Hey lovelies 💞,

I have so many feelings and thoughts lately. Sometimes I had that urge to write on my blog but then I didn’t know how to write it all down. So, I don’t write. Right now I want to write it all down. Maybe it makes me feel a bit lighter. Writing always does. It is so therapeutic. I am writing for the first time in a journal again. I love to do some bullet journalling. It’s good for your mental health too. During therapy some months ago they also said to me that writing my thoughts down would be good for me. Sometimes I was writing some poetry about my dad passing away.

During a therapy session I said that I have had mixed feelings with the death of my daddy. I miss him but he was also a difficult person at times. Me and my mother suffered a lot these last years with him. He was also sick. He got through 6 operations. He suffered from pancreatitis and had diabetics. So, when he was angry it was intense. It caused us a lot of anxiety. I know he loved us deeply but there is generational trauma there. His parents were very strict. That made him the person he were. A lovely dad but also with a strong personality. I was always afraid when he was angry at me. Sadly, I still have that in my body. I am anxious when people are angry at me. I hate confrontations or discussions. I am afraid of making mistakes. It all comes down as a circle.

During that therapy session she said that it’s okay to feel all of these things together. I still feel that conflict in my body. It doesn’t go away so fast. Those are patterns which we need to break and it can takes years to break them down. We are so used to them so it’s hella difficult to change it. It’s what we were thaught to. I had some nightmares too about my daddy being angry at me. I told myself I was a bad daughter for dreaming that way about my daddy who passed away. I’m learning that I’m not a bad daughter. Those were just nightmares. I also miss him deeply. Whenever I see the stars shining in the dark night sky 💫 I think of my beloved daddy. He always said to look up a the sky and when you see a bright star it’s the planet Venus.

My daddy had a strong personality but he was always carrying on despite his sickness. That was one of his strengths. He was also always laughing about anything. If you can’t laugh about anything then it ain’t a good life. His pain from traumas in his life is what he carried through his children. Now, it’s our time to break down that pain and heal ourselves.

All of these feelings and thoughts also make me feel lost. I think I have always felt lost in life. I find it hard to accept that at times but it’s just the way I’m. Nobody knows what they are doing in life just so many people act like they know it all. To be honest, the older I get, the less I understand and know. The world keeps getting confuser and complexer. The one thing that is always there and won’t leave us is nature. Nature tells me it’s okay to feel lost. I am a hippie girl and free spirit by heart ✌️💖💫. I just don’t see myself settling with anything in life. Like I have too much chaos always in my mind and heart that I always am craving for deep connection, real love, adventure and creativity. I love to stay young in my heart.

Right now, I’m suffering from covid. I was vomiting, had fever, had stomach aches and now what’s left is that I’m super tired. So much fatigue. I already took some tests and now it’s negative. I have no idea for how long I will be this tired. I hope it doesn’t last for months. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Health is just the most important thing. Health and love. We all feel lost in life and it’s okay. We are just walking each other home. There is no right or wrong path in life, just going your own way despite of what other people may think of you. Do what makes you feel good. Always love yourself and just don’t care about other people’s opinions. It’s hard but worth it. Nobody has a perfect life. Never believe all the highlights you see on social media. It’s all fake.

Thank you all for reading this blog post. Have you had covid before? How do you feel about being lost in life? What are your thoughts on this? Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

Much love 💞,

xoxo Christina