I wish I was normal

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

This blog post will be just a rambling of thoughts about how I wish to be normal while living with an anxiety disorder. I will share my thoughts and feelings about this. I just need to vent because it always makes my mind feel less heavy. Only on this blog and on my instagram page Sea of words blog I can be myself. I feel I can be 100% real, honest and vulnerable on here. This is my safe space. So thank you all so much for holding space for me to be myself without any filters. This is me with all my messy thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes I wish I was normal. I wish I wasn’t a person who lives with an anxiety disorder. I wish I wasn’t crazy. Maybe, I’m not a crazy person but my anxiety tells me that I’m crazy for constantly worrying about everything in life. Constantly feeling like something bad will happen. Those thoughts makes me overthink and prefer to stay at home then to face people and feel uncomfortable. That’s how I feel most of the time. I wish I was normal to do the every day things in life without feeling constantly anxious or feeling uncapable of doing it. I wish I could live a normal life like normal people do. That’s my wish.

I wish I wasn’t that girl who is so afraid of the dentist, searching for a job and knowing what I want in life. I wish I wasn’t afraid of the unknown, of changes and of people. I wish I wasn’t afraid of looking people in the eyes. I wish I wasn’t that girl who’s afraid of her own shadow. Life is hard but for people with a mental illness it’s even harder. It’s just the truth. Everyone will struggle in their lives but having a mental illness makes everything 100000 times worse. It’s a constant battle with your mind every day. Fighting a war which is inside your head is so exhausting. Everything feels so difficult and heavy. The worst part is that there are still so many people who don’t take these illnesses serious. Even though a mental illness is invisible doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

I wish I could just live a normal life, not being afraid of taking a job, having my life together and maybe have a relationship again. It’s already been almost 6 years since my first love left me. I’ve been feeling so alone all these time. With time it gets better but I still feel pretty lonely. I wish I was normal. Normal people go to school, have jobs and have their life together not like me who is sleeping much or thinking their time away. Normal people have fun and don’t care about what other people think of them. I have all the time negative thoughts of myself like people will laugh about me and judge me. Normal people don’t have such a loud inner critic who tells them all the time how they aren’t worth it and how they aren’t enough.

Normal people aren’t crazy in their mind like me. Who wants to be with someone who’s anxious all the time? Who wants to be with someone who always think of the worst thing? Who wants to be with someone who’s always overthinking? Normal people don’t overthink 24/7 all the time. Normal people go on with their lives when something bad happens even though they can be sad. I’m a highly sensitive person and when something bad happens to me it takes me such a long time to heal from it and go on with life. I can’t just go on with life and pretend nothing has happened. I just can’t. If you take away my sensitivity I wouldn’t be me so that makes me who I’m. I’m still learning to live with it and embrace this. Even though I may suffer more in life I also experience life in a beautiful way. I feel everything so deeply and life is all about feeling your feelings, right?

Having an anxiety disorder doesn’t make me who I’m. I have an anxiety disorder but I’m not anxiety. It isn’t part of my personality even though sometimes I think it’s. It’s an illness. Maybe I’m not that crazy as I think I’m. Maybe, normal people don’t exist and we all are crazy but don’t say it out loud. We all have to go through struggles day by day. Life is beautiful but also so hard for everyone. The best way I can be is to be myself. It’s not that I want to have an anxiety disorder. I didn’t choose for it. I got sick like someone who gets the flu or someone who has cancer.

What’s being normal? If everyone acts in a correct way life would be pretty borring. The people who are standing out from the crowd are mostly the ones who are the most beautiful, amazing and honest people ever. We need authentic people who are brave enough to share their stories, struggles, thoughts and feelings. We are here to feel it all. I wish to also be able to learn to live with my anxiety and be able to cope better in life. I hope I will get better but recovery takes time. My medication as in antidepressants and anti anxiety medication helps me but maybe I have to also try therapy even though it makes me feel anxious too.

I will be my beautiful self even though it might means that I feel different than other people because hey that’s okay. Life is strange too. We are born out of the blue put into this blue planet 🌍 where the sun circles around us 🌞. That’s pure magic. We are the stars from the universe 🌠. We are made out of magic and magic doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be real. Being a mess is okay. I will be that star that shines in the dark times and be there for you all. Let’s be crazy together because life is way too short to be just like a normal person.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope you all liked this little rambling/story. Could you relate to it? Did you like it? Do you also wish to be like a normal person or do you prefer to be an awesome crazy person? Let me know in the comments. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love ❀,

xoxo Christina

How can we prevent bullying at schools?

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Thank you all for the endless support on my last blog posts and also on my instagram Sea of words blog. I’m so thankful to have this mental health and blogging community. I recently also joined the yoga community of Yoga Girl. She’s a big inspiration in my life. I’m blown away by the fact that there are so many supportive and good people out there in the world. You just have to find the right ones ❀. Today’s blog post will be about how I got bullied through high school and which ways I think are important in order to prevent bullying at schools. I already shared my bullying story in January in this blog post: How being bullied in high school caused me anxiety. I would like to add some new things in this blog post.

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Trigger warning for this post ❗

October is not only the month of Halloween, Autumn, falling leaves and sweater weather. October is also the month of something really important. October is national bullying prevention/awareness month so I thought it would be important to write about this subject again. I’ve been bullied for so many years during high school and also some years before high school. Bullying is a real trauma. So many kids, teenagers and also adults suffer from this. It can happen anywhere like at schools, on the workplace etc. and everywhere on the world. The things I wrote on this picture below were some of the things the bullies said to me. I don’t want to make someone feel pity for me. I just want to let people know the truth about bullying and how much those words hurt.

Words can kill you like a knife. Words make you believe you are worthless. Words make you believe you aren’t good enough and that it would be better if you didn’t exist. Words can kill people. The bullies said a lot of other things to me than only the words you can see on the picture. The bullies also did a lot of more stuff such as pushing me in the halls of the high school, coming with groups to my locker and intimidate and laugh about me. I still find it hard to let all those things go.

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Words are so easy said. Forgetting the ugly words they’ve said to you is a lot harder. I’m still learning in letting them all go. I remember that in high school I liked the band Tokio Hotel and wore these big hippie purple jeans which you can see on the picture. I got them from the ex girlfriend of my brother. I wore those jeans to school. They were all laughing at me and were calling me a gothic. I wasn’t gothic. I just liked to wear those clothes. I also wore a lot of clothes with skeletons just because I liked it. I wouldn’t wear that right now because right now my fashion style has changed. I think it’s just important to be yourself and wear what you like and not what others may like. You will never be beautiful or enough for others. You have to feel good in your own skin.

There was also another time during my teenage years that I wore clothes and stuff from The Power Puff Girls. This was and still is my favourite show ever. I love that show so much. It holds so many great childhood memories. I still have lots of products as books, parfum and everything from them at home. Again the bullies were laughing about me and called me that I was way too childish for wearing a dress from The Power Puff Girls. I remember that I was so happy to wear that and the moment I got laughed about it I felt bad and I didn’t wear it again anymore. I felt ashamed which is just so sad 😒. I let them win that time…

I also have always been insecure about my nose. The bullies at high school were always calling me big nose. In that time there was a Dutch website which we used to be in contact with each other. I always saw the words big nose and knew that they were writing about me. It was just open and public. It really hurted me so much to see all those negative words written about me. I’ve never done anybody harm. Why are they bullying me? Is it just because I’m the easy target and because I’m a highly sensitive person? I was thinking maybe I really do have a big nose. Maybe, there’s really something wrong about me. Why would they call me otherwise big nose all the time? Now I know that my nose is fine and my body is perfect the way it’s.

The bullies also said one day that they wanted to kill me and my family. I still can remember the horrible chats on Messenger. Every day I thought that that would be my last day at school and that it was happening today. They never hit me. They were just threathing me all the time but it definitely made me develop my anxiety disorder. Nowadays, I’m still afraid of groups of people because of these bad memories.

Those were just horrible years which I would rather forget. I’m feeling more confident than years before. However, I’m still learning to love myself and embrace myself for who I’m. I never ever want to go back to that time. In another blog post I will write about all the negative effects bullying had on me. I was already writing that blog post some time ago. Now, I would like to write about some ways in which I think we can prevent bullying.

Bullying prevention system at schools

I think it’s crucial to have a good bullying prevention system at schools. My school didn’t do enough when I was suffering from bullying. They talked with me and the bullies but afterwards they bullied me again and again. I think it’s important to handle these situations better. The teachers and the principal of the schools have to know that bullying is really serious. They have to watch for signs when they see it happening in their class rooms and take action. They need a strong policy about it.

Classes about bullying

I think it’s really important to have classes at schools where they talk about what’s bullying and how they can prevent that together with the teachers and kids. Everyone have to know the differences between teasing and really bullying someone. When they know the differences and also the consequences of bullying they hopefully will bully less. The consequences of bullying can be really dangerous as in people commiting suicide. I once read that there’s a high rate of kids commiting suicide because of bullying. We need to teach kids to be more kind to each other and to have respect to each other.

Stand up for someone who is getting bullied

I think this point is also so important. When we see someone is getting bullied, stand up and speak up for that person. I know I was afraid to stand up for myself but the moment my best friend helped me and stood up for me, was the moment I felt supported and stronger. It’s just so important to be there for that person. It can help to stop the bullies.

Get professional help when you need it

Kids, teenagers and anyone who’s being bullied have to know that there’s a a great support system and professional help available when they need it. Bullying have so many negative effects as developing many mental health illnesses as depression, anxiety and even lead to suicide. The earlier we analyse this, the better we can prevent the negative effects of bullying. Therapy, medication and whatever you need is availlable for you. I hope everyone can get the help they need because you deserve that πŸ™πŸ’•.

Campaigns about raising awareness of stop bullying now

Campaigns and organisations which raise awareness of bullying are so important. During the time I was at high school there wasn’t that much awareness of this. Nowadays, there is social media and there’s just much more information about it. I really hope that this will prevent bullying now and in the future more and more.

Encourage kids to speak to an adult when they are getting bullied

I know many of us feel ashamed to tell our story. There’s nothing to be ashamed about because being bullied isn’t our fault. Sometimes people bully because they are jealous of somebody or just because they feel bad themselves. It’s important that kids are speaking up about getting bullied to a trusted adult to prevent bullying getting worse. That trusted adult can be your teacher or your parent. It can help the child to ask for help and provide them support and comfort. We all want someone that will listen to our stories without feeling judged. We just want someone that will be there for us in this difficult time.

Of course, there will be many other ways to prevent bullying but I just thought about these 6 important points. I will never stop sharing my story about bullying. I think it’s just so important to raise awareness about bullying. I hope that these points will hopefully prevent bullying. I hope to be able to help others with speaking up about my story of being bullied.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you think these tips in preventing bullying at schools will help? Do you have some other ways in which we can prevent bullying? Do you also got bullied? I would love to hear your thoughts and stories. Rembemer, you are not alone. You are beautiful. You are enough. Let’s be kind to each other. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ

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Much love 🌹,

xoxo Christina

World Mental Health Day; Remember, you are not alone πŸ’•

Hola sweeties 😍,

Before I begin with this blog post I would like to share a short summary of the cremation of Lisa where I went last Wednesday. In case you didn’t read my last blog post here’s the link: Life is fragile. I know her from my choir. She got leucemia 8 years ago and got it back this year. She died at such a young age, only 29 years old. Me and my mother had to go one hour by bus to Lisse from Haarlem. We had to walk through a street surrounded by nature. Then we saw a woman in a car who asked us where the cremation was. She was also going and invited us for a ride which was really lovely of her. We were already near. When we arrived I saw some people from my choir and gave them a hug. It was really nice to see everyone again. They were so nice to me. The cerenomy almost looked like a catholic cremation because Lisa and her whole family are catholic.

We could see pictures and videos of Lisa. The choir sang some beautiful songs and also the brother of Lisa sang solo Ave Maria. It was so beautiful and even didn’t feel like a funeral. It was heartbreaking, emotional but also so beautiful. There were some beautiful speeches from her mother, her sister, her brother and her husband. Especially her sister and her hushband had a difficult time speaking. You could hear them crying which was so sad 😒. I didn’t cry that much. I cried already so much at home. It felt strange because I always cry so much. I could see everyone crying. At the end of the cerenomy we had to walk near to the coffin and first I was afraid but it wasn’t so scarry. I didn’t see her dead. The coffin was closed with flowers. I was sad seeing the family in the first row all crying. Then the rest of the cremation was only for the family, friends and some choir members.

Afterwards, I saw some teachers of my primary school and they hugged me and they were all in tears. Also one lovely man of the choir talked with me and I received a message afterwards that he wanted to talk longer with me. He said that I’m always welcome to go fridays after choir repetition to see my choir even if I don’t sing in my choir anymore. I will go once because he always understand me so well. I also told him once about my anxiety and everything. He support me so much. I will always be there for the family, friends and everyone who knows Lisa. I hope she’s in a better place now πŸ™β€. My heart is with all of the people suffering from cancer or any illness.

Now, I’m going to talk about something really important too. This blog post will be about mental health. Today, October the 10th is a really important day in the world. Today it’s world mental health day. This topic is really close to my heart because as you all know I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I have had anxiety my whole life. Some days, months, years are better than others. People always told me that everyone gets nervous for an exam or for big changes in life such as moving out or getting a new job. It’s true that everyone get nervous or anxious. We all have physical and mental health. This two are not separated from each other. They’re connected to each other. Body and mind are one. I also talked about the difference between anxiety and an anxiety disorder in this blog post.

Here are some pictures of beach time 🌊🌞 today in The Netherlands πŸ‡³πŸ‡± I especially bought and wear this shirt of Positive Pages to spread awareness about mental health.

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When you feel like you can’t go trough life and your mental health is affecting all aspects in your life you may have a mental illness. When I get really anxious I feel so sick as in being dizzy, nauseous, heart beating fast, crying, feeling like you are going to die, shaking, and even throw up in some cases. That aren’t just nerves. That’s an anxiety disorder. This is my life. My anxiety disorder effects every aspect of my life. Right now, I’m struggling with my dentist fear and with my fear of trying something new such as getting my first job. It makes me feel so uncomfortable that sometimes I feel like giving up πŸ˜”.

Having a mental illness is so exhausting. I’m not ashamed of sharing my story anymore especially online. In real life I still feel sometimes that I can’t open up 100% and that it’s better to not be real because people wouldn’t understand it. I learned that there will always be people who would understand me and some people won’t. It doesn’t matter. I hope with sharing my story on my blog and on Instagram to inspire other people to be open and talk about it. Spreading awareness about mental health illnesses is just so important. You can also suffer even if you don’t have a mental health illness.

Sometimes I also even felt that my anxiety disorder isn’t such a big deal as there are people who have depression, commited suicide, self harm, bipolar, borderline, ocd, eating disorders and many other mental health illnesses. I’ve learned that every illness counts. Just because someone has it worse than you doesn’t mean your struggles or illnesses don’t count. Every feeling and thought is valid because you are feeling it. You are the only one who suffers from a mental illness every day.

I think the best way to help a loved one who is going through a mental health illness is just to be there for them. Listen to them. Sometimes the best thing you can do is give them a hug and say that you’ll be there for them. Often people give the wrong advice and that doesn’t help at all. For me, knowing that my family, some good friends and my online mental health community on my blog and Instagram will be there for me in good and bad times already makes a difference in my life. I love that I can be real, vulnerable and honest here without feeling judged. I think that’s so important.

There are people who always want to give advice to people and don’t want to hurt that person with their advice but in some way it isn’t good for the person who is suffering. They would say to someone suffering from depression to go for a walk and try to be happy. They would say to me to try to think positive and don’t always think about the worst and to stop worrying. It just isn’t that simple right. I hope that every day we are breaking this taboo of mental health with speaking up about it πŸ’ͺ. Mental health illnesses are real and everyone who suffer from them need support and professional help. How many times did I think I was crazy in my head?! So many times. The thing is I’m not. My mind is sick, this is my story but I’m more things that just a woman with an anxiety disorder. I’m brave to share my story and inspire people. I’m honest. I’m a highly sensitive person. I’m flawed but I’m beautiful and enough. So are you πŸ’œ.

The cure for recovering from a mental health illness is different for anyone. Some try therapy, others try natural meds (in my case it didn’t work out), others take medication such as antidepressants and others try other things or a combination of therapy and medication. I tried some therapy sessions two years ago but it seem to make me even more anxious and I always threw up before I go. I still don’t know if therapy would be good for me. Maybe, I can try therapy in Spain when I hopefully found work there and live there. I’m already taking antidepressants since February 2017, almost two years. It works well but sometimes I can still feel high anxious. I also got subscriped in Spain anti anxiety medication. This really helps me to cope in situations when I feel really anxious such as going to the dentist.

The stigma of taking medication for our mental health illnesses needs to end too. Taking medication can save lives. If it’s okay to go through chemotherapy to cure cancer or to take parecatamol for our headache then it’s okay too to take medication to cure our depression or anxiety. We need this to make us feel a bit better. We don’t have the natural neurotransmitters. We need some help with it. Those aren’t magic pills but will just keep us cope with life.

The thing is there’s no magic cure for curing a mental health illness. It all takes time. Recovery is hard. I think I will have anxiety my whole life but I just find along my way things which help me cope a bit better with it within time. Therapy, medication or other ways… there’s no right way. You just need to do what feels good for you. I hope anyone reading this who is struggling right now with their mental health can get the help and support they need. Speak up and go to a professional. They can help you further. I also know how difficult it’s to speak up so if anyone sees someone struggling or acting different than you are used to, talk with them and ask them how they’re really doing. It’s so important to be able to speak about our feelings and thoughts without feeling judged.

You don’t have to talk about it with everyone. I always thought that if I said I’m doing well and it wasn’t true that I wasn’t 100% real or honest. I got some comments on my blog post a few months ago that it’s okay to not tell everyone everything. I’m always so used to be open. I’m an open book. It’s just important to be able to talk about heavy and uncomfortable stuff with people you trust. Be careful who you let in your life. I hope to not make again mistakes as in way of telling people personal things so that they can hurt me with it. Find friends who love and support you unconditionally. If you feel like you haven’t someone you can trust, remember I’ll always be there for you all πŸ™β€.

Here’s a list of things I do which makes me feel good. It really helps me with living with an anxiety disorder. Maybe, there are things on this list which will help you too.

  • Surfing πŸ„πŸŒŠπŸŒž: I really feel sad that I still didn’t surf since two years. I can’t wait to surf again. The feeling of standing on your surfboard and hearing the waves creates a sense of freedom. I’m forever a beach girl and the ocean is my home.
  • Reading πŸ“š: Lately, I’m into reading again. I used to read so many books in my childhood. It makes me so happy to read great novels and also self helps books which help me cope with living with anxiety.
  • Writing/blogging βœ’πŸ’­: I love to write in my journal or use a scrapbook for all my memories, thoughts and feelings. I also love to write poems. Blogging also always makes me feel better. I’m so happy to have this amazing blog and community where I can write and let everything go. Writing for me is such an important tool to just let all my thoughts go.
  • Singing/Listening to music 🎀🎢: I used to sing in a choir for 11 years. I really miss that time. Hopefully, I will sing in the future again in a choir or something. Singing also always release my emotions and make me feel so happy. I love to record covers and share them. Listening to music also always make me feel so peaceful. It feels great to listen to songs with a lyrics that you feel like it’s written for you. Music is life and will always be there for you in good and bad times.
  • Taking medication πŸ’Š: It can be antidepressants, anti anxiety medication or other medication. Just anything that makes you feel better. Medication saves lives and are important when you need them.
  • Being surrounded by my family and friends who support me πŸ’•: It feels great to talk about your struggles with people you can trust too and who will be there for you. Find your tribe/community. Try to share your inner feelings and thoughts.
  • Enjoying nature πŸŒ³πŸŒΉπŸŒ»πŸ‚πŸƒ: Going for a walk or just being outside in nature can do so many good things for your physical and mental health. Fresh air is all you need to just stay present.
  • Photography πŸ“·: I would like to pick up this hobby again because I love to take pictures. I once used a lomography camera and I’ve made some really mysterious and beautiful pictures. Maybe, one day I will share them on my blog.
  • Being creative 🎨: I love to create a mess of art. I love wreck this journal, paint something abstract or just decorate my room. It feels good to let everything out of your mind and create something with the mess in my mind.
  • Travelling 🌍✈: I love to discover new beautiful places on this big world. Whenever I travel I can distance myself from all the worries I have. Then I feel like my worries aren’t that big compared to the whole universe. Travelling gives me another perspective of life.
  • Swimming 🏊: Swimming is soooo good for your health in general. It makes me feel more peaceful and happier. It’s also good for my back pain and muscles. I need to swim again because it also makes me sleep better and is so good to have less anxiety in life. Swimming is just so relaxing.
  • Yoga πŸ™‡: I tried some yoga classes a few times in my life and I loved it. It made me feel more relax. Yoga create a sense of calm. Yoga is really good for your health too. I have to go to do some classes again.
  • Yoga girl postcasts πŸ™: Rachel Brathen is a famous Swedish international yoga teacher. I will soon share a blog post about her because she is just the best. She’s my biggest inspiration in life. I can’t wait to go on one of her yoga retreats in Aruba in her yoga studio Island Yoga. Her postcasts are out every Friday on Spotify or Itunes. She also has a Youtube Channel. I love her postcasts so much. They are full wisdom and inspiration. They are about parenthood, trauma, self-love, mental health, anxiety, yoga, body positivity, rape, family, grief, achieving your dreams, and so much more. You can also now join her Yoga Girl community on Facebook.
  • Eating and sleeping well 🍴😴: Eating the right food is so important to feel good in your body and good for your mind. Also sleeping enough and sleeping well is really important for your wellbeing. If I don’t sleep enough I feel even more anxious the next day and I can’t concentrate well.

There are so many other things too which you can do to feel good. You just have to find what’s best for you. You know yourself as the best. Remember, to always be kind to yourself. You are loved and not alone. You have so many gifts to offer to this world. Together we are going to end this mental health stigma πŸ’ͺπŸ’•πŸ’Š. Every day is world mental health day not just today.

Mental health is as important as physical health. There are still so many people from all different ages and nationalities suffering. They all need help and we need to end the stigma around this issue. We aren’t crazy in our minds. We are sick. We all need help, support and compassion. To raise awareness about world mental health day you can donate money to a mental health organization, you can draw a circle on your hand with the hastag #iamwhole or wear something yellow with the hastag #helloyellow and post it on social media.

I hope that you all liked this blog post. I hope it made you feel that you belong in this world. I’ll always be there for you all. Keep going my fighters and warriors πŸ’ͺ We are all in this together. Do you also have a mental illness? What do you do to feel better? Can you relate to my words? I would love to know your thoughts in the comment section.

Much love πŸ’•,

xoxo Christina

I’m fed up of people telling me how to live my life

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

Today is again a day to write about my feelings and thoughts. I will write about how I feel that I can’t live my life because of my parents controlling my life. I just cried so much. I’m back in The Netherlands since almost two weeks. When I’m alone with my mother everything is fine but now we are back in The Netherlands I knew my father would make me again push me to get a job. Here I’m again feeling like there are people controlling my life which increase my anxiety and makes me feel like I can’t follow my dreams because they don’t let me.

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My mother is also always talking about how I have to search for a job etc. I’m searching, I really am but everything about searching for a job just gives me so much anxiety. I think they don’t understand it at all. Only the people who are going through this know how much a struggle all of this is and especially having an anxiety disorder makes it all even more complicated and difficult. I’m counting the days down when I will go to Spain again with my mother on the 27th of December. Even though my father booked a flight back in January I don’t want to go back to Holland. I want to live and work in Spain. That’s my dream. It feels like he don’t let me. All my life I’ve done what others expect me to do and I’m so done of that. It still feels like I can’t speak up because I know how he will act and that he would get angry. I’m afraid of speaking up. I always stay quiet and accept everything when it isn’t good for me at all. Two years ago I spoke about this subject with a mental health worker where I went for some therapy sessions and she said that I get so much influence of my family. I need to stop it and it’s just so true.

I love my family but I have to live this life my own way. It’s my life. I’m 25 years old. Yesterday my father already said that he had seen a job for me in Amsterdam of Hema. That’s a nice Dutch brand. That job was for native Spanish and Dutch speakers and was about helping in the customer service section. You would gain at least €1000 each month. Okay, it sounds nice but I’ve to decide if I want to do that job not my father. I just want to search and apply for jobs on my own like I’ve done these months. I got so many calls from a company from Portugal which I never pick up because I’m afraid but maybe I have to pick it up. Maybe, I have to start a life somewhere else. Today my father saw another vacancy which was about working in the international office of the University of Amsterdam. They could pay you like €2000 each month. Yeah, it sounds nice and the working tasks were all the tasks I did on my internship in Valladolid, in Spain last year. Just an hour ago, my father said okay you can make a cv and tomorrow you are going to apply. Just like that. I said yes. I already have my cv but fuck off I don’t want to apply just because he force and push me to apply for this job. I’m now looking into websites which has Dutch companies in Spain. I want to search for a job on my own because I want to not just because my father wants me to do that job. He even said that he would come to my interview. Then maybe I would say a lie like that they didn’t hire me.

I just want that they can all leave my alone. It gives me this feeling of wanting to give up in life because I can’t live my life my way. I always have to do what people except me to do in order to please them all and to never get anyone angry at me. I feel like I can not always do something for myself in my life and that really frustrates me. I also did some things for myself but I feel again that isn’t enough. I went on exchange to Spain because I wanted to. I did my intership last year in Spain because I wanted to. I remember how my father wasn’t positive about applying for the essay contest to get a free trip to New York City and speak at the United Nations. He thought I wouldn’t win and it was in the middle of my studies. I had to focus on my studies and blablabla. Well, I applied two years and I won the second year. So, fuck yeah I’m so proud of myself that I applied and didn’t listen to other people voices πŸ’ͺ. When I won he was happy and proud of me but that’s a bit too late in my eyes. You have to support me from the beginning. My mother always support me and was positive and said that I had a chance to win. I just can’t deal with negative and toxic people.

This weekend I cried so much and I felt so bad 😒. I was also beginning to think like really negative thoughts as that I just want to die and that I’m a failure. I was throwing pillows and was so angry alone in my room. I wanted to hurt myself and escape the pain. I never did self harm and I also won’t do it. I was feeling that I’m not in control with my body and mind. This situation makes me so anxious. I was at a point that I almost got a panic attack as I was breathing fast, crying and my heart was beating also too fast. I’m fed up of feeling this way and living at home. I’m afraid of living on my own and need to work to have money to be able to effort that one day. I just want to do what feels good for me.

I love my family, I really do but making all these dicisions for me isn’t helping me at all. My mother also said it’s for your best. Well, maybe what you think is for my best isn’t for me the best. I’m my own person. I’m not the person you want me to be. Parents sometimes think they can make the perfect daughter or son. I’m so against that. Just let your child be the person they want to be, free of judgment and just be themselves. I’ve always felt supported in life but also in someway not because I’ve always felt afraid of my father character to be angry at me for doing the wrong things or saying the wrong things. I always keep quiet and say yes to everything. I only saw my best friend last Sunday and some of my family and friends from my brother on the wedding party last Saturday in Haarlem. I also saw some people of my choir on the cremation of Lisa last Wednesday. For the rest, I’m only with my parents and it isn’t helping me at all. I need to be with people of my age who understand me and know what I’m going through just like you all.

You know me even better than people who know me in my real life. You know my ugly parts which I don’t show in real life. You know when I struggle and when I feel happy. You know when I feel vulnerable and need to share my thoughts and feelings to feel lighter in my mind. You know how anxiety makes me feel. You know how hard life can be living with a mental illness. You know my flaws and accept me for who I’m. I appreciate that so much. It’s really so special to find such good and understanding people nowadays. Many people live for their own. They seem to not care about others. I’m so happy I found my mental health community and my blogging community who will always be there for me. It really helps me a lot and makes me feel less alone in my struggles. I just wish to meet you all one day 🌍✈.

Tomorrow my father will make me apply for that job even though I don’t know if I want to do that. The money and job description isn’t that bad but on paper I read you have to work there one year. Maybe, you can quit earlier I don’t know. I don’t want to work here in Holland. I want to go to Spain. I also don’t want to apply just because someone force me to apply. It increase my anxiety and I feel again not good. I just don’t know what to do… I feel hopeless that I’m always struggling with this job vs family issue. Maybe, I’m going to see one of my good friends this week which I can always tell about everything and makes me feel less alone with this issue. There are more people struggling with this. It feels good to share your struggles with good friends and also talk about solutions.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. I hope I didn’t sound like I wanted to complain and kept repeating myself. I just feel like this issue keeps repeating itselves and it doesn’t make me feel good. What would you do in my situation? Can you relate to not being able to live your life because other people want to control your life? I hope some of you may have some tips in dealing with this as it will help me a lot. Thank you all so much in advance πŸ™πŸ’•

Much love ❀,

xoxo Christina

Life is fragile

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I always am like I will write now this blog post and then suddenly my head is full of other ideas or something happens and I want to write about a different subject. I think it’s important to always blog about what you are feeling and thinking in that moment. This is a blog post which I just need to share because I feel this way in this moment. This blog post will be about that life is fragile, the loss of Lisa, a girl I know from my choir and how we often take for granted life and our health. I hope this post will not sound that sad but it’s just what I’m thinking and experiencing right now.

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I came back from Spain last Wednesday night. On Thursday when I woke up I was just checking my phone what I always do. I checked Facebook and read the bad news of Lisa. I read that she had died and I was like no way this can’t be true. Unfortunately, this sad news was true. I woke up cyring. Me and my parents couldn’t believe it. We were all shocked. Lisa got leucemia 8 years ago and almost died during that time. She also had to go to intensive care and went through many chemo therapies. The worst what happened after she was 8 years free of cancer was that this year she got leucemia back. The same form of cancer. This news was unbelievable hard. She has a blog too where she shared all her stories of her life with leucemia. I always read all those blog posts.

8 years ago I remember that I was always asking her sister when I saw her listening to the choir how Lisa was doing. It was the time my father also was in the hospital. This year she had to go again through chemotherapy. LastΒ week she was going through her second chemotherapy. In the future she would have gone through a stam cell therapy too. It was all too much for her body. On Wednesday she was doing really bad and had to go to the intensive care. She died beacuse of liver problems because of the leucemia. She was just 29 years old.Β She also sang in my choir. I don’t think I was in the choir the same time as she because she was older than me but I saw her during concerts and other times we had to sing with the choir. It’s really so unbelievable sad and heartbreaking that she passed away so young. She was just married one year ago in May in the cathedral where we always sang in Haarlem.

What I admire of her is how positive she always remained on her blog. Lisa also wrote a book about her sickness which is called β€œGebroken bloed”. You can buy it on Bol. Her blog is Lisa Hilders if anyone wants to read it but it’s in Dutch. Even though she went through so much she was such a fighter. In one of her last blogs she wrote about how our health is the most important thing in life. If we aren’t healthy we have nothing. I have a hard time dealing with anxiety in my life but I’m happy that I can walk, hear and see. So many people have illnesses and can’t do the things we can. Cancer is a horrible illness. Anxiety is a horrible illness but I can’t die from it. Even though sometimes I feel like dying when I have a panick attack or feel high anxious.

This just reminds me that life is a gift and that we can’t take it for granted. Life is fragile. Sometimes I get caught up in all the negativity and sadness of the world and make myself anxious for nothing. It isn’t worth to feel all of that. The loss of Lisa reminds me again how fragile life is. One second you live, and one second you are dying. We never know what tomorrow will brings us. We have to live for today even thought it’s sometimes difficult to stay present. I also find being grateful really important. In the blog of Lisa I could read how she felt grateful to be at her home during the chemo therapies and how she enjoyed that time to the fullest. We always take things in life for granted and began to think of the things when we don’t have it like our health. Writing this also makes me angry and sad because sometimes life can be so unfair. Why Lisa?! She was fighting to the end and I really was hoping that she would get out of this again. Cancer is just a horrible illness and still so many people die from it every day. I’m glad I donated money in the past for this organization to research more about cancer in that way to safe lives.

The female conductor of my choir wrote a message on the Facebook group of my choir where I’m still updated of news. She posted a post that Lisa passed away and if we wanted to sing two choir songs: Cantique de Jean Racine from Gabriel FaurΓ© and an Irish Blessing. This would be at the cremation of Lisa this Wednesday. I first thought of singing but then I thought that maybe I would be too emotional if I sing so I send the conductor a message. She said that of course I’m welcome and that it’s important for the choir members to focus on this special role. They want to do this for the family of Lisa. I know it will be beautiful. She also said that it’s good that I said that maybe it’s too much for me because there will be many emotions during this cremation. I never went to a cremation before and I’m a bit anxious. I always escaping life and also everything about death. I guess it’s now time to go for the first time and experience this. My mother is also going with me. She worked at my primary school and know my choir members. I’m looking forward to see many of my choir members again because it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them.

This sad news just reminded me that we all can get sick and that we have to live each day as it’s our last. Nothing last forever. We all are going to die. Some earlier than others. I find it important to say I love you to my family and good friends often because you never know when will be the last time you will see a loved one. I don’t want to sound depressing but this is just real life. I’m already sad because of the loss of Lisa and think I would have a very difficult time if a family member or good friend would die. I still need to accept that death is part of life. I have thanatophobia which is a fear of death. I will write a blog post about this subject soon.

It’s good that I’m going this Wednesday with my mother and not alone. If I really get anxious I can always take some anti anxiety medication with me to be sure I’m okay. I do this for Lisa. You are not suffering anymore. I hope you didn’t suffer when you were dying. I wish your family, your hushband, friends and people who know Lisa my deepest condolences. I’m here for you all. I will light up a candle and pray for you πŸ™β€. May she rest in peace. She will always be reminded as a beautiful women, a beautiful soul that left this world way too young. She will always be in our hearts.

My heart also goes for everybody who is fighting any form of cancer. You are all fighters and warriors. I wish you all a good revocery. I hope you will all beat this horrible illness. I’m here for you all. We’re all in this together. I think of you all. There’s a light in all this darkness. I hope that many organizations and doctors are going to research more and more and there will be better and more solutions for people suffering from cancer. Healthcare is improving and I’m sure that one day there will be even more and better treatments available. I wish that everyone can have a good treatment and get the help they need and deserve. Everyone deserve to be healthy.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Do you also think life is fragile? Do you also have a family member who has or had cancer? Do you also think we take our health for granted? I wish you lots of strength and love πŸ™πŸ’•. I’m always here for you if anyone of you need to talk.

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Much love ❀,

xoxo Christina