard year. Maybe some of you have lost someone close to you. Maybe you just didn’t felt okay and were struggling. I’m here for you. It’s okay to grief. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel sad. Feelings change and emotions change but it all takes time. Try to not be hard on yourself next year. Remember, I’ll will always be there for you πŸ’• I hope you will invest in self love and self care this new year because that’s the most important thing that matters. I also encourage you all to surround yourself with people who love you and who bring you only good vibes because you deserve that ✨.

I celebrated my New Year’s Eve in Valladolid, in Spain. I decided to not go out with my friends. I also didn’t go out last year. I used to party every year but I don’t feel in the mood anymore. I have to do what feels good to me. I went to the hairdressers in the afternoon to cut the dead ends, my bangs and they made curls in my hair. I love to look good for myself. I dressed up at home and did my make up. My mother and I went to the house of the mother of the wife of my brother. We celebrated all together New Year’s Eve: Rafael, my mother, VΓ©ronica, VΓ©ronica’s mother and her brother. We enjoyed eating delicious Spanish food.

We ate cheese, jamon serrano, chorizo, bread and chicken. I didn’t eat the fish because I don’t like fish so much haha πŸ˜‚ At 12 o’clock we watched the television and ate the 12 grapes. We also had champagne πŸ₯‚. It’s a tradition in Spain to eat the 12 grapes. They say it brings luck. We watched television where we were hearing beautiful music and we played Spanish card games. I really loved it so much. I love playing games with my family. At 3.30 am my mother and I went home and we stayed in watching some television. We went to bed at 6 am pretty late but doesn’t matter because it’s a special night. I’m glad I didn’t go out because as soon as we were home I got my period haha. On New Year’s Day we just stayed in and chilled. I saw the movie Grease. I just love that movie & the music so much 😍 I also saw the movie Paper Towns which I love so much from John Green. I already saw this movie with my best friend one day and loved it.

l wish you all an amazing new year full of love, happiness and luck πŸ€βœ¨βœŒοΈ Stay strong & stay safe. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ I love you all so so so much ❀️. Thank you all for reading. How was your New Year’s Eve? Did you stay at home or did you went to a party? Which are your goals or dreams to achieve in 2019? I would love to know. I will speak to you all soon in my next blog post.

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Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Hey, you. Don’t give up, okay? πŸ’•βœ¨πŸ’—πŸ™

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

We all need this reminder. As I’m struggling in life right now with having anxiety about the future, being nauseous all the time, job anxiety and just about everything I need to know to not give up. I wrote this poem a few nights ago because when I can’t sleep at night and feel bad is when I feel the most inspired to write. I love to write poems and want to write and share more of them on my blog.Β It’s pretty amazing how that works, right?! Writing makes me feel so happy. I will never stop writing. I just wanted to write this for you all. I hope it will give you some hope βœ¨πŸ™

We all need to know that we will find a light through our darkest times.

We all need to know that we can go through hard times in life.

We all need to know that feelings come and go.

We all need to know that life’s is about the little moments.

We all need to know that better things are coming.

We all need to know that life’s about finding the balance between the good and the bad.

We all need to know that life’s hard but we are thougher.

We all need to know that we are loved.

We all need to know that we aren’t alone in our feelings and thoughts.

We all need to know that there’s someone who feels exactly the same way as we do.

We all need to know that this too shall pass.

We all need to know that we will find a purpose in life.

We all need to know that being alive is the greatest gift of all.

We all need to know that true happiness is loving yourself unconditionally.

We all need to know that there will be a time where we find our happiness again.

We all need to know that we are warriors and that we won’t give up πŸ’ͺ

We all need to know that we are all in this together and that we will stick together ❀️

Keep going lovelies, never give up!

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Did you like this poem? Did it make you feel happy and inspired? πŸ’« I would love to know your thoughts. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

The differences between everyday anxiety and an anxiety disorder

Hey lovely bloggers πŸ’•,

Today I want to write again about a mental health topic. As you all know I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I think it’s important to write about this issue. Today I’m going to talk about the differences of every day anxiety and having an anxiety disorder. I’m not a doctor or working in the mental health sector. This is just based on my own experience of having an anxiety disorder.

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This picture is from Google. I think it definitely explains really well the differences between every day anxiety and having an anxiety disorder. It’s a good way to understand the differences. Of course, if you want to get a real diagnosis you need to go to a doctor. All my life I thought that I just nervous and that it wasn’t a real illness. However, deep in my heart I knew that my anxiety wasn’t okay. Being nervous and actually having an anxiety disorder is much more than just being having a bit of nerves. Every one experience stress or anxiety in their lives. It can be stress or feeling nerves to do an exam or to give a presentation. An anxiety disorder is much more than just being worried about every day life. An anxiety disorder is constantly worrying which don’t let you live a normal life. It seems like you can’t go on with your life because your anxiety is in the way. If you can’t seem to let your anxieties go, you may have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is a real mental illness.

If I fear a social situation or a situation that makes me uncomfortable than I would rather run away from it and avoid it. Having an anxiety disorder makes me avoid many times situations. For example, I fear going to the dentist and and up not going but I know I have to go. This will only increase my anxiety and make it worse. Avoidance isn’t working but is caused because of my anxiety disorder. It’s really hard to go through life and wanting to avoid everything which makes me anxious. I know overcoming a fear will be worth it and eventually I would think that it wasn’t that scarry. I still avoid situation that makes me anxious. I’ve learnt to overcome some of them but I’m still in the process which is hard.

Also having panic attacks on the regular basis may be also a sign of having an anxiety disorder. Panick attacks are really the worst thing ever. I’m glad it’s such a long time ago that I had one but I still remember how awful it feels. I think it was months ago that I experienced one. I know of one panick attack that happened in my home city Valladolid, in Spain almost two years ago. I was alone in the busy shopping street and felt like crying, felt dizzy, my heart was beating fast, felt so anxious and was afraid to not get to home safe as I was afraid of falling down because of feeling so dizzy and strange. I came home crying but I was safe. I just wanted to get to home safe and sound. I remember that it took me so time to understand that just because it happened doesn’t mean it will happen again. The thing with panic attacks is that you fear to have another one and that makes it really scarry. After that happened I was afraid to walk through that street again because it reminded me of the bad time. Now, I overcame that fear and I can walk through that street normally.

I also remember another time I had a panick attack which was in August last Summer the night before my exam. It was the last exam I had to take to graduate my studies. In June I made the same exam about law and failed for 0.5 point. It made me feel so anxious and emotional. I just wanted to graduate. I was afraid I would never graduate. The night before I had to take the exam again in August I had a panick attack. I felt so anxious, naouseous, dizzy, my body shaking, feeling my heart beating fast again, feeling cold and warm at the same time and crying. I slept only a few hours and also ended up in the bed of my mother. Fortunately she was there for me. I also took a 1.5 mg of bromazepam which is a benzodiazepine that helps to beat my anxiety. It definitely calmed myself down and I could sleep a few hours before my exam. At the end, my exam went so well and I got as a mark an 8 and could graduate.

I think one of the worst things of having an anxiety disorder is just the fear that you are going to die or like you go completely crazy. I know I will not die but feeling like you breath fast and feeling dizzy make you feel that way. I always get scared when I feel that way because I fear to have another panic attack. I’m glad I didn’t have one since months ago but I still fear that. It’s a horrible thing to experience. I hope nobody who’s reading this have to experience this. If you have experience this, I hope you are feeling better right now. I’m always here for anyone who wants to talk with me. I’m not a professional doctor but I will be there for you β€οΈπŸ™

All these thoughts of thinking that like you are going to fail an exam, feeling that you are going to die or thinking that you aren’t good enough are irrational thoughts. They aren’t real. You just believe them and that will at the end make you feel bad about yourself. If you say to yourself every day that you aren’t worth it, sooner or later you are going to believe it. These thoughts turn into feelings. You are also going to feel you aren’t worth it and that will turn into actions. You are going to neglect yourself as for example not drinking enough water or not eating well. I’m learning not to believe those irrational thoughts but it’s really hard. I just hate all those thoughts and feelings I have when I feel anxiety. I know many of the situations I fear don’t cause me any danger but my mind thinks different because it’s sick.

It’s normal to feel anxious and have rational thoughts when you are in life danger such as when you have an accident. Feeling so much anxiety for example for an presentation and feel like you are going to mess up isn’t that realistic. You learned enough and just do your best. That’s really enough. It’s just your mind that makes you think all these negative thoughts about yourself which you believe. A good way to replace these irrational thoughts is with rational thoughts. Ask yourself if your thoughts are realistic or if it’s your mind that’s playing a game with you.

Also having nightmares and having constantly flashbacks about a traumatic event can be a sign of having an anxiety disorder. If something traumatic happened in your life and you just can’t seem to let it go it would be a good idea to ask for help and get professional help. I remember that I had bad dreams of being bullied again and was experiencing it again in my dream. I’m glad I could talk about it during some counselling sessions a few years ago. I realized it wasn’t my fault that I got bullied of course and that those people were just mean. I have and always have been enough. I’m glad I don’t have those bad dreams anymore.

I still take antidepressants since one year and a half. It’s just 20 mg but definitely helps. I still have to learn to live with anxiety my whole life. I also take a benzo when I feel high anxiety. I hope you all liked this blog post. I hope I explained the differences between every day anxiety and actually having an anxiety disorder well. I’m not a doctor. This is all just based on my own experience. Do you also have an anxiety disorder and can relate to it? Did you ever experience a panic attack? Do you get help? I would love to know your thoughts and opinion about it. I would also love to help anyone who feels bad or is struggling right now. I will always be here for you all ❀️

I love you all so much πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

It’s okay to take antidepressants or other meds for your mental illness

Hey lovely bloggers <3,

I’ve always wanted to make a blog post about it. I felt a bit scared to share of all this but since I’m always honest on my blog and you all are so supportive I know it feels good to share it. It’s really an important subject to me. I think many people with a mental illness can relate to this aswell. I have anxiety for like my whole life. I started to take antidepressants in February 20 mg of Lantanon. I also take a benzo when I feel really high anxiety. First, I felt really ashamed of it because I already felt ashamed of having a mental illness: anxiety and taking a medicine to recover made me even feel more weak and guilty of feeling this way. I thought that it’s all my fault and I thought that I have to help myself. It’s really crazy to think that it’s wrong to take a medicine when you have a mental illness?

When we have a physical illness such as fever or a cold it’s so normal for all of us to take paracetamol, ibuprofen or antibiotics. We even don’t think about it. We don’t find it a big issue. You are physically ill and you have to take a medicine to recover, like that’s so common. Nobody looks strange at you when you are having a cold and take a paracetamol. Also when I have my period I take Aleve Feminax which is a Naproxen that helps to relieve the cramps. It’s just all so normal. You go to the doctor and they give you the meds you need.

But then….. You can also have a mental illness like depression, eating disorder, ocd, anxiety…. You can recover with therapy but some people also need to take a medicine to recover. I did some therapy sessions in The Netherlands and it didn’t help for me. I even felt more anxious than ever before. You have to search the thing that works for you. Only you knows what’s the best thing for you to be able to recover. So, some people need to take meds such as antidepressants or anti anxiety meds to be able to function. There is a stigma surrounded with mental illnesses and with meds even more. You can’t get it so easy as when you have a cold. They even warn you for all the side effects and I read that when you stop taking it you will feel so bad. These meds are soooo important. They are saving lives and help people to cope with their mental illness. Why is their even a stigma about it? This really need to change.

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I will admit that I was afraid to take antidepressants too. I read some stories about the side effects and I felt really scared. I tried naturall stuff like tea, valerian and St. Jans Wort and it all didn’t work. I just can’t stand when people are like yeah you just should try natural things and everything will be allright again. I tried that and it didn’t work. I also don’t like when people say like yeah just sleep more, do sports and you will feel better. Sometimes you can’t sleep good because of anxiety or don’t wanna move. That’s what depression and anxiety is about. You just feel tired all the time and don’t wanna do anything and in some cases people have suicide thoughts which makes it even harder to cope with life. I also can’t stand the people who say it’s all about seeking attention when somebody suffering with depression for example say that they wanna die. They feel so bad and have horrible thoughts and they are all suffering in silence. It’s so hard for them to open up. When they finally open up to aΒ  loved one, they say it’s seeking attention or not true. I think that’s really the worst thing you can say to someone mentally ill. If you can’t be kind, then don’t say anything at all. Be there for that person. Let them know you will support them and help them in seeking professional help. That’s just so important.

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Sometimes you need help and take meds for your brain. The brain is an organ too. This organ can also misfuction just like any other organ. I was scared as hell when I began to take antidepressants since february 20mg and a benzo when I feel high anxiety. I even read the description and it said some people will have suicide thoughts and you can call this number when you feel that way. Fortunately, I didn’t had that.Β 
I think there are a lot of horror stories which even aren’t true. They just don’t want that we take it. I mean antibiotics also can cause danger and nobody said anything about that. My father had high cholesterol and got a medicine. This medicine caused him pancreatis. He almost died because of it….. I was 11 years old. In the subscription of the medicine to lower his high colestrol there was even written that it would cause this infection…. You see, you can’t trust these meds too. Every thing has sife effects and stuff but it’s important to know that in many cases nothing badly will happen. It’s also important to seek help by a qualified doctor. To anybody suffering of a mental illness, don’t be afraid to seek for help and take meds for it. If it makes you feel better, then do it.

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I hope this blog post helped the people who are suffering with a mental illness. I believe that if you need to take meds for your mental illness, then you should take it. It saved my life. I cry less and my anxiety is much better than before. Ask for help and take what you need. I know that the more we talk about it and raise awareness, the more people will share about their mental illness an seek help. Recovery is possible and we have the right to speak about our struggles. We don’t have to feel ashamed of anything.

We are all in this together! ❀ You are a warrior! πŸ’ͺπŸ’œπŸ’• Together we are stronger and together we can beat the stigma of mental illnesses!

I love you all <3,

xoxo Christina