Sea of words

Sometimes all you need is a trip to the ocean 🌊🌞🏄

15 septiembre 2018

Hola lovelies 💕,

I’m really feeling like I’m in stuck lately. I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and I’m not. It feels like I’m not living at all but just surviving with these feelings and thoughts. I just have to take it day by day. My anxiety is getting bad again as you may you have read in my last blog posts. In this blog post I will tell you why I spontaneous planned a trip to the beach with my mum and why it will help my mental health so much.

I edited this collage with beautiful beach quotes I found ✌

Last week, I enjoyed the fiestas of Valladolid which was 10 days long. I enjoyed the delicious tapas, I went to amazing concerts and I had fun with my mother and friends. Last Friday, I was waiting for an artist to get a picture with them and you never know who I saw also waiting for the artist: the dentist. The one I’ve to go and the one who did the dental implant of my mother. Hhahah it was so funny and also kinda awkward 😂. I was all the time talking about how I’ve to go to the dentist and that I’m anxious about it. My mother said maybe that’s him. Then he turned around and he said “hola” to my mother and to me “oh so you are the one who is afraid.” I said yes haha feeling shy. He was with a girl and I saw them kissing a lot lol it was such a pretty random meeting. He was also smoking which I think is pretty strange if you are a dentist, right?! I think smoking isn’t that good for your tooth but hey, that’s my opinion. We talked a bit about the artists and he said he enjoyed the concert and then they walked away. He seemed pretty handsome 😆. He’s like 40 years I guess.

Last Wednesday, I entered the dentist clinic and I really had to force myself to make an appointment. I didn’t see the dentist. I went with my mother and we only talked to a woman in the reception. She seemed nice and they even had a video with ambiance music with nature sounds. Hahah, seems perfect for anxious people like me 😂. She said we had to make an appointment because everything was full that day. I said I didn’t have any pain only that my wisdom teeth aren’t okay. I’ve an appointment for next Wednesday at 7.00 in the afternoon. I hope I’ll not again postpone it and don’t go. I know I’ve to go and that’s is the best for my health. It’s only to make a picture of my tooth and talk with the dentist. You all know I’ve airplane tickets to go back to The Netherlands on the 26 of September. So, I don’t know if I need to get a treatment for my wisdom teeth before and if there’s enough time for it. I prefer to do it here because if he really is nice and caring, it would be much better for me. It’s also cheaper in Spain. I’ve been thinking to send the dentist clinic a message on Facebook about my anxiety but maybe that would be strange.

So, Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep again and was thinking that I really need to get away to feel better. I had to something to feel less anxiety and be happy again. I knew exactly what it was. I wanted to go to a Surf Camp in Somo, Santander which is in the north of Spain for so long. I also wanted to surprise my mother because her birthday is on the 22th of September. My father’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I sent him via a website a pie with some designed pictures so I also wanted to do something special for my mother. I was looking for hotels and found a cheap hotel in Somo, a paradise for surfers. This hotel has also a delicious Italian restaurant. Pizza and a beach hotel is just the perfect combination 🍕🌊. I’m already hungry for the pizza I’m going to eat 😍. The hotel is just 150 meters from the beach. I booked spontaneous a hotel for two nights which costed €110 which is pretty cheap. We are going this Sunday until Tuesday. The reviews of this hotel were so good too. I’m not going to a Surf Camp because the last one was this weekend. Instead, I’m going to take surf classes for €30 🏄🌊🌞. I didn’t surf since two years so I’m really looking forward to it. Maybe, I will take one or two. My mother is really happy with this present. I’m so excited to go away for a few days. We still have to pack. My mother already bought the train tickets. It was like €78 for both and with some discount cards.

Sometimes you just have to do what your mind tells you to do as in ways of doing spontaneous things such as travelling. Travelling always make me so happy even though flying makes me anxious. I prefer to travel by bus or train. I know flying is safe but I still feel anxious on airplanes and especially when there are turbulences. I just need to go to a beautiful place to clear my mind and be at peace. The best place to go for me is the beach. Feeling the wind in my hair, tasting the salt sea, hearing the waves, watching the waves crashing into the rocks, smelling the salt air all creates me a sense of peace. The sea gives me so much happiness. It always makes me so happy. I feel more calm and my anxiety become less. When I’m at the beach I feel one with the world and I can’t think of any problems. It all disappear just at that moment. Whenever I take the first step on the sand I already feel that the world is a happy place and that I belong here. In another blog post, I will write more about my relationship with the sea. I’ve always loved the sea. In The Netherlands, I lived just 15 min by car or one hour by bike from the sea. Here in Spain, the nearest place for me is Santander. It takes 3 hours by train or 4 and a half hours by bus. The beach of Somo is 30 minutes away by bus or 15 min by boat from Santander.

Somo is a beautiful beach to enjoy for especially surfers. I’ve always wanted to go there and now I’m finally going and I feel like I’m in heaven when I look at this two videos. The beach is so beautiful. It’s a paradise for beach lovers as me. You can swim in the ocean and take beautiful walks. I love to walk on the beach. I love to swim in the ocean. I love to surf. I love to read on the beach. I love to take pictures on the beach. You can do so many amazinf activities on the beach. The list is endless. This beach is more than 2000 km long and it’s a beach of sand which I love. I don’t like beaches with rocks or stones that much. It hurts me. I love to feel the soft sand in my toes. I’m always covered with sands haha whereas so many other people hate it. The sand is my friend hahaha 😂. I love it all. Beautiful nature 😍💕🌊🌞.

Just look at these two videos I found on Youtube and you will know what I mean.

The sea cures everything. The salty water is so good for your health. I’ve also felt afraid in the ocean and respect it much because it seems like a infinite place. I can swim very well but I’m afraid to drown. I never go too deep into the ocean just to be safe. I remember a time I went to a Surf Camp in Galicia in the north of Spain too and was afraid of the high waves there. There was also bad weather so it didn’t make it better. I was looking at the weather and it will be between 22 and 28 degrees the days we’re going so that’s perfect 👌. The water is always much colder than the south of Spain. It also rains a lot in this region (Cantabria) so I always check the weather before I go. I just love to be in the sea, swim and surf. I never catched a real wave so hopefully one day I will. I can stand on the surfboard. I’m just still learning and just having fun which is the most important. I didn’t do it for two years so I’m still a beginner. I have to look if I still fit in my wetsuit. The sea is my medicine. Everything about the sea makes me feel so calm. Nature definitely is so beautiful and we have to go there more and enjoy it more. Whenever I’m surfing, swimming or just walking at the beach I forget everything. I feel at peace at the moment. Just being present makes such a difference in my anxious mind. Not thinking about the past or not thinking about the future is just the best. I have to admit that I really have to focus more on the now even though it’s difficult. It makes such a different in your mindset.

the-cure-for-anything-is-salt-water-sweat-tears-or-the-sea-guido-montanes-castillo.jpg

I can’t wait to go on Sunday. I’m counting the hours to meet the real love of my life again, the ocean. My last time at the beach was at the end of July when I went to Granada. I already miss it so much. Here’s a little poem I wrote about the love I have for the ocean. I hope you like it. I want to share more poems which I wrote.

The love of the ocean 🌊

The ocean who is always there for me, in good and bad times.

The ocean who knows all my secrets.

The ocean who knows my fears.

The ocean who never let me down.

The ocean who calms my anxiety.

The ocean who cures everything.

The ocean who makes my heart so happy.

The ocean is my home.

The ocean is where I belong.

I will never stop loving the ocean.

Sometimes all you need is vitamin sea. Just do the things which calm your soul and which makes you happy you are alive. We really have to do more things we love. At the end, we will only remember the trips we made, the people who love, the things as books, music and movies we listened and watched and which will hold deep memories. Do more of what makes you happy and free. We’ll always be young, wild, happy and free 😄✌💕.

A beautiful picture and quote I edited. I took this picture some years ago at the beach Zandvoort in The Netherlands. I hope you like it 😄

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope it inspired you to go on more spontaneous trips and do things which really make you happy in life. Do you also have dentist anxiety and do you have some tips to be calm? Do you also love to go on spontaneous trips? Do you love the sea as much as I do? Did you like my pictures and poem? I would love to know your thoughts and opinion 😄. I speak to you all soon in my next blog post which problably will be about this trip and maybe a photo diary.

Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina

10 September: World Suicide Prevention Day

12 septiembre 2018

Hey lovelies 💕,

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments on my last blog post. I hope that I will feel soon okay and that everything will be allright. This is my 100^th post on WordPress. I just can’t believe I’ve wrote so many posts already. It’s an incredible adventure. I’m really so thankful to be part of this beautiful blogging community. Thank you all for always holding space and for always being there. I’m here to stay and will always create great content. I’m also happy to write new content. You guys mean the world to me and I wish to meet you all soon. I want to be able to give you all a hug, chat and have fun together. I love you all so much ❤

Today I want to talk about something really important which I also shared last year on my blog. It’s about world suicide prevention day. I want to add more things and also share a beautiful text from To Write Love On Her Arms. TWLOHA is a beautiful non-provit movement dedicated to presenting hope & finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. There’s also an other proyect called Proyect Semicolon which is an organization dedicated to the prevention of suicide. Through raising public awareness, educating communities, and equipping every person with the right rools, they know that they can save lives.

Today is an important day in the world. Today is world suicide prevention day. More than 800.000 people die each year of commiting suicide. That’s one person every 40 seconds. This is just so horrible. Suicide is still one of the main causes of death in the world. It’s really a shocking fact.

World-Suicide-Prevention-Day1

I think a person who has a mental illness can have suicidal thoughts. Of course, I will not say everybody because there are some people who don’t have these thoughts. I will admit that suffering from anxiety myself I have these thoughts. I still feel sometimes ashamed to have these thoughts. People always say when someone commit suicide how selfish this person is to leave all his/her beloved ones. Now, I know that it isn’t selfish at all. A person who commit suicide didn’t had enough help or support and just couldn’t stand any longer the pain they feel in life.

I know from myself that I will never do anything to harm myself or be in danger. I just have sometimes negative thoughts like it would be better if I die because nobody loves me or because I’m not worth it. I only remember a time at college where I really began to feel extremely bad. I don’t know if I really felt suicidal but I began to have so many negative thoughts, couldn’t sleep at night, felt really anxious and was completely withdrawing my social life. I didn’t leave my house for like two months while working on a proyect of photography for school. This was really not okay. My good friends also began to notice that something wasn’t allright. This also happened in Spain this year twice where I didn’t left the house in two weeks. I still feel a bit scared to share my story because it feels like I can’t label myself for a person who is really in danger you know. I just wish we would treat every mental illness with respect and understanding. Everyone deserve help and every experience is valid. Not because someone has it worse than you means that your feelings and thoughts don’t count.

I’m glad I have a supportive family and friends. I’m glad I can get help whenever I need to. Lately, I’ve been thinking to really go to therapy because maybe I need it too besides taking antidepressants and anti anxiety medication. I’m again struggling with anxiety and with the things I explained in My last blog post. I tried 7 sessions with a social worker in The Netherlands and I was all the time too anxious to go and it made it worse until the point I had to vomit each time. So, I still don’t know if I will try it again or if it will work out. It’s just important to have support and help whenever you need to.

The point is suicide is everywhere around us. I don’t want to sound depressing but it’s. I’ve heard of some people from my high school who commited suicide. I didn’t know them but still it hits me. We all know that so many artists commited suicide. It’s really painful. Last year Chester Benningston commited suicide. This year Avicii, Kate Spade and Mc Miller commited suicide. Also Demi Lovato did an overdose which could have been really bad but I’m so thankful that she got the help she need to recover now. There are so many artists to name to the endless list. It’s really sad. What I think is important is that we have to talk about suicide every day not only when a famous one dies of suicide. It’s a difficult subject but we have to spread awareness. Every day there are people commiting suicide. Also to mention the dead of Mc Miller this weekend. People are blaming Ariana Grande for his death which I found really not right. He was a drug addict and she felt she was in a toxic relationship. She has the right to walk away. At the end, the responsibility of one who commit suicide is always theirs.

I still believe that suicide isn’t an option because there’s help and treatment possible. Society needs to raise more awareness and talk about it. The number of people commiting suicide needs to be much less. I was afraid to speak up about my anxiety but I’m so glad I did. There shouldn’t be a stigma around mental health illnesses aymore. Every day we are breaking this stigma with talking about it. It’s so important to talk about it, find support and get help. There needs to be help available for people who haven’t much money. Sometimes a treatment can be very expensive and not all people can pay that amount of people. There needs to be organizations who cover those costs so that everyone can get the treatment without any problem. I hope that maybe in the future I can help these people in need. Even though I’m struggling myself I’m always here to help people.

To end this post I want to share something I find so beautiful on the blog of TWLOHA:

Tomorrow needs you.

Tomorrow needs you to be a good friend.
Tomorrow needs you to hold your little sister’s hand.
Tomorrow needs you to be an uncle, a classmate, a roommate, a cousin.
Tomorrow needs you to laugh. To dance. To build. To dream.

Tomorrow needs you to stay for all the things you love.
Your favorite song still needs you to sing.
You still need to hear your child’s voice.
Your favorite film needs you to watch it once again.
Your favorite meal, favorite city, favorite beach, and favorite book.
Your favorite place to watch the sunset.

Won’t you stay to see the sun rise?

Tomorrow needs you to write that novel, record that podcast, share that poem.
Because no one else has your voice.
Because no one else can play your part.

More than anything, tomorrow needs you to love and be loved.
You don’t have to perform or impress or achieve.
You can if you want but tomorrow needs you just to be yourself.
To love the people you love and to be loved by all the ones who love you.

If you need tomorrow to heal and to recover, it’s okay.
If you need ten tomorrows or a hundred or a whole year, it’s okay.
There’s no rush and you won’t have to go alone.

Today is not the day your story ends.
Today is not the day the darkness wins.
Today needs you to know this world needs you.
Today needs you to know that you can say your pain out loud.
Today needs you to know that it’s okay to ask for help.
Today needs you to know that you can get the help you need.

Because tomorrow needs you.

I also want to write my own statement:

Tomorrow needs me because I’m here to help myself and other people.

Tomorrow needs me because my family and friends love me.

Tomorrow needs me to inspire the world with my writing.

You can also make it by yourself. Start by downloading the response card and fill the “Tomorrow needs me because…” prompt. You can share it online and use #WSPD18 and #TomorrowNeedsYou when you share your picture. Don’t forget to tag @twloha on Twitter and Instagram so that they can see it. It’s important to raise our voice and share our story online.

ResponseCard WSPD18LandingPage-CampaignSocial

To all the people suffering right now from mental health issues: please reach out. Don’t be ashamed to admit that you are feeling bad. It isn’t your fault. I know from experience that sometimes I find it hard to open up when I feel bad. It can be a good thing to ask someone how are you and ask them if they are really okay. When good friends or family asked me that and looked me into the eyes I cried because I couldn’t lie again about how I’m feeling. I told them the truth of how I felt. Not every person with a mental illness can reach other so I suggest that we all reach out. When we see someone struggling help them when they can’t help themselves. Let’s make this world a better place with more love, hope, support and understanding 🌍

Always remember mental health is as important as physical health. You don’t have to do it alone. There will always people out there that wants to help you when you are struggling. We have to help each other. You are worth it. Life is though but we are thougher. We can go through it all together. You deserve the help you need. You can do it. You are never alone 💕💫 We are all in this together 💪

youarenotalone

I send you all so much love and light in life 💕💫 ,

xoxo Christina

The girl who appears strong and cries herself to sleep

6 septiembre 2018

Hey lovelies 💕,

I didn’t want to write this sad and negative blog post right now but as you know I always want to be real and 100% honest on my blog I did. I don’t want to fake anything. This is my place where I can be myself without feeling judged. Here I can write all my thoughts and feelings down. It always feels so good to get everything out. Let it all go.

I’m not feeling okay lately. Maybe, I haven’t felt okay for a year now. I’m already one and a half year living in Spain. The first half year I did my internship at the International Relations Office of the University of Valladolid. It was such an amazing time. Even though I also experienced panick attacks and was not coping well with my anxiety during that time. I went to the doctors here in Spain last year and got antidepressants. I’m still taking it for one and a half year just 20 mg each day. One in the morning and one at night. I also got subscriped 1.5 mg of bromazepam which is a benzodiazepine which I took when I felt high anxiety for example when I took my last exam of college in August. I only take that when I feel high anxiety.

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep. I just can’t stop crying 😢. I really have to change my sleep schedule because it’s all messed up. I literally feel like a mess and a failure. I told myself after graduating last year in August that I would chase my dreams and get a job in Spain. I always wanted to live in Spain and I really do. I feel like I’m just a lazy person but I’m really not. During my internship last year I worked really hard and enjoyed it. I learned a lot and had amazing co-workers. It was hard to be get in touch with the working world because I’ve never done an intership or work 35 hours each week. I think it’s also harder for people with a mental illness. I just wish people would understand that and respect that more.

she-comes-off-as-strong-but-maybe-she-fell-asleep-24146767

the-girl-who-laughs-and-talks-a-lot-and-seems-31383053

I feel like a failure right now because I still haven’t a job in Spain. All I have done is nothing. Well, I enjoyed my time here in Spain and went to concerts with my friends, lately I have been reading books again, eat delicious tapas, celebrated birthdays, celebrated new year’s eve, went to the concert of Operación Triunfo in March in Madrid with my friend, went to the swimming pool 13 times this Summer, started this blog, made singing videos again to show the world, wrote poetry, took a lot of pictures, travelled to Granada with my mother in July and went to the wedding of my brother and his wife last month. I also have been feeling more inspired and listened to the postcasts of Yoga Girl which helps me a lot. I still want to go three days to a Surf Camp in Santander in Spain this month. The ocean always cleans my soul and makes me happy.

I’ve done a lot of fun things and I’m grateful for that. I also have done a lot of things which I couldn’t when I was still studying. Maybe, if I still were in college I wouldn’t have made this blog because it takes a lot of time. Maybe it wasn’t the right time then but for me it was. I just need to have a job now. I still live at home but I know that earning money gives you freedom. It’s important. I’m just so anxious about the working world because I’ve never worked only that half year during my internship and one day at a party by a bar. I still remember that day. I did everything wrong well it just felt that way and I always blame myself for everything. Also because one girl got angry at me for doing it wrong.

I talked in my other blog post when I was in Granada that I didn’t feel okay lately. Well, this is the truth. Right now, I’m enjoying the fiestas week of Valladolid which are 10 days of eating delicious tapas and going to concerts. They began on Friday and end this Sunday. It’s a lot of fun. I enjoyes these days with my friend and the concert of Operación Triunfo which is a Spanish talentshow was amazing. I talk about that a lot because I’m such a big fan and music saves lives. It makes me so happy. Then today it hits me again how empty and lost I feel. I was with friends today and I laughed and smiled but I wasn’t happy. They are my real friends and I feel like I even can’t be honest with them 100%. I told them some stuff I bother with but I just didn’t say much about it today. I feel like if I talk about how I feel a failure and feel so anxious for searching for a job I will break into tears. I don’t want to ruin a great moment with my friends.

So there I sat today with my friends feeling strange and sad. In my house and bedroom I can be myself and cry everything out. I’m done with faking how I feel. Today I also met a teacher of a friend and said to her how I felt lost in life. She said I would find a job here in Spain and that she wish me much luck. I love those beautiful compliments from strangers. They make my day. So, I’m going to be 100% honest right now. There are three things which bother me right now and have been for a long time. They aren’t in any order as they are all important to me.

1. I just don’t know where to begin to search for a job

I feel like nobody helps you with this after graduating college. I didn’t do nothing for searching for a job. I did something but not enough I think. I made a new cv and updated it. I have my cv on toplanguages.com. This is a website which searchs for international jobs with languages such as Dutch, Spanish and English. I can speak this three languages almost fluently. Well, my level of English will be high but not as a native speaker. I also have my cv on Spanish websites such as Infojobs.es or my internship website. A company called me once that they wanted an English teacher but I’m not a teacher. My mother answered that call because I was too afraid. When I talked with the man, they already had one person and I felt I missed a chance.

I also got a lot of calls on my phone and on email from companies all over the world like UK, Poland, Malta, Portugal, Ireland and many more. I wrote on my CV that I was looking for a job in Spain but other countries called me. I never aswered any of them back. The one of Portugal is still calling me sometimes. I also think I missed a chance from the one who I really applied. It was a job in Lisbon, in Portugal and was called Teleperformance. I sent my cv and got through the first round that was suppose to be a phone call. I answered the email with that I’m not interested anymore because I was afraid. I wanted to be in Spain but Portugal would be nice too but I didn’t do it. Maybe, I would have passed all the tests. They even offered me an accomodation and a flight for free.

I know there are a lot of jobs in bigger cities than Valladolid in Spain like Madrid or Barcelona. The thing is, we have a home in Valladolid. I know some people in Madrid but haven’t real friends there. I’m afraid to feel alone. I love that city but I don’t know if all of that changes will make me even more anxious and if that will be worth it. In Spain there’s a different system to look for a job than in Holland. Many students after graduating study for a special exam and when they pass that exam they are able to work in the public sector. You can do interviews but that’s only if you want to work in a company in the private sector. Many of these students fail that exam the first time and could be studying for years after graduating without having a job. If I would work in Madrid I also have to earn a lot of money like €1500 or more to be able to afford myself. The salaries in Spain are less than in The Netherlands and I’m pretty much aware of that. However, the costs of living are higher in The Netherlands.

2. I’m also feeling anxious about going to the dentist

Maybe, this fear is even worse than getting a job right now. My father was in August here for the wedding of my brother and was pushing myself again to go to the dentist. He and my mother even made an appointment and I never went. My mother only knows. I just hate that he always push me to do everything I’m anxious about. I have problems in my wisdom teeth. I have a caries in one of them and some are not growing well and sometimes it feels strange. I’m escaping of life. I know this huge fear is consuming me. This week I have been having nightmares that I was in The Netherlands in the hospital to get my wisdom teeth pulled out. I woke up so anxious. In the Netherlands, you have to go to the dentist twice a year. In Spain, people are afraid to go to the dentist and just don’t take care of it. I know it’s important but I’m scared as hell. In The Netherlands it’s way more expensive to get them pulled out and there also less human than here and you have to go to the hospital.

My mother is living in Spain with me right now for a year because she was doing a dental implant. One of her front teeth felt down when she was eating a bread here in Spain. My mother went to the private clinic near to our house, just 5min. away. She said he’s friendly, caring and did it so good without having any pain. She also got antibiotics and other medication afterwards and it was all allright.

I’m just so afraid. My father bought the airplane tickets to The Netherlands on the 26 of September. I don’t want to go. If I don’t go to the dentist here in Spain, I know for sure my father is going to push me in The Netherlands and we will have big fights. I have to go now in Spain and still have time and can do it with my mother. My daddy wants the best for me but I just feel like he doesn’t understand that pushing is not a great way to help me. He would even pay for it which I would be grateful for as I have no incomes. I’m afraid of pain, needles and the unknown. I’m also afraid that the dentist here doesn’t understand my anxiety like the one in The Netherlands who called me childish and said that I was acting as an 15 year old when I had to do a root canal treatment a few years ago. This comment led to a panick attack after that appointment. I should go right before I will experience real pain?! I have to stop escaping everything I fear in my life. If I tell the dentist my anxiety I hope it will be okay. If any of you have any advice how to deal with this I would be forever thankful. Anyone else have anxiety for the dentist?!

3. I’m feeling sad because my father bought the airplane tickets to The Netherlands on the 26 of September which is in three weeks

I just don’t want to go. Even if I would have a job right now, would they accept me to stay here when he bought the tickets and everything is paid? I’m not going to run away from home. My brother did it with 17 years because he couldn’t get along with him. It was a hard time and my father didn’t speak for three years with him. I love my family, I really do. I just feel like they are controlling my life as in where I have to go and what I have to do. Maybe, my parents want to sell their house in the Netherlands. They always speak about that. Of course, then I have to be there and pack my stuff. My father also bought airplane tickets to go back to Spain on the 26 of December to the 9th of January. Again, I would have to go back and I’m just so angry about that. My question is if I would get a job now here in Spain then would I be able to stay here?! I’m also afraid he’s going to push me for searching a job in Holland when I don’t want to live there or will call me bad words which will hurt me for not working.

I’ve never been living for such a long time in Spain. I’m now living in Spain for one year and a half. I went to Holland 3 times to do my last exam last June and in August. The last time I went was with my mother with Christmas. I’ve never been for 9 months in Spain and not going once to Holland. I love Holland too. I was born there. I was born in Haarlem which is a city near to Amsterdam, just 15 minutes away.

I just have always felt more happier in Spain than in The Netherlands. I know that if I’m not happy in myself I can’t be in any country. The thing is that every time I had to go back to home Holland I was always crying and it took me a lot of time to adjust to the lifestyle there. I was always counting the days to go to Spain on holiday again. I also did my exchange in Spain a few years ago. Every time I landed in Spain I was crying from happiness. I love Holland and I miss my good friends and family. Spain has such a special place in my heart ❤❤❤. I love these two countries but my heart always tells me that I want to live and work in Spain. I know it’s more difficult because of the salaries and the system but nothing is impossible, right?! Spain is such a beautiful country. I love the weather, the friendly people, the beautiful landscape, the delicious food and just everything.

These were the points that bother me right now. Everytime I’m telling my dreams someone says that I’m not going to achieve them. I have to tell them I can and will achieve anything I want in life. Always dream big and follow your heart no matter what 💕. Your heart always have the answers. Trust it because it never lies.

Sorry for this rant. I hope it wasn’t too borring or negative to read. I just always want to be 100% honest here. If I can’t be honest all the time in real life then I will be here. Thank you all for reading. Do you have any advice of searching for a job (in Spain), dealing with dentist anxiety or not wanting to go back to Holland? I would appreciate your thoughts and advice so much. Thank you for holding space to me. Writing this made me already feel a bit lighter. It feels great to let things go.

I hope I will be okay and that everything will be allright soon. I love you all so much from the bottom of my heart 💕

Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina

My oldest brother got married 🎉👰💑💍💕💃🎶

29 agosto 2018

Hey lovelies 💕,

In this blog post I will tell you all about the wedding of my brother Rafael with his Spanish girlfriend Verónica which was on the 11th of August. The wedding took place in Fuensaldaña. That’s a little village near to Valladolid. It’s just 15 minutes by car. In this post I will tell you all about the wedding, the good and the bad. I also will share some beautiful pictures I’ve made with the mobile of my mother. I still need to wait for the other pictures of Edward and Elke. My other brother has their own company of wedding photography. They make such beautiful pictures. This is their website if you want to look: Azcona Fotografie. I’m going to make another blog post when I have more pictures of them. Maybe, I will do a photo diary of it.

The night before the wedding (Friday the 10th) Rafael was sleeping in our home with me and my parents. It’s a tradition. Verónica was sleeping at their home with her mother and her brother Jairo. The wedding was in the afternoon Saturday 11th of August. I woke up at 11.00 o’clock and got myself reading to go to the hairdresser which is just 1 min. away from my house. I went to the hairdresser with my mother and my brother Edward was taking pictures of us hahah 😂 Edward and Elke were going to take all the pictures of the wedding. In the meantime, Elke was taking pictures of Verónica in a hairdresser near to her house. It took two hours to get all the curls in my hair. I also got a flower in my hair. My mother took one hour. I never like to be for so long in the hairdresser but I survived lol. Our appointment was at 12.30 and we ended at 2.30. Afterwards, we went home to eat pasta with my parents, Edward and Rafael. Elke was going to eat with the family of Verónica in her home.

It was a delicious meal. I already painted my nails the day before so I was happy that I didn’t had to do that. After eating I did my make up. I always use make up from Kiko because it’s just one of my favourite brands for make up. I used a pink eyeshadow from another brand and the pink lipstick is from Kiko. Everything had to match with my fuchsia dress 💕. I put on my favourite jewelry: white earrings and the dreamcatcher necklace which I bought in the Primark of Madrid in March. I put on my dress and already felt so warm. It was a hot Summer day with 30 degrees. Edward made pictures of me and he made the most pictures of Rafael when he got ready. He really looked so beautiful.

My parents got ready too and at 5 o’clock we were ready to leave by car. Rafael was driving his car and we were on our way to the house of Verónica. He was going to see Verónica for the first time in her beautiful wedding dress and then Edward & Elke were going to make pictures of this special moment. First, we went to a florist to put some flowers on his car. Me and my parents stayed in the car when Rafael saw Verónica for the first time in her hall. It was so hoooot inside the car so I was happy when Rafael came back. It was 5.30 and at 6 o’clock the wedding was going to take place. We were on time in Fuensaldaña. The wedding was going to be in the city hall of this village. Rafael opened the door of the car of Verónica. I talked with my Spanish family and friends of them. It was nice to see them all again after such a long time 😍😍😍

I had to enter the room of the city hall with my brother hand in hand. I was nervous for that moment because I hate to be in the middle of attention. It went really well haha despite the moment before that Rafael said that the rings were still in the car. So, a friend of my brother got them and it was all allright. I entered with my brother and then Verónica followed with my niece Noanne, another girl and her brother Jairo. They took pictures of us and the I sat down on the first row. I didn’t wanted to sit in the row in front of me because I find it strange to see the public like I’m not going to marry so I didn’t want all those eyes looking at me. This moment was were some people irritated me and what was a bad moment of the wedding.

After the ceremony a friend of my brother said to me why I didn’t sat next to my parents. I said that I wanted to sit next to Noanne. She kept talking blablabla. I think she founded it strange but fuck off my brother and Verónica already said to me days before the wedding that I could sit where I want. They know I don’t like to get all the attention. Even the mother of Verónica found it strange but I’m not sorry. I do what feels good for me and for my anxiety…. I’m so done of all the time explaining myself why I don’t do a certain thing. I say no more often and do what feels good to me.

The ceremony was really beautiful even though I like a wedding in a church more to be honest because there’s live music and it feels like you are in a movie haha. There were some great songs here but it was not live music. I didn’t sing on this weddding because they didn’t allow that in the city hall. I sang on the wedding of my other brother Edward. This cerenomy was short, just 45 minutes. Victor, the mayor of Fuensaldaña, was the leader of the cerenomy and married them. There were some beautiful speeches: one of my father, one of a friend of Rafael, one of a friend of Verónica, one of a little girl and one of the brother of Verónica. They light some candles, got the rings on, they said: “Yes I do” and then they gave each other a kiss. Edward and Jairo were the witnesses of the wedding and had to sign a paper. There were beautiful petals on the floor. It was simple but really beautiful. Simple is more.

39083447_10209994731504616_6869001072631873536_n

38933035_10209994732104631_2397365184583696384_n

After the ceremony they went to a balcony and all the guests went outside. We took some pictures of that monent. When they came outside we threw them hearts confetti and blew bubbles. It’s also typical to throw rice in Spain. After that moment, Edward and Elke took family pictures with the newlyweds. Then all the guests were just talking with each other outside and the newlyweds were doing a photoshoot by Edward and Elke in the village in the meantime. We had to wait from 7 o’clock till 8.30 to enter the restaurant where we were going to have the delicious dinner. I also took some pictures and one polaroid picture with my mother when everyone went away. At 8.30 we could enter the restaurant and we could have a drink. We sat in the cafe of the restaurant and already got some food: some little delicious tapas. I don’t like the fish so I didn’t eat that haha. I ate some tapas with meat, one with tomato and cheese and an empanada. It was really all so delicious. I also didn’t want to eat so much because dinner was going to be so much food.

39017549_10209994732504641_4620821297901862912_n

39400771_10210021882423372_8930501670094241792_o

39102590_10209994733224659_3821697440835174400_n

At 9.30 Rafael and Verónica entered the restaurant and we applaused. Then Elke, the wife of Edward came to talk with me and said: “How are you?” and she just wanted to talk and looked in my eyes. I began to cry really hard because I was fed up to appear strong when I felt bad and anxious sometimes. I didn’t want to appear strong when I felt weak. I was fed up of faking that I was happy. I was happy at that special wedding day but also didn’t look forward to all questions about my life…. I told her how I felt lost in life and that I want to live and work in Spain. She said if I want to live with my parents or just be in Spain. I love to be with my parents but I really want to live here forever. My parents are also thinking of maybe selling their home in The Netherlands but it all takes time. It was a great talk and I really loved to talk with her. She’s said that everything will be allright. She’s always so caring and lovely. She really cares about me. Edward my brother saw me crying and Jairo the brother of Verónica too and said awhh you make me cry too. I felt loved and not alone and that was a great feeling. Sometimes it’s so good to let everything out. I felt better aferwards. Sometimes all you need is a good cry.

After that moment, all guests went upstairs to the restaurant and we all had to sit by a certain round table. I was sitting with all people I knew, my parents, Edward, Elke, friends of Rafael and other people. It was really nice. We got three plates and in between we got alcohol. I only tasted a bit of the wine before dinner because I don’t want to drink while taking antidepressants. I also don’t drink alcohol anymore just a few sips hahah 😂 The bread was delicious. The first plate was avocado salad with fish. I didn’t ate the fish😅 After this plate we got a drink which was called sorbete de passión, it was a drink with alcohol and tasted really sweet and well. This drink was to change the flavour in our month. Then we got the big plate which was meat: solomillo with champignons. It was allright but I don’t like to eat so much meat so I didn’t eat everything just enough. I feel full easily. The drink after this plate was champagne but it was really bitter so I only drank a few sips.

38934601_10209994734264685_2845843268745297920_n

38928959_10209994733784673_8882196379074560000_n

I gave all the drank to my mother hahah. During the dinner, Rafael and Verónica came to our table and other tables sometimes to just chat a bit. They were placed in an apart table far away from us. Almost at the end of the dinner I gave the guests a present. The children got sweets and Verónica said I could also get one. It was a pack full of all sweets, chips and delicious stuff. The men got a beer opener in the form of a bike which is typical in The Netherlands. The women got a bookmark in the form of an owl which is the favourite animal of Verónica. She has everything of owls in her home. It was nice to gave these presents to the guests. Afterwards, it was time for the most delicious plate: dessert time. Rafael and Verónica cut the pie. It was a delicious chocolate pie with vanilla ice cream. I really loved it so much. After the dessert we got a chupito which is a shot and I got one of apple without alcohol and tea which was really nice. The dinner began at 10.00 and ended at 00.30.

39100376_10209994735064705_3917634962844549120_n

39085291_10209994734584693_8984341507511156736_n

After dinner we went all to the ballroom which was downstairs to dance all night long. Rafael and Verónica did the first dance which was a salsa dance. My brother takes salsa lessons and can dance very well. Verónica also dances salsa. It was a beautiful dance. After that dance they danced a slow dance. Then all the guests were dancing on Spanish music and I also said to the DJ to put the song “Het is een nacht” on. It’s a dutch song which I like. I also danced like crazy on the song “Lo malo” from Aitana and Ana from the Spanish talentshow Operación Triunfo. I like that so much. Then again the friend of my brother came to me (the same one who said that I had to sit next to my parents in the ceremony) and said why don’t you dance, come on dance with us. I like to dance but I was also tired so leave me alone please. Then, this woman went dancing and left me in peace. I danced till 3 o’clock. Me and my mother were getting tired. Some family of Verónica said don’t go, stay longer. Well, no is no. The party ended for us. A friend of my brother brought us home and I slept at 5 o’clock in the morning. When I got home I had to do my make up away and everything which took a lot of time.

I was supposed to go eating the next day in a hotel near to my house with the family but I didn’t go. I felt anxious and cried that night and was just so tired. I had stomach aches and I said I didn’t go. My father later at home said that I have borderline and I was like no but I didn’t say anything. He didn’t seem to understand that the night before I was happy and dancing at the wedding and on Sunday I felt bad. I know that my feelings are true and I don’t need to give anyone any explanation. If they don’t believe it, they don’t. I don’t have borderline. I think it’s rude to say that as a joke. I just don’t know why people say those things out of the blue. It can hurt someone especially someone who is really going through that. I’m also happy that I didn’t go to that eating the next day after the wedding because my Spanish aunt wasn’t feeling good and felt dizzy. She’s now okay again but all the wedding stuff was so tiring.

Thank you all for reading this loooooong blog post. I hope you all liked it. I just always want to be honest about how I experience something, the good and the bad. Did you like the pictures? Do you also love weddings as much as I do? Do you also feel fed up with giving an explanation to someone? What would you do in such a situation? I would love to know your thoughts. I speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

Summer OOTD: green floral jumpsuit 🌞👗💚🍃

25 agosto 2018

Hey lovelies 💕,

Today I just want to share a little blog post before I share with you the big wedding blog post. That takes more time haha 😂 with all the pictures that I want to share and all the things I have to tell. Today I went for the 11th day to the swimming pool with my mother this Summer 💕🏊🌞✨ We had a great time and even swam when it was raining a bit. Not a few rain drops are going to stop us from swimming.

06b266be072a547432848787feb3d090--words-quotes-sayings 40018175_10210057405431425_6288948537963053056_o

Floral Jumpsuit: from the big shop in Spain called El Corté Ingles. It was on sale when I bought it. I just waited to buy it hahah. First it was €26 but on sales it was €13.

I love my green floral jumpsuit ❤️👌 I never had one before. It’s always great to wear new clothes. I’m also matching with the grass yasss I’m one with nature always 😂🍀🍃 When I bought it I already knew that my mother had to sew it. She sewed it and now I fit better in it.

a-cute-outfit-can-really-make-your-day-if-i-wear-something-i-look-good-in-my-mood-just-goes-way-up-quote-1.jpg

Thank you all for reading this short blog post. I’m always used to write long blog post so it’s nice also to share something short. Did you like my green floral jumpsuit? Do you also love to wear a jumpsuit?

Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina

Singing cover: Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran 🎶💕🎤

19 agosto 2018

Hey lovely bloggers 💕,

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments in my last blog post. I’m so happy you all like my blog so much. I’m so happy with the endless support I get from you all. It really means the world to me 😍 I will keep continue creating and writing content. I will also try to write about new things. To celebrate my 1 year of blogging I will share in this blog post my first singing cover. In another blog post in the future I will tell you more about my love for singing and more covers. I even am thinking of making a Youtube channel to share there covers aswell as on my blog but I’m a bit nervous about that. I don’t know if I will do that. I’m not a professional singer. I just love singing so much. I just still feel awkward recording me videos hahah 😂.

I sing all my life. I sang in a choir for 11 years in The Netherlands and really loved it. Singing is really one of my biggest passions. Singing is so calming and music just makes me so happy. Music is life ❤. In this blog post I will share a cover of “Supermarket flowers” by Ed Sheeran. I already shared the cover on my Instagram for my blog. The lyrics is so beautiful. I especially love the sentence: “A heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved.”

This is such a beautiful and emotional song and one of my favourites of Ed Sheeran. I’m a fan of Ed Sheeran for so many years and I saw him singing live one day when he came as surprise act at the concert of Passenger. I can’t wait to go to a concert of him alone too. This song is about his grandmother who passed away. This song is for all the people who have lost someone. Your loved one is an angel and will live forever in your heart. I’m here for you all 🙏💕🌸

You can watch my cover here below:

View this post on Instagram

Cover – Supermarket flowers by @teddysphotos 🎶 Beautiful lyrics: A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved ❤️ . I celebrate my first year blogging with this song. This is such a beautiful and emotional song and one of my favourites of Ed Sheeran. This song was about his grandmother who passed away. This song is for all people who have lost someone. Your loved one is an angel and will forever live in your heart. I'm here for you all ❤️🙏

A post shared by Sea of words 🌊 (@seaofwordsblog) on Aug 18, 2018 at 11:26am PDT

Thank you all for reading. I like to share new things on my blog. Did you like my cover? Would you want that I share more singing covers on my blog/youtube? Let me know 😄 I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love,

xoxo Christina

One year blogging anniversary 🎉🎂🎁🎈💕

17 agosto 2018

Hey lovely bloggers 💕,

Before I write a blog post about the wedding of my brother which was last Saturday (11-8-2018). I also have to wait to get the pictures of my brother. Today I want to write a blog post about achieving a blogging milestone: my 1 year blogging anniversary 🎉💕. Today my blog post turned one year. I’m so happy my blog turned one year. I’m so blessed to achieve this blogging milestone. In this blog post I also am going to share some statistics of my blog, reasons why I love WordPress so much and some future plans for my blog in the future.

I’m so happy I began this blog on WordPress just a year ago. I was always thinking if it would be worth it and if anybody would ever read it. I didn’t know that my blog was able to grow. I’m thankful for my 212 followers. I don’t care that much about the numbers but of course it makes me happy that more and more people are following my blog. What I love the most about blogging is interacting with people. I developed beautiful friendships which I value a lot ❤. I never knew blogging would be so much fun. I already had a blog before on Tumblr and interacted with people but then my site got deleted. It was really sad because I had 2000 followers on there. I have a new Tumblr blog. My tumblr blog is more to get inspiration, share pictures from others and find beautiful quotes.

What I love about WordPress is that awesome blogging community. I also found it on Tumblr but sometimes people on there were really negative and depressed and glamorizing mental illnesses. I really don’t like that. On WordPress I feel everyone is more real, honest and able to be vulnerable. I really love that so much. I love that people are able to share the good and the bad in life. This is also the reason why you develop friendships on WordPress. Whenever I read a blog post I feel really connected to that person and can look into their mind. It feels like they’re talking to me. That real connection is just so beautiful.

I also love that I can be myself without feeling judged. You all are so kind, caring and beautiful people. I never knew I would find such amazing people on the internet. I’m happy to be also part of the mental health community on Instagram and here on my blog. It’s great that we have each other back. We are all in this together. I can write about anything on my blog and I love that I’m not afraid to share the good and also the bad in my life. I share a lot about living with an anxiety disorder and how it affects my life. It’s great to know that I’m not the only one going through this mental illness. Sometimes people don’t understand me in real life but here they understand me and respect me. I wish people would do that more in real life too. It’s just so important to know good people who respect you, understand you and care about you.

Internet friends are real friends 💕 How many times have my parents warned me for the dangerous side of internet when I was little. Of course, I know that there are dangers of internet and you have to be careful when you meet someone you’ve met on the internet. I just truly believe that internet friends are real friends even though you don’t see them or can’t talk face to face with them. You can read their inner thoughts and feel their feelings. You can create a real connection. That’s what for me is a real friendship. I really can’t wait to meet you all one day. I guess you all are even more awesome in real life. I also would love to travel with you all, go on adventure, take pictures, tell each other our secrets and just have fun together.

I’m going to share with you now some blog statistics from this year. I hope you don’t find this statistics too borring haha 😂. I found it interesting to share some of them and look back after this one year of blogging.

Followers: 212

Blog posts: 94 (almost 100 posts whoehoe)

Vistants: 1.745

Views: 3.982

Best day: August the 16th (the day I made this blog!)

Day most popular: Friday (28%)

Hour most popular: 3:00 (Night owls or my followers who live in a different timezone than me) (8%)

Some of my blog posts who were the most popular and got the most views were:

How being bullied in high school caused me anxiety(56 views)

I’m not good enough 💭 (61 views)

10 life lessons learned in 2017 (78 views)

10 self care tips💞🌠(99 views)

Do you think it’s possible that some people are born to give more love than they will ever get back in return? 💕 (130 views)

Top 10 countries that visited my blog:

1. United States (635 views)

2. United Kingdom (384 views)

3. Spain (274 views which includes me when I check my blog haha 😂)

4. India (231 views)

5. Canada (174 views)

6. Poland (93 views)

7. Ireland (88 views)

8. Australia (79 views)

9. Netherlands (47 views)

10. Italy (37 views)

I learned a lot of blogging this year. I still don’t know everything of WordPress but every day you learn something new. So, I will take it slowly. I still want to improve my theme. Maybe, I also would to go self-hosted on WordPress. As I read the blog post of Mia I now know the cons and pros of going self-hosted so I would prefer to do it via WordPress. I would not like that nobody can read my blogs again in the reader or encounter other problems. I also would like to share some new things on my blog as book reviews, movie reviews, poems written by me, singing covers (maybe making a Youtube channel but it makes me nervous haha) travel posts, surf adventures, photography and do some blog colloberations. I want to be more creative and share more of the things I love to do. Of course, I will also keep writing about some of my main topics on my blog which are: lifestyle ❤, self-love 💕, mental health 💪, feminism 👭 & wanderlust 🌍.

I’m going to continue to keep blogging for my whole life. I know blogging is also hard work too. I have had times where I didn’t feel like blogging and then I didn’t blog for a few weeks. I felt guilty and bad afterwards because I don’t want to neglect it. Now, I know that’s okay. I don’t have a blogging schedule and I just love to write and share when I feel inspired. I don’t want to feel like I have to do it because otherwise it’s not that much fun. For now, blogging is just a hobby. Who knows, maybe in the future it could be my job too. We’ll see what the future brings.

I hope you all liked this blog post. What do you like about my blog? What kind of posts would you like that I write about? Do you also think internet friends are real friends? I would love to know suggestions and your opinion. I’m always happy to improve my blog and I will keep writing interesting blog posts. I hope you all are going to continue this crazy adventure called life with me 💕. Thank you for your beautiful friendship and for always holding space for me. You all mean the world to me.

I love you all so much 😍😍😍,

xoxo Christina

Surf/beach playlist 🌊🎶🌴🌞

12 agosto 2018

Hey lovely bloggers 💕,

I have some great Summer blog posts ready for you this Summer. I already shared some. Today I would like to share with you all a surf/beach playlist for the Summer time. I can’t wait to go to the beach again this Summer as I only went one day. I think I’m going to a surf camp at the end of August. This Saturday is the wedding of my brother so I can’t wait to relax at the beach at the end of this month. I love all of these songs so much. These songs are not in any rank. I love them all equally so much. I hope you like them too.

Ed Sheeran – I see fire (Kygo remix)

I love this remix so much. I already love the original song from Ed Sheeran so much but this remix is just soooo beautiful. I remember that I found this remix just searching one day on Youtube. La belle Musique makes beautiful remixes. Whenever I listen to this song, I feel so relaxed and happy. The melody and the sound is really out of the world 😍 I saw Ed Sheeran once during a concert of Passenger where he came as a surprise to sing one song. I can’t wait to go to one of his concerts. He’s definitely one of my favourite artists ever.

Bob Marley – Is this love (Montmarte remix)

This is definitely one of my favourites songs ever. I listened to this song one day when I was on a surfcamp in Suances, in the north of Spain. I always listened to this song and find myself in that surfing mood. Bob Marley is just heaven on earth ❤. I love all his songs so much. This is my favourite remix of this song. It’s so beautiful and have such a relaxing sound!

Corona Extra: A journey by Taylor Steele – From where you’d rather be

I always listen to this song when I’m travelling. I listen to this when I’m on the airplane, bus or train. This song and also the videoclip is so beautiful. I definitely get that surf vibes 🏄 I forget the whole world around me when I listen to this song. When I listen to this song I think of travelling the whole world and leaving everything behind me. This song gives me that feeling of freedom and wanderlust. I will never stop travelling because travelling makes you life richer.

“Take a break from this world
and we’ll feel miles away from the places that we used to be

as we lay in the sand and we stare at the sky
watch the moon dance in white as the stars light your eyes
oh my there’s no place on earth I’d rather be”

Xavier Rudd – Follow the sun

Xavier Rudd makes lovely music. This song is one of my favourites. The lyrics is beautiful and the melody and sound too. It makes me feel so peaceful. Whenever I listen to this song I feel definitely in the Summer mood. I will always follow the sun. This song is about cherishing the little moments in life 🌞

“So follow, follow the sun,
The direction of the bird,
The direction of love
Breathe, breathe in the air,
Cherish this moment,
Cherish this breath
Tomorrow is a new day for everyone,
Brand new moon, brand new sun”

Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole – Somewhere over the rainbow

This song is also one of my favourite songs ever. The melody, the sound and the lyrics is just perfect. I also love the singer so much. The singer died on a young age, just 38 years old because of obesitas. It’s such a sad story. I listen to this song so much and especially during Summer. It’s such a relaxing song 🌈

“And I think to myself what a wonderful world”

HONNE – Coastal love

I remember that I found this song on a list of Spotify of surf music. I love to find music just randomly. I love HONNE. They make so beautiful music. This song is perfect for a day on the beach. I get that surf and beach vibes 🌊

Crystal Fighters – Plage

Crystal Fighters is one of my favourite bands ever. It’s a band of electro, folk and indie. This is a Spanish/English band. The band’s origin is Navarra in the north of Spain and now they’re located in London. They also have a lot of concerts in Spain. I really want to go one. This song is such a great song for beach time in the Summer. It’s perfect and make me so happy. I also love the arty video clip.

Crystal Fighters – Love natural

I love this song of Crystal Fighters so much too 💕. I heard it a lot when I went to a surf camp in Spain a few years ago. This song makes me so happy and the video is also beautiful. I get the melody of this song so fast in my mind. I love this genre of music so much.

The Vaccines – Wetsuit

This song means so much to me as I always listen to it when I’m going to surf. I’m still a beginner surfer but I really enjoy to be in the ocean and enjoy the waves. I can stand on the surf board but I still have to practice a lot to actually ride waves. This song is so awesome and I love the Instagram video. I saw The Vaccines once in a concert in Amsterdam, The Netherlands and it was really awesome. There was even a person who wore a wetsuit during that concert, haha so funny!

Drums – Let’s go surfing

This is again a song which I love to listen before I go surfing. I get that surfing vibes. The melody is upbeat and is really nice. I also find it funny that in the video you just see the guy running instead of surfing.

“Wake up, it’s a beautiful morning honey, while the stars are still shining
Wake up, would you like to go with me
Honey, take a run down to the beach
Oh momma, I wanna go surfin”

Mr. Probz – Waves (Robin Schulz remix radio edit)

OMGGGG THIS SONG ASDFGHJKJL I JUST EVERYTHING 😍😍😍 I love it so much. I also especially love this remix of this song. It’s just so beautiful, relaxing and calming. I also loved the video so much because you can see the ocean and the waves. I don’t need more to feel real happiness in my heart.

Mandelbarth – Palmtree

This is such a great Summer song. I like the lyics and the sound. I found this song on a Youtube playlist of Mr. Revillz who has beautiful songs 🌴🌞

“Under the palm trees is where we dance tonight
Back then it felt like a roller coaster ride
Oh! Under the palm trees, where I found my love”

DJ Antoine with James Gruntz – Song to the sea

Okay, so this is still one of my favourite songs ever. I will tell you a short story about this song. This one of my ex’s favourite songs too. It’s because of him I know this song. I always listened to this song with him. It was for me so difficult to listen to this song and not remind myself of him and our time together. I always ended up crying listening to this song. Now, I’m happy I can listen to this song again without crying and just feeling happy. I think it’s important to be able to listen to your favourite songs even though when it remind you of that person. I love the original song but this colloboration is just perfect. My ex was Swish and DJ Antoine is a Swiss house, electro DJ and producer from Basel. The lyrics is so beautiful and remind me of Summer time and how much I love to be young, wild & free ✌

“I beg you, raise your water to the feet of mine
So I can dip my toes, remember what it’s like
Just feeling free and having all the time I need
This is why I sing a song to the sea”

Vance Joy – Riptide

I always listened to this song on a surf camp. I love this song really so much. I also love the video because the video just relate so much to the lyrics. I also read on Youtube that the meaning of the song was that a girl was kidnapped and that the person made her sing this song but if she sang it wrong they would hurt her hence why her make up was smudged through the video. I first didn’t understand the video so I had to read the comments. I’m always late to get things hahah xD I think it’s such a deepful meaning behind this song. I’m also scared of dentists and the dark so I can really late to this song.

I hope you all liked this surf/beach playlist. Which one is your favourite song? Can you relate to my playlist? If you have any songs to add to this playlist let me know. I would love to know your thoughts and I always love to discover new music. Music is life 🎶😍

Much love ❤,

xoxo Christina

The differences between everyday anxiety and an anxiety disorder

5 agosto 2018

Hey lovely bloggers 💕,

Today I want to write again about a mental health topic. As you all know I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I think it’s important to write about this issue. Today I’m going to talk about the differences of every day anxiety and having an anxiety disorder. I’m not a doctor or working in the mental health sector. This is just based on my own experience of having an anxiety disorder.

This picture is from Google. I think it definitely explains really well the differences between every day anxiety and having an anxiety disorder. It’s a good way to understand the differences. Of course, if you want to get a real diagnosis you need to go to a doctor. All my life I thought that I just nervous and that it wasn’t a real illness. However, deep in my heart I knew that my anxiety wasn’t okay. Being nervous and actually having an anxiety disorder is much more than just being having a bit of nerves. Every one experience stress or anxiety in their lives. It can be stress or feeling nerves to do an exam or to give a presentation. An anxiety disorder is much more than just being worried about every day life. An anxiety disorder is constantly worrying which don’t let you live a normal life. It seems like you can’t go on with your life because your anxiety is in the way. If you can’t seem to let your anxieties go, you may have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is a real mental illness.

If I fear a social situation or a situation that makes me uncomfortable than I would rather run away from it and avoid it. Having an anxiety disorder makes me avoid many times situations. For example, I fear going to the dentist and and up not going but I know I have to go. This will only increase my anxiety and make it worse. Avoidance isn’t working but is caused because of my anxiety disorder. It’s really hard to go through life and wanting to avoid everything which makes me anxious. I know overcoming a fear will be worth it and eventually I would think that it wasn’t that scarry. I still avoid situation that makes me anxious. I’ve learnt to overcome some of them but I’m still in the process which is hard.

Also having panic attacks on the regular basis may be also a sign of having an anxiety disorder. Panick attacks are really the worst thing ever. I’m glad it’s such a long time ago that I had one but I still remember how awful it feels. I think it was months ago that I experienced one. I know of one panick attack that happened in my home city Valladolid, in Spain almost two years ago. I was alone in the busy shopping street and felt like crying, felt dizzy, my heart was beating fast, felt so anxious and was afraid to not get to home safe as I was afraid of falling down because of feeling so dizzy and strange. I came home crying but I was safe. I just wanted to get to home safe and sound. I remember that it took me so time to understand that just because it happened doesn’t mean it will happen again. The thing with panic attacks is that you fear to have another one and that makes it really scarry. After that happened I was afraid to walk through that street again because it reminded me of the bad time. Now, I overcame that fear and I can walk through that street normally.

I also remember another time I had a panick attack which was in August last Summer the night before my exam. It was the last exam I had to take to graduate my studies. In June I made the same exam about law and failed for 0.5 point. It made me feel so anxious and emotional. I just wanted to graduate. I was afraid I would never graduate. The night before I had to take the exam again in August I had a panick attack. I felt so anxious, naouseous, dizzy, my body shaking, feeling my heart beating fast again, feeling cold and warm at the same time and crying. I slept only a few hours and also ended up in the bed of my mother. Fortunately she was there for me. I also took a 1.5 mg of bromazepam which is a benzodiazepine that helps to beat my anxiety. It definitely calmed myself down and I could sleep a few hours before my exam. At the end, my exam went so well and I got as a mark an 8 and could graduate.

I think one of the worst things of having an anxiety disorder is just the fear that you are going to die or like you go completely crazy. I know I will not die but feeling like you breath fast and feeling dizzy make you feel that way. I always get scared when I feel that way because I fear to have another panic attack. I’m glad I didn’t have one since months ago but I still fear that. It’s a horrible thing to experience. I hope nobody who’s reading this have to experience this. If you have experience this, I hope you are feeling better right now. I’m always here for anyone who wants to talk with me. I’m not a professional doctor but I will be there for you ❤️🙏

All these thoughts of thinking that like you are going to fail an exam, feeling that you are going to die or thinking that you aren’t good enough are irrational thoughts. They aren’t real. You just believe them and that will at the end make you feel bad about yourself. If you say to yourself every day that you aren’t worth it, sooner or later you are going to believe it. These thoughts turn into feelings. You are also going to feel you aren’t worth it and that will turn into actions. You are going to neglect yourself as for example not drinking enough water or not eating well. I’m learning not to believe those irrational thoughts but it’s really hard. I just hate all those thoughts and feelings I have when I feel anxiety. I know many of the situations I fear don’t cause me any danger but my mind thinks different because it’s sick.

It’s normal to feel anxious and have rational thoughts when you are in life danger such as when you have an accident. Feeling so much anxiety for example for an presentation and feel like you are going to mess up isn’t that realistic. You learned enough and just do your best. That’s really enough. It’s just your mind that makes you think all these negative thoughts about yourself which you believe. A good way to replace these irrational thoughts is with rational thoughts. Ask yourself if your thoughts are realistic or if it’s your mind that’s playing a game with you.

Also having nightmares and having constantly flashbacks about a traumatic event can be a sign of having an anxiety disorder. If something traumatic happened in your life and you just can’t seem to let it go it would be a good idea to ask for help and get professional help. I remember that I had bad dreams of being bullied again and was experiencing it again in my dream. I’m glad I could talk about it during some counselling sessions a few years ago. I realized it wasn’t my fault that I got bullied of course and that those people were just mean. I have and always have been enough. I’m glad I don’t have those bad dreams anymore.

I still take antidepressants since one year and a half. It’s just 20 mg but definitely helps. I still have to learn to live with anxiety my whole life. I also take a benzo when I feel high anxiety. I hope you all liked this blog post. I hope I explained the differences between every day anxiety and actually having an anxiety disorder well. I’m not a doctor. This is all just based on my own experience. Do you also have an anxiety disorder and can relate to it? Did you ever experience a panic attack? Do you get help? I would love to know your thoughts and opinion about it. I would also love to help anyone who feels bad or is struggling right now. I will always be here for you all ❤️

I love you all so much 💕,

xoxo Christina

My trip to Granada 💕🌞🌴🌊🏄😎

2 agosto 2018

Hey lovelies 💕,

I just want to thank you all for your sweet messages on my last blog post. It feels so good to write about my feelings and thoughts whether they are positive or negative. Let everything go. This blog post will be my travel blog post about Granada where I went last week with my mother. I hope you all are going to like it. I will share what I did, pictures which I made and some food what I’ve eaten. This will be my first travel blog post as I’ve never done one before. My other blog post about Granada will be about all the nice stuff I bought in Granada: shopping haul yeahhh. This is going to be a long blog post so I warn you already.

First day – Tuesday 24th of July

The first day of my trip was a travel day. From Valladolid to Granada it’s 7 hours by bus and one hour waiting in the bus station of Madrid. It’s 610 km. so far away! Granada is a city in the south of Spain, in Andalucia. The bus trip went well. I enjoyed listening to music, scrolling on social media haha, and I watched a movie in the bus. We had our own screen to watch movies, listen to music, play games and so many more things. I watched the movie Inside Out from Disney Pixar. I really love these movies so much. It was such a beautiful movie which reminds me that in life you have to feel sadness to also enjoy happiness in life. I enjoyed eating bread with tortilla which is typical in Spain and I ate an empanada of chicken. I also took some meds to not be naouseous in the bus.

37721607_10209882522019449_5616010051253698560_o

We took the bus at 12.30 from Valladolid. At 3 o’clock we were at the bus station in Madrid. There we waited for one hour. At 4 o’clock the bus left and we were at 8.30 in the bus station in Granada. My friend Antonio was waiting there for us. He brought us by tram and bus to our hotel. The only thing what was bad in the hotel was that we had one bed for me and my mother. I did the booking on internet via Booking.com and clicked the option two single beds. I told it at the reception but they told us that they only had one room with two single beds and that is was full. It didn’t matter. I made a bed on the ground with quilt and pillows and my mother wanted to sleep there. I slept in the other bed. We slept great without any problems. We could have another bed in the room but it would be €15 each night so better not.

We arrived at 9.30 in the hotel. Afterwards, we went for dinner at 11.00 o’clock. We ate some delicious tapas in a place which I love a lot. We ate bread with chicken, salad and bread with jamon serrano and melon. We also drank grape juice which is called mosto. I was really so hungry. We also went to a pizzeria and got a slice of pizza and ate it on a bench in the city centre. Afterwards, we went to the hotel and prepared some things for the trip to the beach next day.

38193546_1130262073794647_3674837133002014720_n

Second day – Wednesday 25th of July

We woke up and got breakfast in the bar Gerado just next to our hotel. In our hotel we didn’t have a restaurant or a bar. We ate bread with jamon serrano and a mosto. Afterwards, we bought a bus card to use during this trip. We walked down the street where there were so many arabic shops with mosaic lamps, mosaic patern, hippie clothes and stuff. I love that street so much. It feels like you are in Marroco. Hippie vibes everywhere yeahhh ❤✌ Also the owners of these shops aren’t Spanish. I bought some stuff which you will see in my next blog post. It was really hot outside, like 35 degrees which make us walk slowly. We also went to a view point which is called Carvajales. Granada has so many great view points where you can see the beautiful palace La Alhambra. We made some pictures and walked down the streets.

38020913_1130261983794656_2174913254772441088_n

At 4 o’clock it was time to eat. Normally, we eat a bit earlier in Spain. My mother ate a ham and cheese crepe and a tinto de verano which is wine. I drank mosto and ate a menu which consisted of gazpacho andaluz (typical cold Spanish soup), albondigas (meat balls) with vegetables and watermelon. My menu was just €12.50 and also include the drink and bread. I love eating in Spain because it’s so cheap. My mother also ate from my menu. We enjoyed eating in restaurant Las Cuevas just at the end of the street Calderia Nueva where the hippie shops are.

37898296_10209906838667350_7429826202652639232_n

37987992_1130261473794707_1990293527208132608_n

37977764_1130261870461334_2323763940644880384_n

After finishing eating we went to the hotel to rest, take a siesta and pack our things to go to the beach. At 7 o’clock in the afternoon we left the hotel and went to the bus stop to take the bus to the station and then walked to the house of Antonio. He would bring us to the beach by car. At the bus stop we met a lovely girl from Alicanta who’s name is also Cristina without the h and is 25 years old just like me. She’s working in the mountain Sierra Nevada in Granada and is researching the water there which is really interesting. She brought us with the help of Google Maps to the house of Antonio. I got here Facebook. I love to make friends. It took us one hour by car to go to his appartment in La Rábita where the beach is. His parents were already at the beach.

As soon as we got there I wore my bikini to go to the beach. I felt bad during that moment at the beach which I told in my last blog post: Feeling that I’m not honest I cried and when I woke up the next day, I felt much better than before. I also got tummy pain before so I knew my period was coming soon. It was going to come on Friday. We wanted to swim in the beach but we couldn’t because there were jelly-fishes in the sea. We saw a beautiful sunset on the beach. I didn’t want to get bitten so we just enjoyed the beach at night. At 11 o’clock we went to his appartment and eat all together (Antonio, his parents and my mother). His parents made delicious salad with vegetables, potatoes and chicken and watermelon and melon. The dinner was delicious and afterwards we went to bed. I sleep every night like at 3 o’clock or 4 o’clock because it’s so hot that I can’t sleep.

Third day – Thursday 26th of July

We woke up and got a delicious breakfast with the mother of Antonio and my mother. Antonio and his father were already at the beach. We drank tea and ate bread with strawberry mermalade and watermelon. I’m so addicted to watermelon. I love it. After breakfeast I wore my bikini from O’Neill which is my favourite bikini and the material is from surfing wetsuits. It’s for surfing too but I prefer to surf with a wetsuit. We swam in the sea and stayed on the beach from 12 o’clock till 2.30 in the afternoon. It was so great to swim in the ocean after one year not going. I only swim in the sea when it’s Summer time. I really missed it so much. I didn’t see any jelly-fishes so it was fine.

After swimming we went to his appartment to change our clothes to go to eat in a restaurant called ELCOLAS near to the beach. Last Summer, we ate here too with his family. I loved the menu because it wasn’t that much food. Sometimes I struggle with eating so much which makes me naouseous. There was a lot of food to choose from. My first plate was gazpacho, second plate was two chicken skewers with salad and potatoes and as dessert I got again watermelon haha. It was all so delicious. We had a great time.

37839774_10209896862937963_3510495273187016704_o

37893709_10209906836547297_1822833246258331648_n

We went to their appartment at 4.30 in the afternoon to rest and take a siesta. This is really typical in Spain. I really enjoy that a lot because it’s also too hot outside during Summer. At 6 o’clock we got up and we went to the beach again. I love to swim in the sea at that time because the water is even warmer than before and it’s not that hot outside. I love the Mediterranean Sea so much. It’s not that cold as the Atlantic Ocean. We stayed at the beach until 8.30 in the afternoon, swam in the sea and took some awesome pictures. We packed all our stuff in their appartment and had dinner. Antonio brought my mother and I again back by car to our hotel in Granada. He went home and we went to our hotel. We stayed in because we were so tired. I also had to shower and unpack our stuff. The beach makes me always so tired. The salt water definitely cleans my soul. It was such a great and happy day at the beach. I enjoyed it a lot! 😄🌊💕✌🌴🌞

Fourth day – Friday 27th of July

This was the last day in Granada because on Saturday we would have just a little bit of time left before we went home. We got up and got breakfast in Bar Gerardo. My mother ate bread with mermalade and butter and I ate bread with tomato and oil. We both drank tea. It was delicious and just for €2.50 each other so both €5. After breakfast we went to our hotel to pack some stuff and walked at the centre. At 3 o’clock we went to eat again, haha Spanish time. In Spain we always eat like the big meal during that time of the day. In The Netherlands dinner at 6 o’clock is the big meal. In Granada it’s famous to order a drink like mosto, water or wine and get a free tapa. We ate at the restaurant beauty and the beast. My mother drank wine and I drank mosto and we got a free tapa which was bread with ham and potatoes. It was really so delicious. That tapa was free but we ordered also a great salad with apple, chicken, cheese and everything.

38029016_1130261397128048_904500450177318912_n (1)

38143533_1130260270461494_6684338756171857920_n

37985186_1130260600461461_8958981104312778752_n

We went to our hotel after eating until 7 o’clock. It was also really hot outside to do anything and I just got my period today. When I get my period I feel grumpy, have painfully cramps and I’m so tired and so dizzy so it was important to rest in our hotel room. It made sense that I felt emotional and had cramps the days before. In Spain the shops are open from the morning till 2 o’clock. Then they close and open at 5/6 o’clock until 9/10 o’clock. I really like that. In The Netherlands they are open from the morning till 5 or 6 o’clock in the afternoon. I like to shop at night. In Spain they call it afternoon until 8 o’clock hahah 😂. I even felt a bit asleep and my mother too. Siesta time was great.

We went to the city centre and walked again around the hippie shops and bought more stuff. We walked to the view point of San Nicolás. It was still a bit hot outside and the streets in Granada are not flat which takes a lot of energy. I liked that we could ask people and they were always friendly to help us find the way to the view point. We stayed the whole time at the mirador of San Nicolás till 9 o’clock and even saw a beautiful sunset. There were so many people so it was sometimes difficult to take a great picture. I have made some awesome pictures. From that point you can see the beautiful palace Alhambra where we went last year and also the mountain Sierra Nevada which has no snow right now. It’s such a beautiful view over the city Granada.

This was my third time in Granada and the first time I already went to this view point. There were many people because they were waiting for the moon eclipse. I didn’t care that much because many times you almost don’t see anything. My friend Antonio texted me and asked where we were. I told him and we met him at the end of the street of hippie shops. We went to a great restaurant which is called Los Manueles. We ordererd water and a mosto and got a free tapa which was meat. We also ordered a salad and a french tortilla with potatoes. It was all so delicious. After dinner we ate a delicious italian ice cream. It’s a typical place in Granada to get ice cream. I had a chocolate ice cream and my mother lemon. At 12 o’clock we said goodbye to my friend and went to our hotel. We packed our stuff that night to be ready for tomorrow and went to bed.

Fifth day – Saturday 28th of July

So, this was my last day in Granada with my mother. I’m always sad when travelling trips come to end. I’m already thinking of a new trip to the beach Santander and to go to a surf camp yeahhh ❤🏄. We got up and packed our things. We left the hotel at 12 o’clock in the morning which is always the check out time in hotels. We went to another bar which was close to our hotel. We ate a delicious breakfast. We were happy that we could leave our luggage in the hotel so that we could have time to go shopping without it. It’s much more comfortable. So, we went shopping till 2.30 in the afternoon, just less than two hours after breakfast. I wanted to go to the shop Alle-Hop and Sugar. I love those shops so much. They have a lot of awesome stuff and also stationery stuff which I love.

37982927_1130260437128144_3600189656504729600_n

38041865_1130262170461304_7238165559106338816_n

I’m going to share what I bought in my next blog post. I think you all will like the things I bought. We also went to a bar called Aliatar which was a bit difficult to find because everyone said another direction hahah. We bought bread with tortilla and jamon serrano (Spanish ham) for our trip back by bus to Valladolid. After shopping we went back to the hotel and they called a taxi for us because it’s much easier with all the luggage to go to the bus station of Granada. We had one hour at the station to relax and go to the bathroom. I hate to travel when I’ve my period and also the warm weather isn’t a great combination. That makes me even feel more dizzy and bad. My friend came 10 minutes before our bus was going to leave at 4 o’clock. We said goodbye and left Granada.

I’m really going to miss Andalucia. It’s such a beautiful region of Spain which has almost every day sunshine. I encourage anyone to go to Andalucia and visist Granada. There are more cities like Cordoba and Sevilla which I also want to visit in the future. All these cities have Arabic influences which is just so beautiful. I saw the movie Joy with Jennifer Lawrence in the bus and really enjoyed this movie. She’s one of my favourite actresses ever. We ate in the bus and relaxed. We were at 8.30 in the bus station of Madrid and bought again some empanadas with pisto and meat and some drinks. The bus left at 9.30 and at 00.00 we were in the bus station of Valladolid. We got a taxi to go home because at that time there aren’t busses anymore. Walking isn’t that much but we were really tired. It’s sad always how fast a holiday can go. Time always pass so fast when you are having fun 😂

Sometimes a city can make you feel so happy. Granada makes me so happy. I feel like I belong there. Like I have my roots there. This city was just made for a hippie and beach girl like me ❤ This was my third time in Granada and damn every time I go I fell even more in love with this beautiful and magical city 😍😍😍. Thank you Antonio and your family for everything. We had a great time together. I also loved the hotel Cedran. I encourage anyone who is planning to visit Granada to stay in this hotel. It was just €30 each night which is really cheap. The hotel is in the city centre which is just perfect. The room is nice, has airco and the staff is really friendly and gave some tips of what to visit and free maps of the city. My heart belongs to Andalucia forevah, viva Andalucia olé ✌🌊😍 See you next Summer! ♡♡♡

I hope this blog post wasn’t borring or way too long haha 😂. My Granada shopping haul will be in another blog post. I also made some polaroids and maybe I’m going to share them in another post. I hope you liked this post. Do you have ever been to Granada in Spain? Do you also like cities with Arabic influences? What do you think of my pictures? I would love to know your opinion in the comment section.

Much love 💕,

xoxo Christina

Lifestyle ❤ | Mental health 💪| Self love 💞 | Feminism 👭| Wanderlust 🌍