grief is strange

it’s 8 o’clock. i have only slept a few hours. like the night before. maybe I’m going to try to sleep some more. i think of you papita. where are you now? for me it feels like you are on a holiday and can come back any moment.

grief is strange
it makes me feel heartbroken
but at the same time
i feel suddenly blessed for everything
suddenly everyone and everything matters
what happens in the world is important but you can’t care about everything
my daddy always said you can’t think about everything
most important is being there for your loved ones
he also always said
life is not that terrible even when it feels at times
life is also beautiful
and you have to make the best of it
you are young
and you have so much time ahead of you
appreciate that

right now that feels insane
but just one moment
and everything in life changes
so it’s important to appreciate it all
and love the people who are in your life

i also do think that my relationship with my best friends is even going to be deeper
and the one i have with my mother is going to a deeper process
now I’m afraid of loosing everyone around me
but it’s okay
death is horrible and scary
but unfortunately part of life
as long as i live
i will care for mamita
and be there for her ❀️
she’s the strongest woman i know
my daddy too
facing 6 operations and suffering so much in life
now he can finally rest

sometimes i feel angry. i feel guilty for not being there at that time. i feel happy and blesses for all the love of my friends and family. i feel heartbroken. i just feel all of it. all emotions together. it reminds me a bit about my heartbreak but then a million times worse

i will not forget you
i will try to do everything you wanted me to do
and be happy one day
my daddy also said sunrises are the most beautiful thing ever
i always liked sunsets more
but maybe i have to watch more sunrises from now on
this picture is from yesterday in Valladolid
it looked so beautiful
the sky cries with you when it rainy
and the sun shines for a love that isn’t there anymore
but wants you to feel the warmth
and be there for you
and the moon wants you to know that you will never ever be alone

you are right here, right there

I just want to die :(

They say he has died

It isn’t true

My daddy lives

I don’t believe it

This is insane

I can’t deal with it

Loss

Grief

What’s going on?

How can I survive without you?

I have no idea

Please daddy come back to me

I want to hug you hard

And never let you go

I can’t sleep

I can’t eat

Depression is coming back like never before

I want to escape forever

Life makes no sense

Social media rant

Hi lovelies πŸ’ž,

I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking a lot lately about social media and how it has SO much influence on our lives and especially our mental health. I have too many accounts and I can’t keep up with them and I also don’t want anymore. It’s all fake and everytime I look at some posts on Instagram I feel anxious or depressed straight away.

Maybe that’s a sign to delete it all but I also don’t know if I could do it. We are all so attached to it. I hate it. I have this blog but that’s my safe space. I have also my mail which I use for formal things. I have a Facebook account and three accounts of Instagram like what the hell am I doing?! One account of Instagram is also my safe space because it’s related to my blog. The other one is my personal one and I have one with poetry but I don’t use it anymore.

I could delete my personal one but there are some people who I don’t have on other accounts. Deleting followers and stuff takes me more time and I don’t want to waste it on that. Social media is nice to buid community and not feeling alone. I love that and I made the most amazing friendships. I wish to meet you all one day ❀😍. It has also negative aspects such as it creates false expectations about life. Life is and will never be perfect. A dream life doesn’t exists.

We know it doesn’t exists but everytime we look at some pictures we still hear that voice that says: “look what an amazing life they are living, travelling the world, being happy and yet here I’m stuck and depressed in life”. It feels like no matter what we do, we will never be enough. Likes, followers and all that stuff doesn’t even matter in real life. Real emotions and feelings are what matters. It’s nice to have contact with people from all over the world.

I just am in the need of mental space. Social media creates a lot of damage on our mental health. It’s especially more an issue for women. It’s like you have to have that perfect body. Diet culture is so wrong. It creates false expectations all the time. I love to follow inspiring accounts about feminism and mental health. I just am debating whether to delete my personal account. On Facebook I’m already deleting people. I remember a time during high school where I was being bullied. I had just deleted and blocked people when a big group of bullies came to my locker and wanted to know why I deleted them. Like wtf. You bully me, I delete you and then you are angry at me?! Get a life I would say now to all of them.

On that moment I felt super insecure and anxious. I still am anxious in a big group of people. Fortunately, in my therapy group I feel amazing and all people are nice. I just prefer to meet a smaller group of kind and honest people than a big group. I don’t feel safe then.

I just want to see people, look them in the eyes and feel their emotions. Being there with that person and hugging them is much more meaningful then an online conversation. It will never ever replace genuine connection. I miss that these days a lot. I need more real life places where I can find that. I love to see my friends, family and therapy group. It’s so beautiful being yourself and seeing others also be theirselves and see their emotions. It’s the most beautiful thing ever ❀πŸͺ. Let’s never replace authentic connection for social media. Look up and be there for that person. I give my loved ones loads of hugs. It’s the best thing ever and also free haha.

Thank you all for reading my blog post. What do you think of social media? How many accounts do you have? Would it be good for me to delete one? Let me know what you would do in my place. I could use some advice.

Love you all xoxo,

Christina β€πŸ’–

feeling beautiful πŸ’–

hi lovelies,

I’m in Spain right now and was just organizing some clothes together with my mother. It’s nice to see that I can still wear some dresses which I didn’t wear since ages. I still fit in them. This dress I show below is beautiful and also fits perfectly. If a friend of mine has a wedding, I could wear it. Soon it won’t fit me anymore πŸ˜‚.

I have always loved the colour red too. In Spain they say that you will get lucky if you wear it when the new year begins. You can also wear red underwear lol. I also love the colour red because it suits me well. It also makes me feel sexy which is a feeling that makes me feel strange at times. As woman it feels like not good to feel this way but men can always say these kind of things to us. Fuck the patriarchy. Really.

“π‘Ύπ’Šπ’π’… π’˜π’π’Žπ’‚π’ 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒏 π’–π’π’†π’™π’‘π’π’‚π’Šπ’π’‚π’ƒπ’π’† π’”π’‘π’‚π’“π’Œ 𝒐𝒇 π’π’Šπ’‡π’†. π‘»π’‰π’†π’š 𝒐𝒐𝒛𝒆 π’‡π’“π’†π’†π’…π’π’Ž 𝒂𝒏𝒅 π’”π’†π’†π’Œ π’‚π’˜π’‚π’“π’†π’π’†π’”π’”, π’•π’‰π’†π’š π’ƒπ’†π’π’π’π’ˆ 𝒕𝒐 π’π’π’ƒπ’π’…π’š 𝒃𝒖𝒕 π’•π’‰π’†π’Žπ’”π’†π’π’—π’†π’” π’šπ’†π’• π’ˆπ’Šπ’—π’† 𝒂 π’‘π’Šπ’†π’„π’† 𝒐𝒇 π’˜π’‰π’ π’•π’‰π’†π’š 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒐 π’†π’—π’†π’“π’šπ’π’π’† π’•π’‰π’†π’š π’Žπ’†π’†π’•.
𝑰𝒇 π’šπ’π’– 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 π’Žπ’†π’• 𝒐𝒏𝒆, 𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒅 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒆𝒓, 𝒔𝒉𝒆’𝒍𝒍 π’‚π’π’π’π’˜ π’šπ’π’– π’Šπ’π’•π’ 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒐𝒔 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒔𝒉𝒆’𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒍𝒔𝒐 π’”π’‰π’π’˜ π’šπ’π’– 𝒉𝒆𝒓 π’Žπ’‚π’ˆπ’Šπ’„ πŸ’–β™€οΈ”

Anyway, I just wanted to show this dress to all of you. I’m still here but struggling. I will update another day. I’m struggling with my mental health and also physical health. I have loads of headaches and am dizzy often. I hope some doctors can sort out what’s wrong. I also hate the nightmares I have from antidepressants. I don’t know whether I should quit. I’m in Spain and really just want to enjoy it and be happy but my mind don’t always let me. I hate it. SO MUCH. 😒

I’m also going to the dentist here for my wisdom teeth. I only need one time more to go so that’s okay. I ate some delicious tapas and mexican food. Those were good moments. I also hope that I can make a trip to the ocean somewhere because I really need it. Spain has the most beautiful beaches 😍🌊πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡Έ and I need to swim in them. Mermaid vibes forever πŸŠβ€β™€οΈπŸ§œβ€β™€οΈ I have only gone swimming one day in the sea this Summer.

How are all of you? Let me know lovelies. Did you miss me on here? What kind of posts would you like to see again?

Love you all xxxx ❀️❀️❀️

The universe 🌌

the universe is big

so big

what am I doing here? why do I think about this question all the time? what is my purpose?

it makes me feel anxious, depressed but also hopeful

our problems aren’t that important

but why do we keep thinking about them all the time instead of living our lives to the fullest?

having a mental illness is horrible

what makes it only a bit better

is to watch the stars and the moon πŸŒœπŸŒ›πŸŒ

it makes me feel a bit hopeful

if only for a bit

for a while i feel at peace

i am alive

surviving

and that’s it

My 28th birthday and a mental health update

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today is my birthday πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‚β€οΈ. I don’t know whether I have to be happy about it. My best friend will come and some family members. Since this year began I’m having an incredible hard time. I know some people may have it worse and all but my pain is valid.

I’m basically in totally absence from social media and also from my blog. That’s not common for me. I’m struggling so much to be alive and it’s so damn hard to write this blog post. I don’t even know how to keep up with blogging anymore. I don’t even know where to begin. It’s so incredibly hard to write all that I’ve and still am feeling and experiencing. Since October last year I experiences terrible anxiety and from then it went all downwards until now…

I’ve had periods in my life that I was depressed and thought I want to die. Fortunately, these periods went away. However, right now I feel and am so scared that it’s going to last for like forever and I don’t want that. I’m suicidal for like months 😒. It’s so hard to write these words down because then it feels even more real. I’m going through a hell. Sometimes I have urges to do something badly to me which I don’t want. It’s just that I feel so much pain inside of me that I can’t cope anymore.

My mother is the best person in this world but can’t deal with this situation anymore. It’s too much at times πŸ’”. It’s not like I really want to die. I’ve always been afraid of life and death so it seems really confusing and strange also that at the same time I say that I want to die. All I want is the suffering to stop. I don’t want these thoughts, emotions. I don’t want all those sleepless nights. I don’t want to not being able to be happy anymore. I don’t want back pain, shoulder pain, neck pain. I don’t want these headaches. I don’t want to cry so much. I don’t want panic attacks. I don’t want to feel all of this so intensely 😒. I don’t want an upset stomach.

I stopped doing what I loved the most which is writing because I feel a burden for everyone and just feel like it would be too negative. I just want to be happy and write about positive things again but at the moment I can’t. I don’t know whether to keep writing or not.

The worst of having anxiety and depression together is that I’ve lost my happiness for the things I love to do the most in life. I just want to feel alive again. Now only when I sleep I’m happy because I’m away for a time. Everything is a struggle but I’m glad I have professional help. Sometimes I’m really afraid to be inpatient. I just don’t know what to do at times anymore. Everything feel so uncertain and I feel like nothing is right in my life. Everyone keeps going. In fact it isn’t true because nobody knows what they are doing but are good in faking it. I’m real always and honest.

Since two months I’m going to day therapy twice a week. It’s all in groups. It’s been really good for me. It creates a schedule and routine for me. We paint, draw, do theater, have deep talks and are supportive for each other. It feels good to know that I’m not the only one struggling. We learn how to set boundaries and say no. We learn about our senses. I also help in the garden a lot. I made some nice friends too. Some have been inpatient, some have depression, anxiety or psychosis. We are all the same and it’s all okay. We matter. We are not our mental illness. The treatment team is so lovely. I feel really heard and welcome. I can cry whenever I want and it’s all okay. Last week I was at the gp crying too. She was also super nice. I love my doctor. She said that I will get through this even though it costs time. She also said that my story touched her. I thought I was just a number. Sometimes she calls me and asks me how I’m doing.

I still need to do a blood test but I hate needles and blood. It’s my biggest fear. I just want to make sure everything else is alright health wise. The only person who is a bit strange is my psychiatrist. He says to me that I have a house, parents and always can get money from the government if I don’t work. He also said you can do whatever you want with your life. You have the right to make an end or go on with life. Maybe he said that to make me think but it was just so strange. He talked about the universe too. I also talked about sex with him lol πŸ˜‚ pretty normal. I just need him to subscribe me medication. I had Citalopram 30mg for 6 weeks but it didn’t work so I quit. Then I felt hot flashes and strange flashes. A few days ago I began Zoloft. I started with 50mg and will maybe go up to 100mg. I really pray it will help to ease my anxiety and especially the suicidal thoughts which come from depression. I have always struggled more with anxiety in the past but now depression too which is so hard. I don’t know which is harder. To have both is even worse.

Screw society expectations and everything. To be alive today on my 28th birthday is a milestone because I didn’t know I would. I’m still here and that’s all that matters. I hope this year will bring me health and happiness. I need it πŸ€πŸ™. You matter always. I always think of all the things you have to have achieved on a certain age but screw that. I’m working on myself. My healing. My health. That’s the hardest work you can do. You will hopefully benefit your whole life from it.

Thank you always for being there for me. I never forget any of you. Now you know what’s going on with me. I will maybe update again. I will see. At least I will eat a delicious cake and some pizza today. The sun is also shining so that’s nice πŸŒžπŸ•πŸ˜‹. I just wish to be better one day…

Love you all πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina

August favourites πŸ’•πŸŒž

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

It’s still Summer in my head lol 🌞. I still need to write some posts about Summer haha. At least then I can still enjoy Summer. Nowadays all I see is rain and a grey sky in Holland. I miss Summer so much 😭. I hate the Winter months. It also makes me feel low and depressed at times. I had so much fun in August. I enjoyed the swimming pool many times, I ate a delicious amount of food in Spain, had fun with my friends and more which you can read below. August is only about food mostly haha I love it.

Things I did with my lovely family πŸ‘ͺ:

Going to the swimming pool 🏊

I LOVE swimming so much! πŸ˜πŸ’• I already miss swimming so much. It’s so good for your physical and mental health. I went seven days to the swimming pool. I went some days with my mamita and also some days with my lovely Spanish friend. I also enjoyed eating some snacks, bread and reading some books and magazines on the grass. Those Summer days going to the pool are definitely what make my Summer complete. I wanted to go more days but I couldn’t because of my period and I also had to go to the dentist for my wisdom teeth removal. Swimming makes me feel so happy and relaxing. I can’t wait to swim again soon. I’m a mermaid forever πŸ§œβ€β™€οΈ.

Eating a delicious ice cream 🍧

I love to eat ice creams from Iborra which is the famous ice shop in Valladolid. It’s SO damn delicious. It’s all natural. I always love the flavour white chocolate and mint chocolate chip ice cream. I love it so much!! We also made some nice pictures on the beautiful main square of Valladolid.

Milkshake time πŸ’•

My favourite milkshake is the chocolate one with whipped cream. Aaaah it’s so delicious mmmm!! 😍 I like to eat it on La Plaza Mayor with mamita. She always drinks a camille tea. My mother also ate a delicious apple pie. It was a beautiful Summer night to spend the evening on a terrace outside.

Meeting up with Jairo and his mother πŸ’–

We finally saw the mother of VerΓ³nica and Jairo. My brother didn’t come to Spain this Summer because of the pandemic. It was nice to see them and drinking something together. I hope that soon we can all be together again and celebrate life. I find it hard to not be all together again. That makes this time hard because all we want is just to be around our loved ones. That’s what makes life worth living. I hope those times will come soon again πŸ™.

Eating a delicious tortilla at Erchus 😍

A typical Spanish food I love is tortilla de patata. It’s an omelete of eggs and potatoes. I also drank a delicious mosto which is grape juice and we got some free chips. I love the new restaurant Erchus so much. It looks pretty cool now with the letters and the new interior.

Delicious dinner at Elany 🍴

Elany is my favourite restaurant ever in Valladolid. I always come there so much. The owners are so sweet. It’s nice to go to places where you know the people πŸ’ž. That evening we ate some delicious croquettes with grape juice and we got free tortilla de patata with the Spanish flag πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡Έ haha. I always carry those ones home.

Pancakes in El Corte InglΓ©s πŸ₯ž

El Corte InglΓ©s has so much delicious food always. We ate delicious pancakes with whipped cream and warm chocolate sauce πŸ«πŸ’ž. My mother had some bread with fish and a delicious glass of red wine. I drank a camille tea. I love the view from the restaurant so much. You can see whole Valladolid. The restaurant is on the last floor which is the sixth floor.

Beautiful sunset in the park Las Moreras πŸŒ‡

I love Summer sunsets so much 🌞. I went for a beautiful walk many times with my mother and we saw a beautiful sunset. The sky was stunning. I loved the colours blue, pink and it even looked purple too. We don’t need much in life. I was in awe watching it. We went for a beautiful walk along the river and just enjoyed the view. It’s those little moments in life which counts so much ✨.

Walks in nature 🌲🌳

We spend some more time just enjoying nature and watching the beautiful view from the river. I love it so much. It’s so calming to watch the stillness of the water. Afterwards, we had a delicious dinner at Erchus. I loved the sandwich mixto with potatoes and a mosto. My mother drank a camille tea and got some free churros and olives. It was all delicious like always.

Things I did with my lovely friends πŸ’–:

Having dinner with my lovely friend πŸ’™

I enjoy eating dinner again at Elany. We always eat there. It’s cheap and delicious so why change from place?! I love my favourite restaurants so much. We eat some delicious croquettes with bread and some grape juice. It was so nice to be able to see friends again. I missed you so much amiguita mia. I love you forever. I’m so grateful to have such great people in my life who love me for the way I’m.

Other amazing things of August πŸ’ž:

New shirt from Azabache πŸ‘•

I love the new shirt I bought from my favourite shop Azabache. I have so many clothes from them. I love those hippie clothes. This white shirt is perfect for beautiful Summer days. I love the motives. It’s too cold now to wear it but maybe I can just wear it at home lol.

Watched The Greatest Showman 🎬

I got this beautiful DVD from my daddy for my birthday 😍. I already saw this movie once and it was amazing to see it again. This movie is SO GOOOOD!!!! It’s just so wonderful made. The songs are amazing 🎢. My favourite song is ”This is me”. It reminds me of the time I got bullied during high school. This is me and I’m enough the way I’m. ”I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, this is me.” Those lyrics just hit me so much. No sharp words will put me down. I also love Zac Efron in this movie and just all the actors. Hugh Jackman is amazing. It’s just so important to know that we all matter in this world no matter how we look like, which gender we have, race or nationality or whatever. We are meant to be in this world and deserve all the love and happiness. If you want to watch a feel good movie then this one will be perfect for you. I also got emotional just watching this beautiful movie and hearing the songs.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you liked it. Have you also watched The Greatest Showman? Which food of my post would you love to try? Do you also love to go swimming? What did you do in August? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

World Mental Health Day 2020 πŸ’šπŸ’ͺ

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today is World Mental Health Day. Mental health is important every damn day. Mental health is as important as physical health. Today I want to share a poem about mental health. I’m here for you all πŸ™πŸ’ž. This year is even harder for all of us because of being more isolated this year. More people died by suicide and are struggling with their mental health because of the pandemic. I definitely feel this year is really such a struggle. It’s important that we all help each other.

Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness on a daily basis. I can say that we are done about speaking up. It’s time to change the whole mental health care system. The waiting lists are too long, the help is too late at times and there are no funds for good treatments. This is a worldwide issue which definitely need to change in all countries. Voting a political party which listen to our needs could make a change. There needs to be done so much in our society until everyone can get the help they need whenever they need it.

I’m so thankful for the support I have here online. I love the blogging mental health community. I love the support I get from my family especially my mother. She knows how to care for me and love me especially on the days I feel bad. I love my friends, pen pals and online friends so much too. I take anti anxiety meds when I need them like when I go to the dentist, have to fly or any other situation which makes me anxious and out of control. Everyone deals with it on their own way. There’s no right way. I don’t know whether I will go therapy once and that would help me. It’s also not okay to push someone into doing something they don’t think would help. Healing and recovery isn’t linear and it different for everyone. I think sometimes we just have to find a way with living with it. Writing, doing yoga, blogging, singing, listening to music, being with my loved ones, walks in nature, the sea, surfing, reading, meditation, speaking with someone I trust are all important tools that make me feel better. I hope you also have some great resources that will help you in your life. Mental health illnesses are so complexed, different and hard to treat. I guess at one point it will get better. We have to fight for that day and stay together.

This is the most vulnerable video I made. It’s a spoken poem for today. I hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggle and know that we are all in this together ❀️πŸ’ͺ I love you all so much.

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Today it's World Mental Health Day. This has to be every day and not just one day in a year. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. 1 out of 5 people suffer from a mental illness on a daily basis. I can say that we are done about speaking up. It's time to change the whole mental health care system. The waiting lists are too long, the help is too late at times and there are no funds for good treatments. This is a worldwide issue which definitely need to change in all countries. Voting a political party which listen to our needs could make a change. There needs to be done so much in our society until everyone can get the help they need whenever they need it. This is the most vulnerable video I made. It's a spoken poem for today. I hope it makes you feel less alone in your struggle and know that we are all in this together ❀️πŸ’ͺ I love you all so much. I close my eyes All I see and feel is darkness I feel lost I'm not myself anymore My chest feels tight I'm breathing faster My heart rate is racing So many thoughts about the future I'm nauseous I'm getting dizzy Cold Warm I'm getting crazy Why can't I just feel like a normal person? I began to cry What's happening to me? This is what it feels to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks It's the worst 1 of 5 people suffer on a daily basis with their mental health Depression, bipolar, borderline, eating disorder, psychoses, anxiety, ocd Any person can suffer from one or more of them They all matter No matter your nationality, gender, age, race Mental illnesses are real There's no need to shame What we need is compassion, support and respect A better mental health system Every illness counts Time is ticking It's time to save lives Change the mental health care system We don't want more deaths We want better treatments available for all Because We all deserve to feel safe, loved and get the help we need whenever we need it Our time is now Let's all fight for a better system and society We are not alone We are all in this together always πŸ’ͺ❀️ We are warriors πŸ’ͺ Love you all Amen β€οΈπŸ™

A post shared by Sea of words 🌊 (@seaofwordsblog) on

I close my eyes
All I see and feel is darkness
I feel lost
I’m not myself anymore
My chest feels tight
I’m breathing faster
My heart rate is racing
So many thoughts about the future
I’m nauseous
I’m getting dizzy
Cold
Warm
I’m getting crazy
Why can’t I just feel like a normal person?
I began to cry
What’s happening to me?

This is what it feels to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks
It’s the worst
1 of 5 people suffer on a daily basis with their mental health
Depression, bipolar, borderline, eating disorder, psychoses, anxiety, ocd
Any person can suffer from one or more of them
They all matter
No matter your nationality, gender, age, race
Mental illnesses are real
There’s no need to shame
What we need is compassion, support and respect
A better mental health system
Every illness counts
Time is ticking
It’s time to save lives
Change the mental health care system
We don’t want more deaths
We want better treatments available for all
Because
We all deserve to feel safe, loved and get the help we need whenever we need it
Our time is now
Let’s all fight for a better system and society
We are not alone
We are all in this together always πŸ’ͺ❀️
We are warriors πŸ’ͺ
Love you all
Amen β€οΈπŸ™

Remember, you are never alone. Like Ram Dass says, we are walking each other home. We are here for each other. I really wouldn’t know where I would be without all of you. My blog. My safe space. It’s so good to have a place where you feel like you can be yourself. I never felt this way before. I have always felt the feeling that I don’t belong anywhere. I never felt at home until I went to NYC and spoke at the United Nations and when I did my internship in Valladolid. Those places reminded me that good people exists. I also never felt at home until I began this blog. I didn’t knew so many awesome, inspirational and good people exists. Sometimes we forget it because of all what’s going on in the world. When there’s so much negative news we sometimes go into a dark hole and can only see the negative side of this world. I’m happy that thanks to blogging I know there are so many people who want you to be happy, healthy and will support you along your way.

Thank you a million times for always being there for me. There will be good and hard times in life. As long as we are together we will be fine because we will support each other along the way in this crazy adventure called life. I hope we can all meet one day, have deep talks and enjoy life together. I can’t wait to see you all making your wildest and biggest dreams coming true. I will always be cheering you from the side. You are not alone. You are kind. You are loved. Always remember too, you are enough. Don’t let society make you feel like you are not. Your mental health illness doesn’t define you as a person. I sometimes also feel like I’m an anxious person but it’s more like I suffer from anxiety. I’m not my anxiety. We aren’t our illness. We are much more than that. It isn’t our choice to be sick.

Thank you all for reading and watching my video. I hope it made you feel less alone and inspired you 🌌🌠. What do you think need to change in the mental health care system? What does make you feel better? How are you feeling now? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Music of August πŸŽΆβ€οΈ

Hola lovelies πŸ’•,

I feel like it’s been a long time since I posted a blog. I’ve been feeling depressed, a bit anxious and bad as you could read on my last blog post. I woke up and the whole week I felt this way. It’s not just that I lack a purpose in life. I feel the suffering and the state of the world SO much because I’m a highly sensitive person. It’s okay to feel but sometimes it gets way too overwhelming. I’m happy to feel again lighter and more hopeful. Here’s to better times ahead πŸ™βœ¨. I guess especially in these times we have to keep this hope alive because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to cope. It’s too much negative news all the time. It’s okay to take a social media break. Do what feels good to you. I’m back in The Netherlands since a few days. I already miss Spain 😒πŸ‡ͺπŸ‡Έ. Hopefully we will be back soon.

In this blog post I will share you my favourite music of August which includes the AMAZING album Folklore by Taylor Swift 😍🎢, some amazing Spanish songs by Aitana ft. Morat, Lola Indigo and much more.

Taylor Swift – Folklore

OMGGGG MY FAV ARTIST EVER RELEASED A NEW ALBUM JUST AS A SURPRISE!!! 😍😍😍 She announced it and bam there it was. Taylor Swift, the queen of the music industry πŸ‘ΈπŸ‘‘ as known was the artist of the decade. I really love her so much. I love her as a person SO much and also her music is just the best and most beautiful. I loved her last album Lover so much. This album was something totally different and less pop which was really nice. I also missed at times the country Taylor. This is one of my favourite albums of her and I keep listen to it on repeat. I can’t stop it. It’s way too good. She sings about so many stories. She is THE person to write them. I also wanted to make an apart blog post for it later. She wored together with Bon Iver, The National en Jack Antonoff. I love this alternative album SO much πŸ₯°. Its perfect for the end of Summer and beginning of Autumn. It makes me feel nostalgic, sad and it has mistery in it. All my songs are my favourite haha I can’t choose but I will try to choose my favourites which you can listen below.

Taylor Swift – cardigan

”Vintage tee, brand new phone
High heels on cobblestones
When you are young, they assume you know nothing
Sequin smile, black lipstick
Sensual politics
When you are young, they assume you know nothing”

THIS song and the video is so amazing! WOW so beautiful!!! 😍 She directed this all by herself. She choosed the clothes, make up and just everything. I’m so impressed and also not because she literally can do everything. The visuals are out of the world. I love this song. It brings me such a great sense of calm. She also looks so beautiful. The scene in the forest and in the sea are my favourites.

Taylor Swift – the last great american dynasty

And they said “There goes the last great American dynasty”
Who knows, if she never showed up what could’ve been
There goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen
She had a marvelous time ruining everything

This is another amazing song which also has such a great story behind it. It’s about a woman from St. Louis who is named RebekahΒ West Harkness. She is a famously wild heiress who once owned the Rhode Island coastal mansion that Swift purchased in 2013 for about $17 million. I really like this connection so much. She always have so much stories to tells us in her songs.

Taylor Swift ft. Bon Iver – exile

I think I’ve seen this film before
And I didn’t like the ending
You’re not my homeland anymore
So what am I defendin’ now?
You were my town
Now I’m in exile seein’ you out
I think I’ve seen this film before

This duet is SO beautiful with Bon Iver!!! 😍 This is one of my favourite songs ever. The low voice of Bon Iver blends really well with Taylor in this song. It’s a sad song and makes me feel so much. This song is about a doomed couple rehashing their relationship. It beings very low and when they sing together it explodes which is my favourite part ever. You can feel the emotion in it. This song is just in prefect harmony.

Taylor Swift – betty

But if I just showed up at your party
Would you have me?
Would you want me?
Would you tell me to go fuck myself
Or lead me to the garden?
In the garden would you trust me
If I told you it was just a summer thing?
I’m only seventeen
I don’t know anything but I know I miss you

The songs cardigan/betty and august are a β€˜Teenage Love Triangle’. James and Betty are two teens who were dating, but over the summer James started secretly sleeping with another girl. Betty found out about the affair from Inez, and tried to break up with James but it sounds like they got back together in the end. β€˜Cardigan’ is from Betty’s point of view, lamenting the loss of young love. β€˜August’ is from the perspective of the other woman, who had the secret summer affair with James. And β€˜betty’ is all about James trying to get Betty back. Taylor is so good in storytelling. This song sounds so country which I really did miss these years. I really love this song. I also like the harmonica too. It makes it even better.

Aitana ft. Morat – MΓ‘s de lo que apostΓ©

Aitana is becoming such an amazing artist since she participated in the Spanish talent show OperaciΓ³n Triunfo. This song is so catchy! It’s so amazing 😍. Also, Morat is an amazing band from Colombia. This collab is again a hit.

Rvfv ft. Lola Indigo – Trendy

Awesome song again from Lola Indigo! I love the cowboy vibes πŸ˜πŸ€ πŸ‘’ She dances and sings so well. I love all the dancers so much. The choreography is amazing.

Eva B – AmΓ©rica

Eva became third in OperaciΓ³n Triunfo this year. She has so much personality and charisma. I love the videoclip and this single of her fits her so well. I can’t wait for more amazing songs of her.

Jawsh 685 x Jason Derulo – Savage Love (Laxed – Siren Beat)

I always heard this song on the radio in Spain and immediately loved it. It’s so catchy and uplifting! 😍 It really makes me happy to listen to. It’s been a long time since I listened to Jason Derulo.

Miley Cyrus – Midnight sky

“I was born to run, I don’t belong to anyone, oh no
I don’t need to be loved by you

Miley is back with such a masterpiece! 😍 I really like the whole vibes of this song. I love her low voice. It sounds SO good!! I’m happy she is back with great music.

BLACKPINK ft. Selena Gomez – Ice cream

This is an amazing collaboration with the Kpop group BLACKPINK and Selena Gomez. I love ice cream 😍🍨. Hahah this song makes me want to eat one. I really like this song.

Lola Indigo ft. Danna Paola y Denise Rosental – SanterΓ­a

Wow this song and video is SO awesome! 😍 Three powerful women together πŸ”₯ This song relates to a religion that was developed in Cuba. The videoclip is amazing. The performance is so good!! This is a perfect song to dance on and also makes you feel empowered as a woman πŸ’ƒβ™€οΈ.

Amaia Romero – Cosas interesantes para decir

I’m so happy Amaia is back with some new music. It’s so good! πŸ’–. It’s a great pop song which makes you happy. I’m so happy she always stays authentic and real. Her voice is always so sweet which I love so much.

Amaia Romero – La victoria

These two songs were recorded directly in the studio. I really like this one too. The instruments are also amazing. I can’t wait to see her live one day with her band. She sings about people looking at her but not seeing her. She also sings about how not everyone tells the truth which is so relatable nowadays.

Nea ft. Felix Jaehn – Some say remix

I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH!!!! 😍😍 I heard it so much on the Spanish radio. The chorus can remind you of the song Blue da ba dee by Eiffel 65. It’s really such a relaxing song.

BTS – Dynamite

What a great new song of BTS! I can’t wait to see what they have in store with their new album. I’m sure there will be more amazing song in it like this one. BTS never fails in making amazing music. They are such cuties too. Thank you for making this world a better place to live in.

JoJo ft. Demi Lovato – Lonely hearts

I really miss some more music with Demi Lovato. I really liked this collab with JoJo. I really like when they sing together. It sounds very well. Maybe it’s not totally my style of music I would listen to but I like it.

Thank you all for reading and listening to these amazing list of songs. What are your favourite songs of Folklore? Which song do you like from my list? To which artist do you listen to often? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

Feeling done with this world πŸ˜’πŸ’”

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today I will write a not so happy blog post. I like to share about my favourites and music reviews but I love to just write anything what’s on my mind because then I’m writing from my heart to yours. It makes me feel a bit better to let my thoughts go and I also hope it will help others to feel less alone. We all struggle in life with things only not at the same time. I hope I won’t sound too depressive but I just really don’t feel okay lately. Everything feels heavy and too much. I’m always my authentically self on this blog so I will try to be honest about my feelings and thoughts. When Summer ends I always feel this way because I’m a Summer girl forever. I don’t like dark days and less sun light.

I don’t know why I feel this way lately. Maybe it’s the thought of having to go back to Holland in two weeks. I have been SO happy here in Spain. I have been eating tapas a lot, drinking delicious milkshakes and ice creams, went swimming, went on a trip to the beach with my mother and surfed after 4 years πŸ„πŸŒŠ which I will share soon with you all, went for walks and saw my friends here a lot. I really have been enjoying life so much.

A few nights ago I cried about thinking having to go back to The Netherlands πŸ˜­πŸ’”. I don’t want. I’m just SO done with leaving my happy place. I love The Netherlands too. I love to see my friends and family there too of course. I’m just SO much happier in Spain. Just writing this makes me cry so much again. I just want to live here forever. I also experience anxiety here but at the end my heart longs for Spain. I’m also anxious that we won’t be able to go again for a long time because of the pandemic. I applied for jobs without any luck. If there’s one thing I know for sure is that I want to live in Spain permenantly.

I also feel anxious and depressed again to go to the dentist. I’m happy it went again well. In this blog post I talk about my experience of my second wisdom tooth removal. I still have to go twice but I’m more anxious for the lower wisdom teeth because they are in my gum. I don’t know whether to do it here now or in a few months. I’m really dreading it. I love this dentist but that doesn’t mean I’m not anxious to go anymore. Still feeling anxious and not okay. It’s still no fun. It isn’t a trauma and didn’t hurt that much afterwards. The only thing is that with the lower wisdom teeth extraction it will hurt a bit more. He said one or two points more, nothing like a brave women like you won’t be able to tolerate. It was really sweet what he said but I feel like I don’t want to be brave anymore.

I feel depressed lately and anxious 😞. I don’t know how to live life without feeling constantly anxious about something whether that’s going to the dentist, flying, going to an interview or anything else. I feel like I have no purpose and will never achieve my dreams because of anxiety. Then a friend of me said that it would be good to go to therapy. Well, I had some talks in the past and had to vomit every time and felt even more depressed and worse afterwards. I don’t want to go through that again. I also don’t like people giving me advice because like Yoga Girl said, we know ourselves the best. I love to get tips and recommendations but at the end this is my life. I just hate when people tell me what to do even though some will mean it well. I’m a helper and I have pleases way too many people in my life who didn’t deserve it. It’s my turn now to choose what’s right for me even though I sometimes don’t have any clue and feel lost as hell in life.

Everything what’s happening in this world right now also makes me feel totally not okay. I deactivated FB and my personal Instagram. Sometimes I think of deleting it all but that’s maybe too much I will just take a break. I’m done with seeing happy perfect pictures and fake lives. Inspiring people is what makes me happy and following others who inspire me too such as Yoga Girl, artists and other people. Social media often gived such as a false view of life. What you see isn’t real. I think that makes us all feel even worse especially when we are dealing with mental health illnesses such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, eating disorder or any other. To see people living their life best while you are not feeling okay will not help you. I giess it’s important to have a social media detox. I feel different while blogging because I’m just completely myself without feeling I will be judged. Blogging is my safe space and will always be πŸ™πŸ’–.

Everything feels too heavy for me lately. I decided to stop watching news or anything triggering my mental health too. It’s not being egoistic but I really can’t deal with any negative news happening in this world anymore. It’s too much for my highly sensitive brain. I can’t take it anymore. I think for the people who are already sensitive for negativity and also are struggling in life, this pandemic hit really hard. I remember when it all began in March and I was just lying in bed thinking about the world ending. I still sometimes think of this question: How can I cope in this world when I don’t see any light in the tunnel? When is this going to end? My anxiety goes to the roof when I don’t know the end point of something. I know that when I go to the dentist half hour later I feel okay again. With this it’s different. No one knows when this pandemic will end and if it will end one day. It makes it definitely more scary which makes me feel even more anxious.

I’m happy I live a more normal life here in Spain. For many months I was at home and only going on a few walks. I have been doing loads of fun stuff here but always doing social distance, wearing a mask which I hate because it gets so warm, and washing my hands a lot. I just feel that even though we have the internet, it makes us feel more isolated and lonelier too. Yes, video calls and chatting is nice but it will NEVER replace real human connection. Seeing each other face to face and hugging each other is the most valuable things ever in life. Having a vulnerable conversation with someone we love, crying on someone’s their shoulder, helping a stranger, giving someone a hug will never be the same online. The online world will never give you the same feelings. Seeing everyone being afraid of each other and not wanting to be near to them breaks my heart even more. Really?! What has the world become? I know they are many things to be grateful for like being more present, slowing down and spending time in nature. It’s just really hard sometimes.

This was basically my rant of how I feel in life regarding to the pandemic, this world and just my feelings. I hope we all have a safe space to be able to talk about our feelings without being judged. I’m here for you all and hope you are all being safe πŸ™πŸ’–.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. How are you all doing? What are some tips you have for me for coping with anxiety with everything what’s happening in this world? Do you also feel better when doing a social detox? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina