Struggling so much with my mental health πŸ˜’

Hey lovelies πŸ’•,

I’m always honest and 100% vulnerable about my journey of mental health especially on my blog like I said in this blog post. In real life it’s much more difficult to be open about it because I still feel not everyone understands it. There is still a taboo surrounding mental health. People are getting more open but it will still take a lot of time for people to understand that we can get physically but also mentally ill and that there’s no shame to admit that we are struggling. It takes a lot of courage to be open so that’s what I’m going to do right now in this post. I will tell you how I’m feeling because letting these words out make me at least feel less alone. Even writing all of this takes me too much effort 😒.

So, to be honest I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel so hopeless. I’m not okay. I can’t see any point of living anymore in life. I feel like I’m getting depressed. I’m not in danger because I know I never would do something to harm me. I’m just exhausted to go through life while feeling anxious for everything I have to face all the time. I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. I know maybe asking for help would help. I just don’t know if therapy would really help me because I keep thinking of the time I had some form of therapy, 7 sessions and had to vomit every time and my anxiety even got worse…. I still have anti anxiety medication at home from when I got it subscribed by the doctor in Spain. My mother uses diazepam which she also sometimes can give me when I feel really bad. I know the medication benzodiazepines can be addictive but when you use it whenever you need it I guess it’s okay. I mean why are people always saying those bad and negative stuff about using medication for a mental illness when there are people taking medication for their physical health every day? There has to be no difference in this.

I know I’m doing bad because I don’t leave the house often. I can’t sleep good at night and my routine is a mess. I get anxious outside sometimes seeing so much people. Last week I went to a shopping mall and I got anxious in the bus twice. It felt like I couldn’t breath. I was happy to go outside the bus and walk home with my mother. I’m just always so afraid to get a panic attack because it’s the worst. I don’t want to go through that again. The thing is that the more I worry about that, the more it will likely to happen I think. I’m just so anxious about going to the dentist. I think that’s also now the underlying reason of all my anxiety. I keep postponing it when I have an appointment next month in Spain. I’m the most afraid to loose control and to experience a panic attack. I’m so done with experiencing the waves of anxiety. I’m still struggling with finding a job too as I don’t know how to face people and get only rejections. I just want to hide in my bed under a blanket forever. Unfortunately, I know that can’t happen but I still do it most of the time.

I really don’t know what to do to move forward in my life. I lost my hope and will to live. I’m not in crisis and I know I won’t do anything to harm myself. I just don’t know how to come out of this black hole I’m in. Anxiety keeps me from doing the things I love which means following my dreams. My whole existence cause me anxiety. Sometimes I experience anxiety for no reason. I could sit on a chair watching tv and feel that knot in my stomach and that sense of fear. It’s so hard to live your life that way. People sometimes ask me what gives me anxiety and the answer to that question is everything, this life. Sometimes I think anxiety is part of me but I have to know that I have it and that it’s not part of my personality but sometimes it feels that way.

Last night I experienced one of the worst moments of suffering from anxiety. I felt nauseous and was afraid to throw up. That always cause me even more anxiety because I keep thinking no don’t throw up. I had cold and hot flashes. I felt so bad, so bad. I deactivated FB again as social media only give me more anxiety right now and can’t deal with it. I wrote a message on FB of how I was doing and got some nice caring comments from people I care about but my heart was beating so fast then because I’m afraid to open up to people who know me. Here on this blog it’s different. At the end, I slept in my mother’s bed because there I feel more safe with her. I also took valium 4mg which she also takes. It helpt me feeling more calm and be able to sleep. I could finally sleep 11 hours. I just don’t know how to travel back to Holland in a few days in this state. I’m so afraid to get a panic attack or feel this way because it feels like I’m dying. Of course, I know it isn’t true but it’s just the worst thought. My mother already said how powerful our minds are. It’s so scary to be honest 😒. I wish to buy new funcional brains. If someone knows where to buy them, I will buy them in a quick second even if they have to come from Ebay China lol πŸ˜‚

I’m also a highly sensitive person who suffer from anxiety. It gets harder because I’m already so sensitive for everything. I suffer and cry more but I also love more. I can cry about everything. I get hurt easily when someone says a mean comment. I overthink a lot. I also empathize much more to other people, care about others and love deeper. I’m compassionate and creative. There are a lot of good things I also am but right now I focus too much on the negative things like I can’t do anything right in life.

Yesterday I listened to a podcast of Yoga Girl which was very inspiring and interesting. It was about how this world always value a person when we produce something. If you are working and producing to society you are worthy of love. It feels like we have to be worthy and to be seen when we are succeeding. There is so much wrong in that. I really do wish I could live a life I’m happy of and work in a job which I love but honestly right now I can’t because I’m sick. Capitalism is just so bad. We have to know that we are always worthy of love and that we aren’t alone. We are not what we produce. What matters is not what I do but who I’m. Those words of Yoga Girl sticked in my head and it relates well to this blog post. We are so much more than our jobs, the things we do in life. We are a person with feelings. We are human and we deserve all the love. We are not less than someone else just because we aren’t studying/working because we are physically, mentally or chronically ill. It’s not our fault.

I really wish to get better one day as it’s so exhausting to go through life while feeling anxious all the time. Recovery isn’t lineal and takes a lot of time. I just really don’t like to feel nauseous, dizzy, feeling like I can’t breath or feeling like I have no control over my body and mind. I also believe from what I said earlier that it’s okay to take a break from life. It’s okay to not study/work when you are ill. You deserve to take a rest. Nowadays it seems like being busy is the most important thing in life because of capitalism. It’s all about buying and doing when we just forget to live, to be still and present with our feelings and thoughts.

Always remember, we aren’t alone. We are all in this together. No matter how though life gets we will get through the other end. We will see the light after all the darkness. One step at a time.

Thank you all for reading this honest post about how I’m doing right now 😒. It took me a lot of courage to write this post. What would you advice me to do? What do you do in hard times? How are you feeling right now? I’m always here for you all. Let me know lovelies. I will speak to you all in my next blog post.

I love you all so much πŸ’ž,

xoxo Christina


19 thoughts on “Struggling so much with my mental health πŸ˜’

  1. Bless you β™₯️ You are strong…no matter what we face we are human, and yes we are all in this together…You sound like an awesome girl!!! Stay true to yourself✌🏼Take care..thanks for sharing…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much lovely ❀️ Your words are the words I need to hear. We can go through this all together always! πŸ’ͺ I will always be myself because changing myself won’t do me anything good.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your worth is definitely not determined by whether or not you have a job.

    I’m guessing it will help when the dentist is finally over and done with. That’s been hanging over you for quite a while now. It’s scary, but putting it off just prolongs the scariness. It’s probably a good idea to be very well medicated when you go for your appointment so that you’re too doped up to have a panic attack.

    Sending hugs and love. ❀️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much beautiful for your lovely words πŸ’–. You are so right. It feels like society throws all of these misconceptions about our worth which aren’t true. I agree that once I get all of that dentist shit over I will feel more relieved and at least feel less anxiety in life. You are so right. I keep postponing it all the time which eventually feeds my anxiety. Yes yes yes! I will take of course Valium or other anti anxiety meds before I go to do that. Thank you so much for being there for me. Love you ❀️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am going through so many of these exact feelings and emotions right now so I am 100% with you on feeling desperate and hopeless. I hope we can find the strength to keep fighting through. People with mental health battles are amongst the strongest on the planet. I believe that. You deal with something “invisible” which automatically makes it a more difficult thing to cope with. I hope you’re okay when you read this and that you are having clear moments.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words πŸ™. We are all in this together πŸ’ͺ You are so right. It takes so much courage going through life while having a mental illness. The ones who don’t suffer from it have no idea what a though battle it is. I’m feeling much better than last week which I’m glad about. We just have to through these moments even though they are awful. Sending you lots of love and strength too xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I really appreciate that, thank you! I’ve been having a slightly better few days although I’ve had wobbles yesterday and earlier today. I wish I knew the genesis of these but I don’t. Just glad to say I’m managing to stay as positive as possible and facing this up x

        Liked by 1 person

  4. hey! i have been myself a mental patient and getting therapy over a year now. therapy of course works and not you but its happening to me as well. i am highly upset, confused and disorganized. sometimes i am just low without any reason, if i can’t stop i cannot stop it. my self esteem i so down that i feel so bad to even continue my life anymore. i have feel there is no to understand. i am prescribed with ADHD meds which can simultaneously help me with studies and control behavior but its hard. right now i would suggest you to find your own happiness by doing whatever makes you happy cause this trick helps me. stay strong, you can do this. sending you warm hugs and love. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey lovely ❀️ Thank you so much for your comment. I’m glad therapy works for you. I can understand you so well. I hope you feel better soon because you deserve that. You are so right that doing the things which make us happy also make us feel more positive. I’m always here for you. You aren’t alone in this. Lots of love xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Ohh angel girl:( it breaks my heart that you’re feeling like this, if I could take it away from you I would. You are so, so worthy, so beautiful, so kind and so amazing and you’re loved by so many people. You’re so strong and you can get through this !! Everyday is a battle but we must fight it together and hope that each day is better than the last πŸ’œ you always know where I am if you need me. Love you so much .xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you SO much for your beautiful words my beautiful friend!!! 😍😍😍 I feel better than last week which is definitely a blessing as my mind was in such a bad state. Going out of that circle is important but sometimes so hard to do. I’m glad you are doing okay. I will catch up with your blog soon! You are so right. I’m so happy to be in a world where beautiful people exists like you βœ¨πŸ’• You are my guard angel πŸ§šβ€β™€οΈ. Thank you so much sweetie. We are together in this always πŸ’ͺ Btw, I will send you a Christmas card soon πŸŽ„. Love you so much more xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi there! Just a wee message to let you know that I have nominated you for a Sunshine Blogger Award on my latest post. Hope you’re having a good day today and having clear moments πŸ™‚ x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s great, any improvement is a positive thing and I’m glad you’re seeing a difference. Mental health issues are unpredictable and difficult to deal with a lot of the time so please be proud of yourself for making progress. πŸ™‚ x

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Gosh, I am the same about a few months ago! I had a lot of breakdowns and I keep crying almost everyday for reasons I can’t even pinpoint. I hope our mental health improves this coming year. Hugs!!!! ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel a bit better now but I hope I don’t fall back into that negative and hopeless state. It’s horrible 😒. I also hope our mental health will improve next year. We deserve so much good things πŸ’ž Lots of love xxxx

      Like

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