November goals 🍁

12 noviembre 2018

Hey lovelies 💕,

Today I will introduce something new on my blog. Maybe I will do these kinds of blog posts every month. I’m never organised in my life so also not on my blog. My zodiac sign is gemini so I always get easily bored 😂.We will see if I will make this blog post an every month thing haha. I saw many bloggers making these kind of lists so it inspired me to do one too. Today I will write about my November goals and explain them. Hopefully, this will also motivate me to keep going and to achieve them. I have always loved to make lists. It keeps my mind a little bit organised in all the messy thoughts.

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  • Make a lot of amazing blog posts

I have some drafts and also ideas in my head of writing great content for my blog. I just need to get started, write, create and post. I’m planning to do a book review post for the first time of some amazing books I just read. I also am thinking to share some singing covers and plan to share other amazing things for Christmas.

  • Make a wish list for Sinterklaas/Christmas/Three Kings Day

In The Netherlands we celebrate Sinterklaas on the 5th of December. We always celebrate it on the weekend. They say Sinterklaas came from Spain to The Netherlands on a boat to give the children presents. We have some bags of Sinterklaas where we put all the presents inside and then on that day we unwrap the presents. I really love this festive so much. In Spain we have Three Kings Day which is on the 6th of January. They also give presents to the kids. Of course, I also have Santa Claus so yeah three times that I’m getting presents haha yessss 🎁. I always make a wish list of two pages almost  and I use it all year around so also for my birthday. I want to finish it this month and give it to my family so that they know which presents I want.

I made these pictures this week at the shopping mall in Haarlem near to my house. You can see Sinterklaas. They always decorate it for December.

  • Keep applying for jobs

I applied for a job in Spain but unfortunately they aren’t looking for people right now. They said that the will save my CV and get back to me when they have a job for me. I also applied for working for the surf brand O’Neill in Madrid, in Spain but I didn’t got any response back. It will take some time. I also applied for a job here in Holland to work in a surf shop but I also didn’t got any response back. Even though working makes me trigger my anxiety I will keep looking for jobs in Spain. I will just keep applying and search on websites which would help me. Maybe, I could also apply for part time jobs here in Holland for the period before Christmas. I just wish my father won’t push me and leave me alone because it only makes the search of looking for work much worse.

  • Ask for help when I need it

Lately I’ve been feeling very lonely and also struggle much more with my anxiety  because of the anxiety about finding a job. Even though I still take my antidepressants and anti anxiety medication when I need it, I still feel that maybe it isn’t enough. Maybe, I really need to go to therapy to get better. I would prefer to do it in Spain because I also got subscriped for my medication there. I don’t know what to do and I also don’t know if therapy would really help me. Two years ago I had 7 sessions in Holland but it wasn’t real therapy. I had to vomit every time I had to go and it even made my anxiety worse…. I just need to ask for help when I need it. I feel that I’m isolating myself and not asking for what I really need. Even though maybe not everyone will agree with my decicions I need to do what’s good for me and my health.

  • Finish the book The sun and her flowers from Rupi Kaur

I have to finish reading this amazing book this month. This is also going to be one of the books which I’m writing about in my first book review post. I can already say that I love this book so much. I love poetry books. Rupi Kaur is just such an amazing writer 😍

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  • Have a friends reunion in a tapas restaurant in Haarlem

I already saw my best friend twice since I’m back in Holland and my other good friend Shams also twice as she stayed at my home last week. There are still some good friends I didn’t see so I’m planning a great night with my friends on the 24th of November. We are going to eat in the same tapas restaurant where we went last year. The tapas are more expensive than in Spain but are also so delicious. The restaurant is called El Pincho. The service is perfect and it’s really cozy inside. I can’t wait to eat there with my friends and have an amazing night all together.

  • Go to Glow Eindhoven with my mother and see my brother, his wife and my niece

Glow Eindhoven is a light festival which begins on the 10th of November and ends on the 17th of November. Whenever I’m in Holland I always go with my mother. I really love it so much. All these buildings are covered with lights and there are light shows. It’s just really so amazing to see. I hope that I will go this year again in the weekend of 16th November. I also can’t wait to see my brother Edward, Elke and their little girl Noanne. I’m happy to annouce that Edward and Noanne are coming also this Saturday to our home. I’m really looking forward to it. I didn’t see them since the wedding of Rafael and Verónica in Spain which was in August. If I go to the light festival then I will of course take a lot of pictures and maybe share them in a blog post.

These are some pictures from Glow Eindhoven a few years ago. I made the picture on the right. It’s just beautiful to see all the lights and the light show projected on different buildings in Eindhoven such as on the church.

  • Begin with writing Christmas cards

I always send and give a lot of Christmas cards. Some years I made more than 50 and send them all over the world to people which I know. This year I’m writing much less just 29 haha. I already made the list. Last year I also got only 15 cards back so I will only write this year to good friends and to my family. I don’t want to do that much effort to get nothing back you know. I also love to receive Christmas cards. Sometimes I make them myself but now I already bought many Christmas cards. I bought some nice washi tape, a lot of stickers and pens. I will show it to you all soon in a blog post. I want to begin this month already with writing them so that they will arrive on time and that I can be done with it because it takes a lot of work. I really love to make it personal 💌🎄.

  • Meet a new friend from the Yoga Girl Community on Facebook

I made some friends of the Yoga Girl Community on Facebook. One girl is really nice and we are hopefully going to meet up this month. I find it nice to meet people who are openminded, caring and understand me. It’s nice to find new friends to hang out with and have fun with. It’s also lovely that at the same time you can share your fears, struggles and insecurities too.

  • Opening up to people I know

Last weekend I went to my neighbours with my good friend Shams and my parents and I really love them so much. I used to go alone sometimes too to talk with them. I talked a lot with the women because she just understands me so well. She’s also a highly sensitive person and also understands my anxiety disorder and everything. She already said that I’m welcome to come to chat again with her. Maybe, I’m going again this month to open up about my struggles. I’m just anxious always because I feel like I’m going to cry but it’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay.

I also need to go to my choir once on a Friday after my choir is done with choir practice. There’s this lovely man which I have contact with and always is there for me. His daughter from 5 years old has neuroblastoma cancer and is fortunately doing a lot better now but isn’t officially cancer free. I always talked a lot about my life, fears, anxiety and just everything with him. The last time I saw him was during the cremation of Lisa. Then he wrote me a message on Facebook that he would loved to talk more with me. I really have to go once and open up.

Opening up still feels soooo hard for me. You all may think I’m open but yeah on the internet I’m that open person but in real life I have a hard time to open up. Of course, find it a bit easier to open up to people I know than to complete strangers. Also not everyone has to know your story. Just the people you know they will care about you. I think these talks will do me good and also make me feel a bit better. It’s good to know that there are people who care about you and love you.

So, these were all my goals for November. I hope to achieve them all of course 😄. Can you relate to this list? What are your November goals? Let me know in the comments. I wish you all a happy November full of happiness, love and luck. Together we will motivate each other to achieve our November goals 💪.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

Feeling lonely and the love of communities 💕

4 noviembre 2018

Hola sweeties 💕,

In this blog post I will write about feeling lonely which I’m feeling for a long time right now. I’m feeling this feeling even stronger here in The Netherlands. I also felt this feeling in Spain but much less. I’m going to talk about feeling lonely and about the differences of living in Spain or The Netherlands. Loneliness is a feeling that many people will not want to admit. Everybody can feel lonely in life. I think it’s important to write about it because I often feel in life that not many people want to talk about it or they feel ashamed to feel this way. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Those are your feelings and you have every right to feel them.

I know why I feel this feeling stronger here in The Netherlands than in Spain. A big reason is that in Spain I have a group of friends where I hang out with mostly in the weekends. We eat tapas together, have a fiesta or just meet each other and talk. I also have good friends here in The Netherlands but it seems like everyone is busy living their lives. My friends in Spain also have their lives but the Spanish people in general are more social and it’s easier to meet new people. In Spain people make time to see each other and also make time to eat with friends and family. Since I’m back in Holland I only saw one time my best friend, another day my other good friend and another day another good friend. I’m already a month here. For the rest, I only go out with my mother. So, basically I’m only with my parents. I’m happy that I bought concert tickets last weekend to go to the concert of Vance joy this friday in Paradiso Amsterdam. I can’t wait to hear the song Riptide live 😍. I’m going with my best friend and I can’t wait to enjoy a concert together again. It’s been such a long time since I went to concerts here in Holland. Music is life 🎶💕.

I’m not only feeling lonely because I don’t see a lot of friends here in The Netherlands. I’m also feeling lonely because I don’t see my family that often. I don’t see my brothers that often and also not my little niece from three years. I miss my family so much. As you know I have two older brothers. Rafael has just married with his Spanish wife Verónica in August. They live like 15 minutes away from us by bike. I saw them only twice in a month. One time with the wedding party in Haarlem and the other time at the beach for a short time. Fortunately, they are both coming to eat in two weeks at our home. My other brother Edward lives with his wife Elke and their cute little girl Noanne 2 hours away from us by car in the south of The Netherlands. They are always busy with their jobs and also have their own company of wedding photography. We are all still waiting for the pictures of the wedding of Rafael. I saw them once last year only with Christmas because I was in Spain all the time. This year I have also only see them once with the wedding in Spain. Hopefully, I will see them next month with the light festival Glow in Eindhoven with my mother. Glow is such a beautiful event. All the buildings and the church are with lights. It’s beautiful to see. I will make pictures and videos and maybe let you all see what I mean 💡.

This feeling of loneliness is pretty normal for me and especially living in the Netherlands. You all know by now that I love Spain more than The Netherlands. I love both countries but I just feel more Spanish in the way I’m. I feel more at home in Spain. In Spain family is number one and also friends are really important. They always make time to see each other no matter how busy their lives are. What I also love in Spain is that a friend can just text me or call me and say hey do you want to go to eat some tapas tonight? Of course, I say yes and then we will go out. Here in The Netherlands you always have to plan when you are going to meet each other and it’s difficult to make a plan because the people are telling you all the time I’m so busy omg I’m so busy. I really dislike that sentence so much. Of course, there are a lot of things to do in life but I think you really have to make time to also see your loved ones if that’s important for you.

There’s such a big difference in culture between Spain and The Netherlands. Spain has a collectivist culture and The Netherlands is an individualistic country. In Spain when I meet my friends sometimes more friends will join and it’s all spontaneous whereas here people are looking to their agendas to find a day when they can all meet. People here just like to live their lives alone. I can feel this feeling of loneliness much more here than in Spain. Whenever I have a problem people are more likely to help me in Spain than here. In Spain there’s a high rate of unemployment but still families help each other and find a way out. I really admire their strength and positivity.

Even though I go out almost every day with my mother I’m still feeling lonely. I went twice to the beach last month, drove on my bike and had walks in the park near to my house. I know another big factor of my loneliness is that I don’t study anymore. I’m searching for jobs in Spain and also applied for some jobs. One was about promoting the brand Holland in Madrid and another one was working in the surf shop O’Neill in Madrid. I hope they will answer me soon. I also applied for a job vacancy to work in a surf shop here in Holland. Maybe, I can do that these months to earn some money before I go to Spain in December. I really want to make a living there. When I studied in college I hang out with my classmates and it was all fun. Now, I feel lost in life. I guess my anxiety disorder also makes me feel lonely. I always feel alone in my feelings and thoughts. I’m so happy to have found this blogging community and also my mental health community on my blog and on Instagram. You are all so kind and so amazing. I’m also into reading again and want to write more awesome new content like book reviews on my blog.

Last month I also entered a new community which is the Yoga Girl community on Facebook. I will still write a blog post about her because I have a lot to say about her and she’s just my biggest inspiration in life. I will just keep it short now. Yoga Girl is a famous international yoga teacher and has her own studio Island Yoga in Aruba. She is married with Dennis Schoneveld and has a lovely child called Lea Luna. This community makes me also feel less alone. There are now 12000 people in this group. Everyone is sharing their lifes stories. I read a lot of stories about death, self love, mental illnesses such as anxiety, ocd, depression or anything else, trauma, abuse, yoga, following your dreams and so much more. Everyone is openly sharing. We are all looking for acceptance and understanding in life and that’s what I found in this group. Some people give advice and others are just there for you. Sometimes the best advice you can give to someone is to be there for them. I cried of happiness while reading these amazing stories. I’m so happy to be part of this beautiful community 🌸🙏.

I’ve always felt that the world is a scary place and awful things happen but maybe those thoughts are also caused by my anxiety disorder. I just always felt like I can’t be myself and have to change myself so that people will like me. I’ve been bullied during my high school years which I also shared on this blog and that made me cause low self esteeem. Every day I’m learning more about myself. I’m learning to really love myself. I’m a highly sensitive person and I feel every emotion. I suffer more but also feel more. I’m just so happy to have found my blogging community, yoga girl community and mental health community online. These communites are so amazing. It reminds me that even though in my past and in this world there are bad people there are also so many good people. You just have to find the right people which is your tribe. Those people will always be there for you no matter what💕. Communities are there to make people feel less alone and lonely, to share and be honest with each other.

The support I see in all these communities with each other and which I also receive are just from another planet 🌍. I wish to meet many of you because you seem all so lovely, understanding and caring. The worlds needs more people like you all ❤. I often feel that there are so many people who don’t show their real feelings in life. It feels like it’s better to not feel at all in life. I disagree with that because feeling all those emotions bad or good like anger, happiness, loneliness, sadness is so important. I made the best friends and connections online and in real life with people who are real, honest and can be vulnerable with each other. We have to feel it all in order to let things go in life.

I already made many new friends on Facebook from the Yoga Girl community. Now, I feel less alone. Some of them are Dutch and living in Amsterdam or Leiden so I’m going to meet some of them. I’m just so in need of new friends too because it feels amazing to be able to have deep talks, do yoga and just be surrounded by authentic people. I just wanted to say that even though I never met any of you I know our paths will cross and that this community will heal us all. One of my biggest dreams in life is to go on a Yoga Retreat in Island Yoga and meet Rachel and all those amazing people. Always remember, you are loved. You are enough and you are all so beautiful. You are never alone 💕.

I hope you all liked this blog post. Do you also feel lonely sometimes? What do you do when you feel lonely? Do you also love to be part of a community? It always makes me feel less alone so I encourage anyone to join a community online whether it will be online or in real life. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Love, peace & happiness to you all ❤

xoxo Christina

I wish I was normal

28 octubre 2018

Hey lovelies 💕,

This blog post will be just a rambling of thoughts about how I wish to be normal while living with an anxiety disorder. I will share my thoughts and feelings about this. I just need to vent because it always makes my mind feel less heavy. Only on this blog and on my instagram page Sea of words blog I can be myself. I feel I can be 100% real, honest and vulnerable on here. This is my safe space. So thank you all so much for holding space for me to be myself without any filters. This is me with all my messy thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes I wish I was normal. I wish I wasn’t a person who lives with an anxiety disorder. I wish I wasn’t crazy. Maybe, I’m not a crazy person but my anxiety tells me that I’m crazy for constantly worrying about everything in life. Constantly feeling like something bad will happen. Those thoughts makes me overthink and prefer to stay at home then to face people and feel uncomfortable. That’s how I feel most of the time. I wish I was normal to do the every day things in life without feeling constantly anxious or feeling uncapable of doing it. I wish I could live a normal life like normal people do. That’s my wish.

I wish I wasn’t that girl who is so afraid of the dentist, searching for a job and knowing what I want in life. I wish I wasn’t afraid of the unknown, of changes and of people. I wish I wasn’t afraid of looking people in the eyes. I wish I wasn’t that girl who’s afraid of her own shadow. Life is hard but for people with a mental illness it’s even harder. It’s just the truth. Everyone will struggle in their lives but having a mental illness makes everything 100000 times worse. It’s a constant battle with your mind every day. Fighting a war which is inside your head is so exhausting. Everything feels so difficult and heavy. The worst part is that there are still so many people who don’t take these illnesses serious. Even though a mental illness is invisible doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

I wish I could just live a normal life, not being afraid of taking a job, having my life together and maybe have a relationship again. It’s already been almost 6 years since my first love left me. I’ve been feeling so alone all these time. With time it gets better but I still feel pretty lonely. I wish I was normal. Normal people go to school, have jobs and have their life together not like me who is sleeping much or thinking their time away. Normal people have fun and don’t care about what other people think of them. I have all the time negative thoughts of myself like people will laugh about me and judge me. Normal people don’t have such a loud inner critic who tells them all the time how they aren’t worth it and how they aren’t enough.

Normal people aren’t crazy in their mind like me. Who wants to be with someone who’s anxious all the time? Who wants to be with someone who always think of the worst thing? Who wants to be with someone who’s always overthinking? Normal people don’t overthink 24/7 all the time. Normal people go on with their lives when something bad happens even though they can be sad. I’m a highly sensitive person and when something bad happens to me it takes me such a long time to heal from it and go on with life. I can’t just go on with life and pretend nothing has happened. I just can’t. If you take away my sensitivity I wouldn’t be me so that makes me who I’m. I’m still learning to live with it and embrace this. Even though I may suffer more in life I also experience life in a beautiful way. I feel everything so deeply and life is all about feeling your feelings, right?

Having an anxiety disorder doesn’t make me who I’m. I have an anxiety disorder but I’m not anxiety. It isn’t part of my personality even though sometimes I think it’s. It’s an illness. Maybe I’m not that crazy as I think I’m. Maybe, normal people don’t exist and we all are crazy but don’t say it out loud. We all have to go through struggles day by day. Life is beautiful but also so hard for everyone. The best way I can be is to be myself. It’s not that I want to have an anxiety disorder. I didn’t choose for it. I got sick like someone who gets the flu or someone who has cancer.

What’s being normal? If everyone acts in a correct way life would be pretty borring. The people who are standing out from the crowd are mostly the ones who are the most beautiful, amazing and honest people ever. We need authentic people who are brave enough to share their stories, struggles, thoughts and feelings. We are here to feel it all. I wish to also be able to learn to live with my anxiety and be able to cope better in life. I hope I will get better but recovery takes time. My medication as in antidepressants and anti anxiety medication helps me but maybe I have to also try therapy even though it makes me feel anxious too.

I will be my beautiful self even though it might means that I feel different than other people because hey that’s okay. Life is strange too. We are born out of the blue put into this blue planet 🌍 where the sun circles around us 🌞. That’s pure magic. We are the stars from the universe 🌠. We are made out of magic and magic doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be real. Being a mess is okay. I will be that star that shines in the dark times and be there for you all. Let’s be crazy together because life is way too short to be just like a normal person.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all liked this little rambling/story. Could you relate to it? Did you like it? Do you also wish to be like a normal person or do you prefer to be an awesome crazy person? Let me know in the comments. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina

How can we prevent bullying at schools?

22 octubre 2018

Hey lovelies 💕,

Thank you all for the endless support on my last blog posts and also on my instagram Sea of words blog. I’m so thankful to have this mental health and blogging community. I recently also joined the yoga community of Yoga Girl. She’s a big inspiration in my life. I’m blown away by the fact that there are so many supportive and good people out there in the world. You just have to find the right ones ❤. Today’s blog post will be about how I got bullied through high school and which ways I think are important in order to prevent bullying at schools. I already shared my bullying story in January in this blog post: How being bullied in high school caused me anxiety. I would like to add some new things in this blog post.

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Trigger warning for this post ❗

October is not only the month of Halloween, Autumn, falling leaves and sweater weather. October is also the month of something really important. October is national bullying prevention/awareness month so I thought it would be important to write about this subject again. I’ve been bullied for so many years during high school and also some years before high school. Bullying is a real trauma. So many kids, teenagers and also adults suffer from this. It can happen anywhere like at schools, on the workplace etc. and everywhere on the world. The things I wrote on this picture below were some of the things the bullies said to me. I don’t want to make someone feel pity for me. I just want to let people know the truth about bullying and how much those words hurt.

Words can kill you like a knife. Words make you believe you are worthless. Words make you believe you aren’t good enough and that it would be better if you didn’t exist. Words can kill people. The bullies said a lot of other things to me than only the words you can see on the picture. The bullies also did a lot of more stuff such as pushing me in the halls of the high school, coming with groups to my locker and intimidate and laugh about me. I still find it hard to let all those things go.

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Words are so easy said. Forgetting the ugly words they’ve said to you is a lot harder. I’m still learning in letting them all go. I remember that in high school I liked the band Tokio Hotel and wore these big hippie purple jeans which you can see on the picture. I got them from the ex girlfriend of my brother. I wore those jeans to school. They were all laughing at me and were calling me a gothic. I wasn’t gothic. I just liked to wear those clothes. I also wore a lot of clothes with skeletons just because I liked it. I wouldn’t wear that right now because right now my fashion style has changed. I think it’s just important to be yourself and wear what you like and not what others may like. You will never be beautiful or enough for others. You have to feel good in your own skin.

There was also another time during my teenage years that I wore clothes and stuff from The Power Puff Girls. This was and still is my favourite show ever. I love that show so much. It holds so many great childhood memories. I still have lots of products as books, parfum and everything from them at home. Again the bullies were laughing about me and called me that I was way too childish for wearing a dress from The Power Puff Girls. I remember that I was so happy to wear that and the moment I got laughed about it I felt bad and I didn’t wear it again anymore. I felt ashamed which is just so sad 😢. I let them win that time…

I also have always been insecure about my nose. The bullies at high school were always calling me big nose. In that time there was a Dutch website which we used to be in contact with each other. I always saw the words big nose and knew that they were writing about me. It was just open and public. It really hurted me so much to see all those negative words written about me. I’ve never done anybody harm. Why are they bullying me? Is it just because I’m the easy target and because I’m a highly sensitive person? I was thinking maybe I really do have a big nose. Maybe, there’s really something wrong about me. Why would they call me otherwise big nose all the time? Now I know that my nose is fine and my body is perfect the way it’s.

The bullies also said one day that they wanted to kill me and my family. I still can remember the horrible chats on Messenger. Every day I thought that that would be my last day at school and that it was happening today. They never hit me. They were just threathing me all the time but it definitely made me develop my anxiety disorder. Nowadays, I’m still afraid of groups of people because of these bad memories.

Those were just horrible years which I would rather forget. I’m feeling more confident than years before. However, I’m still learning to love myself and embrace myself for who I’m. I never ever want to go back to that time. In another blog post I will write about all the negative effects bullying had on me. I was already writing that blog post some time ago. Now, I would like to write about some ways in which I think we can prevent bullying.

Bullying prevention system at schools

I think it’s crucial to have a good bullying prevention system at schools. My school didn’t do enough when I was suffering from bullying. They talked with me and the bullies but afterwards they bullied me again and again. I think it’s important to handle these situations better. The teachers and the principal of the schools have to know that bullying is really serious. They have to watch for signs when they see it happening in their class rooms and take action. They need a strong policy about it.

Classes about bullying

I think it’s really important to have classes at schools where they talk about what’s bullying and how they can prevent that together with the teachers and kids. Everyone have to know the differences between teasing and really bullying someone. When they know the differences and also the consequences of bullying they hopefully will bully less. The consequences of bullying can be really dangerous as in people commiting suicide. I once read that there’s a high rate of kids commiting suicide because of bullying. We need to teach kids to be more kind to each other and to have respect to each other.

Stand up for someone who is getting bullied

I think this point is also so important. When we see someone is getting bullied, stand up and speak up for that person. I know I was afraid to stand up for myself but the moment my best friend helped me and stood up for me, was the moment I felt supported and stronger. It’s just so important to be there for that person. It can help to stop the bullies.

Get professional help when you need it

Kids, teenagers and anyone who’s being bullied have to know that there’s a a great support system and professional help available when they need it. Bullying have so many negative effects as developing many mental health illnesses as depression, anxiety and even lead to suicide. The earlier we analyse this, the better we can prevent the negative effects of bullying. Therapy, medication and whatever you need is availlable for you. I hope everyone can get the help they need because you deserve that 🙏💕.

Campaigns about raising awareness of stop bullying now

Campaigns and organisations which raise awareness of bullying are so important. During the time I was at high school there wasn’t that much awareness of this. Nowadays, there is social media and there’s just much more information about it. I really hope that this will prevent bullying now and in the future more and more.

Encourage kids to speak to an adult when they are getting bullied

I know many of us feel ashamed to tell our story. There’s nothing to be ashamed about because being bullied isn’t our fault. Sometimes people bully because they are jealous of somebody or just because they feel bad themselves. It’s important that kids are speaking up about getting bullied to a trusted adult to prevent bullying getting worse. That trusted adult can be your teacher or your parent. It can help the child to ask for help and provide them support and comfort. We all want someone that will listen to our stories without feeling judged. We just want someone that will be there for us in this difficult time.

Of course, there will be many other ways to prevent bullying but I just thought about these 6 important points. I will never stop sharing my story about bullying. I think it’s just so important to raise awareness about bullying. I hope that these points will hopefully prevent bullying. I hope to be able to help others with speaking up about my story of being bullied.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you think these tips in preventing bullying at schools will help? Do you have some other ways in which we can prevent bullying? Do you also got bullied? I would love to hear your thoughts and stories. Rembemer, you are not alone. You are beautiful. You are enough. Let’s be kind to each other. We are all in this together 💪

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Much love 🌹,

xoxo Christina

World Mental Health Day; Remember, you are not alone 💕

12 octubre 2018

Hola sweeties 😍,

Before I begin with this blog post I would like to share a short summary of the cremation of Lisa where I went last Wednesday. In case you didn’t read my last blog post here’s the link: Life is fragile. I know her from my choir. She got leucemia 8 years ago and got it back this year. She died at such a young age, only 29 years old. Me and my mother had to go one hour by bus to Lisse from Haarlem. We had to walk through a street surrounded by nature. Then we saw a woman in a car who asked us where the cremation was. She was also going and invited us for a ride which was really lovely of her. We were already near. When we arrived I saw some people from my choir and gave them a hug. It was really nice to see everyone again. They were so nice to me. The cerenomy almost looked like a catholic cremation because Lisa and her whole family are catholic.

We could see pictures and videos of Lisa. The choir sang some beautiful songs and also the brother of Lisa sang solo Ave Maria. It was so beautiful and even didn’t feel like a funeral. It was heartbreaking, emotional but also so beautiful. There were some beautiful speeches from her mother, her sister, her brother and her husband. Especially her sister and her hushband had a difficult time speaking. You could hear them crying which was so sad 😢. I didn’t cry that much. I cried already so much at home. It felt strange because I always cry so much. I could see everyone crying. At the end of the cerenomy we had to walk near to the coffin and first I was afraid but it wasn’t so scarry. I didn’t see her dead. The coffin was closed with flowers. I was sad seeing the family in the first row all crying. Then the rest of the cremation was only for the family, friends and some choir members.

Afterwards, I saw some teachers of my primary school and they hugged me and they were all in tears. Also one lovely man of the choir talked with me and I received a message afterwards that he wanted to talk longer with me. He said that I’m always welcome to go fridays after choir repetition to see my choir even if I don’t sing in my choir anymore. I will go once because he always understand me so well. I also told him once about my anxiety and everything. He support me so much. I will always be there for the family, friends and everyone who knows Lisa. I hope she’s in a better place now 🙏❤. My heart is with all of the people suffering from cancer or any illness.

Now, I’m going to talk about something really important too. This blog post will be about mental health. Today, October the 10th is a really important day in the world. Today it’s world mental health day. This topic is really close to my heart because as you all know I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I have had anxiety my whole life. Some days, months, years are better than others. People always told me that everyone gets nervous for an exam or for big changes in life such as moving out or getting a new job. It’s true that everyone get nervous or anxious. We all have physical and mental health. This two are not separated from each other. They’re connected to each other. Body and mind are one. I also talked about the difference between anxiety and an anxiety disorder in this blog post.

Here are some pictures of beach time 🌊🌞 today in The Netherlands 🇳🇱 I especially bought and wear this shirt of Positive Pages to spread awareness about mental health.

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When you feel like you can’t go trough life and your mental health is affecting all aspects in your life you may have a mental illness. When I get really anxious I feel so sick as in being dizzy, nauseous, heart beating fast, crying, feeling like you are going to die, shaking, and even throw up in some cases. That aren’t just nerves. That’s an anxiety disorder. This is my life. My anxiety disorder effects every aspect of my life. Right now, I’m struggling with my dentist fear and with my fear of trying something new such as getting my first job. It makes me feel so uncomfortable that sometimes I feel like giving up 😔.

Having a mental illness is so exhausting. I’m not ashamed of sharing my story anymore especially online. In real life I still feel sometimes that I can’t open up 100% and that it’s better to not be real because people wouldn’t understand it. I learned that there will always be people who would understand me and some people won’t. It doesn’t matter. I hope with sharing my story on my blog and on Instagram to inspire other people to be open and talk about it. Spreading awareness about mental health illnesses is just so important. You can also suffer even if you don’t have a mental health illness.

Sometimes I also even felt that my anxiety disorder isn’t such a big deal as there are people who have depression, commited suicide, self harm, bipolar, borderline, ocd, eating disorders and many other mental health illnesses. I’ve learned that every illness counts. Just because someone has it worse than you doesn’t mean your struggles or illnesses don’t count. Every feeling and thought is valid because you are feeling it. You are the only one who suffers from a mental illness every day.

I think the best way to help a loved one who is going through a mental health illness is just to be there for them. Listen to them. Sometimes the best thing you can do is give them a hug and say that you’ll be there for them. Often people give the wrong advice and that doesn’t help at all. For me, knowing that my family, some good friends and my online mental health community on my blog and Instagram will be there for me in good and bad times already makes a difference in my life. I love that I can be real, vulnerable and honest here without feeling judged. I think that’s so important.

There are people who always want to give advice to people and don’t want to hurt that person with their advice but in some way it isn’t good for the person who is suffering. They would say to someone suffering from depression to go for a walk and try to be happy. They would say to me to try to think positive and don’t always think about the worst and to stop worrying. It just isn’t that simple right. I hope that every day we are breaking this taboo of mental health with speaking up about it 💪. Mental health illnesses are real and everyone who suffer from them need support and professional help. How many times did I think I was crazy in my head?! So many times. The thing is I’m not. My mind is sick, this is my story but I’m more things that just a woman with an anxiety disorder. I’m brave to share my story and inspire people. I’m honest. I’m a highly sensitive person. I’m flawed but I’m beautiful and enough. So are you 💜.

The cure for recovering from a mental health illness is different for anyone. Some try therapy, others try natural meds (in my case it didn’t work out), others take medication such as antidepressants and others try other things or a combination of therapy and medication. I tried some therapy sessions two years ago but it seem to make me even more anxious and I always threw up before I go. I still don’t know if therapy would be good for me. Maybe, I can try therapy in Spain when I hopefully found work there and live there. I’m already taking antidepressants since February 2017, almost two years. It works well but sometimes I can still feel high anxious. I also got subscriped in Spain anti anxiety medication. This really helps me to cope in situations when I feel really anxious such as going to the dentist.

The stigma of taking medication for our mental health illnesses needs to end too. Taking medication can save lives. If it’s okay to go through chemotherapy to cure cancer or to take parecatamol for our headache then it’s okay too to take medication to cure our depression or anxiety. We need this to make us feel a bit better. We don’t have the natural neurotransmitters. We need some help with it. Those aren’t magic pills but will just keep us cope with life.

The thing is there’s no magic cure for curing a mental health illness. It all takes time. Recovery is hard. I think I will have anxiety my whole life but I just find along my way things which help me cope a bit better with it within time. Therapy, medication or other ways… there’s no right way. You just need to do what feels good for you. I hope anyone reading this who is struggling right now with their mental health can get the help and support they need. Speak up and go to a professional. They can help you further. I also know how difficult it’s to speak up so if anyone sees someone struggling or acting different than you are used to, talk with them and ask them how they’re really doing. It’s so important to be able to speak about our feelings and thoughts without feeling judged.

You don’t have to talk about it with everyone. I always thought that if I said I’m doing well and it wasn’t true that I wasn’t 100% real or honest. I got some comments on my blog post a few months ago that it’s okay to not tell everyone everything. I’m always so used to be open. I’m an open book. It’s just important to be able to talk about heavy and uncomfortable stuff with people you trust. Be careful who you let in your life. I hope to not make again mistakes as in way of telling people personal things so that they can hurt me with it. Find friends who love and support you unconditionally. If you feel like you haven’t someone you can trust, remember I’ll always be there for you all 🙏❤.

Here’s a list of things I do which makes me feel good. It really helps me with living with an anxiety disorder. Maybe, there are things on this list which will help you too.

  • Surfing 🏄🌊🌞: I really feel sad that I still didn’t surf since two years. I can’t wait to surf again. The feeling of standing on your surfboard and hearing the waves creates a sense of freedom. I’m forever a beach girl and the ocean is my home.
  • Reading 📚: Lately, I’m into reading again. I used to read so many books in my childhood. It makes me so happy to read great novels and also self helps books which help me cope with living with anxiety.
  • Writing/blogging ✒💭: I love to write in my journal or use a scrapbook for all my memories, thoughts and feelings. I also love to write poems. Blogging also always makes me feel better. I’m so happy to have this amazing blog and community where I can write and let everything go. Writing for me is such an important tool to just let all my thoughts go.
  • Singing/Listening to music 🎤🎶: I used to sing in a choir for 11 years. I really miss that time. Hopefully, I will sing in the future again in a choir or something. Singing also always release my emotions and make me feel so happy. I love to record covers and share them. Listening to music also always make me feel so peaceful. It feels great to listen to songs with a lyrics that you feel like it’s written for you. Music is life and will always be there for you in good and bad times.
  • Taking medication 💊: It can be antidepressants, anti anxiety medication or other medication. Just anything that makes you feel better. Medication saves lives and are important when you need them.
  • Being surrounded by my family and friends who support me 💕: It feels great to talk about your struggles with people you can trust too and who will be there for you. Find your tribe/community. Try to share your inner feelings and thoughts.
  • Enjoying nature 🌳🌹🌻🍂🍃: Going for a walk or just being outside in nature can do so many good things for your physical and mental health. Fresh air is all you need to just stay present.
  • Photography 📷: I would like to pick up this hobby again because I love to take pictures. I once used a lomography camera and I’ve made some really mysterious and beautiful pictures. Maybe, one day I will share them on my blog.
  • Being creative 🎨: I love to create a mess of art. I love wreck this journal, paint something abstract or just decorate my room. It feels good to let everything out of your mind and create something with the mess in my mind.
  • Travelling 🌍✈: I love to discover new beautiful places on this big world. Whenever I travel I can distance myself from all the worries I have. Then I feel like my worries aren’t that big compared to the whole universe. Travelling gives me another perspective of life.
  • Swimming 🏊: Swimming is soooo good for your health in general. It makes me feel more peaceful and happier. It’s also good for my back pain and muscles. I need to swim again because it also makes me sleep better and is so good to have less anxiety in life. Swimming is just so relaxing.
  • Yoga 🙇: I tried some yoga classes a few times in my life and I loved it. It made me feel more relax. Yoga create a sense of calm. Yoga is really good for your health too. I have to go to do some classes again.
  • Yoga girl postcasts 🙏: Rachel Brathen is a famous Swedish international yoga teacher. I will soon share a blog post about her because she is just the best. She’s my biggest inspiration in life. I can’t wait to go on one of her yoga retreats in Aruba in her yoga studio Island Yoga. Her postcasts are out every Friday on Spotify or Itunes. She also has a Youtube Channel. I love her postcasts so much. They are full wisdom and inspiration. They are about parenthood, trauma, self-love, mental health, anxiety, yoga, body positivity, rape, family, grief, achieving your dreams, and so much more. You can also now join her Yoga Girl community on Facebook.
  • Eating and sleeping well 🍴😴: Eating the right food is so important to feel good in your body and good for your mind. Also sleeping enough and sleeping well is really important for your wellbeing. If I don’t sleep enough I feel even more anxious the next day and I can’t concentrate well.

There are so many other things too which you can do to feel good. You just have to find what’s best for you. You know yourself as the best. Remember, to always be kind to yourself. You are loved and not alone. You have so many gifts to offer to this world. Together we are going to end this mental health stigma 💪💕💊. Every day is world mental health day not just today.

Mental health is as important as physical health. There are still so many people from all different ages and nationalities suffering. They all need help and we need to end the stigma around this issue. We aren’t crazy in our minds. We are sick. We all need help, support and compassion. To raise awareness about world mental health day you can donate money to a mental health organization, you can draw a circle on your hand with the hastag #iamwhole or wear something yellow with the hastag #helloyellow and post it on social media.

I hope that you all liked this blog post. I hope it made you feel that you belong in this world. I’ll always be there for you all. Keep going my fighters and warriors 💪 We are all in this together. Do you also have a mental illness? What do you do to feel better? Can you relate to my words? I would love to know your thoughts in the comment section.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

I’m fed up of people telling me how to live my life

8 octubre 2018

Hey lovelies 💕,

Today is again a day to write about my feelings and thoughts. I will write about how I feel that I can’t live my life because of my parents controlling my life. I just cried so much. I’m back in The Netherlands since almost two weeks. When I’m alone with my mother everything is fine but now we are back in The Netherlands I knew my father would make me again push me to get a job. Here I’m again feeling like there are people controlling my life which increase my anxiety and makes me feel like I can’t follow my dreams because they don’t let me.

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My mother is also always talking about how I have to search for a job etc. I’m searching, I really am but everything about searching for a job just gives me so much anxiety. I think they don’t understand it at all. Only the people who are going through this know how much a struggle all of this is and especially having an anxiety disorder makes it all even more complicated and difficult. I’m counting the days down when I will go to Spain again with my mother on the 27th of December. Even though my father booked a flight back in January I don’t want to go back to Holland. I want to live and work in Spain. That’s my dream. It feels like he don’t let me. All my life I’ve done what others expect me to do and I’m so done of that. It still feels like I can’t speak up because I know how he will act and that he would get angry. I’m afraid of speaking up. I always stay quiet and accept everything when it isn’t good for me at all. Two years ago I spoke about this subject with a mental health worker where I went for some therapy sessions and she said that I get so much influence of my family. I need to stop it and it’s just so true.

I love my family but I have to live this life my own way. It’s my life. I’m 25 years old. Yesterday my father already said that he had seen a job for me in Amsterdam of Hema. That’s a nice Dutch brand. That job was for native Spanish and Dutch speakers and was about helping in the customer service section. You would gain at least €1000 each month. Okay, it sounds nice but I’ve to decide if I want to do that job not my father. I just want to search and apply for jobs on my own like I’ve done these months. I got so many calls from a company from Portugal which I never pick up because I’m afraid but maybe I have to pick it up. Maybe, I have to start a life somewhere else. Today my father saw another vacancy which was about working in the international office of the University of Amsterdam. They could pay you like €2000 each month. Yeah, it sounds nice and the working tasks were all the tasks I did on my internship in Valladolid, in Spain last year. Just an hour ago, my father said okay you can make a cv and tomorrow you are going to apply. Just like that. I said yes. I already have my cv but fuck off I don’t want to apply just because he force and push me to apply for this job. I’m now looking into websites which has Dutch companies in Spain. I want to search for a job on my own because I want to not just because my father wants me to do that job. He even said that he would come to my interview. Then maybe I would say a lie like that they didn’t hire me. 

I just want that they can all leave my alone. It gives me this feeling of wanting to give up in life because I can’t live my life my way. I always have to do what people except me to do in order to please them all and to never get anyone angry at me. I feel like I can not always do something for myself in my life and that really frustrates me. I also did some things for myself but I feel again that isn’t enough. I went on exchange to Spain because I wanted to. I did my intership last year in Spain because I wanted to. I remember how my father wasn’t positive about applying for the essay contest to get a free trip to New York City and speak at the United Nations. He thought I wouldn’t win and it was in the middle of my studies. I had to focus on my studies and blablabla. Well, I applied two years and I won the second year. So, fuck yeah I’m so proud of myself that I applied and didn’t listen to other people voices 💪. When I won he was happy and proud of me but that’s a bit too late in my eyes. You have to support me from the beginning. My mother always support me and was positive and said that I had a chance to win. I just can’t deal with negative and toxic people.

This weekend I cried so much and I felt so bad 😢. I was also beginning to think like really negative thoughts as that I just want to die and that I’m a failure. I was throwing pillows and was so angry alone in my room. I wanted to hurt myself and escape the pain. I never did self harm and I also won’t do it. I was feeling that I’m not in control with my body and mind. This situation makes me so anxious. I was at a point that I almost got a panic attack as I was breathing fast, crying and my heart was beating also too fast. I’m fed up of feeling this way and living at home. I’m afraid of living on my own and need to work to have money to be able to effort that one day. I just want to do what feels good for me. 

I love my family, I really do but making all these dicisions for me isn’t helping me at all. My mother also said it’s for your best. Well, maybe what you think is for my best isn’t for me the best. I’m my own person. I’m not the person you want me to be. Parents sometimes think they can make the perfect daughter or son. I’m so against that. Just let your child be the person they want to be, free of judgment and just be themselves. I’ve always felt supported in life but also in someway not because I’ve always felt afraid of my father character to be angry at me for doing the wrong things or saying the wrong things. I always keep quiet and say yes to everything. I only saw my best friend last Sunday and some of my family and friends from my brother on the wedding party last Saturday in Haarlem. I also saw some people of my choir on the cremation of Lisa last Wednesday. For the rest, I’m only with my parents and it isn’t helping me at all. I need to be with people of my age who understand me and know what I’m going through just like you all. 

You know me even better than people who know me in my real life. You know my ugly parts which I don’t show in real life. You know when I struggle and when I feel happy. You know when I feel vulnerable and need to share my thoughts and feelings to feel lighter in my mind. You know how anxiety makes me feel. You know how hard life can be living with a mental illness. You know my flaws and accept me for who I’m. I appreciate that so much. It’s really so special to find such good and understanding people nowadays. Many people live for their own. They seem to not care about others. I’m so happy I found my mental health community and my blogging community who will always be there for me. It really helps me a lot and makes me feel less alone in my struggles. I just wish to meet you all one day 🌍✈.

Tomorrow my father will make me apply for that job even though I don’t know if I want to do that. The money and job description isn’t that bad but on paper I read you have to work there one year. Maybe, you can quit earlier I don’t know. I don’t want to work here in Holland. I want to go to Spain. I also don’t want to apply just because someone force me to apply. It increase my anxiety and I feel again not good. I just don’t know what to do… I feel hopeless that I’m always struggling with this job vs family issue. Maybe, I’m going to see one of my good friends this week which I can always tell about everything and makes me feel less alone with this issue. There are more people struggling with this. It feels good to share your struggles with good friends and also talk about solutions.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope I didn’t sound like I wanted to complain and kept repeating myself. I just feel like this issue keeps repeating itselves and it doesn’t make me feel good. What would you do in my situation? Can you relate to not being able to live your life because other people want to control your life? I hope some of you may have some tips in dealing with this as it will help me a lot. Thank you all so much in advance 🙏💕

Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina

Life is fragile

2 octubre 2018

Hey lovelies 💕,

I always am like I will write now this blog post and then suddenly my head is full of other ideas or something happens and I want to write about a different subject. I think it’s important to always blog about what you are feeling and thinking in that moment. This is a blog post which I just need to share because I feel this way in this moment. This blog post will be about that life is fragile, the loss of Lisa, a girl I know from my choir and how we often take for granted life and our health. I hope this post will not sound that sad but it’s just what I’m thinking and experiencing right now.

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I came back from Spain last Wednesday night. On Thursday when I woke up I was just checking my phone what I always do. I checked Facebook and read the bad news of Lisa. I read that she had died and I was like no way this can’t be true. Unfortunately, this sad news was true. I woke up cyring. Me and my parents couldn’t believe it. We were all shocked. Lisa got leucemia 8 years ago and almost died during that time. She also had to go to intensive care and went through many chemo therapies. The worst what happened after she was 8 years free of cancer was that this year she got leucemia back. The same form of cancer. This news was unbelievable hard. She has a blog too where she shared all her stories of her life with leucemia. I always read all those blog posts.

8 years ago I remember that I was always asking her sister when I saw her listening to the choir how Lisa was doing. It was the time my father also was in the hospital. This year she had to go again through chemotherapy. Last week she was going through her second chemotherapy. In the future she would have gone through a stam cell therapy too. It was all too much for her body. On Wednesday she was doing really bad and had to go to the intensive care. She died beacuse of liver problems because of the leucemia. She was just 29 years old. She also sang in my choir. I don’t think I was in the choir the same time as she because she was older than me but I saw her during concerts and other times we had to sing with the choir. It’s really so unbelievable sad and heartbreaking that she passed away so young. She was just married one year ago in May in the cathedral where we always sang in Haarlem.

What I admire of her is how positive she always remained on her blog. Lisa also wrote a book about her sickness which is called “Gebroken bloed”. You can buy it on Bol. Her blog is Lisa Hilders if anyone wants to read it but it’s in Dutch. Even though she went through so much she was such a fighter. In one of her last blogs she wrote about how our health is the most important thing in life. If we aren’t healthy we have nothing. I have a hard time dealing with anxiety in my life but I’m happy that I can walk, hear and see. So many people have illnesses and can’t do the things we can. Cancer is a horrible illness. Anxiety is a horrible illness but I can’t die from it. Even though sometimes I feel like dying when I have a panick attack or feel high anxious.

This just reminds me that life is a gift and that we can’t take it for granted. Life is fragile. Sometimes I get caught up in all the negativity and sadness of the world and make myself anxious for nothing. It isn’t worth to feel all of that. The loss of Lisa reminds me again how fragile life is. One second you live, and one second you are dying. We never know what tomorrow will brings us. We have to live for today even thought it’s sometimes difficult to stay present. I also find being grateful really important. In the blog of Lisa I could read how she felt grateful to be at her home during the chemo therapies and how she enjoyed that time to the fullest. We always take things in life for granted and began to think of the things when we don’t have it like our health. Writing this also makes me angry and sad because sometimes life can be so unfair. Why Lisa?! She was fighting to the end and I really was hoping that she would get out of this again. Cancer is just a horrible illness and still so many people die from it every day. I’m glad I donated money in the past for this organization to research more about cancer in that way to safe lives.

The female conductor of my choir wrote a message on the Facebook group of my choir where I’m still updated of news. She posted a post that Lisa passed away and if we wanted to sing two choir songs: Cantique de Jean Racine from Gabriel Fauré and an Irish Blessing. This would be at the cremation of Lisa this Wednesday. I first thought of singing but then I thought that maybe I would be too emotional if I sing so I send the conductor a message. She said that of course I’m welcome and that it’s important for the choir members to focus on this special role. They want to do this for the family of Lisa. I know it will be beautiful. She also said that it’s good that I said that maybe it’s too much for me because there will be many emotions during this cremation. I never went to a cremation before and I’m a bit anxious. I always escaping life and also everything about death. I guess it’s now time to go for the first time and experience this. My mother is also going with me. She worked at my primary school and know my choir members. I’m looking forward to see many of my choir members again because it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them.

This sad news just reminded me that we all can get sick and that we have to live each day as it’s our last. Nothing last forever. We all are going to die. Some earlier than others. I find it important to say I love you to my family and good friends often because you never know when will be the last time you will see a loved one. I don’t want to sound depressing but this is just real life. I’m already sad because of the loss of Lisa and think I would have a very difficult time if a family member or good friend would die. I still need to accept that death is part of life. I have thanatophobia which is a fear of death. I will write a blog post about this subject soon.

It’s good that I’m going this Wednesday with my mother and not alone. If I really get anxious I can always take some anti anxiety medication with me to be sure I’m okay. I do this for Lisa. You are not suffering anymore. I hope you didn’t suffer when you were dying. I wish your family, your hushband, friends and people who know Lisa my deepest condolences. I’m here for you all. I will light up a candle and pray for you 🙏❤. May she rest in peace. She will always be reminded as a beautiful women, a beautiful soul that left this world way too young. She will always be in our hearts.

My heart also goes for everybody who is fighting any form of cancer. You are all fighters and warriors. I wish you all a good revocery. I hope you will all beat this horrible illness. I’m here for you all. We’re all in this together. I think of you all. There’s a light in all this darkness. I hope that many organizations and doctors are going to research more and more and there will be better and more solutions for people suffering from cancer. Healthcare is improving and I’m sure that one day there will be even more and better treatments available. I wish that everyone can have a good treatment and get the help they need and deserve. Everyone deserve to be healthy.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also think life is fragile? Do you also have a family member who has or had cancer? Do you also think we take our health for granted? I wish you lots of strength and love 🙏💕. I’m always here for you if anyone of you need to talk.

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Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina

Hey warrior, keep going 💪❤️

28 septiembre 2018

Hey lovelies 💕,

I wanted to write this blog post before I share some other posts I’ve in my mind such as a travel diary and a photo diary from my last trip to Somo, Santander with my mother and a shopping haul. This letter is for all of you and for myself ❤️ We all need to hear those words. I just felt inspired to write this. I hope this letter is going to make you smile.

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Hey you beautiful and awesome human being ❤️,

I know you want to give up. I know you have had enough of feeling bad all the time. I know having a mental illness is really hard and the stigma makes it harder to ask for help and get the right help. I know it’s all too much for you. I know you don’t want to suffer anymore. Always remember that even if you feel like giving up you aren’t alone in your suffering. There are so many more people who feel the same way, just like you. They may not feel the same feeling at the same time in their lives but will feel it too one day. It’s normal to feel your feelings. Your feelings are valid. Not because someone may have it worse doesn’t mean your struggles don’t count. They all count. Feel your feelings and let them go. The only way to let them go is to feel them and not bottling them up. Write about it, be angry, cry, ask for help or talk about it.

Remember, you are a fighter. You are a warrior 💪 You can’t just give up. You have come from such a long journey. Maybe you have been bullied, had trauma in your life or had your heart broken. Maybe you have lost someone in your life. You have made it until today with all the bad experiences. You also may have experienced great things like a pass on your exam, graduated or had fun with your friends. Life is all the good and bad. Even if you feel alone know that there are people who care about you. Sometimes those people are people you know and sometimes those are strangers. A few nights ago I asked for help at @7cupssupport and it felt great that strangers were listening to my struggles. Last night I listened to people who were struggling. When the chat ended they were feeling a bit better and thanked me. The world needs more people that help each other and love each other. The world needs more positivity.

Helping other people in need when you are struggling yourself is a big strength. I’m happy to see that that’s one of my good qualities. We all have good qualities. Sometimes we just are focusing more on the negative ones. It’s easier to be our own enemies than to be our inner best friend. We criticize ourselves way too often and fast. We tell ourselves we aren’t good enough. We tell ourselves we aren’t beautiful. This isn’t true. We don’t have to look a certain way to be considered beautiful. Society is wrong. All body sizes are beautiful.

I’m learning to say to myself that I’m worth it and that I’m beautiful. You are beautiful too. You are enough. I’m sure we are all capable of doing amazing things in life. It’s okay if it takes time. All good things come with pacience. I believe in the good things coming. I believe in the law of attraction. We always attract what we think of or what we feel. Energy never lies. I find it still difficult to think positively because it’s hard but every day I’m learning. Every day we grow as a person and learn new things. We are art. We aren’t meant to stay the same way. Life would be a routine and boring if we would never experience new things and grow. Going out of your comfortzone is such a great way to use your qualities and know that you are capable of things you even didn’t know you could do. I find it still hard but I’m trying to go out of my comfortzone more and more. Life begins at the end of your comfortzone. That’s were the magic begins. Great things start to happen there.

Don’t give up. If you ever need to talk, I will be here for you all 🙏❤️ Together we are stronger. This too shall pass. Your story isn’t over. Tomorrow needs you. Tomorrow needs you because the world wouldn’t be the same without you. Tomorrow needs you because you are such a strong human being. Tomorrow needs you because there are people out there who never met you and will love you. Tomorrow needs you because you help people and inspire others with sharing your story. Tomorrow needs you because you can achieve your biggest dreams. Always dream big. We can do this all together 💜🙏

The world wouldn’t be the same without you. I know you will hear this often but it’s true. You are made out of galaxies and stars 💫🌠⭐ You are unique. This world is a miracle too. It’s magic. We are all magic. Even though there’s a lot of darkness in the world there’s also light. You light up this beautiful world with your beautiful smile, your laugh, your honesty, your values and sensitivity. You are amazing. No other person could be you. That’s why I always say stay yourself. There’s nothing better than just be yourself. If you try to please others and be like others you won’t end up happy. Not everyone is going to be your friend and that’s okay. Be with people who care about you and love you unconditionally. Leave toxic people and relationships. Unfollow these people on social media. Get inspired by people who lift you up and motivates you. You don’t deserve people who bring you down. Your time in life is precious so use it wisely and spend it with people who spread good vibes and are good energy for you.

The world is a better place with you. I’m so thankful for all the people I’ve met online. There’s something special about these people. Maybe, we aren’t so broken as we think. Our struggles become our strengths. We heal ourselves with helping each other, by being vulnerable and honest. I get tears in my eyes and cry of thinking how much I love you all ❤️😭

This beautiful connection we all have together will never go away. I’m so blessed to have friends like you all. I never knew I could find such amazing people who respect me and never judge me. Thank you for holding space for me to be real, honest and vulnerable. Thank you for understanding me when I don’t understand myself and when I feel alone. I really wish to meet you all soon one day 🌍Be strong and safe my lovely fighters.

I hope you all liked this post 😄. I wanted to write something new. Did you love my letter? Did it make you feel better and inspired you? Let me know in the comments. Speak to you all soon 😘😘😘

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

10 tips on how to face your fears & overcoming my dentist fear

23 septiembre 2018

Hey lovelies 💕,

I’m back from my trip to Somo, Santander last Tuesday. I just went three days. I will soon share a blog post about this trip and a photo diary. Today I want to share something I really need to write about which is about how to face your fears. It’s just going to be some personal tips. Maybe they will not all be helpful for everyone. Feel free to add a tip in the comment section. I’m also sharing how I’m going to overcome my dentist fear. Facing a fear is a topic which I struggle a lot with because of suffering from anxiety. I know everyone gets nervous or can be scared of something. People suffering from a mental illness can experience it so bad that they feel physical and emotional symptoms. I always feel extremely anxious when I do something I’m afraid of.

When I get high anxiety, I can feel very emotional, cry a lot, feel like I’m dying, feeling nauseous, dizzy, hiperventilation and feel a racing heart beat and so many more symptoms. It’s really the worst. I know we all get scared but when you suffering from an anxiety disorder a fear can become a real obstacle in life. Maybe, you all know about the fight, freeze or flight response. When you are in a situation you fear you can either fight and go for it and overcome it. You can also do nothing and just freeze. You can also flight which is the one I always do. I’m way too good at escaping everything I fear in life. I will cover myself in blankets in bed and will think what a peaceful and lovely world. The world is full of danger but in my world and my bed I’m safe and sound. I know it isn’t a great way.

It’s so important to overcome our fears. When we overcome our fears we grow as a person. I have let fears consume my life and because I run away from them they only became bigger which is worse for my anxiety. It becomes a much more struggle when we run away from everything we fear then when we face it. I know it’s easier said than done. I still have to practice and learn a lot. Now, I’m going to share 10 tips on how I think you can overcome a fear.

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1. Journal about your fear

It doesn’t matter which fear you have. Are you scared of snakes, flying, public speaking, hospitals or anything else? I find it great to write about my fear like I do on my blog or in my journal. Whenever you write about your fear it feels like you can let it a bit go. Write down why you are afraid and some experiences in the past with this fear. Analysing a fear is important as you can come to a conclusion why you have this fear. For example, I fear public speaking not because I don’t like to talk to people. I fear public speaking because I don’t like to be in the middle of attention and I don’t like it because I’m afraid to make a fool out of myself. I’m afraid to fail and embarrass myself in front of all people.

2. Take little steps to overcome your fear

If you fear something it’s important to face a fear with baby steps. If you are afraid of travelling on your own then I think it’s not a good idea to go and travel the whole world on your own at once. You can for example take little trips in your country and then for example in your continent and then when you are ready you will be able to overcome your fear and can travel the world. Taking little steps will give you the courage to overcome your fear. It helps me a lot to not feel overwhelmed about a big fear.

3. Feel your feelings and accept them

If you feel anxious or scared feel it and admit that you are anxious. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. You have the right to feel this way. If you are hiding and bottlling up your emotions, one day you will break down because it will be too much for you. Accept that you are afraid to do something. Even when you feel like a fear can consume you, you have to know that you have the power and control over it. You can control your fears.

4. Believe in yourself

It’s important when you are going to overcome a fear to believe in yourself. If you are constantly saying negative things about yourself you will only feel worse. Say to yourself I can do this. I can overcome this fear even though I’m anxious. I’m a warrior 💪🍀 How many times did I think I couldn’t do something and at the end I could do it because I felt strong enough to face my fears. We all have that strength in us.

5. Think of all the positive things you’ve achieved in your life

To think back of all your victories in life is a great way to feel positive about facing your fear. You have done something scary before and you could do it. The feeling of achieving something you felt scared of is just so great. It’s a great emotion and can make you feel stronger to constantly facing a fear in life whether it’s a big or a little fear.

6. Get help and support from your friends and family

I love to know that I’ve a lovely family and some good friends who will always be there for me. It can really help to have a great tribe of people who encourage you when you have to face a fear. Their support and encouragment can make a huge difference. I remember how scared I was to do my speech at the United Nations in NYC a few years ago. My family and good friends encouraged me and said that I could do it. I started to feel positive. Whenever I don’t believe in myself they will always believe in me. We are our worst enemies right. We have to be our inner best friends and tell us that we can do it.

7. Take action

I know so many times that I think of something I fear and I just don’t take action and only think about the fear. This will not solve anything at all. I remember so many times that I was for example afraid of doing an exam because I was afraid to fail. I ended up not doing the exam. Then, I learned for the exam and I made the exam and I passed. Taking action on facing a fear is so important. You can’t let the fear rule your life. Action builds courage and strength.

8. Know the difference between a rational and irrational fear

A great way to face a fear is analysing a fear and asking yourself questions. A rational fear is a real fear which can be a death or an illness. An irrational fear is a fear of something harmless or potentially dangerous, but whose probability of occuring is low or not possible. For example, if I know one of my family members has cancer and the doctor says he has a posibility to die then it’s a rational fear.

I have always had more irrational fears in my life. For example, whenever I’m flying I think the airplane will crash and get myself very anxious. Of course, it can happen but the facts show that flying is way more safer than riding a car and that the possibility to die in a plain crash is really low. Airplane have the newest technology and there are 1000000 airplanes flying every second. It’s good to distinct your fears. Ask yourself if it’s worth to be fearful and if there’s a high chance that the thing you fear will come true or if your mind is playing tricks with you. Most of the things I was anxious about never happened.

9. If you can’t overcome a fear alone ask for a friend or family member to come with you

I always go to the doctors or dentist with my mother or father. I prefer to go with someone I trust and who can help me to overcome that fear. If I go alone I would feel even more anxious. You don’t have to do it your alone. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s also much easier to face your fear with someone then on your own.

10. Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts

I know this one is easier said than done. I just believe so much in the law of attraction. Energy never lies and we attract the things we feel and think. I have had moments in my life that I thought every bad thing was happening to me. When I began to think more positive thoughts I could feel the good energy flowing into my life. I remember a time that I lost something and find it back. I remember when I helped a man find a hostel here in Valladolid and then he invited me for a free diner in a tapas restaurant. Negative thoughts will only make you more fearful. Positive thoughts will make you believe you can overcome your fear and you will 💪💕 We are all in this together.

As I’m done sharing my 10 tips of overcomig a fear I would like to share a little bit more about my dentist fear and how I’m going to overcome it. Last Wednesday was a very emotional and nerve-wracking day. I had an appointment with the dentist here in Valladolid. I have problems with my wisdom teeth as you already know. I knew I had to go to the dentist to ask a second opinion here in Spain. After two years of postponing it I went to check it. I went with my mother. They made a picture of my teeth. One woman at the reception asked me to sign a paper and she asked if I take medication. I was silence and then told her I take antidepressants and that I have anxiety. I still find it hard to open up about my mental health illness even to doctors. I don’t want that they think I’m crazy. Then I had to wait for a while and finally it was time to enter the scary room of the dentist haha 😂😨

The first thing I did when I sat down on the dentist chair was crying. I cried so much. I felt ashamed to be so anxious and that I had to cry. He said: “it’s okay you can cry.” I was thinking like what?! I can be sensitive and cry hell yes 👊. He said: “I also cry.” I find that really amazing that he said that because there are so many men who say they never cry and appear strong. We all cry. We are all human. He checked my teeth and said I had caries in the four wisdom teeth. They all need to be pulled out. This scared me a lot. He told me I don’t have to worry because I will not feel any pain. He will give me medication and antibiotics. He even said if I wanted to do it today or tomorrow lol I was like no way. The assistant came and said yes you can do it tomorrow. The he said don’t pressure her, you can decide it. I have never felt so understood and comfortable at the dentist. Besides, he is so handsome omggg 😍

I made an appointment to get one pulled out one monday. I hope I’m not going to cancel the appointment because of way too much fear. I’m still scared as hell. I tell myself it’s going to be okay. He said it will only take 15 minutes. I told him too about having anxiety in life and searching for a job. He said that I’ve to accept that your dream job doesn’t come at once. Everything takes time. I have to face my fears which is just so true. I have to stop running away from everything I fear. I can do this 🙏 I will take an anti anxiety medication on Monday and the night before. The other 3 wisdom teeth will be pulled out when I’m back in Spain. Just one at a time. That’s the best for me. I’m a warrior 💪💪

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Thank you all for reading. I hope you learned a lot about these 10 tips in facing a fear. I hope you can you use them too in your daily lives. We are all fighters 💪 We can go through it all together. Can you relate to these tips? How would you face a fear? Do you also have dentist anxiety and how are you overcoming this fear? Did you ever get a tooth pulled out? Let me know in the comments your thoughts and experience.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

Sometimes all you need is a trip to the ocean 🌊🌞🏄

15 septiembre 2018

Hola lovelies 💕,

I’m really feeling like I’m in stuck lately. I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and I’m not. It feels like I’m not living at all but just surviving with these feelings and thoughts. I just have to take it day by day. My anxiety is getting bad again as you may you have read in my last blog posts. In this blog post I will tell you why I spontaneous planned a trip to the beach with my mum and why it will help my mental health so much.

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I edited this collage with beautiful beach quotes I found ✌

Last week, I enjoyed the fiestas of Valladolid which was 10 days long. I enjoyed the delicious tapas, I went to amazing concerts and I had fun with my mother and friends. Last Friday, I was waiting for an artist to get a picture with them and you never know who I saw also waiting for the artist: the dentist. The one I’ve to go and the one who did the dental implant of my mother. Hhahah it was so funny and also kinda awkward 😂. I was all the time talking about how I’ve to go to the dentist and that I’m anxious about it. My mother said maybe that’s him. Then he turned around and he said “hola” to my mother and to me “oh so you are the one who is afraid.” I said yes haha feeling shy. He was with a girl and I saw them kissing a lot lol it was such a pretty random meeting. He was also smoking which I think is pretty strange if you are a dentist, right?! I think smoking isn’t that good for your tooth but hey, that’s my opinion. We talked a bit about the artists and he said he enjoyed the concert and then they walked away. He seemed pretty handsome 😆. He’s like 40 years I guess.

Last Wednesday, I entered the dentist clinic and I really had to force myself to make an appointment. I didn’t see the dentist. I went with my mother and we only talked to a woman in the reception. She seemed nice and they even had a video with ambiance music with nature sounds. Hahah, seems perfect for anxious people like me 😂. She said we had to make an appointment because everything was full that day. I said I didn’t have any pain only that my wisdom teeth aren’t okay. I’ve an appointment for next Wednesday at 7.00 in the afternoon. I hope I’ll not again postpone it and don’t go. I know I’ve to go and that’s is the best for my health. It’s only to make a picture of my tooth and talk with the dentist. You all know I’ve airplane tickets to go back to The Netherlands on the 26 of September. So, I don’t know if I need to get a treatment for my wisdom teeth before and if there’s enough time for it. I prefer to do it here because if he really is nice and caring, it would be much better for me. It’s also cheaper in Spain. I’ve been thinking to send the dentist clinic a message on Facebook about my anxiety but maybe that would be strange.

So, Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep again and was thinking that I really need to get away to feel better. I had to something to feel less anxiety and be happy again. I knew exactly what it was. I wanted to go to a Surf Camp in Somo, Santander which is in the north of Spain for so long. I also wanted to surprise my mother because her birthday is on the 22th of September. My father’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I sent him via a website a pie with some designed pictures so I also wanted to do something special for my mother. I was looking for hotels and found a cheap hotel in Somo, a paradise for surfers. This hotel has also a delicious Italian restaurant. Pizza and a beach hotel is just the perfect combination 🍕🌊. I’m already hungry for the pizza I’m going to eat 😍. The hotel is just 150 meters from the beach. I booked spontaneous a hotel for two nights which costed €110 which is pretty cheap. We are going this Sunday until Tuesday. The reviews of this hotel were so good too. I’m not going to a Surf Camp because the last one was this weekend. Instead, I’m going to take surf classes for €30 🏄🌊🌞. I didn’t surf since two years so I’m really looking forward to it. Maybe, I will take one or two. My mother is really happy with this present. I’m so excited to go away for a few days. We still have to pack. My mother already bought the train tickets. It was like €78 for both and with some discount cards. 

Sometimes you just have to do what your mind tells you to do as in ways of doing spontaneous things such as travelling. Travelling always make me so happy even though flying makes me anxious. I prefer to travel by bus or train. I know flying is safe but I still feel anxious on airplanes and especially when there are turbulences. I just need to go to a beautiful place to clear my mind and be at peace. The best place to go for me is the beach. Feeling the wind in my hair, tasting the salt sea, hearing the waves, watching the waves crashing into the rocks, smelling the salt air all creates me a sense of peace. The sea gives me so much happiness. It always makes me so happy. I feel more calm and my anxiety become less. When I’m at the beach I feel one with the world and I can’t think of any problems. It all disappear just at that moment. Whenever I take the first step on the sand I already feel that the world is a happy place and that I belong here. In another blog post, I will write more about my relationship with the sea. I’ve always loved the sea. In The Netherlands, I lived just 15 min by car or one hour by bike from the sea. Here in Spain, the nearest place for me is Santander. It takes 3 hours by train or 4 and a half hours by bus. The beach of Somo is 30 minutes away by bus or 15 min by boat from Santander. 

Somo is a beautiful beach to enjoy for especially surfers. I’ve always wanted to go there and now I’m finally going and I feel like I’m in heaven when I look at this two videos. The beach is so beautiful. It’s a paradise for beach lovers as me. You can swim in the ocean and take beautiful walks. I love to walk on the beach. I love to swim in the ocean. I love to surf. I love to read on the beach. I love to take pictures on the beach. You can do so many amazinf activities on the beach. The list is endless. This beach is more than 2000 km long and it’s a beach of sand which I love. I don’t like beaches with rocks or stones that much. It hurts me. I love to feel the soft sand in my toes. I’m always covered with sands haha whereas so many other people hate it. The sand is my friend hahaha 😂. I love it all. Beautiful nature 😍💕🌊🌞.  

Just look at these two videos I found on Youtube and you will know what I mean.

The sea cures everything. The salty water is so good for your health. I’ve also felt afraid in the ocean and respect it much because it seems like a infinite place. I can swim very well but I’m afraid to drown. I never go too deep into the ocean just to be safe. I remember a time I went to a Surf Camp in Galicia in the north of Spain too and was afraid of the high waves there. There was also bad weather so it didn’t make it better. I was looking at the weather and it will be between 22 and 28 degrees the days we’re going so that’s perfect 👌. The water is always much colder than the south of Spain. It also rains a lot in this region (Cantabria) so I always check the weather before I go. I just love to be in the sea, swim and surf. I never catched a real wave so hopefully one day I will. I can stand on the surfboard. I’m just still learning and just having fun which is the most important. I didn’t do it for two years so I’m still a beginner. I have to look if I still fit in my wetsuit. The sea is my medicine. Everything about the sea makes me feel so calm. Nature definitely is so beautiful and we have to go there more and enjoy it more. Whenever I’m surfing, swimming or just walking at the beach I forget everything. I feel at peace at the moment. Just being present makes such a difference in my anxious mind. Not thinking about the past or not thinking about the future is just the best. I have to admit that I really have to focus more on the now even though it’s difficult. It makes such a different in your mindset.

I can’t wait to go on Sunday. I’m counting the hours to meet the real love of my life again, the ocean. My last time at the beach was at the end of July when I went to Granada. I already miss it so much. Here’s a little poem I wrote about the love I have for the ocean. I hope you like it. I want to share more poems which I wrote.

The love of the ocean 🌊

The ocean who is always there for me, in good and bad times.

The ocean who knows all my secrets.

The ocean who knows my fears.

The ocean who never let me down.

The ocean who calms my anxiety.

The ocean who cures everything.

The ocean who makes my heart so happy. 

The ocean is my home.

The ocean is where I belong.

I will never stop loving the ocean.

Sometimes all you need is vitamin sea. Just do the things which calm your soul and which makes you happy you are alive. We really have to do more things we love. At the end, we will only remember the trips we made, the people who love, the things as books, music and movies we listened and watched and which will hold deep memories. Do more of what makes you happy and free. We’ll always be young, wild, happy and free 😄✌💕.

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A beautiful picture and quote I edited. I took this picture some years ago at the beach Zandvoort in The Netherlands. I hope you like it 😄

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it inspired you to go on more spontaneous trips and do things which really make you happy in life. Do you also have dentist anxiety and do you have some tips to be calm? Do you also love to go on spontaneous trips? Do you love the sea as much as I do? Did you like my pictures and poem? I would love to know your thoughts and opinion 😄. I speak to you all soon in my next blog post which problably will be about this trip and maybe a photo diary.

Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina