Hey lovelies 💕,

Today is my birthday 🎉🎂❤️. I don’t know whether I have to be happy about it. My best friend will come and some family members. Since this year began I’m having an incredible hard time. I know some people may have it worse and all but my pain is valid.

I’m basically in totally absence from social media and also from my blog. That’s not common for me. I’m struggling so much to be alive and it’s so damn hard to write this blog post. I don’t even know how to keep up with blogging anymore. I don’t even know where to begin. It’s so incredibly hard to write all that I’ve and still am feeling and experiencing. Since October last year I experiences terrible anxiety and from then it went all downwards until now…

I’ve had periods in my life that I was depressed and thought I want to die. Fortunately, these periods went away. However, right now I feel and am so scared that it’s going to last for like forever and I don’t want that. I’m suicidal for like months 😢. It’s so hard to write these words down because then it feels even more real. I’m going through a hell. Sometimes I have urges to do something badly to me which I don’t want. It’s just that I feel so much pain inside of me that I can’t cope anymore.

My mother is the best person in this world but can’t deal with this situation anymore. It’s too much at times 💔. It’s not like I really want to die. I’ve always been afraid of life and death so it seems really confusing and strange also that at the same time I say that I want to die. All I want is the suffering to stop. I don’t want these thoughts, emotions. I don’t want all those sleepless nights. I don’t want to not being able to be happy anymore. I don’t want back pain, shoulder pain, neck pain. I don’t want these headaches. I don’t want to cry so much. I don’t want panic attacks. I don’t want to feel all of this so intensely 😢. I don’t want an upset stomach.

I stopped doing what I loved the most which is writing because I feel a burden for everyone and just feel like it would be too negative. I just want to be happy and write about positive things again but at the moment I can’t. I don’t know whether to keep writing or not.

The worst of having anxiety and depression together is that I’ve lost my happiness for the things I love to do the most in life. I just want to feel alive again. Now only when I sleep I’m happy because I’m away for a time. Everything is a struggle but I’m glad I have professional help. Sometimes I’m really afraid to be inpatient. I just don’t know what to do at times anymore. Everything feel so uncertain and I feel like nothing is right in my life. Everyone keeps going. In fact it isn’t true because nobody knows what they are doing but are good in faking it. I’m real always and honest.

Since two months I’m going to day therapy twice a week. It’s all in groups. It’s been really good for me. It creates a schedule and routine for me. We paint, draw, do theater, have deep talks and are supportive for each other. It feels good to know that I’m not the only one struggling. We learn how to set boundaries and say no. We learn about our senses. I also help in the garden a lot. I made some nice friends too. Some have been inpatient, some have depression, anxiety or psychosis. We are all the same and it’s all okay. We matter. We are not our mental illness. The treatment team is so lovely. I feel really heard and welcome. I can cry whenever I want and it’s all okay. Last week I was at the gp crying too. She was also super nice. I love my doctor. She said that I will get through this even though it costs time. She also said that my story touched her. I thought I was just a number. Sometimes she calls me and asks me how I’m doing.

I still need to do a blood test but I hate needles and blood. It’s my biggest fear. I just want to make sure everything else is alright health wise. The only person who is a bit strange is my psychiatrist. He says to me that I have a house, parents and always can get money from the government if I don’t work. He also said you can do whatever you want with your life. You have the right to make an end or go on with life. Maybe he said that to make me think but it was just so strange. He talked about the universe too. I also talked about sex with him lol 😂 pretty normal. I just need him to subscribe me medication. I had Citalopram 30mg for 6 weeks but it didn’t work so I quit. Then I felt hot flashes and strange flashes. A few days ago I began Zoloft. I started with 50mg and will maybe go up to 100mg. I really pray it will help to ease my anxiety and especially the suicidal thoughts which come from depression. I have always struggled more with anxiety in the past but now depression too which is so hard. I don’t know which is harder. To have both is even worse.

Screw society expectations and everything. To be alive today on my 28th birthday is a milestone because I didn’t know I would. I’m still here and that’s all that matters. I hope this year will bring me health and happiness. I need it 🍀🙏. You matter always. I always think of all the things you have to have achieved on a certain age but screw that. I’m working on myself. My healing. My health. That’s the hardest work you can do. You will hopefully benefit your whole life from it.

Thank you always for being there for me. I never forget any of you. Now you know what’s going on with me. I will maybe update again. I will see. At least I will eat a delicious cake and some pizza today. The sun is also shining so that’s nice 🌞🍕😋. I just wish to be better one day…

Love you all 💞,

xoxo Christina