My 28th birthday and a mental health update

8 Jun 2021

Hey lovelies 💕,

Today is my birthday 🎉🎂❤️. I don’t know whether I have to be happy about it. My best friend will come and some family members. Since this year began I’m having an incredible hard time. I know some people may have it worse and all but my pain is valid.

I’m basically in totally absence from social media and also from my blog. That’s not common for me. I’m struggling so much to be alive and it’s so damn hard to write this blog post. I don’t even know how to keep up with blogging anymore. I don’t even know where to begin. It’s so incredibly hard to write all that I’ve and still am feeling and experiencing. Since October last year I experiences terrible anxiety and from then it went all downwards until now…

I’ve had periods in my life that I was depressed and thought I want to die. Fortunately, these periods went away. However, right now I feel and am so scared that it’s going to last for like forever and I don’t want that. I’m suicidal for like months 😢. It’s so hard to write these words down because then it feels even more real. I’m going through a hell. Sometimes I have urges to do something badly to me which I don’t want. It’s just that I feel so much pain inside of me that I can’t cope anymore.

My mother is the best person in this world but can’t deal with this situation anymore. It’s too much at times 💔. It’s not like I really want to die. I’ve always been afraid of life and death so it seems really confusing and strange also that at the same time I say that I want to die. All I want is the suffering to stop. I don’t want these thoughts, emotions. I don’t want all those sleepless nights. I don’t want to not being able to be happy anymore. I don’t want back pain, shoulder pain, neck pain. I don’t want these headaches. I don’t want to cry so much. I don’t want panic attacks. I don’t want to feel all of this so intensely 😢. I don’t want an upset stomach.

I stopped doing what I loved the most which is writing because I feel a burden for everyone and just feel like it would be too negative. I just want to be happy and write about positive things again but at the moment I can’t. I don’t know whether to keep writing or not.

The worst of having anxiety and depression together is that I’ve lost my happiness for the things I love to do the most in life. I just want to feel alive again. Now only when I sleep I’m happy because I’m away for a time. Everything is a struggle but I’m glad I have professional help. Sometimes I’m really afraid to be inpatient. I just don’t know what to do at times anymore. Everything feel so uncertain and I feel like nothing is right in my life. Everyone keeps going. In fact it isn’t true because nobody knows what they are doing but are good in faking it. I’m real always and honest.

Since two months I’m going to day therapy twice a week. It’s all in groups. It’s been really good for me. It creates a schedule and routine for me. We paint, draw, do theater, have deep talks and are supportive for each other. It feels good to know that I’m not the only one struggling. We learn how to set boundaries and say no. We learn about our senses. I also help in the garden a lot. I made some nice friends too. Some have been inpatient, some have depression, anxiety or psychosis. We are all the same and it’s all okay. We matter. We are not our mental illness. The treatment team is so lovely. I feel really heard and welcome. I can cry whenever I want and it’s all okay. Last week I was at the gp crying too. She was also super nice. I love my doctor. She said that I will get through this even though it costs time. She also said that my story touched her. I thought I was just a number. Sometimes she calls me and asks me how I’m doing.

I still need to do a blood test but I hate needles and blood. It’s my biggest fear. I just want to make sure everything else is alright health wise. The only person who is a bit strange is my psychiatrist. He says to me that I have a house, parents and always can get money from the government if I don’t work. He also said you can do whatever you want with your life. You have the right to make an end or go on with life. Maybe he said that to make me think but it was just so strange. He talked about the universe too. I also talked about sex with him lol 😂 pretty normal. I just need him to subscribe me medication. I had Citalopram 30mg for 6 weeks but it didn’t work so I quit. Then I felt hot flashes and strange flashes. A few days ago I began Zoloft. I started with 50mg and will maybe go up to 100mg. I really pray it will help to ease my anxiety and especially the suicidal thoughts which come from depression. I have always struggled more with anxiety in the past but now depression too which is so hard. I don’t know which is harder. To have both is even worse.

Screw society expectations and everything. To be alive today on my 28th birthday is a milestone because I didn’t know I would. I’m still here and that’s all that matters. I hope this year will bring me health and happiness. I need it 🍀🙏. You matter always. I always think of all the things you have to have achieved on a certain age but screw that. I’m working on myself. My healing. My health. That’s the hardest work you can do. You will hopefully benefit your whole life from it.

Thank you always for being there for me. I never forget any of you. Now you know what’s going on with me. I will maybe update again. I will see. At least I will eat a delicious cake and some pizza today. The sun is also shining so that’s nice 🌞🍕😋. I just wish to be better one day…

Love you all 💞,

xoxo Christina

August favourites 💕🌞

22 Oct 2020

Hey lovelies 💕,

It’s still Summer in my head lol 🌞. I still need to write some posts about Summer haha. At least then I can still enjoy Summer. Nowadays all I see is rain and a grey sky in Holland. I miss Summer so much 😭. I hate the Winter months. It also makes me feel low and depressed at times. I had so much fun in August. I enjoyed the swimming pool many times, I ate a delicious amount of food in Spain, had fun with my friends and more which you can read below. August is only about food mostly haha I love it.

Things I did with my lovely family 👪:

Going to the swimming pool 🏊

I LOVE swimming so much! 😍💕 I already miss swimming so much. It’s so good for your physical and mental health. I went seven days to the swimming pool. I went some days with my mamita and also some days with my lovely Spanish friend. I also enjoyed eating some snacks, bread and reading some books and magazines on the grass. Those Summer days going to the pool are definitely what make my Summer complete. I wanted to go more days but I couldn’t because of my period and I also had to go to the dentist for my wisdom teeth removal. Swimming makes me feel so happy and relaxing. I can’t wait to swim again soon. I’m a mermaid forever 🧜‍♀️.

Eating a delicious ice cream 🍧

I love to eat ice creams from Iborra which is the famous ice shop in Valladolid. It’s SO damn delicious. It’s all natural. I always love the flavour white chocolate and mint chocolate chip ice cream. I love it so much!! We also made some nice pictures on the beautiful main square of Valladolid.

Milkshake time 💕

My favourite milkshake is the chocolate one with whipped cream. Aaaah it’s so delicious mmmm!! 😍 I like to eat it on La Plaza Mayor with mamita. She always drinks a camille tea. My mother also ate a delicious apple pie. It was a beautiful Summer night to spend the evening on a terrace outside.

Meeting up with Jairo and his mother 💖

We finally saw the mother of Verónica and Jairo. My brother didn’t come to Spain this Summer because of the pandemic. It was nice to see them and drinking something together. I hope that soon we can all be together again and celebrate life. I find it hard to not be all together again. That makes this time hard because all we want is just to be around our loved ones. That’s what makes life worth living. I hope those times will come soon again 🙏.

Eating a delicious tortilla at Erchus 😍

A typical Spanish food I love is tortilla de patata. It’s an omelete of eggs and potatoes. I also drank a delicious mosto which is grape juice and we got some free chips. I love the new restaurant Erchus so much. It looks pretty cool now with the letters and the new interior.

Delicious dinner at Elany 🍴

Elany is my favourite restaurant ever in Valladolid. I always come there so much. The owners are so sweet. It’s nice to go to places where you know the people 💞. That evening we ate some delicious croquettes with grape juice and we got free tortilla de patata with the Spanish flag 🇪🇸 haha. I always carry those ones home.

Pancakes in El Corte Inglés 🥞

El Corte Inglés has so much delicious food always. We ate delicious pancakes with whipped cream and warm chocolate sauce 🍫💞. My mother had some bread with fish and a delicious glass of red wine. I drank a camille tea. I love the view from the restaurant so much. You can see whole Valladolid. The restaurant is on the last floor which is the sixth floor.

Beautiful sunset in the park Las Moreras 🌇

I love Summer sunsets so much 🌞. I went for a beautiful walk many times with my mother and we saw a beautiful sunset. The sky was stunning. I loved the colours blue, pink and it even looked purple too. We don’t need much in life. I was in awe watching it. We went for a beautiful walk along the river and just enjoyed the view. It’s those little moments in life which counts so much ✨.

Walks in nature 🌲🌳

We spend some more time just enjoying nature and watching the beautiful view from the river. I love it so much. It’s so calming to watch the stillness of the water. Afterwards, we had a delicious dinner at Erchus. I loved the sandwich mixto with potatoes and a mosto. My mother drank a camille tea and got some free churros and olives. It was all delicious like always.

Things I did with my lovely friends 💖:

Having dinner with my lovely friend 💙

I enjoy eating dinner again at Elany. We always eat there. It’s cheap and delicious so why change from place?! I love my favourite restaurants so much. We eat some delicious croquettes with bread and some grape juice. It was so nice to be able to see friends again. I missed you so much amiguita mia. I love you forever. I’m so grateful to have such great people in my life who love me for the way I’m.

Other amazing things of August 💞:

New shirt from Azabache 👕

I love the new shirt I bought from my favourite shop Azabache. I have so many clothes from them. I love those hippie clothes. This white shirt is perfect for beautiful Summer days. I love the motives. It’s too cold now to wear it but maybe I can just wear it at home lol.

Watched The Greatest Showman 🎬

I got this beautiful DVD from my daddy for my birthday 😍. I already saw this movie once and it was amazing to see it again. This movie is SO GOOOOD!!!! It’s just so wonderful made. The songs are amazing 🎶. My favourite song is ”This is me”. It reminds me of the time I got bullied during high school. This is me and I’m enough the way I’m. ”I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, this is me.” Those lyrics just hit me so much. No sharp words will put me down. I also love Zac Efron in this movie and just all the actors. Hugh Jackman is amazing. It’s just so important to know that we all matter in this world no matter how we look like, which gender we have, race or nationality or whatever. We are meant to be in this world and deserve all the love and happiness. If you want to watch a feel good movie then this one will be perfect for you. I also got emotional just watching this beautiful movie and hearing the songs.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you liked it. Have you also watched The Greatest Showman? Which food of my post would you love to try? Do you also love to go swimming? What did you do in August? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

World Mental Health Day 2020 💚💪

10 Oct 2020

Hey lovelies 💕,

Today is World Mental Health Day. Mental health is important every damn day. Mental health is as important as physical health. Today I want to share a poem about mental health. I’m here for you all 🙏💞. This year is even harder for all of us because of being more isolated this year. More people died by suicide and are struggling with their mental health because of the pandemic. I definitely feel this year is really such a struggle. It’s important that we all help each other.

Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness on a daily basis. I can say that we are done about speaking up. It’s time to change the whole mental health care system. The waiting lists are too long, the help is too late at times and there are no funds for good treatments. This is a worldwide issue which definitely need to change in all countries. Voting a political party which listen to our needs could make a change. There needs to be done so much in our society until everyone can get the help they need whenever they need it.

I’m so thankful for the support I have here online. I love the blogging mental health community. I love the support I get from my family especially my mother. She knows how to care for me and love me especially on the days I feel bad. I love my friends, pen pals and online friends so much too. I take anti anxiety meds when I need them like when I go to the dentist, have to fly or any other situation which makes me anxious and out of control. Everyone deals with it on their own way. There’s no right way. I don’t know whether I will go therapy once and that would help me. It’s also not okay to push someone into doing something they don’t think would help. Healing and recovery isn’t linear and it different for everyone. I think sometimes we just have to find a way with living with it. Writing, doing yoga, blogging, singing, listening to music, being with my loved ones, walks in nature, the sea, surfing, reading, meditation, speaking with someone I trust are all important tools that make me feel better. I hope you also have some great resources that will help you in your life. Mental health illnesses are so complexed, different and hard to treat. I guess at one point it will get better. We have to fight for that day and stay together.

This is the most vulnerable video I made. It’s a spoken poem for today. I hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggle and know that we are all in this together ❤️💪 I love you all so much.

View this post on Instagram

Today it's World Mental Health Day. This has to be every day and not just one day in a year. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness on a daily basis. I can say that we are done about speaking up. It's time to change the whole mental health care system. The waiting lists are too long, the help is too late at times and there are no funds for good treatments. This is a worldwide issue which definitely need to change in all countries. Voting a political party which listen to our needs could make a change. There needs to be done so much in our society until everyone can get the help they need whenever they need it. This is the most vulnerable video I made. It's a spoken poem for today. I hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggle and know that we are all in this together ❤️💪 I love you all so much. I close my eyes All I see and feel is darkness I feel lost I'm not myself anymore My chest feels tight I'm breathing faster My heart rate is racing So many thoughts about the future I'm nauseous I'm getting dizzy Cold Warm I'm getting crazy Why can't I just feel like a normal person? I began to cry What's happening to me? This is what it feels to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks It's the worst 1 of 5 people suffer on a daily basis with their mental health Depression, bipolar, borderline, eating disorder, psychoses, anxiety, ocd Any person can suffer from one or more of them They all matter No matter your nationality, gender, age, race Mental illnesses are real There's no need to shame What we need is compassion, support and respect A better mental health system Every illness counts Time is ticking It's time to save lives Change the mental health care system We don't want more deaths We want better treatments available for all Because We all deserve to feel safe, loved and get the help we need whenever we need it Our time is now Let's all fight for a better system and society We are not alone We are all in this together always 💪❤️ We are warriors 💪 Love you all Amen ❤️🙏

A post shared by Sea of words 🌊 (@seaofwordsblog) on

I close my eyes
All I see and feel is darkness
I feel lost
I’m not myself anymore
My chest feels tight
I’m breathing faster
My heart rate is racing
So many thoughts about the future
I’m nauseous
I’m getting dizzy
Cold
Warm
I’m getting crazy
Why can’t I just feel like a normal person?
I began to cry
What’s happening to me?

This is what it feels to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks
It’s the worst
1 of 5 people suffer on a daily basis with their mental health
Depression, bipolar, borderline, eating disorder, psychoses, anxiety, ocd
Any person can suffer from one or more of them
They all matter
No matter your nationality, gender, age, race
Mental illnesses are real
There’s no need to shame
What we need is compassion, support and respect
A better mental health system
Every illness counts
Time is ticking
It’s time to save lives
Change the mental health care system
We don’t want more deaths
We want better treatments available for all
Because
We all deserve to feel safe, loved and get the help we need whenever we need it
Our time is now
Let’s all fight for a better system and society
We are not alone
We are all in this together always 💪❤️
We are warriors 💪
Love you all
Amen ❤️🙏

Remember, you are never alone. Like Ram Dass says, we are walking each other home. We are here for each other. I really wouldn’t know where I would be without all of you. My blog. My safe space. It’s so good to have a place where you feel like you can be yourself. I never felt this way before. I have always felt the feeling that I don’t belong anywhere. I never felt at home until I went to NYC and spoke at the United Nations and when I did my internship in Valladolid. Those places reminded me that good people exists. I also never felt at home until I began this blog. I didn’t knew so many awesome, inspirational and good people exists. Sometimes we forget it because of all what’s going on in the world. When there’s so much negative news we sometimes go into a dark hole and can only see the negative side of this world. I’m happy that thanks to blogging I know there are so many people who want you to be happy, healthy and will support you along your way.

Thank you a million times for always being there for me. There will be good and hard times in life. As long as we are together we will be fine because we will support each other along the way in this crazy adventure called life. I hope we can all meet one day, have deep talks and enjoy life together. I can’t wait to see you all making your wildest and biggest dreams coming true. I will always be cheering you from the side. You are not alone. You are kind. You are loved. Always remember too, you are enough. Don’t let society make you feel like you are not. Your mental health illness doesn’t define you as a person. I sometimes also feel like I’m an anxious person but it’s more like I suffer from anxiety. I’m not my anxiety. We aren’t our illness. We are much more than that. It isn’t our choice to be sick.

Thank you all for reading and watching my video. I hope it made you feel less alone and inspired you 🌌🌠. What do you think need to change in the mental health care system? What does make you feel better? How are you feeling now? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

Music of August 🎶❤️

28 Sep 2020

Hola lovelies 💕,

I feel like it’s been a long time since I posted a blog. I’ve been feeling depressed, a bit anxious and bad as you could read on my last blog post. I woke up and the whole week I felt this way. It’s not just that I lack a purpose in life. I feel the suffering and the state of the world SO much because I’m a highly sensitive person. It’s okay to feel but sometimes it gets way too overwhelming. I’m happy to feel again lighter and more hopeful. Here’s to better times ahead 🙏✨. I guess especially in these times we have to keep this hope alive because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to cope. It’s too much negative news all the time. It’s okay to take a social media break. Do what feels good to you. I’m back in The Netherlands since a few days. I already miss Spain 😢🇪🇸. Hopefully we will be back soon.

In this blog post I will share you my favourite music of August which includes the AMAZING album Folklore by Taylor Swift 😍🎶, some amazing Spanish songs by Aitana ft. Morat, Lola Indigo and much more.

Taylor Swift – Folklore

OMGGGG MY FAV ARTIST EVER RELEASED A NEW ALBUM JUST AS A SURPRISE!!! 😍😍😍 She announced it and bam there it was. Taylor Swift, the queen of the music industry 👸👑 as known was the artist of the decade. I really love her so much. I love her as a person SO much and also her music is just the best and most beautiful. I loved her last album Lover so much. This album was something totally different and less pop which was really nice. I also missed at times the country Taylor. This is one of my favourite albums of her and I keep listen to it on repeat. I can’t stop it. It’s way too good. She sings about so many stories. She is THE person to write them. I also wanted to make an apart blog post for it later. She wored together with Bon Iver, The National en Jack Antonoff. I love this alternative album SO much 🥰. Its perfect for the end of Summer and beginning of Autumn. It makes me feel nostalgic, sad and it has mistery in it. All my songs are my favourite haha I can’t choose but I will try to choose my favourites which you can listen below.

Taylor Swift – cardigan

”Vintage tee, brand new phone
High heels on cobblestones
When you are young, they assume you know nothing
Sequin smile, black lipstick
Sensual politics
When you are young, they assume you know nothing”

THIS song and the video is so amazing! WOW so beautiful!!! 😍 She directed this all by herself. She choosed the clothes, make up and just everything. I’m so impressed and also not because she literally can do everything. The visuals are out of the world. I love this song. It brings me such a great sense of calm. She also looks so beautiful. The scene in the forest and in the sea are my favourites.

Taylor Swift – the last great american dynasty

”And they said “There goes the last great American dynasty”
Who knows, if she never showed up what could’ve been
There goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen
She had a marvelous time ruining everything”

This is another amazing song which also has such a great story behind it. It’s about a woman from St. Louis who is named Rebekah West Harkness. She is a famously wild heiress who once owned the Rhode Island coastal mansion that Swift purchased in 2013 for about $17 million. I really like this connection so much. She always have so much stories to tells us in her songs.

Taylor Swift ft. Bon Iver – exile

”I think I’ve seen this film before
And I didn’t like the ending
You’re not my homeland anymore
So what am I defendin’ now?
You were my town
Now I’m in exile seein’ you out
I think I’ve seen this film before”

This duet is SO beautiful with Bon Iver!!! 😍 This is one of my favourite songs ever. The low voice of Bon Iver blends really well with Taylor in this song. It’s a sad song and makes me feel so much. This song is about a doomed couple rehashing their relationship. It beings very low and when they sing together it explodes which is my favourite part ever. You can feel the emotion in it. This song is just in prefect harmony.

Taylor Swift – betty

”But if I just showed up at your party
Would you have me?
Would you want me?
Would you tell me to go fuck myself
Or lead me to the garden?
In the garden would you trust me
If I told you it was just a summer thing?
I’m only seventeen
I don’t know anything but I know I miss you”

The songs cardigan/betty and august are a ‘Teenage Love Triangle’. James and Betty are two teens who were dating, but over the summer James started secretly sleeping with another girl. Betty found out about the affair from Inez, and tried to break up with James but it sounds like they got back together in the end. ‘Cardigan’ is from Betty’s point of view, lamenting the loss of young love. ‘August’ is from the perspective of the other woman, who had the secret summer affair with James. And ‘betty’ is all about James trying to get Betty back. Taylor is so good in storytelling. This song sounds so country which I really did miss these years. I really love this song. I also like the harmonica too. It makes it even better.

Aitana ft. Morat – Más de lo que aposté

Aitana is becoming such an amazing artist since she participated in the Spanish talent show Operación Triunfo. This song is so catchy! It’s so amazing 😍. Also, Morat is an amazing band from Colombia. This collab is again a hit.

Rvfv ft. Lola Indigo – Trendy

Awesome song again from Lola Indigo! I love the cowboy vibes 😍🤠👢 She dances and sings so well. I love all the dancers so much. The choreography is amazing.

Eva B – América

Eva became third in Operación Triunfo this year. She has so much personality and charisma. I love the videoclip and this single of her fits her so well. I can’t wait for more amazing songs of her.

Jawsh 685 x Jason Derulo – Savage Love (Laxed – Siren Beat)

I always heard this song on the radio in Spain and immediately loved it. It’s so catchy and uplifting! 😍 It really makes me happy to listen to. It’s been a long time since I listened to Jason Derulo.

Miley Cyrus – Midnight sky

“I was born to run, I don’t belong to anyone, oh no
I don’t need to be loved by you“

Miley is back with such a masterpiece! 😍 I really like the whole vibes of this song. I love her low voice. It sounds SO good!! I’m happy she is back with great music.

BLACKPINK ft. Selena Gomez – Ice cream

This is an amazing collaboration with the Kpop group BLACKPINK and Selena Gomez. I love ice cream 😍🍨. Hahah this song makes me want to eat one. I really like this song.

Lola Indigo ft. Danna Paola y Denise Rosental – Santería

Wow this song and video is SO awesome! 😍 Three powerful women together 🔥 This song relates to a religion that was developed in Cuba. The videoclip is amazing. The performance is so good!! This is a perfect song to dance on and also makes you feel empowered as a woman 💃♀️.

Amaia Romero – Cosas interesantes para decir

I’m so happy Amaia is back with some new music. It’s so good! 💖. It’s a great pop song which makes you happy. I’m so happy she always stays authentic and real. Her voice is always so sweet which I love so much.

Amaia Romero – La victoria

These two songs were recorded directly in the studio. I really like this one too. The instruments are also amazing. I can’t wait to see her live one day with her band. She sings about people looking at her but not seeing her. She also sings about how not everyone tells the truth which is so relatable nowadays.

Nea ft. Felix Jaehn – Some say remix

I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH!!!! 😍😍 I heard it so much on the Spanish radio. The chorus can remind you of the song Blue da ba dee by Eiffel 65. It’s really such a relaxing song.

BTS – Dynamite

What a great new song of BTS! I can’t wait to see what they have in store with their new album. I’m sure there will be more amazing song in it like this one. BTS never fails in making amazing music. They are such cuties too. Thank you for making this world a better place to live in.

JoJo ft. Demi Lovato – Lonely hearts

I really miss some more music with Demi Lovato. I really liked this collab with JoJo. I really like when they sing together. It sounds very well. Maybe it’s not totally my style of music I would listen to but I like it.

Thank you all for reading and listening to these amazing list of songs. What are your favourite songs of Folklore? Which song do you like from my list? To which artist do you listen to often? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

Feeling done with this world 😢💔

22 Sep 2020

Hey lovelies 💕,

Today I will write a not so happy blog post. I like to share about my favourites and music reviews but I love to just write anything what’s on my mind because then I’m writing from my heart to yours. It makes me feel a bit better to let my thoughts go and I also hope it will help others to feel less alone. We all struggle in life with things only not at the same time. I hope I won’t sound too depressive but I just really don’t feel okay lately. Everything feels heavy and too much. I’m always my authentically self on this blog so I will try to be honest about my feelings and thoughts. When Summer ends I always feel this way because I’m a Summer girl forever. I don’t like dark days and less sun light.

I don’t know why I feel this way lately. Maybe it’s the thought of having to go back to Holland in two weeks. I have been SO happy here in Spain. I have been eating tapas a lot, drinking delicious milkshakes and ice creams, went swimming, went on a trip to the beach with my mother and surfed after 4 years 🏄🌊 which I will share soon with you all, went for walks and saw my friends here a lot. I really have been enjoying life so much.

A few nights ago I cried about thinking having to go back to The Netherlands 😭💔. I don’t want. I’m just SO done with leaving my happy place. I love The Netherlands too. I love to see my friends and family there too of course. I’m just SO much happier in Spain. Just writing this makes me cry so much again. I just want to live here forever. I also experience anxiety here but at the end my heart longs for Spain. I’m also anxious that we won’t be able to go again for a long time because of the pandemic. I applied for jobs without any luck. If there’s one thing I know for sure is that I want to live in Spain permenantly.

I also feel anxious and depressed again to go to the dentist. I’m happy it went again well. In this blog post I talk about my experience of my second wisdom tooth removal. I still have to go twice but I’m more anxious for the lower wisdom teeth because they are in my gum. I don’t know whether to do it here now or in a few months. I’m really dreading it. I love this dentist but that doesn’t mean I’m not anxious to go anymore. Still feeling anxious and not okay. It’s still no fun. It isn’t a trauma and didn’t hurt that much afterwards. The only thing is that with the lower wisdom teeth extraction it will hurt a bit more. He said one or two points more, nothing like a brave women like you won’t be able to tolerate. It was really sweet what he said but I feel like I don’t want to be brave anymore.

I feel depressed lately and anxious 😞. I don’t know how to live life without feeling constantly anxious about something whether that’s going to the dentist, flying, going to an interview or anything else. I feel like I have no purpose and will never achieve my dreams because of anxiety. Then a friend of me said that it would be good to go to therapy. Well, I had some talks in the past and had to vomit every time and felt even more depressed and worse afterwards. I don’t want to go through that again. I also don’t like people giving me advice because like Yoga Girl said, we know ourselves the best. I love to get tips and recommendations but at the end this is my life. I just hate when people tell me what to do even though some will mean it well. I’m a helper and I have pleases way too many people in my life who didn’t deserve it. It’s my turn now to choose what’s right for me even though I sometimes don’t have any clue and feel lost as hell in life.

Everything what’s happening in this world right now also makes me feel totally not okay. I deactivated FB and my personal Instagram. Sometimes I think of deleting it all but that’s maybe too much I will just take a break. I’m done with seeing happy perfect pictures and fake lives. Inspiring people is what makes me happy and following others who inspire me too such as Yoga Girl, artists and other people. Social media often gived such as a false view of life. What you see isn’t real. I think that makes us all feel even worse especially when we are dealing with mental health illnesses such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, eating disorder or any other. To see people living their life best while you are not feeling okay will not help you. I giess it’s important to have a social media detox. I feel different while blogging because I’m just completely myself without feeling I will be judged. Blogging is my safe space and will always be 🙏💖.

Everything feels too heavy for me lately. I decided to stop watching news or anything triggering my mental health too. It’s not being egoistic but I really can’t deal with any negative news happening in this world anymore. It’s too much for my highly sensitive brain. I can’t take it anymore. I think for the people who are already sensitive for negativity and also are struggling in life, this pandemic hit really hard. I remember when it all began in March and I was just lying in bed thinking about the world ending. I still sometimes think of this question: How can I cope in this world when I don’t see any light in the tunnel? When is this going to end? My anxiety goes to the roof when I don’t know the end point of something. I know that when I go to the dentist half hour later I feel okay again. With this it’s different. No one knows when this pandemic will end and if it will end one day. It makes it definitely more scary which makes me feel even more anxious.

I’m happy I live a more normal life here in Spain. For many months I was at home and only going on a few walks. I have been doing loads of fun stuff here but always doing social distance, wearing a mask which I hate because it gets so warm, and washing my hands a lot. I just feel that even though we have the internet, it makes us feel more isolated and lonelier too. Yes, video calls and chatting is nice but it will NEVER replace real human connection. Seeing each other face to face and hugging each other is the most valuable things ever in life. Having a vulnerable conversation with someone we love, crying on someone’s their shoulder, helping a stranger, giving someone a hug will never be the same online. The online world will never give you the same feelings. Seeing everyone being afraid of each other and not wanting to be near to them breaks my heart even more. Really?! What has the world become? I know they are many things to be grateful for like being more present, slowing down and spending time in nature. It’s just really hard sometimes.

This was basically my rant of how I feel in life regarding to the pandemic, this world and just my feelings. I hope we all have a safe space to be able to talk about our feelings without being judged. I’m here for you all and hope you are all being safe 🙏💖.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. How are you all doing? What are some tips you have for me for coping with anxiety with everything what’s happening in this world? Do you also feel better when doing a social detox? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

July favourites 🇪🇸🌊

7 Sep 2020

Hey lovelies 💕,

I’m really behind some blog posts like my favourites and music reviews which I do every month. I don’t want to feel like blogging is chore because otherwise it ain’t no fun anymore. It just makes me frustrated at times. I still want to keep this series going but not if I get frustrated of not writing it one month. It doesn’t matter right?! It’s okay to write it whenever I feel the passion for it. Let’s move on to my favourites of July. It was a beautiful month 💕. It seems SO long time ago when it’s just two months ago. I experienced beautiful things such as finally going to Spain, beach days in The Netherlands, had a lunch date with my bestie, bought a beautiful bikini from the surf brand Billabong and more I will share below.

Things I did with my lovely family 👨‍👩‍👦:

Celebrating the birthday of my brother and niece 🎉🎂🎈

Finally after more than a half year I saw my brother and niece 😍🎉. We hadn’t seen them since Christmas time. They live in the South of The Netherlands. It’s almost two hours by car. Due to the pandemic we haven’t seen them which made me feel so sad. Of course we used video call a lot but it’s not the same. My brother’s birthday was on the 14th of July and my niece turned 5 years on the 16th of July. I bought my niece a snow ball to colour in the pages and some glitter stickers which she loves a lot (and me too!! haha!!). I bought my brother some stuff for the kitchen which he needed and Happy Socks 🧦 which he loves a lot. He was very happy with the presents. I missed them so much.

I wish my niece could stay always that little. She’s a lovely princess 👸. Sometimes I wish to be that little again because you see the world with different eyes. I loved how she whispered in my ears if we could go to my room and play. My room is a fair for her 🎡. It’s full of stuff and colours and cute items. Noanne also said that I’m so sweet. My heart melts with her sweet words. She said she would find shells on the beach and think of me. She learns me how to love myself on the moments when I feel I can’t love myself. I love to hear her talking about the universe, the sun 🌞, the moon 🌜, the stars ✨, dinosaurs and everything. They say you learn the most of children which is so true. Their beliefs aren’t shaped. The world is their playground. I truly believe and feel with all that’s happening in the world, we have to go back and find our inner child and play. I don’t mean ignoring the pain and suffering in the world. I just think it’s important to have a balance with that and to always be reminded that there’s still a child in us who would love to be free, wild and making their biggest dreams come true. We need to care about our inner child always. Love yourself just like a child does.

Travelling to Spain ✈️🇪🇸

I’m SO happy to be back in Spain after 7 months. I’ve missed it so much. I’m happy to see my friends again. You can read about my trip with my mother HERE. I never want to go back to The Netherlands. I love Spain so much and really can’t wait to find work here and live here forever 😍. I love the people, the food, the sunshine every day and it’s such a beautiful country where you can enjoy mountains, beaches, desserts, forest and just anything. I was anxious to travel but everything went well. I hope that we can keep coming back because I don’t want again to wait so long to go back to Spain. I was also happy to see my friends from my studies at the station of Madrid. It was such a coincidence. I hope to see you guys soon.

Beach days in The Netherlands 🌊🌞

I finally went to the beach after almost one year. My heart was craving it so much. I missed my happy home, my paradise 💞. The sea heals everything. I’m forever a mermaid 🧜‍♀️. One day I will live at the ocean and will never have to leave again. We went biking for 18 km. We ate delicious kibbeling, potatoes, salad and a swirl ice cream. It was delicious. Fortunately, it was only raining a bit and we could enjoy the sunshine. Pura vida! We also saw bambi in the dunes. So cute! So blessed with this beautiful world we live in. It’s the little things which mean the most in life. I loved seeing my dear friend from primary school and from my choir at the beach. I missed you so much! It’s been years since we saw each other. I hope to see each other soon again.

Golden hour at the beach 🌅

I’m happy we finally went swimming in the sea. That day we ate a delicious salad at a beach restaurant. We enjoyed a beautiful sunset on the beach. It’s one of those beautiful moments you wish that last forever. So magical and pure 🥰. My wild heart is full of freedom, love and happiness on the beach. The bad thing was that we biked 🚲 for 30 km long haha . On the way back home the bridge was broken so we had to go through whole Haarlem to go back home. Our home is surrounded by water so we really needed to through another bridge to come home lol. It was a beautiful and unforgettable day.

Enjoying ice creams 🍨😋

I enjoyed some delicious ice creams with my mother. I love the Italian ice creams near to where my brother lives. We always go by bike. I had one with mint chocolate chip ice cream and straciatella. My mother had one with lemon and whipped cream. It was all so delicious!

Watched The Beauty and the Beast, Grease and Up for love 🎬

I watched some nice movies with my mother. I loved The Beauty and the Beast so much. One of my favourite actresses is Emma Watson. She is the best! I cried watching this beautiful movie. I loved it so much. I also loved watching Grease on a Summer night in Holland. Grease is just such a feel good movie and perfect for the Summer. I love the songs so much. They make me SO happy. I watched with my parents Up for love too which is a movie about a man who is very little and falls in love with a woman. They make jokes about him because of his length. It’s a great movie which let us see that everyone deserve the right to live a good life and that people have to be more kind to each other and not judge anyone.

Things I did with my lovely friends 💕:

Lunch date with my bestie along the river in Haarlem 💞

I had such a great day with my bestie in Haarlem. We basically ate and drank all day long hahaha. That’s why we are best friends 😍🍴. We had a delicious lunch at Ted’s place. We loved it so much. My bestie ate a portobello sandwich with hummus and spinach and I had a delicious vegan French toast with fruits, almond milk, cinnamon sugar and maple syrup. I also loved the fruit smoothie so much with acai, strawberry, blueberry, blackberry, banana and more. It was such a aesthetic place to eat. The sun was shining too which was perfect. I’m also happy I finally bought some Summer clothes. As dinner we ate at Freakin Vegan. We loved the burger, wrap and green tea. We ate the whole day vegan and I LOVED IT. I can’t wait to eat more vegan food because it’s better for the environment, good for your health and it’s delicious too 😋.

Beautiful pen pal letters 💌

I got some beautiful letters this month. I got one from Rosie which I loved so much. I loved the goodies too. I loved the quote card. I got a new pen pal friend too. I loved the post from Katherine. I also loved the mail from my lovely friend Chloe. The handmade card from sunshines is so cute and makes me SO happy!! I also love the moon card and the stickers. Thank you for being one of my best friends. I love you all so much.

Sharing circle with Yoga Girl 💖✨

I loved the first sharing circle I joined on Zoom. I was anxious to do it. It was the best thing ever. It’s so special and so sacred. Thank you Rachel and the whole Yoga Girl team for making this happen. I love this community so much. Together with more than 60 people we entered a safe space to share our feelings, thoughts and we hold space for each other. We listened and did meditation all together. It was SO pure, honest and beautiful I cried. Then we met our partner and talked about our struggles with them. One has to speak and the other has to stay silent. You think that’s easy but it isn’t. We are so tend to intreput each other and give each other advice. Rachel said we have the answers in our own heart. We always seek advice from others but we know ourselves the best. We have to listen more in life instead of talking. We need our hearts to hold space for us. I loved my sharing partner from Germany. It was an amazing talk. Thank you so much! I can’t wait to go to a yoga retreat in Aruba 🇦🇼 too. We are all walking each other home. Love you all! 💖

Other amazing things of July 💖:

New bikini from Billabong 👙

I finally got a new bikini!!! I really needed one because the ones I have are too big now. I think it’s because of washing them. I bought one online and thank God it fit perfectly. I love all the surf brands 🏄‍♀️. Billabong is one of my favourites. I love the new bikini which is green, black together with sunflowers on it. I’m using it a lot this Summer. It costed €40 instead of €70 so big sale. I bought it on Zalando. I love this website.

New dresses and floral shorts 👗

I bought some nice clothes the day I went on a lunch with my bestie in H&M. I bought some nice floral shorts and a red dress. I didn’t had any Summer clothes in The Netherlands so I really needed to have some haha. I also bought a beautiful blue floral dress from Shein. I’m happy with my new clothes.

Virtual concert of Operación Triunfo 🎶

I saw a virtual concert of the Spanish talent show Operación Triunfo. It was from Madrid, WiZink Center. I loved it so much. I was also a virtual public there. They could see us from the stage. I danced a lot, sang and had lots of fun 💃🎤. Of course, I miss going to concerts. I really can’t wait to go to a concert again because it has been more than a year since I last went to one. There’s nothing more precious than being in a concert and seeing your favourite artist live. It gives me so much happiness and makes me feel so alive!!

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you liked it. Do you like my new bikini and new clothes? Do you like to eat vegan food? What did you do in July? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

I faced my anxiety again and got my second wisdom tooth extraction! 💪🦷👊

24 Aug 2020

Hola lovelies 💕,

On the 24th of August I faced my dentist anxiety again. By then I still had to get rid of three wisdom teeth. Now only two 🦷🦷 lol it sounds less which makes me feel a bit more calm and happier. Yeahhhh I say byebye again to one wisdom tooth! 😂. In this blog post I will tell you about my experience. I always love to talk about the things I fear on my blog and also related to anxiety because I know I’m not the only one facing these fears. It makes me feel less alone and writing release some anxiety which always good. Writing means healing and letting go.

So, the night before I was SO anxious again 😭. People say that the more you do something, the less scared you are. It ain’t no true when you suffer from a mental illness like anxiety. I still feel anxious even if I do something a million times like flying or going to the dentist. My heart was beating fast the night before and the day itself which was Monday. My appointment was late in the afternoon. I felt nauseous too. I always don’t eat much when I do something which scares me because otherwise I have to tendency to vomit because of anxiety. It always makes me feel ashamed to admit that but it doesn’t matter because everyone has something. There’s no person in this world who is never anxious. I just feel it a million times more which makes it so hard. The last time I went for a wisdom tooth extraction was in January. This time I could except more what would happen which maybe made me feel a bit more grounded. I also went swimming a lot the days before and did some meditation but I still felt so anxious.

I deciced together with my dentist that the best thing is to do it one by one. People said to me why don’t you just get rid of the four in one time. That treatment would be longer, I would have more pain and even more anxiety. Here in Spain they do it one by one, much better. Besides, I have to do what makes me feel good and not what other people except me to do. As I suffer from anxiety, I prefer to do things in parts. If you are anxious about something like going to the dentist or studying for an exam, a good way to release some anxiety is to break that daunting task into little parts. This way your brain will take it better. For me it works. I get really overwhelmed when I have to do something scary all at once.

The thing which makes me keep going to the dentist even though I’m scared is trust. I trust this dentist and his team. I trust them with all my heart 💖🙏. I’m always afraid of people hurting me because of being bullied in the past. It makes me trust people less. Here I feel safe and respected. If I’m anxious, so be it. If I cry then that’s okay too. Trusting in people whether those are professionals, your friends or family is so important. We all need this in life. It gives us a sense of safety. I had to wait at the dental clinic with my mother for more than a half hour because there were more people. I drank some water and prefered to wait there then go outside. I was the last one because they close at 8.30/9.00 PM. Fernando (the dentist) came and I was like bybye I will go run away 🤣. He found that funny. I love it how you can call them their first names and they do the same with me. It makes it all less scary and more familiar.

So, I lay down and said how I would prefer to be on a beach right now. He laughed. I really find it funny how dentists talk with their patients while they are doing stuff in their mouth it’s like halooooo how can I talk normally?! I know they do it to ease the tension and be less anxious. Just when he was putting the local anesthesia in my mouth he asked me if I was working or studying. I said no. I said that I spent my time crying and having anxiety in life. It’s not totally true but I said that I’m also writing for some poetry competitions. Unfortunately I didn’t win any of them. Then he said oh you can have a blog. I said that I have one. I said: “I wrote about you haha”. Fernando: “I hope it was something positive.” I said: “No haha 😂.” He looked at me like big eyes 👀. I was like no of course something positive! 💞 He was happy to hear that. End well haha. It’s so nice to talk to him because it feels like I’m talking to a friend instead of a doctor.

This time I felt the needle 💉 of the local anesthesia even less. I got again the squeeze shark haha 🦈. I have it in my hands and can squeeze it. It helps for people who are anxious. Fidget toys help too. Fernando is even specialised in people who have anxiety because he definitely makes me feel so at peace. He said breath in slowly, breath out slowly and it worked. Then my mouth was numb and he could take my teeth out. It took a bit more time to get this teeth out but eventually it went well. All the time he asked if I had pain and I said no. I just felt some pressure. Then I heard click and that moment was the one he took my teeth out. There wasn’t even much blood. This time I saved the teeth. It’s now at home haha I will keep it for the tooth fairy lol. I wish I were that young again. I don’t know what he does but he is amazing. Best dentist evah. I really love them so much 😍😭.

He prescribed me again antibiotics, probiotics and ibuprofen for the pain. We had a lovely chat afterwards. He said that maybe I could have low blood pressure if sometimes I’m dizzy and anxious. He wanted to go to Mallorca but this year he won’t go on holidays because of the pandemic. I told him he is very tan haha. He is just really handsome. We got a free toothpasta. He said he don’t watch so much news which is much better. Then he told us a horrible story. Fernando said a man from 82 years old died by suicide this year because he was done with reading only negative news 😔😢. It really hit him because he was a patient of him. It happened in front of the dental clinic. It’s really horrible to know that so many people are suffering now from mental health illnesses and nobody is doing saying anything about it. This pandemic is hitting us all hard economically, health wise too and mentally. I stopped reading and watching the news these last months because I couldn’t cope with it too. I get into a negative and anxious spiral which is difficult to get out of. I just want to know some stuff regarding travelling because we are always between Spain and The Netherlands but that’s it. I know me, my mother and my friends follow the safety measures which are washing our hands, wearing a mask and do social distance. I can’t control others so that’s it. It makes me so sad that this man didn’t had any support and felt so low to end his life. My heart is with him.

After this talk Fernando said don’t forget to have the gauze 20 minutes. I said yes but uhhh it was 30 minutes, right?! He said 10 minutes has passed now haha talking. We both laughed lol I really these chats so much. Everything goes so smoothly and so chill. It feels like I’m chilling with a friend. I have felt so much emotions these days. I was feeling low and high on energy. After having so much anxiety I felt relief and I felt again the feeling of letting something go. I may loose all my wisdom teeth but at the end I gain wisdom from this experience. I felt also very tired these days, maybe it’s because of the meds. The first night I couldn’t sleep on the side I always sleep so it frustated me. I had pain for a few days and now I feel almost like normal again. I ate solid food, some soft bread, gazpacho which is a delicious cold Spanish soup, tortilla de patata, pasta and veggie pures. It was all so delicious. I miss pizza 🍕😋 though haha.

On Wednesday I went again for a check up at the dentist I had this white dress on and make up. I love to look good for myself. Then I was sitting on the chair and he said that I looked very good (Estás muy guapa). And then without thinking I said haha for you 😂. This is me being direct always 🤭. Fernando found it funny lol. He also said that the lower wisdom teeth removal will hurt a bit more but nothing like a brave woman like me won’t be able to tolerate. I felt completely flattered. If more men would be like him, this world would definitely be a better place. Of course, I love to look well for me. I will never ever again change myself for anyone. In the past I’ve done that which means wearing high heels for my ex but I really hated it. He said it made me have more self confidence. Wrong!!!! I did that for him. He said all girls wear high heels. I let the wild woman roar 🐺, the more authentic and honest I’m with myself. Not everyone likes that but that doesn’t matter. This is me. I’m my beautiful self which is the best way I can be. I’m a wild woman, watch me rise up 🔥

The thing is that sometimes I feel like I’m in love with this dentist 😍🥰. Maybe it’s just me being cray cray haha. I think this feeling is normal when doctors take such good care of you, respect you and know how to care about your mental health too. I come from a traumatic experience in The Netherlands where a dentist said I’m childish and 15 years old. Now, I have a totally different experience which makes me feel in awe with the world. There are so many good people out there who wants best for you. Someone who gets me when I’m anxious deserves it all. I really need it. I don’t know if these feelings are mutual lol in love what?! I guess he just knows how to be there for me and make me feel less anxious. I hope that the next two times I have to go will go also well even though I still will be anxious. That will not change because I’m an anxious person but of course it’s not part of my personality. It will never be. I’m a loving, sensitive and caring person who suffers from anxiety. That’s the difference. We are all in this together. We are never alone in our struggles. I’m always here for you all 🙏.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you liked it. Did you also had to have a wisdom teeth extraction? Was it painful? What do you think of the things my dentist said to me? Is it love haha? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love 💞,

xoxo Christina

Happy three year blogging anniversary! 🎉🌻✨🌈✌️😍🎈

17 Aug 2020

Hey lovelies 💞,

I’m so happy to write this blog post! On the 16th of August my blog turned three years 🎉🎂🍾🌈😍. Happy three years blogging anniversary to my lovely blog and safe space! ✨ I can’t believe I’m blogging for three years already. I even forgot that it was today due to the crazy times we live in right now. I never take my blog for granted. I’m so proud of this achievement. My life wouldn’t be the same without my blog. It’s a seed 🌱 I planted 3 years ago which grew. I’ve almost 500 followers now. I will tell about some blogging plans I have in this blog post, some statistics and just some thank you words because I’m so grateful for all of you who have supported me during this crazy adventure. I love you all so much 💞.

I have always loved writing. I used to write in journals and diaries 📝. I still write some of my thoughts and poetry in a journal. I would love to use it more though. Writing is a form of expressing myself in a way I can’t while speaking. I also would love to be able to write some songs because I love singing too. Writing definitely heals our heart. We are told to not share our struggles or our feelings when it’s so much better if we do it in order to heal our hearts. Blogging makes me so happy. I never knew that I would meet so many amazing and beautiful people like you all are. You all mean the world to me. I really wouldn’t know what I would do without you all. Your support and love makes my heart glow from happiness. You all mean so much to me. You make me all so happy and I love to get inspiration from you all. I hope you also get inspired ✨ by my words and feel less alone.

To be honest, I never expected my blog to grow and find such inspirational people on there. I remember I was searching on Google three years ago on how to gain followers or grow my blog. If I knew back then that it will just happen day by day. I just have to be myself and create quality content. It has to make me happy and if it makes me happy then it can make others happy too. Not everyone has to like you and you have to be okay with that. There will be always people out there who won’t agree with you but that doesn’t make you a bad person. Not everything is about us. The internet can be a nasty place but also such a beautiful one. The blogging community is the loveliest community ever. We all respect each other and are there for each other. It’s so rare to find nowadays. I love to write about mental health, self love, feminism, travel trips, poetry, books, new music which comes out and just anything I love or want to share. I don’t like to have a special niche because I love to write about anything I like without having to limitate myself. I’ve always a lot on my mind so I love to share it with you guys haha 😂❤️.

Now, I would love to share some blogging statistics from this year. I love to be able to look back and think about how much my blog grew during these three years.

Some blogging statistics from this year:

Followers: 499 (Almost 500 whoehoe, last year I had 379)

Blog posts: 211

Views: 20.384 (Wow over 20K!)

Visitors: 12.584

Best day: April the 7th 2019, the day I got the most views

Day most popular: Monday, a new week! (18%)

Hour most popular: 11:00 PM (6%)

Some of my blog posts wich are the most popular and got the most views were:

I will never hurt people the way they hurt me (444 views)

Hey, you. Don’t give up, okay? ✨ (394 views)

I feel like everyone is living their best life, except me (311 views)

A to Z of my favourite things in life (300 views)

Do you think it’s possible that some people are born to give more love than they will ever get back in return? 💕 (1002 views, I guess many followers come to my blog from this blog post, it’s also one of my favourite posts)

Top 10 countries that have visited my blog 🌍:

I find this such an amazing thing to look at when I look at the statistics. So many people from all over the world visit my blog. It’s so crazy! I think it’s amazing. Sometimes I also see countries which I don’t know such as Palau, Togo or The European Union lol which is not a country. I exactly know which bloggers friends visit my blog when I look at the stats haha.

1. United States (3713 views)

2. United Kingdom (937 views)

3. India (866 views)

4. Canada (465 views)

5. The Netherlands (453 views, including my views haha)

6. Philippines (338 views including me)

7. South Africa (313 views)

8. Indonesia (259 views)

9. Australia (246 views)

10. Singapore (210 views)

One of my blogging plans in the future would be to go self hosted one day. I will do that when I don’t have any free space left. I’m anxious to do that because I heard stories of bloggers loosing their content. If you do it on WordPress it wouldn’t be a problem, right?! I would love to learn more about this topic. I also would love to be able to maybe earn money from my blog. I invest so much time in it and I’m still looking for a career. I would love to be able to gain money while being a writer. I hear people saying how difficult it is. I know that already but what if I make my dreams come true. What if we all make our wildest and biggest dreams come true? 🌠 It doesn’t matter what others tells us because we have the right to persue whatever we want to achieve. I believe the universe has a plan for all of us.

One of my other goals is to gain 1000 followers. It isn’t about the followers but it’s nice to be able to reach this blogging milestone. It will take time and patience and I will keep blogging. I don’t like all those influencers and people only focusing on followers and numbers because it isn’t the most important thing. It isn’t real. I would rather have less followers but the ones I have being active and not passive followers or ghost followers which exists a lot these days. I also don’t like those bots on Instagram which only post disgusting comments always. It’s annoying 😒.

I also would love to be able to meet you all one day 😍. That’s one of my biggest dreams because it would be so nice to finally be able to see you and hug you all. We can’t hug now due to this pandemic but hopefully soon we can. I would love to guide you in Spain or in The Netherlands. I would also love to be able to travel to your country and see more of the world. I love travelling the world. I would love to talk with you about my life, dreams, fears, the things I love or just anything. We could go for a drink, eat some delicious tapas, go to a concert together 🎶, write blog posts together, sing, dance 💃, surf 🏄‍♀️, take pictures and just enjoy each other’s company. It would make me the happiest girl in the world. I’ve made life long friends because of blogging.

I just want to say thank you for everything. I’m so blessed to have you all in my life 🙏✨ I love my real life friends and online friends so much.  Everytime I feel my life is turning upside down and I feel like the clouds are crying with me I turn to my blog and I begin to write about everything what’s on my mind no matter how dark or heavy it’s. You guys always help me in these moments. You are always there for me. I appreciate that so much. It feels good to know that I’m not alone in my struggles and that there’s someone who understands me and cares about me even when we have never have met. Online friends are real friends too. I can’t wait to meet you all one day. We will ALWAYS be friends ❤️ yeahhh.

Thank you all for reading this happy blog post. I hope you liked it. What do you love about my blog? Do you think we will ever meet? Do you think that internet friends can be real friends too? What are some blogging plans you have? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much 😍💞✨,

xoxo Christina

I see humans but no humanity 💔😢

10 Aug 2020

Hey lovelies 💕,

I wanted to write a more happier post but I always want to be honest on my blog so I won’t do that. I’m always vulnerable and real on my blog. I always write straight from my heart. Writing straight from my heart also gives me the most inspiration. I don’t like to plan blog posts. It has to flow like life too. These days I don’t feel okay so I will write about my feelings and thoughts. I hope you are all okay and safe. I’m here for you too. This blog post will be about my health, how I feel and about humanity. It feels good to write it all down and have a more sense of peace in my mind.

I was very happy the first days I arrived in Spain. I have been eating delicious tapas, ice creams 🍦🍨🍧, milkshakes, enjoyed the sunshine 🌞 and went swimming a lot 🏊‍♀️. The last days I have felt low and kinda depressed. I also had my period so I’m always more sensitive to everything during that time of the month. Besides, I’m really tired and my throat hurts a lot when I swallow, drink or eat something. It feels like it’s swollen too. If anyone knows me well, you know how anxious I’m about dentists or doctors so I will wait a few more days. The bad thing is that nowadays many people think easily oh no it’s Corona when you can have something else. I don’t have fever or anything. I just hope that it will go away soon. I really want to feel better again.

I also am beginning to feel anxious again to have to go to the dentist in two weeks. I still have to get rid of three wisdom teeth but it’s really draining me. I’m so done with it. It makes me so anxious 😢🦷. The dentist and his team are very lovely but it’s still no fun. Again feeling numb, then not eating a few days and taking meds for pain. It was worse than I imagined but still not fun. The anxiety I feel is always worse than the thing itself. Anxiety is a monster and I would love to be able to tame it one day. I will use valium to calm myself down. I’m so grateful for my mother who is always there for me to hold my hand and be at my side. I couldn’t do anything scary without her help. I really would be so lost. I love her so much. She is the kindest and most loveliest person ever.

I’m a highly sensitive person which means that I feel every emotion more. I feel others suffering more and also love more. It’s a gift but can also be a curse sometimes. I feel others pain deeply. Some of my friends are dealing with emotional stuff. I feel them. I feel people suffering from the pandemic. It hurts me so much to see so much pain in the world. I have been feeling very emotional and sad too these days. I can’t deal with people doing bad things to good people. It breaks my heart 💔. Why is there so much hate in this world? Why can’t people just be nice and kind to each other or is that too much to ask for? I really would love to have some answers on that but I don’t have. I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. It’s so unfair.

I have felt this way too because of the harrasment which yoga_girl is receiving just because she said that’s better not to travel now to Aruba from a country with a high risk of the virus. Aruba suffers from an economic crisis because it depends on tourism. I can understand that but the health and safety of the citizens are more important. I think that’s obvious. I just can’t understand how people find it okay to treathening other people lives. It’s so scary. Rachel and her family have received hate and what’s worse than that is threats. They even stalked their house. I’m happy they are safe now. It would be a shame if they have to move because of some locals being aggressive to them. I’m so happy to be part of the yoga community and will forever be ✨🙏💖. We are all here for you guys. Rachel, you are such a light in this world and have healed so many hearts including mine. I’m still healing though. I can’t thank you enough. Be safe. I love you so much.

I have also noticed that I feel more like myself these days. The more I feel, the more I feel like myself because this is who I’m. I get anxious, I get depressed, I feel low but I also can be happy and feel gratitude in my heart. I feel it all. Even though sometimes I find it really hard to live in this world because there are so many scary things and bad people out there too. I’m grateful for the good people I have in my life. I’m so happy to have this beautiful blogging community too who’s always there for me too. I can’t wait to meet you all one day and thank you. You are always there for me when I’m sad and celebrate my happy days. We will always stick together forever.

I wish there would be more people like you all in this world 💞🙏. Sometimes I definitely feel like there are so many bad people and things out there. I get scared and anxious and feel such a heavy feeling on my shoulders. I wish for peace, respect and compassion and being one with the world. What the world needs right now is union and not more separation 🌍. There’s already too much of that and it didn’t bring anything good.

May we all find the light and love in our own hearts and spread it to the world ✨. This world needs healing, so much love, compassion and kindness. It will never be enough. What this world needs right now is a group hug which would be now in distance with the pandemic but you all understand what I mean. More love, less hate. More compassion, less cold-hearted people.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you can understand and respect my feelings. How are you feeling lately? Are you also anxious of going to the doctor or dentist? What do you think of humanity? Do you also find it unfair that bad things happen to good people? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post. Be safe you all and remember we are never alone in our struggles. Like I always say, we are always in this together 💪💖.

I love you all so much 💕,

xoxo Christina

Holaaa from Spain after 7 months not being able to travel! 😍🇪🇸🌊🌞🌴🌻

3 Aug 2020

Hola lovelies 🥰,

I’m finally back in Spain since last Tuesday. I CRY BECAUSE I MISSED IT SOOOO MUCH 😍🥺🥰. Just writing this makes me cry again and gets me so emotional. I’m behind some other posts but I think I’m not going to write them anymore. I have been feel a bit stressed about my blog lately like I have to blog about this, not miss this and it’s not good. I’m always a perfectionist so when I finally do something after procastinating then I want to do it good. I prefer quality blog posts then just posts for the sake of it. This blog post will be about my journey to Spain, how I feel, things I have on my mind and how things are right now due to this pandemic. I really missed having a good chat with you guys. This post is basically going to be a rant haha 😂. I hope you will like it.

I can’t believe we are already in August like wtf this year is the longest and the shortest ever 😳. How do you feel about it? So much has happened in the world these months because of the pandemic. I really imagine myself cheering the new year last year and we all didn’t know what was about to come. It makes me feel bittersweet though. I don’t know how to feel about a new year coming because I don’t know what we have to except. The best thing is having no expectations and just going with the flow. I read a beautiful quote a few days ago which said that so much can happen in 6 months which is true. So, I hope these last 5 months will turn out fine or better than these last months.

In my life, not that much has happened. I still have no job but right now it’s even more difficult to find one related to what I studied. I studied European Studies which is a broad study with a wide range of subjects such as marketing, languages, international relations and politics. I also really find myself thinking of how I would love to make a living out of writing. I crave it so badly. I also love doing yoga, reading, travelling, singing and surfing so much. I’ve also sometimes dreamt about how amazing it would be to build a surf school related to mental health problems to provide people help and support while enjoying the ocean. I can’t wait to maybe go to the beach and surf this Summer in Spain 🇪🇸🌊🏄‍♀️. I miss the sea so much. Maybe those dreams are wild but it would be so amazing. I still feel kinda stuck related to thinking about a career. I used to apply to some jobs in Spain but got no answer. I even did an interview for a internship and never heard back. It’s more difficult right now. I also got information to take an exam for a job in the public sector which is mandatory in Spain. I just don’t know and still feel lost after so many years. It’s normal I say to myself. Anxiety also gets in the way. Some people see it as excuse but they have no idea how hard it’s to live with it and being expected to do everyday stuff.

I also entered some writing competitions. I didn’t won the one from Barcelona. At least I tried. Besides, Barcelona is now more at risk so it’s better not to go. I will hear about the poetry contest about mental health next month. I will also maybe join another contest these days which is about my city Haarlem, in The Netherlands. They are looking for a city poet who will write for them and also earn €3000 euro each year and will even have the opportunity to publish a book about poems of Haarlem. I will join and we will see what happens next. I have already a no but you never know what may be the result.

Thanks to the pandemic which is also strange to I’m also grounding myself more and being present with all the things I have. I have been doing yoga and medititation many times in a week 🧘‍♀️✨. It’s so good. I feel more lost and less calm when I don’t do it. It’s been a such a healing tool and I will stick to it forever. I can’t wait to be able to have a job, save money and go to a yoga retreat in Aruba and finally meet Yoga Girl and the whole community. I love it so much. I don’t have a yoga mat here in Spain but I will use maybe a camping mat until I have one here. I crave connection so much. It’s the best. It reminds me I’m never alone and that I always have people behind me. I did a sharing circle on Zoom with Yoga Girl and more than 60 people joined a few days ago which I will share more about in my July favourites. It was so special and omg I also felt anxious and strange. I had never done it before. In real life it would be even more intense. We did a meditation and then we got a sharing partner. We had to talk about our struggles and the other person listened and didn’t give advice. It’s much more powerful then just always interrumpting a person. Rachel Brathen (Yoga Girl) said that we have our answers in our heart. These sharings are so much more powerful than anything else 💖. I got emotional when I listened and my partner too. I can’t wait to do it many more times.

I’m happy to be back in Spain but also feel mixed feelings. Nothing is normal anymore. Our trip went very well. I was so happy to go but never felt so anxious before a trip. I really didn’t like some of my family members and also a friend of my mother saying we are irresponsible to go to Spain when we are very careful. I couldn’t sleep the night before. I felt so unwell and anxious. I hate to get influenced but others because our trip went super well. We had to wear masks, do social distance and wash our hands often. Nothing new. I’m more used now to wearing a face mask almost all the time because it’s mandatory here in Spain 😷. In Holland it’s only mandatory in public transport and in a regio of Amsterdam and Rotterdam. I changed my mind and think it’s very important to wear it even though it’s a struggle in the heat. We passed the security in 15 min. We drank some tea and ate a croissant and went to the gate. Boarding was nice, the flight was great without any turbulence. There were almost no people. I watched High School Musical 🎶. I loved it. I had never watched it before.

When we landed in the airport of Madrid, they checked our QR-code which is the health paper you have to fill in before you go to Spain. Then you pass a control and there are camera’s above which check your temperature. There are also nurses there in case you are feeling bad. Everything is clean and well organised. We got our suitcases, took a taxi to the station of Madrid and there suddenly I saw my good friend Pedro and his girlfriend. I love to always meet people as a surprise. We ate delicious Spanish food with them and waited for the train. It takes one hour to go to Valladolid by the high speed train. Then we took a taxi home and in the afternoon we were safe and sound at home. I thought something would happen during the trip or I would feel more anxious. I felt more calm because everything went well. I don’t want to listen to scary stories anymore or watch too much news. We are safe and will do anything to stay safe. We can’t stay forever in our homes too.

These days I have been resting in Spain in our home, eating some delicicous tapas and just walking in nature. We also went already to the swimming pool which we love so much 🏊‍♀️🌞. I have to enjoy it now before I get my period which I hate even more in Summer. There’s no beach here so the pool is the best place to be. I’m just so much more happier here. It’s been so hot here, like 37 degrees. Right now, it’s 30 degrees. I love Summers in Spain so much. I really craved it. This week I will finally see my friends which I missed so much. I also saw a new restaurant with vegan food and poke bowls omggg can’t wait to try it. I will celebrate my birthday with my friends there 🎉🤗. I also saw a new yoga studio. Maybe will go there too. I also will go the hairdresser soon. I can never cut much just the death ends and my bangs because I didn’t went for like a year. I also have to go to the dentist end of month to get rid again of one wisdom teeth 🦷. I’m anxious about that again but maybe a bit less than in January. I told about my experience here. It’s still a struggle so please guys be there for me and send me love. I need it. I just know I have no other choice because I have sometimes strange feelings and pain. I can’t wait to be able to say I faced this 4 times and it went well.

I’m really happy to be here but I also feel sadness in Spain. I see elderly walking and I get emotional thinking of how many people have died here and all over the world. In Spain people are so social and always together. The Netherlands has a individualistic culture. It’s so different. You see less people and people are afraid which is normal. Night life is different too. I don’t miss fiestas so much because what I need in life is more connection and deep talks rather than being drunk all the time. It’s been ages for me and I’m really happy to have gone a different way in drinking alcohol. I don’t need to drink much to have fun. The virus is still here and we have to be careful. They are putting some villages in Valladolid in lockdown again which just means that it isn’t over. I hope you all stay safe this Summer and have fun. We are all in this together 💪🙏.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it wasn’t too boring. I hope you all liked it. What are you up to during this Summer? How are you feeling? How is your physical and mental health? What do you think of what I wrote? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina